sex

你好。

Hello.

今天，我想聊一个限制级的话题，一个只适合成年人的话题。

Today, I wanted to talk about something rated r, something for adults only.

如果你不是成年人，请关掉这一集。

If you're not an adult, turn this episode off.

去坐在沙发上，打开电视，看《宝宝巴士》吧。

Go and sit on your couch, turn on the TV, and put on cocomelon.

看《卡由》也行。

Put on caillou.

随便看点什么吧。

Put on whatever you want.

这一集不适合你，除非你是成年人。

This episode is not for you, unless you're an adult.

如果你是成年人，那就留下来听吧。

Then stick around.

今天我们要聊的是性。

Today, we're talking about sex.

就是那个大写的 S-E-X，性。

The big s e x.

性。

Sex.

对。

Yeah.

我知道。

I know.

我懂。

I know.

接下来会有点疯狂。

It's gonna get crazy.

我想聊聊我在性方面被欺骗的所有经历。

I wanna talk about all the ways that I was lied to about sex.

因为从小时候起，我对性最初的印象都来自电影、音乐视频，甚至书籍。

Because growing up, my first impression of what sex was came from things like movies and music videos and even books.

那才是我第一次真正接触到性的样子。

That was my first real exposure to what it really was.

毕竟，你懂的，父母可能会跟你讲讲生理知识。

Because, obviously, you know, your parents can give you the talk about the birds and the bees.

学校也可能给你上一堂关于生理知识的课，告诉你什么是性、它是怎么运作的等等。

You know, your school can even give you a talk about the birds and the bees, what sex is, how it works, etcetera, etcetera.

但那些只讲了技术层面的东西。

But that only tells you about the technical stuff.

我（或者说至少是我）对性最直观的印象，基本上都来自各种娱乐作品。

Your first, or at least my first impression of what it was really like was through different forms of entertainment pretty much.

问题在于，像电影、音乐视频、书籍之类的东西……

Now the problem is is that things like movies and music videos and books and whatever.

它们本质上都是娱乐内容。

All of those things are forms of entertainment.

而且当事情被夸大、变得完美时，会更有趣。

And things are more entertaining when they're exaggerated, when they're perfect.

对吧？

Right?

当它们有点像是奇幻版本的时候。

When they're sort of a fantastical version.

有这个词吗？

Is that a word?

靠。

Fuck.

现在我得去谷歌一下。

Now I have to Google it.

哦，fantastical不是个词。

Oh, fantastical is not a word.

哦，不。

Oh, no.

确实是。

It is.

好吧。

Okay.

娱乐内容总是带点幻想色彩。

Entertainment is always a little bit fantastical.

它会把无聊的部分都跳过。

It skips the boring stuff.

那是理想化的状态。

It's ideal.

你懂我的意思吧？

You know?

我觉得娱乐变成那样有什么不妥吗？

Do I think that there's anything wrong with entertainment being that way?

没有。

No.

就是这样，事实就是如此。

It's just it is what it is.

但问题是，当年轻人接触到这些东西，他们对性的第一印象，比如说，就是那种火热又完美的场景，那么有趣、刺激、疯狂又完美。

But the issue is is that when young people are exposed to this stuff and their first impression of sex, for example, is that it's this hot and steamy perfect situation that's so fun and spicy and crazy and perfect.

年轻人不一定有足够的生活经验和能力去正确批判这些事物，从而得出这其实是虚构和不现实的结论。

Young people don't necessarily have the life experience and ability to properly criticize things in order to come to the conclusion that this is in fact fantastical and unrealistic.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I'm saying?

而且当你年轻的时候，你的大脑就像一块海绵。

And when you're young, your brain is like a sponge.

你不停地吸收各种信息，尽可能多地获取。

You're just soaking up information left and right, trying to gather as much as you can.

问题在于，在这个过程中，你难免会吸收一些不太好的东西，不仅仅是关于性以及性的观念，还有很多其他方面。

And the problem is is that along the way, you're gonna soak up some shit that's not so good, not only with just sex and ideas about sex, but about many different things.

但今天，我们专门来谈谈性。

But today, we're specifically talking about sex.

因为我今年21岁了。

Because I'm 21 years old.

我现在已经是成年人了，虽然我觉得自己挺擅长分辨哪些是瞎扯、哪些是实话，也觉得自己年纪够大，能处理得不错。

I'm an adult now, and I still though I feel like I'm really good at sorting out bullshit from not bullshit, I feel like I'm old enough to be able to do that pretty well.

但我还是发现自己很难摆脱小时候从媒体那里形成的那些关于性的观念，说实话，就是当时我接触的那些媒体内容。

I still find myself struggling with unlearning all of the ideas that I had about sex that were formed when I was a child from the media, honestly, the media that I was consuming as a child.

比如，我到现在还在努力忘掉以前看到的那些乱七八糟的东西，这也是我今天想深入聊聊的原因。

Like, I still struggle with unlearning all of this shit that I saw, and I wanted to dig into it today.

关于性，我不得不摒弃的那些观念。

All of the things that I've had to unlearn about sex.

我知道我不是一个人，因为我很清楚，我们这一代人，尤其是像我这个年纪的人，在成长过程中通过音乐录影带、电影等各种渠道看到了太多对性的描绘，从而形成了一些不准确的认识。

And I know I'm not the only one because I know that a lot of us, especially in my generation, grew up seeing sex portrayed in so many different ways in music videos, in movies, etcetera, and developed this sort of idea about it that was inaccurate.

随着阅历的增长和心智的成熟，我开始慢慢解开过去对性的固有看法，并建立起新的认知。

And through life experience and through more wisdom, I've started to sort of unravel my old perception of sex and form my new perception of it.

当我开始步入那个觉得自己可能快要失去童贞的年纪时。

When I started to get around the age where I was like, oh, I might lose my virginity soon.

我当时非常害怕，也很没有安全感。

I was very scared and insecure.

而且我内心其实并不想做。

And part of me didn't even want to do it.

你知道吗？

You know?

就是，我做了。

Like, I I did.

我做了，但又好像没做。

I did, but I didn't.

我以前觉得性就像一场表演，一切都那么火热、激情、顺畅，永远不会尴尬。

I thought that sex was like a performance, and everything about it is so hot and steamy and seamless and never awkward.

而且非常严肃，没有笑声，完美无缺，感觉超棒，每个人都那么开心。

And it's very serious, and there's no laughing, and it's perfect, and and it's amazing, and it feels amazing, and everybody's so happy.

那是人生中最棒的体验，那么美妙，那么有趣。

And it's the best experience of your life, and it's so amazing and fun.

而且你还要做这些挺吓人、又有点奇怪的事，毕竟你以前从没做过。但理论上说，这应该特别棒，特别好，特别刺激，特别让人兴奋。

And you're doing all this stuff that's kind of intimidating and kind of weird when you've never done it before, but it's, like, fucking awesome, and it's so great, and it's so hot and amazing.

对我来说，这真的挺吓人的。

Now that to me was so intimidating.

因为第一点，我这个人一遇到社交上的尴尬或者不舒服的情况，就喜欢用幽默来化解。

Because number one, I'm somebody that in times of discomfort socially or whatever, I lean on humor.

而理论上说，在性爱这件事上你是没法这么做的。

And that's something you can't do with sex in theory.

就是说，你当然可以这么做，但我当时觉得不行。

Like, you totally can, but I didn't think you could.

因为我对性的看法是，它应该很严肃、很性感。

Because my perception of sex was that it's very serious and hot.

而讲笑话可能就不够严肃，也不够性感了。

And cracking a joke is maybe not serious and hot.

你明白我的意思吧？

You know what I mean?

这跟我印象中的严肃和性感不太一样。

It's like, that's not really what I think of when I think of serious and hot.

所以那让我很害怕。

So that freaked me out.

而且，我从来没有看着自己觉得，哇。

Also, I have never looked at myself and thought, wow.

你真的很性感。

You are really hot.

抱歉。

I'm sorry.

我就是不这么觉得。

I just don't.

我也有过那种时刻，就是觉得，好吧。

I've had moments where I'm like, okay.

可爱。

Cute.

但是，我不觉得自己性感。

But, like, I don't think of myself as being hot.

你知道吗？

You know?

而且从来都不觉得。

And I never have.

从小到大，我发育得比较晚。

Growing up, I was a late bloomer.

我和朋友们不是同时发育的。

I didn't develop at the same time as my friends.

我的身体发育得晚得多，可以这么说。

I developed much later into my body, if you will.

即使现在，那些典型的性感特征，几乎没有人真正拥有。

And even now, like, I the stereotypical hot features, almost no one really has that.

就像，那是一种不切实际的期望，但我因为不符合那个标准而感到不自信。

Like, it's like an unrealistic expectation, but I felt insecure because I didn't fit into that mold.

虽然几乎没有人符合那个标准，但因为我没达到，所以那还是让我很不安。

Even though almost no one does, it didn't matter because I didn't.

你懂我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

而且我有时候还挺笨手笨脚的，我也不知道怎么说。

I also am kind of clumsy sometimes and, like I don't know.

我觉得自己不是那种特别圆滑的人，我不觉得自己是个很会来事的人。

I feel like I can be not super smooth all like, I don't think of myself as, like, a smooth person.

对吧？

Right?

我不觉得自己很圆滑。

I don't think I'm, like, smooth.

明白吗？

Okay?

也许我，我不觉得自己是那样的人。

Maybe I I don't think I am.

而且那是我曾经认为发生性关系必须具备的另一个条件。

And that's another thing that I thought I needed to be to have sex.

对吧？

Right?

就是说，我需要那些特质。

Like, I needed those qualities.

但当我审视自己时，我发现自己一个都不具备。

And when I looked at myself, I had none of those qualities.

所以我对性感到恐惧，因为我对性的认知和我自己相差太远了。

So I was terrified of having sex because the perception I had of what sex was could not be farther from me.

简直天差地别。

Could not have been farther from me.

这些年，我慢慢变得自在了一些。

Over the years, I've gotten more comfortable with it.

我给自己减轻了很多压力，但还有很多东西需要我去慢慢改掉。

I've taken a lot of the pressure off myself, but there are still a lot of things that I'm unlearning.

第一，性爱并不是那种无缝衔接、火辣又完美的体验。

Number one, it's just not this seamless, hot, perfect experience.

我觉得就像看电影里的性爱场景，两个人在地铁里相遇，眼神交汇，然后一起下了地铁。

I feel like when you're watching a movie and you see a sex scene, and it's like two people meet in the subway and they lock eyes, and then they get off the subway.

然后他们就说，嘿，你去哪儿？

And they're like, hey, where are you going?

然后就说，回家。

And it's like, going home.

你去哪儿？

Where are you going?

哦，好啊。

Oh, cool.

我也正要回家，也许我可以跟你一起。

I'm just gonna go home too, but maybe I could come with you.

然后他们回到其中一个人的公寓，一切就那么完美。

And then it's like, they go back to one of their apartments, and then it's just like perfect.

就像那种无缝衔接的体验。

It's like this seamless experience.

我只能用这个词来形容，无缝衔接。

That's the only word I can use, seamless.

就是没有那种尴尬的停顿。

It's like there's no awkward pauses.

也不用沟通，比如像说，嘿。

There's no communicating, like, being like, hey.

等一下。

Wait a minute.

我们开始之前，我能先去上个厕所吗？

Can I go can I go pee real quick before we do this?

比如，等等。

Like, hold on.

我真的得去尿尿。

I actually have to pee.

我们还没法开始，因为我得去上厕所。

I can't we can't start yet because I have to go pee.

你懂我的意思吧？

You know what I mean?

就像，完全没有那种情况。

Like, there's nothing like that.

现在听好了。

Now listen.

在生活中，你会不会有一些完美无缺、毫无阻碍的性体验？

In life, are you gonna have some sexual experiences that are perfect and seamless?

说实话，可能会有。

Honestly, probably.

你可能会遇到一些那样的经历，但不是每次都这样。

You might have some experiences like that, but it's not like that every time.

明白吗？

Okay?

你知道吗，你可能正在脱衬衫，然后衬衫被项链卡住了。

You know, you might be, like, taking your shirt off, and then, like, your shirt, like, gets caught on your necklace.

然后你使劲想脱掉衬衫，但项链一直拽着。

And, like, you're trying to, like, fucking take your shirt off, and it's, like, pulling on your necklace.

接着项链断了，你发现那是我奶奶留下的项链。

And then, like, your necklace breaks, and you're like, that was my fucking grandma's necklace.

然后你开始哭，现在没法做爱了。

And then, you know, you start crying, and now you can't have sex.

你得停下来，然后说，好吧。

And you have to take a pause, and then it's like, okay.

等等。

Wait.

五分钟后你重新开始，但中间那段混乱插曲就是没法忽略，你懂吗？

And then you get back into it, like, five minutes later, but it's like there was this whole interlude of just chaos before you could you know?

或者你刚开始做爱，结果来月经了，然后床上到处都是血。

Or maybe you're starting to have sex, but then, you know, you get your period, and then you're bleeding all over the bed.

然后你就想，天哪。

And then you're like, oh my god.

等等。

Wait.

这样没问题吧？

Is that okay?

然后跟你做的那个人就会说，等等。

And then the person you're having sex with is like, wait.

其实不是。

Actually, no.

这是我室友的床。

This is my roommate's bed.

我之前没跟你说，但这确实是我室友的床。

I didn't tell you that, but this is my roommate's bed.

他们肯定会气炸的，所以我们得换个房间。

They're And gonna be so super mad, so we need to go move to another room.

或者，哦，嘿。

Or, oh, hey.

等一下。

Wait a minute.

现在马上戴上安全套。

Put on a condom right now.

好的。

Okay.

等等。

Wait.

我得去另一个房间拿安全套。

I have to go get a condom from the other room.

哦，等等。

Oh, wait.

让我看看，我现在拿到安全套了。

Let me I got my condom now.

哦，等等。

Oh, wait.

等一下。

Hold on.

现在让我花个十五到二十秒来戴上这个安全套。

Now let me take a solid fifteen to twenty seconds to put this condom on.

然后戴安全套的时候，就像，该聊点什么呢？

And then while the condom's being put on, it's like, what do you talk about?

哦，没什么？

Oh, nothing?

房间里就这么安静吗？

Is it just silent in the room?

也许没有放音乐。

Maybe there's no music playing.

好尴尬。

It's awkward.

你懂我的意思吧？

You see what I'm saying?

这就是性爱的现实。

That is the reality of sex.

就像，性爱的现实就是，大多数时候，都是这些该死的尴尬，你知道，时不时会有一些小尴尬的时刻，有点像，唉，这有点疼。

Like, that's the reality of sex is that most of the time, it's these fucking awkward you know, there's, like, little awkward moments here and there that are kinda like, ugh, this is this hurts.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

因为这不是你在电影里看到的那样。

Because it's it's not what you see in the movies.

但这就是它真正的现实。

But that's the reality of what it really is.

我都记不清上次做爱是什么时候了，那些事情一件都没发生。

I can't name the last time I had sex where, like, one of those things didn't happen.

你懂我的意思吧？

You know what I mean?

就像那样的事情。

Like, something like that.

好像总是会发生。

It's like it always happens.

就是其中的一部分。

It's just part of it.

而且我总是为此自责。

And I always beat myself up over it.

我总是想，真该死。

Like, I'm always like, goddamn it.

这都怪你，因为你不够圆滑。

Like, this is your fault because you're not a smooth motherfucker.

你是个书呆子。

You are a nerd dork.

你是个呆子，就是做不好，对吧？

You are a dork, and you just can't get it right, can you?

你懂的吧？

You know?

这就是我心里老跟自己说的那些话。

This is the shit I say to myself in my head.

但后来我得提醒自己，不是这样的。

But then I have to remind myself, no.

那都是骗人的。

That's not true.

后来我意识到，性爱其实不必那么严肃。

The next thing that I realized was that sex doesn't have to be 100% serious.

就像我之前跟你说的，我以前总觉得性是一件非常严肃的事情。

As I told you earlier, I had this sort of perception and this sort of view that sex was a very serious thing.

它确实很严肃。

It was very serious.

根本不允许开玩笑。

There's no room for joking around.

没有笑的空间。

There's no room for a laugh.

你知道吗？

You know?

全都是正经事。

It's all down to business.

火辣又刺激的正经事。

Hot, steamy business.

就是这样。

That's it.

这真的不是真的。

It's just not true.

比如，如果发生了一些有点傻的事情，也许有人放屁，也许有人发出阴吹的声音，也许有人从床上滑下来但没有受伤。

Like, for example, if something kinda silly happens, maybe somebody farts, maybe somebody queefs, maybe somebody slips off the bed and doesn't get injured.

你知道吗？

You know?

也许有人接到电话。

Maybe somebody gets a phone call.

也许有人戴安全套时出现尴尬的沉默。

Maybe there's an awkward silence when someone's putting on a condom.

你懂我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

如果你想，你可以开玩笑，也可以有点傻乎乎的。

You can make jokes and be a little silly if you want.

享受乐趣。

Have fun.

我以前做爱时总是害怕做自己。

I always was so scared to be myself when I was having sex.

真的，我不是在开玩笑。

Like, I'm not I'm not kidding.

我当时就想，我现在必须变成另一个人。

Like, I was like, I have to become a different person right now.

因为对我来说，我喜欢开玩笑，犯犯傻。

Because for me, I like to, like, joke around, be silly.

大多数时候这就是我的性格。

That's just my personality most of the time.

我觉得一旦事情从正常的互动变成那种，哦，可能有点暧昧了的时候，

And I felt like the second that things would transition from, like, being a normal interaction to, like, oh, maybe this is getting a little romantic.

我就会想，我现在得变成另一个女孩。

I'd be like, I need to be a different girl right now.

我得变成一个全新的自己。

Like, I need to be a whole new me right now.

但是，是的，我觉得在那种性爱的环境里，我得变成那种性感、神秘的样子。

But, yeah, I felt like I needed to be this, like, hot, mysterious version of me in a sexual environment.

我也不知道为什么。

And I don't know why.

我不知道这到底是从哪来的。

Like, I don't know exactly what that stemmed from.

比如，我想不起来哪部电影里确实展现过这一点。

Like, I can't remember a movie where that was necessarily portrayed.

你明白我的意思吧？

You know what I mean?

但不知怎么的，这个想法就在我脑子里形成了。

But it just somehow that idea formed in my head.

但现在我意识到，开玩笑、玩得开心是完全没问题的；而且如果你不能在亲密环境里做你自己、想傻乐就傻乐的话，那你也享受不到其中的乐趣。

But now I'm realizing not only is it okay to joke around and have fun, but also if you're not able to, like, be yourself and be silly if you wanna be silly, etcetera, in a sexual environment, then it's not gonna be enjoyable for you.

你懂的吧？

You know?

其实就跟生活里的其他事情一样。

It's kinda like anything else in life.

接下来要说的是，性爱并没有固定的样子。

The next thing is that sex doesn't look a specific way.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know?

再说，这又回到我担心自己不够格的那个恐惧。

Again, this goes back to my fear that I didn't look the part.

我觉得自己不符合那种理想中的形象，那种在性方面吸引人的样子。

I didn't feel like I fit into this ideal mold of what I'm supposed to look like to be attractive to people sexually.

我就觉得，嗯，不知道怎么说。

Like, I just was like, I don't know.

我就是不太符合那个标准。

I don't, like, fit this mold exactly.

所以我觉得很尴尬，很奇怪。

So this I feel embarrassed and weird.

你知道吗？

You know?

现在我当然明白这有多荒谬，因为性没有固定的样子。

Now I obviously realize how ridiculous that is because there is no specific way that sex looks.

就是两个人在一起，希望玩得开心而已。

Like, it's just human beings hopefully having a good time.

好像只有那样才算是正常的样子。

That's the only way it's supposed to look.

你不需要长成某种特定的样子才能吸引别人。

You don't have to look any certain type of way to be attractive to somebody else.

不好意思啊。

Like sorry.

我喝口咖啡。

I'm having a sip of my coffee.

说实话，我觉得挺可悲的。我以前总觉得自己不配拥有性体验，因为我没有那种大家似乎都在崇拜的、能吸引异性的外表。

It's really sad to me, honestly, that I used to feel like I wasn't deserving in a way of, like, a sexual experience because I didn't have this sort of look, if you will, that everyone seemed to idolize in a sexual way.

这让我感到难过，因为我知道我不是唯一一个有这种感觉的人。

It's sad to me because I know that I'm not the only one.

老实说，我认为地球上99.9%的人可能都在某个时刻有过这种想法：觉得自己不够有吸引力，没法进行性行为。

To be honest, I think 99.9% of people on this planet have probably felt this way at some point, feeling like, well, I'm not attractive enough to have sex.

就是觉得自己魅力不够。

Like, I don't I don't feel attractive enough.

其实，每个人可能都有过这样的感觉。

There's, like, everybody's probably felt like that at one point.

因为很多时候，我们成长过程中看到的是很多外表符合某种标准的人。

Because a lot of times, what we see when we're growing up is a lot of people who look a certain type of way.

但其他很多事情也是这样。

But it's also like that with so many different types of things.

你知道吗，你可能会觉得自己不能穿某件衣服，因为胸太小，或者大腿穿起来不好看。

You know, you could find yourself feeling like, ugh, I can't wear this outfit because, you know, my boobs are too small or, you know, my thighs don't won't look good in that.

我们常常把自己困在一个自己设的框框里，觉得自己身材或长相不够格去做某件事。

Like, you know, we find ourselves in a self inflicted box all the time because we feel like we don't have the right body or look to do a certain thing.

这不只是和性有关。

This isn't just relevant with sex.

这跟所有事情都有关。

This is relevant with everything.

我觉得很多人都会觉得自己做不了某些事，因为看起来不像那个样子，但其实根本不是这样，因为那都是假象。

You know, I think a lot of us struggle with feeling like we can't do things because we don't look the part, but that's not true at all because that's all an illusion.

这一切都是幻觉，而且很愚蠢。

It's all an illusion, and it's dumb.

当你意识到这是一种幻觉，认为这就是吸引人的，这就是好看的，等等等等。

And when you realize that it's sort of an illusion that this is what's attractive, this is what looks good, blah blah blah.

一旦你意识到所有这些都是幻觉，在现实中其实毫无意义。

Once you realize that all of that is an illusion and it kind of means nothing in reality.

比如，如果你把社交媒体上的喧嚣、所有媒体的喧嚣，以及我们每天听到的那些无关紧要的声音都剥离掉。

Like, in if you were to, like, strip away all of the social media chatter and all of the media chatter in general and all of the voices that we hear on a daily basis that are pretty much irrelevant.

你知道吗？

You know?

接下来，我了解到性爱中有很多沟通是从来不会展现出来的。

Next, I learned there's a lot of communication that takes place with sex that, like, never gets shown.

你知道吗？

You know?

当然，沟通包括同意，你知道，确保每个参与者都同意参与其中。

Obviously, communication with consent, of course, you know, making sure that everyone involved consents to being involved.

这是第一点。

That's number one.

第二点，在性爱过程中，你得告诉对方什么对你有用，什么没有用。

Number two, during sex, you kinda have to tell people what works for you and what doesn't.

因为每个人都不一样，和你发生关系的人不可能知道你在想什么。

Because everyone's different, and the person you're having sex with can't read your mind.

所以他们不能光看你一眼就说，哦，这个人喜欢这个。

So they can't just look at you and say, oh, this person likes this.

不是的。

No.

因为每个人喜欢的东西都不一样。

Because everybody likes different things.

有些东西对某些人有效，对其他人就没用。

And some things work for some people and not for others.

要让每个人都明白怎么让对方享受这个过程，唯一的办法就是进行沟通。

And the only way for everyone involved to know how to make the experience enjoyable for the other person is for communication to take place.

不过说实话，

But can I be honest?

有时候确实挺尴尬的，比如直接说：嘿。

It's kinda awkward sometimes being like, hey.

等一下。

Wait.

你能不能换个方式试试？

Can you do this like this?

挺尴尬的。

Kinda awkward.

这会稍微打破一下那种幻想，你知道吧，当你意识到对方其实没做得很好时。

Kind of breaks the breaks the, you know, fantasy of it for a second when you're like, you're not really doing a good job.

你能不能这样试试？

Can you do it like this?

这感觉有点不舒服。

It kind of is uncomfortable.

这让人不舒服。

It's uncomfortable.

生活中的冲突本来就不舒服。

Confrontation in life is already uncomfortable.

但性爱中的冲突，简直难受十倍。

But confrontation during sex is, like, 10 times more uncomfortable.

因为第一，你怕破坏气氛。

Because number one, you're scared of ruining the vibe.

第二，你怕伤害对方的感情。

But number two, you're scared of hurting someone's feelings.

第三，如果你不说出来，你自己就享受不到。

But number three, if you don't speak up, you're not having a good time.

你不开心，也得不到你想要的东西。

You're not enjoying yourself, and you're not getting what you wanna get out of it.

你懂我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

你没有享受到愉快的体验。

You're not having a enjoyable experience.

所以整个过程都挺有挑战性的。

So everything about it is, like, challenging.

确实有挑战性。

It's challenging.

性爱中的沟通环节很有挑战性，因为它违背了那种性爱是梦幻般体验的观念。

The communication element of sex is challenging because it goes against this whole idea that sex is like this fantasy dream experience.

它应该是你生命中完美、火辣、性感、迷人的二十分钟。

It's this perfect hot, sexy, gorgeous twenty minutes of your life.

这就是你在电影和音乐视频里看到的。

And that's what you see in the movies and the music videos.

就像是一种完美的体验。

It's like this perfect experience.

但是要开口说点什么，比如，嘿，你能戴上安全套吗？

But speaking up about something, being like, hey, can you put on a condom?

嘿，你能不能换个方式做？

Hey, can you do this a little bit differently?

嘿，你吃避孕药了吗？

Hey, Are you on birth control?

嘿。

Hey.

反正就是那些废话啦。

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

所有这些关键的对话都让人害怕，也很不舒服。

All of this crucial conversation is scary and uncomfortable.

我觉得部分原因是我们在成长过程中很少见到这些场景。

And I think part of that is because we rarely see it when we're growing up.

你看不到电影、音乐视频里会有这些内容，等等。

Like, we don't see that in the movies, the music videos, etcetera.

我们根本看不到。

We don't see it.

而且当你以前从未见过某件事，第一次做的时候又没有例子可以参考，那确实很吓人。

And when you've never seen something before and you have to do it without any example to go off of for the first time, it's scary.

头十次、二十次，你得提起那些严肃的话题，还得在性爱的环境里沟通。

The first ten, twenty times, you have to bring up those serious things, and you have to communicate in a sexual environment.

这让人紧张，因为电影没有告诉我们这不会破坏气氛，不会尴尬，也不会奇怪。

It's intimidating because we're not reassured by the movies that it's not gonna kill the vibe, that it's not gonna be awkward, that it's not gonna be weird.

这很不幸，因为我觉得沟通是享受性爱最重要的部分之一，但关于沟通具体是什么样子的讨论却很少，你只能在实际中摸索。

And it's unfortunate because I think that communication is one of the most important parts of enjoyable sexual experiences, and yet there's not really a lot of talk about what that even looks like, and you kinda just have to figure it out once you're in it.

而且没有例子可以参考。

And there's no example to go off of.

你不能——我是说，我从来没在电影里见过。

You can't I mean, I've never seen that in a movie.

我学到的下一件事是，性爱并不总是那种身体上极其愉悦的体验。

Next thing I learned, sex isn't always this extremely pleasurable experience physically.

比如，我总觉得世界上没有什么比性爱更舒服的了。

Like, I feel like I always believed that nothing in the world feels better than sex.

就像，那是世界上最好的感觉。

Like, it is the best feeling in the world.

现在听我说。

Now listen.

那真的很棒。

It is great.

确实如此。

It is.

但并不是每次都是这样。

But, like, not always.

它并不总是让人产生那种狂喜的感觉。

It doesn't always feel like a euphoric experience.

偶尔会有，有时候吧。

Every once in a while, sometimes.

对。

Yeah.

但不是所有时候都这样。

But not all the time.

特别是如果你第一次见到某人，然后第一次发生关系，很有可能其实没那么好。

Especially if maybe you just meet someone for the first time and you're, like, having sex for the first time, there's a decent chance it's not it might not be actually that great.

可能身体上感觉没那么好，因为你们还不了解彼此的身体。

It might not actually feel physically that great because you don't understand each other's bodies yet.

你懂吗？

You know?

你们还不知道对方喜欢什么。

You don't know what each other likes yet.

所以可能不是你期待的那种最兴奋的体验。

So it might not be the most euphoric experience of your life, like like you expect it to be.

我记得我最初几次发生关系时，我心里想，这到底是怎么回事？

I remember the first few times I had sex, I was like, what the fuck is going on?

我不知道，就是还行，但没那么好。

I don't it's like, I it's fine, but it's not great.

怎么说呢，我现在倒没觉得自己在超脱现实。

Like, I don't feel like I'm transcending reality right now necessarily.

其实挺不错的，而且从那以后，你也知道，我经历了一些特别棒的时刻。

Like, it's pretty good, but and then since then, you know, I've had experiences that are incredible.

你懂我的意思吧？

You know what I mean?

真的特别棒。

Incredible.

美好的体验。

Great experiences.

但并不是每次都能这样。

But that's not a 100% of the time.

我觉得不知为什么，大家好像不太关注糟糕的性经历，也不太正视这种现实。

And I think for whatever reason, there's just less of an emphasis on bad sex and, like, how real that reality is.

而且这种情况其实很常见，也不一定是任何人的错。

And also how normal it is and how it's not necessarily anyone's fault.