2024年施密尔·施罗德与斯塔西·施罗德

我觉得她是回来了，但她是个科学教徒，而且你知道，我去过那里，所以我有点怕他们。

I think that she's back, but she's a Scientologist, and like, you know, I've been there, so like, I'm just kinda scared of them.

你去过科学教？

You've been to Scientology?

我当过两天的科学教徒。

I was a Scientologist for two days.

闭嘴

Shut

他妈的

the fuck

这个故事我都讲过无数遍了。

I've told this story so many times.

好吧。

Okay.

我之前不知道这事。

I didn't know this.

我和杰克斯曾当过两天的科学教徒。

Me and Jax were Scientologists for two days.

他们告诉我不能去上课。

I They told me that I wasn't allowed to go to class.

我甚至不被允许在课堂上喝水或带任何东西。

I wouldn't wasn't allowed to have water or anything in class.

他们不允许我喝水之类的，所有这些规定让我觉得，不行，绝对不行。

I wasn't allowed to drink, like, and all these things that I was like, yeah, no.

要知道，你本有可能嫁给汤姆·克鲁斯的。

You could have been married to Tom Cruise, just so you know.

是啊。

Yeah.

我的人生就完美了。

My life would have been made.

真希望我当时坚持下来了。

I wish I would have stuck it out.

我当时有，

I had,

我前几天刚找到我的科学教会员卡。

like I just found my Scientology card the other day.

天啊。

Oh my god.

这太不可思议了。

I that's amazing.

我需要...我需要...

I need to I need to

是什么吸引你加入科学教会的？

What explain drew you to the Church of Scientology?

呃，首先这是大概七年前的事了。

Well, first of this was, like, seven years ago.

你来的洛杉矶后就在想，洛杉矶人都干些什么？

You came to LA, and you were like, what do LA people do?

嗯，我在手腕上系了红绳，

Well, I wore my red string on my my wrist,

但它

but it

看起来像是卡巴拉教的。

looks like kabbalah.

等等。

Wait.

科学教徒会戴红绳吗？

Do Scientologists wear a red string?

不会。

No.

我是说，在洛杉矶时你会做什么？

Meaning, like, what do you do when you're in LA?

哦，好吧。

Oh, okay.

我在科学教派的会议上戴着我的红绳。

I had my red string at the Scientology meeting.

嗯哼。

Mhmm.

贾克斯有一天回家了，因为他为他们拍了个广告，但就像，你在电视上看不到这些广告。

Jax came home one day because he did a commercial for them, but, like, you don't see the commercials, like, on TV.

就像是，只有内部人员才能看到这些广告。

Like, it's, like, the only inner people see the commercials.

所以他回来了。

And so he came back.

他，你知道的，我跟他提起过你，而且我真的觉得我们应该去。

He's, you know, I told him about you, and, like, I really think that we should go.

他们想见我们。

They wanna meet with us.

而我，你在跟我开玩笑吗？

And I'm, are you fucking kidding me?

外星人那个地方？

The alien place?

当然要去。

Fuck yeah.

我想去问他们一大堆问题，挑战他们。

I wanna go and ask them a million questions and challenge them.

所以，我做了功课。

So, like, I did my research.

我准备好了。

I was prepared.

就像我会和上门传教的摩门教徒聊上四十五分钟。

Like, I'll talk a Mormon that comes to my doorstep for, like, forty five minutes.

所以我懂那种感觉。

So I get it.

这很吸引人。

It's fascinating.

鸡尾酒。

Cocktail.

我们聊聊。

Let's talk.

他们显然拒绝了。

They say no, obviously.

但我对其他人的宗教信仰非常着迷，并非出于评判的态度，因为

But I I'm, like, very fascinated by other people's religions, and not in a judgmental way, because

纯粹是出于一种'你到底在想什么'的好奇。

Just in a what the fuck are you thinking way.

是啊。

Yeah.

就像，特别是对科学教派的人，我总想问你还好吗？

Just like well, especially with Scientologists, I'm like, you are, like, are you okay?

没错。

Yeah.

你是说拥抱吗？

It's it's Do you mean a hug?

这比我想象的更疯狂，比如，我只在那里待了两天，就经历了一些奇怪的事情，感觉非常诡异。

Like It's crazier than I feel like like, oh, I was only there for two days, and I had a a crazy like, it was weird.

他们把我们分开了。

They separated us.

我不得不单独进一个房间看了两小时的视频，而他则去了另一个房间。

I had to go into a separate room and watch this video for two hours, and he went in a separate room.

科学教教堂里提供鸡尾酒吗？

Do they serve cocktails at

科学教教堂？

the Church of Scientology?

不。

No.

他们不提供。

They don't.

你甚至在前一晚不允许服用阿司匹林，上课时也不允许喝水。

You're not even allowed to take an aspirin the night before, like much you're not allowed to have water during your classes.

因为你必须保持清醒。

Because you have to be clear.

我真的对科学教感到非常困惑。

I'm I as I literally am so confused by Scientology.

就是，我完全理解不了。

Like, I do not understand it.

科学教徒自己也不理解

Scientologists don't understand

它。

it.

他们就像是，我甚至不...我不

They it's like, I don't even I don't

明白它的吸引力在哪里。

get what the pull is.

我不明白，他们就是这样拉人入教的。

I don't it's this is this is how they get people in.

是啊。

Yeah.

他们让你觉得克鲁斯会

They make you feel like Cruise is

跟你上床，只要你

gonna fuck you if you get

加入教会。

into the church.

他们先让你感觉自己是他们最好的朋友。

They make you feel like, first of all, you're their best friend.

哦。

Oh.

而且每个人都那么友善，心情愉悦。

And, like, everybody's so nice and in a good mood.

是啊。

Yeah.

所以就像说，能让所有人都心情愉快的地方，肯定是个好地方。

So it's like any place that everybody could be in a good mood must be, like, a good place.

应该不至于那么糟吧。

Can't be that bad.

周日去吃个早午餐不香吗？

Just go to brunch on a Sunday?

我是说真的假的？

I mean Seriously?

去西好莱坞吃顿早午餐吧。

Go to brunch in West Hollywood.

每个人都在

Everyone's in

超级开心的状态。

a fucking great mood.

无限续杯的血腥玛丽。

Bottomless Bloody Marys.

你可以喝无限续杯的饮料。

You do a bottomless drink.

我不喝无限续杯的。

I don't do bottomless.

这会让我

It freaks me

发慌。

out.

我以前喝，但现在觉得那些无限续杯的血腥玛丽酒精含量太低了，简直毫无意义。

I used to, but now I just feel like the Bloody Marys that are bottomless, the alcohol level is like so low that like there's really no point.

是啊。

Yeah.

全是热量，满满的液体热量。

Lots of calories, lots of liquid calories.

他们用的是哪种酒啊？

And like what kind of alcohol are they using?

我会起疹子。

I get rashy.

嗯，你比我讲究多了。

Well, you're a little more bougie than I am.

我可没那么讲究。

I'm not that bougie.

你住在卡拉巴萨斯的豪宅里。

You live in a house in Calabasas.

好吧。

Okay.

住在西好莱坞没有中央空调的公寓里。

Live in an apartment in West Hollywood with no central AC.

我们可是坐在你精心布置的水晶吊灯下面呢。

As we're sitting under your crystal chandelier, like, placed.

那是在overstock.com上买的。

That was from overstock.com.

它是个昂贵水晶灯的仿制品。

It's a replica of an expensive one.

哦，我不记得这事了。

Oh, I don't remember that.

如果我是单身的话，让我把话说清楚。

If I was alone let me just be very clear.

如果我是单身，好吧，而且没有安德鲁的话，我可能会和17个室友挤在上下铺，还戴着劣质接发。

If I was alone, okay, and I didn't have Andrew, I would probably be living with 17 roommates in a bunk bed with bad hair extensions.

接发。

Extensions.

你懂的。

Just so you know.

好好想想这个画面吧。

Just let that sink in.

所以我没那么小资。

So I'm not that bougie.

懂了吗？

Okay?

我只是因为关系才变得小资。

I'm bougie by affiliation.

你是天生小资，而我后来才变俗的。

You're bougie by I was bougie at birth, and then I dropped off.

但你是自己学会不买扬基蜡烛的吗？

But, like, did you, like, learn to not, like, Yankee Candle on your own?

还是说...

Or, like

我觉得那是我童年就养成的习惯。

I think that was just from my childhood.

比如我早就知道扬基蜡烛是买不起的，这不是什么好事。

Like, I knew when Yankee Candles were were off limits, that's not a good thing.

所以，你是说，成长得很有格调？

So, I mean, like, grew up classy?

是的。

Yes.

我成长环境不错，但说不上格调，只是你知道，我们那会儿不兴扬基蜡烛那一套。

I grew up well, I don't know about classy, but, like, I you know, Yankee Candles were not a thing.

这很中西部特色。

It's a it's very Midwest.

倒不是贬义。

Not in a bad way.

大家都别紧张，但我确实在TJ Maxx买蜡烛。

Everyone relax, but I'm just we I buy my candles at TJ Maxx.

我在TJ Maxx有个熟人。

I have a guy at TJ Maxx.

他叫圣克莱尔。

His name's Saint Clair.

致敬一下。

Shout out.

他是黑人。

He's black.

他的

His

名字叫圣克莱尔？

name is Saint Clair?

圣克莱尔。

Saint Clair.

是的。

Yes.

所以他是第一位圣人？

So he was the first saint?

差不多吧。

Basically.

天啊。

Oh my gosh.

基本上是这样。

Basically.

我现在真的很担心他，因为他在TJ Maxx工作，会帮我藏东西。

And I'm really worried about him right now because he works at TJ Maxx, he hides things for me.

是啊。

Yeah.

而且当商品进入双倍清仓时他会提醒我。

And he alerts me when things go on double clearance.

没错。

Yeah.

有个Jeevan Chee的包。

There's a Jeevan Chee bag.

你真是典型的犹太人。

You are so Jewish.

哦，天哪。

Oh oh, my god.

我在TJ Maxx换标签。

I sticker swap at TJ Maxx.

就是说，我干些奇怪的事。

Like, I do weird shit.

闭嘴，你真是对偷窃上瘾啊。

Shut that's a oh my you really are into theft.

我喜欢这样。

I love it.

是啊。

Yeah.

我就是喜欢划算的交易。

I just like a deal.

TJ Maxx有纪梵希卖？

They have Givenchy at TJ Maxx?

是的，他们有。

Yes, they do.

也许我该去TJ Maxx看看。

Maybe I should go to TJ Maxx.

我完全不知道。

I had no idea.

实地考察。

Field trip.

我完全不知道。

I had no idea.

好吧。

Okay.

而且他们

And they

有超棒的蜡烛，才5.99美元。

have amazing candles for, like, $5.99.

我不喜欢到处找东西。

I don't like searching for things.

你明白我的意思吗？

Do you know what I mean?

这就是为什么你有个私人购物顾问。

That's why you have I have a private shopper.

他叫圣克莱尔，专门负责挑选商品。

His name is Saint Clair, and he pulls things.

等等。

Wait.

我得见见圣克莱尔。

I I need to meet Saint Clair.

他...他单身吗？

And is he is he single?

实际上，他...对，我记得他在推特上私信我说他觉得你很性感。

Actually, he, yeah, I think he tweeted me that he thinks you're hot.

是啊。

Yeah.

我一直想尝试些更刺激的东西。

I've been wanting to dip into, like, the darker darts.

我从来没试过那种。

I've never done that.

哦，你是想当个巧克力爱好者吗？

Oh, are you down for, like, a little chocolate lover?

我愿意尝试新事物。

I'm down to experience new things.

你知道有句话怎么说来着。

You know what they say.

一旦你尝过黑的，

Once you go black,

就再也回不去了。

you know go back.

这是你说过的最基本的话。

Most basic thing you've ever said.

可能不是，但也差不多。

Probably not, but it's pretty up there.

我有点担心圣克莱尔，因为他以为自己在TJ Maxx享受了多元化招聘的优待。

I'm worried about Saint Clair because he thought he had the diversity hire situation at TJ Maxx.

他总是说，我可以吃个超长的午餐。

He always said he's like, I can take an extra long lunch.

我可以在这里偷点懒，因为我是员工里唯一的黑人。

I can kinda cut corners here because I'm the only black person on staff.

我上周去过那里。

I went there last week.

那里还有个黑人女孩，我发短信告诉他了。

There's another black girl, and I I texted him about it.

靠。

Fuck.

我当时就对圣克莱尔说，我们得，你得振作起来，因为你不再是孤军奋战了。

I was like, Saint Clair, we gotta, like, you gotta get your shit together here because there's you're not alone anymore.

两个也不算多，我是说，那你知道的...

Two's not that big of an I mean, that's know what?

你知道有句老话怎么说来着。

You know what they say.

三人成虎。

Three's a crowd.

你说得对。

You're right.

而且他们可能...是啊。

And they probably yeah.

不。

No.

我觉得他应该没问题。

I think he might be good.

如果她是女性，嗯，你懂的。

And if she's female, well, you know.

是啊。

Yeah.

没错。

Exactly.

又不是两个黑人或者两个黑...你知道的，他们...他们确实是的。

It's not like there's two black guys or two black you know, they they they're yes.

简直是在疯狂搞多元化。

Diversifying like a motherfucker.

对啊。

Yeah.

他们必须这么做。

They have to.

他们就是不得不这样。

They just have to.

我觉得他们那儿还雇了个小个子员工。

They I think they have a little person working there too.

他们确实有这么个人。

They actually do have it.

说真的，我一点都没开玩笑。

I'm, like, not joking at all.

我这么说可要惹上大麻烦了。

I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble for that.

但是，你知道，我不是

But, you know, I it's not

我永远不会，我觉得自己很刻薄，因为我这辈子见过不少小个子的人。

I will never I feel really mean, because I've I've seen little people my whole life.

就像，我一直都...我也不知道为什么，但我这辈子身边总有这样的人或事。

Like, I've been around like, I I don't know what it is that I've been around it or something my whole life.

我向天发誓。

I swear to god.

但我带了——我能讲这个故事吗？

But I brought Am I allowed to tell this story?

可以。

Yes.

我带了我最好的一个朋友。

I brought my one of my best friends.

像是高中高年级——不对。

Like, senior senior year of high no.

大学一年级时，我带了一个朋友来洛杉矶。

Freshman year of college, I brought one of my friends to LA.

那差不多就在我搬来这里之前。

This is, like, right before I moved here.

好吧。

Okay.

我当时只是春假来这里，就我和

I just had spring break here, just me and

她。

her.

好的。

Okay.

我们当时正在好莱坞和高地的自动扶梯上，嗯。

And we're going up the escalator at Hollywood and Highland Mhmm.

因为，听着，你知道的，但在搬来这里之前，大家都会这么做。

Because, I mean, listen, you know, but but right before you move here, that's what you do.

那是游客会做的事。

That's the touristy thing you do.

所以别评判我。

So nobody judge me.

突然之间，她的脸色变得煞白。

And all of a sudden, her face goes white.

我就问，怎么了？

I'm like, what?

然后她说，我...我从来...我...我从来没见过小矮人。

And she's like, I've I've never I've I've never seen a little person before.

什么？

What?

他们正从...从对面下来，我们是在自动扶梯上相向而行。

And they were coming down the the like, we were going opposite ways of the escalator.

我笑得前仰后合，真的，你肯定会...我当时就想，她人呢？

I've never laughed so hard in my duck, like, you would have I'm like, the Where is she?

你从哪儿来的啊？

Where are you from?

她是住在...像是...他妈的小茅屋里吗？

Is she living, like, under like, in a fucking hut?

她怎么了？出什么事了？

What is she what's wrong?

她甚至都没意识到...你看，这对她来说是个全新体验，因为她以前从没经历过这种事。

She didn't even know it was like see, it was it was such an experience for her because she had never experienced it before.

我是说，这是在《权力的游戏》之前。

Mean, this is before Game of Thrones.

她需要多出去走走。

She needs to she needs to get out more.

确实。

She does.

是啊。

Yeah.

我是说，这就像...我就像，

I mean, that's like the that's I'm like,

姑娘，我们上的是同一所高中。

girl, we went to the same high school.

我们做的是同样的事情。

Like, where we did the same things.

你到底去哪儿了，我也不知道。

Like, where have you been I don't know.

这算什么，我甚至不确定这算不算一个刻薄的故事。

What what is I don't even know if that's a mean story to tell.

不。

No.

这不刻薄。

It's not mean.

只是

Just

我只是在复述一件事。

I'm just recapping something.

我并没有...我对这事没有看法，但我就是忍不住笑，因为觉得这太离奇了。

I'm not I I have no opinion about it, but the fact that I just couldn't stop laughing because I'm like, that's That's so bizarre.

太奇怪了。

It's so weird.

是啊。

Yeah.

我是少数族裔，所以我可以这么说。

I'm a minority, so I can say that.

各位，我是犹太人。

You guys, I'm a Jew.

大屠杀啊，真是的，就像，

The Holocaust, for fuck's sake, like,

因为我是纳粹。

I'm a because I'm a Nazi.

我是为数不多的幸存者之一。

I'm one of the few left.

没错。

Yes.

正是如此。

Exactly.

我们讨论过这个，因为我们要搭建桥梁，我们要竞选总统，希梅尔·施罗德。

We did we discussed this because we're building bridges because we're gonna run for president, Schimmel Schroeder.

嗯。

Mhmm.

我认为我们将能够吸引众多不同的选民群体。

I think that we'll, like, be able to get so many different demographics.

是啊。

Yeah.

因为犹太人从未担任过公职。

Because a Jew's never been off in office.

对。

Yeah.

我将代表雅利安民族。

I'm gonna represent the Aryan race.

你是

You're

也许是超级外邦人。

Maybe Super Gentile.

嗯。

Yeah.

你总有一天会变得非常像白人新教徒，我都等不及了。

You're gonna be so waspy one day, I cannot wait.

你会邀请我去你的乡村俱乐部吗？

Will you invite me to your country club?

我对乡村俱乐部有种爱恨交织的感觉，因为我祖父母从小让我去——我们现在还去那个该死的洛杉矶乡村俱乐部。

I have I have, like, a somewhat of an I have, like, this love hate with country clubs because my grandparents made me go growing we still go to the Los fucking Los Angeles country club.

每次节假日或者他们在城里时，他们总想让我和那些穿着马球衫的瘦小男孩约会。

Every time there's a holiday or they're in town, and they always used to want me to date, like, these skinny little boys who had, like, the polo shirts.

我就觉得，他们肯定不懂怎么上床。

And I'm like, they definitely do not know how to fuck.

我可不想和他们约会。

I do not wanna date them.

我才不和他们约会呢。

I'm not dating them.

呃。

Ugh.

而且，我还得穿长裤。

And, like, just I have to wear pants.

糟糕的布鲁克斯兄弟品牌，可我还不能露肩膀。

Bad Brooks Brother And yet I couldn't ever show my shoulders.

也不能露胸。

Or tits.

什么都不行。

Couldn't do anything.

每次为乡村俱乐部挑选衣服都让我压力山大。

It would stress me out to find outfits to wear to the country club.

但我喜欢假装自己很上流，所以又有点享受这种感觉。

But I like pretending I'm bougie, so I half love it.

我觉得你应该...确实。

I feel like you should yeah.

我能想象你穿着那种会员专属的

I I could see you in, like, a members only

乡村俱乐部里的狠角色。

badass at the country club.

我觉得自己就是那种狂野派。

That's what I'm I feel be like the wild ones.

没错。

Yes.

这就是我，这就是我的风格。

That's what I that's what I would be.

你肯定会是的。

You're gonna be yeah.

是啊。

Yeah.

对啊。

Yeah.

我能想象你那样。

I see that for you.

咱们聊聊你的感情生活吧。

Let's talk about your love life.

哦，或者说没有感情生活。

Oh, or lack thereof.

这话题真有意思。

That's fun.

你在寻找什么样的关系？

What are you looking for?

比如，你会随便约人见面吗？是不是那种可以接受一夜情的类型？

Like, are you, like do you just, like, go meet people, and are you, like, DTF for a one night stand or not really?

你...

Do you

不喜欢。

like No.

我至今还没有过一夜情。

I've still not had a one night stand.

没有过。

I haven't.

我觉得自己不会喜欢那种事。

I don't think I would like it.

怎么说呢，我是那种比较敏感的类型，需要有情感连接才能有好的性体验。

Like, I have to have I'm like one of those, like, sensitive chicks that needs to have a connection for it to be, like, good sex.

越是了解对方，相处时间越长，感觉就会越好。

Like, the more that I like the more that I know someone, the longer we've been dating, the better it gets.

没错。

Right.

所以我不认为自己会享受那种情况。

So I don't think I would enjoy myself.

我可不会对刚认识两小时的人展示自己松弛的胸部。

I'm not showing my saggy tits to somebody that I've met for two hours.

去他的。

Fuck that.

绝对不行。

Absolutely not.

我觉得那太奇怪了。

I think that's so weird.

是的。

Yes.

我胸上有疤痕，你知道的。

I have scars on my boobs, you know.

我不知道你会怎么想，他们会问我那是什么，比如，哦，你隆胸了吗？

I don't know what you're They're gonna ask me what that is, like, oh, so do you have implants?

不，混蛋。

No, motherfucker.

你觉得约会多少次才合适，然后，你知道的？

How do you like, what do you think that the number of dates is that is appropriate to then, you know?

我认为没有固定规则。

I don't think there's a rule.

你觉得没有规则可言？

You don't think there's a rule?

我觉得

I think

这取决于个人。

it depends on the person.

比如，如果我遇到了白马王子，我们一拍即合，有种很棒的默契。

Like, if I fucking met, like, Prince Charming and we hit it off and it was, like, this, like, cool connection.

是啊。

Yeah.

那就随便怎样都行？

Then, like, whatever?

没错。

Yeah.

比如，我和帕特里克还有科琳娜的初夜，不，我之前听过他的节目，所以对他有所了解。

Like, the first night Patrick and I Corinne, no, I had listened to his show, so I had an idea of who he was.

就是你有一段

It's you just had a

很棒的小过往。

great little back history.

是啊。

Yeah.

我总是和人们有些过往。

I've always had back history with people.

而且我最近又被Raya封号了，这是第二次了，我肯定再也回不去了。

And I got kicked off Raya recently, so, like, for the second time, and I'm not gonna be able to get back on for sure.

所以，为什么

So, like, Why that

他们为什么封你号？

did they kick you off?

因为我公开谈论这些事，而他们希望保持私密，但他们的措辞方式实在太粗鲁了。

Because I talk about it, and they like to be private, but they're so rude about the way that they word it.

哦，这也太...但是，

Oh, that's so But, like,

我们只想要能信任的人进入这个环境。

we only want people in this environment that we can trust.

说真的，滚开吧。

Seriously, fuck off.

我听说可以通过朋友推荐加入Raya。

I heard that you can join Raya for Friends.

噢，是的。

Oh, yes.

确实可以。

You can.

所以我就在想，要不要重新申请呢？

So I wish so, like, do I do I Like reapply?

不。

No.

我是说，我想谈谈这件事。

I mean, like, I wanna talk about it.

就像，但我我不想，好吧。

Like, but I I don't wanna okay.

我对克里斯·莉莉着迷了。

I'm obsessed with Chris Lilly.

你也知道。

You know too.

天啊。

Oh my god.

他在那里是为了交友。

He's on there for friends.

我是从瑞秋那里听说的。

I heard this from Rachel.

她告诉我的。

She told me.

我上了她的播客，她跟我说的这事。

I did her podcast and she told me about this.

我们匹配成了朋友。

We matched for friends.

天啊。

Oh my god.

那简直是我人生中最美好的一天。

And it was like the best fucking day of my life.

而且他已经在推特上关注我了，因为我经常给他发推。

And he already follows me on Twitter because I tweeted him a lot.

你们出去约会了？就是那种朋友约会

You went out you like had a friend date

和克里斯？

with Chris?

不是。

No.

他...我也被踢出得太快了。

He I got kicked off too fast.

好吧。

Okay.

当你说‘我度过了最棒的一天’时，真的让我超级兴奋。

When you said I had the best day, you got me, like, so fucking excited.

不。

No.

最棒的是发现我们匹配上了他的朋友列表。

It was the best day to see that we matched his friends.

哦，我要加入。

Oh, I'm joining.

我今晚就加入。

I'm joining tonight.

你觉得他们会允许我吗？他们不会让你加入的。

Do you think they'll let me They will not let you.

你谈论事情的方式，我不认同。

The way that you talk about shit, I don't.

也许他们会让你加入，但你很快就会被踢出去。

Maybe they'll let you, but you'll be kicked off real fast.

好吧。

Okay.

所以我必须全力以赴。

So I have to hit it hard.

我得，比如说，把

I've gotta, like, get Write

所有你想讨论的人都列出来。

down all the people that you wanna talk about.

我不是

I'm not

其实不太想交新朋友。

really into making new friends.

我有点

I'm kind

倾向于，比如不。

of into, like No.

我是说，那些你想疏远的人。

I mean, like, people that you wanna out.

哦，我会这么做的。

Oh, I'll do that.

因为，那里有很多很多我错过的名人，让我觉得这太他妈奇怪了。

Because, I mean, there are lot of there are lot of there are a of celebs I've I've passed on there that I'm like, this is this is fucking weird.

你会想和名人约会吗？

Would you wanna date a famous person?

不会。

No.

不。

No.

要么名人就是让人受不了。

Either famous people are ugh.

我想成为这段关系里的那个名人。

I wanna be the famous person in the relationship.

碧昂斯只有一个。

There's only one Beyonce.

碧昂斯只有一个，而我需要我的男人来迎合我。

There's only one Beyonce, and I I need my man to cater to me.

你更愿意和像凯莉还是米歇尔那样的人在一起？

Would you rather be with, like, a Kelly or a Michelle?

凯莉个性太强了。

Kelly has too much personality.

我选米歇尔。

I'm going for Michelle.

她很安静。

She's quiet.

她有一头漂亮的头发。

She's got great hair.

完全同意。

Totally.

她有点像安德鲁。

She's kinda like Andrew.

安静，头发漂亮。

Quiet, great hair.

是啊。

Yeah.

你懂吧？

You know?

性格温和，

Even tempered,

她看起来是。

she seems.

身材不错。

Good body.

我...我没想到她还活着。

I I didn't realize she was still alive.

所以

So

我不...她可能已经不在了。

I don't she might not be.

我不完全确定她在做什么。

I'm not entirely sure what she's doing.

不。

No.

她确实在。

She is.

记得吗？

Remember?

蒂娜·诺尔斯把

Tina Knowles locked

她锁在柜子里。

her in the closet.

蒂娜·诺尔斯吓死人了。

Tina Knowles is scary as fuck.

是啊。

Yeah.

天啊。

Oh my god.

那个贱人？

That bitch?

最亲爱的妈咪？

Mommy dearest?

嗯。

Mhmm.

她总是给碧昂斯穿最漂亮的衣服。

She always put Beyonce in the best outfits.

最漂亮的衣服。

In the best outfits.

是的。

Yes.

比如，我不知道谁更可怕，是她还是迪娜·洛翰。

Like, I don't know who's scarier, her or Dina Lohan.

因为迪娜·洛翰很泼辣。

Because Dina Lohan is scrappy.

迪娜·洛翰，是啊。

Dina Lohan yeah.

但她没什么头脑。

But she's, like, not cerebral.

我觉得蒂娜·诺尔斯（Tina Knowles）应该是个很会操纵人心的人。

Like like, Tina Knowles is manipulative, I would think.

好吧。

Okay.

所以她更像是那种类型。

So like She's, like, more there.

那么迪娜·洛翰（Dina Lohan）相当于布兰迪·格兰维尔（Brandi Glanville），而蒂娜·诺尔斯则像是丽莎·范德庞普（Lisa Vanderpump）。

So Dina Lohan is Brandi Glanville, and Tina Knowles is, like, Lisa Vanderpump.

没错。

Exactly.

她们俩都很可怕，只是方式不同。

They're both scary, just in different ways.

我本来想聊聊布兰迪·格兰维尔的事。

I wanted to talk about Brandi Glanville.

是吗？

Did you?

这就是你没在我这边提这事的原因吗？

Is that why you didn't talk about it on mine?

不是。

No.

我不会比在你那边说得更多了。

I'm not gonna say any more than I said on yours.

哦，那你为什么还想谈这个？

Oh, then why'd you wanna talk about it?

因为我想聊聊她和乔安娜·克鲁帕的那场官司。

Because I wanted to talk about the lawsuit with her and Joanna Krupa.

是啊。

Yeah.

因为这案子还在进行中，而且这简直是女性最丢脸的事了。

Because that's still going on, and this is, like, the most embarrassing thing for females.

对女人来说。

For a woman.

我认为这是你能对别人说的最刻薄的话。

I think it's the meanest thing you can say about anyone.

所以布兰迪·格兰维尔在《看看发生了什么》节目上爆料说，乔安娜·克鲁帕曾与默罕默德发生关系，当时他还和约兰达·福斯特在一起。

So Brandi Glanville said on Watch What Happens Live, plug, that Joanna Krupa had sex with Mohammed while he was with his with Yolanda Foster.

我记不清是第几任妻子了。

I can't remember which wife it was.

他确实有过好几任。

She's he's had a few.

我上周其实也见到他了。

I saw him last week, actually, too.

他在马里布自拍。

He was taking selfies in Malibu.

顺便提一句。

Just side note.

我感觉我经常见到穆罕默德。

I feel like I've seen I I see Mohammed a lot.

我为他服务过无数次。

I've served him a million times.

哦，是啊。

Oh, yeah.

他具体点什么？

Exact what does he order?

他当时是他的我

He was his I

我是说，那都是过去的事了。

mean, this was back in the day.

他喝酒吗？

He drink?

我甚至都不记得了。

I don't even remember.

我想是的。

I think so.

是的。

Yeah.

哦，很好。

Oh, good.

对他来说是好事。

Good for him.

没错。

Yeah.

那她长什么样？

So what's her face?

该死的布兰迪说乔安娜·克鲁帕有阴道异味，然后乔安娜·克鲁帕起诉她并索赔200万美元，现在法院还下令调取妇科检查记录作为证据。

Fucking Brandy said that Joanna Krupa had a smelly vagina, and then Joanna Krupa sued her and is suing her for $2,000,000, and now there's court ordered gynecology records that have to come into play.

这两个女的到底有什么毛病？

Like, what is wrong with both of these girls?

确实。

Yes.

首先，不。

Well and first of all, no.

我绝不会说我是乔安娜·克鲁帕的粉丝。

I'm not gonna say I'm I have never been, like, a Joanna Krupa fan by any means.

但如果布兰迪那样攻击我，而我又有办法反击，比如起诉她索赔200万美元，我会毫不犹豫地交出我的妇科

But if Brandi came at me like that and there was something I could do about it, like suing her for $2,000,000, I would fucking give my gynecological

我知道。

I know.

这个词很难念。

It's a hard word.

字母太多了。

There's just too many letters in it.

妇科 妇科的 妇科记录。

Gyne gynecological gynecological records.

记录。

Records.

妇科什么的。

Gynecological whatever.

那些记录。

Those records.

为了拿到200万美元我会这么做，但就像我刚才告诉你的那样。

I would do it to get $2,000,000, but now, like I just told you earlier Yeah.

现在乔安娜有权查看。

That Joanna now has access.

她现在可以曝光布兰迪·格兰维尔的所有财务状况。

She can now expose all of Brandi Glanville's finances.

这是为了羞辱她吗？

Is that that's just as means to embarrass her?

我想是的，不然还有什么意义？

I would think so, because otherwise, what's the point?

所以，是的。

So it yeah.

老实说我不明白这有什么关联，但我懂你的意思。

I don't get how that's relevant, honestly, but, like, I get it.

要是有人议论我的私处，我会羞愧得无地自容。

If someone said something about my vagina, I would be so mortified.

这简直...连刻薄都算不上，因为真正的刻薄需要带点机灵劲儿。

Like, that is so it's just, it's not even mean, because to be mean, it has to be smart.

是啊。

Yeah.

就是蠢得要命。

It's just so stupid.

说真的，乔安娜只是在拖延时间，让更多人关注这事。

I just honestly, Joanna is only, like, prolonging this and bringing more attention to it.

要是她当初不回应，我根本不会听说这件事。

Like, if she never would said anything back, I never would have heard about it.

确实不会。

No.