妈妈的车：埃里克·理查森

这确实很难回答。

It's a tough one to answer.

而且如果回答了，最好私下进行。

And if answered, best to do privately.

是啊。没错。每个人脑子里都有个答案，但这就是为什么在晚宴上问这个问题很有趣。

Yeah. Right. Everybody has one in their head, but that's why it's fun to ask at a dinner party.

嗯，你问了这个问题，结果导致那对夫妻真的吵起来了。对吧？你有点后悔了吧？

Well, you asked it and it caused an actual fight between the man and wife. Right? You regretted that a little bit?

是啊。我妻子不太高兴。

Yeah. My wife wasn't too happy.

好吧。这个挺有意思的。我觉得好玩的是这个

Okay. This one's fun. What I perceive as fun. This

这个确实是个好话题。

one's a good time.

关于食人行为的同意问题。一个男人自愿让他的身体部位——他的脚——被截肢，然后由一个愿意的参与者吃掉。双方都同意，除了他们约定的内容外没有人受到伤害。这在道德上是错误的吗？

Cannibalism consent. A man volunteers to have a part of his body, his foot, amputated and then eaten by a willing participant. Both parties consent, and no one is harmed beyond what they agreed to. Is this morally wrong?

你们还记得十五年前互联网还半新不旧的时候吗？有个女人，她的幻想是被一个男人强奸并杀害，然后那个男人在六个州之外，他们通过沟通达成了这个协议，然后他就在去实施的路上。不知怎么的，他被逮捕了。哦，哇。但人们都在想，那里的规则是什么？

Do you guys remember that fifteen years ago when the Internet was still semi new where this woman, her fantasy was to be raped and killed by a man, and then the man, six states over, they were communicating and they worked out this agreement, and then he was en route to do it. Somehow, he got arrested. Oh, wow. But people were like, what's the rules there?

因为有同意。

Because there was consent.

那个人想被谋杀。

The person wants to be murdered.

强奸和谋杀？

Rapes and murdered?

是的。我觉得你不能既强奸又谋杀一个人。不行。

Yeah. I don't think you can rape and murder somebody. No.

我的意思是，是的。是的。即使有同意也不行。

I mean Yeah. Yeah. Even with consent.

是的。那不属于协助自杀的范畴。对吧。

Yeah. That doesn't fall into the assisted suicide. Right.

我的意思是，界限在哪里

I mean, what's the line

在加利福尼亚，协助自杀仍然算谋杀，对吧？

Assisted suicide is still murder, right, in California?

还是吗？我知道俄勒冈州不是。大家在这方面都在放宽法律。

Is it still? I know Oregon, it's not. Everyone's been loosening their laws on that.

为什么那个人想让别人吃他的脚？就因为这个？

Why did the person want their foot eaten? Just because?

就因为这个。他

Just because. He

喜欢有人

likes the idea of someone

吃的这个想法。一个人想吃脚，另一个人想砍下自己的脚让他吃。而且，它没说吃的人的性别，

eating a like the idea. One guy wants to eat a foot, and the other guy wants to chop his foot off and let the guy eat it. Also, it doesn't say the gender of the eater,

但我们都很相似。

but we are all similar.

当然，我们是。对吧？因为

Of course, we are. Right? Because

男人都有病。

men are sick.

是啊。我们确实有点不对劲。

Yeah. There's something really wrong with us.

没错。我立刻想到了

Yeah. I pictured

两个男人。对。两个恶心的男人。

two men right away. Yeah. Two disgusting men.

一个以被吃脚为乐的人

One who gets off on having his foot eaten

还有那个

and the

另一个人

other guy

想到要吃别人的脚真是他妈

The thought of eating someone's foot is fucking

那全是骨头。

It's just all bone.

太疯狂了。

It's insane.

是啊。你他妈没法选

Yeah. You couldn't pick a fucking

如果那个问题是说，比如，切掉你一块屁股肉。那还行。但脚的话。

If that question said, like, slice off a piece of your ass cheek. Yeah. A foot, though.

骨瘦如柴的脚。

Bony foot.

天啊。还有一只男人的脚？哦，耶稣基督。

Oh god. And a man's foot? Oh, Jesus Christ.

男人的黄色脚丫。是的。长满老茧、恶心的脚趾甲。还有点烧烤酱。你肯定得用烟熏才能得到那块肉。放上些嫩化的小肉块。

A man's yellow Yeah. Calloused, gross toenails. Little barbecue sauce. Smoke you'd have to smoke it for sure to get that meat. Put little meats on there tenderized.

请继续收听更多关于妈妈的车的内容。有些人就是知道，通过先查看Allstate（好事达）可以节省数百美元的汽车保险费用。这让我想起所有那些先查看就能获得回报的时刻，比如那次我在计划后院烧烤前没查看天气。新手错误。或者当你要开始公路旅行时，知道先检查轮胎气压。

Stay tuned for more mom's car. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. It You reminds me of all those times when checking first really pays off, like that time I didn't check the weather before planning a backyard barbecue. Rookie mistake. Or how about when you're about to head out on a road trip and you know to check your tire pressure first.

正是这些先查看的小时刻，让我们避免了后来的大麻烦。我的意思是，想想看，你在餐厅坐下前总会检查是否带了钱包，对吧？或者在关前门之前确保带了钥匙。这些都是我们都会做的明智之举。先查看是明智的，所以先查看Allstate获取报价，可能为您节省数百美元。

It's those little check first moments that save us from bigger headaches later. I mean think about it, you always check if you have your wallet before sitting down at a restaurant, right? Or make sure you've got your keys before closing the front door. These are just smart moves we all make. Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds.

您在Allstate的庇护下很安全。节省金额因条款、条件和可用性而异。Allstate North American Insurance Co及其附属公司，伊利诺伊州诺斯布鲁克。通过Uber Eats获取您需要的几乎所有东西。我们说的“几乎”是什么意思？

You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Co and affiliates Northbrook, Illinois. Get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost?

嗯，您不能收到一个修剪整齐的草坪，但您可以收到帕尔马干酪鸡肉。湖边的一天？那不行。费城芝士牛排？那可以。

Well, you can't get a well groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken Parmesan delivered. A day at the lake? That's a no. A Philly cheesesteak? That's a yes.

下午散步？抱歉，不行。墨西哥卷饼碗？ happily 可以。

An afternoon stroll? Sorry. No. A burrito bowl? Happily yes.

来一天阳光明媚怎么样？没戏。一盒精美巧克力？这个可以有。配送已在路上。

What about a day of sunshine? Not happening. A box of fine chocolates? Yes, that's happening. Delivery on its way.

好吧。那晴朗天空呢？也不行。那么来点薯条怎么样？这个行。

Okay. How about some clear skies? Nope. Well, then how about some French fries? Yep.

短暂逃离现实？不行。一碗美味的葡萄？可以。完全可以。

A little escape? No. A delicious bowl of grapes? Yes. Yes.

那个。刚修剪好的草坪呢？这个帮不了你，但烧烤大虾，下单就能送到。用 Uber Eats 几乎什么都能送。立即下单吧。

That. How about a freshly cut lawn? Can't help you there, but barbecued prawns, order it, and it's on its way. Get almost almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now.

产品供应情况可能因地区而异。详情请见应用程序。

Product availability may vary by region. See app for details.

这让我想到另一个类似的道德问题：比尔·盖茨能不能办个游戏节目，给同意的人2000万美元让他们砍掉自己的手，他们的人生会因此彻底改变。这节目应该会挺好看的。

That makes me think of, like, another sort of similar moral question is could Bill Gates have a game show where he gave people, like, $20,000,000 to cut off their hand and everybody was consenting and their whole life was changed from cutting off the hand. It would make a good show.

我不知道算不算好节目，但人们肯定会看。是的。它会成为热门节目，但我不确定是否

I don't know about a good show, but people would watch the Yeah. It make a hit show, but I don't know if

这很好，这违法吗？没有别人在砍手。是那个拿钱的人自己砍自己的手，他只是为此得到报酬。

it's good is that illegal? Nobody else is cutting off the hand. The guy who's getting paid is cutting off his own hand, and he's just getting paid for that.

我很想看那个节目。

I would love to watch that show.

嗯，这里有两个问题，对吧？我想一个是法律问题：你能以合法的方式安排这件事吗？还有一个道德问题。

Well, there's two questions. Right? There's I guess there's a legal question. Could you structure that arrangement in a way that's legal? There's a moral question.

我会说在道德上，因为你有能力制造这种困境，就希望看到某人砍掉自己的手或脚并受苦，这是错误的。渴望这种事情让我觉得在道德上令人作呕，不是吗？

I'd say morally, it's wrong to want to see someone cut off their hand or foot and suffer because you have the means to make that attempting situation. That feels morally repugnant to me to desire that, no?

确实如此，但我确信如果有钱可赚，会有节目制作人做这个节目。而且艾伦说了，人们会看的。

It does, but I'm sure there's some showrunner who would make the show if they can make money. And Aaron said, people would watch it.

所以当我们一起做车辆准备工作时，我们干了十四年，我说的是成千上万辆汽车。比如在朗格利兹秀的每个车展上，我们会运大约120辆车到威斯康星州。然后我们每晚要准备所有120辆车，每天早上还要给所有120辆车擦干，连续十二天左右。所以光那一周，就要准备大约1300辆车。哇。

So when we prepped cars together, which we did for fourteen years, and I'm talking thousands and thousands and thousands of cars. Like on every car show for the Longleads show, we would ship like a 120 cars to Wisconsin. And we would prep all 120 every night and we would towel off all 120 every morning for like twelve days straight. So just even in that week, would prep 1,300 cars or so. Wow.

一天十六个小时，你他妈的在准备车辆。我们都是青少年或二十出头。无聊得要命，我们就没完没了地玩这种情景游戏。其中一个游戏是：给你多少钱，你才愿意全力打你妈妈的脸？对。

Sixteen hours a day, you're fucking prepping cars. And we're all teenagers or young twenties. And you're bored out of your mind and we just play endless scenario games like this. And one was how much to punch your mom in the face Right. As hard as you could.

是的。好的。好的。

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

而且大部分都是我们共事过的男生。是的。你知道，我们正在看每个人的回答。我表弟真的很抠门。我当时就想，哦。

And it's mostly all guys that we worked with. Yeah. You know, we're going through everyone's answer. My cousin was really cheap. I was like, oh.

我觉得这有点说明了你对你妈妈的感觉。

It was a little bit telling, I think, of how you felt about your your mom.

之后你可以和你妈妈分这笔钱。

You could share the money with your mom after.

嗯，好吧。所以一开始，我说我

Well, okay. So initially, I had said I

这个愿望是你们当时没钱的时候。我们是职业的。

This want is when you guys didn't have money We were pro.

是的。是的。我们当时每周工作一百个小时才挣1000美元

Yeah. Yeah. We were working like a hundred hours a week to make $1,000

一周。对。对。对。对。

a week. Right. Right. Right. Right.

最初的时候，我就觉得，不管给我多少钱，我都不能尽全力打我妈的脸。即使我想这么做，我也做不到。

And initially, was like, I couldn't punch my mom in the face as hard as I could for any amount of money. I just couldn't do it even if I wanted to.

她会因为这个生你的气。

She would be mad at you because of that.

后来我意识到，如果我在某个时候告诉我妈，嘿，你会为我骄傲的。我拒绝了1000万美元，就为了不打你脸。她可能会说，靠，我宁愿挨那一拳

That's what I figured out later is like at some point if I told my mom, hey, you're gonna be proud of me. I turned down $10,000,000 to punch you in the face. She might go, well, fuck. I would way rather get punched in the face

我正在拼命工作。

I'm working my ass off.

而不是为了赚那么多钱再工作二十年，她可能会生我的气。是的。所以这就变成了另一个层面。就像，他们知道你为什么这么做吗？他们参与其中了吗？

Than work for the next twenty years to make that amount of money, she might be mad at me. Yeah. So then it became another layer. Was like, do they know why you're doing it? Are they in on it?

是的。比如，这会改变吗？为了那个秘密？

Yeah. Like, does that change? For the secret?

至少全程经历了被殴打，然后被送往医院。

At least all the way through the punching and then the ride to the hospital.

这是个秘密。

It's a secret.

这是个秘密。然后

It's a secret. And then

然后

And then

我们等她醒来再通知。是的。是的。是的。是的。

we news when she wakes up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

是的。为了粉碎枪支。是的。是的。

Yeah. For shattered guns. Yeah. Yeah.

去吃他的屁股？你懂吗？是的。是的。是的。

To eat his ass? You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

是的。我要问问我的孩子们。对。对。比如亲他一下要多少钱。

Yeah. I'm gonna ask my kids. Yeah. Yeah. Like how much to kiss him.

是的。和他亲热。然后

Yeah. Make out with him. And

你会发现一些非常有趣的事情。比如直男可能更愿意给他口交而不是和他亲热。对吧？一些反直觉的事情会突然冒出来。

you just discover really funny things. Like straight guys might prefer to blow him than to make out with him. Alright? Like some counterintuitive Right. Things would pop up.

谁，你爸爸？

Who, your dad?

哦，不是。但他们总是不能。是的。是的。是的。

Oh, no. But that They always can't. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

对。对。对。的

Right. Right. Right. Of

当然。不是。只是我们共事过的一个卫生习惯很差的家伙。

course. No. Just this guy we worked with who had bad hygiene.

哦，明白了。哦，我懂了。

Oh, got it. Oh, I see.

比我们老多了。

Way older than us.

哦，是的。再见，兄弟。

Oh, yes. See you, brother.

好的。嗯。让他肛交要多少钱。

Okay. Yeah. How much to get butt fucked by him.

多少钱

How much

肛交他？给他口交要多少钱？和他亲热要多少钱？有时候你会想，等等。和他亲热的费用居然比肛交他还贵？

to butt fuck him? How much to blow him? How much to make out with him? And sometimes you're like, wait a minute. It costs you way more to make out with him than to butt fuck him?

是啊。是啊。是啊。这太奇怪了。让我们想想这个。

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's weird. Let's think about that.

好吧，那我先来说说这个脚的事情。对我来说这并不难接受。我觉得没问题。我也一样。

Okay. So I'll go first with this foot thing. This isn't very hard for me. This is fine. Same.

比如，我不在乎是否有人想切掉自己的脚，然后另一个人想吃掉它。

Like, don't care if someone wants to cut their foot off and then another guy wants to eat it.

但如果那个人是为了钱才让人切掉他的脚，你就不认可了吗？

But you wouldn't be okay with that if the guy was getting paid to get his foot cut off?

因为我认为这是在剥削处于弱势的人。任何时候你用金钱去利用那些非常绝望的人，在道德上都是错误的。在这个故事里没有所谓被剥夺权利的人。假设那是个富裕的人，他切掉脚也赚不到任何钱。

Because I think you're exploiting someone in a vulnerable situation. I think anytime you're leveraging money over someone who's very desperate, morally that's wrong. There's no like disenfranchised person in the story. Say it's a well-to-do man. He's not gonna make any money off of getting his foot cut off.

他只是喜欢有人吃他脚的想法。

He just likes the thought of somebody eating.

他非常喜欢这个主意。然后另一个人想吃掉这只脚。他在经济上也没有任何困难。

He loves that idea. And then the guy wants to eat the foot. He's not financially compromised at all either.

是的。我想这在道德上是没问题的。

Yeah. I guess it's morally okay.

因为如果你拿比尔·盖茨的例子来说，这是一个很容易说服自己的论点，因为你说的是2000万美元，那确实能彻底改变人生。

Because if you take your thing about Bill Gates, it's an easy argument for you to persuade yourself because you're saying $20,000,000 and that's very life changing.

对吧？没错。

Right? Right.

但把这个例子放到YouTube上真实发生的情况，就像是给两个流浪汉20美元让他们互相打架受伤。这既残忍又可恶。是的。而且不管哪个混蛋给了他们20美元，都是个人渣。

But then take that to what was happening in real life on YouTube, which is like offering two bums $20 to fight each other and get hurt. It's gruesome and terrible. Yeah. And whatever asshole gave them $20 is a piece of shit.

我想我当时是从合法性的角度看的，而且觉得它可能成为一档成功的节目。但从道德上来说，

I guess I was seeing it from the legality of it and the fact that it could be a successful show. But morally,

那样做是不对的。

they would be bad.

成功的节目。

Successful show.

首要的一点。

First and foremost.

我是说你应该当个电视高管。那应该是你的第三职业。

I mean You should be a TV executive. That should be your third career.

另一个我会问刚生完宝宝的父母的问题，这是个非黑即白的问题，有些父母会说，哦，当然愿意。有些人则会说，你怎么会问这种问题？是啊。但当他们抱着新生儿时，我会问：你们愿意为了1000万美元现在就切掉他们的小脚趾吗？就用些产钳或刀子自己动手切掉？

Another question I'll ask parents who have a newly born baby, it's a black and white question where some parents say, Oh, absolutely. And some are like, Why would you even ask that question? Yeah. But with the new baby in their arms, I ask, Would you cut off their little toe for $10,000,000 right now? Would you just take it off with some pronatures or a knife, and you have to do it yourself?

哦。大多数人会为了1000万美元这么做。真的吗？我觉得60%的人会为了1000万美元这么做，然后40%的人认为这是个非常非常可怕的问题。

Oh. Most people will do it for $10,000,000. Really? I would say 60% of the people will do it for $10,000,000, and then 40% of the people think it's a horrible, horrible question.

我绝对会说不，但想想我可能在我人生的某个阶段会说是的。

I would absolutely say no, but think I would have said yes What if we're not some point in my life.

也许1亿美元是个更好的问题，更好的数字，因为那样他们就一辈子无忧了。不需要再担心钱的问题。嗯，你得

Maybe a 100,000,000 is a better question, a better number because then they're set forever. They don't need to worry about money. Well, you have

问问自己，当这孩子18岁时我告诉他们，嘿，猜怎么着？我曾经有机会切掉你的小脚趾，这样你现在就能有1亿美元了。你难道不庆幸我没切掉你的小脚趾吗？如果他们反问，你为什么要那样做？我猜这就是你想要设想的场景。

to ask yourself when this kid turns 18 and I tell them, hey, guess what? I had an opportunity to cut off your pinky toe and you'd have a $100,000,000 right now. Aren't you glad I didn't cut off your pinky toe? If they go, why would you do that? I guess that's what you're trying to imagine.

对。他们会感激你为他们做了那个决定。但如果他们是马克·扎克伯格呢？他坐在那里心想，天啊，我他妈的父母切掉了我的脚趾。我现在有1800亿美元，根本不需要那笔钱。

Right. That they would be grateful you made that decision for them. But what if they were Mark Zuckerberg and he's sitting around and he's like, oh my god, my fucking parents cut my toe off. I have a $180,000,000,000. I didn't even need that money.

我能自己赚钱，他们却觉得我会是个失败者。他们切掉了我的脚趾。

I could make my own money, and they thought I was gonna be such a loser. They cut my toe off.

当你被切掉一个脚趾时，你会适应，但你会他妈的好多事都做不了。是啊。我是说，这真是个他妈难回答的问题。没错。

When you have a toe cut off, you're gonna adapt, but you're gonna not be able to fucking do things. Yeah. I mean, that's a tough fucking question. Yeah.

我在想，失去一根小拇指会不会比这更好

I mean I wonder if you'd be better off losing a pinky than

好吧。你可以选。我愿意为了1亿美元不要一个脚趾。

a Okay. You could pick. I would love to not have a toe for a $100,000,000.

会很乐意去拿到那笔钱。或者就现在，你现在愿意卖一个脚趾换多少钱？

Be delighted to go get that. Or even right now, what would you sell a toe for right now?

哦，我会卖一个脚趾，我是说，上个月市场行情糟透了。

Oh, I'd sell a toe I mean, the market's been horrible the last month.

非常不稳定。我们不知道发生了什么，关于这些

Very unstable. We don't know what's happening with the With these

关税什么的，为了1000万我宁愿切掉我的小脚趾。

tariffs and stuff, I would cut off my little tow for 10,000,000.

好吧。

Okay.

给我一百万我就切。

I'd cut mine off for a million.

我可能500万就行。我觉得你其实并不需要小脚趾。

I'd probably go for 5. I don't think you really need a little bit.

老实说，我已经没兴趣再玩这个游戏了。不，我是说，太夸张了。是的，你现在肯定恨我。

And I admittedly have no fun to play this game with anymore. No, I mean, huge. Yeah, you hate me now.

是啊。嗯，我不恨你，但这确实

Yeah. Well, I don't hate you, but it does

我理解你的沮丧。但对我来说，这更像是一种情感成长。就像，嗯，我需要多少钱？为什么我不愿意为了更多钱去做任何我不想做的事？

I understand your frustration. But for me, it's like an emotional growth thing. It's like, well, how much money do I need? Why would I not do anything I don't wanna do for more money?

我认为关于婴儿的情况也可以这样理解：我们都知道有些人很有钱却不快乐。所以给孩子一亿美元可能反而会让他们痛苦

I think where you can also get with the baby one is that we all know people who have a lot of money and they're unhappy. So you may well be making your kid miserable by giving them a $100,000,000

或者五千万美元，随便多少

or 50,000,000 or whatever it is.

因为你几乎不能让他们在成长过程中知道自己有一亿美元，否则他们就不会努力做任何事。他们人生大部分时间可能只会纠结为什么少了个脚趾。你大概得说这是先天缺陷。他们会说：这缺陷也太整齐了吧，都能看出原来脚趾的位置。然后等到某个年龄，你宣布：好消息

Because you almost can't have them growing up knowing they have a $100,000,000 or they won't try to do anything. For much of their life, they would just wanna know why they don't have a toe. And you'd probably have to say you have a birth defect. And they're like, that's a very clean birth defect. You can see where the toe used And to then at some age, you go, good news.

你有一百万美元。然后慢慢分批给，不断给他们惊喜。等到三十岁时，他们实际会有一千万美元

You have a million dollars. And then just keep doling it out. Keep surprising them. And then on their thirtieth where they actually have $10,000,000.

是啊，我猜你得等他们年纪大些再给大部分钱。但他们可能会对你分配方式不满。万一你动刀切脚趾造成的创伤——万一他们因此吸毒成瘾，然后你自我安慰说这都是因为

Yeah. You have to give them most of it later in life, I guess. But then they might be mad the way that you decided to split it up. What if the trauma of you cutting the toe off with a knife or whatever, what if they become a drug addict and then you convince yourself that it was because of the trauma that

那段创伤经历。是啊，你就是那个没脚趾的孩子。大家都知道你没脚趾

they had. Yeah, you're the kid without a toe. Like, knows you don't have a toe.

但你的潜意识可能还记得被切掉脚趾时的恐慌

But you subconsciously might remember the panic of having your toe cut off.

其实我要收回那句话。现在给我一百万我也不愿失去我的脚趾。最近我生活中最大的乐趣就是打匹克球。对吧，我可不想失去这个。

And actually, I take that back. I would not take a million for my toe right now. My one big pleasure in life is playing pickleball lately. Right. I don't want get that.

对吧？嗯，我肯定能学会，但是

Right? Well, I'm sure I could learn, but

我是说，如果没有一点

I mean, without a little

几乎算是脚趾了。我现在得适应没有脚趾的生活。是啊。我觉得我现在还能运动真是个奇迹。

toe almost. I gotta adapt to not having a toe now. Yeah. I think it's miracle that I'm actually exercising.

是啊。

Yeah.

也许切掉第四根脚趾比小脚趾对平衡更好，对吧？

You might be better off with your fourth toe cut off, right, instead of your pinky toe for balance.

这就是金钱的可悲之处——我们从小都疯狂渴望金钱，但可悲的是很多人处于愿意出卖自己双腿的境地。然后你会想，有了钱我就会快乐。但最终意识到：不，不，唯一让你快乐的是打匹克球。拥有多少钱其实并不重要。

That is the sad part about money and we all grew up fucking craving money like crazy is I think a lot of people sadly are in a position that they would sell their legs. Then you think, oh, I'm gonna have money and I'll be happy. But then you realize like, oh, no, no. The only thing that makes you happy is playing pickleball. Doesn't really matter how much money you have.

没错。这仍然是你唯一能获得乐趣的活动，而你却为了钱放弃了它。

Right. Still the only activity that gives you any joy and you got rid of it for money.

是啊。我在想，为了十亿美元，我是否愿意让自己余生都尝不到任何味道？

Yeah. I was thinking for a billion dollars, would I make it so I just didn't taste anything for the rest of my life?

哦。然后举杯庆祝

Oh. And then a toast

太多了。不行。

so much. No.

看起来我会愿意，但转念一想，那样你就不会有任何

It seems like I would, but then I'm like, well, then you wouldn't Buy have any

为那笔钱举杯？是啊。用别人的腿。

a toast for that money? Yeah. Someone else's legs.

是啊。故事还在继续。

Yeah. Story keeps going.

唯一能买到的款式，就像是亚洲小个子女人的腿型。而且每次度假时你都得解释一遍。但你说得对。有钱去度假又有什么意义呢？咱俩度假时唯一做的事就是讨论午餐吃什么。

Some of the only ones that are available is, like, a small Asian woman's legs. And you gotta explain that every time you're on vacation. But you're right. What's the point of having money if you go on vacation? The only thing you and I do on vacation is talk about what we're gonna have for lunch.

是啊。还要喝健怡可乐，因为味道好。哦，没错。

Yeah. And drink Diet Coke because it tastes good. Oh, yeah.

你能不能别管我喝的是不是健怡可乐？你现在整天都喝百事轻怡。是啊。就像我说要健怡可乐，对方却说我们只有百事轻怡。

Could you not give me no fuck that it was Diet Coke? You just start drinking Diet Pepsi all the time. Yeah. It's like, I'll have Diet Coke. Oh, we only have Diet Pepsi.

我无所谓。如果连喝哪种都不在乎，我简直不想活了。我们来读听众来信吧。

It doesn't matter to me. I don't even wanna be alive if I don't care which one I'm getting. Let's do a reader one.

好的。我今天早上都等不及要告诉达克斯了。

Okay. I couldn't even wait to tell Dax this morning.

我满脑子都在想这件事。

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

这是一位叫贾利斯的听众来信。嗨，达克斯和亚伦。作为母亲我遇到过很多搞笑难题，其中一个是：我16岁有中度智力障碍的儿子认为卫生纸已经不够用了，现在他坚持只用毛巾解决如厕需求。最绝的是...

This is from a listener, Jalees. Hi, Dax and Aaron. One of many hilarious struggles I have faced as a mother, My 16 year old son, who has a moderate intellectual disability, has decided that toilet paper just isn't cutting it anymore. Instead, he's embraced a towel only routine for his bathroom needs. Here's the kicker.

在他采用非传统的擦拭方式后，他会一丝不苟地把毛巾挂回架子上，仿佛什么都没发生。第一次警醒发生在我伸手拿毛巾擦脸时，迎接我的是一个再明显不过的‘惊喜’。想象一下，当我意识到我们的毛巾无意中成了他新系统的画布时有多震惊。这场斗争把我们家变成了沮丧与意外喜剧的混合体。但别担心，我们设法抢救了一条毛巾，偷偷藏起来供客人来访时使用。

After his unconventional wiping method, he meticulously hangs up the towel back on the rack as if nothing unusual happened. The first wake up call came when I reached for a towel to dry my face and was greeted by an unmistakable surprise. Imagine my shock when I realized our towels were now an unwitting canvas for his new system. The struggle has turned our home into a blend of frustration and unexpected comedy. But don't worry, we have managed to save one towel and have it hidden away for guests when they visit.

求助。诚挚地。

Help. Sincerely.

效果怎么样？

How is it working?

有了解决方案。没错。然后她署名：诚挚地，只是一个想避免得红眼病的妈妈，贾莉丝。

Have a solution. Right. And she signs it. Sincerely, just a mom trying to avoid pink eye, Jalise.

我立刻喜欢的一点是，人们在这种情境下总是如此小心翼翼。

You know what I like about it immediately is like people are so delicate around situations.

是啊。

Yeah.

但当你有一个中度智力障碍的孩子时，你别无选择，只能觉得这很好笑。

But when you have a kid who's moderately mentally impaired, you got no choice but to just think it's funny.

对吧？是的。对吧？

Right? Yes. Right?

这大概就是我喜欢它的地方。你想象着这样一种生活：你一直在处理这件事，然后你会一直悲伤、感觉糟糕。但生活照常继续，你就会想，哦，该死的迈克。猜猜他的新花样是什么？他在用毛巾擦屁股。

That's what I kinda like about it. You imagine this life where you're dealing with this thing and then you'd be sad all the time and feel bad. Life boogies on and you're like, oh, fucking Mike. Guess what his new thing is? He's wiping his ass with a towels.

而且我觉得也许这就是我们的比尔和琳达·罗伯茨纸巾故事。是的。今天早上又开始了。对。对。对。

And I think maybe this is how our Bill and Linda Roberts paper towel story Yeah. Started back up this morning. Right. Right. Right.

就好像他只是... 他真正需要的是一个比尔和琳达·罗伯茨。好吧。我们这儿就有一个。

It's like He just like What he really needs is a Bill and Linda Roberts. Okay. We got one here.

从一个我们经常去吃饭的地方。我知道。这是为了天气准备的。

From a place we eat at all the time. I know. It's for the weather.

我们要

Are we gonna

回答这个问题吗，不管出于什么原因？

answer the question for any reason?

他会去拿

He's gonna grab

食物，然后我们再辩论。

the food and then we'll debate it.

我们会辩论一个解决方案。因为他有

We'll debate a solution. Because he's got

答案。是的。需要哦，姑娘。

the answer. Yes. Needs Oh, girl.

她需要很多帮助。

She needs a lot of help.

如果你确实同时有三部电话在响，而且你在开车时还会接听其中一个，那你可能

If you do have three phones going at the same time and you'd accept one while you're driving, you might be

能够获得

able to get

把它放得挺好的。

it down pretty well.

我觉得这就是为什么有时候会特别晚。他们要同时应付六七件事对吧。所以太阳在用毛巾擦东西。嗯。好吧。

I think that's why sometimes it's really late. They're juggling like six or seven Right. So the sun is wiping with towels. Yeah. Okay.

埃里克，你说你已经有一个

Eric, you said you already have a

我觉得应该没问题，但你需要制定一些规则，比如这条毛巾只能在卫生间的毛巾架上使用。嗯哼。所以不是所有毛巾都可以。

I think it's probably okay, but you just have to have some rules around it where you can only use this towel on the rack in the bathroom. Uh-huh. So it's not all the towels.

你知道总是会有一条擦屎毛巾。

You know what always have a shit towel.

你之后总是会有一条擦屎毛巾。关掉这个。天啊。

You just always have a shit towel later. Close this was. Oh my god.

这差不多和我有一次在瑞安家点Five Guys外卖一样尴尬，他家就在街对面。我总感觉外卖小哥会说：你这个懒鬼。天哪，你就这么懒吗？

This is about as embarrassing as I've done it when I order from Five Guys at Ryan's house, which is directly across the street. And I'm expecting the delivery guy to go, you lazy motherfucker. God, are you fucking lazy?

是的。这大约有1200英尺。真的。

Yeah. This was like 1,200 feet. Truly.

是的。不到四分之一英里。

Yeah. Less than a quarter mile.

他也在那里给你发了一些消息。

He's shooting you some messages there too.

哦，他已经收到一些消息了。他有一个

Oh, he's already got some messages. He's got a

门禁密码，看起来是。好的。

gate code, it looked like. Okay.

哦天哪。这家伙一定很重要。

Oh my gosh. This guy must be important.

公寓号码，门禁

Apartment number, gate

代码。好的。太好了。我得说，埃里克，这份工作最难的部分就是到了现场后，要找到他们那该死的公寓。好吧。

code. Okay. Great. I would say, Eric, this is the hardest part of the job is like once you get on the scene trying to find their fucking apartment. Okay.

帮我保持通话。好的。

Hold the conversation for me. Okay.

也许他把车停在车库门前了。在里面？在那个车库门那里。好的。什么？

Maybe he parked in front of the garage door. In there? In that garage door. Okay. What?

好的。让我把这个放下。我马上

Okay. Let me just drop this off. I'll be

就回来。

right back.

让我先去送这个。越快越好。结果还是花了一分钟。是的。

Let me go deliver this first. The faster. That ended up taking a minute. Yep.

你们已经解决了吗？没有。没有。好吧。你暂停了。

Did you guys already solve it? No. No. Okay. You paused it.

我读出了很多言外之意，但听起来他好像特别讲究。比如，想每条毛巾都专用。

I'm reading a lot between the lines, but it sounds a bit like he's very specific. Like, wants to use every towel.

没错。

Right.

你懂我意思吧？

You know what I'm saying?

我在试着揣摩言外之意，比如设定哪些规则能符合他的性格？能不能说这条是你的专属毛巾？

I'm trying to read between the lines of, like, what parameters could you put that are gonna work with his disposition? Could you say that's your shit towel?

而且只有一个卫生间。

And it's only one toilet.

我更倾向于从小处着手。首先，我觉得你们得顺着这孩子的习惯来。

I was more thinking start real small. Like, well, first of all, I think you guys gotta roll with whatever's happening with this kid.

对吧？对。对。

Right? Right. Right.

是啊。我不知道你能不能赢。

Yeah. I don't know if you're gonna win.

人们过去会洗尿布。我是说，是的。差不多。我猜

People used to wash diapers. I mean, is Yeah. Like similar. I'm guessing

如果她用了她脸上的那条

if she used the one on her face

是的。

Yeah.

我猜只有一个卫生间。

I'm guessing there's one bathroom.

没错。还有手巾。她洗完脸后不会用像全身浴巾那样的东西来擦脸吧？对吧？我的想法是，她能不能对他说，继续擦，享受吧。

True. And hand towels. She wouldn't have used like a full body towel to wipe her face off after she washed her face. Right? My thought was, would it be okay for her to say to him, carry on, keep wiping, enjoy.

你只需要把他留在地上或小篮子里给他

Just you gotta leave him on the ground or little hamper for his

便便毛巾。对。

poop towels. Right.

一条便便毛巾。

A poop towel.

一个洗衣篮。是的。而且这些可以和普通衣服分开洗。所以你并没有洗它们。

A hamper. Yeah. And those can go in a separate wash than the regular clothes. So you weren't washing them.

这个想法挺有意思。你觉得它们需要分开洗吗？我的意思是，

That's an interesting thought. Do you think they need to be washed separately? I mean,

我猜

I guess

便便必须...我想好吧。我要告诉你，我们的狗丹在呕吐。所以我们正在清理它的呕吐物，然后她说，就把它放在洗衣机旁边的杂物水槽里，因为我已经有便便内裤和便便，所有东西都泡在那里了。然后我就觉得，呃。然后发生了什么？

Does poop have to I think okay. I'm gonna tell you our dog, Dan, was throwing up. So we're cleaning up his throw up, and she goes, just put that in the utility sink next to the washer because I already have poop underwear and poop, everything soaking in there. And I was like, ew. And What happened?

所以我觉得人们会把便便东西泡着。

So I think people soak the poop.

好吧。不。不。

Okay. No. No.

这是什么时候发生的？

This has this happened?

因为有个小孩。说清楚点。Rootsie 自己洗了澡然后拉粑粑了。这是一个来访的孩子干的。对吧？

Because there was a little kid. Let's just be clear. Rootsie had some showered herself and pooped. This was from a visiting child. Right?

但你不先让它浸泡一下吗？你不会把一堆粑粑直接放进洗衣机吧？

But you don't let it soak first? You don't put a bunch of poop in the washer?

在白色衣物里。和白色衣物一起洗。是的。我想我可以接受。我们都

In the whites. In with the whites. Yeah. I guess I'm fine with that. We all

经常拉在裤子里。

poop in our pants all the time.

嗯，偶尔啦。我就是这个意思。当我发生意外时，我会把我的内裤清理干净。

Well, occasionally. That's what I'm saying. When I have an accident, I clean my underpanties out.

是的。

Yeah.

先在马桶里。我知道。就像我把它们浸进马桶又拿出来。你马上扔掉。是的。

First in the toilet. I know. Like I dip them in and out of the toilet. You throw them right away. Yeah.

那可能是最卫生的。你这样做过吗？你在马桶里洗它们？不是脏的时候。比如，你冲一下马桶，你知道，是干净的水。

That's probably most sanitary. Do ever do that? You wash them in the toilet bowl itself? Not when it's dirty. Like, you flush the toilet, you know, clean water.

唰唰几下

The swish swish

然后也许再放到水槽里。

And then into the sink maybe.

然后我在水槽里稍微洗一下，再放进洗衣篮。然后我就不太担心了。

And then I do a little sink then in the hamper. And then I'm not too worried.

对。是的。我只在水槽里洗过。

Right. Yeah. I've only done the sink.

那挺好的。

That's good.

是啊。马桶加热器挺好的。为什么不呢？

Yeah. Toilet warmers are good. Why not?

对啊。为什么不呢？我从来不用处理沾了便便的内裤。

Yeah. Why not? I never really dealing with poopy underwear.

反正要买新内裤，我所有的内裤都穿了十年了。所以这是个好借口

Buy new underwear anyway, so all my underwear is ten years old. So it's a good excuse

把内裤扔掉。

to throw the underwear away.

这挺有意思的，因为你买很多衣服。

That's interesting because you buy a lot of clothes.

我不买。我还有我们疫情期间买的那些Pangaea牌的衣服呢。是啊，我买衣服。我买很多鞋。

I don't. I still got that Pangaea stuff we bought during COVID. Yeah. I buy clothes. I buy a lot of shoes.

我想也许我考虑的是你买了很多鞋子。对我自己来说也确实如此。

I guess maybe that's what I'm thinking of is you buy a lot of shoes. And I guess that's true for myself as well.

是啊。我需要一些新衣服。我穿同一批衣服已经有一阵子了。

Yeah. I need some clothes. I've been riding the same clothes for a minute.

去年我不得不和自己谈了一次，告诉自己：你有责任穿新衣服。毕竟你上电视。不能仅仅因为我想那样做就放弃——就是一辈子只穿我买过的衣服直到穿坏。我看着克里斯汀就想。

I had to have like a talk with myself last year where I was like, you have some responsibility to have new clothes. Like, you're on TV. You can't just quit because that's what I want to do. It's just like, yeah, wear whatever I bought for the rest of my life until wears out. I just look at Kristen.

我就想，看她花了多少心思。我觉得自己太懒了，明明在公众视野里，却完全不努力打造好造型。

I'm like, look how much effort she puts into it. I just felt lazy that I'm in the public eye and I'm making no effort to have good style.

我觉得，嗯，你还有布拉德·皮特送你的那件衬衫。是这个吗

I think Well, you got the shirt Brad Pitt gave you. Is This that this

是的。其实是

yeah. It's actually

而且你还有几件

And you got a couple of

那些现在。你在我生日时给我买了一件，真是太慷慨了。

those now. You bought me one for my birthday, which was so generous.

我是说，那些很不错。

I mean, those are nice.

非常不错。而且我喜欢它们。让我不敢买衣服的原因是，我害怕自己不知道喜欢什么。你懂我的意思吗？我就想，哦，想买新东西，但我不确定自己喜欢什么。

Incredibly nice. And I like them. What keeps me from buying clothes is I'm intimidated that I don't know what I like. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, oh, wanna get new stuff, but I'm not sure what I like.

然后我就只信任一些品牌，然后基本上它们卖什么我就买什么。

Then I just have some brands that I trust, and then I just kind of buy whatever they sell.

实际上，克里斯汀帮我挑了很多衣服，因为我觉得，如果她说好，那就好。

Actually, Kristen's picked out a lot of my clothes because I'm like, well, if she says it is good, then it's good.

是的。她是个非常好的

Yes. She's a very good Or

莫妮卡也是。露丝也挑过

Monica does too. Ruth has picked out

我是说，我只有几条裤子，但她总想给我买更多。我说不用，我有两条就够了。为什么要三条呢？

I mean, I only have a couple pairs of pants, but she wants to always buy me more. I say, no, I have two. Why would I need three?

现在这就是我不理解你的地方。对啊。你为什么不穿李维斯？还是你穿？因为你的腿和屁股很适合穿李维斯。

Now here's what I don't understand about you. Yeah. Why don't you wear Levi's? Or do you? Because you have the legs and ass for Levi's.

六年来我专门锻炼腿和屁股，就希望能穿李维斯并且看起来好看。我终于做到了，因为没什么比李维斯更酷了。

I have been singularly working out for six years on my legs and ass in hopes I could wear Levi's and they look good. I'm just finally there because nothing's cooler than Levi's.

为什么？因为李维斯很显身材。我

Why? Because it shows out Levi's. I

觉得这些是

think these are

我是说，耳朵看起来很棒。我从来没觉得你的裤子不好。

I mean, the ears look great. I've not thought your pants aren't good.

但她说现在这些太大了。

But it's She told me now these are too big.

我不能穿紧身衣。

I can't have skin tight.

我不行。感觉像是...而且我觉得潮流走向了另一个方向。我觉得我的裤子现在太紧了。嗯，是的。现在人人都穿超宽松的裤子。

I can't. Was like Also, I think that the trend went the other way. I think my pants are too tight now. Well, yeah. Everyone's wearing enormous pants.

最疯狂的是，当艾琳和我在高中时，我们穿53英寸腰围的裤子。没错。我们会去迈尔斯买那些便宜的蓝色牛仔裤，把裤脚剪掉，再系上一条宽腰带。然后穿着53英寸的裤子配上XXXL的冠军运动衫。我超爱那样穿，感觉棒极了。

This is what's so crazy is when Erin and I were in high school, we wore size fifty three inches pants. Right. We would go to Myers and get these cheap blue jeans, cut the bottoms off, and you had a big belt. And you wore fifty three inches pants with three XL champion sweatshirts. And I loved it, and I felt great in it.

太舒服了。当这种风格回归时，我想象自己穿上它的样子，然后我就觉得...我没有那个自信了，看起来太疯狂了。我做不到。奇怪的是我以前能穿，现在却不行了。而现在大家都...莫妮卡现在很朋克摇滚。

So comfortable. And when this style came back, I was imagining myself in it, and I'm like, I don't have the confidence to it looks insane. I can't do it. It's just weird that I was able to do it, and now I'm not. And now everyone now Monica's punk rock.

我们能直接发自己的照片吗？

Can we just post pictures of ourselves?

把我们以前的头像P上去。

Put our old face on top of it.

你说的53码裤子是什么意思？

What do you mean 53 pants?

53码的裤子。为什么这辆车会伤人呢？

53 pants. Why does this car hurt?

那样它们就穿不住了

Then they wouldn't stay on

你系上腰带。不，你只需要把它们系起来。

you in your belt. No. You just belt them up.

你，你把它们卷起来，对折，然后系上腰带。

You you crunch them, fold them over, and belt them.

从高中毕业到大概20岁，我们就只穿这些。还有这些我们叫流浪汉鞋的，你在迈尔斯花几美元就能买到。是啊，8美元一双鞋。我记得我到加州时，还是那种风格。

That's all we wore from senior year to probably 20 years old. And these shoes we called hobos, you got at Myers as like a couple dollars. Yeah. $8 for a pair of shoes. I remember when I got to California, that was still my style.

人们都说，老兄。是啊。怎么回事？

People were like, Bro. Yeah. What's going on?

所有青少年，比如莉莉的朋友们，那些男孩都这样。他们的屁股缝有点露出来。

That's what all the teenagers, like Lily's friends, the boys have. Like, their butt crack kinda hangs out.

是啊。是啊。是啊。

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

是啊。

Yeah.

我应该说，哦，太好了。它回来了。是啊。真该接受它的。我反应太慢了。

I should be like, oh, great. It's back. Yeah. Should have embraced it. I'm slow.

我穿紧身牛仔裤晚了两年，然后又多穿了两年不该穿的。但我推荐李维斯的原因是，一旦你选择了李维斯，就一劳永逸了。这种风格从五十年代起就一直很酷。

I was two years late on wearing skinny jeans, and then I wore them two years longer than I should have. But the reason I'm pitching Levi's is once you commit to Levi's, it's over. This style has been cool since the fifties.

对。2001年5月。

Right. 05/2001.

是啊。我有的就是那种。纽扣门襟的。

Yeah. That's what I have. Buttonfly.

合身还是

Fit or

我会告诉你我收到的那些。好的。是的。但你是

I'll tell you the ones I get. Okay. Yeah. But you're I

我想要一条新的李维斯牛仔裤。

would love a new pair of Levi's.

你的臀部可能有点太大了。而且它们价格超级合理，你还穿不坏。实际上就是。本集节目由李维斯、罗斯公司和

Your haunches might be a little too big. And they're super reasonably priced, and you can't destroy them. They're actually the Sure. This episode was brought to you by Levi's Ross and Company.

比尔·罗伯茨纸巾赞助。你知道关于

And Bill Roberts paper towel. Do you know the thing about

为什么是纽扣和铆钉吗？不知道。埃里克，你知道这个吗？我觉得你可能会知道。

why it's buttons and rivets? No. Do you know this, Eric? I feel like you would know this.

和采矿有关？

Something to do with mining?

是的。他们希望矿工能够修补裤子。对。在他们外出作业的时候。他们在采矿，周围没有任何女性，而他们都有铆钉枪，这样就可以修补裤子了

Yeah. They wanted miners to be able to repair the pants Right. While they were out in the field. They were out mining with no women anywhere near, and they all had rivet guns so they could repair the pants for

他们自己。是的。那是501牛仔裤吗？

themselves. Yeah. Are those five zero one jeans?

是的。而且我脱不下来了。这是我穿它们的第11天。埃里克，我爱你。

They are. Yeah. And I can't get out of them. I'm day 11 in these. Eric, I love you.

感谢加入我们。

Thanks for joining us.

我爱你们。谢谢邀请我。本来可以

I love you guys. Thanks for having me. Could've did

聊一整天。

this all day.

天啊。我知道。真希望这是个双人节目。我们可以一直聊下去。也许你还会再来。

Oh my god. I know. I wish this was kind of like a two banger. We could've done this forever. Well, maybe you'll come on again.

是的。

Yeah.

是啊。你肯定会很受欢迎的，我敢肯定。

Yeah. You'll be popular demand, I'm sure.

Dex在我清醒时告诉我，当我试图理清头绪、待在家里、不再那么频繁来洛杉矶时，他说，你必须找到你的Eric。他说这是必须的。你必须找到你的Eric。是的。在底特律。

Dex told me when I got sober, when I was trying to figure it out and be at home when I stopped coming to LA as often, he's like, you have to find your Eric. He's like, it's a necessity. You have to find your Eric Yeah. In Detroit.

我觉得这只是从小在班级小镇长大的包袱。就像，即使在匿名戒酒会，我得认真对待，但我还是需要稍微待在教室后排。我觉得有一个人我可以像，哦。是的。是的。

I think it's just baggage from being a kid in a class town. It's like, even though in AA, I gotta take it seriously, I still need to be in the back of the classroom a little bit. I think one person I could be like, oh. Yeah. Yeah.

是的。是的。而且你们可以无话不谈。

Yeah. Yeah. And you could talk about everything.

好了。爱你。

Alright. Love you.

爱你们大家。

Love you guys.