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在Designer Shoe Warehouse，我们相信鞋子是构成一切的重要部分。
At Designer Shoe Warehouse, we believe that shoes are an important part of, well, everything.
从蹒跚学步到初次约会，从通宵达旦到人生巅峰。
From first steps to first dates, from all nighters to all time personal best.
从搭建枕头堡垒到构筑人生大厦。
From building pillow forts to building a life.
无论是组成你整个世界的重要时刻还是微小瞬间，DSW始终相伴，我们正好有那双鞋。
For all the big and small moments that make up your whole world, DSW is there, and we've got just the shoes.
在DSW门店或dsw.com，以令人艳羡的价格找到来自你喜爱品牌的每一款鞋。
Find a shoe for every you from brands you love at brag worthy prices at your DSW store or dsw.com.
所有人。
Everybody.
季节已至。
The season is upon us.
圣诞节即将来临，而我穿着一条得体的裤子。
It's Christmas around the corner, and I'm wearing a sensible trouser.
这只是随口一说。
That's just off the cuff.
天啊，伙计们。
That's god, guys.
这是个美好的周日。
It is a beautiful Sunday.
也不算太美好，这个周末悲剧频发，但我们不打算深入讨论。
Not so beautiful, riddled with tragedies over this weekend, but we're not going to get into it.
这是个轻松愉快的节目。
This is a light, fluffy show.
今晚是光明节的第一夜。
It is the first night of Hanukkah.
讽刺的是，今晚我将非常自豪地点燃那些蜡烛，同时思考澳大利亚和布朗大学发生的一切。
Ironically, I will be very proudly lighting those candles this evening, thinking about everything that's happened in Australia, Brown University.
你知道，这变得很棘手，因为我不想成为那种只谈论与自己相关议题的人，我觉得那太自我放纵了，就像表演性的盟友关系和表演性的政治，我实在不认同这些。
You know, it's just it becomes slippery because I don't like to be someone that only talks about issues that are applicable to me because I find that to be really self indulgent and just like performative ally ship and like performative politics, which I don't really subscribe to.
但我要说的就是这些，好吗？
But all I'm going to say is this, Okay?
今早有很多沉默。
Lots of crickets this morning.
很多沉默。
Lots of crickets.
好吧。
Okay.
所有这些，你知道的，站在道德高地为一切发声的人。
All of these, you know, podium posters fighting for for everyone and everything.
说到底人们就是不喜欢犹太人。
What people really just don't like Jewish people at the end of the day.
我们能这么说吗？
Are we allowed to say that?
因为如果我们要坚持——哦天啊。
Because if we're gonna hold oh god.
我说
I said
我本不想这么做，但我
I wasn't gonna do this, but I'm
就悄悄提一嘴然后我们就翻篇
just gonna slip this in and then we're gonna move past it.
不是因为我害怕，而是我来这里是为了减轻负担
Not because I'm scared, but because I am here to lighten the load.
好吗？
Okay?
我们已经受够了
We've been through enough.
我只想说
All I'll say is this.
这有点恶心
It's kinda gross.
好吗？
Okay?
我在对你眨眼呢。
And I'm blinking at you.
一片寂静。
Crickets.
一片寂静。
Crickets.
一片寂静。
Crickets.
一片寂静。
Crickets.
这个周日早晨真是寂静无声。
Lots of crickets this Sunday morning.
我不喜欢这种寂静。
Me no like crickets.
我也不喜欢浣熊。
Me no like raccoons.
Schimmel-Haas 光明节之家的啮齿动物近况如何？
What's the rodent update in the Schimmel hyphen Haas Hanukkah house?
我来告诉你。
I'll tell you.
情况看起来不错。
It's looking good.
好吗？
Okay?
我们有一整套老鼠巡逻系统进驻了。
We had a full, like, rat trooper system come in.
好吗？
Okay?
这里就像诺克斯堡一样安全。
It's like Fort Knox in here.
我是说，任何把一生奉献给灭鼠事业的人肯定都有点疯疯癫癫的。
And they came this guy I mean, anyone that dedicates their lives to exterminating rats has got to be a little cuckoo doodle too.
你懂我意思吧？
You know what I'm saying?
他对捕鼠这件事有点过于热情了。
Like, he was a little too enthusiastic about the rodent hunt.
他直接排除了这是沙鼠的可能性，而安德鲁还以为是浣熊或者松鼠。
He automatically eliminated the thought of it being a gerbil or, you know, Andrew thought there was a raccoon or a squirrel.
他说，你知道的，通常松鼠都爱待在外头。
He said, you know, typically, squirrels wanna be outside.
懂了吗？
Okay?
它们忙着找坚果呢。
They're looking for nuts.
它们可不想钻进你那高档家具店的组合沙发里。
They're not trying to, like, bury in your restoration hardware outlet sectional sofa.
明白吗？
Okay?
顺便说，很多人都在吐槽我那难看的沙发。
Which, by the way, lots of questions about my ugly sofa.
我恨死那张破沙发了。
I hate that fucking sofa.
是Restoration Hardware品牌的。
It's restoration hardware.
刚搬进来时就买了它。
I got it right when we moved in.
那时候根本买不到家具。
It was impossible to get furniture at that point in time.
我溜达到Oxnard的Restoration Hardware折扣店，刚好尺寸合适。
I sauntered to the Oxnard restoration hardware outlet store, and it fit.
我就买下了。
I bought it.
我当时急需即时满足感，就买了这个沙发，现在特别想换掉它，想定制一个那种带树瘤木边框的，天啊。
I needed immediate gratification, and that's the sofa and, like, dying to replace it, but wanna get something like custom made with, like, burl wood sides with, like, oh, god.
随便吧。
Whatever.
我做不到。
I can't.
就这样吧。
It's fine.
我的天啊。
Oh my God.
关于这次浣熊抓捕行动最可怕的部分，第一，
The scariest part about the raccoon hunt, a.
好的，
K.
第一，
A.
2025年老鼠搜查行动中，他们不得不把沙发翻过来。
Rat search twenty twenty five, is that they had to flip the sofa over.
洛基当时有点希望沙发里住着啮齿动物，这样我就能换新沙发了。
Loki was kind of hoping that there was like rodents living in the sofa so I could get a new one.
但他们不得不把沙发翻过来，因为老鼠人——我们叫他老鼠人理查德吧。
But they had to flip the sofa of over because rat man, let's call him rat man Richard.
好吧，因为他真名就叫理查德。
Okay, because his name was actually Richard.
听起来像个艺名，但他有个龅牙——前牙在加拿大，后牙在夏威夷那种程度。
It sounds like a stage name to me, but he had an overbite that was like his front teeth were in Canada and his back teeth were in Hawaii.
你懂我意思吗？
You know what I'm saying?
闭上眼睛想象一下老鼠人的样子。
Like, close your eyes and think about like a rat man.
就是那种光是讨论不同啮齿动物的粪便、习性、皮毛、尾巴这些破事就能兴奋起来的变态。
Like someone who just, like, gets his fucking gets a half chub talking about different rodent rodent droppings, rodent habits, rodent furs, rodent tails, like all of the things.
行吧？
Okay?
他过来了。
He came over.
他说：‘我们得把沙发翻过来。’
He's like, we gotta flip the sofa.
我问：‘为什么？’
I was like, why?
他解释：‘有时候这些老鼠会钻到坐垫里。’
And he's like, sometimes these rats like to get into the cushions.
‘它们会找任何温暖柔软像安全窝的地方，然后打洞繁殖。’
They'll find any warm spot that mimics a soft, safe environment, and they'll bury and then they'll breed.
我说：‘理查德，你他妈在逗我吗？’
I said, Richard, are you fucking kidding me?
‘你是说当我每晚坐着看火星人故事时，可能有一窝老鼠住在我这张高端复刻沙发的填充层里？’
Are you telling me that when I sit down for my evening Martunian stories, okay, that there's a possibility that there's a rat family living in my undercarriage in the upholstery of my restoration hardware outlet sofa?
他说，是的。
And he said, yes.
我说，翻过来，混蛋。
And I said, flip it, bitch.
不幸的是，情况并非如此。
Unfortunately, that was not the case.
于是他进来了。
So he came in.
他重新设置了我们在阁楼里的猛禽定时器。
He reset like our birds of prey timers all in the attic.
我们有一堆捕鼠器。
We have a bunch of traps.
他问，你想要吗？
He was like, Do you want?
他说我们有很人道的捕鼠器。
He says we have great traps that are humane.
所以要用无毒的方式捕捉后放生。
So catch and release nontoxic.
我说，理查德，老鼠人。
I said, Richard, rat man.
我要让那阁楼见血。
I want blood in that attic.
懂了吗？
Okay?
我不要什么无毒不人道的方案。
I'm not looking for a nontoxic inhumane.
我要那些混蛋死掉，还要让他们告诉其他同类。
I want those fuckers dead, and I want them to tell their friends about it.
你明白我的意思吗？
You know what I'm saying?
毒性越强越好。
Like, the more toxic, the better.
我们不是抓了就放。
We're not catch and release.
有人叫詹妮弗·加纳。
Somebody called Jennifer Garner.
她不是演过那部电影吗？
Wasn't she in that movie?
还有乔什·杜哈明，《抓放爱情》。
And Josh Duhamel, catch and release.
好的。
Okay.
在这个家里，我们要抓了就杀。
We wanna catch and kill in this household.
明白吗？
Okay?
如果你是老鼠，只要是老鼠，我们就要你死。
If you're a rat, if you're a rat, we want you dead.
明白吗？
Okay?
你们是第一个听到这个消息的。
You heard it here first.
所以我们设下了七百个陷阱，屋里屋外到处都他妈布满了，结果它们一周后又回来了。
So we set, you know, seven hundred traps inside, outside, in everywhere, all over this fucking house, and they come back in a week.
我们完全没发现莱拉兹的踪迹。
We've seen no trace of Leyratz.
我认为事情是这样的：当我在巴黎时，安德鲁在按摩浴缸里光着屁股，喝着啤酒，看他每天都要看的那堆体育比赛，结果放进来个婊子养的。
What I think happened is that while I was in Paris, Andrew was free balling in the Jacuzzi, Okay, with a brewski watching one of the myriad of sporting events that he watches on a daily fucking basis, and he let some type of a bitch in.
然后等我这个母老虎回家时，他们就撤离了现场。
And then they vacated the premises when this bitch got home.
懂了吗？
Okay?
当我带着塞满行李的杰西卡·辛普森回来时，他们知道我会宰了那些狗娘养的全家，所以他们就离开了——从那以后我们再没见过任何老鼠、浣熊或松鼠的踪迹。
When I got back with my Jessica Simpson packed to the brim, they knew that I was gonna kill those motherfuckers and their whole family, and then they left the premises because we've had no signs of any rat, raccoon, squirrel ever since.
称之为光明节奇迹吧。
Call it a Hanukkah miracle.
称之为因果报应吧。
Call it karma.
我不确定。
I'm not sure.
但不管怎样，今晚是光明节的第一夜。
But anyways, it is the first night of Hanukkah.
我们即将进入正式的节日季。
We are entering the official holiday season.
如果你正在看视频，感谢我提供的视觉盛宴吧。
And if you're watching the video, you're welcome for the visual.
这个周日下午我看起来光彩照人。
I'm looking gorgeous this Sunday afternoon.
我穿着件得体的J牌衣服。
I'm wearing a sensible J.
穿着巴黎风格的黄色针织衫，配浅色天鹅绒阔腿裤。
Crew sweater, one of my Parisian yellow, like pale velvet oversized trousers.
今天戴的是日常款叠戴项链，镶边网球链。
I'm wearing just my daily stack, my bezel tennis necklace.
非常感谢。
Thank you very much.
是实验室的。
It's lab.
别太激动。
Don't get crazy.
顺便说，其实不是实验室的。
It's not lab, by the way.
我撒谎了，但我确实刚买了条实验室网球手链还挺喜欢的。
I lied, but I do have a lab tennis bracelet that I just bought that I'm kind of into.
我不喜欢实验室老鼠，也不喜欢实验室钻石。
I don't like a lab rat, and I don't like a lab diamond.
但这就是这就是人们讨厌你的原因，杰基。
But I'm I'm this is this is why people hate you, Jackie.
等等。
Hold on.
你知道，我染上了某种巴黎式的痰液感染。
You know, I got some type of a of a Parisian phlegm infestation.
因为我频繁蒸桑拿，我想事情是这样的：首先，由于在巴黎喝了太多红酒导致胃酸反流，灼伤了我的声带。
And because I sauna so much, I think what happened is, first, I fried my vocal cords from acid reflux because I had too much red wine in Paris.
然后黏液才后来出现的。
Then the mucus came later.
明白吗？
Okay?
就像我踏上美国土地时爆发的洪水一样。
Like a flood when I landed on American soil.
然后为了试图清除这些液体和鼻塞，不知为何我没选择蒸汽疗法，而是整周都拼命地蒸桑拿。
Then to try to eradicate the, like, the fluids and the, like, the nasal congestion for whatever reason, instead of doing steam, I went in the sauna pretty vigorously all week.
我想发生的情况是——我不是医生——但我觉得红外线热量把我脸后面的黏液烤干了
And I think what happened, I'm not a doctor, but I think what happened is that the infrared heat dried up the mucus behind my face.
所以原本松散的、可能通过鼻子排出或咳出来的黏液，现在留在我体内，被热量烤硬了
So now what was loose and had the potential of, like, leaving my body through my nose or hacking it up has now it's it lives within me, and now it's hardened from the heat.
而且真的很难摆脱
And it's it's been really difficult to shake.
他刚才说什么？
What was he saying?
哦，是啊。
Oh, yeah.
在可预见的未来，我要扮演少女妈妈妮娜·班克斯的角色。
I'm giving teen mom Nina Banks for the foreseeable future.
好吧。
Okay.
我的裤子都到了。
My trousers have all come in.
我又从巴黎精品店Metamozelle慌乱下单，买了些难看的裤子和更多长裤，长裤，长裤。
I also did another panic order from the Parisian boutique Metamozelle, and I bought just like some lame pants and like some more trousers, trousers, trousers.
我现在穿着这条很实用的裤子。
And I'm wearing like this sensible.
我奶奶，我亲爱的奶奶昨天过来了，不是Gloria。
My grandma, my sweet, sweet grandmother came over yesterday, not Gloria.
我马上要去找那个贱人算账，因为我刚给她做完最棒的汉娜节礼物。
I'm gonna get to that bitch in a second because I have the most amazing Hanukkah present for her that I just finished.
昨天奶奶来看Clyde，她给我带了这些美丽的珍珠，是我爷爷在他们结婚后不久送给她的，上面有Judith Ripka设计的1970年代风格纯金扣，镶着红宝石和钻石。
My grandma came over yesterday to see Clyde, and she brought me these beautiful pearls that my grandfather gave her right after they got married that she had made with this Judith Ripka, like, nineteen seventies, like, solid gold clasp with rubies and diamonds.
这他妈重得要命。
It's so fucking heavy.
她说：你知道吗？
And she's like, you know what?
我一直把这放在保险箱里，但看到它放在那里，我宁愿你现在就戴着它享受它，让我活着看到你佩戴这件美丽珠宝的样子，而不是等我死后才留给你。
I've had this in the safe, and I just felt like I saw it sitting there, and I would so much rather you wear it and enjoy it and be have me living to see you enjoy a beautiful piece of jewelry than, like, waiting to give to you till after I pass.
我说这想法有点病态，但很可爱。
I said morbid, but adorable.
我说现在就给我吧。
I said, give it to me right now.
是不是应该说'哦不，米米，你应该留着它'。
Is it being like, oh, no, Mimi, you should keep it.
你应该戴着它。
You should wear it.
我说非常感谢你。
I was like, thank you so much.
它一直挂在我脖子上，从此再没摘下来过。
It was around my neck, and it hasn't left ever since.
相比之下，格洛丽亚的汉努卡节礼物——那个贱人想带着她的东西入土。
Now, dissimilarly, Gloria, for her Hanukkah present, that bitch will be she wants to be buried with her things.
她不是那种珠宝收藏大家，但有几件东西我确实盯了很久。
She doesn't have she's not like a huge jewelry connoisseur collector, but she's got a couple things that I've really had my eye on.
我已经反复跟她强调过了。
And I've already, like, told her profusely.
我就说，等你走了，那条手镯得留给我。
I'm like, when you go, you'll leave me that bracelet.
你听好了，这事儿没得商量。
Just so you know, like, it's not we're not having a discussion about it.
那条手镯是我的。
That bracelet is mine.
我在她那些宝贝上都贴了彩色便利贴，还盯着她眼睛说——别忘了紧急联系人填的是谁。
I have, like, color coded post it notes all over glorious things, and I hold eye contact with her and I'm like, don't forget who your emergency contact is.
懂了吗？
Okay.
当你因为吃了国庆节后的利尿药想减掉热狗体重，结果把马桶冲堵了的时候，生命警报会直接连到我手机上——猜猜你得住谁家？
The life alert links to my cell phone when you flood a toilet because you're taking water pills post fourth of July and you're trying to slim down from your hot dogs, guess whose house you have to stay at?
我家。
My house.
别跟我耍花样，贱人。
Don't fuck with me, bitch.
我非要拿到那个手镯不可。
I'm getting that bracelet.
明白吗？
Okay?
谢谢。
Thank you.
太感谢了。
Thank you so much.
记下来。
Post it.
我奶奶格洛丽亚，每逢节日都会给我们所有孙辈每人开一张支票。
My grandma, Gloria, for every holiday, she writes all of her grandchildren a check.
懂了吗？
Okay?
几年前我们还欺负过她，因为说实话，这感觉有点小气。
And we bullied her a few years back because it was you know, it just it felt a little cheap, quite frankly.
我说，我们现在是三口之家了。
I'm like, well, we're a family of three now.
也许我们应该把这个数字乘以三。
Like, maybe we multiply that by three.
懂了吗？
Okay?
因为这样不公平。
Because this isn't fair anymore.
就像，我和表亲们在光明节时都喝醉了。
Like, what am I me and my cousins were all drunk when Hanukkah.
我们都喝了马提尼之类的酒。
We had all, like, been partaking in the martinis or whatever.
然后我们拆开那些千篇一律、毫无诚意的支票。
And we open our we open our tried and true minimal effort, not thoughtful checks.
好吗？
Okay?
我们看向我奶奶，他说，你知道吗？
We looked at my grandma, and he said, you know what?
通货膨胀是真的。
Inflation is real.
奶奶，我该怎么处理这个？
What am I supposed to do with this, grandma?
时间、精力、油钱，所有这些你付出的东西，我们得提高这个数。
What about the time, the energy, the gas, the everything that you have like, we need to bump this up.
我们能四舍五入吗？
Can we round up?
这甚至不是36美元，这甚至不是邻居朋友在你十三岁生日时给你的支票。
This isn't even, like, a $36 like, this isn't even, like, a check you get on your thirteenth birthday bat mitzvah from a neighbor friend.
好吗？
Okay?
这甚至都不再符合规矩了。
This isn't even this isn't even kosher anymore.
我们全都一脸懵逼：这他妈什么情况？
And we all were like, what the fuck?
而她只是淡淡回了句：是啊。
And she was like, yeah.
操。
Fuck.
随便吧。
Whatever.
但她确实听进去了。
But she listened.
明白吗？
Okay?
会哭的孩子有奶吃，她最后还真给加钱了。
The squeaky wheel gets the grease, and she bumped it up.
谢天谢地。
Thank god.
现在问题来了。
Now here's the problem.
可爱的格洛丽亚根本不会拼写。
Sweet baby Gloria doesn't know how to spell.
所以过去五年里，她每逢生日、光明节、克莱德生日、安德鲁生日等等，都会给我开张支票。
So for the past five years, she's written me a check for birthdays, Hanukkah's, Clyde's birthday, Andrew's, whatever it is.
好吧。
Okay.
这是最惠国待遇，我们所有人不论怎样都拿一样的数额，要知道，这其实挺不错的。
It's favored nation, so we all get the same no matter what, which is, you know, listen, beautiful.
行吧。
Okay.
感谢上帝。
Baruch Hashem.
但我认为她是故意拼错名字，这样为了兑现这些支票，我们就得带着出生证明、护照，把她塞进车里，带到美国银行，证明这张支票是给我们的而不是别人的。
But I think she intentionally misspells names so that in order in order to cash these checks, we need to bring a birth certificate, a passport, gotta load her in the car, bring her to the Bank of America, vouch that this is a check for us and not for somebody else.
她会把名字写成Claw，或者写成Kyle Hass，把Hass拼错。
She'll write like claw she'll write like Kyle Hass, misspelling Hass.
明白吗？
Okay?
Clyde根本没有银行账户。
Clyde doesn't have a bank account.
他的名字是Clyde不是Kyle，而且我们的姓氏也不是那样拼写的。
That's not his name is Clyde, not Kyle, and that's not how we spell our last name.
所以兑现这些支票变得太麻烦了。
So it becomes too much of a burden to even cash these checks.
因此这些支票我已经攒了五年。
So I have been collecting these checks for five years.
懂了吗？
Okay?
我们快攒到差不多一个入门级赛琳包的钱了。
We're nearing a total of, I'd say, an entry level Celine bag.
明白吗？
Okay?
所以我一直留着这些支票。
So I've been holding on to these.
我用一个小纸夹夹着它们。
I have them in a little paper clip.
今年周六的犹太光明节，我要当着朋友家人的面把这些未兑现支票都给她看，并要求她用我的本名重新开一张支票——这样我就能去买双靴子什么的。
And this year for Hanukkah on Saturday, I am presenting her all of these uncashed checks, and I am going to ask in front of friends, in front of family for her to reissue me a check with in my birth name so that I can go, you know, buy a pair of boots or something.
她会照做吗？
Is she going to?
当然会。
Absolutely.
但我确实觉得这是个很棒的礼物。
But I do think it is a really good gift.
于是我去了Pottery Barn，买了一个8x10英寸的相框。
So I went to Pottery Barn, and I bought a eight by 10 frame.
我把所有支票都装裱在相框里，这样她拆礼物时会以为收到的是McCloyde拍摄的甜美照片。
And I have all the checks, like, in the frame so that she's gonna open it thinking she's getting, a beautiful framed photo of sweet by McCloyde.
但实际上，她将收到一个装裱着她所有未兑现欠条的相框。
And instead, she will be getting a framed photo of all of her uncashed checks that she owes me.
她怎么处理这个礼物取决于她自己，但我觉得这是个极具创意又美好的礼物。
What she decides to do with that is up to her, but I think it's a really creative, beautiful gift.
我个人很希望她能把它展示出来，
I'd love her to display it personally,
不过我们得看她是否愿意
but we'll see if she wants to do the
做正确的事。
right thing or not.
这个假期，当别人都在追逐喧嚣时，用Peak找到属于你的平静。
This holiday, while others are chasing the rush, find your sense of calm with Peak.
Peak是一个奢华健康品牌，采用珍稀植物和尖端成分，为这个季节的喧嚣提供完美解决方案。
Peak is a luxury wellness brand powered by rare plants and cutting edge ingredients, offering the perfect remedy for the season's hustle and bustle.
他们科学验证的植物成分、矿物质和维生素在欢乐的节日季里支持代谢功能、免疫健康、持久能量和光彩肌肤。
Okay, their science backed botanicals, minerals and vitamins support metabolic function, immune health, sustained energy and radiant skin in the festive season of joy.
选择宁静作为终极奢华，就选Peak。
Choose serenity as the ultimate luxury with Peak.
我甚至不需要告诉你们我对Peak及其产品的感受。
I do not even need to tell you how I feel about Peak and their products.
他们的太阳女神抹茶是我发现Peak的契机。
Their Sun Goddess Matcha is how I found Peak.
这是一种有机仪式级超级食品混合物，重新定义你的日常仪式。
It is an organic ceremonial superfood blend that redefines your daily ritual.
它能带给你美妙平衡的能量、平静的思绪和容光焕发的光彩。
It gives you a beautiful, like balanced energy, calm mind, radiant glow.
我的生活离不开太阳女神抹茶。
I cannot live without the sun goddess matcha.
好的，饮用与否带来的差异之大令我震惊。
Okay, the way that I can tell the difference from drinking it versus not drinking it is astounding to me.
但我不是那种沉迷于各种酊剂、物品和仪式的人，不是那种类型。
Okay, and I'm not one of those people that like is like with my tinctures and my things and my practices and my rich like that's not it.
Peak就是我的仪式。
Peak is my ritual.
我每天早晨都以那款太阳女神抹茶开始。
I start the morning with that sun goddess matcha.
我会使用RE喷泉BT喷泉。
I do the RE fountain BT fountain.
没有他们的三重镁我无法入睡。
I will not go to sleep without their triple magnesium.
它是蓝色的。
It's blue.
喝起来像在享受水疗。
It tastes like a spa.
它们就是最优质的产品。
It's just the best, highest quality products.
我永远无法表达我有多爱Peak，知道吗？
I will never be able to tell you how much I love Peak, Okay?
这可不是什么噱头。
And that's no shtick.
准备好传递这份光彩吧。
Ready to gift the glow.
为你自己和清单上的每个人解锁终身8折优惠。
Unlock 20% off for life for yourself and everyone on your list.
在这个节日季，送上健康光彩的礼物。
Give the gift of glowing health this holiday season.
请访问peaklife.com/bible开始体验。
Get started at peaklife.com/bible.
网址是piquelife.com/bible。
That is piquelife.com/bible.
这是重新定义的水合作用。
This is hydration redefined.
尝试它，从内而外焕发光彩。
Try it and glow from the inside out.
节日季最糟糕的部分就是家庭聚会时间。
The worst part about the holiday season is the family time.
一边是'万能安迪'总能想出新的烦人方式打扰我，另一边是克莱德兴奋得上蹿下跳，有时候根本没时间计划晚餐吃什么。
Between Handy Andy, finding new and innovative ways to bother me, and Clyde bouncing off the walls, sometimes there's just no time to plan what's for dinner.
Home Chef用新鲜预配的家庭套餐帮我卸下压力，让平日夜晚和节日季都变得更轻松愉快。
Home Chef takes the stress off my plate with fresh pre portion meals for the entire family, which makes weeknights and the holidays so much easier and more enjoyable.
Home Chef在其他餐包用户评选中荣获质量、便捷性、性价比、口味和食谱五项第一。
Home Chef is rated number one by users of other meal kits for quality convenience, value taste and recipes.
Home Chef让烹饪变得简单——新鲜食材直送到家、操作简易的食谱、真正美味的餐食。
Home Chef makes cooking simple, fresh food delivered, easy recipes to follow and meals that actually taste great.
现在通过Home Chef菜单上的戈登·拉姆齐独家食谱，你也能无压力享受五星级美食。
Now, with Gordon Ramsay's exclusive recipes on the Home Chef menu, you can enjoy five star meals without the stress.
好的，从戈登·拉姆齐与家厨联合推出的招牌菜中挑选吧，这些菜品精选自家厨的烹饪系列、经典餐包和速享选项。
Okay, choose from Gordon Ramsay's co branded dishes featured across Home Chef's culinary collection, classic meal kits, express options.
这是喂养家人最简单的方式，家厨用户平均每月节省86美元杂货开支。限时优惠：家厨为我的听众提供首单五折免邮，并终身免费赠送甜点。
It's the easiest way to feed your family and Home Chef customers save an average of $86 per month on groceries For a limited time, Home Chef is offering my listeners 50% off and free shipping for your first box, plus free dessert for life.
不客气。
You're welcome.
访问homechef.com/bible。
Go to homechef.com/bible.
即homechef.com/bible，享受首单五折并终身获赠免费甜点。
That is homechef.com/bible for 50% off your first box and free dessert for life.
homechef.com/bible 需保持订阅状态方可领取免费甜点。
Homechef.com/bible must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert.
哦，天啊。
Oh, my God.
我一直在看网飞上的吹牛老爹纪录片。
I've been watching the Diddy Doc on Netflix.
我能跟你说件事吗？
Can I tell you something?
我讨厌他。
I hate him.
我讨厌他。
I hate him.
我讨厌他的脸。
I hate his face.
我讨厌他的音乐。
I hate his music.
我讨厌他的遗产。
I hate his legacy.
我不知道他晚上怎么睡得着。
I don't know how he sleeps at night.
懂了吗？
Okay?
恶心。
Disgusting.
这就是我的毒性特质。
Here's my toxic trait.
我觉得如果能和Diddy独处。
I feel like if I could be alone with Diddy.
收到一条短信。
Got a text.
哦，我嫂子刚下飞机。
Oh, my sister-in-law just landed.
恭喜。
Mazel Tov.
我觉得如果能锁死房门和P Diddy面对面坐上四分半钟，我就能用言语把他彻底击垮，让他体无完肤。
I feel like if I could deadbolt the doors and sit across from P Diddy for literally only four and a half minutes, I could give him the verbal beating of a lifetime and just dismantle him.
说真的，我现在感到害怕又焦虑，在他得到应有惩罚之前我都睡不好觉。
You know, I really feel like I'm I'm scared and I'm worried and I won't sleep well until I know that he is being appropriately penalized.
好吗？
Okay?
因为他身边都是些唯唯诺诺的人，他被保护得太好了。
Because he's got a lot of yes people around him, and he's sheltered.
他活在名人泡泡里，而我想用拳头捅进他屁股来戳破这个泡泡。
He's in a celebrity bubble, and I wanna pop it with my fist up his ass.
你懂我意思吗？
You know what I mean?
就像，我必须让这个男人垮台。
Like, I need to bring this man down.
我要和他保持眼神接触。
I wanna hold eye contact with him.
我想喝一杯恶心的冰镇Ciroc酒，死死盯着他的眼睛，把酒吐在他脸上，然后换一杯Belvedere马天尼。
I wanna have a disgusting glass of chilled Ciroc and stare him dead in the eye, spit it in his face, then opt for a Belvedere Martini.
然后用非常低沉克制的嗓音，说出下面这段话。
And in a very low controlled voice, say the following.
我昨晚写的这个，当时是几点来着？
I wrote this last night at what time was that?
凌晨2点23分
02:23 a.
凌晨
M.
看完迪迪的纪录片之后
After finishing the Diddy documentary.
我爱我自己。
I love myself.
尽管你靠着欺诈手段获得了名望与艺术成就，但你的遗产已蒙上污点，你留下的印记并非光彩、魅力、流行与Ciroc酒。
Despite your fraudulent run of celebrity and artistry, your legacy is tarnished and the imprint you leave is not of glitz, glam, bops and Ciroc.
这是一份耻辱、不当行为与虐待的遗产。
It's a legacy of disgrace, misconduct and abuse.
这份遗产将纠缠并拖累你的家族血脉，直到根系腐烂、枝干断裂。
One that will haunt and burden your family tree until the roots go rotten and the branches snap.
你至今如何入睡以及未来如何安眠，对我来说都是个谜。
How you slept thus far and how you will sleep soundly in the future is a mystery to me.
你让世界上大多数人都感到恶心。
You sicken the majority of the world.
你是个龅牙、独裁、毫无才华的混蛋。
You're a buck toothed, microdict, talentless fuck.
你的粉丝讨厌你。
Your fans hate you.
你的家人讨厌你，我也讨厌你，肖恩·康布斯。
Your family hates you, and I hate you, Sean Combs.
在监狱里不用润滑剂被爆菊，享受马桶酒吧——幸运的是这玩意儿比Ciroc味道好多了，你这卑鄙、低劣、道德败坏、可悲的伪男人，贱货。
Get butt fucked sans Rufulin in prison and enjoy toilet hooch, which luckily tastes better than Ciroc, you vile, inferior, morally corrupt, pathetic excuse of a man, bitch.
所以这只是我正在创作的内容。
So that's just something I'm working on.
心怀仇恨是什么感觉？
What is it like holding hate in your heart?
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其实挺有趣的，因为我能把它转化为对国家有益的事情。
Pretty fun, actually, because I'm able to channel it for the greater good of the country.
而且，怎么说呢，就是把它转化为正义的力量。
And, like, I don't know, just channel it into justice.
所以我感觉好多了。
So I feel better.
你知道我做了什么吗？
You know what I did?
我在凌晨2:23写下这段话，翻身就睡得像天使一样直到7:30。
I wrote that at 02:23AM, turned over, slept like a fucking angel till 07:30.
好吧。
Okay.
整整五个小时的口吐白沫快速眼动睡眠周期，梦里都是炸薯饼的场景。
Like a solid five hour foaming at the mouth REM cycle where it was just like dreaming of latkes.
你懂我意思吧？
You know what I mean?
梦见土豆饼。
Dreaming of latkes.
我恨死他了。
I hate him so much.
还有件事我真的很想讨论。
Another thing that I would really like to discuss.
白牛奶，给你。
White milk what there you go.
红皮革，黄皮革。
Red leather, yellow leather.
你能行的，姑娘。
You got this girl.
你能做到。
You got it.
你能做到的，姑娘。
You got it, girl.
你行的，姑娘。
You got it, girl.
白人女性又一次毁掉了一切。
White women once again ruining everything.
这全是白人的傲慢。
The caucacity of it all.
白人女性已逃到网上抱怨年度潘通色，称其带有种族歧视。
White women have fled to the Internet to complain about the Pantone color of the year, saying that it's racist.
讽刺的是，年度潘通色在我看来就是米色。
The Pantone color of the year, ironically, is what I say it is a beige.
它是什么颜色？
What color is it?
它叫'云舞者'。
It's called Cloud Dancer.
我会说这是一种高贵的白色，象征着混乱世界中的平静影响力。
I would say it's a a lofty white that serves as a symbol of calming influence in a chaotic world.
它不是米色。
It's not a beige.
它不是奶油色。
It's not a cream.
我觉得它带点蓝色底调。
It's kind of like I would say it's got blue undertones.
就像心情忧郁的人会用来粉刷开发商标配橱柜的颜色。
It's kind of like what a sad person would paint their builder grade cabinets.
完全是格蕾琴·罗西式橱柜风格。
It's giving Gretchen Rossi cabinets.
哑光黑陶器谷仓风格五金件配那种手风琴天鹅颈式水龙头的感觉。
It's giving matte black pottery barn hardware with one of those accordion swan like sink hoses faucets.
你懂我意思吗？
Do you know what I'm saying?
哑光黑五金件风格，而且不是好的那种。
It's giving matte black hardware and not in a good way.
这感觉就像路易威登的Never Full包。
It's giving Louis Vuitton never full.
这感觉像是那种让人兴奋的运动鞋吗？
It's giving are those sneakers that people get excited about?
我不知道。
I don't know.
比如，我不知道它们的名字。
Like, I don't know the name of them.
好吧。
Okay.
这不是时尚。
It's not fashion.
这不是雪铁龙。
It's not Citroen.
这不是酒红色。
It's not burgundy.
这不像是一抹亮色。
It's not like a pop of color.
这很可能是个经济衰退的信号，真令人沮丧。
It's probably a recession indicator, and it's sad.
所以，是的，白人女性站出来说这是种族主义。
So, yeah, white women are coming forward saying that it's racist.
我不确定为什么。
I'm not sure why.
让我稍微研究一下。
Let me look into that for a second.
请稍等。
Hold, please.
评论家称其阴郁、不合时宜且乏味，尤其考虑到当前政治气候，将其视为投降的象征，甚至与白人至上主义有关联，而另一些人则认为它缺乏灵感，或者干脆就是一片苍白。
Critics are calling it bleak, tone deaf and boring, especially given current political climates, seeing it as a symbol of surrender or even association with white supremacy, while others found it uninspired or just plain white.
潘通本意是希望它为这个狂躁的世界带来平静的影响，但这一选择被许多人认为脱离实际，导致对其文化迟钝和与现实脱节的指责，与其他品牌2026年更温暖、更大胆的色彩选择形成鲜明对比。
Pantone intended it as a calming influence for a frenetic world, but the choice was seen by many as out of touch, leading to accusations of cultural insensitivity and a disconnect from reality, contrasting sharply with other brands' warmer, bolder twenty twenty six color picks.
他们说这是在洗白。
They say that it's whitewashing.
这太懒了。
It's lazy.
这根本不算颜色。
It's not a color.
它象征白旗，象征和平鸽。
It's it's symbolizing a white flag, a dove.
好吧。
Okay.
呃我觉得这有点牵强。
I I think that might be a bit of a reach.
我说这话是出于善意。
You know, I say this lovingly.
行吧。
Okay.
我确实认为我们不需要把所有事情都政治化。
I do think we don't need to make everything a political statement.
我不——我不喜欢年度代表色。
I don't I don't like the color of the year.
我是说，看看周围。
I don't I mean, look around.
行吗？
Okay?
我们正在这里书写人生的精彩篇章。
We're popping off the pages of life over here.
但我不认为这是种族主义。
But I don't know that it's racist.
也许是吧。
Maybe it is.
也许我不知道。
Maybe I don't know.
也许是我太蠢了。
Maybe I'm stupid.
我不觉得这是种族歧视。
I don't perceive it as being racist.
我认为我们没必要把每件事都剖析成问题。
I find we don't need to, like, dissect everything to make it an issue.
你懂我意思吗？
You know what I mean?
就像，某种程度上，这就像玛丽·科斯比效应。
Like, let's just at certain point, it's like the Mary Cosby effect.
懂了吗？
Okay?
她是在搞邪教吗？
Is she running a cult?
我可不想深究这事。
I'm not looking into it.
你知道为什么吗？
You know why?
因为玛丽·科斯比就是一份礼物。
Because Mary Cosby is a gift.
我们就接受这份胜利继续前进吧。
And let's just take that win and keep it moving.
我永远不会、哪怕稍微去关注任何想把玛丽·科斯比从我电视屏幕上抹去的说法。
Like, I'm never ever, ever even slightly looking into any type of narrative that takes Mary Cosby off of my television screens.
我绝不会这么做。
I'm not doing it.
我们必须珍惜生活中点滴的欢乐。
We have to maintain shrivels of joy when we get them.
而且并不是说年度潘通色是什么欢乐的象征。
And not that the Pantone color of year of the year is a shrivel of joy.
我觉得它恶心、可耻、完全缺乏美感，但事实就是如此。
I think it's disgusting, disgraceful, and just unaesthetic, but it is what it is.
我不会深究这件事。
I'm not gonna deep dive that.
我要深挖的是Bethany Frankel的《建筑文摘》家居导览。
What I am gonna deep dive is Bethany Frankel's Architectural Digest tour.
我害怕谈论Bethany Frankel，因为她在TikTok上关注我，还经常评论。
I get scared to talk about Bethany Frankel because she follows me on TikTok, and she comments often.
而且你知道，我总觉得将来某天我们会相遇，Bethany Frankel会让我乐在其中。
And, you know, I just know there will be a point in time where I will cross paths, and I will be entertained by Bethany Frankel.
Bethany Frankel曾陪伴我度过人生中许多黑暗时刻。
Bethany Frankel has carried me through so many dark moments of my life.
比如《Bethany永相随》是你从未意识到自己需要的万圣节体验。
Like, Bethany Ever After is the Halloween experience that you never knew you needed.
懂吗？
Okay?
《鬼驱人》，靠边站吧。
Poltergeist, sit down.
《驱魔人》根本没法比。
The Exorcist could never.
这是你看过的最恐怖的电影作品。
It's the scariest it's the scariest piece of cinema you'll ever watch.
为此我要感谢她。
And for that, I thank her.
我很感激她给予我的这些礼物。
I'm appreciative of the gifts that she has given me.
早期几季的罗尼，没人能演得更好。
Roni early seasons, nobody did it better.
好吧。
Okay.
就像迈克尔·拉帕波特说的，她是《真实主妇》系列里的迈克尔·乔丹。
Like Michael Rapaport said, she was the Michael Jordan of the Real Housewives franchise.
现在她那种'贱人爆炸'的抖音人设，继续嘴贱吧。
Now her kind of like boom bitch TikTok persona, keep talking shit.
你让我出名了。
You're making me famous.
那种说法，我个人无法理解。
That narrative, I don't understand it personally.
我最想做的就是彻底消失。
There is nothing that I would like to do more than fuck all the way off.
懂了吗？
Okay?
我的梦想。
My dreams.
我的梦想是什么？
What are my dreams?
我的目标是什么？
What are my goals?
没有。
Nothing.
我不知道该怎么表达这个。
I don't know how to say this.
就像，当我看到人们在社交平台上拼命表现，像是必须达成下一个目标，亲爱的。
Like, when I see people, like, grinding on the gram being, like, gotta hit that next that next milestone, girly girl.
就像，拼命工作、工作、工作。
Like, hustle, hustle, hustle.
不。
No.
我只想去巴黎买一堆裤子，喝漂亮的鸡尾酒。
I'm trying to go to Paris, buy a bunch of trousers, have beautiful cocktails.
我只想做最低限度的事来获得财务自由，这样我就能装修浴室和买包包。
Like, I'm just trying to do the bare minimum to have, like, financial flexibility so that I can renovate bathrooms and buy purses.
比这更大的目标，我会留给别人去实现。
Anything bigger than that, I'm gonna leave to somebody else.
真的，我这样就完全满足了。
Like, I'm totally good.
你懂我意思吗？
You know what I mean?
而且，我对那种被人议论的感觉完全提不起兴趣。
And, like, I don't I don't get a half chub on the idea of, like, my name in your mouth.
你明白我在说什么吗？
You know what I mean?
我只是觉得这简直太搞笑了。
Like, I just like, I just think it's the funniest thing ever.
黑粉们尽管继续讨论我吧。
Like, keep talking about me, haters.
好吧。
Like, okay.
行吧。
Okay.
好的。
Okay.
这让我发笑。
It makes me laugh.
我只是觉得这是有史以来最好笑的事。
I just think it's, like, the funniest thing ever.
这有点像是低调的滑稽戏。
Like, it's so it's kinda campy low key.
对吧？
Right?
节日很快就会变得忙碌又让人应接不暇，转眼间你就会把在走廊壁橱里找到的零散蜡烛塞进包里送给布伦达阿姨。
The holidays can get busy and overwhelming quickly, and before you know it, you'll be stuffing a rogue candle you found in your hallway closet into bag to give your aunt Brenda.
但还有另一种方式。
But there's another way.
今年，
This year.
选择一份贴心的礼物，用Nutrafol来优先关爱自我。
Go for a thoughtful gift that prioritizes self care with Nutrafol.
Nutrafol真的改变了我的生活——自从我的发际线在克莱德事件后有点后移，而健康强韧的秀发确实是无可替代的礼物。
Nutrafol literally changed my life after my hairline went a little vacaucta post Clyde, and there's truly no better gift than healthy, stronger hair.
更重要的是，它有科学依据支撑，你和所爱的人全年都能看到效果。
Plus, it's backed by science, so you and your loved ones will see results all year round.
Nutrafol是皮肤科医生推荐排名第一的生发补剂品牌，超过150万人见证：只需3到6个月，头发更浓密、更强韧、生长更快，掉发更少。
Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over one and a half million people see thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months.
这个节日季，Nutrafol是你送礼清单上所有人的完美礼物。
This holiday season, Nutrafol is the perfect gift for anyone on your list.
无论是经历更年期的母亲和阿姨、刚生完孩子面临产后脱发的朋友、依赖棒球帽遮掩的丈夫或父亲，还是想改善整体发质的你自己或任何人。
Your mom, your aunt going through menopause, a friend who just had a baby experiencing postpartum hair shedding, your husband or father who relies on his baseball hat to cover up, or yourself or anyone looking to support their overall hair health.
这个节日季，用Nutrafol送出自信之礼。
Give the gift of confidence this holiday season with Nutrafol.
不论犒赏自己还是馈赠他人，肉眼可见更健康浓密的秀发是份持续回馈的礼物。
Whether you're treating yourself or someone on your list, visibly healthier, thicker hair is the gift that keeps on giving.
现在访问nutrafol.com并使用优惠码bible，Nutrafol为听众提供首月订阅立减10美元加免运费服务。
Right now, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription plus free shipping when you go to nutrafol.com and use promo code bible.
输入优惠码bible即可在nutrafol.com享受首月订阅立减10美元优惠。
That is nutrafol.com promo code bible for $10 off.
本播客由瓦尔登大学赞助播出。
Support for this podcast is brought to you by Walden University.
你是否曾想过：如果我能追求真正想要的，并真正有所改变呢？
Ever catch yourself thinking, what if I could go after what I actually want and really make a difference?
你并不孤单，这正是我想向你介绍瓦尔登大学的原因。
You're not alone, and that's exactly why I want to tell you about Walden University.
五十年来，瓦尔登大学一直帮助像你这样的在职成年人获得知识。
For over fifty years, Walden has helped working adults like you get the w with the knowledge and skills to build the future you want and make a difference where it matters most.
如果你一直在等待合适的时机，现在就是。
If you've been waiting for the right moment, this is it.
访问waldenu.edu，迈出第一步。
Head to waldenu.edu and take that first step.
瓦尔登大学，为改变设定航向，由Chev认证运营。
Walden University, set a course for change, certified to operate by Chev.
本播客由瓦尔登大学赞助播出。
Support for this podcast is brought to you by Walden University.
你可曾想过，如果我能追求真正想要的东西并真正有所作为会怎样？
Ever catch yourself thinking, what if I could go after what I actually want and really make a difference?
你并不孤单，这正是我想向你介绍瓦尔登大学的原因。
You're not alone, and that's exactly why I want to tell you about Walden University.
五十多年来，瓦尔登大学一直帮助像你这样的职场人士获取知识和技能，构建理想未来，在最重要的领域产生影响。
For over fifty years, Walden has helped working adults like you get the w with the knowledge and skills to build the future you want and make a difference where it matters most.
如果你一直在等待合适的时机，现在就是。
If you've been waiting for the right moment, this is it.
访问waldenu.edu，迈出第一步。
Head to waldenu.edu and take that first step.
瓦尔登大学，改变航向的起点，雪佛龙认证运营。
Walden University, set a course for change, certified to operate by Chev.
那么，《建筑文摘》。
So Architectural Digest.
我对'architectural'这个词有点说不利索
I have a little bit of trouble with the word architectural.
就像'peripheral'和'architectural'这样的词
Arc it's like peripheral and architectural.
我实在说不来
I can't.
我现在说不准 以后也永远说不准
I'm not saying it right and I'm never going to.
我脑袋里堵着巴黎风干的鼻涕 地下室还住着老鼠
I have dried Parisian mucus living in my head and rats in the basement.
这太糟糕了
It's too much.
总之 Bethany带着《建筑文摘》参观了她新买的房子 是在博卡拉顿还是贝尔港？
Anyways, Bethany did a Architectural Digest tour of her new is it Boca Raton, Bell Harbor?
我对佛罗里达不太熟 但那是她在佛罗里达的家
I don't know Florida very well, but her Floridian home.
她说她家里既没有Wayfair也没有HomeGoods的东西，但事实就是如此。
And it is it is HomeGoods, Wayfair, which she says there's nothing in her home from Way fair or HomeGoods.
没试过就别轻易否定。
Don't knock until you try it.
我爱Wayfair，也爱HomeGoods。
Love Wayfair and I love HomeGoods.
所以我下周末要办一个12人的成人光明节晚宴，把所有小孩都赶走了。
So I'm having a 12 person Hanukkah adult dinner next weekend, and I've banished all the children.
我开始数朋友家的小孩，一个、两个...
I started to like, you know, with all my friends, kids, I'm like, that's one, two.
现在我们掉进查克芝士乐园了，
Now we're in Chuck E.
绝对不行。
Cheese land, not doing it.
所以孩子们会被请离现场。
So the children will be vacating the premises.
我要把克莱德送到我姑姑家去。
I am chucking Clyde off to my aunt's house.
他要参加一个过夜派对，这样大人们就能做回大人了。
He's having a sleepover so that the adults can be adults.
我上亚马逊买了个复古风格的饮料喷泉，我们会在那里循环供应预先调好的马提尼。
I went on Amazon and I bought a like vintage inspired drink fountain where we will be recirculating pre batched martinis.
然后我又去了本地的古董店。
And then I went to my local antique store.
我买了一个漂亮的银托盘，上面有这些精美的斯特林花纹。
I bought a beautiful silver tray with these beautiful steerlings.
这是斯特林银吗？
Is it steerling silver?
是这个材质吗？
Is that what it is?
我不知道。
I don't know.
所有这些绝美的复古银碗，我要用蓝纹奶酪橄榄、普通橄榄、黄瓜、柠檬皮和鸡尾酒洋葱配镀金牙签，打造一个完整的马提尼酒吧。
Like all these gorgeous, like vintage silver bowls, and I'm going to do a whole martini bar with like blue cheese olives, regular olives, cucumbers, lemon peel and cocktail onions with like gilded toothpicks.
然后我还从亚马逊买了喷雾瓶，就是那些仿古水晶喷雾瓶，我要一个装苦艾酒，一个装橄榄汁。
And then I've got the atomizers from Amazon, like these like faux vintage crystal bottles, spray bottles, and I'm gonna fill one with vermouth, one with olive juice.
在Jackie Schimmel账号关注我。
Follow me at Jackie Schimmel.
我会全程分享的。
I'll be posting all about it.
内容创作就是我的生命。
Content is my life.
现场会有照相亭和环形补光灯。
There will be a photo booth and a ring light.
开个玩笑。
Just kidding.
我朋友们真的会当场走人。
My friends would quite literally leave.
然后我要买下整批货，因为我要做鱼子酱蘸酱。
And then I'm buying the lot because I'm doing a caviar dip.
显然，我要做我已故母亲的犹太光明节鸡肉。
Obviously, I'm making my dead mother's Hanukkah chicken.
配色方案显然是芥末黄，有点像浓郁的丝绒琥珀色，再加上淡紫色。
The color scheme is obviously like a mustardy, kind of like rich velvet amber and then mauve.
这些漂亮的餐具其实是从Pottery Barn买的。
And I bought these beautiful actually from Pottery Barn.
没想到吧，有个购买链接。
Go figure a link.
也许我不会分享。
Maybe I won't.
这些看起来像古董的芥末黄水杯，我要和我两年前买的从没用过的复古紫色玻璃杯搭配使用，还有我那些淡粉色餐盘。
These like kind of antique looking like mustard goblets for water that I'm gonna be mixing with these vintage purple glasses that I bought like two years ago that I've never used with like my pale pink plates.
这将会非常令人兴奋。
And it's just going to be so exciting.
我还逛了Wayfair。
I also went on Wayfair.
这不是广告。
This is not an ad.
只是一个女人在分享购物心得。
This is just a woman sharing things.
我在Wayfair上买了各式各样的餐巾环。
I went on Wayfair and I bought a myriad of napkin rings.
首先买了些藤编折叠椅，总觉得家里需要备些备用椅子。
First, I got some like cane folding chairs because I feel like I just need to have spare chairs.
不想每次家里来超过10位客人就去租椅子，毕竟餐厅只能坐10个人。
I don't want to like use a rental service every time I have more than 10 people over at my house because my dining room only seats 10.
但我还是买了这些。
But I'm getting these.
明天要去家得宝买些胶合板，把餐桌加长到能坐16人——房间明明有空间，只是平时摆着太挤了。
I'm gonna go to the Home Depot tomorrow and I'm gonna get some plywood boards cut to extend my dining table so that it can hold, like, up to 16 people because the room has the space for it, but it's just too crowded for an everyday setup.
能坐16人的餐桌简直太夸张也太大了。
A 16 person dining table is like ridiculous and too big.
所以我打算定制些胶合板，可以铺在餐桌上增加宽度和长度，再用桌布盖住。
So I'm going to get plywood made that I can lay on top of my dining table to extend the width and length, and then I'm going to cover it with my tablecloth.
然后我在Wayfair上买了些藤编折叠椅，聚会时可以存放在车库里。
And then I went on Wayfair and I got these folding cane chairs that I can store in the garage when I have parties.
需要时就能搬出来用，不用总是租家具。
I can bust them out so I'm not like renting furniture all the time.
我还买了些大理石餐巾环，以及黄铜镶玫瑰石英的款式——可能偏Z画廊风格，但得拆开看看是否适合我的餐桌布置。
And then I also bought these marble napkin rings, and then I bought these brass napkin rings with like a piece of rose quartz, which could be leaning Z gallery, but I kind of have to just open them and see it for myself and see if they work with my table scape.
所有人都会迫不及待想看到效果。
Everyone will be on the edge of their seat waiting for it.
不过我对这个很期待。
But I'm excited about that.
哦对了，说回贝瑟妮·弗兰克尔的家。
And oh, back to Bethany Frankel's house.
这个故事告诉我们我是个超级女主人，而且我经常咨询Wayfair。
The moral of that story is I'm a hostess with the mostess and I consult Wayfair quite often.
这栋房子真正让我觉得有趣的是——你知道，我理解她站出来宣称自己从未在Wayfair或HomeGoods购物时那种'去你的吧'的心态，然后就开始炫耀她的房地产投资组合，这确实令人印象深刻。
The things that really tickled me about the house were it's you know, I understand that she came forward and she was like, I never bought anything from Wayfair or HomeGoods booyah bitch mentality and then started, you know, flexing her real estate portfolio, which is obviously very impressive.
她拥有过很多房产。
She's owned a lot of homes.
她出售过很多房产。
She's sold a lot of homes.
她在房地产上赚了很多钱。
She's made a lot of money in real estate.
恭喜你贝瑟妮。
Mazel Tov Bethany.
但这并不能改变房子审美风格并非人人能接受的事实。
That doesn't negate from the fact that the home's aesthetic is It's not for everyone.
这种风格难以消化。
It's not digestible.
这某种程度上是她的反驳论点——她设计房屋是为了让任何人都能想象自己住在那里。
That was kind of her counterargument is that she designs homes so that anyone can imagine themselves living there.
而且你知道，她并没有在设计特色上投入太多。
And you know, she doesn't invest a lot in in the specialties of design.
我倒认为安装那个人字形主题墙花了不少功夫，用的只能说是那种自粘墙纸。
I would argue that it took a lot of effort to install a Chevron statement wall with what could only be described as peel and stick wallpaper.
我倒觉得找两幅超大尺寸的量产油画比直接买件艺术品还费劲。
I would argue that finding two oversized mass produced canvases took more work than just a beautiful piece of art.
要知道，那才是你真正拥有的投资品。
You know, that's an investment that you own.
我说这话是出于爱，作为一个曾考虑过炒房的人。
I say this with love as someone who has floated flipping a property.
比如如果我要买投资房产，我肯定不会用那种方式——你知道的，什么Vardo涂料、Farrow & Ball色浆、穆拉诺水晶和迪斯科球熔铸桌之类的。
Like if I was to buy an investment property, I would do it in a way that obviously I would not be doing, you know, Vardo, Farrow and ball, like color washing and Murano crystals and disco ball melted tables.
我可能会选本杰明·摩尔的白花系列。
I would go, you know, a white flower by Benjamin Moore.
我可能会安装的不是大理石，而是漂亮的石英岩台面，搭配黄铜五金件。
I would install maybe not marble, but like beautiful quartzite countertops with a with a brass hardware.
类似Pottery Barn风格但更高级的东西。
Something that's like pottery barn but amped up.
要知道，有一种方式能做到既优雅、有品位，又经济实惠。
You know, there is a way to do it That's, you know, you know, there's elegance, there's taste, and there's cost effective nature.
这些特质并非相互排斥。
None of those things are mutually exclusive.
你完全可以在预算内打造出精美作品，并不意味着它就不易被接受。
You can do something on a budget that's also beautifully done, you know, and it doesn't mean that it's not digestible.
你可以做到既美观又易于接受，要知道，我相信这是一栋价值.
You can do digestible and tasteful, you know, with not a it's a I believe it's a $6,000,000 home, The statement wall.
你知道那些桌子及配套边几看起来就像刚从树根截断的树干。
And you know those tables and the matching side tables that she has that are like it's it looks like a tree trunk that was just cut cut at the root.
那些地毯在我看来简直疯狂。
And the rugs are just insane to me.
厨房就像图伦希尔顿花园分时度假酒店的欧陆早餐区，配有瀑布装饰、高光大理石或石英岩台面，还有这些拉菲草吊灯。
And the kitchen is like a Hilton Garden Tulum timeshare continental breakfast set up with the waterfall, high gloss marble or quartzite or whatever it is, porcelain countertops and then these like raffia light pendants.
哦，天啊。
Oh, God.
别让我开始说吊灯的事。
Don't get me started on pendants.
通过厨房吊灯就能看透一个人的全部。
You can tell everything about a person by their kitchen pendants.
把这句话刻骨铭心地记下来。
Write that down in blood.
好的。
Okay.
永远别忘了我说过这话，因为寥寥数语就能道尽一切。
Don't ever forget that I said that because you really it says so much with so little.
我们快速回到Bethany Frankel的豪宅导览。
Circling back quickly to the Bethany Frankel house tour.
我原以为只有一面主题墙，但看完录像后发现有好几面主题墙。
I thought there was just one statement wall, but after reviewing the footage, I think there's quite a few statement walls.
而且你知道，这些家具都是贴皮的。
And, you know, the furniture is giving veneered.
这是托夫家具。
It's it's it's tove furniture.
尺寸有点偏小。
It's a bit undersized.
不是吗？
No?
还有那些带流苏的椅子，配着冰棒艺术画和窗帘装饰。
And then those fringe chairs with, like, the popsicle art and the window treatments.
用了太多藤编元素。
There's so much rattan.
质感元素太多了，但不是好的那种——像是剑麻质感，不是高级的那种。
There's so much, like, texture, but, like, not in a good way, like an sisal way, not in, a rich way.
你懂我意思吗？
You know what I mean?
这非常Crate and Barrel风格。
It's very, it's Crate and Barrel.
天啊。
It's oh god.
这甚至比不上HomeGoods。
Is it is it it's not even HomeGoods.
说实话，说像HomeGoods都是抬举了。
HomeGoods is a compliment, quite frankly.
那些是假兰花吗？
Are those faux orchids?
我们难道就不能为拍摄准备些真绿植吗？
Like, we couldn't, like, invest in some greenery for the shoot.
那个冰冷的托盘，还有那些尺寸过小的咖啡桌书籍，实在让我难以接受。
Like, the sterile tray, the the undersized coffee table books are a problem for me.
所有这些批量生产的普通帆布画，还有那个突兀的小长凳，那些灯具。
Just all of the generic mass produced canvas art, like the rogue little bench, the light fixtures.
我不确定我是否提到过那些。
I'm not sure if I mentioned those.
地板...哦，天啊。
The floor it's oh, god.
那些枝形吊灯会一直困扰我。
Those chandeliers are that will haunt me.
这会让我做噩梦的。
That will haunt me.
还有这么多主题墙。
And so many statement walls.
光是这组照片里，我数了数就有五面主题墙。
I am counting just in this spread alone, like five statement walls.
她超爱那些大苹果装饰，我们都懂。
She loves those oversized apples like we get it.
纽约，那些装饰毯子。
New York, the throw blankets.
让我告诉你关于一条仿皮草毯子的事。
Let me tell you about a faux fur throw blanket.
如果你想让我彻底崩溃，就去Pottery Barn给我买一条那种仿皮草毯子。
If you want to send me into full cardiac arrest, pop on over to Pottery Barn and buy me one of those faux fur blankets.
我想正式声明，Jackie Schimmel不喜欢仿皮草毯子。
I would just like to go on the record and say that Jackie Schimmel doesn't like a faux fur blanket.
我就是不喜欢。
I just don't.
现在我沙发上就有一条Barefoot Dreams的毯子，因为我正处于冬眠模式，这让我很尴尬。
Now on my sofa right now, because I'm just like really in my hibernation Nina Banks mode, I do have a Barefoot Dreams blanket that I'm so embarrassed by.
真的，我羞愧得要死。
Like, I'm so I'm so mortified.
不是因为我觉得这产品不好，而是我今早忘记收起来了，我嫂子刚好过来看到，她可是Barefoot Dreams的狂热粉丝，我也是。
And not because I don't think it's an amazing product, but the fact that I like forgot to put it away this morning, my sister-in-law just came over and she's a big barefoot dreams enthusiast, as am I.
但我选择保持低调。
But, like, I keep that to myself.
就像，我把这份喜好深埋心底。
Like, I bury it deep.
我表面上不是那种迷恋Barefoot Dreams的女孩，但锁上门后——我是不是正穿着Barefoot Dreams睡袍裹着毯子？
I don't present as a barefoot dreams girly, but, like, you know, deadbolt the door is like, am I in a barefoot dreams robe with a throw blanket?
没错，正是如此。
Yes, I am.
但今早客人来访前我忘记藏起它，她惊呼'天啊我也超爱这条毯子'时
But the fact that I forgot to hide it before I had company come over this morning, she was like, oh my God, love that blanket too.
我只能支支吾吾'呃其实我平时...'，最后干脆承认'姐妹，拥抱真实的自己吧'
And I was like, oh, I don't like I I mean, I like usually and then I started like, ah, ah, And I was like, bitch, just lean in.
不管愿不愿意，你就是个Barefoot Dreams系的时髦精
You're a barefoot dreams kind of bitch, whether you like it or not.
不过要是《建筑文摘》来采访，我肯定会换上定制的Pierre Frey彩虹格纹毯
But if I had Architectural Digest coming over, I would have custom Pierre Fray like like that beautiful rainbow plaid.
你要是觉得我没试过找人定制这些毯子，那你可太天真了。
And if you think I haven't tried to get those blankets made, Okay, you're crazy.
就像，我想要一条超大号的马海毛彩虹格纹毯。
Like, I want an oversized like mohair, like rainbow plaid.
知道我现在想把什么元素大量融入家居设计吗？
You know what I'm trying to incorporate a lot into the home?
雪铁龙。
Citron Citroen.
先在心里默念一下这个词。
Just sit with it for a second.
我数到三，大家一起说雪铁龙。
On the count of three, let's all say Citroen.
一、二、三，雪铁龙。
One, two, three Citroen.
谢谢。
Thank you.
除了将Citroen融入我的衣橱和家居美学之外，还有更激动人心的进展。
More exciting developments besides the fact that I'm incorporating Citroen into both my wardrobe and my home aesthetic.
昨晚我看了Eris巡演纪录片的前两集。
I watched the Eris tour documentary last night, the first two episodes.
而且，你知道吗？我开始对泰勒·斯威夫特产生了新的敬意，因为我喜欢她上节目时说的那番话——当人们问她为什么不休息一下，让别人也出出风头时。
And, you know, I I'm starting to develop a newfound respect for Taylor Swift because I like that she went on the late show and said, you know, that people will ask her like, why don't you take a break and let someone else, you know, steal the spotlight for a second?
比如，给别人一个机会。
Like, give someone else a chance.
而她非常坦率地说：我不想。
And she very vulnerably said, I don't want to.
我认为泰勒·斯威夫特现在更真实地展现了自己——一个喜欢大杀四方的狠角色。
And I think Taylor Swift is now more accurately presenting herself as someone who likes to fucking kill.
她是个杀手，她渴望胜利。
She's a killer and she wants to win.
而不是像以前那样，虽然她可能也有这一面，但很长一段时间里，她展现的都是那种邻家女孩的形象。
And instead of, like, presenting as this, like, not that she might be this way also, but I think for a long time, it was very much like girls, girl, like, you know, she wasn't showing, like, the ruthless side of Taylor Swift.
要那么出名，达到那种事业高度，你必须是个狠角色。
And to be that famous and to have that level of a career, you have to be a motherfucking killer.
懂吗？
Okay?
你可以把自己打扮得闪闪发光，穿小裙子剪刘海。
So you can put yourself in sparkly little skirts and cut bangs.
但归根结底，那妞儿是个狠角色。
But at the end of the day, that bitch is a killer.
我这话是夸她的。
And I mean that as a compliment.
我觉得她对自己和观众越诚实——承认自己就想当史上最牛逼最厉害的那个——我们反而会尊重这种真实。
And I think the more honest that she is with herself and the audience about her wanting to be the biggest, the best, the baddest of all time, we can respect the authenticity.
你懂我意思吧？
You know what I mean?
这就是她的本性。
Like, that's who she is.
胜者为王，败者为寇。
And winners win and losers lose.
是的，每个人都有立足之地吗？
And yes, is there a place for everyone?
某种程度上是有的。
Kind of.
但巅峰只有一个位置，而她正拼尽全力守住那个天赋异禀的位置。
But there's only one spot at the top, and she's holding on to that for dear talent life.
正因如此，我尊重她。
And for that, I can respect her.
当她第二集里给团队发了1.87亿美元奖金时，我哭了吗？
Did I weep in the second episode when she gave $187,000,000 of bonuses to her crew?
是的，我哭了。
Yes, I did.
没错，我哭了。
Yes, I did.
因为说到底，你知道，她说到做到。
Because at the end of the day, you know, she put her money where her mouth is.
好吗？
Okay?
她还准备了一支小蜡烛和一个小印章，给每个人都手写了一封信。
And she got a little she got a little candle and a little stamp, and she wrote everyone a handwritten letter.
说实话，哪怕我们暂且做个刻薄鬼——
And the truth is that whether if that let's just be a cunt for a second.
就算那是作秀，好像在说‘看我多伟大’，谁他妈在乎呢？
If that was performative to be like, look what an amazing person I am, who fucking cares?
支票已经兑现了。
Those checks cleared.
那些人生确实被改变了。
Those lives are still changed.
所以动机其实无关紧要，因为她确实做到了。
So the motive is kind of null and void because she did it and she executed.
为此，我要举杯致敬，大理石浴缸里的泰勒·斯威夫特。
So for that, I say cheers, Taylor Swift in the marble bathtub.
我需要一个大理石浴缸吗？
Do I need a marble bathtub?
我不确定。
I'm not sure.
我是不是疯狂搜索过她住的是哪家酒店？
Did I frantically look what hotel she was staying at?
因为我心想，这些伦敦室内装潢我完全认不出来。
Because I'm like, I don't recognize those London interiors.
是新建的瑰丽酒店。
It's the new Rosewood.
剧透预警。
Spoiler alert.
下次独自旅行时我一定要住那里。
And I will be staying there on my next solo venture.
Eras巡演以某种方式将人们聚集在一个安全环境中尽情展现自我，这确实令人动容。
And there is something very moving about the way that the Eris tour really did bring people together in, a safe setting to just, like, geek out.
我的意思是，说到底，有件事大家都不愿明说——但老实说这是种赞美。
I mean, at the end of the day, here's what nobody wants to say, and it's a compliment, honestly.
某种程度上算是吧。
Kind of.
很多明星，比如泰勒·斯威夫特，归根结底就是些痴迷舞台的老戏骨，不是书呆子那种类型。
A lot of these celebrities, Okay, are just big old fucking theater nerds at the end of the day, like Taylor Swift, not in a like dorky bookworm way.
说真的，泰勒·斯威夫特本质上就是个可爱的怪才。
Like Taylor Swift, lovingly, is a nerd.
懂吧？
Okay.
要是她的刘海还没让你意识到这点，这部纪录片绝对能说明问题。
And I mean, if the bangs didn't tell you that, this docuseries absolutely will.
她创造了一个让人们能戴着闪光手环、穿着应援服装放肆当粉丝的环境，可以声嘶力竭合唱十分钟版的《All Too Well》，瞬间穿越回七年级被初恋男友甩掉还差点破处的青春岁月。
And to create an environment where people can be fucking nerds with their fucking bracelets, Okay, and their outfits and sing at the top of their lungs, A ten minute version of All Too Well that transports them to the seventh grade when they got dumped and half finger bang by their first boyfriend.
她们穿着亮片上衣进行着疗愈体验，就像梅尔·罗宾斯说的，随她们去吧。
And they're having a therapeutic experience in a sequin top, like, let them, as Mel Robbins would say.
我认为'调暗灯光'巡演也有类似但本质不同的情谊氛围。
I would argue that the dim the lights tour had a similar but deeply dissimilar camaraderie.
现在不是建造安全堡垒，我策划的——说到底还是关于我——更像是善意网络暴力的环境，大家都在分析嘲笑斜挎包，就像穿着睡衣敷着面膜畅饮伏特加的女人们。
Now, instead of, you know, building a fortress of safety, you know, I think that what I curated, it all goes back to me, is an environment of, like, well intentioned cyberbullying, everyone analyzing and making fun of cross body bags, like vodka flowing women in pajamas with, like, face masks on.
我在那些演出中遇到的独自前来却结伴离场的女性数量之多。
The amount of women that I met at those shows that came alone and left like best violent friends with another person.
我简直无法形容。
I cannot even tell you.
记得我在清水城做见面会——那么多地方偏偏是清水城。
I remember I was doing a meet and greet in, of all places, Clearwater.
有两个女孩排队时像姐妹般互相言语攻击。
And these two girls were in line and they were like verbally assaulting each other like sisters.
你们这是在干嘛？
Do you like, what are you doing?
你头发看起来糟透了。
Your hair looks like shit.
能涂点唇彩吗？
Could you put some lip gloss on?
天啊。
Oh my God.
她会嘲笑你的包。
She's going to make fun of your bag.
你就是个斜挎包。
You are a cross body bag.
天啊。
Oh my God.
看看这个带包的贱人。
Look at this bitch with her bag.
她们你来我往，有种难以否认的默契。
And they're going back and forth and they have this, like, undeniable chemistry.
我对他们说，你们是姐妹吗？
And I said to them, I'm like, are you guys sisters?
她们说，不是。
And they're like, no.
我们在酒吧认识的。
We met at the bar.
她们还互相参加了对方的婚礼。
And they're in each other's weddings.
说真的，我其实很喜欢。
Like, I like, actually.
实际上，我收到了很多婚礼邀请，那些在人群中认识的人，瞬间就成了最好的朋友，因为大家都有着粗粝外表下的金子心，都是大混蛋，生活方式也很相似。
Like, actually, I got invited to so many weddings and, like, people that they met in the crowd, like, they're, like, best instant friends because it's just a common ground of being kind of rough around the edges, a heart of gold, massive cunt, like, similar lifestyle.
我想晚上9点就上床睡觉，但同时又能恶毒地议论陌生人。
I wanna be in bed by 9PM and, like, also violently talk shit about strangers.
这种东西是装不出来的。
Like, it's just you can't fabricate it.
善变的公主回来了，我要给你们讲讲英雄面包。
The fluctuating princess is back, and I'm here to tell you about hero bread.
对Jaquie来说这可不是一年中最好的时光，刚吃完体重相当的法棍面包就直接进入节日季。
This has not been the best time of year for Jaquie, coming off eating my weight in baguettes and then straight into the holiday season.
这段时间要坚持健康目标可不容易。
It is a tough time to maintain your health goals.
幸好有英雄面包帮我保持正轨。
Thankfully, Hero Bread helps me stay on track.
英雄面包让我既能坚持健康目标，又不必放弃任何最爱的节日美食。
Hero Bread helps me make sure I can maintain my health goals without having to sacrifice any of my favorite holiday dishes.
现在使用我的优惠码bible在hero.co下单可享9折优惠。
Right now, you can get 10% off your order with my code bible at hero dot co.
好的。
Okay.
想想你最爱的节日美食：自制馅料、奶油通心粉奶酪、面包布丁，对我来说基本上所有面包类食物都算。
Think about all your fave holiday dishes, homemade stuffing, creamy mac and cheese, bread pudding, basically anything bread based for me.
味道很棒但会让我因碳水化合物而冒汗。
It tastes great but leaves me with the carb sweats.
幸运的是，英雄面包产品种类丰富，你无需牺牲任何喜爱的菜肴去搜寻新食谱。
Luckily, hero bread has such a wide variety of products, so you don't have to sacrifice any of your favorite dishes to go searching for new recipes.
他们有贝果、面包、玉米饼，还有这些小批量烘焙的美味点心，比如酥脆可颂，简直太棒了。
They've got bagels, breads, tortillas, and also these delicious small batch bakes like flaky croissants, which are so great.
这些是蒜香晚餐卷。
They're garlicky dinner rolls.
你能同时摄入纤维、减少碳水、增加蛋白质，一举三得，还不用舍弃美味。
You're getting fiber, you're cutting carbs, and you're adding protein to your diet all in one without sacrificing the good stuff.
还有，你必须试试英雄面条。
Also, the hero noodles you have to try.
它们比畅销面条少60%热量，蛋白质含量更高。
They have 60% fewer calories than best selling noodles and more protein.
无需妥协，只有美味。
No compromises, just flavor.
净碳水化合物含量0到5克，零糖分，高纤维。
Zero to five grams of net carbs, zero grams of sugar, and high in fiber.
非常适合送给那些注重健康又热爱美食的亲朋好友。
Perfect for gifting those health conscious loved ones who still love good food.
Hero Bread正在提供订单九折优惠。
Hero Bread is offering 10% off your order.
访问hero.co，结账时使用优惠码bible。
Go to hero.co and use code bible at checkout.
重复一遍：在hero.co使用优惠码bible。
That is bible at hero.co.
我能告诉你们这周社交媒体上那些让我想撞墙的潮流趋势吗？这周的主题是——
Can I tell you something that is just ruining my life on social media this week in this week's edition of social media trends that make Jackie want to stick her head in the oven?
『贱人闭嘴挑战』。
The bitch shut the fuck up challenge.
如果你还不知道这个挑战，我真羡慕你。
If you are not privy to this, I'm jealous.
这听起来确实像是个有趣的派对游戏。
It's it actually does sound like a fun party game.
我可能会在光明节提出来，但基本上就是一群人轮流在镜头前表演他们最拿手的台词。
I might float it at Hanukkah, but basically, like groups of people, they go in front of the camera and they deliver their best delivery of they deliver their best delivery.
杰姬，他们可造不出像你这样的可人儿。
Jackie, they don't make them like you, sweetheart.
闪耀吧。
Shine bright.
为你真实的自己而闪耀。
Shine for who you are.
做一颗星星。
Be a star.
这就是我。
That's me.
他们走到镜头前说：'婊子，给老娘闭嘴'
They go to the camera and they say, bitch, shut the fuck up.
昨天我看的第一个视频里，那群婊子简直惨得让人心碎。
Now the first one that I watched yesterday was, like, the saddest broken group of bitches.
懂吗？
Okay?
她们就会说'婊子闭嘴'这种话。
And they were like, bitch, shut up.
闭闭闭...闭嘴。
Shut the f f.
天啊。
Oh my god.
太调皮了。
Like, so naughty.
我就说，来我家过个晚上吧。
I'm like, spend an evening in my house.
好吧。
Okay.
过去三天我一直想让克莱德骂我贱人，他就是不肯。
I have been trying to get Clyde to call me a cunt for the past three days, and he won't do it.
总是这样。
This is always the thing.
我觉得那些家庭会说，别说那种话。
I feel like the families that are like, don't say that.
那是脏话。
That's a bad word.
不准说脏话。
Don't cuss.
那些孩子反而总说脏话。
Those kids always cuss.
但当你真的想让他们说脏话时，因为太习以为常了反而没意思。
But when you're actively trying to get them to cuss, it's so normalized that it's not cool.
克莱德完全没兴趣。
And Clyde has zero interest.
我说，扇我一巴掌然后叫我婊子。
I'm like, slap me across the face and call me a bitch.
他绝对不会那么做的。
Like, he would never.
我经常对他说，拜拜，婊子。
I'm like, because I say to him all the time, I'm like, bye, bitch.
就像是一种亲昵的爱称。
Like, just kind of like lovingly term of endearment.
我就问，克莱德，你能说'婊子'这个词吗？
And I'm like, Clyde, can you say bitch?
他回答，不，妈妈。
And he goes, no, mommy.
我就想，哇，真有礼貌。
And I'm like, wow, manners.
真有礼貌。
Manners.
谁？
Who?
你从哪儿弄来的？
Where'd you get those?
不是给我的。
Not for me.
但我会展现出我最贱的一面。
But I'm gonna deliver my best bitch.
给我闭嘴。
Shut the fuck up.
因为我有两个版本。
Because I have two versions.
其中一个是：贱人，给我闭嘴。
One of them is, bitch, shut the fuck up.
还是我应该安静点？
Or do I get like quiet with it?
然后我说，婊子，给我闭嘴。
And I go, bitch, shut the fuck up.
我觉得关键在于节奏和那种气势。
I think it's really just about the cadence and that up.
我更喜欢说‘给我闭嘴，婊子’。
I would prefer it to be shut the fuck up, bitch.
或者说‘婊子，给我闭嘴’。
Or bitch, shut the fuck up.
就是那种，不给人回嘴余地的感觉。
Like, something that's, like, not inviting a response.
这就是我的表达方式。
That's how I would deliver it.
但你知道，这些贱人已经没救了。
But, you know, these bitches are broken.
贱人，给我闭嘴。
Bitch, shut the fuck up.
他们发出紧张的笑声。
They're like nervous giggles.
他们大概30岁左右。
They were like 30.
你在开玩笑吗？
Are you kidding me?
你从来没让哪个贱人闭嘴过。
You've never told a bitch to shut the fuck up.
好的。
Okay.
从没在圣诞节期间去过托潘加购物中心。
Never been to the Topanga Mall during Christmas time.
我正想找人吵架呢，你知道的，其实我一直都是这样，我得控制自己，因为我在外面时会自言自语。
I'm looking to have altercations, you know, like I really am all the time, and I have to watch myself because I talk to myself when I'm out in the wild.
所以如果有人做了蠢事，我就会当场解说。
So if someone is doing something stupid, I'm narrating it.
比如当人们这样——这可是我的最爱，懂吗？
Like when people this is my favorite shit, Okay?
现在可是欢乐的圣诞季。
It is the ho ho ho holiday season.
我刚去商场买了些最后时刻的礼物。
I just went to the mall to go pick up some last minute gifts.
明白吗？
Okay?
你走进商场的主通道，明白吗？
And you walk into the mall, the main walkway, Okay?
然后有个穿芦荟套装的蠢女人从双扇门进来后突然停下开始发短信。
And then you get some dumb slut in an aloe set, Okay, who enters through the double doors and then stops and starts texting.
你就会说：女士，注意人流。
And you're like, ma'am, flow of traffic.
你怎么在地球上活了这么久，作为半功能人类，却不知道不该在门口通道停留？
How have you not lived long enough on this earth as like a semi functioning human being that you don't know to stop in a walkway, in an entrance of a door.
喂，你没事吧，贱人？
Like, are you Okay, bitch?
让开，让开。
Move, move.
我知道，我没说出来，但我只会低声嘀咕，哦，好吧，对，我们就停在这儿不走了。
And I, know, I don't say that, but what I'll do in like a low murmur is like, Oh, Okay, yeah, we're just going to we're just going to stop.
没错，我们就是要堵住通道。
And yep, we're going to we're gonna obstruct the flow of traffic.
不，我很好。
No, I'm good.
反正我也不急着去哪儿。
Like, I don't need to get anywhere.
来，让我等着你发完那条可悲的信息。
Like, let me just wait for you to send your sad text.
不，你就不能往左挪挪吗？往左挪！
Like, no, you couldn't move to the left to the left.
你所有的东西都装进左边盒子里。
Everything you own in a box to the left.
往左边挪。
Move to the left.
别挡着车流。
Move out of the flow of traffic.
真让我震惊。
Blows my mind.
机场工作人员都理解不了。
Airports can't understand it.
你难道从没去过机场吗？
Like, have you never been to an airport?
这太疯狂了。
This is crazy.
在巴黎机场，我们正在过安检。
At the airport in Paris, we're going through TSA.
有个女人把刻了花的剪刀，就是那种锋利的厨房剪刀，放在她的背包里。
There is a woman who had she had engraved scissors, like sharp kitchen scissors in her backpack.
结果多花了二十五分钟，因为我们得取回我们的东西，就因为她带了锋利的剪刀，她还说‘哦，原来在这儿呢’。
And it took an extra twenty five minutes because we had to to get our things because she brought sharp scissors and she said, oh, there there they are.
我找人刻了这些花纹。
I got those engraved.
我觉得用来剪丝带会很有趣。
I thought they'd be fun for cutting ribbons.
然后她还带了个水瓶。
And then she had a water bottle.
我心想，她还带着孩子。
And I'm thinking to myself and she had children with her.
我说，在孩子面前这么愚蠢真是太尴尬了。
I said, how embarrassing to be so stupid in front of your children.
太尴尬了。
How embarrassing.
你打包了从TikTok上看到的那家店买的刻花厨房剪刀。
You packed engraved kitchen shears that you got, like at a shop that you saw on TikTok.
我当时就在那家店。
I was at that shop.
我知道。
I know.
我可没买该死的剪刀。
I didn't get fucking scissors.
好吧。
Okay.
我给每个人都买了200美元的梳子。
I got $200 hairbrushes for everybody.
但我买剪刀了吗？
But did I get scissors?
没有。
No.
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