无需争吵的沟通

在心理健康、情绪调节、个人发展等所有我们应关注的事项中，沟通理应位居首位。沟通确实是人际联结的纽带。至少在我们所处的三维世界里，我们无法摆脱对它的需求。人类却颠倒了信息处理的优先级，不幸的是，这一切都围绕着效率构建。

Of all the things that we should be focused on in terms of mental health, emotional regulation, personal development, communication should be the number one. Communication is indeed the fabric of human connection. And at least on this three-dimensional plane of existence, we can't get around our need to use it. Human beings inverse their hierarchy of information processing. It is all built around efficiency, unfortunately.

为了追求效率，我们最终会在不知不觉中依赖假设而非实际——而一旦形成假设就难以回头。你准备好聆听了吗？欢迎回到新一期的《解码》节目。我是主持人Bizzy Gold，本期节目将全程探讨沟通之道，主题是《无冲突沟通》。

And in an effort to be efficient, we end up accidentally leaning on assumptions before actual you can't go back. Are you ready to listen? Welcome back to another episode of Decoded. I'm your host, Bizzy Gold, and today's episode is all about communication. The title is Communication Without the Fight.

我知道有些人可能苦于自己的沟通方式、肢体语言，甚至只是眉毛表情，沟通在任何关系中都可能成为致命弱点，它也能摧毁你的职业目标和抱负，还会在育儿过程中制造挑战。因此我们必须牢记：在心理健康、情绪调节、个人发展等所有事项中，沟通绝对应该排在第一位。沟通确实是人际联结的纽带，至少在我们所处的三维世界里，我们无法摆脱对它的需求。你们中最大的问题在于，沟通障碍会导致冲突、认知错位、挫败感，可能让你感到不被理解，甚至产生彻底回避人群的念头。

I know for some of you that may struggle with your communication style, your body language, or, hey, maybe even just your eyebrows, communication can be kryptonite in any relationship setting, can also destroy your career goals and aspirations. It It can even make it challenging when parenting children. So we have to keep in mind that communication of all the things that we should be focused on in terms of mental health, emotional regulation, personal development, communication should be absolutely number one. Communication is indeed the fabric of human connection, and at least on this three-dimensional plane of existence, we can't get around our need to use it. The biggest problem for some of you is that you struggle with communication leading to conflicts, misalignments, frustrations, maybe just feeling like you're unheard, and even maybe something that just makes you want to avoid people altogether.

为了深入探讨这个话题，我们先给沟通下一个实用定义：沟通是信息或数据的双向交换，既包含发送也包含接收。沟通永远是双向车道。我在心理健康行业深耕超过十一年，服务过数千名客户。我可以告诉你，无论对方背景如何、受教育程度高低、出身贫富、是否经历过创伤，人类都会颠倒信息处理的优先级。

To jump into this and kick it off, let's give ourselves a working definition of what communication is. Communication is the exchange of information or data, and it is both sending or receiving. Communication is always going to be a two way street. I've been in the mental health industry for over eleven years, and I've worked with thousands of clients. And I can tell you, no matter what the person's background, how much education they had, whether they came from a wealthy family or an impoverished family, whether they experienced trauma or not, human beings inverse their hierarchy of information processing.

这是人类发展中最令我着迷的现象之一。如果你听过我往期节目，我将其称为社会情感成熟悖论——因为现实是我们实际上在退化而非进化。随着年龄增长，我们会形成思维定势。这些定势源于大脑模式：我们开始扭曲对现实的认知，基于视野内所有客观数据做出未必真实的假设，开始建立这些快速关联。不幸的是，一切都围绕着效率构建。

It is one of the things that I find the most interesting with human development. If you've heard any of my past episodes, I actually call this the paradox of socio emotional maturity because the reality is that we actually devolve rather than evolve. And as we age, we start to develop these ruts. These ruts are caused by our brain pattern, we start to distort our perception of reality, we start to assume things that may not be factually true based on all the objective data in our field, we start to kind of just make these quicker connections. It's all built around efficiency, unfortunately.

为了追求效率，我们最终会在无意中依赖假设而非实际言辞。因此，我提出了一种称为‘信息处理的逆向层级’的概念。它包含七个不同维度。遗憾的是，对我们所有人而言，真实说出的三维空间语言恰恰位于最末位。人们往往优先依据假设行事。

And in an effort to be efficient, we end up accidentally leaning on assumptions before actual words. So I have created something that I talk about as the inverse hierarchy of information processing. It has seven different facets to it. And unfortunately, for all of us, our actual words, the words that are spoken in the third dimension happen to be in last position. People tend to go off assumptions first.

第二点，我们倾向于依赖过往行为。毕竟，过去的行为往往会塑造假设。这种因果关系在过去如何相互作用？如果类似情况已合理发生过多次，我是否能断定这次也会如此？这一切听起来非常理性且合乎逻辑。

Number two, we tend to go off of past behavior. Past behavior, after all, tends to inform assumptions. How did this cause and effect relationship interact in the past? If it's happened this way a reasonable amount of times, can I conclude that this is likely to happen this time? So it all sounds very rational and very logical.

但不幸的是，由于许多这类规则在我们童年早期环境中就已根深蒂固，它们实际上并不适用于成人世界。我们只是构建假设，并开始将事物视为足够相似以套用相同规则结构。我们还过度依赖肢体语言——正如你们所知，肢体语言与言辞并不总是一致。对于许多积极参与‘突破方法’治疗的客户，我常告诉他们：有时你需要遮住眉毛说‘请听我实际说的话，不要根据我此刻的表情来评判我’。

But unfortunately, we know because many of these rules are hardwired in our early childhood environment, they do not actually hold true in our adult environment. We just formulate assumptions and start to treat things as if they're similar enough to fit into the same rule structure. We also unfortunately lean on body language. Body language and our words, as many of you know, they're not always in alignment. And I think for many clients who are actively engaged in their break method work, it's why I always tell people, sometimes you have to cover up your eyebrows and say, listen to my actual words and please do not judge me based on what my face is doing right now.

有时我们的肢体语言和面部表情是最滞后的，而你们中有些人表情极为丰富。我说话时很爱用手势，但当面对患有PTSD或复杂性创伤后应激障碍的客户时，我必须极力控制身体动作，保持双手静止。肢体语言会触发他人非常个人化的反应，直接将你拖回那些大脑惯性的思维定式中。正如我所说，肢体语言讲述的故事可能与我们试图用言辞表达的截然不同。我们必须刻意确保两者一致，从而传递出统一的信号。

Sometimes our body language and our facial expressions are the last to catch up and some of you have very expressive faces. I really talk with my hands and sometimes if I'm trying to work with a client who has either PTSD or CPTSD, I have to really try to regulate my own body and keep my hands down. Body language is going to set things in motion for somebody else that is going to be very personal and it is going to drop you right back into one of those brain pattern ruts. And as I said, with body language, body language can tell a very different story than what we're trying to tell with our actual words. And we have to be very intentional about making sure those two things are congruent so that we're sending the same signal both ways.

在肢体语言之后，人们会关注语音语调。他们听起来是否烦躁？是否过于直接？是否对我感到失望？当听到这些时，你可能会想：是啊，但这些都很主观。

After body language, people look at voice tone. Do they sound upset? Are they being overly direct? Do they sound frustrated with me? And as you're hearing these things, you're probably thinking, Yeah, well, that's all very subjective.

没错，迄今为止我们讨论的每一个点都极具主观性。它们无一基于客观的三维现实。毕竟，这正是问题所在。接着我们从语音语调转向潜台词。不是关注你说话的方式，而是你没完全说出口的内容？

And right, every single one that we've gone through so far is incredibly subjective. None of them are based in objective three-dimensional reality. That, after all, is part of the problem. We then go from voice tone to subtext. So not how you're saying it, but what are you not quite saying?

揣摩言外之意，试图拼凑全貌，你在隐藏什么？你有不可告人的动机吗？再次强调，这些都是基于假设，有时甚至是投射。我认为你在想什么？我正通过投射来填补我认为你所思所想的空白。

Reading between the lines, trying to put the whole picture together, what are you hiding? Do you have ulterior motives? Again, all assumptions based, sometimes even projection based. What do I think you're thinking? I'm projecting and filling in the gaps of what I think you're thinking.

这几乎是最抽象和主观的层面了。然而许多人却将其奉为真理，并以此构建整个沟通与回应体系。潜台词之后是直觉。直觉并非人人可得，因为它本质上是自我信任的副产品。

That is about as abstract and subjective as it gets. And yet, many people act as if that is the truth. That is their entire architecture of how they communicate and respond. After subtext, we've got intuition. Intuition is not accessible to all people because it is, after all, a byproduct of self trust.

遗憾的是，并非所有人都在童年时期培养出自我信任。而自我信任往往源自早期童年创伤。通常当成长环境足够不稳定，导致你不信任主要照顾者时，默认选择就变成了'我必须相信自己'。于是不再依赖与成年照顾者的共同调节（因为他们看似比我懂得多），本能反应变成'人人为己'——我必须靠自己、信任自己。听到这里，想必有些人正在暗自点头：没错，这说的就是我。

Not all people were built to experience self trust in their childhood, unfortunately. And self trust is a byproduct often of early childhood trauma. Typically, your environment is unstable enough that you do not trust your primary caregivers, the default is I have to trust myself. So instead of relying on co regulation with my adult caregivers because they seem to know more than me, the reflex is it's every man for himself, I have to do for myself and trust myself. So as you can imagine listening to this, some of you are probably resting being like, yep, that's definitely me.

这很可能导致过度独立，难以接受他人帮助。也必定会衍生出信任问题。我并非暗示高度的自我信任不会带来其他问题——在人际关系中它确实会。但当自我信任建立后，人们更容易调用直觉，因为他们不会轻易将自主权让渡他人。若一个人被设定成习惯性仰望权威、结构或权力动态，并放弃自主权时，他们就很容易忽视直觉，或将本能与直觉混为一谈。

That's going to turn into likely hyper independence, maybe struggling to let other people step in and help you. It's certainly going to cross over into trust issues. So I'm certainly not suggesting that high level of self trust doesn't also cause other problems because certainly in relationships, it absolutely does. But when self trust is developed, it's easier for that person to tap into their intuition because they're not so quick to give away their agency to other people. As soon as a person is programmed to default to looking toward hierarchy or structure or power dynamics and giving away their agency, they're very likely to ignore their intuition or conflate their instinct with their intuition.

想深入了解可收听第四期《别相信你的直觉》，我在那里探讨得更深入。直觉之所以重要，我认为它虽仍属高维度线索，但相对具体。正确运用的直觉，比充满投射的假设或肢体语言更能准确指引我们。关键在于：要恰当运用直觉，你必须在情感上足够疗愈以保持洞察力。直觉可能非常复杂曲折，容易让我们误将恐惧当作直觉感应。

If you want to learn more about this, you can go to episode four called Don't Trust Your Gut where I dig into this at much greater depth than I am now. So intuition is important because it is, I think it's actually one of the more concrete, although of course still higher dimensional cues that we have available to us. Intuition, if we're tapped into it correctly, can actually inform us far better than our assumptions or body language, things that are very much a projection. But the key here is for intuition to be acted upon appropriately, you also have to be healed enough emotionally to exercise discernment. Intuition can be very complicated, it can be very convoluted, and it can easily trick us into thinking that fear is actually an intuitive hit.

因此我要特别说明：要让直觉在沟通中发挥价值，你需要先完成一定程度的情绪调节工作，才能解析这些讯息。最后——对我们所有人来说都很遗憾——才是你实际说出的话语。请回想你与爱人或伴侣交锋时，对方复述你'说过'的话（听到这里你我都明白，你其实根本没那么说）。

So I pulled this one off to the side with a bit of a caveat. For intuition to be something that is of high value to you as a person in regard to communication, there's a certain amount of emotional regulation work you have to do first to be able to parse through those messages. And then unfortunately, for all of us, and very last place are your actual words. So with that in mind, I want you to think of a time that you've been in a back and forth maybe with a loved one, maybe with an intimate partner, and they repeat back to what you said. And if you're listening to this, I just put said in air quotes because you know and I know that you didn't actually say that at all.

当对方这样回忆时，你内心OS'我绝对没说过'，究竟发生了什么？其实是这种逆向层级在作祟：他们的假设、过往行为、肢体语言、语音语调、潜台词、直觉（甚至可能被恐惧污染的直觉），全都在影响信息的接收。

So what's happening when this person recalls this back to you? And in your mind, you're like, I certainly didn't say that. What's happening is that this inverse hierarchy is at play. Their assumptions, past behavior, body language, voice tone, subtext, intuition, and even, again, maybe that kind of fear contaminated intuition. Those are all actually influencing how that communication is received.

想象这是个过滤器——就像沾满泥污的滤网。你发送的是明艳的黄光，但当它穿过脏污滤网后，另一头会变成扭曲的怪异棕褐色，与你实际所言毫无关系。这就是多数人沟通的现状。

So think about it like a filter. If you think about it like a mucky, dirty mesh sieve, And what you're sending through is this bright yellow light. Once it actually passes through that muddy sieve, what's going to happen on the other side? It's going to come out this distorted funky brown and it has nothing to do with what you actually said. This is what happens to so many people's communication.

我们没意识到自己正透过创伤、思维模式、不安、未来投射来过滤信息，或仅仅因为未能活在当下。现在我要暂停片刻，尽力为大家读两则梗图。我知道梗图不看画面会损失些趣味，我也会把它们放在节目备注里。第一则想必有人见过...

We don't realize that we're filtering it through our own wounds, through our brain pattern, through our own insecurities, through our own future projection, or maybe just because we're not actually present in the moment. So I'm going to take a pause here and I'm going to do my best to read to you two memes. And I know memes don't technically come across the same way that they would with the same zhuzh if you're not looking at them. But I will also put them on the show notes. So one, I'm sure people have seen this before.

画面上有只熊，像是穿着熊玩偶服的人还套着芭蕾舞鞋，正在舞台上跳跃，旁边文字写着'我'，他们没回复因为正忙着。别妄下结论。然后我的大脑就被画成那只跳向结论的熊。懂吗？在座有些人肯定能联想到——就我个人而言，得追溯到大学或高中时代了，因为从那以后我再没经历过这种行为。

It has a bear, like someone in a bear costume with looks like pointe shoes, and they're leaping across the stage and it says, Me, they didn't respond because they're busy. Don't jump to any conclusions. And then it has my brain as the bear jumping to conclusions. Okay? Some of you, I'm sure, can think about sometimes I know for me, I'd have to go way back to maybe college or high school because I haven't experienced this behavior since then.

比如你等着暗恋对象回消息，对方说一小时后联系，结果三小时过去了，你纠结是该安排其他活动还是继续盯着手机？这时候很容易——取决于童年经历和思维模式——对实际情况妄加揣测。举例来说，如果有人习惯恐惧型思维且有被抛弃创伤，可能会觉得对方遭遇不测。不知道你们是否关注我Ins，前几天我发过个故事：有位女士疯狂追踪丈夫定位，发现定位显示她丈夫在河中央。

But where you're like waiting for the boy or girl to text you back, they say they're going to text you in an hour and it's like on three hours, and you're like, do I make plans and go do something else, or am I going to keep checking my phone obsessively? It's pretty easy at that point, depending on what your childhood experience has been and what your brain pattern is, to jump to some conclusions about what's actually happening. Examples of this could be someone may assume if they've got kind of very fear based thinking and abandonment issues, maybe this person has died. I don't know if you guys follow me on Instagram, but I did post on Instagram stories the other day about this woman who tracks her husband's location obsessively. And looking at the location, it looked like her husband was in the middle of this river.

她彻底崩溃报警，说真的，光是看执法记录仪画面，任谁都觉得这女士精神状况堪忧。她歇斯底里地对警察咆哮咒骂，几乎要和警员肉搏，坚持要他们去河底打捞丈夫。结果呢？她丈夫其实在河边餐厅独自用餐——旁边还坐着别人。

So she completely loses it, goes to the cops, and honestly, just from watching the body cam, like, would think that this woman was not doing well mentally, and honestly, she probably wasn't. But she's freaking out, screaming and swearing at the cops, like about to literally start fist fighting with the cops because she wants them to go find her husband in the bottom of the river. Plot twist, what was he doing? Well, we don't really know. But he was at a restaurant right next to the river eating dinner by himself with somebody else.

具体细节不得而知。但重点是这位女士因为过度依赖定位，坚信丈夫溺亡而大闹警局最终被捕。这是否属于妄下结论？毫无疑问。但有些人不会直接联想到人身安全——

We don't know for sure. But the point is, this woman actually got herself arrested because she got so upset that her husband was, you know, dying at the bottom of the river because she obsessively tracks his location. So did she jump to a conclusion there? Most certainly, yes. But some others may not go to the immediate safety issue.

他们可能陷入被拒绝焦虑：'明显就是不喜欢我，不尊重我，连承诺的回复都懒得发'。而像我这种思维模式的人会直接转移注意力做别的事。

They may go to the rejection issue. Well, obviously, don't like me. They don't respect me. They don't even have the decency to text me back at the time they were going to text me back. Or then you have my brain pattern type that would be like, I'm just going to go do something else and move on.

我属于回避型依恋人格，本来就不太在意是否收到回复，该干嘛干嘛。通过这个情感场景中的短信往来，你就能看出人们会脑补多少剧情。再看这个例子：这是条来回截图的对话，女方发'嘿宝贝...结束了'

I tend to be more that avoidant attachment type that probably wasn't that attached to getting the text response back in the first place and just move on and go on with my life. So you can see just the example of taking yourself back to that maybe more emotional or love interest sort of text exchange, how many gaps you could fill in there and how far you could take it. Here's another beam. So it's a back and forth screenshot of a text conversation. It says, hey, babe dot dot dot, it's over.

男方回复'哇靠，我睡了你弟弟，顺便说'，女方解释'我指的是球赛，什么鬼'，她回'这就尴尬了'。这里男方明明在说球赛——

The response is, wow, F you, I slept with your brother, BT dubs. And then the response is, I meant the football game, WTF. And her response is, well, this is awkward. So example here is, hey babe, it's over. He's talking about the football game where he clearly is.

但如果女方正纠结恋爱关系，怀疑对方变心，她快速扫过文字就脑补全部剧情，甚至自曝出轨嫌疑，这完美展示了如何用实际存在的文字快速扭曲现实，让自己陷入困境。我常把沟通比作橄榄球战术分解教学——

But if this person is ruminating on the status of the relationship, does he really like me? Is he cheating on me? She just quickly scans this word, fills in all of the gaps, jumps all of the conclusions, and then decides to disclose that, in fact, maybe she's worried that he's cheating and there's something going on because she's actually the cheater projection much. So these are all examples of how you can take words like actual physical words and distort reality very quickly and get yourself into a whole heap of trouble. I like to teach communication as having a few separate elements, and I usually teach communication in break method like a football.

每次开口前想想：你的目标是什么？就像传球，你会用同样方式传给80岁老奶奶和17岁橄榄球队少年吗？当然不。传给3岁小孩和老人的方式会一样吗？

So if you want to just think for a moment every time you say anything, there's typically a goal or intent with what you're trying to accomplish. So think about this now like throwing a football. Would you throw a football the same way to an 80 year old grandma as you would to a 17 year old high school boy who plays football? Absolutely not. Would you throw a football the same way to a three year old as you would to Granny?

未必。重点是传球需要分寸感。我们必须根据接球对象调整方式，同时明确想要达成的回传效果。

Maybe. Maybe not. My point here is throwing the football is nuanced. We need to be able to adapt for the audience that's trying to receive this football. But we also need to be really clear with what we want in return.

这正是我们许多沟通尝试失败的原因。我们可能连自己想要什么都不确定。或者已经在预设某些我们认为会发生的未来结果。于是我们实际上扭曲了表达方式，以确保制造出那个负面结果，对吧？就像自我实现的预言。

And that's where many of our communication attempts fall flat. We may be uncertain about what we even want. Or we're already projecting some future outcome that we think is going to happen. So we're actually distorting the delivery to ensure that we create that negative outcome, right? Like a self fulfilling prophecy.

所以从现在起每次沟通时，希望你们想象从嘴里说出的每个词都是一个橄榄球。它有既定目标——我要传给某个人。必须确保以对方能接住的方式投掷，同时也要给出提示让他们明白我希望他们如何处理这个球。

So every time you communicate from now on, want you to imagine that each word out of your mouth is a football. It's got an intended target. I'm trying to throw this to somebody. I need to make sure that I'm throwing it in a way where they can catch it. But I also need to make sure I'm giving them the cues and the understanding of what I want them to do with the ball.

是希望他们转身达阵得分？还是回传给我？有些人说话时思维极其发散绕圈，他们因期望落空而沮丧，但传球方式注定对方无法回传。因此希望大家思考沟通的这五个维度。

Do I want them to turn around and score a touchdown? Do I want them to throw it back to me? And sometimes people are extremely scattered and circular with how they're speaking. So they're upset that their expectations aren't getting met, but they threw the ball in a way that that person could never throw back to them. So I want you to be thinking about these five facets of communication.

第一个维度是目标。你想通过沟通达成什么？希望通过所言创造什么未来结果？我常在节目中提醒：沟通应始终具有建设性意图。如果对方无法获得建设性内容，或许就该暂停并更深入地审视自己的动机——我为什么要说这个？

The first facet of this football is the goal. What are you trying to achieve with your communication? And what is the future outcome that you are hoping to generate with what you're saying? I often in break remind people that communication should always have productive intent. And if there isn't some productive intent on the other side, it's probably something that you should hit the pause button and question your own motives a little bit more about why I'm sharing this.

我们都遇到过紧张型话痨，他们滔滔不绝却言之无物。最终可能其100%的沟通中，90%是毫无重点的填充内容，但混杂着真正希望你回应的10%关键信息。这种情况在我多位员工身上发生过，我母亲也是。

I think we've all met people who may be nervous over talkers and they're talking so much and then they're talking about nothing. And what ends up happening is that maybe out of 100% of their communication, 90% was this scattered filler that wasn't going anywhere. But blended into that was this 10% that they really wanted you to respond to and then all of a sudden, you're not responding. This has happened to me with multiple employees. It happens with my mom.

他们会倾倒大量信息对吧？就像语言呕吐，100%的内容里或许只有10%重要，但全都没以清晰问题形式提出。于是你根本不确定：这需要回应吗？

They'll give you a bunch of information. Right? So kind of word vomit, 100% of communication. Splicing about 100% is maybe like 10% of important things, but none of them were really asked in the form of clear questions. So you're not really sure, does this warrant a response?

他们具体在问我什么？想要我做什么？所以当有人很忙时，如果被100%的信息量轰炸且没有任何明确指令或可执行项，通常你只会觉得：好的，我听到了。

What questions are they specifically asking me? What do they want from me? So sometimes if somebody's really busy, if you just got word vomited on with that 100% and there weren't any clear directives or actionable items, oftentimes you're like, cool. I heard you. I listened to you.

我接收了信息，但没发现任何需要具体回应的内容，于是就此翻篇。这会让某些人非常沮丧，他们感到被忽视、被利用，而事实上这类沟通者需要按下暂停键，过滤部分内容，确保所言具有建设性意图和清晰目标，提出对方可操作的简明问题。下一个维度是假设——我们都知道这是信息处理倒金字塔的顶端。

I consumed it, but I didn't notice anything specific that you wanted me to reply to on, so you move on. This can really upset people because then they feel incredibly unheard, overlooked, taken advantage of when the reality is for somebody like this, you've got to be able to hit the pause button and filter some of what you're communicating and make sure that what you're saying has productive intent, that it has clear goals attached to it that you're asking concise or summarized questions that someone can take access on. Next one is going to be assumptions. We already know that this is at the very top of that inverse hierarchy of information processing. So it's important for us to be aware of our own assumptions with how we are communicating.

你对事件的主观认知是什么？想传达的核心需求是什么？是否在预判未来？有时我们必须暂停，在开口前彻底想清楚这些问题。这应该是小学阶段最重要的课程之一，不过确实有些成年人至今没学会。

What is your subjective perception of this event? What is the need that you're trying to communicate here? And are you future projecting? Sometimes it's very important for us to be able to hit that pause button and think all the way through this on our own before we actually speak. I think this was one of the most important lessons that you learn hopefully in elementary school, though I've certainly met adults that still haven't learned this lesson.

三思而后言。很多人对我说：你表达如此清晰，沟通秘诀是什么？秘诀就是践行我现在教的这些步骤，并非常清楚你要将对话引向何方——最终目标究竟是什么？

Think before you speak. I have heard from many people like, wow, you're so articulate and you're so good at communicating. What's the secret? The secret is running through these steps that I'm teaching you right now and being very clear on where you're trying to take somebody. What is the end goal?

那个人是从哪里操作的，这样我就可以调整或转变我的教学出发点，让我们能共同达成目标？与其把它看作传球，我们有时也可以想象成前往一个具有精确GPS定位的旅程。所以我脑海中浮现的是地理藏宝游戏（如果有人玩过的话）。如果我知道自己要实现某个特定结果，那么这个结果就有对应的具体坐标。因此当我沟通时，我的任务就是弄清你在哪里、我在哪里，以及如何有效沟通才能让我们在相对接近的时间到达这个GPS坐标？

Where is that person operating from so that I can adapt or pivot where I'm teaching from so that we can get there together? Instead of looking at it like passing a football, we also sometimes can think about it like going on a trip that has a very specific GPS location that we're going to. So what came to mind visually was geocaching, if anyone's ever geocached. So if I know that I'm trying to create a specific outcome, I know that there is a specific set of coordinates for that outcome. So when I'm communicating, my job is to figure out where are you and where am I and how can I communicate effectively to get us to this GPS coordinate at a reasonably similar time?

如果我们能这样逆向设计沟通方式，就会意识到很多想说的话、甚至脑海中过滤的想法，其实都是背景噪音，根本不需要分享。作为高效沟通者，有些故事或情感怀旧时刻才能真正传达你的观点。但如果我们急于向他人倾倒言语垃圾，最终会削弱信息的力度。所以你可以立即开始做的主要事情之一，就是在开口前检查自己的假设和未来预期。比如下次你有非常想与伴侣分享的事，你对某件事感到不满并在心里等着他们回家时，那正是你在开口前自我审视的最佳时机。

If we can reverse engineer communication this way, we realize a lot of what we want to say or a lot of what's even filtering through our mind, it's all kind of background noise, and it doesn't actually need to be shared at all. As an effective communicator, there are certain stories or certain emotional nostalgic moments that actually drive your point home. But if we're too quick to just kind of verbal vomit on people, we end up losing the potency of the message. So one of the main things that you can start doing immediately is checking your own assumptions and future projection before you even speak. So let's say the next time you have something that you really want to share with your intimate partner, you're upset about something and in your mind you're waiting for them to come home, that is a great moment for you to check yourself before you ever even open your mouth to speak to them.

第三个足球切面是你的意图或动机。真正驱动你沟通的是什么？这要回归到生产性意图。你是为说而说吗？是因为生气而想让对方知道你生气了吗？

Number three facet of the football is your intent or your motive. What is actually driving you to communicate? This goes back to that productive intent. Are you saying it just to say it? Are you saying it because you're mad and you want the other person to know that you're mad?

这听起来不太有建设性。你只是想报复吗？只是想被倾听但连自己都不清楚要表达什么？所有这些动机都可能将你引向糟糕的方向。你只是试图控制另一个人吗？

That doesn't sound very productive. Are you just trying to retaliate? Are you just trying to be heard but you don't actually even really know what you're saying yet? All of those motives are probably going to lead you down a bad path. Are you simply just trying to control another person?

或者你担心某个结果而试图通过操控来避免？当我们开始审视意图或动机时，所有这些都需要被考量。我们还要思考自己的预期。无论是用GPS坐标导航的类比，还是期待回传的橄榄球，我们都必须明白在沟通的另一端要让他们对什么负责。请记住对很多人来说，这些完全未被言明。

Or are you worried about an outcome and you're trying to prevent it by being manipulative? All of these things have to be looked at when we start to address our intent or motive. We also want to be thinking about our expectations. If we're looking at this either in that analogy of GPS coordinates that we're trying to navigate to or a football that we want thrown back to us, we have to understand what we want to hold them accountable for on the other side of the communication. And keep in mind for many of you, these go completely unspoken.

你没有为期望的回应给出适当的信号或提示。有个简单公式我很喜欢和客户使用，自己也努力践行。假设是场激烈争吵，当人们情绪激动时，持续反复这样做可能有难度。我在职场应用这个方法时，被抄送邮件的人常会说：哇，没想到你没被那些话激怒。

You are not giving the proper signs or cues for what you want in return. There's an easy formula that I love to use with clients that I try to use myself. And let's say it's a really heated argument. And when people are acting very emotionally, this can be it can be challenging to continually do over and over again. And this is something where when I've gone through this in the workplace, people that are copied on messages, they'll be like, wow, I can't believe you didn't take the bait on those things.

这就是因为这个公式。你要始终明确自己想去哪里。GPS坐标是什么？我总是尝试明确表达这点。所以如果你要简明扼要地与人沟通，无论多愤怒，你都可以承认对方情绪。

And it's because of this formula. You always want to make sure that you're clear on where you're trying to go. What is the GPS coordinates? And I always try to actually articulate this. So if you're trying to communicate to somebody in a summarized way, no matter how upset you are, you can acknowledge that people are upset.

我理解你现在很生气。这是我此次沟通想要达成的目标——我会直接说出来：这是我现在试图创造的结果，这样至少大家都知道我的方向。之后对方可以说‘我不想去那里’，这时可能我们的沟通就失去了生产性意图。

I understand that you're upset right now. Here's what I'm trying to accomplish with this communication. I'll actually spell it out loud. Here's the outcome that I'm trying to create right now so that everyone is aware of at least where I'm trying to go so that at that point, you can say, I don't want to go there. At which point, maybe our communication has no productive intent.

也许现在不适合沟通，也许人们需要更多时间消化。如果你从承认对方感受开始——不轻视不贬低，认可他们此刻的情绪，并在沟通前明确定义你想创造的结果，你就更有可能实现目标。这并不意味着对方会立即支持你，也不意味着能快速完成，但如果你清楚说明想达成的结果，成功率会高得多。

Maybe it's not a good time to communicate. Maybe people need to process more. So if you start by acknowledging the other person's feelings without minimizing, without belittling, and recognize that they're upset right now, and you clearly define the outcome you're trying to create before you even communicate, you're much more likely to get there. That doesn't mean the other person is going to immediately jump on board with you. It doesn't mean that you're going be able to get it done quickly, but you're much more likely to get there if you clearly spell out what that outcome is that you're trying to create.

之后你要明确表明沟通动机：‘我来是因为想实现X’。这能确保对方不会替你填补空白，因为你已清楚表明动机。他们可能在沟通中完全误解了你的动机。接着你要说明对这次沟通结果的预期，这样即使我们在本次通话或沟通中未能就最终目标达成一致，至少你可以明确这次通话后的期望。

And after that, you clearly identify the motive with which you come to the communication. I'm here because I'm trying to accomplish x. It helps make sure that the other person is not filling any gaps for you because you've just clearly stated what your motive is. And they might have in that communication decided your motive is something else entirely. You then state your expectation of what you want to be able to leave this communication with So that at that point, let's say that we're not in agreement of getting to that final location on this particular call or communication, at least you can make it clear what the expectation is after this call.

关键在于，其余所有努力都是为了确保你足够自我调节，使你的沟通方式不会变得急躁、易怒或消极攻击性。但这个公式每次都确实有效。这并不意味着它对过度情绪化的人也会奏效。实际上，那种逻辑结构可能会让他们更加激动。但最终，你必须坚守立场，明白他们总有一天要照镜子，看到自己才是那个不断激化矛盾的人，尽管你始终坚持那个框架。

And at that point, all of the rest of it is making sure that you're trying to regulate yourself enough so that your communication style isn't getting snappy or testy or passive aggressive and all these things. But that formula truly works every time. And that doesn't mean that it's going to work with somebody who's overemotional. In fact, that logical structure will probably start to make them escalate more. But eventually, you just have to hold the line and know that they're going to one day have to look in the mirror and see that they are the ones that continually escalate it even though you held firm on that structure.

所以我强烈建议你坚持那个框架，重复那个框架。它在人际关系中有效，在商业中也有效。它能确保你对自己进行了制衡，首先检查自己的动机和假设。因为有时我们确实会陷入某些情况，以为自己很理智，但当你对照那份清单时，你会意识到：你知道吗？我现在太生气了，不适合沟通。

So I would really encourage you hold that structure, repeat that structure. It works in relationships, it works in business. And it makes sure that you've done a check and balance with yourself to check your own motive and assumptions first. Because sometimes we do go into things and we think we're being reasonable, but you kind of go through that checklist and you're like, you know what? I'm too upset right now to communicate.

我希望更多人能这样做，因为当我们情绪激动时，我们并非处于一个能真正看到对方立场并尝试协作的理智状态。所以我有很多次不得不主动退出，告诉自己：我现在无法继续，因为我无法以你应得、我应得或我已知的方式呈现。虽然这可能会惹恼别人，但我也曾多次取消会议，只为确保自己能以冷静、镇定的状态出席会议，尊重对方。如果我在情绪激动的当下，那绝不是有效沟通的时机——我必须先让自己消化情绪，才能对他人产生共情。

And I wish more people would do that because we're not operating in our right mind from a productive place where we can truly see the other person's side and try to be collaborative if we're so upset. So there have been plenty of times that I've had to actually tag myself out and be like, I can't do this right now because I'm not able to present the way you deserve and I deserve or the way I even know how to do. So there have been plenty of times and I know that this can upset people but I've canceled meetings before to make sure that I can show up on the meeting and treat that other person with respect and be calm, cool, and collected. And if I'm upset where I'm like in the moment and in the feelings, that's not a productive time to communicate. I've got to let myself process through it first so that I can actually find empathy for the other person.

如果尚未对他人产生共情，我绝不会让自己陷入激烈争执。无论他们对我做错了什么，无论他们是否伤害了我爱的人、家人或同事——只有当我理解驱动他们行为的机制，并尝试在那个层面与他们相遇时，我才会介入。归根结底，我们无法控制他人，但可以选择自己呈现沟通的方式。

I never get myself into a heated battle with somebody ever if I haven't found empathy for them first. It doesn't matter what they've done wrong to me. It doesn't matter what they've done that maybe has caused harm to people that I love or people in my family or people in my business. I don't engage until I can find empathy for that person and understand the mechanisms that are driving whatever it is that they're doing so that I can try my best to meet them in that place. And at the end of the day, we can't control other people, but we can choose how we show up to a communication.

这正是我希望你们从本期播客中收获的。现在让我们拆解所有细节。先从目标开始：请诚实地思考，如果你直面自己的沟通方式，目标如何可能反噬你？以下是一些实例，说明你的目标本身可能就是问题所在。

And that's precisely what I want you to get out of today's podcast. So let's start breaking down all the itty bitty pieces. Let's start with goals. So I want you to think how can goals turn on you if you're honest with yourself about how you communicate. So here are some examples of where your goal may actually be, in fact, the problem.

你是否在强行推进某个议程？你是否追求某个与合作伙伴对立的特定结果？你是否试图强迫他人做违心之事？你是否设局让人落入陷阱，好印证亲密关系中常见的自我实现预言？或者你单纯只想向对方展示你的不满？

Are you trying to push an agenda? Are you trying to get a specific outcome achieved that's actually antagonistic to the person that you're working with? Are you trying to make them do something that they don't want to do? Are you trying to set somebody up so that they fall in a trap that you've set for them so that you can basically walk out the self fulfilling prophecy that happens all the time in intimate relationships? Are you simply just trying to show the other person that you're upset?

你在报复吗？你想证明他们是错的吗？宏观来看，这些目标都不会引领你走向协作、理解与和平。我成年后最难驾驭的一件事是：我天生更倾向讨好他人、缺乏边界、任人践踏。而有趣的是，随着阅历增长，当我真正坚守边界、明确期望、要求他人追求卓越时——这些本应属于情感成熟的表现——反而会激起他人更强烈的抵触。

Are you retaliating? Are you trying to prove to them that they're wrong? All of these goals, big picture, they're not goals that are going to get you to a place of collaboration, to understanding, and peace. One of the things that I've had the hardest time navigating throughout my adult life is I'm inherently much more skewing toward people pleasing and not having any boundaries and just letting people walk all over me. And what's interesting is the older I get and the more I have this experience, when I do uphold my boundaries and I do have clear expectations and I try to uphold people to excellence and all these things that are actually a part of emotional maturity that I should have, it upsets people more.

但我想告诉正在摆脱讨好型人格的你：坚守边界与期望，并不意味着你要丧失共情能力。我完全可以一面坚持会让对方暴怒的界限，一面理解他们为何如此抵触。许多边界要求对方审视自我、承担责任，甚至直面自身不足或待成长领域。如果目标是诚实且富有成效的，我举个更具体的例子——

But I think here's the thing that I want you to take away from this if you are a recovering people pleaser. Having boundaries and expectations and being really firm on those things doesn't mean that you also need to lack empathy. I can simultaneously hold firm boundaries knowing full well that it's going to really upset the other person and still find empathy and understanding for why they're so upset by this boundary. Many boundaries on the other side are going to require the other person to look in the mirror and take accountability or even maybe face some shortcomings that they have or areas where they have more growth to do. If the goal is to be honest and to be productive and say I'll give a more specific example.

假设在工作或感情关系中，若想继续这段关系，有三件事必须改变。也许你已给过时间，尝试过各种相处方式，但某种模式已然固化。如果这个模式中的三个关键点不改变，就是时候结束关系了。我相信你们许多人在感情或事业中都面临过这个临界点。此时你必须以共情的方式坚守边界，带着关怀与尊重，即使对方可能因边界暴怒到完全听不进你的话。

So let's say in the context of work or relationship. If you're going to continue on a relationship with this person, the following three things really need to change because maybe you've given it time, you've tried to navigate through the relationship in a variety of different ways, and it's become clear that this is a pattern. And if the following three things in this pattern don't change, it's time to separate from the relationship. This is a clear architecture that I'm sure many of you, either in relationship or business, have faced this moment or threshold many times. When you're at this moment, you need to be committed to upholding the boundary and doing it in a way that shows empathy, that shows care and respect for the other person, knowing full well that the boundary itself may piss them off so much that they can't hear you anymore.

他们不会理性接收你的话语。回想那个逆向等级：假设、过往行为、他们内心所有的投射或受害者思维——都会在那刻爆发。遗憾的是，他们甚至可能听不见你的话。这种时刻，我们必须更专注目标本身。即使引发冲突，即使对方戏剧化地报复——如果你的目标是传递信息并设定清晰边界，那么无论结果如何，你已实现了目标。

They're not taking you out your actual words. Go back to that inverse hierarchy. Assumptions, past behavior, all of their internal rumination on projection or victim mindset, all of that stuff is going to come through in that moment. And unfortunately, they may not even hear the words that you're saying. So in these moments, we have to be more focused on the goal itself, knowing that even if it creates conflict, even if it creates somebody who's dramatic and retaliatory, if your goal was to get this message across and set a clear boundary, then you accomplished your goal, whether it went south or north, it doesn't really matter.

因此，这正是我们的目标如此重要的原因之一。如果目标缺乏建设性，我们可能只会陷入无意义的冲突中。但若你的目标是明确表达界限——尤其当你曾是讨好型人格时——即使结果不尽如人意，也值得击掌庆祝，因为你仍在学习成长。这对你而言仍是模式突破。所以目标至关重要，我们必须诚实地面对自己的真实目标。

So it's one of the reasons why our goals matter so much. If our goals are not productive, we can just wind ourselves up in conflict that has no purpose. But if your goal is to clearly articulate a boundary, especially if you were previously a people pleaser, even if it goes south on you, high five, you're still learning and growing. That is still pattern opposition for you. So goals are essential, and we have to be honest with ourselves about what the goal is.

当目标仅仅是为了控制他人或强行推进自己的议程，且过度执着于特定结果时，沟通往往开始崩溃，因为这时我们更容易情绪激动。本期节目由Healing Sauna赞助，这是市场上最先进的便携式红外线桑拿。我持续在家使用它，体验确实超凡。最初选择它是因为我在淋巴引流和减重方面遇到困难，还伴有皮疹问题，我知道需要为日常习惯增添一个能坚持的项目。这个桑拿可以常驻家中。

And when the goal is simply just to control somebody or to push our agenda and we're overly attached to it turning out a certain way, that's where communication often starts to fall apart because that's where we get more emotionally agitated. This episode is brought to you by Healing Sauna, the most advanced portable infrared sauna on the market. I've been using this consistently at home, and it is truly next level. I originally went for it because I've been struggling with lymphatic drainage and struggling with weight loss, rashes, and I knew that I just needed to add something into my daily habit stack that I could keep up with. This is something that I can keep at home.

我可以随时进去待十五分钟，无需专程去桑拿房等待预热。就像这样——直接进去，打开设备，从内到外温暖全身。我每周使用四到六次，即便每次仅二十分钟，也被证实能延长寿命。毫无疑问，这是我用过最棒的桑拿设备。

It's something I can jump in for fifteen minutes instead of going somewhere to go sit in the sauna, wait for the sauna to warm. It's just boom. Jump in there, throw on a pod, and heat myself up from the inside out. I use it about four to six times a week, even for only twenty minutes has been proven to extend your lifespan. By far and away, the best sauna I have ever owned.

如果你认真对待健康、恢复和长寿，请前往Healing Saunas官网，使用我的优惠码BGHEAL。现在让我们看看预设观念。正如前文所述，预设不仅会让你困于过去，还会导致你预判未来结果。当我们这样在过去与未来之间来回摆荡时，想想你缺失了什么？

If you are serious about your health, recovery, and longevity, go head over to Healing Saunas. Use my code BGHEAL. Let's take a look at assumptions. Assumptions, as we mentioned already, tend to keep you stuck in the past, but they also can cause you to project future outcomes. And when we're doing this, when we're pinging back and forth between the past and the future, guess where you are not?

你缺失了当下。若不在当下，几乎不可能真正倾听他人的话语。回顾那个逆向层级理论，这正是你完全颠倒层级的原因——你只存在于过去和未来，甚至没有真正接纳对方。你没有在当下接收并过滤他们的信息输入。因此在我的Break Method中，我不断提醒客户：尽管很难，但必须将每次沟通都当作全新体验来对待。

You are not in the present. And if you're not in the present, it becomes nearly impossible to take people at their actual words. So if you go back to that inverse hierarchy, that is why you're completely inverting the hierarchy because you're only in the past and the future, and you're not even taking that person in. You're not consuming their inputs or filtering their inputs in the present moment. So for this reason, I try to remind my clients all the time in Break Method, as hard as it is, you have to treat every single communication as if it's brand new.

这并不意味着只是简单地原谅和遗忘而不真正付出努力。但如果你正积极投入与某人的关系中，不论你们已相处二十年。如果你继续让过去二十年的种种表现——关于他们真实意图的假设、他们对此会如何行动、或我说这话他们甚至不会听——所有这些都将影响你此刻的沟通方式。因此，你不能让过去干扰当下的交流。你必须将所有这些抛诸脑后。

And this doesn't mean just kind of forgiving and forgetting without actually doing the work. But if you're actively engaged in a relationship with somebody, it doesn't matter if you've been with them for twenty years. If you keep allowing all of the previous twenty years of how they show up in assumptions about what they really mean or how what they're going to do with this or I'm going say this and they're not even going to they're not even going to listen to me, All of those things are going to impact the way you're communicating right now in this moment. So you cannot allow the past into this present moment communication. You have to let all of that drop to the side.

这是我们真正改变关系本身的唯一途径。在'断裂法'中，我用乒乓球比赛作类比。任何与你长期相处的人，你们都会陷入固定的击球模式。比如我总是从右向左击球，

That is the only way that we can actually change the relationship itself. In break method, I give an analogy here of a ping pong game. Anyone that you have experienced a relationship with for any prolonged period of time, you get stuck in a rut of how you volley across the table. Right? I might hit right to left.

这意味着你只能在球台右侧接球。如果我持续击打同一落点，你就失去了99%球台的回应可能，因为我总在重复相同动作。当我们摆脱过去的假设或未来的投射，全然活在当下不被这些预设污染时，我们通常能将球发到伴侣、朋友或同事从未有机会回应过的新位置。关键在于：当我改变击球方式，你就获得了前所未有的回应可能。正确实践时，关系将发生根本性的疗愈与转变。

And if I hit right to left, that means you're only able to hit on your right side of the table. If I'm constantly hitting in the same spot, you have 99% of the table that I'm never even allowing you to respond to me from because I just keep doing the same thing. So when we get ourselves out of that either past assumption or future projection and we're actively in the present moment not allowing ourselves to be at all tainted or distorted by those assumptions, we're typically able to serve the ball to these new places that our partner or our friend or colleague has never had a chance to respond from before. So the key here is if I change the way I hit the ball, you have something new to respond to that I've never given you before. When we do this correctly, relationships heal and transform radically.

这个过程其实不需要太久。但你必须觉察自己是否陷入重复沟通的窠臼。关于动机或意图，你需要自省的是：我的意图是否只是为了控制局面？我是否在试图操纵？是否在掩盖什么？

And it really doesn't take that long. But you have to learn how you are in a rut of repetitive communication. Onto the subject of motive or intent, things that you want to check yourself on are, is my intent here just to control the situation? Am I trying to be manipulative? Am I trying to cover something up?

我是否因意识到错误却不想让你知道而隐瞒？我是否在微观管理？是否因担心你无法落实而逐步提醒、重复，只为让你按我的意愿或方式行事？你是否在寻求安慰？

Am I omitting things because I realize I made a mistake, but I don't want you to know about it? Am I micromanaging? Am I worried that you're not going to follow through on things so I'm little by little trying to remind you or repeat things because I want you to do what I want you to do or I want you to do it my way? Are you checking in on? Are you seeking reassurance?

更多从关系中焦虑型依恋的角度思考这个问题。有些方式会提出诱导性问题，比如‘亲爱的，你还好吗？一切都好吗？一切顺利吗？’这种询问背后的意图或动机是什么？

Think about this more in the context of anxious attachment in relationships. There are ways to ask leading questions or, honey, are you Okay? Is everything Okay? Is everything good? What is the intent or motive of that?

你真正想表达的是：在我心里，我投射出你在生我气、出了问题。你能帮我填补这个空白吗？如果你真要直接说出来，可能会有点尴尬。但这就是真相。问‘你还好吗？’

What you're really saying is, In my mind, I'm projecting that you are mad at me and something is wrong. Could you fill in the gaps for me? If you had to actually express that, you'd probably be a little bit more embarrassed. But that's the truth. Saying, Are you okay?

‘一切都好吗？我们没问题吧？’你可能没意识到，但这可能是最能触发对方产生‘现在事情确实不对劲了，现在我烦了’的反应。这种行为本质上是寻求确认，因为你把自己认为的对方想法投射了出去。

Is everything okay? Are we good? You don't realize in the moment, but that might be one of the biggest triggers for the person that you're communicating with to be like, well, now, now things aren't good. Now I'm annoyed. So that is checking in on or seeking reassurance because you're projecting what you think they are thinking.

这几乎是最高维度的主观扭曲。你内心最深的不安全感和恐惧会在此显形。而不经意间，你可能把对方当作你所有投射都已成真的三维实体。但事实呢？它们从未发生。

That is about as higher dimensional as it gets incredibly subjective distorted. And that's where all of your deepest insecurities and fears can be made manifest. And accidentally, you probably treat that other person as if all of your projections are true and unfolded in the third dimension. But guess what? They didn't.

而且可能永远不会发生。但如果你不必直面真相，用‘你还好吗？我们没问题吧？’这类话搪塞过去，你就没有诚实面对自己的动机。你在试图绕过过程，只是轻轻试探。

And they may never have. But if you aren't forced to actually express the truth and you're able to get past it by saying something like, are you Okay? Are we good? You're not being honest about your motive or your intent. You're trying to circumvent the process and just do a little break tap or a little check.

同时也是隐藏和欺骗。这些意图最终都是无益的。再说，如果你真要说出完整残酷的真相，可能会无地自容。所以关键在于：如果强迫自己承认真相并直白说出来，你会羞愧致死吗？

Also hiding and deceiving. These are intents and motives that are ultimately not productive. And again, if you were to actually state the full blown truth, like the real harsh cold truth, you'd probably be incredibly embarrassed. So the key here is if you have to force yourself to acknowledge what the truth is here and you had to state that in its boldness, in its directness, would you be absolutely mortified? Okay.

如果答案是肯定的，那你真的确定现在要沟通吗？确定是此刻？此地？还是说在开口前需要更多心理建设？真相会让你获得自由。

So if the answer was yes to that, it's like, are you sure you want to be communicating right now? Are you sure this is the time? Are you sure this is the place? Or do you have more work to do processing before you open your mouth? The truth shall shut you free.

这是我经常在节目结尾告诉大家的。我深信不疑：最重要的是加速真相浮现。随着年龄增长，我越来越努力实践这一点——尤其当我注意到围绕在我身边那些人的模式：那些在嫉妒与隐性自恋边缘徘徊的人，他们既想接近你又想暗中击败你。

And this is something that I tell people all the time at the end of break. And I truly believe this. Above all else, expedite the truth. And it is something that I have continually tried to work on more and more, especially as I've gotten older and I see these patterns of people that are attracted to me and kind of swirl around my space. Somebody who is teetering on the edge of jealousy, covert narcissism, they want to be around you, but they also secretly want to beat you.

真相是这种人就像定时炸弹。你可以温柔以待，可以同理包容，可以给无数次机会。但现实是：除非他们真正自我改变，否则他们根本不是你的朋友。

The truth is that person is a ticking time bomb. And you can try to be soft. You can try to be empathetic. You can try to give them lots of chances. But the reality is until a person like that actually does the work, the truth is they are not your friend.

他们不该出现在你的圈子里。他们甚至不是出于正确理由想留在你生活中的人。他们只是在等待扑咬的时机。所以在这种情境下，当我们说要加速真相时，其实多数人只是不想面对冲突、闹剧，或害怕对方报复发作。

They are not somebody who should be in your circle. And they're they're not somebody who even wants a position in your life for the right reasons. They're just waiting for their opportunity to try to pounce and do what they were always going to do. So in circumstances like that, when we think about expediting the truth, a lot of us, the truth is that we don't want conflict. We don't want drama, or we don't want somebody to retaliate or to get upset.

但如果那就是他们的真实面目，他们注定会那样表现，何不干脆撕下创可贴，快刀斩乱麻？随着年岁增长，经历更多后在这方面变得越发世故，我最终得出的结论是：说到底，若某人非我良配，我宁愿真相立刻揭晓。亲密关系亦是如此。若需靠伪装、操控、刻意展现不同面向来换取对方青睐与不离不弃——这是真实的吗？你是在真相基础上构筑关系吗？

But if that's who they really are and that's how they're really going to show up, why not just rip the band aid and get it over with? I think as I've gotten older and as I've been through more and become essentially more jaded in this regard, that's where eventually I get to, which is, I guess, at the end of the day, if somebody's not for me, I'd rather that be exposed right away. And the same goes over into intimate relationships. If you have to kind of manipulate and control and try to project these different parts of yourself to get somebody to like you in an intimate relationship and not leave you, Is that the truth? Are you building a relationship on the foundation of truth?

抑或你只是在分割自我，推销这个版本以博取对方好感？因为终有一天，真实的你会破茧而出。若你参加过Break Method课程，应该见过我最爱的梗图：墙上贴着人像海报，却有个小人从海报眼睛处撕破钻出，配文是'我会找到你'。这迟早会发生的。

Or are you compartmentalizing and pitching this version to get the other person to like you? Because at some point, who you really are is going to pop out. If you've ever been in Break Method, you've seen one of my favorite memes. It's poster on a wall of someone's face, and then there's this little person that's ripped through the poster in their eye, and it's like, I'll find you. That's going to come out sooner or later.

宏观来看，我们许多人需铭记：自童年起，大脑模式就如此设定——我们总在试图避免心碎、伤害、拒绝、抛弃等种种痛苦，对吧？那种不安全感。但若在沟通中不诚实地面对意图与动机，我们往往只是在安抚、操控、竭力阻止这些结果发生，而实际上这些结果或许正是揭露关系真相的必要过程。并非所有人都适合我们，也非每段关系都值得维系。

So I think big picture, a lot of us have to remember that the way our brain pattern sets things up from an early age, we're trying to avoid heartbreak and hurt and rejection and abandonment and all these things, right? Feeling unsafe. But often what we end up doing if we're not honest about our intent or motive in communication is we're actually just placating and manipulating and trying to prevent these outcomes from happening when the reality is they might need to happen to expose the truth of the relationship. Not everybody is for us. Not every relationship is the right relationship.

我们常耗费大量时间试图操控或维持表象，结果只是拖延了所有相关人的时间。这是我的小建议：务必牢记，首要之事是加速真相浮现。若有人与你背道而驰，祈祷这立刻暴露吧，否则只会给他们更多时间将自身编织进你的人际关系网络。

And we often waste so much time trying to kind of manipulate or hold it and make it act as if that we actually just delay everybody involved. So that's my little side note here. Just keep that in mind. Above all else, expedite the truth. If somebody is not for you and they're against you, pray that that gets exposed immediately because the rest of it is just more time for them to weave and weasel their way into the fabric of who you are in the relationships that you've had.

这对谁都没好处。致那些困于讨好型人格与冲突回避的朋友：建议在人生中确立核心准则——真相至上。这会让潜在痛苦更快降临，但若你以建设性态度接纳它，你也会更快触及美好事物。记住：并非所有人都为你而来，也非所有处境都适合你。

And that's not good for anybody. So for those of you out there that struggle with people pleasing and conflict avoidance, I think establishing a keystone in your life of above all else, expedite the truth. It'll make the pain that's potentially going to come your way happen faster. But if you welcome that in a way that is productive and focused, you're actually going to get to the good stuff faster too. So just remember that not everybody is for you and not every situation is a good situation for you.

若能停止操控结果，让证据更快浮现，我们都能更早获得自由。这是我的小贴士。若你有《你的大脑是个肮脏骗子》这本书，书末多个章节剖析了每种行为模式的深层动机。强烈建议阅读，因为我们现在谈论的——大脑模式如何驱使你带着注定失败的意图去沟通，这些意图本质是为操控或欺骗他人——书中皆有对应解析，每种模式都分类详述。

And if we can just stop manipulating outcomes to let that actually happen sooner, have that evidence sooner, we actually all get to be freer faster. So that's my little tidbit there. If you do have the book, Your Brain is a Filthy Liar, this one, there are a variety of chapters at the end that go through the underlying motivations of each pattern. I would really encourage you go into those chapters because everything we're talking about here about how your brain pattern sets you up to kind of go after communication with these faulty intents or motives that are really built to fail and built to either control or manipulate or deceive others, you're going to be able to see all of those in the book. They are broken down by every single pattern type.

大脑模式图谱约22美元，Break Method或我个人网站有售。购买后即可明确自身模式，直接翻阅对应章节探究根源。欲知详情，当然也可访问Break Method。这部分章节直指核心：我是谁？我的意图与动机如何使我困于混乱冲突的循环？强烈建议细读。

The brain pattern mapping is about $22 It's available on Break Method or my website. As soon as you do that, you'll be able to see exactly what your pattern is so you can go right to the book and dive right in and try to figure out what's going on here. If you want more information on that, obviously, you can also always go to Break Method as well. But that's a great little chapter segment to go right into the meat of who am I and how do my intent and motives actually keep me stuck in cycles of chaos and conflict. So I encourage you to read through those chapters.

各大平台均有售。现在快速切入期望话题。我们曾讨论过：期望即'我们希望对方如何接球'。但你在沟通前，是否确认过自己真正明晰这份期望？往往我们并未深思。

It's available on all platforms. So let's dip in quickly to expectations. We've talked a bit about expectations being what do we want them to do with the ball on the other side? And have you considered before you communicate whether you personally are clear on your expectation? Because often, we aren't.

我们常先开口后思考，未曾真正想清楚希望对方如何回应。另一关键是：我的期望对此人是否合理可行？更重要的是——在当下是否合适。人生有四季轮回。

We're speaking before we think. So we haven't really thought our way through about what we actually want to do on the other side. The other thing we want to be clear on are, is my expectation reasonable or practical for this person? And more than that, at this time. People have seasons.

有人正承受高压，或经历离婚。比如当下许多母亲正逢孩子返校季，熬夜做无数份午餐、整理所有人的书包，我们此刻并非最佳状态。你必须理解对方所处的境遇与人生阶段。某些话在他人生命的不同季节可说，但在当下这个季节却不宜出口。

Some people experience high amounts of stress, or they're going through a divorce. Or example, so many moms, their kids are going back to school right now. We're not at our best, Trying to make 8,000,000 lunches at night and get everyone's school bags packed, we're not operating at 100 right now. So you have to understand the situation and the season for that person as well. Something you might be able to say to a person and have them handle it in another season, you can't say in this season of their life.

因此你必须有意地去明确你对他们的期望，并确保这些期望对当前这个特定的人或群体是相关的。时机就是一切。如果我们表现得好像不必经历这些步骤就能成为有效的沟通者，那实际上就是在自断后路。如果我们不考虑我们试图将橄榄球传给谁，以及他们合理能做什么作为回报，我们就永远不会成为有效的沟通者。我们是在把橄榄球传给一个没有手臂的截肢者吗？

So you have to be intentional about getting clarity on what you expect from them and actually making sure that it is relevant to that particular person or group of people at this time. Timing is everything. And if we act as if we shouldn't have to go through these steps to be an effective communicator, we really are just cutting ourselves off at the knees. We're never going to be an effective communicator if we're not considering who we are trying to pass the football to and what's reasonable for them to do in return. Are we passing the football to an amputee that has no arms?

如果我们要求他们把球扔回给我们，那将完全是不公平的。他们没有手臂。所以另一种说法是，我们必须停止对那些完全可以预料的事情感到惊讶。在我的Break Method中，我看到许多客户在模块三的这个阶段，当我们处理那些对他们来说变得糟糕的重复沟通场景时。我会问一个问题。

It would be completely radically unfair for us to ask them to throw back to us. They have no arms. So another way to say this is we have to stop being surprised by the completely predictable. The amount of clients that I see in Break Method when we get to this phase in module three where we're working through repetitive communication scenarios that go south on them. And I'll ask a question.

我会举这个例子。许多年前我有一个客户，他正在描述与这位老板之间非常有毒的权力动态。听起来就像是有史以来最可怕、最糟糕的事情。当然，我问了一个问题，比如，哇，你在这份工作做了多久了？完全预期可能是两个月、三个月？她说了什么？

And I'll give this example. I had a client many years ago who was explaining this very toxic power dynamic with this boss. And it just sounded like the most horrendous, awful thing ever. And of course, I asked the question like, wow, how long have you been working at this job fully expecting it to be like, you know, two months, three months? What did she say?

大概是十五年。我当时就想，你是对的。到了这个时候，你在这份工作上做了完全相同的事情十五年，你仍然有权利这么生气。错。如果我们留在某件事中，完全理解这种关系的规则和期望，并且十五年来它没有改变，那么现在笑话就在你身上了。

It was something like fifteen years. I'm like, you're right. At this point, you still have the right to be this pissed off when you have been in this job doing the same exact thing for fifteen years. False. If we stay in something and we totally fully understand the rules and expectations of this relationship and it has not changed for fifteen years, now the joke's on you.

你没有权利再为此生气了，因为你是同谋。你留在了其中。这是你做出的选择。所以现在你的工作是如何停止上钩或以某种方式回应，这种方式会持续制造这种破坏性循环？回到乒乓球的比喻，我如何把球打到不同的方向？

You don't get to be mad about it anymore because you're complicit in it. You have stayed in it. It's a choice that you've made. So now your job is how do I stop taking the bait or responding to this in a way that continually creates this destructive cycle? Going back to the ping pong analogy, how do I hit the ball in a different direction?

我可能在哪些地方上钩，而我不能再上钩了？因为每次都需要两个人才能跳探戈。每次我看到一段关系变得身体虐待、心理虐待，或是两个朋友、同事或商业伙伴之间的虐待关系，我经常看到。这从来不是一个人的独角戏。有人邀请了它，安抚了它，或允许了它。

Where might I be taking the bait where I can no longer take the bait? Because it always takes two to tango every single time. Every time I've seen a relationship that has turned physically abusive, a psychologically abusive relationship, an abusive relationship between two friends or even coworkers or business partners I see all the time. It is never a one man show ever. Somebody has invited it in or placated it or allowed it.

然后也许在某个时候，他们提出了一个界限，而另一个人不喜欢那个界限。无论如何，这涉及到两个人。所以你必须停止对那些完全可以预料的事情感到惊讶。你必须停止实际上让自己和对方失败，因为如果你现在更清楚，那笑话真的就在你身上了。所以我经常遇到的客户的一个例子是在一段关系中，你通常有关系的其中一方。

And then maybe at one point, they speak up a boundary and the other person doesn't like that boundary. Either way, there are two people involved in this. So you have to stop being surprised at the completely predictable. And you have to stop actually setting yourself up and the other person to fail because if you know better, at this point, really the joke's on you. So an example of this with clients that I bump into frequently is in a relationship, you often have one side of the relationship.

这是造成极性的一部分，也就是在某些时候的毒性或火花。你通常有关系的其中一方更倾向于控制。他们可能更黑白分明。他们可能对你如何说某事或承担某事有非常明确的期望。而非常频繁地，在这种关系的接收端，你有一个可能更随波逐流、当下即兴的人。

And this is part of what creates polarity, AKA, at some points, toxicity or even spark. You typically have one side of the relationship that is more control oriented. They may be more black and white. They may have very clear expectations for how they want you to say something or take ownership of something. And very frequently, on the receiving end of that relationship, you have somebody that may be more go with the flow spontaneous in the moment.

他们实际上并没有像你那样记录细节的水平，因为他们活在当下。他们没有考虑以后如何被武器化或用来对付他们。所以最终发生了什么？更倾向于控制的A方想要让B方对他们所说的话负责，他们觉得B方可能不诚实或不完全披露，而现实是B方实际上可能是在尽其所能地披露，因为他们没有主动记录所有这些细节。所以在这种关系动态中，我会鼓励更倾向于控制的一方做两件事之一。

They're not actually cataloging the level of detail that you are because they're in the present. They're not thinking about how it's going to be weaponized or used against them later on. So what ends up happening? Person A that is more control oriented wants to hold person B accountable for something that they're saying where they feel like they're maybe not being truthful or honest or fully disclosing when the reality is person B may in fact be disclosing to the best of their ability because they weren't actively cataloging all these details along the way. So in this relationship dynamic, I would encourage the person who's more control oriented to do one of two things.

第一，记住这个人绝对不是在恶意对你做这件事。真的，他们的大脑模式可能使他们活在当下和即兴，他们可能幸福地、混乱地没有意识到你注意到的一些事情。所以当他们试图回答你的问题时，他们不是在有意对你撒谎。当他们说，我不知道。我不记得了，他们可能真的不记得了。

Number one, remember that this person isn't absolutely doing this to you with ill intent. Truly, their brain pattern may actually cause them to be present and spontaneous where they're probably blissfully unaware, chaotically unaware of some of the things that you picked up on. So when they're trying to answer your question, they're not lying to you with intent. When they say, I don't know. I don't remember, they truly might not remember.

在这种情况下，你有两个选择。第一，作为更倾向于掌控的一方，你可以等待下一个时机。假设此刻已经过去，你曾试图与对方坦诚沟通，但他们不愿承担责任，这让你感到不快。第一个选择是在那一刻说：我理解你可能没意识到这点，我明白你这样做未必出于恶意。

So in a situation like this, you've got two options. Number one, as the person that's more control oriented, you wait for the next moment after So let's say that this moment has passed. You've tried to have come to Jesus about this, and they're not taking ownership and you're upset about it. Option one is in that moment, you say, okay, I understand that this might not be something that you were aware of. I realize that you might not have been doing this to me with ill intent.

但这确实让我很困扰。下次发生时我能否当场指出来？这样你就有现实案例参考了。因为我意识到你可能当下察觉不到，但我可以。下次我当场指出可以吗？这是个好办法，因为能在相关情境中及时反馈。

It does actually still really bother me. So is it okay if I point this out in the moment next time so that you have some real life examples? Because I realize you might not be aware of it in the moment, but I certainly am. So is it okay if I point that out to you next time? That's a great solution because then you're getting it in the moment when it's relevant.

很多时候，当你事后翻旧账时，如果对方当时是专注的，他们此刻根本不在那个思维状态了。就像他们无法重新连接那种感受。这是第一个选择。第二个选择是你要明白，他们可能并无恶意，而这些问题或许永远无法在这段关系里解决。因为你最爱的可能就是他们的随性、活在当下，那些让你着迷的轻松特质，恰恰也是现在让你抓狂的另一面。

And quite often, when you get somebody outside of the moment and you're bringing something up in retrospect, if that person was present, they're literally not in that mindset anymore. So it's almost like they can't tap into it. So that's option one. Option two is you have to realize that they might not have any ill intent and these might not be battles that are ever going to be winnable with this person. Because one of the qualities you may love about them the most is their spontaneity, is their presence, is all like all of the playful relaxed things about them are also the flip side of the coin of what's pissing you off so much right now.

所以第二个选择是认清这就是他们的本性，我可能在用不合理标准要求对方。我需要决定：要么接受优缺点共存（毕竟我也爱这些特质），要么这段关系不适合我。但如果持续试图控制并为这种错位制造冲突——对必然发生的事感到惊讶——这种状况会持续存在。现在尴尬的反而是你自己。

So option two is to realize that is who they are and I may be trying to hold this person to a standard that's unreasonable, and I might need to decide either I can take the good with the bad because I also love these qualities about this person, or maybe this relationship is not for me. But to consistently try to control and create conflict over this misalignment, that is being surprised at the completely predictable. This situation will persist. It will not go away. So now the joke's on you.

你要改变自己的视角吗？你愿意给对方实时观察事态发展的机会吗？还是你准备承认：我们就是不合适，这不是健康的关系，因为我总想控制你？这三种都是可能的出路。

Are you going to change your perspective? Are you going to give the opportunity to the other person to see how it's unfolding in real time? Or are you willing to say, we are not in alignment. This is not a healthy relationship because I'm always going to want to control you. All three of those are possibilities.

现在快速看看沟通风格。思考沟通方式时，我们必须对自己绝对诚实。对有些人来说这很难：你会翻白眼吗？说话时喜欢用手遮脸吗？

Now let's take a look quickly at style. When we're thinking about communication style, we have to be able to be really honest with ourselves. For some people, this is challenging. Are you an eye roller? Are you a hands in the face talker?

你说话东拉西扯吗？总是绕圈子？回避问题？绕来绕去就是不点题？会把事情无限拖长吗？

Are you scattered? Are you circular? Are you evasive? Do you circle and then not actually land the plane? Do you drag it on forever?

你会不断翻旧账吗？非要争最后一句话吗？看在老天份上，注意你的眉毛！这些细节很重要，因为有时你措辞精准，但如果眉毛显得爱评判，对方就会想'天啊'——

Do you keep bringing up the past? Do you need to have the last word? And for God's sake, watch your eyebrows. You have to mind these because sometimes your words are spot on. But if your eyebrows look judgy, other person's like, oh my god.

他们根本不会听进你说的话。每次与人沟通时，都必须考量这些要素。我知道听起来工作量很大，毕竟我们天天都在交流。但如果你能花一个月时间专注打磨这五个方面，并在此过程中对自己极度诚实，沟通质量就会改变。当我们的沟通行为触发他人导致负面或激烈反应时，必须按下暂停键，既加深自我认知，也采取措施更好地理解对方。这就是为什么我发现——特别是对伴侣或家人——了解彼此的脑波类型堪称秘诀。

They're not going to listen to anything that you're saying. When you engage another person in communication, you have to be able to consider each of these elements every single time. I know that sounds like a lot of work because we communicate so much, but if you can dedicate a month of your life to truly focusing on nailing each of these five facets and being radically honest with yourself while you're doing them, communication will change. When we act out a communication behavior that triggers somebody else and it becomes negative or explosive, we have to be able to hit the pause button and understand ourselves better, but also take some steps to understand the other person better. So as an example, this is why I've found, in particular with couples or families, understanding each other's brain pattern type is the secret sauce.

如果你明白他们的思维模式如何扭曲现实、他们容易做出哪些假设、什么深层动机在驱动其行为，这能直接破解二十年都不懂的'为什么Ta总这样对我'。突然间你会惊呼：天啊，我感觉如释重负，现在完全明白了！它确实能如此迅速地扭转局面，因为这就像破译了行为背后的密码，而不只是对行为本身感到被冒犯。对很多人来说，情况正是如此。

If you understand how their brain pattern is distorting reality and how they are likely to assume and what underlying motivations are driving their behavior, it literally could demystify twenty years of not understanding why somebody keeps doing something to you. And all of sudden, you're like, oh my god, I feel so free. I totally get it now. And it really has the ability to shift things that quickly because it is like understanding the secret code that's driving the behavior behind the scenes rather than just taking offense at the behavior itself. Because for many of you, that's what happens.

我们会被行为或言语触发，然后立刻将其个人化或假定恶意，而不是按下暂停键，尝试从更高层面去理解。如果我们能阻止自己立即被触发，就能转变我们的沟通方式。我们可以更协作，更成功地让双方达成目标或找到共同方向。因此我想鼓励你，这将是一个持续播客主题。

We get triggered by the behavior or the words, and we just immediately take it personally or assume ill intent instead of hitting the pause button and trying to understand it from a higher level. If we can stop ourselves from getting so immediately triggered, we can transform our communication. We can be far more collaborative. We can be much more successful with trying to get both parties to that end result or those GPS locations. So I want to encourage you, this is going to be an ongoing podcast theme.

下期节目我们将深入探讨更具体的沟通技巧。但当你试图改变沟通风格时，我想提醒你三件事。换句话说，如果你意识到自己陷入了某种沟通定式，就像打乒乓球时总用同一种击球方式，当你试图改变击球方式时，我们必须意识到这三点。第一，你必须致力于长期改变。

We're going to be diving into more specific communication techniques in the next episode. But I want to remind you of three things when you are trying to shift your communication style. Right? So another way to say this would be if you're aware that you're in a rut with how you're hitting the ping pong ball, when you try to change how you're hitting the ball, we have to be aware of these three things. So number one, you have to be committed to the long game.

当你改变行为时，对方很可能第一次不会信任或相信。他们会测试你，你必须多次坚持。所以你必须致力于长期改变，而不是'我就改这一次，如果你反应不如我意就算了'。坚持长期改变至关重要，即使对方没有如你所愿地回应，你也要保持一致性。

When you change your behavior, most likely, that person is not going to trust it or believe it the first time. They're going to test you, and you're going to have to do it multiple times. So you have to be committed to the long game rather than I'm gonna change this one time. And if you don't react the way I want you to, then like, screw it, it wasn't worth it. So the commitment to the long game is essential and you have to stay consistent even when the other person isn't responding the way you want them to.

坦白说，由于这种逆向心理机制，即使你真正在第三维度上做出了正确改变，很多人因为不是听你实际言语，而是基于假设和过去行为，会完全误解你的意思。我屡见不鲜。所以你必须更坚持长期改变，哪怕这意味着要经历2次、10次甚至50次令人沮丧的沟通，直到他们最终发现'这人真的在改变行为方式'。我会教你其他沟通技巧来特别突显你的改变，迫使他们聚焦当下。但无论如何，若你期待立竿见影的效果才愿意改变，那注定会失败。

Because I'll be honest with you, because of this inverse hierarchy, even when you change and you actually, in the third dimension, do this thing correctly, a lot of people, because they're not listening to your actual words, they're going strictly on assumptions and past behavior, they respond to you as if you said something different entirely. And I've seen it happen time and time again. So you have to be more committed to the long game, even if that means you have to hold the line for maybe two to 10, even 50 frustrating communications until they eventually see, oh, this person is actually changing the way that they're showing up. And there are other communication techniques that I'll teach you that help draw attention to what you're shifting specifically so that they have to kind of refocus on the present moment. But no matter what, when you're changing these things, if you want some immediate cause and effect to happen and that's the only way you're going to do this, it's a setup to fail.

你必须坚持长期改变。第二，你必须承担彻底的个人责任。所有沟通都是双向的。回想过去两三个月所有失败的沟通，我其实都早有预见。但我回避问题，试图避免直接面对。

You have to be committed to the long game. Number two, you have to take radical personal responsibility. All communication, it's a two way street. If I can think of all the communications that have gone south on me in the last, let's say, two to three months, I saw them all coming so far ahead of time. And I danced around it and tried to avoid having to just deal with the issue in the first place.

本质上，我延长了必然发生的冲突。这正是我们需要避免的。如果人们存在分歧，越早发现越好。所以彻底的个人责任有时意味着：你要承认自己在拖延问题，或是害怕事情变糟而讨好妥协，这只能推迟而无法避免问题。

So in essence, I prolonged the inevitable. And that's exactly what I'm telling you we really need to try to avoid. If people are misaligned, it's better to know that sooner than later. So the radical personal responsibility you sometimes have to take is that you're actually prolonging the issue or you're afraid of something going south on you. So you're people pleasing or placating, which delays, but it doesn't prevent.

我们必须彻底承担责任。彻底负责有时也意味着检视动机：我们是想惩罚对方吗？是在报复吗？因为这些从长远看都无济于事。

So we have to take radical ownership. And radical ownership can also sometimes be checking our intent of our motives. Are we trying to punish the other person? Are we being retaliatory? Because those things are not productive in the long run.

我们必须确保着眼于建设性意图。当我们彻底负责时，如果发现自己动机不纯或情绪失控到不该开口，就必须暂停。有时彻底的个人责任就是'我现在不该沟通，必须沉默，必须退后'。

So we've got to make sure that we have our eyes fixed on that productive intent. If when we take radical ownership, we can see that we aren't doing this from a productive place or we're not emotionally regulated enough to even be speaking, we have to hit the pause button. Sometimes radical personal responsibility is I should not communicate right now. I have to be quiet. I have to pull back.

仅这一课就能改变你的人生。第三，我们必须放下当下'是否公平'的感受。改变你的乒乓球打法时，几乎总会觉得对方不配得到这种改变。而这恰恰证明你走对了路。当你想'我不想这么做，这人不配，我不想展现宽容，不想让同理心主导'时，你正好命中了靶心。如果总被'感觉正确'驱使，你会困在原地很久很久。

And that's a lesson alone that could change your life. Number three, we have to let go of what feels fair in the moment. You changing the way you're hitting the ping pong ball almost always will feel like the other person doesn't deserve it. And that is when you know you are right on the money. When you're like, I don't want to do it.

这个人不值得。我不想对他们展现善意。我不愿让同理心在此刻主导。这正是你命中靶心的确切信号。所以如果总是被'感觉正确'驱使，你将长期困在原地无法前进。

This person doesn't deserve it. I don't want to show them grace. I don't want to let my empathy lead here. That is exactly when you know you're over at the target zone. So if you keep being led with what feels right, you're going to stay stuck for a very, very long time.

当然，唯一的出路就是穿越困境。我们常常需要经历一些冲突才能抵达合作彼岸。合作并不意味着完全没有冲突或分歧，而是意味着你更专注于与对方共同抵达终点线，即使这意味着途中必须经历一些冲突。那些试图逃避冲突的人，长远来看往往只会制造更大的冲突。

And of course, the only way out is through. We often have to experience some of that conflict to get to the other side and collaboration. Collaboration doesn't mean that it's free of conflict or misalignment. It means that you're more focused on getting to the finish line with the other person, even if that means that there needs to be some conflict along the way. Often people who try to avoid conflict, they only create a bigger conflict in the long run.

相信我，我个人生活中深知这一点。逃避只是在延迟不可避免的事情。所以尽早进行那些艰难的对话吧。保持诚实。再说一次我给你的小建议：如果你对自己的意图或动机足够诚实，并且能在脑海中听到——如果强迫自己大声说出来，你会感到羞愧吗？

And believe me, I know this is true in my life personally. It's just delaying the inevitable. So have those hard conversations sooner. Be honest. And again, that little tidbit that I gave you, if you're honest with your intent or motive and you actually can hear it in your mind, if you had to force yourself to say that out loud, would you be mortified?

因为如果会羞愧，那你或许应该闭嘴，在独自解决这个问题前不要沟通。现在我们来谈谈做出这些改变时需要注意的事项，因为这几乎可能发生在每个人身上。有些人一旦感知到权威存在，就会条件反射般地变得焦躁易怒。这往往完全基于对现实的扭曲认知，你必须确保自己核查这一点。同时还要警惕制造灰色地带和前后矛盾。

Because if you would, you should probably shut your mouth and not communicate at all until you've worked through that on your own. So let's talk about some things to watch out for when you're making some of these changes because this is something that can happen to virtually every single person. Some of you, as soon as there's this perception of authority, you reflexively just start to get agitated and snappy. That oftentimes is based entirely perception of reality, and you have to make sure you're checking that. You also want to make sure that you're watching out for creating gray area and inconsistency.

只有当我们清晰、简洁、有条理且给出可操作步骤时，才能期待他人做出回应。如果我们制造了灰色地带，换回的也只会是模棱两可。另一点需要考虑的是，有些人过度执着于公平正义。但不幸的是，我们生活的世界既不公平也不公正。

We can only expect somebody to respond to something if we've been clear, concise, summarized, actionable. We've laid out those steps. And if we've created gray area, we're going to get gray area in return. Another thing to be considering is some people get really focused on fairness and justice. And unfortunately, the world that we live in is not fair or just.

因此这种执着本身往往就是冲突的温床。如果你要求每件事都绝对公平对等，那你很可能就是个容易引发冲突的人——既制造冲突，又会因感到受害而陷入更多冲突。你必须看清自己在这种情境中扮演的角色。如果'感受公平'是你的首要目标，那这很可能已经成为将你引向失败的自我应验预言。所以我建议你暂停这种思维，试着建立符合现实世界的合理生产性意图。

So that in and of itself is often a setup. And if you're wanting every single thing to feel fair and even and matched, you're probably somebody who's prone to conflict, both creating conflict and experiencing conflict in return by feeling victimized. You have to see the role that you're playing in the setup of that. And if your number one goal is for things to feel just or fair, it's probably already a self fulfilling prophecy that's going to go south on you. So would encourage you to hit the pause button and try to establish productive intent that's reasonable in the world in which we live.

还要记住，世界上存在极度敏感易怒的人——他们会对你完全合理实际的言论做出激烈反应，就像你扬言要杀掉他们的小狗。有时你能找到方法与这类人周旋，但有时他们真正需要的是情绪疗愈工作，这超出了你的帮助范围。世界上就是存在这种立即把事情个人化的极端反应者。

Also, keep in mind that there are extremely reactive sensitive people that are out in the world that will react to something that you said that's perfectly reasonable and practical as if you just told them that you were going to kill their puppy. And sometimes you can find a way to navigate to the other side with that person. And sometimes they really just need to do emotional healing work, there's something you can do to help them. So there are some people in this world that are extremely reactive. They take things personally right away.

他们纯粹基于假设和过往行为做出反应，根本没有真正听进你的话。到某个阶段，你可以尝试协作引导他们，但也必须知道何时设立边界，将这类人请出你的生活圈。另一个需要考虑的是工作参数对我们沟通的限制。在我的职业生涯中，我与许多CEO、高管和护士共事过。我们必须考量你试图沟通的环境。

They're reacting purely off of assumptions and past behavior, they're not even really hearing your words. So at a certain point, you can try to collaborate and try to get them to that finish line, but you also have to know when to put up boundaries and remove some of those people from your life. Another thing that I want to have people consider is when some of our communication is restricted by job parameters. I've worked in my career with many CEOs, high level managers, and nurses. We have to be considering the environment in which you're trying to communicate.

比如对护士而言，你可能经常在明知某事正确公正时却受制于职场规则。如果直言不讳会被视为违抗，我们就必须权衡——否则你可能永远陷在'职场正义'的循环里，持续感到无力愤怒。要知道，你选择的整个职业层级体系本就是为确立结构而存在的。所以你只有两个选择：要么放手，认清职场层级决定了我无法表达这些意见并被倾听；要么换份该死的工作。也许我选的工作本就是专门设计来让我永久愤怒的——顺便说，人们确实总因思维模式而做出这种选择。

Because for example, with the nurse, often you may be restricted in something you know is right or just or fair. But if it's insubordinate to say so, we have to consider that because you might always be in this kind of social justice cycle where you're just constantly feeling powerless and mad when we have to stop being surprised at the completely inevitable. The entire hierarchy of the job that you chose is built to inform the structure. So you have two options, either let it go and realize the entire hierarchy of my job makes it so that I cannot express these things and be heard or to find a new damn job. Maybe I picked a job that literally was built just to make me perpetually mad, which, by the way, people do because of their brain patterns all the time.

我们还需要考虑：即使个人意愿或处事方式也可能与企业文化相抵触。我为全美众多企业提供咨询，首要工作之一就是明确企业文化及其高层喜好的运营方式。如果你雇佣的员工会立即被你的企业文化触发敌对情绪，那就为组织埋下了多年潜在的法律问题和冲突隐患。这些因素都必须纳入考量。

And we also want to be considering even just how our own personal desires or way of doing things may be antagonistic to a company culture. I work with corporations all over The United States. And one of the first things we do is get clear on what the company culture is and how the people at the top like to run the company. Because if you're hiring a bunch of people who immediately are going to be triggered or antagonized by your very company culture, you're setting up years worth of potential legal problems and conflict throughout the organization. So we have to be considering those things.

最后我想留给各位几个温馨提醒：第一，正如本期已强调的，你无法控制他人反应，只能掌控自己带来的对话内容。只要你专注于此，努力跳出固有沟通模式并保持一致性，就能在结束交流时无愧于心——因为你已全力以赴，检视了所有'沟通五维度'。如果对方仍未如你所愿地回应，那你只是加速了真相的浮现。

So I want to leave you with a few loving reminders. Number one, which I've said already in this episode, you can't control someone else's reaction. You can only control what you're bringing to the conversation. And if you put your focus there and you try to get yourself out of your own communication routes, as long as you stay there and you stay consistent, you can leave that communication knowing that you gave it your all and that you checked all of those five facets of the football. And if they still don't react the way you wanted them to, now you've just expedited the truth.

第二点，试图避免对抗反而可能导致暗中被动或操纵行为。如果你只是为了避免激怒某人，要么会让问题长期悬而不决，要么最终会表现得让他人失去对你的信任。所以你必须认真检视这一点。第三点，没有明确期望。我觉得这是新时代思潮和非二元论长期设下的陷阱。

Number two, trying to avoid confrontation and that can then lead to sneaky passive or manipulative things. If you're just trying not to set somebody off, you're either going to be prolonging a problem that's never going to go away, or you can actually start to come off in a way that makes other people not trust you. So you've to really check yourself on that. Number three, not having expectations. This is something that I feel like is just such a trap that's been perpetuated by the New Age and this whole non duality thing.

尤其在沟通中，无论你是否意识到或主动承认，期望都客观存在。与其假装毫无期待，不如明确自己的实际期望，并确保它对沟通对象是切实相关的。长远来看，模糊期望反而会引发更多冲突。记住，大多数人只是渴望被理解。归根结底，你总能从真诚出发，向对方说些善意共情的话。

Especially in communication, you're going to have expectations whether you are aware of them or not or whether you consciously claim them or not. So it's far better to actually get clarity on what your expectation is and make sure it's practical and relevant to the audience in which you're trying to communicate rather than just be like, I even have any expectations. That actually leads to more conflict in the long run. And remember that most people just want to feel acknowledged. At the end of the day, there's always something kind and empathetic you can say to the other person that comes from a place of truth.

我曾身处激烈争执，但始终能向对方表明：无论当下冲突如何，我对他们的同理心与关爱始终存在。这是人人都该培养的能力，因为并非所有事都糟糕透顶。有些人遭遇困境时，就像被黑色斗篷笼罩，既看不见光明也找不到出路——这正是冲突激化的根源。要学会区分并表达：'这件事让我难过，但我依然珍视你这个人，认可你曾为我生命带来的美好'。

I've been in heated battles where I can consistently remind the person the empathy and love that I have for them separate of whatever the conflict is that's unfolding. And that is a skill that everyone should be able to work on because not everything is bad. And there are some people that when they're experiencing the bad, it's like this black cloak goes over all the bad or all the good, and then you can't even actually see your way to the other side. That's what creates so much conflict. Being able to separate those things out and say, like, on this hand, I'm upset about these things, but I also love you as a person, I recognize these other great things that you've done in my life.

保持这种区分能力，才能在不妖魔化对方的前提下实现有效沟通合作。这个话题我们将在下期节目探讨隐性自恋与嫉妒时深入分析，现在暂且按下不表。最后要提的是：社交媒体简直是沟通灾难的温床，它总会激发出人性最糟糕的一面。

Being able to create that separation allows you to communicate and collaborate with somebody without demonizing or weaponizing that person against you. This is something that we're going to be digging into on our next episode on covert narcissism and jealousy. So we'll put a pin in that one. The last one is social media is just a communication nightmare in general. Social media brings up people's worst.

如今你甚至分不清是在和人还是和AI对话——前几天我就看到某条帖子下的评论明显是ChatGPT写的。奉劝各位：如果连评论都要用AI润色，天啊，做真实的自己不好吗？

And nowadays, are you even talking to a person? Are you talking to ChadGPT? I literally just saw a stream of comments on someone's post the other day that were clearly written by chat GPT. And I just want to say to you, if you are running your comments through chat GPT, what on earth? Just be you.

保持真实。听着，评论区本该是允许拼写错误、容忍 autocorrect 闹笑话的最后净土，是即时真诚表达的保留地。看在老天份上，别再用AI加工你的评论了！最后我想强调：真相也可能成为武器。

Be authentic. Listen, comments are the place where you can accidentally misspell words or auto correct gets you in trouble. Like, there should be one last stronghold for being honest and authentic in the moment, and that should be comments. Do not put your comments through chat GPT for the love of the Lord. So I just want to leave you with one last thing, which is the truth can be weaponized.

无论是时机还是意图，真相都可能被武器化。当你审视这五个沟通维度时，必须诚实地面对自己——有时所谓的'真相'实则暗藏伤害对方的意图，是报复性的，只是为了展示你有多受伤。

And the truth can be weaponized both on timing or intent. And this is something that you have to be able to be honest with yourself when you're going through this exercise of looking at these five facets of communication. Sometimes what is true is actually intended to harm the other person. It's intended to be retaliatory. It's intended to show them how you're hurting.

这有建设性吗？没有。如果你分享某事不是为了让对方采取行动，不是为开启良性对话或促成改变，那么所谓的真相就只是投向对方的炸弹。我们必须诚实地承认这点——这正是彻底自我负责的重要层面。如果沟通是你的成长课题（说实话，我认为对多数人在商业、情感和育儿领域都是），我知道'突破法'能彻底改变你的生活。

Is that productive? No. If you're not sharing something with them so that they can take action on it and either engage in a back and forth with you or see if that's something that they're willing to change, at that point, truth is just another bomb that you're dropping on somebody, and we need to be better about acknowledging that honestly for ourselves. That's one of those levels of radical personal responsibility. So if communication is an area of growth for you, which, to be honest, I think for most human beings, is a major growth area, either in business, relationships, and parenting, I know break method can absolutely radically change your life.

若不知从何开始，请查看节目备注。我总推荐从'大脑模式图谱'入手，预算有限的话可以先读相关书籍章节。该体系划分的九大特征标记，能帮你精准定位自己在沟通领域的混乱类型，更重要的是揭示潜藏在这些冲突背后的真实动机。

And if you're not sure where to go, please go to the show notes. I would always recommend starting with brain pattern mapping. If you want to go the cheapy way, grab that book, dig into those chapters. In brain pattern mapping, it breaks down nine distinct markers, will help you understand exactly what your flavor of chaos is in the realm of communication. More than that, it'll help you address the underlying motives and intent that actually might be driving a lot of this chaos and conflict for you.

我鼓励大家付诸实践。这个话题我将持续探讨——下期是关于隐性自恋与嫉妒的内容。理解这些沟通机制及其如何引发冲突至关重要，因为这是我们分析隐性自恋时必须涉及的核心议题。希望你们喜欢本期节目。

So I encourage you to go take those steps. This is a series I'm going be building on. Our next episode is about covert narcissism and jealousy. Often, have to understand these communication mechanisms and how communication style and breakdowns can lead to conflict because that is a major topic that we're going to need to address on covert narcissism. So I hope you enjoyed today's episode.

请将这条信息分享给需要听到它的人。记住，要玩长线游戏。你必须保持承诺。即使对方一直表现得好像你未曾改变，你还可以尝试其他技巧，让他们看到你现在带来的价值。因为当你改变这场乒乓球游戏时，他们最终别无选择，只能随之改变。

Please share it with somebody who needs to hear this message. And remember, play the long game. You have to stay committed. And even if the other person keeps acting as if you haven't changed, there are other techniques you can try to employ to get them to see what you're now bringing to the table. Because when you change the ping pong game, they have no choice but to change eventually.

下次见，各位。你的大脑没有坏，它只是在运行旧代码。BreakMethod是一个系统，它能映射你的神经模式，解码你的情感扭曲，并快速重塑你的行为。无需陷入无休止的谈话治疗，不必困在自己的情绪里，只需基于逻辑的重塑，二十周或更短时间即可见效。

I'll see you guys next time. Your brain isn't broken. It's running an old code. BreakMethod is a system that maps your neurological patterns, decodes your emotional distortions, and rewires your behavior fast. No talk therapy spiral, no getting stuck in your feelings, just logic based rewiring in twenty weeks or less.

访问breakmethod.com，看看你的大脑究竟在做什么。你的大脑天生擅长欺骗。但真相是这样的：模式可以被打破，代码可以被重写。

Head to breakmethod.com and see what your brain is really up to. Your brain is wired for deception. But here's the truth. Patterns can be broken. The code can be rewritten.

一旦你听到真相，就无法回头。你准备好倾听了吗？

Once you hear the truth, you can't go back. Are you ready to listen?