被前任困扰，咨询专场

欢迎回到《建议专场》，这是我们《畅所欲言》系列中的一个环节，你可以提交当前遇到的困境或任何问题——我是说字面意义上的任何需要建议的事情。然后我会给你我专业的建议。今天的话题我们之前略有提及——前任。我们又要谈论我们的前任了。其实我不该说'我们的前任'，因为希望今天只谈论你的前任。

Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything, and I mean literally anything you want advice on. And then I give you my own professional advice. And today's topic is one that we've touched on before, exes. We're talking about our exes again. Actually, I shouldn't say our exes because hopefully we're just talking about your exes today.

今天我不想谈我的前任。没心情。我想谈谈你的。说实话，我认为人生中最复杂的关系之一就是与前任的关系。因为这种关系本质上是怪异、尴尬、痛苦且令人不适的。

I don't wanna talk about my exes today. Not in the mood. I wanna talk about yours. The truth is one of the most complicated relationships we'll experience in our lives, I think, in my opinion, is those with our exes. Because it's inherently a weird, awkward, painful, uncomfortable relationship.

你的前任是某个你曾经深爱过、无比亲近的人，而现在你们不再是这种关系了。确实有些前任能维持美好的友谊，从恋爱到朋友的过渡无缝衔接，可能因为那段关系本身就不那么深刻。也许没那么认真。这种情况确实存在。但大多数情况下，我们与前任的关系都极其复杂。

Your ex is somebody that at one point you were in love with, you were incredibly close to, and then now you're not. And I mean, there are some exes out there that have a beautiful friendship, and the transition from dating to friendship was seamless, perhaps the relationship wasn't that deep. Maybe it wasn't that serious. Like, that happens. But for the most part, our relationships with our exes are incredibly complicated.

正因如此，关于前任的话题似乎永远聊不完。这就是为什么我们今天再次回到这个话题——因为它永无止境。随之而来的复杂情况也是无穷无尽的。闲话少说，我们开始吧。本节目由eBay赞助播出。

And so that's why there seems to be a bottomless pit of conversation in it. That's why we're returning to this subject again today because it's endless. The complications that come with it are endless. So without further ado, let's begin. This episode is presented to you by eBay.

我们都有那样单品。你知道的——那件如此代表你、让你因此闻名的东西。如果你还没有找到属于你的标志性单品，eBay上一定能找到。让我来给你们指条明路吧，各位。

We all have that piece. You know the one. The thing that's so you, you've basically become known for it. And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay. Let me put you on, people.

eBay正是你能找到那些独一无二、让你忍不住反复研究、夜不能寐心心念念的单品的地方。我说的就是那件你一直关注的秀场红色皮夹克、印着牛仔图案的潮流上衣，或是2017年配色系列的时尚抓绒衣。所有这些宝藏单品都能在eBay找到，他们还提供数百万件带有正品保障的主角级单品。eBay是二手古着时尚的聚集地。eBay，人们热爱的宝贝。

EBay is where you'll find those one of a kind, can't stop researching, stay up dreaming about pieces again and again. I'm talking about that off the runway red leather bomber you've had your eye on, the trendy top with the cowboy on it, or that sleek fleece from the 2017 colorway. All of these finds are on eBay, and they even offer millions of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee. EBay is the place for pre loved and vintage fashion. EBay, things people love.

有人说：我的前任现在正式和他当初为我离开的那个女孩在一起了，我觉得自己好糟糕。我该如何走出来？首先，你为此深感困扰是完全合理且正常的。这正是人生中那种极其不公平的境遇，难以避免。

Somebody said, my ex is now officially with the girl he left me for, and I feel so bad about myself. How do I move through it? Well, to start, it is so fair and okay to be deeply bothered by this. This is one of those situations in life that's just so fucking unfair. It's inevitable.

这类事情时刻都在发生，甚至未必有谁真的做错了。你的前任并不因为选择别人而离开你就是坏人——严格来说这其实并无不可。只要他没有欺骗你或用不尊重的方式结束关系，他其实并没有做错什么。但这不意味着这件事不会让你感到极度难过和痛苦。

Like, this type of stuff happens all the time, and no one's necessarily even wrong in it. Like, your ex isn't a bad person just because he left you for someone else. Like, that's actually not technically not okay. As long as he didn't cheat on you or end the relationship disrespectfully, he kinda didn't do anything wrong. But that doesn't mean it's not deeply, deeply upsetting and painful.

你为此感到沮丧是非常正常、合理且合乎情理的。这件事动摇你的信心和自尊完全情有可原。即使你是世界上最自信的人，当你深爱并选择了某人，对方却离开你选择了别人，这种滋味糟透了。而眼睁睁看着一切发生——尤其当你们还在恋爱中，对方突然决定'其实我更喜欢别人，不想继续这段关系了，现在我要和那个人在一起'，这种即时切换的痛苦更是难以承受。

It is so normal and okay and rational to be so upset by this. It is so okay for this to be rocking your confidence and your self esteem. It doesn't matter if you're the most confident person on the planet. To be in love with somebody and to choose them, and then for them to leave you and choose someone else, it sucks. And to watch it all happen I mean, it's even worse when you're actively in a relationship, and then somebody decides, you know what?

当转变如此迅速时，带来的痛苦是极其剧烈的。明白吗？

There's actually someone else that I like even more. I'm not gonna be in this relationship anymore. I'm actually gonna go off with this person now. When the transition is that immediate, it's incredibly painful. Okay?

所以我想说的第一点是，这件事让你感到不安是完全正常的。这件事对你的自尊心造成负面影响并不是你的错。这很正常。几乎所有人，如果不是所有人的话，都会遇到这种情况。我不知道这个世界上是否有人不会因此感到难过。

So the first point I wanna make here is it's okay for this to be rattling you. It's not your fault that this is impacting your self esteem negatively. It's normal. And it would happen to almost anyone, if not anyone. I don't I don't know if there's anyone on this planet that wouldn't be upset by that.

我觉得很多时候，在这种时刻我们对自己特别苛刻。比如，如果我是个更自信的人，如果我的自尊心更强，这件事就不会动摇我。但生活中确实有些情况，这就是个很好的例子，几乎会让所有人都感到不安。这是非常痛苦的。

And I think a lot of times, we can be really hard on ourselves in moments like this. Like, if I was just a more confident person, if I just had a stronger self esteem, this wouldn't rock me. This wouldn't rattle me. But there are certain situations in life, this being a great example, that would rattle almost anyone. It's incredibly painful.

然而，现实是这与你个人毫无关系。我建议你这样想：想出五件你真正喜欢的东西。可以是食物。

However, the reality is this has nothing to do with you as a person. I encourage you to think of it like this. Okay? Think of five things that you really like. Could be food.

可以是衣服。可以是电影。可以是音乐。现在想想你生活中不太喜欢这些东西的某个人。

Could be clothes. Could be movies. Could be music. Now think of someone in your life who doesn't like those things as much. Okay?

假设你非常喜欢乡村音乐，但你姐姐讨厌乡村音乐。她只喜欢说唱音乐，而你又不太喜欢说唱。你们谁对谁错吗？不。那只是个人喜好不同。

Let's say you really like country music, but your sister hates country music. Your sister only likes rap music, and you don't really like rap music. Are either of you right or wrong? No. That's just your opinion.

乡村音乐比说唱音乐更好吗？不。说唱音乐比乡村音乐更好吗？不。我们在生活中都有不同的偏好。

Is country music better than rap music? No. Is rap music better than country music? No. We all have different preferences in life.

什么是最好的？什么适合我们是非常个人化的事情。这与事物本身的质量无关。再举个食物的例子：假设你很喜欢寿司，但你妈妈讨厌寿司。

What is the best? What is right for us is so deeply personal. It has nothing to do with the quality of the thing. Another example would be with food. Like, let's say you really like sushi, but your mom hates sushi.

那意味着寿司是不好的食物吗？不。寿司很美味，很多人都喜欢寿司。就像仅仅因为你不适合这个人，仅仅因为他们选择了别人，并不能说明你作为一个人有什么质量问题。这只能说明他在伴侣身上寻找什么。

Does that mean sushi is a bad food? No. Sushi's delicious, and so many people love sushi. Like, just because you weren't right for this person, just because they chose somebody else, doesn't really say anything about the quality of you as a person. It just speaks to what he's looking for in a partner.

仅仅因为你不是他想要的那种人，并不意味着你本身有什么问题。你没有任何问题。这其实根本与你无关。即使他离开你是因为你身上有他确实不喜欢的地方，也许甚至存在问题，也许有些方面你真的需要改进，即便如此，这仍然归结于他个人对于愿意忍受什么和不愿意忍受什么的偏好。比如，他和新女友也会有问题。

Just because you're not what he's looking for, doesn't mean that there's literally anything wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. This has nothing to do with you really at all. Even if he left you because there were things about you that he really didn't like, and maybe there are even problems, maybe there are things you really need to work on, even then, it still comes down to his personal preference in what he's willing to put up with and what he isn't willing to put up with. Like, he's gonna have issues with his new girlfriend as well.

每个人身上都有不完美的地方。没有人是完美的。所以这并不是针对个人的。虽然感觉上非常个人化。感觉就像，天啊。

Everybody has shit about them that is not perfect. Like, nobody's perfect. So it's not that personal. It feels so personal. It feels like, oh my god.

我破碎不堪。我不值得被爱。这个人比我更好。这就是为什么他和这个新的人在一起，因为这个人比我更好，这意味着我很糟糕。很容易就跳到这个结论，但这并不是事实的真相。

I'm broken. I'm unlovable. This person is better than me. That's why he's with with this new person because this person is better than me, which means I suck. Like, it's so easy to jump to that conclusion, but that is not the truth of the matter.

那是对这种情况的过度简化。所有人都有缺点。谁知道他为什么和你分手？可能是因为你的缺点，因为我们都有缺点。也可能只是因为不合适。

That's like a that's an oversimplification of what this situation is. All humans have flaws. Who knows why he broke up with you? It could be because of your flaws because we all have them. It could also have been just because it wasn't the right fit.

你知道吗？我不知道。你没有给我足够的细节。但无论如何，每个人都有缺点，每个人都有无法改变的内在特质。这就是人类的本质。

You know? I don't know. You didn't give me enough detail. But either way, everybody has flaws, and everybody has inherent traits that are just them, and and they can't be changed. That is the nature of human beings.

自然，这并不总是能完美契合。就是不会。这是生活中那些残酷的现实之一：有时候你就是不适合某个人。他们可能感觉是适合你的人，但这种感觉可能不是相互的。这他妈的很糟糕，当你看着他们和别人在一起时就更难受了。

And naturally, it's not always going to align perfectly. It's just not. And it is one of those harsh realities of life that sometimes you're just not gonna be the right person for somebody. And they might feel like the right person for you, but the feeling might not be mutual. And it fucking sucks, and it's even worse when you watch them go off with someone else.

这只是生活中那些痛苦但不可避免的部分之一。我认为最困难的部分是，你不能总是责怪你的伴侣，但你又想把责任归咎于某处。比如，你想说，哦，他们很刻薄或很邪恶，因为离开我去找别人，但其实不是。他们并不真的刻薄或邪恶。只是关系行不通，他们去找了别人。

It's just one of those painful but inevitable parts of life. And I think the hardest part about it too is that you can't always really blame your partner, but you wanna put blame somewhere. Like, you wanna be like, oh, they're mean or they're evil for leaving me to go with this other person, but it's like, no. They're not really mean or evil. It just wasn't working, and they went to somebody else.

只要他们处理得尊重你，你就不能真的责怪他们。约会就是这样运作的。所以我们常常把责任归咎于自己，这也不公平，因为很多时候并不是我们的错。只是不合适。再说，最坏的情况，也许你在关系中有一些做得不好的地方。

As long as they handled it respectfully, you can't really blame them. Like, that's just how dating works. So then we oftentimes put the blame on ourselves, and that's not really fair either because a lot of times, it's not really our fault. It just wasn't the right match. And, again, worst case scenario, maybe there were some things that you did in the relationship that weren't great.

这在每段关系中都会发生。关于如何度过这个阶段，我认为第一步是接受你现在的处境。接受这个事实让你感觉很糟糕。这没关系。不要生自己的气。

That's gonna happen in every relationship. When it comes to figuring out how to move through this, I would say the first step would be accept where you're at. Accept the fact that this is making you feel like shit. That's okay. Don't get mad at yourself.

承认这是度过这个不舒服、具有挑战性、令人沮丧的情况的正常部分。这完全是其中的一部分。感到沮丧是对你所处情况的自然、健康的反应。但然后让这种沮丧挑战你通过这个情况成长。对吧？

Acknowledge that this is a normal part of moving through this uncomfortable, challenging, upsetting situation. It's fully a part of it. Being upset is a natural, healthy response to what you're dealing with. But then let the upset challenge you to grow through this situation. Right?

不要屈服于沮丧。但自然会发生的是，在某个时刻，你会厌倦感到沮丧。你会想，我不能一直纠结于此。我需要向前迈进。那是一个令人兴奋的时刻，因为那是一个成长的机会。

Don't succumb to the upset. But naturally, what's gonna happen is at a certain point, you're gonna become sick of being upset. You're gonna be like, I can't just keep dwelling on this. Like, I need to move forward. And that's an exciting time because that's a growth opportunity.

好吗？当你开始对自己仍然感到沮丧而感到沮丧时，那就是你被邀请成长的时候。我认为这里的成长机会是，第一，你将被强迫在没有前任认可的情况下建立更强大的自尊和自信。你将被强迫向内看，问自己，我需要做什么才能让自己再次感到自信？这可能意味着在你的爱好上更加努力。

Okay? When you start to feel frustrated that you're still upset, that's when you're being invited to grow. And I think the growth opportunity here is, number one, you're gonna be forced to build an even stronger sense of self esteem and confidence without the validation of your ex. You're gonna be forced to look inward and say, what do I need to do to make myself feel confident again? And that might mean working extra hard on your hobbies.

这可能意味着要对他人更加慷慨。我不是说金钱上的慷慨，而是时间上的慷慨，比如对陌生人更友善地微笑等等。你将被迫以从未有过的方式建立自尊和自信，这是一种非常美好的成长。你还将被迫学会在这种情境下自我安抚，让自己正确看待这些事情。

That might mean being more generous with other people. And I'm not saying generous as in with, like, money, but, like, generous with your time, you know, maybe more generous with your kindness, with a smile to a stranger, whatever. You're gonna be forced to build your self esteem and your confidence in a way that you've never been pushed to grow before. And that's a beautiful, beautiful thing. And you'll also be forced to learn to self soothe in these types of situations, to put these types of situations into perspective for yourself.

你将被迫教会自己如何不陷入这种情绪的漩涡，通过正确看待事物，反复告诉自己：他不选择我并不代表我有问题。为了感觉更好，你必须在这两方面下功夫，这会让你成为一个更强大的人，一个情感上更成熟的人。这段经历将永远改变你。下一位说：我和前男友两个月前分手了，但因为朋友圈相同，我们每天都会见面，还一起学习。

You'll be forced to teach yourself how to not spiral about these types of things, by putting things into perspective, by telling yourself over and over again, just because I wasn't his thing doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me. Like, in order to feel better, you're gonna have to work on those two things, and that's gonna make you a stronger person moving forward. That's gonna make you a more evolved person emotionally. This experience is going to change you forever. Next, somebody said, my ex broke up with me two months ago, and we still see each other every day because we have the same friends, and we all study together.

有一次他约我吃饭，结果我们发生了关系，他还过夜了。现在这种情况每周发生两次。我并不觉得困扰，他说也是，但他变得特别黏人。我不知道该继续这样还是该停止。再说一次，我并不觉得困扰，反而感觉挺好的。

He asked me to have dinner one time, and then we ended up having sex, and he stayed over. And now this happens twice a week. It doesn't really bother me, and he says the same, but he's been very cuddly. I don't know if I should keep going on with this situation or if I should stop it. Again, it's not really bothering me, and it kinda makes me feel nice.

你怎么看？我觉得如果你们都能坦诚面对自己，确实不觉得困扰，并且都在沟通这种复杂状况。显然你们曾经在一起，然后分手，现在又处于半复合状态，这确实有点复杂对吧？

What do you think? I think if you're being honest with yourself and this genuinely isn't bothering you, and you both are communicating about the complexity of the situation. Obviously, you were together, then you weren't, and now you're kinda half together in a way. That's a bit complicated. Right?

只要你们都在沟通彼此的感受，并且都感觉良好，我又有什么资格阻止你们呢？不过说实话，我个人是处理不了这种情况的。我其实也经历过这种事，已经很久没玩这种游戏了。

As long as you both are communicating about how you're feeling about it and you both feel good about it, I mean, who am I to stop you? Listen. I personally wouldn't be able to handle this. I've actually done this before. It's been a while since I played this type of game.

我这辈子只玩过一次这种游戏，然后我就发誓再也不会了。因为对我个人而言，我以为自己能接受，但最终心理上受到了很大影响。当时觉得和前任保持亲密关系总比完全断绝来往好，这让我比彻底分手时感觉更好。但当我发现前任也在和别人约会，并且坚决不复合时，这种关系最终变得比完全断绝联系更痛苦。

I I played this type of game once, k, once in my life. Then I was like, I will never do this again. Because for me personally, I I thought I was okay with it, but it ended up really fucking with me psychologically because I I wasn't to me, it felt okay because kind of casually, like, hooking up with an ex was better than not being around them at all. Like, that made me feel better than when we were fully broken up. But then when I started finding out that my ex was, like, hooking up with other people, and when my ex stood really firm and, like, us not getting back together, eventually, that started to wear on me until it actually became more painful than us just not being together and having no contact.

这是我的经历，但我不能武断地告诉你不该走这条路。虽然最终对我造成了伤害，但我无法预测你的情况。也许你们这样相处完全没问题。

So that was my experience, but I can't tell you, like, no. Don't go down this path. It is automatically going to be detrimental to your to your mental health. Because even though it did that to me eventually, I I don't I can't say what's gonna happen with you. This might actually be fine.

最终你们可能会达成共识，觉得是时候各走各的路，各自开始新的恋情。这可能只是你们最终找到另一半之前的一段临时关系。或者谁知道呢？你们这样相处一段时间后也许会发现：也许我们应该重新在一起。

And, eventually, you might both come to the conclusion that, you know, like, maybe maybe it's time to go your separate ways, and then you guys go off and date new people. And it might be just a fun little situationship in the interim before you both go and ultimately find somebody else. Or who knows? You could do this for a while and then realize, you know what? Maybe we should just be together.

谁说得准呢？所以我的建议是：保持觉察。每次和前任互动时，都要留意自己的真实感受。

Like, who knows? I can't say. So my advice is just pay attention. Pay attention to how you're feeling about this on a case by case basis. Every time you do stuff with your ex, pay attention to how it makes you feel.

这会让你渴望复合吗？你对现状感到满足吗？你会因为不能复合而感到沮丧吗？要诚实地面对自己的感受。当你开始觉得不对劲时...

Does it make you yearn to be back together? Do you feel satisfied with how it is? Do you feel frustrated that you're not just back together already? Like, pay attention to how you're feeling and be honest with yourself. If it starts to get to a point where you're like, wait.

我开始生气我们不只是约会关系。或者当你开始觉得，这让我感觉自己被利用了。或者当你开始觉得，我对自己感觉不太好，因为我的前任想在我身边，想拥抱，想亲热，但不想和我约会。这让我对自己感觉不好。如果你开始对你的前任产生占有欲，等等。

I'm getting angry that we're not just dating. Or if you start to get to a point where you're like, this is actually making me feel kinda used. Or if you start to get to a point where you're like, I feel kinda bad about myself because my ex wants to be around me, wants to cuddle, wants to hook up, but doesn't wanna date me. That makes me feel bad about myself. If you start to feel territorial over your ex, wait.

你知道，我喜欢我们现在这样，但如果他们去和别人亲热，那真的会让我很不安。如果你开始对缺乏界限感到焦虑。如果这些感觉和想法开始悄悄出现，对自己诚实一点。不要推开它们。直面它们，和你的前任谈一谈，说，听着。

You know, I I like what we're doing here, but if they go and hook up with somebody else, like, that's gonna really upset me. If you start getting anxious about the lack of boundaries. If these feelings and thoughts start to creep in, be honest with yourself. Don't push them away. Address them head on, and have a conversation with your ex, and be like, listen.

这就是我的感受。我们需要弄清楚该怎么做。要么不再亲热，要么可能复合，这样我们可以有一些准则和忠诚，因为也许这是你开始渴望的东西。我不知道。我无法预测这会如何发展，因为它可能有一百种不同的方向，但我认为你只需要对自己诚实，面对你的感受和它们的变化。

This is how I'm feeling. We need to figure out what we gotta do. Either not hook up anymore or maybe get back together so that we can have some guidelines and some loyalty because maybe that's something that you're gonna start craving. I don't know. I I can't predict how this goes because it could go in a 100 different directions, but I think you just need to be really honest with yourself about how you're feeling and how your feelings are changing.

因为现在，这对你来说可能没问题，但一个月后，你可能会开始感觉不同，你需要注意到这一点。因为如果你不这样做，那么它可能会变成比必要更令人沮丧的事情，并且也可能导致你和你的前任之间巨大的裂痕，这听起来会很复杂，因为你的前任在你的朋友圈里。你们一起学习。你们经常见面。理想情况下，你希望尽可能保持这段关系的健康。

Because right now, this might be fine for you, but in a month, you might start to feel differently, and you need to pay attention to that. Because if you don't, then it can turn into something that's much more upsetting than it needs to be, and it could also cause a huge falling out between you and your ex, which it sounds like would be complicated because your ex is in your friend group. You guys all study together. You see each other all the time. Ideally, you wanna keep this relationship as healthy as possible.

所以你必须密切关注自己。你在情感上玩一种有点危险的游戏。它可能完全没问题，但可能很快变糟。所以我真的会密切关注它。而且，尽可能多地，保持你和你的前任之间关于你对这种不寻常情况的感受的开放对话。

And so you have to pay close attention to yourself. You are playing a kind of a dangerous game emotionally a little bit. It might be totally fine, but it can go sour quickly. So I would just really keep a close eye on it. And also, as much as you can, keep an open dialogue between you and your ex about how you're feeling about this sort of unusual situation.

你知道吗？现在你处于一种‘情境关系’（situationship），如果你愿意这么说的话。这有点复杂。你明白我的意思吗？我认为情境关系通常很复杂，但我觉得和前任在一起更复杂。

You know? Now you're in a situationship, if you will. It's a bit complicated. You know what I mean? I think situationships in general are complicated, but I think they're even more complicated with an ex.

如果你和一个你从未有过任何其他类型关系的人处于情境关系中，那是一回事。因为你们一起知道的唯一界限和规则就是你们在情境关系中创造的界限和规则，这通常相当随意和宽松。对吧？情境关系的本质是我们不约会。我们只是有时亲热，而且我们可以和别人亲热。

It's one thing if you're in a situationship with somebody that you've never been in any other type of relationship with. Because the only boundaries and rules that you know together are the boundaries and rules that you've created in the situationship, which is usually pretty casual and pretty loose. Right? The nature of a situationship is we're not dating. We just hook up sometimes, and we can hook up with other people.

我们不约会。没有标签。就是这样。即使和一个你从未有过任何其他类型关系的人这样做仍然很复杂。和前任在一起就更复杂了。

We're not dating. No label. That's what that is. It's still complicated to do that with somebody that you've never had any other type of relationship with. It's even more complicated with an ex.

因为在某个时刻，你们确实有非常严格的规则和界限，而现在你们没有了。我认为回到过去，拥有更少的准则、规则和界限，比从一开始就这样，就像正常的情境关系一样，要更难。倒退是非常困难的。这在心理上可能非常具有挑战性和令人困惑。与你的前任保持一种松散的关系，然后看着他们去和别人亲热，或者发现他们和别人亲热了，比和一个你从未与他们有过那么深联系的情境关系相比，要更具挑战性。

Because at one point, you did have very strict rules and boundaries, and now you don't. I think it's harder to go back and have less guidelines and rules and boundaries than it is to just start that way as it is with a normal situationship. It's very hard to go backwards. It can be really psychologically challenging and confusing. It's much more challenging to be in a loose relationship with your ex and then watch them go hook up with somebody else or find out that they hooked up with somebody else than it is with a situationship where you never had that deep of a bond with them.

你从未有过那种情况。那会稍微不那么残酷。所以只是要小心，对自己诚实。我简短地打断这一集，告诉你这一集由 hotels.com 赞助。好的。

You've never had that. It's a bit less brutal. So just be careful and be honest with yourself. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by hotels.com. Okay.

我要告诉你一个小秘密。Hotels.com能帮你升级度假体验。如果你免费注册——我得补充一句——你可以在精选酒店享受高达20%的折扣。没错，最高20%的优惠。

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Hotels.com could help you level up your vacation. So if you sign up for free, I might add, you save up to 20% on select hotels. Yep. Up to 20%.

这可是实打实省回口袋的真金白银，意味着你可以尽情享受按摩、客房服务，以及那些让旅程变得格外特别的小惊喜。立即前往hotels.com预订吧。现在回到节目。有人说：我的前任想复合。我还爱着他，但感觉和以前不一样了。

That's actual real money back in your pocket, which means yes to massages, yes to room service, yes to those little extras that make a trip feel extra special. Head to hotels.com to book now. Now back to the episode. Somebody said, my ex wants to get back together. I still love him, but it also doesn't feel the same as it used to.

我该如何做决定？理想情况下，本来就不该和从前一样——既然你们已经分手，说明之前出了问题，对吧？那为什么要回到过去呢？你们啊...（我说‘你们’这个词，可我根本不是德州人）

How do I make my decision? Well, ideally, it shouldn't feel how it used to because if you are not dating your ex anymore, that means that something went wrong. Okay? So why would you wanna go back to that? Y'all me saying y'all, fully not from Texas.

你们...我也不知道为什么会说‘你们’。这完全没道理啊！我是在哪儿学来的？我一辈子都住在加州，根本没人说‘你们’这个词。我也不听乡村音乐——除了凯茜·马斯格雷夫斯。这很明显。

Y'all I don't I do say y'all sometimes, and it makes no sense. Like, where did I pick that up? I fully have lived in California my whole life. No one's saying y'all, and I don't listen to country music except for Casey Mossgraves. Obviously.

很明显。总之，不知道‘你们’这词哪儿来的。但话说回来，为什么要回到一段最终失败的关系呢？理想情况下，如果你们选择再给彼此一次机会，这次的感觉应该有所不同。必须有所不同。

Obviously. Anyway, don't know where the y'all came from. But, yeah, why would you wanna go back to something that ultimately didn't work? Ideally, this next time around, if you choose to give it another chance, would feel different. It has to feel different.

否则结局只会重演。也有可能你说的‘不同’是指魔力消失了。你知道，当你初次爱上某人时那种神奇的感觉？仿佛被爱意填满，那就是蜜月期，对吧？

Otherwise, it'll end the same way. Now there's a chance that what you're talking about is the magic is different. You know, when you first fall in love with somebody, and it just feels magical? Like, you just feel almost filled with love, and it's the honeymoon phase. Right?

刚开始恋爱时总是充满激情。但这种感觉最终会自然消退，因为那本质上是一种幻觉状态。大脑因为新鲜感和兴奋感释放大量化学物质，但最终会恢复正常——毕竟两个人浪漫相处的现实不可能永远充满魔力。最终现实会降临：我们需要每天选择相爱，需要为彼此做出牺牲。

When you first get into a relationship with somebody, it feels electric. And then eventually, that dissipates naturally because that's kind of a delusional state of being. Your brain is releasing all these chemicals because it's exciting and it's new, But eventually, that wears off because the reality of two people being together romantically it's not gonna be magical forever. Reality sets in eventually, and it's like, okay. We're in a relationship when we have to choose to love each other every day, and we have to make sacrifices for one another.

现实和挑战总会到来，对吧？所以当你觉得这次感觉不同，很可能是因为你们不是在开启全新恋情，而是在重拾一段已经度过蜜月期的关系。你们之间已经建立了更成熟的联结。

Like, the reality and the challenges set in. Right? So there's a chance that when you say that it doesn't feel the same this time around, it's because you're not starting a brand new relationship. You're revisiting a relationship that already went through the honeymoon phase. You both have established a connection and a relationship that is more developed.

自然不会有初次相遇时那种爱欲迸发的蜜月期体验。因为你们早已跨越那个阶段。重归于好并不意味着抹去过去——你们已经经历过蜜月期了。如果复合，或许会有类似蜜月期的感觉。

So you're not gonna have the same honeymoon phase explosion of love and lust like you did in the beginning when you very first met. It's just not gonna happen because you've already surpassed that. And just because you're revisiting it doesn't mean that you erase the past that you've had. You already had the honeymoon phase. If you both get back together, you might have, like, a semi honeymoon phase maybe.

我的意思是，听着，也许呢？没什么是不可能的。你们复合后说不定会迎来全新的蜜月期。但我觉得可能性不大，因为你们已经深知彼此相处的现实。

I mean, listen. Maybe hey. Nothing's impossible. You might end up getting back together and having a full brand new honeymoon phase. But I would say that's probably unlikely because you already know the reality of being in a relationship together.

所以我认为回去的感觉可能不同，因为你已经经历过一次了。你不会再有当初第一次见面、刚开始约会时的那种兴奋感。我个人认为，如果你爱他，如果你想再试一次，如果你觉得这次可能会不一样——也许是因为你们都成长了，也许是因为你们现在处于人生的不同阶段。如果你觉得由于分开期间发生的事情，这次有可能比上次更成功，我认为没有理由不再试一次。如果你们仍然彼此相爱，并且你觉得这次有可能更好，为什么不呢？

So I think it feels different going back to it perhaps because you've already done this before. You're not gonna get that exciting feeling that you got when you first when you first met and you first started dating. I personally think if you love him, if you wanna try it again, if you think that this time could be different, perhaps because both of you have grown, perhaps because both of you are in a different place in your life now. If you think this time around has the potential to be more successful than the last time due to things that have happened during your time apart, I think there's no reason not to try it again. If you both still love each other, and you think that there's a chance that this time could be better, why not?

为什么不呢？我绝对相信'对的人，错的时间'。我认为有时候我们会遇到一个实际上很适合我们的人，但也许我们需要先多做一些自我成长，才能真正安定下来并承诺。谁知道呢？我相信这一点。

Why not? I absolutely believe in right person, wrong time. I think sometimes we meet somebody who who is actually quite good for us, but maybe we need to do a bit more of work on ourselves before we actually settle down and and commit. Like, who knows? I believe in that.

我认为这绝对可能发生。这可能就是你们现在的情况。我说试试看吧。如果你们仍然彼此相爱，为什么不呢？我认为唯一我可能会说你不要再试的情况是，如果你内心深处知道，你们俩从根本上永远无法在一起。

I think that absolutely can happen. That could be what's going on here. I say give it a try. If you both love each other still, why not? I think the only scenario in which I would say maybe you don't wanna try it again is if in your heart of hearts, you know deep down that you both fundamentally will never work together.

好吗？比如说，你们的道德和价值观不一致。比如说，你们的家人相处不来，或者也许他们沟通能力极差，你甚至无法与他们沟通，简直不可能。如果你内心深处知道有一个根本问题永远无法解决，它就是那样，你知道再试一次也不会改变任何事情，是的，也许重新跳进去没有意义。但如果你觉得有可能事情会不同，你不会再次陷入现在分手的境地，如果你觉得下一次可能会不一样，并且你真心相信这一点，对自己诚实，我说就去试试吧。

Okay? Let's say your morals and values don't align. Let's say, you know, your families don't get along, or maybe they're a terrible communicator, and you just can't even like, communicating with them is, like, absolutely impossible. If you know deep down that there's a fundamental issue that will never be fixed, it's just the way that it is, and you know that trying it again won't change anything, yeah, maybe it doesn't make sense to to jump back into it. But if you think that there's a chance that things could be different, and you won't end up in the same spot that you're in now where you're broken up, If if you think this next time could go differently, and you genuinely believe that, and you're being honest with yourself, I say go for it.

接下来，有人说，我正在经历我的第一次分手，而他似乎完全没事。与此同时，我崩溃了。我该如何度过？看到他对此如此冷静，我很受伤。事实是，你根本不知道他正在经历什么。

Next, somebody said, I'm going through my first breakup, and he seems totally fine. Meanwhile, I'm crashing out. How do I get through it? It hurts to see him so chill about it all. The truth is you have no idea what he's going through.

完全不知道。我可以向你保证这一点。反过来也一样。比如，他也不知道你怎么样。我的意思是，除非你在Instagram上发帖哭诉分手，我怀疑你不会这么做。

No idea at all. I can guarantee you that. And the same goes the other way. Like, he has no idea how you're doing. I mean, unless you're, like, posting on your Instagram crying about the breakup, which I doubt you're doing.

如果你正在这样做，也许…也许不要。也许不要那样做，因为私下处理可能更好。我的意思是，听着，你可以在互联网上发布任何你想发布的内容。我有什么资格评判？我可能自己也分享了相当多的私事。

And if you are doing that, maybe maybe don't. Maybe don't do that because that's maybe better to to do privately. I mean, listen, you can post whatever you want on the Internet. Who am I to judge? I probably do my I I do my own fair share of oversharing.

实际上，没有。我确实有点过度分享，但我有自己的限度。比如，我不会发布自己为此哭泣的照片，然后说‘我正在经历分手，我好难过’。我没有在动态里发过。

Actually, no. I overshare a little bit, but I have my limits. Like, I'm not gonna be posing myself crying about it and be like, I'm going through a breakup. I'm so sad. I didn't post on story.

我不那样做。而且我认为那样做不好。我认为我们应该保留那些。我们应该自己处理。你明白我的意思吗？

I I don't do that. And I don't think it's good to do that. I think we should keep that. We should just deal with that on our own. You know what I mean?

我们不需要别人的意见。我们不需要人们在动态上滑上来评论。最好我们自己处理。但是，无论如何，你的前任很可能也不知道你怎么样。比如，你的前任可能晚上躺在床上，盯着天花板，心碎地以为你恢复得太从容了。

We don't need other people's opinion. We don't need people sliding up on the story and and commenting on that. It's better to deal with that on our own. But, anyway, there's a good chance that your ex has no idea how you're doing either. Like, your ex might be laying in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, heartbroken, thinking that you recovered way too gracefully.

这就是分手的本质。一旦分手，你们就不再联系了。如果碰巧遇到或在社交媒体上看到，你只能看到表面现象。但我们期待什么呢？难道期待前任整天郁郁寡欢吗？

Like, that's just the nature of breakups. Once you break up, you're not in contact anymore. You just get to see what's on the surface if you see them around or you see them on social media. But like, what do we expect? Do we expect our ex to be like moping around all the time?

我的意思是，这不现实。几乎每个人分手后都能他妈的重整旗鼓，你知道，和朋友出去玩，开怀大笑。悲伤都是后知后觉的。你根本不知道你的前任正在经历什么。而妄加揣测只会让这件事变得比原本更痛苦。

I mean, that's unrealistic. Like, almost anyone after a breakup can fucking get their shit together and, you know, go out with friends, and like, have a laugh. And then the sadness comes later. You have no clue what your ex is going through. And to assume it is to just make this more painful than it needs to be.

如果你和前任有过一段真正深厚的感情，他们很可能也在以某种方式承受着痛苦。但最坏的情况是，你的前任正无缝衔接地度过这一切。这次分手对他们来说很轻松。这太糟了。这会让我们自我感觉很差，因为显然，我们渴望被怀念。

If you had a real deep relationship with your ex, chances are they are hurting in one way or another. But also, worst case scenario, your ex is getting through this seamlessly. This breakup has been easy for them. That sucks. It makes us feel like shit about ourselves because, obviously, we wanna be missed.

我们希望前任想念我们，为分手夜夜哭泣。但正如我之前所说，我们不可能符合每个人的口味。真的不可能。说实话，我亲身经历过。我的意思是，我经历过很多次，感觉就像我们刚分手，第二天我的前任就，怎么说呢，玩得很嗨。

We want our exes to miss us and cry every single night about the breakup. But as I said earlier, we're not gonna be everyone's cup of tea. We're just not. I've actually experienced this, to be honest. I mean, I've experienced this many times where it just felt like my ex literally, we broke up, and immediately, the next day, my ex was, like, vibing.

你懂我的意思吗？我通过小道消息听说，我的前任过得很潇洒。这种事在我身上发生了不止一次。说实话，我认为我给的建议和我们讨论第一个问题时一样。这就是那种让你感觉不公平的事情之一。

You know what I mean? And I was hearing through the grapevine, my ex is vibing. Like, this has happened to me multiple times. And honestly, I think my advice is the same about this as it is about the first question that we went through. This is one of those things that just feels unfair.

它就是令人痛苦。这就是现实。它就是糟透了。分手是不公平的。它们糟透了，而且令人心碎。

It's just painful. That's just the reality of it. It just sucks. Breakups are unfair. They suck, and they're heartbreaking.

感到难过是可以的。你比你的前任更难过也没关系，即使你并不真正确定事实是否如此。但即使情况确实如此，为你自己更难过而感到难过也是可以的。所有这些都是对一件本就痛苦且有时不公平的事情的正常反应。但在某个时刻，你会厌倦为所有这些事难过，然后它就会成为一个成长的机会，永远地改变你。

And it's okay to be upset. It's okay to be more upset than your ex, even though you don't really know that for sure. But even if that is the case, it's okay to be upset that you're more upset. All of this is a normal reaction to something that naturally is just painful and at times unfair. But at a certain point, you're gonna become sick of being upset about all this, and then it's a growth opportunity that will change you forever.

度过这一切将迫使你建立自尊和自信，并以一种比以往任何时候都更强大、更少依赖他人的方式去建立。你将被迫以一种前所未有的方式从内心寻找力量。你将被迫客观看待事物，进行自我安抚。你将被迫学会在深夜盯着天花板、情绪失控时如何让自己平静下来。在某个时刻，你会厌倦这种情绪失控的状态，然后想，我，我需要停止这样做。

Getting through this will force you to build your self esteem and your confidence and build it in a way that's stronger than it's ever been before, less reliant on others than it's ever been before. You're gonna be forced to find it within in a way that you've never been forced to do before. You're gonna be forced to put things into perspective to self soothe. You're gonna be forced to learn how to talk yourself down late at night when you're staring at the ceiling, spiraling. At a certain point, you're gonna get sick of spiraling and be like, I I need to stop doing this.

所以你将学会客观看待事物。你将学会退后一步说，好吧。等等。我其实并不知道我的前任过得怎么样。而最坏的情况是，他过得比我好。

And so you're gonna learn to put things into perspective. You're gonna learn to step back and say, okay. Wait. I don't really know how my ex is doing. And worst case scenario, he's doing better than me.

你猜怎么着？那也没关系。那与我这个人、我的本质毫无关系。也许那只意味着我是一个更敏感的人，而做一个敏感的人是一件美好的事。也许那只意味着我比我的前任对这段关系投入得更多。

And guess what? That's okay. That has nothing to do with me as a person, who I am as a person. Maybe that just means I'm a more sensitive person, and being a sensitive person is a beautiful thing. Maybe that just means that I was more invested in this relationship than my ex was.

也许我比我的前任更准备好进入一段关系，这就是为什么这件事对我的伤害比对他们更大。但能够处于准备好进入一段关系的状态是多么美好。这是一个美好的位置，情感上足够开放去经营一段关系。你会学会安抚自己，这是另一个很棒的能力。这是一个成长的机会。

Maybe I'm more ready to be in a relationship than my ex was, and that's why this is hurting me worse than it's hurting them. But how beautiful it is to be in a place where you're ready to be in a relationship. That's a beautiful place to be, to be emotionally available enough to be in a relationship. You'll learn to talk yourself down, and that's another wonderful skill to have. This is a growth opportunity.

我认为如果你这样看待它，会让你感觉好一些。但同时，为此感到一点沮丧也没关系。我觉得这是一种普遍的经历，经历分手时会想：等等，为什么我的前任过得这么好？他们应该躺在床上哭喊、心碎才对。为什么他们能外出活动、面带微笑？

And I think if you look at it like that, it can make you feel better. But also, it's okay to be bummed about it a little bit. We like, I think this is a universal experience of going through a breakup and being like, wait, why is my ex, like, thriving? They should be crying and screaming in their bed, like, heartbroken. Why are they, like, out and, like, doing stuff and, like, smiling?

这太糟糕了，确实很糟糕，为此感到沮丧是可以的。但在某个时刻，它会促使你成长，这是一件美好的事。最后但同样重要的是，有人说：我和前任在同一个朋友圈里。

Like, what? It sucks. It sucks, and it's okay to be frustrated by it. But at a certain point, it'll invite you to grow, and that's a beautiful thing. Last but not least, somebody said, my ex and I are in the same friend group.

我们怎样才能做朋友而不尴尬，不让这个圈子散掉？我不想失去我的朋友。这很棘手，因为肯定会有点尴尬，尤其是在开始时。因为现在你们正在建立一种新的关系，对吧？

How can we be friends without it being awkward and having the group fall apart? I don't wanna lose my friends. This is tough because it's definitely going to be a little bit awkward, especially in the beginning. Because now you're building a new sort of relationship. Right?

你们之前有过非常具体、非常深入、非常亲密的关系，而现在你们又退回到朋友关系。这很笨拙，很尴尬，很奇怪，也很令人困惑。

You had a very specific, very deep, very intimate relationship before, and now you're going backwards in your friends again. It's clunky. It's awkward. It's weird. It's confusing.

我认为关键在于专注于与你前任建立友谊。专注于塑造和磨合这种新的关系。不要回避它。如果你们在同一个朋友圈却互相回避，那才会让事情变得尴尬，才会产生紧张气氛。

I think the key is to focus on building your friendship with your ex. Focus on shaping and molding this new relationship with your ex. Don't avoid it. If you're in a friend group together and you're just avoiding one another, that's when shit gets awkward. That's when there's tension.

如果你们要同在一個朋友圈，就需要弄清楚你们现在的友谊是什么样的，这意味着在朋友圈之外也要努力经营。我建议，老实说，也许每月一次单独见面喝杯咖啡，一起摸索如何做朋友。以柏拉图式的方式单独相处，聊聊你们双方都在经历的复杂情绪，在这段尴尬时期互相支持。

If you're gonna be in this friend group together, you need to figure out what your friendship looks like now, and that means working on it outside of your friend group. I would suggest, honestly, hanging out maybe once a month, one on one grabbing a coffee and just figuring out how to be friends. Hang out one on one platonically. Talk through the complicated emotions that you both are feeling. Lean on each other through this awkward time.

明白我的意思吗？就像团队合作一样。一起努力，一起解决问题。我认为这是最好的方式。

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, teamwork. Work on it together. Figure it out together. And I think that's the best way to do it.

如果你们都互相回避，回避这种尴尬的局面，反而会让它更尴尬、更奇怪。因为你们不沟通了，而你们曾经习惯非常开放的沟通方式，因为你们曾经交往过。现在却变成了零沟通，我不知道...

If you're both avoiding each other and avoiding this awkward situation, it makes it more awkward. It makes it weirder. So suddenly, you know, because you're not communicating and you're used to having a very open sort of communication because you were dating at one point. Now you're going to no communication. I don't know.

你们可能会开始误解对方，开始对事情过于个人化。当缺乏沟通并且存在回避时，双方都可能开始对友谊和关系的条款感到困惑，这可能会滋生...是满足感吗？实际上是蔑视（contempt）。

You can start to read each other wrong. You can start to take things personally. When there's a lack of communication and there's avoidance, both parties can start to grow confused about the terms of the friendship and the relationship, and it can breed contentment. Is that the word? Contemptment, actually.

是contemptment吗？好吧。最终，contemptment并不是一个单词。我讨厌这种情况。有时候我会用某个词，然后想，我刚刚用对了吗？

Is it contemptment? Okay. So ultimately, contemptment is not a word. I hate when this happens. Sometimes I'll, like, use a word, and I'm like, did I just use that right?

然后我会去谷歌搜索，发现是对的。我就会想，太好了。看我多厉害。但今天不是这种情况。

And I'll Google it, and it's right. And I'm like, yes. Yes. Like, look at me go. And then but today was not one of those times.

Contentment是一个词，指的是幸福和满足的状态。Contemptment。他们会产生轻蔑（contempt）。懂了吗？我本来是想说contempt。

Contentment is a word, and that's a state of happiness and satisfaction. Contemptment. They can breed contempt. Okay? I meant to say contempt.

如果沟通不当，就可能产生轻蔑。愤怒、误解、缺乏联系会让事情感觉更糟。所以这就是我的建议。听着，这可能会有点尴尬，会很有挑战性。

If you're not communicating properly, there can be contempt. Anger, misunderstanding, the lack of connection can make things just feel worse. So that would be my advice. And listen, it's gonna be a little awkward. It's gonna be challenging.

会很奇怪。有时可能甚至令人心碎，因为显然，通过和前男友一起玩和聊天，你就像在不断地重新揭开伤口。但我认为，如果你的目标是保持朋友关系并继续在这个团体中相处，这是必须做的。你们之间必须建立非常开放、稳固的沟通渠道，这样才能有良好的理解，每个人都感到被倾听，每个人的情绪都被考虑到，你们才能真正共同努力达到一个不再尴尬和奇怪的良好状态。因为我认为如果你们真的共同努力，并且都致力于此，你们可以达到一个非常好的状态。

It's gonna be weird. It might be kinda heartbreaking at times because, obviously, you're, like, constantly reopening a wound with your ex by, like, hanging out and and talking to them. But I think, ultimately, if your if your goal is to remain friends and be in this group together, it's what must be done. You have to have a really open, solid line of communication between one another so that you have a good understanding, and everybody feels listened to and everybody's emotions are being considered, and you can actually work together to get to a good place where it's not awkward and it's not weird anymore. Because I do think if you really work hard on it together and you both are dedicated to do so, you can get to a really good place, I think.

但这需要团队合作。总之，这就是我今天所有的建议。希望这些建议有帮助。希望你们能有所保留地听取。因为听着，尽管我是真心为你们好才给出建议，但我不认识你们。

But it just takes teamwork. Anyway, that's all the advice I got today. I hope it was helpful. I hope you took it with a grain of salt. Because listen, even though I I give you advice with your best interest at heart, I don't know you.

我不了解你们的生活，所以我只能尽力而为。你们应该有所保留地听取，因为只有你们自己能为自己做出正确的决定。《建议环节》新集每两周的周日播出。所以如果喜欢这个环节，请每两周的周日收听新集。《Anything Goes》新集每周四和周日发布，你可以在任何收听播客的地方收听。

I don't know your life, so I can only do my best. And you should take it with a grain of salt because only you can make the right decision for you. New episodes of advice session every other Sunday. So if you enjoyed this, tune in every other Sunday for a new advice session. New episodes of Anything Goes come out every Thursday and Sunday, and you can stream literally anywhere you get your podcasts.

不过，如果想看视频版，可以在YouTube和Spotify上观看。《Anything Goes》在网络上无处不在，搜索Anything Goes。我在网络上无处不在，搜索Emma Chamberlain，我的咖啡公司在现实世界和网络上都有，搜索Chamberlain Coffee。爱你们所有人。感谢你们所有人。

However, if you wanna watch video, that is on YouTube and Spotify. Anything Goes is on the Internet everywhere at Anything Goes. I'm on the Internet, everywhere at Emma Chamberlain, and my coffee company is in the world and on the Internet at Chamberlain Coffee. I love you all. I appreciate you all.

总是很享受和你们在一起的时光。真的。我喉咙很痛，声音听起来沙哑无力。我很惊讶这期节目中没有更多破音，所以谢谢你们听我沙哑干燥的嗓音。这个周末我去徒步旅行，严重脱水，现在我的喉咙全搞砸了。

It's always a joy to hang out. It really is. And I have a really sore throat, and my throat sounds gravelly and kind of weak. I'm surprised I didn't have more voice cracks in this episode, so thank you for listening to my gravelly, dry throat. I went on a hike this weekend and got really dehydrated, and now my throat is all fucked up.

所以，也许我再给你们一个建议。下次你们尝试进行九英里左右的徒步时，也许不要只带一个40盎司的Hydro Flask水壶。那不够。你需要更多水，特别是天气热的时候。现在我的喉咙感觉像有很多纸割伤口，所以也许要准备得比我好一些。

So, anyway, little maybe I'll give you one more piece of advice. Next time you try to go on, like, a nine mile hike, maybe bring more than just, like, one Hydro Flask of water, 40 ounces. It's not enough. You need more, especially if it's hot out. Now my throat feels like it has a bunch of paper cuts in it, So maybe prepare better than I did.

好的。就到这里吧。我爱你们所有人。我感谢你们所有人，几天后我会再和你们聊。再见。

Okay. That's all. I love you all. I appreciate you all, and I will talk to you in a few days. Bye.