现代约会建议让我感到害怕

这让我对那个秘密变得非常执着。

It makes me it makes me obsessive about the secret.

就像，我实在无法承受，所以我必须把它说出来。

Like, I just can't handle it, so I have I have to get it off my chest.

你明白吗？

You know?

一旦我内心深处知道是时候说出来了，我就会大声说出来，哪怕冒着被拒绝的风险。

Once it's once in my gut I know it's ready to be said out loud, I say it out loud, and I risk being rejected.

再说，最坏的情况能是什么呢？

And again, what's the worst thing that could happen?

我被拒绝了。

I get rejected.

好吧。

Okay.

然后呢？

Then what?

嗯，这个结果其实没什么不同。

Well, it's this The outcome is no different.

不管你是说出来，还是他们不再回应你，你都会被拒绝。

Whether you say it out loud, or they just stop responding to you, you're getting rejected either way.

所以你不如说出来，这样你就不会后悔没说，然后事情就这样了。

So you might as well say it, so that you don't regret not saying it, and then there it is.

但尤其是在恋爱关系中，等等。

But especially in relationships wait.

什么？

What?

我认为，在恋爱关系中保持神秘感并不是正确的做法。

Being mysterious in a relationship, I think, is not the right approach.

我认为，不对伴侣过度暴露自己是有一定道理的。

I think there is something to be said for not overexposing yourself to your partner.

比如，你们不想花太多时间待在一起。

Like, you don't want to spend too much time together.

你不想对彼此了解太多。

You don't want to know too much about each other.

你们想各自做自己的事情。

You want to do stuff separately.

你们仍然想要拥有各自的生活，但这很难做到，因为如果对方是你最好的朋友，你很容易就会忍不住想和他们待在一起，而他们本该如此。

You want to have separate lives still, and that's very hard to do because it can be very tempting to hang out with your partner, if they're like your best friend, and they should be.

为什么我们不每天一起出去呢？

It's like, why don't we hang out every day?

如果你真的这么做了，你就会明白为什么不该这么做。

Well, if you do that, you'll learn why you shouldn't do that.

我以前就犯过这个错误。

I've made that mistake before.

因为你会渐渐对对方感到厌烦。

Because you get kinda sick of each other.

你们会太过暴露在彼此面前，从而让浪漫感逐渐消退。

You get overexposed, and it kinda dulls the romance.

一点神秘感确实能增添浪漫，但这种神秘感不应该是源于刻意隐藏自己的情感，我认为。

There is romance in a bit of mystery, but the mystery shouldn't come from intentional hiding of one's feelings, I don't think.

它应该来自于拥有各自的生活、不同的朋友圈、各自的兴趣爱好，也许大多数日子结束后再聚在一起，分享那些经历之类的事情，而不是彼此过度暴露。

It should come from having separate lives, having separate friend groups, having separate hobbies, perhaps, and coming together at the end of the day most days, and being able to share those experiences and stuff like that, and and not being overexposed to one another.

你知道吗？神秘感应该来自这里，而不是来自压抑情感和情绪。

You know, that's where the mystery the mystery should come from, not from withholding emotion and feelings.

我不喜欢那样。

I don't like that.

继续往下说。

Moving on.

本集由eBay赞助播出。

This episode is brought to you by eBay.

我们每个人都有那么一件东西。

We all have that one piece.

你知道是哪一件。

You know the one.

那件非常代表你的东西，你基本上已经因为它而闻名了。

The thing that's so you, you've basically become known for it.

如果你还没有找到属于你的那一件，你会在eBay上找到它。

And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay.

让我来给大家介绍一下。

Let me put you on, people.

eBay就是你能找到那些独一无二、让你忍不住反复研究、彻夜梦想的单品的地方。

EBay is where you'll find those one of a kind, can't stop researching, stay up dreaming about pieces again and again.

我说的就是那件你一直关注的秀场款红色皮夹克，那件印着牛仔图案的时髦上衣，或是那件来自2017年配色系列的修身抓绒衫。

I'm talking about that off the runway red leather bomber that you've had your eye on, the trendy top with the cowboy on it, or that sleek fleece from the 2017 colorway.

所有这些好物都能在eBay上找到。

All of these finds are on eBay.

他们甚至提供数百万件有正品保障的主角单品。

They even offer millions of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee.

eBay是二手和复古时尚的首选平台。

EBay is the place for pre loved and vintage fashion.

eBay，人们喜爱的东西。

EBay, things people love.

现在回到节目。

Now back to the episode.

下一条现代约会建议：成为他们有过的最棒的性伴侣。

The next piece of modern dating advice, be the best sex they've ever had.

这个想法是，如果你是他们有过的最棒的性伴侣，那么你就无法被拒绝，并且你将变得无可替代。

The idea is if you're the best sex that they've ever had, then you're impossible to reject, and you'll be irreplaceable.

说到底，我们都喜欢性。

At the end of the day, we love sex.

不是所有人，但大多数人都是。

Not everyone, but most people.

性真的在支配着我们。

Sex really controls us.

是的。

Yeah.

关于这一点，我有很多感触。

I have a lot of feelings about this.

首先，你怎么可能成为某人经历过的最好的性伴侣呢？

Number one, how how are you supposed to be the best sex someone has ever had?

这到底要怎么实现？

How is that even accomplished?

你又怎么知道呢？

How do you even know?

那你到底应该怎么做呢？

What are you even supposed to do?

比如，那具体是什么样的？

Like, what does that even look like?

我想这大概意味着，要全力以赴去表现。

I imagine what this would mean is, like, go full performance on it.

你懂我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

就像一场表演。

Like, a show.

这就是我的想象。

That's what I imagine.

你懂的。

You know?

就是全力以赴。

Like, doing the most.

比如看一些特定的视频，做笔记，然后告诉自己：我就要这么做。

Watching, you know, certain types of videos, taking notes, and being like, I'm gonna do exactly this.

我要把它搞得像一部电影。

I'm gonna make it like a movie.

听我说，如果你有这样的想法，任何人有这种想法，本身并不一定是错的。

And listen, if that's like a desire that you have that anyone has with it, like, it's not inherently wrong to do that.

但我确实觉得，如果这种想法源于不真实的心态，源于不安全感——比如觉得‘除非我能变得不可替代，否则这个人不会选我’，而我唯一能想到的办法就是给他一生中最棒的性体验——在我看来，这反而会毁掉这段性体验。

But I do think if it's coming from an inauthentic place, from a place of insecurity, being like, I don't feel like this person is gonna choose me unless I find a way to be irreplaceable to them, and the only way I can think of is by giving them the best sex of their life, to me, that will ruin the sex.

听着，我可不是什么性爱天才。

And listen, I'm no sex genius.

事实上，我可能还需要，嗯，我也不太确定。

In fact, I probably need, like I don't know.

因为长期以来，我一直在性爱的脆弱性方面挣扎。

Because I've struggled with the vulnerability of sex for a long time.

我觉得我正在迎来转机。

I think I'm turning a corner.

但这对我来说一直非常有挑战性，因为在我看来，没有什么比性爱更让人感到脆弱了。

But it's been very challenging for me because to me, there's nothing more vulnerable than sex.

所以一想到在那样的过程中以某种方式被拒绝，我就无法承受。

And so the idea of being rejected in some way during something like that, like, I can't handle it.

这真的会让我情绪崩溃。

It actually makes me spiral.

而且我其实知道这源于何处。

And I actually know where this stems from.

高中时有一次经历，我和一个男生亲热，他后退一步，看着我，然后走开了，好像有点嫌弃我，显然是因为我接吻技术不好。

An experience in high school where I was making out with a guy, and he stepped back, looked at me, and walked away, like, kinda disgusted at me because I wasn't a good kisser apparently.

是的。

Yeah.

那件事给我留下了心理创伤。

That traumatized me.

所以从那以后，这对我来说一直很困难，因为我害怕发生性关系后，对方会站起来，用厌恶的眼神看着我然后走开。

And so ever since then, it's been very hard for me because I'm scared of me having sex and then somebody standing up and looking at me disgustedly and walking away.

就像，因为那一次经历，我的大脑就是这样运作的。

Like, that's how my brain works because of that one experience.

那件事太有创伤性了。

It was so traumatic.

我不知道为什么。

I don't know why.

好吧，我确实知道为什么，因为那是一次创伤性事件。

Well, I do know why because that's a traumatic event.

我觉得任何人遇到那种情况都会反应不好。

I think anybody would not react well to that.

但我对性仅有的一点了解是，它最美妙的时刻就是那种自然而然、水到渠成的状态。

But the little that I know about sex is that it is best when it is almost like just flowing out of you.

至少对我来说，根据我的经验——当然，我想每个人的体验都大不相同——但就我个人而言，我认为它的美妙之处，之所以如此美好，是因为它有可能像药物一样，让你瞬间完全脱离现实，几乎进入一种心流状态。

At least for me, in my experience, and again, I imagine it's very different for everybody, but in my experience, I think the beauty of it, the reason why it's such a beautiful thing, is because it has the potential to completely, almost in a drug like way, take you out of reality for a second, and you're in almost a flow state.

就像，你甚至不...你被传送到了另一个地方。

Like, you don't even You're transported somewhere else.

你可以沉浸其中，让它自然流露。

You can just escape into it and let it flow out of you.

我认为当它自然流露时，才是最佳状态。

I think it is its best when it's just flowing out of you.

而且我觉得生活中的大多数事情都是如此。

And I think most things in life are like this.

比如，创造力就是这样。

Like, creativity is like this.

你知道，强迫创造力是很困难的。

You know, forcing creativity is challenging.

很多时候，最好的创意产出是那些自然而然流露出来的，因为它需要被表达，因为你有需要通过艺术来诉说的东西，因为你处境艰难，需要创作艺术来抚慰自己，或者因为你感到非常平静，只是被吸引去创作艺术。

A lot of times, the best creative output is an output that just flowed out of you because it needed to, because you had something you needed to say through art, because you were in a rough place, and you needed to make art to help soothe you because you're feeling really calm and you just feel drawn to making art.

你知道，不管是什么情况，我认为最好的事物都是自然而然流露出来的。

You know, whatever it may be, like, I think the best things just flow out of you.

而且我认为，艺术和性在这方面非常相似。

And I think art and sex in this way are very similar.

当它自然而然地从你体内流淌出来时，才是最美好的。

It's best when it just flows out of you.

所以我认为，带着‘我要让这次成为他们经历过的最棒的性爱’这样的想法去进行性行为，

And so I think the idea of going into sex with somebody being like, I'm gonna make this the best sex they've ever had.

我要上演一场好戏。

I'm gonna put on a show.

我要做到让他们完全措手不及。

I'm gonna do the whole they're not even gonna know what hit them.

那将会非常棒。

It's gonna be it's gonna be really amazing.

他们会觉得像是在和我一起演一部特别的电影。

They're gonna think that they're in, like, in a special kind of movie with me.

如果那不是发自内心的，如果不是因为你真心享受而自然流露的，我觉得那样行不通。

If that is not coming from an authentic place, if that's not just flowing out of you because that's something that, you know, you enjoy doing, I don't think it will work.

我认为一个人最棒的性体验，是和一个有真正化学反应的人发生的，那种感觉难以言喻。

I think the best sex somebody's ever gonna have is with somebody that they have genuine chemistry with, which is kind of unexplainable.

比如，谁知道那种感觉从何而来？

Like, who knows where that comes from?

双方都只是任其自然流露，真挚的爱就在那里。

Both people are just letting it flow out of them, and genuine love is present.

但我要说，不过即便如此，爱也是存在的。

But I will say, well but even then, love is present.

我本来想说和前任发生关系。

I was gonna say having sex with an ex.

哇。

Wow.

这...这很好。

That's that's good.

而且，严格来说，你们已经不在一起了，但你们可能仍然爱着对方。

And, technically, you're not together, but you probably still love each other.

这就是为什么感觉如此美妙，因为你们如此深爱彼此，但现在却无法拥有对方。

And that's why it's so good because you love each other so much, and it's now but you can't have you can't have each other.

但不幸的是，确实如此。

But unfortunately yeah.

好吧，不管怎样。

Well, anyway.

那么，继续吧。

So moving on.

下一条现代约会建议。

Next piece of modern dating advice.

这叫做'史莱克化'。

This is called Shrekking.

这是一个叫做'史莱克化'的概念，以动画电影《怪物史莱克》中的动画怪物史莱克命名。

It's a concept called Shrekking, named after Shrek, the animated ogre in the animated film Shrek.

你可能对他很熟悉。

You may be familiar with him.

他是个绿色的怪物。

He's a green monster.

Shrek式约会的概念是指与你认为低于自己标准的人约会，这个人可能被视为类似史莱克那样的角色，这想法真是太糟糕了。

The concept of shrekking is to date somebody you consider below your standards, somebody who maybe would be perceived as sort of like a Shrek, which is so fucked up.

总之，就是因为你觉得自己比对方优秀，所以选择与自认低配的人约会，这样你就能在关系中自动占据上风，不太可能受到伤害。

Anyway, it's dating somebody you consider below your standards because you're out of this person's league, you'll automatically have the upper hand in the relationship and be unlikely to get hurt.

你看，这条建议对我来说完全说不通，因为我要对某个人产生好感，就必须在某种程度上欣赏他们。

See, this one doesn't make any sense to me at all because in order for me to be attracted to somebody, I have to admire them in some way.

这种欣赏可能是一种错觉，是基于我脑子里对他们的一些虚构想象，甚至都不是真实的。

Now it might be a delusional admiration based on some sort of thing that I made up in my head about them that's not even real.

但无论如何，我总得在某些方面欣赏他们。

But in some way, in one way or another, I need to admire them.

而我肯定不会欣赏那些我认为低于我标准的人。

And I definitely don't admire anyone who I perceive to be below my standards.

所以，我甚至无法理解，在你看来，你如何能在心理上接受一个低于你标准的人。

So, like, I don't even know how you mentally show up for somebody who's below your standards in your opinion.

就像，我甚至不知道该如何评论这个，因为我根本做不到。

Like, I don't even know how to comment on this because I just couldn't even do it.

因为，当我认为某人达不到我的标准时——不管那标准意味着什么，并非要贬低任何人，但确实存在某种界限。

Because when when if I perceive somebody to be below my standards, I mean, whatever that means, not to dehumanize anybody, but, like, there's definitely there's like listen.

如果我们对每个人都有吸引力，那约会这件事就不会存在了。

If we all were attracted to everyone, then dating wouldn't exist.

那会变成什么呢？

Like, what would it even be?

它根本就不会存在。

It just wouldn't exist.

要知道，每个人都有自己的标准，而且每个人的标准都大不相同。

You know, everybody has criteria of sorts, and everybody's criteria is very different.

我甚至无法想象，在明知对方不符合我标准的情况下，还能勉强完成一次约会。

I don't even think I could sit through a date knowing that somebody was not up to my standards.

所以我真的无法理解这种做法。

So I just don't understand this.

而且我认为这不是个好主意，因为我觉得——嗯，这整件事几乎方方面面都不对劲。

And I think it's not a great idea because I think it's well, it's kinda like everything about it is wrong.

这感觉有点奇怪。

It's like it's bizarre.

因为一方面，你有点像在利用别人。

Because on one hand, you're like kinda using somebody.

你也在评判他们，我的意思是，我想在约会时你多少得这么做。

You're also like judging them, which I mean, I guess you kinda have to do when you're dating.

你确实需要做一些评判。

You do kinda have to judge.

你是在评判他们，但同时又选择了他们。

You're like judging them, but then you're also choosing them.

但你是基于错误的理由选择了他们。

But you're like choosing them based on the wrong reason.

现在，他们可能会非常兴奋，因为他们会觉得，哇，这个人可能是我从未想过会约会的那种。

Now, they might get really excited because they're like, woah, like this is a person who maybe I never thought I'd date.

但那样的话，这种奇怪的关系动态让我感觉很不舒服。

But then, like, that's a weird dynamic that to me feels icky.

比如，现在这整个事情，天哪，方方面面都透着毒性。

Like, now there's oh god, everything about it is toxic.

我越是描述它，就越感到有点反感。

The more I describe it, the more I get kind of repulsed by it.

我真的不喜欢这个想法，但我反感的原因并不是因为，哦，一个优秀的人在和一个不那么优秀的人约会。

I really don't like this idea, but I'm not repulsed because, oh, somebody who is great is dating somebody who's less great.

呃。

Ew.

让我感到恶心的是，竟然有人被视为不那么优秀。

I'm grossed out that, like, there's somebody being perceived as less great.

这种看待人类的方式很糟糕。

Like, that's a bad way of looking at human beings.

有些人可能不适合你。

Somebody might not be right for you.

他们可能达不到你的标准。

They might not reach your criteria.

但是，把他们视为低于标准，因此在约会中觉得他们不如你，并且想着，嗯，我可以控制他们，为所欲为，因为他们不如我。

But seeing them as being below standard, being less than you in dating them because of that, and being like, well, I can control them and do whatever I want because they're less than me.

这就像是，哦，这样可不好。

It's like, oh, that's not good.

事情不是这样运作的。

That's not how it works.

这不是看待他人的方式，我们不应该这样看待其他人。

That's not how human that's not how we should look at other human beings.

其他人可能不符合我们的标准，但标准并不等于一个人的价值。

Other human beings might not match our criteria, but criteria, I wouldn't say criteria in standards has to do with someone's value.

这更多是关于一个人想要的具体特质。

It's more about specific traits that somebody wants.

你懂的？

You know?

比如，有些人喜欢外向的人。

Like, some people might like outgoing people.

有些人喜欢内向的人。

Some people might like shy people.

有些人喜欢运动型的人。

Some people might like sporty people.

有些人喜欢有艺术气质的人。

Some people might like artsy people.

我们每个人都不一样，吸引我们的东西也各不相同，但没有谁更好或更差。

Like, we all just are different and have different things we're attracted to, but neither are better or worse.

但这种说法似乎在暗示，不是的。

But this sort of insinuates that, no.

我是在选择一个不如我的人。

I'm choosing somebody who is below me.

如果你是这样看待别人的，那我就不太清楚了。

If that's how you're looking at other people, I don't know.

我的意思是，听着。

I mean, listen.

这有点像那种情况，我们确实倾向于把自己归类，比如根据我们似乎能带来什么价值来划分，并且我们确实会相互比较，这有点像是种不幸的现实。

It is kind of one of those things where it's like, it's kind of an unfortunate reality that we do tend to categorize ourselves into, like, what value we seem to bring, and we do compare one another.

我不知道。

I don't know.

但这让我觉得挺恶心的。

But this just is gross to me.

所以我们还是继续吧，因为我真的不太理解这个，而且这看起来不太友善，也不太好。

So let's just move on, because I don't I don't really understand it, and it just doesn't it seems not nice, so and bad.

比如，我认为我们不应该这样看待别人。

Like, I don't think we should be looking at people like this.

好吧。

Okay.

下一条现代约会建议：约会直到你讨厌对方为止。

Next piece of modern dating advice, date them till you hate them.

这个理念是，你应该在一段关系中待得足够久，直到积累起怨恨，这样分手就会感觉更容易。

The concept is you should stay in a relationship long enough to build resentment so breaking up feels easier.

听着。

Listen.

我理解这种诱惑。

I get the temptation to do this.

是的，我也有过这种经历。

I do, and I've done this.

我确实做过这种事。

I have done this.

对我来说，结束一段关系非常困难，因为我是一个斗士。

It's very hard for me to end relationships because I'm a fighter.

我是个斗士，我会坚持到最后一刻。

I'm a fighter, and I I will push until the very end.

我这样做并不是为了让分手更容易。

And I'm not doing it to try to ease the breakup.

我这样做是因为我想不留任何遗憾。

I'm doing it because I want to leave no stones left unturned.

我想确保自己已经竭尽所能去尝试解决问题，给这段关系一个公平的机会，看看挑战中是否存在成长的可能。

I wanna make sure I did everything I possibly could to try to resolve the issues and try to give it a a fair chance and see if there's growth opportunities in the challenges.

但最终，这些问题被证明在某种程度上是无法解决的，至少目前是这样，那么就到了该分开的时候。

But, eventually, the issues prove themselves to be sort of unsolvable, at least for the time being, and then it's time to do a split.

但我倾向于把这件事拖到最后一刻。

But I tend to push it to the very last minute.

我认为，在事情被证明对双方都绝对行不通之前，尽力尝试并没有什么错。

I don't think there's anything wrong with trying until it absolutely will not work anymore, and that's been proven to the both of you.

但如果是故意这样做只是为了减轻痛苦，那似乎就是在浪费时间。

But to intentionally do that because you want it to hurt less, like, that that seems like a waste of time.

就像，如果你已经知道你们结束了，对方也清楚关系已尽，你们却还勉强相处，任由怨恨滋生直到完全无法忍受。

Like, if you already know that you're done, they already know that they're done, and you're just kinda hanging out, growing resentment until it's absolutely unbearable.

我其实认为你是在拖延愈合的过程。

I would actually argue that you're delaying the healing process.

就像，你们在一起的每一天，都意味着之后你得多花一天时间来练习独处。

Like, every day that you're together is one more day that you're gonna have to practice being alone after that.

你明白我的意思吗？

Like, you know what I'm saying?

就像，你越早独处，就能越早地在分手后重新调整你的心态，因为这是会发生的。

Like, the sooner you're alone, the sooner that you recalibrate your brain post breakup, because that's kind of a thing that happens.

这就像是你的大脑会经历一个奇怪的阶段，你会感到焦虑、悲伤、痛苦，为这段关系哀悼，诸如此类。

It's like your brain kinda goes through this, like, weird phase of, like, you're anxious, and you're sad, and you're feeling pain, and you're grieving it, and all this stuff.

这真的让人难以承受。

And it's really overwhelming.

你越早撕掉创可贴并度过那个阶段，就能越早开始重建你的生活。

The sooner that you rip the band aid off and go through that period, the sooner you'll start rebuilding your life.

等待并积累怨恨，我认为，并不能真正消除你将要感到痛苦的那段时间。

Waiting around and building resentment doesn't really I don't I would argue, I don't think it erases that period of time where you're gonna be feeling like shit.

你仍然会感觉很糟糕。

Like, you're still gonna feel like shit.

当下可能会更难过一些，但至少你们可以在分手时仍然相互尊重。

It might be a little bit more sad in the moment, but at least you guys can leave it still respecting one another.

如果你们把关系搞到互相憎恨的地步，在某些方面可能会更容易些，但在其他方面也会更困难，因为憎恨别人、被人憎恨的感觉并不好受。

If you take it to a point where you hate each other, that might be easier in some ways, but also harder in others because hating people hating people doesn't feel good.

我的意思是，听着。

I mean, listen.

这话说出来有点危险。

This is a dangerous thing to say.

或者说不是危险，而是有点棘手。

Or not dangerous, but it's, like, tricky.

但问题是，谁知道呢？

But it's like, who knows?

如果你以一种温和的方式分开，五年后你们可能会再次相遇。

If you leave it in a kind way, you could find each other five years down the line.

谁知道呢？

Who knows?

五年后，你们说不定还能成为朋友。

You could maybe become friends five years down the line.

谁知道呢？

Who knows?

我只是觉得，无论如何，把事情留一个好的结局总是更好的。

Like, I just think it's always better to, like, leave things in a good place.

好的。

Okay.

接下来，谈谈‘猴子分支’这个概念。

Next, the concept of monkey branching.

明白吗？

Okay?

这个词用来形容这种情况真是绝了。

This is a genius term for this.

猴子跳枝（monkey branching）指的是在分手之前，先找好下一个恋爱对象。

Monkey branching is before breaking up with your partner, finding your next love interest.

这样提前找好下家，分手时就不会那么痛苦了。

Having someone lined up this way, it'll be painless.

现在谁不想这么做呢？

Now wouldn't we all love to do this?

我从来没这么做过。

I've never done this.

不过，从某种意义上说，我几乎算是做过，因为我总是那种在上一段关系结束后，很快就能进入下一段关系的人。

However, I've almost done it in a way because I've always been somebody who's moved on to my next relationship somewhat quickly after my last one.

我从来没有事先找好下家，但确实在刚和一个人分手后不久，就遇到了其他人。

I've never once had somebody lined up, but I have met people shortly after breaking up with one person.

现在让我告诉你接下来会发生什么，至少根据我的经验是这样。

Now let me tell you what happens, at least in my experience.

你会毁掉下一段感情，因为没有时间在中间调整会让你更想念前任，更沉迷于前任。

You're gonna sabotage your next relationship because having no time to recalibrate in between could make you miss your ex more, make you obsess over your ex more.

因为你根本没有时间在中间沉淀一下，在投入下一段感情之前先找回自我、整理好自己。

Because you didn't have any time to center in between and find yourself and gather yourself before getting into the next thing.

你根本没有时间去哀伤，没有时间在夜里躺在床上回忆那些美好的时光。

You didn't have any time to grieve, to lay in bed at night and remember the good moments.

你根本没有时间去做那种事。

You didn't have any time to do that.

而现在你又开始了另一段感情，再做那种事就很奇怪，也不合适。

And now you're in another relationship, and doing that is weird, and it's inappropriate.

所以这是你必须在自己内心压抑住的东西。

So it's something that you have to suppress in yourself.

你知道这种压抑会导致什么吗？

And you know what that suppression is gonna cause?

痴迷

Obsession.

对前男友的痴迷

Obsession about the ex.

我觉得这会适得其反。

It'll backfire, I think.

这会适得其反。

It will backfire.

我的意思是，听好了，这简直是个理想状态。

I mean, listen, it's it's such an ideal.

天哪。

Oh my god.

听起来太棒了。

Sounds amazing.

有另一个人在等着，哦，这真是个美梦。

To have someone else lined up, oh, what a dream.

我太想要这样了。

I would love that.

天哪。

My god.

听起来很棒。

It sounds great.

但是不行。

But no.

我不认为事情会那样发展。

I don't think it works like that.

你将无法真正处理。

You won't get to process.

而且在那之前，你会和那个你‘猴跳’过去的伴侣分手，只有到那时你才能处理之前那个前任的问题。

And until then, you break up with that partner that you monkey branch to, in not until then will you be able to process that other ex.

然后现在你就有两个前任需要处理了。

And then now you have two exes to process.

听好了。

Listen.

别那样做。

Don't do that.

但‘猴子分支’这个名字或这个术语太好笑了。

But the name monkey branching or the term monkey branching is so funny.

就像从一根藤蔓荡到下一根藤蔓，当你荡过去的时候，你得抓住下一根，同时还抓着上一根，然后才松手。

Like, swinging from one vine to the next, and as you're swinging from one vine to the next, you have to hold onto the next one, and you're holding the last one, and then you let go.

这太有才了。

It's so genius.

想出这个名字的人，真是着了魔。

Whoever came up with that name, obsessed.

这简直是有天才般的灵感。

That's like a genius genius vibe.

接下来是现代约会建议。

Next piece of dating advice, modern dating advice, to be specific.

爱情应该是轻松的。

Love should be easy.

如果感觉不轻松，那就离开。

And if it isn't, leave.

这至少在我看来是不切实际且毫无意义的。

This is, at least in my opinion, unrealistic and also pointless.

我觉得我已经在这个播客里说过很多次了，所以我会说得简洁明了。

The whole point I feel like I've said this so many times on this podcast that I'll keep it nice and snappy.

明白吗？

Okay?

在我看来，当一段关系能激励双方成长，当关系中的两个人都推动彼此进步时，这种关系才是最深刻、最充实、最丰富、最美好的。

In my opinion, relationships are the most deep, fulfilling, rich, beautiful when they inspire growth, when both members of the relationship are pushing one another to grow.

那么这种推动是如何发生的呢？

And how does that push happen?

通过一点冲突，一点紧张感，一点挑战。

Through a little bit of conflict, through a little bit of tension, through a little bit of challenge.

我并不是说要大吵大闹，你知道的，不是那种。

Now I'm not saying like scream fighting, you know, like, no.

我指的是彼此挑战。

I'm talking about challenging one another.

我指的是有时会有分歧。

I'm talking about disagreeing sometimes.

我指的是当对方表现得像个混蛋时，要敢于直面对方。

I'm talking about confronting one another when they've been an asshole.

比如，甚至不一定是混蛋到那种程度，让人感觉，哦，那也太混蛋了。

Like, not even necessarily an asshole to the point where it's like, oh, that's too much of an asshole.

我们有时候都会是混蛋。

We're all assholes sometimes.

你明白吗？

You know?

我们有时候都会有点急躁。

We can all be a little snappy sometimes.

那种推拉，那种动态关系能促使双方都成长。

That push and pull, that kind of dynamic pushes both people to grow.

因为要想长久在一起，你们必须共同经历并成长。

Because in order to stay together, you gotta grow through it.

共同经历并成长。

Grow through it.

你们必须共同经历并成长。

You gotta grow through it.

一段太过轻松的关系有什么意义呢？

What is the point of relationship that's easy?

就像，人们总说，你知道的，好事多磨之类的。

Like, nothing they always say, you know, nothing good is easy or something.

我不确定。

I don't know.

这话听起来可能不太对，但你应该明白我的意思。

That that sound that sounds wrong, but you get the idea.

但是，你看，这也很微妙，因为爱情也不应该总是充满挑战。

But, see, it's tricky because also, like, love shouldn't always be challenging, though, either.

你明白吗？

You know?

大部分时间应该是快乐、令人愉悦的。

Majority of the time should be fun, should be enjoyable.

如果不是这样，那就存在问题。

And if it's not, then there is an issue.

这是一种平衡，至少在我的经验中，我不确定是否存在一个确切的比例。

It's a balance, and I don't know if there is any at least in my experience, like, I don't know exactly the percentage.

比如，大概70%的时间应该是愉快的，而30%的时间应该用来互相挑战。

Like, well, 70% of the time, it should be fun, and 30% of the time, you should be challenging one another.

你知道吗？

You know?

就是，我也不确定。

Like, I don't know.

我只是觉得，爱情要一直保持轻松的感觉是不现实的。

I just don't think it's realistic for love to feel easy all the time.

你明白吗？

You know?

那意味着关系中不会有人经历艰难时期，不会有人情绪低落一周，也不会有人偶尔质疑这段关系。

That assumes that no one's gonna go through a hard time in the relationship, that no one's gonna have a grumpy week, no one's gonna question the relationship sometimes.

这些其实都是正常现象，如果你们能共同经历并成长，反而会让你们的关系更加牢固。

Like, these are all normal things that if you can grow through together, will make you stronger together.

我觉得，你知道，爱情应该让人感到轻松。

I think, you know, love should feel easy.

只是，是的，这感觉有点不切实际。

It's just, yeah, it feels a little bit unrealistic.

如果你处在一段从未出现任何问题、好得令人难以置信的关系中，我可能会说那很可能有问题，因为我亲身经历过。

If you're in a relationship where nothing ever comes up and it seems too good to be true, I would argue it probably is because I've had that happen.

我曾有过一段从未争吵过的关系。

I had a relationship where I never fought once.

你想知道我们为什么从不吵架吗？

And you wanna know why we never fought?

因为我们根本不了解彼此。

Because we didn't even know each other.

哦，这可不好。

Oh, that's not good.

你知道吗？

You know?

我们不吵架是因为我们对彼此一无所知。

We didn't fight because we didn't know anything about each other.

我们没有充分地交流。

We didn't talk about stuff enough.

我们根本没有深入地谈过事情。

We didn't, like, get into shit.

我们甚至没有在对方面前哭过。

We didn't cry in front of each other.

我们从未向彼此表达过自己的压力和焦虑。

We didn't we didn't express our stresses, our anxieties to each other.

我们对任何事情都不敞开心扉。

We open up about anything.

我们一直都是表面功夫，根本不够深入，无法让人感到满足。

We were just surface level the whole time, and it was not nearly deep enough to be satisfying.

但我们没有争吵、没有冲突，也从未出现过问题，却还是分手了。

But we didn't fight or butt heads or ever have any issues, but we still broke up.

直到今天，我依然不太清楚我们为什么会分手，就是因为从不沟通。

And I still, to this day, don't even know really why we broke up because it's, like, because we never talked.

所以，总之，好吧。

So anyway, okay.

下一个。

Next.

下一条现代约会建议：出轨测试。

Next piece of modern dating advice, the cheating test.

这个概念真是糟透了。

This concept is so fucked up.

用一个假账号，比如用一张性感头像之类的，给你的另一半发消息，看看他们会不会回复并背叛你。

Message your significant other from a fake account with, like, a hot profile picture or whatever, and see if they respond and cheat on you.

如果你需要对伴侣做这种事，那你为什么不信任他们呢？

If you need to do this with your partner, why don't you trust them?

把这个问题彻底搞清楚。

Get to the bottom of that.

这正是你需要彻底弄清楚的事情。

That is what you need to get to the bottom of.

如果你知道他们是个骗子，这让你抓狂，因为你会想，哦，我原谅了他们，因为他们曾经背叛过我一次。

And if you know that they're a cheater and it's driving you nuts, because you're like, oh, I forgave them because they cheated on me once.

我害怕他们会再次这样做。

I'm scared that they're gonna do it again.

我认为，也许他们只是不适合你。

I believe it's maybe they're just not right for you.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

如果你需要做到这种地步，就为了让自己心里好受一点，那问题就大了。

If you have to go to this extent to, like, ease something in your mind, there is a big issue.

这应该被哔哔哔掉。

This should be beep beep beep.

肯定有什么地方不对劲。

Something's going wrong.

我需要弄清楚哪里出了问题。

I need to figure out what is going wrong.

无论是你因为过去的感情经历而存在信任问题，还是由于伴侣做了可疑的事情导致你不信任他们，又或者你可能极度焦虑型依恋，需要得到某种形式的安抚或保证。

Whether it's you have trust issues from a past relationship, or you don't trust your partner for some reason because they do sus things, or you maybe are super anxiously attached, and you need, like, reassurance or something.

我不知道。

I don't know.

听着。

Listen.

但你必须深挖下去。

But you gotta dig into it.

听着。

Listen.

我明白。

I get it.

在爱情中，我们有时会陷入一种奇怪的状态，开始做一些有点强迫性的事情，一些我们通常不会做的事，老实说，一些不符合我们性格的事。

In love, we can sometimes get into a weird state where we start doing stuff that is a little bit obsessive, stuff that we wouldn't normally do, stuff that is honestly out of character.

因为爱情就像毒品，它会让你陷入一种奇怪的状态，所以你可能会开始做些奇怪的事情。

Because love is like a drug, and it kinda puts you in a weird place, and so you might start doing weird things.

当时可能很容易为自己辩解，但在我看来，如果你正在进行所谓的'出轨测试'，那你就需要清醒一下了，这不是在侮辱你。

And it can be easy to justify in the moment, but in my opinion, if you are participating in the cheating test, you need a reality check, and that's not an insult.

这就像是，等一下。

That's just like, hold on a minute.

这里发生什么事了？

What's going on here?

你完全陷在里面了，以至于做了一些有点奇怪的事情。

You're all wrapped up in this so much so that you're doing something a little bit weird.

退后一步。

Zoom out.

出去散个步。

Go for a walk outside.

深呼吸一下。

Take a deep breath.

你为什么要这么做？

Why are you doing that?

打开日记本。

Open up the journal.

打开它，开始把东西写下来。

Crack it open, and start writing shit down.

你为什么要这么做？

Why are you doing that?

看看你能发现什么。

And see what you discover.

但让我告诉你，无论你和伴侣之间有什么问题，都有一个比你目前做法更合理、更体面的解决方案。

But let me tell you, there is a solution to whatever your issue is with your partner that is much more reasonable and much more respectable than what you're doing.

不是要侮辱你，因为我理解你为什么这么做，因为有时候这很诱人。

Not to insult you, because I get why you're doing it, because it's tempting sometimes.

如果你有疑虑，如果你感到不安，但你非常爱你的伴侣，你会觉得，唉。

If you have suspicions, if you feel insecure, but you love your partner so much, you're like, ugh.

我只是需要测试一下它们，确保没问题。

I just need to test them and make sure.

不。

No.

你不需要。

You don't.

你需要去和心理治疗师谈谈。

You need to talk to a therapist.

你需要和他们分手。

You need to break up with them.

你不需要创建一个虚假账号。

You don't need to make a fake account.

我的意思是，我不知道有多少人在这么做。

I mean, I don't know how many people are doing that.

而且，如果你正在这么做，我并不是在评判你。

And, I'm not judging you if you're doing that.

我只是想说，那是一个巨大的警报信号。

I'm just saying that you that's a big alarm bell.

最后但同样重要的是，我之前讨论过这个，但必须把它列入清单，因为这是现代、时髦的约会建议：翻看伴侣的手机是可以的。

And last but not least, I've discussed this before, but had to put it on the list because it's modern, trendy dating advice, It's okay to look through your partner's phone.

如果你对伴侣的忠诚度有任何怀疑，就去翻看他们的手机，看看你能发现什么。

If you have any doubts about your partner's loyalty, go through their phone and see what you can find.

这就像是创建一个假账号来测试伴侣是否会出轨的温和版本。

This is like a milder version of making a fake account and seeing if your partner cheats.

这有点太阴险了。

That's a little bit too diabolical.

翻看手机这件事，我知道有些人可能不同意我的看法。

Going through the phone, I still I some people might disagree with me.

我确实认为这是侵犯隐私的行为。

I do see it as a breach of privacy.

现在问题来了：如果你不信任伴侣到想要查看他们手机的地步，在我看来，要么是你对他们的不信任程度已经严重到应该分手，要么是你自身存在严重问题，以至于无法成为一个尊重伴侣隐私的伴侣。

Now here's the tricky thing, If you don't trust your partner to the point where you'd wanna check their phone, you either do not trust them to a point that, in my opinion, warrants a breakup, or you have personal issues that are so severe that you can't be a partner that respects your partner's privacy.

听着。

Listen.

比如，我不希望我的伴侣翻看我的手机，因为有时候我想给我妈发短信说，某某某让我很恼火。

Like, I don't want my partners going through my phone because sometimes I wanna text my mom and be like, so and so's pissing me off.

有些人可能会争辩说，嗯，你不应该和你妈妈进行那样的对话。

And some would argue like, well, you shouldn't be having those conversations with your mom.

你应该和你的伴侣进行那些对话。

You should be having those conversations with your partner.

是的。

Yeah.

但我是个人啊。

But I'm a human being.

或者有时候我想给朋友发消息说，哎呀，你知道吗，我五年前的前任刚干了这事。

Or sometimes I wanna text my friend and be like, oh, man, like, you know, my ex from five years ago just did this.

我刚刚看到了。

I just saw it.

这太疯狂了。

It's so crazy.

比如，我并不一定需要我的伴侣看到那些内容。

Like, and I don't need necessarily my partner to see that.

我觉得，保留一点隐私是可以的。

Like, it's okay, I think, to have a little bit of privacy.

尽管说我疯狂好了。

Call me crazy.

我个人相信这一点。

I personally believe in that.

我从未翻看过伴侣的手机，甚至从未有过这种念头，因为我觉得这样做太不对了。

I've never went through a partner's phone, and I've never even been tempted, to be honest, because it feels so wrong to me.

如果有人想看我手机里的内容，我会直接给他们看。

And if somebody wants to see something on my phone, I'll just show them.

但说实话，我不确定。

But, yeah, I don't know.

这感觉太偷偷摸摸了，我觉得这不像爱，这是我的观点。

It just it feels sneaky, and it doesn't feel like love to me, and that's my opinion.

但再说一遍，有些人可能不同意我的看法。

But again, some people might disagree with me.

我知道很多人觉得这没什么问题。

I know a lot of people think it's okay.

我不这么觉得。

I don't.

但也要知道，我听过太多这样的故事了，人们会说，谢天谢地我查了伴侣的手机，因为他们出轨了，而且证据确凿。

But also, know that there are like, I've heard so many stories of people being like, thank God I checked my partner's phone because they were cheating on me, and there was a bunch of proof.

当我听到这样的故事时，我就会想，真是见鬼了。

And when I hear stories like that, I'm like, fuck.

也许这主意并不坏。

Like, maybe it's not a bad idea.

我也不知道。

I don't know.

这确实很棘手。

It's really tricky.

对我来说，这是侵犯隐私。

To me, it's a breach of privacy.

这有点不尊重人。

It's kinda disrespectful.

对我来说，这有点不尊重这段关系。

To me to me, kinda disrespects the relationship.

如果你不相信你的伴侣会告诉你他们和谁聊天、和谁交往，如果你觉得必须翻看他们的手机才能知道他们在做什么，那你们为什么在一起？

If you don't trust your partner to tell you about the conversations that they're having and who they're talking to and who they're hanging out with and stuff like that, if you think you need to check their phone to see what they're doing, why are you together?

这明显是个危险信号，而翻看手机并不能解决这个问题。

Like, that that's a red flag, and checking the phone isn't gonna fix it.

总之，今天我就说这些。

Anyway, that's all I got for today.

如果你在视频上传后听到这段话，提前祝你情人节快乐。

If you're listening to this when it's uploaded, happy early Valentine's Day.

希望你拥有一个美好的情人节。

I hope you have a beautiful Valentine's Day.

如果你还没约到伴侣，那就把我当成你的 Valentine，我也把你当成我的，因为至少在录制这段话时，我也没有。

And if you don't have a Valentine lined up, consider me your Valentine, and I'll consider you mine, because I don't have one, at least at the time of recording this.

不过情况会变，因为我都是提前录制的。

Although things change, and I record ahead of time.

所以也许你们当中，也许艾玛已经有了一个小小的情人节伴侣。

So maybe maybe you guys, maybe Emma has a little Valentine.

很可能没有。

Probably not.

很可能没有。

Probably not.

没有。

No.

等等。

Wait.

我不该这么说。

I shouldn't say that.

我刚敲了木头。

I just knocked on wood.

我想今年我或许会有个情人。

I think I will have a Valentine this year, perhaps.

我提前录了这段，所以说不定能有个不错的情人节。

I'm recording this ahead of time enough that I might have a good Valentine.

不是特别确定的，但可能有点小暗恋，说不定能成为情人节对象之类的。

Not a solid one, but maybe a little crush that could be a Valentine or something of the sort.

我不知道。

I don't know.

走着瞧吧。

We'll see.

生活太疯狂了，事情发生得很快，你永远不知道接下来会发生什么。

Life is crazy and things happen fast, and you never know what's gonna happen.

所以我只能就这样，你知道的？

So I'm just gonna you know?

但无论如何，无论我最后有没有找到情人节对象，你依然是我的情人节，我依然是你的。

But either way, whether I end up finding a Valentine or not, you're still my Valentine, and I'm still and I'm still yours.

情人节快乐，我的爱人。

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

你真美。

You're beautiful.

不。

No.

但你真的真的很美。

You really are, though.

今天这一集就到这里了。

That's all for today's episode.

希望你们喜欢这一集。

I hope you enjoyed it.

如果喜欢的话，每周四都会更新《Anything Goes》的新集数。

If you did, new episodes of anything goes every Thursday.

在Spotify和YouTube上观看。

Watch on Spotify and YouTube.

在社交媒体上任何平台搜索《Anything Goes》收听。

Listen anywhere on social media at anything goes.

我在互联网上的名字是Emma Chamberlain。

I'm on the Internet at Emma Chamberlain.

我的咖啡公司确实存在，名叫Chamberlain Coffee。

My coffee company exists and is called Chamberlain Coffee.

如果你有兴趣，可以去看看。

Check it out if you want.

我爱你们大家。

I love you all.

我感谢你们所有人。

I appreciate you all.

总是充满欢乐。

It's always a joy.

下周再聊。

I'll talk to you next week.

爱你。

Love you.

情人节快乐。

Happy Valentine's Day.

爱你们。

Love you.

再见。

Bye.