心理治疗师艾米·莫林：心理强大的人在最糟糕的日子里会做什么

这样我就有了两个月的短期伤残假。

And that bought me two months of short term disability.

然后我就得回去上班了。

And then I had to go back to work.

其实真的没得选。

It really wasn't a choice.

我没有什么后备计划。

I didn't have a fallback plan.

我还有房贷要还。

I had a mortgage to pay.

我和我丈夫早就买了房子。

My husband and I had already bought a house.

我家里也不是那种有钱人，能说，你知道，我们会帮你还房贷的。而且，我和他买房子的时候，显然是想着我们会有两份收入的。

I don't have wealthy family who could say, you know, we'll pay your mortgage while And you he and I had bought the house, obviously assuming we were gonna have two streams of income.

所以我不光得回去上班，而且如果我不想搬家，不想失去房子，我就得想办法，我还能做点什么。

So not only did I have to go back to work, but if I didn't wanna move and I didn't wanna lose my house, I was gonna have to figure out what else am I gonna do.

我之前遇到过一个女人，她未婚夫去世后不久就不得不搬家。

And I had encountered this other woman who had to move shortly after she lost her fiance.

想到在我人生最低谷的时候还要收拾房子，还得想自己住哪儿，这比我说“我打两份工”更让人难以承受。

And the thought of packing up my house in, the lowest moments of my life and then having to also figure out where am I gonna live seemed more unbearable than saying, I will work two jobs.

我会想办法解决的。

I will figure this out.

我想，这就是让我每天早上起床的动力——我告诉自己，我不想让生活变得更糟。

And that's, I guess, what got me up in the morning is I said I don't want my life to get worse.

我想让它变得更好。

I want it to get better.

作为治疗师，我见过那些经历艰难时期却没有真正处理痛苦的人会变成什么样。

As a therapist, I had seen what happens to people if they went through tough times and they didn't really work through the pain.

很多人相信了“时间能治愈一切”这个谎言。

So many people bought into that lie of time heals.

他们会在坏事发生十年后来找我，说：“艾米，为什么我还是感觉不到好一点？”

They would come in ten years after something bad happened and say, Amy, how come I don't feel any better?

距离我失去某个人已经十年了，或者距离那件创伤性的事情发生已经十年了，但我的生活并没有变得更好。

It's been ten years since I lost somebody or ten years since this traumatic thing happened and my life isn't better.

我不想成为那种说“是的，我现在36岁，失去丈夫十年了，我的生活依然不好”的人。

I didn't want to be that person who said, yeah, I'm now 36, ten years after I lost my husband and my life still isn't good.

所以每天都是一个选择，我要做什么？

And so it was a choice every day of what am I gonna do?

我想建立什么样的生活？

What kind of a life do I wanna build?

我如何让自己感到痛苦，并经历所有的伤痛？

How do I let myself feel awful and go through all of the pain?

但同时，我如何对生活可能变得更好抱有一些希望？

But also then how do I have some hope that life could get better?

我希望下一章是什么样的？

And what do I want the next chapter to look like?

好的。

Okay.

这里面有很多值得聊的。

There's a lot to unpack there.

当真正的悲伤和那种小写的抑郁是真实存在的时候，你是怎么找到希望的？

How do you find hope when the the genuine sadness and little d depression are real.

我说小写的意思是，不是临床诊断，而是面对创伤事件。

And I say little d meaning not a clinical diagnosis dealing with a traumatic event.

还有那种不得不打两份工的压力，这可不是什么好选择。

And the stress of having to like have two jobs which is not a good option.

这是两害相权取其轻。

It's the lesser of two evils.

这是没那么糟糕的选择。

It's the less bad option

而不是收拾房子搬家。

Rather than packing up a house.

你是怎么设想的？

How did you envision?

你是怎么想象希望的？

How did you imagine hope?

就是说，希望是从哪里来的？

Like where did the hope come from?

我觉得我有很坚定的信仰，我相信，好吧，是有上帝的，我遇到这些事是有原因的，也许有办法挺过去。

I think I had a strong faith and I believed, okay, there was a God and some reason this happened to me and perhaps there's a way to get through it.

而且我也想过，也许这是我的机会。

And I also thought, maybe this is my opportunity.

就是说，我要么迎难而上，尽力而为，要么就一直趴在浴室地板上哭，十年后还是那样，说，是啊，我一点都没好转。

Like, I either rise to the occasion and do my best or I can just stay crying on the bathroom floor in ten years from now be like, yeah, I'm not feeling any better.

就是觉得这是人生中的一个选择，我是要好好利用这手烂牌，还是怎样？

Just felt like that was a choice in life of do I wanna make the best of this terrible hand I was dealt?

不是说，哎呀，我很感激发生了这些事。

Not to say gee, I'm grateful that this happened.

我并不感激。

I'm not.

这么多年过去了，我依然不感激自己经历过那些。

All these years later, I'm not grateful that I went through that.

但另一方面，感觉也还行。

But on the other hand, it felt like okay.

就像，不管出于什么原因，这就是你拿到的牌，你能行的。

Like, for whatever reason, this is the lot you were given and you can do this.

如果你要努力迎难而上，把它变成一次翻身，试着活出点样子来。

If you're gonna try to rise to the occasion, turn this into a comeback, try to make something of your life.

现在不行动，就永远没机会了。

It's now or never.

而且我觉得，没有那种可以等一等、有家人兜底、或者休一年假的奢侈，真的逼着我说，去做吧。

And I think not having that luxury of saying I'm gonna wait a while or have family that's gonna bail me out or I'm gonna take a year off really made me say do it.

然后我就去做了。

And I did it.

我们说清楚一点。

And let's be clear.

你确实需要时间来什么都不做，好好悲伤一下。

You do need time to do nothing and to grieve.

对。

Yep.

你知道，我们不是说第一天就要有这种态度。

You know, we're not saying like on day one, this is the attitude.

没错。

Correct.

我是说，有一段时间

I mean, is a time period

对。

Yep.

在这段时间里你会悲伤，你会躺在床上，对。

Where you do grieve, you you do stay in bed Yep.

你拥抱悲伤，你不必保持正常状态。

You embrace sadness, you you don't have to be functional.

我猜每个人的情况都略有不同，但总有一个时刻，不是两三年、四五年之后，而是远早于那个时间点，你会做出一个决定：我得挺过去。

And I'm assuming it's slightly different for everyone, but at some point, not two, three, four, five years later, way before that, there's a choice that's made of I gotta move through this.

这确实是一个选择。

And it is a choice.

是的。

It is.

而且刚开始的时候，人们倾向于让自己忙起来。

And early on, there's that tendency to stay busy.

我们甚至还会夸这样的人。

We even like compliment people.

当有人经历艰难时刻，你问他们，比如，你最近怎么样？

When somebody's going through something tough and you say, like, how are you doing?

他们会说，我就是让自己忙起来。

They say, I'm just staying busy.

我会说，那挺好的。

I'm like, that's great.

那是逃避。

That's avoidant.

不过，那确实是逃避。

That's avoidant, though.

分散自己的注意力。

Distracting yourself.

对，没错。

And right.

而且，那有时候也是一种技巧。

And that and that's a skill to use sometimes.

如果我要去我的治疗办公室当治疗师，我有时候也需要分散自己的注意力。

If I were going into my therapy office to be a therapist, I needed to distract myself sometimes.

而且我真的很伤心。

And I'm really sad.

十分钟后就有治疗客户来了，我得分散自己的注意力。

I have therapy clients coming in in ten minutes distracting myself.

在那一刻，这确实是个很棒的方法。

It's a wonderful skill in that moment.

但如果我整个人生都这样，我可能就一直困在那个状态里了。

But if I did that in my entire life, I'd still be stuck in that place.

所以我觉得，关键是在能允许自己难过的时候，就让自己难过一下。

And so I think it was about allowing myself to be sad when I could.

下班回家，坐在沙发上吃个速冻晚餐，想哭就哭，这都没关系。

Come home from work and it's okay to just eat a TV dinner on the couch and let yourself cry.

然后，在另一些时候，我会对自己说，好吧。

And then having those other times where I'd say, okay.

周末要来了。

I'm coming into the weekend.

我什么安排都没有。

I have zero plans.

什么事都没有。

Nothing going on.

我可以整个周末都躺在床上，或者也许我只是周六早上晚点起床。

I could stay in bed all weekend, or maybe I'll just stay in bed until a little later on Saturday morning.

但之后我会起床，然后我会说，我今天还能做点什么呢？

But then I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna say, what else am I gonna do with my day?

去散散步？

Go for a walk?

给谁打个电话？

Call somebody?

出去做点事情？

Go do something?

我喜欢这个，因为它不是非黑即白的计划。

I love this because it's not an all or nothing plan.

你并不是说不能躺在床上，但也不是说你可以一直躺着。

You're not saying you can't stay in bed, but you're also not saying you you are allowed to stay in bed.

你说的是，你知道吗？

What you're saying is you know what?

我会跟你折中一下。

I'll meet you halfway.

我会在床上多待一会儿，但到了十一点就起来，精神抖擞。

I'm gonna stay in bed a little longer, but then at eleven up and atom.

这里面有一种宽容的成分，对吧？

And there's an element of grace in there, right?

也就是说，你没有完全屈服于自己什么都不想做的欲望。

Which is you're not giving in to your desires to do nothing.

你是在跟这种欲望妥协。

You're compromising with your desires to do nothing.

因为这里需要一种平衡，是的，我会先感受这种情绪，对。

Because there's a balance to be had between, yes, I'm gonna sit with this feeling Yeah.

待一会儿，但之后我也有能力改变自己的感受。

For a while, but then also I have the ability to change how I feel.

如果我在糟糕的日子里整天躺在床上

If I stayed in bed all day on a bad day

不是说到了下午两点，我就觉得，哦，我状态很好。

It's not like at 2PM, I'm like, oh, I feel great.

但如果我在上午十一点逼自己起床去散个步，只是换个环境、做点不一样的事，就能改变我的心情。

But if I push myself at 11AM to get up and go for a walk, just changing my environment and doing something different can shift my mood.

悲伤就是这样。

And grief is all about that.

找到那个平衡点，就是问自己：我现在有空间、有时间、有能力让自己难过吗？

Finding that balance of, okay, do I have the space and the time and the ability to let myself be sad right now?

我在工作的时候做不到。

When I was at work, I couldn't do that.

在接待咨询客户的间隙，我不可能在十分钟里哭一场。

In between therapy clients, I'm not gonna cry in the ten minutes that I had.

我必须保持正常状态。

I had to be functional.

但到了晚上和周末，我就可以说，对，我就想做点事情。

But in the evenings, the weekends, I could say, yeah, I'm just gonna do something Is

这可行吗？

that doable?

人真的能安排时间来感受情绪吗？

Can human beings schedule time for feelings?

因为有时候情绪确实会突然袭来。

Because it does sneak up on you sometimes.

确实如此。

It certainly does.

我在超市的第七排过道，看到林肯最喜欢的食物之一，就会想，哎，真难过。

I'll be in Aisle 7 in the grocery store and I'll see one of Lincoln's favorite foods and I'll think, oh, how sad.

我可能会在超市里哭出来。

I could be crying in the grocery store.

这不是我事先安排好的或什么的。

It's not something that I've scheduled or anything like that.

但另一方面，当那种情绪涌上来时，如果我正要走进会议室见一个治疗客户，我会对自己说，现在这样可不行。

But on the other hand, when that emotion comes over me, if I'm about to walk into a meeting with a therapy client, I can say, this isn't helpful right now.

我晚点再让自己感受那种情绪。

I'll let myself feel that later.

现在我要做什么？

What am I gonna do right now?

也许我会做点让自己开心的事。

And it might be I'm gonna do something that makes me happy.

我会赶紧给某个人打个电话，让他跟我说点振奋人心的话。

I'm gonna call somebody real quick who is gonna tell me something uplifting.

我会打开手机，看几分钟开心的照片，试着提振心情，这样我就能在当下正常运作。

I'm gonna open up my phone and look at happy pictures for a few minutes to try to boost my mood so that I can function right now in the moment.

所以我想说清楚我为什么想跟你聊。

So I wanna be clear why I wanna talk to you.

我喜欢极端的例子，因为在极端的例子里，教训更明显，更容易看出来。

I love extreme examples because in extreme examples, the lessons are just more they're just easier to see.

它们更清晰。

They're clearer.

我觉得你经历的那些事，以及你如何疗愈自己、保护自己的心理健康，真的是一个非常极端的例子。

And I consider what you've gone through and how you've healed and protected your mental fitness a pretty extreme example.

遇到其中一件事就已经够糟糕的了，而在很短的时间内接连遭受打击，确实很不公平。

Getting one of those things is pretty awful and just getting battered over the course of a very short period of time is is unfair.

至少我觉得，当时的感觉大概就是这样。

At least I think that's probably how it felt.

我认为这些事情之所以重要，是因为如果这些方法对你有效，那么它们也能帮助那些正在为苛刻的上司而烦恼的人，或者那些觉得自己没有吸引力、没人愿意约会的人，又或者是那些觉得自己不够格升职的人。

The reason I I think these things are so important because if these techniques work for you, then they can work for somebody who's struggling with a difficult boss or thinks that they're unattractive and nobody wants to date them or they're just not good enough for a promotion.

你知道，就是我们日常生活中遇到的那些更常见的焦虑，人们可能会把它们误认为是心理健康问题，或者感觉像是心理健康问题。

You know, of the sort of more everyday anxieties that we're dealing with that people may confuse with mental health challenges or it feels like a mental health challenge.

我觉得最让我印象深刻、也最吸引我的，是一件非常难做到的事情，而这正是我接下来要讲的。

I think the thing that I'm really most struck by and drawn to is this very difficult thing to do and that's what I'm talking about next.

这件很难做到的事情，就是去投入努力。

This very difficult thing to do to lean into the effort.

就是当你懒得不想去健身房的时候，也要逼自己一把。

To lean into like when you're lazy and don't want to go to the gym.

当你不想见人，感觉特别不想社交的时候，你怎么改变心态去逼自己，有时候就是这样，逼自己去做那件你特别特别特别不想做的事。

When you don't want to see people and you're feeling pretty antisocial like how do you change your mindset to force yourself and that's kind of what it is sometimes to force yourself to go do the thing that you really really really don't want to do.

我觉得这也关系到我们生活中做的其他事情，比如进行那些你真的很不想进行的艰难对话。

And I think this speaks to other things that we do in our lives having the difficult conversation that you really don't want to have.

要知道，去投入那些你真的很不想投入的注意力，因为回避、忽视、玩消失、假装或者放弃都更容易，这也是为什么我觉得这是一种常见的策略，因为短期内它确实管用。

Know leaning into attention that you really don't wanna lean into because avoidance and ignoring and ghosting and pretending or quitting is just easier which is why I think it's a common strategy because in the short term it works just fine.

这绝对管用，你知道，约会六个月后突然不联系前任。

It absolutely works you know, ghosting the ex after dating for six months.

接下来一个月、两周，这策略简直完美。

For the next month, two weeks, absolutely perfect strategy.

对。

Yep.

然后呢。

Dot dot dot.

所以请深入谈谈这两件事，也就是我们如何理解那些策略的短期好处。

So please wax philosophical about both those things which is what are we understand the short term benefits of some of those strategies.

长期来看会有什么问题？

What are the long term liabilities?

为什么我们不推荐这些做法？

Why don't we recommend those things?

比如逃避、放弃、不沟通、直接消失。

The leaning out, the giving up, the not having the conversation, the ghosting.

如果这些方法短期有效，为什么我们不提倡？

Why do we not advocate those things if they work in the short term?

因为这些问题不会自己消失。

Because those things don't go away.

很多时候我们忘了区分解决问题和解决我们对问题的感受。

So a lot of times we forget to differentiate between solving the problem or versus solving how we feel about the problem.

比如桌上有一堆账单，坐下来拆信封、付账可能会让我焦虑。

So if I have a stack of bills on the table, maybe it makes me anxious to sit down and and open the envelopes and pay the bills.

但如果我不处理，账单明天肯定还在那儿。

But if I don't address them, then obviously, the bills are still gonna be there tomorrow.

我可能会想，是啊，但我现在就是觉得焦虑。

My tendency might be, yeah, but I feel anxious right now.

所以我要先处理我的感受，解决我的情绪问题。

So I'm gonna address how I feel, and I'm gonna solve my feeling.

那我就先把这件事推到一边。

So then I'll just push that away.

我去看看Netflix，假装它不存在。

I'm gonna go watch some Netflix and pretend it doesn't exist.

我觉得当我们用错误的角度去处理生活中的问题时，我们常常没有问自己：我是需要解决我的感受，还是解决这个问题本身？

And I think when we tackle issues in our life from the wrong angle, we don't ask ourselves often enough, do I need to solve how I feel or solve the problem itself?

当我们用错方法时，一切都会变得一团糟。

And when we take the wrong approach, everything gets messed up.

有时候我们也会反过来做。

And sometimes we do it the other way around.

比如有人说，我丈夫喝得太多了。

So somebody will say, my husband drinks too much.

那在这种情况下，你可能会想说，好吧。

Well, in that case, you might wanna say, okay.

这让我有点焦虑，但我到底想解决什么问题呢？

That causes me some anxiety, but what was it I try to solve?

嗯，我告诉他别喝。

Well, I tell him not to.

我把酒倒掉。

I pour the alcohol out.

我们试图解决问题，但这不是我们该解决的问题，而是我要学会如何处理我对这件事的焦虑，或者我要尝试从我能控制的事情入手，也就是我自己的行为，而不是去关注我无法控制的事情，也就是别人的行为，因为如果我能控制你，我就不用控制自己的情绪了。

We're trying to solve the problem, and it's not our problem to solve as opposed to I'm gonna learn how to manage my anxiety about this or I'm gonna try to approach this from something I can control which is my own behavior instead I'm gonna focus on what I can't control which is how somebody else behaves because if I can control you then I don't have to control my feelings.

好的。

Okay.

我得，我得把这段标出来，再双击一下。

I have to re I have to highlight this and double click this.

这段说得太好了。

This is so good.

这太好了，就是当我们对能控制的事情有情绪的时候。

This is so good, which is when we have feelings for things we can control.

我觉得你举的比尔的例子非常好。

I think your Bill's example is a great example.

我们是在解决情绪，而不是解决问题，我觉得分手也是一样的，我们也是在解决情绪。

We work to solve the feeling and not solve the problem which is and I think breakups are the same and stuff like we solve the feeling.

我想出去检查一下，但我们没有解决关于结束、叙事和执着的问题，你每次和朋友出去都在谈这件事，说到他们都不想听了。所以我特别喜欢这个观点：如果能解决问题，就解决问题，而不是解决情绪；如果解决不了问题，那问题真的不在你的控制范围内，那就管理好自己的情绪，因为你解决不了那个问题。

I want out check but we don't solve the problem of closure and narrative and clinging on to things and all you do is talk about every time you go out with your friends to the point they don't want hear it anymore So I love this If you can solve the problem solve the problem not the feelings and if you can't solve the problem literally it's out of your control manage your feelings because you can't solve the problem.

这太重要了，这种混淆让我恍然大悟，当人们谈论他们的心理健康挑战时，我脑子里就像灯泡一个个亮起来。

This is this is huge and that confusion it's like light bulbs are popping up for me when people talk about their mental health challenges.

我们已经聊过你是怎么找到希望的。

So we've talked about how you found hope.

我们聊过把情绪误当成解决方案，以及我们必须解决一个、管理另一个。

We talked about confusing our feelings for solutions and how we have to solve one and manage the other.

叙事。

Narrative.

我们给自己讲的那些故事。

The stories we tell ourselves.

这可能是最重要的一点之一。每次我打开社交媒体，听到的都是人们在给建议，鼓励你给自己讲那些其实对你没帮助的故事，而且还在不断强化我们一开始说的那个问题——我们得到了这么多心理健康建议，为什么心理健康状况却没有好转？

This is probably one of the biggest ones of all and when I turn on social media what I hear is people giving advice reinforcing that you can tell yourself these stories that actually aren't helping you and perpetuating to your point what we made right at the beginning which is with all this mental health advice we're getting why isn't mental health getting better?

心态至关重要。

Mindset is essential.

还有对某件事的信念，无论是相信上帝、相信未来会更好，还是相信朋友和家人。

And faith in something, belief in something whether it's God or a positive future or my friends or my family.

你能告诉我，当你陷入绝望、心碎的时候，你给自己讲的是什么故事吗？

Can you tell me the story you told yourself when you were in despair and you were shattered?

那个故事是什么？后来时机成熟的时候，你是怎么把它换成新故事，开始走向治愈而不是沉浸在悲伤中的？

What was the story and And then how did you change to the new story when the time was right to start leaning into healing rather than mourning?

哦，问得好。

Oh, good question.

我觉得有好几年，我的故事大概是这样的：你是不是太惨了，二十多岁就失去了两个最爱的人，以后的生活可能再也不会好了。

I think for several years, the story was kind of like, isn't this a tragedy that you, in your twenties, lost your two favorite people and life will probably never be good again?

有一段时间我真的相信了，心想，唉，怎么才能让生活重新好起来呢？

And there was a time where I believed that and I thought, oof, how do you make life good again?

感觉就像是在机械地过日子。

And it felt like I was going through the motions.

后来某个时刻，我想，或者这可以变成一个精彩的东山再起的故事，关于我要创造的新生活。

And at some point, I thought, or this could be an amazing comeback story of the new life that I'm gonna create.

但要做到这一点，我得从床上爬起来，去行动。

But in order to do that, like, I better get out of bed and go do those things.

我得想清楚，我希望这一章是什么样子的。

I better figure out what would I want the chapter to look like.

它不会自己送上门来。

And it's not just going to land on my table.

我必须真正去创造一个新生活。

I'm gonna have to actually create a new life.

于是我开始行动起来。

And so I started to do things.

我考了摩托车驾照，还买了辆摩托车，当时我就想，哇，这感觉不一样了。

I got a motorcycle license and a motorcycle and I thought, oh, this is different.

而且林肯和我一直在做寄养父母。

And Lincoln and I have been foster parents.

所以问题就是，如果我现在一个人，我还想不想继续当寄养妈妈？

So it was a question of do I still wanna be a foster mom if I'm by myself?

就是，哪些事情我想继续留在生活里，哪些事情我想放弃？

Like, which things do I wanna continue in my life and what things do I wanna give up?

最后我决定，总有一天我会成为单身的寄养家长。

And ultimately decided I'll be a single foster parent at some point.

我也真的做到了。

And I did that.

我希望我的故事，我人生的下一章，是关于一个经历过艰难却依然创造出美好生活的人，而且能够走出去，去做那些我原本可能永远不会做的了不起的事情。

And I wanted my story, the next chapter of my story to be of somebody who had been through tough things yet created this beautiful life and was able to go out and and do incredible things that I probably wouldn't have done otherwise.

虽然这不是我选择的生活，但它就像是我在经历那些之后，自己创造出来的新生活。

And while it wasn't the life I chose, it was like a new life that I created despite what I'd been through.

为什么？

Why?

我不是说轻浮的话。

I mean, I don't mean to be flippant about that.

但，你为什么想让那成为你的故事？

But, like, why did you want that to be your story?

因为我觉得另一种选择让我觉得自己才26岁。

Because I think the alternative felt like I'm 26.

难道我要一直闲坐到86岁，然后想，唉，这日子也太长了。

Am I gonna just sit around till I'm 86 and think, oof, that's a long life to live.

我只是觉得我有两个选择。

And I just felt like I had two choices.

要么我创造出完全不同于我原本期望的生活，要么我就一直纠结于“我没得到我想要的生活，真可悲”。

I can either create something completely different from what I had, what I had hoped for, or I could just keep clinging to isn't it sad I didn't get the life I wanted?

我喜欢这个想法，我要创造最棒的复出故事，这不同于我要破坏我的工作、我前任的生活来让自己好受些。

I love this idea of I'm gonna make the best comeback story ever, which is different from I'm going to sabotage my work, my ex boyfriend, my ex girlfriend's life so I can feel better.

这里有一种责任感，就是说，这将成为我的复出故事，讲述我如何选择自己的生活，而不是通过毁掉他们的生活来让自己好受。

There's an accountability, which is it's gonna be my comeback story about how I choose to live my life as opposed to ruining their lives so I can feel better.

那可不是复出故事。

That's not the comeback story.

问题在于，这种“我要让这成为最伟大的复出”的心态，可能会走向稍微不同的方向。

The problem is the mindset of I'm gonna make this the greatest comeback ever could could go in slightly different directions.

你说得完全对。

You're absolutely right.

而且我觉得，复出故事有时候并不是关于你被某件事拒绝了。

And and I think the comeback story sometimes isn't about you get rejected for something.

好吧，也许你永远成不了著名演员。

Well, maybe maybe you're never going to be a famous actor.

也许你永远做不了你想做的事，但你的复出故事仍然可以是：我做了另一件事，用不同的方式为自己创造了一个美好的生活。

Whenever you're gonna do the thing that you wanted, but your comeback story could still be, I did this other thing and still created a wonderful life for myself in a different way.

我喜欢这个说法，就是说，如果你在写自己的电影，比如你一直不开心，那这部电影就很无聊。

I love this, which is, if you're writing your own movie, like, if you're just unhappy the whole time, It's a boring movie.

先不说过去的评判。

Like old judgment aside.

那电影就太无聊了。

That's a boring movie.

但我们想看的电影，是那种经历过磨难的人，自己扛起来，激励我们观众，让我们找到走出困境的方法。

But what we want to watch a movie about is somebody who's gone through it and Takes it upon themselves and inspires us the viewers and makes us sort of find a way through the difficulty.

再说，你那个例子比较极端，丢了工作，失去感情，或者事情就是不如意。

And again, yours is an extreme example, you lose a job, you lose a relationship, something just doesn't go the way you want it to.

项目没达到你预期的数字。

The project doesn't hit the numbers that you were hoping for.

我是说，我们可以为很多事情自责，但我要把这个变成最伟大的复出故事，那我想问你一个不太舒服的问题，先道个歉。

I mean, there's a million things that we can beat ourselves up about but I'm gonna make this the greatest comeback story which goes then I want to ask you a it's an uncomfortable question and I apologize for that.

不过，你肯定不想再经历那些你经历过的悲剧。

However, you do not want to relive any of the things that you have lived those tragedies.

很明显。

Clearly.

你希望那些事从未发生过，而且你绝对不想让它们再发生，也不希望别人经历同样的事。

You wish they'd never happened and you definitely do not want any of them to happen again nor do you wish them upon anyone else.

对。

Yep.

但是，因为那些经历，你身上有什么改变，是内心深处即使嘴上不愿承认，却其实庆幸它们发生的？

However what about you has changed because of those things that deep down inside even though the words are uncomfortable, you're glad they happened?

哦，这个问题问得也好。

Oh, good question too.

我小时候特别害羞，社交焦虑很严重，小时候甚至可能被诊断成选择性缄默症。

So I grew up incredibly shy and I mean socially anxious for sure, but probably as a kid could have been diagnosed with selective mutism.

我很多年都不怎么说话，而且真的没什么说话的欲望。

I didn't talk for years and I really had no desire.

大学、研究生阶段，我几乎也不怎么开口。

College, grad school even, I really didn't talk much at all.

我身边围着的都是爱说话的人。

And I surrounded myself with people who love to talk.

这样一来，我很容易就成了房间里那个安静的人。

And that made it really easy to be the quiet person in the room.

我觉得我可能会一直这样下去。

I think I would have

策略。

Strategy.

而且我觉得我会一直保持那样。

And I think I would have stayed that way.

我有朋友到现在还会替我说话。

I had friends who talked for me to this day.

如果我们去餐厅，他们还会帮我点东西，比如我的童年朋友、我姐姐。

If we go to a restaurant, they will still ask, like, for something for me, my childhood friends, my sister.

而且这样一直很管用。

And that worked really well.

公开演讲本来会是我最害怕的事情。

And public speaking would have been my number one fear.

我在我丈夫的葬礼上致了悼词。

I gave the eulogy at my husband's funeral.

那一刻，我心里想，我不在乎会不会出丑，会不会说错话。

And in that moment, I was like, I don't care if I embarrass myself, if I stumble over my words.

我不在乎自己听起来怎么样。

I don't care how I sound.

这跟我没关系。

It's not about me.

重要的是关于他的几个故事，我想让大家听到。

It's about a couple of stories about him that I wanted people to hear.

现在我可以告诉你，公开演讲已经不再是我最大的恐惧了。

And let me tell you now, I'm like, public speaking, not the biggest fear in the world anymore.

我可以做到，而不那么在意自己的外表和声音。

And I can do it without being so concerned about how I look, how I sound.

我的很多不安全感都已经消失了。

So many of my insecurities are no longer there.

我觉得，我已经经历了能想象到的最痛苦的事情，失去了两个我最爱的人。

I think, well, I've been through the most painful things I would have ever imagined, losing two of my favorite people.

来吧。

Go ahead.

尽管说我。

Insult me.

反正也不会让我难受。

Like, it's not going to sting.

我已经经历过最糟糕的情况了。

I've been through the worst of the worst.

对，负面评价现在对我来说已经不算什么了。

Yeah, negative review just doesn't do it anymore.

是的，来吧，我现在没事了。

Yeah, go ahead and I'm do okay now.

但几年前，那些小事会让我纠结很久，我会反复想，反复琢磨，即使我是一名治疗师。

But years ago, those little things would have been something I dwelled on and I would have thought about and I would have rehashed and ruminated on even as a therapist.

以前这会让我很烦，但现在我可以说不。

It would have really bothered me, but I can say no.

我现在真的不太在意那些小事了。

I don't really sweat those small things anymore.

我再问一次这个问题，我永远不希望那些事再发生，但我很高兴它们发生了，因为？

Again, I'll ask the question sort of, I never want those things to happen again, but I'm glad they happened because?

因为我现在是一个更勇敢、更自信的人，能够说，我不会让生活被动，而是要为自己创造最好的生活，而且我愿意冒更多风险。

Because I am now a much more brave and confident person who was able to say, I'm not going to let life be passive, but I'm gonna create the very best life that I can for myself and I take more risks.

我是那种会说‘如果没成，也没关系’的人。

I'm the kind of person who says if it doesn't work out, that's okay.

我不需要所有答案，因为我会在过程中找到办法。

Like, I don't need to have all the answers because I'll figure it out along the way.

我以前不是这样的。

And I wasn't like that before.

我觉得拥抱困难是最大的礼物之一，因为生活总是平衡的。

This is one of the things I think leaning into hardship is I think the greatest gift, which is life is balanced always.

大自然厌恶真空，总是尽可能寻求平衡。

Nature abhors a vacuum and seeks equilibrium whenever possible.

所以，所有好事都伴随着某种代价。

And so all good things have some sort of cost associated with them.

比如说，恭喜你，你超级有钱，但你和孩子关系疏远。

You know, congratulations, you're fabulously wealthy and you have no relationship with your children.

不管代价是什么。

Like whatever the cost is.

对有些人来说，这些代价是值得的。

And for some people those costs are worth it.

这轮不到我来评判。

It's not for me to judge.

但我们得到的东西，总是有代价的。

But there is a cost for the things we get.

但我们失去的东西，也有它的好处。

But there's also benefits to the things we lose.

我的做法是，我总是把得失算清楚。所以当好事发生在我身上，我会觉得自己最棒、最厉害。

My practice is to always I always play the equation So when something great happens to me and I'm like I'm the best I'm amazing.

看看我多厉害，我总是提醒自己。

Look how awesome I am I always remind myself.

好。

Okay.

这背后的代价是什么？

What was the cost for this?

这让我保持谦逊，也提醒我不要把这当成理所当然。

It keeps me humble, but also just reminds me don't take it for granted.

如果你想再次拥有这些，你就得付出相应的代价。

And if you want this again, then you're gonna have to pay that.

你知道，这里没有理所当然的。

You know, there's no entitlement here.

所以我总是提醒自己这一点，当坏事发生时，即使当下很糟糕，我也不能马上玩这个游戏。

So I always remind myself that and when bad things happen even though it sucks in the moment and I can't play this game right after it happens.

现在太早了。

It's too soon.

我得先允许自己生气、沮丧、难过，或者对这件事有任何情绪，等过一段时间再问自己：我在这里有什么值得感恩的？

I have to allow for anger or frustration or sadness or whatever the feeling I have towards the thing is and at some reasonable period of time say, okay, what am I grateful for here?

对我来说，我的心理状态很好，因为我一直保持着这个平衡。

To me, my mental fitness is good because I keep that equation balanced at all times.

我们来聊聊受害者这个话题吧。

Let's talk about victim.

我希望你能从你接触的客户出发，同时也作为一个观察世界和社交媒体的人，来谈谈你的哲学思考。

I'd love you to wax philosophical based on the clients you see, but also just you're a consumer of of the world and social media.

我看到的更多。

I see it more.

也许我只是对这个更敏感，因为心理健康是个热门话题，而且大家都把心理问题和有情绪混为一谈。

And maybe I'm just more sensitive to it because mental health is such a a topic and and everybody they confuse mental health problems with having feelings.

但是这种把自己当成受害者、扮演受害者的想法。

But this idea of being the victim, playing the victim.

我最近跟一位社工聊过，她说了一些让我很意外的话。

I spoke to a a social worker recently, and they said something that really surprised me.

我把这个写下来了。

I wrote about this.

她说的话真的让我很惊讶。

They they said something that really surprised me.

她说，扮演受害者其实很有力量，而且感觉很好。

They said playing the victim is very powerful and feels great.

我们要区分一下扮演受害者和真正成为受害者。

Let's not confuse playing the victim and being a victim.

成为受害者是指你被别人针对，他们对你做了什么事，比如虐待、犯罪之类的，或者你遭遇了飓风之类的灾害。

Being a victim is when you are targeted by someone, they do something to you, abuse, a crime, something like that, or you are the victim of some hurricane.

你就是受害者。

You are a victim.

那才是真正的受害者。

Then there's that's being a victim.

那你就是在扮演受害者。

Then you are playing the victim.

都是这个世界在对我做什么。

The world is doing this to me.

那个人在对我做什么，比如，我老板就是针对我，这种情况确实存在，但我不会说大多数时候都是有人在针对别人。

That person is doing this to me when, you know, my boss is out to get me, which it does exist, but I wouldn't say it's the majority of the time that somebody's targeting somebody.

我是不是反应过度了，还是说现在很多人面临的心理健康挑战和这种扮演受害者的趋势有关？这么说会不会有点不礼貌？

Wax philosophical if I'm overreacting or there seems to be a correlation with the mental health challenges that so many people are facing today with the is it insensitive to call it a trend of playing the victim?

你说得完全对。

You're absolutely right.

我们在社交媒体上比以往任何时候都更常看到这种情况，比如关系结束的时候。

We see it more on social media than ever in terms of relationship ends.

都是因为我前任是个自恋狂。

It's because my ex was a narcissist.

真奇怪，怎么那么多前任都是自恋狂。

It's amazing how many exes are narcissists

突然之间。

by Suddenly.

我知道自恋是一种可以诊断的病症。

Like I know narcissism is a diagnosable thing.

那我们知道自恋者在人口中占多大比例吗？

And what percentage of the population are narcissists do we know?

可能很小。

It's probably pretty small.

确实很小。

It is tiny.

你知道，也许百分之五？

You know, five percent maybe?

可以被诊断为自恋者的。

That are diagnosable narcissists.

但天哪，自恋现象简直爆炸式增长。

But my goodness, there's an explosion of narcissism.

没错。

Exactly.

因为把责任推到别人身上，感觉会好受一些。

Because it feels better to say it's somebody else's fault.

我是受害者，被人利用了。

I was a victim of somebody who took advantage.

而一旦我们陷入这种受害者心态，就容易自怜，觉得自己没有能力、工具和资源去应对某些事情。

And whenever we get into this victimhood, it correlates with self pity and just thinking, I don't have the skills, tools, and resources to get through something.

我们低估了自己。

We underestimate ourselves.

高估了挑战的难度。

We overestimate a challenge.

也高估了事情的困难程度。

We overestimate how difficult things were.

我们告诉自己，我别无选择。

We tell ourselves that story of, well, I didn't have a choice.

那时候我没法让事情变好，现在我也还是没得选。

I couldn't make things better then, and I still don't have a choice now.

我们越是陷在这个循环里，就越会找借口说，所以我不用改变。

And the more that we get stuck in that cycle, the more we find excuses to say, and so I don't have to change.

比如我给朋友打电话，整天跟他们抱怨我的老板。

So whether it's I call a friend and I just complain about my boss all day long to my friends.

然后他们就说，哇，你不该被这样对待。

So they're like, wow, you shouldn't be treated like this.

做你肯定很惨。

This must be awful to be you.

对，没错。

Like, yeah, that's right.

做我确实挺惨的。

It does feel awful to be me.

感觉棒极了。

Feels awesome.

那一刻会让人觉得自己有理有据，可以心安理得地困在原地。

It's empowering for a moment to think, and I'm justified to stay stuck.

然后我们就会这么说。

And that's what we say then.

人们就这样一直困在原地。

People just stay stuck.

我在我的治疗办公室里经常看到这种情况。

And I'll see it in my therapy office.

人们走进来，说，你知道吗，这太糟糕了。

People come in and they say, you know, this is awful.

这是我的情况。

Here's my situation.

他们其实并不想解决生活中的任何问题。

And they don't really wanna solve any of the problems in their life.

他们想下周再来，再跟我说一遍，看看这有多糟糕。

They wanna come back next week and tell me again and see how awful it is.

当然，谈论自己的感受、被人倾听，确实有价值，能让人说一句：是的。

And there's definitely value in talking about your feelings being heard to say, yes.

这确实很糟糕。

That is awful.

你身处这样的处境，确实不公平。

It's unfair that you're in this situation.

但有些人就是宁愿一直困在那里。

But some people just wanna stay stuck there.

为什么人们宁愿困在原地？

Why do people wanna stay stuck?

我们不是在寻求帮助。

We're not seeking help.

我们是在寻求对自己叙事的认可。

We're seeking validation for our narrative.

如果我的叙事得到了认可，那我就一定是对的。

And if my narrative is validated, then I must be right.

所以我待在这里，因为这让我感觉好一点。

So I'm gonna stay here because it helps me feel better kinda.

而且这让人不舒服。

And it's uncomfortable.

我不反对人们短期内把自己当成受害者。

I don't have a problem with people being the victim in the short term.

因为这就像哀悼一样。

Because it's like mourning.

就像愤怒一样。

It's like anger.

这是一种感受。

It's a feeling.

这是一种宣泄。

It's a venting.

我不反对人们宣泄情绪。

I don't have problem with people venting.

你想打电话给别人说，我讨厌我的老板。

You want to call somebody like I hate my boss.

我讨厌工作。

I hate work.

健康的发泄是好事。

Healthy venting is a good thing.

我们说的不是那种情况。

We're not talking about that.

我们说的是，好了。

We're talking about okay.

明白了。

Got it.

当关系破裂时，把责任推给对方确实会让你感觉好受些，你也应该这么做。

The relation it does feel better when the relationship collapses to blame the other person for it and you should do that.

但总有一个时刻，你会觉得，好了，现在我需要承担一些责任了。

But there's a point at which again okay now I need to like take some accountability.

真的是这样吗？

Is that really what it is?

扮演受害者更容易，因为这样我就不用真正面对自己，承认自己其实没那么优秀。

Playing the victim easier because then I don't actually have to look at myself and be like you know what I'm not such a great catch.

你知道吗，我在感情里也不是个好的伴侣。

You know what I wasn't such a great partner in my relationship.

也许是我火上浇油了。

Maybe I poured gas on this fire.

你明白吗？

You know?

这就是我们不喜欢它的原因吗？

Is that the reason we don't like it?

对方有错。

The other person was at fault.

所以我是受害者，而不是去想，我是怎么走到这一步的？

So therefore, I'm the victim versus, oh, how did I get there?

比如说你曾经在一段很糟糕的感情里。

And let's say you were in a really bad relationship.

那，是什么一步步让你选择留下来的？

Well, like, what were the steps along the way that made you stay?

或者一路上其实有一些警示信号。

Or there had been some red flags along the way.

我身上有什么让我决定再忍一天？

What was it about me that decided that I'll tolerate it one more day?

让我在这段关系里待得更久。

I'll stay in this situation for longer.

最后我生气了，心里满是怨恨。

And then I get mad at the end and I'm resentful.

所以我觉得关键是要承认自己的责任。

So I think it's really about acknowledging what's my personal responsibility.

如果我想改变，就必须走出舒适区。

And if I want to do something different, I'm going to have to be uncomfortable.

除非我们主动去改变，否则你每次都会选择熟悉的痛苦，而不是未知。

You will usually choose familiar pain over the unknown every single time unless we get proactive about it.

就像，我知道这是什么，我已经习惯了，所以我会继续忍受，而不是说，好吧，我要试试别的。

Like, I know what this is and I'm used to it, so therefore I'll keep tolerating it versus, okay, I'm gonna try something else.

那也会很痛苦。

It's gonna be painful as well.

我不知道那种痛苦是什么感觉，也不知道会有多痛，但我愿意去尝试。

And I don't know what that pain's gonna feel like or how painful it's gonna be, but I'm willing to try.

我认识一个人，她特别容易被非常有钱的男人吸引。

I know somebody who is very attracted to very wealthy men.

其中有些人是非常好的人，和他们交往也很愉快。

And some of them are wonderful human beings and they're great connections.

每次她开始约会，对方一开始总是完美的人选，我们都有过这种经历，刚认识一个人的时候觉得特别好，但最后没成，然后她就怪对方，我看到了这个模式。

And every time she starts dating, they're always the perfect person which we all have that when we first meet somebody which is great and it doesn't work out and then she blames them and I see this pattern.

我认识她很久了，这个模式一次又一次地重复，没完没了。

I've known her for a long time and it's the same pattern over and over and over and over again.

说到留在一段关系里，我也经历过。

And when you talk about staying in a relationship, and I've been there.

我不是说这个，这里没有评判，因为我也做过同样的事。

Mean, this is not again, there's no judgment here because I've I've done the same thing.

我曾经处在一段关系里，而且我知道所有的危险信号。

I've been in something and I knew all the red flags.

简直就像每天都有旗语在眼前晃。

It's like it was freaking semaphore every day of my life.

有人站在我面前挥舞着红旗。

Somebody standing in front of me waving red flags.

我就想，对。

I'm just like, yeah.

但等等。

But hold on.

看看他们多迷人。

Just look how hot they are.

看看他们的生活方式，我很喜欢参与其中。

Look at their lifestyle that I love being a part of.

看看他们的财富。

Look at their wealth.

等一下。

Hold on a second.

还有很多其他我表面上更喜欢的东西。

There's so many other things that I superficially prefer.

我们就别让他们知道了吧。

Let's just not let them you know.

但谈论他们如何有毒、如何这样那样，要容易得多。

But it's so much easier to talk about how they were toxic and they were this and they were that.

但内心深处，我知道我不该和他们约会，但我还是留下来了，因为说实话，我当时就是个肤浅的混蛋。

But deep down inside, I knew I shouldn't have been dating them and I stayed in it because let's be honest, I was a superficial ass.

而且我想要那些东西，直到我能承认我吸引我的是那些，而不是那个人本身。

And I wanted all that stuff and until I can take accountability for the fact that that's what I was attracted to and I wasn't really attracted to the person.

你知道我会一直重复这个模式。

You know I'm gonna keep repeating this pattern.

但我们真的会这样做吗？

Do we do that though?

我的意思是，坐在扶手椅上谈论这些对我们来说都很容易，但我们要怎么打破自己的模式呢？

I mean it's it's all finding good for you and me to sit in an armchair and talk about all these but like how do we break our patterns?

比如，我们能采取哪些实际步骤来学会承担责任？

Like what practical steps can we take to learn how to be accountable?

学会不再扮演受害者，即使那感觉很好。

To learn how to stop playing the victim when it feels so good.

所以，首先要认识到这些模式。

So it starts with first recognizing the patterns.

有些人会说，你知道吗？

Some of people are like, you know what?

我的生活不太顺利，而且很难真正搞清楚原因。

My life isn't going very well and struggling to really figure that out.

或者我经历过一些糟糕的感情。

Or I've had some bad relationships.

我会坐下来，把它写下来。

I'd sit down and I'd write it down.

我们来看看是什么情况？

What are we looking at?

也许你经历过五段突然结束的感情。

Maybe you've had five relationships that ended abruptly.

对方五次都突然消失，不再联系你。

The other person ghosted you five times.

好，那我们来仔细看看。

Well, let's take a look.

会不会还有其他原因在起作用？

Maybe might there be something else that's going on?

你是不是总是被某种类型的人吸引？

Are you attracted to a certain kind of person?

把脑子里的事情写下来，能帮我们换个角度看问题。

Anything we can get out of our heads and put on a piece of paper helps us see things differently.

这样我们就能看得更清楚。

We see it more clearly.

所以，如果你能拿出日记本写点东西，我说的是手写，手写对大脑的影响和打字不一样，能让我们慢下来，真正去审视。

So if you can get out a journal and do some writing, and I'm talking about writing by hand that affects our brain differently than when we're typing, causes us to slow things down and really look at it.

然后就是去识别，比如，我生活中有没有一些固定的模式？

And so just identify, like, are some patterns in my life?

然后你还可以回头想想，这是从什么时候开始的？

And then you might go back too and think, well, when did this start?

我觉得我们不一定非得去剖析童年，把每件事都过一遍，但你可能会发现，我以前什么时候有过这种感觉？

I don't think we have to necessarily dissect our childhoods and go through everything moment by moment, but you might find, when did I feel that before?

所以，也许我是被别人的生活方式吸引。

So maybe I'm attracted to people's lifestyles.

我遇到那些生活方式特别精彩的人，然后就忽略了所有的危险信号。

So I find these people with really exciting lifestyles, and then I overlook all the red flags.

所以你可能会想，小时候是不是有什么让我那时候就喜欢刺激的东西？

So you might think, well, when I was a kid, was there something that maybe I was attracted to excitement back then?

我的生活里是不是有什么？

Was there a something in my life?

也许我妈妈以前约会过的男人，他们的生活也很精彩。

Maybe I had a mom who used to date men who also had exciting lives too.

有时候把这些点连起来，就能对自己说，好吧。

And sometimes just connecting those dots is helpful to say, okay.

这也许是一个情感上的创伤，

This is maybe a an emotional wound that

我不是在责怪母亲。

I'm It's not blaming the mother.

只是认识到它有一个源头。

It's simply recognizing it has an origin.

就是这样。

That's it.

这只是一个起源故事。

It's just an origin story.

没错。

Exactly.

一个关于归咎的故事。

Blame story.

然后去弄清楚，我童年是否有情感创伤？

And then to figure out, is there an emotional wound from my childhood?

不断回顾。

Just keep revisiting.

我是不是在试图治愈一些尚未愈合的东西？

Am I trying to heal something that I haven't healed yet?

我试图通过一遍又一遍地重温来治愈它。

And I try to heal it by reliving it over and over.

比如，如果下一段感情能成功，那我就好了，或者我就想明白了。

Like, if this next relationship can work out, then I'll be good or I will have figured it out.

当人们能把这些点连起来，而且我们能自己做到这一点，不一定非得去接受治疗，只是让你眼界大开。

And when people can connect some of those dots and we can do this on our own, you don't necessarily have to be in therapy, just opens your eyes.

所以当你遇到下一个人时，你可能会想，哦，我是不是又在重蹈覆辙？

So then when you meet the next person, you might think, oh, am I doing it again?

或者这是不是我真正被吸引的人？

Or is it or is this somebody I'm really attracted to?

然后要小心那些标签。

And then to be cautious of those labels.

如果我们只是给自己贴上标签，比如，哦，我总是吸引混蛋，或者我就是那个总是吸引人的混蛋。

If we just label ourselves something, like, oh, I'm always attracted to assholes or I'm the asshole who's always attracting people.

就像，是标签让它变成了现实。

Like, it's the label that then makes it true.

如果我给自己贴上某种标签，我很可能会活成那个标签的样子。

If I label myself as something, I'm gonna live up to that label, chances are.

所以如果我说我是那种偶尔会做某些事的人，而不是说我有……

So if I say I'm the the kind of person who sometimes does x, y, or z rather than I have.

或者我有，是的。

Or I have a yeah.

然后只要认识到，好吧。

Then to just recognize, alright.

这是我的倾向，但这不是我本人。

This is my tendency, but it's not who I am.

那么下次我怎样才能改变这一点呢？

And so how might I change that next time?

如果我是那种在关系中忽视危险信号的人，那么下次我会怎么做不同的事情？

And if I'm somebody who ignores red flags in a relationship, well, what will I do differently next time?

只要更加警觉，开始思考这个问题。

Just be more aware and start thinking about that.

比如，我以前忽视过什么危险信号？

Like, what's a red flag I've ignored before?

如果我再次发现那个危险信号，我怎么知道自己在试图把它掩盖过去？

And if I spot that red flag again, how will I know that I'm trying to push it under the table?

或者我怎么才能意识到，我是在说服自己，告诉自己不需要去注意那些危险信号呢？

Or how will I know that I'm trying to convince myself that that I don't need to pay attention to those red flags?

有时候，如果身边有一个值得信赖的朋友，能提醒你说‘你又这样了，西蒙’，那会很有帮助。

And it is helpful sometimes when we have a trusted friend in our life who can say, you're doing it again, Simon.

这个人能对你说：‘你有没有想过这一点？’

The person who can say, have you thought about this?

这个人能问你那个问题，

The person that can ask you that question of

闭嘴。

Shut up.

你又不了解我。

You don't know me.

所以，确保那个人是你信任的，而且具备这种能力，这一点很重要。

And that's why it's important to make sure it is somebody that that you trust, somebody who has that.

因为当情绪不掺杂其中时，他们有时能看到我们看不到的东西。

Because when the emotion isn't attached to it, they can sometimes see things that we can't.

我们的情绪会蒙蔽我们的判断。

Our emotions cloud our judgments.

当我遇到一个人，他们让我很兴奋时，我很容易忽略他们的危险信号。

When I meet somebody and they're so exciting, I can easily overlook their red flags.

我想强调的一点是，不要用“我是”这样的表达。

The bit that I wanna underscore in there, which is to not use the being verb

也就是说，不要说“我是……”，而是说“我倾向于……”。

Which is I am dot dot dot, but rather I have a tendency to

或者说“我有一个习惯”或“我有一个模式”。

Or I have a habit or I have a pattern.

这不是你是谁的问题。

It's not who you are.

这是你做的事情。

It's something you do.

这两者是非常不同的。

Those are very different things.

所以我觉得这个建议非常棒，就是你可以自责，可以谈论你的依恋问题、童年创伤什么的。

And so I think that that's a phenomenal piece of advice, which is go ahead and beat yourself up and talk about your attachment problems and your childhood trauma blah blah blah.

没问题。

Fine.

但就是别用“我是”这种说法。

But just don't use a being verb.

我们还会在情绪上看到这一点。

And we'll see this even with emotion.

有人说，我是个焦虑的人。

Somebody will say, I am an anxious person.

不如试着有时候感到焦虑。

Let's just try to have anxiety sometimes.

或者说到感情，有人可能会说，我是个回避型的人。

Or when it comes to relationships, somebody might be like, well, I'm an avoidant.

也许我在某些关系中会回避别人，或者有时把人推开，但那不是你的本质。

Maybe I avoid people in some of my relationships or I push people away sometimes, but that's not who you are.

如果你愿意，你可以在下一段感情里做出改变。

You can choose to be different in the next relationship if you want.

而且“有时候”这个词特别好。

And the word sometimes is great.

比如说，我还没遇到那个人。

Like, I'll never meet somebody yet.

你知道的，就像我还没找到我想要的那个人。

Like, you know, like I haven't found the person I want yet, you know.

而且我觉得，“有时候”和“还没”放在句尾，这直接关系到叙事，因为它允许……这正好回到你之前说的。

And because I think what sometimes and yet do at the end of a sentence and this speaks directly to narrative which is it allows for and it goes right back to what you're saying before.

它允许希望的存在。

It allows for hope.

仅仅通过我们构建的句子，它就能为美好的未来留出空间。

It allows for bright future simply by the sentence we construct.

太聪明了。

So clever.