我对自己的谎言

作为人类，我们做的诸多傻乎乎的小事之一就是自我欺骗。我深知这一点，因为在我存在的岁月里，我多次欺骗过自己，想必你也如此。有时现实过于残酷，我们需要用谎言来应对和生存。虽然我没查过谷歌，但我认为这是人之常情，再正常不过的事。

One of the many silly little goofy things that we do as human beings is lie to ourselves. And I know that because I've lied to myself many times throughout my existence, and I imagine that you have too. Sometimes reality is just a little bit too real, and we need to lie to ourselves to cope and survive. I didn't Google it, but I imagine that this is a natural thing. This is a normal thing.

这是人类的天性，是不可避免的事。生活有时确实难以把握，而谎言能帮上忙。是的，我一生中多次欺骗过自己。但即便这是自然、正常且不可避免的，并不意味着它就是积极的。

This is a human thing. It's an inevitable thing. Life is really hard to grasp sometimes, and lying can help. So, yes, I've lied to myself many times throughout my life. And just because it's a natural, normal, inevitable thing doesn't mean that it's a positive thing.

根据经验，我知道自我欺骗几乎从未带来好处——如果真有的话。我想不起有任何一次自我欺骗让我受益，它几乎总是有害的，这很不幸。当不可避免的事情具有危害性时，确实糟糕。

I know from experience that lying to myself is almost never, if never beneficial. I cannot think of one time that I've lied to myself and benefited from it. It's almost always harmful, which is unfortunate. It's unfortunate when inevitable things are harmful. That sucks.

但成年后我得出结论：要尽可能减少自我欺骗。我知道永远不欺骗自己是不可能的，正如我所说，这是不可避免的。我深信这是我们与生俱来的生存机制，用来应对现实。所以我的目标不是彻底杜绝，而是最大限度减少。而且我认为自我欺骗某种程度上是自动发生的，至少对我是这样。

But I've come to the conclusion as an adult that I want to strive to lie to myself the least amount possible. And I know that I'm not gonna be able to get to a point where I never lie to myself because as I already said, it's an inevitable thing. And I am kind of convinced that it's like an innate human thing that we do to help ourselves survive and cope with reality. So it's not my goal to never lie to myself again, but rather lie to myself the least amount possible. And I'm kind of convinced that lying to ourselves is something that's sort of automatic, at least with me.

就像我不是主动选择欺骗自己，而是自动为之。然后需要由我来发现这种欺骗，最终选择揭露并接受真相。这某种程度上是个选择问题。我意识到最好的方法就是不断自省，找出自我欺骗的领域，留意自己的言辞，倾听自己的话语，即时捕捉那些谎言——虽然这是自动行为，但可以通过练习改善。

Like I don't make the choice to lie to myself. I lie to myself automatically. And then it's up to me to discover that I'm lying to myself and ultimately choose to discover the truth and accept it. It's sort of a choice thing. And what I've realized is the best way to do that is to constantly self reflect and try to pinpoint the areas in which I'm lying to myself, pay attention to what I'm saying and, and listen to myself talk and try to catch things that are lies in the moment because it is sort of this automatic thing, but it can be through practice.

我认为你可以更擅长发现并当场抓住自己的欺骗行为，从而缩短自我欺骗的时间。明白我的意思吗？重点不是彻底消除谎言，而是识别并停止它。不过最难的部分可能就是识别自我欺骗的时刻——但其实我们心底都知道。

I think you can get better at catching it and catching yourself in the act so that you can lie to yourself for for less time. Do you know what I'm saying? It's not about eliminating lying altogether, but rather recognizing yourself lying and then stopping. I think one of the hardest things to do though, is to recognize when you're lying to yourself. But we all know when we're lying to ourselves.

对吧？我们内心深处并非不知道。不是我们自我欺骗的技巧高超到无法察觉，而是我们太擅长一边心知肚明，一边拒绝完全承认。我们太善于对此视而不见了。

Right? It's not it's not like we don't deep down know. It's not like we're so good at lying to ourselves that we can't tell. It's that we're really good at kind of knowing that we're lying to ourselves, but not fully admitting to ourselves that we are. We're really good at kinda turning a blind eye.

但我确实认为这是一种练习，去觉察那种感受，然后在你感觉到它、注意到它时直面它。即使这让人非常不适，你根本不想面对，也要习惯去正视它。我刚才说的这些有道理吗？我不太确定。所以今天我想坐下来和大家讨论一些我仍在努力诚实地看待的、对自己说的谎言。

But I do think it's a practice in noticing that feeling and then addressing it head on when you when you feel it and when you notice it. Even when it's really uncomfortable and you really don't wanna look at it, getting used to looking at it. Does anything that I just said make sense? I'm not sure. So today I thought I'd sit down and discuss with you all some lies that I tell myself that I'm still struggling to have an honest perspective on.

这某种程度上是出于我自身利益的私心活动。这些都是我仍在努力戒除的自我欺骗。通过承认它们，我希望能在这方面有所改进。这样讲清楚了吗？所以这期播客内容非常自私。

And this is sort of a selfish activity for my for my own benefit. These are lies that I still tell myself that I'm working on not telling myself anymore. And through acknowledging them, I'm going to improve on that issue. Does that make sense? So this is super selfish, this this podcast episode.

这完全关于我，向你们坦白我对自己说的谎言。但希望能以身作则。也许这期节目能激励你去面对一些你一直在欺骗自己的事情。闲话少说，以下是我对自己说的一些谎言。节目稍作中断，告诉大家本期节目由The Ordinary赞助播出。

This is all about me, admitting to you all the lies that I tell myself. But hopefully I can lead by example. And maybe this episode will inspire you to address some of the lies that you've been telling yourself. So without further ado, these are some of the lies that I tell myself. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by the ordinary.

自我护理很重要，但可能非常昂贵，对吧？尤其是谈到护肤品时。值得庆幸的是，The Ordinary专注于优质护肤，定价合理让每个人都能获得真正有效的护肤品。他们的实验室研发配方，精准满足肌肤需求。如果不知从何开始，官网还提供免费的护肤方案构建工具。使用优惠码MSC10可在theordinary.com享受九折优惠。

Self care is important, but it can be super expensive, right, especially when you're talking skincare products. Thankfully, the ordinary is focused on quality skincare that's priced to make great skincare accessible to everyone, and that genuinely works. Formulations created in their lab designed to give your skin precisely what it needs. They've even made a free regimen builder on their website if you don't know where to start. Use code MSC 10 for 10% off at theordinary.com.

现在回到节目。首先，我总爱告诉自己：'我不是在拖延，我是在收集灵感'。我的工作大部分是构思各种创意，无论是播客、YouTube、Chamberlain咖啡还是其他创意项目。我的工作内容，几乎全部就是不断产生各种想法。

Now back to the episode. To start, I love to tell myself, I'm not procrastinating. I'm gathering inspiration. A lot of my job is coming up with various ideas, whether it's for the podcast or for YouTube or for Chamberlain Coffee or for other creative endeavors. A a lot of what I do, pretty much all that I do is come up with ideas for things all the time.

这个创作过程很多时候就是坐着思考、走路思考或开车思考。就是大量的思考。有时光是盯着墙壁或窗户会很无聊，于是我会决定：'不如暂时把视线从记录创意的文档上移开'。

And a lot of that process is just sitting and thinking or walking and thinking or driving and thinking. It's just a lot of thinking. And sometimes just staring at the wall or staring at the window can get boring. And so I'll decide, you know what? Let me take my eyes off of this document for a second where I compile my ideas.

'让我上会儿网，浏览下Pinterest，刷会儿YouTube，或者去Spotify看看现在流行什么播客'。

And let me surf the web a little bit. Let me surf the web. Let me go on Pinterest for a bit. You know, let me let me scroll on YouTube a little bit. Let me go on Spotify and look at, you know, what kinds of podcasts are trending right now.

我就随便上上网吧。我脑子里想的是，通过接触网络上的时代思潮，了解当下发生的事情。但我从来不上Instagram之类的。好吧，那对我来说有点过了。

Let me just kind of surf the web. And in my head, my idea is, like, by exposing myself to the zeitgeist, what's happening on on the Internet. Now I never go on, like, Instagram. Okay. That's a step too far for me.

那是不被允许的。但我会允许自己上那些我认为对大脑安全的平台。对吧？Pinterest是安全的。YouTube大体上也是安全的。

That's not allowed. But I'll allow myself to go on platforms that I consider to be safe for my brain. Right? Pinterest is safe. YouTube is safe for the most part.

我仍然需要对所有事物设定界限，但我觉得那些是最积极、最鼓舞人心的平台，Spotify也是。就像音乐播客一样。所以我允许自己稍微浏览一下，看看时代思潮里有什么。现在我上Pinterest、YouTube、Spotify并不是为了获取创意。

I still have to have boundaries with all things, but I feel like those are the most positive, inspiring platforms, Spotify as well. It's like music podcasts. Hello. So I'll allow myself to surf a little bit, see what's going on in the zeitgeist. Now I'm not going on Pinterest, YouTube, Spotify to necessarily take ideas.

我非常反对这种做法，尤其是现在比以往任何时候都更反对。我年轻时觉得互联网上不太强调人们拥有自己的想法。我刚上网时，全是关于网络潮流。比如有那么多的网络潮流，像大家都在做肉桂挑战，或者蒙眼化妆挑战之类的。

I'm very against that, especially now more than ever. When I when I was younger, I feel like on the Internet, there was less of an emphasis on people owning their own ideas. Like when I first started on the internet, it was all about internet trends. Like there were so many internet trends like, oh, everybody's doing the cinnamon challenge. You know, everyone's doing like a challenge where they're doing their makeup blindfolded, or they're doing somebody else's makeup blindfolded.

我开始上网时，大家都在互相模仿，这完全没问题。但现在比以往更强调保护人们的创意，给予认可。而且作为创作者我也成熟了，我想提出自己独特、新鲜、令人兴奋的创意。我不想再跟风了。总之，说这么多是想表达，我会允许自己上网浏览，看看能否触发全新的灵感，因为这确实会发生。

Like I started on the internet in a time where everyone was copying each other and it was totally fine. But now more than ever, there's an emphasis on, on protecting people's ideas, giving credit for, you know, it's like, and then also I've matured as a creative person. And I, I wanna come up with my own ideas that are unique and, and fresh and exciting. Like I don't want to do what's popular anymore. So anyway, all of this to say, I'll let myself surf just to see what's going on and see if it triggers a brand new idea because that does happen.

比如我可能看到一张穿搭照片，是红裙子配黑鞋子和白袜子。假设这就是我看到的穿搭，这个画面可能会启发我穿一套黑、白、红配色的衣服。

Like I might see a picture of an outfit. It might be a red dress with black shoes and and and white tights. Okay? Let's say that's the outfit I see. That image might inspire me to wear a black, white, and red outfit.

它可能莫名其妙地让我想到自己拥有的三件同色系单品，从而启发我这样搭配。或者说这不算真正的创意灵感，而是个人化的创意。我可能在YouTube上看到有人做了关于赛百味三明治的视频，比如一个关于赛百味兴衰的视频论文。

It might just, for whatever reason, make me think of three different pieces that I own that are those colors, and it might inspire me to wear that. Or well, that's not necessarily like a creative idea, but that's a personal creative idea. I might be on YouTube and see that somebody made a video about Subway sandwiches. Okay? Like they made a video essay on on the rise and the fall of Subway sandwich.

好吧，不管出于什么原因，这可能会让我想到拍个做三明治的烹饪视频。就像，我也不知道。你明白我的意思吗？我不是为了抄袭才上网浏览的。

Okay. And for whatever reason, that might give me an idea to make a cooking video where I make a a sandwich. Like, I don't know. Do you get what I'm saying? Like, I'm not surfing to steal.

我上网是希望能激发新点子，对吧？但你知道事实是什么吗？很多时候，我最终只是沉迷于刷屏。我会说服自己这种刷屏是在寻找灵感，而实际上这只是因为厌倦了盯着窗外思考而产生的拖延。

I'm surfing to hopefully trigger new ideas. Right? But you know what the truth of the matter is? A lot of times, I end up just getting sucked into scrolling. I'll convince myself that this type of scrolling is coming up with ideas when in reality, it's just procrastination because I'm bored of staring out a window and thinking.

我厌倦了思考。当我说出这些很少大声说出来的话时，我意识到与其打开YouTube或Pinterest——尽管它们有时确实有帮助——我能分辨出自己是在拖延还是有意为之。我知道何时是在利用这些平台有目的地寻找话题或收集讨论素材，何时又是在用它们拖延。内心深处我明白，以后发现这种情况时，我该去做些别的。

I'm bored of thinking. And as I'm talking about this, which I've not really talked about this out loud very much. As I'm talking about it out loud, I'm realizing instead of opening YouTube or or opening Pinterest, even though those things can be helpful sometimes, I know when I'm doing that to procrastinate versus when I'm doing that to intentionally to help me come up with a topic or to help me gather things to discuss, or if I actually need to be on Pinterest because I need to make a mood board for something. Like I know when I'm using those platforms intentionally in a way that's helpful. And when I'm using them to procrastinate, I know that deep down Moving forward, when I catch myself doing that, I need to just do something else.

老实说，我该去做家务。如果厌倦了盯着窗户发呆，就该做些能边做边思考的 productive 事情。懂我意思吗？比如洗碗，或者整理车库。

Like, honestly, I should just go do chores. If I'm so bored of staring at a window and thinking I should just do something productive that I can also think while I'm doing it. You know what I'm saying? Like, I should go do the dishes. I should go organize my my garage.

你瞧，我该去做些不用动脑的事，这样既能继续思考又不会太无聊。好了，接着说。另一个我对自己撒的谎是：'我没受伤'。

You know, I should go do something that is sort of mindless so that I can keep thinking, but I'm a little bit less bored. Anyway. Okay. Moving on. Another lie I tell myself is that my feelings aren't hurt.

那个人对我做的事完全没问题，我毫不在意。可能有点不舒服，但不，不可能是这样。我的感情没受伤，这不可能。有时候想到要和特定对象对峙，那种不适感让我难以承受。

What that person did to me is totally fine, and I'm unaffected. I might feel maybe a little bit uncomfortable, but no, no, that that can't be right. My feelings aren't hurt. That can't be right. Sometimes the idea of confrontation with a particular person is too uncomfortable for me to bear.

我向来推崇沟通，绝对是。我总是第一个给别人提建议的人：如果谁伤害了你，必须告诉他们，否则关系会变得紧张，对方也无法从错误中学习，那才可惜。

I am all about communication. All about it. I'm the first person to give the advice to others. Like, if someone hurt your feelings, you gotta tell them because otherwise the relationship is gonna be strained and that person is not gonna learn from their mistakes. And that's a shame.

我是第一个给出这种建议的人，但这并不意味着执行起来总是容易的。我经常发现自己会自欺欺人，试图否认不作为对我的负面影响，这样我就不必直面问题。我认为这很常见，很多人都会这样做。但关键在于，害怕面对是一回事，而承认‘不，这确实伤害了我，确实困扰了我’则是另一回事。

I'm the first person to give that advice, but that doesn't mean that it's always easy to do that. And I will often catch myself lying to myself about whether or not inaction affected me negatively so that I don't have to confront the situation. I think this is very common. I think a lot of people do this, but I think it's one thing to be afraid to confront, but to accept like, oh no, this did hurt me. This did bother me.

我意识到问题存在，但就是不愿面对。这是一回事。更复杂且狡猾的是，当你实际上很沮丧时，却要说服自己并不在意。这种情况需要更复杂的处理方式，因为你现在要跨越两道障碍。

I'm aware of it, but I just don't wanna confront it. That's one thing. It's way more complicated and devious to convince yourself that you're not upset when you are. That's an even more complicated sort of situation to figure out. Because now you have two hurdles to jump through.

第一，弄清楚自己是否真的感到沮丧，或者更准确地说，如何在不想沮丧的情况下接受自己确实感到沮丧。然后你还得想办法去面对它，或者处理这个局面。这种情况并不常发生，只在特定情境下出现，通常是与那些关系不够亲密、让我不便于直接面对的人——更糟的是，与那些迄今为止一直相处融洽的人。

Number one, figuring out whether or not you're upset, or I guess it's more like figuring out how to accept that you're upset when you don't wanna be upset. And then you have to figure out how to confront it, you know, or or how to handle the situation. This doesn't happen to me all the time. It happens to me in very specific types of situations. It tends to happen to me with people who I'm not close enough with to feel comfortable confronting them even worse, someone who I've had a really smooth relationship with thus far.

就像这段关系原本近乎完美，突然之间出现了裂痕，你会想：该死，我们明明一直很顺利。我不想破坏我们之间的和谐状态。这不可能出问题，我不可能被这种事困扰。

Like the relationship has been almost flawless. And now all of a sudden it's not, and it's like, fuck, We were doing so well. I don't wanna ruin this streak that we have going. Like, this can't be right. I can't I can't be bothered by this.

我并没有被这件事困扰。但问题在于，如果你不去解决它，怨恨就会逐渐积累。而对方也失去了成长的机会，这非常可惜。说实话，我认为关系中第一次正面冲突是最难的，因为你相当于打破了某种默契。

I'm not I'm not bothered by this. But the problem with that is is that if you don't address it, then you'll start building resentment. And then the other person doesn't get to grow. And that's such a shame. I honestly think the first confrontation in a relationship is the hardest because you are sort of breaking that seal.

因为当你初次认识某人时，大多数情况下一切都很完美。很美好，很理想。但最终总会有事情发生。

Cause when you first meet somebody for the most part, everything's sort of perfect. It's cute. It's perfect. You know? And then eventually something will happen.

这是不可避免的。而第一次冲突最具挑战性，因为你完全不知道对方会如何反应。这种未知让我们感到恐惧。通常正是这类互动让我感到挣扎，也正是这类互动会让我对自己撒谎。

It's inevitable. And that first conflict is the most challenging because you don't really know how the other person's gonna respond. It's sort of the unknown, and we're scared of the unknown. And, and that's usually the type of interaction that I struggle with. That's usually the type of interaction that I lie to myself about.

但最重要的是我必须停止那样做，因为我深知一个事实：要与他人建立真正有效的关系，就必须打破那层隔阂。你不能把关系看得太神圣而不愿打破这层屏障。只有打破它，才能建立能坦诚讨论问题的健康关系。虽然幸运的是我很久没遇到这种情况了，但根据对自己的了解，如果现在面临类似处境，我知道自己又会重复这个过去曾欺骗自己的谎言——这说明我还没真正走出来。

But it's so important that I stop fucking doing that because what I know to be a fact is that in order to have a real functioning relationship with somebody, you have to break that seal. You can't be so precious with relationships that, you know, you don't let that seal get broken. You have to break it so that you can have a real functioning relationship where there's an open dialogue about issues. This hasn't happened to me in a while, luckily for me, but I just knowing myself know that if I was put in this type of situation right now, this is a lie I would tell myself because it's a lie I've told myself in the past. And I I know that I'm not over it yet.

我知道自己仍会犯同样的错。所以希望下次面临这种挑战时，我能立即识破这个谎言，允许自己感到沮丧，并勇于直面问题。让我们一起来显化这个改变吧。说到显化，我另一个自欺欺人的想法是：如果我说出某个愿望或进行显化，反而会招来厄运导致它无法实现。

Like, I know that this is something I'd still do. So hopefully the next time I'm I'm faced with this sort of challenge, I acknowledge the lie immediately, allow myself to be upset, and allow myself to confront. Let's all manifest that together. Actually, speaking of manifesting, another lie I tell myself is that if I say I want something to happen, if I manifest it, that will jinx it and it won't happen. Yeah.

说实话，我觉得这个想法确实有些...怎么说呢，带着某种心理负担对吧？这其实是我的强迫症表现之一。由于特定的心理问题，我编造了这个谎言。但即便如此，我清楚宇宙运作根本不是这样的。

And to be honest, I, I do think that this one is a little bit, this one's a little bit loaded, right? This is a little bit of, of OCD for me. This is a lie that I tell myself due to a particular psychological issue that I have. However, it's still a lie that I tell myself because I know that that's not how the universe works. You know?

其实我也不知道宇宙究竟如何运作。有人真的知道吗？反正我不确定，我觉得人类可能永远无法参透。

I mean, I don't really know how the universe works. Does anyone? For sure. I don't know. I don't think any of us do.

但这个荒谬的谎言甚至与我的精神信仰相矛盾。如果对照我的灵性观念，这种想法根本站不住脚——它毫无逻辑性。正因如此，我差点不愿提及这些根植于强迫症、焦虑或偏执的自我欺骗，它们荒谬得令人困惑。但最终我还是决定坦诚，因为尽管我相信显化确实以某种方式起作用——无论是字面意义的宇宙回应，还是单纯的心态转变——这种矛盾本身就很不合理。

But this weird lie that I tell myself doesn't even align with my spiritual views. Like, if I were to assess my spiritual views, this doesn't this actually doesn't make sense. You know? Like, it's illogical, which is why I almost was hesitant to include particular lies that I tell myself that are rooted in, in OCD or anxiety or paranoia, because they're so irrational that it's like, what's even happening, but they are lies that I tell myself. So I did ultimately decide to include them, but it's like, it's illogical because I believe that manifestation does work in a way, whether it literally works, whether you're actually speaking to the universe and the universe is listening or manifestation works just through mindset shift.

虽然说不清显化的原理，但我确实相信它的力量。可有时我的大脑会莫名其妙地让我相信：显化会对我产生反效果，会带来厄运。为什么呢？我也不知道。

I don't necessarily know how manifestation works, but I actually do believe in it. However, sometimes for whatever reason, my brain decides to convince itself that manifestation will backfire for me. It will jinx it. Why? I don't know.

不知道大脑为何这样运作。它就是会莫名其妙地产生些滑稽念头。有时我会毫无理由地认为，某个不相关的想法会导致特定结果——这完全不合逻辑，但这就是我对自己说的谎话。

I don't know why my brain does that. It's just a silly little goofy thing that it does. For whatever reason. Sometimes I think that if I think something in unrelated outcome will will happen. It it just, it doesn't make sense, but it's a lie that I tell myself.

我还对自己撒相反的谎。比如我会骗自己说，如果我显化某件不希望发生的事，那通常意味着坏事或悲剧。我让自己相信，越是希望它不发生，它就越会发生。这太有意思了伙计们，简直妙不可言。

And I also lie to myself about the opposite. So I'll lie to myself and say, if I manifest that I don't want something to happen, usually that's something bad or tragic. I convince myself that by hoping that it doesn't happen, it will. It's so much fun, you guys. It is a hoot.

在我脑子里简直妙不可言。真他妈绝了。那儿永远在开派对，太有意思了伙计们，没有比这更棒的了。

It's a hoot up here in my brain. It's a fucking hoot. It is always a fucking party up there. It is so much fun, you guys. It is the best.

就是个派对。一片混乱。简直像在拍电影，就像那部《X计划》。记得那部关于疯狂派对的电影吗？

It is a party. It's chaos. It is a it is a fucking movie up there. It's like project x. Remember that movie about the big party?

这就是我的大脑。有人在做烈酒shot，有人到处呕吐，有人昏倒。超级有趣。我的大脑就是这样。我本想多说点，但真的说不出来，因为这太不合逻辑了。

That's my brain. People doing shooters, people throwing up everywhere, people passing out. Super fun. That's what my brain is like. I wish I had more to say about this, but I really don't because it's illogical.

我想，我应对这种挑战的方式就是反复确认这些事没有发生。懂吗？比如我举个例子：我会说服自己，只要我盯着飞机看，飞机就不会坠毁——而这种想法反而会导致坠机。懂吧。

I mean, I think the way that I have combated this challenge is by acknowledging time and time again when this doesn't happen. Okay? Like, I'll I'll give you an example. I will convince myself that by preying on an airplane, that the airplane doesn't crash, that that will make it crash. Okay.

我会说服自己，只要我祈祷飞机别坠毁，这个行为就会导致坠机。对吧？但当飞机真的没坠毁时，我就强迫自己注意这个事实——艾玛你看，那根本不是真的，事情根本不是这样运作的。

I'll convince myself that by praying that the plane doesn't crash, that's gonna make it crash. Right? But then when the plane doesn't crash, I force myself to pay attention to that. Emma, look, look, that wasn't real. That's not how shit works.

而且宇宙也不是围着我转的。这是另一个帮我管理这类迷信和强迫性侵入思维的认知：宇宙不以我为中心。懂吗？那架该死的飞机上又不是只有我一个人。

And also the universe doesn't revolve around me. That's that's the other thing that has helped me manage these sort of superstitions, OCD intrusive thoughts. The universe does not revolve around me. Okay? I'm not the only one on that fucking airplane.

认为在这架飞机上的数百人中，唯独我重要到能决定飞机是否坠毁，这种想法既自恋又自私且不切实际。仿佛我的祈祷和关于飞机坠毁的念头就会给航班带来厄运，而机上其他拥有好因果或坏因果、同样祈祷飞机平安的乘客都不重要似的。实际上，我根本没有那么重要。

It's narcissistic and selfish and unrealistic for me to think that I'm important enough out of all the hundreds of people on this plane. I'm the one that's gonna dictate whether or not this plane goes down. Like me, me praying and, and thinking about the plane, crashing is gonna somehow jinx this plane crashing. When there's also hundreds of other people on this plane who have good karma, bad karma, who are praying for the plane not to crash as well. Like, I am not that important.

我并不能掌控宇宙。你明白我的意思吗？我的行为并不能主宰一切事物的结果。懂我意思吗？这就是每当这类念头出现时我提醒自己的另一件事——因为这是事实。

I am not controlling the universe. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, my actions are not dictating the outcome of everything. You know what I'm saying? That's the other thing that I remind myself when I when I have these thoughts because it's true.

或者说...我也不确定。这取决于你的精神信仰，但这就是我的信念。有趣的是，某些心理挑战真的会让你的大脑自我对抗——它会让你说出并相信那些违背你自己哲学观、神学观的事情。好吧。

Or, I mean, I don't know. It depends on on your spiritual belief, but that's my spiritual belief. It's so interesting that certain psychological challenges can actually cause your brain to fight itself. Like it can cause your brain to say things and believe things that actually go against your own philosophy on things, your own theology on things. Okay.

接着说。另一个我常对自己说的谎言：'嘿，这人看起来不错，我挺喜欢TA的。'

Moving on. Another lie I tell myself. Hey. This person seems cool. I really like this person.

'我觉得可以信任TA'。我为什么要这样？不知道，完全说不通。每次认识新的人——

I think I can trust them. Why do I do this? I don't know. It it it makes no sense to me. I will meet somebody.

表面上我似乎有点喜欢对方。可能因为我们聊得投机，或者欣赏他们的风格，但总会莫名产生一种难以解释的怪异感觉。明明察觉到了这种异样，我却选择忽视它。

And on the surface level, I'll I'll kinda like them. Right? Maybe we have good banter. Maybe I like their style, but I'll get a weird feeling about them for whatever reason that I can't explain. I'll get a weird feeling about them, and I will ignore that feeling.

一次又一次地忽视。心底明明知道不对劲，清楚不该轻易信任或喜欢对方，但总会用'聊得投缘''谈话愉快''风格合拍'甚至'我信任的人也喜欢TA'这些理由说服自己。当内心深处始终存有疑虑时，其实我根本就不该这样自欺欺人。

Time and time again, I will ignore that feeling. I will know deep down that something's off and that I shouldn't trust them, and I shouldn't be so quick to like them because something's off. But I'll convince myself because maybe the banter is good, or we're actually having decent conversation, or I like their style, or other people that I trust like them. I will convince myself that I like them too, that I think that they're cool, that I can trust them. When I don't have a good feeling about them deep down, I actually don't.

我会贬低那种感觉，并说服自己喜欢他们。而往往到最后，那种不安感的原因会浮出水面。我会发现为何会有那种感觉。有趣的是，我们对人的直觉往往比自认为的更准确。看吧，这就是谎言出现的地方。

And I will dishonor that feeling and convince myself that I like them. And what tends to happen is down the line, the reason for that uneasy feeling will come to light. And I will discover why I felt that feeling. It's very interesting how we we have a better read on people than we think we do. And see, that's where the lie comes in.

我会说服自己是我太疑神疑鬼，是我过于苛刻，问题出在我身上，是我太古怪。但几乎每次我对某人产生不好的预感，最后都证明是对的。我想归根结底是因为我渴望喜欢别人。

I will convince myself that I'm being paranoid. I'm being overly judgmental. I'm the problem. I'm being weird, but I've almost never had a bad feeling about somebody and then been wrong ever. I think what it comes down to is that I want to like people.

真的，我真的很想喜欢别人。我想愉快地交流。我不喜欢讨厌别人，真的不喜欢。

I I really do. I wanna like people. I wanna have good conversation. I don't like disliking people. I really don't.

我知道这对认识我或听这档播客的人来说可能很震惊，因为我常说我喜欢八卦。我确实爱八卦。通常八卦伴随着对他人的厌恶，但我不喜欢讨厌别人。对我来说八卦不总意味着讨厌对方。

And I know that that might be shocking to those of you who know me, who listen to this podcast, because I have said many times before that I love gossip. I do love gossip. And usually gossip comes with dislike of others. I don't like disliking other people. Gossip for me doesn't always mean disliking people.

八卦可以是任何事。比如我挺喜欢的两个人分手了，我喜欢八卦这个，因为爱分析他们的关系为何破裂。也可能是讨论某人的职业生涯，和朋友一起分析。也许我很喜欢这个人，诸如此类。

Gossip can be anything. Gossip could be these two people who I really like broke up. And I like gossiping about that because I like analyzing their relationship and figuring out why they broke up. Gossip for me might be talking about someone's career and perhaps analyzing it with my friends. Maybe I like this person a lot, maybe whatever.

但比如他们的事业出了状况，聊起来很有意思。这就是八卦。比如他们筹备的项目被取消了，我不一定为此高兴，但这值得讨论。你懂我意思吗？

But, like, maybe something happened with with their career, and it's, like, interesting to talk about. It's gossip. Like, maybe something that they were working on got canceled or something. I don't necessarily feel happy that that happened, but that is gossip, and it's interesting to discuss. You You know what I'm saying?

对我来说八卦不是诋毁别人，而是分析发生的事情。我热爱分析事件，这很有趣，让我乐在其中。

Gossip for me is not about hating on people. It's about analyzing things that happen. That's I love analyzing things that happen. That's fun for me. That's interesting for me.

这让我了解自己和周围的世界，真是见鬼了。我爱这种感觉。我不喜欢讨厌别人，我想喜欢别人。

That teaches me things about myself and the world around me for fuck's sake. I love it. I love it. I don't like disliking people. I wanna like people.

特别是当我生活顺遂时。如果状态良好，我只想找乐子。懂吗？但如果处在人生低谷，克制厌恶情绪会更难些——我可能更容易讨厌别人，因为在糟糕时讨厌别人会带来快感。不幸的是，当你对自身和生活不满时，憎恨他人有种宣泄的疗效。

I think especially when I'm in a good place in my life. If I'm if I'm in a good place, I just wanna have fun. You know? If I'm in a particularly challenging place in my life, it can be a bit harder for me not to like, I might become more tempted to dislike people because disliking people feels good when you're in a bad place. Unfortunately, like when you feel bad about yourself and your life, there's something sort of cathartic about hating other people.

可悲的是，人性就是如此。当你低落时，拉踩他人会成为本能。而成年人的修养就在于懂得在这种时刻不向负面情绪屈服。不过说回来，我状态好时的基准心态是：我想喜欢别人，想爱别人。

And unfortunately, there's a human. There's something about bringing other people down when you feel down. And part of being an adult is knowing how to not cave to those negative feelings when you're in a moment like that, you know? But anyway, my baseline when I'm in a good place is I wanna like people. I wanna love people.

我想和睦相处，想享受快乐，想结交更多朋友。去他的！我觉得多数人顺遂时都会这么想。

I wanna get along. I wanna have fun. I wanna make more friends. Fuck it. And I think most people feel that way when they're in a good place.

正因如此，当我遇到某人产生不良预感时，往往会欺骗自己——也许对方真心喜欢我，想约下周吃饭。我不想拒绝，但直觉又发出警告。可比起相信直觉，我会想：管他呢！就当验证直觉是否准确吧，毕竟缺乏证据就下判断也不妥。

And that's why I think I tend to lie to myself when I meet somebody and I get a bad feeling because perhaps they really like me and perhaps they wanna hang out and they wanna go to dinner next week. I don't wanna have to say no, but I get a bad feeling about them. But instead of trusting that gut feeling, I'll be like, fuck it. I guess I'll go to dinner with them because I don't want to have to act on something that doesn't have a lot of evidence. You know?

必须承认，有时验证直觉对错并非坏事。根据经验，我的直觉往往是对的。但尝试验证也不算罪大恶极——谁知道呢？说不定就这样遇见挚友，而你的直觉可能是错的。

And I will say with this particular one, I feel like it's not always bad to test and see if your gut feeling was right or wrong. I mean, in my experience, a lot of times my gut feeling was right. I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to test it and to see. Because who knows? You might meet your best friend that way, and you might be wrong.

对吧？最坏的情况不过是：你开始发展一段友谊后突然醒悟'见鬼！这段关系本不该开始'，但已深陷其中，不得不抽身而退。

Right? I guess. And the worst thing that can happen is that you start to develop a friendship that you realize, oh, fuck. I probably shouldn't have developed this friendship. Now I'm further into it, and I have to walk away.

如果当初有不好的预感时直接走开，事情会简单得多。但给人机会也不是什么天大的坏事。即便最初直觉不妙，我的意思是这不算最糟，但确实有过让我后悔的时刻。明明感觉到了不对劲却没当回事，现在不得不找借口疏远对方，这感觉真糟糕，毕竟我不喜欢这样对人。

It would have been easier if I had just walked away when I had that bad feeling. But it's not like the worst thing in the world to give people a chance. If even if you get a bad gut feeling initially, I mean, it's not the worst thing, but I have had moments where I've been like, fuck. I did have a bad feeling and I didn't listen. And now I have to kind of blow this person off and that sucks, you know, because I don't like blowing people off.

我宁愿保持普通关系，你懂我意思吗？这也可能反噬我，因为我可能会说服自己喜欢某人，觉得他们很酷之类的。然后就会过度分享。我正在改进这点。

I would've rather just kept it in a place where we weren't friends. Do you know what I'm saying? This also can bite me in the ass because I might convince myself that I like somebody and I think they're cool and whatever. And then I'll overshare with them. I'm getting better at this.

年纪越大，我处理得越好。但即便是现在，偶尔还是会觉得'这人挺酷的，管他呢就说点心里话'。因为我天生藏不住事，尤其在现实生活中。

The older I get, the better I get at this. But I still, even now will be like, oh, this person seems cool. Fuck it. I'll just tell them some shit. I'll get into it with them because I'm such an open book, especially in real life.

现实中我确实毫无保留。网上也是如此，不过得更谨慎些，毕竟网络环境不同。在网上我不能随便谈论别人或点名道姓，现实生活里反倒可以随意些。总之，我热爱通过故事和有趣的人生经历与人建立联结。

I'm really an open book in real life. I'm an open book on the Internet, but I have to be a little bit more careful because it's the Internet. And if I'm not careful, like, I can't, like, I can't talk about other people and say names on the Internet, you know, whereas, like, I can do that a bit more in real life. Whatever. I love connecting with people through stories, through interesting life experiences.

我喜欢深入交流。我知道当快速分享真实脆弱的故事时，能更快与人建立深厚联系。但这些年我学会了谨慎，因为如果仅因觉得某人可靠就掏心掏肺——倒不一定是八卦，就是过度坦诚——之后往往会陷入后悔和焦虑：'要是他们传出去怎么办？我可能根本不想和这人交朋友'。

I love to get into it. And I know that when I tell vulnerable stories, when I tell real stories and I do it quickly, I make better connections with people sooner. And so that's why I do that. You know? But I've learned over the years that I have to be careful because if I just decide that I think somebody's cool and I can trust them and I just start getting into shit, not even necessarily like drama, but just, I don't know, getting real with somebody more than anything I suffer through regret and anxiety because then later I'm like, well, what if they, what if they tell people, I don't know that I want to be friends with this person.

现在他们掌握了我的某些事。就像我已经向他们敞开心扉，这让我感觉怪怪的。我总是不知不觉暴露太多，事后又后悔。

And now they know something about me. Like I've, I've like opened up to them and like, that makes me feel weird. I don't know. I almost expose myself more than I want to. And then later I regret it.

这期节目彻底暴露了我大脑有多失调，但我相信大家都有自己可爱的小毛病。所以别对艾玛太苛刻好吗？继续下一个话题，这个我们都干过。

This episode is really exposing to everybody how how dysfunctional my brain is, but I would like to believe that the that we all are dysfunctional in in our own cute little ways. So maybe let's not judge Emma too much. Okay. Moving on. This next one, I know we all do.

所以没人能在这件事上评判我，因为我们都会这样。我曾多次欺骗自己说已经放下前任了。好吧，不是说某个特定的前任，我是泛指任何前任。

So nobody can judge me for this one because we all do it. I have lied many times to myself about being over my ex. Okay. Not like not like I'm not saying a specific ex. I'm saying any ex.

我经历过很多段感情，确实有几个让我花了很长时间才走出来。特别是其中两段，真的让我纠结了很久。你懂吗？我还自欺欺人地说：我他妈早放下了，彻底翻篇了。

I've had many, and there have been a few that have taken me a while to get over. Like, I would say like, I would say two in particular really took me a while. You know? And I have lied to myself and said, I'm fucking over it. Over it.

其实根本没放下。但我觉得自欺欺人的原因是，我特别希望能真正释怀，尤其是当分手已经一年的时候。懂我意思吗？你会忍不住想：开什么玩笑？我居然还没完全走出来？

Not over it. But I think the reason I lie to myself about that is because I wanna be over it, especially when it's been, like, a year. You know? And and you're like, are you kidding me? I'm still not fully over this.

我还在想这件事。我对这段感情仍有复杂的情绪。为什么？都过去这么久了。为什么？

I'm still thinking about it. I still have complicated feelings about this. Why? It's been a long time. Why?

你知道吗？某种程度上这有点尴尬，或者说个人层面会觉得难为情。别人花一年、两年甚至五年走出情伤，我完全不觉得尴尬，也完全理解。

You know? It's kind of embarrassing in a way, or it can feel embarrassing on a personal level. I don't think it's embarrassing when other people take a year, two years, five years to get over an X. I don't judge it all. I totally get it.

但当主角换成自己时就很煎熬。我们都想相信自己很坚强、很洒脱，根本不在乎前任，早奔向更好的未来了。

But when it's yourself, it's tough. We all want to believe that we're, we're tough and we're resilient. We don't give a fuck about our X. We don't care. We're moving on to greener pastures.

我们假装不在乎。这种伪装让我们在未能释怀时感到羞耻，觉得自己脆弱不堪。这确实尴尬，因为分手总伴随着某种形式的拒绝——无论你是被甩的一方，还是主动提分手却发现对方早已向前走的那个人。

We don't care. We wanna believe that it makes us feel shameful when we're not. It makes us feel weak. It makes us feel vulnerable. And it's embarrassing because breakups inevitably involve some sort of rejection, whether you were the one that got broken up with, or you were the one that broke up with your partner, but perhaps now they've moved on and you actually haven't.

然后你就会想，等等，什么？这其中总会有某种拒绝的成分。对吧？因为如果你和前任分手了，之后又想他们，后悔了，想复合，而他们接受了，说‘好，我们复合吧’，那你就不再会有这种感觉了。

And then you're like, wait, what? There's always some sort of rejection involved. Right? Because if you broke up with your ex, and then you miss them, and you regret it, and you want to go back to them, and then they accept, and they say, yes, let's get back together. Then you're not feeling this feeling anymore.

你们复合后，你就不必再欺骗自己已经放下前任了。所以即使当初是你提的分手，如果你想复合而对方不愿意，这仍然是拒绝。你明白我的意思吗？如果你有这种感觉，那必然是因为其中涉及某种拒绝。这真的很难接受。

You don't have to lie to yourself about being over your ex because you're back together. So even if you're the one that did the breaking up, if you wanna get back together and they don't, that's still rejection. Do you see what I'm saying? Like inevitably, if you're feeling this way, it's because there's some sort of rejection involved. And that is really hard to accept.

被拒绝确实很难接受。这极具挑战性，会严重打击你的自信心。这是个难题。所以承认自己还没放下并不好受，因为在某种程度上，这等于承认了你经历过的拒绝。

It is really hard to accept when you've been rejected. It's incredibly challenging. It takes a huge toll on your confidence. It's a tough one. And so it's not fun to admit when you're not over it because in some ways, that's sort of a an admittance of the rejection that you've experienced in a way.

如果你还想念他们，那就是你被拒绝的痛苦提醒。而如果你已经放下，某种程度上你就占据了主动。你会想，我已经放下了，是我在拒绝他们。我已经放下了，是我在拒绝他们。

If you still miss them, that's a painful reminder that you've been rejected. Whereas if you're over it, in a way, that's a power position. You're like, I'm over it, and I'm rejecting them. I'm over it. I'm rejecting them.

现在是我在拒绝他们。我已经不在乎了。你知道吗？这真的很不舒服，尤其是当你开始约会时更困难。也许你遇到了新的人，甚至开始和他们约会。

Now I'm rejecting them. I don't care anymore. You know? It's really it's uncomfortable, and it's even more challenging when you're out and you're dating. And perhaps you've met somebody new, and maybe you started to date them.

但内心深处你还没放下。你会想，妈的。我想全身心投入，但我做不到，因为我还在纠结这件事。我只想彻底走出来，这样我才能开始新生活什么的。但这需要时间。

But deep down, you're still not over it. And you're like, fuck. I wanna be fully present, but I can't because I'm still caught up in this. But all I wanna do is be moved on so that I can, you know, start my new life or whatever. But it just takes time.

而且我觉得很多人不愿承认这需要多少时间。我就多次这样欺骗自己。其实大概就两次...不对，超过两次，但有两次特别糟糕的‘放下’经历。另一个我常对自己说的谎言是：如果我买了这本书放在床头，那我肯定会读的。显然我会读的。

And and I think a lot of us don't wanna admit how much time it takes. And so I've told that lie to myself many times. I mean, I guess just twice really more than twice, but like really badly twice moving on. Another lie that I tell myself is that if I buy this book and I leave it on my nightstand, inevitably, I'll read it. Obviously, I'll read it.

我现在床头柜上大概有五本书，都是过去六个月买的，但一本都没翻开过。原因嘛，听我说，我有各种借口解释为什么没读。但我觉得这些借口其实是更深层的谎言，这让我很困扰。我先说说我的借口，然后咱们一起判断我是不是在自欺欺人——我借口说没读这些书是因为工作实在太忙了。

I have, like, five books on my nightstand right now that I've bought in the last six months that I have not picked up. And the reason for that is, listen, I have excuses, for why I haven't read them. But I actually think that those excuses are further lies, which concerns me. I'll tell you my excuse, and then we can decide together if I'm lying to myself. My excuse for why I have not read those books is because I've been honestly working too much.

对我来说，床头这些书不是消遣读物，而是知识类书籍。最近工作强度太大，阅读对我来说反而像额外的工作负担。虽然某天我会重拾兴趣，但现在每天下班后大脑已经耗尽，根本没法再处理费脑子的东西了。

And reading to me is not it's not the books that I bought that I put on my nightstand are educational. They're not escapism. And I've been working so much that the thought of, like, reading to me is just further work in a way, which will be appealing to me at some point, but it's not to me right now because by the end of the day, I've expended my brain. Like, I don't have anything left. I can't do anything else hard.

你懂吧？我只想沉浸在短视频里或者直接睡觉。这就是我的借口。但我确实觉得这是种自我欺骗——如果真愿意，我完全可以挤出时间读这些书，只是我选择了不读。

You know, I need to just escape into something, whether that's a YouTube video or just going to bed. So that's my excuse. I do think that's a lie in a way. Like I do think I'm lying to myself. I could make time to read those books if I really wanted to, but I'm choosing not to.

对吧？但最初的谎言是...让我们回到这个谎言。这个谎言就是：只要把书买来放在床头，我就会读。这根本不成立，毕竟我对读书这事...说实话我算不上什么阅读达人。

Right? But the lie that the initial lie let's go back to the the lie. Okay. The lie is if I buy a book and put it on my nightstand, I'll read it. That that's just not true because what I know about books and listen, I'm not the most I'm not the biggest reader.

明白吗？我偶尔读书，但绝对算不上书虫。不过我的阅读兴趣是阶段性的。我觉得书的真相在于：它需要在合适的时间遇到你，你才会想读。特别是这种自愿学习的知识类书籍，时机必须恰到好处。

Okay? I read sometimes, but I'm not the biggest reader at all. But I go through phases. I think the truth of a book is that it needs to come to you at the right time for you to want to read it. Just simply needs to be the right time, especially with something educational that you're going to teach yourself about voluntarily.

对吧？教科书当然必须读，毕竟要上学。但在人生这个课堂里，自主选择的教育类书籍，除非正好碰上你有求知欲的时机，否则很难提起劲来。而我目前对床头那些书的主题就是提不起兴趣。

Right? Obviously, when it's a school book, you got to read it. You're at school. But when you're in the classroom of life, okay, and you can read a book whenever you want, an educational book, I think it can be hard to motivate unless you pick it up at the right time, you know, and you have kind of a hunger for that particular topic. And I just don't have an appetite for learning about the particular topics that are on my nightstand right now.

就是没那个胃口。所以指望把书摆在那儿就能读的想法太不现实。但问题在于——这些书是我真心想学的领域才买的，放在床头本意是激励自己。可它们现在完全无法引起我的共鸣，所以我一直没碰。

I just don't have that appetite. And so I think the expectation that like by having them there, I'll read them is just unrealistic because for whatever reason, I just don't have the appetite for those right now. But then I think when this becomes detrimental is that I have these books on my nightstand, right, that I bought because I really want I I really wanna learn about these things eventually. And so I'm keeping them on my nightstand because I wanna motivate myself to read them. But the problem is they are not speaking to me right now, so I'm not picking them up.

但问题在于我现在什么都不读了。而如果我说，你知道吗？这些书现在对我没有吸引力。我要把它们放进我的藏书里，等到我准备好再读。同时，我会去翻翻我的藏书，找一本现在能打动我的书。

But the issue with that is now I'm just not reading anything. Whereas if I were to say, you know what? These books aren't speaking to me right now. I'm gonna go put them in my book collection, keep them there until I'm ready for them. And in the meantime, I'm gonna go look through my book collection and find something that is speaking to me.

然后我会把它放在床头柜上。当我有阅读欲望时，至少我在读点什么，因为我认为读书很重要，但现在比以往更难有动力。非常难。对我们大多数人来说，阅读变得非常非常困难。有太多其他事情能带来更多多巴胺刺激。

And I'm gonna put that on my nightstand. When I have a moment where reading is appealing to me, at least I'm reading something because I think reading books is very important, but it is hard to motivate now more than ever. Very hard. It's very, very hard for most of us to read. There are so many other things that are much more dopaminergic.

你知道吗？这甚至是个词吗？我经常说这个词，但实际上从没谷歌过。所以我不确定。我觉得我用对了。

You know? Is that even a word? I say that word all the time, and I actually have never Google it. So I don't know. I think I used it right.

所以我就假装用对了。是的。我需要更谨慎地选择放在床头柜上的书，这样我才能真正多读点书，而不是像这样：你知道吗？我要严格要求自己，把这些书放在床头柜上。我要买它们，因为这些都是我需要学习的东西。

So I'm just gonna pretend that I did. Yeah. So I need to be much more intentional about the books that I keep on my nightstand so that I actually read more, you know, instead of being like, you know what? I'm gonna be disciplined and harsh with myself, and I'm going to put these books on my nightstand. I'm going to buy them because these are things I need to learn about.

我要把它们放在床头柜上，然后去读，因为我现在需要学习这些知识——而不是像以前那样每次都失败。也许我可以开始收藏书籍，但不把它们放在床头柜上自欺欺人地认为只要放在那里就会读。我要更慎重地选择留在床头柜的书。这就是我要开始做的。好的。

And I'm going to put them on my nightstand and I'm going to read them because I need to learn about these things right now, instead of doing that, which fails every time. I'm just going to start maybe, you know, I can collect books, but instead of putting them on my nightstand and convincing myself, I'm gonna read them just because they're there. I'm gonna be more intentional about the books I keep on my nightstand. That's what I'm gonna start doing. Okay.

继续说。我对自己说的另一个谎言是：每个和我说话甚至看我的男人都爱上了我。我这样做太尴尬了。真的很尴尬。我差点都不想把这个列入清单。

Moving on. Another lie that I tell myself is that every guy that talks to me looks at me even is in love with me. It's so embarrassing that I do this. It's really embarrassing. Like, I'm I barely wanted to include this on the list.

我不想承认，但这确实是我对自己说的谎言。不骗你。这样不好。我觉得这像是自恋特质。感觉这是自恋症的表现。

I didn't wanna admit to it, but this is a lie that I tell myself. I kid you not. It's not good. May I think that I feel like that's like a a narcissist trait. Like, I feel like that's a sign of narcissism.

就是，我感觉这不太对劲，这简直是我的危险信号。你懂我意思吗？我们都该举起红旗警示。这很糟糕。但至少我意识到了，而且我知道这有点荒谬又自恋。

Like, I feel like this is not like, this is a red flag about me. Do you know what I mean? We we should all hold up red flag. This is bad. But at least I'm aware of it, and I know that it's, like, kind of ridiculous and narcissistic.

这不是说他们有时候不会爱上我。可能吧。但是，好吧。我给你说个事，知道吗？我给你讲个故事。

This is not to say that sometimes they're not in love with me. Like, maybe. But, like, okay. I'll give you you know what? I'll tell you a story.

这证明我有点...懂吗？有次我在纽约一家酒吧，完全不在状态。我走进去，和朋友坐在吧台，这时进来一个超级、超级帅的男人。

This proves that I'm a little. Okay? One time I was at a bar in New York out of my out of my element. And I walk in. I'm sitting at the bar with my friends, and this very gorgeous, very gorgeous guy comes in.

帅呆了。帅呆了。我当时就想，哇，这男人真火辣。懂吗？

Gorge. Gorge. I was like, woah. That is a hot guy. Okay?

我忍不住多看了几眼。必须得瞄几下，这很关键。如果你能对视一秒钟，有时候后续就能搭上话。你懂我意思吗？

And I couldn't help it. I was looking. I had to look a little, which can go a long way. If you look and you can get a little eye contact for a second, sometimes that can start a conversation later. You know what I mean?

就像个小暗号。你明白那种感觉吧？所以我偷瞄了几眼，然后移开视线什么的。然后我们大概对视了一秒，要么就是我看他后移开视线，但能感觉到他也看我了——我当时就想：我他妈彻底沦陷了。就觉得：就是他了。

It's like a little message. You know how it is? So I was doing a little looking, and then I looked away, whatever. And I was like, we, like, locked eyes for maybe one second or, like, or it was either that or, like, I looked and then I looked away and then I could feel that he looked at me and I was like, I'm so fucking in. I was like, I'm in.

我彻底沦陷了。他想娶我。想永远和我在一起。他今晚就去凯珠宝店给我买戒指。他会破门而入给我拿戒指，因为他他妈就是这么为我着迷。

I'm so in. He wants to marry me. He wants to be with me forever. He is at Kay Jewelers getting me a ring tonight. He's breaking in to the jewelers to get me a ring because that's how fucking obsessed with me is.

他无法停止想我。他刚刚才看见我。余生他都会一直想着我。这就是我脑海里的想法。好吧。

He can't stop thinking about me. He just he just laid eyes on me. For the rest of his life, he will never stop thinking about me. This is how I'm thinking in my head. Okay.

转啊转啊转啊转，如果你愿意这么说的话，积极的旋转，好吧，是妄想般的旋转，但有趣的旋转。然后我就想，好吧。我要移开视线。显然我得，你知道的，再玩点欲擒故纵。我至少十分钟都不会再看过去。

Going, going, going spiraling, spiraling, if you will, positive spiral, well, delusional spiral, but fun spiral. And I'm like, okay. I'm gonna look away. Obviously, I have to, like, you know, play hard again. I'm just not gonna look again for, like, at least ten minutes.

你懂吗？就是得显得很忙很忙很忙，因为这对男生特别有效。所以我没在看，就专心做自己的事。最后我决定，好吧，我得再试一次。

You know? Like, gotta seem busy, busy, busy because that works wonders with boys. And so I wasn't looking, and I'm just minding my own business. Eventually, I decide, alright. I gotta shoot my shot again.

让我再看一眼。对我来说，"试一次"就是看一眼。仅此而已。因为我实在不擅长调情。其实我觉得我会调情，实际上我不会。

Let me just look back. Shooting my shot for me, by the way, is looking. That's it. Because I do not flirt very well. Actually, I think I flirt actually, I don't.

我确实不擅长调情。我太含蓄、太干巴巴又太害怕，但这种方式也有它的小效果。于是我决定来点猛烈的调情，艾玛式的，再回头看。结果人家有男朋友了。他们特别恩爱。

I don't flirt very well. I'm very subtle and very dry and very scared, but it it works in its own little way. So I decide to do some heavy hitting flirting, Emma style, look back. He has a boyfriend. They are very romantic.

他完全处在恋爱关系中，而且他是同性恋。也可能是双性恋。所以也许他觉得我挺辣，想要这个，但他确实有稳定伴侣了。说实话那是我误判了。你懂我意思吗？

He's fully in a relationship, and he's gay. He could be bi. So maybe he thought I was hot and he wanted this, but he was fully in a relationship. He that was a that was a miscalc for me, to be honest. Do you know what I mean?

我真的严重误判了。还有机会吗？哪怕一丝可能？老实说我觉得没有。我觉得那次是我完全算错了。

Like, I really miscalced. Is there a chance? Is there a slim chance that maybe no. I to be honest, that I don't think so. I think I miscalculated it on that one.

嗯，对，这没什么。确实。我也遇到过那种后来才发现对方已婚之类的情况。但你看，我觉得即使在恋爱关系中，你也永远无法真正了解对方。真的，你永远无法真正了解。

So, yeah, it's fine. Yeah. I've actually also had that with, like, guys that I found out later were married and stuff. But see, I guess even in relationship, you never really know. Like, you never really know.

懂吗？就算你最终看到他们和伴侣在一起，就像我经历的那样，你还是无法真正了解。不过继续说吧。好。下一个我对自己说的谎言是：我需要大部分时间独处才能保持创作输出。

You know? Even if you end up seeing them with their partner, what I was like, you still don't really know. But moving on. Okay. The next lie I tell myself is that I need to be alone majority of the time to maintain a creative output.

我需要95%的时间独处才能有创造力。某种程度上我确实认为独处对我的创作过程很重要。绝对重要，因为我做的很多事情和作品都是独自完成的。你知道，这些播客节目是我自己录制的，YouTube视频也经常是我自己拍摄剪辑的。

I need to be alone 95% of the time to be creative. And I do think to an extent that being alone is important for my creative process. It absolutely is because a lot of the things that I do and I make, I make by myself. You know, I record these podcast episodes by myself. I film and edit my YouTube videos oftentimes.

特别是剪辑工作，基本都是我自己完成。YouTube视频的构思也是我自己做的。Chamberlain Coffee的很多概念策划也是我独自完成的。我是个控制狂，喜欢亲力亲为。很多时候，我确实需要独处才能想出创意。

Well, I do the editing, especially by myself. I do the conceptualizing of YouTube videos by myself. I do a lot of brainstorming for concepts for Chamberlain Coffee by myself. I'm a control freak, and I like to do things by myself. And a lot of times, I do need to be by myself to come up with ideas.

但我认为在某种程度上这是健康的。超过这个度就变得不健康了。实际上不与他人合作反而在扼杀我的创造力。所以这是个自我欺骗的谎言，认为独处至关重要。这个想法很复杂，因为某种程度上确实如此。

But I think to a certain extent, that's healthy. And then beyond that, it actually becomes unhealthy. And I'm actually stifling my creativity by not involving other people. And so that's a lie I tell myself, that being alone is crucial. And I think, again, this one's complicated because to an extent, that's true.

但我觉得我做得过头了。我会整整一周完全独处在自己的创作泡泡里，几乎不和任何人交流。这意味着既没有创作层面的交流（比如不与人合作），也完全不进行任何社交。因为这个谎言的核心在于：我不仅认为创作上需要独处（意味着独自完成项目不需要创作伙伴），还认为要远离朋友、远离人群才能有创造力。

But I think I take it beyond. And I'll spend an entire week completely by myself in my creative bubble talking to almost no one. And that means not talking to people on a creative level, like not collaborating with anybody, but also just not talking to anyone in general. Because that's the thing about this lie. I believe I need to be alone, not only creatively, meaning I need to work on projects alone with no creative partners, but also I believe that I need to be alone away from friends, away from people in general to be creative.

而事实是，创作伙伴有时能带来难以置信的帮助，有人可以交流想法。当然这不是万能解药。但我确实可以在这方面多做些尝试。另外，如果你不与人交往体验生活，创意迟早会枯竭。

And the truth is when it comes to creative collaborators, that can be incredibly helpful sometimes to have somebody to bounce ideas off of. Again, is it always the answer? No. But I could probably do a little bit more of that. Also, if you're not living your life outside with people, you will run out of creative ideas.

我知道那是事实，但我会欺骗自己，说服自己外出、与人相处、参与社交会妨碍我的创造力，因为那是在浪费时间，但这并非真相。要知道，我很多创作灵感都来自与他人相处的真实经历。所以这个谎言在于：我误以为自己需要时刻独处，而实际上只需要偶尔独处。这是我当下急需改进的——毕竟过去几个月里我独处的时间实在太多了。有段时间这确实奏效，我完成了大量工作，创意源源不断。

And I know that that's true, but I will lie to myself and convince myself that going outside, spending time with people, being in the world is getting in the way of me being creative because it's wasting time, but that's not true. You know, a lot of my inspiration for things comes from lived experience with other people. So I guess the lie is that I need to be alone all the time when I really just need to be alone some of the time. And that's something I really need to work on, like, right now because I have been alone a lot in the last few months, a lot. And for a while, it was working for me, you know, and I was getting so much done and I was being so creative.

但到了某个节点，我突然感到内心空洞。我不知该如何... 可这很难，因为我是A型人格，某种程度上是个工作狂。我时常难以说服自己抽离创作去社交生活，这对我而言非常困难，毕竟我的天性就是个工作狂——我身边所有人都这么评价我。

But then at a certain point, I just became kind of empty and I need to I don't know. But it's hard because I'm so type a, and I'm so obsessed with I'm a workaholic in a way. And so it's hard for me at times to justify, like, involving other people or taking time away from working on things creatively to live my life. Like, that's really hard for me because by nature, I'm a workaholic, if you will. That's what everybody in my life calls me.

所有人都说'艾玛是个需要帮助的工作狂'。我确实需要些帮助，目前正在积极调整，因为这个谎言具有破坏性。长远来看，它最终会扼杀我的创造力。短期或许能侥幸见效，但终将全面崩溃。明白吗？

They're like, everyone is like, Emma is a workaholic and needs help. And I do need help a little bit, but it's something I'm actively working on because that lie is harmful. And it actually ultimately long term gets in the way of my creativity. There can be little bursts where it works, and I can get away with it, but it all comes crashing down eventually. You know?

我们需要他人。创作者也需要他人。创作过程虽常需独处，但绝不能成为创作者生活的全部。我时常自我欺骗说这就是我该有的生活，但这是错的。另一个自我欺骗是：'我就快速发个Ins'。

We need other people. Creative people need other people. The creative process is a solitary experience a lot of times, but that can't be the entirety of a creative person's life. And I will convince myself at times that it need that needs to be my life, and it's not true. The next lie I tell myself is that I'm just gonna post on Instagram really quick.

没什么大不了的。就打开应用，随便发条动态，速战速决。发完后可能看几眼评论，给喜欢的点赞回复——毕竟这很有趣。

No big deal. Just gonna open up Instagram. Just gonna open up the app. Just gonna do a little posty posty, gonna post really quick, gonna post something. And then right after I post it, I might read comments for a second, heart some of my favorites, maybe respond to a few, you know, because that's really fun.

接着我会遵守边界感：关闭应用放下手机，绝不无休止地刷屏，因为我清楚那会让我焦虑不适。但现实中呢？我刷个不停，回过神来时竟在看芝士饼干品牌的官方账号。

And then I'm gonna stick to my boundaries and I'm gonna close the app and I'm gonna put my phone down and I'm not gonna scroll, scroll, scroll because I know myself. I know that that makes me feel anxious and not so good. And you know what I do in reality? I scroll, scroll, scroll. Next thing I know, I am on, like, Cheez Its Instagram page.

转眼又翻遍海莉·比伯的照片合集。这就是我的日常。等我反应过来时，已在探索页刷了一小时短视频。

Next thing I know, I'm looking through Hailey Bieber's photo dump. This is just my life. This is just life. Next thing I know, I'm on my explore page watching reels. Next thing I know, it's been an hour.

我还在刷短视频。你知道，这是我对自己撒的谎。说实话，我并非完全不让自己滑动屏幕，比如看看海莉·比伯的照片集锦，逛逛Cheez Its的Instagram，偶尔也刷刷短视频。因为我觉得完全脱离潮流也不对——我确实会看，但必须承认每次打开应用都会忍不住多滑几下。

And I'm still watching reels. You know, it's that is a lie I tell myself. And honestly, like, it's not that I never let myself scroll and like, look through Hailey Bieber's photo dump and go on Cheez Its Instagram and, and look at reels sometimes. Cause I don't think it's like, I, I do think that it's important that I'm not completely out of the loop. Like I definitely look sometimes, but I need to admit to myself that every time I open the app, I will be scrolling a little bit.

即便我自以为只是发个帖就放下手机，事实并非如此。所以我应该每次发帖时都清楚自己会刷一会儿，并设个定时器——就像我随意刷手机时做的那样。老实说这种情况不多，但确实存在。大概每周会有那么一次，我会想‘去他的’。

Even if even if I think I'm just gonna go post and then I'm gonna, you know, put the phone down. That's not true. And so I should honestly go into every time I post, go into the app knowing I will be scrolling a little bit, and I should set a timer because that's what I do when I just wanna scroll randomly. And I really don't do that a lot, to be honest, but it does happen. Like, maybe once a week, I'll be like, fuck it.

‘就看看有什么新鲜事吧’，可能是在周末。仅此而已，频率真的不高。

Let's just see what's going on. Maybe on the weekend. You know? But that's it. And that's not a lot.

应该说比普通人少，低于平均水平。我发帖频率也不高，视情况而定——比如时装周期间可能天天发‘今日穿搭’‘今日穿搭’‘今日穿搭’。

That's less than normal, I would say, less than average. And I don't post on Instagram that often, you know, depending on what's going on. Like, during fashion week or something every day, here's my outfit. Here's my outfit. Here's my outfit.

重复又重复地发穿搭。但生活平淡时，我很少发Ins。虽然这么说，其实还是在自欺欺人——因为即便设了15分钟定时器说‘只刷15分钟’...

Again, again, again, here's my outfit. But I'm like, when not much is going on in my life, I'm not posting on Instagram that often, you know, so it's like, whatever, but that is a lie. But you know what? The lie goes deeper actually, because even when I set a timer and say like, I'm only gonna let myself go on Instagram for fifteen minutes. Right?

半数时候都是谎话。设定时器这个行为本身半数时候就是自欺欺人，因为总会冒出‘去他的，再看会儿’的念头。真的很难控制。

Half the time, that's a lie. Half the time me setting that timer is a lie. Cause half the time I'll be like, fuck it. Let me just look a little bit more. So it's so tough.

虽然我自认边界感很强，但依然会失控。我已经如此严格自律，可还是会破戒。最艰难的是当需要高频发帖时——比如时装周或Met Gala期间，既要发很多内容，又想看别人的动态。

Like I have good boundaries with it, but even I struggle. Like I am so strict and so rigid and like so careful, but even I will fail. It's the hardest, though, when there's some when I have to when I'm posting a lot, that's when it's the hardest. Like, during fashion week or during, like, the Met Gala or something like I'm posting so many different things. And also I wanna look at what other people are posting.

比如，我想看看别人在时装周穿什么。我想看看人们发布的关于Met Gala幕后花絮。你知道吗？我特别喜欢了解这些动态。在这些时刻。

Like, I wanna see what other people are wearing to fashion week. I wanna see what, like, behind the scenes stuff people are posting about the Met Gala. You know? I, like, love seeing what is going on. During those times.

我完全离不开手机。几乎所有的原则都被抛到脑后。我甚至不在乎。就让自己沉溺其中。然后付出代价，感到焦虑，感觉糟透了。

I am so on my phone. It's almost like all my rules go out the window. I don't I like, I don't even care. I just let myself indulge in it. And then I pay the price and I feel anxious and I feel like shit.

我骗自己说每次打开社交媒体应用都会有良好的界限。但一半时间都是在自欺欺人。不过我每天都在努力改进。我非常清楚这个谎言。虽然还是这样告诉自己。

I lie to myself that every time I open a social media app, I'm gonna have good boundaries. And half the time, it's a lie. But I I work on it every day. I'm very aware of that lie. Tell myself, though.

我非常清楚这一点，并且正在积极改进，但我们都明白这很难。接着说。另一个自我欺骗是'所有人都讨厌我'。这个谎话我说得比你想的频繁得多，但我明白为什么总这样想以及为何难以克服。归根结底是因为我的职业就在互联网上。

I'm very aware of it, and I am actively working on it, but it's just it's we all know it's tough. Moving on. Another lie I tell myself is that everyone hates me. I told this lie to myself more often than you would think, but I am aware of why I tell myself this lie so often and why it's so hard to deal with. I think it comes down to my career, which is on the internet.

我认为成为公众人物是件非常奇怪的事，因为众所周知，公众人物会承受超乎寻常的关注度。这导致什么？就是超乎寻常的舆论压力，意味着超乎寻常的负面评价。明白吗？公众人物比普通人承受更多恶意。

And I think being a public figure is a very weird thing because as we're all aware, public figures experience an unnatural amount of exposure to other human beings. And what does that lead to? An unnatural amount of opinions, which means an unnatural amount of negative opinions. Okay? Public figures experience more hatred than somebody who's not a public figure.

这很明显。我们都知道。但正因为这种状态太不自然，人类大脑很难适应。无论你多么擅长面对公众，这都不容易。而且我知道甚至不需要亲眼看到就能明白。

This is obvious. We all know this. But I think because it's such an unnatural thing, the human brain struggles to deal with it. No matter how good you are at being in the public eye, it's tough. And I think because I know I don't even have to see it to know.

懂吗？我根本不需要看别人怎么评价我，就知道无时无刻都有人在说我的坏话。在互联网的某个角落，在现实世界的某处，人们可能正在诋毁我，因为我以不寻常的方式暴露在公众视野中。所以我清楚自己时刻都在承受恶意。

Okay? I don't even have to see what people are saying about me to know that at all times, people are saying mean things about me at all times. Somewhere on the internet, people are saying mean things about me. Somewhere in the real world, people are probably saying mean things about me because I'm exposed in a way that's unusual. So I know that at all times I'm being hated on.

我知道那种感受。我认为这种非自然的经历有时会潜意识里让我确信自己就是个招人厌的人。我曾以为只有我经历过这些，但实际上我遇到过许多公众人物也有完全相同的感觉——他们觉得被社会憎恶，被全人类讨厌。这其实是很普遍的现象。

I know that. And I think that's such an unnatural experience that it sometimes subconsciously convinces me that I'm just a hated person. And I thought I was the only one who experienced this, but I've actually met many other public figures who had the exact same experience where they just feel hated by society. They feel hated by humanity as a whole. It's a very common thing.

我说的是那些备受爱戴的名人，在名人圈里广受喜爱的那种。可就连他们也会觉得‘我感觉被人类鄙视了’。而在我看来，明明所有人都爱你啊，你根本不算被广泛讨厌。这完全说不通。

I'm talking about beloved celebrities who like, in the grand scheme of celebrity are so loved. And even they're, like, I feel despised by humanity. When from my perspective, I'm like, literally everyone loves you. Like, you're not widely hated. That makes no sense.

但我想这就是人类大脑对此的反应方式。所以我经常会说服自己‘所有人都恨我’，我会不断给自己洗脑说我是个招人恨的人。当然确实有人讨厌我吗？确实有。

But it's just, I guess, the way that the human brain brain reacts to that. And so I will convince myself often that everyone hates me. Like, I I will just convince myself that I'm a hated person. Now are there people that hate me? Of course.

有人认为我愚蠢吗？当然有。有人认为我不该有工作吗？当然有。有人认为我很烦人吗？

Are there people who think I'm stupid? Of course. Are there people who think I shouldn't have a job? Of course. Are there people who think I'm annoying?

当然有。有人认为我邪恶吗？当然有，不幸的是这就是上网的代价。所有公众人物都面临这种情况，没有一个公众人物能得到一致喜爱。

Of course. Are there people who think I'm evil? Of course, that's being on the internet, unfortunately. And that's the case for any public figure. There's not one public figure that is unanimously liked.

对吧？但我会让这种想法渗透进我的心理，说服自己‘所有人都恨我’。而能把我拉出这种状态的时刻，就是当我在外面时有人走过来对我说：‘天啊我听了你的播客’或者‘我超爱看你的YouTube视频，它们给我带来了快乐’。

Right? But I'll let that seep into my psyche. And I will convince myself that everyone hates me. And what pulls me out of that is when I'm out and about, and someone comes up to me and says, oh my god, I listened to your podcast. Or, you know, I love watching your YouTube videos, whatever, and says, you know, it brings me joy.

‘它们对我很有价值，我真的很感激’。这时我就会想：艾玛，快打住。看到了吗？不是所有人都讨厌你。

It brings me value. Like, I'm so grateful for it. Then I'm like, Emma, stop. See, look. Not everyone hates you.

看啊，看啊，有人是喜欢你的。记住这一点，但这很难。因为即使在评论区里有很多善意的留言，这依然很难。

Look. Look. There are people who like you. Remember this, but it's so tough. It's so tough because even though in a comment section, there can be so many nice comments.

那些恶意的言论会以奇怪的方式潜藏在潜意识里。它们会、会悄悄浮现，变成我告诉自己'所有人都讨厌我'的荒谬谎言。这非常奇怪。而且这根本不是事实，因为我的生活中有爱我的人，评论区里也有爱我的人，但这些都不重要。

The mean ones will really stick in a weird subconscious way. And it'll, it'll creep back in, in this weird lie that I tell myself that everyone hates me. It's very weird. And again, it's not even rooted in truth because like there's people in my life who love me. There's people in my comment section who love me, but it doesn't matter.

不知为何，这种想法总会悄然滋生。非常奇怪。而且这归根结底是个谎言，所以我需要控制它。另一个我经常对自己说的谎言是'我没有嫉妒心'。

For some reason, this creeps in. It's very weird. And, and it is ultimately a lie. So I need to keep it in check. Another lie that I tell myself often is that I'm not jealous.

听着，我有时确实会嫉妒。我觉得自己对嫉妒情绪有很好的掌控力，也有很好的管理方法，但这不意味着我不会嫉妒。就像我在这个播客里给过如何处理嫉妒情绪的建议，明白吗？

Listen, I do get jealous sometimes. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on my jealousy. I have a good method of managing jealousy, but that doesn't mean that I don't get jealous. Like, I've given advice on this podcast about how to handle feelings of jealousy. You know?

我知道该怎么处理，对吧？但这不意味着这些情绪永远不会出现。我觉得没人愿意感到嫉妒，更糟的是没人愿意承认自己嫉妒。

I know how to handle it. Right? But that doesn't mean that those feelings are never gonna come up. I think, like, nobody wants to feel jealous. And even worse, nobody wants to admit that they're jealous.

这在某种程度上是种羞耻的感觉。所以我有时很难向自己承认正在嫉妒，需要时间才能面对。尽管我觉得自己现在很擅长处理嫉妒，但当嫉妒情绪出现时，我仍会对自己撒谎，要过一会儿才肯承认。

It's just kind of a shameful feeling in a way. And so I sometimes have a hard time admitting to myself that I'm feeling jealous. Like, it takes me time. Even though I feel like I'm good at managing it at this point in my life, I still will lie to myself when feelings of jealousy come up. And I'll I'll lie to myself for a little bit before I admit that I'm jealous.

即使我清楚意识到发生了什么，还是需要时间才能面对。大脑的运作方式真的很奇怪。另一个我对自己说的谎言是：'今天效率不够高，没资格休息，必须继续工作'。

Like, it takes me time, even though I'm aware of everything that's going on. It's very weird how the brain works. Another lie that I tell myself is that on a particular day, I haven't been productive enough today. I don't deserve to rest. I need to keep going.

我今天完成的事情不够多。我总是这样。这是个谎言。我经常这样告诉自己。这要追溯到我工作狂的一面。

I haven't gotten enough done today. I do this all the time. This is a lie. I tell myself all the time. I, this goes back to the workaholic ness of me.

再说一次，这听起来可能像我在炫耀，但并不是。这不是在说‘天啊，我多么有动力’。完全不是。因为我实际上认为，到头来——甚至不用等到一天结束，而是一个月后——我那种逼自己到极限然后崩溃、什么都做不了，再逼自己再崩溃的模式，最终完成的工作量可能和那些节奏更慢、更平衡的人差不多。

And again, this might sound like I'm like, this is not a flex, by the way. This is not me being like, oh my god, I'm just like so motivated. It's not that. Because I actually think that at the end of the day, not even at the end of the day, but like, at the end of a month, right? The way that I push myself and then burn out and then can't do anything and then push myself and then burn out and then can't do like, at the end of the month, I probably get the same amount done as somebody who just takes it a bit slower and has a bit more balance.

你明白我的意思吗？作为一个工作狂，我并不认为这必然让你完成更多事情。也许吧。但我想说的是，我认为这是一种缺陷。

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, being a workaholic, I don't think actually makes you get more done necessarily. Maybe. Maybe. But I consider it to be a flaw is what I'm trying to say.

事实是有些日子效率高，有些则不然。而像我这样的人，无论是否高效，几乎总会得出自己做得不够的结论。我永远无法满足——如果这个词能用的话。这是个词吗？随便了。

The truth is some days are gonna be productive and some are not. And the type of person I am, whether I've been productive or not, I will almost always come to the conclusion that I haven't done enough. I am insatiable if that or insatiable. Is that a word? Whatever.

我无法感到满足。我很少满足。所以我不断用‘做得不够’的谎言欺骗自己。其实，如果到了该死的晚上，又没有未完成的截止日期，我完全可以收工。懂我意思吗？

I cannot be satisfied. I am rarely satisfied. And so I'm constantly telling myself the lie that I haven't done enough. When it's like, you know what, if it's the end of the fucking day, and there's no deadline that hasn't been met, I can be done. Do know what I mean?

我可以结束了。哦，晚上9点了。没有必须完成的事了。好吧，那我可以收工了。明白我说的吗？

I can be done. Oh, it's 9PM. And there's nothing that has to be done. Okay, then I can be done. You see what I'm saying?

所以这是个谎言。因为到了晚上我必须停下，总得有个终点。但我几乎每天都欺骗自己说‘还有事要做’，这引出我对自己说的另一个谎言：‘我不累也不透支，只是个懒惰的废物’。

That's why it's a lie. Because it's like, if it's the end of the day, I have to stop. Like there has to be a stopping point. But I I lie to myself almost on a daily basis and say, there's still more to be done, which leads me to my next lie that I tell myself, which is I'm not tired and burnt out. I'm just a lazy sack of shit.

我不配休息。我只是在偷懒找借口。虽然这听起来像是我在自我炫耀谎言，但最终这种谎言确实有害，因为它会导致我精疲力竭，让我陷入什么都做不了的境地，心理极度脆弱。关于这个性格特点我已经谈论过很多次，这些年来我也在进步，避免陷入这种境地，不再屈服于这种谎言，能够识别它。我确实有所改善，但这并不意味着我有时仍不会对自己撒这些谎。

I don't deserve rest. I'm just being lazy and making excuses. Again, this sounds like a flex of a lie that I tell myself, but it really is ultimately detrimental because this type of lie leads me to burnout, leads me to the point where I can't do anything, and I'm very mentally weak. And I've talked about this trait that I have many times, and I have gotten better over the years at not getting to this point, not succumbing to this lie, recognizing this lie. I've gotten better at it, but that doesn't mean that I don't still lie to myself about these things sometimes.

确实如此。好吧。下一个我对自己说的谎言是：我能承担更多责任。当我用'盘子里的食物'来比喻人生时——就是那种'你盘子里装了多少事'的比喻——我真的很不擅长正确分析自己的'盘子'。

I do. Okay. The next lie I tell myself, I can take on more responsibilities. When I when I think about my life in the plate, like, you know, the metaphor of, like, what you have on your plate. I am really bad at properly analyzing my plate.

我总在欺骗自己还能往盘子里加多少东西。看着这个比喻中的盘子，明明只剩一个小角落还能放点东西——严格来说那个角落本该是用来睡觉或陪伴在乎的人的——但我就会觉得：这是空闲位置，让我再揽些责任吧。

And I constantly lie to myself about what I can put on my plate. I will look at my plate, my metaphorical plate, and there'll be one small little corner open where I could put something there. And technically that that portion of the plate is like for sleeping or hanging out with people that I care about. But I'll be like, that's an open space. Let me take on some more responsibilities.

接着我就会精神崩溃，不得不把整个盘子里的东西都倒进垃圾桶，然后再次陷入什么都做不了的状态。所有这些工作相关的事情听起来像在炫耀，直到你意识到它实际会导致我完全瘫痪，直到我重新充电前什么都完成不了。虽然我在这方面有所进步，但仍把它列入了自我欺骗清单，因为这些仍是我正在学习管理的突出谎言。另一个谎言是：只要完成这个目标，我就能获得成就感，终于允许自己结束收工。

And then I have a mental breakdown, and then I have to take, and then I have to take the plate, and I have to scoop everything into the trash can, and then I can't do anything. Again, all of this stuff, all this, like, work related stuff sounds like a flex until you realize that it actually leads to a state where I can't do anything, and then I get nothing done for a little bit until I recharge my battery. And, again, I'm getting better at all this stuff, but I'm including it on this list of lies that I tell myself because these are very prominent lies that I'm still figuring out how to manage. Another lie I tell myself is once I complete this goal, I'll finally feel a sense of accomplishment, and I'll finally allow myself to just finish and complete and be done. You know?

好像工作可以暂停片刻，让我沉浸在成就感中。不，即便在列这个清单时我也很难做到。就是今天我们播客要讨论的这个'我对自己说的谎言'清单。我告诉自己：只要列出10个自我欺骗的谎言，就停止撰写播客提纲。

Like, the work can stop for a little bit, and I'll just sit in this sense of accomplishment. No. I really struggle with that even when making this list. I'm talking about the list that we're talking about today for this podcast episode, the list of lies I tell myself. I told myself, once I come up with 10 lies that I tell myself, I will stop writing this podcast outline.

我会感到满足，然后坐下来录制节目。结果当我列到10个时，又觉得不够，非要列12个。列到12个又说12个不够。

I will feel accomplished. And then I will sit down and I will record the episode. Well, I hit 10, and then I decided that's not enough. I need to do 12. Came up with 12 and then said, 12 is not enough.

最终我列出了17个，因为只有到17个时我才感到满足。我就是那种永远感受不到成就感的人，总觉得还缺了点什么。

I ended up coming up with 17 because I I did not feel accomplished until I got to 17. Then I was like, okay. I feel good now. I am the type of person that just does not ever feel accomplishment. There's always something.

如果我追求成就感，我将永远无法获得成就感。这似乎是我对自己得出的结论。我觉得我需要从中抽离情绪。比如在列这份自我欺骗清单时，与其说'写到十条就会有成就感然后可以停下'，不如告诉自己'就算写到十条也不会有成就感——因为这就是我的性格——但我会完成它，仅此而已'。

If I'm seeking the feeling of accomplishment, I'll never reach accomplishment. I feel like that's kind of the conclusion I've come to with myself. I almost I think I need to remove the emotion from it. Like, for example, in making this list of lies that I tell myself, instead of saying, once I get to 10, I'll feel accomplished, and then I can stop. I need to be like, once I reach 10, I'm not gonna feel accomplished because that's the type of person I am, but I'm going to be done, and that's it.

因为'我会感到成就'本身就是个谎言。当然，确实存在让不易获得成就感的人感到满足的方法，我之前也讨论过。但我觉得这并不总是现实的，我需要更了解自己。下一个我常对自己说的谎言是：我快要死了——就是当下正在濒死的那种感觉。

Because it is a lie to think that I'll feel accomplished. I mean, I think there are ways to feel accomplished even when you're not the type of person who naturally feels accomplished. And I've talked about that before. But I think it's not always realistic, and I think I I need to know myself a little bit better. The next lie I tell myself constantly is that I'm dying, like in the moment that I'm dying.

比如过去几周我一直在咳嗽，每天我都坚信自己的肺正在衰竭，呼吸急促，命不久矣。但每次测血氧都完全正常。坐飞机时我总认为即将坠机；在餐厅吃饭时又会幻想自己食物中毒，或是突发从未有过的过敏反应。

For example, for the last few weeks, I've had a cough, and I have convinced myself on a daily basis that my lungs are collapsing and that I'm having shortness of breath and that I'm dying. And every time I take my oxygen, my oxygen levels are perfect. I am not dying. When I'm on an airplane, I convince myself that the plane will crash soon, and I'm dying. When I'm at a restaurant, sometimes I'll convince myself that I've gotten food poisoning or I've been poisoned or I'm, or I've developed an allergic reaction that I've never had before.

感觉喉咙紧缩仿佛濒临死亡。我每天要多次说服自己正在死去——虽然事实并非如此。父母总提醒我：第一，人类韧性超乎想象。当然不是说我们永生不死，但我们的承受力远比自以为的强得多。

And my throat's closing up and that I'm dying. I convince myself that I'm dying multiple times a day. And I'm not. Well, my parents always remind me is that number one, humans are very resilient. Not, that's not to say that like, listen, we're not immortal, but we're shockingly resilient, like more than we think we are, you know?

只要还能说话走路——明白我意思吗？能走能说能动就说明没在垂死边缘。我知道这很荒谬，但我的大脑就是这样运作的。

And if I'm able to talk, you know what I'm saying? Like, if I'm able to walk and talk and move, I'm not dying. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't know. I'm just I'm ridiculous, but I'm this is how my brain works.

我极度焦虑，活得一团糟。最后这个谎言（肯定还有更多但暂时只想到这个）是：我确实产生了糟糕的预感。总觉得会突然发生重大灾祸——不是小事，而是有人即将死亡、爆炸这类极端事件。

I'm very anxious, and I'm a mess. And the last lie that I tell myself, I mean, there's definitely more, but this is the last one that I can think of, is that I'm genuinely having a bad gut feeling. Like, something bad's gonna happen out of nowhere. Not just, like, something minor, but, like, something major. Like, somebody's about to die or something's about to explode or like something intense, something extreme.

我会深信这种悲剧预感是真实的直觉，而不仅仅是焦虑和妄想。不，我坚决认为这是真实的预兆——当然事实并非如此。

I'll convince myself that I'm genuinely having a gut feeling about something tragic happening. And I'm not just anxious and paranoid. No. I'm genuinely having a premonition. No.

我不是。不，我不是。我只是突然想到一些可怕的事情会发生。然后我说服自己那个闯入的念头是预感，是我的直觉。

I'm not. No. I'm not. I just had an intrusive thought about something scary happening. And then I convinced myself that that intrusive thought is a premonition is my intuition.

根据我读到的所有关于直觉的资料，它应该要微妙得多。就像当我对某人有不好的直觉时，这又回到了某些心理挑战毫无逻辑可言的状态。它让大脑自我对抗，几乎变得虚伪——我对自己撒谎说'等等，我觉得这人挺酷的，我真的很想喜欢他们'，而内心深处却对他们有不好的直觉，因为我不愿承认这种不适感。

When everything I've read up about intuition is that it's far more subtle. It's like when I get a bad gut feeling about a person, it's so this is, again, it goes back to like how certain psychological challenges make no sense. It makes the brain fight against each other. It makes the brain hypocritical almost like I lie to myself and say, wait, I think this person's cool. I, I really wanna like them When deep down, I get a bad gut feeling about them because I don't wanna feel that bad gut feeling.

我在逃避。逃避那个本应重视的糟糕直觉，但它很容易被忽略，因为它不涉及太严重的事，而且我也无法确切理解它的含义。它更模糊、更轻柔，像一声耳语。

I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding that bad gut feeling that actually should be listened to, but it's easy to ignore because it's not about anything too serious or, and I can't necessarily figure out exactly what it means. It's more vague. It's more soft. It's a whisper.

对吧？我会主动忽略那种直觉。但当我产生可怕念头时——就像我妈说的——当那个令人恐惧不安的侵入性想法出现时，我会反复纠结并说服自己这是即将应验的预兆。而实际上，直觉应该是更微妙、更抽象且没那么强烈的，并非'可怕的事马上就要发生'这种。

Right? And I actively will ignore that gut feeling. But then when I have a scary thought, as my mom calls it, when I have an intrusive thought that's really scary and disturbing to me, I will obsess over it and convince myself that it's a premonition and that it's gonna happen. When in reality, everything I know about intuitive feelings is that it is much more subtle, much more abstract, and much less intense. It's not like this is about to happen, and it's about to be really scary and bad.

它更像是一种灵性指引，暗示你该做或不该做什么。但矛盾的是，我知道那些细微柔和的直觉才值得关注，因为那才是真正的直觉，可我却忽视了它们。而当出现某个喧闹的侵入性想法时，我又会说服自己那是直觉——尽管心知肚明并非如此。大脑实在太复杂了。

It's like more like a almost like a spiritual guide inclining you to do something or not do something. But what's kind of hypocritical about it is that I know that a subtle little soft gut feeling is one to pay attention to because that's what intuition is. And yet I ignore that one. But then when I get some sort of loud intrusive thought, I'll convince myself that that's intuition when I know that that's not. The brain is so complicated.

我觉得我的大脑尤其复杂，虽然并非人人都这样，但我觉得我的很糟糕。有时我会想：'你为什么这样？根本毫无逻辑。'里面发生的破事大半都说不通。不过说实话，今天关于我大脑的讨论已经够多了。

It's and I feel like mine especially is complicated, but it's it's not everybody's as complicated, but I feel like mine sucks. Sometimes I'm like, why are you like this? Nothing even makes sense. Like, half the time shit doesn't even make sense that's going on in there. But that's enough of, that's enough of my brain for the day, to be honest.

我觉得今天剩下的时间里，我们都需要暂时远离艾玛的大脑了。所以我要停止说话了，打算做些不用动脑的事，毕竟已是傍晚时分，我觉得这是我应得的。我鼓励大家直面自我欺骗，这是个持续练习的过程——虽然永远无法完美掌握，但越早开始实践越好。

Like, I think we all need a break from Emma's brain for the rest of the day. So I'm gonna stop talking now. I'm gonna spend the rest of my day doing things that are mindless because it's the evening time, and I think I've earned it. I encourage you all to face the lies that you tell yourself head on. It's an ongoing practice, I think, that you'll never perfect necessarily, but it's a practice that I think is worth starting to practice as soon as possible.

在此，感谢大家的聆听。如果你喜欢本期节目，《随心所欲》每周四和周日都会更新，你可以选择每周收听两次，或者不听也没关系。本节目在所有播客平台都能收听，但如果你想观看视频版，只能在YouTube和Spotify上找到。

And with that, I thank you all for listening. And if you enjoyed this episode, new episodes of anything goes every Thursday and Sunday, you can tune in and hang out twice a week if you want or not. And that's fine too. Anything goes is everywhere you stream podcasts. But But if you wanna watch video, that's only on YouTube and Spotify.

《随心所欲》的社交媒体账号是@anythinggoes，我的个人账号是@emmachamberlain，我的咖啡品牌在全球和网络上的名称都是Chamberlain coffee。我爱你们每一个人，非常感谢大家。我下巴有根毛需要拔掉，它真的让我很困扰。

Anything goes is on social media at anything goes I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is in the world and on the internet at Chamberlain coffee. I love you all. I appreciate you all. I have a chin hair that I need to pluck. It's like really bothering me.

所以我现在真的得去处理这个了，必须赶紧结束录制。我爱你们，感谢大家的收听和陪伴。

So I, like, really need to do that now. So I really need to wrap this up. I love you all. I appreciate you all. Thank you for listening and hanging out.

每次和你们相聚都很愉快。下次见面时，我那根下巴毛应该已经拔掉了。希望你们没注意到它，但既然我提起来了，你们可能会倒回去放大视频找它看——我真是给自己挖了个坑。

It's always a pleasure. And next time I see you, my chin hair will be plucked out. Hopefully, you didn't notice it. But now that I brought brought it up, you're gonna probably like go back a little bit and zoom in and try to find it. So I've really sort of screwed myself over there.

好了，我必须停止录制了，真的得结束了。再见。

Okay. I have to stop recording. Like, I have to stop this. We have to be done. Bye.

我爱你们。

I love you.