保罗·格雷厄姆：关于养育孩子

在我有孩子之前，我很害怕要孩子。在那之前，我对孩子的感受就像年轻的奥古斯丁对过有德生活的感受一样。想到自己可能永远不会有孩子，我会感到难过。但我现在想要孩子吗？不。

Before I had kids, I was afraid of having kids. Up to that point, I felt about kids the way the young Augustine felt about living virtuously. I'd have been sad to think I'd never have children. But did I want them now? No.

如果有了孩子，我就会成为父母，而父母——从我小时候就知道——是很不酷的。他们无趣、有责任感，而且没有乐趣。虽然孩子这么想并不奇怪，但说实话，成年后我也没看到什么能改变我想法的事情。每当我注意到带着孩子的父母时，孩子似乎都很可怕，而父母即使占了上风也显得可怜兮兮。当别人有了孩子，我会热情地祝贺他们，因为这是惯例，但我内心完全没有共鸣。

If I had kids, I'd become a parent, and parents, as I'd known since I was a kid, were uncool. They were dull and responsible and had no fun. And while it's not surprising that kids would believe that, to be honest, I hadn't seen much as an adult to change my mind. Whenever I'd noticed parents with kids, the kids seem to be terrors, and the parents' pathetic carried creatures even when they prevailed. When people had babies, I congratulated them enthusiastically because that seemed to be what one did, but I didn't feel it at all.

我当时想的是：幸好是你不是我。现在当人们有了孩子，我会热情地祝贺他们，而且是真心实意的，特别是第一个孩子。我觉得他们刚刚得到了世界上最好的礼物。当然，改变这一切的是我自己有了孩子。曾经恐惧的事情结果变得如此美好，这点我无法否认。

Better you than me, I was thinking. Now when people have babies, I congratulate them enthusiastically, and I mean it, especially the first one. I feel like they just got the best gift in the world. What changed, of course, is that I had kids. Something I dreaded turned out to be wonderful partly, and I won't deny it.

这是因为当我们第一个孩子出生时，几乎瞬间发生了严重的化学变化。就像有人按下了开关。我突然产生了保护欲，不仅是对自己的孩子，而是对所有孩子。当我开车接妻子和新生儿从医院回家时，遇到一个人行横道满是行人，我发现自己想着：我必须特别小心这些人——他们每个人都是某个人的孩子。

This is because of serious chemical changes that happen almost instantly when our first child was born. It was like someone flipped a switch. I suddenly felt protective, not just toward our child, but toward all children. As I was driving my wife and new son home from the hospital, I approached a crosswalk full of pedestrians, and I found myself thinking, I have to be really careful of all these people. Every one of them is someone's child.

所以某种程度上，当我说养孩子很棒时，你不能完全相信我。某种程度上，我就像一个宗教狂热分子告诉你加入教派就会快乐——但这只是因为入教后你的思维会被改变，让你甘愿成为教徒。不过也不尽然。关于养育孩子，有些事情我之前的认知明显是错误的。比如，我对父母和孩子的观察存在巨大的选择偏差。可能有父母注意到我写的是'每当我注意到带着孩子的父母时'。

So to some extent, you can't trust me when I say having kids is great. To some extent, I'm like a religious cultist telling you that you'll be happy if you join the cult too, but only because joining the cult will alter your mind in a way that will make you happy to be a cult member, but not entirely. There were some things about having kids that I clearly got wrong before I had them. For example, there was a huge amount of selection bias in my observations of parents and children. Some parents may have noticed that I wrote whenever I'd noticed parents with kids.

当然，我注意到孩子的时候都是出状况的时候。只有当他们吵闹时我才注意到他们。而我注意到他们时身处何处？平时我根本不会去有孩子的地方。所以我遇到他们的唯一场合就是飞机这类共享的瓶颈空间——这显然不是具有代表性的样本。

Of course, the times I noticed kids were when things were going wrong. I only noticed them when they made noise. And where was I when I noticed them? Ordinarily, I never went to places with kids. So the only times I encountered them were in shared bottlenecks like airplanes, which is not exactly a representative sample.

带幼儿坐飞机是很少有父母享受的事。而那些美好的亲子时刻——因为它们往往安静得多——我都没有注意到。人们很少谈论这些。那种魔力难以言表，而且其他父母都懂。但养育孩子最棒的一点就是，有太多时刻让你觉得：这就是你最想待的地方，这就是你最想做的事。

Flying with a toddler is something very few parents enjoy. What I didn't notice, because they tend to be much quieter, were all the great moments parents had with kids. People don't talk about these much. The magic is hard to put into words, and all other parents know about them anyway. But one of the great things about having kids is that there are so many times when you feel there is nowhere else you'd rather be and nothing else you'd rather be doing.

你不必刻意做什么特别的事。可能只是一起去某个地方，或是哄他们睡觉，或是在公园里推他们荡秋千，但这些时刻你千金不换。人们通常不会将孩子与宁静联系起来，但这就是你的感受。你无需追寻远方，当下即是圆满。在我有孩子之前，也曾有过这般宁静的时刻，但那时更为罕见。

You don't have to be doing anything special. You could just be going somewhere together or putting them to bed or pushing them on the swings at the park, but you wouldn't trade these moments for anything. One doesn't tend to associate kids with peace, but that's what you feel. You don't need to look any further than where you are right now. Before I had kids, I had moments of this kind of peace, but they were rarer.

有了孩子后，这种宁静一天能出现好几次。我对孩子的另一认知来源是自己的童年，这同样具有误导性。我小时候很调皮，总因各种事惹上麻烦。因此我曾以为为人父母本质上就是执法者。我没意识到其中也有美好时光。

With kids, it can happen several times a day. My other source of data about kids was my own childhood, and that was similarly misleading. I was pretty bad and was always in trouble for something or other. So it seemed to me that parenthood was essentially law enforcement. I didn't realize there were good times too.

记得三十岁时母亲曾告诉我，她真的很享受抚养我和妹妹的时光。天啊，我当时觉得这位女士简直是圣人。她不仅承受了我们带给她的所有痛苦，竟然还乐在其中。如今我才明白她只是在陈述事实。

I remember my mother telling me once when I was about 30 that, she'd really enjoyed having me and my sister. My god. I thought this woman is a saint. She not only endured all the pain we subjected her to, but actually enjoyed it. Now I realized she was simply telling the truth.

她说喜欢养育我们的原因之一是我们很有趣。当我有了孩子后，这点让我惊讶。你不仅爱他们，他们还会成为你的朋友。他们真的很有意思。

She said that one reason she liked having us was that we've been interesting to talk to. That took me by surprise when I had kids. You don't just love them. They become your friends too. They're really interesting.

虽然我承认幼儿对重复行为有着灾难性的热衷——任何值得做一次的事都值得做五十次——但和他们玩耍往往确实充满乐趣。这也令我意外。两岁时觉得和两岁孩子玩很有趣，六岁时肯定觉得无聊。为何长大后又会重拾乐趣？但事实就是如此。

And while I admit small children are disastrously fond of repetition, anything worth doing once is worth doing 50 times, it's often genuinely fun to play with them. That surprised me too. Playing with a two year old was fun when I was two and definitely not fun when I was six. Why would it become fun again later? But it does.

当然也有纯粹苦差事的时刻，更糟的是惊恐时刻。养孩子是那种除非亲身经历否则难以想象的强烈体验。但这并非如我生育前潜意识认为的，仅仅是你的DNA在寻找救生艇。不过我对生育的某些担忧是对的——孩子确实会让你的工作效率降低。

There are, of course, times that are pure drudgery or worse still, terror. Having kids is one of those intense types of experience that are hard to imagine unless you've had them. But it is not, as I implicitly believed before having kids, simply your DNA heading for the lifeboats. Some of my worries about having kids were right, though. They definitely make you less productive.

我知道有些人因为有了孩子而变得井井有条。但若你原本就很有条理，你的可用时间就会减少。特别是你必须按计划行事——孩子们有自己的作息表。我不确定这是孩子的天性使然，还是让他们的生活与成人接轨的唯一方式。

I know having kids makes some people get their act together. But if your act was already together, you're gonna have less time to do it in. In particular, you're gonna have to work to a schedule. Kids have schedules. I'm not sure if it's because that's how kids are or because it's the only way to integrate their lives with adults.

但一旦有了孩子，你就得按他们的时间表行事。你会有大块的工作时间，但不能像我从前那样让工作肆意侵占整个生活。你必须每天固定时间工作，无论灵感是否涌现，有时灵感来了也得停下。我已适应了这种方式。工作就像爱情，总会找到出路。

But once you have kids, you tend to have to work on their schedule. You will have chunks of time to work, but you can't let work spill promiscuously through your whole life like I used to before I had kids. You're gonna have to work at the same time every day whether inspiration is flowing or not, and there are gonna be times when you have to stop even if it is. I've been able to adapt to working this way. Work, like love, finds a way.

如果只能在特定时间完成，那就在那些时间完成。所以虽然我无法像有孩子前那样高效，但完成量已足够。我讨厌这么说，因为雄心一直是我身份的一部分，但养育孩子可能让人变得不那么雄心勃勃。写下这句话让我痛苦，我扭动着试图回避。

If there are only certain times it can happen, it happens at those times. So while I don't get as much done as before I had kids, I get enough done. I hate to say this because being ambitious has always been a part of my identity, but having kids may make one less ambitious. It hurts to see that sentence written down. I squirm to avoid it.

但如果这不是事实，我为何要回避？真相是一旦有了孩子，你可能会更关心他们而非自己，而注意力是零和游戏。同一时间只能有一个首要念头。有了孩子后，这个念头常常会是他们，意味着你正在进行的项目会退居次位。我有一些应对技巧。

But if there weren't something real there, why would I squirm? The fact is once you have kids, you're probably gonna care more about them than you do about yourself, and attention is a zero sum game. Only one idea at a time can be the top idea in your mind. Once you have kids, it will often be your kids, and that means it will less often be some project you're working on. I have some hacks for sailing close to this wind.

比如写文章时，我会思考希望孩子了解什么。这驱使我正确表达。写《贝尔》时，我告诉孩子完成后会带他们去非洲。对小孩说这种话，他们会视为承诺，这意味着我必须完成，否则将剥夺他们的非洲之旅。如果足够幸运，这类技巧或许能让我略有盈余，但逆风始终存在。

For example, when I write essays, I think about what I'd want my kids to know. That drives me to get things right. And when I was writing Belle, I told my kids that once I finished it, I'd take them to Africa. When you say that sort of thing to a little kid, they treat it as a promise, which meant I had to finish or I'd be taking away their trip to Africa. Maybe if I'm really lucky, such tricks could put me net ahead, but the wind is there.

毫无疑问。反过来说，如果连养育孩子都经受不住的雄心，该有多脆弱？你的雄心如此匮乏吗？虽然孩子可能扭曲我当下的判断，但并未覆盖我的记忆。我清晰记得从前的生活，足以让我深深怀念某些事，比如随时飞往异国的自由。

No question. On the other hand, what kind of wimpy ambition do you have if it won't survive having kids? Do you have so little to spare? And while having kids may be warping my present judgment, it hasn't overwritten my memory. I remember perfectly well what life was like before, well enough to miss some things a lot, like the ability to take off for some other country at a moment's notice.

那感觉太棒了。为什么我从未那样做？明白我的意思吗？事实上我有孩子前的大部分自由都从未使用过。我为它付出了孤独的代价，却从未真正享用它。

That was so great. Why did I never do that? See what I did there? The fact is most of the freedom I had before kids, I never used. I paid for it in loneliness, but I never used it.

有孩子前我也有许多快乐时光。但如果计算幸福时刻——不是潜在可能，而是真实的快乐瞬间——有孩子后比之前更多。现在我几乎每晚睡前都能收获这种快乐。为人父母的体验因人而异，我知道自己很幸运。但我认为有孩子前的那些担忧应该很普遍。

I had plenty of happy times before I had kids. But if I count up happy moments, not just potential happiness, but actual happy moments, they're more after kids than before. Now I practically have it on tap almost any bedtime. People's experiences as parents vary a lot, and I know I've been lucky. But I think the worries I had before having kids must be pretty common.

从其他家长看到孩子时的表情来判断，孩子们带来的快乐也一定如此。

And judging by other parents' faces when they see their kids, so must the happiness the kids bring.