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别跟我讲那些苦情故事了，直接告诉我你最喜欢的豆豆娃是什么。
Spare me the sob story and just tell me your favorite beanie baby.
欢迎来到《喜剧砰砰》！
Welcome to Comedy Bang!
砰！
Bang!
感谢“肥皂脑子奶奶”提供的这句开场口号。
Thank you to grandma soap for brains for that catchphrase submission.
感谢“肥皂脑子奶奶”。
Thank you to grandma soap for brains.
好像是“敲棍子”吧，不过非常感谢“肥皂脑子奶奶”提供的这句开场口号。
Knockin' a stick, I believe, but thank you so much to grandma's soap for brains for that catchphrase submission.
欢迎来到新一周的《喜剧砰砰》。
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.
我是斯科特·奥克曼。
My name is Scott Aukerman.
我是《喜剧砰砰》的主持人。
I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang.
如果你在背后听过《喜剧砰砰》的节目，我很感激。
And if you've heard an episode of Comedy Bang Bang in your back, I appreciate it.
我挺惊讶的，但还是谢谢。
I'm surprised, but I appreciate it.
不过这一期呢，可能会跟之前几期，甚至之后几期都不太一样。
But this is well, this one's gonna be a little bit different than probably the last few and even the next few.
谁知道呢？
Who knows?
因为你知道，在《喜剧砰砰》里，我们偶尔会请一位所谓的A段嘉宾，通常呢，虽然现在越来越少了，是个名人。
Because, you know, every once in a while on Comedy Bang Bang, we like to have, what we call our A block guest, and that's usually, although it it's becoming more and more of a rarity, a celebrity.
我们特别喜欢他们是大明星的时候。
It's we love it when they're when they're movie stars.
我们也喜欢他们是电视明星。
We like it when they're TV stars.
如果是出书的，我们也接受，但要是同行播客主持人，我们就勉为其难地耸耸肩说好吧。
We accept it when they have a book, and we begrudgingly shrug and say okay when they're fellow podcasters.
不过这周我们有点不一样，因为这次我们要搞一个叫‘CBB圆桌讨论’的环节。
But this week, we're doing something a little bit different because this week, we're doing something that we'd we like to call the CBB roundtable.
没错。
That's right.
我们面前的桌子是圆的，但我们的焦点完全集中在议题上。
The table in front of us is round, but our focus is squarely on the issues.
我们会在《Comedy Bang》节目里讨论当下的热点话题！
We're gonna be talking about the issues of the day here on Comedy Bang!
Bang！
Bang!
听我说。
Look.
说实话，现在打开新闻，看到那些事儿，你心里就会想：等等，这不对劲啊。
To be honest, you turn on the news these days, and it's like, you're looking at things going like, wait a minute.
这比我预想的要深入一点，但等等。
That went a little further than I expected it to, but then wait.
而大家的反应比这还要夸张？
The reaction to it is even further than that?
确实让人摸不着头脑。
It can be confusing.
我们打算好好理一理，搞清楚到底是怎么回事，发生了什么。
We're gonna try to hash this out, try to figure out what's going on with, what's happening.
而且我们请到了一群非常尊贵的嘉宾来参加圆桌讨论。
And we have an esteemed roundtable of guests.
既然我们说桌子是圆的，那他们坐方桌行不行？
When we say the table is round, could they fit at a square table?
当然可以。
Sure.
因为除了我之外，还有三位嘉宾。
Because there's three guests and me.
那也行得通。
That would work.
但相反，我们得费劲地进来换桌子，叫工人来，把那张长方形桌子锯掉，当柴火烧，这过程很耗时，但值得，因为现在我觉得我们彼此之间的距离都相等，没有那些尖锐的角度了。
But instead, the laborious process of coming in here and replacing the table and getting the workmen in here and and, sawing the the the rectangular table down and and using it for kindling and firewood, that's it it takes a long time, but it's worth it because right now, I feel we're all equidistant from each other, and there aren't those harsh angles.
而我们现在面对的就是这些尖锐的角度——正在发生的事情的尖锐角度。
And that's what we're looking at these days is the harsh angles of of what is happening.
我们对这个问题有什么角度？
What's our angle on this issue?
我们对这个问题有什么角度？
What's our angle on this issue?
这确实很尖锐，对吧？
It can be harsh, can't it?
但相反，我们有一群尊贵的嘉宾围坐在我们的圆桌旁。
But instead, we have an esteemed panel of guests to sit around our roundtable.
现在就请他们出场吧。
Let's get to them right now.
一共有三位。
There's three of them.
其中一位是本地倡导者，我想是一位公民。
They are a local advocate, a citizen, I believe.
当然，这也不是说我们不欢迎非公民。
Although, that's not to say that we don't like noncitizens.
我并不是在表明立场。
I'm not taking a stand on that issue.
我们可能会在CBB圆桌讨论上好好聊聊这个问题，但我不是故意用‘公民’这个敏感词的——不过，你也是世界公民，对吧？
We'll we'll hash it out maybe in the CBB roundtable, but I didn't mean to choose that word, that loaded, loaded term a citizen, but you are a citizen of the world, are you not?
不是。
No.
完全同意。
Totally.
我也这么觉得。
I would say so.
对。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
没错。
Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
也许还是美利坚合众国的公民。
And perhaps of The United States Of America.
百分之百。
100%.
我是公民。
I'm a citizen.
你是公民。
You're a citizen.
好的。
Alright.
是归化公民，还是在这里出生的？
Naturalized, born here with
归什么？
Natural what?
咱们在CBB圆桌节目上就别谈什么归化不归化的事了。
Let's not talk about naturals or anything like that on on the CBB round table.
我们得停止只停留在表面思考，要动动脑子，好好用用我们的智慧。
We need to we need to stop thinking right below the surface and just think use our use our brains.
他们是当地的倡导者。
They are a local advocate.
欢迎来到节目，克洛伊·卡尔。
Please welcome to the show Chloe Carr.
怎么了，斯科特？
What's up, Scott?
非常感谢你邀请我。
Thank you so much for having me.
这，这
It's It's
真高兴
so good to
见到你。
see you.
很高兴见到你。
Good to see you.
很高兴认识你。
So nice to meet you.
是的。
Yeah.
那么
So
很高兴见到你。
nice to you.
见到
Meet
你住在洛杉矶地区吗？
Do you live in the Los Angeles area?
是的。
I do.
是的。
I do.
好的。
Okay.
太好了。
Great.
是的。
I do.
今天能来这里真是太激动了。
So excited to be here today.
我从来没做过一整天不吃东西的播客。
I've never done a podcast where I didn't eat the entire day.
你的意思是，你在其他播客上，
Where meaning you on on other podcasts that you're on,
你会一直吃吗？
you eat the entire time?
对。
Yeah.
我觉得我没有。
I feel like I've no.
没有。
No.
我觉得我只是，嗯，有时候在参加个人公开活动时，会更好地照顾自己。
I feel like I've just, like, maybe taking care of myself better sometimes when I go on have personal little public appearances.
哦，我明白了。
Oh, I see.
所以你的意思是你今天还没吃东西。
So you meaning you haven't eaten today.
你是想表达这个意思吗？
Is that what you're trying to say?
对。
Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
我明白了。
I see.
而且你做过很多播客节目。
And you've never you've done a lot of podcasts.
是的。
Yeah.
我特别喜欢性格相关的话题。
I love personality stuff.
我很喜欢聊天。
I love talking.
哦，太好了。
Oh, great.
对。
Yeah.
而且我有时候会想，我能说些什么呢，斯科特？
And I think sometimes I think, like, what can I say, Scott?
我是个咖啡控。
I'm a caffeine girly.
我早上醒来要喝咖啡，下午也要喝咖啡。
I I wake up caffeine caffeine in the afternoon.
我就是特别喜欢咖啡。
I I just love it.
我太喜欢了。
I love it.
那你喜欢咖啡因。
And You love caffeine.
你喜欢含咖啡因的饮料吗？
You love drinks with caffeine in them?
还是说——
Or
我喜欢能量饮料。
love an energy drink.
我喜欢Celsius。
I love Celsius.
我喜欢Celsius？
I love Celsius?
是的。
Yes.
你喝过
The Have you had
吗？
one?
我没喝过。
I haven't.
那是一个饮料品牌吗？
Is that that's a brand of drink?
对。
Yeah.
哦，好的。
Or oh, okay.
明白了。
Got it.
是的。
Yes.
是的。
Yeah.
好的。
Okay.
不过，总之，能来这里真的很兴奋，因为就是感觉……对。
But, anyway, just so excited to be here because it's I just feel yeah.
你今天喝咖啡因了吗？
And you and you have had caffeine today?
或者说
Or the
还是说这是你没喝咖啡因的状态？
Or this is you without caffeine?
不是。
No.
我今天喝了好多咖啡因。
I've had so much caffeine today.
但你什么都没吃。
But you haven't eaten anything.
我会好好听的。
I'm gonna listen better.
对不起。
I'm sorry.
什么？
What?
你什么都没吃。
You you have not eaten anything
对。
No.
现在。
Currently.
你喝了多少含咖啡因的饮料了？
You've just had how many caffeine drinks have you had
到现在为止？
at this point?
我早上先喝了三份四份浓缩咖啡。
I've had so I started my day with three quad shots.
什么是四份浓缩咖啡？
What are what are quad shots?
就是四份浓缩。
Four shots.
三份那样的。
Three of them.
好的。
Okay.
所以是12份浓缩，对吧。
So 12 shots of Yeah.
浓缩咖啡？
Espresso?
对。
Yeah.
不过中间我喝了杯水。
But I had a glass of water in between.
每份四份浓缩之间都喝吗？
In between each?
就是那四份浓缩。
The quad shot.
不是。
No.
是整份四份浓缩之后喝的。
The the the quad shot as a total.
等等。
Wait.
所以你是先喝了一份四份浓缩，然后喝了口水。
So so you had one the first quad shot then a drink of water.
喝了一口水。
Sip of water.
喝了一口？哦，就一小口？
Sip of oh, just a sip?
对。
Yeah.
就是喝了一口。
Drink sip.
就一小口？
Just the sip?
哦，你是说喝了一大口。
Oh, you mean a drink.
不是。
No.
我就抿了一小口。
I had a sip.
你喝了一口。
You had a sip.
好吧。
Okay.
那为什么喝这么少水？
And why so little water?
我拉肚子了。
I have diarrhea.
你是不是
Do you have
因为人脱水的时候，通常就会……什么？
Because when one is dehydrated, that's when one usually What?
就会得腹泻这种病。
Comes down with the affliction note as diarrhea.
你知道当你……当你……当你……是不是
Is that You know when you're when you're when you're is
就是那种滑进一垒时，突然感觉一阵大爆发？
that sliding into first and you feel a great big burst?
滑进一垒？
Sliding into first?
什么
What do
你知道的。
you know.
谁会滑进一垒啊？
Who slides into first?
谁会滑进一垒？
Who slides into first?
那是什么？
What is that?
那又不是橄榄球。
That's not football.
我确实见过一些人在美国职业棒球大联盟里做出一些疯狂的动作。
I have I have seen a few peoples in some, you know, crazy plays in Major League Baseball.
他们会滑进一垒。
They slide into first.
球直接朝他们飞过来。
The ball's coming right at them.
我也不太确定。
I don't know.
对。
Yeah.
他们确实会滑进一垒。
They're sliding into first.
是的。
Yeah.
知道。
Know.
我知道。
I know.
滑进二垒，你闻到一股怪味。
Sliding into second, and you're smelling something fecking.
那滑进三垒呢？
And and sliding into third?
三垒就是一大坨屎，本垒当然是泡沫了。
Third is the great big turd, and then home is the foam, of course.
咦。
Ew.
咦。
Ew.
泡沫，当然。
The foam, of course.
当然。
Of course.
嗯，就像歌里唱的那样。
Well, as the song goes.
我也不知道。
I don't know.
又不是我写的。
I didn't write it.
我是谁啊？
Who am I?
我在想一个作词人。
I'm trying to think of a lyricist.
艾拉·格什温？
Ira Gershwin?
对了。
There you go.
我刚才想说艾拉·格拉斯来着。
I just wanted to say Ira Glass for
这么久。
so long.
艾拉·格拉斯。
Ira Glass.
总之，非常感谢你邀请我来这里。
Anyway, thank you so much for having me here.
这是我的荣幸。
It's my pleasure.
我
I'm
我很高兴你没有拉肚子，虽然我们没听到答案。嘿。
I'm glad you don't have diarrhea, although we did not hear the answer Hey.
听着。
Listen.
无论你做什么。
To whatever you do.
让我把播客说完。
Let me to the end of the pod.
好的。
Okay.
你答应我，在播客结束的时候，你会告诉我你有没有拉肚子，对吧？
You you promise me that at the end of the pod, I'll you can tell me if you have diarrhea or
跟你说实话吧，嗯。
you to be honest with you Mhmm.
如果我有的话。
If I have any of that.
好的。
Okay.
如果你有，你会说实话。
If you have it, you'll be honest.
如果你没有，你就不说实话。
And if you don't, you won't be honest.
所以如果你没有，你就会撒谎
So if you don't, you're gonna lie
然后说
and say
你确实有腹泻。
you do have diarrhea.
等等。
Hold on.
等等。
Hold on.
等等。
Hold on.
等等。
Hold on.
而如果你有，你就会说实话，说你有腹泻。
And if you have it, you're gonna tell the truth and say you have diarrhea.
就说你现在拉肚子了。
Just say you have diarrhea now.
我、我撒谎？
I I lie?
不。
No.
我等到最后再说。
I'm a wait till I get to the end.
好。
Okay.
好。
Okay.
行。
Sure.
我们看看最后会怎么样。
We'll see what happens at the end.
很高兴你能来，克洛伊。
It's great to have you, Chloe.
能来这里真是太好了。
So good to be here.
那个名字是双r的，还是像汽车那样只有一个r？
Is that car with two r's, or is it one r like the automobile?
双r。
Two r's.
不是。
No.
不像汽车那样。
Not like the automobile.
双r。
Two r's.
不过，你开过汽车吗？
Although, have you driven an automobile?
哦，对。
Oh, yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
我就是开车来的。
Drove drove one here.
嘀嘀。
Beep beep.
那就是汽车发出的声音。
That's the sound they make.
对。
Yeah.
当你想要提醒另一个司机的时候，是的。
When you're trying to caution another driver Yeah.
他们可能就要撞上电线杆之类的东西了。
That they they they may be ramming into a pole or something.
我是
I'm a
特别喜欢那种轻轻的喇叭声。
big fan of the soft beep.
就像，我在这儿。
Like, I'm here.
对。
Yeah.
你好。
Hello.
我到了。
I'm there.
比如你看到有人稍微打了一下转向灯什么的。
Like, when you see someone doing, like, a little bit of a blinker or something like that.
我到了。
I'm there.
你、你
You're you're
我在这儿呢。
I'm here.
你搞砸了。
You're fucking up.
你没在转弯。
You're not turning.
或者说你没搞砸。
Or not you're not fucking fucking up.
我会使劲按喇叭。
I'll hit on the horn hard.
我会按喇叭。
I'll horn.
哦，真的吗？
Oh, really?
就是有人开车没达到你的标准。
Just someone someone not driving to your qualification.
或者有人就是那样呗。
Or someone being yeah.
所以有人开得慢。
So someone's being slow.
有人绿灯亮了还停在那儿不动。
Someone's not is sitting on sitting on a on a green.
按喇叭。
Horn.
但感觉有点像，我在你的盲区里。
But it's a little bit like a, I'm in your blind spot.
嘿。
Hey.
嘿。
Hey.
这里。
Here.
你会在他人的盲区里这么做吗？
You'll do it when you're in someone's blind spot?
那肯定经常发生。
That that must happen constantly.
然后你就超车了。
And you and you just pass someone.
不是在高速上。
Not on the highway.
不是。
No.
不是在高速上。
Not on the highway.
不是。
No.
这纯粹是地面道路。
This is purely a surface street.
在
On the
高速公路上，我听音乐唱歌。
highway, I'm listening to music and singing.
但在地面道路上不会。
But not on surface streets.
在居民区里。
On on On residences.
播客。
Podcast.
好的。
Okay.
很高兴你来了。
Great to have you.
谢谢邀请
Thanks for having
我。
me.
有两个问题。
Two questions.
对。
Yes.
接下来我们请出下一位嘉宾，来到圆桌讨论。
Let's get to our next guest, here at the roundtable.
这真让人兴奋。
This is exciting.
我们节目里喜剧演员不多。
We don't have a lot of, comedians on the show.
我们有一位模仿秀演员。
We, have an impressionist.
虽然，说实话，我也不确定你的模仿是不是喜剧性质的，但咱们待会儿就知道了。
Although, I I you know, to be honest, I don't know whether your impressions are comedic in nature, but we'll find that out.
欢迎杰克·加格洛。
Please welcome Jake Gargello.
我发音对吗？
Am I pronouncing that correctly?
加格洛。
Gargello.
加格洛。
Gargello.
对。
Yeah.
好的。
Okay.
抱歉。
Sorry.
杰克·加格洛。
Jake Gargello.
杰克·加格洛？
Jake Gargello?
对。
Yeah.
好的。
Okay.
杰克·加格洛。
Jake Gargello.
杰克·加格洛。
Jake Gargello.
杰克·加格洛。
Jake Gargello.
很高兴见到你。
So nice to meet you.
是的。
Yeah.
那么
So
很高兴
great to
见到你，斯科特。
meet you, Scott.
杰克·加格洛。
Jake Gargello.
对，是的。
I yeah.
这些完全不是喜剧模仿。
These are not comedic impressions at all.
确实不是。
They're not.
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不是。
No.
不是。
No.
不是。
No.
我
I
因为我特别喜欢，呃，那个，那个家伙叫什么名字来着？
Because I loved I I love, like, a a what's what's that guy's name?
弗兰克·卡连多还是保时捷？
Frank Caliendo or Porsche.
他们两个中的一个。
Either one of the them.
他们做模仿秀的。
They did impressions.
对。
Yeah.
比如约翰·麦登那种。
Like John Madden.
是的。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
他模仿得不多，主要是解说橄榄球比赛，但但
He didn't do so many impressions as much as he called football games, but but
我不做。
I do No.
不。
No.
我是说，我真的很喜欢模仿秀演员。
I do love an impressionist is what I'm saying.
通常我听到有人模仿别人模仿得很像的时候，我会觉得好笑。
And usually when I hear someone, the the result of hearing someone accurately impersonate someone is I laugh at it.
不过，是的。
But Yeah.
但你的意思是，对你来说，效果不是这样？
But you're saying that's not the intended effect for you?
不是。
No.
我的业务主要围绕万圣节之类的，因为我做的是恐怖模仿。
I I'm I'm my business is around, like, the Halloween seasons and stuff because I do scary impressions.
恐怖模仿？
Scary impressions?
对，我做恐怖模仿。
I do scary impressions.
比如用在鬼屋那种地方？
For, like, haunted houses or something?
或者
Or
我是说，有可能，但这些人里没有一个是
I mean, it could be, but none of these people are
考虑到我是
considering I'm
第一个提出这个建议的人。
the first person to ever suggest this.
对。
Yeah.
好吧，你做吓人的模仿。
Well You do scary impressions.
我不可能是第一个说‘嘿，你能来我的鬼屋表演吗’的人吧？
I can't be the first person to ever say like, hey, would you come do my haunted house?
不是。
No.
确实如此。
They do.
但我只是让他们知道。
But I just let them know.
我不做那种模仿电影怪兽的事情。
I don't do, like, impressions of, like, of movie monsters.
比如，我们说到电影怪兽的时候，是在说谁呢？像弗兰肯斯坦那样的。
Like, what who are we talking about when we talk about movie monsters like Frankenstein.
怪兽。
Monster.
怪兽怎么了？
What about monster?
她叫什么名字来着？
What was her name?
查理兹·塞隆？
Charlize Theron?
哦，不过那个角色我倒可以模仿。
Oh, But that is someone that I would do.
我模仿的是连环杀手。
I do serial killers.
哦，你……哦，我明白了。
Oh, you oh, I see.
你模仿的是真实人物，我模仿的也是真实人物。
You do real life I do real life
连环杀手。
serial killers.
那查理兹·塞隆是连环杀手吗？
And Charlize Theron is a serial killer?
不是。
Not.
我是说，她演的是那个被称为怪物的女人。
I mean, she plays the role of that lady who is a monster.
她叫什么名字？
What was her name?
艾琳？
Aileen?
对。
Yeah.
艾拉·格拉斯。
Ira Glass.
艾拉·格拉斯。
Ira Glass.
据我们所知，艾拉·格拉斯不是连环杀手。
Ira Glass to our knowledge is not a serial killer.
没错。
Right.
对吧？
Right?
所以，虽然
So Although
我们有一个。
we have.
在电影《玻璃先生》里，我记得塞缪尔·杰克逊演的角色杀了不止一个人，在我看来那就算连环杀手了。
In the movie Glass, I believe Sam Jackson played someone who had killed more than one person, which to my mind makes them a serial killer.
所以我可以模仿一下
So I could do an impression of
塞缪尔·杰克逊？
Sam Jackson?
我宁愿
I would rather
不。
No.
你没有。
You didn't.
不。
No.
但山姆·杰克逊呢。
But Sam Jackson.
我做不到。
I can't.
我做不到。
I can't.
哦，不。
Oh, no.
不。
No.
不。
No.
不。
No.
求你了，克洛伊。
Please, Chloe.
萨姆·杰克逊演玻璃先生？
Sam Jackson as mister Glass?
那个我能演。
I that I could do.
我能演玻璃先生，但演不了萨姆·杰克逊。
I could do mister Glass, but not Sam Jackson.
好的。
Okay.
明白了。
Got it.
那你到底能演谁？
So what who who do you do?
我是说，所有热门角色。
I mean, all the hits.
达默、邦迪、盖西，对。
Dahmer, Bundy, Gacy Mhmm.
理查德·拉米雷斯。
Richard Ramirez.
莱克特？
Lecter?
莱克——我能演莱克特。
Lect I could do Lecter.
但同样，我不是在演安东尼·霍普金斯。
But, again, I'm not doing Anthony Hopkins.
我不是——你演的是真实的安东尼。
I'm not You're doing the real Anthony
莱克特。
Lecter.
汉尼拔·莱克特。
Hannibal Lecter.
没错。
Exactly.
好的。
Okay.
明白了。
Got it.
所以，但我确实下了功夫。
So and but I I put in the work.
所以我知道这些人是谁。
So I know who these people are.
有没有人知道这些人听起来像谁？
Does anyone anyone know who these people sound like?
我是说，我在想我有没有看过杰弗里·达默的录像带之类的。
I mean, I'm trying to think if I've ever even seen tape on, like, Jeffrey Dahmer or
我下了功夫。
I've put in the work.
你刚才说
You when you say
那句话，是什么意思？
that, what do you mean?
我的意思是，我研究过这些人，真的研究过。
I mean, as in, like, I have studied I have studied these people.
我
I
你在哪里找到这些人的录像，还是你去监狱采访他们？
Where do you where do you find tape of these people, or are you going to prisons and interviewing them?
不是。
It's no.
不是。
No.
不是。
No.
主要是通过阅读他们的资料、看纪录片之类的来了解。
It's mostly like reading up on them, watching documentaries and stuff.
所以，就像……
So like To
要弄清楚他们说话是什么样子，你还需要去读他们的资料？
to figure out what they sound like, you you need to read up on them?
你想现在就信服吗？
Do you wanna be convinced right now?
好。
Yeah.
我
I'll
给你演示一下。
show you.
好。
Yeah.
请吧。
Please.
好。
Yeah.
快给我看看，给我看看，来吧。
Show show me show me okay.
谁谁谁，是谁像……
Who who who who's who's like
我最拿手的是多默。
My top seller is Dommer.
多默，真的吗？
Dommer, really?
他就像，是我最常被选中的那个人。
He's my like, that's the person I get picked for the
最多。
most.
好的。
Okay.
行。
Alright.
所以，这是我的——这是杰弗里·达默。
So this is my this is Jeffrey Dahmer.
对吧？
Alright?
著名的连环杀手
Famous serial killer
来自密尔沃基。
out of Milwaukee.
准备好了吗？
And you ready?
你对他的了解就这些吗？
Is that the extent of what you know about him?
你刚才说‘来自密尔沃基’，然后就像要接着说好几件事似的，声音越来越小，结果就停住了。
You said out of Milwaukee, and then you kinda, like, trailed off like you're about to say several other things, but then you just stopped.
嗯，我留着等会儿模仿的时候再说。
Well, I'm saving it for the impression.
哦，真的吗？
Oh, really?
对。
Yeah.
好。
Okay.
他要跟我们介绍他自己吗？
He's gonna tell us about himself?
不。
No.
不。
No.
不。
No.
不。
No.
哦，好吧。
Oh, okay.
行。
Alright.
不好意思，服务员。
Excuse me, waiter.
我是说，克洛伊，那件事好像让你很震惊。
That I mean, Chloe, that that seemed to shock you.
我也不知道自己为什么做好了心理准备。
I don't know why I was bracing for impact.
是的。
Yeah.
我的意思是，他只不过说了句‘打扰一下，服务员’。
I I mean, he all he said was excuse me, waiter.
非常抱歉。
I'm so sorry.
继续说吧。
Keep going.
打扰一下，服务员。
Excuse me, waiter.
这菜单太差了。
This menu sucks.
好吧。
Okay.
我能说……还不错吗？
Can I I mean, good?
不错。
Good.
我是说，是的。
I mean yeah.
对。
Yeah.
很好。
Great.
很好。
Great.
很好。
Great.
菜单上没有人。
There's no there's no people on the menu.
哦。
Oh.
哦。
Oh.
他吃人。
He eats people.
他吃人，所以菜单上才没有人。
He eats people, and so there was no people on the menu.
他有没有讲到那部分？
Does does he get to that part?
因为感觉那样他好像会暴露自己。
Because it seems like he would be sort of giving himself away.
嗯，我是说，我……
Well, I mean, I Is
他就是那样被抓的吗？
that how he was caught?
不是。
No.
休息一下
A rest
有个餐厅经理说，嘿，这家伙刚才承认自己吃人了。
a restaurant manager said, hey, this guy just confessed to eating people.
还是说他点了人肉之类的？
Or he, like, ordered people or something?
不是。
No.
我是说，他确实不是因为这个被抓的，但我敢肯定他经常这么干。
I mean, he did that's not how he got caught, but I'm sure he did it all the time.
不然他去餐厅还能是为了什么？
I mean, why else was he going to restaurants in at all?
你说是吧？
You know?
我觉得他总得吃点别的东西吧，还是说他只吃人肉？
I I I mean, I think he had to eat stuff other than people or do you think he's Or like decided on people for
我觉得一旦尝过那个味道，你就懂了。
I think once you get the taste, you know,
这就是你点的全部了。
that's all your order.
这是你研究里的内容吗？
Is this in your research?
因为这有点像，
Because this is, like,
很多推测。
a lot of speculation.
这确实在研究里。
This is in the research.
你知道，我的意思是，道理是一样的。
It you know, I mean, it's the same way.
有点像《侏罗纪公园》里用青蛙DNA来补全恐龙基因那样，
It's a little bit of, like, you know, putting the frog DNA in to finish out the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park,
你懂的。
you know.
好的。
Okay.
所以这虽然是推测，但也是有科学依据的。
So it's speculative, but it's based on science.
对。
Yeah.
对，但就像是从A到B那样，你明白吧。
Yeah, but it's like a to b, you know.
明白了。
Got it.
所以，所以，所以，人们雇你来扮演达默，然后你说，不好意思，这个菜单太差了。
So so so and and so people hire you to do Dahmer, and you say, excuse me, this menu sucks.
嗯，我会去参加派对，或者他们希望我去的任何地方。
Well, I go I show up at the parties or wherever it is that they want me to be.
你是打扮成达默的样子，还是说……
Are you dressed as Dahmer or do you are you
当然要打扮成那样。
dressed Absolutely.
哦，好的。
Oh, okay.
绝对是的。
Absolutely.
因为现在你看起来并不特别像……我是说，我也不确定。
Because right now, you're you're not especially I mean, I don't know.
这些人……
These guys
如果我真的想扮演一个连环杀手，比如达默那样的，我会先拿到地址，然后提前好几年开始研究。
Well, if I actually wanted to do if I wanted to be one of the serial killers or someone like Dahmer, what I like, they give me the address, and then I start looking into it sometimes years in advance.
所以人们得提前好几年预约你？
So people need to book you years in advance?
那要看他们想要多逼真的模仿效果了。
It depends on how well they want the impression.
对吧？
Right?
好的。
Okay.
人们通常预订的时候会说，哦，你随便演演就行？
Do people normally book people saying like, oh, you can do it shitty.
那，当
Well, when
他们，我
they I
下周有个派对。
have a party next week.
带着你最烂的模仿来。
Come with your shittiest impression.
他们不会那么说。
They don't put it that way.
他们就说，哎呀，我们时间很紧。
They're like, well, we're in a crunch.
然后我
And I
就说，好吧。
go, okay.
这个我倒不清楚。
I I don't know that.
比如说，我一个月后要办个派对。
Like, say I had a party in a month.
我觉得如果我要找娱乐节目的话，不会那么赶时间。
I don't think I would be in a crunch if I was looking for for entertainment.
我觉得那是个合适的时间去试着预约
I I think that's an appropriate time to go try to book
人。
people.
我同意。
And I agree.
但问题是，你知道，你只能得到一个月速成的杰弗里·达默。
But it's just, you know, you're gonna get the month's version of Jeffrey Dahmer.
我觉得人们并不期待你一个月就能学会。
I don't think people expect it to be the month's version.
我认为他们希望你在被预订之前就已经掌握了你的东西。
I I think they expect you to know your stuff before they book you.
我不会提前一个月才开始学习。
I don't start learning a month out.
比如，我已经知道成为杰弗里·达默需要什么了。
Like, I already know what it takes to be Jeffrey Dahmer.
所以我的意思是，杰弗里·达默不是一个月内决定要吃人的。
So I'm saying Jeffrey Dahmer didn't decide in a month he wanted to eat people.
好吧。
Okay.
所以现在别人可以预约你演杰弗里·达默，如果你明天约我，我就能演好。
So people can book you now for Jeffrey Dahmer and you're like, if I booked you tomorrow, you'd be good for it.
哦，对。
Oh, yeah.
当然。
Absolutely.
好的。
Okay.
是的。
Yeah.
这完全说得通，斯科特。
It makes complete sense, Scott.
我不明白为什么
I don't understand what
对。
Yeah.
但如果我明天到场，你就会说这菜单真差劲。
But if I show up tomorrow, you're gonna get this menu sucks.
但你已经了解杰弗里·达默的那些事了。
But you already know this stuff about Jeffrey Dahmer.
但我不会那么说，除非……你今天才开始想杰弗里·达默的事？
But I'm not I don't say that until Did you just start thinking about Jeffrey Dahmer today?
不是。
No.
我只是告诉你。
I'm just telling you.
就像你去地毯店翻样品册一样，你懂吧？
It's like, you know, when you go to a carpet store and you look through the samples?
对。
Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
当然。
Sure.
刚才就是这种情况。
That's what just happened.
对。
Yeah.
你刚才就像翻地毯样品一样，翻了一遍杰弗里·达默的模仿素材，然后说“明白了”。
You just looked through the carpet samples of Jeffrey Dahmer impression with Got it.
我明白了。
I mean, I I see.
你还没准备好完整的表演，但如果我明天就给你安排一个派对，嗯。
You're not prepared to do your entire but if I booked you for a party tomorrow Mhmm.
我得到的就只是地毯样品版本？
I would get the carpet sample version?
不是。
No.
不是。
No.
不是。
No.
你刚才已经明白了。
You got it just now.
如果你明天请我，你会听到像‘哦，不’这样的反应。
If you booked me for tomorrow, you'd get things like, oh, no.
谢谢。
Thank you.
我、我不需要带任何食物回家。
I I don't need to take any food home.
我的冰箱已经塞满了。
My fridge is stuffed.
你
You
你知道吗？
know?
克洛伊，那一下也让你挺惊讶的吧。
Chloe, that surprised you right there as well.
哇。
Wow.
就是说，你这一路上会遇到各种事情。
That's You know, you get, you know, things along your way.
所以，如果我明天约你，我不是说一定会约，也不是说一定不约。
Things along those so I if I were to book you tomorrow, and I'm not saying that I'm going to, I'm not saying I'm not going to.
对。
Yeah.
明天我家里确实有个优雅的小聚会。
I do have an elegant affair going on tomorrow here at the house.
只是鸡尾酒会。
Just cocktails.
对。
Yeah.
还有开胃小菜。
Hors d'oeuvres.
你明白吗？
You know?
比开胃小菜更精致的那种。
Past hors d'oeuvres.
是的。
Yes.
哦。
Oh.
所以呢，你知道，我可能正在找一个人。
So and and, you know, I so I may be looking for someone.
如果我明天就请你来，你能准备好表演杰弗里·达默的全部内容吗？
If I were to book you tomorrow, you would be prepared to do the full repertoire of Jeffrey Dahmer.
斯科特，你可以采访结束后就马上约我。
Scott, you could book me for right after this interview,
我随时都能准备好。
and I'd ready.
马上就能开始。
Going on right after.
你先请。
After you.
那是你的问题。
That's your problem.
你懂我的意思吗？
You know what I mean?
通常我会先吃晚饭。
Usually, I have dinner.
然后哄孩子睡觉。
I put my child to bed.
好吧，那种事需要你
Well, need you for that kind
来帮忙。
of stuff.
杰弗里·达默都能哄孩子睡觉。
Jeffrey Dahmer can put the kids to bed.
我想说，抱歉。
I think Sorry.
《家庭问答》说，答题板上零个答案。
Family Feud says, top zero answers on the board.
我觉得我不需要你。
I don't think I need you.
好的。
Okay.
行。
Alright.
好的。
Alright.
那明天呢？
Well But tomorrow?
明天的事。
For tomorrow.
对。
Yes.
明天。
Tomorrow.
好的。
Okay.
明天，你知道的，在密尔沃基这里你会遇到像好天气这样的东西。
Tomorrow, you know, you'll get things like nice day in here in Milwaukee.
那大家知道吗？我是不是得告诉所有人有个家伙要假扮杰弗里·达默，还是说当你说出像‘密尔沃基这里天气不错’这种话时，大家只会觉得莫名其妙？
And do do people know do I have to tell everyone that there's a guy who's gonna be impersonating Jeffrey Dahmer, or are people just gonna be confused when you say things like nice day here in Milwaukee?
我觉得大家
I think people
会跑过来跟你说，我觉得杰弗里·达默在你派对上。
are gonna be coming up to you saying, I think Jeffrey Dahmer is at your party.
而且他连自己在哪个城市都不知道。
And he doesn't know what city he's in.
我会
I'll
把手机拿出来，然后我给他看，
have my phone out, you know, and I'll be sit I'll show him,
你知道的。
you know.
给他看什么？
Show him what?
你在指什么？
What are you what are you pointing?
你现在在比划手机呢。
You're miming a phone right now.
我不知道你要给他们看什么？
I don't know what you're gonna show them what?
你的区号吗？
Your area code?
或者我
Or I'm
会给他们看密尔沃基的天气，这样我就能有个参考表情。
gonna show them the weather in Milwaukee so I have a reference face.
你有没有遇到过这种情况，有人突然跟你说，嘿。
Has have you ever been anywhere and someone says, like, hey.
顺便说一句，我们现在在加拿大。
By the way, we're in Canada right now.
然后他们给你看加拿大的天气，你就信了。
And then they show you the weather in Canada, and you're convinced.
这简直就是连环杀手的行为。
That's serial killer behavior.
兄弟，这绝对是连环杀手。
That's serial killer, bro.
嘿。
Hey.
谢谢你，克洛伊。
Thank you, Chloe.
好的。
Okay.
我不——哦，那个嘛，我是说，你知道，听起来不错。
I don't oh, that well, I mean, you know, this sounds great.
再说一遍，那只是邦迪的行为。
And we'll talk about Again, that's just Bundy.
那只是更蠢一点而已。
That's just that dumber.
那更蠢了。
That was dumber.
我是说，你看。
I mean, look.
我全程都在模仿邦迪吗？
I Was that Bundy the whole time?
你是在演邦迪还是达默？
Were you doing Bundy doing Dahmer?
不是。
No.
不是。
No.
我演邦迪的时候可有魅力多了。
I'm way more charming as Bundy.
好吧。
Okay.
我
I
不知道。
don't know.
我当时就是，差不多50块50美分抛硬币决定要不要雇你。
I was on the I it was like a $50.50 coin flip whether I was gonna hire you or not.
现在嘛，我也不确定了，不过你还有节目结束前的时间。
Now it's I I don't know at this point, but but you have till the end of the show.
看看是不是，对。
Find out if yeah.
我们会看看你是不是拉肚子，也会看看我到底雇不雇你。
We'll find out if you have diarrhea, and we'll find out if I'm gonna hire you.
这两个悬念一直悬在《喜剧砰》上。
These are the two plot threads that are hanging over Comedy Bang!
砰！
Bang!
为了让你一直看到节目结束。
To keep you hooked until the end of the show.
我们来请下一位嘉宾。
Let's get to our next guest.
他也是第一次上节目。
He's never been on the show either.
真好，今天来了三个我从未见过的人。
So nice to have three people I've never met before here.
他是一位北极探险家。
He is an Arctic explorer.
欢迎埃尔维斯·戴维斯船长。
Please welcome captain Elwes Davies.
下午好，斯科特。
Good afternoon, Scott.
下午好。
Good afternoon.
是的。
Yeah.
很高兴见到您，先生。
So wonderful to meet you, sir.
我也很高兴见到你。
Wonderful to meet you.
我需要敬礼吗？我……我没有参军，也不是任何武装部队的人。
Do I do I need to salute or or, I I'm not enlisted or in any kind of armed services.
斯科特，我确实曾经被授予过船长职务，但不用。
Well, Scott, I did receive my captain's, commission at one point, but no.
不需要敬礼。
No salute necessary.
我们只需要从探险开始。
All we need to do is from exploring.
哦，那你穿的是什么？
Oh, what is it you're wearing then?
因为这身打扮确实不常见。
Because this this is unusual.
是的。
Yes.
确实不常见。
This is unusual.
这个……这件衣服是我自己设计的。
The the the I this is a garment of my own creation.
你是……我不知道该怎么称呼，女裁缝？但你是男的。
Are you a a I don't know what to call a seamstress, but who's a male.
男裁缝？
A seamster?
裁缝的围巾。
A a tailor's scarf.
哦，好的。
Oh, okay.
是的。
Yes.
那就是剪裁的方式。
That that is the cut.
为什么它
Why is it
这么不一样？
so different?
为什么我们非要给它分性别
Why do we need to gender it
从一开始？
in first place?
说得好。
Retweet.
谢谢你，克洛伊。
Thank you, Chloe.
说得真好，支持你。
Love the backup.
嗯，斯科特，我其实没太多时间和女性相处。
Well, I haven't really had much time around the fairer sex, Scott.
我来之前就跟你说过，我大部分时间都
As I told you before I came in here, I have spent most
花在那上面了。
of the that though.
这是你最先提到的。
It was the first thing you mentioned.
对。
Yes.
我走进来，然后
I walked in and I
说了我的手。
said my hand.
我不知道为什么。
I don't know why.
我当时很困惑。
And I I was confused.
嗯，你的手很软，我就说，我的。
Well, your hands were very soft, and I said, my.
我的。
My.
我的。
My.
我已经很久没握过这样的手了，因为你知道，我大部分时间都在海上。
I haven't had a hand like this in my hand for quite some time because, as you know, I've spent most of my time at sea.
对。
Right.
所以，当一只柔软的水手的手放在你手里，让你想起女性的时候，你一定会说点什么。
So when a say when a soft sailor hand is put in in your hand and it reminds you of the fairer sex, you must remark upon it.
好的。
Okay.
那你觉得我的手是水手里比较软的？
And you think I have soft sailors hands?
作为一个水手，你的手确实算软的。
You have have you have soft hands for a sailor.
哦，
For oh,
明白了。
I see.
所以对普通人来说，我的手算硬的。
So I have hard hands for a normal human being.
按我们的说法，对城里人来说是硬手，但对水手来说就是非常软的手。
Hard hands for a as we would call it, a city and, very soft hands for a sailor.
太好了。
Great.
我是说，我觉得每个当水手的人，手都是最硬的。
I'm so, I mean, I guess everyone in, say everyone who's a sailor has the hardest hands possible.
对。
Yeah.
可以这么说。
As it were.
是的，斯科特。
Yes, Scott.
好。
Okay.
而且你是个北极探险家。
And you're an Arctic explorer.
是的，斯科特。
Yes, Scott.
我是个北极探险家。你航行过，大概是在北极那边吧？
I'm an Arctic You sailed around, I guess in the the North?
北方。
The North.
是的，斯科特。
Yes, Scott.
你在寻找什么？
What are you looking for?
你的目的是什么？
What is your purpose?
你为什么这么做？
Why do you do it?
嗯，让我想想。
Well, let's see.
探索吧？
Exploring?
我把我的航海日志带来了。
I've I've brought my ship's log here.
如果你愿意听我读一段，我可以跟你讲讲一些内容。
If you'd like me to read from it, I can tell you a little bit about
我，克洛伊对此非常兴奋。
I I Chloe is very excited about this.
这个，我太喜欢了。
This is I love this.
好的。
Okay.
对。
Yeah.
我的意思是，你能读一点吗？
Let I mean, could you read a little bit from
你的航行日志？
your ship's blog?
5月10日，南安普顿。
May 10, Southampton.
我们一大早就出发了。
We depart early in the morning.
我为什么
Why'd I
要写年份？
put the year?
这样看起来像是任何时间都可以。
Like, this could be any time.
你懂吧？
You know?
比如说，我会
Like, I would
我其实不太想标注具体时间，斯科特。
I I didn't really want to place it, Scott.
在海上，只有海上的时间。
When you're at sea, there's only the sea time.
那干嘛还要管主流时间呢？
Bother with the main time?
既然只有海上时间，干嘛还要管陆地时间呢？
With the why why bother with land time when there's only sea time?
好吧。
Alright.
好吧。
Alright.
抱歉打断一下。
Sorry to interrupt.
5月10日，南安普顿，我们出发。
May 10, Southampton, we depart.
西南风暖洋洋地吹着，风速三节，气压缓慢但平稳地下降。
The winds blowing warm out of the southwest three knots, millibars dropping slowly but calmly.
我从左舷望向第二后甲板。
I looked out upon the second aft deck off the port side.
两个后甲板。
Two aft decks.
这艘船可真大。
That's this is a big ship.
大船，斯科特。
Large ship, Scott.
十二根桅杆。
12 masts.
哦。
Oh.
我的天哪。
My majesties.
有多少根挂着帆？
How many have sails?
你是说桅杆吗？
Of the masts?
对。
Yeah.
你真想让我一个一个数吗？
Do you really want me to go through it?
所以前四根桅杆各有三面帆，中间两根各有两面，后面那根有六面。
So the first four have three, the second two have two, the back one has six.
好的。
Okay.
然后前面还有两根，后面两根，外加一根隐藏的。
And then there's two on the front, two on the back, and one secret one.
哦。
Oh.
一根隐藏的桅杆。
A secret mast.
是的。
Yes.
那个我们只在节假日才升上去。
That we only hoist at the holidays.
所有节假日，比如联邦法定假日？
All holidays, like federal holidays?
或者所有商业假日，斯科特。
Or All mercantile holidays, Scott.
好的。
Okay.
所以六月节也算？
So Juneteenth?
对。
Yeah.
我
I
希望如此。
would hope so.
一直都是，斯科特。
Always, Scott.
一直都是。
Always.
知道了。
Good to know.
这就结束了吗？
Is this the end?
抱歉。
I'm sorry.
你为什么停顿这么久？
Why why are you pausing so long?
斯科特，我接下来要讲的部分对我来说会很难。
Scott, I'm getting to the part that's going to be quite difficult for me.
我知道你在翻书。
I know you're flipping through your book.
你得
You need to
找到5月11日，南安普顿，我们出发。
find May 11, Southampton, we depart.
我们向北行进。
We're traveling north.
就在那时，我们注意到储藏室里的食物渐渐见底了，也就在那时，斯科特，等等。
It is then that we noticed the larders are slowly going bare, and it is then Scott Wait.
你们5月11日出发，储藏室就已经空了？
You you departed on May 11, and your larders are already bare?
你们没有囤货吗？
Did you not stock up or anything?
还是怎么回事？
Or what
斯科特，我们不得不把狗吃了。
Scott, we had to eat the dogs.
哦，不。
Oh, no.
他们在吃狗。
They're eating the dogs.
他们在吃猫。
They're eating the cats.
我说过我不会谈政治，斯科特，但我们……嘿。
I said I wouldn't get political on this, Scott, but we Hey.
这是圆桌会议。
This is the round table.
我们不得不吃狗。
We had to eat the dogs.
哦，来点小麦。
Oh, reach wheat.
天哪。
Oh my gosh.
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