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欢迎回到建议环节，这是《百无禁忌》系列节目，你们可以提交自己当前的困境或任何想寻求建议的问题，我会给出非专业的建议。
Welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and then I give you my unprofessional advice.
然后，你们要带着怀疑的态度来对待这些建议。
And then you take it with a grain of salt.
今天的话题是：在内心寻找慰藉。
And today's topic is finding comfort within yourself.
听好了。
Listen.
我知道，从他人身上或通过分心来寻求安慰很容易。
I know it can be tempting to find comfort in other people, in distractions.
但问题是，这样做有缺陷。
But here's the problem with that.
这种方式不稳定。
It's inconsistent.
这种方式靠不住。
It's unreliable.
还有什么比源自内心、由你创造的东西更丰富呢？
What's more plentiful than something that's coming from within, Something that you're creating.
一种你拥有完全掌控权的东西。
Something that you have maximum control over.
这就是为什么我认为我们都想在自己内心找到慰藉，但这很困难。
That's why I think we all wanna find comfort within ourselves, but it's challenging.
这需要努力。
It takes work.
依赖其他东西要容易得多，因为那里没有任何创造过程。
It's much easier to rely on something else because there's no creation going on there.
你知道，如果你不从内心创造什么，就不用付出任何努力。
You know, you don't have to create anything from within.
如果你只是在外界寻找慰藉，就不必做任何繁琐的工作。
You don't have to do any of the dirty work if you're just finding it out in the world.
在我开始陷入一个连我自己都跟不上的思维漩涡之前——因为我现在就已经在这样了——我们直接进入这一集吧。
Before I start going down a rabbit hole that even I can't follow because I'm already feeling myself doing that right now, let's just get into this episode.
我先短暂打断一下这一集，告诉大家本集由大众汽车赞助。
I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Volkswagen.
别误会我的意思。
Don't get me wrong.
有时候，我很喜欢当乘客。
Sometimes I love to be a passenger.
小时候，我特别喜欢坐在爸爸那辆旧大众的副驾驶座上。
Growing up, I loved sitting passenger seat in my dad's old Volkswagen.
风吹着头发，听着音乐。
Wind in my hair, listening to music.
那种感觉有种神奇而无拘无束的氛围。
There was something magical and carefree about it.
但自从我拿到驾照后，就一直喜欢坐在驾驶座上。
But once I got my driver's license, I've loved being in the driver's seat ever since.
不仅是在车里，生活中的方方面面也是如此。
Not just in the car, but in my life as well.
这是来自我、来自大众，以及所有其他司机的心声。
This is from me, from Volkswagen, and all the other drivers out there.
去做吧。
Do it.
握住方向盘。
Grab the wheel.
掌握人生的驾驶座。
Get in the driver's seat of life.
访问 vw.com 了解更多信息。
Visit vw.com to learn more.
现在回到节目。
Now back to the episode.
我们开始吧。
Let's begin.
有人问：如何在独自一人时在公共场合找到自信？
Somebody said, how to find confidence doing things alone in public?
我在家时很喜欢独处，但在公共场合独自做事时会感到有点尴尬。
I love my alone time when I'm at home, but I feel a little awkward doing things alone when I'm in public.
有什么建议吗？
Any tips?
我想先说，我其实现在对这一点有点意外地感同身受。
Well, I wanna start by saying, I shockingly can relate to this a little bit right now.
这对了解我的人来说可能很震惊，因为我是个独生子女。
And this is shocking to those who know me because I am an only child.
我天生就习惯独处。
I am wired to be alone.
我一生中花了大量时间独自一人。
I've spent so much time alone in my life.
这对我来说非常自然。
It comes very naturally to me.
从青少年时期起，我就一直是个在独自做事时感到非常自在的人。
And I've always been someone who felt really comfortable doing things alone since I was a teenager.
去喝杯咖啡，去二手店购物，做任何事情。
Going and getting a coffee, going thrift shopping, doing whatever.
对我来说，这从来不会让我感到尴尬。
It's never been embarrassing for me.
总的来说，我会说我很习惯独自做事情。
Overall, I would say I'm someone who's pretty comfortable with doing things alone.
然而，最近我一直在过度思考这个问题。
However, recently, I've been kinda overthinking it.
我知道原因。
And I know why.
因为我刚结束了一段两年的恋情，而这段关系就像最好的朋友一样。
It's because I just got out of a two year relationship, and this two year relationship was very bestie vibes.
我和我男朋友总是待在一起，这在我之前的恋情中是没有的。
Like, me and my boyfriend hung out all the time, which I didn't have in the relationship prior.
所以我自己还是做了很多事。
So I still was doing a lot of stuff alone.
在我上一段关系里，我和他几乎什么事都一起做。
In my last relationship, I, like, did everything with him.
我们就像形影不离的好友，特别开心。
Like, we were inseparable besties vibes, and it was very fun.
但这在一定程度上削弱了我独立做事的能力。
But it kind of weakened the muscle.
所以分手后，我独自做事情时感觉没那么自在了。
And so since the breakup, I've been feeling a bit less comfortable with doing stuff alone.
我觉得这并不是坏事。
I don't think that's a bad thing.
我的意思是，听好了。
I mean, listen.
我当然可以分析一下过去的关系，说我在恋爱时本该多独自做些事，但那时候我们确实很快乐。
I could psychoanalyze my past relationship and say, I should have been doing more things alone while we were together, but we were having fun.
所以我不打算这么说。
So I'm not gonna say that.
事情有时候就是这样发生的。
This is just sometimes the way things happen.
因为我一直和他一起做各种事情，所以这种能力变弱了，现在我又开始独自做事情了。
That muscle got weakened because I was constantly doing things with him, and and now I'm back to doing things alone.
周末到了。
The weekend rolls around.
如果我所有朋友都忙，而我想去做点有趣的事，那我就自己去。
If all my friends are busy and I wanna go do something fun, you know, I'm gonna go do it alone.
最近有几次，我确实感到很紧张。
And there have been a few instances lately where I've been genuinely nervous.
每次我都感到惊讶，因为这完全不像我。
And it shocks me every time because it's just so unlike me.
所以我一直在积极应对独自做事时那些轻微的焦虑感。
And so I have been actively working on dealing with those slightly anxious feelings about doing things alone.
所以，这正是提出这个问题的绝佳时机，因为我最近一直在处理这个问题。
So, like, this is a very this is a perfect time for this question to come up because this is something I've been dealing with lately.
我帮助自己应对这种情况的第一件事，就是提醒自己现实情况如何。
The first thing I do to help myself with this is remind myself of the reality of the situation.
明白吗？
Okay?
人们并没有那么密切关注我。
People aren't paying that close of attention to me.
真的没有。
They're really not.
我经常做的一项练习是，思考当我看到别人独自做事情时，我是怎么看待他们的。
An exercise that I do is I think of how I perceive other people doing activities alone.
当我坐在咖啡馆里，或在二手店时，看到有人独自购物、独自喝咖啡，我会多想吗？
When I'm at a cafe, when I'm at a thrift store, and I notice that somebody's shopping alone, getting a coffee alone, do I even think twice about it?
不会。
No.
我不会。
I don't.
下次你独自做事情、开始感到焦虑，觉得别人在评判你时，帮我个忙。
Do me a favor next time you're doing something alone and you start to feel anxious, like people are judging you for doing things alone.
试着回想一下，你有没有见过谁独自做事情，然后你心里想过：‘真可怜啊。’
And try to think of one time that you've ever seen someone out doing something alone, and you've thought, what a loser.
他们的朋友去哪儿了？
Where are their friends?
我打赌你从来没这么想过。
You've never thought that, I bet.
我打赌你从来没这么想过。
I bet you've never thought that.
我打赌你根本想不出任何一个你见过的独自做事情的陌生人。
I bet you can't even think of one stranger that you've seen doing something alone ever.
我打赌你根本记不起来，因为这根本不重要，你根本不在乎。
I bet you can't even remember that because it doesn't matter because you don't care.
人们更关心自己，而不是你。
People care more about themselves than about you.
不是以一种刻薄的方式，而是以一种人性的方式。
Not in a mean way, just in a human way.
我们并没有那么密切关注别人在做什么。
We're not paying that close attention to what other people are doing.
现在，让我们想象最紧张的情境。
Now let's imagine the the most stressful case scenario.
有人正在关注你正在做什么。
Somebody is paying attention to what you're doing.
我几乎可以肯定，他们心里并不会想，真是个失败者。
I can almost guarantee they are not thinking to themselves, what a loser.
他们的朋友去哪儿了？
Where are their friends?
相反，他们想的是，真酷。
Instead, they're thinking, that's so badass.
看他们一个人在这家餐厅吃饭。
Look at them eating at this restaurant alone.
看看他们独自在这个咖啡馆看书。
Look at them reading their book at this coffee shop alone.
看看他们独自购物。
Look at them them shopping alone.
看看他们独自在这个公园散步。
Look at them taking a walk in a in this park alone.
这太酷了。
That's badass.
这真是女强人。
That's girl boss.
这就是独立。
That's independence.
这令人钦佩。
That's admirable.
这很酷。
That's cool.
所以我认为，关键在于意识到你对他人如何看待你的恐惧是不合理的。
So I think it's all about realizing that your fears about how you're being perceived are irrational.
这可能会非常有帮助。
That can be incredibly helpful.
从那里开始，可以说熟能生巧。
And from there, say practice makes perfect.
明白吗？
Okay?
你做得越多，就会越自在。
The more you do it, the more comfortable it becomes.
你最终会享受这个过程的。
And you will enjoy it eventually.
你知道的。
You know?
但任何新事物、不熟悉的事物，一开始都会有点不舒服。
But anytime something's new, unfamiliar, it's a little bit uncomfortable at first.
对自己要有耐心。
Be patient with yourself.
熟能生巧。
Practice makes perfect.
你做得越多，越出去做自己的事，就越快能对此感到自在，最终它会变成你的本能。
The more you do it, the more you go out and do your own thing, the sooner you'll get comfortable with it, and it'll just become second nature to you.
相信这个过程。
Trust the process.
相信那种自在感终会到来。
Believe that that comfort will come.
总有一天，你不会再对此感到不适。
You will one day not feel uncomfortable by it anymore.
我几乎可以向你保证这一点。
I can almost guarantee you that.
我真的相信这一点。
I I really believe that.
这正是我正在经历的事情。
That's what's happening to me.
比如，分手后我第一次去跳蚤市场、一个人去咖啡馆时，感觉赤身裸体一样。
Like, the first few times post breakup that I went to a flea market, I went to a coffee shop by myself, I felt naked.
我心想，天哪。
I was like, oh my god.
这太奇怪了。
This is so weird.
我觉得，这种脆弱感多了一层，因为潜意识里，我觉得自己现在是单身。
Like, I feel I think that there was an added layer of vulnerability because in my subconscious, I was like, I'm single.
我的身份感现在不同了，因为我现在是一个独立女性，这种感觉非常真实、非常严肃。
Like, my identity feels different now because I'm an independent woman right now in a way that, you know, feels really real and really serious.
而如果我在恋爱期间去咖啡馆一个人待着的话。
Whereas, let's say I would, like, go to a coffee shop alone while I was in a relationship.
我会想，我才不在乎别人怎么看我，因为我有男朋友，还有很棒的朋友，根本不在意。
I was like, well, I don't care what anyone thinks of me because I have a boyfriend, and I have great friends and I don't really care.
但你看，现在我作为一个单身女性外出时，我更加在意男性们对我的想法。
But see, now that I'm going out as a single woman, I'm like more aware of what say guys are thinking about me.
我会想，我一个人在这里会不会显得很可怜，或者男生们在评判我？
I'm like, do I seem like pathetic here alone or, like, boys judging me?
还是他们觉得我温婉内敛，想要我的电话号码？
Or do they find me to be demure and they, like, you know, want to ask for my number?
我觉得，这种不适感其实正是我分手后产生的根源。
Like, I I think that's actually where the discomfort has stemmed from for me post breakup.
但当我不断重复这种行为——独自外出、做各种事情时，我正慢慢重新适应，这种感觉又变得自然而然了。
But as I'm repeating the action, going out and doing shit alone anyway, I'm slowly but surely feeling myself fall back into the swing of it, and it's becoming like second nature again.
我要说，如果你很难鼓起勇气独自外出做点什么，就让这个故事激励你吧。
And I will say, if you're finding a hard time motivating yourself to go out and do things alone, let this story motivate you.
明白吗？
Okay?
几个周末前，我想出去做点什么，但所有朋友都不在城里。
I, a few weekends ago, wanted to go out and do something, but all my friends were out of town.
我跟你说真的。
I kid you not.
每一个朋友都是这样。
Every single friend.
我当时想，我可以出去逛逛，到处走走，买杯咖啡什么的。
And I was like, I, like, could go out and, you know, hang out around town, shop around, get a coffee.
你知道的。
You know?
我本来可以那样做，但待在家里要容易多了。
I could do that, but it's so much easier to just stay home.
我不确定。
And I don't know.
也许我可以做点工作什么的。
Maybe I could get some work done or something.
但我心想，我太累了，根本没法工作。
But I was like, but I'm too tired to get work done.
而且今天是周末，外面天气这么好。
And it's the weekend, and it's such a beautiful day out.
我其实应该出去做点什么。
Like, I probably should go out and do something.
但我就是觉得，说不上来。
But I was like, I feel kinda I don't know.
那天我没什么自信。
I didn't feel super confident that day.
我感觉有点沮丧。
I was feeling kinda down in the dumps.
我就想，我不知道。
I was like, I don't know.
我不确定自己是不是该一个人出去走走。
I don't know if I need to, like, go out, like, and do stuff alone.
一个人的话，不会那么有趣。
It's not gonna be as fun.
我真希望我的朋友们现在在城里。
Like, I wish my friends were in town.
我当时只是心态很消极，但我还是逼自己出门，去逛了逛。
I just had, like, a negative mindset, but I decided to push myself and go out anyway and just hang out.
我去买了一杯咖啡。
And I went and got a coffee.
那感觉还不错。
That was nice.
不知为什么，这让我有点尴尬。
A little bit embarrassing for me for some reason.
那天我特别感到尴尬。
I was really feeling embarrassed on this particular day.
我觉得我买咖啡时感到尴尬，是因为我并不是真的想喝咖啡。
Well, I think the reason why I felt embarrassed getting the coffee was because I felt like I was not there getting the coffee because I really wanted a coffee.
我只是觉得无聊，想做点什么，但又懒得做正经事，只想动一动。
I just was bored and kinda wanted something to do, and I was too lazy to do anything productive, but I wanted to do something.
我想这就是我们做任何事情的原因。
And I guess that's kind of the reason why we do anything and everything.
但在我心里，我在想：我在这儿干嘛呢？
But in my heart, I was like, what am I doing here?
就像，我说不清楚这是怎么回事。
Like, I'm just I don't know how to explain it.
说实话，我本可以在家自己煮咖啡的。
The particular like, I could've made a coffee at home.
你懂我的意思吧？
You know what I mean?
但我还是出去买了这杯咖啡，因为我也说不清为什么。
But I went out, and I got this coffee because I don't know.
我只是想出去看看外面坐着谁，看看有没有人可以搭个话。
I kinda just wanted to, like, see who was sitting outside, like, see if there was anyone to spark up a conversation with.
谁知道呢？
Like, who knows?
我觉得这件事对我来说有点尴尬，因为我去这家咖啡店是因为我在想，这里会发生什么吗？
And I think there was something kind of embarrassing about that for me, the fact that I went to this coffee shop because I was like, you know, what could happen here?
我认识的很多人都去这家咖啡店。
A lot of people I know go to this coffee shop.
我特意去那里，是因为我想，嘿。
Like, I went there intentionally because I was like, hey.
你永远不知道会发生什么。
You never know.
我可能会遇到谁，然后搭上话。
I might see someone spark up a conversation.
我感觉有点孤单。
I'm feeling kinda lonely.
那件事其实有点让我尴尬，尽管那根本没什么好尴尬的。
And there was something kind of embarrassing about that, even though there's nothing embarrassing about that at all.
但再说一次，那天我情绪有点低落。
But, again, I was in kind of a negative headspace that day.
我坚持了下来，买了咖啡，但最终没和任何人交谈，然后决定去洛杉矶我最喜欢的一家复古商店。
I pushed through, got my coffee, didn't end up talking to anyone, and then decided I would go to one of my favorite vintage stores in Los Angeles.
我开车到了。
I pull up.
我走进去，发现商店门口有一群孩子。
I go in, and at the front of the store, there's a group of kids.
他们正在大笑、闲聊、说话。
And they were laughing, and they were gabbing, and they were talking.
我最终和他们聊了起来。
And I end up sparking up a conversation with them.
下一刻，他们邀请我去保龄球馆。
Next thing I know, they're inviting me to go bowling.
第二天，我们去打了保龄球，那是一段非常美好的时光。
And then the next day, we went bowling, and it was a really amazing time.
现在，他们成了我的新朋友。
And now these are new friends that I have.
我喜欢，如果我没有独自出门，这种事情根本不会发生。
I like, that would not have happened if I had not gone out alone.
当你独自出门，处于那种脆弱状态时，就会发生这种神奇的、志同道合的、怪异的事情。
That's the kind of magical, kindred, weird shit that happens when you go out alone, and you're vulnerable in that way.
当你和最好的朋友待在一起，在咖啡馆里，你们完全沉浸在彼此和闲聊中时，这种事情就不会发生——你们根本注意不到周围的世界。
That type of stuff doesn't happen when you're hanging out with your best friend, you're at a coffee shop, and you guys are so sucked into each other, and and the gossip that you're talking about that, you know, you don't even notice the world around you.
那种情况就不会出现。
That doesn't happen then.
如果你独自出门，你会以不同的方式与人互动。
If you go out alone, you'll interact with people differently.
你会以不同的方式看待事物。
You'll see things differently.
你可以用不同的方式安排你的时间。
You can spend your time differently.
如果你想在店里待两个小时，没人会说：‘等等，我饿了。’
If you wanna spend two hours in a store, no one's gonna say, wait, but I'm hungry.
我们去吃午饭吧，不然我无聊了。
Let's go get lunch, or I'm bored.
我不想再待在这里了。
I don't wanna be in here anymore.
你知道的。
You know?
一个人外出做事情有很多奇妙之处。
There's a lot of magical things about going out and doing stuff alone.
所以如果你很难提得起劲，那就让这一点也成为你的动力吧。
So if you're struggling to motivate, let that motivate you as well.
好的。
Okay.
下一个。
Next.
有个人说，我爱我正在约会的这个男人，但我注意到我的情绪完全依赖于他。
Somebody said, I love the guy I'm dating, but I've noticed that my mood is so dependent on him.
我不喜欢这样。
I don't like that.
我怎样才能不那么依赖他来决定我的情绪呢？
How do I be less reliant on him for my mood?
好的。
Okay.
根据我的经验，因为我以前也经历过，这通常意味着你的关系成了你世界的中心。
In my experience, because I've experienced this before, this is usually a sign that your relationship is the center of your universe.
明白吗？
Okay?
它成了你最重要的事。
It's your main priority.
它构成了你生活中大部分的情感基础。
It makes up the majority of your foundation, your emotional foundation in your life.
打个比方，你把太多鸡蛋放在了一个篮子里，而这个篮子就是他。
Metaphorically, you've put too many of your eggs in one basket, the basket being him.
你的生活并不平衡。
Your life is not balanced.
你的优先事项并不平衡。
Your priorities are not balanced.
你没有以平衡的方式分配你的精力。
You're not putting your energy out in a balanced way.
你把太多精力放在了恋爱关系上。
You're putting too much energy on your romantic relationship.
这是一个很容易犯的错误。
And this is an easy mistake to make.
明白吗？
Okay?
爱可能令人全神贯注。
Love can be all consuming.
我们很容易把所有精力都投入到恋爱关系中，因为恋爱中那种激情是朋友关系所无法提供的。
It's tempting to put all of our energy into romantic relationships because there's an electricity in the romance that we don't get from our friends.
我们从家人那里得不到这些。
We don't get from our family.
我们从爱好中得不到这些。
We don't get from our hobbies.
我们从事业中得不到这些。
We don't get from our career.
我发誓，归根结底还是性的问题。
I swear it comes down to the sex.
我觉得其实就是性这个元素太让人上瘾了，我不是科学家，但根据我网上看过的资料，当你发生性关系时，大脑会释放大量化学物质。
I think it's actually just the sexual element that is so I'm not a scientist, but from what I've read online, your brain releases a lot of chemicals when you have sex.
非常多。
A lot.
比你回复一封邮件时还要多。
More so than when you, like, respond to an email.
比你和朋友坐在咖啡馆时还要多。
More so than when you are sitting at a coffee shop with your friend.
性爱，它会爆发。
Sex, it boom.
你懂的？
You know?
会有比平时多得多的化学物质释放出来。
There's a lot of chemicals coming out more than normal.
我觉得这还结合了你大脑中爆发出来的其他所有化学物质——看吧，我不是科学家，所以你得带着点怀疑态度听我的建议，毕竟我也不太清楚自己在说什么？
And I think that combined with, like, also all the chemicals that explode out of your brain see, this is why I'm not a scientist, and this why you need to take my advice with a grain of salt because I'm kind of who knows what I'm saying?
但你明白我的意思吧。
But you get what I'm saying.
当你陷入爱河时，尤其是蜜月阶段，大脑释放的化学物质也非常强烈，令人完全沉浸其中。
The chemicals released in your brain also when you're in love, especially in, like, the honeymoon stage and stuff, it's very it's very all consuming.
我认为，当你把唯一的情感满足和快乐来源都寄托在关系上时，你的情绪就会依赖于伴侣。
I think your mood becomes dependent on your partner when you've made it such that your only potential source of fulfillment and joy is coming from the relationship.
如果你对友谊、工作、爱好以及关系之外的生活都不投入任何努力，那你也不可能从这些方面获得任何收益，因为你根本没去经营它们。
Like, the the if you're not putting any effort into your friendships, your work, your hobbies, your life outside of your relationship, then you can't really receive any benefit from that stuff because you're not putting any effort towards it.
你正在经历一种失衡。
You have an imbalance going on.
至少我是这么认为的。
That's at least what I think.
明白吗？
Okay?
这是我人生中的亲身经历。
This is what I've experienced in my life.
尽管很难做到，但建立一个超越恋爱关系的充实生活基础至关重要。
Though very hard to do, it is very important that we have a solid foundation in a full life outside of our romantic relationships.
这真的很难做到，过去我一直很难做到这一点。
This is so hard to do, and it's been really hard for me to do in the past.
我一直在这方面很挣扎。
Like, I have always struggled with this.
我总是容易陷入一段关系，然后它就变成了我的全部生活。
I have a tendency to get into a relationship, and it just becomes my life.
我只是想从这段关系中获得所有的快乐和满足。
I'm just gonna get all of the joy and all of the fulfillment out of this.
我为什么要到别处去找呢？
Why would I go elsewhere?
这看起来似乎是所有这些美好事物的非常合理的来源。
This seems to be such a valid source of all of these things.
我为什么要进一步发展我的友谊呢？
Why would I work on developing my friendships further?
为什么要培养兴趣爱好？
Why have hobbies?
当我男朋友能给我一个吻和一个拥抱时，我为什么要专注于事业呢？
Why focus on my career when I could get a kiss and a cuddle from my boyfriend?
这不好。
It's not good.
让我告诉你。
Let me tell you.
在一段关系中，这是最糟糕的做法，原因有很多。
This is the worst thing you can do in a relationship for many reasons.
这不仅会让您的情绪依赖于伴侣，还常常会引发其他问题。
Not just because it makes your mood dependent on your partner, but also because it can oftentimes cause other issues.
您的伴侣可能会察觉到这一点，感到被压抑或觉得存在依赖关系，进而可能希望保持距离、逐渐疏远。
Your partner can start to pick up on it and feel kinda smothered or feel like there's a codependency, and then that can kind of end up making the partner wanna create space and push away.
它还会在您这边造成期望，因为您可能会开始期待对方为您提供不切实际的满足感和快乐。
It also can cause expectations on your end because you're like you can start to expect them to provide you with unrealistic levels of fulfillment and joy.
如果对方是您世界的中心，您自然会对他们抱有很高的期待。
If they are the center of your universe, you know, you you can expect a lot out of them.
但我们要记住，对方也是普通人。
And we're dealing with human beings here.
他们很可能无法达到您的期望。
Chances are they're not gonna live up to your expectations.
但让我们回到我们当前讨论的问题上。
But let's zoom back into our issue at hand here.
对伴侣的情绪依赖
Mood dependency on partner.
明白吗？
Okay?
让我们回到我刚才说的内容。
Let's go back to what I was saying.
明白吗？
Okay?
我跑题了。
I went off on a tangent.
让我们把话题拉回来。
Let's let's reel it in.
正如我所说，我们在浪漫关系之外拥有充实的生活基础非常重要。
As I was saying, it's very important that we have a solid foundation in a full life outside of our romantic relationships.
我们应该把浪漫关系视为美好生活的点缀，是已经稳固基础之上的额外支持，而非必不可少的部分。
We should think of our romantic relationships as the cherry on top to an already wonderful life, an extra layer of reinforcement in our foundation that is not necessarily crucial.
我们并不是非得需要它，但它确实有帮助。
We don't need it, but it definitely helps.
这可能很难理解，尤其是像我这样有一天真的很想组建家庭的人，你知道，想要有个伴侣，想要有个家。
This can be hard to grasp, especially for somebody like me who really wants to have a family one day, you know, wants to have a partner, wants to have a family.
我想有孩子。
I wanna have kids.
我是真的希望这些能出现在我的生活中。
Like, I want this in my life.
所以当我进入一段关系时，我很难不觉得这个人就是我世界的中心。
And so when I get into a relationship, it's really hard for me not to be like, this person's the center of my universe.
否则，我就无法实现拥有家庭和孩子的目标。
Otherwise, like, I won't accomplish my goal of having a family and having kids.
你知道，这个人如此重要，因为他们可能是我在这方面的另一半。
Like, you know, this person is so important because they are they might be the my counterpart in this.
你明白我的意思吗？
You know what I mean?
对我来说，很难不把这个人放在宇宙的中心，我想让他成为我的焦点。
Like, it's hard for me not to put that person in the center of my universe, and I wanna make them a focus.
我们可能会做得过头，导致关系之外的生活逐渐消失，这并不好。
We can take it too far, and our life outside of the relationship falls away, and that's not good.
当我们陷入爱河时，自己的朋友、家人、爱好和热情必须依然保持在生活中的优先地位。
Our own friends, families, hobbies, passions must remain a priority in our lives when we're in love.
明白吗？
Okay?
这非常重要。
It's so important.
而且，听好了，这需要一定的自律吗？
And and listen, does it take a level of discipline?
是的。
Yes.
这需要设定界限吗？
Does it take boundaries?
是的。
Yes.
这需要自律吗？
Does it take self control?
是的。
Yes.
我们总是想和伴侣待在一起。
We wanna be around our partners all the time.
你知道的，我们希望每五分钟就得到一个亲吻。
You know, we wanna have get a kiss on the cheek every five minutes.
我们很喜欢这样。
We love it.
但好消息是，这不仅会让你们的关系更健康，而且不会变成依赖型关系。
But the good news is not only will this make your relationship healthier, it's not a codependent relationship.
你拥有健康的界限。
You have healthy boundaries.
你们各自拥有独立的生活，这意味着你们可以在没有恐惧的情况下互相监督。
You have life a life outside of one another, meaning that you can keep each other in check without fear.
你们不会害怕失去对方。
You're not afraid of losing one another.
你们显然想在一起，并且真心希望这段关系能够成功。
You obviously wanna be together, and you really wanna make it work.
但如果你在关系之外有自己的生活，那么你就敢于指出伴侣的荒谬行为，这在健康的关系中非常重要。
But if you have a life outside of the relationship, then you're not afraid to call your partner out on their bullshit, and that's very important in a healthy relationship.
因此，建立这些界限不仅会让你们的关系更加和谐，也会让你作为个体更加幸福。
So not only will having these boundaries make the dynamic of your relationship better, but also you as an individual will be happier.
你可能不会变得更快乐，但你会更加情绪稳定。
Your source or maybe not happier, but you will be more emotionally regulated.
你可能会更频繁地体验到喜悦或幸福。
You might experience joy or happiness more frequently.
一旦关系中出现状况，你也不会彻底崩溃。
You won't completely crumble the second something goes wrong in your relationship.
不仅当你们的关系出现波折时，你可以依靠生活中其他方面来支持你，反之亦然。
Not only when your relationship gets a little rocky, you can rely on these other areas of your life to sort of support you, but also vice versa.
如果你的职业发展不太顺利，幸运的是，你还有其他很多事情可以在情感上支持你。
If shit's kinda not going so well in your career, well, luckily, you have all this other stuff that can help support you emotionally in the meantime.
你明白我的意思吗？
Do you know what I mean?
这就是为什么我认为在生活中平衡优先事项、平衡精力如此重要。
That's why I think it's so important in life to balance your priorities, balance your energy.
你知道吗？
You know?
你不应该过于专注于一件事。
You shouldn't ever be too focused on one thing.
如果你感到对伴侣过于依赖，那就是把太多精力放在了伴侣身上。
If you're feeling dependent on your partner, you're putting too much energy into your partner.
不过别误会我的意思。
Now don't get me wrong.
我们不应该忽视我们的伴侣。
We shouldn't neglect our partner.
但如果这一点对你有所共鸣，那你就能明白我在说什么了，我甚至不需要再解释了。
But if this rings true to you at all, then you know what I'm talking about, and I don't even need to explain anymore.
继续往下说。
Moving on.
有人说过，我有时很难表达自己的观点，最终只是同意别人的意见，尽管内心并不真的这么想。
Somebody said, I sometimes struggle to express my opinions and end up just agreeing with others, even though I don't really feel that way on the inside.
我该如何更自信地表达我的真实想法？
How do I get more confident speaking my truth?
我自己就是一个正在康复中的讨好型人格，即使我知道这样不对，仍然会有讨好他人的时刻。
I am, myself, a recovering people pleaser, and I still have moments where I people please even though I know better.
我仍然会有这样的时刻。
I still have moments where I do it.
这正是我正在积极改善的事情。
Like, this is something that I'm actively working on.
我想我这一生都会一直在努力改进这件事。
I think I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.
我不确定自己会不会有一天变得完全自在地说：不，我不同意这个观点。
Like, I don't know that I'll ever arrive at a place where I'm just someone who's 120% comfortable with saying, no, I don't agree with that.
不，我不喜欢那样。
Nah, I don't like that.
我觉得这对我来说永远都会很难。
I think that's always going to be hard for me.
我觉得这就是我的本性。
I think it's just who I am.
所以我能理解这一点。
So I relate to this.
然而，每当我有点想随大流、一味附和的时候，我都会提醒自己一件事。
However, something that I remind myself of when I'm kind of feeling tempted to just agree, fit in with everyone else, whatever.
我会提醒自己，拥有自己独特的观点，而不是随波逐流，在我看来，以及在互联网看来，都更值得尊重、更有吸引力，也更有趣。
Something that I remind myself of is that having your own unique point of view instead of opinions is far more respectable, attractive, and interesting, in my opinion, and in the in the opinion of the Internet.
我以前搜索过这个问题，比起一味附和、同意每个人说的话。
I've googled this before, than being agreeable, agreeing with every everything that everyone says.
我认为很多都是潜意识的，但我们会尊重那些轻微不同意我们的人。
I think a lot of it is subconscious, but, like, we respect people who lightly disagree with us.
我们会尊重那些喜好与我们不同的人。
We respect people who like different things than we do.
我的意思是，听好了。
I mean, listen.
当然，也有例外情况。
Obviously, there's there's exceptions.
但为了这次对话，我不是在谈论严肃的话题，而是更轻松的事情，比如一部电影好不好、一家餐厅好不好、一条牛仔裤是不是好看，或者你朋友去年在另一个朋友生日派对上做的那件事对不对。
I think for the sake of this conversation, I'm not talking about serious topics, but rather more lighthearted things, like whether or not a movie is good, whether or not a restaurant is good, whether or not a pair of jeans is cute, whether or not what your friend did last year at your other friend's birthday party was wrong or not.
你知道的，就是一些更轻松的事情。
You know, like, things that are a bit more lighthearted.
让我们在这次对话中聚焦于这个范畴，因为我觉得这正是我们真正要讨论的内容。
Let's keep it in this world for this conversation because I think that that's really what we're talking about here.
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我认为我们本能地觉得，同意每个人的观点会让我们更讨人喜欢，因为直觉上我们觉得，如果和别人有共同点，那就意味着我们相似，从而他们更愿意和我们相处，因为我们喜欢同样的东西。
I think that we think instinctually that agreeing with everyone will make us more likable because I think, instinctually, we feel like, oh, if we have things in common with others, then that means that we're similar, and then that means that we that they'll wanna hang out because we like the same things.
但事实上，至少根据我的经验，当有人一味附和我说的每一件事时，我会有点觉得：嗯，我再也不太相信他们了。
But the truth is, at least in my experience, when someone just agrees with everything I say, I'm kinda like, well, I don't really believe them anymore.
你明白我的意思吗？
You know what I mean?
我并不是有意识地这么想，但潜意识里我会觉得：你不可能在每件事上都同意我。
I don't actively think that, but, like, subconsciously, I'm like, there's no way you agree with me on everything.
恰恰相反，如果我们有一些分歧，那些我们意见一致的地方反而会显得更有分量。
If anything, it makes the things that we agree on more powerful if there are some things that we disagree on.
我们尊重那些有主见、有自我认知、对自己的观点和信念充满信心，并且不害怕表达不同意见的人。
We respect people who clearly have a spine, clearly have a sense of self, are confident in their opinions and beliefs, and aren't afraid to disagree.
我们钦佩这种态度。
We admire that.
我们被这种特质吸引。
We're attracted to that.
我们喜欢诚实。
We like honesty.
所以我知道，你的直觉可能会误导你，让你觉得凡事都同意才是正确的做法，因为理论上这会让我们更讨人喜欢。
So I know that your gut might might be tricking you into thinking that agreeing with everything is the move because it, in theory, should make us more likable.
但我经常提醒自己，坚定地做自己，反而会让我更具吸引力和趣味性。
But something that I do is remind myself that standing firm in who I am is actually going to make me more attractive and interesting.
你知道吗？
And you know what?
最坏的情况，最坏的情况，也不会怎样。
Worst case scenario, worst case scenario, it doesn't.
最坏的情况是，有人更喜欢我，如果我不同意他们所说的每一件事。
Worst case scenario, someone would prefer me if I did disagree with everything that they had to say.
那又怎样？
Well, guess what?
那种人，我才不想和他们待在一起。
That's not somebody I wanna be around.
我不想和那种自我认知如此脆弱的人待在一起，只要我不同意他们对一家餐厅好坏的看法，他们就会生气。
I don't wanna be around somebody who has such, like, a fragile sense of themselves that if I disagree with them on, like, whether or not a restaurant is good, they actually get butthurt.
或者我只是不喜欢他们最爱的歌，他们就会不高兴。
Or if I don't like their favorite song, they get butthurt.
我宁愿做真实的自己，即使因为意见不同而让对方生气，然后他们意识到‘我不想和这样的人来往’，也不愿压抑自我、附和所有人，最后却继续和一个我本可以早些察觉、并最终远离的负面特质的人做朋友。
I would rather be myself and have someone, like, get offended that I disagreed with them, and then realize, oh, I don't wanna be around this person, than disagree with everything, suppress my sense of self, and then, I don't know, like, continue to be friends with somebody who has kind of a negative trait that I could have picked up on and then ultimately gotten away from if I had seen it.
对我来说，这简直是个双赢的局面。
Like, it's it's to me, it's a win win situation.
即使最坏的情况真的发生了，那也根本没那么糟。
Even if the worst case scenario comes to pass, that's still not even really that bad.
也许只是短暂地有点尴尬？
Maybe uncomfortable for a second?
现在你知道这个人有点糟糕了。
Well, now you know that this person kinda sucks.
你明白我的意思吗？
You know what I mean?
我认为这是一种雪球效应，你可能先在那些你非常自在的人面前坚定地表达自己的信念和观点，看看反应如何。
I think it's a snowball effect in the way that perhaps you start by being confident in your beliefs, in your opinions, in front of people that you're really comfortable with, and see how it goes over.
你可能会发现，实际情况并没有你想象的那么糟。
And you'll probably notice it doesn't go as bad as you think it would.
也许你还会注意到，这些人之后反而更尊重你了。
Maybe even you notice that these people respect you a little bit more after this.
也许他们甚至会说：哇，我从来没这么想过。
Maybe they even say, wow, I never thought of it that way.
也许他们最终会同意你的看法。
Maybe they end up agreeing with you.
你会意识到，这根本不是什么大不了的事。
You'll notice that it's not the end of the world.
你还会注意到，这如何增强了你的自尊心。
You'll also notice how it reinforces your self esteem.
你不仅会意识到，即使有人不同意你，哪怕有点不舒服，也并不会有多糟糕。
Not only will you realize that even if someone disagrees with you, and maybe it's a little bit uncomfortable, it's still not gonna be that bad.
最坏的情况，也许只是有点不舒服。
At worst, maybe a little bit uncomfortable.
你还会注意到，通过这样做，你会增强自尊，信心也会逐渐增加。
And you'll also notice that by doing it, you'll reinforce your self esteem, and your confidence will build a little bit more.
当你继续与身边亲近的人练习时，你会越来越自信于这种能力，也越来越自信于自己和你的观点，因为你不再害怕它们了。
And as you continue practicing with people close in your life, you'll become more and more confident in this ability and more confident in yourself and your opinions because now you're not afraid of them anymore.
你发现他们并不会伤害你。
You see that they're not going to harm you.
通过实践，你强化了这样一个观念：即使你表达不同意见，世界也不会崩塌。
You've reinforced the idea through practice that the world doesn't explode if you disagree.
当你坦诚表达时，没有人会抛弃你。
Nobody abandons you when you speak your mind.
我现在还认为，建立一种普遍的自信心是有帮助的。
Now I also think too that just building a general sense of confidence is helpful.
我经常给出这方面的建议。
I give advice on this all the time.
我认为，当在生活中缺乏自信时，通常的解决办法是坚定你的道德观和价值观，坚持它们，做最好的自己。
I think when lacking confidence in life, usually, the fix is solidifying your sense of morals and values, sticking to them, being the best person you can be.
就是这样。
That's it.
我可以进一步展开，但我已经讲过太多次了。
I could expand on it, but I've done it too many times.
此外，拥有一个总体上强大的自尊心，我认为也很有帮助，这不仅仅是通过练习做到完美。
That also, you know, having a general strong sense of self esteem, I also think could be helpful too, you know, beyond just practicing making perfect.
但我也必须说，有时候，最好避免参与那些你可能不同意的对话。
But, also, I think it must be said that sometimes it's just better not to involve yourself in a conversation where maybe you disagree.
比如，当你的所有朋友都在谈论他们多么喜欢哈利·斯泰尔斯的新专辑，而你其实并不喜欢，但他们都非常热情，真的很喜爱。
Like, if everyone if all your friends are talking about how they love the new Harry Styles album, and maybe you don't like it, and everyone's really passionate about it, they love it.
他们怎么听都不够。
They can't get enough.
这是他们听过的最好的专辑。
It's the best album they've ever heard.
啰啰嗦嗦一大堆。
Blah blah blah blah blah.
你不一定非得插话。
You don't necessarily need to chime in.
你可以保持沉默。
You can remain silent.
我觉得不赞同或不表态也没关系。
I think it's okay to not agree or disagree.
就别掺和了。
Just kinda stay out of it.
我经常这么做。
I do that all the time.
有时候我觉得想参与对话，也许就某件事展开一点争论，但有时候我又不想。
There are times when I feel inclined to enter a conversation, perhaps start a little debate about something, And then there are times when I don't.
当我选择不参与时，我认为这并不是因为缺乏自信之类的缘故。
And I I don't think when I don't, it's because I'm lacking confidence or whatever.
只是因为我并不觉得通过不同意就能为对话增添什么价值。
It's just because I'm I don't really think I'm gonna add to the conversation by disagreeing.
所以我干脆不参与。
And so I just stay out of it.
如果有人问我，我会坦诚相告。
And then if somebody asks me, you know, I'll be honest.
但也要考虑干脆不参与对话的可能性。
But also consider the option of just staying out of the conversation.
如果你不同意，但又没精力深入讨论，那就别参与。
If you disagree, but you don't really have the energy to get into it, just stay out of it.
如果有人问你，比如‘你觉得这个怎么样？’，你也可以这么说。
You could even say too if somebody asks you, like, oh, what do you think about this?
如果你不想深入讨论，就直接说：‘我不太清楚。’
And you don't really wanna get into it, just be like, you know, I don't really know.
很好。
Great.
本集由eBay赞助播出。
This episode is brought to you by eBay.
我们每个人都有那么一件东西。
We all have that one piece.
你知道我说的是哪一件。
You know the one.
那件特别符合你风格的东西，以至于你几乎因此而出名。
The thing that's so you, you've basically become known for it.
如果你还没找到，你可以在eBay上找到它。
And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay.
让我来给大家介绍一下。
Let me put you on, people.
eBay是让你找到那些独一无二、反复研究、夜不能寐地惦记着的单品的地方。
EBay is where you'll find those one of a kind, can't stop researching, stay up dreaming about pieces again and again.
我说的就是你一直盯着的那件秀场红色皮夹克，带牛仔图案的潮流上衣，或者2017年款的那件简约抓绒衣。
I'm talking about that off the runway red leather bomber that you've had your eye on, the trendy top with the cowboy on it, or that sleek fleece from the 2017 colorway.
所有这些宝贝都在eBay上。
All of these finds are on eBay.
他们甚至提供数百万件主角单品，并附带真品保证。
They even offer millions of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee.
eBay是寻找二手和复古时尚的好地方。
EBay is the place for pre loved and vintage fashion.
eBay，人们热爱的东西。
EBay, things people love.
现在回到节目本身。
Now back to the episode.
最后但同样重要的是，有人问：如何停止让他人影响我对自己的想法和看法。
Last but not least, somebody said, how to stop letting other people influence my thoughts and opinions about myself.
我想在自我价值上感觉更独立。
I wanna feel more independent in my self worth.
我要说，在某种程度上，这很棘手，因为这几乎像是一种人类本能。
I will say, to an extent, this is tricky because it is almost like a human instinct.
对于这个特定的话题，我一直都有这种感觉。
And I have always felt this way about this particular topic.
就像，我们在乎别人怎么看待我们，这是非常人性的。
Like, it's very human for us to care about what other people think about us.
我不确定这是否是可以避免的人性特点。
I don't know that that's an avoidable human thing.
事实上，当有人完全不在乎别人怎么看待他们时，我觉得这有点可怕。
In fact, to me, it actually is a bit frightening when someone doesn't care what other people think about them at all.
这让我觉得有点怪异。
Like, that feels freaky to me.
这对我来说不像是人性的表现。
It doesn't feel human to me.
所以我去搜索了一下，心想：这只是我的个人体验，还是说这确实是普遍现象？
And so I googled it because I was like, is this just my experience, or is this sort of true?
事实确实如此。
And it is true.
我们是社会性动物。
We're social animals.
我们的天性就是依赖他人来约束自己、帮助我们学习。
We're wired to rely on others to keep us in check, help us learn.
如果有人指出我们是个混蛋，这会让我们对自己的行为感到些许愧疚，这合情合理，也希望能促使我们未来少做些混蛋的事。
If someone calls us out for being an asshole, it will make us feel a bit bad about being an asshole, rightfully so, hopefully inspiring us to be less of an asshole in the future.
这有它的作用。
It serves a purpose.
我们在一定程度上在意他人对我们的看法是很重要的，否则，我们会成为好人吗？
It's important that we care to an extent what others think of us because otherwise, would we be good people?
大概不会。
Probably not.
我们出生时只是个婴儿。
We're born a baby.
我们什么都不知道。
We don't know anything.
在我们的一生中，我们向他人学习。
And throughout our lives, we learn from others.
很多时候，我们通过他人对我们的看法来学习。
Oftentimes, we learn from how others perceive us.
如果我们做了粗鲁的事，人们会对我们感到不满。
If we do something rude, people get upset with us.
重要的是我们要在意这一点，这样我们才会停止做粗鲁的事。
And it's important that we care about that so that we stop doing rude things.
你知道吗？
You know?
如果我们开的玩笑有点不合时宜、有点尴尬、没说到点子上，人们会给我们一个奇怪的表情。
If we make a joke that's kind of out of touch, kind of embarrassing, kinda missed the mark, people are gonna make a weird face at us.
而注意到这一点很重要。
And it's important that we notice that.
我认为，在某种程度上，他人不可避免地会影响我们看待自己的方式。
I think to a certain extent, it's inevitable that other people are going to impact the way that we see ourselves.
然而，我们可能会走得太远，以至于把自己的价值完全建立在他人对我们的看法上。
However, we can take it too far to the point where our self worth is tied up in other people's opinions about us.
这并没有好处。
This isn't beneficial.
这并不是说，有人因为我们做了粗鲁的事而骂我们是混蛋，然后我们就想，也许我确实是个混蛋。
This isn't like someone calling us an asshole because we did something rude and then us being like, maybe I am kind of an asshole.
我需要改进这一点。
I need to work on that.
我认为，当这种心态被过度放大时，才会变得有害。
I think when it becomes harmful is when it's taken too far.
这让我想起了焦虑。
It kinda reminds me of anxiety.
焦虑是一种人类普遍的情绪体验。
It's like anxiety is a human emotion experience feeling.
这是一种我们进化出来的感受，因为作为物种，我们希望保护自己。
It's a feeling that we have evolved to have because we, as a species, wanna protect ourselves.
而焦虑，据称最初是一种进化反应，用来保护我们免受威胁。
And anxiety, apparently originally, was like an evolutionary response that would protect us from threat.
对吧？
Right?
但现在我们面临的威胁减少了，所以我们开始为其他事情感到焦虑，我想。
But now we have less threat, so we get anxiety about other things, I guess.
这就是我对焦虑如何出现在我们这些愚蠢的小大脑中的理解。
That's my understanding of how anxiety came to be in our in our silly little brains.
但从某种意义上说，这和它有点相似。
But it's kinda similar to this in a way.
很久以前，也许在社交方面，事情要简单一些。
A long time ago, maybe socially, things were a little bit less complicated.
在我们的大脑形成很久以前，根本就没有互联网。
And so, you know, there was no Internet a really long time ago when our brains were wired.
也许那时候有，但并没有像现在这样的审美标准。
Maybe there were but there weren't, like, the same types of beauty standards.
比如，当时一切都截然不同，我不知道，这或许只是一个假设，但我们的大脑可能被设定为重视亲密社群对我们的看法，以利于生存。
Like, everything was so different that, I don't know, perhaps this is just kind of a hypothesis, but it's like perhaps our brains were wired to care about what our close knit community thought about us for survival for survival purposes.
而现在，我们几乎有一种过度纠正的倾向，因为我们不再那么需要它了。
And now it's almost like we have a tendency to overcorrect because we don't need it as much.
这说得通吗？
Does that make sense?
或者不是说我们不需要它了，而是说，是的，也许我们不再以同样的方式需要它。
Or not that we don't need it as much, but, yeah, maybe we don't need it in the same way.
我不知道。
I don't know.
这感觉像是大脑进化中的一个失误。
It feels like an evolutionary misfire in the brain.
这说得通吗？
Does that make sense?
就像某种曾经对我们有益的东西。
Like, it feels like something that used to benefit us.
这已经不再为我们服务了，现在我们太过在意别人对我们的看法，这种在意深刻地、有害地影响了我们的自我认知和价值感。
It's, like, not serving us anymore, and now we care way too much about what other people think about us, and it deeply impacts our our sense of self and our and our sense of worth in a way that's detrimental.
这种情况非常普遍，因此在我看来，它类似于焦虑——而焦虑也同样普遍。
And it's so common that that's why it feels like to me something similar to anxiety, which is also so common.
这似乎是大脑中尚未跟上我们当今生活新环境的部分。
It's like, this must be a part of our brain that hasn't quite evolved to the new situation that we're living in today.
再次说明，我可能只是跑题了，提出的观点在科学上完全不准确，但这只是我的一个科学假说，我永远不会去验证，因为我不是科学家。
Again, I might have just went off on a tangent that is completely scientifically inaccurate and false, but this is just my scientific hypothesis that I will never test because I'm not a scientist.
但几乎可以说，关注别人对我们的看法是很重要的，这样我们才能从中学习。
But it's almost like, you know, it's important that we pay attention to what other people think about us so that we can learn from it.
但如果我们过于重视这些看法，就可能伤害到自己。
But if we put too much weight on it, then we can hurt ourselves.
于是我们从一些本不该在意的事情中，得出了关于自己和自身价值的结论。
And then we're drawing conclusions about ourselves and our worth from things that we shouldn't be.
一些因过度受他人看法影响而导致有害后果的例子包括：第一，你喜欢的人不喜欢你，你却把它当作个人的失败。
Some examples of of being too influenced by other people's opinions of you in a way that's detrimental, in a way that's harmful would be, number one, someone you have a crush on doesn't like you back, and you take it personal.
这让你觉得自己一无是处，像一片随风飘荡的塑料袋，渴望重新开始。
It makes you feel like shit about yourself, like you're a plastic bag drifting in the wind, wanting to start again.
另一个例子，有人不知为何不喜欢你，对你冷淡或疏远，也许只是因为你 vibe 不合他们胃口——这种事确实会发生，但你却把它当真。
Another example, someone doesn't seem to like you for some reason, feels cold or distant with you for for no reason, just maybe they just don't like your vibe because that happens sometimes, you take that personal.
再次强调，你感觉自己像一片随风飘荡的塑料袋，渴望重新开始。
Once again, you feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again.
谢谢你，凯蒂·佩里，提供了这句话。
Thank you, Katy Perry, for this quote.
这句话对这一集的帮助真的很大。
It's really helping me with this episode.
另一个例子，如果你没被邀请参加某个活动，你可能会把它看得太重。
Another example, if you don't get invited to something, you might take this so personal.
这等于是在攻击你的自我价值感。
An attack on your sense of self.
或者当有人不同意你的观点时，你本该想：没关系。
Or if someone disagrees with you maybe, instead of being like, that's okay.
不。
No.
你会想，我真是个傻瓜。
You're like, I am an idiot.
我是个傻瓜。
I'm an idiot.
你看到这里的问题了吗？
You see the problem here?
这些都是不应该影响一个人自我价值感的事情。
These are all things that shouldn't impact one's sense of self.
但如果你过于在意别人对你的看法、想法和感受，这些事情就会冲击你的自我价值感、自尊和自我价值。
But if you're overly concerned with other people's opinions and thoughts about you and feelings about you, these things will impact your sense of self, your self esteem, your self worth.
现在这就有点复杂了。
Now it's tricky.
对吧？
Right?
因为如果你是个极度敏感的人，我能理解这一点，因为我生命中某些时期也曾如此敏感，这很难分辨。
Because if you're someone who's ultra sensitive, and I can relate to this because I've had periods of my life where I've been very sensitive in this way, can be hard to tell.
比如，好吧。
Like, okay.
我好像把每件事都当成针对自己的。
I seem to take everything personally.
我好像让每件事都直击内心。
I seem to let everything go straight to my heart.
你知道吗？
You know?
我好像让别人对我的所有评价立刻冲击我的自尊储备。
Like, I seem to let everybody's opinion of me immediately attack my my reserves of self esteem.
很难分辨，什么时候该认真对待别人的看法，什么时候该持保留态度？
It's hard to discern, okay, when should I take people's opinions to heart, and when should I take them with a grain of salt?
什么时候该让这些评价影响我的自尊，什么时候又不该？
When should I let them hit my reserves of self esteem, and when should I not?
我认为最好的方法是反思当前的情况，问问自己：经过真诚的反思，你真的做错什么了吗？
And I think the best way to figure it out is to reflect on the situation at hand and ask yourself, if upon honest reflection, if you've done anything wrong, have you genuinely done anything wrong?
是或不是？
Yes or no?
如果答案是肯定的，那么，是的，你知道吗？
And if the answer is yes, then, yeah, you know what?
这很合理，因为你的自尊心确实被削弱了一点——因为你确实搞砸了，你需要重新赢回这份自尊，因为你做错了事，伤害了别人。
It makes sense that it took a little bit of self esteem out of your reserves because you fucked up, and you need to earn that self esteem back because you did something wrong and you hurt people.
这实际上，至少在我看来，是事情在正常运转。
That's actually, like, things functioning properly, at least in my opinion.
然而，如果你经过反思后确认自己没错，但自尊心却开始被消耗，那你就需要对这种评价保持怀疑。
However, if you didn't do anything wrong upon reflection, and it's started to drain your your reserves of self esteem, that's something that you need to take with a grain of salt.
如果你让一些根本不是对你负面评价的事情影响了你的自尊，而你确实没做错什么，那就说明有问题了。
If you're letting something impact your self esteem that actually isn't a negative reflection of you, you didn't do anything wrong, then that means something's off.
你明白我的意思吗？
You see what I'm saying?
这意味着你有问题。
That means you got an issue.
那么，你如何在自我价值上感到更独立呢？
So how do you feel more independent in your self worth?
我的建议是：多信任自己。
My advice, build more trust with yourself.
对自己许下承诺，并且兑现它。
Make promises to yourself and follow through.
这是建立自我信任的最好方式之一。
That's one of the greatest ways that you can build trust with yourself.
这能培养自尊。
It builds self respect.
如果你说：明天我要早上七点起床，写日记，给自己做一顿健康的早餐，多放点像万能香料这样的调料，还要摆盘得漂亮一点——也许这就是你对自己许下的承诺。
If you say, tomorrow, I'm gonna wake up at seven in the morning, and I'm gonna journal, and I'm gonna cook myself a healthy breakfast with lots of, like, fun like, I'm gonna use everything bagel seasoning, and I'm gonna, like, plate it pretty, and, like, maybe that's a promise you make to yourself.
兑现这个承诺。
Fulfill that promise.
也许下周，你对自己的承诺是：这一周每天工作时不刷Instagram。
Maybe the next week, your promise to yourself is, I'm going to work every day without going on Instagram every like, for a week.
这一周工作时间内我绝不让自己刷Instagram。
I'm not gonna let myself go on Instagram during working hours for a week.
遵守你对自己的承诺。
Keep that promise to yourself.
这会建立自尊。
That will build self respect.
下周，好吧。
The next week, okay.
这周我要锻炼三次。
I'm going to exercise three times this week.
坚守这个承诺。
Keep that promise.
看着自尊逐渐建立。
Watch the respect build.
我认为，与自己建立这样一种关系——为自己设定目标，向自己许下承诺并切实履行，这个过程对建立自尊和自信非常有帮助。
I think having this sort of relationship with yourself where you're making goals for yourself and then making a promise to yourself that you will fulfill it and then doing it, that process really helps with building self respect and self esteem.
除此之外，我认为努力形成一套坚定的个人信念，能让你更容易信任自己对自己的看法。
In addition to that, I think making the effort to form a set of solid personal beliefs makes it easier to trust your perception of yourself.
如果你拥有坚定的道德观和价值观，清楚什么是对的、什么是错的，并尽自己所能按照这些原则生活，那么任何人的随意评价都很难动摇你，因为你有着坚实的道德根基，并且始终践行它。
If you have a solid set of morals, values, you know what you think is right and wrong, and then if you live by that to the best of your ability, it's gonna be really hard for anyone's random opinion of you to shake you because you have such a solid sense of morality, and you're living you're abiding by it.
所以，如果有人试图——我不知道怎么说。
So if somebody tries to, like I don't know.
如果有人拒绝你，或者不再想让你出现在他们的生活中，你会想：其实我也没那么在意。
If somebody rejects you or doesn't want you in their life anymore, you're like, I don't really okay.
因为我觉得自己是个不错的人。
Because I'm kinda I'm a good person.
我一直在努力。
I'm doing the work.
所以是你的损失，你知道的，随它吧。
So your loss, you know, whatever.
如果你坚定地遵循自己的道德准则，就更容易让他人对你的看法或想法从你身上滑过。
It's easier to let other people's opinions or thought of thoughts of you roll off your back if you're really locked into that moral compass.
你相信自己。
You trust yourself.
你相信自己是个好人，也相信如果有人不喜欢你、不同意你，或者不想和你交往，那并不是因为你不够好。
You trust that you're a good person, and you trust that if people don't like you, or if they disagree with you, or if they don't wanna hang out with you, that it's not because you're not a good person.
你是个好人。
You are a good person.
是别的原因。
It's something else.
那到底是什么，谁在乎呢？
And who cares what it is?
因为归根结底，最重要的事是你是个好人。
Because at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you're a good person.
你明白我的意思吗？
You know what I mean?
好的。
Okay.
接下来，过一种让你自豪的生活。
Next, live a life that you're proud of.
善待他人。
Treat people kindly.
照顾好自己。
Take care of yourself.
要有自律。
Have discipline.
敬业精神。
Work ethic.
尽你所能，过一种让你自豪的生活。
To the best of your ability, live a life that you're proud of.
同样，这会让那些无关紧要的评价、对你无关紧要的想法轻易地滑过。
This, again, will make it easy for opinions that don't matter, thoughts about you that don't matter to just roll off your back.
我知道说起来容易做起来难，但我已经做了太多期节目，详细讲解了如何做到这些事，如何在日常生活中真正实践它们。
Now I know it's easier said than done, but I've made way too many episodes detailing how to do these things, how to actually practice them in your life.
我不需要再重复一遍了。
I don't need to get into it again.
我们都已经听腻了。
Like, we're all we're all sick of it.
我们都觉得无聊了。
We're all bored.
最后但同样重要的是，正念。
And last but not least, mindfulness.
提醒自己认清现实情况。
Remind yourself of the reality of the situations.
明白吗？
Okay?
如果有人不喜欢你，无论是浪漫关系还是友情，都不一定是因为你有什么问题。
If somebody doesn't like you, romantic or platonic, it's not necessarily because there's something wrong with you.
因为你很恶心，因为你很差劲，因为你很糟糕，因为你很烦人，因为你很尴尬，因为你不够可爱。
Because you're gross, because you suck, because you you're horrible, because you're annoying, because you're cringe, because you because you're not cute.
这并不一定意味着你就是不合他们的口味。
It doesn't necessarily mean that you just might not be their cup of tea.
可能只是这么简单。
That could be simply it.
你知道吗？
And you know what?
如果你对自己有信心，如果你已经建立了对自己的信任，当有人不喜欢你时，无论是浪漫关系还是友情，你都会很容易地想：我只是不合他们的口味，因为我自己确实挺棒的。
If you have trust in your sense of self, if you've built trust in your sense of self, when someone doesn't like you, romantic or platonic, it's very easy to be like, I'm just not their cup of tea because I am kind of awesome.
我早就努力过了。
I've done the work.
我是个道德上正直的人。
I'm a morally good person.
我尊重自己，因为我许下承诺，并且信守承诺。
I respect myself because I make promises, and I fulfill them.
你知道吗？
You know?
比如，我真的很棒。
Like, I'm awesome.
我是个狠角色。
I'm a badass.
我并不完美，但我相当出色。
I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty awesome.
所以如果有人不喜欢我，大概是因为我不合他们的口味。
And so if somebody doesn't like me, it's probably because I'm not their cup of tea.
如果你在其他方面状态不错，就更容易留意这些事。
Much easier to be mindful about these things if you're in a good place with the other things.
但确实，你不可能合每个人的口味。
But it is true that you're not gonna be everyone's cup of tea.
如果有人跟你意见不合，别立刻觉得自己是个傻子。
If someone disagrees with you, instead of being like, I'm an idiot.
我真笨。
I'm dumb.
我真傻。
I'm stupid.
现实情况是我们都在彼此身上学习。
The reality of the situation is we all learn from each other.
无论是争论让我们更加坚定自己的信念——因为经受考验却毫不动摇，还是我们的思维得以拓展，通过与他人对话获得顿悟并改变信念。
Whether a disagreement leads to further reinforcement of our own personal belief because being tested on it and not budging reinforcement or our minds expanding and us having an epiphany through a conversation with somebody and changing our beliefs.
这真是件美好的事。
What a beautiful thing.
这与你的自我价值毫无关系。
That has nothing to do with your self worth.
这只不过是人类彼此互动的方式而已。
That's just, like, how we interact with one another as human beings.
我认为，用正念提醒自己这一点，会非常有帮助。
And I think using mindfulness to remind ourselves of that can be incredibly helpful.
今天我就说这些了，各位。
That's all I got for today, y'all.
我干嘛说‘各位’啊？
What am I doing saying y'all?
我有时候确实会说‘各位’。
I do say y'all sometimes.
这毫无道理。
It makes no sense.
我不知道这词是从哪儿来的。
I don't know where it came from.
我是个土生土长的加州女孩。
I am a California girl, born and raised.
加州女孩说着‘各位’。
Cali girl saying, y'all.
我平时根本不听乡村音乐，除了凯西·穆斯格雷夫斯，因为她的歌真的超棒。
I don't even listen to country music except for Kacey Musgraves because that shit is good.
我最爱的专辑之一，《Golden Hour》，由Kacey Musgraves演唱。
One of my favorite albums of all time, Golden Hour, Kacey Musgraves.
太棒了。
Love.
不过我不知道自己干嘛总说‘y’all’。
Anyway but I don't know why I'm saying y'all.
但不管怎样，这期节目我就说这些了。
But, anyway, that is all I have for this episode.
如果你喜欢这次的建议环节，每月都会更新新的建议内容。
If you enjoyed this advice session, new episodes of advice session once a month.
所以你只能继续关注，等它上线了就知道了。
So you're just gonna have to stay tuned and see when it pops up.
《Anything Goes》每周四更新新一期。
New episodes of anything goes every Thursday.
《Anything Goes》在互联网上各种地方都能看到。
Anything goes is on the Internet in various places that anything goes.
我在互联网上是Emma Chamberlain，我的咖啡公司叫Chamberlain Coffee。
I'm on the Internet at Emma Chamberlain, and my coffee company is Chamberlain Coffee.
谢谢大家收听和陪伴。
Thank you all for listening and hanging out.
一如既往，这真是一种享受。
As always, it's a pleasure.
我喜欢和你们待在一起。
I love getting to hang with you.
希望你们也享受和我相处的时光。
I hope that you enjoy hanging with me.
如果你们喜欢，那我一周后再和你们聊。
And if you do, well, I'll talk to you in a week.
爱你们。
Love you.
再见。
Bye.
待会儿再聊。
Talk to you later.
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