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嘿。
Hey.
嗨，
Hi,
大家好。
everyone.
欢迎来到《Bitch Bible》播客，自2012年以来最棒的节目。
Welcome to the Bitch Bible Podcast, the greatest show since 2012.
那个声音，简直是天使的嗓音。
Voice of an angel, that one.
大家好。
Hello, everybody.
欢迎来到《Bitch Bible》。
Welcome to the Bitch Bible.
我是你们的主持人杰姬·施梅尔，带你们一路游到岸边。
I'm your host, Jackie Schimmel, just carrying us to fucking shore.
杰基，去哪儿？
Jackie, where?
为什么？
Why?
哇，哇，哇，哇，哇，哇，哇。
Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah.
你为什么戴墨镜？
Why are you wearing sunglasses?
因为灯光太亮了。
Because the lights are just too bright.
而且我有点睡眠不足，真是年度母亲奖得主。
And I'm a little underslept Mother of the Year award.
准备好迎接吧。
Get ready for it.
剪下来发给儿童保护服务。
Clip it and send it to CPS.
昨晚我让克莱德躺下后，我们进入了管教阶段。
Last night, I put Clyde down and we are in our discipline era.
他一直在试探界限。
He has been testing boundaries.
他特别喜欢说‘不’，就想看看能耍什么花招。
He's very into the word no and just seeing what he can get away with.
所有东西都是我的，不是你的。
Everything is mine, not yours.
我的。
Mine.
我的。
Mine.
不行，妈妈。
No, mommy.
不行，妈妈。
No, mommy.
我们不知道他为什么有法国口音，但我觉得这很迷人。
We don't know why he has a French accent, but I think it's sexy.
不吃晚饭。
No dinner.
不节食。
No diet.
我在想，你到底是哪个地区的人？
I'm like, what what what region are you from?
勃艮第？
Burgundy?
夏布利？
Chablis?
我们也不知道。
We don't know.
而且我们也不太在意。
And we don't really care.
所以昨晚，我把克莱德哄睡后，去客厅看《独自告白》。
So last night, I put Clyde down and went to go saunter to the living room to watch Tell Me Lies in Solitude.
你知道的，他是在考验我。
And, you know, he was testing me.
他打了我。
He slapped me.
我说，好孩子。
I said, nice boys.
别打妈妈。
Don't slap their mother.
如果你想吃冰淇淋，想去书店，或者想玩你的火车，你得温柔一点。
If you want ice cream, if you want to go to the bookstore, if you want to play with your trains, you need to be gentle.
好的。
Okay.
然后我示范给他看。
And then I model it.
我不会大喊大叫。
I don't scream.
我不搞戏剧化那一套，但我们在管教。
I don't get theatrical, but we're disciplining.
你知道的，我们不是在搞温柔育儿那一套。
You know, we're not doing the gentle parenting thing.
所以我会立刻把自己从情况中抽离。
So I immediately remove myself from the equation.
我会带着爱，但非常非常坚定地实施管教。
I do it lovingly, but very, very firm discipline forward.
我不想养出一个该死的混蛋。
I'm not trying to raise a fucking asshole.
我就是不这么做。
I'm just not doing it.
他需要能坐在餐厅里。
He needs to sit at a restaurant.
他得学会守规矩，要有礼貌。
He needs to behave himself or manners forward.
你知道的，咱们先从最最基本的要求开始吧。
You know, also just let's start bare bare minimum.
比如，别打我。
Like, don't slap me.
比如，别打女人。
Like, don't slap women.
你知道的，这对我来说会是巨大的育儿成就。
You know, that would be a huge parenting accomplishment for me.
所以我把他放下来，因为他是在试探我。
So I put him down because he was testing me.
我走进客厅，他哭着喊着，抬头看着摄像头，说：‘不，妈妈。’
I go into the living room and he's crying, he's screaming, and he's looking up at the camera and he's going, No, mommy.
他只是在崩溃，情绪完全失控了。
And he's just being he's unraveling.
好吧？
Okay?
我通过扬声器说，他说没关系。
And I say on the speaker, he said, it's okay.
妈妈爱你。
Mommy loves you.
明天早上见。
I'll see you in the morning.
晚安。
Go night night.
他只是盯着摄像头，一副‘去你的’的态度。
And he's just staring up at the camera kind of with, like, a fuck you attitude.
我知道我得看看露西和史蒂文在哪。
And, you know, I had to see where Lucy and Steven were.
布里知道什么？
And what what does Brie know?
布里不知道什么？
What does Brie not know?
你知道的，我现在深陷在一堆谎言里。
You know, I'm I'm in the thick of tell me lies.
所以我没意识到，我离开时气得发疯，竟然忘了关灯。
So I did not realize that I had left in such a fury that I forgot to turn the lights off.
就像ISIS监狱营的酷刑入门课一样，我让克莱德在睡前独自待在卧室，整晚都开着顶灯、吊灯和台灯，这可不太妙。
So similar to an ISIS prison camp torture one zero one, I left Clyde in his bedroom at bedtime to sleep the entirety of the night with not only overhead lights on, a chandelier and a lamp, which is not great.
今天早上我走进去，心想：天啊，这可怜的孩子竟然一直睡在这么亮的灯下。
I walked in this morning and I thought, holy fuck, this poor kid has been sleeping under these bright lights.
我希望他不会觉得这是我在惩罚他对我动手。
And I hope he doesn't equate that to, like, me punishing him for being, you know, physical with me.
喂，你敢打你妈？
Like, bitch, you hit your mom.
那就让你睡在你这辈子见过最亮的LED灯下吧。
You're to sleep in the brightest LEDs you've ever seen.
妈妈去家得宝买了一个探照灯。
Mama getting a floodlight at the Home Depot.
那可不是我最出色的育儿时刻。
It was not my finest parenting hour.
如果他因此留下了终身创伤，顺便说一句，这房子里的灯光其实非常非常暗。
And if he has lifelong trauma because of it, by the way, the lights in this house are very, very low.
所以可能反而让他觉得挺舒服的。
So it's probably like a bit refreshing.
我感到非常、非常、非常内疚。
And I felt really, really, really bad.
所以今天早上我给他做了米老鼠形状的煎饼，现在我简直把所有管教的成效都抵消了。
So I made him Mickey Mouse pancakes this morning, and now I've like completely counteracted all of the the disciplinary work.
我想开始这一集。
I would like to start this episode.
抱歉，我刚才忍不住笑了。
Sorry, I just did crack.
我现在感觉特别兴奋，因为几周前我就跟你们说过，我们即将进入泳池翻新时代。
I'm feeling really just elated right now because like I told you guys a couple of weeks ago, we are entering the pool renovation era.
顺便说一下，我们现在把‘时代’这个词资本化和虚构化，是不是特别烦人？比如‘时代商店’？
I don't by the way, like, how annoying is it now that we've like capitalized and and fictionalized era like the era store?
我的这个时代，我正处于我的那个时代。
I mean, my this era, I'm in my that era.
我现在正处于我那个傻逼时代。
I'm in my dumb fuck era.
我现在要停止说我们要退役它了。
I'm going to stop saying that we're retiring it right now.
闭上眼睛。
Close your eyes.
坐下，希瓦。
Sit, Shiva.
三、二、一。
Three, two, one.
我们回来了。
We're back.
上布伦特的熟食拼盘吧。
Cue the Brent's deli platters.
好的。
Okay.
正如我之前所说，我们正在搞后院。
As I previously said, we are doing the back yard.
我需要一个项目。
I need a project.
我觉得雨季已经过去了。
I feel like the rains have passed.
东西只会越来越贵。
Things are only getting more expensive.
关税正在上涨。
Tariffs are going up.
我不知道这些是不是真的，但我就是想做这个院子，而且一切机遇都恰到好处。
I don't know if any of that is true, but I I want to do this yard and all the stars have aligned.
昨晚我半夜醒来，紧紧抱着我的私处。
I woke up in the middle of the night last night, Okay, clutching my vagina.
我坐起来，脑子里突然冒出深绿色哑光大理石棋盘格的图案。
And I sat up and I just thought dark green honed marble checkerboard.
水线瓷砖。
Waterline tile.
从那以后，我就一发不可收拾了。
And from then on, I was off to the races.
今天我去了一趟Stoneyard。
I went to the Stoneyard today.
我走进那里，感觉就像碧昂丝在《Cowboy Carter》演唱会上登场一样。
I walk in there and it's like Beyonce entering the stadium at the Cowboy Carter.
就像《穿普拉达的女王》里米兰达·普里斯特利开场的场景。
Okay, it's like it's like Miranda Priestley's opening scene in The Devil Wears Prada.
我把包扔了。
I'm throwing my bag.
一台风机器从那家昏暗的LED灯照明的商店里冒了出来。
A wind machine pops up from the sad LED lit store.
我的头发被风吹得飘了起来。
I've got wind in my hair.
那些男人围着我献殷勤。
The men are fawning all over me.
他们知道我是个鲁莽的人。
They know I'm reckless.
他们知道我怪里怪气的。
They know I'm weird.
他们知道我会买那些没人碰的古怪材料。
They know I'm gonna buy the weird fucking materials that nobody else is touching.
明白吗？
Okay?
给我一块酒红色的切维纹大理石瓷砖。
Give me a burgundy Chevron marble tile.
我会想办法搞定的。
I'm gonna figure it out.
我是说，我会做点奇怪的东西。
Like, I'm gonna do something weird.
你们有一些打折的、被丢弃的、停产的进口货，不管是什么。
You've got some discounted, discard, discontinued import, whatever it is.
如果它既困难又财政上不负责任，我就会被吸引。
If it's difficult and fiscally irresponsible, I'm drawn to it.
他们有这个。
They had this.
天啊。
Oh my god.
他们有这种多色大理石马赛克，像棋盘格那样，但由小小的多色大理石菱形组成。
They had this multicolored marble mosaic with like like checkerboard checkerboard, but with like small little diamonds of marble, like multicolored.
我对泰勒说，亲爱的，拿个桶和拖把来
I I said to Taylor, I said, honey, get a bucket and a mop
为了这湿漉漉的私处。
for this wet ass pussy.
我也真的做不到。
I also just can't.
你们知道吗，面部麻痹情况并没有好转。
The facial paralysis, you guys, it's not getting better.
实际上还在恶化。
It's actually getting worse.
我本来以为我的下颌线条可能稍微灵活了一点。
I thought that maybe I was a little I was getting a little bit more flexibility in the jawline.
但可惜的是，那半边脸在注射填充物后突然僵住了。
But alas, the sport half snapped in conjunction with the filler.
我早上去吃午饭，试着点了一杯冰抹茶拿铁，只加了一点点糖浆。
And I went to lunch earlier and I tried to order an iced matcha latte with the smallest splash of simple syrup.
好的。
Okay.
在喝了两杯马提尼后，把这个词连说五遍试试。
Which say that five times fast after two martinis.
s的发音太难了。
The s's are so hard.
我说，我要一杯冰抹茶拿铁，最少量的——让我试着说一遍。
I'm like, I'll have an iced matcha latte with the smallest let me try to say it.
好的。
Okay.
嗨。
Hi.
请问可以给我一杯冰抹茶拿铁，用椰奶，只加一点点甜味吗？
Could I please have an iced iced can I please have an iced matcha latte with coconut milk and just the smallest spot?
你正在看这个视频。
You're watching the video.
你在看视频。
You're watching the video.
别看视频了。
Stop watching the video.
我真的是，比如说，
I literally, like,
嘴巴完全张不开。
can't move my mouth fully.
我能要一杯不错的抹茶拿铁，加一点点
Can I get a nice matcha latte with the smallest splash of
糖浆吗？
simple syrup?
我说不出来。
I can't say it.
我说不出来。
I can't say it.
这太尴尬了。
It's so embarrassing.
而且我当然说，真的很抱歉。
And I, of course, I'm like, I'm so sorry.
我有面部麻痹。
I have facial paralysis.
她就说，哦，天哪，你真的有。
She's like, Oh, no, you do.
我就说，这其实就是打了太多肉毒杆菌。
And I'm like, It's just a lot of Botox.
你明白我的意思吧？
You got what I'm saying?
把事情拼起来看。
Put the pieces together.
不太妙。
Not great.
不太好。
Not great.
但我们正在收集材料，正在使用奶油色的石灰石。
But we are collecting materials and we're doing creamy limestone.
好吧，我们在做些奇怪的东西。
Okay, we're doing weird.
你不能把大理石用在泳池里。
You can't put marble in a pool.
我确实深入研究过这个问题，但我可以用类似瓷片的大理石，这种材料对水友好。
I've really explored that, but I can get marble like porcelain tiles, which is water friendly.
所以我在想，可以在泳池里用深深的绿色和卡拉卡塔棋盘格图案。
So I can do a dark, dark green and a calacutta checkerboard in the pool.
然后我打算做得非常非常特别。
And then I'm thinking I would like to get very, very weird.
我不是要搞摩洛哥风格，你的那种爱好B，但我找到了这种粉色的。
I'm not going Moroccan, your hobby b, but I found these like pink.
各位，这会超级性感。
You guys, it's gonna be so sexy.
这会像南希·迈耶斯的风格，但带有现代感，非常具体。
It's gonna be Nancy Meyers, But like with a modern edge, like highly, highly specific.
我太兴奋了。
I'm so excited.
我太兴奋了。
I'm so excited.
我刚才差不多在干蹭石灰石，距今四十三分钟前。
I was laying I was basically dry humping limestone T minus forty three minutes ago.
我本来想说什么来着？
What was I going to say?
天哪，我有个超棒的故事要分享，你知道的，有点可疑。
Oh my God, I had an amazing story to share that, you know, questionable.
我不确定要不要讲出来，因为可能不合适。
Didn't know if I was going to share it because it may not.
它可能经不起风暴的考验，但在这些艰难时刻，当宇宙赐予你一丝喜悦时，分享它却无比重要。
It may not fare the storm well, but it is so important in these trying times to share morsels of joy when the universe hands them to you.
谁能忘记呢？
Now who could forget?
《贱人圣经》的粉丝们会记得我生命中最伟大的时刻。
Bitch bible aficionados will remember the greatest moment of my life.
我的意思是，那是非常、非常、非常早期的事，早在我儿子出生之前。
I mean, a very, very first first first way before the birth of my son.
就在那个时刻，我在狗公园看到一位老妇人被她的德国牧羊犬拖着，从斜坡上一路拖过沥青路面，横穿街道——一个瘦弱的老太太，被她那400磅重的狗拖着走。
This moment in time when I saw a woman being dragged by her German shepherd from on an incline down the asphalt and across the street, a brittle old bitch, okay, being dragged by her 400 pound dog while I was at a dog park.
我想那应该是2022年。
I think the year was 2022.
那依然是我生命中最美好的时刻。
And it remains the best moment of my life.
就连第一次抱着克莱德的时刻，也远远比不上我看到那个可怜的老妇人像尸体一样被狗拖着横穿街道的那一刻。
Like, holding Clyde for the first time, nowhere near the moment that I saw this poor carcass of a woman being dragged lifeless like a corpse across the street from her dog.
我当时开的是一辆敞篷车。
I had a convertible at the time.
我伤心欲绝。
I was so inconsolable.
眼泪不停地流，车顶是敞开的，无处可躲，我喘着气，而那个女人，你知道吗？
Tears running down my face, top down, nowhere to hide, gasping for air while this woman, she you know what?
她违停了，没有像她这个年纪该做的那样走人行道，反而选择从艾维山往下走，她的狗看到狗公园，猛地冲向马路。
She parked illegally, and instead of coming down the paved sidewalk like she should have at her geriatric age, she decided to go down the Ivy Hill, and her dog saw the dog park and started lunging into the street.
她脸朝下摔倒了。
She falls face down.
这画面永远看不腻。
It never gets old.
那个画面。
The visual.
她脸朝下倒在了草地里，身上大概满是老鼠。
She falls face down in the IV, probably riddled with rats.
一个女孩可以做梦，还有杀虫剂。
A girl could dream and pesticides.
这很搞笑，因为这是真的。
It's funny because it's true.
而且就像
And it's like
夏日的炎热，这只狗正朝狗公园扑去。
the heat of summer, and this dog is is lunging at this dog park.
这位女士正用她钙质不足的骨头紧握着狗绳，明白吗？
This woman is holding on to that leash, okay, with her calcium deficient bones.
狗在拖着她，她的腿胡乱踢蹬，她喊着：‘停下，托比。’
And the dog's just dragging her, and her leg her legs are flailing, and she's like, stop, Toby.
停下，托比。
Stop, Toby.
我害怕。
Am scared.
我在路上。
I'm on the road.
她被拖在前面
She's being dragged in front
我面前。
of me.
我所能做的就是把脚踩在
And all I could do was put my foot on
刹车上，蹲下，把脸埋在膝盖里哭。
the brake and duck and cry into my lap.
因为我能做什么呢？
Because what was I supposed to do?
我在马路中间。
I was in the middle of the road.
哦，好吧。
Oh, okay.
那是杰姬，这不好笑。
That's Jackie, that's not funny.
你现在是母亲了，我们不会对这样的事情发笑，除非它以另一种形式再次发生。
You're a mother now, and we don't laugh at things like that, except when it happens again in different form.
所以昨天，那些圣安娜风来了。
So yesterday, those Santa Ana winds, Okay, they were a blow in.
我的头发从未看起来这么好过。
My hair never looked better.
阳光明媚。
The sun was shining.
这真是一个美丽的80度冬日，你敢信吗？
It was a beautiful 80 degree winter day, if you can believe it.
好吧。
Okay.
当圣安娜风像电影和节日告诉我们的那样猛烈刮起时，任何事情都可能发生。
And when those Santa Ana winds get gusting as the movie, the holiday told us, anything can happen.
好吧，魔法就在空气中。
Okay, magic is in the air.
是的。
Yes.
火险季节，正如之前详细讨论过的，但这也是个很棒的时节。
Fire season, as previously discussed at length, but also just a great time.
所以我等红灯时，在这个十字路口的角落，有一个巨大的喷泉。
So I'm at the stoplight and on the corner of this intersection, there's this huge water fountain.
好吧。
Okay.
它有好几层，你知道的，喷水的时间安排也不一样。
And it's tiered and it, you know, it's kind of timed differently.
有时候水位低，有时候水位高。
So sometimes the water's low, sometimes the water's high.
宇宙爱我，奖励我为社会所做的一切贡献。
The universe loves me and rewards me for all of my contributions to society.
所以我认为这是一份宇宙的馈赠。
So I believe this to be a cosmic gift.
就在这一刻，当我停在这盏红灯下，在这个有着不断起伏喷泉的街角，在这个圣安娜风强劲、阵风猛烈的日子里，这位可爱的女士——就像我梦中出现的那样——是那个被德国牧羊犬拖着走的同一个人，但其实并不是。
Now, at this very moment, while I'm at this very red light, on this very corner with this very fluctuating fountain, on this particularly Santa Ana wind heavy, high gust day, this sweet little lady, like in my fever dream, it's the same lady that was dragged by her German shepherd, but it's not.
但在我的幻想里，她就是同一个人，因为这女人根本不懂得收手。
But, like, in my in my fantasies, it's the same person because this bitch just never takes a hint.
明白吗？
Okay?
风势猛烈的一天。
A gusty, gusty day.
这位慈祥的老太太骑着一辆小巧的沙滩车。
This sweet old woman is on a little beach cruiser.
好的。
Okay.
她带着她的篮子。
And she's got her basket.
她看起来可能是去CVS买点什么，我不知道，比如杜塞勒克斯或者钙片之类的。
It looks like maybe she hopped over to CVS to get some, I don't know, Ducellex or calcium pills or whatever.
好吧，随便吧。
Okay, whatever.
这要看情况。
It depends.
便盆。
Bed pans.
我不认识她。
I don't know her.
她的降压药。
Her blood pressure medication.
不知道。
Don't know.
但她有个可爱的小篮子，正骑着车穿过 neighborhood。
But she's got a cute little basket and she's biking through the neighborhood.
就在她即将转弯的那一刻，一阵强风刮了过来。
And right as she's about to take the turn, a huge gust of wind comes by.
真是天时地利人和。
Just the perfect storm.
就在同一时刻，喷泉正在喷水。
And at the very same time, the water fountain is fountaining.
明白吗？
Okay?
这阵风就在我这儿吹过。
And this gust of wind I'm right here.
我离这起事件只有三英尺半远。
I'm three and a half feet away from this incident.
明白吗？
Okay?
这阵风把水像飓风卡特里娜一样，直接卷到了那个骑自行车的臭娘们身上。
This gust of wind takes the water, okay, like hurricane Katrina right into this brittle ass bitch on her bike.
不仅把她淋透了，还直接把她掀翻了。
And not only drenches her, fully takes her out.
你懂我的意思吧？
You know what I mean?
她有点摇摇晃晃的。
She's kinda she's weaving.
她啊。
She's oh.
然后她并没有完全摔倒。
And then she's she didn't fall fully.
她用腿撑住了自己，但还是摇摇欲坠，浑身湿透。
She was able to catch herself on the leg, But she was teetering there and she was drenched.
好吧，当你目睹这么惨的一幕时，会分成两种人。
Okay, now when you witness something that terrible, there are two types of people.
一种是道德沦丧的人，他们根本控制不住自己，因为我们灵魂里有点问题——只要看到有人摔倒，我就忍不住狂笑。
There are the morally bankrupt people who just cannot help themselves because we have something wrong with us in our soul, where if I see anybody fall, I laugh uncontrollably.
如果我看到任何人发生任何不会导致担架或流血的意外，我都会笑，明白吗？
If I see anybody have any form of a mishap that doesn't include a stretcher or blood, I'm laughing, okay?
说实话，我们不该这么坦率地谈论这件事。
And it's not something that we should be so open about, quite frankly.
我应该把这件事埋起来。
I should bury this.
我应该像互联网上那些其他愚蠢的婊子一样，把这种版本的自己藏起来，顺便说一句，我能直接说点什么吗？
I should hide this version of myself from the universe like all these other dumb bitches on the Internet, like all these other dumb bitches on the Internet, which, by the way, can I just fucking say something?
这些婊子，我受够了。
These bitches, I'm done.
明白吗？
Okay?
那些跳过、消散的精彩片段版本。
The versions of, like, the highlights of the skipping, of the, like, dissipation.
这简直是胡说八道。
It's such bullshit.
没人能做到百分之百真实。
Nobody's keeping it fucking one hundo.
我想看到好的一面，也想看到糟糕的一面。
I wanna see the good shit, and I wanna see the bad shit.
我想看到你面瘫的样子。
I wanna see you with facial paralysis.
我想看到你，你知道的，假发片掉出来的样子。
I wanna see you, you know, with your hair extensions out.
我想知道发生了什么、为什么发生、什么时候发生的。
I wanna hear about what happened, why, and when.
我不参与那些不保持真实、却靠此获利的女人们的经济收益。
And I'm not I am not participating in these bitches financial gain who are not keeping it one hundo.
明白吗？
Okay?
我不想再看到了。
I don't wanna see it anymore.
这不符合时代潮流，我也不参与。
It's not of the times, and I'm not participating.
这太蠢了。
It's stupid.
这他妈太蠢了。
It is fucking stupid.
你懂的？
You know?
人人都在说闲话。
Everyone's like, keep talking shit.
继续领支票吧。
Keep cashing those checks.
别因为活得太过精心而沾沾自喜，因为你离被生活掀翻、甩在路边的水龙头旁，就差一步了——这只是一个比喻，明白吗？
Don't be so comfortable being so curated, period, because you are one are one water fountain away from getting, this is a metaphor, okay, blown over by life, teetered over on the side of the fucking road.
所以，这就是我绕着弯子想说的：没错，我是个糟糕的人，但你知道吗？
So that's my roundabout way of saying that, yes, I'm a terrible person, but guess what?
这儿没有任何该死的秘密。
No fucking secrets over here.
没有任何秘密。
No secrets.
没有任何精心策划。
No curation.
天啊。
Oh my god.
我出汗了。
I'm sweating.
我刚才说什么来着？
What was I saying?
好吧。
Okay.
回到那个骑自行车的女人身上。
Back to the woman on the bike.
兰斯·阿姆斯特朗。
Lance Armstrong.
所以这个女人摇摇欲坠。
So this woman is teetering over.
明白吗？
Okay?
她的购物袋里的东西全掉出来了。
Her her groceries fall out of the basket.
她浑身湿透了。
She's soaking wet.
我坐在车里笑得前仰后合，完全停不下来。
I'm obviously completely inconsolable, laughing my ass off in my car.
我拐了右转。
I make the right hand turn.
我说，杰姬，这就是我的道德困境。
I said, Jackie, this was my moral my moral dilemma.
我们是继续开车，任由泪水流淌，还是靠边停车，锁好车，做件好事？
Do we just keep driving while the tears are flowing, or do we pull over, lock it up, and do a good deed?
你知道我做了什么吗？
And you know what I did?
我靠边停车了。
I pulled over.
我哭了大约四十六秒。
I had a good cry for about forty six seconds.
我把车锁好了。
I locked that shit up.
我下了车，对那位女士说：‘夫人，您还好吗？’
I got out of my car, and I said, ma'am, are you okay?
这很难。
And it was hard.
他就像
He's like
我透过后视镜一看，心想：天哪。
I'm, like, looking in the rearview, and I'm like, oh god.
她就不能骑上那该死的自行车慢悠悠回家吗？
Can't she just get on that fucking bike and saunter home?
这也太慢了吧。
It's just taking so long.
哦，现在她知道我要帮她了。
Oh, now she knows I'm gonna help her.
万一我得载她一程怎么办？
What if I have to give her a ride?
我们都知道，善举总会有代价。
No good deed goes unpunished as we know.
于是我坐在车里。
So I'm sitting in the car.
我盯着后视镜看。
I'm looking in the rearview mirror.
我希望她能轻快地跳回那匹马，骑回家去。
I'm I'm hoping that she's just gonna sprightly hop back on that horse and pedal her ass back home.
但没有，她故意拖延时间。
But no, she's milking it.
所以我下了车，一边走一边憋着，还捏着自己。
So I get out of the car and I'm like by the way, holding it in, like pinching myself.
这就是我不得不假装共情和善意时要做的事。
This is what I have to do when I have to fake moments of empathy and kindness.
我会这么做：我会捂着我的背。
What I'll do is I'll I'll hold, like, my back.
比如狠狠捏自己一下，就为了别让自己彻底崩溃。
Like, I'll pinch myself, like, hard to just, like, stop myself from completely unraveling.
所以我下了车。
So I get out of the car.
我说：‘女士，您还好吗？’
I'm like, ma'am, are you okay?
她就说，天哪。
And she's like, oh my gosh.
你看到了吗？
Like, did you see that?
我不知道。
I don't know.
顺便说一下，她没有口音。
She didn't have an accent, by the way.
但为了好玩，我们给她加个口音。
But for the sake of sport, we're gonna give her one.
明白吗？
Okay?
我就说，我知道。
And I'm like, I know.
我的意思是，这个喷泉到底怎么了？
I mean, what is with this fountain?
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你能相信这么大的风吗？
Can you believe these winds?
我的天，现在可是冬天啊。
I mean, it's winter, for fuck's sake.
她说：我浑身都湿透了。
She's like, I'm drenched.
我说：我知道。
And I'm like, I know.
你不能上我的车。
You can't get in my car.
座椅是焦糖色的皮革。
The leather is cognac.
她说：我没事。
And she's like, I'm fine.
我没事。
I'm fine.
我说，你没伤到自己吧。
I'm like, you didn't hurt yourself.
对吧？
Right?
暗中帮忙。
Secretly help.
然后我说，脚踝扭伤了。
And then I'm like, sprained ankle.
我在开玩笑。
I'm joking.
我说，你养了只德国牧羊犬。
I'm like, you got a German shepherd.
所以我再问一次，只是为了看起来好看点。
So I ask one more time just to, like, for optics.
如果有人开车经过，这可是我 neighborhood 一个挺热闹的十字路口。
If anyone's driving by, it's kind of a popular intersection in my neighborhood.
我当时想，《婊子圣经》播客，她做慈善从家开始。
I'm like, bitch bible podcast, she gives back charity starts at home.
永远别忘了。
Never forget it.
帮助老人。
Helping the elderly.
别那么俗气。
Don't be tacky.
投杰姬一票，社区协会主席，管她呢。
Vote for Jackie, HOA president, whatever.
她还说，哎呀，亲爱的，我没事。
And she's like, oh, honey, I'm fine.
别担心。
No worries.
她让我在回家的路上冷静了下来。
Cooled me down for my ride home.
我心想，你这个老太婆真逗。
I'm like, you're so funny, old bitch.
然后我就继续我的路，从后视镜里看了看她，立刻给安德鲁打了电话，哭得不能自已。
And just kept on my merry way, checked in on her through the rearview mirror, called Andrew immediately, inconsolably crying.
他问：‘一切都还好吗？’
He's like, is everything okay?
我说：‘天啊。’
I'm like, oh my god.
你绝对猜不到发生了什么。
You're never gonna believe what happened.
他问：‘一切都还好吗？’
He's like, is everything okay?
我说：‘是的。’
I'm like, yes.
一切都棒极了。
Everything's amazing.
我开车回家的时候，遇到一位老妇人，简直像一场社会保障海啸。
So I was driving home, and this old woman I was like, it was like a Social Security tsunami.
他问我，你到底怎么了？
He's like, what is wrong with you?
我说，我不知道。
Like, I don't know.
飓风临终关怀。
Hurricane hospice.
飓风临终关怀。
Hurricane hospice.
我就是停不下来。
I and I just couldn't stop.
然后我给所有人打了电话。
And then I called everyone.
我给我妹妹打了电话。
I called my sister.
我给我最好的朋友打了电话。
I called my best friend.
我当时说，猜怎么着？
I was like, guess what?
他们都跟我说，你精神有问题。
And they're all like, you're mentally ill.
我说，祝你今天愉快。
And I'm like, have a great day.
星期三快乐，姐妹们。
Happy Wednesday, Hags.
我太喜欢这个赞助商了。
I love this sponsor so much.
好吧。
Okay.
Merit Beauty，我爱你们。
Merit Beauty, I love you.
有时候，越多并不意味着越好。
Sometimes more is not more.
明白吗？
Okay?
想想我那套受米西·艾莉奥特启发的丝巾造型格莱美派对穿搭吧。
Just think about my Missy Elliott adjacent bandana Grammys party outfit.
明白吗？
Okay?
如果从那个决定中学到了什么，那就是有时候少才是真正多。
If there's anything I learned from that decision, it's that sometimes less really is more.
明白吗？
Okay?
这一点也同样适用于化妆。
And that also applies to makeup.
你永远看不到我做二十步的护肤流程。
You will never see me doing a 20 step routine.
好吧？
Okay?
一抹眼影、一道眼线、一根睫毛，再加上渐变唇色。
With a cut and a crease and an eyelash and ombre lip.
求你了，别这样了。
Please stop.
好吧？
Okay?
现在都2023年了，梅丽莎。
It's not 2016, Melissa.
最棒的妆容是自然又精致的，五分钟内就能完成，这就是我钟爱Merit Beauty的原因。
The best looks are natural put together and can be achieved in less than five minutes, which is why I love Merit Beauty.
我真心爱死Merit Beauty的产品了。
I am so genuinely in love with Merit Beauty's products.
好吧？
Okay?
这款红润膏，世界上没有任何腮红能比得上它。
The flush balm, there is no greater blush in the universe than that flush balm.
我爱比佛利山庄。
I love Beverly Hills.
我爱斯德哥尔摩。
I love Stockholm.
我喜欢把两者结合一下，现在我觉得有点辣。
I do like a little blend of the two, and I'm feeling spicy.
还有，他们的护肤产品简直不可思议。
Also, like, their skincare products are unbelievable.
我喜欢这款红润膏，因为它看起来就像天生的肌肤。
I love the flush balm because it just looks like skin.
但作为妆前打底，他们有一款精华液。
But as a base for makeup, they have a serum.
它叫Merit Great Skin Serum，非常好用。
It's called the Merit Great Skin Serum, and it is beautiful.
好吧？
Okay?
它能丰盈、保湿，让你肌肤呈现水润光泽。
It plumps, it hydrates, it gives you a dewy look.
它是上妆的绝佳底妆。
It's such a great foundation for makeup.
他们所有的产品，十分满分。
All of their products, 10 out of 10.
我没骗你。
I'm not lying.
现在就亲自试试吧。
Try it for yourself right now.
Merit Beauty 正在为我们的听众提供首次订单免费赠送的标志性化妆包，访问 meritbeauty.com 即可领取。
Merit Beauty is offering our listeners their signature makeup bag with your first order at meritbeauty.com.
访问 meritbeauty.com，首次下单即可免费获得你的标志性化妆包。
That's meritbeauty.com to get your free signature makeup bag with your first order.
Meritbeauty.com。
Meritbeauty.com.
虽然我不太像那种喜欢情人节的人，因为那天是安德鲁的生日，而且你知道，应该全部围绕着我才对。
As much as I'm not like a Valentine's Day girl because it's Andrew's birthday and like it just, you know, it should be all about me.
我总是乐意买新衣服。
I'm always down to buy a new outfit.
好的。
Okay.
那我去哪儿买？
And where do I go?
Revolve。
Revolve.
Revolve 简直是人这一辈子唯一需要购物的地方。
Revolve is literally the only place anyone ever needs to shop for the rest of their life.
好的。
Okay.
发货速度真快。
The shipping is so fast.
退货也特别简单。
The returns are so easy.
而且选品也太丰富了，你再也找不到别的地方有这么全的款式。
And also just like the selection, you will not find this selection anywhere else.
我得告诉你，我甚至开始从Revolve订购家居用品了，比如超美的餐具。
I gotta tell you, I've even started ordering, like, home products from Evolve, like, beautiful, like, dishes.
我买了Missoni的沙滩毛巾。
I got Missoni beach towels.
他们有我所有喜欢的品牌。
They carry all of my favorite brands.
Ateco、Isabelle Marant、Helsa，还有我最爱的Missoni，全都有。
The Ateco, Isabelle Marant, Helsa, the favorites, Missoni.
我的天，什么都有。
I mean, everything.
他们什么都有。
They carry everything.
太疯狂了。
It's insane.
明白吗？
Okay?
我超爱Lamarck的皮短裤。
I love the Lamarck leather shorts.
我的天，我都能说个没完。
I mean, I could just go on and on.
LaPointe，LaQuan Smith。
LaPointe, LaQuan Smith.
咱们能在这儿聊一整天。
Like, we could be here all day.
无论是短途旅行、重要约会，还是急需更新衣橱，你梦想中的穿搭，只需一键即可拥有。
Whether it's a weekend away, a big night out, or just a much needed wardrobe refresh, your dream wardrobe is just one click away.
前往 revolve.com/bitch。
Head to revolve.com/bitch.
选购我的精选单品。
Shop my edit.
使用代码 bitch，首单立享 15% 折扣。
Take 15% off your first order with code bitch.
快速两天送达，支持轻松退换。
Fast two day shipping, easy returns.
这简直是唯一你需要购物的网站。
It's literally the only place you need to shop from.
就是 revolve.com/bitch，选购我的最爱，使用代码 bitch 首单享 15% 折扣。
That's revolve.com/bitch to shop my favorites and get 15% off your first order with code bitch.
优惠截止到 3 月 7 日，祝您购物愉快。
Offer ends March 7, so happy shopping.
你知道吗，这一周我简直是个婊子，真的特别他妈的刻薄。
You know, I've been such a cunt all week, just such a fucking bitch.
我过得特别开心，感觉宇宙正在奖励我在 bullshit 前线的勇气。
And I'm having the best time, and I feel like the universe is rewarding me for my bravery on the front lines of bullshit.
你知道吗，杰姬，整天每时每刻都当一个婊子，只为让全世界消费，很难吗？
And, you know, Jackie, is it hard being such a cunt just out for the world to consume all day, every day?
是的。
Yes.
但总得有人来做这件事。
But somebody has to do it.
总得有人在某些平台、某些时候做真实的自己。
Somebody has to be themselves on some platform, some of the fucking time.
如果必须由我来扮丑、说些糟糕的话、做真实的自己，那我会继续这么做。
And if it has to be me looking ugly, saying terrible things, being myself, I'm going to continue to do so.
所以我希望每个人都能支持我这段旅程。
So I hope that everyone will just, you know, support me on this journey.
十四年深蹲。
Fourteen years deep pose.
等等，你看到梅丽莎·伍德·塔珀伯格在公共桑拿房里穿着单肩网眼泳衣跳舞的视频了吗？她还特意在公共场所架好了三脚架。
Wait, did you see the video of Melissa Wood Tupperberg in a public sauna in a thong one shoulder bathing suit with mesh inserts and a tripod set up in a public venue dancing to see as unstoppable.
闭上眼睛。
Close your eyes.
闭上眼睛。
Close your eyes.
我所向披靡。
I'm unstoppable.
她说，每个人都有那么一首歌，能点燃内心的火焰，让人不断前行，找到内在的自爱与力量。
And she's like, everyone's got that song that lights a fire from within and keeps them moving and finding their inner self love and strength.
而我却说，姐妹，你居然带了三脚架去健身房。
And I'm like, bitch, you brought a tripod to the gym.
闭嘴。
Shut up.
明白吗？
Okay?
我不会从你那里接受生活，也不会接受生活中的教训。
I'm not taking life and I'm not taking life lessons from you.
明白吗？
Okay?
我和我的面部麻痹状态相处得很好。
Me and my facial paralysis are good.
今天早上我们没带三脚架。
We didn't pack the tripod this morning.
随便吧。
Whatever.
今天还发生了另一件事，除了Sia那首《Unstoppable》一直在我的耳膜里狂轰滥炸。
Another thing that happened today besides Sia's unstoppable just gang banging me in my eardrums.
莱奥。
Leo.
莱奥戴着伊丽莎白圈，因为他一直抓挠，得了酵母菌感染。
Leo has a cone on because he's been scratching and he's got a yeast infection.
如果有谁想知道，Leo依然健在，这给我的家庭带来了许多负面能量，因为Leo已经大约14岁了。
For anyone wondering, Leo is still very much with us, and it's created a lot of toxic energy in my household because Leo is about 14 years old.
他有很多健康问题。
He has a lot of health issues.
他几乎被药物控制到让人感到心酸的地步。
He's basically medicated to a point that is just it's just sad.
你知道，他还陪着我们。
You know, he's with us.
他挺好的。
He's fine.
我们已经彻底改变了做法。
We've done a one eighty.
但六个月前，我和安德鲁必须谈一次，当时我说，这只狗太痛苦了。
But me and Andrew had to have a conversation about six months ago where I was like, this dog is miserable.
他整天都在尖叫，每天都像在痛苦中翻滚。
He is shrieking all day, every day, like writhing in pain.
现在我们彻底改变了做法。
Now we've done a one eighty.
我们带他去看了一位专家，花了84000美元后，她重获新生。
We took him to a specialist, you know, $84,000 later, she got a new lease on life.
Stella恢复了活力，但我和Andrew不得不认真谈一次，讨论我们接下来该怎么办，因为Leo实在太痛苦了。
Stella got her groove back, but me and Andrew had to have, like, a really serious conversation about, like, what we're gonna do because Leo was just so miserable.
你们都不知道，我们连床都不想下，也不吃饭。
You guys, like, wouldn't get out of bed, wasn't eating.
他现在好多了。
He's fine now.
谢天谢地。
Thank God.
我们非常爱他。
We love him so much.
但我和Andrew说，如果这种情况继续下去，我们可能得跟医生谈谈我们的选择。
But, you know, I said to Andrew, I'm like, if this continues, we might want to talk to the doctor about our options.
他说，这跟我即将读的PETA邮件简直太配了。
He goes, this is going to go really great with my PETA email I'm about to read.
我当时想，我实在没法眼睁睁看着他整天恶化、痛苦地尖叫。
I'm like, I can't physically watch him, like, deteriorate and shriek in pain all day long, shrieking.
你不懂。
You don't understand.
那真的太令人心酸了。
It was so sad.
他把自己头发都扯掉了。
He's ripping his hair out.
我的意思是，简直像口吐白沫一样。
I mean, it was just like foaming at the mouth.
好吧。
Okay.
我把安德鲁叫到一旁，因为他有创伤。
And I sat Andrew down because he has trauma.
我当时说，听着，如果这个新医生也没用，莱奥整天还是疼得尖叫，我们只是靠药物来维持他的稳定，那他的生活质量就太差了。
I was like, listen, if if this new doctor doesn't work and Leo is still shrieking in pain all day and we're just medicating him to just stabilize him, he doesn't have a quality of life.
他很痛苦。
He's in pain.
这对他的肾脏不好， blah, blah, blah。
It's bad for his kidneys, like blah, blah, blah.
安德鲁说，绝对不行。
Andrew goes, absolutely not.
我对安德鲁说，我不是迈克尔·维克那样的人。
I said, Andrew, this is not like I'm not Michael Vick over here.
我只是说，如果他痛苦，我们应该优先考虑他的心理健康，而不是你的抛弃焦虑。
I'm just saying if he's in pain, we should we should prioritize his own his mental well-being above your abandonment issues.
我们后来吵了起来，那是一场单方面的争执。
And we just got in this it was a one-sided fight.
我冲他大喊，说他把自己的心理创伤投射到了我们受苦的狗身上。
It was me screaming at him about how he's projecting his personal traumas onto our suffering dog.
幸运的是，我们带他去看了一位新医生，他仿佛重获新生。
Luckily, we took him to a new doctor, a new lease on life.
他现在完全没事了。
He's totally fine.
但就像我上周说的，安德鲁，你会让我植物人状态维持六十年。
But like I said last week, I'm like, Andrew, you would have me in a vegetative state for sixty years.
我会成为那个沉默的病人。
Like, I would be the silent patient.
明白吗？
Okay?
但请你重写一下这个剧情。
But, like, rewrite the plot line.
你会一直照顾我，每天给我换衣服。
You would be keeping me you'd be changing my outfit every day.
我会彻底变成一个植物人，心跳停止，而你却会试图抢救我十六次。
I'd be a full blown vegetable flatlining, and you'd try to resuscitate me 16 times.
因此，安德鲁今后不会再是我的紧急联系人。
Hence, why Andrew is not going to be my emergency contact moving forward.
明白吗？
Okay?
他会让我像一具干枯的尸体一样瘫在家里，几十年都不采取任何健康措施。
He would have me posted up in the home like a dead dehydrated carcass, okay, for decades before he pulled any type of health initiative.
他完全没有积极应对健康问题的意识，这确实是我必须面对的问题。
He's got no fight or flight assertive health condition energy, and that's just, you know, it's something that I'm gonna have to deal with.
那谁会成为我的紧急联系人呢？
Who's gonna be my emergency contact?
我不知道。
I don't know.
也许这就是我最近想重新联系一些人的原因。
Maybe that's why I'm so interested in rekindling recently.
不是浪漫意义上的，而是我碰到了一位高中同学，不是特别要好的朋友，只是小时候认识的人。
Not romantically, but, you know, I ran into someone I went to high school with, not like a close friend of mine, but someone that I just knew growing up.
就在一个半小时前。
And just like an hour and a half ago.
我们聊了一会儿。
And we were chatting.
她有个年幼的女儿。
She's got a young daughter.
我有克莱德。
I have Clyde.
我们只是聊了聊近况。
We were just like catching up about everything.
她问我：你还和学校里的每个人保持联系吗？
And she says to me, Do you still keep in touch with everyone from school?
我当时说：是的。
And I was like, Yeah.
她又问：真的吗？
And she goes, Really?
谁？
Like who?
我说，真的是所有人。
And I'm like, Literally, like everyone.
她说，这太疯狂了。
She goes, That's so crazy.
我说，是吗？
And I'm like, Is it?
我没和任何人联系过好多年了。
Like, yeah, I haven't spoken to anyone in years.
我说，也许这是你的问题。
I'm like, well, maybe that's a you thing.
也许你是个该死的混蛋。
Like, maybe you're a fucking bitch.
她说的是某某、丹、布里安娜、伊万、纳特，还有我小学时认识的所有人。
And she's like, so and so and like Dan and like Brianna and Evan and Nat and like all the people that I went to elementary school with.
我当时就说，是的，婊子。
And I was like, yeah, bitch.
我们依然经常在一起。
We all still hang.
完全是的。
Like, a 100%.
上周还见了某某，当然聊了。
Saw so and so last week, talked to her that like, of course.
她只是说，哇。
And she was just like, wow.
我为你感到骄傲。
I'm so proud of you.
她说，我为你感到骄傲。
She says, I'm so proud of you.
我心里想，到底是谁伤害了你？
And I thought to myself, who the fuck hurt you?
你在说什么？
What are you talking about?
我是说，我跟人打交道，就像你拿错杂志了似的。
Like, I'm rubbing elbows like you got the wrong magazine.
我不知道你在扯什么。
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
但没错，幸运的是，我和每个人都还是朋友。
But yes, fortunately, still friends with everyone.
这些家伙真甩不掉。
Can't get rid of these fuckers.
好吧。
Okay.
或者准确地说，他们 probably 甩不掉我。
Or actually, they probably can't get rid of me.
你知道拥有老朋友的好处是什么吗？
You know what the beauty of having old friends is?
首先，这意味着你不是个彻头彻尾的混蛋，因为你至少还能信任一些有老朋友的人。
First of all, it means you're not a total piece of shit because you can't trust anyone that's got no old friends.
我理解，比如环境因素。
And I understand, like circumstances.
我有个朋友，交往时间很短，但她总说自己从小到大一直被欺负，所以根本不和任何同学来往。
I had this friend short, short lived, but she would always talk about how she was bullied and she was bullied her whole life, and she doesn't speak to anyone that she went to school with.
你知道吗，大概一年内我就摸清了这个婊子的底细。
You know, I kind of I got the rundown on this bitch within about a year.
我当时就想，我早就看穿你了。
I was like, I got you clocked.
我觉得你他妈的就是个贱人。
I think you're a fucking cunt.
但她总是说，所有人都伤害过她，某某是婊子，某某嫉妒她，某某欺负她，诸如此类，没完没了。
But she was always, like, talking about how everyone had hurt her, and so and so's a bitch, and this person's jealous of her, and this person bullied her, and blah blah blah blah blah.
明白吗？
Okay?
关键是这一点。
And here's the thing.
你高中时过得艰难很正常。
You can have a rough go in high school.
很多人都是如此。
A lot of people do.
但被欺负的人依然会有朋友。
But people who are bullied still have friends.
明白吗？
Okay?
如果你必须把身边所有人都孤立出去，那说明在我个人看来，所谓的成长其实有点被高估了，但人确实会成长和改变。
And if you have to ostracize everyone around you, it means that you're, you know, obviously growth, in my personal opinion, slightly overrated, but people grow and change.
但当你能和那些与你有历史渊源的人做到这一点，这才是多么美好的事。
But when you can do that with people that you have history with, what a beautiful thing.
明白吗？
Okay?
这件事另一件很棒的地方是，他们记得那些你深埋在潜意识里的事情。
Another great thing about it is that they remember things that you've buried so deep in your subconscious.
上周，我提到过我不是那种喜欢涂指甲油的女孩。
Last week, I was talking about how I'm not a I'm not a nail polish girl.
比如，我根本分不清指甲油的颜色。
Like, I don't know nail colors.
明白吗？
Okay?
我随缘选。
I go with God.
风的颜色，《风中奇缘》里的那种。
Colors of the wind Pocahontas.
我就随便挑一个，或者说，给我个裸色吧。
I just kinda pick one or I say, give me nude.
就给我这个。
Give me this.
给我一种粪便棕色。
Give me a fecal brown.
我不知道。
I don't know.
好吧？
Okay?
这真的惹恼了很多人。
And that really upset people.
我的意思是，有那么多从TikTok冒出来的人，因为我调侃那些过于执着于标志性指甲油颜色和婚礼展厅墙的人，而对我大加抨击。
I mean, the amount of people that have come out of the woodworks of TikTok to rip my ass apart over making fun of people who are overly into a, you know, signature nail color and also wedding gallery walls.
我是自己掏钱买的。
Like, I paid for them.
我想做什么就做什么。
I'll do what I want.
顺便说一下，我已经结婚二十三年了。
Just for your information, I've been married twenty three years.
我有多张婚礼照片，而且我从未如此快乐过。
I have multiple wedding photos, and I've never been happier.
就像说，是的，你在TikTok上对一个陌生人展示的那段文字看起来真的很开心。
It's like, yeah, you seem really joyous with your paragraph on TikTok to a stranger.
这只是一个笑话。
It's a joke.
有点幽默感吧。
Get a sense of humor.
如果你蠢到连这只是一个笑话都看不出来，你的生活能有多美好呢？
How great of a life could you really have if you're so fucking stupid that you don't get that it's a joke?
如果你对如此无害的事情反应如此个人化，你的生活能有多美好呢？
And if you take something so benign, so personally, how great of a life could you really have?
因为你眼界太窄了。
Because you're limited.
你知道为什么吗？
You know why?
因为你没有用风的颜色来作画。
Because you're not painting with all the colors of the wind.
你的视野很有限。
You have a limited.
你的色彩选择非常、非常有限。
You have a very, very limited color palette.
因为如果你不懂幽默，我向你保证，你在这里并不会真正快乐，因此，你的生活也不可能有多好。
Because if you're not funny, I promise you I promise you, you're not having that much fun here, and therefore, your life can't be that great.
这仅仅是我在帮你。
This is just me helping you.
你该怎么帮助一个完全没有幽默感的人呢？
How do you help someone who has a terrible sense of humor?
你做不到。
You can't.
幽默是教不会的。
You can't teach funny.
你有这天赋，就没有；没这天赋，就真没有。
You either got it or you don't got it.
想象一下，如果你听这个播客，你自然就会拥有超棒的幽默感，毕竟我们都做了十四年了。
Imagine if you listen to this podcast, you naturally have an amazing sense of humor because we're hello, fourteen years deep.
但你想象一下，想象一下，没有幽默感是怎么过完这一生的。
But imagine, just imagine, like, not being funny and getting through life.
怎么做到的？
How?
你每天是怎么熬过来的？
How do you get through the days?
只要有足够的伏特加和道德弹性，任何事都能变得好笑。
Everything can be funny with enough vodka and moral flexibility.
好好想想这句话。
Sit with that for a second.
我刚才在说什么来着？
What was I saying?
对。
Right.
所以我最老的好朋友布里安娜，上周我发了那个视频，就是关于指甲油的那个，突然在TikTok上爆火了，她说：‘别瞎折腾了，一群loser。’
So my oldest best friend, Brianna, she said to me last week when I posted the video of the whatever, the nail color thing that just really blew up the tickety talks like get a fucking life, losers.
Loser。
Losers.
昨晚我一直都在私信里回击那些人。
I've been clapping back in the DMs to like all last night.
我玩得特别开心。
It was so I had the best time.
她问我：‘你在干嘛？’
And she's like, what are you doing?
因为我一激动就会有点咬合过深，然后脸上的红血丝就开始发作。
Because I get like a little overbite and I start getting a little rosacea flare up.
接着我的指节就开始抽搐，总是在深夜，我躺在床上，裹着我那条舒适的双层被子，穿着一套得体的睡衣。
And then my phalanges start twitching and it's always like late at night and I'm in bed and I'm in my cozy, like my cozy double duvet and like a sensible set of pajamas.
我就在评论区里大闹一场，跟陌生人互撕，因为你知道吗？
And I'm just popping off the pages, like just getting in the mud with a stranger because you know what?
如果你说我又丑，我的下巴填充物看起来不好，那我就直接去你主页找茬。
If you say that I'm ugly and that my chin filler doesn't look good, like I'm gonna pop over to your page.
我会去看看，看看Lou。
I'm gonna take a look, see Lou.
明白吗？
Okay?
我不会喜欢我看到的东西，因为除非你是吉赛尔·邦辰，否则这叫反向米歇尔·奥巴马。
And I'm not gonna like what I'm looking at because unless you are Giselle Bunchen, it's called a reverse Michelle Obama.
你敢低俗，我就钻进那污水系统，拿个费雪普莱斯的小铲子开始疯狂挖粪。
You go low, I will get in that sewage system, okay, with a Fisher Price shovel and I'll start fucking digging.
明白吗？
Okay?
我会拿你的狗说事儿。
I'll talk shit about your dog.
我会说你婚礼场地的坏话。
I'll talk shit about your wedding venue.
我会说你丈夫的坏话。
I'll talk shit about your husband.
我会抓住任何我能用我那泡泡浴小爪子抓到的东西来诋毁。
I'll talk shit about anything I can grasp my little bubble bath talons into.
明白吗？
Okay?
我会搞砸你的星期四，所以根本不值得。
And I'm gonna fuck up your Thursday, so it's just not worth it.
明白吗？
Okay?
因为很多人想置身事外。
Because a lot of people wanna be above it.
只讲正能量。
Good vibes only.
我不会让那种能量进入我的空间。
I don't let that energy into my space.
明白吗？
Okay?
我四重绝缘。
I am quadruple insulated.
你碰不到我。
You can't touch me.
不管你说什么，一个丑陋的陌生人，明白吗，都不会毁了我的一天。
There's nothing that you're going to say, an ugly stranger, okay, that's gonna fuck up my day.
昨天我去石料场看了水磨石。
I was at the stoneyard yesterday looking at terrazzo.
我没时间，但我其实有大把时间，这让我很开心。
I don't have time, except I have tons of time, and it gives me joy.
所以去你的，还有你那丑陋的家人。
So fuck you and your ugly fucking family.
我来找你了，而且我会觉得非常痛快。
I'm coming for you, and I'm gonna feel good about it.
所以别跟老虎较劲，除非你真想被爪子抓花脸，就为了提升你的审美——因为你是个丑陋的失败者。
So don't tussle with a tiger unless you wanna get clawed in the fucking face only to improve your aesthetic because you're an ugly loser.
谢谢。
Thank you.
再见。
Goodbye.
我刚才想说什么来着？
What was I trying to say?
哦，天啊。
Oh, God.
哦，我的朋友布里安娜让我想起了一段核心记忆：在我婚礼那天，她说那是最令人失望的场景。
Oh, so my friend, Brianna, she she unlocked a core memory for me that on the day of my wedding, Okay, she said it was the most jilting visual.
在我走上红毯前两个小时，我们都正在准备。
Two hours before I walked down the aisle, Okay, we're all getting ready.
她是我的伴娘之一。
She's one of my bridesmaids.
她看到我在自己的酒店房间里，就在婚礼当天，离走上红毯还有两小时，自己涂指甲油，那还是我当天早上通过DoorDash从CVS订的。
She caught me painting my own nails, Okay, in my own hotel room on my own wedding day two hours before walking down the aisle with nail polish that I DoorDashed from CVS the morning of.
我真的一边在DoorDash上下单，一边写了‘裸色指甲油’。
I literally went on DoorDash and I wrote nude nail color nail polish.
然后我挑了几款，让它们送到我的酒店房间，在我自己的婚礼当天给自己做了一次马虎的美甲。
And then I just picked a few, had them dropped off at my hotel room and gave myself a horse manicure on my fucking wedding day.
我现在还会这么做吗？
Would I do that now?
当然不会。
Of course not.
好吧。
Okay.
那时候日子很难熬。
Times were tough.
当时的预算不一样。
Budgets were different.
我的信息，你知道的，那时候我还没打肉毒杆菌。
My intel I I you know, I didn't have Botox back then.
我不知道什么是Biogel或者俄罗斯美甲。
I didn't know what Biogel was or Russian manicures.
我是个简单的女孩，用简单的CVS速干指甲油做着简单的事，我们都爱这样的她。
I was a simple girl doing simple things with a simple CVS fast dry nail, and we love her for it.
我们感谢Brianna让我想起了这些。
We love Brianna for reminding me.
我当时在吃鸡块。
I was having a chicken tender.
不是开玩笑。
No joke.
明白吗？
Okay?
如果我撒谎，就让我立刻死去吧。
May I be stricken dead if I'm lying?
我整天吃着鸡块，喝着海尼根。
I was having chicken tenders, Heineken's all day long.
好的。
Okay.
马尾辫夹着一点亮片，再涂上Dazzle Dry或Insta-Dry的Sally Hansen Rogue，通过DoorDash送来的指甲油。
A clip in pony and some dazzle dry, insta dry Sally Hansen rogue DoorDash nails.
这就是我们喜欢她的原因。
And that's why we love her.
好吧，我是个习惯性的人。
Okay, I am a creature of habit.
即使上周我去了一次派对，99.8%的时间里，我还是更愿意待在家里。
And even though I went to one party last week, 99.8% of the time, I would rather be at home.
好吧，现在是寒冬时节。
Okay, it's the dead of winter.
我在冬眠呢，宝贝。
I'm hibernating, baby.
好的。
Okay.
现在有一种全新的方式，可以让你放慢节奏、放松身心，并在早晨感到真正地神清气爽。
And there's a new way to slow down, unwind and feel genuinely amazing in the morning.
这就是Vesper——它最新推出的产品。
And that's what peaks newest creation, the Vesper.
对很多人来说，包括我自己，放松的默认方式就是喝酒。
For many people, myself included, the default way to unwind is booze.
但之后你得面对睡眠被打乱、早晨昏昏沉沉、隐隐的焦虑这些问题。
But then you have to deal with disrupted sleep, foggy morning, subtle anxiety.
我正在努力在工作日不喝酒，但我仍然需要一种仪式感，比如喝点味道不错的东西，帮助我在瓷砖店忙活一整天后放松下来。
I'm trying not to drink during the weeks, but I still need like the ritual of something that tastes good that helps me relax after, you know, a day of schlepping at the tile store.
这款Vesper简直不可思议。
This Vesper is so unbelievable.
这是我 personally 喝过最好的适应原饮品。
It is the best kind of like adaptogen drink that I have personally tasted.
它不甜。
It's not sugary.
它也不是那种过分刻意的无酒精鸡尾酒。
It's not, like, overly condescendingly mocktail y.
它太好喝了。
It's so good.
它特别清爽。
It's so just refreshing.
这是完美的晚间仪式。
It's the perfect evening ritual.
它含有L-茶氨酸、酸樱桃、柠檬香蜂草和接骨木花。
It's got L theanine tart cherry lemon balm and elderflower.
它有助于安抚身心。
It helps calm the body, the mind.
这是一种你真正能感受到的神经系统支持。
It's nervous system support that you can actually feel.
它就像鸡尾酒的所有好处，却没有任何负面作用。
It's like all the benefits of a cocktail without any of the downsides.
我得告诉你，我昨晚喝了一杯。
And I gotta tell you, I had one last night.
我睡得像婴儿一样香。
I slept like a baby.
我醒来时感觉棒极了。
I woke up feeling amazing.
我真心推崇Peak产品，我会为Peak坚持到底。
I swear by any peak product, like I will die on the hill for peak.
明白吗？
Okay?
求你了，求你了，求你了。
Please, please, please.
如果你正试图戒酒，只是想要在晚上享受一份美好的饮品，那你一定要试试这款Vesper。
If you're trying to like get off the booze and you just want like something beautiful at the end of an evening, you have to try this Vesper.
我会点上一支小蜡烛。
I light a little candle.
我会放上我的故事音频。
I put my stories on.
我给自己倒一杯Vesper，你一定会非常非常开心。
I pour myself a Vesper and you will be so, so happy.
只需尝试一到两周。
Try it in just one to two weeks.
你一定会真正感受到它的益处。
You're gonna really see the benefits.
你会睡得更好，日常紧张感减少，情绪提升，相信我，就试一试吧。
You're gonna sleep better, less daily tension, improved mood, And trust me, just try it.
坚持有意识地放松，终身享受10%折扣，通过peaklife.com/bible建立更健康的生活方式。
Commit to intentional unwinding, unlock 10% off for life and establish a healthier relationship with your evenings at peaklife.com/bible.
那就是 piquelife.com/bible。
That is piquelife.com/bible.
我新担任PETA品牌大使的一些有趣进展。
Some fun new developments for my new brand ambassadorship with PETA.
上周，我谈到了莎宾娜·卡彭特在格莱美奖上的表演，她那只星星鸟在她手上拉了屎，一下子成了焦点。
Last week, I talked about Sabrina Carpenter's performance at the Grammys with her, you know, star bird that shat on her hand and got a taste of the limelight.
我其实没看出这有什么冲突。
Didn't really see what the conflict was.
我顺便提了一句，那只鸟能登上格莱美舞台真是幸运，也不太明白PETA为什么非要针对莎宾娜。
And, you know, mentioned it in passing that that bird should be so lucky to be on a Grammy stage and, like, didn't really understand why PETA was coming after Sabrina.
好吧。
Okay.
就在那一集发布后不久，我收到了PETA公关负责人发来的私人邮件。
So promptly after that episode was released, I got a personal email from the head of public relations at PETA.
如果能放点类似莎拉·麦克拉克兰风格的音乐，我想读给你们听。
And I'd like to read it to you if we could cue some Sarah McLaughlin adjacent music.
顺便说一下，他一定会喜欢节目开头那段我讲德国牧羊犬拖着那只老母狗去狗公园的内容。
By the way, he's going to love the top of the show about me talking about the German shepherd dragging the brittle old bitch to the dog park.
但无所谓了。
But whatever.
你好，杰姬。
Hello, Jackie.
我们听了你周二节目里提到PETA的内容。
We heard you mention PETA on Tuesday's episode.
听起来你可能不太了解我们是做什么的，以及我们代表什么。
It sounds like you might not be familiar with what we do and what we stand for.
例如，你可能会惊讶地发现，我们的卧底调查曾促成对虐待动物者的重大虐待动物指控，我们成功解救了数千只狗，使它们脱离了一家臭名昭著的实验室供应商，而且我们在弗吉尼亚州诺福克总部附近为数千只动物提供了低价或免费的绝育和去势服务。
For example, you might be surprised to learn that our undercover investigations have led to landmark cruelty to animal charges against abusers, that we secured the rescue of thousands of dogs from a notoriously crude laboratory industry supplier, and that we have spayed and neutered thousands of animals at low to no cost near our headquarters in Norfolk, Virginia.
我认为，如果你看看PETA帮助动物的各种方式，你会发现我们其实有很多共同点。
I think if you take a look at all the ways PETA helps animals, you will find that we share plenty of common ground.
如果你希望了解更多关于我们工作的信息，请随时与我们联系。
And if you'd ever like any additional information about our work, please don't hesitate to contact us.
我们随时欢迎您的来信。
We'd be happy to hear from you anytime.
此致，韦斯。
Kind regards, Wes.
好的。
Okay.
听好了，我支持PETA。
Listen, I support PETA.
现在我要听起来像凯莉·卡洛尔和本·西蒙了。
Now I'm going to sound like Kelly Kalor and Ben Simone.
我穿皮草吗？
Do I wear fur?
是的。
Yes.
我支持虐待动物吗？
Do I support the abuse of animals?
不。
No.
我吗？
Do I?
好的。
Okay.
我，PETA，感谢你们所做的一切工作。
I, PETA, thank you for all the work that you do.
我认为我们应该让这份工作大放异彩，而不是被一只鸟在格莱美舞台上停留两分半钟这种表演性的细枝末节所掩盖。
I think we let that work shine brightly and not get lost in the performative minutiae of a bird being on the Grammy stage for two and a half minutes.
好吧，紧挨着一位超级巨星。
Okay, next to a superstar.
结束。
The end.
非常感谢。
Thank you so much.
爱你，PETA。
Love you, PETA.
我想谈谈几件事。
I want to talk about a couple of things.
辛迪·斯文尼。
Sydney Sweeney.
辛迪·斯文尼从不休息。
No days off for Sydney Sweeney.
辛迪·斯文尼从不休息。
No days off for Sydney Sweeney.
我的天，我不想说得太深入，但她有些地方真的让我觉得烦。
Like, oh, God, don't want to get too into it, but she bugs me in ways I can't really.
就是那种声音。
It's like kind of the voice.
我觉得，当有人有趣的时候，我说不上来是什么时候。
I'm like, she's I don't know when someone's funny.
我对他们更宽容一些。
I make more allowances for them.
当我觉得某人不好笑时，我就觉得不好笑。
When I think someone's not funny, I just don't.
而且，当然了，你好啊。
And I mean, obviously, hello.
哇。
Wow.
她搞了一个类似预热广告的活动，把胸罩和内裤扔得到处都是，甚至扔到了好莱坞标志上，搞得像悉尼·斯威尼果冻糖一样。
She did a kind of like a teaser ad campaign where she threw bras and panties all over the Hollywood sign that so Sydney Sweeney gummy bears.
这是为了宣传她的新内衣系列，名叫‘协同效应’。
And it was to tease her new on lingerie line, which is called synergy.
首先，罪恶之城。
First, sin city city.
那是什么？
What is it?
悉尼·斯威尼的上帝内衣品牌。
Sydney Sweeney's God lingerie line.
它叫Siren s y r n。
It's called Siren s y r n.
我能跟你说件事吗？
Can I tell you something?
我根本不在乎悉尼·斯威尼今后的任何营销活动。
I don't give negative 13 fucks about any Sydney Sweeney campaigns moving forward.
好吧，我觉得她是个不错的演员。
Okay, I think she's a good actress.
很好。
Great.
我们不需要悉尼·斯威尼再搞一个该死的品牌合作。
We don't need one more fucking brand partnership from Sydney Sweeney.
我们真的不需要。
We just don't.
我很好。
I'm good.
我没事。
I'm Okay.
Baskin Robbins的招牌冰淇淋球让我心动。
The Baskin Robbins signature scoop did it for me.
我对悉尼·斯威尼感到厌倦了，她总是那么古怪，还自己修车。
I I'm oversaturated with a Sydney Sweeney, and she's so quirky, and she fixes her cars.
我根本不关心。
I don't fucking care.
我根本不关心。
I don't fucking care.
现在她拥有了好莱坞最棒的胸部。
And now she's got the best tits in Hollywood.
我讨厌这个。
I hate it.
所以白人特权入门，就在这个世界正在发生的混乱之中，好吧，人们像PETA动物一样被关进笼子。
So white privilege one zero one, amidst the chaos going on in the world, okay, and people being put in cages like PETA animals.
好吧。
Okay.
就在世界上所有不公、所有紧张局势、所有这一切发生的同时，你却去犯下罪行，就在这些极其混乱、糟糕透顶的事情接连发生的时候。
And just everything going on, all the injustice, all of the tensions, all of everything to then to then go basically commit a crime all in the same kind of time that all of these high, just extremely chaotic, like, just terrible things happening in the world.
好吧？
Okay?
然后利用你的名人身份和人们的个人注意力，去把文胸扔到好莱坞标志上，炒作你新推出的内衣系列，你知道这是什么吗？
To then go abuse your celebrity and people's personal bandwidth for you, to go throw bras on the Hollywood sign, to tease your new lingerie drop, feel so you know what it is?
这太蠢了。
It's so stupid.
好吧？
Okay?
这种做法本身就愚蠢至极。
It's it's stupid in execution.
这在小范围和大范围内都很愚蠢。
It's stupid in in, like, the small scope and the big scope.
停一停吧，悉尼·斯威尼。
Like, take a beat, Sydney Sweeney.
现在不是时候。
This is not the time.
我很高兴你能自己修理你那辆老爷车的引擎。
I'm glad that you can, you know, change the engine of your vintage car.
但你能感知到一个社会氛围的温度吗？
But can you read the temperature of a fucking room of a social climate?
在这个当下，没人需要一款蕾丝半罩杯内衣，或者你做你的生意吧。
Nobody needs a lace demi bra in this current climate or do your business.
但咱们别说，就算没这回事，就算你根本没去闯入好莱坞标志扔内衣，哪怕只是说你这么做了，又是为了什么？
But let's not, like, let's not, even if it didn't happen, by the way, even if it didn't happen, even if you didn't go, like, break into the Hollywood Sign and throw bras, even to say that you did just for what?
为了点击量、点赞和存在感，这根本不够聪明。
For clicks, for likes, for relevance, it's just not smart.
我为什么要对别人大喊大叫？
Why do I have to yell at people?
为什么非得让我扛着这些？
Like, why why do I have to carry this?
你知道谁胸特别大吗，悉尼·斯威尼？
You know who has huge tits, Sydney Sweeney?
杰基·席梅尔。
Jackie Schimmel.
好吧。
Okay.
从头到脚都撑得厉害。
Down to her fucking ankles.
我肩膀上留下了永久的压痕。
I have permanent indentation in my shoulders.
你知道为什么吗？
You know why?
因为我正扛着这两团下垂的屁股蛋子，还有整个世界的重量压在肩膀上，告诉你这有多蠢。
Because I'm carrying around these saggy ass tits and the weight of the world on these shoulders telling you why this is stupid.
而且没人相信你正在吃彩虹口味的冰淇淋，配着糖粒蛋筒和软糖熊。
And nobody believes that you're eating rainbow sherbet ice cream with a sprinkle cone and gummy bears.
天啊。
Oh my god.
我真的把自己搞得特别激动。
I really get myself so worked up.
这简直是绝佳的心血管运动。
It's such great cardiovascular.
所以我做了一个悲伤的AMA。
So I did a sad AMA.
在Instagram上问我任何问题，我让这个帖子挂了十三分钟，我会一一回答这些问题，因为你知道，十四年了，建立联系真的很重要。
Ask me anything on Instagram that I left up for thirteen minutes, and I'm just going to answer all these questions because, you know, after fourteen years, it's just so important to connect.
但我并不常这么做。
And I just don't do this often.
我以为这会很有趣。
And I thought it would be fun.
哦，等等。
Oh, wait.
有人告诉我神韵是一个邪教。
Somebody told me that Shen Yun is a cult.
尚未确认。
Not confirmed.
我没做任何研究。
Done no research.
我没打算去了解。
Not looking into it.
还有，有人——我说的是，至少有14个人给我发了这篇文章，讲的是在特定情境下挪用中国文化、把它变成一种健康潮流，比如把自己扮成中国风的“坏女孩”，这种做法对中国人来说非常不尊重。
And also, somebody well and by somebody, I mean, least 14 people sent me this article about how inappropriate it is to appropriate Chinese culture situationally and, like, make it a wellness trend by being like a Chinese baddie and how it's really disrespectful to Chinese people.
我知道，嗯，我明白，但我不会因此感到被冒犯。
I you know, like, sure, I understand, but I wouldn't take offense to it.
我觉得我们可能只是需要冷静下来，这其实是一件好事。
I think maybe we just calm the fuck down, and it's a positive thing.
所以，别毁了这么好的一件事。
So, like, let's not let's not ruin a good thing.
好的。
Okay.
我们应该多喝些温热的饮品。
We should be ingesting more warm liquids.
好的。
Okay.
别再纠结了。
So get over it.
如果这样能让任何人感觉好一点，我不会向神韵捐款，但我很想去。
I will not be donating to Shen Yun if that makes anyone feel better, but would love to go.
看起来有绸带舞，我完全乐意参加。
Looks like there's ribbon dancing and I'm fucking game.
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