软糯小可爱

我痴迷于他们的粉底。

I'm obsessed with their foundation.

他们的使命是打破有害有毒成分和产品的壁垒，用精心挑选的纯净滋养成分替代，并将其配方成高性能产品，仅此而已。

And their mission is to break down barriers of harmful toxic ingredients and products and replace them with intentionally clean nourishing ingredients formulated into high performance products, period.

高性能。

High performance.

这就是我想让你听到的。

That is what I want you to hear.

因为每当我尝试其他纯净品牌时，效果总是很差。

Because anytime I've tried other clean brands, it's always shitty.

它无法达到我想要的遮盖效果。

It doesn't cover the way I want.

它在舞台上或照片中看起来都不好。

It doesn't look good on stage or in photos.

我痴迷于DOLL10。

I am obsessed with DOLL10.

我真的，真心地，非常支持他们，因为我觉得他们的产品太棒了。

I'm really, truly I'm such an advocate for them because I think their products are phenomenal.

所以，专门给绝对不听的听众们，DOLL10 Beauty 正在为您的订单提供 20% 的折扣。

So exclusively for absolutely not listeners, DOLL10 Beauty is offering 20% off your order.

请访问 www.doll10，也就是 doll10.com，并在结账时使用代码 absolutely。

Visit www.doll10, that's doll10.com, and use code absolutely at checkout.

那就是 www.doll，dollten,.com。

That's www.doll, dollten,.com.

但再说一遍，DOLL10 是指数字 10。

But, again, that's DOLL10 as in the number.

所以是 DOLL10，结账时使用代码 absolutely。

So DOLL10, and use code absolutely.

访问 dol10.com 了解更多信息。

Visit dol10.com for more information.

你会爱上它的。

You're gonna love it.

相信我。

Trust and believe.

亲爱的，秋天到了，这意味着我要做蘸酱了。

Honey, it's fall, which means I'm making dips.

我要做汤。

I'm making soups.

我要做砂锅菜。

I'm making casseroles.

我要做各种美味的东西。

I'm making all sorts of things that are yummy.

我喜欢东西好吃，但也喜欢它们口感顺滑。

And I like things to be yummy, but I also like them to be creamy.

宝贝，我用菲力奶油奶酪让所有东西变得更顺滑。

Baby, I'm making everything creamier with Philadelphia cream cheese.

你知道吗，奶油奶酪不只是用来涂面包圈了。

You know, cream cheese is not just for your bagel anymore.

把它加到三明治里。

Add it to a sandwich.

把它加到酱汁里。

Add it to a sauce.

把它加到蘸酱里。

Add it to a dip.

昨晚我做了意大利笔管面配伏特加酱，但没奶油。

I made penne a la vodka last night, and I didn't have cream.

对吧？

Right?

这个食谱通常需要重奶油。

The recipe usually calls for heavy cream.

亲爱的，我加了一些奶油奶酪进去。

Honey, I put some cream cheese in that.

哦，亲爱的。

Oh, honey.

我用的是费城奶油奶酪，确切地说，这简直是颠覆性的改变。

I put that Philadelphia cream cheese to be exact, and it was a game changer.

费城奶油奶酪就是我的首选。

Philadelphia cream cheese is just it's a go to.

我再也不用别的奶油奶酪了，因为只有费城的才最棒。

I'm never gonna go for another cream cheese because it's the Philadelphia.

你知道我喜欢什么吗？

You know what I like?

费城人。

People from Philly.

你知道我喜欢什么吗？

You know what I like?

费城奶油奶酪。

Philadelphia cream cheese.

有一件很酷的事是，你可以在网上找到无数令人惊叹的不同食谱。

One of the cool things is is you can go on the internet and you can find so many amazing different recipes.

我知道在TikTok上很火，你可以看到如何让你的食谱变得更顺滑、更美味。

I know there was it was trending on TikTok that you could see, you know, how you can make your recipes creamier and more delicious.

嘿。

Hey.

加一勺，半块菲力奶油奶酪进去，人们一定会惊叹：哇。

Put a little scoop, half a block of Philadelphia cream cheese in there, and people are gonna go, wow.

哇。

Wow.

好吧。

Okay.

伊娜·加登。

Ina Garden.

好吧。

Okay.

哇。

Wow.

蕾切尔·雷，我都不知道你还是个厨师男孩还是啥。

Rachel Ray, didn't know you were a chef boy or d.

你说，不，亲爱的。

You say, no, honey.

我只是去 creamcheese.com 看了看食谱灵感，这样我就可以在家里做菜时加入菲力奶酪了。

I just I just went to visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration, and so I can start adding Philadelphia into my recipes at home.

菲力奶酪让一切变得更顺滑。

Philadelphia makes everything creamier.

快去 creamcheese.com 寻找食谱灵感，直到你过上最好的生活。

Just visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration until you can live your best life.

再强调一遍，把菲力奶酪加进你家里的所有食谱里。

Again, add Philadelphia into all your recipes at home.

去 creamcheese.com 看看。

Visit creamcheese.com.

那也是我听过最酷的网站名字了。

That is also the fucking coolest website name I've ever heard.

访问 creamcheese.com，让你的食谱更上一层楼。

Visit creamcheese.com and take your recipes to the next level.

现在回到播客。

Now back to the podcast.

我有一次愉快的互动。

I had a lovely interaction.

这个家伙的名字是海登吗？

Was this guy's name Hayden?

哦，该死。

Oh, shit.

我觉得他叫海登。

I feel like it was Hayden.

我可能记错了。

I could be wrong.

我在图书馆的体育酒吧里和一个兄弟会老爸有过一次愉快的互动。

I had a lovely interaction with a frat daddy at the library sports bar.

向图书馆体育酒吧致敬，这是我在美国最喜欢的酒吧。

Shout out to the library sports bar, my favorite bar in America.

所以演出结束后我去酒吧，这个人走过来找我。

So I'm the bar after the show, and this guy comes up to me.

他说：‘女士，您好。’

He says, Hey, ma'am.

首先，女士？好吧，我接受这个称呼。

First of all, ma'am, yes, I'll take it.

等等。

Hold on.

让我把我的发髻重新弄好。

Let me get my chignon back up.

我的小发卷要散了。

My little twist is falling.

好了。

Okay.

让我们从头开始。

So let's go back to the top.

有个可爱的男士在体育酒吧找到我，对我说：‘女士，您好。’

I have this lovely guy come up to me at the library of sports bar, and he says, Hey, ma'am.

我需要向您道歉。

I need to apologize to you.

我心里想：这个小可爱到底想说什么？

I'm thinking, What the hell is this little cutie patootie trying to say?

我说：‘好的，先生。’

I said, yes, sir.

您想为什么事道歉呢？

What would you like to apologize about?

他说：‘在大学比赛日看到你时，我不知道你是谁。’

He said, when I saw you on college game day, I didn't know who you were.

我在Instagram上发了一条非常刻薄的评论，关于ESPN播放的一段视频，你们可能还记得，一年前，在我于福克斯电视台录制完第二个脱口秀后的晚上，我赶到了雅典，因为佐治亚大学要对阵密西西比大学。

And I wrote something really mean on Instagram on the ESPN clip of I don't know if y'all remember, a year ago, the night after I shot my second special at the Fox, I hauled my ass up to Athens because UGA was playing Ole Miss.

他们在大学比赛日让我出镜，表演了大约九十秒的喜剧。

And they had me pop up and do like ninety seconds of like comedy on college game day.

这个家伙，而且我去年提过这件事，但天啊，球迷们真的气疯了。

This guy and and when I I I discussed this last year, but, man, the fans were fucking pissed.

但那不是奥尔良大学球迷的反应。

And it wasn't Ole Miss fans.

我开了个关于阿拉巴马的玩笑。

I made a joke about Alabama.

是阿拉巴马的球迷来找我麻烦。

The the Alabama fans came for me.

总的来说，是男性们来找我麻烦。

Just men in general came for me.

当时气温只有零下两度，还下着大雨，我们拍这个片段时，我的乳头都因为寒冷而挺立，透过毛衣都能看出来。

My nipples were hard through a sweater because it was two degrees out, and it was pouring rain when we shot this clip.

所以人们评论我的身体、我的乳头、我的脸、我的胸部、我的腿，我所有的一切。

So people are making comments about my body, my nips, my face, my tits, my legs, my everything.

但这个家伙，海登。

But this guy, Hayden.

我说：‘海登，你在Instagram上说了什么？’

I said, well, Hayden, what what did you say on on the Instagrams?

他说：‘把这女人从我该死的屏幕上移开。’

He said, I said, get this woman off my fucking screen.

对此，每个女性都会评论说：‘闭嘴吧，海登。’

As to which every woman comments, you know, you'd be like, know, shut the fuck up, Hayden.

滚蛋。

Fuck you.

不管怎样，他说：‘我不知道你是谁。’

Anyways, he said, I didn't know who you were.

我完全不知道你是谁。

I had no idea who you were.

当我告诉你，就在发布那条内容后的十秒内，我姑姑、妈妈、姐妹和表亲都给我发来了死亡威胁。

And when I tell you my aunt, my mom, my sisters, my cousin sent me death threats within the ten seconds of posting that.

他说他妹妹说，你要低头。

He said that his sister was like, You bow down.

你要对麦马洪女士表示尊重。

You show respect for Ms.

麦马洪。

McMahon.

你他妈的怎么敢？

How fucking dare you?

她是个喜剧演员。

She's a fucking comic.

她不是体育评论员。

She's not a sports commentator.

闭上你的嘴。

Like, Shut the fuck up.

所以他过来了。

So he came up.

这个年轻人走过来，和我握了手，然后我们拍了个视频发给他妹妹，因为他需要一份活著的证明。

This young man came up, shook my hand, and then we made a video and sent it to his sister to because he needed proof of life.

他需要一段真实的视频，证明我们是靠谱的。

He needed an actual video proof that we were Gucci.

他已经当面道歉了，我们之间一切都好了。

He had apologized in person, and we were all good.

我希望他的妹妹在听这段话，也许我记错你的名字了，孩子。

And I want, I hope his sister is listening to this, and feel like I probably got your name wrong, son.

我真的很抱歉。

I'm so sorry.

孩子，你都可以当我情人了。

A son, you could be my lover.

不管怎样，这真的非常感人。

Anyways, regardless, it was so touching.

我告诉他，我说：你知道吗？

And I told him, I said, You know what?

我会在图书馆的后巷给你手淫。

I'll give you a handjob in the back alley of the library.

我没有。

I did not.

我没有。

I did not.

但那真的太他妈好笑了。

But it was just so fucking funny.

我特别喜欢他向我走来的样子。

And I loved just the way he came up to me.

我需要道歉。

I need to apologize.

我是个混蛋。

I was an asshole.

我不知道。

I did not know.

他生气的一件事是，我想我好像说了些什么，你知道的，听着，如果我们今天赢不了比赛，你知道的，密西西比大学，我们可能不会赢下每场比赛，但我们从不会错过一场派对。

One of the things he got mad at is that I guess I said something, you know, Listen, if we don't win the game today, you know, Ole Miss, we may not win every game, but we never lose a party.

我不该这么说。

That was wrong of me to say.

明白吗？

Okay?

我向那些情绪激动的体育迷道歉。

I apologize to the psycho sports fans.

我当时只是在做一段十秒钟的段子。

I was, again, just doing a ten second bit.

我觉得他们以为我是想说，我觉得我们今天会赢，但如果我们没赢，密西西比大学从不会错过一场派对。

I think they thought I was like, I think we're going to win today, but if we don't, Ole Miss never loses a party.

这一直是密西西比大学的口头禅。

That is what our catchphrase at the University of Mississippi has been forever.

行吗？

K?

另一个口号是，你永远不会真正从密西西比大学毕业，这意味着那里是一个如此理想的地方。

And the other catchphrase is one never truly graduates from Ole Miss, which means it's such a idyllic place to be.

你根本不想离开。

You never wanna leave.

我没想到这句话会让这么多体育迷如此激动。

I didn't realize how triggering that was gonna be for so many sports fans.

当然，我们有一支很棒的橄榄球队。

Like, obviously, we have a great football team.

我只是想说，是的，我们要对阵排名第一的佐治亚队，但你知道吗？

I was just making a statement like, Yeah, we're playing Georgia, the number one seed, but you know what?

我觉得我们会赢，但即使输了，我们还是会开派对，玩得开心。

I think we're going win, but if we don't, we're still going to party and have a good time.

这本应是一个积极的时刻，但显然触怒了一些年轻男性。

It was supposed to be a positive moment, but obviously it triggered some young men.

所以，不管怎样，我经历了这美好的一刻。

So, anyways, I had this beautiful moment.

我让这个男人把脸埋在我胸口。

I I let this man nuzzle in my bosom.

你知道的，他请我喝了一杯龙舌兰，我们俩状态很好。

You know, he bought me a tequila shot, and we were Gucci.

杰夫看到我们全都倒下了。

And Jeff sees us go down sees us all go down.

他问：那个家伙到底在为什幺正经道歉？

He's like, what was that guy, like, like, genuinely apologizing for?

我回答：比赛日啊。

I was like, game day.

他说：没错，兄弟！

He's like, fuck yeah, buddy.

没错。

Fuck yeah.

那家伙说：我永远不会忘记你是谁。

And the guy was like, I'm never gonna forget who you are.

节目太棒了。

Show is fantastic.

我是铁粉。

Big fan.

我们做到了。

We did that.

你知道吗？

You know?

你知道男孩们是怎么做的吗？我正想给你做点ASMR。

You know how boys just, they hit I'm trying to do a little ASMR for you.

他们一上来就猛敲，你知道的，使劲砸。

They hit the you know, they pound it.

他们来个碰拳。

They do the dap.

他们做这个动作。

They do this thing.

rim a limb a ding dong，雅各布的梯子。

Rim a limb a ding dong, Jacob's ladder.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

你知道吗，以前你把手合在一起，然后穿过别人的手，再打开，看起来像屁股洞？

You know when you used to do the you you put your hands together, and then you'd put them through somebody else's hands, and you'd open it and look like a butthole?

我们以前就玩这个。

That we did that.

那可真有趣。

That was fun.

懂吗？

Know?

如果你没在YouTube上看，那我跟你讲，你知道我在说什么。

If you're not watching on YouTube, I'm you know you know what I'm talking about.

小时候，你会把手合在一起，再和别人的手合在一起，然后打开，看起来就像个屁股。

When you're a kid, you put your hands together and then put them together with somebody else's hands, and you'd open it up, and it was like a butt.

好的。

Okay.

嗯，这正是我在基督教教育学校时的经历。

Well, that's what I did at my Christian education, my school.

所以那真是太棒了。

So it was just great.

遇到了好多兄弟会爸爸们。

Ran into so many frat daddies.

你知道吗，这正是我喜欢重返大学的原因。

You know, and this is what I love, going back to college.

重返大学会让你变得谦逊。

Going back to college, it humbles you.

这是一段回忆之旅。

It's a walk down memory lane.

你知道，我从来不太怀旧。

You know, I've never been too nostalgic.

我觉得回到大学让我更怀旧，因为我不知道自己当初是怎么熬过来的。

I think I'm more nostalgic about being back in college because I don't know how I survived.

说到不知道我们是怎么熬过来的，我们在密西西比州有个盛大的活动。

Speaking of not knowing how we survived, so we have this big thing in Mississippi.

比如，我们有全美第一的赛前聚会，你知道的。

Like, we have the number one tailgating, okay?

这就是为什么我们从不缺派对气氛。

Hence why we never lose a party.

所以我们搭起了这些帐篷。

So we set up these tents.

我们还挂了吊灯。

We have a chandelier.

我们摆了鲜花。

We have flowers.

我们还全程提供餐饮。

We have it fully catered.

这跟其他大学的赛前聚会完全不一样。

It's not like tailgating at any other university.

我们所谓的赛前聚会，你可能以为是把卡车后斗放下来，坐在车尾板上，开几瓶啤酒，但不是这样的。

We don't tailgate You know, you call it a tailgate because you take the back of the truck and you lay it down and you sit on, I guess what it is, the tailgate of the truck, you crack open a couple beers.

不，不，不，不，不，不，不。

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

我们的赛前聚会跟任何车辆都没关系。

There are no vehicles involved in our tailgating.

我们有的是吊灯。

It's chandeliers.

我们有的是帐篷。

It's tents.

在一片叫‘树荫区’的地方，到处都是帐篷，连成一片。

It's a sea of tents in this one area called The Grove.

明白吗？

Okay?

去谷歌搜一下。

Just Google it.

做个简单的谷歌搜索。

A quick Google search.

任何懂足球的人都知道，我们的赛前聚会是最好的。

Anybody who knows anything about football knows that we have the best tailgating.

我们绝不会出现在停车场。

We wouldn't be caught dead in a parking lot.

明白吗？

Okay?

那太俗气了。

That's tacky.

那太糟糕了。

That's trash.

哦，你在沃尔玛旁边用漏斗灌啤酒？

Oh, you're funneling beers next to the Walmart?

那不是密西西比。

That's not Mississippi.

我不知道该说什么。

I don't know what to tell you.

但当时我们遇到了两位来自亚特兰大的女孩，她们就在我们帐篷旁边，前一天晚上刚看过演出。

But we had this moment where we met these two great gals from Atlanta that were at the tent next to us, and they had come to the show the night before.

所以我们和她们聊得非常开心。

So we're all having a great time chit chatting with them.

然后突然间，我听到其中一位妈妈说话。

And then all of a sudden, I hear one of the moms.

我不想称她们为妈妈，但我还是得这么叫，因为她们真的是典型的妈妈。

And I don't want to refer to them as the moms, but I am going to refer to them as the moms because they're like real moms.

就是那种孩子都上大学了的妈妈。

Like their kids were in college kind of moms.

你懂我的意思吧？

You know what I mean?

她们从不瞎搞，但也会搞清楚情况。

Where they don't fuck around, but they also find out.

所以我们都在喝酒。

So we're all having drinks.

我们玩得很开心，而当时正下着倾盆大雨。

We're having a great time, and it had just torrentially downpoured.

我突然就开口了。

I'm talking out of nowhere.

天突然裂开，人们的帐篷都塌了。

The heavens opened up and people's tents are collapsing.

你知道的，到处都在淹水。

You know, everything's flooding.

事情一下子就变得很糟。

Like it got bad real quick.

突然，我听到旁边一位妈妈说话。

All of a sudden, I hear one of the moms next to me.

她喊：‘把椅子拿过来。’

She's like, Grab the chair.

把椅子拿过来。

Grab the chair.

我转过身，正站在冷藏箱旁，三个大男人冲进我们的帐篷，手里扶着一个年轻小伙子。

And I turn around, I'm standing at the cooler, and three dudes come running over into our tent, and they're holding this young guy.

他很高，大概六英尺一英寸，身材瘦弱，非常瘦弱，而且脸色惨白。

He's tall, probably like six'one, thin kid, thin kid, and he is just white.

这孩子白得跟他的衬衫一样。

The kid is as white as his shirt.

而这场活动正好是所谓的‘全白着装日’。

And for this game, it was a quote, unquote white out.

所以我们本来就都穿着白色衣服，而这 guy 的脸色就跟他的衬衫一个颜色。

So we're all wearing white anyways, and this guy is the color of his shirt.

于是那些妈妈们喊道：‘希瑟，拿瓶水来。’

So the moms are like, Heather, grab a water.

所以我站在冰柜旁边。

So I'm standing next to the cooler.

我扔给他们一瓶水。

I throw them a water.

当我告诉你我看到了母性本能时，这个女人——我叫她婊子，就是那种狠角色——其中一个妈妈居然用牙齿直接咬开了一瓶Aquafina矿泉水，咔嚓一下就打开了，把瓶盖吐了出来。

And when I tell you I saw a mother bears, a mama bears instinct, This bitch, and I'm calling her a bitch and like this bad bitch, one of the moms took literally opened a, like, Aquafina bottle with her teeth, just cracked it open, spit the top of the water bottle out.

当我这么说的时候，就像是在给这个年轻人喂水一样。

And when I say it was like bottle feeding water to this young man.

现在他的朋友们说他滑倒了。

Now his friends said he had slipped.

他们认为他撞到了头。

They think he had hit his head.

地上很泥泞，但他明显像是喝醉了，或者没吃东西，直接就倒下了。

It was muddy, but he clearly seemed intoxicated, like this kid or he hadn't eaten and he just hit the deck.

所以他们叫了急救人员。

So they're calling the EMT.

急救人员过来了。

The EMT comes over.

谢天谢地。

Thank God.

他们检查了他的生命体征。

They get his vitals.

他没事。

He's fine.

他只是被吓坏了，你知道， probably 昨晚狂欢了一夜，靠的全是像凌晨四点吃一份塔可钟这种东西维持生活。

He's just really, like, shaken up, you know, probably partied the night before, was living off nothing but, you know, one Taco Bell to keto at 4AM.

我的意思是，这些年轻人根本不懂怎么补水。

I mean, you know, these young kids, they don't know how to hydrate.

你必须补水。

You gotta hydrate.

随身总得在口袋里备一袋液体IV。

Always have a liquid IV in the back pocket.

但我说的这两位妈妈，我从来没见过这样的情况。

But his, I mean, these when I say these two moms, I have never seen anything like it.

她们简直太能处理事情了。

They just fucking handled shit.

她们在和急救人员沟通，和他朋友们交谈。

Dealing with the EMT, talking to his friends.

他撞到头的地方在哪里？

Where did he hit his head?

他滑倒了。

He slipped.

让我看看那个地方。

Let me see the spot.

我就站在那儿，心想：教练，把我换上吧。

And I'm just standing there like, you know, Put me in, coach.

我随时准备上场。

I'm ready to tap me in.

让我上场。

Tap me in.

我并不出色，等等，其实我挺出色的。

I'm not great Well, I actually am pretty great.

我擅长处理医疗事务，因为我自己经历过很多医疗状况。

I'm good at medical things because a lot of medical things have happened to me.

但我当时在想，你们需要什么？

But I was like, What do you need?

你们需要冰吗？

You need ice?

走，咱们赶紧的。

Let's fucking go.

我把冰塞进泡沫杯里，递给他们。

I'm shoving ice in a Styrofoam cup, giving it to them.

赶紧给脖子上冰敷。

Let's get ice on the neck.

给他们降温。

Cool them off.

就像，我们当时有三个胸部很大的金发女郎，两个妈妈。

Like, we were just it was like three big titted blondes, two moms.

我只是个法国妈妈。

I'm just a Frenchie mom.

我就想，我就在后面帮忙吧。

And I'm like, I'm just gonna help from back here.

不过，这挺有意思的。

It was interesting, though.

这孩子的妹妹在哭。

This kid's sister is, like, crying.

你知道吗，这孩子最后没事。

You know, the kid ends up being fine.

他们把他带走了。

They take him away.

他可能需要打点滴。

He probably needs an IV.

据我所知，这孩子根本没喝酒。

From what I heard, the kid hadn't even been drinking.

你知道，他是个糖尿病患者。

You know, he's a diabetic.

我不了解具体情况。

I didn't know the extent of it.

但当我看到医护人员到场后，我就想：好吧，给他留点空间。

But once I saw that the medical professionals were there, I was like, All right, let's give him some space.

但我注意到他的男朋友们都溜了。

But I did notice that his guy friends bounced.

我不知道这条信息是否能传达到这个年轻人那里。

And I don't know if this message will ever get to this young man.

我不知道该怎么传。

I don't know how.

但如果有任何人在这里听到了这段话，并且你有正在上大学或处于那个年龄段的儿子或女儿，请把这一段放给他们听。

But if there's anybody here who's listening to this who has a son or daughter in college or at that age, just play this part for them.

当这个坐在椅子上的年轻人，还有那些所谓的成年人介入后，他的朋友们一听说救护车要来，我就说那三个家伙立刻就溜了，跑得飞快，简直难以置信。

As soon as this young man that sat in the chair and the, quote unquote, I guess, adults took over, his friends, when they heard that the EMTs were coming when I say that these three dudes took off down the fucking, you know, yellow brick road so quick, it was unbelievable.

我第一个想法是，如果在我发生医疗紧急情况时，我的大学朋友们就这样抛下我跑了，那他们根本不是真朋友。

And my first thought was, if those were my friends in college after I had had some medical emergency and they just bounced, those aren't real friends.

明白吗？

Okay?

我理解可能会有人辩解说，这些孩子可能真的吓坏了，尤其是如果那孩子当时在吸毒的话。

And I understand that the argument could be made, Well, the kids were probably really nervous, you know, maybe if the kid was on drugs.

他看起来像是刚吸过毒，但我不知道在密西西比州周六下午一点钟，你怎么可能去吸那个东西。

He looked like he had been rolling, but I don't know how you roll at like 01:00 in the afternoon on a Saturday in Mississippi.

实际上，我百分百知道你怎么吸。

Actually, I 100% know how you roll.

总之，那些孩子都跑了。

Anyways, the kids took off.

所以我能理解他们可能被吓到了。

So I could understand that they may have gotten spooked.

天哪。

Oh, man.

我们身上有毒品，或者在未成年饮酒，或者别的什么。

We've got drugs on us, or we're underage drinking, or whatever.

我们会惹上麻烦的。

We're gonna get in trouble.

但当我说这些人丢下他然后溜之大吉时，这简直太疯狂了。

But when I say that these guys dropped him and fucking bounced, it was the wildest thing.

所以，你知道，我们帐篷里站着的所有朋友，有雷、蒂娜、索菲、莉芙、艾米莉也在，还有我丈夫。

So, you know, all of our friends that are standing in our tent, we have Ray, we have Tina, Sophie, Liv, Emily's there, my husband.

我们有朋友肖恩和克里斯汀。

We have our friends, Sean and Kristen.

我们都已经毕业好多年了。

Like, you know, we've all been out of college a while now.

我们所有人都立刻互相看了看，好像每个人都在想同样的事情。

We all immediately look at each other, and it was kind of like everybody was thinking the same thing.

朋友们去哪儿了？

Where the fuck did the friends go?

他们跑了。

They bounced.

他们他妈的跑了。

They fucking bounced.

等孩子安顿下来后，其中一位妈妈走过来找我，因为她的一个儿子在足球队，我们就聊了起来。

And once the kid got settled, one of the moms came over to me because, you know, one of her sons plays on the football team, and we were just chatting.

我当时想，等等，快采取行动啊。

I was like, wait, wait a spring into action.

幸好他没事。

Like, glad he's okay.

那孩子没事。

And the kid was okay.

我们所有人第一件事就是其中一个妈妈说，她直接说：‘是啊。’

We all the first thing one of the mom said, she literally goes, yeah.

你有没有注意到他的狗屁朋友跑得多快？

Did you notice how fast his fucking friends bounced?

她说：‘我的意思是，当我给他打静脉液体时，我告诉他，那些根本不是你真正的朋友。’

She's like, I mean, while I was giving him a liquid IV, I told him those aren't your real fucking friends.

如果这还不是真相，如果这还不是真相，那我想说，我知道有一些大学生在听我讲话。

And if that ain't the fucking truth, if that ain't the truth So I would like to I know that there are some college kids that listen to me.

听好了，第一，别把自己置于周六去吸烈性毒品的境地。

Listen, one, don't put yourself in situations where you're doing hardcore drugs on a Saturday.

这不是个好主意。

Not a good idea.

这不是个好主意。

Not a good idea.

但同时，也别丢下你他妈的朋友。

But also, don't leave your fucking friends.

你知道吧？

You know?

别这么做。

Don't do it.

这就是报应。

That's karma.

别这么做。

Don't do it.

你们得互相照应。

You got to look out for each other.

我真的不想听起来像个老太婆，但我转过头对杰夫说：我们的孩子不会上大学。

And I really don't want to sound like an old lady, but I turned to Jeff and I was like, Our children are not going to college.

你知道吧？

You know?

他去了宾州州立大学，疯狂玩乐，而我呢，在密西西比州，没有任何规矩，你知道的，父母总说：如果我的孩子干了我当年在大学、高中，或者那些成长关键时期所做事情的三分之一，天哪，我会急得睡不着觉。

He went to Penn State, partied his dick off, and, you know, me being in Mississippi with no rules, I just you know, parents always say, If my kids do a third of what I did in college or high school or, you know, in those formative years, your early years, like, oh my god, I'm gonna be up sick.

我真要急得睡不着了。

I'm literally gonna be up sick.

我的孩子会被植入芯片。

My kids are gonna be microchipped.

他们脖子上会戴电击项圈。

They're gonna have a shock collar on the neck.

你只要敢碰一下毒品。

You so much as look at a drug.

明白了。

Gotcha.

因为我不知道自己是怎么活下来的。

Because I don't know how I made it out alive.

当然，我在大学时吸了很多大麻，但那时候就算吸得再嗨，也只是瘫在沙发上。

Now granted the only I mean, we smoked a lot of weed in college, and even that was like When you got so high off college weed, you were just melting into the couch.

你根本不会出去泡夜店，但现在这些孩子都在吃药。

You weren't going out hitting the clubs, but now these kids are doing the pills.

孩子们，别吃药。

Don't do the pills, kids.

别他妈碰这玩意。

Don't fucking do it.

你根本不知道这玩意里头有什么。

You don't know what's in this shit.

别碰。

Don't do it.

等你大学毕业的时候，你会变得他妈的蠢透了。

You're going to end up so fucking stupid by the time you leave college.

你会变成这样：虽然拿了商科学位，却连句话都说不完整，而且因为吃药，脸都歪了。

You're going be like, Well, I got a business degree, but I can't form a sentence, and now my face kind of droops to the side because you did the pills.

远离它们。

Stay off of them.

一切都会循环往复。

Everything is cyclical.

你最终会接近四十岁，那时你不得不靠吃药才能睡着，因为要时刻盯着你那帮小崽子的焦虑感太强烈了，或者世界上的各种担忧会让你彻夜难眠。

You will eventually get to your, you know, close to your early 40s, and you have to take pills to go to sleep at night because the anxiety of keeping an eye on your little shits is so intense, or the worries of the world will keep you up.

所以最终你还是会回到吃药的状态，但如果你现在能忍住，就先别碰它们。

So eventually, you'll get back to the pills, but if you can for right now, stay off of them.

我不知道为什么，和醉得特别厉害的人待在一起会让我特别崩溃。

And I don't know why, and it's very triggering for me to be around super drunk people.

我小时候并没有在酗酒的家庭长大。

I didn't grow up in an alcoholic household.

我也没怎么接触过那种情况，我说这个的意思是，这本不该让我有反应，对吧？

I didn't grow up around and I say that as in like, it shouldn't be triggering like you know?

通常人们看到醉得不成人样的人会崩溃，是因为爸爸或妈妈是酒鬼，但情况不是这样的。

Usually when people get triggered around people who are really slob kebab wasted, it's because, you know, well, daddy was a drunk or mama was a drunk.

我家里不是这种情况，但我不知道为什么。

That wasn't that the case in my house, but I don't know why.

现在站在这个角度，看到人们烂醉如泥，我就想：你能不能管住自己。

Now just being on the other side of this shit, seeing people really fucked up, it's like, get ahold of yourself.

我确实觉得，这就是为什么我在巡演时不得不做这些公益广告，会让我如此烦躁。

And I do feel that that's why I would get so annoyed when I was on tour, and I'd have to do these PSAs.

比如，女孩们，来参加演出，好好享受，来之前吃个该死的奶酪玉米饼。

Like, girls, come to the show, enjoy yourself, and eat a fucking cheese quesadilla before you come.

你知道的？

You know?

我希望你们玩得开心，但我也希望你们安全。

I want you to have a good time, but I also want you to be safe.

我竟然成了关于酒精安全的理智声音，这简直难以置信。

The fact that I am a voice of reason when it comes to alcohol safety is unbelievable.

但在我生活中，关于喝酒，我确实也疯狂派对过。

But also in my life, like drinking, I've I partied hard.

我从未错过过任何一场派对。

I have never missed a party.

但现在，要让我醉倒，得喝下大量的酒精。

But now it takes so much alcohol for me to be fucked up.

两杯葡萄酒，我就飘了。

Two glasses of wine, I'm cruising.

你给我一杯马提尼和半颗软糖，我就飘了。

You give me a one martini and half a gummy, I'm cruising.

我依然头脑清醒。

I've got I'm still mentally clear.

我在咯咯笑。

I'm giggling.

我变得温柔了一点。

I'm a little softer.

你知道，我不会在酒吧里大喊大叫。

You know, I'm not yelling across the bar.

我只是在角落里轻轻摇晃臀部，独自对着垃圾桶扭动，所以我们知道这是双方同意的。

I'm just in the corner kind of shaking my hips, grinding on the trash can by myself, so we know that's consensual.

但和那些醉得东倒西歪、完全失控的人在一起，真的让我很受不了。

But being out with people who are like sloppy slobs are just out of control, it really does something to me.

我不知道为什么。

I don't know why.

它加剧了我的焦虑。

It cranks up my anxiety.

我敢肯定这只是一个，你知道的，成熟的问题。

I'm sure it's just a, you know, maturity thing.

但我得告诉你，如果有年轻人在听，你可不想成为派对上最醉的那个人，也不想成为最后一个去吧台的人。

But I'm gonna tell you, there's anybody young listening, you don't wanna be the drunkest fucking person at a party, and you don't wanna be the last person to the bar.

我来告诉你为什么。

And I'll tell you why.

当你成为最后一个在吧台的人时，什么好事都不会发生，永远不要让自己陷入可能被独自留下的境地。

Nothing good happens when you're the last person at the bar, and never put yourself in a situation where, you know, you could be left alone.

就是别他妈这么做。

Just don't fucking do it.

了解自己的极限。

Know your limits.

该死。

Fuck.

我觉得我会告诉我孩子：好吧，我把你锁在地下室里。

I feel like I would tell my kids, All right, I'm locking you in the basement.

哦，你18岁了？

Oh, you're 18 now?

太好了。

Great.

接下来会发生什么。

This is what's going to happen.

你要去喝酒，我会盯着你，你要知道自己的极限，然后明天你会经历一生中最糟糕的宿醉，从而明白自己能做什么、不能做什么。

You're to get drunk, and I'm going to keep an eye on you, You're and gonna know your limits, and then you're gonna have the worst fucking hangover of your life tomorrow, and then you're gonna realize what you can and can't do.

哦，我们只能喝三杯科斯莫，而不是十杯。

Oh, we can only do three cosmos as opposed to 10.

妈妈最懂了。

Well, mama knows best.

我是要当坏人吗？

Like, am I gonna be bad cop?

杰夫总说，你知道的，当我们有孩子的时候，我早就知道你会当坏人。

Jeff always says, like, you know, when we have kids, I I can already tell you're gonna be bad cop.

我觉得我很有趣。

I'm like, I'm fun.

我真的很有趣，只是最近我绷得太紧了。

I am so fucking fun, but I'm wound up tight these days.

我确实有点。

I am I am a little bit.

就是，你知道吗？

It's just I you know?

我不知道。

I don't know.

我根本不是想搞得这么沉重，但也许是因为我失去了父亲。

I'm not even trying to be heavy about it, but maybe it's because I lost my dad.

我觉得自从我爸去世后，我总觉得事情随时可能出岔子。

Like, I definitely think since my dad passed, I have a a sense of, like, shit could go wrong.

你懂我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

事情随时可能出岔子。

Shit could go wrong.

所以当我看到人们过度饮酒，甚至到了无法照顾自己，或者性格大变，变得愤怒、易怒，或者只是躲在角落里歇斯底里大哭的时候，我就觉得……

So when I see people excessively drinking, I'm just like like, to the point where they're unable to take care of themselves or they're you know, it changes their personality and they become angry or volatile or just like hysterically crying in the corner.

我觉得这对我们已经没什么意义了。

I'm kinda like, this doesn't serve us anymore.

伙计们，我们到底在这儿干嘛？

What are we doing here, guys?

我现在就喜欢来个双层麦当劳超值套餐，再抽根烟。

You know, I'm a a two McUltra and a cigarette kinda mood.

致敬麦当劳超值套餐。

Shout out to McUltra.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我非常希望有个赞助商，但当我告诉你这个周末我狂喝McUltra时，没有比这更新鲜、更清爽、低碳的选择了。

I would love a sponsorship, but when I tell you I was crushing McUltras this weekend, nothing fresher, crisper, low carb.

这很有趣。

It was fun.

我爱它。

I love it.

你知道，Big Daddy Jeff在狂喝Zins，我对这些饮料真的不知道该怎么想。

You know, and Big Daddy Jeff's Crushing the Zins, which I'm just I don't know how I feel about those.

我需要再多做点研究。

I need to do a little more research.

但我们当时可是放开了喝。

But we were we were letting it rip.

我们玩得很开心。

We had a great time.

但老天，看到这些孩子跑开，丢下他们的朋友，让我想起特别是女生，如果你在听，好好照顾你的女朋友。

But man, seeing these kids just run off and leave their friend reminded me of just especially girls, if you're listening, you take care of your fucking girlfriends.

群里总会有一个女孩。

And there's gonna be one girl in the group.

她叫安妮贝尔，你知道的，她吃得不够，然后下一秒，她就得了两个维生素缺乏症。

Her name's Annabelle, and she's gonna be you know, she doesn't eat enough, and then the next thing you know, she has two vod cousins.

她，你知道的，她的私处都暴露在街头了。

Her, you know, her pussy's out on the street.

你得盯着她点。

You gotta keep an eye on her.

当她连续好几次这样做的时候，你得做个好朋友，坐下来对她说：够了。

And when she gets to the point where she's done this a couple times in a row, you need to be a good friend, sit her down, go, Enough.

明白吗？

All right?

我们担心你的安全。

We're worried about your safety.

我们不可能总在这里。

We're not always gonna be here.

我们不希望你陷入尴尬的境地。

We don't want you in a compromising situation.

安静点，安妮贝尔。

Settle down, Annabelle.

给我老实点！

Settle fucking down.

好了。

Alright.

我一直在说教。

I have been preaching.

对不起。

I'm sorry.

但不管怎样，看到妈妈们如此行动真好。

But, anyways, great to see moms in action.

我从没见过哪个女人直接把瓶盖撕下来。

I've never seen a bitch just rip off.

我的意思是，她连瓶盖都没拧，

I mean, she didn't even twist the cap of the water bottle.

她只是用瓶身侧面一撬，就把瓶盖弹进垃圾桶，然后下一秒，她就开始给那孩子喂水，这很可能救了孩子的命。

She just cracked it open with the side veneer and just spit spit the top in the trash can, and the next thing you know, she was like bottle feeding this kid water, and it quite possibly saved his life.

好吧。

Alright.

我们马上来听语音留言。

We're gonna get into the voicemails.

和往常一样，你可以拨打 (800) 213-7503 参与。

As always, you can call in (800) 213-7503.

另外，周五我们发布了一期加更节目，不好意思，我没宣传，因为我当时在密西西比州做节目，但史黛芙·托利夫——我最喜欢的喜剧演员之一，她太搞笑了，她也会登船，所以期待一下吧。

Also, we had a bonus episode come out Friday, and my bad, I did not promote it because I was in Mississippi doing the show, but Steph Toliv, who's one of my favorite comedians, she's so funny, she's coming on the cruise too, so get excited.

她将在船上表演她的污秽脱口秀。

She's gonna be doing her filth show on the cruise.

我不确定我们有没有宣布过，但管他呢。

I don't know if we've announced it, but fuck it.

随便吧。

Whatever.

她会来这次邮轮，而且我们周五发布了一集加更。

She is coming on the cruise, and she we did we dropped a bonus episode Friday.

所以请回去听听那一集。

So please go back and listen to that.

如果你有机会在现场看她的演出，她真的超级搞笑。

And if you get a chance to see her on the road, she is so unbelievably funny.

我的好朋友珍·扎布罗夫斯基，她拍摄或执导了我的特别节目，现在也在执导她的特别节目。

And my dear friend Jen Zabrowski, who shot or directed my special is also directing her special.

所以，你知道的，这肯定会很炸。

So, you know, it's gonna be fire.

所以我特别期待她。

So I'm so excited for her.

我喜欢看到别人成功。

I love seeing people win.

说到成功，太棒了。

Speaking of winning, fuck yeah.

妮基·格拉瑟将主持金球奖，我为她感到无比兴奋。

Nikki Glaser is hosting the Golden Globes, and I could not be more excited for her.

实至名归。

Well deserved.

妮基，实至名归。

Nikki, well deserved.

你知道，是时候让更多的单口喜剧女演员，以及更多的女性来主持这些活动了。

You know, it's about fucking time that they had more stand up women in stand up and also just fucking women in general hosting these things.

你知道吗？

You know?

我为妮基今年所取得的一切感到由衷高兴。

I'm so happy for the year that Nikki has had.

真的很应得。

So well deserved.

她人很好。

She's nice.

她很幽默。

She's funny.

她拼命工作，这才是最重要的。

She works her dick off, and that is what's important.

而且，你知道，这真的太不可思议了。

And, you know, it's just it's so wild.

我不是想重复或者显得烦人，但当你开始看到女性获得这些成就时，就会明显意识到，做这些事的女性实在太少了。

And it's not to be repetitive or to seem annoying about it, but when you start to see these wins for women, it really does kind of put a magnifying glass up to the fact that there are so few women doing these things.

所以，大家都会说，天哪。

So, you know, everyone's like, oh my god.

真的很应得。

Well deserved.

当然，实至名归。

Of course, well deserved.

她应该主持金球奖，因为她是个厉害的女强人。

She should be hosting the Golden Globes because she's a bad bitch.

但真让人惊讶的是，居然现在才这样。

But it is wild that it's like, yeah.

这种事早就该发生了。

That should happen a long time ago.

而且，我也愿意主持奥斯卡奖。

Also, I'm open to do the Oscars.

我知道这通常是基梅尔的活儿，但我只是想让你知道一下。

I know that's usually Kimmel's gig, but I'm just letting you know.

我知道我跟电影圈没什么关联。

And I know I have really no ties to movies.

我只演过两部电影。

The only movie I have ever I've done two movies.

我演过一部叫《家庭》的电影，实际上非常棒。

I did a movie called Family that was actually fantastic.

向导演拉尔斯·戴内尔致敬。

Shout out to Lars Deinell, the director.

我还演过一部叫《爱之心》的电影，是一部由妮娜·杜波夫和赵约翰主演的圣诞爱情喜剧，我们在疫情期间拍摄的。

And I I did a movie called Love Heart, which was a Christmas rom com starring Nina Dobrev and Jimmy O'Yang, and we shot that during COVID.

这部电影在Netflix上可以观看。

It is on Netflix.

所以，这就是我参演过的两部电影。

So that those are the two movies I have been in.

我希望能演更多电影，但他们就是不回我电话。

I would like to do more movies, but they just have not called me back.

但无论如何，我认为仅凭这两部作品，就足以让我至少有资格被提名为奥斯卡主持人候选人。

But either way, I think those two credentials alone should be able to get me at least, like, throw my name in in a hat to host the Oscars.

你知道的？

You know?

你能想象吗？

Could you imagine?

比如，喜剧演员希瑟·麦马洪主持奥斯卡颁奖典礼。

Like, comedian Heather McMahon is is hosting the Oscars.

她演过两部你从没看过的电影。

She's been in two movies you never saw.

那会很棒。

That would be great.

那会很棒。

That would be great.

所以，不管怎样，我就是很高兴。

So, anyhow, I'm just happy.

我为妮基·格拉瑟感到无比高兴。

I'm so happy for Nikki Glaser.

加油，女孩。

Go go, girl.

好吧。

Alright.

好的。

Okay.

我们来听语音留言吧。

Let's get to the voicemails.

我啰嗦了。

I'm rambling.

我谈过酒精安全，还有那些会触发我的事情。

I've talked about alcohol safety, things that trigger me.

我解释过体育赛事。

I've explained sports.

天啊，我到底是谁？

Like, who the fuck am I?

但我过得很开心。

But I had a good time.

老兄，顺便说一句，如果你从来没去过Buc ee's，那我告诉你，Buc ee's是个超级便利店。

Dude, and side note, if you've never been to a Buc ee's, a Buc ee's is a dude, it's a mega store.

现在整个南部都有它们的分店，我觉得它们正在向全国扩张，尤其是在德克萨斯州。

They have them all over the South now, and I believe they're expanding across the country, but especially in Texas.

这是德克萨斯州的特色。

It's a Texas thing.

Buc ee's是个路边驿站，提供你能想象到的一切舒适设施。

A Buc ee's is a roadside stop that has every creature comfort you could ever imagine.

从可以挂在湖边小屋墙上的小摆设，到烤得焦香的牛胸肉三明治，再到你喝过的最棒的咖啡、可拉奇和手工肉桂卷，还有各种巧克力软糖。

They've got everything from a tchotchke you could put on the wall at your lake house to a, you know, a burnt ends brisket sandwich to the best coffee you've ever had to a kolache to a homemade cinnamon roll, and just fudge.

伙计们，我在Buc ee's的时候，心想：我要买点巧克力软糖。

Y'all, I was I'm at Buc ee's, and I'm like, I'm gonna get some fudge.

你们不知道吧，我小时候特别爱吃巧克力软糖。

And I don't know if y'all know this, but I was a fudgy kid.

伙计们，我小时候特别爱吃巧克力软糖。

Y'all, I was a fudgy kid.

我知道那些和我一样爱吃巧克力的朋友们。

And I know my fellow fudgy kids out there.

你们懂我的意思吧？

You feel me?

你们听懂了吗？

You hear me?

我们是一体的。

We are one.

如果你的手指沾过巧克力，就眨两次眼。

It's like blink twice if you had fudgy fingers.

我小时候特别爱吃巧克力。

I loved fudge growing up as a kid.

这也难怪我的血糖高得离谱。

It's also why my sugars were off the charts.

我以前会去佐治亚州海伦市的一家巧克力店。

I would go to this fudge shop up in Helen, Georgia.