我想我终于明白如何休息了

我所有的特质似乎都让我难以休息。

It feels like every single trait that I have makes me adverse to rest.

对我来说，休息是非常困难的。

Resting is incredibly challenging for me.

我知道你们很多人在想什么。

And I know what a lot of you are thinking.

艾玛，休息对你来说哪里难呢？

Emma, how is resting hard for you?

休息的本意是轻松、放松，你甚至不需要刻意去做。

The whole point of rest is that it's easy, that it's relaxing, that you don't even have to try.

它就是很简单。

It's just easy.

这是你能做的最轻松的事。

It's it's the easiest thing you can do.

这就是休息。

It's rest.

这对你来说怎么会难呢？

Like, how could that be hard for you?

听我说。

Listen.

我也问过自己同样的问题。

I ask myself the same thing.

但当我内省时，这就说得通了。

But when I look inward, it makes a lot of sense.

我天生就不适合休息。

I'm just not built to rest.

我身体的每一根纤维都渴望行动、渴望做事、渴望掌控、渴望过度思考。

Every fiber of my being wants to move, wants to do things, wants to control, wants to overthink.

这就是我的本性。

This is just who I am.

说实话，这其实很合理，因为我妈妈比我还要严重。

And to be honest, it makes a lot of sense because my mom is even worse than me.

她比我还要爱管闲事。

She is even more of a busybody than I am.

她总是忙个不停。

She's constantly doing something.

不过，仔细想想，随着她年纪增长，她学会了一点点休息。

Now that I think about it, though, as she's gotten older, she's learned to rest a bit more.

但我提到我妈妈，是想说明这可能是遗传的。

But my point of bringing my mom into this is that it seems it might be genetic.

每当我谈到自己这种爱管闲事、控制欲强、追求完美的方面时，我总是有点犹豫，因为我知道这听起来有点像谦虚地炫耀。

Whenever I talk about this side of myself, this sort of busybody control freak perfectionist side of myself, I'm always a bit hesitant because I know that it can come off as sort of a humble brag in a way.

你们知道吗，我真的控制不住自己。

Like, you guys, I just can't help it.

我之所以能完成这么多事，就是因为我是这么爱管闲事。

I just get so much done because I'm just such a busybody.

我真是个怪人。

I'm such a freak.

我完成的事情非常多。

I get so much done.

我就是特别有生产力。

I'm just so productive.

我知道这听起来可能像这样，但事实并非如此，这并不是在炫耀。

I know that it can come off that way, but the truth is is that it's not a flex.

以这种方式生活会不会有一些好处呢？

Are there maybe some benefits to being this way?

当然有。

Sure.

但我认为，归根结底，这种方式并不令人愉快。

But I think, ultimately, it is not a pleasant way of life.

我觉得它经常导致倦怠，所以这种生产力实际上并没有表面上看起来那么高效，如果这么说你能理解的话。

I think it leads to burnout so frequently that the productivity is actually not as productive as it seems, if that makes sense.

说实话，我觉得我最终完成的事情，并不比那些没有我这种特质的人更多。

Like, I actually don't think I end up getting any more done than somebody who maybe doesn't possess the traits that I have.

不同的是，我总是因为担心自己必须不断做事而压力巨大，结果在压力甚至近乎绝望的驱使下，一次性做太多事。

The difference being I'm so stressed about, you know, constantly doing things that I end up doing too much in a burst of energy coming from a place of stress and almost like desperation.

然后我把自己累垮，以至于什么都做不了，这又让我感到非常糟糕，接着进入一段糟糕的休息期，不断自责、内疚，诸如此类。

Then I exhaust myself to the point where I can't do anything, and then that makes me feel so terrible that then I have a terrible phase of restfulness where I'm beating myself up, feeling guilty, blah blah blah.

最终，我又勉强攒够一点能量，再来一次爆发，然后再次耗尽，循环就此继续。

And eventually, I muster up just enough energy for another burst, and then I get burnt out again, and the cycle continues.

所以这并不是在炫耀。

So it's not a flex.

我认为，这是我最大的挑战之一。

It's one of my greatest challenges, I think.

我先短暂打断一下这一集，告诉大家本集由Venmo赞助。

I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Venmo.

好吧。

Okay.

听我说完。

Hear me out.

据说，你可以用你的Venmo借记卡赚取现金返还。

Apparently, you can earn cash back with your Venmo debit card.

你只需要加入Venmo Stash，然后在你最喜欢的商家购物时就能获得现金返还。

All you have to do is join Venmo Stash, and boom, you get cash back when you shop at your favorite brands.

这简直是个超棒的福利。

It's kind of an awesome flex.

通过Venmo Stash，你在最爱的商家消费最高可获得5%的现金返还。

With Venmo Stash, you can get up to 5% cash back at your fave brands.

只需选择一组你常去的商家，用你的Venmo借记卡消费，就能获得现金返还。

Just pick a bundle of your go tos to shop with your Venmo debit card and earn cash back at them.

而且你可以自由搭配调整。

And you're free to mix things up.

你可以每30天轻松更换你选择的商家组合。

You can easily swap out your bundle of brands every thirty days.

多使用Stash，立即开始赚取返现。

Start earning when you do more with Stash.

Venmo Stash 的条款和例外情况适用。

Venmo Stash terms and exclusions apply.

每月最高可获得 100 美元现金返还。

Max a $100 cash back per month.

详情请见 venmo.me/stashterms。

See terms at venmo.me/stashterms.

回到本集内容。

Back to the episode.

让我们深入聊聊我这个人。

Let's dive into me as a person.

让我们剖析一下我，让你明白为什么休息对我来说这么难。

Let's dissect me so that you can understand why rest is so hard for me.

明白吗？

Okay?

首先，我非常焦虑，而且是个爱过度思考的人。

To start, I am very anxious, and I'm an overthinker.

明白吗？

Okay?

这就是我的本性。

This is just who I am.

但焦虑和过度思考让休息变得非常困难，因为你知道一个焦虑的过度思考者在休息时会做什么吗？

But being anxious and being an overthinker makes rest really challenging because you know what an anxious overthinker does when they're resting?

他们会反复思虑。

They ruminate.

他们会过度思考。

They overthink.

他们会过度分析。

They overanalyze.

他们有时间陷入对某件事的恶性循环。

They have the time to spiral about something.

所以我不禁想，我是不是某种程度上对休息有一种恐惧，因为我会想：哦，如果我休息了，我的思绪就会失控。

So part of me wonders if I sort of have a fear of rest in a way because I'm like, oh, if I rest, like, I know my my mind will run amok.

我会产生不愉快的想法。

I'm gonna have unpleasant thoughts.

而如果我让自己保持忙碌和活跃，我就不会有太多时间或精力去沉溺于那些令人不适、痛苦、非理性的想法。

Whereas if I keep myself distracted and active, I won't have as much time or energy to indulge in those uncomfortable, painful, irrational thoughts.

我觉得我很多过度活跃的行为其实是一种回应，某种程度上也是一种防御机制，或者也不完全是防御机制。

I think a lot of my sort of overactiveness is a response and perhaps a defense mechanism in a way or not a defense mechanism.

嗯，算是一种防御机制吧。

Well, yeah, a defense mechanism.

这是一种逃避焦虑和过度思考的方式。

It's a distraction from anxiety and overthinking.

听我说，我一直在努力练习正念，以帮助缓解我的焦虑和过度思考，但这个过程还在继续。

Listen, I'm constantly working on my mindfulness to help with my anxiety and my overthinking, but the journey is ongoing.

你知道的。

You know?

我还没有完全想明白。

I do not have it all figured out.

在我的生活中，有时一想到要休息并任由这些想法涌现，我就觉得实在承受不了。

And there are times in my life where the thought of resting and and allowing those thoughts to come in, it's just too much for me.

我就是觉得，现在我真的应付不了。

And I'm like, I just can't handle it right now.

我生活中还有太多其他事情在发生。

There's too many other things going on in my life.

我现在真的不想静下来面对自己的思绪。

Like, I don't wanna sit with my thoughts right now.

我应付不了。

I can't handle it.

我知道这些想法不会是积极的，所以我只能让自己忙起来、分散注意力，以免不得不面对我的焦虑和那些容易过度思考的事情。

I know that they're not gonna be good, and so I'm just gonna keep myself busy and distracted so that I don't have to deal with my anxieties and the things that I could overthink.

我下一个特质是，我是个完美主义者。

The next trait that I have is that I'm a perfectionist.

我很少感到满意。

I am rarely satisfied.

我生活的每一个方面都还有更多可以做得更好的地方。

There's always more that could be done in every single category of my life.

工作、我自己、我的个人成长，甚至我的身体状况都是如此。

Work, myself, like my personal self, like my even, like, my, like, my physical being even.

比如家务、所有的事情。

You know, chores around the house, everything.

对我来说，没有什么是真正完美的。

Nothing is ever perfect to me.

有时我会陷入完美主义，相信一个我正在追求、并认为自己能够达到的完美标准。

And there are times when I get wrapped up in my perfectionism, and I believe the myth that there is a sort of perfect that I'm striving for that I could reach.

因此，我潜意识里一直带着这种对完美的执念，而自己却并未完全意识到。

And so I'm working with this idea of perfection in my subconscious that I'm not even fully aware of.

如果我把这个念头带到意识层面，我会意识到：哦，等等。

And if I were to bring it to the forefront of my mind, I would realize, oh, wait.

我可能应该比现在更早停下来。

I probably should stop sooner than I am.

对吧？

Right?

我或许应该允许自己更早地认为事情已经完成，这样我才能休息并享受劳动的成果。

I probably should allow myself to consider things to be complete sooner so that I can rest and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

但我的默认状态是永远不满足，总觉得事情还不够完美，总需要更多工作，让我陷入一种待办事项永远做不完的状态。

But my default is to never be satisfied for things to never be quite right, for things to always require more work, putting me in a state where I'm the the to do list never ends.

对吧？

Right?

当你处于这种状态时，就会觉得：我没法休息。

And when you're existing in a state like that, it's like, well, I can't rest.

我的待办清单还没做完。

My to do list is not done.

但如果你是个完美主义者，就会觉得，是啊，待办清单永远不会结束。

But if you're a perfectionist, it's like, yeah, well, the to do list never ends.

这并不健康。

And that's not healthy.

我知道这一点。

And I know that.

我也是一个控制狂。

I'm also a control freak.

我觉得控制狂和完美主义者是密不可分的。

I think the control freak and the perfectionist go hand in hand.

我也认为这和焦虑是息息相关的。

And I also think that goes hand in hand with the anxiety.

对吧？

Right?

我就是想掌控生活中的一切，因为这让我感到安心。

It's like, wanna feel in control of everything in my life because it's soothing for me.

因为焦虑源于缺乏控制感，至少对我而言是这样。

Because anxiety stems from a lack of control, at least for me.

所以我把生活中的一切都控制到一种不健康的程度——至少在当下，这能缓解一些焦虑，因为我感觉一切都在掌控之中。

And so controlling everything in my life to a point that's unhealthy, at least in the moment, helps relieve some anxiety because I feel in control of things.

我觉得他们不会离开我。

I don't feel like they'll get away from me.

我觉得他们不会从我身边逃走。

I don't feel like they'll run away from me.

我确实从中获得了很多慰藉。

I do find a lot of solace.

就好像，我通过当一个控制狂来获得暂时的安慰。

It's like well, I find temporary solace in being a control freak.

这是一种即时的满足。

It's instant gratification.

在当下，当我掌控一切我能掌控的事情时，它给我带来一种平静感。

In the moment, when I'm controlling everything I can, it brings me a sense of peace.

但长期来看，它让我精疲力尽。

But long term, it exhausts me.

我也觉得，完美主义可能就是控制狂，或者说，完美主义和控制狂其实是同一回事。

I also think too that being a perfectionist is I mean, maybe being a perfectionist and being a control freak are the same thing.

对我来说，把事情做到尽善尽美能给我一种掌控感，因为我觉得只要我做得完美，就什么都不会出错，这能缓解我的焦虑。

To me, making things as perfect as they can possibly be gives me a sense of control because it makes me feel like nothing can go wrong if I do a perfect job, which then relieves my anxiety.

这是一张令人作呕的地狱之网。

It's this disgusting web of hell.

不。

No.

让我说得温和一点。

Let me be more gentle.

但这确实是一张令人作呕的网。

It's but it is this disgusting web.

好的。

Okay.

我们会把‘地狱’这个词去掉，但在我心里，这确实是一张令人作呕的网。

We'll take hell out of this, but it is a disgusting web in my mind.

那是一张充满混乱的、病态的、交织在一起的网。

A sick fucking web of just chaos in there, and it all intertwines.

如果我要给你一个符号来解释我的大脑是什么样子，我会给你看一张软木板，上面钉满了各种图片和奇怪的随机小物件，用许多红线将它们全部连接起来，就像一个侦探在破案一样。

If I had to provide a symbol for you that could explain to you what my brain looks like, the picture that I would show you would be it would be like a corkboard with a bunch of pictures and weird little random things pinned to it with a bunch of red string connecting it all like a detective.

我的大脑就是这样。

That's how my brain is.

它就像这样，也许每个人的脑瓜都是这样，但我的大脑却莫名其妙地变成了一张复杂的混乱网络，因为我又不是在破案。

It's this, like and maybe everybody's brain is like that, but my brain is like this complicated web of chaos for no reason because I'm not solving a crime.

你知道的。

You know?

我又不是侦探。

I'm not a detective.

它没必要变成这样。

It doesn't need to be like that.

我梦想着一个像整齐文件柜一样的大脑。

Like, I dream of a brain that looks like an organized file cabinet.

天啊。

My god.

与我现在的状态相比，这种运作方式真是美妙极了。

What a beautiful way of of functioning compared to what I'm doing.

就像电影里，当你看到一个人试图通过挂满线索的板子来破解谜题时，他们通常状态都不太好。

Like in movies, when when you see, like, a person trying to solve a mystery with all these with, you know, with a board like that in front of them, they're usually not in a good place.

你明白我的意思吗？

Do you know what I'm saying?

他们的头发乱得一塌糊涂。

Their hair is all fucked up.

他们焦头烂额地试图破解一个谜团。

They're, like, beside themselves trying to solve a mystery.

你知道吧？

You know?

如果你在电影里看到一个神态自若的侦探，头发梳得整整齐齐，穿着一身干练的西装，我跟你说。

If you see a detective in a movie that has their shit together, they got a slick back bun, and they're wearing a power suit, I'll tell you.

他们的档案都整齐地收在柜子里。

Their files are in a cabinet.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

这其实很有象征意义。

Like, it's it's very symbolic.

好了，言归正传。

Anyway, moving on.

我觉得焦虑、过度思考、完美主义和控制欲本质上都是一回事。

I think the anxiety, the overthinking, the perfectionism, and the control freak is all kind of one in the same.

它们紧密相连。

It's very connected.

但我也是一个深受冒名顶替综合症困扰的人。

But I'm also somebody who struggles with impostor syndrome.

我真的很难觉得自己配得上生活中拥有的一切。

Like, I really struggle to feel like I've earned what I have in my life.

你懂的？

You know?

从我还是个孩子的时候，我就有这种感觉。

And I felt this way since I was a kid.

比如，在学校里，我成绩很好，因为我非常努力，但我还是觉得自己很笨。

Like, I feel like even in school, I would get good grades because I worked really hard, but I still felt dumb.

我觉得自己太笨了，不配拥有这样的成绩。

I was like, I feel like I'm too dumb to have the grades that I have.

我觉得我不配得A。

I feel like I don't deserve to have an A.

我觉得自己不知怎么地骗了所有人，让他们以为我……其实也不是骗了所有人。

I feel like I somehow tricked everyone into thinking that I well, it's not even tricked everyone into thinking.

我会觉得自己不知怎么地蒙混过关，拿到了好成绩，而我其实根本不配得到这个好成绩。

I would feel like I feel like I somehow tricked my way into getting a good grade on the test, and I don't actually deserve the good grade on the test.

我甚至没作弊，却好像作弊了一样。

I've somehow cheated without even cheating.

我这辈子从来没有在考试中作弊过。

I've never cheated on a test in my life.

我一直以来都努力学习和工作，做了所有需要做的事来达成目标。

I've always studied and worked hard and done what I needed to to make it happen.

但即便如此，我仍然总觉得是自己作弊了。

And and still, even then, I somehow always feel like I cheated.

作为一名成年人，在我的职业生涯中，我也一直有这种感觉。

And I feel like that as an adult in my career.

我总是觉得自己是个冒牌货，不配拥有我现在的一切，觉得自己不够努力，你知道吗？

I'm like, I constantly feel like an impostor, that I don't deserve what I have, that I haven't worked hard enough, that you know?

而且，这又加剧了我性格中的另一面：我无法休息，因为我觉得自己不配拥有现在的一切，所以不能放假，因为我还没赚到这个假期。

And, again, that adds to this sort of side of my side where I can't rest because it's like I don't deserve what I have, so I I can't take a day off because I haven't earned it.

即使我已经赚到了，我也说服自己说我其实并没有。

Even if I have, I've convinced myself that I haven't earned it.

最后但同样重要的是，这不太像是个人性格特质，而是我们当前文化的一种状态。

And last but not least, this is less of a personal personality trait, but this is just kind of the state of our current culture.

我和你们中的许多人一样，都是努力文化下的受害者。

I, as with many of you, am a victim of hustle culture.

好吧？

Okay?

我不认为我们在社会层面上已经达到了努力文化巅峰的状态。

I wouldn't say that we're at a point societally where hustle cult culture is peaking anymore.

我觉得它几年前就达到顶峰了，但如今依然普遍存在。

Like, I feel like it peaked a few years ago, but it's still definitely prevalent.

根据互联网的说法，努力文化让人们陷入一种观念：持续工作、高效产出和自我优化是衡量个人价值的终极标准。

Hustle culture, according to the Internet, plagues people with the mindset that constant work, productivity, and self optimization are the ultimate measures of worth.

尽管我相信努力文化是有毒的，但我自己仍然被它所俘获。

And despite my belief that hustle culture is toxic, I find myself captured by it anyway.

它似乎已经深深植根于我们的文化中，以至于很难保持清醒的视角，忘记它其实是有害的。

It's so ingrained in our culture, it seems, that it's very hard to keep perspective and to remember that it's toxic.

而且我觉得，努力文化在我人生一个关键阶段达到顶峰，你知道吗？那时我年轻，正在摸索自己的工作态度和如何建立工作伦理。

And I think too, hustle culture peaked a few years ago in a pivotal moment in my life, you know what I mean, where I was young and trying to figure out my work ethic and how to have a work ethic.

在我这段探索过程中，我从互联网上接触到的所有媒体，其潜台词都来自努力文化。

And while I was on that journey, all of the media that I consumed on the Internet, the undertone of it all was coming from hustle culture.

你知道吧？

You know?

我知道我知道它有毒。

And I know I know that it's toxic.

我知道它并不有益。

I know that it's not conducive.

相信 hustle 文化，我的意思是，听好了。

Like, believing in hustle culture, believing in I mean, listen.

这很难，因为高效和自律这些东西本身是好的。

It's it's tough because, like, being productive and having discipline and all these things are good.

但我认为 hustle 文化的问题在于它太过极端。

But I think the problem with hustle culture is that it's too extreme.

在 hustle 文化中，完全没有放松和心灵滋养的空间。

There is no room for relaxation and and soulfulness in hustle culture.

它完全把我们人类存在的目的等同于把事情搞定。

It's very much like our purpose as human beings is to get shit done.

我知道那是不对的。

And I know that it's not true.

我知道这很有害，但有时它还是会悄悄渗透进来。

I know that it's toxic, but it just sometimes it creeps in anyway.

所以可以说，我天生就不适合休息。

And so it's safe to say that I am not built for rest.

而且更重要的是，我们所处的时代并不重视、也不推崇休息。

And on top of that, we are not living in a time where rest is valued, where it's celebrated.

休息并不被认可。

Rest is not.

休息不流行。

It is not in.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I'm saying?

现在流行的是当一台高效生产的机器。

What's in is being a productive machine.

所以我即使知道真相，依然难以好好休息。

So I struggle with rest even though I know the truth.

我知道休息有多重要，也会给别人提供如何休息的建议。

I know how important rest is, and I'll give people advice about how to rest.

我对休息的重要性有着深刻的理解，因此很乐意告诉别人该如何以及为何要休息。

I I have such a deep understanding of the importance of rest that I feel comfortable giving people advice on how and why they should rest.

明明知道该如何做一件事，却做不到，这真是令人困惑。

It's a very perplexing thing to know exactly how to do something, but to not be able to do it.

我认为我最大的困扰是无法真正有效地休息。

I think my greatest struggle is effectively resting.

我们可能在做某件事时，以为自己在休息，但实际上并没有。

We can be doing something and thinking that we're resting, but we're not.

那么，什么是有效的休息呢？

Because what is effective rest?

要让休息真正有效，它必须是真正令人放松的。

In order for rest to be effective, it has to actually be restful.

你必须真正从休息中恢复过来。

You have to actually come out the other side rested.

否则，这不算休息。

Otherwise, it's not rest.

这只是别的东西。

It's something else.

根据互联网的说法，有效的休息是指真正能让你的身心和创造力得到恢复的休息，让你回到工作或生活中时感到焕然一新，而不是精疲力尽。

Effective rest, according to the Internet, is rest that actually rejuvenates your mind, body, and creativity so you return to work or life feeling refreshed rather than drained.

听好了。

Listen.

我偶尔也能请一天假，但我很难在那天真正有效地休息。

I can take a day off every once in a while, but I I struggle to take that day off and use it effectively.

这就是我的问题。

That's my issue.

我可以强迫自己这么做，但当我给自己留出休息空间时，真正好好利用它的情况却非常罕见。

I can force myself to do that, but it's very rare that upon giving myself the space to rest that I actually use it properly.

让我跟你分享一些有效休息的例子。

Let me share with you some examples of effective rest.

好吗？

Okay?

精神上的休息，比如冥想或写日记。

Mental rest, like meditation or journaling.

身体上的休息，比如小睡或轻柔的瑜伽。

Physical rest, like napping or gentle yoga.

乐趣型休息，比如和朋友一起绘画或演奏乐器（如果你会演奏的话）。

Fun rest, like painting or playing instruments with your friends, if you know how to play instruments.

社交型休息，比如和朋友聊天，或者如果你感到社交疲惫，就独处一段时间。

Social rest, like talking to a friend or doing the opposite if you're feeling socially exhausted and having some time by yourself.

感官休息，比如在大自然中安静地待一会儿，或者进行数字排毒，不使用任何电子设备。

Sensory rest, like spending quiet time in nature or doing a digital detox and not going on any devices.

并且在没有负罪感的情况下完全投入休息，让休息真正变得愉快和放松。

And doing all without guilt, fully succumbing to the rest, and allowing it to be truly enjoyable and truly restful.

假期期间，我决定是时候了。

Over the holidays, I decided it was time.

我需要给自己安排两周的有效休息。

I needed to give myself two weeks of effective rest.

这早就该做了。

It's long overdue.

我感到极度疲惫。

I'm feeling incredibly burnt out.

我感到情感上极度耗竭。

I'm feeling incredibly emotionally exhausted.

我已经很久没有真正休息过了。

I've not effectively rested in a very long time.

我会利用这两周，真的好好休息。

I'm gonna take these two weeks, and I'm really going to do it.

情况很严重。

It's dire.

因为我根本不会休息。

Because I'm so bad at resting.

对吧？

Right?

我总是处于即将崩溃或已经崩溃的状态。

Like, I'm constantly either on the verge of burning out or burned out.

而且除此之外，我还在经历分手。

And on top of that, I'm going through a breakup.

是的。

Yeah.

已经几个月了，但情况似乎越来越糟。

It's been a few months, but it it almost seems to be getting worse.

你懂我的意思吧？

You know what I mean?

嗯，不懂。

Well, no.

它会经历不同的阶段，但这不是一条线性的道路。

It goes through phases, but it's not a linear journey.

对吧？

Right?

在假期前，不知为什么，我在分手这件事上特别挣扎。

And so right before the holidays, for whatever reason, I was particularly struggling with my breakup.

而且，我还感到精疲力尽，情绪耗竭。

And on top of that, I was feeling burnt out and emotionally exhausted.

我真的很需要休息。

It was just like I needed rest so bad.

我当时状态很差。

I was not in a good place.

我根本开心不起来。

I was not a happy camper.

我知道，假期对我来说必须是有效休息和恢复的时刻，因为我的状态真的很不好。

I knew that the holidays needed to be a time of effective rest and rejuvenation for me because I was not in a good place.

但不幸的是，假期结束后，我感觉比放假前更加疲惫，简直难以置信地更加疲惫。

Well, unfortunately for me, I came out of my holiday break feeling, you won't believe it, even more exhausted, even more exhausted than I did going into it.

这到底是怎么发生的？

How did this happen?

我没有力气有效地休息。

I didn't have it in me to rest effectively.

我知道自己休息的方式不对，但还是这么做了。

I knew I was resting wrong, but I did it anyway.

你想知道我那两周本该用来休息和恢复的假期是怎么度过的吗？

You wanna know how I spent my two weeks of of what I wanted to be rest and rejuvenation?

我整天在刷YouTube短视频，脑子都快烂了。

I spent it brain rotting.

我真没骗你。

I kid you not.

我整个假期都在刷YouTube短视频。

I spent my entire holiday break on YouTube shorts scrolling.

除此之外，我还勉强完成了最起码的事情。

Did I I I got my bare minimum done in addition to that.

你知道的。

You know?

比如，我花时间陪伴朋友和家人，这在一定程度上是令人愉快的。

Like, I spent time with friends and family, which was enjoyable to an extent.

你知道，我继续锻炼身体。

You know, I continued to exercise.

你知道的。

You know?

我坚持了护肤流程。

I did my skincare routine.

并不是说我除了刷短视频什么都没做。

Like, it's not like all I ever did was was brain rot.

但在每一个空闲时刻，我都在刷YouTube短视频。

But in every single free moment, I was on YouTube shorts.

每一个没有被其他事情占据的分钟，都被它填满了。

Every single minute that didn't get filled by something else, it was filled with that.

这导致了强烈的内疚感。

And this led to an immense feeling of guilt.

你知道吗？

You know?

我知道自己在错误地使用休息时间，但我就是提不起劲儿。

I knew I was using my resting time incorrectly, but I just did not have it in me.

我没有足够的自控力去做别的事情。

I didn't have the self control to do anything else.

这有点像一个悖论。

It's sort of a paradox.

要想真正有效地休息，你实际上需要保留一点精力。

In order to rest effectively, you actually do need to have a little bit of energy left in the tank.

因为要有效休息，你确实需要一点自律，不去做那些对你有害的事，不让自己彻底沉溺于有害的消遣中。

Because to rest effectively, you do have to use a little discipline not to do things that are bad for you, not to just melt away into toxic distractions.

比如，刷YouTube短视频会让我的大脑受损，但这是最省力的选择。

Like, brain rotting on YouTube Shorts does bad things to my brain, but it's the easiest option.

这是最容易得到的，而且是绝佳的逃避方式。

It's the lowest hanging fruit, and it's a phenomenal distraction.

当我刷YouTube短视频时，我的大脑会完全停止运转。

My brain literally completely shuts off when I'm watching YouTube Shorts.

这基本上就像刷TikTok。

It's basically like watching it's like watching TikTok.

只是算法没那么有毒而已。

It's just the algorithm's a little bit less toxic.

这是短视频内容。

It's short form content.

它用大量噪音填满你的大脑，让你什么都感受不到。

It's filling your brain with so much noise that you can't feel a thing.

这很棒。

It's great.

这简直让人麻木。

It's absolutely numbing.

暂时来看很不错，但从长远来看其实并不好。

It's wonderful for the time being, but it actually isn't good long term.

你知道的。

You know?

从长远来看，它会让你对自身的想法、感受和情绪变得麻木。

Long term, it numbs you to your to your thoughts and feelings and emotions.

它会让你的大脑处于焦虑和过度活跃的状态。

It puts your brain in an anxious, overactive state.

它会让你的大脑陷入一片混乱的状态。

It puts your brain in, like, a jumbled mess sort of state.

对吧？

Right?

我知道。

I know that.

你知道的。

You know that.

我们都知道。

We all know that.

但因为它最容易做到，所以在有空闲、想做什么就做什么的时刻，除非你还有点精力、有点余力保持自律，否则很容易忍不住刷手机。

But because it's the lowest hanging fruit, in a moment of rest when there's space to do whatever you wanna do, it can be tempting to just scroll unless you have a little bit of energy, a little bit of gas left in the tank to have discipline enough to not do that.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I'm saying?

这个矛盾在于，我需要自律才能好好休息。

The paradox is I need discipline to rest properly.

我不需要很多自律，但需要一点点自律。

I don't need a lot of discipline, but I need just a little discipline.

但由于我长期处于倦怠、疲惫、内疚和羞愧的状态，当我终于允许自己休息时，我已经什么都没剩了。

But because I'm in this perpetual state of burnout and exhaustion and guilt and shame, by the time that I do allow myself to rest, I have nothing left in the tank.

对吧？

Right?

对我来说，休息总是在低谷时到来。

Rest for me comes at a low point.

也就是说，我别无选择。

Like, I have no choice.

我必须现在就休息。

It's like I have to rest right now.

我完全耗尽了。

Like, I I'm I'm completely depleted.

但正因为我完全耗尽了，所以休息得无效，因为我缺少那一点点必要的自律来有效休息。

But then because I'm completely depleted, I rest ineffectively because I don't have that little little drop of discipline I need to rest effectively.

于是我就无效地休息，这不仅让我更加内疚和羞愧，因为我明知自己在做错事，而且休息完后我依然感觉没恢复，接着又带着几乎没油的油箱回到工作或其他事情上，勉强撑上两三周，直到再次跌入低谷。

So then I rest ineffectively, which not only causes more guilt and shame because I know I'm doing the wrong thing, but also then I come out of my phase of rest not feeling rested, then leading me to get back to work or whatever with, like, a tank that maybe has one drop of gas in it to, like, keep me going for the next two weeks or so until I then barely and then I hit another low point.

听我说。

Listen.

我知道这听起来很夸张，但我不总是这样。

I know that this sounds dramatic, and this isn't how I exist all the time.

我的生活中有一些阶段，我能很好地控制自己的焦虑。

There are phases of my life where I have my anxiety under control.

我能很好地控制自己的完美主义。

I have my perfectionism under control.

我在日常生活中确实能找到工作与放松之间的平衡。

I do find balance in my routine between, you know, work and relaxation.

这并不是我生活中一直持续的状态。

Like, this is not a constant state of life for me.

因此，有时我在这方面状态很好。

And so there are times where I'm in a good place with it.

但也有一些时候，我状态不好。

There are also times where I'm not.

最近，我发现自己又陷入了那种状态。

And recently, I found myself in a place where I was not.

我想，经历分手也需要很大的自律和心理韧性。

I think too, going through my breakup kinda takes a lot of discipline to go through a breakup, takes a lot of mental strength.

我注意到，至少对我而言，这段分手经历让我深受震动，我将大量心理能量都投入到应对分手及其伴随的挑战中，导致我平时需要时刻留意、保持控制的那些方面全都乱了套。

And I noticed, at least with me, the breakup kind of rattled me in such a way that I was putting so much of my mental energy towards dealing with the breakup and the challenges that come with that, that a lot of the things that I have to be mindful about with myself to keep under control ended up kind of going awry.

所以我的焦虑失控了。

So my anxiety kind of got out of control.

我的完美主义也失控了。

My perfectionism kind of got out of control.

我那种控制欲强的性格也失控了。

My control freak nature kind of got out of control.

我的冒名顶替综合症，其实分手本身就容易触发人们内心的这些情绪。

My imposter syndrome, it's like going through a breakup will trigger those things anyway in people.

但因为我天生就更容易经历这些情绪，所以我觉得我陷得比一般人更深，甚至更深。

But because I'm somebody who naturally, I'm predisposed to experiencing those things anyway, it's like, I feel like I fell into it worse than like, even worse.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

那真是一团乱麻。

It was quite it was quite the jumbled mess.

本集由eBay赞助播出。

This episode is brought to you by eBay.

我们每个人都有那么一件东西。

We all have that one piece.

你知道我说的是哪一件。

You know the one.

那件东西如此代表你，你几乎因此而闻名。

The thing that's so you, you've basically become known for it.

如果你还没找到，你能在eBay上找到它。

And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay.

让我来告诉你们，朋友们。

Let me put you on, people.

eBay是你找到那些独一无二、让人不断研究、夜不能寐、反复梦到的单品的地方。

EBay is where you'll find those one of a kind, can't stop researching, stay up dreaming about pieces again and again.

我说的是你一直盯上的那件秀场红色皮夹克，带牛仔图案的潮流上衣，或者2017年款的那件简约抓绒衣。

I'm talking about that off the runway red leather bomber that you've had your eye on, the trendy top with the cowboy on it, or that sleek fleece from the 2017 colorway.

所有这些宝贝都在eBay上。

All of these finds are on eBay.

他们甚至提供数百万件主角单品，并附有正品保障。

They even offer millions of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee.

eBay是寻找二手和复古时尚的好地方。

EBay is the place for pre loved and vintage fashion.

eBay，人们热爱的物品。

EBay, things people love.

现在回到节目本身。

Now back to the episode.

如果我要总结一下，我会说，由于我的性格，我本来就很难放松。

If I had to summarize it, I would say, due to the type of person I am, it's already hard for me to rest.

为了真正有效地休息，我必须与自己保持高度一致。

And in order for me to rest effectively, I have to really be in sync with myself.

即使我状态不错，也总是站在悬崖边缘。

Even when I'm in a good place, I'm still always on the edge of a cliff.