对爱情的不信任，建议咨询

大家好，欢迎回到《建议环节》，这是我们《随心所欲》系列的一部分，你们可以提交当前遇到的困境或任何需要建议的事情，然后我会给出我非常不专业的建议，希望你们能带着保留态度看待。今天的话题是一个熟悉的内容——关于人际关系、约会、爱情和浪漫的主题。这是《随心所欲》中反复出现的话题。但为了让内容更刺激一点，今天我们将讨论爱情中的不信任、嫉妒、信任问题，这些不那么有趣的事情。那么事不宜迟，我觉得我们应该直接开始。

Hey there, and welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything you want advice on, and then I give you my very unprofessional advice, and then hopefully you take it with a grain of salt. And today's topic is a familiar one, the topic of relationships, dating, love, romance. This is a reoccurring topic here on anything goes. But to make it a bit spicier, today we're gonna be discussing distrust in love, jealousy, trust issues, the not so fun stuff. And so without further ado, I say we should just begin.

我简短地打断一下本期节目，告诉大家本期节目由多芬的新品植物奶洁肤系列赞助播出。

I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Dove's new plant milk cleansing collection.

你知道我有多喜欢

You know how I love

我的小享受，我对在淋浴时呵护肌肤也有同样的感觉。所以我用多芬植物奶系列沐浴露满足肌肤的渴望。采用特殊的植物奶配方，只需一次淋浴就能深层滋润肌肤，让你感觉柔软焕亮。我最喜欢的香味是燕麦奶和焦糖浆果味，但它们的味道都令人难以置信。将你的下一次淋浴变成肌肤应得的小享受吧。

my little treats, and I feel the same way about treating my skin in the shower. So I give my skin what it's craving with Dove's plant milk collection body washes. Made with a special plant milk blend, just one shower deeply hydrates your skin and leaves you feeling soft and glowing. My favorite scent is the oat milk and berry brulee, but they all smell incredible. Turn your next shower into the little treat your skin deserves.

前往Target购买多芬植物奶系列沐浴露，售完即止。现在回到节目。好了，从第一个开始。有人说：我爱上的那个人想要开放式关系，但我不知道我是否会太嫉妒。

Head to Target to buy Dove's Plant Milk Collection body wash before it sells out. Now back to the episode. Alright. Starting with number one. Somebody said, the guy I'm in love with wants an open relationship, but I don't know if I'll be too jealous.

我该怎么办？好吧，我们来分析一下。你的男朋友想要开放式关系，而你显然很犹豫。

What do I do? Alright. Let's break it down. Okay? Your boyfriend wants an open relationship, and you are clearly hesitant.

我说你显然很犹豫，因为你已经考虑到要问我你该怎么办的地步。就像，你知道，生活中的许多决定需要一两个小时的思考。但这显然困扰着你，一直萦绕在你心头，以至于你要问我——一个网上的陌生女士——你该怎么办。好吧？这已经告诉我，这不是你自然感到舒适的事情。

I say that you're clearly hesitant because you're thinking about it to the point where you're asking me what you should do. Like, you know, a lot of decisions in life require an hour or two of thought. This is clearly bothering you, sticking with you to the point where you're asking me, a random lady on the Internet, what you should do. Okay? That already tells me that this is not something that you're naturally comfortable with.

这件事你内心其实并不太认同，对吧？如果这是你天生倾向去做的事，如果它感觉自然且符合你的个性，它根本就不会出现在那个'无所不包'的Instagram账号上。这一点我可以保证。好吧，其实我也不能保证任何事。

This is not something that you have a really good feeling about. Okay? If this was something that you were naturally inclined to do, if it felt organic and authentic to your personality, it would have never made it to the anything goes Instagram account. I can guarantee that. Actually, I can't guarantee anything.

我不是上帝，但我可以合理推测这件事让你感到不安。在我们继续之前，让我说说我对开放式关系的看法。好吧？我必须先说，开放式关系不适合我。我这么说，尽管从未经历过，因为我足够了解自己，知道那不是适合我的浪漫关系结构。

I am not God, but I can reasonably guess that this is not sitting right with you. Now before we go any further, let me tell you my take on open relationships. Okay? I have to start by saying that open relationships don't work for me. And I'm saying that without ever being in one because I know myself enough to know that that is not a romantic structure that would work for me.

对吧？就我个人而言，我知道浪漫、亲密和那种层次的连接对我来说太脆弱了，无法允许另一个人加入这个等式。我知道约会和浪漫这些事对我而言是如此神圣，以至于涉及另一个人会从心理上彻底摧毁这段关系，也会从心理上摧毁我。它不仅会在我的脑海中心理上破坏这段关系，而且在我个人层面，关系之外，也会心理上摧毁我。它会破坏关系，因为我会觉得我与那个人之间的纽带不再只属于我们。

Okay? I know that for me personally, romance, intimacy, connection at that level is far too fragile for me to allow another person into that equation. I know that dating and romance and all these things are so sacred to me that involving somebody else would completely destroy the relationship for me psychologically, and it would destroy me psychologically. It would destroy the relationship in my brain psychologically, but it would also, on a personal level outside of the relationship, destroy me psychologically. It would destroy the relationship because I wouldn't feel like the bond that I have with that person would be ours anymore.

而那是我认为自己无法承受的。你知道吗？我认为一夫一妻制浪漫关系之所以如此特别，部分原因在于它是我与另一个人之间的一种关系，在那一刻，它不同于我与地球上任何其他人的任何其他关系。你知道吗？在某种程度上，这个人是我在试验，可能成为我孩子的父亲。

And that's something I don't think I could handle. You know? I think what makes part of what makes a romantic monogamous relationship so special is that it's a relationship between me and one other person that is unlike any other relationship I have with anyone else on the planet at that given moment. You know? It's somebody who I'm, in some ways, trialing to be potentially, like, the father of my children.

就像，这对我来说是一件严肃的事。它极其深刻和脆弱。如果另一个人以某种浪漫的方式参与其中，至少在我的脑海里，它会打破那种纽带。对吧？它只会毁掉这一切。

Like, it's it's a serious thing to me. It's incredibly deep and vulnerable. And if if another person was involved in it in some way romantically, it would break that bond, at least in my mind. Okay? It just would ruin it for me.

如果那是我的伴侣在一段关系中需要的东西，我将无法做到。但我也认为，处于一段开放式关系中会从心理上毁掉我作为一个个体。我认为，再次强调，在一段一夫一妻制的关系中，是别人和你，但别人牺牲了他们与其他人在一起的能力来选择你。对吧？而这种牺牲对我来说意义重大。

And if that was something that my partner needed in a relationship, I wouldn't be able to do it. But I also think that being in an open relationship would ruin me as as an individual psychologically. I think, again, in a monogamous relationship, somebody else and you, but somebody else is sacrificing their ability to be with other people to choose you. Right? And that sacrifice means a lot to me.

你知道吗？就像，当某人选择在一段一夫一妻制的关系中与我在一起时，那对我来说意义重大。而且我认为，你知道，如果我的伴侣铁了心要搞开放式关系，我想这会让我崩溃，因为我有能力维持一夫一妻制的关系。那才是我想要的，并且我可以完全满足于只和一个人在一起。你知道吗？

You know? Like, when somebody chooses to be with me in a monogamous relationship, that means a lot to me. And I think, you know, if my partner was dead set on being in an open relationship, I think it would fuck with me because I have the capacity to be in a monogamous relationship. That's what I want, and I can be totally satisfied with just one person. You know?

所以我认为这会打击我的自尊心，这未必是件好事。对吧？理想情况下，我们的自尊不应该来自伴侣，而应该来自我们自身——比如我们作为个体的身份、我们的职业道德，以及我们是什么样的人。理想情况下，如果我们品行端正，那自然会提升自尊。它应该源于自我，而非他人。

And so I think it would fuck with my self esteem, which is not necessarily a good thing. Right? Ideally, our self esteem is not coming from our partners, but rather it's coming from our, you know, who we are as individuals and our work ethic and, you know, what type of people we are. Ideally, you know, if we're good people, then, you know, that boosts our self esteem. It should come from ourselves rather than from others.

但我确实了解自己，我认为如果我的伴侣某晚想和别人过夜而不是选择我，这会打击我的自尊。我很现实，我了解自己，我觉得这会让我困扰。我想我会嫉妒，而且...我不知道。

But I do know myself, and I do think if my partner, you know, wanted to go sleep with somebody else that night and didn't choose me, I think that would that would fuck with my self esteem. I'm being realistic. I know myself, and I I think that would bother me. I think I would get jealous. And I think I don't know.

总的来说，想到伴侣与别人在一起的那种动荡感，我觉得这种念头一直萦绕在脑海会让我非常挣扎，导致整体情绪不稳定。这就是为什么我个人不选择开放关系的长篇解释。但我想在继续之前给你这个背景，因为显然我有偏见，对吧？这对我行不通。

I I think just in general, the the turbulence of having my partner be with people that are not me, I think that that sitting in the back of my head at all times would really be challenging for me and would cause overall emotional instability. So that is a long explanation as to why I personally don't choose to be in open relationships. But I wanted to give you that background before I kept going because, you know, I obviously have bias. Right? I it's not something that works for me.

我甚至从未尝试或考虑过，因为我知道它不适合我。不过，我确实有些朋友正处于开放关系或曾尝试过。比如，我认识经历过这种情况的人，我听到的评价褒贬不一。有些人非常喜欢。

It's not something I've ever even tried or considered because I just know it wouldn't work for me. However, I do have some friends that either are in open relationships or have experimented with open relationships. Like, I know people who have experienced this, and I've heard mixed reviews. Okay? Some people love it.

有些人觉得这很棒。你知道？有时会伴随一些紧张和戏剧性，因为我觉得一旦涉及另一个人，自然可能引发一些风波。对吧？但我认识的一些人认为，最终这是值得的。

Some people think it's great. You know? It sometimes comes with a bit of tension and drama because I think naturally when you involve another person, you know, it can it can cause a bit of drama. Right? But there are some people that I know who are like, but, ultimately, it's worth it.

然后我也认识其他尝试过的人，他们的反应是：呃，不行，不适合我。所以我真的认为这取决于你作为个体的本性，以及你在关系中寻求什么。对吧？

And then I know other people who have tried it and been like, ugh. No. Not for me. So I really do think it comes down to who you are as an individual and what you're looking for in a relationship. Right?

就像有些人，我真心认为他们天生适合开放关系。我见过，也和有这种感觉的人聊过。这让我难以理解，因为我是如此相反，如此专一，这就是我喜欢的模式，但它确实存在。

Like, are some people who I genuinely believe are wired for open relationships. I I've seen it. I've I've talked to people who who feel that way. And it's hard for me to comprehend because I'm so the opposite, and I'm so monogamous. And that's so what I like, but it it does exist.

人们确实喜欢它。人们确实在其中找到了价值。我认为这取决于你。好吗？我也认为有些场合。

People do love it. People do find, you know, value in it. And I think it depends on you. Okay? I also think that there's occasions.

现在我不想——这不是我要破坏那些想要开放式关系的人的名声，因为我不认为情况总是如此。我认为有些人天生就真的适合开放式关系，这对他们有效，他们很喜欢。如果他们能找到另一个也喜欢这种方式的人，那就是一个幸福美满的故事。对吧？但我认为有些人害怕承诺，他们想鱼与熊掌兼得。

Now I don't wanna this is not me trying to ruin the reputation of those who wanna be in an open relationship because I don't think that this is always the case. I think some people genuinely are wired to just really love open relationships, and and it it works for them, and they love it. And, you know, if they can find somebody else who loves it, it's it's a happy happy ever after kinda story. Right? But I think there are some people who are afraid of commitment, and they wanna sort of be able to have their cake and eat it too.

对吧？在某些方面，他们想要一种传统的一夫一妻制关系。但另一方面，他们又觉得，但我认为自己还没准备好。所以我宁愿问我的伴侣我们是否可以开放式，这样我基本上就不会感到受束缚或完全承诺。如果对方同意，那完全没问题。

Right? In in some ways, they want a traditional sort of monogamous relationship. But on the other hand, they're like, but I don't think I'm ready yet. So I'd rather just ask my partner if we can be open so that I can basically like, I don't have to feel boxed in or fully committed. Now that's totally fine if the other person is cool with it.

对吧？但我非常保护像我这样不喜欢开放式关系的人，因为我确实觉得有时候，尤其是在Z世代，处于一夫一妻制长期关系中的人可能会受到某种污名化，好像我不知道，也许有时被认为太普通了。就像香草味，你知道，超级传统。

Right? But I'm very protective of people who are like me who do not like open relationships because I do feel like sometimes, especially in, like, Gen Z, there can be sort of a stigma around people who are in monogamous long term relationships where it's like I don't know. Maybe it's considered vanilla at times. It's like vanilla. It's, you know, super traditional.

它不现代。甚至可能被认为是思想封闭。有些人认为不开放就是思想封闭。在我这一代，关于这个话题的讨论比以往任何时候都多。你知道，我认为这种对话声音越来越大，这很好。

It's not modern. It's maybe even closed minded. Some people believe it's closed minded to not be open. There's much more of a discourse around it today in my generation than there probably ever has been before. You know, I think the conversation is getting louder every and that's great.

然而，我保护像我这样不喜欢它、不适合它的人，因为就像它对某些人有效一样，对另一些人无效。如果它对你不适用，你并不普通，你也不思想封闭。它只是不适合你。所以让我们回到被问到的问题。

However, I'm protective of people like me who don't like it, who aren't wired for it because in the same way that it works for some people, it doesn't work for other people. And if it doesn't work for you, you're not vanilla. You're not closed minded. It just doesn't work for you. So let's go back to the question that was asked.

好吗？我爱上的那个男人想要开放式关系，但我不知道我是否会太嫉妒。我该怎么办？你需要弄清楚的是，这是否是你愿意尝试的事情。好吗？

Okay? The guy I'm in love with wants an open relationship, but I don't know if I'll be too jealous. What do I do? What you need to figure out is if this is something that you're willing to try. Okay?

很明显，到目前为止你并不喜欢这个想法。它又一次传到了我这里。所以你肯定在深深地质疑它，并且思考了很多，这意味着答案并不明确。但如果对你来说不是明显的拒绝，那就意味着仍然有一丝可能性，你愿意尝试一下。所以我认为接下来你需要弄清楚的是，你愿意尝试吗？

It's clear to me that you're not loving the idea of it so far. Again, it made its way to me. So you're definitely deeply questioning it, and you're thinking about it a lot, which means the answer is not obvious. But if it's not an obvious no to you, then that means that there is still a little chance that it's something that you'd be willing to potentially try. So I think the next thing you need to figure out is, are you willing to try it?

你愿意为了和伴侣试验这个而承担某种程度的心理不适风险吗？我说承担潜在的心理不适风险，因为对我来说，一个不喜欢开放式关系的人，如果我深爱某人以至于我说，你知道吗？完全没问题。我愿意试试。我们可以尝试开放式关系。

Are you willing to potentially risk some level of psychological discomfort to experiment with this with your partner? And I say risk potential psychological discomfort because for me, somebody who does not like open relationships, if I were to be so in love with somebody that I said, you know what? It's totally fine. I'll try it. We can do an open relationship.

然后一周后，我的伴侣和别人发生关系却不接我的电话，我会很难过。我就是会难过。那会让我感到沮丧。不是因为我占有欲强，不是因为我粘人，不是因为我过度嫉妒或自尊心低，而是因为我天生不适合非一夫一妻制的关系。所以那会让我难过。

And then a week later, my partner is, like, having sex with somebody else and not responding to my calls, I would be upset. I would just be upset. That would be upsetting to me. Not because I'm territorial, not because I'm, like, clingy, not because I'm overly jealous or my self esteem is low, because I am not wired for nonmonogamous relationships. So that would upset me.

你明白吗？所以你需要问自己这个问题。你能接受这可能带来的潜在情感不适吗？如果答案是肯定的，那就试一试。然后听着，你最终可能会爱上它。

You know? So you need to ask yourself that. Are you okay with the potential emotional discomfort that might come with this? Now if the answer is yes, give it a try. And then listen, you might end up loving it.

它最终可能真的适合你。你最终可能会和伴侣建立起良好的沟通，让这成为可能。你们可能会对彼此非常开放。这最终可能变成一件美好的事情。但也可能最终变成一场灾难。

It might end up really working for you. You might end up having, like, a great sort of communication with your partner that allows this to be possible. You might be really open with each other. This might end up being a beautiful thing. It also might end up being a catastrophe.

你会心碎，会悲伤，会分手，会是一场灾难。你不尝试就不知道你会有什么感觉，对吧？所以尝试可能是你的答案，但也可以说，我实际上不能负责任地同意和我的伴侣这样做，因为我知道这将是这段关系的最终毁灭，并且对我个人来说真的是一次挫折，因为我将发现自己处于情感动荡的境地。

And you're heartbroken, and and it's sad, and and you break up, and it's and it's a catastrophe. You won't know until you try how you're gonna feel about it. Right? So giving it a try might be the answer for you, but it's also okay to be like, I actually can't, you know, responsibly agree to this with my partner because I know that it will be the ultimate demise of this relationship and really be a setback for me personally because I'm gonna find myself in an emotionally turbulent sort of place. Right?

任何时候你把自己置于有害的境地，你都在某种程度上让自己倒退，这未必是坏事，但值得考虑。对吧？就像，当你经历分手时，你的前任给你发短信，你会想，妈的。我知道我不能回到这个前任身边，因为我们有一段有毒的关系。你知道，他们真的很回避型。

Anytime you you put yourself into a situation that is harmful, you know, you're setting yourself back in a way it's that's not necessarily a bad thing at all, but it's something to consider. Right? Like, it's it's similar to, like, when you're going through a breakup and your ex texts you, and you're like, fuck. I know I can't go back to this ex because we have a toxic relationship. You know, they're really avoidant.

每次和他们在一起时，我的自尊心就会急剧下降，我们之间真的是一种非常有毒的关系。就像，我不应该回应。但你现在正经历分手的不适，所以你基本上是在选择哪种痛苦更轻一些。你是愿意继续为这段关系的结束而哀悼，但希望很快能变得更强大、更好，没有这个人反而更好？还是愿意通过回应前任、重新打开那扇门来获得一丝兴奋感，但从长远来看，这会让你陷入一种伤害自己的境地，并且这个决定会阻碍你的成长。

And every time I'm with them, you know, my self esteem dips dramatically, and we just have a really toxic relationship. Like, I shouldn't respond. But you're uncomfortable going through this breakup, and so you're basically choosing what pain hurts less. Like, would you rather mourn the loss of the relationship, continue to mourn the loss of the relationship, but hopefully be in a stronger, better place soon, better off without this person? Or would you rather get sort of a boost of excitement by responding to your ex and opening that door again, but long term, putting yourself into a position where you're hurting yourself in a way, and you're gonna be held back by that decision.

因为任何时候你做出某种程度上的倒退决定，都要为此付出代价。这个代价会教会你一些东西吗？绝对会。但代价是必须付出的。在这个情境下，就像是你明知道这会伤害你，但因为太爱他，你就想，去他妈的。

Because anytime you make a decision that's sort of a regression in some way, there's a price to pay for that. Now does that price teach you something? Absolutely. But there's a price to pay. And in this scenario, it's like, if you know that this is gonna hurt you, but because you love him so much, you're like, fuck it.

我就这么做了。我会接受开放式关系。你是在倒退。明白吗？你在走回头路。

I'll just do this. I'll do have an open relationship. You're regressing. You know? You're going backwards.

你是在把自己置于危险之中，你会为此付出代价。现在只有你能做这个决定。只有你。所以我不能告诉你怎么做，因为我不在你的脑子里。但我认为你真的需要认真考虑这件事会如何收场。

You're not you're putting yourself into harm's way, and you will pay a price for that. Now only you can make this decision. Only you can. So I can't tell you what to do because I'm not in your brain. But I think you really need to heavily consider how this is gonna end.

明白吗？把事情从头到尾想清楚。我会说，做出那个结局最好的决定。我知道，对你爱的男人说‘即使那是你想要的，甚至你说你可能需要，但我不想处于一段开放式关系中。我不认为我能为你这样做，但我真的想和你在一起，因为你是我一生的挚爱’，这可能会让人悲伤和害怕。

You know? Think of it all the way through to the end. And I would say make the decision that ends the best. I I know it's potentially sad and scary to say to the man that you love, I don't wanna be in an open relationship even though that's what you want and you've said that you possibly even need. I don't think I can do that for you, but I really wanna be with you because you're the love of my life.

我们该如何解决这个问题？这是一场令人害怕的对话。但我会说，对你的伴侣撒谎说‘是的，这完全可行，我们就这样做吧’甚至更可怕。

How do we figure this out? That's a scary conversation to have. But I I would say it's even scarier to lie to your partner and say, yes. This totally works. Let's do it.

当你实际上并不想的时候却说你想处于开放式关系中，然后最终可能以一种更加混乱的方式分手，并陷入一个本不必如此糟糕的境地。我祝你在这次旅程中好运。这太难了。当你如此深爱一个人，但双方在根本观点上存在分歧时，真的太艰难了。这有点像罗密欧与朱丽叶，你知道，就是我们非常想在一起，但某种程度上又不能。

I wanna be in an open relationship when you actually don't and then to end up breaking up anyway in probably a far more messy way and then be in a in a worse place than you needed to be in. I wish you luck on this journey. It's so tough. It's so tough when you love someone so deeply, but there is a fundamental difference in opinions. It's like Romeo and Juliet in a way, you know, where it's like, we wanna be together so bad, but we kinda can't.

确实就是这样。这很糟糕。所以我祝你好运，并送上我对你们俩的爱。好了，继续下一个话题。

It really is like that. It sucks. So I wish you luck, and I send you both my love. Okay. Moving on.

有人说，我男朋友想要三人行，但我对这个想法感到不舒服。这在长期关系中正常吗？是我对他不够好吗？我们之前已经讨论过很多这方面的问题，但这次的问题略有不同。首先，你男朋友想要三人行，而你对此感到不适。

Somebody said, my boyfriend wants a threesome, and I'm uncomfortable with the thought. Is this normal in long term relationships? Am I not enough for him? We already touched on a lot of this before, but this is a slightly different question. So to start, your boyfriend wants a threesome, and you're not comfortable with a thought.

这种感觉1000%合理。千万不要怀疑这种感受的正当性，好吗？当两个人都愿意尝试三人行时，一切都会很有趣很顺利。那很棒。

That is 1000% valid. Do not for a second even doubt the validity of that feeling. Okay? It's all fun and games when two people are down for a threesome. It's great.

有时候一切都会很顺利，通常是这样。多么美好的事情啊。然而，当一个人想要三人行而另一个人不想时，情况可能很快就会变得非常混乱，对吧？而且，就像我之前提到的，我觉得如今年轻一代中有种 discourse（讨论氛围），我不知道该怎么说。

Everything works smoothly sometimes, usually. Like, what a beautiful thing. However, it it can get really messy really quick when one person wants a threesome and and the other person doesn't. Right? And, again, like I mentioned earlier, I feel like there's this discourse in in Gen Z nowadays that's I don't know.

我认为，处于长期的一夫一妻制关系中可能被认为是平淡、传统、无聊、老派，等等，这取决于听众。我讨厌这种看法。我真的讨厌。如果你想要开放关系，如果你想在你们的关系中尝试三人行，那太棒了。尽管去做吧。

I I think being in a long term monogamous relationship can be considered vanilla, traditional, boring, old fashioned, whatever, depending on the audience. I hate that. I really hate that. If you want to be open, if you want to have a threesome in your relationship, that's amazing. Go fucking do that.

如果那让你感到舒适，就去做。但就像我之前说的，如果你想保持一夫一妻制的关系，那也完全没有问题。我之所以更倾向于为一夫一妻制的关系辩护，是因为我觉得这种约会模式或许……我不知道，取决于听众，如今它受到更多批评。你明白吗？

If that feels comfortable for you, go do that. But as I said earlier, if you wanna be in a monogamous relationship, there's nothing wrong with that either. And I'm being more defensive of the monogamous sort of relationship because I think that that's the dating genre that's perhaps I don't know. It's depending on the audience, it's more critiqued nowadays. You know?

我会说这种批评是不对的。比如，谁在乎别人在性方面、浪漫方面做什么呢？这个话题有点触发到我了。我好像在 rant（ ranting，发泄情绪）。好了。

I would say wrongfully. Like, who cares what other people do sexually, romantically? I'm getting kind of triggered by this topic. I'm, like, ranting. Okay.

总之，总结一下这个观点，想到三人行感到不舒服是完全没问题的。这一点问题都没有。我真的希望你不要让任何人说服你接受。现在问题的下一部分是，在长期关系中，男朋友想要三人行是正常的吗？我认为这实际上可能某种程度上是正常的，尤其是现在三人行和开放式关系变得更加普遍的时代。

Anyway, so to wrap up this thought, there is nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable by the thought of a threesome. There is nothing wrong with that. And I really hope that you don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Now the next part of this question, is it normal in a long term relationship for, say, a boyfriend to want a threesome? I would say it actually probably is somewhat normal, especially nowadays when threesomes and open relationships are much more common.

我认为在长期关系中，男生觉得'哦，增加点情趣，让另一个人加入卧室会很有趣'绝对不是不正常的。我不觉得这有什么特别奇怪甚至错误的地方，对吧？我认为这绝对是很常见的事情。而且我觉得这可能长期以来一直都是常见现象。

I think in a long term relationship, it is definitely not abnormal for a boy to be like, oh, it'd be fun to spice things up and add another person into the bedroom. Like, I don't think there's anything particularly weird or even wrong about that. Right? I think it is definitely a common thing. And I think it's probably been a common thing for a long time.

但是，你知道，比如说一百年前，这绝对是禁忌。对吧？那时没有社会可接受的三人行发生。我认为现在尤其是年轻人会觉得，如果我有什么性欲望，我就会分享出来，因为我们生活在一个非常包容的时代。所以我认为这是正常的。

But, you know, say a hundred years ago, that was definitely taboo. You know? There were no threesomes happening in a socially acceptable way. I think now young people especially are like, if I have a sort of sexual desire, I'm just gonna share it because we're we live in a very accepting time. And so I think it is normal.

然而，这并不意味着你必须接受它。仅仅因为这是正常的，并不意味着它适合你和你的关系。这个问题的最后部分是：我对他来说不够好吗？这就是他想要三人行的原因吗？我的意思是，我无法读懂你男朋友的心思。

However, that doesn't mean that you have to be okay with it. Just because it's normal doesn't mean that it makes sense for you and your relationship. And the last part of this question was, am I not enough for him? Is that why he wants a threesome? I mean, I can't read your boyfriend's mind.

听着，我真希望我能读懂。实际上，我很高兴我不能读心。这不是我想要的超能力。我喜欢不知道别人在想什么。

And listen. I wish I could. Actually, I'm glad I can't read minds. That's not a superpower that I want. I like not knowing what people are thinking.

这其实是一种解脱。我认为你男朋友想要三人行可能有几个原因。好吧？潜在原因第一：也许他的朋友们都在玩三人行，他从朋友那里或者甚至从网上听说三人行真的很有趣、很刺激，是一种氛围，每个人都应该尝试。

It's kind of a relief. I think there are a few reasons why your boyfriend might want a threesome. Okay? Potential reason number one. Because maybe his friends are having threesomes, and he heard, you know, from from his friends or maybe even from people on the Internet that threesomes are really fun and really hot, and it's a vibe, and everyone should try it.

就像，也许是以某种方式被推荐给他的。这是潜在的第二个可能性：也许他对你们俩的性生活感到有些缺乏刺激，不是因为你不够好，也不是因为他不爱你，而是可能他是个看很多动态色情内容的人。他可能觉得缺乏情趣，也许认为引入另一个人会让事情变得更有趣。

Like, maybe it got recommended to him in some way. That's a potential potential option number two. Maybe he's feeling a bit understimulated by your guys' sex life, not because you're not incredible or not because he doesn't love you, but maybe he's somebody who watches a lot of dynamic porn. And he's maybe feeling like there's not enough spice. And maybe he thinks bringing another person in would spice things up.

这并不意味着你不够出色。这可能只是他个人的性探索旅程。谁知道呢？也许他只是需要大量刺激。再说一次，这样对吗？

That doesn't mean you're not awesome. It might just be his own personal journey, like, sexually. Maybe he's like who knows? Like, maybe he just needs a lot of stimulation. Again, is that right?

如果这不是你想做的事，这样对你就公平吗？不。我提出这些可能的情景，对他没有任何偏袒或偏见。明白吗？这些都是完全中立的。

Is does that make it fair to you if it's not something that you wanna do? No. I'm proposing these potential scenarios with no bias towards him or against him. Okay? These are completely neutral.

我只是在陈述可能的解释，比如他可能的原因。第三种可能是他可能对这段关系有些厌倦了。也许他有点临阵退缩。这是有可能的。他可能在想，好吧。

I'm just stating what it could possibly be, like, what his reason could be. A third option could be that maybe he is feeling a bit bored of the relationship. Maybe he is kinda getting a bit of cold feet. This is possible. And maybe he thinks, okay.

通过引入另一个人来挽救这段关系。这也是种可能性。但他为什么想这么做其实并不重要。重要的是你不想。你不想这样做。

I could save this relationship by bringing someone else in. That's also a possibility. But it doesn't really matter why he wants to do this. What matters right now is that you don't. You don't wanna do it.

明白吗？现在回答你的问题：我对他不够好吗？不管他是对关系感到厌倦，还是只是看了疯狂色情片想在现实生活里体验，都不重要。明白吗？无论他处于哪种极端情况都不重要。

Okay? Now to answer your question, am I not enough for him? It doesn't matter if he's getting bored of the relationship or if he just watches crazy porn and, like, wants to live it in real life. Okay? It doesn't matter what extreme he's on.

你作为一个人已经足够好了。明白吗？我绝不容忍这种想法。他想玩三人行与你作为人类的价值毫无关系。你是非常了不起的。

You are enough as a person. Okay? I won't have any of this. Him wanting to have a threesome has nothing to do with the value that you bring as a human being. You are incredible.

你已经足够好了。这个星球上有很多人会渴望与你在一起，而不会要求你玩三人行。对吧？这归根结底是他个人的性欲望问题。明白吗？

You are enough. And there are many people on this planet that would love to be with you and wouldn't be asking you for a threesome. Right? This comes down to his sexual desires as an individual. Okay?

另外我觉得大多数年轻男性都会想尝试三人行，但我认为很多男生只是不敢开口问。就像，我觉得大多数男生都会想——你在开玩笑吗？当然想啊。你懂我意思吗？我敢说我约会过的每个男人在和我在一起时都想过三人行，但他们都知道我偏好一夫一妻制的关系，所以他们甚至从没问过，因为早就知道答案会是否定的。

And the other thing is I think most young men would love to have a threesome, but I think a lot of guys are just too scared to ask. Like, I think most guys are you kidding me? Of course. Do you know what I mean? Like, I bet every guy I've ever dated has wanted to have a threesome while they were with me, but they all knew that I prefer monogamous relationships, and so they never even asked because they already knew the answer would be no.

对吧？我觉得大多数男生都会渴望三人行。所以不，我认为这和你没关系。我觉得你男朋友可能只是觉得，嗯，她挺随和的，也许她会想试试。

Right? Like, I think most guys would love to have a threesome. So, no, I don't think it has anything to do with you. I think your boyfriend just might be like, well, she's chill. Maybe she'll wanna try.

你明白吗？谁在乎你对他是否足够？你本身就已经足够美好了。好吗？你已经足够好了。

You know? Who cares about if you're enough for him? You're enough in general. Okay? You're enough.

根本不用在意。不要让他对三人行的渴望动摇你的自尊。你很棒。你知道的。别让他通过要求三人行来破坏这一点。

Who cares about no. Don't let him, in his desire for a threesome, rattle your self esteem. You're awesome. You know that. And don't let him get in the way of that by asking for a threesome.

好吗？那么说了这么多，你现在该怎么办？好吧？你男朋友想要三人行，而你不想。好了。

Okay? So with all that being said, what are you to do now? Okay? Your boyfriend wants to have a threesome, and you don't. Alright.

是时候和他坐下来好好谈谈了。坐下来对他说：听着，我爱你，我想和你在一起。但第一，我真的不想尝试三人行。

Time to sit him down. Time to sit him down and say, listen. I love you. I wanna be with you. But number one, I really don't wanna have a threesome.

这对我来说行不通。我就是不喜欢这个想法。它让我感到不舒服，而且这不会发生。第二，你要求三人行让我有点缺乏安全感，因为我不明白你为什么觉得你需要这个。你知道吗？

That's just not gonna work for me. I just don't like the thought of it. It makes me uncomfortable, and it's not gonna happen. Number two, you asking for a threesome has made me a bit insecure because I don't understand why you you feel that you need that. You know?

我们经常做爱，我们正在交往。我理解可能会因为在一起时间长了而变得有点例行公事，但是，你知道，你从我这里得不到什么，想要从第三个人那里得到？希望通过这次谈话，你能得出一个美好的结论。也许你男朋友会说，好吧。

We have sex all the time. We're dating. I get that it might get a bit routine because we've been together for a long time, but, you know, what what are you not getting from me that you wanna get from a third person? And through this conversation, hopefully, you can come to a beautiful conclusion. Perhaps your boyfriend will say, okay.

没问题，宝贝。我们不会三人行，也许我们可以试试别的，比如性感的小服装。你知道吗？就像，去他的。也许你们只是需要以不同的方式增添情趣。

No problem, babe. We won't have a threesome, and maybe we'll just try something else, like little sexy outfits. You know? Like, fuck it. Maybe you guys just need to spice it up in a different way.

这完全正常，就像，陷入某种常规，就像关系中的性爱常规，每次都是同样的套路。这完全正常。而且有时确实会有点无聊。你知道吗？就像，在一段长期关系中，你需要付出努力来保持事情有趣，这完全正常。

That's totally normal to, like, get into a sort of routine, like a sex routine in a relationship where you just kinda hit the same beats every single time. That's totally normal. And that does get somewhat boring at times. You know? Like, in a long term relationship, you gotta put the work in to keep things interesting, and that's totally normal.

所以也许这只是个信号，表明你们需要，我不知道。就像，也许你需要给你男朋友穿上小小的医生服装，比如露臀皮裤。也许那真的能解决一切。然后你可以穿上小护士服，你们可以玩医疗角色扮演。我发誓这会改变一切。

And so maybe this is just a sign that you guys need to I don't know. Like, maybe you need to dress your boyfriend up in a little in a little doctor outfit where he's, like, assless chaps. Maybe that will really fix everything. And then you can dress up in a little nurse outfit, and you and you guys can do, like, medical role play. I swear this will change everything.

这会解决一切。不。但你明白我的意思。你知道，在厨房里做爱之类的。说实话，那样，我不知道那会不会有趣，但要找出一种让你们俩都感到舒适的方式来增添情趣。

This will fix everything. No. But you get what I'm saying. You know, have sex in your kitchen or something. Like that, honestly, not like, I don't know that that would be fun, but figure out how to spice it up in a way that makes you both feel comfortable.

我短暂暂停了这一集，告诉你这一集是由eBay赞助的。我们都有那样一件单品。你知道的。那件非常代表你的东西。你基本上已经因为它而出名了。

I briefly paused this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by eBay. We all have that piece. You know the one. The thing that's so you. You've basically become known for it.

如果你还没有你的那一件，你会在eBay上找到它。让我告诉你们，朋友们。eBay是你能找到那些独一无二、让人忍不住反复研究、熬夜梦想的单品的地方。我说的是那件Miu Miu秀场红色皮夹克，那件印着牛仔的Cousteau Barcelona上衣，或者那件2017年配色的抓绒衣。所有这些发现都在eBay上。

And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay. Let me put you on, people. EBay is where you'll find those one of a kind, can't stop researching, stay up dreaming about pieces again and again. I'm talking about that Miu Miu off the runway red leather bomber, that Cousteau Barcelona top with the cowboy on it, or that fleece in the 2017 colorway. All of these finds are on eBay.

他们甚至提供数百万件带有正品保证的主角单品。eBay是二手复古时尚的聚集地。eBay，人们喜爱之物。现在让我们回到节目。好吧。

They even offer millions of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee. EBay is the place for pre loved in vintage fashion. EBay, things people love. Now let's get back to the episode. Alright.

继续。有人说，我男朋友连续三个周末都玩到凌晨5点回家，期间毫无联系，这让我非常难过。我该怎么办？好吧。是的。

Moving on. Somebody said, my boyfriend has gone out three weekends in a row until 5AM with zero communication, and it makes me feel so sad. What do I do? Okay. Yeah.

你感到难过。你当然会难过。这太糟糕了。在一段关系中这样一点都不好玩。明白吗？

You feel sad. Of course you feel sad. That sucks. That is not fun in a relationship. Okay?

所以你的悲伤情绪1000%合理。当我们爱一个人时，我们会允许他们做出多么离谱的事情。就像我回顾过去的恋情时，对自己曾经容忍的破事感到震惊。震惊。我简直不敢相信，但那是因为我爱他们——或者我以为我爱他们。

So your feelings of sadness are 1000% valid. It's it's wild what we allow people to do when we love them. Like, when I look back at past relationships, I'm dumbfounded at the shit that I allowed. Dumbfounded. I I can't believe it, but it's because I love them or I thought I did.

这取决于具体关系。但我爱过他们（或自以为爱过），我为他们找借口，让他们为所欲为、开心快活，却把我丢在一边吃灰。明白吗？这太糟了。说实话，有些人可能觉得极端，但对我来说这足以构成分手理由。

And it depends on the relationship. But I I loved them or I thought I did, and I I made excuses for them so that they could do whatever they want and be happy, leaving me in the fucking dust. Okay? This sucks. And to be honest, like, some people might think this is extreme, but to me, this is grounds for breaking up.

比如，如果我现在谈恋爱——以我现在的性格——如果我男朋友突然开始每个周末都毫无联系地玩到凌晨5点，我会立刻和他分手。这就是我的做法。明白吗？这对我完全是不可接受的底线。但我的建议不是立即分手，因为我不清楚具体状况。

Like, I if my boyfriend like, if I were in a relationship right now, who I am today, okay, if I were in a relationship right now and all of a sudden my boyfriend started going out until 5AM every weekend with no communication, I would break up with him immediately. That's what I would do. Okay? That is a complete deal breaker for me. However, my advice is not to immediately break up because I don't know what's happening.

对吧？所以我不能心安理得地劝你直接分手。但说实话...他现在听起来可不怎么样。懂吗？他听起来像个彻头彻尾的烂男友。

Right? So I can't, in good faith, tell you to just break up with your boyfriend. However, he's not I don't like the sound of him right now. K? He sounds like a really bad fucking boyfriend.

你需要进行一次对话。你得让他坐在光天化日之下好好谈谈。抱歉，我一直在说脏话。我得停止骂人了。

You need to have a conversation. You need to sit him down in the fucking daylight. Sorry. I keep saying the f word. I need to stop cussing.

你需要让他坐在光天化日之下，然后问：到底怎么回事？每个周末我都感觉被完全忽视了。你出去玩到凌晨5点，也不跟我交流。而周末是全世界休息的日子。

You need to sit him down in the daylight and say, what's going on? I feel completely neglected every single weekend. You're going out until 5AM. You're not talking to me. And the weekends are the world's day off.

我们都不用工作。我想和你一起玩，想和你共度时光。这是周末，是庆祝和享受快乐的时候。

We're all not working. I wanna hang out with you. I wanna spend time with you. It's the weekend. It's time to celebrate and have fun.

而你却出去玩到凌晨5点，完全忽视我。这不是我，也不是任何人眼中有趣、健康的关系应有的样子，明白吗？一段有趣健康的关系应该包括周末共度时光，即使不在一起，也应该在各自的道路上保持沟通。

And you're going out until 5AM and completely neglecting me. This is not my idea or really anyone's idea of a fun, healthy relationship. Okay? A fun, healthy relationship would consist of spending time together on the weekends. But if not spending time together, communicating on our separate ways.

你知道吗？这样就是不公平。这让人焦虑，感觉糟透了。真的很糟糕，太难受了。

You know? It's just not it it's just not fair. It's anxiety inducing, and it feels like shit. It feels shitty. It sucks.

而且，除非你男朋友能给出某种奇迹般的借口——说实话我都不知道他能说什么——我不知道他能说出什么让这件事值得原谅的话。我讨厌这种破事，我真的很讨厌。我不知道他能说什么。

And, I mean, unless your boyfriend gives some sort of miraculous excuse I don't even know what he could say, to be honest. I don't know what he could say that could make this forgivable. Like, I hate this shit. I I hate it. I don't know what he could say.

我觉得唯一可能让这件事值得原谅的话，就是他变得超级脆弱，然后说：听着，我要对你诚实。我所有的朋友都是单身，只有我一个人在恋爱。最近，我在朋友圈里感觉真的很被排斥。

I think the only thing he could say that could possibly make it forgivable would be if he just got super vulnerable, and he was like, listen. I'm gonna be honest with you. All of my friends are single. I'm the only one in a relationship. And recently, I've been feeling really excluded in my friend group.

就是，我觉得我无法和他们真正连接，因为他们都是单身。而我正在恋爱中。我真的只想确保能维持和这些朋友的友谊。所以，你知道，我某种程度上得迁就他们的节奏，他们每个周末都出去玩。而我，你知道，我想和他们共度时光，而这就是他们常做的活动。

Like, I just don't feel like I can connect with them because they all are single. I'm in a relationship. And I really just wanna make sure I maintain that friendship with those friends. And so, you know, I kinda have to meet them on their level, and they're going out every weekend. And, you know, like, I I wanna spend time with them, and this is the sort of activity that they do.

所以我就这样和他们混在一起。你知道吗？但如果他接着说，我不知道你有这种感觉。如果我知道，我就不会那么做了。我能做些什么让你感觉更舒服？

So here I am hanging out with them. You know? But I and then if he also followed that up with, I didn't know you were feeling this way. If I knew that, I would have not done it. How can I what do you want me to do to make you feel more comfortable?

你知道吗？我们怎么能找到一个折中的办法？如果他原话这么说，好吧。也许我们会考虑原谅他。但真的，任何其他回应都不行。

You know? How can we find a happy medium? If he says that literally verbatim, okay. Maybe we'll consider forgiving him. But, really, any other response won't do.

比如，如果他说，宝贝，我只是想和我他妈的哥们出去。这有什么问题？你为什么这么粘人？分手。分手。

Like, if he's like, babe, like, I just wanna go out with my fucking friends. Like, what's wrong with that? Like, why are you being clingy? Break up. Break up.

分手。如果他说，我，那个，要睡觉了。我我就是，那个，去睡了。分手。分手。

Break up. If he's like, I'm, like, going to bed. Like, I I just, like, went to bed. Break up. Break up.

任何形式的防御、任何形式的撒谎，分手。但如果他变得非常脆弱，并且这与他的朋友或什么有关，他正在努力，比如，平衡有你作为女朋友，同时又要维持和他那些朋友的友谊，我理解这有时可能很难，有时候你不得不，我不知道。比如，有时你得玩到凌晨5点来陪某些朋友。所以，我懂，但他也需要通过更好沟通或也许邀请你来确保你对这一切感到舒服。我不知道。

Any sort of defensiveness, any sort of lying, break up. But if he gets really vulnerable and it has to do with his friends or something and he's, like, trying to, like, balance having you as a girlfriend, but also have you know, maintain these friendships with his friends, I get that that can be tough sometimes, and sometimes you have to sort of I don't know. Like, you have to go out until 5AM sometimes to hang out with certain friends. So, like, I get it, but he also needs to make sure that you feel comfortable with this either by communicating better or by inviting you perhaps. I don't know.

但另一方面，这种行为本身就很可疑。比如，我不知道。我喜欢给人疑罪从无的好处，直到他承认做错了什么或者你发现什么，比如，在他的...我不知道。比如，如果他的手机在充电而他不在房间时，突然弹出一条短信，是一个女孩发来的，写着：今晚干嘛呢，宝贝？那，嗯，就是这样。

But the other thing is, like, this is suspicious behavior anyway. Like, I don't know. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, like innocent until proven guilty until he admits to doing something wrong or you find something, like, in his I don't know. Like, if a a text pops up on his phone when it's charging and he's not in the room and you look over and it's from a girl saying, what are you doing tonight, baby? Like, yeah.

好吧。那我们有理由怀疑了。我尽量不先入为主，秉持无罪推定原则，但这次的行为确实很可疑。所以你也可以这样说：老实说，我觉得你在欺骗我，或者你在找别人来背叛我。

Okay. Then we have grounds to be suspicious. I try to not again, like, innocent until proven guilty, but this is definitely suspicious behavior. So you can also say that. Like, to be honest, I I think you're cheating on me, or I think you're trying to find somebody to cheat on me with.

这种感觉就是很可疑。你也可以这么说。不管怎样，你们需要谈一谈。至于是否要当面质问他可能出轨的事，我觉得没那么必要。我猜他的回答很可能会糟糕到让你发现——甚至在确认他是否出轨之前——你们就应该分手，因为这种行为根本不配当男朋友。

Like, this just feels suspicious. You can say that as well. Either way, you need to have a conversation. Whether or not you wanna confront him on the potential cheating, I don't think that's as mandatory. I think his answer there's a really strong chance that his answer is gonna be so bad that you'll discover that you should probably break up even before you find out whether or not he's cheating just because that's not boyfriend material.

男朋友应该把你视若珍宝，觉得你很重要，把你放在他们生活的优先位置。如果他连续三个周末凌晨5点出门，他的行为显然不是这样。我可以向你保证，世界上有的是会让你感到被重视的男生。这种感情是真实存在的。你没经历过时觉得不可能，但一旦体验过就会惊叹：哇，原来还可以这样。

Boyfriends should be treating you like you're precious, like you're valuable, like you're a priority in their lives. And if they're going out three weekends in a row at 5AM, they don't that's not the way that they're acting. And I can promise you that there are guys out there that would make you feel like a priority. It does exist. You don't think it does until you experience it, and then you're like, oh, woah.

这样的感情可能吗？完全可能。所以你不需要再忍受现在这种情况了。但给他一个沟通的机会，除非他能给出奇迹般的解释，否则就分手吧。

This is possible? It is possible. So you don't need to put up with this anymore. But give him a little chance, communicate. And then unless he has a miracle explanation, break up.

这是我的观点。好了，继续下一个。有人说：我一直深受感情焦虑困扰，总担心他会离开我。

That's my opinion. Okay. Moving on. Next. Somebody said, I've been dealing with a lot of relationship anxiety, and I'm worried that he will leave.

求助。就我至今的人生经历而言，每次当我出现无法摆脱的感情焦虑时，这种焦虑都是确有依据的。听着，我曾经有几年存在信任问题，因为...

Help. In my life thus far, every time that I've had relationship anxiety and it's been impossible to shake, it's been valid. It's been valid. Listen. I had a few years of trust issues because I don't know.

这么说吧，我早年的一些恋爱经历搞得我心态有点乱，留下了一些信任阴影，这些阴影困扰了我好几年。但有意思的是，其中一段恋情里我自始至终都怀着严重的信任问题和感情焦虑，当时我把这归咎于我的初恋，认为是那段感情残留的影响。

I just like, I had some sort of I had a few experiences in my life early on with dating that kind of fucked with my head and gave me a bit of trust issues, and those stuck around for a few years. But I actually it's interesting. One of the relationships I was in, I had horrible trust issues and relationship anxiety the entire relationship, and I blamed it on my first relationship. I blamed it on the residue from that first relationship. I was like, ugh.

你知道吗？这个人对我真的很好，他实际上对我非常好。我觉得我没什么可担心的，但不知为何，我还是有严重的关系焦虑，所以我把它归咎于信任问题。

You know? Like, this guy's so sweet to me. He's actually really good to me. Like, I don't think I have anything to worry about. But I still, for some reason, had a horrible relationship anxiety, and so I blamed it on the trust issues.

多年后回看那段关系，我意识到，等等。那并不是第一段关系残留的信任问题。我确实有理由产生信任问题和关系焦虑，因为我当时约会的那个人极度回避型。你知道吗？他们从没有表现出出轨之类的迹象，但他们是回避型的。

Now years later, looking back at that relationship, I realized, wait a minute. That wasn't residual trust issues from that first relationship. I genuinely had grounds to have trust issues and to have relationship anxiety because that particular person that I dated was incredibly avoidant. You know? Like, they never showed any signs of, like, cheating or anything like that, but they were avoidant.

你知道吗？他们没有100%对我敞开心扉，也没有100%全身心投入。总是感觉他们一只脚在门内一只脚在门外。但这很棘手，因为他们很多时候确实很友善，甚至有时很体贴，但始终保持着若即若离的状态。我能感觉到一种不稳定性。

You know? And they weren't 100% vulnerable with me, and they weren't 100% present with me. And they were always kinda it always kinda felt like they had one foot in and one foot out. But it was tricky because they were also, you know, really kind a lot of the times and and really could even be really thoughtful at times, but also had one foot in, one foot out. I could feel I felt, like, in instability.

我当时说服自己说是信任问题导致了我的关系焦虑。但回想起来，我意识到不是这样。这个人没有让我在关系中感到安全，因为他们不够脆弱，不够开放，甚至自己都没有准备好进入一段关系。

And I convinced myself that it was the trust issues giving me that relationship anxiety. But in retrospect, I realized, no. This person didn't make me feel safe in the relationship because they weren't vulnerable enough. They weren't open enough. They weren't comfortable enough with themselves to even be in a relationship.

所以他们的沟通非常稀疏，真是一团糟。再次说明，即使对方没有做错任何事，但如果他们的人生阶段无法完全投入关系，你仍然会产生关系焦虑。那种对方没有全身心投入的感觉会无缘无故地让你产生关系焦虑，看似没有理由，但其实是因为他们没有100%承诺，没有给你安全感。

So they were really sort of sparse with communication and really it was a mess. And so, again, like, you can get relationship anxiety in a relationship with somebody who isn't doing anything wrong, but is not in a place in their lives that they can be fully present in a relationship. And that feeling of somebody not being present can give you relationship anxiety for no reason, for seemingly no reason. But it's because they're not 100% committed. They don't make you feel safe.

他们没有让你感受到深爱，没有让你觉得他们会不离不弃。你感觉不到那种稳定，而我敢保证，你是可以找到那种稳定的。所以很可能你产生关系焦虑的原因是你约会的对象在情感上还没有准备好进入一段关系。他们要么是严重回避型——让我们查一下回避型的定义：回避型依恋是一种不安全依恋风格，个体对情感亲密感到不适，优先考虑独立性。

They don't make you feel like they deeply love you and they would be there for you, you know, through thick and thin. You don't feel that stability, and I can guarantee you, you can find that stability. So there's a really good chance that the reason why you're having relationship anxiety is because the person that you're dating is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. And they're either severely avoidant, which means let's look up the definition of avoidant. Avoidant attachment is an insecure attachment style where individuals feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and prioritize independence.

这可能源于童年时期照顾者对孩子的需求缺乏持续或敏感的回应，导致成年后难以建立亲密关系和信任他人。很可能你不断面对伴侣若即若离的行为，这让你感到困惑，因为他们爱你、想和你在一起，但同时又似乎在疏远，却又没有提出分手。这是一种令人困惑的状态。

It can develop in childhood due to a lack of consistent or sensitive responses to a child's needs from caregivers. This leads to difficulties forming close relationships and trusting others as adults. There's a chance that you're constantly dealing with your partner sort of pulling away, And it doesn't really make any sense to you because they love you and they wanna be with you, but then they're also simultaneously sort of pulling away. But yet they're not, like, breaking up with you. It's this confusing sort of thing.

我经历过这种情况。很有可能你现在正在经历的就是这个。所以我认为发现这种关系焦虑的根源是第一步。好吗？我描述的是否符合你的情况——你的伴侣有点回避这个问题？

I've experienced this. There's a good chance that that's what you're experiencing. And so I think discovering the root of this relationship anxiety is the first step. Okay? Is it what I'm describing that your partner sort of avoid it?

即使他们没有出轨，或者你知道他们没有做错任何事，但总感觉有些不对劲，而且一直如此。很可能就是这样。你可能还因为认为伴侣对你不忠而陷入关系焦虑。也许他们在欺骗你，甚至只是情感上的出轨。谁知道呢？

Even though they're not cheating or they're not like, you know that they're not doing anything wrong, but something still feels kind of off, and it always has. That's probably what it is. You also might be dealing with relationship anxiety because you think that your partner isn't being loyal to you. Perhaps they're cheating on you or even just emotionally cheating on you. Like, who knows?

你可能会有这种感觉。你可能对此有直觉，因为也许你注意到他在派对上和某人调情。当你质问他时，他却说：没有，没有，没有。

You might be feeling that. You might have a gut feeling about that because maybe you noticed him sort of flirting with somebody at a party. And when you confronted him on it, he was like, no. No. No.

没有，没有。什么？没有。那是我的朋友。

No. No. What? No. That's my friend.

所以，不要怀疑你的关系焦虑。好吗？有时候我们自己制造关系焦虑，因为我们有信任问题，或者因为我们属于焦虑型依恋。我们有焦虑型依恋风格，会非理性地认为伴侣会离开之类的。但我觉得更多时候，我们在关系中不相信自己的直觉。

Like, don't doubt your relationship anxiety. Okay? There are occasions when we create relationship anxiety ourselves because we have trust issues or because we're anxiously attached. We have an anxious attachment style, and we just irrationally think that, you know, our partner's gonna leave or whatever. But I think more often than not, we don't trust our gut in relationships.

我们说服自己是别的原因，因为我们不想面对创伤。懂吗？我们不想面对冲突。我们不想可能面临分手。所以我们宁愿责怪自己，而不是真正深入审视这段关系，找出问题所在。

We convince ourselves that it's something else because we don't want trauma. You know? We don't want confrontation. We don't want potentially a breakup. So we'd rather blame ourselves than, you know, really look deep into the relationship and figure out what the problem is.

所以我强烈建议你分析你的关系，分析你自己，找出这种关系焦虑的根源。因为只有这样做，你才能解决它。懂吗？你无法化解它。你可能会发现它只是根植于你自身，你有过去的信任问题，或者你是焦虑型依恋。

So I really strongly encourage you to analyze your relationship, analyze yourself, and figure out the source of this relationship anxiety. Because until you do that, you can't solve it. You know? You can't resolve it. You might discover that it's just rooted in you, and you have trust issues from the past or you're anxiously attached.

所以，你知道，你有点不理智了，然后你可以从那里开始。或者你可能会发现，你伴侣的行为导致了你有这种感觉。那么你需要和你的伴侣谈一谈如何解决这个问题，因为这绝对是个问题。有人说，我非常爱我的男朋友，但最近，他显得不感兴趣，好像在疏远我。我很害怕。

And so, you know, you're being a bit irrational, and then you can go from there. Or you might discover that your significant other's behavior is leading you to this feeling. Then you need to have a conversation with your partner about how to resolve this issue because this is definitely an issue. Somebody said, I love my boyfriend so much, but recently, he feels uninterested and like he's pulling away. I'm scared.

我该怎么办？立即对峙。马上对峙。让那个男孩坐下来，问问他，怎么回事？你在疏远我。

What do I do? Immediate confrontation. Confrontation immediately. Sit that boy down and say, what's going on? You're pulling away.

我感觉到了。怎么回事？我无法告诉你，呃，我浪费了多少他妈的生命在这种炼狱般的状态里，我感觉我的男朋友在疏远我，但他还没说什么。比如，他并不是想和我分手之类的。但是，等等。

I feel it. What's going on? I can't tell you, ugh, how many fucking months of my life I've wasted in this sort of purgatory where I'm like, I feel like my boyfriend's pulling away, but he hasn't said anything yet. Like, he's not, like, trying to break up with me or anything. But also, like, wait.

他是不是刚在Instagram上关注了一个有点火辣的女生，然后，等等。发生了什么？我经历过。我经历过。如果我能回到过去，实际上，我不会那么说。

Did he just follow a girl on Instagram that's, like, kinda hot and, like, wait. What's happening? Like, I've been there. I've been there. And if I could go back in time actually, I'm not gonna say it like that.

如果我现在处于那种情况，感觉，你知道，怀疑我的男朋友在疏远我，并开始看到某些迹象，你知道，而不是找借口，如果我现在处于那种情况，我会立即对峙，一感觉到任何不对劲就立即对峙。如果我感觉到哪怕一丁点的疏远，我会立即对峙。这就是我下次会做的事。因为我无法告诉你，我浪费了多少个月又多少个月的生命，试图读懂字里行间的意思，试图弄清楚一个男朋友是否想和我分手，你知道，开始调查，自己做调查，把自己逼疯。那是我生命中最糟糕的一些月份。

If I were to be put in that situation now, feeling, you know, suspicious that my boyfriend's pulling away and starting to see certain signs, you know, instead of making excuses, if I were to be in that situation now, I would confront immediately, immediately upon feeling anything. If I felt the tiniest bit of pulling away, I'd confront immediately. That's what I would do next time. Because I can't tell you the months and months and months of my life I have wasted trying to read between the lines, trying to figure out if a boyfriend has wanted to break up with me, you know, starting to investigate, doing my own investigating and driving myself nuts. It's some of the worst months of my life.

当我回顾那些月份时，真是太痛苦了。太痛苦了。拜托，为了我，也为了你自己，省省这份痛苦吧。进行那次对话。反正你迟早都得谈。

Like when I look back at those months, it was miserable. It was so miserable. Please, for me, save yourself the grief. Have the conversation. You're gonna have to have it anyway.

让他坐下来。我对这个很有感触，因为我经历过，而且真的太残酷了。我没有——我等了太久才进行那次对话，我折磨了自己。让他坐下来，问他怎么回事。然后倾听。

Sit him down. I'm passionate about this one because I I've experienced this, and it was just so brutal. And I didn't I waited too long to have the conversation, and I tortured myself. Sit him down and ask him what's going on. And listen.

一开始他很可能会害怕。他不会想告诉你真相。但你需要得到一个答案，好吗？你需要某种回应。

There's a chance that he's gonna be too scared at first. He's not gonna wanna tell you the truth. You need to get an answer. Okay? You need some sort of answer.

他的答案可能是：不，我没有疏远你，只是工作压力大。好吧，至少这是个明确的回答。

His answer might be, no. I'm not pulling away from you. I'm just struggling with work. Okay. At least that's an answer.

你需要一个答案。不要让对方说“没事，你在说什么？”——那是一种情感操控。

You need an answer. Don't let them say, no. Nothing's wrong. What are you talking about? That's gaslighting.

虽然现在大家滥用‘情感操控’这个词，但如果你感觉不对劲，那确实就是不对劲。你完全有权追究到底。所以你必须问清楚，必须弄明白。我建议你在对话中为伴侣敞开离开的大门。

Not that we should be abusing the word gaslighting because everybody's abusing it these days, but it is kinda gaslighting. If you feel like something's off, then something's off. And it is absolutely your right to get to the bottom of it. And so you need to ask, and you need to figure it out. And and a suggestion that I have for this conversation is to open the door for your partner to leave.

当我遇到这种情况，感觉男友在疏远时，多次直接 confrontation 说：我感觉你在抽离，不如彻底分开？我们为什么还要在一起？

When I was in this situation and I felt a boyfriend pulling away, multiple times I confronted this boyfriend and said, hey. I feel you pulling away. Why don't you just fully pull away? Why don't we break up? Like, why are we together?

知道吗？就像我感觉你不再投入了，为什么还要继续？而对方的回应总是：因为我不想分手，我还想在一起。

You know? Like, I don't feel like you're into this anymore. Why are we still doing this? And, you know, the response was always like, because I I don't wanna break up. Like, I wanna be together.

“我还是爱你的”之类。但听着——我们最后还是分手了（剧透警告）。当关系开始破裂时，最好的做法是给对方选择离开的自由。

I still, like, love you or whatever. And listen. We eventually broke up. Spoiler alert. It's like when when things start falling apart, I think the best thing that you can do is give your partner an invitation to leave if they want to.

如果他们一次又一次地选择留下，你们共同解决问题并最终变得更强大。那很好。但我觉得，我不知道...我只是觉得在开始对话时说这些话真的很有帮助：听着，我不希望你觉得自己被我困住了。

Now if they choose time and time and time and time again to stay and together you work through the issue and ultimately come out the other side stronger. Great. But I think I don't know. I just I always I I think it's really helpful to go into the conversation saying, listen. I don't want you to feel trapped with me.

我不希望你害怕和我分手。我能承受得住，我是个成年人了，好吗？如果你想分手，就停止这样拖着我不放。

I don't want you to be afraid to break up with me. I can handle it. I'm a big kid. Alright? If you wanna break up with me, stop, like, stop dragging me along.

你知道吗？在这段关系里让我很痛苦，我付出了100%的努力，而你只付出了40%，因为你显然已经不再投入或者出了什么问题。所以请结束我的痛苦，让我走吧，因为我不喜欢这种困惑的感觉。

You know? It's upsetting to be in this relationship and for me to be putting in a 100% effort and you to be putting in 40 because you're clearly not into this anymore or something's wrong. You know? So put me out of my misery. Let me go because I don't like being in this and feeling confused.

我认为在这样对话时一个很有用的策略是告诉你的伴侣：听着，我能承受得住。虽然不会好受，但如果你已经不想继续了，我们就结束吧，这样我们都能尽早开始疗愈过程。最后但同样重要的是，有人说：我正在和某人约会，和他在一起真的很幸福。

I think that's a really helpful tactic when having these conversations is to say to your partner, listen. I can handle it. I can handle it. It's not gonna be fun, but if you're over it, let's end it so that we can both begin the healing process sooner rather than later. And last but not least, somebody said, I'm dating someone, and I'm really happy with him.

他是个很棒的人，对我很好，我能看到与他的未来。我不想搞砸这段关系，但我发现自己总是梦到另一个男性朋友，这让我感到内疚。我不知道为什么这些梦不断出现，我该怎么办？现在见到这个朋友时我都觉得不自在。

He's an amazing guy who treats me great, and I see a future with him. I don't wanna mess it up, but I find myself having dreams of another male friend of mine, and it makes me feel guilty. I don't know why these dreams keep happening. What should I do about it? Now when I'm around this friend, I feel uncomfortable.

我不知道如何克服这个问题。我爱我的男朋友，请帮帮我。在一段幸福的感情中梦见与其他人亲密是正常的吗？我觉得自己像个坏人。

I don't know how to move past this issue. I love my boyfriend. Please help. Is it normal to have intimate dreams about other people while in a happy relationship? I feel like a bad person.

我们都是凡人，好吗？听着，在一段一夫一妻制的关系中，我们应该尽可能保持专一，对吧？

We're human. Okay? And listen. When in a monogamous relationship, we should strive to be as monogamous as possible. Right?

但我们无法对抗人性倾向。我们无法完全控制自己的思想，对吧？我们可以控制如何回应自己的思想和感受，但往往无法控制思想和感受本身。这些事情就是会自然而然地发生。

But we can't fight our human tendencies. We can't control our thoughts completely. Right? We can control how we respond to our thoughts and our feelings, but we often can't control our thoughts and our feelings. Those things just sort of happen.

所以，你因为对这位男性朋友产生性幻想梦境并不是坏人。你不是坏人。你无法控制那些梦境。我能看出如果是你能决定的，你根本不会做那些梦。你有那些梦境并不代表你是个坏人。

And so you are not a bad person for having sexual dreams about this male friend. You are not a bad person. You can't control those dreams. I can tell that if it was up to you, you wouldn't have those dreams. You are not a bad person for having those dreams.

更重要的是，你处于一段专一关系中却觉得某人很有魅力，这也不是你的错。有这种想法完全没问题。这很正常。不然呢？

And beyond that, you're not a bad person for being in a monogamous relationship and thinking someone's hot. It's totally fine to think that. It's normal. Like, what?

你知道，当你开始一段

You know, you get into

专一关系后，难道就能神奇地再也不对其他人产生浪漫念想了吗？当然不可能。这根本不现实。你能进入当前这段关系，正是因为你拥有那些浪漫的欲望。这些都是人类与生俱来的渴望。

a monogamous relationship and magically, you never think of another person romantically ever again? Of course not. It's impossible. The reason that you were able to get into the relationship that you're in right now is because you have those romantic desires. Those are innate human desires.

这些欲望不会因为你找到伴侣就神奇消失。它们是永久存在的。所以，你对别人产生好感，对别人做浪漫的梦，这并不代表你是坏人，也不代表你们的关系需要结束，更不意味着...

Those don't just magically go away once you find a partner. Those are permanent. So, like, you feeling attracted to somebody else, you having romantic dreams about somebody else, it's not a sign that you're a bad person. It's not a sign that your relationship needs to end. It's not a sign that no.

这完全正常，只是你们漫长健康关系道路上的一段小波折。在这段关系中，你们双方迟早都会经历这种情况。我几乎可以保证，总有一天你男朋友也会对某人产生短暂好感，然后为此感到愧疚。这太正常了。我就曾和某些男友公开讨论过彼此觉得有吸引力的人。

This is just normal, and it's a slight rough patch in what will hopefully be a long and healthy relationship for you both. This is gonna happen to both of you at some point in this relationship. I can almost guarantee that at some point, your boyfriend is gonna, I don't know, develop a little crush on somebody and feel really guilty about the way that they feel about that crush. It's so normal. I've had conversations with certain boyfriends about, like, people that we find attractive that aren't each other.

其实没关系，这很正常。我不认为对每个人都适合开诚布公地谈论这种事。不是所有人都对此感到自在。有些人宁愿不知道，因为一旦知道，可能会扰乱他们的思绪或带来其他困扰。

Like, it's okay. It's normal. I don't think it necessarily works for everybody to have an open conversation about that. Not everyone feels comfortable with that. Some people would rather not know because if they knew, then it would fuck with their head or whatever.

就我个人而言，当我处于一段非常安全、舒适的关系中时，我并不介意——如果我们双方都对某人有好感或类似情况，而且这更像是个玩笑，实际上这并不会困扰我，因为我知道这很正常。我在恋爱关系中曾经完全公开地讨论过这类话题。比如，我会问：除了我之外，你最近觉得谁很有魅力？我在恋爱中有过这样的对话，而且完全没问题。

I personally when I'm in a really safe, comfortable relationship, I don't mind like, if we both if we, like, have a crush on somebody or something and it's, like, kind of a joke, like, that doesn't really bother me, actually, because I know that it's normal. Like, I've fully had conversations around that before in romantic relationships. Like, you know, I've had a conversation. Like, who's the last person you thought was hot that wasn't me? Like, I've had that conversation in a relationship, and it was totally fine.

因为在那一刻，我们都清楚彼此想要在一起，任何短暂的好感都不会影响我们的关系。我们对这段关系有足够的信心，所以这完全不会让我们感到不安。这是非常正常的事情。我觉得，如果你能以合理的方式与伴侣开放、透明地沟通这件事，那很好。

Because in that moment, we both knew that we wanted to be together and that no crush would get in the way of it. Like, we were both confident enough in the relationship that that actually didn't rattle us at all. It's a completely normal thing. And I think listen. If you can be open and transparent about it with your partner in a way that makes sense, great.

如果不能，就让这些念头来去自如。对吧？如果你对那位男性朋友（不是你男朋友）产生了性幻想，就让这个念头进入脑海，然后让它自然消散。不要让它给你带来压力和焦虑，顺其自然就好。

If not, just let the thoughts come and pass. Right? If you have a sexual thought about this male friend of yours that's not your boyfriend, let the thought come into your head and then let it go away. Don't let it cause you stress and anxiety. Just let it come and pass.

这没什么大不了的。太正常了，完全是人性的体现。我几乎可以保证，一旦你意识到这没关系——你不是坏人，没有做错任何事，这不是你的错——并且养成让这些念头、这些浪漫幻想顺畅来去的习惯，你实际上就会停止产生这些想法。我觉得你之所以纠结于此，是因为你对此感到愧疚，觉得自己做错了什么。

It doesn't need to be a big deal. It's so normal. It's so human nature. And I can almost guarantee that once you realize that it's okay, that you're not a bad person, that you're not doing anything wrong, that it's not your fault, and you get into the habit of letting those thoughts, those romantic thoughts come and pass sort of smoothly, you'll actually just stop having the thoughts altogether. I think you're almost obsessing over it because you feel bad about it, and you feel like you're doing something wrong.

所以这反而让你想得更多。如果你放下执念，告诉自己：这没什么大不了的，这很正常，它会过去的。我知道我爱我的男朋友，我想和他在一起。

So it's making you think about it even more. If you let it go and you're like, no. This isn't a big deal. This is just normal, and it'll pass. And I know I love my boyfriend, and I wanna be with him.

这只是长期关系中的正常一部分。偶尔你会对别人产生一些奇怪的感觉，然后心想：哦，糟糕，这不好吧？但其实这很正常。我认为一旦你明白了这一点，当这些念头出现时，你就不会觉得那么可怕了。

And this is just a normal part of a long term relationship. Every once in a while, you start feeling kinda weird about somebody else, and then you're like, oh, shit. Is this bad? Like, it's normal. And I think once you realize that, it won't feel as scary when you have those thoughts.

最终，它们就不会再发生了，因为你会忘记。你对它的担忧让你更多地想到它，这反而让梦境更频繁地出现，让这些想法更常发生。这完全正常，不用担心。就是这样。

And then eventually, they just won't happen anymore because you'll forget. You being concerned about it is making you think about it more, which is then making the dreams happen more often, making the thoughts happen more often. It's totally fine and normal. Do not worry. That's it.

今天的建议环节就到这里。希望大家喜欢。我很享受，玩得很开心。如果想多和我相处，新一期的《随心所欲》每周四和周日更新。

That's it for today's advice session. I hope that you all enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. I had a load of fun. If you wanna hang out with me some more, new episodes of anything goes every Thursday and Sunday.

随处可播。在YouTube和Spotify上观看。如果想在社交媒体上找到《随心所欲》，账号是anything goes。想找到我，我是Emma Chamberlain。想找我的咖啡公司，是Chamberlain Coffee。

Stream anywhere. Watch on YouTube and Spotify. If you wanna find anything goes on social media, at anything goes. If you wanna find me anywhere, I'm Emma Chamberlain. And if you wanna find my coffee company, it's Chamberlain Coffee.

我爱你们所有人。感谢你们所有人。能和大家相聚总是很愉快。幸运的是，我们每周都能相聚两次。所以过几天再聊。

I love you all. I appreciate you all. It's always a pleasure to get to hang out. And luckily for both of us, we get to do it twice a week. So I'll talk to you in a few days.

耶。我爱你们所有人。感谢你们所有人，很快很快再和你们聊。拜拜。

Yay. I love you all. I appreciate you all, and I'll talk to you very, very soon. Bye.