浪漫与友情，建议专场

大家好，欢迎回到建议环节，这是我们的'无所不谈'系列节目，你可以提交你当前遇到的困境或任何问题，真的是任何你想获得建议的事情。然后我会给你我的专业建议。今天的话题是浪漫与友情之间复杂的关系。明白吗？无论你是在和你五年的朋友约会，还是讨厌你另一半的挚友，友情和浪漫之间总有一种奇怪又复杂的关系。

Hey there, and welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything, and I mean anything, you want advice on. And then I give you my own professional advice. And today's topic is the complicated relationship between romance and friendship. Okay? Whether you're dating your friend of five years or you hate your significant other's best friends, there's, like, a weird, complicated relationship between friendship and romance.

确实如此。不知为何就是一团乱麻。所以这就是我们今天要深入探讨的内容。那么我想我们就不多废话了，直接开始吧。我稍微暂停一下这期节目，想告诉大家本节目由eBay赞助播出。

There just is. It's messy for some reason. And so that's what we're gonna be diving into today. So I guess without further ado, let's begin. I briefly paused this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by eBay.

我们都有那件标志性单品。你懂的。那件完全代表你的东西。你基本上已经因为它而出名了。如果你还没有找到属于你的那件，你可以在eBay上找到它。

We all have that piece. You know the one. The thing that's so you. You've basically become known for it. And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay.

让我来告诉你们吧，朋友们。eBay就是你能找到那些独一无二、让人忍不住反复研究、夜不能寐想着要入手的单品的地方。我说的是那些Miu Miu秀场款的红色皮夹克，带牛仔图案的Cousteau Barcelona上衣，或是2017年配色的抓绒衣。所有这些好物都能在eBay找到。他们甚至提供数百万件有真实性保证的主角级单品。

Let me put you on, people. EBay is where you'll find those one of a kind, can't stop researching, stay up dreaming about pieces again and again. I'm talking about that Miu Miu off the runway red leather bomber, that Cousteau Barcelona top with the cowboy on it, or that fleece in the 2017 colorway. All of these finds are on eBay. They even offer millions of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee.

eBay是二手复古时尚的天堂。eBay，人们热爱的好物。现在让我们回到节目。有人说：我男朋友有个女性闺蜜。她已经结婚有家庭了，但他们的友谊还是让我觉得过于亲密不舒服。

EBay is the place for pre loved in vintage fashion. EBay, things people love. Now let's get back to the episode. Somebody said, my boyfriend has a female bestie. She's married and has a family, but their friendship still feels too close for my comfort.

我该怎么办？这确实很难，因为我觉得当我们的另一半和他们理论上可能产生吸引力的人做朋友时，我们产生保护欲几乎是种生物本能。根据我的经验，这种感觉几乎是天生的、不可避免的。在理想世界里，我们应该能坦然接受另一半和他们理论上可能喜欢的人做朋友，对吧？

What do I do? This is tough because I think it's almost biological or something for us to get protective over our significant others when they're friends with someone who technically they could be attracted to. Like, from my experience with that, it almost feels innate and, like, inevitable. In an ideal world, we would feel comfortable with our significant others being friends with somebody who could they could technically be attracted to. Right?

我想我们都希望能达到那种自我安全感的高度，在关系中拥有自信。但对大多数人来说，大多数时候这种情况都会让人不舒服。我们不喜欢自己的另一半有他们理论上可能发生关系的朋友。当然，理论上我们可以和任何人发生关系，但你们懂我的意思——就是那些他们愿意与之发生关系的人。

I think we all would love to reach that level of security in ourselves, in our relationships, confidence in ourselves, in our relationships. But I think for most of us, majority of the time, this is an uncomfortable situation. We don't like when our significant others have friends that they could technically have sex with. Well, we could have sex with anyone, but you get what I'm saying. Like, they would be down to have sex with.

对吧？这并不理想。但我们可以与那些理论上也能产生身体吸引力的人保持柏拉图式友谊。对吧？这就是事实。

Right? It's not ideal. However, we can be platonic friends with people that we could also technically be physically attracted to. Right? This is just a fact.

有些人不同意我的观点。有些人坚信，两个理论上可能互相吸引的人之间的关系，通常带有某种性暗示。有些人真的这么认为。但我相信，因为我有过这样的经历，你知道吗？比如，我曾与直男做过朋友，从我这方完全是柏拉图式的，说实话，他们那边也是。

Some people disagree with me on that. Some people are pretty adamant about believing that relationships between two people who could technically be attracted to each other, there's usually some sort of sexual undertone. Some people really believe that. I do believe, because I've experienced this, that you know? Like, I've been friends with with straight men before, and it'd been completely platonic on my end and, honestly, on their end as well.

也许他们内心深处对我有点好感，但没有明确表示，一切都很正常。所以我确实认为这是可能的。有些人不同意我的观点。我认为这是可能的。听着。

Maybe deep down, they had a little crush on me, but they didn't make it clear, and everything was fine. So I do think it's possible. Some people disagree with me on that. I think it's possible. Listen.

明白吗？首先，你不应该感到内疚。如果你对自己的感受感到内疚，那大可不必。好吗？就像我刚才提到的，我认为这是一种生理反应，这种保护欲、怀疑感，那种‘等等，他们会不会最终爱上那个人然后抛弃我’的感觉。

Okay? To start, you shouldn't feel guilty. If you are feeling guilty about how you feel, you shouldn't. Okay? As I just mentioned, I think this is sort of a biological thing, this feeling of protectiveness, of skepticism, of, you know, feeling like, wait, are they gonna end up falling in love with that person and leaving me for them?

我觉得这很正常很自然，但关键在于你如何应对这些感受。你能控制的是如何处理这些情绪。你无法控制自己的感受。如果这让你感到威胁和不舒服，你无法控制这种感觉。明白我的意思吗？

Like, I think that that's normal and natural, but it's what you do about those feelings that matters. It's what you do about those feelings that you have control over. You don't have control over the way you feel. If you if that feels threatening and uncomfortable for you, you can't control that. You know what I'm saying?

这就是你的感受。所以现在你得决定接下来怎么做。我认为你有几个选择。第一，你可以直面伴侣，完全坦诚地说：听着，这种友谊让我很不舒服。

That's how you feel. So now you have to figure out what you're gonna do. I think you have a few options here. Number one, you could confront your partner and just be completely honest and say, listen. This friendship makes me uncomfortable.

我真的不知道该怎么办，因为你们是朋友，我也不能阻止你们的友谊。但这确实困扰我，让我很不自在。我们一起想个解决办法吧，因为我也没答案。好吗？

I don't really know what to do because you both are friends, and I can't really stop you both from being friends. But it really bothers me. It makes me uncomfortable. And let's come up with a solution together because I don't really have the answer. Okay?

这是第一个也是最好的选择。你把问题摆出来，然后说：听着，我不知道该怎么解决这个问题。你觉得怎样比较合适？你认为我们该怎么做？

That's the first and probably best option. You present the problem and say, listen. I don't know how to solve this. What are you comfortable with? What do you think we should do?

某种程度上把它留在伴侣心里。这是第一种选择。第二种选择，我认为是进行一些自我反思。不必立即提出来，试着弄清楚为什么这件事让你如此困扰。

And kinda leave it in your partner's core in a way. So that's option number one. Option number two, I would say, would be to do a bit of soul searching. Don't necessarily bring it up immediately. Try to figure out why this bothers you so much.

你觉得这只是某种天生的生物保护本能，还是因为你可能有些潜在的信任问题，或许源于过去的一段关系，现在以非理性的方式浮现？或者你是否在自尊心方面有所挣扎？我这么说并非对你不敬，我自己也经历过无数次这种情况，这很正常。

Do you think it's just sort of innate biological protectiveness, or do you think that you have some sort of underlying trust issues perhaps from a past relationship that's now coming up here in a way that's irrational? Or do you think that maybe you're struggling with your self esteem? And I'm not saying that in a rude or derogatory way towards you. I've experienced this a trillion times. It's very normal.

但如果我们自尊心低落，有时会把某些人模糊地视为竞争对手，比如那个和你男友交好的已婚女性，某种程度上会把不安全感发泄在她身上。是这样吗？进行一些自我反思，找出根源是有意义的。如果你发现，等等，我有些问题需要解决，那就去处理它，对吧？

But if our self esteem is low, we can sometimes look at somebody who we might vaguely deem as competition, you know, this married woman who's friends with your with your boyfriend, and sort of take out our insecurity on that person in a way. Is it that? It might make sense to do a little bit of soul searching and figure out where it's coming from. And if you discover, oh, wait, I think I have some stuff that I need to work out, then that's what you do to handle it. Right?

你不一定非要提出来。因为我觉得听着——我一向主张沟通，我的第一建议几乎总是提出来和伴侣好好谈谈。

You don't necessarily need to bring it up. Because I think listen. I'm always all about communication. My immediate suggestion is almost always gonna be bring it up. Talk through it with your partner.

但恋爱关系中有些时刻，先理清自己的想法再展开对话会更好。因为如果你带着尚未成熟的观点去找对方，可能会让对方困惑，甚至误解你的本意。这会让事情复杂化。先自我梳理往往能让你更清晰地知道该怎么做，明白吗？

But there are moments in relationships where where it can be nice to figure yourself out first before you go and have a conversation because it can sometimes be sort of confusing for your partner perhaps if you go to them with sort of an underdeveloped point of view, and then they get confused, and they're maybe misreading where you're coming from. It can be complicated. It can be really nice to sort of figure yourself out first. And a lot of times, that will give you a clearer direction of what to do. You know?

比如你可以立刻提出来速战速决，也可以先内省再让思考结果指引决定。两种方法都可行。区别在于第一种直接表明'我不舒服，原因不重要，我们一起来解决'，而第二种更注重自我探索后的表达。

Like, you can bring it up right away and just knock it out, but you could also look inward first and then let that guide your decision. I think both approaches work. I think the difference between the two approaches is that the first approach, just bringing it up and saying, listen, I'm uncomfortable, and it doesn't really matter why. I'm uncomfortable, and let's figure this out. What do you think we should do?

这很好，因为我认为共同寻找解决方案确实有帮助，但这样确实少了一些自我反省。所以我认为只有你能决定是否需要这种反省。如果你觉得需要，那么第二个选项更适合你。或者说，好吧，我先要弄清楚是什么在困扰我，为什么它会困扰我。

That's good because I think working together to figure out a solution is really helpful, But there's definitely a bit less soul searching in that. And so I think only you can decide if the soul searching is necessary. And if you think it is, then option two works better for you. Or it's like, okay. I'm gonna figure out what's bothering me first, why it's bothering me.

这是理性的，还是有点不理性？然后根据发现的情况决定下一步，要么自己解决，要么提出来讨论。好的，下一个。

Is it rational, or is it a bit irrational? And then make take the next step from there. Either resolve it on your own or bring it up depending on what you discover. Okay. Next.

有人说，我不喜欢我男朋友最好的朋友。我们处在一个全是情侣的朋友圈里。我一直和他这个好友相处得不太好，但之前还算过得去。总的来说，他不是个好人，对我对他女朋友都很刻薄，我觉得他有点性别歧视。

Somebody said, I don't like my boyfriend's best friend. We're in a friend group where we're all couples. I never got along with his bestie that well, but it was okay for a while. Overall, he's not a nice guy, though. He's mean to me and to his girlfriend, and I think he's kind of misogynistic.

前几天他对我很无礼，我为此哭了。我该怎么处理这种情况？如果他不是我男朋友最好的朋友，我永远都不想再见到他。我该对我男朋友说什么？这是我的看法。

The other day, he was rude to me, and I cried about it. How do I go about this situation? If he weren't my boyfriend's best friend, I would never wanna see him again. What do I tell my boyfriend? This is my opinion.

我认为你什么事都不和你男朋友谈。我觉得你应该和这个男生谈谈，好吗？我认为你应该和你男朋友最好的朋友谈谈，你需要直面他。

I think you don't talk to your boyfriend about anything. I think you talk to this boy. Okay? I think you talk to your boyfriend's best friend. I think you need to confront him.

听着，你男朋友和一个混蛋做朋友是不是有点危险信号？是的。但你知道，我不清楚你男朋友了解多少。比如，他有没有看到这个朋友对你和他女朋友的刻薄行为？

Listen. Is it kind of a red flag that your boyfriend is friends with an asshole? Yes. But, you know, I don't know how much your boyfriend knows. Like, is your boyfriend seeing him be mean to you and his girlfriend?

你知道吗？我不清楚。我不了解全部情况。所以我宁愿相信他没有亲眼看到这些行为，还觉得没问题。你懂吗？

You know? I don't know. Like, I don't know the full story. So I'd like to believe he's not seeing that with his own two eyes and just saying it's alright. You know?

比如，我愿意相信如果他亲眼所见，他会为你挺身而出，最好也能为他的女友站出来。但假设他并不完全清楚发生了什么，我认为最合理的做法是直接面对你男友的这位好友，因为问题确实出在他身上。明白吗？而且你们同在一个朋友圈里。想象一下，如果你在这个圈子里而男友不在场的情形。

Like, I'd like to believe if he saw that with his own two eyes, he would stand up for you and ideally even the girlfriend as well. But assuming that he's not fully aware of what's going on, I think it makes most sense to confront your boyfriend's best friend because he's really the problem. Okay? And you're all in a friend group. It's like, imagine you were in this friend group and your boyfriend wasn't present.

对吧？显然，我知道你说过如果不是因为男友，你根本不想再见到这个人。但你们同在一个有很多人的大朋友圈，我打赌你其实很享受和他们相处，否则你也不会和他们做朋友。所以想象一下，如果你在这个圈子里而男友不在场，你会怎么做？

Right? Obviously, I know you said that if you weren't with your boyfriend, you'd never wanna see this guy again, but you're in a big friend group with a lot of people that I bet you really enjoy. Otherwise, you wouldn't be friends with them. So imagine you were in this friend group and your boyfriend wasn't present. What would you do?

你会无人可诉，只能直接找这个人说：嘿，你真是个混蛋。懂吗？我们必须解决这个问题。

You'd have no one to to complain to. You'd have to just go to this person and say, hey. You're an asshole. You know? Like, we need to figure this out.

听着，这不是你该说的原话，但你明白我的意思。暂时把你男友从等式中拿开，因为这真的与他无关。关键在于你和这个糟糕、刻薄的男孩之间的关系。对吧？

Listen. That's not what you should say, but you get what I'm saying. Like, kinda take your boyfriend out of the equation for a second because it really isn't about your boyfriend. It's really about your relationship with this boy who sucks, who's mean. Right?

我的建议是——听着，我知道这让人不舒服，但在朋友圈里有时不得不这么做。我认为你应该直面这个男孩，告诉他：听着，我很珍惜这个朋友圈。

My suggestion would be and listen. I know this is uncomfortable, but in a friend group, sometimes this is what has to be done. Okay? I would say confront this boy and say, listen. I enjoy being in this friend group.

显然，我男友是你最好的朋友。但和你相处让我很困扰，因为我发现你不断在冒犯我。你对你女友的不尊重也让我生气。总的来说你不是个友善的人。而我真心希望能和你建立牢固的友谊，因为不仅我爱我男友并想支持他，还因为我们同属一个朋友圈。

Obviously, my boyfriend's your best friend. Being around you is is tough for me because I find that you you're constantly disrespecting me. I mean, you're also disrespecting your girlfriend, which makes me upset. And you're just overall not a nice guy. And, like, I really want to have a strong friendship with you, and I really wanna get along with you because not only do I love my boyfriend and I want to, you know, support him, but also because we're all in a friend group together.

当大家能愉快相处时，生活才更有趣。所以我想弄明白到底怎么回事。很多时候人们表现得混蛋是因为防御机制——他们内心受伤。很可能这个男孩出于某种原因正在承受痛苦。

And life is more fun when we can all have fun together. So I just wanna understand what's going on. A lot of times people are assholes because it's a defense mechanism. They're hurting. There's a good chance that for what somehow, for whatever reason, this boy's hurting.

我是说，听着，他会向你敞开心扉吗？大概率不会。但某种程度上你可以问问他，发生什么事了？懂吗？就是，你还好吗？

And, I mean, listen, is he gonna open up to you? Probably not. But in a way being like, what's going on? You know? Like, are you okay?

你为什么这样？为什么这样对人？这不仅伤害别人，也表明你自己在受伤，你正在受伤。明白吗？到底怎么了？

Why are you acting like this? Why are you treating people like this? Not only is it hurting others, but it's a sign that you're hurting, that you are hurting. You know? What's going on?

如果你能问问他发生了什么，并尽力对他表示一点同理心，你会惊讶地发现这能让人软化多少。事实上如果你不直面他，显然他女朋友也没这么做。就像，没人会做。如果有人表现得像个混蛋，就必须有人站出来。告诉他‘你不能这样’才是正确的做法。

If you can ask him what's going on and try to the best of your ability to be a little empathetic with him, you'd be shocked at how much that can soften a person up. And the truth is if you don't confront him, it's clear his girlfriend's not doing it. Like, no one will. Somebody has to confront him if he's being an asshole. And it's the right thing to do to tell him what's up and say, you can't act like this.

和他相处很糟糕，明显有什么在困扰你。发生什么事了？我真的认为这样做是对的。如果进展顺利，问题就解决了。你可以开始和他建立友谊。

It's horrible to be around, and it's clear that something's bothering you. What's going on? Like, I really think that that's the right thing to do. Now if this goes well, problem solved. You know, you can start to develop a friendship with this guy.

希望这能让他软化。也许能让他意识到自己恶劣的态度，甚至开始对他女朋友好点。谁知道呢？温和的对抗能带来什么改变，真是难以预料。

Hopefully, it'll soften him up. Maybe it'll wake him up to his evil demeanor, and he'll maybe even start being nicer to his girlfriend. Like, who knows? You know? It's crazy what can come from gentle confrontation.

对吧？有时候人们就需要被直面指出问题并适度打压，这会改变一切。但也有可能不起作用。那如果你对抗他后，他继续把你和他女朋友当垃圾对待，继续让人难以忍受，你该怎么办？

Right? Sometimes people just need to be confronted and humbled in a way, and it'll change everything. But there's also a chance that that won't work out. Okay? So what happens if you confront him and he continues to treat you and his girlfriend like shit and he continues to just be horrible to be around, what do you do?

我觉得到那时，确实该和你男朋友谈谈了——听着，我不知道该怎么办，因为你最好的朋友让人难以忍受。和他相处让我心情很差。我不知道还能不能继续和这群朋友来往。我想和你一起拥有这个朋友圈，但因为这个家伙实在太痛苦了。

I think at that point, it does make sense to talk to your boyfriend and be like, listen. I don't know what to do because your best friend is horrible to be around. Being around him puts me in a bad mood. I I don't know that I can hang out with this group of friends anymore. Like, I wanna be able to have this group of friends with you, but it's so miserable because of this guy.

我已经试着和他对质了，但现在卡在这个节点上。我真的不想再参与这个朋友圈了，但我又爱你。所以我想和你朋友以及我们共同的朋友相处。我现在很纠结，你觉得我该怎么办？

And I've tried to confront him, and I'm just stuck at this point. I don't really wanna be a part of this friend group anymore, but also I love you. And so I wanna hang out with your friends and our friends. Like, I'm stuck. What do you think I should do?

就像我们讨论第一个困境时我给出的建议那样，我认为完全可以和伴侣坦诚沟通，告诉他：听着，这是问题所在，现在帮我一起想个解决办法。因为每当感情出现挑战时，都涉及到两个人。

Similar to my last piece of advice for the first dilemma that we discussed, I think it's totally okay to confront your partner and say, listen. Here's the problem. Now help me come up with a solution. You know? Because whenever you're having challenges in a relationship, there are two people involved.

我不认为独自想出解决方案总是明智的。比如你和伴侣出了问题，却躲进卧室单方面想出方案，然后到厨房宣布'这就是解决办法'——这往往行不通，毕竟关系是两个人的事。很多时候最佳方案需要共同商讨，除非你非常清楚自己需要什么。对吧？

And I don't always think it makes sense to come up with a solution on your own. Like, if you're having a problem with your significant other and then you go hide out in your bedroom and come up with a solution, then come out to the kitchen and say, hey, here's the solution. That doesn't always work because, again, there's two people in the relationship. I think the best solution is found collaboratively a lot of times, unless you know for sure what you need. Right?

但有时我们就是不知道。就像你现在这样，既不知该如何处理，也不知怎么解决，内心充满矛盾和困惑。

But sometimes we don't know. And in this situation, you don't know how to go about it. You don't know how to solve it. You're conflicted. You're confused.

所以我觉得可以主动找伴侣商量：我们该怎么办？我不能再这样下去了，需要共同找出解决方案。你觉得呢？

So I think it can be really helpful to go go to your partner and say, what should we do? You know? I can't keep going on like this. We need to figure out a solution. What do you think?

希望你们能找到两全其美的办法。如果你男友确实需要和那个人保持友谊，也许他可以单独去见面；或者他决定和朋友严肃谈话，若对方不改就结束这段友谊。

And, you know, hopefully, you both can can find a happy solution where both of you are getting what you need. You know? Like, if your boyfriend really needs to be friends with this guy, then maybe it means that he goes and hangs out with that guy without you. Maybe your boyfriend decides that he's gonna have a serious conversation with his friend. And if his friend doesn't improve his behavior, he's gonna end the friendship.

具体方案我无法替你决定，只有你们两人能商定。但我真的建议你先试着和那个朋友对质。好了，下一个话题。

Like but it's it's impossible for me to give advice on what that is. Only you two can decide. But I do really think you should try to confront the friend first. Okay. Next.

有人说，我的伴侣希望我和他一个我实在不喜欢的朋友交朋友，这让我非常难受。我们该如何应对这种情况？要知道，我们不可能喜欢伴侣生活中的每一个人。这几乎是不可避免的，总会有那么一两个人和我们合不来。

Somebody said, my partner wants me to be friends with one of his friends that I really don't like, and they trigger me badly. How do we get through this? Well, we're not gonna like everyone in our partners' lives. Okay? It's kind of inevitable that there's gonna be someone in our partners' lives that we just don't get along with.

可能是兄弟姐妹，可能是某个亲戚，也可能是朋友。这是无法避免的。重要的是找到共处的方式。

It might be a sibling. It might be a family member. It might be a friend. This is inevitable. Now it is important to find a way to coexist.

对吧？如果因为讨厌伴侣生活中的某个人到无法共处一室的程度，这绝对不健康。比如现在这个情况，你真的很不喜欢男朋友的某个朋友。理想状态下，至少应该达到能和平共处的程度。

Right? It's definitely not healthy to dislike someone in your partner's life so much to the point that you can't even be around each other. Right? Like, let's say well, in this case, you know, you really don't like your boyfriend's friend. Ideally, you can get to a place where you can at least coexist.

举个例子，在你男友的生日派对上，不应该因为你们互相讨厌就毁掉整个晚上。这对你的伴侣不公平。再说一次，不喜欢伴侣生活中的某些人几乎是必然的，所以必须找到共处之道。

So for example, at your boyfriend's birthday party, it's not like the whole evening is ruined because you guys hate each other. Right? That's not fair to your partner. And, again, it's sort of inevitable that you're not gonna like everyone in your partner's life. So you kinda have to figure out a way to coexist.

我的建议是：当你不得不面对时——比如伴侣生日，或者他特别期待某场足球赛并邀请你和朋友一起观看时——试着从内心找到与这个人共处的方式。因为他很重视这次聚会，他热爱这支球队，希望所有人都在场。为了男友着想，尊重这一点很重要。但我觉得你没必要和他朋友成为朋友。

So I think I would suggest that you try to find it in yourself to find a way to coexist with this person when you absolutely have to, when it's your partner's birthday, when, you know, your partner's really excited about a football game and invites you and his friends to this football game. And it's really important to him that everybody's there because he loves this football team, and he just wants everybody to be to be together. Whatever. Like, do think that it's important to respect that for the sake of your boyfriend. However, I don't think you need to be friends with your boyfriend's friend.

明白吗？如果男友只是说'我们能不能想办法和平共处'，这个要求还算合理。有时候在感情中我们不得不妥协、牺牲，处理些糟心事。

Okay? It'd be one thing if your boyfriend was saying like, hey. Can we find a way to coexist? I think that's a fair request. You know, sometimes we have to compromise, sacrifice, and deal with unfortunate shit in relationships.

当两个人在一起时，这种情况不可避免。总会出现复杂的问题，有时候我们只能面对，因为这就是感情的一部分。要求和平共处是合理的，但成为朋友这种事不能强求。他不能要求你必须和他朋友做朋友。

Like, it's inevitable when two people are involved with each other. Complicated things always arise, and we have to sometimes just deal with it because that's a part of being in a relationship. Coexisting is a fair request. Being friends, I think that's something you can't force. Like, he can't ask you to be friends with his friend.

遗憾的是，友谊无法强求。你和某人要么投缘，要么不投缘。所以如果你和某人不投缘，你肯定能找到一种共存的方式。每个人都能共存，但你无法强求友谊。我认为这正是你需要告诉你男友的。

Unfortunately, friendship can't be forced. You're either clicking with someone or you're not. And so if you're not clicking with someone, you can definitely find a way to coexist. Everyone can coexist, but you can't force that friendship. And I think that that's what you need to tell your boyfriend.

你需要这样说：听着，我会优先考虑以一种不会给你带来任何痛苦或困扰的方式与他共存。对吧？当我们因为某个活动或事件需要聚在一起时，你希望所有你爱的人都在场，我会出席并想办法保持气氛愉快，同时与他保持距离。我会处理好这种情况。

You need to be like, listen. I'm gonna make it a priority to be able to coexist with him in a way that doesn't cause any grief or upset for you. Right? When we're all together because something is happening, an event is occurring where you want everyone all together, all your loved ones all together, I will show up and I will find a way to keep the spirits up and keep my distance from him. Like, I'll manage that situation.

对吧？但我无法强求友谊，而且我和这个人就是不投缘。我很抱歉。我其实很希望能和他成为朋友，但我们就是不投缘。所以你可以告诉你男友，让我们的关系保持独立。

Right? But I can't force friendship, and and I don't click with this person. And I'm sorry. Like, I wish I would love to be friends with him, but we just don't click. And so you can tell your boyfriend having our relationships be separate.

对吧？让你和你最好朋友的友谊独立于我和你的恋爱关系之外，这很关键，因为我就是不喜欢这个人。我很抱歉。但这完全没问题。

Right? Having your friendship with your best friend be separate from my relationship with you, my boyfriend, is gonna be crucial because I just do not like this person. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And that's totally fine.

你不必喜欢你伴侣生活中的每一个人。但你看，这有点棘手。对吧？因为我认为共存和成为朋友之间有很大区别。我觉得有时人们可能会对此感到困惑。

You don't have to like everyone in your partner's life. But, see, it's a bit tricky. Right? Because it's like, I do think there's a huge difference between coexisting and being friends. And I think sometimes that can be a bit confusing to people.

明白吗？区分这两者可能有点让人困惑，但我认为向伴侣澄清并区分这种差异，基本上把你能够做到和不能做到的事情摊开来说，我认为这是你能做的最好的事情。而且你可以再次提醒你的伴侣，这是恋爱关系中很正常的一部分，我们必须做出妥协。

You know? It can be a bit confusing to distinguish, but I think clarifying and distinguishing the difference to your partner and basically laying out on the table what you're what you're able to do and what you're not, I think, is the best that you can do. And, you know, again, you can remind your partner. This is a normal part of relationships. We have to make compromises.

有时候我们不得不处理一些不尽如人意的事情。但你可以对你的伴侣说：我爱你，我愿意做到这个程度，希望你能接受。顺便说一句，我暂停了一下这期节目，想告诉你本节目由hotels.com赞助播出。

We have to sometimes deal with shit that isn't ideal. But, you know, you can say to your partner, I love you. I'm willing to do it to this extent, and I hope you're cool with that. You know? I briefly paused this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by hotels.com.

我热爱旅行，也喜欢住酒店。没有什么比走进一间崭新洁净的酒店房间更让我兴奋的了。懂吗？把护肤品全摆进浴室，衣服都挂进衣柜，真的有种宾至如归的感觉。我还特别喜欢早上下楼享用自助早餐。

I love to travel, and I love staying at hotels. There's nothing I love more than walking into a fresh, clean hotel room and just absolutely exploding in it. Okay? Putting all my skincare in the bathroom, hanging all my clothes up in the closet, and really making myself feel at home. I also love going down in the morning for a buffet breakfast.

但如果你不知道门道，预订合适的酒店可是件苦差事。不论是商务出行还是休闲旅游，我总在寻找最划算的窍门和福利。如果你和我一样，告诉你——最便捷的预订方式就是通过hotels.com。会员每次住宿都能获得高达20%的积分奖励。省下的酒店钱，我就能用来外出晚餐，或者在酒店礼品店小小购物一番。

But booking the right hotel can be hard work if you don't know where to look. Whether I'm traveling for work or for fun, I'm always looking for the best hacks and perks. And if you're like me, let me tell you, the easiest way to book is with hotels.com. Members save up to 20% in earned rewards on every stay. And the money I save on the hotel, I can spend on going out to dinner, maybe doing a little bit of shopping at the hotel gift shop.

你明白我的意思吗？只要在hotels.com注册，你也能享受这些。免费成为会员，就能在数十万家酒店享受优惠。现在让我们回到正题。有人说，我男友和闺蜜合不来。

You know what I mean? Like, this could be you if you sign up at hotels.com. Become a member for free and save on hundreds of thousands of hotels at Hotels dot com. Now let's get back to the episode. Somebody said, my boyfriend and bestie do not get along.

我完全不知道该如何处理这种情况。他们两个我都很在乎。就像我刚才说的，友谊真的强求不来。这几乎是超越人类层面的东西，带着某种玄妙的意味。

I have no idea how to navigate this situation. I love them both so much. Again, I mean, as I just discussed, right, like, unfortunately, friendship cannot be forced. It's almost something that goes even beyond the human level. It's almost sort of spiritual.

我觉得无论是友情、爱情还是其他关系，人与人之间的契合度根本不受控制。无缘无故讨厌我的人不计其数，反之亦然。我自己也莫名其妙讨厌过很多人。这真的很难解释，就像是某种气场问题。

I feel like who we click with on any level, friendship, romantic, whatever, is almost out of our control. I can't tell you how many people have disliked me for no reason and vice versa. I can't tell you how many people I've disliked for no reason. It's just I don't even know how to explain it. It's like an energy thing.

你懂吗？有时候就是气场不合。我认为最糟糕的做法就是强行改变这种状态。听着，我理解——

You know? Sometimes people just don't click. And I think the worst thing you can do is try to force that in any capacity. Now listen. I understand.

当你的核心社交圈相处不融洽时，确实很棘手。对吧？糟透了。但就像我上次给出的建议那样，你不能要求他们成为朋友，因为这根本强求不来。但你可以要求他们和平共处。

It is really challenging to have your inner circle not click. Right? It sucks. But I think similar to the last piece of advice I gave for the last sort of dilemma, you can't ask them to be friends because, again, like, that's just impossible to force. But you can ask them to coexist.

你可以说，听着。我明白。你们俩互相不喜欢对方。现在听我说，我建议你分别和他们两个人单独谈这些事。

You can say, listen. I get it. You guys don't like each other. Now listen. I I suggest that you have these conversations separately with the two of them.

好吗？别把他们俩同时叫到一个房间里。那样不太好。但要分别进行两次谈话，然后说，听着。我不会强迫你们俩成为朋友。

Okay? Don't bring them both in the same room. That's a little that's not good. But have two separate conversations and say, listen. I'm not gonna force you both to be friends.

我不会强迫你们俩在不必要的时候共处一室，但总会有一些时刻，比如我生日的时候。懂吗？我有舞蹈表演。我不知道你们会做什么。明白吗？

I am not gonna force you both to be in the same room more than necessary, but there are gonna be moments when it's my birthday. You know? I have a dance performance. I don't know what you do. Okay?

但你懂我的意思吗？就是总会有需要你们俩共处的时刻。我只想礼貌且尊重地请求你们俩想办法解决。懂吗？我觉得涉及到个人感受时，除了这类谈话，你还得接受一个事实：不是所有人都会成为朋友。

But you get what I'm saying? Like, there are gonna be moments when you you both are gonna need to coexist. And I I just politely and respectfully ask you both to figure it out. You know? And I think when it comes to your own feelings, right, in addition to this sort of conversation, you kind of have to accept the fact that not everyone is gonna be friends.

知道吗？也许这对你的友情或恋爱关系是个致命问题。可能对你来说无法接受，而这正是你通过这次经历可能发现的事。他们做不成朋友可能让你痛苦到必须结束其中一段关系。这种情况确实会发生。

You know? And maybe that's a deal breaker for you in friendship or in romantic relationship. It might be a deal breaker for you, and that might be something that you discover through this experience. It might be so miserable for you that they're not friends that you might have to end one of the relationships. That happens sometimes.

但听着。也有可能，比如给五年时间，他们可能会逐渐接受对方甚至喜欢上彼此。谁知道呢？不过我认为在此期间，你应该进行那次谈话，试着确认这对你是否是原则问题。如果不是，那就慢慢接受友情不能强求这个事实。

But listen. There's also a chance that, like, give it five years, and they could grow on each other and end up liking each other. You never know. But I think in the meantime, you know, have that conversation and try to figure out if this is a deal breaker for you. And if it's not, then slowly but surely come to terms with the fact that friendship can't be forced.

好的。下一条，有人说：我和闺蜜现在处境很尴尬。我们曾先后爱上对方却始终没对上节奏。这段友谊还能挽救吗？说实话，我完全认为你们可以挽救这段友谊。

Okay. Next, somebody said, I'm in an uncomfortable situation with my best friend. We loved each other at different times and kind of never got on the same page. Can we even salvage the friendship? I absolutely think you can salvage the friendship, to be honest.

听着，事情确实会变得非常复杂。友谊一旦转变为恋情，就会变得棘手。但这也可能非常美好，因为我认为友谊显然是恋爱关系中最重要的基础元素。所以我觉得先做朋友很棒。

Listen. It does get really complicated. The second a friendship turns romantic, it gets tricky. And it can be incredible because I think friendship is obviously the most important foundational element of a romantic relationship. So I think it's great to be friends first.

你知道吗？我这样做的次数不多，但我总是给出这个建议，因为我觉得保持一段柏拉图式的关系真的很有帮助。不过这不是重点，我跑题了。

You know? I haven't done that very many times, but I always give that advice because I think it's incredible, you know, to be platonic for a bit, I think, can be really helpful. Anyway but that's not the point of this. That's that's a tangent. I'm off on a tangent.

问题是，如果你们在不同时期都曾爱上对方，还能挽救这段友谊吗？我认为可以。关键在于沟通，真的。比以往任何时候，你们都需要对彼此完全坦诚。

The question is, can you salvage the friendship if you both were sort of in love with each other at different times? I think, yes. I think the key to this is communication. Truly. I think more than ever, you two need to be open books with each other.

我认为应该从一次坐下来好好谈谈开始，可以是晚餐、咖啡日之类的场合，把所有事情都摊开来说。好吗？谈谈你过去的感觉，现在的感受，也问问对方过去和现在的想法。

And I think it starts with a sit down, a dinner, a coffee day, a something where you just lay it all out on the table. Okay? You talk about how you used to feel. You talk about how you feel now. You ask them how they used to feel, how they feel now.

然后一起想办法如何重新做回朋友。这是否意味着你们之间的浪漫可能性被排除了？也许这正是友谊需要建立的边界，因为你们都知道彼此容易产生爱慕之情。但由于过去从未成功，也许你们都会觉得：你知道吗？我不想和这个人发展恋情。

And together, you figure out how you can be friends again. Does it mean that romance between the two of you is off the table? Maybe that's a boundary in the friendship just because you know, you know that you both are prone to having romantic feelings towards each other. But because it's never worked in the past, maybe you both are like, you know what? I don't wanna be romantic with this person.

我只想做朋友。我珍视我们的友谊，这就是我想要的。也许这是你们双方都能接受的界限。

I just wanna be friends. I love our friendship. I cherish our friendship. That's all I want it to be. You know, maybe that's a boundary that you both can establish.

又或者你们觉得：其实我们不想要这个界限。也许你们可以共同决定：让我们顺其自然，先从朋友做起，看看未来会如何发展。

Or maybe it's like, you know what? We don't want that boundary, actually. Maybe you both decide together. Like, let's just take it one day at a time. Let's start out being friends, and we'll just see where it goes.

比如说，如果有人开始产生感情，我们就坦诚相待，然后顺其自然。我真的觉得这段关系可以挽回。通过沟通、了解彼此的现状，共同制定未来友谊的准则，这绝对是有可能的。不过如果你们中有一方还爱着对方，或者双方都还残留着感情，那情况就有点复杂了。这种情况下，不如直接去约会吧。

Like, if someone starts to develop feelings, like, we'll be honest with each other and go from there. I really do think it can be salvaged. I think through communication, understanding where you both are at, and together coming up with, like, kind of building the terms of your friendship moving forward, I think that can absolutely be possible. I do think it's a bit complicated if one of you is still in love with the other or maybe you both are still a little in love with each other. In that case, it's almost like just go on a date.

你懂我意思吗？或者重新开始一起出去玩。如果感情变得难以控制，就直接表白。这确实很难。我...我明白你的意思。

You know what I mean? Like or, you know, start hanging out again. And if the feelings become overwhelming, like, confess your love. It's tough. It's I I will say, I get what you mean.

这很棘手，因为过去有太多复杂的情绪。那些情绪可能会卷土重来，甚至可能从未完全消失。不过我在想，如果你们双方都曾对彼此有过感情，为什么不给个机会呢？比如去约会。

It's tough because there were so many complicated emotions in the past. Those emotions might come back. They might even still somewhat be present. Well, to me, though, I'm thinking about it, and I'm like, if you both have been sort of in love with each other, why don't you give it a chance? Like, go on a date.

明白吗？试试看吧。除非你们中有一方或双方都有了新恋情，那情况就更复杂了，因为现在要考虑到你们现任伴侣的感受。如果你们不是单身，就得考虑：现任能接受这段带有浪漫色彩的友谊吗？

You know? Like, give it a go. Unless, I guess, one of you or both of you are in new romantic relationships, then it's a bit more complicated because now you're, you know, introducing the emotions of both of your partners or one of your partners, if you, if not both of you, are in relationships. Now you have to consider, okay, is this significant other okay with this friendship that did have a bit of romantic undertones to it? You know?

现在又多了一层复杂因素。但如果你们都单身，这段友谊绝对可以挽回。听着，我建议不要完全排除浪漫的可能性。为什么不试试呢？

Now there's an added level of complication. But if you both are single, the friendship can absolutely be salvaged. And listen. I wouldn't close yourself off to the potential for romance. Like, why not?

我不知道...这有什么问题吗？没什么好害怕的。承诺是很美好的，各位。我最后的结论是：你们当然可以再做朋友，但需要好好沟通。

I don't know. Like, what's wrong with that? There's nothing to be afraid of. Commitment is beautiful, people. I guess my my final conclusion would be, yes, you can be friends again, but I think you just need to communicate.

每个人的感受都需要被考虑到。你们双方的感情需要顾及，如果现在有了新伴侣，他们的感受也要考虑。只要所有人都达成共识，对友谊的条款感到舒适，你们绝对可以继续做朋友。

And and everybody's feelings need to be considered. You know? Both of your feelings need to be considered. If there are now new significant others in the picture, their feelings need to be considered. I think as long as everyone's on the same page and everyone's comfortable with the terms of the friendship, yes, you can absolutely continue to be friends.

但我觉得当有些事避而不谈时，情况就会变得复杂。就像房间里的大象。这时候继续做朋友会很尴尬。因为你们一起玩的时候，你会想：他们还喜欢我吗？我还喜欢他们吗？

But I think it gets complicated when there are things that aren't being discussed. There's like an elephant in the room. That's when it's uncomfortable to continue being friends. Because then you're, like, hanging out, and you're like, do they like me still? Like, do I like them still?

这确实有点尴尬。就是那种...你懂我意思吗？真的很难受。你们必须对彼此完全敞开心扉。

This is kind of awkward. Like, then it just it's like it's it's not you can't do it. You know what I mean? It's really uncomfortable. You have to be open books with each other.

知道这最美妙的是什么吗？这种经历会让友谊更深厚。任何关系出现裂痕时，只要跨过去，关系就会更牢固。所以如果你们能度过这个坎，最后可能会收获一段超坚固的美好友谊，甚至发展成深刻有意义的浪漫关系。谁知道呢？

And you know what's actually beautiful about that? That experience will make the friendship deeper. Anytime there's sort of a rift in a relationship, getting through it makes the relationship so much stronger. So I think if you both can get through this, you might end up on the other end with a super strong, beautiful friendship or maybe even a really deep, meaningful romantic connection. Who knows?

懂吗？我觉得你不该对任何一种可能性关闭心门。好吧，有人说过：我分不清是喜欢这个朋友本人，还是只是喜欢自己想象中的他。

You know? I wouldn't close yourself off to either. I don't know. Okay. Somebody said, I can't tell if I actually like this guy, my friend, or if I just like the idea of him.

他看起来样样完美。我该怎么判断？值得尝试吗？不过你们已经是朋友这点很好，因为很可能你已经很了解他了。

He's perfect on paper. How do I figure it out? Is it worth trying? Okay. Well, it's a good sign that you're already friends with this guy because chances are you know him pretty well.

既然你把他当朋友，就比在酒吧刚认识二十分钟的人更了解他。懂我意思吗？那种在酒吧聊二十分钟就觉得'天啊'的情况才更让人担心。

Like, if you consider him a friend, you know him better than somebody who just met him at a bar. You know what I mean? Who's talked to him for twenty minutes. Right? I think it's more concerning when you meet someone at a bar and you talk to them for twenty minutes and you're like, oh my god.

'我爱上这家伙了，天啊他太完美了'——这种对陌生人的感觉，比你对自己朋友产生好感要危险得多。毕竟你是真正了解这个人的。

I'm in love with this guy. Like, oh my god. He's perfect. That's a lot more concerning to me than you feeling this way about your friend. You actually know this kid.

明白吗？你和他相处过，共度过时光。但恋爱时，对方总会展现出你从未见过的一面。

Okay? You hang out with him. You've spent time with him. There's still listen. Whenever you date someone, a new side of them comes out inevitably.

懂吗？最终真实的他们会显露出来，这是友谊中永远看不到的。比如我约会对象见过的我，连我最好的朋友都没见过。在健康的关系中，最真实、最脆弱的你终究会显现。不过说实话，现在想想，我也经历过那种始终未能展现真实自我的关系。

Okay? Just eventually, the real them is revealed, right, in a way that you never see in friendship. Like, the guys that I've dated have seen a version of me that my best friends have never seen. It's just the real you, the deepest, most vulnerable you comes out eventually, right, in a healthy relationship. And so, actually, you know, I I've even been in relationships where that doesn't come out now that I think about it.

但通常都会显露的。你懂我意思吗？但我觉得作为朋友，你可能永远看不到他那面。要看到那一面，恐怕得和他约会才行。老实说，既然你们已有友谊基础，而且他确实是个很棒的人。

But usually, it comes out. You know what I mean? But I think through being friends with this guy, you're probably not gonna ever see that side. To see that side, I think you need to be dating him probably. So my honestly, I feel like because you already have a foundation of friendship, and so far, he's proven to be a really awesome guy.

就像你说的，他各方面都很完美。我觉得你应该追求他。毕竟你比大多数人第一次约会时更了解对方。大多数人都是在交友软件上认识，完全盲目地去约会。

As you say, he's perfect on paper. I think you pursue him. I mean, you already know more about him than most people know about people that they go on a first date with. Right? Like, most people are finding people on dating apps and going on a date completely blind.

他们没有友谊基础。而我认为友谊基础非常重要。不是说交友软件上不能这样，你完全可以说'我想先从朋友做起'之类的。

They have no foundation of friendship. Right? And I think foundation of friendship is really important. Not that you can't do that on a dating app. I think you can absolutely be like, I'm looking to be friends first, you know, whatever.

我不清楚，我没用过交友软件。但你比普通人约会前更了解这个人。所以我说，听起来你是真的喜欢他。

I don't know. I don't use dating apps, so I can't really speak to it. But you know this guy more than the average person knows about somebody that they're going on a date with. Okay? So I say, it sounds like you actually like this guy.

听起来不像是只喜欢想象中的他。我觉得你已经达到了友谊认知的极限。要想真正确定是否喜欢他，就必须主动追求，必须去约会。

It sounds like I don't think you just like the idea of him if you're friends. Like, I think, again, you've you've reached your limit. Like, you know as much as you can know about him as a friend. Now to really figure out if you like him, you have to pursue him. You have to go on a date.

你得看看自己是否会心动。或许某天你们还会接吻。懂吗？感受一下那种感觉。你得在凌晨两点和他通电话，看看是否觉得有趣。

You have to see if you get butterflies. You have to maybe share a smooch at some point. You know? See how it makes you feel. You need to talk to him at two in the morning on the phone and see if it's fun for you.

我觉得这就是你现在判断是否真心喜欢他的方式，因为他已经通过了第一关考验——友谊测试。不过我得说，即使你们在约会，你也可能只是喜欢想象中的他。这始终是个风险，明白吗？

Like, I think that's how you figure out if you truly like him at this point because he's already passed the first test, the friendship test. Now I must say this, though. You can like the idea of someone even when you're dating them. Like, that is always a risk. Okay?

我曾经认真交往过一些男生，后来才突然意识到：等等，我其实根本不喜欢他们。我只是爱上了想象中的他们，他们其实并不适合我。懂我意思吗？

I've fully dated guys and then realized after, like, wait. I didn't even like them. Like, I loved the idea of them. They were not good for me. You know what I mean?

但在我的想象中，他们简直完美。你看，这始终是个风险对吧？不过我认为最真实的考验就是：我到底是喜欢这个人，还是喜欢想象中的他？这需要共度时光，真正了解对方，建立情感纽带，用优质相处时间来分析。如果没有这些相处时光，你根本无从判断。

But in my imagination, they were incredible for me. You know, that's still a risk. Right? But I do think that the truest test of, you know, do I like this person or do I just like the idea of them is to spend time together, to really get to know them, to really grow a bond and have that quality time to analyze. If you don't have quality time with this person, there's nothing to form an opinion on.

你需要和这个人建立情感联系。如果最后发现相处很无趣，甚至觉得他很糟糕，那你就能恍然大悟：原来我只是喜欢想象中的他，他并非我以为的那个人。但在积累足够相处时间之前——你懂我意思吧？

You need to bond with this person. And, you know, if they end up not being fun to be around, if they end up kinda sucking, right, then you can be like, oh, shit. I think I did just like the idea then. They are not who I thought they were. But until you have those hours logged you know what I mean?

除非你们真正相处过，否则你永远不会知道答案。你必须尝试看看。当然理论上作为朋友时，你可以仔细分析他，比较你想象中的形象和现实表现，这也会很有帮助。但在认真追求他之前，我认为你真的需要尝试相处，看看他日常、每周、每月的真实状态。

Until you've spent the time, you won't know. You just you won't know. You kinda have to give it a try. I mean, I guess you could technically, as friends, you know, really analyze him and compare what he is in your imagination to how he behaves in real life, that could totally be helpful too, you know, before you truly pursue him. But I I really think you just need to give it a try and see what he ends up being like on a daily basis, on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis.

明白吗？只有这样你才能真正看清他在恋爱关系中的样子。你才能确认他是否真是你以为的那个人。祝你好运。好了，今天的建议环节就到这里。

You know? Only then will you really see who he is in a relationship. And you'll see if if he really is who you think he is. And and I wish you luck. Anyway, that's it for today's episode of advice session.

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回头聊。再见。

Talk to you later. Bye.