抚养你的父母

爸爸帮，欢迎回来参加又一个周日的聚会。

Daddy gang, welcome back to another Sunday session.

我觉得我们已经有一阵子没坐在一起聊天了。

I feel like it's kind of been a while since we've been here and just chatted together.

所以今天我特别兴奋能有这个空间，因为最近我和朋友们一直在讨论一件事，我想打开来说说，和你们分享，因为我相信这同样适用于你们每个人的生活中。

And so I'm really excited to have this space today because there is something that my friends and I've been talking about a lot lately that I wanted to just kind of like open up and share with you guys because I'm assuming it is applicable to all of your lives as well.

上周我请了几位女朋友来家里小聚喝点红酒，其中一位密友刚和家人度完一周的假期回来。

So I had a few girlfriends over last week for a little wine night and one of my close friends had just gotten back from a week long vacation with her family.

我们都很期待听她讲旅行的故事，让她跟我们详细说说。

So we were excited to hear her stories and have her just tell us all about it.

但她回来时并没有放松、美丽、精力充沛地想和我们分享细节，反而精疲力尽到极点。

But instead of you know coming back relaxed, beautiful, well rested, excited to share the details, she was so absolutely exhausted.

当她开始跟我们讲述发生了什么、为什么这次旅行让她情绪耗竭时，我们所有人都开始拼命点头，纷纷表示：‘没错，太懂了。’

And as she started telling us about what happened and why she was emotionally drained from the trip, all of us just began like aggressively nodding along to our story being like, absolutely.

是的，我们明白。

Yep, we understand.

我们都经历过。

We have been there.

我们懂。

We understand.

我们都遇到过这种情况。

We've all gone through this.

所以，我朋友这次度假，第一次不得不扮演起照顾父母的角色。

So basically, my friend on this vacation had gone through her first experience of having to be the parent to her own parents.

听好了，小时候和父母一起旅行时，你的大脑 probably 可以直接进入自动模式，对吧？

And listen, back when you were a kid traveling with your parents, obviously, brain could probably just go on to autopilot, right?

比如，你爸爸管登机牌，你妈妈负责准备所有零食。

Like maybe your dad had the boarding passes, your mom had all the snacks planned.

你只需要拿着你的《哈利·波特》书，对抗整个世界，完全不用操心任何事。

It was just you and your Harry Potter book against the world and you didn't have to worry about a goddamn thing.

你甚至可以蒙着眼睛穿过机场，也照样能顺利到达目的地。

You could literally go through the airport blindfolded and like you wouldn't you would get there.

你会到达目的地的。

You would get there.

你甚至不知道自己是怎么到的，但你确实到了，因为你的父母带你来的。

You don't even know how you got there but you got there because your parents led you there.

但现在，也许你到了机场，你爸爸却搞不懂自助行李托运机怎么用，对吧？

But now, maybe you get to the airport and your dad can't understand how the self-service baggage tagging ticket situation works, right?

于是你只好接手，没关系，爸爸，这个我来处理。

So then you end up taking over, it's alright dad I got this one.

然后你妈妈也不会在手机上下载航空公司的应用，你就说：别急别急，我来，别担心，妈妈，我们搞定。

And then your mom can't figure out how to download the airplane app on her phone so you're like, no, no, no, I got it, don't worry mom, we got it.

然后你可能就落地了，对吧？

And then maybe you land, right?

你到了一个新城市，找Uber上车点对他们来说几乎不可能，于是你只好说：别担心，爸妈，我带你们去目的地，我来搞定。

You're in a new city and the process of finding the Uber pickup location is basically impossible for them so then you're like, don't worry guys, I will lead you to the promised land, I got this.

从那以后，酒店安排、租车、晚餐预订、行程规划，所有事情都自然而然地落在你身上，因为你比父母更迅速、更能干。

And then from there figuring out the hotel logistics or the car rental or the dinner reservations or the trip itinerary, like it basically just starts to fall all on you because you're just quicker and more capable than your parents.

所以现在你在这次度假中四处张望，心里开始想：我父母当年是怎么独自完成这一切的？

So now you're on this vacation looking around of like what is going on and maybe you're starting to think to yourself, how the fuck did my parents ever do all of this on their own?

不仅如此，他们当时还要带着年幼的孩子，是怎么做到的？

Like, not only that, how did they do this all when they also had young children to navigate?

我到底是怎么活下来的？

Like, how am I alive?

我为什么到现在还能呼吸？

How am I breathing to this day?

我不想说得太夸张，但像机场和旅行中的科技，我明白它们确实变化很大，对任何人来说都可能非常混乱和令人不知所措。

And I don't wanna sound dramatic, but like, I get like technology at the airport and on trips, I understand it has changed a lot and it can be super confusing and overwhelming for anyone.

但我们朋友之间达成的共识是，问题其实并不在于这个。

But my friends and I came to the conclusion that it's not really about that.

因为在某个时候，机场也存在过另一种形式的技术，他们也得去适应。

Because like at some point, there was a different form of technology at the airport that they also had to figure out.

对吧？

Right?

关键是，现在在某些情况下，我们的父母完全依赖我们，而不是反过来。

Like, it's about the fact that now in certain settings, our parents, they just fully rely on us, and it's not the other way around anymore.

你看，当我们还是孩子的时候，父母在我们生活中扮演着无所不能的角色，对吧？

Look, when we're kids, our parents exist in this larger than life role in our lives, right?

他们好像什么都能解决。

They're the people who just like know how to fix everything.

他们知道我们该去哪里、什么时候该到，当我们沮丧时能安抚我们，让我们的重大成就和重要时刻显得格外特别，他们几乎是支撑我们整个生活结构的人，对吧？

They know where we're supposed to be and when we're supposed to be there and they calm us down when we're upset and they make our big wins and our big moments feel really special and they're just like essentially the ones holding up the entire structure of our lives, right?

他们维系着一切，正因为这种动态如此自然、几乎不言而喻，我猜在成长过程中，我们从未停下来想过，我们的父母其实并不是固定不变、坚不可摧的形象。

They keep everything together and because of that, and because that dynamic is so like, just natural and almost unspoken, I guess, growing up, I don't think we ever stopped to consider the fact that our parents are not actually these static ever solid figures.

这真是个疯狂的概念。

Like, it's a crazy concept.

我知道，伙计们，但我们的父母也是普通人。

I know guys, but like our parents are human beings.

他们也在变化、成长、衰老，学习新事物，或应对其他困难。

They are changing, evolving, aging, learning new things, or struggling through other things.

对吧？

Right?

而与此同时，我们却只关注着自己的成长。

Like all while we are focusing on our own growth.

我觉得，当我这么说的时候，至少对我来说，想到父母是如此复杂、一直在生活中不断前进的人，这会让人有点不舒服，因为在我心里，我总是想：不，不是这样的。

And I think like this concept, when I say that, it can be slightly uncomfortable at least for me to think about my parents as being these like deeply complex people and like constantly moving forward in their own lives because in my head, like I'm like, no no no.

他们就是妈妈和爸爸。

They're just mom and dad.

他们一直就是妈妈和爸爸。

Like, they've just been mom and dad.

但其实并不是这样。

And it's like, no.

他们曾经也是婴儿。

Like, they are they were they were babies at one point.

他们也曾是孩子。

They were children at one point.

他们也曾经被自己的父母伤害过。

They got fucked up from their parents at some point too.

他们上过高中或大学，多次陷入爱河。

They went to whether it was high school or college and fell in love multiple times.

他们过着和我们相似或不同的生活，但经历过我们所经历的所有情感和事情。

Like, they've lived the same similar lives or different lives than us but they've done all the feelings and things that we've done.

我觉得，要接受‘天啊，我的父母不仅仅是我的父母’这个想法很难。

And I think it's hard to engage with the thoughts of like, oh my god, my parents inevitably are not just my parents.

他们也是独立的个体，不会永远陪伴在我们身边。

They're also individuals who aren't gonna be here forever.

总有一天，他们可能不再在了。

They may not be here one day.

当我的朋友谈论她与父母的经历时，我完全能感同身受，因为我自己也曾经历过非常相似的困境。

And so as my friend was talking, I actually could just totally to relate to like what she was going through with her parents because I had actually really struggled through a very similar situation with my own.

这件事发生在几年前，我想我以前在播客里稍微提到过。

This happened a couple years back and I think I kind of podcasted about this a little bit at one point.

但圣诞节期间，我非常期待能和家人共度时光，从繁忙的生活中喘口气，而且我也早已习惯假期的一切都由父母打点，随着成年后生活越来越忙碌，我对此愈发感激，对吧？

But over Christmas, I was like really looking forward to the time off with my family and getting a break from life and I was also just very used to the holidays just being handled by my parents which was something I appreciated more and more as my adult life got busier, right?

无论我是从大学回家，还是从城市回来，一到家，树就装饰好了，房间里还摆着我小时候的所有东西。

I would whether it was I come home from college or whether I came back from the city, like I would just go home and they'd have the tree decorated, they'd have all of my childhood things in the room.

我当时想，天哪，他们居然把所有东西都留着。

I'm like, oh my god, they kept everything.

饭菜准备好了，礼物也包好了，一切都已经就绪。

The meals are prepared, they have the gifts wrapped, like it was all just ready.

所以我和兄弟姐妹们只需要到场，好好享受假期就行了。

And so my siblings and I could just pop in and enjoy the holidays.

这简直成了理所当然的前提。

And it was like a prerequisite.

你会觉得，当然了，我父母会把一切都安排妥当。

Like, you're like, of course, my parents will have all this ready.

但那一年，我们决定不回宾夕法尼亚老家过圣诞节。

But that year, we decided we weren't going to go home to Pennsylvania for Christmas.

不知怎么的，所有的节日安排最后都落到了我头上。

And somehow that turned into all of the holiday planning, like kind of falling on me.

现在回头想想，是这些事自然而然落在我身上，还是因为我感觉他们不再有心思去操办，所以我才主动承担的呢？

And now also in hindsight again, like, did it fall on me or did I put it on myself because I felt like they weren't like in the same headspace anymore to put it together?

我不知道。

I don't know.

是我去找房子、订机票、租汽车、规划餐食、采购食材、制定日程。

But I was the one finding us a house, finding our flights, booking our cars, planning the meals, doing the grocery shopping, making a schedule.

虽然我当然有能力处理这一切，但我真的感到极度疲惫。

And while I was capable of course of handling it, I was also extremely overwhelmed.

在整个节日期间，我从未能像以前那样完全放松下来，好好享受与父母共处的时光，这真的让我深受影响。

And I felt like not once during that holiday was I ever able to fully relax or enjoy the time with my parents the way that I used to and it really ended up getting to me.

我开始回想小时候，也许我曾理所当然地认为父母能把一切都安排得井井有条，是的，我想这就是父母该做的——无论是足球训练、作业、学校午餐，还是日程安排，我始终有一个稳定的底层支撑，不必同时操心所有事情，因为有爱我的人默默替我打理一切。

And I started thinking back to how when I was a kid, I maybe took for granted the way that my parents had just had everything handled and yeah, I guess that's what parents are supposed to do but like whether it was from soccer practice to homework to school lunches to scheduling, I always had this layer of stability beneath me where I didn't have to think about everything all at once because there was someone who loved me that was just taking care of it.

我也想承认，当然，并不是每个人都有这样的经历。

And that is, I would just also want to acknowledge like, of course, that is not the case for everyone.

所以我想先简单做个说明，我只能基于自己和父母的关系以及成长过程中所经历的一切来谈。

So I do want to just super quick like disclaimer here that I can only speak obviously from my relationship with my parents and what I was able to experience growing up.

我非常幸运，拥有这样的成长经历。

I'm so fortunate that I had the experience I did.

如果你在不稳定的家庭环境、虐待或创伤中长大，我今天所探讨的很多内容可能并不适用于你，这一点我完全理解。

If you grew up with an unstable family dynamic or abuse or trauma, a lot of what I'm unpacking today may not relate to you in the same way, which I completely understand.

但我今天想谈的是，当你意识到父母现在比你需要他们更需要你时，这种认知有多么根本性地动摇你的内心——这基本上就是我想表达的意思。

But I do wanna use today to talk about how foundationally destabilizing it can be to realize that your parents now need you more than you need them is basically what I'm trying to say.

天啊，这到底是怎么回事？

Like, what the fuck?

我记得那个圣诞节期间，面对这种情况时，我感觉自己正在经历一场巨大的身份转变：我依然希望父母还是我的父母，但我也清楚，可能我现在比他们更有能力。

For me confronting that over, I remember that Christmas holiday specifically, it felt like I was going through this massive identity shift because I I wanted my parents to still be my parents, and I also knew I was probably the more capable one.

我不知道自己对此有何感受，也不觉得能和他们谈论这件事。

And I didn't know how I felt about it, And I didn't feel like I could talk to them about it.

于是我只好自己动手处理一切，然后就开始有点怨恨了。

So then I just started handling things, and then I was, like, kind of resentful.

但我也意识到，他们一辈子都是这样。

But then I was also, they've done this my whole life.

我应该站出来。

Like, I should step up.

对吧？

Right?

我记得那次旅行中，我变得极度关注一切变化的方式。

And I just remember on that trip, I became really hyper fixated on the way everything was changing.

变化真的让人很不舒服。

Like change was so uncomfortable.

对吧？

Right?

你就是会想，到底发生了什么？

Like you're just like, what is happening?

你的现实突然间仿佛完全颠覆了，这些细微的时刻让我情绪极度波动，所以我一回到家就立刻预约了心理咨询，因为我心想：我得告诉我的治疗师，有些事情正在改变，我需要帮助。

Your reality, all of a sudden, it just feels like it completely shifts and all these little moments were making me extremely emotional, which is why I then like booked a therapy appointment immediately upon returning home because I was like, I need to tell my therapist like something is changing and I need help.

但那是我多年来最具有存在主义意义的一次治疗会谈，因为不管好坏，我的治疗师告诉我，我并没有对这些事情过度灾难化。

But it was one of the most existential therapy sessions I think I've had for like a really long time because for better or for worse, my therapist told me that I was not catastrophizing any of this.

她说，从出生到死亡，我们人类的一生都围绕着依赖、独立和相互依赖展开。

She was like, from birth to death, our lives as humans revolve around dependence, independence, and interdependence.

当我们出生时，我们完全依赖父母来获得情绪调节、安全感和结构支持。

When we're born, we're completely dependent on our parents for regulation, safety, and structure.

他们的职责本质上是帮助我们成长为独立的个体，同时仍保持与家庭的联系，对吧？

Their job is essentially to just help us grow into independence while still maintaining our familial connection, right?

所以，如果我们与父母建立了安全的依恋关系，我们就会自然地内化一种感觉：上方存在着某种稳固的东西。

So if we have a secure attachment to our parents, then we naturally internalize the feeling that something solid exists above us.

这种稳固感会成为你神经系统的一部分。

And that solidity becomes just like a part of your nervous system.

你甚至不会去质疑它。

You don't even question it.

它从很小的时候就一直存在在那里。

It's just been there since a very young age.

对吧？

Right?

因此，当衰老开始缓慢侵蚀这种稳定性时，实际上表明一种根本性的转变正在发生。

And so then when aging begins to slowly chip away at this stability, it's actually an indication that a foundational shift is happening.

这种关系现在已进入更深层次的相互依赖。

The relationship is now interdependent on a much deeper level.

我当时说：‘好的，治疗师，让我记下来，等等，再说一遍好吗？’

I was like, okay, therapist, let me write this down because hold on, say that one more time.

我真的很需要把这一点告诉‘爸爸们’群体。

I'm gonna really need to I'm gonna also need to tell this to the daddy gang.

所以我重新翻出这期节目的笔记，心想：她当时对我说了什么来着？

So I pulled my notes back up for this episode and I was like, what did she say to me again?

但对我来说，这意味着我现在成为了我们家庭结构中最可靠的一层。

But for me, that meant that I was now becoming the top layer of reliability in our family structure.

我当时想：等等，我还不确定自己是否准备好承担这个角色。

And I was like, wait, don't know if I want this yet.

我不确定自己是否准备好面对这一切。

I don't know if I'm ready for this.

这到底是怎么发生的？

Like how did this happen?

所以如果你仔细想想，这种转变在某些方面可能是好事，对吧？

And so if you think about it, that shift might be it may be great in some ways, right?

我觉得在家庭中承担更大的角色确实有其可贵之处。

Like I think there is something great about stepping into a larger role in your family.

这意味着你现在完全有能力处理各种事情。

It means that you are now fully capable of taking care of things.

这说明我的父母成功地尽到了他们的责任，对吧？

It means that my parents successfully did their job, right?

我现在能够提供支持、保护家人，做所有该做的事，但这也意味着更多的责任向我袭来，而这一点似乎没人真正提醒过我。

I am now able to provide and protect and do all the things, but it also means a lot more responsibility was coming my way that I don't think anyone really warns you about.

并没有一个明确的、像传递火炬那样的交接过程。

There's not this like literal pass of the torch.

就像是，好吧，真好。

It's like, alright, sweet.

这种事情并不会真的发生。

Like that doesn't happen.

这只是一个没人说出口、却慢慢转变的事情。

It's just like this unsaid thing that just slowly shifts.

所以当你想到这一点，就会意识到，现在你需要负责确保他们去按时看医生。

And so you think about it and you're like, okay, you now need to be the one to make sure that they're going to their doctor appointments.

也许不是今天，但这件事迟早会来。

And maybe it's not today, but like it's coming.

我们会说，你得负责跟进他们的医疗健康事务。

We're like, you're gonna be the one that has to be on top of their healthcare.

你得负责帮他们完全设置好WiFi、手机、电视、iPad，或者任何他们感到不知所措的设备。

You need to be the one to fully set up the WiFi or their phones or their TVs or their iPads or, like, whatever devices it is that they're overwhelmed by.

对吧？

Right?

你需要打电话给他们，关心一下他们的情况，因为他们的朋友可能都搬去佛罗里达了，以至于他们已经三天没和任何人说过话了，你会想：你们还好吗？

You need to call them to check-in on them because all of their friends, you know, maybe they moved to Florida and so then they haven't had any human interaction in like three days and you're like, you guys good?

比如，有些观众可能只有一个父母。

Like, know some people watching, maybe you only have one parent.

对吧？

Right?

而你总是担心那个人，不停地担心，不停地担心，你可能会独自坐着想：我是什么时候开始这么担心这个人的？

And that person you're like constantly worried about, worried about, worried about, and you probably sit with yourself and you're like, when did I start to be so worried about this person?

因为角色是什么时候转变的？

Because when did the roles shift?

他们以前总是只担心我。

They always were just worried about me.

而我当时无忧无虑，还在某个俱乐部喝酒，醒来时发现自己躺在布鲁克林一个陌生男人的地下室里，心想：嘿。

And I was frolicking along and I was like, you know, drinking at some club and waking up in a random man's fucking basement in Brooklyn being like, hey.

我妈妈那时肯定特别担心，可我当时根本没想过妈妈。

And my mom was probably so worried and I wasn't even thinking about my mom at that point.

对吧？

Right?

我只是希望我高潮了。

I was just hoping I had an orgasm.

你根本不会想到你的父母。

Like, you're not even thinking about your parents.

然后某一天，你突然更担心他们的安全、健康和福祉，你会想：我什么时候才知道我的父母去看医生了？

And then all of a sudden one day, you're more stressed about their safety, their well-being, their health, and you're like, when did I know even that my parents went to the doctor?

我真的不知道我的父母去看医生了。

Like, I didn't know my parents went to the doctor.

我真的讨厌这样。

Like, I hate this.

意识到你的生活中不再有现成的结构了。

To realize that there are like no longer built in structures for your life.

未来只有你主动选择投入的那些结构。

There are only the structures that you choose to invest in moving forward.

你年轻时拥有的那种安稳、舒适的状态，如今再也没法维持下去了。

That so much of that stability when you were younger and that comfort and that like it also just can't exist.

你的父母再也没法以当年的方式保护你了，对不对？

Your parents can't protect you in that way anymore, right?

他们没法每天陪你走到公司，还确保所有人都对你友善。

Like they can't walk you into your job every day and make sure that everyone's being nice to you.

就像你上幼儿园的时候，要是你的孩子欺负了我的孩子，老师还会组织双方家长开课后家长会一起沟通。

Like when you were young and in kindergarten, they're like, let's have a after school conference with the parents and come together because your kid was bullying mine.

那些人生既定的框架早就不复存在了。

They don't do that anymore.

现在一切都得靠你自己了。

It's on you now.

但话说回来，人生的意义本就是如此：父母把你抚养长大，就是为了让你有能力为自己做主、为自己奔忙。

And again, that is the whole point of life that they got you to the point where you can then advocate for yourself.

可这事实在太糟心了，我明明还想让我妈妈帮我预约看病的。

But it fucking sucks because I still want my mom to make my doctor's appointments.

我知道我想独立，不想依赖妈妈或爸爸，但同时我又希望他们能在我身边。

I know that I wanna be independent and I don't wanna want my mommy or my daddy but also I want them.

你知道吗，这简直有点让人脑子混乱。

You know, it's just, it's a little fucking mind fuck.

根据我的治疗师说，这在三十多岁到四十多岁的人群中非常普遍。

And I remember, according to my therapist, this is very common for people in their early 30s to mid 40s to be facing.

当我们逐渐达到完全独立的状态时，我们的父母却开始退出他们自己的完全独立状态。

As we just like reach a state of full independence, our parents begin to exit their state of full independence.

这就像两部朝着完全相反方向移动的自动扶梯。

It's it's basically like two escalators moving in complete opposite directions.

你跟爸妈说：再见了，妈妈爸爸。

You're like, bye mom and dad.

他们跟你说：再见，宝贝。

And they're like, bye sweetie.

然后你意识到：好吧，我们本质上是在交换位置。

And you're like, okay, we're basically swapping positions.

随着年龄增长开始影响父母的身体健康、精力和认知能力，他们踏上了向下移动的自动扶梯。

And so as aging begins to impact our parents physical health and their energy and their cognition, they step onto the escalator moving downward.

天哪。

Oh my god.

这让我几乎感到悲伤，想哭。

That like is made me almost sad and wanna cry.

而这是因为，这实在太令人心酸了，因为这就是生命的全部，而他们正在变老。

And then because like, it's so fucking sad that like, that's the whole thing of life and now they're getting older.

我认为，这常常发生在你人生中最忙碌、最具创造力的阶段，对吧？

And I think this often happens right when you are in one of the busiest, most generative phases of your own life, right?

你正在建立事业、处理人际关系，也许还在养育孩子，这无疑让情感上的冲突变得更加难以承受——当你正处于高峰时，父母却在发生巨大变化，你不禁会想：等等，等等，等等，停下。

You're building a career, you're managing relationships, maybe you're raising kids, which obviously makes I think the emotional collision just so much harder when you're like on this high and then your parents are shifting so much and you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, stop.

你在做什么？

What are you doing?

为什么？

Why?

等等，不是的。

Wait, no.

我喜欢这个。

I like this.

我觉得有时候这种变化会非常显著，对吧？

And I think sometimes this change can be incredibly pronounced, right?

比如可能突然发生一场事故或生活巨变，改变了你的家庭状况。

Like maybe a sudden accident or a life shift happens and it alters your family circumstances.

但我认为更常见的是，根本没有任何明确的时刻，让这种动态像我跟朋友们说的那样正式改变。

But I think more often like, there really is no clear moment when the dynamic formally changes from what I was talking about with my friends.

我们当中没有人经历过那种‘大事发生，然后事情就变了’的转折。

Like none of us had that big like this happened so then this happened.

它就是渐渐地，这种变化是什么时候发生的？

It was just kind of like, when did this happen?

我真的说不上来具体是什么时候。

Like I can't really pinpoint it.

你只是慢慢意识到，自己在家庭中的位置已经和过去不同了，而你的神经系统正试图理清这到底发生了什么。

Like you're just slowly realizing that you're existing in a different place in your family than you used to be and your nervous system is trying to reconcile what the actual F is happening.

所以当我正在经历这一切时，虽然有点不好意思承认，但我觉得我的神经系统把这些变化解读为强烈的挫败感。

So for me, when I was navigating this and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it, but I think my nervous system processed these just changes with like feelings of intense frustration.

当我看着父母渐渐老去时，我发现自己比以往任何时候都更容易对他们感到烦躁和恼火。

I found myself more frustrated and annoyed than ever with my parents as I saw them aging.

我知道这源于内心那个渴望重新做回小孩的部分，渴望一切能回到从前的样子。

And I know this was coming from my inner child just wanting to be that little kid again and wanting things to go back to the way that they used to be.

但我没有去正视那份悲伤，任其自然流动，反而变得毫无理由地烦躁。

But instead of sitting with that sadness ultimately and allowing it to just cycle through, I just got irrationally irritated.

我知道这听起来可能很糟糕，因为这并不是他们的错，但当我工作特别累、同时应付工作、感情、友谊和生活中的各种压力时，如果我爸打电话来让我帮忙处理一些他以前自己就能搞定的小事，我就会特别生气，感觉这一切都不对劲。

And I know that probably sounds terrible because it's like not their fault but I think it was like when I was having a super hard day at work and I'm like juggling my job and my relationship and my friendships and all the stress of my life, it would piss me off if my dad was calling me like asking me for help on something that like he used to be able to like maybe figure out on his own and it just felt unnatural.

而如今回头看看，我才意识到，天啊，这其实真的很美好——我爸帮助我走到了今天每一个地方。

And meanwhile, now I look back and I'm like, oh my God, like, no, that's actually so beautiful that my dad has helped me get to every place I have gotten in life.

而且他从未向我提过任何要求。

And the fact that he's never had asked me for anything.

比如我爸爸，我小时候，他从没问过我：‘你能帮我吗？’

Like my dad, when I'm growing up, like he never asked me like, can you help me?

所以现在他能向我求助，因为我已经是个有能力的成年人了，这本该是一件值得欣慰的事，但对我来说却太可怕了。

Like, And so the fact that he is now able to ask me for help because I am a capable human being, that should be something that I can look at as a positive but it was just too scary to me.

所以我当时觉得：真烦人。

So I was like, this is annoying.

但其实这并不烦人。

And it's like, it's not annoying.

这其实是我在成长为独立个体过程中一个美好的进展——现在我能够支持我的父亲了。

It's like a beautiful progression of me being an independent individual that now can actually support my father.

以前我做不到，而现在我能，这多么好啊。

And I used to not be able to do that and how great that I can now.

但当时我却想：爸，你不能自己去谷歌一下吗？

But at the time I was like, dad, can't you just Google it?

但其实应该说：去陪陪他吧。

And it's like, no, be there for him.

而且我觉得这只是因为，我当时觉得自己已经够忙了，我只想做他们的孩子。

And I think it's also just because like, I felt like there was already so much on my plate and I just wanted to be their kid.

那就是我当时心里的想法。

That's where I was still in my head.

我就只想再做回你们的孩子，那才是我想要的。

Like I just wanna be your kid again and that's what I want.

但现实根本不是这样，对吧？

But that's just not the case, right?

我记得两年前，我那时脾气很暴躁，会把压力发泄在爸爸或妈妈身上，因为生活中各种事让我很焦虑。

And so I remember this was like two years ago, would be like snippy and I would take it out on my dad or my mom because all the things in my life stressed me out.

而我真正没意识到的是，他打电话找我帮忙，并不是什么大事。

And what I really wasn't getting underneath is like, it's not that he's calling me and asking me for help.

真正让我恐慌的是，他居然会打电话找我帮忙，因为这以前从未发生过。

It was freaking me out that he was calling me and asking me for help because that had never happened before.

而且顺便说一句，紧接着我就开始感到内疚，这种内疚感渐渐压得我喘不过气来。

And I also, by the way, would then like immediately like this guilt then started to like really get underneath me.

那次我和我的治疗师进行了一次非常重要的谈话，我当时就说：我不喜欢这样。

And that was like a huge therapy session I had with my therapist where I was like, I don't like this.

我感到很内疚。

I'm feeling guilty.

我为什么这样跟父母说话？

Why am I speaking to my parents this way?

他们为了我放弃了整个生活，花了三十一年养育我。

Like they gave up their whole lives for me, dedicated thirty one years of raising me.

我连五分钟都抽不出来解释一件事，我到底哪里出了问题？

And I can't take five minutes to explain something like, what the fuck is wrong with me?

这种情绪在内疚、沮丧和悲伤之间反复拉扯，最终让我陷入了彻底的回避。

And it's this whiplash from guilt to frustration to sadness and where it led for me was just then I remember going into like pure avoidance.

我不想面对它。

I didn't want to deal with it.

我不想思考它。

I didn't want to think about it.

我只是希望我的父母保持不变，希望他们一直如初。

I just wanted my parents to stay constant and I wanted them to stay the same.

但再次强调，这并不现实。

And again, that is not reality.

所以我去接受了治疗，我的治疗师说，我们来好好聊聊这件事。

And that is why I went to therapy and my therapist is like, let's talk this through.

我记得治疗师说，所有这些情绪的剧烈波动和挫败感，都源于一种她称之为‘预期性哀伤’的东西，我当时就想，我不喜欢这个说法。

I remember my therapist was like, all of this whiplash and frustration stems from something that she I remember she called it anticipatory grief, which I was like, I don't like that.

我不喜欢这个说法。

I don't like that.

那到底是什么？

Well, what's that?

我一点都不喜欢这个说法。

I don't like that at all.

这基本上就是在亲人还活着的时候就为失去他们而哀伤，仅仅是因为担心失去他们所带来的巨大内心压力和焦虑，已经占据了你大量的心理负担。

It's basically grieving someone before they're even gone simply because there is so much internal stress and anxiety around losing them that is just taking up your mental load.

我当时就想，好了，这session就到此为止吧。

Which I was like, okay, that's enough for this session.

我当时想，时间到了。

I was like, and time.

她却说，我们才刚开始十五分钟。

And she's like, we're only fifteen minutes in.

我当时想，好吧，我完蛋了。

I was like, okay, I'm fucked.

我觉得，那种焦虑，才是真正一直在我心里浮现的东西。

Like, I think that anxiety, that's really what was coming up for me constantly.

我不能代表任何正在经历这种情况的你们说话。

And I can't speak for any of you going through this.

但当我回想起两年前我经历的那个重大转折点时，我们通常围坐在一起吃晚饭，我却突然涌起一种深深的、发自内心的悲伤，意识到我父母的这种状态是有限的，总有一天他们不会再坐在这里陪我吃晚饭。

But when I reflect like on this big kind of inflection point I went through two years ago, we would be sitting around at a normal dinner and I would suddenly get this deep guttural sadness realizing that this version of my parents was finite and one day they wouldn't be here at dinner with me.

正是这些微小的时刻，你的大脑会抓住它们，然后不断蔓延，想到他们离开后会发生什么？

And it's these small moments that your brain can take and then just spiral into like what's gonna happen when they're gone?

这会不会是我们最后一次一起过这样的假期了？我们还能有多少时间？

Like, is this the last time that we're ever gonna have these type of holidays together or how much longer do we have?

我希望，当我有一天有了孩子，我的妈妈和爸爸还能陪在我孩子们的身边。

Like, will I ever, you know, like I hope my mom and my father around for like all of my kids when I have kids one day.

对吧？

Right?

我经常会感到无比压抑，脑海里开始不断设想那些还没发生、而且可能很久以后都不会发生的情景。

Like I would just get so overwhelmed and my mind would then start racing ahead to these scenarios that hadn't happened and probably wouldn't happen for a really long time.

但这种焦虑，其实只是我的大脑试图控制它根本无法控制的事情。

But this anxiety is just like my brain's attempt to control what it can't actually control.

没有什么比父母不可避免地衰老更超出我们掌控的了。

And there is nothing more out of our control than our parents inevitable aging.

幸运的是，我的治疗师并没有让我就这样结束治疗 session。

And so luckily, my therapist didn't just let me end the therapy session there.

我记得我当时说，再见。

I remember I was like, bye.

她让我坐下。

She's like, sit down.

我心里想，好吧，这钱花得值。

I'm like, okay, this is why I pay the bed bucks.

我的治疗师说，有一种方法可以重新掌控这种恶性循环。

My therapist shared that there was a way to gain some agency over this spiral.

我想你们都知道我要说什么了，也许不知道。

And I think you all know what I'm gonna say, maybe not.

这简直像是治疗师对所有问题的万能答案。

It's kind of like a therapist answer to every single problem you ever had.

但真的很难做到。

And it's really fucking hard to do.

但答案始终是：你需要和父母进行一次对话，坦诚地承认正在发生的事，并讨论如何向前走。

But the answer always is you need to have a conversation with your parents where you all acknowledge what is happening and talk about moving forward.

各位爸爸们，虽然坐下来和父母谈他们正在变老这件事真的很让人难受，也很尴尬，甚至让人不舒服，因为你突然意识到：等等，这不对劲。

And daddy gang, as much as it sucks to sit down with your parents and talk about the ways that they are aging and so awkward and also like uncomfortable because you're like, wait a second.

尽管我确实觉得，在父母面前承认这一点，这角色转换该怎么做呢？

Although I do kind of feel like the parent in this dynamic to acknowledge it to my parents face, how is that gonna work?

因为即使感觉如此，我也不想承认这有多尴尬，但我觉得在生活逼迫你之前，这件事非做不可。

Because like even though it feels this way, I don't want to acknowledge it's so awkward, but it is so important to do it before I think life forces you.

相信我，进行这样的对话真的会有帮助，因为你感受到的很多情绪，一旦敞开来说，就能更好地掌控局面。

And trust me, it actually does help to have these conversations because so much of what you're feeling, you're then able to kind of like get a handle on the situation when you open it up to all of you.

所以你可以直接说：‘各位，事情是这样的。’

So you can be like, this is what's going on guys.

也不需要搞成一场盛大的谈话，比如：‘我们得谈谈你们正在变老的事。’

It doesn't also, it doesn't need to be some dramatic sit down of like, we need to talk about how you're getting old.

就只是坐下来，爸。

Like, sit down, dad.

然后你爸会说：‘啥？’

And you're like, what the fuck?

然后你就说：‘好吧。'

Like, okay.

谢谢。

Thanks.

不，不是这样的。

Like, no.

这不应该是这么激烈的事情，因为如果你一上来就抱怨父母不再年轻、不再有能力、跟不上时代，他们只会感到糟糕或产生防御心理，问：‘你到底在说什么？’

It shouldn't be so so intense because if you come in hot about how your parents aren't as young and as capable and as with it, like, they're just gonna feel like shit or get defensive and be like, what are you talking about?

他们是已经把你养大的成年人，一辈子都一直有能力照顾你。

These are grown adults who raised you and have been nothing but capable of taking care of you their entire lives.

你们所有人面对这种转变都会感到不舒服，但这是必要的。

It is going to be uncomfortable for you all to address the shift, but it's needed.

因此，我的做法是直接从我自己的角度开始对话，比如：‘我最近一直在思考我的未来，还有你们的未来，我只是想聊聊你们在其中扮演的角色。’

And so instead my approach was to just start the conversation from my own viewpoint of like, hey, I have been thinking a lot about my future, your guys future and I just want to like talk about how you guys factor into it.

你们有考虑过退休吗？长远来看，那会是什么样子？

Have you guys thought about retirement and what's that going to look like long term?

你们有没有考虑过遗嘱之类的事情？未来几年有什么计划？在这个人生新阶段，你们需要什么帮助？

Like, do you guys have whether it's a will or what do you have planned for the next X amount of years and what do you need help with in this next phase of life?

我认为关键是始终聚焦于如何最好地支持他们，帮助他们展望自己的未来，并强调你在这里是为了让这段时光对他们来说更轻松、更舒适。

I think it's just helpful to really keep in like, keep it focused on how you can be there to best support them as they look ahead at their own futures and just emphasize that you're here to make this time feel easier and more comfortable for them.

当然，他们对事物开始变化的事实还处于否认状态，这时你可以温和地提及一些具体的例子，比如：‘爸爸，我注意到你上周忘记了一个预约’，或者‘我好一阵子没看到草坪被修剪了，要不要找个人来帮忙处理一下？’

And obviously, they're in denial about the fact that things are starting to change, that's when you can start to mention some just like tangible examples of like, well, know, like I did notice like you forgot that appointment last week, dad, or like, you know, I see the lawn hasn't been woed in a while, like, could we find someone to help come and handle that?

基本上就是一些温和的提醒，指出那些不会让人感到压力的变化。

Like basically gentle reminders of changes that don't feel too daunting.

我觉得，这正是开启对话的好方式。

Like that's a good place to start, I would say the conversation.

如果你有兄弟姐妹，也可以联系他们，或者找伴侣、朋友来共同支持和强化这个信息。

It also may help if you have siblings to call them or your partner or friends search for just reinforcement.

我记得有一次坐下来和父母说：‘爸妈，我们都感觉到家庭中主心骨的角色在转变，一切都在变化，兄弟姐妹们现在要担起责任了，而父母不再像以前那样了，咱们干脆直接聊聊吧。’

Like when you get to I just remember sitting down with my parents being like, guys, we all feel this shift in like the matriarch and the patriarch of the family and it's all changing and the siblings are now becoming the ones and the parents are not as like, let's just fucking talk about it.

这需要多次对话才能达成。

And it took many conversations.

这不是一次谈话就能解决的事情。

Like it wasn't just one and done.

这真是太多了。

It was a lot.

这类对话的关键首先在于你的方式。

Like so much of this conversation is is just like first of all the way you approach it.

同样，不要让气氛太沉重。

Again, not having it be too heavy.

记住，你并不是要接管他们的生活。

Remember you're not stepping in and taking over their lives.

我们得现在给你设立监护权了。

We've got to put you on a conservatorship now.

你可能会说：什么？

You're like, what?

这根本不会发生。

That's really not happening.

他们依然对自己的生活拥有权威和自主权，你只是在向他们表明，你希望支持他们，他们不必隐藏自己的困扰，同时你也希望公开承认，这种关系动态正在发生变化。

They still have authority and autonomy over their lives, but you're just showing them that you want to support them and they don't need to hide their struggles, but you also want to put it out in the open that the dynamic is shifting.

过去在你上大学或高中时，你可能从不谈论他们的财务状况、生活情况或未来计划。

That maybe you would never talk about their finances or their living situation or their future plans in the past when you're in college or high school.

但现在你很可能需要了解这些事情，因为万一其他父母出了什么事，你至少需要在某种程度上支持他们。

But now you probably need to know these things because God forbid something happens to one of the other parents and you whatever it is, you need to be there to support them to some capacity.

再次强调，每个人的情况都不同，但我认为这种情感支持很重要——‘我在这里，你可以和我聊聊’。

Again, everyone's situation is different, but I think that emotional support of like, I'm here, you can talk to me is important.

因为说实话，我们的父母当然希望保护我们。

Because honestly, of course, our parents want to protect us.

他们想让我们避开生活中所有糟糕的事情，包括他们自己的问题。

They want to shield us from all the shitty things in life, including their own problems.

他们并没有停止当父母。

They haven't stopped being parents.

对我们中的一些人来说，可能感觉他们不再这样了，但实际上他们并没有。

It may feel that way to some of us, but they haven't.

但现在，打开这扇门、说‘我们不必回避这个问题’的责任在我们身上。

But it's now on us to open the door and say, hey, we don't need to avoid this.

让我们以一种我们都感到舒服的方式继续前进。

Let's move forward in a way that we all feel good about.

所以我想，归根结底，照顾父母其实是深厚互惠的体现，也是你一生中最重要的关系之一。

And so I guess the point of this is like at the end of the day, parenting your parents is actually a sign of really amazing reciprocity and one of the most important relationships that you will have in your lifetime.

起初，这种角色反转确实很难面对，我觉得。

The role reversal is painful to confront in the beginning, I think.

但一旦你承认了这一点，它真的能帮助缓解双方可能一直感受到的挫败感，对吧？

But once you do acknowledge it, it really does make it helpful to mitigate some of the frustration that's probably been felt on both sides, right?

像这样坦诚相待，我个人认为能帮你重新获得那些只想做回孩子的时刻，对我而言，这真的很好。

Like being open about this, I personally think can help you give back some of those moments where you do just want to be a kid again, which on my end has been really nice.

当我终于能和父母谈一谈，说你们正在变老，情况在变化，我觉得自己需要承担更多责任时，

I would say once I was able to have this conversation about my parents are just like, I'm stressing out, you guys are getting older, the dynamic is shifting, I feel like I need to take on more responsibility.

一旦我们跨过这一步，我们就需要把关系已经改变的事实摆到明面上。

Once we got through that, it's almost like we needed to just put it out in the open that the dynamic had changed.

从那以后，讽刺的是，我现在反而能重新像孩子一样和父母相处了，因为我现在非常期待深入我们关系中的情感层面。

And then since then, what's so ironic is I now have kind of felt like I'm able to be a kid again with my parents because I now am so excited to lean into the emotional aspect of our relationship.

我觉得成长的很大一部分是关于琐事、环境和保护。

I feel like so much of growing up is logistics and your environment and protecting.

我怎么会一直去踢足球呢？或者其他什么的？

How did I end up going to soccer all the time or whatever?

就像我在开头提到的那些事情，都是父母默默为我提供的、心照不宣的日常。

And it's just like these things that I talked about at the beginning of this, like that were these unsaid obvious things that my parents just provided.

现在，在他们人生的后半段，我所感受到的恰恰与我的童年截然相反。

Now I think in this later half of their life, what I'm now tapping into is the complete opposite of what my childhood really was.

现在我能够更多地把重心放在与父母的情感互动上。

Now I'm able to way more have, the ability to front load on just the emotional dynamic with my parents.

我去父母家时，只是和他们聊聊我的感受和正在经历的事情。

I go over to my parents' house and I just talk to them about how I'm feeling and what I'm going through.

就这样，仅此而已，对吧？

And that's all that's it, right?

现在我在后勤事务上承担了更多支持的角色，我们都坦诚地承认了这一点，这让我们重新建立了联系——现在我只想让妈妈和爸爸在我情感上支持我，这真的非常美好。

Now that I'm kind of more in the supportive role on logistics and we've all put that out there and acknowledge that, It's been so beautiful to realign and being like, now I just want to have my mom and dad there for that emotional side, which has been really, really beautiful.

我不知道。

I don't know.

这是一个奇怪的转折点。

It's a weird turning point.

我认为，从你未来如何陪伴父母的角度来看，他们需要帮助的方面范围非常广。

And I think in terms of how you're gonna show up for your parents going forward, like the range of things they're going to need help with is so wide.

每个听这段话的人，你的情况都会不同。

Every single person listening to this, your situation is going to be different.

也许是帮他们处理税务，或者想办法解决是否请家政清洁工等财务问题。

Maybe it's handling their taxes for them or finding a way to financially figure out, you know, whether it's a house cleaner for them.

也许是帮他们预约医生，或者完全安排好辅助生活设施，又或者是每月去几次帮他们整理或打扫房子，不管是什么，随着时间推移，这些都会变化。

Maybe it's helping them get doctor's appointments or maybe it's just fully organizing an assisted living situation or you going over a couple times a month and helping organize their house for them or clean it, like whatever it is, like it's going to fluctuate as time goes on.

这些会根据你的经济状况和你与父母的地理距离而变化。

It's going to fluctuate given your financial situation, your proximity to your parents.

有太多复杂的因素了。

Like there's so many dynamics.

我治疗师最后提醒我的是，你仍然需要首先保护好自己的心理健康。

So the last thing that my therapist reminded me of is that you still need to protect your own mental health first.

与他人一同走过生命最后的篇章，精神上是极其耗费心力的。

Navigating the final chapters of someone's life alongside them is extremely mentally taxing.

当这个人是你如此亲近的人时，这种痛苦会更甚。

And it's even more painful when it's someone you're so close to.

当对象是我们的父母时，我们可能会觉得自己自私，或者甚至感到羞愧，因为没有把全部的时间和精力都给他们，因为我们觉得他们曾经为我们这样付出过。

When it's our parents, we can feel selfish or I don't know, shameful to not give them a 100% of every part of our time and energy because we feel like they did that for us growing up.

我们可能会因为无法全天候陪伴在他们身边而感到内疚。

And we might feel guilty that we're not able to be there for them around the clock.

但事实上，只有当你也在保护自己的情感容量时，这段过渡期才会对所有人健康而有益。

But in reality, this transitional time is only gonna be healthy and good for everyone if you're also protecting your emotional bandwidth.

所以，这可能意味着你和兄弟姐妹之间更平均地分担责任。

So maybe that means dividing the labor more equally between you and your siblings.

也可能意味着你需要考虑聘请一位护工。

Maybe that means looking into a caregiver.

也许可以简单一点，比如只在你有空打电话给他们的时候才打，而不是总让他们主动打给你。

Maybe it's small and simple as like only talking on the phone when you're able to call them not the other way around that they call you all the time.

不管怎样，你正在进入一种更像父母的角色去照顾你的父母，但他们并不应该是你生活的唯一重心，这没关系。

Like whatever it is, you're entering the role of being more of a parent to your parents, but they're not the sole focus of your life and that's okay.

你有权利设定界限，确保自己不会在根本没有足够时间的情况下成为全天候的照护者。

You're allowed to put parameters in place to make sure that you don't become a full time caregiver when you genuinely just don't have the time to.

我也想指出，关于如何在父母生命这个阶段陪伴他们的期望，往往也深深植根于文化或家庭背景，对吧？

And I also want to acknowledge that the expectations on how to show up for your parents in this time of their lives, it can be really also rooted in culture or your family's background, right?

你可能并不具备请外部帮手的条件，但这并不意味着你不能找到其他方式来保护自己的心理健康，对吧？

You might not be in a situation where it's okay to be bringing outside help in, but that doesn't mean you can't still find ways to protect your own mental health, right?

无论是在家庭、工作还是朋友关系中，你都需要尝试为生活中的某些部分设立界限。

Whether it's with your your family or with work or with your friends, you need to try to find some section of your life to set boundaries in.

这一点适用于所有方面，不只是对父母，对吧？

And that goes for everything, not just with your parents, right?

因为你不可能一直透支自己，说‘我把一切都给了所有人，结果自己什么都没剩下’。

Because you can't just, you can't be crashing out being like, I'm giving everything to everyone and like, I have nothing left.

不。

No.

在我看来，设定界限其实意味着你在与父母或伴侣共处的时光里，允许自己更加专注和投入，对吧？

In my opinion, setting boundaries really just means you're allowing yourself to be more present during the time that you have with your parents or with your partner whoever, right?

因为总有一天，你不会再接到他们的电话。

Because yes, there will be a day when you don't get their calls anymore.

总会有一次最后的节日，是你精心安排的。

There will be a last holiday where you orchestrated everything.

总会有一次最后的共同乘飞机旅行，我说这些并不是为了制造阴暗的氛围。

There will be a last plane ride together and I don't say that to be dark.

我说这些是因为，当我们允许自己完全接受这一点时，我认为这真的有助于我们更好地享受当下的每一刻。

I say that because when we allow ourselves to just fully accept it, I think it's really helpful when it comes to actually enjoying the current moment.

我不知道明天、下周或明年我和父母之间会发生什么，但我知道，无论发生什么，我们都会彼此沟通。

I don't know what tomorrow or next week or next year with my parents is gonna hold but I do know now that whatever happens we're gonna communicate through it.

与此同时，我依然可以在日常生活中继续扮演好他们的女儿。

And in the meantime, I can continue to show up as their daughter in the day to day.