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欢迎。
Welcome.
欢迎。
Welcome.
欢迎来到《扶手椅匿名者》。
Welcome to Armchair Anonymous.
我是丹·拉瑟，今天和我一起的是莫妮卡·帕德曼。
I'm Dan Rather, and I'm joined by Monica Padman.
你好。
Hi.
今天是第12期随机话题。
Today is wildcard 12.
第12期？
12?
我简直不敢相信我们已经做了12期随机话题了。
I cannot believe we've had 12 wildcards.
我们喜欢这种随机话题。
We love a wildcard.
我们确实喜欢，因为你不知道会遇到什么。
We do because you don't know what you're gonna get.
你会不会遇到败血症？
Are you gonna get sepsis?
哎呀。
Uh-oh.
可能会有人遇到。
Someone might.
哎呀。
Uh-oh.
这规模相当大。
It's quite large.
是的。
Yeah.
这和之前说的、宣传的一样，太出人意料了。
This is wild as promised, as advertised.
请大家欣赏第12号“未知惊喜”环节。
Please enjoy Wildcard 12.
大家好。
Hello.
嗨。
Hi.
我看你现在在自己的衣橱里呢。
I see you're in your closet.
没错。
I am.
我的衣橱特别小。
My closet is tiny.
我住的是科德角风格的房子，所以空间挺紧凑的。
I live in a Cape Cod house, so it's quite small.
你在那里住了多久了？
How long have you lived there?
我在这里住了大约五年了。
I have been here for about five years.
你和谁一起住啊？
You and who?
我丈夫。
My husband.
你们结婚多久了？
How long have you been married?
大概三年了。
About three years.
其实整栋房子都是他和他的父母翻新的，最后一颗钉子钉完的下个月，我就和他相识了。
He and his parents actually renovated this whole house, and then the last nail was hammered in, and I met him that next month.
哇，也太巧了吧？
Oh, what timing?
太巧了吧。
That's perfect.
对呀。
Yeah.
我这事办得太顺了。
It worked out great for me.
那之后你们就在那一起同居了几年，然后就结婚了？
And then you lived there in sin for a couple years and then you tied the knot?
对。
Yeah.
一切都是上天的安排。
As the Lord intended.
好的。
Okay.
挺好的。
Great.
你打算用什么假名？
What fake name are you gonna use?
我跟我朋友说过我会用她的名字。
I told my friend I would use her name.
所以我今天就用布鲁克这个名字了。
So I'm going to be Brooke today.
好的，没问题。
Okay, great.
我很喜欢布鲁克这个名字。
I like the name Brooke.
它让我立刻就联想到波姬·小丝。
It makes me think of Brooke Shields immediately.
这个名字很不错。
Solid.
好的。
Okay.
所以这是个随机事件。
So this is wild card.
另外，莫妮卡可能会加入。
Also, Monica may enter.
她迟到了，但如果你看到一只小老鼠穿过画面，别被打扰，直接加入就好。
She's late, but don't get disrupted if you see a small mouse cross frame and then join.
我家里以前从来没有过小老鼠，这对我来说是第一次。
I haven't had any small mice in my house before, so it'll be a first for me.
好的，太好了。
Okay, great.
布鲁克，请开始讲你的故事。
Brooke, please set up your story.
这个故事发生在2012年。
This story takes place in 2012.
我当时快要大学毕业了。
I was about to graduate from college.
那件事其实发生在我大学毕业的两天前。
It was actually two nights before my college graduation.
那天是周五晚上。
So it was a Friday night.
我原定周日正式毕业，那天我去参加了学校主办的一场派对。
I was supposed to graduate on Sunday, and I went to a party that was hosted by the college.
那是学校为应届毕业生办的一场小型毕业聚会。
So they threw a little graduation chindig for graduating seniors.
那我能问问你当时学的是什么专业吗？
And can I ask what your major was?
我想先对你的专业小小地猜一下。
I want to stereotype you a little bit.
你要猜猜看吗？
Do you want to guess?
尽管大胆猜就行。
Lean into the stereotyping.
好的。
Okay.
我猜是艺术史专业。
I'm going art history.
好的。
Okay.
我太喜欢这个猜测了。
I love it.
我的专业不是艺术史，但谢谢你猜这个。
It was not art history, but I appreciate it.
那你学的是什么专业？
What was it?
其实这和我接下来要讲的故事有点关联。
So that actually is a little bit of the story.
所以我打算先把这个信息留到后面再说。
So I'm going to reserve that information.
但我的本科项目是在一所小型文理学院。
But my undergraduate program was just a small liberal arts college.
他们能为整个毕业班级举办一场派对。
They can host a party for the entire graduating class.
我们学校就是这么小。
That's how small we are.
哦，哇。
Oh, wow.
好的。
Okay.
我和朋友们去参加了那个派对。
My friends and I went to that.
派对结束后，我们回到了另一个朋友的宿舍，那个地方通常不是我们闲逛的区域，因为那是大一和大二学生住的地方。
And then after that was finished, we went back to another friend's dorm room in an area of campus that we typically did not hang out because it was where the first and second years actually lived.
住在那里的一位朋友休学了一个学期后又回来了，而那里是唯一还有宿舍空位的地方。
My friend that lived there had left for a semester and come back, and that was the only place that they had housing available.
所以派对在那里继续进行。
So the party kind of continues there.
到了午夜，我们走到外面的吸烟凉亭。
And around midnight, we go outside to the smoking gazebo.
校园里每个住宿区都有这种木制凉亭，距离宿舍门有一定距离，目的是鼓励人们在规定的安全距离外吸烟。
The campus had these wooden gazebos in all of the different housing areas that were particular distance from the doors to encourage people to smoke their cigarettes the correct distance away.
到了2012年，有多少学生在玩飞镖？
And now 2012, what percentage of the students are banging darts?
我觉得挺多的，但也许只是我朋友而已。
I felt like a lot, but maybe it was just my friends.
好的。
Okay.
所以我们去了吸烟凉亭，一进去就发现所有新生都拿到了一本学校指定的必读书，他们把这本书挂在了凉亭的横梁上。
So we go to the smoking gazebo and when we enter the gazebo, we realized that all of the freshmen, they're all given a campus book to read as they enter their freshman year.
他们把那本书都挂在了这个凉亭的横梁上。
And they all had taken that book and hung it in the rafters of this gazebo.
所以当时大概有十二到十五本书卡在木制凉亭的天花板上，所有书页都像扇子一样在我们周围展开。
So they're probably like 12 to 15 books that were stuck in the rafters of this wooden gazebo when they're all kind of hanging with their pages fanning out around us.
这时候你喝到十分之几了？
How drunk are you out of 10 at this point?
现在回想起来，我觉得我当时可能比自己以为的还要醉。
I feel like in hindsight, I probably was drunker than I thought I was.
是的。
Sure.
是的。
Sure.
但我估计大概有五分之六的样子。
But I would say like a solid five or six.
我觉得还没失控。
I would not consider out of control.
我喝得更醉的夜晚多的是。
I've had way drunker nights.
但这加上我们刚完成本科学业、正在庆祝的感觉，
But that combined with the feeling of like we're done with our undergraduate, we're celebrating.
大自然的可卡因。
Nature's cocaine.
没错。
Exactly.
它真的深入我们的体内，于是我们决定把这些书点着了。
It really got into our system and we decide that we are going to light these books on fire.
火。
Fire.
好的。
Okay.
太好了。
Great.
具体是谁提出的主意？
And whose idea specifically?
害，这谁说得清呢？
I mean, who can say?
行吧。
Okay.
行吧。
Okay.
我们都站在凉亭的长凳上，看着书页被火苗点燃。
We all stand up on the benches in this gazebo, flames to the pages.
我敢肯定你这辈子肯定烧过纸吧。
I'm sure you've burnt paper in your life.
所以你也懂，书页刚点着就烧起来，而且熄灭得特别快。
So you know, there's a quick ignition of the pages and then burns out super quickly.
最后基本上就只剩下书页的灰烬往下落。
And it's mostly just like the littering down of the book pages.
灰烬全落在你身上了。
Ash all over you.
没错。
Exactly.
我们浑身都是灰，但天呐，那感觉太棒了。
We're getting covered in ash, but man, felt good.
对。
Yeah.
好刺激啊。
Exciting.
我们当时就在那个凉亭里。
We're in the gazebo.
我还站在木长椅上，手里拿着打火机凑在书页旁。
I am still standing on the wooden bench with my lighter up to the book pages.
然后我听到身后有人问：‘你在干什么？’
And I hear someone behind me say, what are you doing?
于是我转过身，就看到身后那个人被宿舍楼的工业灯光打了个逆光。
And so I turn around and the person behind me is backlit by like the industrial lighting of the dorm building.
所以那只是一个人的轮廓。
So it's just an outline of a person.
我手中的打火机还举着，回答说：我在烧这些书。
And with my lighter still up, I say, I'm lighting these books on fire.
这还用说。
Duh.
很明显，这问题真是蠢透了。
Obviously, like, what a stupid question.
于是那个人回应说：女士，请把打火机放下，离开凉亭。
So the person responds, ma'am, the lighter down and step out of the gazebo.
哦，这听起来像是执法人员。
Oh, that sounds like a law enforcement.
那确实是一位执法人员。
It is a law enforcement officer.
就在这时，我学到了三件非常重要的事。
And this is where I learned three very important things.
就在我们烧这些书的时候，广场对面有个大一新生在放烟花。
At the same time that we were lighting these books on fire, there was a freshman across the quad that was lighting fireworks off.
所以校警本来是过去处理那事的，结果反倒撞见了我这个场面。
So campus police came down to handle that and they stumbled upon this scene instead.
我还了解到，过去几个月里，这个我几乎从没去过的宿舍楼里出现了一个连环纵火犯。
I also learned that there has been for the last several months in this dorm building where I spend no time a serial arsonist.
我的天呐。
Goodness.
好的。
Okay.
哇哦。
Wow.
他们一直在追捕这个人。
That they have been trying to capture.
后来我才知道，这个连环纵火犯不仅在大楼里点着了好几个垃圾桶，还点着卫生纸卷，把它们从走廊上滚下去。
And I learned later that this serial arsonist has been lighting trash cans on fire inside of the building, has been lighting rolls of toilet paper on fire and rolling them down hallways.
所以有一个纵火犯在逃。
So there's a serial arsonist at large.
而这位校园警察认为他已经抓到了那个纵火犯，而那个纵火犯就是我。
And this campus police officer thinks that he has captured that arsonist and that that arsonist is me.
事后回想起来，我确实在这座木结构建筑里放了引火物。
And with the benefit of hindsight, I mean, it looks like I have put kindling inside of this wooden structure.
不。
No.
你这话说得真是双关，人赃并获。
You wanna talk about pun intended caught red handed.
我的天啊。
I mean, my goodness.
当然了，你就是那个纵火犯。
Of course, you're the arsonist.
于是我坦白了。
Then I admitted it freely.
我把书放在了这个凉亭里。
I have put books in this gazebo.
我正在周围点火。
I'm lighting in a circle.
到目前为止，我的所有朋友都跑掉了。
All of my friends at this point have ran.
所以看起来只有我一个人，因为当他到达时，我正背对着他。
So it looks like it is just me because I had my back to him as he arrived.
于是他给我戴上了手铐。
And so he puts me in cuffs.
我被塞进了车后座。
I end up in the back of the car.
我的朋友们都跑光了，肾上腺素开始飙升，我意识到我身上什么都没有，而且也不知道任何能在这片区域帮到我的人的电话号码。
My friends have all run and my adrenaline is kicking in and I'm realizing that not only do I have nothing on me, but I don't know any phone numbers of anyone that can help me in this area.
我整个家族，我认识的每一个人都在八小时之外。
My entire family, every one member I know is eight hours away.
而现在，距离我大学毕业的前一晚，时间迅速接近凌晨两点。
And now we're quickly approaching 2AM the night before I'm supposed to graduate from college.
天哪。
Oh my goodness.
我向警察说明了情况，他同意去我朋友的宿舍帮我拿手机。
I tell the cop what's going on and he agrees to go get my phone out of my friend's dorm room.
于是他把我的手机带给了我。
And so he brings my phone to me.
去警察局。
Get down to the police station.
我被录了口供。
I'm booked.
这时我要告诉你们，我被指控犯有扰乱公共秩序的轻罪，保释金是50美元，实际上他们收的只是登记费。
Tell me at this point that I was booked with a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct and that my bail was $50 It's just the booking fee apparently that they were charging me.
我给朋友打了电话，告诉他这件事，他说没问题。
I called my friend and tell him, and he says, no problem.
我一小时内就赶过去。
I'll be down there within the hour.
于是他们把我关进了临时拘留室。
So they get me in a holding cell.
后来有人进来告诉我，他们和相关的负责人谈过了，我不确定那是学校还是消防部门的人，但他们修改了对我的指控。
Someone comes back in and says that they have spoken with whatever representative, whether it was the school or the fire department, I'm unsure, but they have changed the charge.
他们把罪名升级成了价值超过2.5美元的财物损毁罪和纵火罪，这两项都是重罪指控。
They have upped it to destruction of property over $2.50 and arson, both of which are felony charges.
哦，不会吧。
Oh, no.
别这样啊。
No.
是啊，太糟了。
No.
害，这情况完全不一样了，我根本付不起这笔保释金。
Well, this is just a horse of a different color, and there's no way I can afford this bail.
然后他们告诉我保释金是250美元。
And they tell me bail is $250.
这个价格还是合理的。
Still reasonable.
不算太贵。
Not terrible.
所以我说，我朋友会带50美元过来。
So I say, well, my friend's bringing 50.
我能给他回个电话吗？
Can I call him back?
于是他们又把我的手机拿给我了——我之前一直以为不能用自己的手机来着，不过我又给我的朋友打了过去，把发生的事都告诉了他。
And so they bring me my phone again, which I also did not think you can use your own phone, but I call my friend again and I tell him what's happened.
我跟他说，我早上要参加提审。
And I say, I have an arraignment in the morning.
我在这儿熬一晚就行。
I can just say the night here.
没事的。
It is fine.
250美元可不是个小数目。
$250 is a lot.
我没办法马上把钱还你。
I cannot pay you back immediately.
然后他顿了顿，问道：那里面吓人吗？
And he just pauses and says, well, is it scary?
是啊。
Sure.
是啊。
Sure.
是啊。
Sure.
是啊。
Sure.
你现在过得还顺心吗？
Are you enjoying yourself?
我不会推荐这种处境，但它至少不是监狱。
I wouldn't recommend it, but it's not prison.
然后他最后还是过来了。
And so he ends up coming down.
他真的来把我保释出去了。
He does come bail me out.
那时候，我得在四小时后赶到新英格兰一座不能公开的城市参加提审。
At this point, I need to be in an arraignment in four hours at an undisclosed city in New England.
而我的家人正准备从另一个相距八百公里、同样不能公开的城市开车过来，参加我的大学毕业典礼。
And my family is preparing to get in their car at another undisclosed city eight hours away and drive to me for my college graduation.
我的奶奶特意从美国西南部飞了过来。
My grandmother has flown in from the Southwest.
我是她第一个从大学毕业的孙辈。
I am her first grandchild to graduate from college.
我最好的朋友也和我的家人一起赶过来参加这场毕业典礼。
My best friend is riding up with my family for this.
我打算自己扛下这件事，撑过这个周末，别搞砸毕业典礼，之后再把事情告诉他们。
I plan to just handle it, get through the weekend, not ruin graduation, and then tell them later.
对。
Right.
然后我去参加提审，很快就意识到这件事没法轻易应付过去，因为法官问我是要法院指派的律师还是私人聘请的律师。
And I go in for the arraignment and I quickly realized I'm not going to be able to handle this easily because the judge asked me if I want a court appointed attorney or a private attorney.
我当时脑子一片空白，就说：那个，我之后再回复你可以吗？
And I just blank and I say, well, can I let you know?
我完全不知道该怎么办才好。
I have no idea what to do.
情况很快就明摆着了，我根本应付不来这种局面。
It's quickly becoming obvious that I am not equipped for this situation.
这事比你现在想的还要严重。
It's more serious than you're thinking at this point.
没错。
Yes.
我很快就彻底明白，这事根本不是凌晨两点时看上去的那个样子，要严重得多。
It's quickly becoming very obvious that it's more than it seemed like at 2AM.
于是我离开法院后，意识到得打电话找人帮忙，可我认识的人里没有一个是读法律预科的。
And so I leave the courthouse and I realized I need to call someone, but I don't know anyone that's pre law.
我连一个律师都不认识。
I don't know any lawyers.
所以我开始想，我认识的人里谁最聪明，说不定能帮上忙。
So I think who's the smartest person I know that could like maybe help.
我给正在读医学院的表哥打了电话，他的专业其实和这件事完全不搭边，但他倒是把我该听的话原原本本说了出来——他问我为什么要打电话找他。
I called my cousin who's in med school, which does not translate to the situation, but he does tell me exactly what I need to hear, which is why did you call me?
我得给我爸打电话。
Need to call your dad.
于是我给我爸打了电话，把事情的来龙去脉都告诉了他。
So I called my dad and told him what happened.
长这么大，我从来没听过他笑到那么疯的程度。
And I have never heard him laugh harder in my entire life.
你以前根本不是个会惹是生非的人。
You weren't a troublemaker.
合着这肯定不是他第八十次接到这种闯祸的电话了对吧。
I'm assuming this is not like the eightieth call he's received.
这可是头一回。
The first one.
对。
Yeah.
好，那挺好。
Okay, great.
你可太逗了，我都笑了。
You earned a laughing.
我其实也不清楚他当时笑是因为不信我说的话吗？毕竟整件事太离谱，也完全不像我会做出来的事。
I don't really know if he was laughing because he didn't believe me because it was just so absurd and out of character.
你当时是不是已经知道他们正试图把你和这个连环纵火案的凶手扯上关系了？
Did you know already that they were trying to link you to this serial arsonist?
那时候你就知道这件事了，还是之后才得知的？
Was that known to you at this time or did that come out later?
我其实隐约有点头绪，因为逮捕我的警官提过这事儿。
I had a little bit of an idea about it because the arresting officer made a mention of it.
那你跟你爸爸说的时候，是不是能讲清楚：‘爸，他们觉得我是那个纵火犯，但这事儿真的和我没关系，就这一次误会’？
So when you told your dad, you were able to say, hey, they think I'm this arsonist, but this was a one off.
我当时只是在点火烧几本书而已。
I was just lighting some books on fire.
对。
Yeah.
整件事简直是错漏百出的闹剧。
It was just a comedy of errors.
那天的局势完全对我不利。
The simulation was not in my favor that day.
是的。
Yeah.
有时候事情不会如我们所愿。
Sometimes it doesn't go our way.
这是个严重的错误。
It's a bad sin.
是的。
Yeah.
我的意思是，那件事确实是我错了，但我有点察觉，因为逮捕我的警官提到了这件事。
I mean, it was definitely in the wrong on that, but I had a little bit of an inkling because the arresting officer made a comment about it.
所以他暗示我，这起系列纵火案一直在发生。
So he kind of clued me in that there was a series of arsons that had been happening.
我的回应是，我在校园里扑灭的火比点的还多，这是事实。
And my response to that was I have put out more fires on this campus than I have started, which is true.
这所大学真是疯狂。
This is a wild college.
这学校规模不大，但乱象挺多的。
It's tiny, but it's wild.
对。
Yeah.
好多纵火狂。
A lot of pyros.
我只是众多纵火者里的一个，甚至都不算闹得最凶的那个
I'm only one of many and not even the biggest
对。
Yeah.
没错。
Yeah.
所以他们把这事算进来了，那些相关的情况都传到我这儿来了。
So they've included in, they're on their way to me.
我才回到校园里。
I get back to campus.
我回到学校后就去了学生处处长办公室，在那里我得知了纵火案的全部细节。
I'm in the dean of students office where I then get filled in completely on the arson situation.
我已经完全让学生处处长相信，我不是那个纵火犯。
And I have completely convinced the dean of students that I am not this arsonist.
这只是另一起毫无关联的纵火案。
It is just a different unconnected arson.
当时的火情甚至都没波及那座凉亭。
The flames weren't even sending the gazebo.
那个地方到处都没有任何标识。
There was no marking anywhere.
我爸第二天回去想拍照，可她却要把我停学一学期，还扣着我的毕业证不给发。
My dad went back the next day to take pictures, but she'd suspends me for a semester and she withholds my diploma.
她还不让我参加第二天的毕业典礼，因为她要明确表态学校不会姑息纵火行为，这点我其实没法指责她。
And she doesn't wanna let me walk at graduation the next day because she wants to send a message that they don't take kindly to arson, which I cannot fault her for that message.
但我现在不仅要面对学业停学、没法参加毕业典礼的窘境，还要扛着两项重罪指控。
But I'm also dealing with two felony charges on top of now this academic suspension and potential to not walk.
所以我苦苦哀求她，说我奶奶刚从美国西南部飞过来。
So I beg her, like my grandmother just flew in from the Southwest.
她现在正开车赶过来找我。
She is actively driving to me right now.
她还从来没亲眼见过自己的孙辈毕业呢。
She hasn't seen any grandchildren graduate yet.
哪怕就给我一张空白纸让我走个过场也行啊。
Like, give me an empty piece of paper.
我不在乎别的，但求求您让我顺利毕业吧。
I do not care, but please let me graduate.
她同意了这个请求。
And she agrees to that.
哦。
Oh.
她还是给我做了停学处分。
She still suspends me.
毕业证还是被扣着了，但她同意我参加毕业典礼上台走台了。
The diploma is still withheld, but she lets me walk.
可我家里人都觉得这件事好笑到不行。
But my family thought it was the funniest thing ever.
我奶奶那整个周末都在饭馆里盯着，生怕我碰倒蜡烛闯祸。
My grandmother, the entire weekend was like moving candles away from me at restaurants.
对啊。
Yeah.
这就是一辈子都做乖乖女的下场啊。
This is the product of being a really good girl your whole life.
大家居然都还能拿这事开玩笑。
Is everyone can have a good sense of humor about it.
他们说不定还挺开心你总算闯了点小祸呢。
They're probably happy you got into trouble a little bit.
哎，这都成了他们最爱讲的一桩趣事了。
Well, is their favorite story to tell.
说这件事的时候我其实有点紧张，因为讲这个故事的从来都不是我本人。
I actually was a little bit nervous about telling it just because I never am the one that tells it.
都是他们在旁人嘴里提起我的这件事。
They are telling it about me.
对啊。
Sure.
跟大家更新一下这些指控的情况，最后他们居然直接把纵火的指控完全撤销了。
Just as an update for the charges, they actually ended up dropping the arson charge altogether.
他们把破坏财物的涉案金额改到了2.5美元以下，这样就只构成轻罪了。
They changed the destruction of property charge to under $2.50, which is a misdemeanor.
我不得不去参加法庭指定的心理治疗。
I had to go to court appointed therapy.
他们其实还推荐过‘纵火者互戒会’，但那个项目一般是给儿童参加的。
They had actually recommended fire starters anonymous, but that is typically for children.
哦，真的假的？
Oh, is it really?
这还真是个事儿。
That's a thing.
是的。
Yeah.
这跟我当时的情况不太相符。
Not a great fit for what happened with me.
通常来说，如果你要去参加这个项目，那你已经放火很久了。
Typically, if you are going to that program, you've been starting fires for quite a long time.
但治疗师也觉得这非常好笑。
But the therapist also thought this was very funny.
当我告诉她整个故事时，她笑了出来。
She laughed at me when I told her the whole story.
不过，我要说，它让我对一件事有了全新的认识：一件看似愚蠢或荒唐的事情，竟能如此迅速地毁掉你的一生。
However, I will say it gave me a very new perspective on how quickly something that felt very stupid or silly could derail your entire life.
我非常感激事情最终对我如此有利，因为对别人、或者在我处境不同、或有人持不同看法的情况下，结果本可能截然不同。
A lot of gratitude for the fact that it did turn out so well for me because it could have been very different for someone else in a different situation or even me if someone had had a different opinion.
我们采访了一个孩子，他为了搞笑打开了一个消防栓，结果把他家上方整个社区都淹了。
We interviewed a kid that, like, I wanna say he opened up a fire hydrant to be funny, and it washed out an entire neighborhood above his house.
你还记得在犹他州发生的那件事吗？
Remember that in Utah?
我记得那件事。
I remember that.
是的。
Yeah.
东西都被冲走了。
Things came off.
不过还挺天真的。
Kinda innocent though.
天啊。
Oh my god.
我看到的是数百万美元的损失。
I'm looking at millions of dollars of damage.
我去，这也太离谱了。
Oh, fuck.
你们当时是不是得找律师来处理这些事啊？
Did you have to get a lawyer to plead all that out?
最后是给你们派了公设辩护人吗？
Did you end up getting a public appointed attorney?
是这样的，当时法官问我想要法院指派的律师还是自己找私人律师，我刚说我稍后再答复他，法官就直接给我派了一个公设律师，还说要是我不满意这个律师，后续可以直接解雇他自己处理。
So the judge, when I said, can I let you know when he asked if I wanted a court appointed attorney or a private attorney, just gave me a court appointed attorney and was like, you can deal with it if you don't want him, just fire him later?
我爸在来接我的路上，坐在车里花了八个小时查资料，然后说这个律师其实挺靠谱的。
And my dad did eight hours of research in the car on the way to me and was like, this guy's actually good.
他做的是无偿法律援助的工作。
He's doing pro bono work.
我们就决定跟着他代理了。
We're going to stick with him.
而且他后来确实做得非常好。
And he was great.
之后的六个月里我都没再触犯法律，这个记录就从我的档案里消除了。
So after six months of no issues with the law, it was expunged from my record.
所以从法律层面来讲，一切都没问题了，但这个故事还没到结束的时候。
So in terms of like the law, everything is copacetic, but that is not where the story ends.
好的。
Okay.
结果五年后，我当时有个朋友，她那时候是一家餐厅的经理。
So five years later, my friend, she was at the time a manager of a restaurant.
他们雇了一个新员工，那人在我毕业之后才去的我读的那所大学。
They hired a new employee who had gone to my college after my tenure.
所以她说，巧了，我最好的朋友也去过那所学校。
And so she said, of course, oh, my best friend went there.
我那个朋友因为放火烧凉亭被抓了，这事说起来——
She got arrested for burning a gazebo down, which
这也太夸张了吧。
Is an exaggeration.
但确实是这样。
But yeah.
对。
Yeah.
没错。
Exactly.
然后那个新员工说，哦，他们后来真的把那些凉亭都换成金属的了。
And that new employee said, oh, they actually replaced all those gazebos with metal gazebos.
哦，因为这话是在鼓动学生们把凉亭烧掉呢。
Oh, because this was calling to the students to burn it down.
学校可不能让这种事重演第二次。
They couldn't have a round two.
他们还说，我们当时都没抓到纵火犯，所以……
They're like, we never caught the arsonist, so
我们得想办法……
we need to make
确保这个不会被烧毁。
sure this can't get burned down.
但在那之后过了几年，我申请了研究生院。
But then several years after that, I applied to grad school.
在申请流程里，校方会问你有没有被停学过，或是学业上有没有出现过任何过失记录。
And in that application process, they ask if you've been suspended or had like an academic blip on your radar.
所以我只能勾选“是”。
And so I had to click yes.
我附上了一份文件，里面大致说明了我提交给「沙发匿名」节目时发给艾玛的全部内容。
And I attached a document explaining basically what I sent to Emma when I submitted to Armchair Anonymous.
事情的经过就是这样。
Like, this is what happened.
结果几周后，我真的接到了招生顾问的电话。
And I actually got a call from the admissions counselor a couple weeks later.
他说：「我正在看你这份申请，注意到你提交的材料里写了自己曾被学校停学，但我在你的成绩单上完全没找到任何相关记录。」
And he's like, I'm looking at this application here and I see that you submitted that you were suspended from school, but I'm not seeing anywhere on your transcript that that's reflected.
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我说，那是结束了吗？
And I said, was it the end?
这并不明显。
It's not super obvious.
没有任何空档。
There's no gap.
这是最后发生的事。
It's the last thing that happened.
我说，你看过附件的文件了吗？
I said, did you read the attached document?
他说，哦，没有，我根本没看到。
And he said, oh, no, I didn't even see that.
让我现在去看看。
Let me go look at it now.
哦，哦，哦。
Oh, oh, oh.
所以我和他打电话的时候，他就打开了那份文件。
So he opens it while I'm on the phone with him.
然后我就有幸实时听到他看到我申请图书馆学硕士的材料时，对我那个‘因焚书被捕’的解释做出的反应。
Then I get the privilege of listening to him live react to the explanation of my arrest for burning books while he reads my application for a master's in library science.
图书馆学啊。
Library science.
这就是萨米那事儿。
That's Sammy.
那就是山姆。
That's Sam.
所以把他也加入那一大串笑出声的人的名单里吧。
And so add him to the long list of people that was laughing.
那后来你拿到图书馆学硕士学位了吗？
And then so did you get your masters in library science?
是的。
Yes.
我担任青少年服务馆员已经有五年了。
I've been a youth services librarian for about five years.
我们从未采访过图书馆。
We've never interviewed a library.
没有。
No.
你应该加一个馆员，来个扶手椅匿名者的提示。
You should add a librarian, Armchair Anonymous prompt.
我们有一些疯狂的故事。
We've got some crazy stories.
因为人们把它们当作公共休息场所。
Because people use them as like a public resting house.
是的。
Yeah.
你见过什么奇怪的事情吗？
You see some wild stuff?
大家把我们称作‘美国的客厅’。
They call us the America's living room.
也就是说，我们是最后一个能让你免费待着、也没人要求你必须消费的地方了。
Like, we're the last free place you can be without the expectation of buying something.
对。
Yeah.
就像伊丽莎白·斯马特那事一样。
Like the Elizabeth Smart thing.
那件事就是在图书馆发生的。
That was at the library.
不过你在那儿也能遇到很多暖心的故事。
You get a lot of heartwarming stories there too.
对。
Sure.
这主意太棒了。
That's a great idea.
你有没有抓到过情侣？
Have you ever caught any lovers?
我以前工作的那家图书馆有一张长椅，我们叫它‘接吻长椅’，因为就在拐角处。
We had a bench at a library I used to work at that we called the Make Out Bench because it was like just around the corner.
是的。
Yeah.
所以我们得去赶走一堆青少年。
So we'd have to just break up like a bunch of teens.
好的。
Okay.
有些亲密举动，但不算太过分。
Some heavy petting, but nothing too extreme.
这集是《老友记》。
That's an episode of Friends.
所有这些人都在罗斯的书前面接吻。
All these people were making out in front of Ross's book.
哦，这挺有意思的。
Oh, that's sweet.
但他可不喜欢这样。
But he didn't like it.
他希望大家能注意到那本书。
He wanted people to see the book.
哦，原来是这样。
Oh, okay.
对。
Yeah.
没错，那部剧里真的什么桥段都有。
Well, they covered everything in that show.
确实是
They were
真的会发生这种事。
really doing that.
我现在才真正意识到这一点。
I've really come to realize.
好的。
Okay.
那个，布鲁克，很高兴认识你。
Well, Brooke, so nice meeting you.
而且这真的是一个很暖心的故事。
And then it's such a sweet story.
至于那些被逮捕、差点没法毕业的人来说，这事已经是能有的最温和的情况了。
As far as people getting arrested and almost not graduating, it's about as sweet as it can come.
要我说，如果不是我的家人这么靠谱给力，这事根本不可能这么顺当。
I mean, it would not have been as sweet if my family was not as fantastic as they are.
我奶奶定下了家里的基调。
My grandma set the tone.
她当时就说，这事以后想起来肯定会很有意思。
She was just like, this is going to be funny.
奶奶做得真好。
Good for her.
很开心能认识你。
Well, it's so nice meeting you.
对，我也很开心认识你们。
Yeah, you guys too.
非常谢谢你们。
Thanks so much.
好的。
Okay.
保重。
Take care.
嗨。
Hi.
你好。
Hello.
你是劳伦吗？
Is this Lauren?
是的。
Yeah.
很高兴见到你们所有人。
So nice to meet y'all.
对。
Yeah.
首先，我想说，我们知道照片即将发布，这非常令人兴奋。
Nice First to meet of all, I just wanna say we know there are photos coming, which is very exciting.
我们还不能翻看它们，但只要有照片，我们就都很期待。
We don't get to flip them over yet, but anytime there's photos, we're excited.
那你现在住在南方，还是原本就来自南方？
And then are you in the South or just from the South?
我实际上来自德克萨斯州的达拉斯，但目前住在南卡罗来纳州的格林维尔。
I'm actually from Dallas, Texas, but I am currently living in Greenville, South Carolina.
不错。
Nice.
离你挺近的，莫妮卡。
Kinda close to you, Monica.
对。
Yeah.
不远。
Not far.
那你喜欢南卡罗来纳州的格林维尔吗？
And are you loving Greenville, South Carolina?
你为什么搬去那儿呀？
Why'd you move there?
是为了爱人吗？
For a lover?
我丈夫是这里本地人
My husband is from here.
那些南卡罗来纳的绅士们，真的很有魅力。
Those South Carolina gentlemen, they can be real charming.
他们说话带着浓浓的糖浆口音。
They got a real molasses y accent.
这叫什么名字？
What is it called?
骑士精神。
Chivalrous.
他会在街角跟人决斗吗？
Does he ever duel men on the corner?
他还没这么做过，但我的意思是，总会有机会的。
He hasn't yet, but I mean, there's always time.
好的。
Okay.
太好了。
Great.
那你可藏着一个意想不到的好故事啊。
So you've got a wildcard story.
确实是。
I do.
可惜这个故事不是发生在南方。
It doesn't take place in the South, unfortunately.
它发生在华盛顿哥伦比亚特区，那是我大学毕业后待的地方。
It takes place in Washington DC, which is where I was after college.
那是我读研究生的地方。
It's where I was postgrad.
所以早在2021年的时候，我刚搬到那儿。
So back in 2021, I had just moved there.
那时候我还年轻。
I was young.
那是我第一次独自一个人生活，这一点和我们要说的这件事也有关系。
I was living my life on my own for the first time, which also plays into the story.
我刚搬过去，有个朋友要来探望我。
I had just moved out there, and I had a friend that was gonna come visit me.
我们出去了。
We went out.
我们吃了晚饭，然后去跳舞，感觉很棒，一直玩到很晚。
We got dinner, and then, you know, we went dancing, and it was great, and we stayed at plate.
那真的特别有趣。
It was really fun.
第二天早上我醒来，对艾莉森说：我感觉不太舒服。
So then the next morning I woke up and I'm like, Allison, I am not feeling well.
一周前我的脚后跟就起了个水泡，不是因为高跟鞋，而是因为运动鞋。
So I had gotten a blister on the back of my foot a week earlier from tennis shoes, not even from heels.
我觉得那个水泡有点奇怪。
And I was like, my blister kind of feels weird.
她就说：这真有意思。
And she's like, that's so funny.
我说，行吧。
I was like, okay.
但我还是得带你体验一下华盛顿的风光。
But I'm here to show you the DC experience.
所以我们就去逛了所有的纪念碑。
So we go do all the monuments.
你当时在水泡上贴创可贴了吗？
Do you put a Band Aid over the blister?
你当时有穿两双袜子吗？
Do you wear two pairs of socks?
那你长水泡的时候是怎么走路的？
How are you addressing walking around with the blister?
我当时穿的是靴子，因为那时候已经是11月了，这点我之前忘了提。
I had actually worn boots because it was also November, which I had forgotten to mention.
然后我的脚有点肿了，连靴子都穿不进去了。
And my foot had actually swollen a little bit, and so it wouldn't fit into my boots.
所以我当时只能回家换上我的柏金款袜子。
And so I had to go and change into my Birkin socks back at home.
就是后跟露空的那种袜子对吧。
That are open in the back.
对的。
Yes.
后来我就靠这双鞋在华盛顿特区逛，现在回想起来，那段路的里程都超过13英里了，差不多是整整半程马拉松的距离。
And so I walked around DC probably I think it was a whole half marathon over 13 miles at that point.
感觉不太舒服，但你懂的，事已至此也只能接受了。
Not feeling great, but, you know, it is what it is.
哦。
Oh.
哎呀，不会吧。
Oh, no.
是啊。
Yeah.
那天晚上我们去吃晚饭。
So we go to dinner that night.
我感觉真的不太好。
I'm really not feeling great.
她就说，好吧。
She's like, okay.
我们明天早上带你去急诊，给你开点抗生素。
We'll take you to an urgent care tomorrow morning, and we'll get you some antibiotics.
我说，太好了。
And I'm like, great.
第二天早上，我醒来，我们去了，医生给我看了病。
So the next morning, wake up, we go, and the doctor sees me.
他说，你有点感染。
He's like, you've got a little bit of an infection.
我们给你开点口服抗生素。
Let's get you some oral antibiotics.
他看了脚后跟吗？
He looks at the heel?
是的。
Yes.
到了这个时候，脚后跟有点发红。
And at this point, it's like a little red.
为了替他辩护，也为了替所有人辩护，这一点我要说清楚。
It's not too bad in his defense, in everyone's defense.
我想明确说明这一点。
I wanna make that very clear.
那感觉怎么样？
What did it feel like?
和普通水泡疼的感觉有什么不同吗？
Did it feel different than just like when you have a normal blister and it hurts a lot?
感觉有什么不一样吗？
Did it feel like different?
是的。
Yes.
感觉不一样，而且还发烫。
It felt different and it also felt hot.
我想带我的朋友好好玩一趟。
I wanna treat my friend to a good time.
所以之后我们就继续咱们的游客行程了。
So then we continue on with our touristy.
我们当时四处逛着。
We walking around.
那段时光特别美好。
It's great time.
周日下午我送她离开了。
I send her on her way Sunday afternoon.
转天早上，我得步行去上班，因为我在华盛顿特区没有车。
Next morning, I have to walk to work because I don't have a car in DC.
大部分人都没有车。
Most people don't have cars.
而且走路去上班那次可太难受了。
And walking to work, that was a tough one.
那个部位肿得很厉害。
It was pretty swollen.
我穿了穆勒鞋，这样就能把脚塞进去，但那时候已经是十一月了，我都快冻僵了。
I had the mules where I could slide my foot into it, but also it's November, so I'm freezing.
我到了公司之后，就跟同事们说，大伙看看我这个水泡。
I get to work and I'm like, guys, look at this blister.
太离谱了。
It's crazy.
然后他们就说，对，这看起来真的特别严重。
And they're like, yeah, this looks really, really bad.
你可能得去看看医生。
You should probably go to the doctor.
然后我说，不用啦。
And I'm like, no.
我已经去过医院了。
I've already been.
我现在正在吃口服抗生素。
I'm on oral antibiotics.
没事的。
It's fine.
然后我的一位年纪稍长的同事看了一眼那个水泡，就对我说，如果你现在不马上去看医生，我可要真生气了。
And this older coworker of mine takes one look at it, she's like, if you don't go to the doctor right now, like, I'm gonna be really mad.
我当时还说，可是我不想花钱去急诊啊，你们忘了吗，我没车，而且那时候我根本赚不到钱。
I was like, but I don't wanna pay to go to the emergency room because remember, I don't have a car and I was making no money.
我连叫优步的钱都不想花。
I didn't wanna pay for an Uber.
然后她就说，如果你现在还不走，我就直接叫救护车来，到时候救护车的费用你也得自己掏。
And she's like, If you don't go right now, I'm gonna call an ambulance and make you pay for the ambulance.
哦，天呐。
Oh, wow.
然后我就想，那我可不想付救护车的钱。
And I like, Well, I don't wanna pay for an ambulance.
那行吧。
So fine.
她这态度真的很强硬
She's really laying down
所以你就害怕了。
the She got scared.
现在回头想想，我真的特别感激她。
And looking back, I really am appreciative.
然后我就去了，我不知道你们有没有去过华盛顿特区的急诊候诊区。
So I go, and I don't know if you guys have ever been to a emergency room waiting room in Washington DC.
没有。
No.
但我们见过类似混乱糟糕的等候场景。
But we watch the pits.
所以我觉得，我大概能想象那是什么样的。
So I guess I'm I have some sense of what it probably is like.
所以那情况和我见过的很像。
So it's very similar.
一片混乱，什么样的伤势都能见到。
The chaos, seeing every single type of injury.
我亲眼见到了刺伤的伤口。
I saw stab wounds.
我还目睹了好几起未经授权的疏散事件。
I saw multiple unauthorized evacuations.
哦，哇。
Oh, wow.
要知道，我当时22岁，从南方来到华盛顿生活。
Keep in mind, I'm 22 from the South in DC.
这对我来说太多了。
Like, this is a lot for me.
我觉得这其实没什么大不了的。
I'm thinking that this is not that big of a deal.
我第二天本来要去第一次约会，还在给那个男生发消息，说嘿。
I'm actually supposed to go on a first date the next day, and I'm texting this guy like, hey.
我现在在急诊室，但其实这没什么大不了的。
I'm in the ER right now, but, like, this is not a big deal.
他问我：你需要我过来吗？
And he's like, do you need me to come?
问题是，我告诉护士这疼痛程度大概是二级或三级。
And the problem was that I told the nurse that this was, like, a level two or three on the pain scale.
这意味着那些刺伤患者会比我先被处理，公平地说，这也没错。
That meant that the stab wounds were gonna get seen before me, which to be fair, that makes sense.
于是我等了十三个小时，他们还是没来叫我。
So I go on thirteen hours and they're still not seeing me.
哦。
Oh.
我大概两点到的，快到凌晨三点了。
I got there at probably two and like 3AM comes around.
我还是没人理，我要回家了。
I'm I'm still not getting seen by anyone, so I'm gonna go home.
是的。
Yeah.
就像这个
Like, this
太疯狂了。
is crazy.
到这时，红色已经扩散了。
At this point, the red has spread.
红色已经蔓延到腿上，超过了膝盖。
The red has gone up my leg past my knee.
天啊，该死。
Oh my Oh, fuck.
此时腿部已经严重发炎。
Leg is quite inflamed at this point.
哦。
Oh.
我想我得去弄些更强效的抗生素了。
I'm like, I think I need to go get some stronger antibiotics.
我又回到同一家急诊诊所，他说你需要去看足病医生。
And I go back to the same urgent care guy, and he's like, you need to go to a podiatrist.
这情况很糟糕。
This is bad.
于是我打车回到足病医生那里。
So I Uber back to the podiatrist.
到目前为止，我已经花了好多钱在优步上。
I've spent so much money on Ubers at this point.
我一分钱都没赚到，所以这对我来说真的非常重要。
I'm making no money, so this is really a big deal for me.
于是我回到足病医生那里，她看了一眼我的腿。
So I go back to the podiatrist, and she takes one look at my leg.
她说，如果你现在不去急诊室，这条腿就保不住了。
She's like, if you don't go to the emergency room right now, you're going to lose this leg.
哦。
Oh.
天哪。
Oh my god.
请记住，这起因于一个水泡。
Keep in mind, this is from a blister.
是的。
Yeah.
我觉得这太疯狂了。
I'm like, this is crazy.
我刚刚就在那儿。
I was just there.
我等了十三个小时，他们都没理我。
It was thirteen hours, and they didn't see me.
于是她说，好吧。
And so she's saying, okay.
我会给他们打个电话，确保他们见你，但这是没得商量的。
I'll give them a call and make sure that they see you, but there is no if, ands, or buts.
你必须去急诊室。
You've gotta go to the emergency room.
幸运的是，华盛顿特区整个区域都是医疗区，所以我只需过条街就到了。
Luckily, it's a whole medical district in DC, so I just walk across the street.
真是谢天谢地。
Thank goodness.
因为我到了那儿，他们还是没理我。
Because I get there and they still don't see me.
所以又多花了好几个小时。
So it takes a couple of more hours.
到这个时候，我在急诊室又已经等了五个小时了。
So I'm on hour five at this point waiting for the emergency room again.
我的身体开始不由自主地发抖。
My body starts to, like, shake.
那是败血症啊。
It is sepsis.
情况就跟刚才说的一模一样。
It was exactly that.
于是我忍无可忍，走到护士面前。
So shutting down, I go up to the nurse.
我就跟她说，您好。
I'm like, hey.
请问您能不能帮我测一下体温？
Would it be possible for you to take my temperature?
我觉得有点不对劲。
I think something's wrong.
我可能发烧了。
I might have a fever.
于是她给我量了体温。
And so she takes it.
她说体温是103度。
She's so it's one zero three.
你现在疼痛等级是多少？
What's your pain scale right now?
我说，可能有八分或九分吧。
And I'm like, it might be at an eight or a nine.
她问：你以前有过十分的疼痛吗？
She's like, have you ever been at a 10?
我说：没有。
I'm like, no.
我应该没有经历过。
I don't think so.
因为我的人生里从来没发生过什么糟心事。
Because nothing bad has ever happened in my life.
比如，我从来没受过严重的伤。
Like, I've never gotten a bad injury.
难怪你对整件事都这么乐观。
This is why you're so optimistic about this whole thing.
没错。
Exactly.
她就说，那我觉得这就是你的10级痛感了。
She's like, so I think that this is your 10.
我真的觉得你得了败血症，你的身体正在衰竭。
I do believe that you have sepsis, and your body is shutting down.
她说，我们现在就得给你办理住院，因为要是不这么做的话，会出大事的。
She's like, we're gonna admit you right now because if we don't, something bad is going to happen.
我后来才知道，那个糟糕的事情其实就是死亡。
I find out later that bad thing is in fact death.
我是说，我当时本会死掉，因为细菌已经进入我的血液了。
Like, I would have died because it was in my bloodstream at that
那一刻。
point.
他们
They
他们给我用了吗啡，这时我才真正意识到情况有多严重，因为吗啡根本没止住我的颤抖。
put me on morphine, and this is when I really find out that it's bad because the morphine didn't stop my shaking.
于是他们最终给我用了静脉抗生素，但说来好笑，我的身体对这种抗生素过敏。
So they finally get me on IV antibiotics, and my body, funnily enough, is allergic to this antibiotic.
不会吧。
No.
这集是《豪斯医生》吗？
This is an episode of house?
真的。
Truly.
所以我得了这个病。
So I get this thing.
它叫红人综合征。
It's called red man syndrome.
我想他们现在已经改名了，因为你知道，这名字不好。
I think they've renamed it now because of, you know, it's bad.
它已经超过了膝盖。
It's past my knee.
我的腿是红色的，我的身体也变得和它一样红。
My leg is red, and my body's now matched that redness.
他们说，好吧。
And they're like, okay.
所以我们现在必须把这种抗生素排出去，因为显然你的身体对它产生了过敏反应，而他们现在非常紧张，因为已经过去这么久了。
So now we have to flush this antibiotic because obviously your body is having an allergic reaction to this, which they get really freaked out about because so much time has passed now.
都过去十三个小时、五个小时，都一整晚了，这药已经完全进入我的血液里了。
Like the thirteen hours, the five hours, the overnight, it's completely in my bloodstream.
所以基本上他们这时候给我换了另一种抗生素用。
And so basically they get me back on a different antibiotic at this point.
还好发现得还算及时，感染还没蔓延到我的骨头里。
Apparently, was just in time where it didn't go into my bone.
不然他们就得给我削骨头了，天呐。
They were gonna have to chip away my bone Oh.
因为他们本来以为那时候情况已经发展到那个地步了。
Because they thought that it was in that.
不过幸运的是，他们在那之前及时发现了问题。
But luckily, they caught it right before that.
所以到那个时候，他们才终于松口说，行吧。
And so they finally, at that point, are like, okay.
我们安排你住院治疗。
We'll admit you into the hospital.
我当时就说，好的。
I'm like, okay.
那医院能对我做什么呢？
Well, what's the hospital gonna do for me?
他们就说，我们得先等感染的病菌在你的血液里发展到凝结成一个小块，这样才能把它切除。
And they're like, well, we have to let the infection get through your bloodstream enough to where it can basically, like, coagulate into, like, a little ball to where they can carve it out.
原来是这样。
Yeah.
这也太离谱可怕了。
This is so gnarly.
我的天呐。
Oh my god.
这
This
就得放那些照片了。
is where the pictures come in.
所以要是你们想看的话
So if you wanna see
那些照片
the picture
我有点害怕。
I'm scared.
我好怕啊。
I'm so scared.
我好害怕。
I'm very scared.
我的天
Oh my
所以整个过程是循序渐进的。
So there's like a little progression.
我的天哪。
Oh my god.
这看起来你背后挂了个茄子一样的东西啊，这个
It looks like you have an eggplant hanging off the back of your This
这根本不是暴风雪。
is not a blizzard.
我不知道该怎么
I don't know how
形容这件事。
to describe this.
哦，对。
Oh, yeah.
哦。
Oh.
对。
Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
他们切开引流了吗？
Did they lance it?
他在医院住了五天。
It took five days in the hospital.
基本上，他们只能让感染发展到那个程度，然后才把它挖出来。
Basically, they just had to let the infection get through to that point, and then they just carved it out.
就像，他们把它挖了出来。
Like, they scooped it out.
手术只花了三十分钟。
The surgery only took thirty minutes.
我管它叫我的外星人。
I called it my alien.
就像，它看起来像我脚后跟上趴着一个小外星人。
Like, it looked like a little alien on the back of my foot.
是的。
Yeah.
我希望听众们能看见这张照片。
I wish that the listeners could see the photo.
太恶心了。
It's foul.
它是蓝色的。
It's blue.
它是红色的。
It's red.
比你脑子里想的还要糟糕得多。
Way worse than you're thinking in your head.
是的。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
那个东西……那个东西藏得特别靠里。
It's It's way back.
它看起来就像一个挂在里面的、有剧毒的牛油果，
It looks like a really poisonous avocado hanging in
靠后面的位置。
the back.
哇哦。
Woo.
哇哦。
Wow.
你的跟腱没事吧？
Any damage to your Achilles?
你的跟腱就在那个位置。
Your Achilles is right there.
对不对？
Right?
没受伤。
No damage.
心态还是挺乐观的。
Still positive.
心态还是挺乐观的。
Still positive.
不是的。
No.
真的没开玩笑。
Seriously.
说真的，那真的是不幸中的万幸了。
Like, it really was the best case scenario.
然后我还想说，那段经历里，我和护士们都处成了很好的朋友。
And so well, the other thing that I was gonna say is that during that whole experience, I mean, I became really good friends with the nurses.
我住在内科病房，却是整个病房里身体最健康的人。
I'm on this internal unit, and I'm the healthiest person there.
是的。
Yes.
我差点就死了。
I was close to death.
但我跟所有护士都成了朋友，我记得其中一个问我：‘你有没有想念什么？’
But, like, I became friends with all the nurses, and I remember one of them said, oh, like, are you missing anything?
我当时想，嗯，那个约会确实有点难办，但你知道，也不会有什么结果，也许我们只是改期吧。
And I was like, well, you know, that date, kinda tough, but, you know, not like anything's ever gonna come from it or maybe we'll just reschedule it.
后来我们确实改期了，一年后我们最终订婚了。
Did end up rescheduling it, and then we did end up a year later getting engaged.
这位是来自南卡罗来纳州的南方绅士吗？
And this is the southern gentleman from South Carolina?
这位就是来自南卡罗来纳州的南方绅士。
This is the southern gentleman from South Carolina.
哦。
Oh.
我
I
第一天他就主动提出要来医院的时候，我就知道他这个人靠谱，
knew he was a good one when he offered to come to the hospital that first day,
而且他
and he
那时候我们甚至都还没正式约过会呢。
hadn't even gone on a date yet.
他当时去医院探望过你吗？
Did he come see you in the hospital?
没有。
No.
没有。
No.
而且那样反而更好。
And that was for the best.
哦，是的。
Oh, yeah.
我本来想说，如果他出现了，而你脚踝上还挂着那个东西，那他可就甩不掉你了。
I was gonna say if he showed up and you had that thing hanging off your ankle, he's still stuck with you.
我觉得这几乎是你能遇到的最好的迹象了。
I would say that's just about as good of a sign as you're gonna get.
哇。
Wow.
他后来还问我想看照片，我当时就想，我不知道这对我们关系的开始是不是好事。
He did ask to see pictures later, and I was like, I don't know if that's good for our beginning of our relationship.
我希望你的访客朋友感到很内疚。
I hope your visiting friend felt very guilty.
但这不是她的错。
Well, it's not her fault.
对。
No.
挺有意思的。
It's funny.
我给她发消息说我要参加这个活动，还跟她说，嘿。
I texted her that I was coming on this, and I was like, hey.
我能用一下你的名字吗？
Is it okay if I use your name?
她就说，不行。
She's like, no.
大家都得听听这个故事
People need to hear the story.
这简直就像新孢霉素的广告一样
This is like an ad for Neosporin.
对
Yeah.
还挺有警示意义的
Cautionary.
确实很有警示意义。
It is cautionary.
所以你得
So you gotta
把这些伤口清理干净。
clean these wounds.
真的需要吗？
You do?
我觉得这就像是专门针对我的，我就是那种人，不到最后一刻都不把任何事情当真。
I feel like it was directed at me in particular, which is like, I do not take anything serious until it's real late.
我也是这样。
Me neither.
所以我要告诫你的是，有时候事情真的就像人们警告的那样糟糕
So this is my cautionary tale to you that sometimes things are as bad as people warn them to
的。
be.
是的。
Yeah.
有时候那些杞人忧天的人是对的。
Sometimes the worrywarts are correct.
没错。
That's right.
大多数时候我们都是对的。
Most of the time we are.
你那个同事
That person you work with
救了你的命。
Saved your life.
是的。
Yeah.
她救了你的命。
She saved your life.
我知道。
I know.
得好好谢谢娜塔莉。
Shout out Natalie.
啊，那个
Well, that
其实是劳伦。
was Lauren.
那场面太惨烈了，但我当时看得很起劲。
It was gruesome, and I loved it.
对。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
谢
Thank
很高兴能认识大家。
It was so nice meeting you guys.
谢谢你们抽出时间来，也跟我的丈夫威尔打个招呼。
Thank you for taking the time and shout out to my husband, Will.
威尔，最近咋样？
Will, what up?
好小伙。
Good lad.
能坚持到最后太厉害了。
Way to hang in there.
没错。
Yes.
好的。
Alright.
好的。
Alright.
非常感谢大家。
Thank you all so much.
拜拜。
Bye bye.
嗨。
Hi.
那个
So
你想让大家怎么称呼你？
what name do you want to go by?
你可以给我起个名字。
You can give me a name.
那我就叫你莎拉吧。
I'm gonna go Sarah.
我喜欢这个名字。
I like that.
听起来不错。
Sounds great.
我认识很多叫萨拉的人，都挺不错的。
I know a lot of good Sarah's.
萨拉这个名字确实挺靠谱的。
Sarah's a pretty solid name.
说真的，取名字这事说不定还真有门道呢。
I mean, there's gotta be a science to it really.
就好比能吸引特定类型家长的名字，都会是那类家长青睐的名字。
Like the kind of name that appeals to parents are gonna be certain kinds of parents.
比如说，如果你给儿子取名叫Jagged，那你就属于那类有特定风格的家长。
Like, if you name your son Jagged, you're a type.
我们已经帮你选好名字了。
We've already selected you.
没错。
That's right.
但萨拉这个名字就给人感觉，会叫萨拉的人肯定都爱笑。
But Sarah's like, I think you love Sarah's smile.
哦。
Oh.
你懂的，就像喜欢轻摇滚的那种人一样。
You know, you like some soft rock.
这可是经典款的名字。
It's just classic.
你可以让这个人配得上这个名字。
You can let the person become the name.
对。
Yeah.
叫萨拉就完全没问题
Sarah way around
萨拉·劳伦斯。
Sarah Lawrence.
对。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
好的。
Okay.
萨拉，你能告诉我们你现在的情况吗？
Sarah, can you tell us where you're at?
是的。
Yes.
我现在在匹兹堡。
I'm in Pittsburgh.
哦。
Oh.
太棒了。
Wonderful.
说到那个坑。
Talking about the pit.
哦，是的。
Oh, yes.
太棒了。
It's so good.
我非常喜欢。
I love it.
太热了。
It's so hot.
你去过那家医院吗？
Have you ever been in that hospital?
我不确定那是不是一家虚构的医院，但我去过这座城市那个区域，所以认出了很多外景镜头。
I don't know if it's a fictional hospital, but I've been in that area of the city, so I recognize a lot of the exterior shots.
所以非常真实。
So it's pretty authentic.
给那些从没去过匹兹堡的人提一句，那儿拥有好几座全美最漂亮的大桥。
And for the folks who've not visited Pittsburgh, some of the most beautiful bridges in the country.
对，没错。
That's right.
而且如果你有机会去那儿的话，一定要去看一场棒球赛。
And if you ever have a chance to come, go to a baseball game.
那座体育场是全世界最漂亮的体育场之一。
It's one of the most beautiful stadiums.
你站在那儿能直接俯瞰河景，所有桥梁都一览无余。
You get to look right over the river, see all the bridges.
如果球被击得足够远，就会掉进水里。
If the ball gets hit far enough, it goes into the water.
那儿真的很美。
It's really beautiful.
那还挺有意思的。
That's fun.
好的。
Okay.
所以你有一个随机故事。
So you have a wildcard story.
这可以是任何事情。
This could be absolutely anything.
这个故事发生在去年。
This story took place last year.
我和我丈夫一年多前结婚的。
My husband and I got married just over a year ago.
恭喜。
Congratulations.
这发生在我们结婚大约三个月后，那时你们还处于新婚的甜蜜阶段。
This occurred about three months into our marriage when you were still, like, very much in that newly wed phase.
你们结婚前交往了多久？
How long had you dated before you wed?
大概一年半。
Maybe a year and a half.
好的。
Okay.
挺快的。
Pretty quick.
进展得很快。
Pretty accelerated.
我们都年纪大一点，所以很清楚彼此很合适，而且我们相爱了，就决定结婚了。
We're both a little bit older, and so we just kind of knew it was a great fit, and we were in love, and let's do it.
我喜欢这个故事。
I love it.
我们结婚时，我搬进了他的联排别墅，那栋别墅有三层，你知道的，挺窄的。
When we got married, I moved into his townhouse and his townhouse is three floors, you know, kind of narrow.
我丈夫是个很棒的人。
And my husband is a wonderful guy.
他是一名特殊教育老师。
He's a special education teacher.
他非常幽默、善良且有耐心。
He's very funny and sweet and patient.
他还有点技术控。
And he's also kind of like a techie.
他喜欢各种小工具。
He loves gadgets.
所以只要有什么单用途的厨房用品，他都会买下来。
So if there's like a single use kitchen item that he can purchase, he will purchase it.
他家里有四个Alexa设备。
And he had four different Alexas Oh, that's through the house.
Alexa有个广播功能。
The Alexas have an announcement feature.
所以我经常会用它来喊，我在厨房。
So I would use it for something like, I'm in the kitchen.
他在顶楼。
He's on the Top Floor.
我会说，嘿，Alexa，做个公告。
I'd say, you know, hey, Alexa, make an announcement.
晚餐准备好了。
Dinner is ready.
然后就会叮叮响。
And then it would go ding ding.
晚餐准备好了。
Dinner is ready.
就像一个广播系统一样工作。
And works as like a PA system.
是的。
Yes.
这就是我使用广播系统的方式。
So that's how I used the PA system.
我丈夫从我们婚姻一开始，就用它的方式和我完全不同。
My husband used it a very different way from the beginning of our marriage.
我在家工作。
I work from home.
如果他回家后想做亲密的事，就会用广播系统让全屋都知道。
And if he came home and was ready for sexy times, he would use the PA to make that known throughout the home.
好的。
Okay.
他会做个宣告。
He'd make a proclamation.
是的。
Yeah.
就像调情一样。
Like flirting.
所以在这特定的一天，我正在家工作。
And so on this particular day, I'm working from home.
我听到门关上的声音，然后听到‘叮叮’的响声。
I hear the door closed, and I hear like the ding ding.
他立刻就开始了。
And he immediately is going into it.
我想说，那段时间里，他连续说了大约十五分钟的各种通知，因为你知道，他刚进门。
And I would like to say that there were a range of announcements for maybe, like, fifteen minutes because, you know, he's coming in.
他在做三明治。
He's making a sandwich.
他在脱工作服，诸如此类的事情，而我还在办公室里工作。
He's taking his work clothes off, you know, all this stuff, and I'm still in my office working.
那些话更像是一些露骨的调情。
They were a range of more of like this dirty talk.
我不擅长说露骨的话。
I am not good at dirty talk.
明白吗？
Okay?
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