成年后如何交朋友

大约从17岁到现在，我一直在学习如何成为一个成年人。对我来说，17岁是个起点，因为我完成了学业，开始工作。我进入了真实的世界，承担起了真正的责任。这段经历非常不可思议。我热爱从童年到成年的这种转变。

From approximately age 17 until now, I've been sort of learning how to be an adult. It started at 17 for me because I finished school, and I started working. I was in the real world, and I had real responsibilities. And it's been an incredible experience. Like, I've loved the transition from childhood to adulthood.

这是我迄今为止生活中最具挑战性的阶段之一，但也是最充实的阶段之一。因为作为一个孩子，不成熟真的很累人。比如缺乏社交技巧、情商不高、不知道如何处理事情，大脑中没有足够的信息储备，这些都让人精疲力尽。成长和获得智慧带来了极大的平静感。这非常美妙，尽管有时也会痛苦。

It's been one of the most challenging phases of my life thus far, but also one of the most rewarding. Because being a child, being immature is really exhausting. Like, not having social skills, not having emotional intelligence, not knowing how to handle things, like, not having an archive of information in your brain is really exhausting. There's so much peace that comes with growing up and gaining wisdom. It's so wonderful, and it is painful at times.

成长过程中肯定会有阵痛，但现在24岁的我认为最艰难的阶段已经过去，我的大脑发育到一定程度，感觉像是‘好了’。我还有很多要学，但已经掌握了足够多，现在可以享受成熟的果实了。不过从童年到成年的这段旅程中确实遇到了一些有趣的挑战。其中最令人困惑的就是成年后交朋友，因为这和童年时交朋友非常不同。我稍作打断，告诉大家本期《Anything Goes》由沃尔玛赞助播出。

There are definitely growing pains, but I'm at the point now at age 24 where, like, I think the worst of it is over, and my brain has developed enough now where it's like, alright. I still have a lot to learn, but I have enough figured out that I'm now able to sort of bask in the fruits of my maturity, I guess. But I will say there have been some interesting challenges on this journey from childhood to adulthood. And one of the most confusing has been making friends as an adult because it's very different than making friends as a child. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Walmart.

当然，从季节上看现在还是夏天，但心理上我已经开始考虑秋季时尚了。你知道谁能帮你升级秋季衣橱吗？沃尔玛。沃尔玛有你所需的所有单品。

Sure. Technically, it's still summer, but mentally, I'm already starting to think about fall fashion. And you know who has everything to upgrade your fall wardrobe? Walmart. Walmart has all the pieces you could ever need.

我们说的是摘苹果时穿的舒适毛衣，刻南瓜时穿的休闲基本款。还有酷炫的运动鞋、可爱的靴子，而且价格实惠。在walmart.com/shop/women's-trends选购秋季潮流新品。网址是walmart.com/shop/women's-trends。现在回到节目。

We're talking about cozy sweaters for apple picking, casual staples for carving pumpkins. We're talking about cool sneakers, cute boots, and the price is right. Shop major fall trends and new drops at walmart.com/shop/women's-trends. That's walmart.com/shop/women's-trends. Now back to the episode.

你在很小的时候，甚至两岁左右，就开始学习如何交朋友。比如去公园时，父母会说‘嘿，去和那个孩子聊聊’。在你还不太会说话时，他们就会让你邀请别的孩子参加生日派对。这是我们最早学会的事情之一——如何交朋友。

You learn how to make friends at a very young age, as young as two years old. You know, you go to the park, and your parents are like, hey. Go talk to that kid. You should invite this kid to your birthday party before you can even really talk. It's like one of the first things we learn how to do, how to make friends.

小时候交朋友和成年后交朋友非常不同。这几乎像是要重新学习一切，很有挑战性。从童年到成年，学习全新的事物反而可能更容易，因为你是从零开始。明白吗？

And making friends when you're a kid is very different to making friends when you're an adult. And it's almost like you have to relearn everything, which is challenging. It's almost easier in the transition from childhood to adulthood to learn something brand new. You're starting from scratch. You know?

比起学习新事物，将你熟悉和了解的东西解构再重构反而更难。这特别具有挑战性，过去几年在从不成熟的友谊过渡到成熟的友谊时，我深有体会。我说‘不成熟’时并不是贬义，而是字面意思。那时我确实是个孩子，而现在我确实是个成年人了。

It's almost harder to take something that you know and you understand and you're familiar with and then to deconstruct it and reconstruct it. It's particularly challenging, and I had that experience over the last few years in the change from having immature friendships to mature friendships. And when I'm saying the word immature, I'm not using it as a derogatory term. I mean immature in a literal sense. Like, I was actually a kid, whereas now I'm actually an adult.

因此我的友谊自然也更成熟了。但至少对我来说，这个转变过程很有挑战性。不过现在我感觉自己终于明白了，开窍了。成年后交朋友这项技能，我现在已经非常得心应手。

And so my friendships are naturally more mature. But the transition, at least for me, has been challenging. But I feel like I'm finally at a place now where I get it. It's clicked. And now making friends as an adult is a skill that I feel really comfortable with.

我已经掌握了诀窍，但这是一段旅程。所以今天我想聊聊成年后交朋友的挑战。听着，从不成熟的友谊到成熟的友谊，每个人经历这个转变的时间不同，有些人甚至从未转变。我见过一些成年人还陷在类似高中时期那种有毒的朋友圈里。

I have it figured out, but it's been a journey. And so today, I wanna talk about the challenges of making friends as an adult. And listen, the transition from immature to mature friendships happens to everybody at different times. Sometimes it never happens. You know, I I've seen full on adults in toxic high school esque sort of friend groups.

他们在那个领域实际上从未真正成熟过。这很遗憾，因为尽管在很多方面，成年后交朋友确实更具挑战性，但我认为成年后建立的友谊有可能以一种不成熟的友谊永远无法达到的方式变得非常美好。有些你在童年学到的东西会伴随并影响你的一生。比如，你可能会在年轻时被教导职业道德、纪律等品质，而这些品质你不需要先遗忘再重新学习。

They never actually matured in that area. And that's unfortunate because I do think even though in a lot of ways, it is sort of more challenging to make friends as an adult, I think the friendships that you make as an adult have the potential to be so wonderful in a way that immature friendships never really can be. There are certain things that you learn when you're a kid that remain the same and remain true for the rest of your life. Like, for example, you know, you might be taught as a young person work ethic, discipline, things like that. And those things, you don't really have to unlearn and then relearn.

举例来说，年轻时你可能通过努力学习、投身运动或爱好来理解纪律。当你进入职场后，这项技能本质上是相同的——这是个非常自然的过渡。但友谊则不然，它截然不同。孩童时期，你的交友范围受限于父母每天送你去的地方，基本上只有学校和课外活动。

Like, for example, when you're young, you might learn about discipline through working hard at school and dedicating yourself to a sport or a hobby. And when you transition into your work life, that skill is sort of the same. It's a very seamless transition, whereas friendship is not. It's so different. When you're a kid, your pool of friend options are limited to where your parents drop you off every day, which is pretty much just school and extracurricular activities.

这种限制也有其好处，因为这些社区有固定的生活节奏和熟悉的环境，你不得不每天见到相同的人，自然就会发展出友谊。但这完全不受你控制——你只是被放入这些社区，被迫在既定环境中成长。某种程度上，这或许教会我们...我不确定该怎么说，也许不是要我们勉强接受不够充实的友谊，但这种情况确实会发生。

And this can be helpful because there's a built in routine and familiarity with these communities, and you're sort of forced to see the same people every day, which naturally develops friendship. But it's out of your control. You're just put into these communities and forced to bloom where you're planted. And I think that in some ways can teach us I don't know. In a way, maybe I don't wanna say settle for friendship that isn't truly fulfilling, but I do think that that does happen.

当我回顾学生时代的朋友圈时，说实话，我觉得他们并非我的完美契合。这并非在贬低曾经的朋友们。但离开校园后，许多这样的友谊逐渐淡化，我想这是因为在那个有限的人群中，他们可能已是最佳选择。而放眼现实世界，我们其实并不合适。成年后，当整个世界都成为你的交友选项，当你可以自主接触任何社群时，你才有机会找到真正契合的朋友。

Like, when I look back at my school years and I look back at my groups of friends, to be honest, I don't think they were the perfect match for me. And that that is not me saying anything mean about the people I was friends with. But once I left school, a lot of those friendships dwindled, and I think that's because they were maybe the best match for me in that pool of people. But in the real world, they're actually not a good match for me. When when you take the entire world as an option for your friends, like when you're an adult and you can expose yourself to any community you want, you have more options, and thus you can find friends that are the perfect match for you.

这确实成为可能，因为机会是无限的。而在学校里，选择非常有限，你最终只能将就着与现有的人相处。这也有积极意义，因为学会与各类人友好相处很重要，即便不是最佳匹配。

That's actually a possibility because the opportunities are endless. You know? Whereas in school, it's very confined. So you do end up sort of settling and working with what you got. And this can be a good thing because I think it's important to learn how to be friendly and be friends with all different types of people, even if maybe it's not the perfect match.

这种能力确实很有价值。但如果你不幸遇到糟糕的校园环境，与所有人都合不来，又因未成年缺乏自主权时，情况就会变得异常艰难和孤独。不过这种困境也教会我们重要的社交技能。此外，孩童时期的人际关系往往由身边成年人监管把控。

Like, that's a good skill to have to know how to do that. But it can also be incredibly challenging if you get a bad pool of people in your school, and you don't click with anyone, and that's all you got, and you don't have autonomy because you're a child. And so it can be really challenging and lonely if just for whatever reason you get dealt a bad hand. But again, I think that that challenge teaches us important social skills. Also, when you're a child, your relationships are monitored and managed by the adults in your life.

我们从小就被灌输'要和所有人做朋友'的观念——这点在我成长过程中被反复强调。但这对我很困扰，因为人不可能喜欢所有人。当学校里的成年人管理着你的人际关系时，他们不会允许你排斥任何人。

We're often taught as children to be friends with everyone. I feel like that was something that was really heavily instilled into me as a young person. Like, you gotta be friends with everybody. And that was really challenging for me because we just don't like everyone. And when you're in school and adults are managing your relationships, they're not gonna let you exclude somebody.

老师会把你和不喜欢的人分到同一小组做项目。而成年后，你完全不必与不喜欢的人交朋友，也不应该——这是我的观点。何必浪费时间？这完全是两回事。

A teacher is gonna put you in a group for a group project with somebody that maybe you don't like. When you're an adult, you don't have to be friends with people who you don't like, and you shouldn't. I think that's my opinion. Why waste your time? So it's very different.

在这种教育下长大，你会认为每个人都该成为你的挚友，全班同学都必须受邀参加生日派对，情人节要给全班制作贺卡。我不想过度解读，但至少在我的经历中，这种观念深深影响了我，让我长大后仍觉得必须和所有人做朋友。

Like, you grow up thinking that everyone needs to be your friend, like your best friend. Everyone needs to be invited to your birthday party in your class. When it's Valentine's Day, you need to make Valentine's for everyone in your class. And again, I'm not trying to, like, overthink this or overcomplicate this. At least in my experience, this sort of message stuck with me in a really significant way where I then grew up, and I was like, I guess I have to be friends with everybody.

这种观念最终给我带来了麻烦（具体我们稍后再说）。但事实是：成年后你根本不需要和所有人交朋友，这不是正确的处世哲学。当然，保持友善、亲切和尊重是绝对必要的。

And that actually ended up kind of biting me in the ass down the line, and we can get into that later. But it's like you actually don't wanna be friends with everybody when you're an adult. That is not the right philosophy. Should you be friendly and kind and respectful? Absolutely.

确实如此。我认为这正是你应当带入成年阶段的核心要素。但我这人做事特别较真，成年后就觉得必须和所有人交朋友，结果适得其反。而且我们的父母、老师对孩子的人际圈有着绝对掌控权。

Absolutely. And I think that's the element of it that you should take with you into adulthood. But I'm somebody who takes things very literally, and so I became an adult and was like, I need to be friends with everybody. And that didn't translate well. But also too, our parents, our teachers heavily control who we get to spend our time with.

有时明明和某个孩子很投缘，父母却会说'我们不喜欢那孩子，不准和他玩'。虽然我没亲身经历，但见过其他孩子遭遇这种情况。有些家长特别严格，如果觉得某个孩子会带坏自己孩子——这我能理解。

And so we might have a good click with somebody, but our parents are like, we don't like that kid. No. You can't hang out with that kid. That didn't really ever happen to me, but I saw that happening to other kids. You know, certain parents are are really strict, and if they think a kid is a bad influence I mean, I get it.

对吧？可如果那是你孩子最好的朋友，就太悲哀了。童年时我们在交友上极度缺乏自主权，导致进入社会后突然没了指引，必须自己摸索这项技能——而这恰恰是孩童时期从未培养过的。

Right? But if that's, like, your child's best friend, it's sad. There's such a lack of autonomy when it comes to friendships and relationships as a kid that, again, then when you get into the real world, it's like there's no one telling you who to be friends with and who to not be friends with. And so you have to then develop that skill on your own. And as a kid, you really don't develop that skill.

对很多孩子来说，外界影响实在太大了。不成熟的友谊本就复杂，因为孩子本身就是复杂的。有句谚语怎么说来着？就像在刀具抽屉里玩耍——孩童的友谊就是这般危险。

There's a lot of influence, at least for a lot of kids. Immature friendships are complicated because children are complicated. I don't know the saying. Something about, like, playing in the knife drawer. But that's kinda how it is with kids.

当你不成熟时，社交互动其实带着危险性。孩子缺乏社交技巧，没有情商，看不懂社交信号，更不明白自己行为的后果。

Like, friendships and social interactions when you're immature, it's dangerous a little bit. Children don't have developed social skills. They don't have emotional intelligence. They don't have social cues. They don't understand the repercussions of their actions.

他们无法理解言语对他人的伤害。孩子可能刻薄不公，成为糟糕的朋友——并非本性恶劣，而是缺乏人生阅历。正因如此，青少年间的友谊往往充满痛苦。由于缺乏经验和智慧，小团体现象也特别严重。

They can't comprehend how their words impact others. Kids can be mean and unfair, and they can be bad friends. Not because they're necessarily bad people, but because they just don't have enough life experience. And I think friendship between young people can be so incredibly painful because of that. Also, because there's a lack of life experience and a lack of wisdom, there's a lot of clickiness.

年轻人不懂分寸，友谊很容易变质。他们更不懂界限——设立界限是种需要时间沉淀的成熟智慧。多少成年人至今仍在摸索人际关系的边界呢。

Young people don't know better, and it can very quickly become toxic. But also, young people don't have an understanding of boundaries. Having boundaries is a mature, evolved way of existing. Like, it takes a lot of time to figure that out. Even full grown adults are still trying to figure out their personal boundaries in their lives and their relationships.

可以肯定年轻人根本没有界限意识，这会导致依赖型关系。记得我学生时代的友谊紧密到病态程度——每周聚会、通宵留宿、互相蹭住，激烈得如同魔法时期。

It's safe to say that young people definitely don't have boundaries, which can lead to codependent relationships, clinginess. Like, I remember my friendships in in school were so tight knit to the point where it was unhealthy. Hanging out with friends every weekend, sleepover, sleepover, sleepover, living at each other's houses. It was, like, so intense. And that's a magical time.

如果我现在有孩子，绝不会说'你们缺乏界限感，相处过度导致摩擦'。这种在友谊中迷失自我、偶尔争吵的状态，本就是青春常态。我现在能理解界限，正是因为曾经在友谊中毫无保留地付出全部——虽然付出代价，但...

Like, if I had a kid, right, I wouldn't be like, well, this is lacking boundaries, and you guys are spending too much time together. And it's, you know, it's leading to, at times, friction and overexposure to one another, and that's why you guys bicker sometimes. And you don't have an identity outside of your friendship, and that's not gonna like, it's a normal part of being a young person. I think the only reason why now I understand my boundaries is because there was a time in my life where I didn't have any boundaries in my friendships, and I would fully dive right in with every single cell of my being. And there were some challenging elements in that.

那段时光很快乐，只是我艰难地明白了这种模式不可持续。虽然不后悔，但成年后终于懂得平衡。每个年轻人都会经历这段尴尬期：从受成人管束的封闭环境，突然进入需要自建边界的世界，仿佛天地骤变。

It was really fun, but it's not a sustainable friendship model, I learned the hard way. And it's just not healthy and balanced. But I don't regret that, you know? But now that I'm an adult, I know better. But I feel like there's this uncomfortable period of time for every young adult where you have this sort of extreme situation due to the communities that you're confined to and being under management by adults and not understanding boundaries to then being an adult, and it just feels like everything changes.

我不明白为何这种差异对我来说如此鲜明。因为细想之下，校园里的自律与职场中的自律截然不同。两者的利害关系天差地别，但不知为何，我并不觉得这是本质区别。就像一旦你掌握了自律，就永远掌握了它，无需重新学习，只需不断累积、强化。

And I don't know why the difference, at least to me, feels so stark. Because when I think about it, it's like being disciplined in school and then being disciplined in your work life is very different. You know, the stakes are very different, but for some reason, it's not a stark difference to me. Like, once you learn discipline, you get it, and and you don't need to relearn it. You're just adding to it, adding to it, adding to it.

当然，或许对某些人来说这个转变并不困难，但对我而言却充满冲击与困惑。这种感受在我17岁搬去洛杉矶时尤为明显——突然进入现实世界，开始工作。

And listen, maybe it isn't a challenging transition for everyone, but for me, it felt really jarring and confusing. And it sort of came to my attention when I moved out at 17. I moved to LA. I'm in the real world. I'm working.

理论上我能和任何人交朋友，可以融入任何圈子。我有车，能去任何想去的地方，能和世界上任何人建立友谊。

I can be friends with literally whoever. I can insert myself into any community. I have a car. I can drive myself wherever I wanna go. I can be friends with anyone in the world.

如果我愿意，完全可以坐飞机横跨美国，花一个月时间结识全新的朋友群体。突然拥有了全部自主权，却完全不知道他妈该怎么用。明白吗？我根本不懂如何交友，也没有足够清醒的头脑来自我反思，意识到哪些方式在成人世界里行不通——这些念头压根没出现过。

If I wanna get on a plane and fly across the country and for a month and meet an entire new friend group, I can. I now have all of this autonomy, and I don't know what the fuck to do. You know? I didn't know how to make friends, and I wasn't, like, analytical enough either to sort of self reflect and recognize what maybe isn't going to work as an adult. Like, that didn't cross my mind.

就这样被扔进现实世界，心想：好吧，该交朋友了。可我完全不知道从何下手，最后几乎来者不拒，抱着'和所有人做朋友'的心态。

So I just got thrown into the real world, and it was like, okay. Time to make friends. And I had no fucking idea what to do. I feel like I sort of just became friends with whoever. And I sort of kept that sort of philosophy of, like, just be friends with everybody.

只要遇到稍微合眼缘的人，我就默认把对方划入朋友范畴。这导致大量失败的友谊，因为我从不筛选朋友，不深入分析对方性格爱好，不考虑彼此适配度——我只是随意地结交任何人。

Like, anytime I was introduced to somebody I remotely liked, I was like, okay. I guess I'm friends with that person now, which led to a lot of failed friendships because I wasn't being critical of who I was being friends with. I wasn't deeply analyzing their character and what they like to do, and I wasn't thinking about our compatibility. I wasn't really deeply thinking about it. I was just kinda being friends with whoever.

只要对方没明显惹恼我，我就会与之交往。甚至有些人让我感觉不适时，我还会说服自己：'虽然不太喜欢这人，但算了，无所谓'。

As long as someone didn't rub me the wrong way, I would be friends with them. And there were even instances where somebody would rub me the wrong way. I'd be like, I don't know if I like this person that much, and I would end up being friends with them anyway. Because I was like, like, I don't know. Fuck it.

那时我根本不愿深思这个问题。那是一段相当混乱的时期，充满了戏剧性事件和破裂的友谊。

I just wasn't really thinking about it. And it was kind of a turbulent time. You know? There was a lot of drama. There was a lot of failed friendships.

很多友谊甚至是带有毒性的。就像在刀片抽屉里乱摸——缺乏技巧就注定受伤。成年后确实需要重新学习交友，这是个解构又重建的过程。

A lot of, even at times, toxic friendships. Like, again, it's like playing in a knife drawer. When you don't have the skills, you end up getting hurt. It really does feel like once you become an adult, you have to learn how to make friends all over again. It's unlearning, it's deconstructing, and it's reconstructing.

成年后唯一现成的社交圈就是职场。但工作环境比校园更不可控——在学校，同年级都是同龄人，经历着完全相同的人生阶段，还有其他年级可选。而职场没有这种天然匹配的群体保障。

When you're an adult, the only built in community you have in your life is your work. But I think the challenging thing with work is that your work circumstance is a bit more unpredictable than your school circumstance. Like at school, you're in a grade with a bunch of kids your age that are going through the exact same thing as you at the exact same time. And there are kids in other grades too, and maybe you're friends with them. But you have this guaranteed group of kids that are your age that you can automatically relate to in a working setting, that's not guaranteed.

你可能去一家律师事务所工作，周围都是比你大二三十岁的人。假设你工作中有三个同龄人，我觉得你们能合得来的概率很低。因为在一百个同龄人里，你可能只会和大概两个成为真正的好友。不知道，如果你特别外向的话，也许能有五个。

You might go work at a law firm with a bunch of people twenty, thirty years older than you. If you have, let's say, three people at your job who are your age, the likelihood that you're gonna click with them is low, I would say. Because out of, like, a 100 people your age, you might click with, what, two to the point where you're actually, like, good friends. I don't know. Maybe five if you're particularly extroverted.

顺便说一句，这个数据是我瞎编的。不是真实统计数据。懂吗？我只是在猜测。我以自己为例推测的。

And that's a data point I just made up, by the way. That is not a real statistic. Okay? But I'm just guessing. I'm thinking about myself and guessing.

我觉得这个估算差不多。所以工作其实是个交朋友的绝佳机会。你可能工作环境里有很多同龄人且能聊得来。也可能遇到年龄不同但很投缘的人，这完全有可能。只是这种友谊不是天然形成的。

And I think it's close enough. So work can be an incredible opportunity to make friends. You know, you might work in an environment where there's a lot of people your age who you connect with. There might also be people who are not your age who you click with because that's absolutely possible. But it's just it's not as built in.

我之前说过在学校很难，因为你被迫和固定一群孩子相处，可能交到朋友也可能不行。但成年后更难，因为固有社交圈和你契合的可能性更低。你的固定社交范围更狭窄了。但区别在于成年后你完全自主决定如何安排生活，可以主动在工作之外拓展社交。

And I know earlier I said that it's tough at school because you're forced to be with this confined group of kids, and you may or may not find success in it. It's even harder, I think, as an adult because your built in community is even less likely to be compatible with you. You have an even more confined built in group. But the difference is is that as an adult, you now have complete autonomy over what you do with yourself. So you can go and explore outside of your work setting.

但工作的另一个复杂因素是可能居家办公。像我这样居家办公的话，就很少与人互动。除非你从小在家上学——这种情况比较少见。虽然确实存在，但我觉得在家上学真的很有挑战性。

But the other element of work that's sometimes complicated is you might work from home. If you work from home like I do, you don't interact with people very often. And unless you were homeschooled, which is somewhat rare. I mean, I think that definitely happens, and I don't even know. I wouldn't being homeschooled would be really challenging.

我甚至没法评价，因为完全不了解那种经历。除非在家上学同时还参加很多课外活动，否则根本不知道怎么交朋友。你独自在家学习，懂吗？

I can't even speak to that because I have no idea what that experience would be like. And, I mean, unless you have, like, multiple extracurricular activities that you're doing in addition to the homeschool, I have no clue how you'd even make friends. You're alone. You're at home doing school. You know?

所以我完全不知道那要怎么社交。这确实是比较特殊的情况。而居家办公普遍得多，这时候建立社交圈就更困难了，完全没有现成的社交环境。

So I don't even know how that would work. I can't even speak to that, but that's definitely a more unusual sort of situation. Whereas working from home is much more common. Then it's even more challenging. You don't have that built in community at all.

以前在学校好歹有个固有社交圈，虽然不完美但至少存在。如果从这种状态突然变成居家办公，简直懵了：我该从哪儿开始？不过至少你拥有自主权。

You used to, at school, have this built in community that has its shortcomings, but at least you had that. If you go from that to them working from home, it's like, what the fuck? Where do I even begin? You know? But again, at least you have autonomy.

这只是不同的社交结构。对我们很多人来说，学校提供的这种固有社交元素会发生巨变——不是所有人，但很多人如此。好在成年意味着拥有自主权。不过即便有自主权，要利用它融入新圈子结交朋友也并非易事。

But it's just a different structure. And I think for for a lot of us, this sort of built in social element that we got from school can often drastically change. Not for everyone, but for a lot of people. But the bright side is that being an adult means you have that autonomy. But even though you have that autonomy, it's not automatically easy to utilize that autonomy and insert yourself into communities where you might be able to make friends.

你有更多责任要承担。有工作要做，要缴税，要送车去换机油。

You have more responsibilities. You have shit to do. You have a job. You have to pay taxes. You have to take your car in to get its oil change.

要成为一个能正常运转的成年人，你必须参与所有这些不同的责任，这会占据你的时间，某种程度上阻碍你去参加艺术课或烹饪班。小时候，父母经常让你参加课外活动。他们会说，你必须坚持下去，因为我们花钱让你上芭蕾课，所以你必须跳芭蕾。你想放弃？太糟糕了。

In order to be a functioning adult, you have to participate in all of these different responsibilities, and that then takes up your time and sort of prevents you from being able to just go to, you know, an art class or go to a cooking class. When you're a kid, your parents put you into extracurricular activities a lot of times. And they'll be like, well, you have to stick with this because we're paying money for you to be taking ballet lessons, so you need to do ballet. And you wanna quit? Too bad.

我们过去四年花钱让你学芭蕾，你最好给我变成个该死的芭蕾舞者。这种情况经常发生。很多时候你确实没有选择。你没有太多责任。

You're gonna we've been paying for the last four years for you to be a ballerina. You better turn into a fucking ballerina. Like, that happens a lot of times. There is something to be said for the fact that a lot of times, you don't have a choice. Like, you don't have a lot of responsibilities.

实际上你的责任之一就是参加课外活动。而成年后，你必须自我激励去参与这些事，有时很难找到理由，因为你还有一大堆其他破事要做。懂我意思吗？所以无论是作为孩子还是成年人，交友和生存都有各自的利弊。但这完全是不同的情况。

That's actually one of your responsibilities is to participate in extracurricular activities. Whereas when you're an adult, you have to motivate yourself to participate in those things, And it's sometimes hard to justify because you have a whole lot of other shit you gotta be doing. You know what I mean? So there's advantages and disadvantages that come with both making friends and existing as a child and making friends and existing as an adult. But it's just a very different situation.

除非你有相当灵活的工作，有很多热衷参与的爱好兴趣，而且你是个特别外向、会主动与其他成年人交谈的人，否则成年后做到这点并不容易。这需要一定程度上去摸索适合你生活方式的方式。懂吗？找到那些你能持续保持动力去做的事，因为友谊是通过定期接触建立的，要以一种可持续又高效的方式。成年人没那么多时间瞎晃悠。

Unless you have a pretty flexible job and you have a lot of hobbies and interests that you're motivated to participate in, and you're a particularly outgoing person who, you know, will start conversation with other adults, it is not easy to do that as an adult. And it takes sort of a level of, like, figuring out what's gonna work in your lifestyle. You know? What you're gonna be motivated enough to do routinely because that's how we build friendship is routine exposure to people, right, in a way that's sustainable but also efficient. As adults, we have a lot less time to just like fuck around, you know?

所以虽然我们能随心所欲很酷，但也不完全如此。这就是挑战所在。成年后交友也完全不同，从父母老师监护人控制的封闭小圈子变成面对所有人。你现在有机会找到真正契合的人。如果某段关系不行，你可以抽身离开另寻他处。

And so it's cool that we can do whatever we want, but it also doesn't fully feel that way, you know? That's where the challenge comes in. Making friends as an adult is also very different in the way that it goes from being a very confined controlled group controlled by your parents and teachers and the guardians in your life to anyone. You now have the opportunity to truly find incredible matches. And if something's not working, you can pick yourself up out of that situation and go elsewhere.

你不必非要‘在栽种的地方开花’。你可以有更高标准。不必和你不喜欢的人做朋友。你应该友善，应该尊重他人。

You don't have to bloom where you're planted as much. You can have higher standards. You don't have to be friends with people that you don't really like. You should be kind. You should be respectful.

你应该和睦相处，但不必成为他们最好的朋友。不必邀请他们参加你的生日派对。这既令人兴奋又美妙，有可能发展出惊人的友谊，但作为全新体验也很让人困惑。首先因为你从未完全自主选择过朋友。现在你必须用更分析的眼光看待友谊。

You should be amicable, but you don't have to be best friends with them. You don't have to invite them to your birthday party. Now this is exciting and wonderful and has the potential to to allow you to develop some amazing friendships, but it also is really confusing when it's a brand new experience. Number one, because you've never had full autonomy over who you're friends with. Now you have to look at friendship through a much more analytical lens.

这会带来很多心理挑战。存在决策疲劳——这么多选项我该选择与谁共度时光？该培养哪些友谊又该减少哪些投入？你可能还会做出错误决定，与对你不利的人成为朋友。

And there's a lot of psychological challenges that come with that. There's decision fatigue. How do I choose who to spend my time with when there's so many options? How do I choose which friendships to nurture and develop versus which ones to maybe spend a little less time on? You might also make bad decisions and become friends with people who are not good for you.

不小心陷入不理想的处境，交到不好的朋友会很糟，因为你要么得脱身，要么得难受地维持，害怕改变。这是成年后自主决策时更容易经历的，因为父母有你没有的智慧。年轻成年人处在一个尴尬阶段：既缺乏辨人智慧，又拥有全部选择权。虽然这是重要的成长经历，但确实令人畏惧。本期节目由eBay赞助播出。

And getting yourself into a situation on accident that's not ideal, getting yourself into a friendship that's not so good sucks because then you have to get out of it or you have to stay in it uncomfortably because you're too scared to get out of it. And that's something that you're more likely going to experience as an adult when you're making your own decisions because your parents have a wisdom that you don't have. And as a young adult, it's like there's this gap where you don't really have the wisdom to figure out who to be friends with yet, but you have all the choice. And again, I think it's an important learning experience, but it can be really daunting. This episode is brought to you by eBay.

我们都有那件标志性单品。你知道的——那件完全代表你的、让你因此闻名的东西。如果还没有，你会在eBay找到它。让我来指引你们吧。

We all have that one piece. You know the one. The thing that's so you, you've basically become known for it. And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay. Let me put you on, people.

eBay是你发现那些独一无二、让人爱不释手、反复梦寐以求的珍品之地。我说的可是你心心念念的T台同款红色皮夹克、印着牛仔图案的潮流上衣，或是2017年配色系列的时髦羊毛衫。所有这些宝贝都能在eBay找到。他们甚至提供数百万件主角级单品，并附有正品保证。eBay是二手和复古时尚的天堂。

EBay is where you'll find those one of a kind, can't stop researching, stay up dreaming about pieces again and again. I'm talking about that off the runway red leather bomber that you've had your eye on, the trendy top with the cowboy on it, or that sleek fleece from the 2017 colorway. All of these finds are on eBay. They even offer millions of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee. EBay is the place for pre loved and vintage fashion.

eBay，人们的心头好。现在回到正题。最后一个重大区别是：孩童时期结交的是同龄玩伴，而成年后交往的是其他成年人。成年人的思维方式截然不同。

EBay, things people love. Now back to the episode. And the last major difference is that when you're a child, you're making friends with other children. And when you're an adult, you're making friends with other adults. And adults think very differently.

他们懂得界限感。我个人认为成熟的友谊更令人愉悦，也往往更稳定。因为成年后不可能每周都聚会开睡衣派对。有些朋友可能偶尔见面吃个晚餐，或者一起参加社交活动之类的。

They have a sense of boundaries. I personally think that mature friendships are more enjoyable, and they tend to be more stable as well. Because when you're an adult, you can't hang out every weekend and have sleepovers every weekend. With some friends, you know, I see them every once in a while, and we grab dinner. We, like, go to a social event together or something like that.

有些朋友会每天擦肩而过——你们常去同一家咖啡店，上同一个健身课，或是职场中的同事。成年后的友谊更加随意平衡，至少可以如此。但当你从毫无界限的极端友谊突然过渡到有界限的状态时，起初会有点不适应。

Some friends I see every day in passing. You go to the same coffee shop every day, you go to the same workout class, you have friends that you see at work. You have much more casual, balanced friendships, or at least you can. But it's a little bit weird at first when you're used to having these sorts of extreme friendships with no boundaries to then having boundaries. It can be a little bit confusing at first because it's like, wait.

你甚至会在成熟的友谊中产生不安：我们真的互相喜欢吗？我们见面并不多。总觉得应该时刻保持联系。这种心理转变可能让人不太舒服。

Are we or like, you almost can get insecure in in your mature relationships at first being like, wait. Do we even like each other? We don't really hang out that much. Like, I feel like, oh, like, we need to be talking all the time. Like, that psychological shift can be a bit uncomfortable.

同时你必须学会建立并坚守界限。如果童年时友谊没有界限，而成年后这却成了前提条件，同样会令人不适。无论是自己设立界限，还是面对朋友的界限让你产生不安——比如对方每月只能聚一次，或不喜欢发短信而你却是短信狂人——成年人的友谊就是这样更被动、更松弛、更随意。

But also, you have to teach yourself how to have boundaries and stick to them. If you never had boundaries in friendship and now suddenly as an adult, that's sort of a prerequisite, that can be also uncomfortable. It can be uncomfortable to make your own boundaries and stick to them, and it can be uncomfortable if a friend that you make has boundaries, and it makes you feel kinda insecure. Like, maybe they only really have time to hang out, like, once a month. Maybe they don't like texting, but maybe you're a texter and you're like, like, it's this weird being a friend as an adult is just much more passive and much more relaxed, and it's much more casual.

不再有那种持续不断的联系和沟通，因为对多数人这不现实。但走出这种不成熟的共生式友谊确实需要勇气。另外要注意，有些成年人可能难以转变交友方式——或许就是你本人——这会导致你困在不成熟的友谊中，阻碍你成长为理想中的大人模样，因为你还在和遵循幼稚交友模式的人来往。明白我的意思吗？

And there's not this, like, constant connection, constant communication as much because it's just unrealistic for most people. But it's it can be scary coming out of these codependent sort of immature friendships. But also another thing, some adults might have a harder time maturing their approach to friendship. And that might be you, which might lead you to being in friendships that are immature and get in the way of you maturing into the sort of adult that you wanna be because you're friends with people who still are abiding by that immature friendship model. You know what I'm saying?

那种充满依赖、缺乏界限的友谊会阻碍生产力发展，妨碍自我探索，影响独立人格的形成——这对成年人至关重要。这种状态可能造成伤害、带来挑战和困惑：你想长大，却被友谊拖了后腿。成年交友还有个重大区别：由于社交圈远比校园广阔，学校自然形成的社交等级——风云人物、书呆子、运动健将——

Where there's codependence and there's a lack of boundaries. And that type of friendship gets in the way of productivity, of discovering who you are as a person, helping you, develop your own individual identity, which is something that's very important as an adult. And that can be sort of damaging and challenging and confusing. You wanna be an adult, but your friendships are holding you back. Another big difference too about making friendships as an adult is that because it's much more broad than just at school, the social hierarchy that naturally forms in a school setting, The popular kids, the nerds, the the sporty people.

这种在学校环境中不幸自然形成的等级制度基本已不复存在。不用再应付这种破事真是太棒了。但虽然成人社区更难形成社交等级，不代表完全不存在。说实话，成年人参与这种无聊把戏更令人不齿——一群大脑发育完全的成年人搞这套，在我看来简直阴险得多。

The hierarchy that unfortunately naturally forms in a school environment no longer exists for the most part. It's so great to not have to deal with that shit anymore. However, just because it's less common, just because it's harder for a social hierarchy to form in adult communities doesn't mean it doesn't happen. And it's even more damaging, honestly, as an adult to be participating in that bullshit. There's something about full grown adults with fully developed brains participating in something like that that is just far more sinister to me.

所以可以说这事很复杂。但我觉得现阶段自己已经摸清门道了。听着，可能三年后我会打脸说当时自以为懂了其实没有。不过目前我确实掌握了一套方法，能建立健康平衡、持久满足的优质成人友谊。

And so it's safe to say that it is complicated. But I do feel like at this point in my life, I have figured it out. Now listen. I might eat my words in, like, three years and be like, I thought I had it figured out, but I really didn't. However, I feel like I have a really good sort of method to make solid, good adult friendships that are healthy and balanced and fulfilling and long lasting.

知道吗？这些年来我做了太多尝试，现在终于安定下来并搞明白了。我知道该去哪里结识人，知道如何结识人，也知道如何判断与某人是否合拍。

You know? Because I've experimented so much over the years, and I feel like I've finally settled down and figured it out. I know where to meet people. I know how to meet people. I know how to tell if I'm compatible with someone.

懂得如何以尊重且舒适的方式设定界限。即使别人没有明确界限，我也知道如何留意并关注他们的边界。就像...我终于恍然大悟，我明白了。而且我生命中有这么多美好的朋友。

How to set boundaries in a respectful and comfortable way. I know how to pay attention and keep an eye out for other people's boundaries even if they're not set. Like, I I feel like I finally am like, oh, I get it. I get it. And I have such wonderful friends in my life.

所以我要给你们些建议。先说清楚，和往常一样，我的建议都不专业。明白吗？你真该相信我的建议吗？或许不该。

And so I'm gonna give you all some advice. Now, as always, when I give advice, it's unprofessional. Okay? Should you really trust my advice? Maybe a no.

请持保留态度。我其实不太清楚自己在说什么。但根据我的生活经验，这些对我确实有效。好了，第一条建议。

It with a grain of salt. I don't really know what I'm talking about. But based on my life experience, this is what's worked for me. Okay. My first piece of advice.

找到你能定期参与的现实社交圈至关重要。我说'现实'是因为，当我们生活中缺乏社交时，常会试图削足适履——管它原话怎么说呢。懂我意思吗？我们可能强迫自己参加某个根本不想定期参与的社群活动。比如报个一次性艺术班。

It's so important to find realistic communities that you can insert yourself into on a routine basis. Now I say realistic because I think a lot of times when we're lacking community in our lives, we can try to put a circle peg into a square hole or whatever the fuck that saying is. You know what I mean? We can try to force ourselves to participate in a community activity that we don't really wanna do on a routine basis. Like, for example, you might decide to take an art class, like a one off little art class.

你能坚持每周上艺术课吗？坚持到能定期见到这些人，直到自然产生联结和友谊？不能吧？这不太现实。关键在于规律性。比如每周固定做某事。

Is it realistic for you to take an art class every week to the point where you're now seeing these people routinely to the point where natural connection and camaraderie can form? No. That's kind of unrealistic. The key is routine. For example, doing something every weekend.

甚至可以是每天做的事。也许你每天上班前都去同一家咖啡店。迟早你会和那些同样每天早晨来咖啡馆的人搭上话，开始和咖啡师聊天。不知不觉间，你就拥有了这种社群感。

Maybe it's even something that you go to every day. Maybe you go to the same coffee shop every morning before work. And sooner or later, you end up talking to the other people who go to that cafe every morning. You start talking to the baristas. And next thing you know, you have this sense of community.

但根据我的经验，这只有通过持续规律的活动才能实现。再比如去健身房。如果你习惯在家锻炼，不妨试试去健身房或参加健身课程这类有社群氛围的地方。如果每天固定时间去，就会开始遇见相同的人。很快你就会和他们熟络起来，因为天天见面。

But that only can happen, at least in my experience, through something that's happening on a consistent basis. Another example could be going to a gym. If you're somebody who likes working out at home, maybe try working out at a gym or going to a workout class or something like that, where there is a sense of community. And if you go at at the same time every day, you might start to see the same people every day. And next thing you know, you're chatting it up with them because you see them every day.

明白吗？如今你完全可以在家工作、在家健身、让 groceries 直接配送到家。连社交都能在家完成——上网看YouTube或刷TikTok。让自己融入现实世界需要比以往更多的努力，但这太重要了。我认为关键在于找到一种能规律参与的方式。以我为例，有几个地方让我交到了朋友。

You know? Now if you want to, you can work from home, exercise from home, order your groceries for delivery straight to your home. You can even be social at home, going on the Internet and watching a YouTube video or scrolling on TikTok. It requires more effort than ever to insert yourself into the real world, But it's so important, and I think finding a way to do it in a way that's routine is key. Like for me, there's a few places that I've made friends.

首先是健身课程。即使课后从不聚会，仍存在某种程度的社群感，你也能获得充实的联结感——哪怕实际上从未和任何人在课外相约。当然如果进展顺利，你们很可能课后也会聚会。洛杉矶有几家我常去的餐厅和咖啡馆，我已经和咖啡店的咖啡师们熟识了。

Number one, workout classes. Even if you never hang out outside of the workout, there's still a level of community, and there's still a fulfilling sort of connection that you get from that, even if you never actually hang out with anyone outside of it. Now if things go really well, you probably will hang out with people outside of it. There's certain restaurants and cafes in LA that I go to frequently. I've gotten to know the baristas at the coffee shop.

我已经和餐厅老板熟识了。这种事情就是自然而然发生的。关键是要找到让自己走出去的方法。我觉得保持一定效率很有帮助。比如，既然你本来就要锻炼，为什么不去上健身课而非要在家锻炼呢？

I've gotten to know the owner of the restaurant. Like, these things just happen. It's just important to find ways to get yourself out there. There's, like, a level of efficiency that I think is helpful. Like, if you're already gonna be exercising, why not go to a workout class instead of working out at home?

我理解，健身课往往价格虚高，这点我明白。但有些健身房会员费才每月10美元左右，懂我意思吗？所以根本没必要搞得像'天啊'这么夸张。

I mean, I get it. Workout classes are oftentimes overpriced, so I get that element. I think there's some gym memberships that are, like, what, $10 a month. You know what I'm saying? So it doesn't even need to be like a, oh my god.

我参加的是那种狂热信徒般的健身课——是我喜欢的那种狂热。其实我并没有那么沉迷，我觉得还好。下一条建议是：如果可能的话，发展职场友谊，但要谨慎行事，毕竟你们是同事关系。

I'm at my cult like workout class. I get it. That's a cult that I like. I'm always actually, I'm not in I'm not culty with it, I don't think. My next piece of advice is to lean into the work friendships if they're available, but do it with caution because you work with these people.

这有时会有点风险，因为如果友谊破裂，你还得天天面对他们。不过，拥有仅限于职场的友谊也很美好。听着，有时候你们会特别投缘，默契到觉得'这段关系完全可以延伸到工作之外'。但我认为纯粹的职场友谊也很棒——白天见面，下班后各走各路。

So it can sometimes be a bit risky because it's like if the friendship doesn't work out, now you are ultimately forced to be around them. However, it can be really wonderful to have working friendships that are almost isolated to work. And listen, there are times when the bond is so strong and there's just such a wonderful click that it's like, you know what? This can extend beyond the working environment. But I think it can be really wonderful to just have working friendships, people you see at work, but then at the end of the day, you go your separate ways.

享受这种低责任负担的友谊模式，同样能让人满足。这是我最喜欢的友谊类型之一。我有一些纯粹的职场好友，工作时相处愉快，但下班分开的感觉也很好。

Lean into that low responsibility kind of friendship. That can be really fulfilling as well. Those are some of my favorite types of friendships. I have friendships that are strictly work friendships. People that I love hanging out with and talking to when we're working, but then it's so nice to, like, go our separate ways.

当然也有例外，比如我最好的朋友Jared——我的造型师。我们严格来说是通过工作认识的，是我们主动选择合作。情况不太一样，就算我们绝交了，也不会出现'完蛋了还得每天在办公室碰面'这种局面。

There have also been instances where I've met, you know, my my best friend, Jared, my stylist. We met each other through work technically, you know? Like, we choose to work together. So it is kind of different. We're like that element of, oh, if we like like, if Jared and I knocked on stopped being friends, if we had a huge falling out, it wouldn't be like, oh, fuck.

懂我意思吗？我们永远不会面临那种窘境——因为我俩都不会让这种事发生（但愿如此，Jared）。Jared如果你在听，说真的，我们永远别吵架。但他确实是我最好的朋友之一，我们确实是通过工作相识的。

We show up to the same office every day. You know what I mean? We're never gonna have that because I will because neither of us will let it happen, hopefully, Jared. Jared, if you're listening to this, seriously, no fights for us. But he's one of my best friends, and we did meet through work.

这算是特例，就这么自然而然地发生了。职场友谊可以非常美好，但还是要谨慎行事。多思考，多留心。

You know? But that was sort of a unique situation where it just it it just happened that way. I think working friendships can be so incredible. You should proceed with caution, though. Just be thoughtful and be careful.

或许可以考虑保持纯粹的职场友谊。这种模式可能更适合。接下来，如果你在家办公，可以偶尔找个社交场所工作。也可以适当多去办公室。

Maybe just consider keeping a sort of isolated work friendship. You know? That that might be the vibe. Next, if you work from home, perhaps find a social place to work sometimes. Maybe go into the office just a little bit more.

试试在咖啡馆工作。我刚高中毕业开始工作时非常孤独，朋友们都还在上学。那时我每天都去咖啡店，带着笔记本电脑一坐就是八小时。

Perhaps work at a cafe. When I first left high school and I started working, I was very lonely. All of my friends, they were all in school still. And I worked at coffee shops every day. Would go into a coffee shop, sit down with my laptop, and work there for literally, like, eight hours.

我没开玩笑。有时候确实需要一定的自律，比如穿戴整齐去咖啡馆，带上所有充电器，处理各种琐事，懂吗？是的。但这是让我高效融入一个同样充满生产力的社区的方式。

I'm not kidding. Did it take a level of discipline at times to, like, get dressed and go to a coffee shop and bring all my chargers and do all the shit? You know? Yeah. But it was an efficient way for me to involve myself in a community that was also like productive.

这样我就能合理化自己的行为——既在工作，又在接触社群。我从中结交到长久的朋友了吗？没有。但这不意味着我永远不可能。

Like, I could justify doing it. It's like I'm working, and I'm exposing myself to community. Did I make any lasting friendships from that? No. But that doesn't mean that, like, I couldn't have.

如果我一直坚持去那里，谁知道呢？也许最终会建立起深厚的友谊。但人生中不该只追求这一种友谊类型。我的下一条建议是：别强求。

If I would have kept hanging out there, who knows? Maybe I would have ended up making a really deep long lasting friendship. But that's not the only types of friendships that we should be striving to have in our lives. You know? My next piece of advice is don't force it.

让它自然发生。相信我，会的。关键在于，我如此坚持建立日常习惯并反复接触同一群人的原因是——这样做时，互动会自然产生。就像我现在参加的健身课。

Let it happen naturally. And trust me, it will. Okay? The thing is, I think the reason why I'm so adamant about this idea of getting into a routine and seeing the same people repeatedly is that when you do that, interactions naturally start to happen. Like at the workout class that I currently go to.

对吧？我坚持了大概...一年左右？渐渐地我和所有常来上课的人都成了朋友。这不是一蹴而就的，是在见过这些人二三十次后，我们才突然想起来问：对了，你叫什么名字？

Right? I've been doing it for like, I don't know, a a year. Over time, I've become friends with like everyone who goes to this workout class. It did not happen overnight. It took seeing these people twenty, thirty times before we were like, oh, hey, what's your name by the way?

事实上我通过这个方式交到了一个真正的好朋友，超越了普通熟人的那种。但这是自然发生的——某次我们随口聊了一句，下次见面时分享了一两个故事，不知不觉就成了朋友。

And I've actually made one really good friend, a genuine friend that has gone beyond like, a close friend through this. But it just happened naturally. Like, we, like, exchanged one little remark one time. And then the next time we saw each other, it was like, we were we exchanged a story or two. And next thing we know, we're friends.

这种方式的低风险在于：你不是一头扎进去，不是立刻承诺建立友谊，而是让它慢慢生长。任何时候你都可以安全地稍稍抽身——这真的很棒。

It's low risk in the sense that you're not throwing yourself into it head first. You're not committing to friendship immediately. You're letting it slowly build. And at any point, you can safely sort of retract a little bit. That's really wonderful.

这种渐进方式让你有机会全面了解对方。另外，如果你们是直觉性地慢慢成为朋友，这是个积极信号——说明存在真正的联结，有某种力量让你们持续回到彼此的生活中。就像'我们总见面，聊天时都很开心'那样。

Taking it slow in that way gives you sort of space to actually develop a well rounded opinion on the person you're becoming friends with. But also, two, if you intuitively become friends slowly over time, that's a green flag. That means that there's genuinely a connection there. There's actually something bringing you back to one another routinely. Like, oh, you know, we see each other all the time, and we get excited to talk to each other.

明白吗？这是种真实的体验。我认为这往往能催生更牢固的友谊。相比之下，如果你在酒吧偶然遇到某人，突然开始交谈...

You know? It's just it's it's an authentic experience, you know? And I think that that tends to lead to stronger friendships. I don't know. Like, if you were to meet someone out at a bar, and you randomly are sitting next to somebody at the bar, and you just start talking to them.

你快速判断觉得'这人挺酷，或许该交个朋友'——听着，我不是说这行不通，有时确实有效。但这种方式更极端，风险更高。虽然某些情况下合理且有效，我理解。

And you make split judgments, and you're like, oh, this person's cool. Maybe I should be friends with them. And then, listen, I'm not saying that can't work because that can work sometimes. But it's a bit of a a more extreme, a bit of a riskier sort of method. And, sometimes it makes sense, and it works, and I I get it.

但当你仅凭十分钟的交谈就做出判断，转眼间下周就要共进午餐时，这需要耗费大量精力。维持友谊并再次制定计划是一个需要决心的过程，这种承诺要沉重得多。相比之下，定期见面并让友谊自然形成，才是培育友谊更健康的方式。其次，作为成年人要极度挑剔。你可以对每个人都友善，也应该如此，但不必与每个人都成为朋友。

But it when you make judgments based on, like, a a ten minute conversation, and next thing you know, you're getting lunch next week, and then it's like, it takes a lot of effort, and it's a decision to keep up the friendship and to make plans again. That's so much more of a commitment. Whereas, like, seeing somebody routinely and letting the friendship just form naturally, it's just a much healthier way to incubate a friendship. Next, as an adult, be incredibly selective. You can be friendly with everybody, and you should be friendly with everybody, but you don't need to be friends with everybody.

既然我们已是成年人，就不能再随便消磨时间与任何人相处。我们有正事要做。明智选择交往对象至关重要——应该是那些激励你成为更好的人，与你道德观和价值观相近的人。

Now that you're an adult, now that we are adults, we can't just fuck around and spend time with whoever. We have shit to do. It's so important to be wise about who you spend your time with. It should be people that inspire you to be a better person. People who share similar morals and values to you.

你应该和让你感觉良好的人做朋友。如果有人不合适，就及时止损。这些年在网络上，人们看着我经历各种友谊，有些关系随着时间自然淡化，有些则因各种原因无疾而终。有趣的是我看到过评论说'艾玛换过好多不同的朋友群'——没错，因为我需要尝试不同的可能性。

You should be friends with people who make you feel good. If somebody's not cutting it, cut them out. You know, over the years on the internet, people have watched me have friendships, and and and then those friendships sort of, you know, I grow out of them, or or, you know, it just doesn't work out for whatever reason. And it's interesting because I've seen comments before that are like, Emma has had so many different friend groups. It's like, yeah, but I needed to try some shit out.

猜怎么着？如果某段关系不适合我，我会果断抽身。这没有任何问题。正因如此，我对在内容中展示朋友有所顾虑——当你以非常公开的方式在网络上分享后，如果友谊最终未能延续，人们会追问'那个人去哪了'，这种情况会很棘手。

And guess what? If it wasn't working for me, I'm gonna go ahead and get out of there. And there's nothing wrong with that. And that's why I'm somewhat hesitant to include friends in my content. It can be tough if you're like posting about it on the internet in a very public way.

有时候友谊就是无法长久维持，这很正常。并不意味着任何一方有问题。社会上有种奇怪的压力要求人们必须做一辈子的朋友，但事实并非如此——当某段关系不再适合时，坦然放手完全没问题。其实在恋爱关系中，主流叙事往往是'不合适就赶紧分手'。

And then, you know, if the friendship doesn't end up working out, people are like, wait. Where did that person go? And it's like, sometimes it just doesn't work out long term. That's okay. It's normal.

有趣的是这种观念在Z世代的友谊中并不常见。我觉得人们对友谊的标准没那么高——倒不一定是刻意为之，而是关于友谊质量的讨论本身就比较少。如果一段友谊行不通，你完全没必要勉强维持，这再正常不过。

Like, it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with anyone involved. I there's this weird pressure societally to, like, be friends for life no matter what. And it's like, no. It's okay to be like, this isn't working for me anymore. Romantic relationships, actually, I feel like the the sort of narrative around it is very much like, if it's not working, get the fuck out.

成年后要精挑细选，因为首先这完全由你决定；其次如果不加选择，最终只会陷入糟糕的友谊。你必须不断反思分析，确保自己处于健康、快乐、充实的关系中，尤其是在初期还在评估双方是否契合的阶段。接下来要保持开放心态。

It's very interesting how that doesn't apply as much to friendship in gen z. I feel like there's not as much of, like, that high standard for friendship. Not even necessarily intentionally, but there's just not as much of a conversation around quality of friendship. Like, you don't need to make it work if it's not working. It's totally fine.

作为成年人，你不再局限于同年级的孩子。你可能在常去的公园遇见60岁的女士，或在20岁时结识新朋友。很多时候我们看到年龄差异较大的人会下意识认为'我们不可能合得来'，但你永远不知道——成年后年龄会越来越无关紧要。

Be selective as an adult because number one, it's all up to you. And number two, if you aren't, you're gonna end up with shitty friendships. You have to be reflecting and analyzing constantly to make sure that you're in a healthy, happy, fulfilling situation, especially in the beginning stages when you're still figuring out if, you know, you're compatible. Moving on. Keep an open mind.

成年后你就是真实的自己。所以谁知道呢？你最终可能会和比你年长四十岁的人群成为朋友。我们常常会带着刻板印象去评判他人。

Now that you're an adult, you're not confined to the kids in your grade. You might meet a 60 year old woman in year 20 at your favorite park. Now a lot of times, we can look at somebody who's maybe a different age than us and be like, there's no way we would have any like, we're not gonna click. You never know. When once you're an adult, age just sort of the older you get, the more age doesn't really matter.

你知道吗？成年后你本质上就是真实的自己。所以说不定呢？你最终可能会结交一群比你年长四十岁的朋友。我们往往容易带着刻板印象去评判他人。

You know? You just kinda are who you are as an adult. So who knows? You might end up becoming friends with a group of people who are forty years older than you. We can oftentimes judge your stereotype.

比如，我们可以看着某个人然后想，哦，他们超级热爱运动。也许他们穿着印有足球队标志的夹克，而你会想，我其实不喜欢运动。但成年后，就该放下这些成见，给每个人一个机会，因为你永远不知道会和谁投缘。我的下一条建议是，和朋友策划些有心思的活动，这样计划更容易落实。

Like, we can look at somebody and be like, oh, they're super sporty. Like, maybe they're wearing, like, a jacket that has, like, a football team on it, and you're like, I don't really like sports. Once you're an adult, like, let all of that go and give everyone a chance because you never know who you're gonna click with. My next piece of advice, plan thoughtful activities with friends to better ensure plans follow through. Okay.

成年人对时间挑剔得多。如果你邀请别人过来然后说‘我们就随便待会儿’，很多成年人会想‘我可不能他妈的就干坐着——我还有一堆破事要处理，不能就这么去闲逛’。

Adults are much more picky with their time. Like, if you invite somebody over and say, let's just like hang out. A lot of adults are like, I can't just fucking hang out. Like, I have shit I need to do. I can't just like go hang out.

我不会随便去和某人干坐着。要让成年后的邀约吸引人，就得有明确目的。比如‘嘿，我们都喜欢寿司’，那就找个同样喜欢寿司的人一起去吃。

I'm not just gonna like go sit around with somebody. I think in order for plans to be enticing in adulthood, it needs to be intentional. Like, hey. We both like sushi. Go get sushi with somebody who likes sushi.

懂吗？如果你和朋友一直说想尝试攀岩，那就一起制定计划去实现。你们俩都痴迷烘焙？

You know? You and your friend have been talking about how you wanna try rock climbing. Make the plan together to go and do it. You and your friend are obsessed with baking. Okay.

那就安排个烘焙日，从零开始做可颂。这要花很长时间，过程超复杂——你们甚至得留宿，因为要反复折叠冷藏面团，取出擀平再折叠。

Set up a baking day together. You're just gonna bake croissants from scratch. It's gonna take a long time, it's gonna be really complicated. And and you're actually gonna have to have a sleepover because you have to laminate the dough, and then you have to, like, put it in the fridge, it has to sit for hours. And then you have to take it out, and then you have to roll it out and fold it.

整套流程下来，可能需要专门腾出个周末，搞个‘可颂制作周末’。要制定对双方都有意义、让人期待的具体计划，别光说‘这周末随便聚聚’。当然，偶尔这样也很棒——

And there's this whole process, and it's like so maybe you have this weekend that where you spend together where you're like, we're gonna do this croissant weekend where we make croissants from scratch. Like, make pointed plans that actually make sense for the two of you that are intentional and exciting to both of you. Don't just be like, let's just hang out. Let's just hang this weekend. Listen, sometimes that's wonderful.

特别是和特别亲密的人，你们知道随便待着也能找到乐子。下一点：向他们的共同朋友敞开心扉。交新朋友最棒的就是多米诺骨牌效应——

And especially when you're really, really close with somebody, it's like, we know we can just hang out. We'll find out. We'll figure out what to do later, you know? Next, open yourself up to their mutual friends. The best part about making a new friend is that it's like a domino effect.

如果你喜欢他们的其他朋友，可能一下就多了五个新朋友。如果这段新友谊发展顺利，别把它封闭起来。主动说‘嘿，我想认识你的朋友群’。

Now, if you like their other friends, there's a chance that you just made five other friends. If you make a new friend and it's really working, don't isolate the friendship. Open it up. Be like, hey. Like, I'd love to meet your group of friends.

别划地盘。让友谊自然生长，保持开放。让一个人带你认识十个人。最后但同样重要的是，警惕那些还用学生思维处理友谊的人——

Like, don't get territorial over no. Let it build. Let it be open. Let one person expose you to 10 other people. And last but not least, beware of people who still treat friendship like they're in school.

我前面提过，就是那些还相信社交等级、想当风云人物的人。我们都他妈多大岁数了？这样太尴尬了，既病态又恶心，但这种现象确实还存在。老实说，我...我很少见到这种情况了。

I mentioned this earlier, but like people who still believe in like the social hierarchy, they wanna be the popular kids. It's like we're too fucking old for that. We're a little bit too old for that. It's embarrassing, and it's toxic, and it's gross, but it still exists. Like, I I I don't see it very often, to be honest.

实际上这种情况并不常见。但几个月前，我在一个派对上亲眼目睹了这一幕。我能感受到——那里有一群受欢迎的女生，当时我就觉得，这太有意思了。

It it actually doesn't happen very often. But a few months ago, I was at a party, and I saw it happening. I felt it. There was, like, a group of popular girls at this party. And I was like, this is so interesting.

你看，这种现象依然存在。这些女生都二十五六岁了，却还保持着那种做派。我简直像穿越回高中时代，感觉一模一样，就像《天才魔女》里演的那样。

Like, it does still happen. You know? And these are girls in in their mid twenties, and and they still have that. It felt I literally was like I felt like very much that's so Raven. And I was, like, transported back to high school, and it felt exactly the same.

听着，高中时出现这种情况还能理解——确实很toxic（有毒）吗？是的。挺可悲的吗？没错。

And listen. When it happens in high school, it's like, is it toxic? Yes. Is it kind of unfortunate? Yes.

但毕竟是一群孩子，情有可原。然而成年后还这样就很诡异了。有趣的是即便作为成年人，你看到这种场景时仍可能被吸引——我们虽已成年，但看到受欢迎群体时仍会想'啊，我也想加入他们'。

But it's also like, it's a bunch of kids. It's understandable that it happens. However, in adulthood, when it happens, it's like, spooky. It's interesting because even as an adult, you can see something like that, and you can almost buy into it, you know? Just because we're adults doesn't mean we don't like see a group of popular people and be like, oh, I wanna hang out with them.

或者产生'他们让我觉得自己不够酷'的念头。这些情绪依然会出现，甚至带着诡异的诱惑力。快避开！这太幼稚了。

Or wait, they make me feel bad because I'm not as cool as them. And they're like, you still get those feelings, and it can be sort of weirdly enticing. Avoid it. Avoid it. It's immature.

别倒退回去。那种带着'受欢迎、刻薄、爱评判'的小团体氛围，最可悲的是——说实话，我觉得她们根本不快乐。看到那个群体时，这是我脑海闪过的第一个念头。

You don't wanna go backwards. Don't go backwards. Because the thing that's sad is the whole, like, popular, kinda mean, kinda judgmental group sort of vibe. The truth is, I don't think that they're happy, you know? Like, that was the first thing that came to mind when I saw this group.

她们全都皱着眉头，围成小圈子四处打量别人，微微抬着下巴，用鼻孔看人的姿态。这样怎么可能快乐？

They're all frowning. They're all in their little circle looking around judging everyone, and like on their kinda, you know, with their chins kind of up a little. It's like like raising their noses at everyone. It's like, you're not happy. There's no way you're happy.

真正快乐的人不需要评判他人，只管享受当下。而她们做不到，这太可悲了。身为成年人不必再应付这种破事，这才是最棒的部分。

Cause if you were happy, you wouldn't need to judge everyone else. You could just enjoy the experience, but they can't, and that fucking sucks. Like, I genuinely feel bad. It's so wonderful to be an adult and to not have to deal with that shit anymore. That's the best part.

我们早过了玩这种把戏的年纪，不参与反而更轻松。这就是我的建议——虽然道理浅显，但当你陷入生活惯性时，这些显而易见的道理反而容易被遗忘。有时候需要被提醒：建立友谊有多种方式，维系健康友谊也有不同途径。今天就聊到这里。

We're too old for that shit, and it's so much more fun not to participate in it. And that's all my advice. Pretty pretty self explanatory stuff, but sometimes these sort of obvious tips don't seem so obvious when you're in a routine in your life, and you're like, I don't know. It can be helpful to be reminded the different ways that you can make friends, and the different ways that you can nurture healthy friendships. Anyway, that's all I have for today.

希望这些内容对你有所启发，或至少听得开心，再不济也能当助眠背景音。无论哪种形式，但愿你有所收获。如果喜欢，《Anything Goes》每周四周日更新，精彩刺激的全新剧集，各大播客平台均可收听。

I hope that this was somewhat helpful or at least enjoyable to listen to, or perhaps background noise for you to fall asleep to. Whatever it was, I hope that you enjoyed it in one way or another. If you enjoyed it, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday. New fucking episodes, fresh and exciting and riveting. You can find Anything Goes anywhere you stream podcasts.

但如果你想观看有我在镜头前说话的节目视频版，可以在YouTube和Spotify上找到。《Anything Goes》的社交媒体账号是anything goes。我本人在各大社交平台和网络上用的都是Emma Chamberlain这个名字，而我的咖啡品牌在现实和网络中的名称都是Chamberlain Coffee。我爱你们，也感谢你们。能像这样和大家共度时光总是让我倍感愉悦。

But if you wanna watch the video versions of the episodes where you can see me talking, that's on YouTube and Spotify. And Anything Goes is on social media at anything goes. I'm on social media and on the Internet in general at Emma Chamberlain, and my coffee company is in the world and on the Internet at Chamberlain Coffee. I love you all and appreciate you all. And it's a pleasure as always to get to hang out.

我衷心祝愿并祈愿你们都能拥有美好、自然、充实且平衡的友谊关系。我知道这比以往任何时候都更难，因为我们生活在一个高度孤立的时代。这对我而言也是种挑战。如果这对你同样不易，我真诚地为你祈愿友谊方面的成功。我爱你们，感谢你们，谢谢你们的收听。

And I wish and manifest for you wonderful, organic, fulfilling, balanced friendship in your life. And I know it's harder than ever because we live in a very, very isolated time. It's been a challenge for me. And if it's a challenge for you, I truly manifest friendship success for you. And I love you, and I appreciate you, and thank you for listening.

几天后我再和大家聊。好了，再见。

And I will talk to you in a few days. Alright. Bye.