扎克·加利凡纳基斯回归

我不是说它不存在。

I'm not saying it doesn't exist.

但我个人还没找到合我口味的泡菜。

I personally have not have not found the pickle to my liking.

这说得通。

That's fair.

你对加拿大的批评非常具体，也很有道理。

Your attack on Canada is very specific, very specific, and feels warranted.

而且这背后是有原因的。

It's And it comes with a It's

这可是我唯一的意见。

my only beef.

对了，你喝的是什么？

What are you drinking there, by the way?

你老是故意大口大口地喝——

You keep taking ostentatious sips of-

艾弗克莱尔酒。

Everclear.

哦，太棒了，真厉害。

Oh, incredible, amazing.

我想营造一种我们身处同一房间的错觉，因为我觉得让听众觉得我们是在一起聊天很重要。

I wanna create the illusion that we're in the same room because I think it's important for our viewers to think of us as being together.

所以我想先说，这是我第一次在播客里采访某人时和他握着手，很高兴你在这里，真的。

So let me start by saying, this is the first time I've held hands with somebody I've interviewed on the podcast, and it's good to have you here in Yeah,

我们什么时候才能松开手啊？

when are we gonna, when are we gonna let go of the hands?

这感觉有点尴尬。

Because it is awkward.

我知道你一直在试着松开，可我就是握得更紧。

I know you keep trying and I just tighten my grip.

我们隔着这张小桌子坐着，我来给听众描述一下现在的场景。

We're sitting across this little podcast let me describe the scene for our listeners.

扎克·加利凡纳基斯和我坐在播客演播室的对面，我们平时习惯牵着手，这完全不是什么暧昧行为，就是两个亲密的朋友喜欢牵着手而已。

Zach Galifianakis and I are sitting across each other in our little podcast studio, and we were we were holding hands because we tend to do that, and it's not at all a sexual thing, it's just two intimate friends who like to hold hands.

后来我觉得你大概是觉得别扭了，想松开手，可我反而握得更紧了，现在这场景真是越来越怪了。

And then I think you got tired of it and tried to get loose, and I tightened my grip, and now it's getting really odd.

你知道吗，

You know,

实话讲，康纳，我觉得牵着手没什么不好。

honestly, Conan, I am for holding hands.

如果你和我想一起逛逛第三街步行街——我管那儿叫‘nod’——我一点意见都没有。

If you and I wanted to just walk around the 3rd Street Promenade or the nod as I like to call it, I don't have a problem with that.

在欧洲，你常能看到年长的男士，只是朋友，却牵着手走。

In Europe, you see older gentlemen that are just friends holding each other's hand.

我觉得这特别温馨。

I think it's incredibly sweet.

阿联酋那边也是这样，我亲眼见过。

They do that in The United Arab Emirates, I've seen it.

我经常看到这些，就想着，这到底有什么不对呢？

And I've often looked at that and thought, what's so wrong with that?

我知道一件事，也常跟朋友聊起：在十八、十九世纪，男人走路时会勾着胳膊，那是一种亲情和友好的表现。

One of the things I know, and I talk about this a lot with my friends, is that in the eighteenth and nineteenth century, men used to link arms as they walked, and it was a sign of sort of familial goodwill.

我试过跟几个朋友走路时勾胳膊——都是男朋友，但他们都不太愿意。

I have tried to link arms with some of my friends as we walk along, my male friends, and they resist it.

我想问，我们到底在回避什么？

And I think, what are we doing?

为什么我们不能像十九世纪欧洲大街上的男人那样，勾着胳膊一起散步呢？

Why are we why can't we all just link arms and walk together as men did on the boulevards in the nineteenth century?

你会这么做吗？

Would you do that?

你会跟我勾着胳膊，慢慢散步吗？

Would you lock arms with me and stroll?

我完全不介意，伍兹。

I I have no no issue with that, Woods.

我的意思是，你比我高太多了，但除此之外，我大概到你腰这儿吧？

I mean, you're you're grossly taller than I am, but other than that, I don't I mean, what do I come up to your waist?

是的。

Yeah.

也不算特别高吧。

Wouldn't say grossly.

这么说听起来我像个怪人。

It makes me sound like a freak.

好像我……

Makes me sound like I'm.

我身高六英尺二英寸。

Well, look, I'm I'm I'm six two.

你呢？

What are

你呢？

you?

我有

I'm

我远超一米九。

I'm well over 10.

所以别笑啊

So don't laugh

别那样笑，其实正好相反。

at that like you know it's the opposite.

我实际身高是六英尺二。

I'm actually two six.

我一直在想，我第一次见到你是什么时候。

I was trying to think about when I did first encounter.

你很久以前就上过我的节目，那时候还是早期，你特别搞笑。

You used to come on my show way back, way, way back in the early days, and you were so funny.

你坐在钢琴前，一边弹着优美的音乐，一边讲着特别逗的笑话。

You would sit at a piano and you would play music beautifully as you told these hilarious jokes.

你一直都是节目上特别棒的嘉宾，从来不会崩。

You were always a terrific guest to have on the show, and you never broke.

你从不偷笑，也不露笑容。

You never you never smirked or smiled.

你总是保持着那种特别棒的冷面幽默。

You always had that great deadpan.

我每次看你，都心想：这人迟早得搬去加拿大。

I always used to look at you and think, there's a guy that's gonna move to Canada someday.

有一天他会住在

Someday he's gonna live

加拿大。

up in Canada.

我从没说过你会成为大明星，可偏偏就发生了。

I never said, Oh, you're gonna be a big star, which is what happened.

我说的是：你迟早会搬去加拿大，还记得吗？

I said, You're gonna move to Canada, remember?

我记得你曾凑到我耳边低语，然后问我们能不能挽着手走。

I do remember that you whispered into my ear and then you said, Can we walk arm and arm?

沿着林荫大道。

Along the boulevard.

这些事确实都发生过，但我得夸夸你，因为了解你的人，包括我在内，都觉得你是个特别真诚、善良的人，从来都没变过。

These are all things that Yeah, But I will praise you because I know you to be, I think as everyone does, who knows you, you are a very nice and authentic person who's never changed a single wit.

你一直都是你自己的样子。

You've always been yourself.

你

You

你知道我今天来录你这个播客之前，我老婆跟我说了什么吗？

know what my wife told me before I did your podcast today?

她最后跟我说的是：‘好吧，玩得开心，但别做你自己。’

Honestly, the last thing she said to me, she goes, Okay, have fun, just don't be yourself.

嗯，

Well,

了解你。

knows you.

她真的了解你。

She really knows you.

你从来不会得意忘形。

You you never, your head never got swollen.

你从来没变成那种大人物，你知道的，我要是给你打电话，你肯定接。

You never became some big shot, you know, were I to have called you, I know you would have picked up.

你就是这样的人，朴实真诚，真正的好人。

That's the kind of guy you just, you're the salt of the earth, a real.

你不觉得自负特别可笑吗？有些人膨胀得厉害，自负真是毁掉太多人了。

Don't you think ego is really funny when people have giant, I mean, the ego is the destroyer of so many men.

奇怪的是，我们到现在都没意识到这一点。

And it's really funny that we haven't picked up on this yet.

没错。

Right.

我觉得，我们一直被灌输说应该有自我，我是这么想的。

And I just think, I think ego, we've been sold that we're supposed to have an ego, I think.

我的意思是，谁没有呢？

I mean, we all have it.

我当然也有自我。

I have an ego obviously.

你要知道，我墙上挂着一幅自己的巨幅画像，足足有三米高。

I mean, if you could see where I'm staring at a mural of myself that I had painted, it's a 10 feet tall.

就挂在我正对面的墙上。

It's just right on my wall.

我光着膀子，画里就是我。

I'm shirtless.

不过，没错，你说得对。

But no, I Yeah.

自我这东西挺有意思的，尤其是在喜剧圈里，特别有意思。

Ego is a funny thing to me, especially in comedy, it's really funny.

有时候我们会忘了是什么让我们走到这一步，然后就变得疯狂，不过说实话，我还是挺欣赏这些关于自我的东西的。

You know, we forget what brings us there sometimes and then we get crazy, but yeah, the ego is I appreciate those things.

我是有挺大的自我，但说白了，我也就是装装样子罢了。

I mean, I do have a big ego, but it's just, you know, I fake it, I guess.

我觉得你真正想表达的，正是我欣赏的一点——我亲眼看着你取得了巨大的事业成功，还记得你来我们节目时，那时你已经因为《宿醉》爆红，成了炙手可热的喜剧明星。

Well, don't, I think what you're getting at, which is something I appreciate is, I mean, I saw you experience this huge career success, and then I remember very clearly you pulling up to do our show, you know, well into this massive success with The Hangover and just becoming this huge in demand comedic star.

可你开来的车，根本不是什么高档座驾，就是一辆开了很久、估计都没怎么洗过的旧车。

And you pulled up to our show on the Warner Brothers lot in I'm not gonna say it was a fine car, but it was just sort of, I think, a car that you had had for quite a while that I don't think you had cleaned.

我当时就在想，你明白我在说啥吗？

And I remembered thinking, do you do you know what I'm talking about?

那辆车是

This was a

是我那辆敞篷道奇蝰蛇吗？

Was it my convertible Dodge Viper?

绝对不是。

It was definitely not.

还是我的斯巴鲁傲虎？

Or was it my Subaru Outback?

我觉得那辆斯巴鲁傲虎已经挺旧了。

I think it was a Subaru Outback that had seen better days.

我觉得你当时可能还在找杜卡基斯的贴纸。

I think you would Yeah, have been looking for rock

车身上还贴着杜卡基斯的贴纸。

Dukakis stickers on it.

是啊。

Yeah.

你从车里出来的时候，还沉浸在杜卡基斯的狂热里。

And you got out of the car and you were still really high on Dukakis.

你还说，我觉得他还有机会赢。

You were like, I think he could still win this thing.

我记得我当时想，我们还得录节目呢，天哪。

And I remembered I remember thinking we have we have a show to do, and I no.

那都已经是二十五年前的事了。

That was like twenty five years ago.

但那时候我们就聊过这个，我突然意识到，你天赋异禀，而我特别欣赏你的一点是，早在那时你就已经有了非常健康的心态，就像你现在说的那样。

But we were talking about it then, and it occurred to me that, you know, you're incredibly talented, but one of the things that I admired about you is that even then you had this whole, I think very healthy attitude, which is what you just said.

你说奇怪不奇怪，有些人一出名就彻底崩溃了，行为变了，朋友换了，连开什么车都跟着变了？

Isn't that weird that some people would lose their minds, that some people would, it would alter their behavior or who they are, who they would be friends with or what they would drive?

我当演员可不是为了戴顶软呢帽，然后跑去汉普顿混圈子。

Well, I didn't move I didn't become an actor to put on a fedora hat and then go hang out in the Hamptons.

你懂我的意思吧？

You know what I mean?

那不是我的目标，但我觉得在好莱坞，很多人心里想的都是这个。

That ain't that that's what I feel like that's everybody's goal sometimes in Hollywood

对。

Right.

他们就只想去参加派对。

Is they just wanna go go to parties.

我就是这种人，完全不是那样的。

I I'm just I'm just not that person, whatsoever.

我对这些真的一点兴趣都没有。

I just don't it doesn't interest me.

所以那种所谓的好莱坞做派，不管那是什么，确实如此。

So that whole Hollywoodness or whatever that is Yep.

人们觉得你该变成那样，但那其实道德上已经堕落了。

That people expect you to be like, it's just morally corrupt.

首先，我同意你的看法，只是那顶礼帽我不太认同。

Well, first of all, I agree with you except for the fedora part.

我一直觉得，我真正向往的是戴一顶游艇帽，因为小时候看六七十年代的情景剧，只要谁突然暴富了，标配就是一顶游艇帽配蓝色双排扣西装。

I I always thought actually, my my obsession was always that I wanted to start wearing a yachting cap because when I was a kid, if you watched a sitcom that was made in like the sixties or the seventies, the signal that fame or wealth had gone to someone's head was always a yachting cap and a blue blazer.

所以大家总会说，听说某某中了彩票？

So it was always, oh, did you hear that so and so won the lottery?

别担心，查理不会变的。

Well, don't worry, Charlie won't change.

然后查理正好准时进场，说：‘大家好啊。’

And then Charlie would walk in just then on cue and go, well, hello everybody.

他头上戴着游艇帽，身上穿着蓝色夹克。

And he'd have a yachting cap and a blue blazer.

我觉得这太搞笑了。

And I thought that was hilarious.

我觉得这简直是世界上最滑稽的事。

I thought that was the funniest thing in the world.

我在无数部情景喜剧中都见过这种桥段。

And I saw it in a million sitcoms.

我敢打赌，《新鲜王子妙事多》《银色旋风》《太近了》这些剧里都这么演过。

It's like, I'm sure they did it on Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Silver Spoons and Too Close for Comfort.

每次有人出场，他们就来这一套。我当时就想，要是我1993年刚拿到节目时就坚持这么做，每次进房间都戴游艇帽、穿蓝夹克，那该多带感。

They did them every single time someone walked in, and I thought, I would love to have committed to that back when I got my show in '93 and stuck with it and just worn a blue blazer and a yachting cap every time I walked into a room.

不过，这也没改变我。

Well, it hasn't changed me

一点都没变。

at all.

现在你其实也能这么干，还不会被人笑话。

Think now you could really get away with it too.

你完全可以试试看，就照那样来。

You could still try to go for that.

我以前好多年都打扮成弗里达·卡洛的样子。

Look, I dressed as Frida Kahlo for years.

难怪了。

No wonder why.

就是因为我们眉毛长得一样。

Just because we have the same eyebrows.

说实话，我觉得——不知道你怎么看——我们俩大概都见过了想见的大多数人，也见过一些人，一成功就快被压垮了。

Yeah, I actually feel, I don't know what your opinion is on this, but we've both met probably everybody we've kind of wanted to meet at some point or another, and you do see people that are made almost ill by being successful.

他们的自我膨胀到一定程度，反而显得特别不开心。

Their ego inflates to the point where they seem very unhappy.

我一直想写篇论文，投给《新英格兰医学杂志》，解释为什么那些童年梦想全都实现的人反而过得不开心——说实话，我真的搞不懂。

I've always kind of wanted to write a paper for like the New England Journal of Medicine that explains the phenomenon of people that had all their childhood dreams come true becoming miserable, because I honestly don't understand it.

也许他们真到了那一天，才发现这根本不是自己当初想象的样子，我也说不清楚。

Well, maybe they get there and they realize, oh, this isn't what I thought it was gonna, I don't know, I don't know.

我几年前听过一句话，想说是帕顿·奥斯瓦尔特说的。

There was a quote I heard years ago and I want to attribute it to Patton Oswald.

这话不是我想出来的，但我觉得可能是帕顿说的。

I didn't come up with this, but I think maybe Patton did.

如果真不是他讲的，那我向原作者道歉。

And if he did not, excuse me, whoever did come up with it.

原话是：我想出名到再也不用说真话。

But the line is, I wanna be so famous, I've never told the truth again truth again.

这话我觉得特别有意思。

Which is so funny to me.

我觉得这话应该是乔治·S·巴顿将军说的。

I think that was general George s Patton.

我得跟我们的工程师萨姆先生说一声，您的一举一动我们都能听见。

I have to just tell our our our engineer, excuse me, sir Sam, we can hear everything that you're doing.

您在搓纸呢。

You're crinkling.

哎呀，实在不好意思。

You're I'm I'm so sorry.

哦，没事。

Oh, sure.

对的。

Yeah.

别放在心上。

No problem.

这种事在专业播客里肯定经常发生。

I'm sure that happens all the time on professional podcasts.

萨姆在后面忙着做一连串的熟食三明治，还帮顾客打包。

Sam is back there making, I think, a a series of deli sandwiches and wrapping them for customers.

是的

Yeah.

我用的是法国产的多力多滋包装袋。

I'm I'm using a French Doritos bag.

是的

Yeah.

我在这段录音期间还有另一份工作。

I have I have another job during this one.

抱歉。

I apologize.

是的

Yeah.

那也太夸张了。

That was insane.

我四处张望，心想是谁在

I was looking around thinking who's

我知道。

I know.

我我

I I

是谁在拆包装？我给他们发了邮件。

who's unwrapping I emailed them.

产品。

Products.

然后我看到萨姆在那边，正开着麦克风，一连串地拆礼物。

And and then I see Sam over there, and he's full on just unwrapping a series of gifts with his microphone on.

扎克，对不起。

Zach, I apologize.

我不知道该说什么，除了立刻飞去加拿大你家，待上一两周，好好补偿你，我实在想不到别的办法。

I I don't know what to say and how I how I can make this up to you other than to come to you personally at your home in Canada immediately and spend a week or two making it up to you.

我真的很希望你能。

I I would I would love for you.

我有很多家务活要你帮忙做。

I have a lot of chores I need you to do.

你有什么问题吗？

Do you do you have a problem?

如果你真来探望我，还是有不少活儿得干。

If you did come visit me, there are chores that need to be done.

我这个人，连我都觉得不太靠谱。

I am someone I'm not even Yeah.

索娜，你得站我这边。

You will back me up on this, Sona.

我愿意做一件家务。

I will do a chore.

好的。

Yeah.

我有一辆皮卡，最近有个朋友请我绕远路，开六十英里去帮她接两把小沙发。

I have a pickup truck, and a friend of mine recently asked me to drive well out of my way, like 60 miles, and go pick up two small couches for her.

这是我的朋友艾米。

This is my friend, Amy.

我确实去了，把那两个小沙发搬上皮卡的后斗，开车送到她家，又搬进了屋里。

And I did, and hauled them into the back of a pickup truck, and then drove them to her house, and then hauled them into the house.

等等，等等，你意思是，你一个人干了这些？

Wait, wait, wait, wait, You did this on your own, but by yourself.

你说你有辆皮卡，是自己开的，还是你只是有辆车，但没提司机？

When you say you have a pickup truck, you left out and a driver, or do you just have

是的，我有辆皮卡，它叫吉尔斯。

a pickup Yes, his name is Giles.

它叫吉尔斯，还穿着燕尾服。

His name is Giles, and he wears a tuxedo.

我后斗里放着一张安妮女王床，躺上去就像个病恹恹的老太太，被人拉着到处转。

I have a Queen Anne bed in the back bed, and I lie in it like a sick old lady, and I'm driven around.

不，是我自己开的皮卡。别人找我帮忙，我就去办。

No, I drove my own pickup truck to get, you know, when someone asks me to do something, I do it.

我真不想亲口这么说，但我觉得自己可能是这世上最善良的人了。

And I hate that I have to say this myself, but I think I'm one of the nicest people that ever lived.

真希望有别人替我说出来。

Well, I wish someone else had said it.

你刚才讲这个故事的时候，听起来就像她让你多绕了六十英里路。

Well, the way you recounted the story just now, you were like, she made me go 60 miles out of my way.

你就是想让我们知道你付出了多少努力。

Like, you wanted us to know how much effort you put in.

你还记得我那时候干过这事吗？

Do you remember when I did this?

记得，因为你以前就提过。

I do because you've talked about it before.

抱歉啊。

Well, I'm sorry.

也许我有点钻牛角尖，但我就是想让扎克明白，我这个人真的挺靠谱的。

Maybe I'm a dog with a bone here, but I wanted Zach to understand that I'm a real good guy.

我不太想自吹自擂，但我可能是有史以来最棒的三个人之一。

I hate to sound like I'm blowing my own horn, but I might be one of the three best people that ever lived.

我乐意开着皮卡帮你搬东西，只要你需要，我随时都愿意帮忙。

And I would gladly, you know, haul stuff in my pickup truck and help you in any way I could.

扎克。

Zach.

我得跟你说，好多年前，我偶然认识了一个女人，当时我在卖她一张沙发。

I gotta tell you, years ago, somehow I met I knew this woman, and I was selling her a couch.

她说她没空来取，但她叔叔会来拿。

And she said that she couldn't come pick it up, but her uncle was going to come get it.

我说，那太好了。

And I go, okay, so great.

结果这人真来了，要把沙发拉走。

And this guy shows up to take the couch away.

这人就是她叔叔。

This guy is uncle.

那个人就是托尼·沙卢。

And it was Tony Shaloo.

这太棒了。

That's fantastic.

确实没错。

It's totally true.

我的意思是，我其实也不是故意这么说，就是当时我一看，简直不敢相信，而且我特别喜欢他那个姓，沙卢布。

And I mean, I don't really mean, I just was I just looked at couldn't believe that I mean and also, I just love his last name, Shaloob.

顺便说一句，他真的是个特别和善的人。

And he was by the way, he was the nicest man.

我不知道你有没有采访过他。

I don't know if you've ever interviewed that guy.

是的。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

当然。

Sure.

哇。

Wow.

真是特别接地气，完全就是这样。

What a what a what a down to earth, absolutely.

你想想，他搬沙发的样子，根本看不出是个有名的演员。

You mean, you would've never known he was, you know, a successful actor, the way he moved that couch.

我没帮他。

I didn't help him.

我觉得你其实可以稍微帮一下的。

Well, know, you could have helped a little bit, it feels to me.

我帮了，那其实是个双人小沙发。

I did, it was actually a love seat.

我能问个问题吗？

Can I ask a question?

所以他来的时候，你有没有喊他‘沙卢’？

So when he showed up, did you say, Hey, Chaloub?

还是他主动跟你握手，说‘你好’？

Or did he shake your hand and say, Hello?

然后对着根本不存在的摄像机说‘我是演员托尼·沙卢’？

And then look at a camera that wasn't there and say, I'm actor Tony Chaloub.

后来怎么了？

What happened?

这怎么可能

How does

这也太尴尬了吧。

that, that's so awkward.

我

I

我开门的时候，一看到任何演员，脑子里就自动响起音乐，那是

opened the door, I opened the door, and as I see any actor, music goes off in my mind, it's

所以每当你看到任何有名气的人，脑子里就会自动响起《娱乐今日》的主题曲。

So the Entertainment Tonight theme plays in your head anytime you see any person of any fame.

我当时开门，心里还嘀咕：这人看起来挺像演员的。

I think I may have opened and thought, oh, that guy looks like an actor.

后来我从买主那儿才知道那人就是他，或者我记不清具体怎么知道的了，但肯定是托尼·舒尔茨。

And then I found out from the lady I sold it to that it was him, or I don't remember how it went down, but it was clearly Tony Schulz.

他一个人来的。

He was by himself.

说白了，重点就是，演员也能搬沙发。

You know, it was really, I mean, I guess the point is actors can move couches too.

这正是我一直在这个播客里想表达的观点。

That's the point I've been trying to make with this podcast.

既然你终于明白了，那这节目可以结束了。

Now that you've made it, we can shut it down.

这是《康南·奥布莱恩》的最后一期。

This is the last episode of Conan O'Brien.

我终于说了你一直想让人说的那句话。

I finally said the line you wanted someone to say.

我可是憋了好久才说出来的。

I've been trying forever.

一直都是这样。

This is whole time.

你这下还赢了三百块。

This is you win $300 too.

喂。

Hey.

你赢了三百块。

You get $300.

刚有只小鸭子游过去了。

A little duck just came down.

那腌菜呢？

And pickles?

不行。

No.

不要酸黄瓜。

No pickles.

那些都不行。

Those no.

我们不能这么做。

We can't do that.

你明白吧？

You know?

不行。

No.

我本来以为我们之前有了点进展，那时候我的工程师萨姆——我觉得，我相信他正用一种特别硬的包装纸包望远镜，结果话筒还开着。

I thought we were onto something before my engineer, Sam, I think, I believe he was wrapping a telescope with some very stiff wrapping paper and left the mic on.

我们在聊自我，你当时引用了帕顿·奥斯瓦尔特的话。

We were talking about ego and you quoted Patton Oswald.

如果你能的话

And if you could

再重复一遍那句话吧，如果是帕顿·奥斯瓦尔特说的，我觉得我们快说到点子上了。

repeat that quote, if it is Patton Oswald's, because I thought this was, we're getting to something really good.

我想出名到没人敢跟我说真话。

I wanna be so famous, I'm never told the truth again.

我是开玩笑说的，但这话真有意思。

I mean, it was said in jest, but it's just, it's such a funny thing.

没错，我也觉得好笑，因为确实有几分道理——那些童年不幸福的人，把成名当成一种报复。

No, and it's also, I do think it's funny because it's kind of true, but people who had some kind of unhappiness in their childhood becoming famous as their revenge.

一开始还管用，但跟其他毒品一样，很快就失效了。

It kind of works for a little bit, and then it's like any other drug, it fades really quickly.

然后他们就暴怒了。

And then they're enraged.

我跟人说过多少次了：你不懂，我都出名了。

You don't know how many times I've said to someone, you don't get it, I'm famous.

真是可惜啊。

You know, it's too bad.

我年轻那会儿，二十多岁的时候，去餐厅要是没座位或者人家说要等，我就故意说：不好意思，您知道我是谁吗？

I used to, as a bit in my twenties in restaurants when there wasn't room or when they told me they had to wait, I would say, excuse me, do you know who I am?

那时候觉得挺好玩的，但后来有一次上电视节目，我刚想来这一套，立马觉得自己简直是世界上最讨人厌的人。

And it was a fun bit for me to do because I was, and then I got to this point when I was at a TV show where I couldn't, if I even started to do my favorite bit, I was the biggest asshole in the world.

对啊。

Yep.

那招我就再没用过了。

So that one went.

那招很快就弃用了。

That one went really quickly.

不好意思。

I'm sorry.

不过那确实是个挺有意思的段子。

Well, it's a good bit.

你随时都可以跟我们说。

You could say it to us anytime you want.

我觉得我已经说了。

Well, I think I do.

是的。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

但你好像并不在意。

And you don't seem to care.

你是在找跟餐厅有关的段子吗？

Are you looking for restaurant bits to do?

我喜欢餐厅题材，没错。

I like restaurant yes.

我有什么特别棒的餐厅段子，真想听听。

What I have What restaurant great I wanna hear.

我想听听。

I wanna hear.

我有个

I have a

有一次服务员回了我一句特别对的话，就那么一次。

great it's only it's only it's only happened once where the waiter said the right thing back to me.

你知道的，菜单上通常都会标着价格。

So, you know, menus they'll have like the price next to it, obviously.

这事儿挺有意思的。

So this is a fun thing to do.

我去点个48号，结果服务员说：先生，那是价格。

Go, yeah, I'll take the number 48 and the waiter goes, sir, that's the price.

我当时就说，哦，原来如此。

And I went, oh, in

那这样的话，我能点6号吗？

that case, can I have the number 6?

有个特别棒的演员叫路易·奈，他以前常在史蒂夫·艾伦的《今夜秀》里出现。你只要见过他，就知道他真是个演技超棒的配角演员。有一次我去参加婚礼，那时候他大概七十多快八十了，结果我被安排和他坐一桌。上菜的时候，一位服务员把一盘菜直接放到了他面前，他抬起头，一脸认真地说：

There's a great, there's a great- There's a great character actor named Louie Nye, who used to be on Steve Allen's Tonight Show, and you'd know, if you saw him, he's just a brilliant character actor, and I went to a wedding once, and at this time he would have been probably in his late 70s or early 80s, but I got seated at a table with Louie Nye, and it came time for food to be served at this wedding, and someone put up, the waiter put a plate, this woman put a plate of food right in front of him, and he looked up with great sincerity and went,

哎呀，你真不用这么麻烦。

Oh no, you didn't have to do that.

你根本不用，真的不用。

You shouldn't, you didn't

真的不用这么费心。

have to do that.

她不是在给他上菜，倒像是送了他一份大礼，我当场就笑出来了。

Like she was giving him this great gift rather than just serving him his meal and I laughed.

他演得太到位了，明显这招从1952年上《今夜秀》早期节目就开始用了。

He did it so well, and you could tell he's been doing this bit since 1952 when he was on the early tonight.

哎呀，真不用。

Oh, no.

你真的太客气了。

You shouldn't have.

不是。

No.

我觉得这太棒了，但我肯定做不到他那么好。

And I thought that's fantastic, but I could never do it as well as him.

他那种表现，我真的好想也能这么演一回。

He was that's that's I wish I I I could get away with that bit.

我觉得你可以。

I think you could.

这招挺有意思的。

That sounds like a fun bit.

你大概在餐厅里见过我演过几段不错的桥段吧，Sona。

You've seen me probably do some good bits in restaurants, Sona.

对。

Yeah.

特别棒。

Really good.

我见过你表演那些小段子。

I've seen you do do bits.

你是说把眼镜稍微戴歪一点？

You mean just put my glasses on a little bit sideways?

哦，那不算什么。

Oh, that's that's not a

这小段子不错啊，康纳。

bad bit, Conan.

我是说，你是唯一一个觉得这样可以的人。

I'm the only person who you mean like, Yes.

对。

Yes.

把眼镜稍微戴歪一点。

Put the glasses on a little bit.

我发誓。

I swear to god.

索妮亚，这种笑话不管听多少遍都不觉得老，也一点都不好笑。

Sonia, it's one of those jokes that never gets old or funny.

等你视力开始下降，能玩的梗多得是。

There's so many bits you can do once your eyes fail.

大多数人到了四十多岁需要戴眼镜时都挺沮丧的，我反而特别开心。

I was so happy most people get upset when they're in their mid forties and they need glasses.

因为我发现，戴眼镜能带来太多搞笑的可能了。

I was thrilled because there's so many funny things you can do with glasses.

简直天地任我闯，想怎么玩都行。

It's just the world's your oyster.

我希望我身体其他地方也赶紧出点问题，这样我就能有更多新梗可以玩了。

I hope more parts of my body fail very quickly so I can have more and more bits to do.

你有没有

Do you

把眼镜戴反了，还装作自己没发现的样子？

ever put them up on up put them on upside down as if you didn't know you did put them upside down?

是的。

Yep.

当然。

Sure.

我们做过。

We've done that.

大家都做过。

We've all done that.

在餐厅里？

In a restaurant?

在你走运之前，那段日子对你来说是什么样的？

What was it like for you back in the early days before things went your way?

你会去试镜吗？

Would you go out on auditions?

我以前会去参加商业广告的试镜，但后来就不去了，因为几年前有一次，他们让我爬在地上吃一块饼干，我实在做不出那种事。

Well, I would go out on commercial auditions and then I stopped doing that because the last commercial audition years ago was they asked me to get on all fours and eat a cracker, which I just couldn't bring myself to do that one.

之后我就再没参加过商业试镜了，因为我实在不擅长试镜。

And then I didn't do any more commercial auditions because I just, I'm not good at auditioning.

我从来就不擅长。

I never was good.

我就是干不了这个。

I'm just not good at it.

后来我有一次去试镜《欢乐一家亲》，反馈居然是说我得去洗个澡。

And then I got once I auditioned for that show, Frasier, and the the feedback was that I needed to take a shower.

什么？

What?

你在说什么啊？

What are you talking about?

是啊。

Yeah.

你试镜完收到的评价居然是这个？

That was the that was the note you got after you auditioned?

我没拿到那个角色。

I didn't get it.

我当时根本没站在停车场里说：‘嘿。’

I wasn't standing in the parking like, hey.

你们到底听说了什么？

What did you guys no.

不过我的经纪人转达了这个反馈，说他们觉得我需要洗个澡。

But my my my my representation relayed that information that it seemed like I needed a shower.

这其实意思是……

Here's what that's

顺便说一句，这可能是我这几年听过最棒的反馈了。

By the way, that was the best feedback I've gotten for years.

所以……

So

至少说明他们认真看了你的表演。

Well, at least you knew they were paying attention.

他们说得对。

They were right.

我不清楚你怎么样。

I don't know about you.

你提到你去试镜，结果转身就走了，拒绝了那种得趴在地上吃饼干的屈辱。

You know, you mentioned you went into an audition and then you walked out, you refused the indignity of having to get on all fours and eat a cracker.

如果有人让我这么做，我也会拒绝。

I would too, if I was asked to do it.

但要是我自己突然觉得，趴在地上吃块饼干在朋友面前，甚至在电视上，挺搞笑的，而且是我自己想的，我立马就干，一点都不后悔。

But if I, on my own, if it occurred to me that it might be funny to get on all fours and eat a cracker in front of my friends, or even on national television, if in the moment it struck me and it was my idea, I would do it in a second with no regret.

是的，你说得一点都没错。

Yeah, you're exactly right though.

关键在于，要是你自己想出来的，那就没问题；但要是别人让你这么干，出于别的原因，那感觉完全不一样。

That it's the, if you came up with it, it's okay, but having someone say it to you for other reasons, it doesn't, it's not the same.

对，就像别人让你做同样的事的时候。

Yeah, like when people the same.

你要是想雇我去杀人，那我可真生气了。

Try to hire me to murder, I'm insulted.

我不是职业杀手，但要是我自己一时冲动想动手，那另当别论。

I'm not a murderer for hire, but when I lash out on my Please do it on the side.

对。

Yeah.

要是我气头上真杀了人，我觉得还挺酷的。

When I just lose my temper and murder someone, I think that's cool.

你打算把杀人那段剪掉吗？

Are you gonna edit that part out about the murder?

因为

Because

我的意思是

I mean

这事儿有两种处理方式。

There's two ways to go.

我们以前都会把我说的那些杀人供词剪掉，后来改成留着，还试着把它做成某种宣传，结果价格直接飙升了。

We used to edit out all my admissions of murder, and then we started leaving them in and kind of trying to turn it into an ad for and various that, and then prices just went through the roof.

我和索娜都希望他赶紧被抓起来关进去，越快越好。

And Sona and I also want him arrested and locked up, the sooner the better.

那不是挺好的吗？

Wouldn't that be nice?

我觉得很多人都希望看到这样的结果。

I think, I think a lot of people would like to see that.

你觉得很多人，扎克，都希望看到我坐牢？

You think a lot of people, Zach, would like to see me imprisoned?

是的。

Yes.

关进监狱。

Incarcerated.

对。

Yes.

是的

Yeah.

很多人

A lot of people.

对

Yeah.

我的意思是，你听，这还只是风声而已。

I mean, look, word, that's just the whisper.

过去一段时间里，我听到的都是这类风声。

Those are the whispers I've heard over the last

我可从来没听过这种名人之间的闲言碎语。

few I've never heard that celebrity whisper.

我听过有人说这个人刻薄，那个人小气。

I've heard that person's mean, that person's cheap.

各种各样的说法我都听过。

I've heard all kinds of things.

那个人对下属特别刻薄。

That person's cruel to their staff.

我听过各种各样的传闻。

I've heard all kinds of rumors.

我从来没听过，我真的希望那个人能被关进监狱。

I've never heard, I really wish that person was incarcerated.

我开过好几次Zoom会议，就为了找证据把你揭发出来。

I've had Zoom meetings just to try to get you, you know, busted

告你谋杀。

for murder.

我们一定会让你付出代价。

We're gonna get you.

你这威胁也太没威慑力了，我听过的最没劲的威胁就是这个。

We're gonna get That's the least threatening we're gonna get you I've ever heard.

我们一定会让你付出代价。

We're going to get you.

我们就要

We're gonna

抓住你。

get you.

我们一定会抓住你。

We're going to get you.

我们就要

We are going to

抓住你。

get you.

我们就要

We are going to

抓住你。

get you.

别动。

Freeze.

你有没有过这种经历：为自己、家庭和你在演艺圈之外的身份，建立起一种独特的尊严和自我认同？

Do you done this strange thing where you have your own sense of dignity and self that you've built around your personal life and your family and who you are as a person outside of show business.

我该怎么做到这一点？

How do I do that?

你跟我说说，我该怎样才能拥有这种东西？

Tell me, how do I achieve that?

但对我来说，一切只关乎最新的热门话题。

Because to me, it's all about the latest hit.

你懂的，我有没有拿到属于我的那份名气？

You know, did I get my hit of fame?

你现在还带青少年吗？

Are you still taking teen people?

你还在

Are you still

这仍然是你的一项吗？

is that still one of the

所以我干脆就忽略你生活的这一部分。

so I would just kind of ignore that realm of your life.

真的，别管它。

Really, ignore that.

我就会直接……

I would just,

对。

yeah.

你是不是总在刷推特？

And do you always looking at your Twitter feed?

我一直在刷推特。

I'm constantly on my Twitter feed.

别人跟我讲他们发了什么推，我就完全听不进去。

Man, when people tell me what they tweeted, I just glaze.

他们可能说刚放了个屁。

They might have said I just farted.

我不喜欢聊推文的事。

I hate talking about tweets.

我不喜欢听的时候走神。

I hate to just glaze over.

我真的搞不懂那个世界是怎样的。

I have no idea what that world is.

没错。

Right.

我就觉得，尤其是搞漫画的，还有媒体，一打开全是人在讨论谁跟谁发了条推，太奇怪了。

It just I feel so that's where I feel, especially comics, and there's this, all this, and even the media, you turn on, and they're just talking about people tweeting each other.

这真的让我觉得特别怪。

It's so odd to me.

我倒不是，我确实会看。

I do not, I do.

太奇怪了。

So weird.

我们每天发一条搞笑的推文，但我从不互动。

We sent out like a joke, a joke tweet once a day, but I don't engage.

我不回复别人，也不掺和进去，但我看到很多人特别投入，还跟人吵起来。

Not in there responding to people and I'm not getting into it, but I know so many people really get into it and get into feuds.

我最近特别关注的一件事，就是被人怼了立刻回击。

One of the things I see a lot that I've become obsessed with is clapping back at someone.

我之前跟你说过这事，索娜。

And I've talked to you about this, Sona.

经常是，一个名人——比如一个女人穿比基尼摆拍，然后我敢说，她会雇五个人把每条评论都翻一遍，直到终于找到一条负面的，说‘你穿这比基尼看起来还能更好看点’。

What will happen is a celebrity will pose, a woman will pose in a bikini, and then I swear to God, hires, whoever this person is, will hire five people to read every single comment until inevitably they find a negative one that says, you could look a little better in this bikini.

然后这位明星就会 defiantly 回击。

And then what the star does is defiantly claps back.

她回击说：‘你怎么敢这么说？’

I clap back and I say, how dare you?

我为自己的身材和曲线感到骄傲。

I'm proud of my body and my curves.

然后媒体就报道说，这位穿比基尼的女明星反击了那个敢对她身材指手画脚的喷子。

And then the media writes about it and says, celebrity lady in bikini fought back and clapped back at the troll who dared to body shame her.

其他明星也跟着说，干得漂亮，你怼得好。

And then other celebrities say, good for you, you clapped back at the troll.

结果就闹得满城风雨。

And then it's a whole thing.

我觉得，唉，这怕是美利坚帝国要完蛋了。

I think, oh, it's the end of the American empire.

帝国通常都是从内部垮掉的吧？

Empires usually fall within, right?

从来都是内忧导致崩溃。

They always fall from within.

对。

Yeah.

你知道吗，这种现象在我眼里就像一个空心的大蛋糕，看起来蓬松膨胀，其实啥也没有。

You know, that's the phenomenon that to me is like a big cake, a big puffed up cake that's made of nothing.

到处都是义愤填膺，接着又是各种点赞加油、拍肩鼓励。

There's all this outrage, and then there's all this good for you and slapping on the back.

而那个敌人呢，是个谁都不认识的网络喷子。

And the enemy is a troll who no one ever knows.

他们都是匿名的。

They're anonymous.

明星本人其实根本不在乎。

The celebrity doesn't really care.

说白了，就是这么回事，一切都结束了。

It's just, it's a, yeah, it's the end.

根本没人关心。

Nobody cares.

根本没人关心。

Nobody cares.

这事儿真挺奇怪的。

It's strange.

你知道吗，我以前对推特的看法是，我觉得自己想出了一句特别棒的话：走高路。

You know, I, I once, my feeling about Twitter is I thought I came up with this really great quote on my own, is take the high road.

那条路上从来没人走。

There's no traffic on it.

我真以为那是我原创的。

I really thought I came up with that.

我还会跟侄女之类的人这么说。

I'd be saying it to my niece or something.

那句话就是从我脑子里自然冒出来的。

And it just came out of my head.

我当时特别得意，觉得这是我给年轻人关于推特的最好建议。

And I was really proud that that was my advice I'd given to this younger person about Twitter.

天啊，那真是一句绝佳的话。

God, I really that's a really good quote.

走高路。

Take the high road.

那条路上一点车都没有。

There's no traffic on it.

哇，扎克，干得漂亮。

Wow, Zach, way to go.

结果一周后，我想起来了，特伦特·洛特？

And then a week later, I saw remember Trent Lott?

是的。

Yep.

当然。

Sure.

他一周后也说了完全一样的话。

He said the exact same thing a week later.

对啊。

Yeah.

当然。

Sure.

那有什么不对吗？

What's wrong with that?

特伦特·洛特是因为他说那些搞笑的名言出名的吗？

Is Trent Lott famous for his funny I know.

搞笑的格言。

Funny aphorisms.

你到底有什么意见？

What's your problem?

你应该感到荣幸才对。

You should be honored.

我以为自己想出了个原创的金句，结果发现这竟是句老生常谈？

Well, I thought I'd come up with this original quote, and then I see is that a thing people say?

就是走高路。

It's take the high road.

路上车少。

There's less traffic on

就是这句话。

it.

我以前没听过。

I haven't heard it.

我的意思是，早在你之前，特伦特·洛特就公开说过这句话了。

I mean, I heard at the time Trent Lott famously said it long before you did.

除了那个，我就不知道了。

I didn't know it other than that.

也许他是从我这儿拿去的，科南。

Well, maybe he took it from me, Conan.

我不清楚。

I don't know.

我早就从特伦特·洛特和其他参议员那儿拿过不少东西了。

I've been taking stuff from Trent Lott and other senators for a long time.

你从克兰斯顿那儿抄的东西可真不少。

You took so much stuff from Cranston.

不错的素材。

Good material.

你真是个坏蛋。

You're a bad guy.

克兰斯顿是谁？

Who's Cranston?

艾伦·克兰斯顿。

Alan Cranston.

参议员艾伦·克兰斯顿。

Senator Alan Cranston.

哦，想起来了。

Oh.

记得吗？

Remember?

哦，你得先说名字啊。

Oh, I well, you gotta give me first name.

我觉得我不必。

I don't think I have to.

你认识另一个吗？

Do you know the other?

我以为是。

I thought Yeah.

有个叫杰夫·克兰斯顿的。

There's a Jeff Cranston.

哦，你以为是布莱恩，你以为是布莱恩·克兰斯顿。

Oh, you thought Brian oh, you thought Brian Cranston.

那你以为他是干什么的？

And what and what did you think?

杰夫。

Jeff.

杰夫·克兰斯顿。

Jeff Cranston.

就是我认识的一个普通人

Just a guy I know,

杰夫·克兰斯顿。

Jeff Cranston.

当然了。

Sure.

你以为我刚才说的就是杰夫·克兰斯顿。

You thought I was just talking about Jeff Cranston.

各位，我有个坏消息要告诉你们。

Guys, I got some bad news for you.

那句‘走高路，上面车少’，其实是来自一位博士的话。

That quote, take the high road, there's a lot less traffic up there, is from Doctor.

菲尔。

Phil.

不是。

No.