在关系中保持独立

嗨。

Hi.

欢迎回到《Eat Your Crust》播客。

Welcome back to Eat Your Crust podcast.

我是Crystal。

I'm Crystal.

我是Jisoo。

And I'm Jisoo.

今天我们要聊一个关于感情的话题，我觉得这个概念挺重要的，而且最近几个月我越来越觉得它重要了。

So today we have a relationship topic to cover and I actually think this concept is quite important and I'm feeling its importance grow a little bit more even in recent months.

今天我们要讨论的是在感情中保持独立。

Today we're going to discuss maintaining independence in a relationship.

先给听众们简单介绍一下背景。

Quick context for our listeners.

如果有新听众的话，我和Crystal都处在长期稳定的感情关系中。

If anyone is new to this podcast, Crystal and I are both in long term relationships.

我觉得更准确地说，我现在已经结婚了。

I guess it's more accurate to say that I'm in a marriage now.

所以我们在这段关系里，也很投入，我觉得在保持独立性方面有很多经验可以分享。

So we are in it and committed and I think have a lot of learnings to share in terms of maintaining independence.

对。

Mhmm.

而且我觉得保持独立性对我来说很重要，因为我非常看重独处的时间，而且我明显更内向，所以这可能是自然而然的事情。

And I think maintaining independence is a big thing for me because I value alone time a lot and I'm definitely more of an introvert, so I think it comes naturally with the territory.

有时候很容易在感情里迷失自己，尤其是在刚开始的时候。

And sometimes it's easy to get, like, really consumed in a relationship, especially in the beginning.

然后随着事情发展，关系变得稳定，生活形成规律，你会开始意识到，我也需要确保自己有属于自己的时间。

And then I feel like as things develop and normalize and routines form, you start to realize, I need to make sure that I have time for myself too.

说实话，我觉得这个概念是我必须主动去学习的。

Honestly, I think this concept is something that I had to actively learn.

我觉得我算是那种比较以关系为导向的人。

I think I would consider myself a pretty relationship oriented person.

我也是个外向的人。

I'm also an extrovert.

所以对我来说，和别人待在一起是常态。

So to me spending time with someone is like the default.

我不喜欢一周里有很多时间都是自己一个人待着，没人陪。

I don't love to have a ton of solo blocks in my week where I'm not hanging out with someone.

谈恋爱的时候，很容易让你最爱的那个人填满那些时间。

When you're in a relationship, it's very easy to have the most comfortable person that you love fill that spot.

所以我觉得以前的我，甚至现在的我，都很习惯和一个人共度一生。

So I think past me and maybe even current me is very much used to like spending your entire life with someone.

每一分每一秒都在一起。

Like every single moment of it.

你知道，和别的女性朋友聊天，当然也包括你，然后发现别人其实更想平衡独处时间和恋爱时间，这让我挺惊讶的。

You know, talking with other girlfriends, of course you, and just learning that for other people, like they want to have a, I guess, stronger balance between alone time and relationship time was kind of shocking to me.

所以我觉得大学的时候，是我在这方面试探自己的时候。

So I feel like in college, that was when I was kind of testing myself in this area.

可能是在尝试中失败，但还是在尝试。

Maybe testing and failing, but still testing.

嘿，那挺好的。

Hey, that's good.

至少你还在尝试。

At least you're still testing.

对我来说，这最核心的一点就是你要保持自我。

Maybe to me, the biggest core part of this is that you maintain a sense of self.

你不能完全变成你的感情关系，你还是你自己。

You don't just become your relationship, you're still your own person.

有时候人们会有点忘记这一点。

Sometimes people forget that a little bit.

确实。

That's true.

很容易就滑入那种更舒服、更日常的状态。

It is very easy to slip into, like, what is more comfortable and what is your day to day.

而且我觉得特别是当你们住在一起的时候，这个界限就开始变得模糊了。

And I feel like especially when you live with someone, that boundary starts to get pretty blurred as well.

对，我觉得因为我现在和男朋友分开住，有时候设定界限会更容易一些。

Yeah, I feel like since I currently live separately from my boyfriend, it's easier sometimes to set boundaries.

我们有一个大概的时间安排，比如这些天通常是留给我们的时间，其他工作日更多是用来处理各自的事情。

We have like a pseudo schedule kind of where it's like these days are usually reserved for us time and these other weekdays are more reserved for getting ourselves together during the week.

哦，这样啊。

Oh, okay.

我有个问题，可能和这个话题不太相关，但就是我自己好奇。

I have a question, maybe not completely related to this topic, but just my own curiosity.

比如说你每周抽出三天时间和伴侣见面，对吧，当你们不住在一起的时候。

Say you carve out like three days a week to hang out with your partner, right, when you don't live with him.

对。

Yeah.

但当然，随着事情出现，有社交应酬、生日派对、集体聚餐，这些场合你和你的另一半都得参加。

But of course, as things come up, there's social obligations, birthday parties, group dinners, and things where you and your SO both have to be there.

嗯。

Mhmm.

那可能会占掉那一周的一两天。

And that might potentially take up one or two of the days of that week.

对吧？

Right?

嗯。

Mhmm.

你会想补回来吗？

Would you want to fill that up?

你知道，就是有那种补上的想法，比如，既然这周有三天都花在社交上了，那我们就一起好好待一天吧。

You know, have backlog of like, oh, since we had three full days of social obligations this week, let's have one broad day together.

或者你会觉得，算了，这周的额度已经用完了。

Or would you be like, well, that's, you know, our quota's off.

下周再见吧。

See you next week.

好的。

Okay.

等等。

Wait.

这其实是个非常好的问题。

This is actually a really good question.

当事情每天都在发生，而且只是额外加了一些社交活动，我们的时间自然就会延长。

When things are happening in a day to day sense and it's just, you know, extra social obligations are tacked on, then our time just naturally extends.

但确实会到一个临界点，就像说，好了，你得走了。

But it does kind of hit a certain point where it's like, Okay, you need to leave.

其实最近我们为了一个朋友的婚礼去了一趟大旅行，我们整个朋友圈都去了，我和我男朋友最后总共旅行了差不多三周。

Actually recently we had a big trip for a friend's wedding, y'know, our whole friend group did, and me and my boyfriend ended up traveling for almost like three weeks total.

所以当我们终于回来的时候，我们第一晚一起度过，然后第二天之后我就说，好了，下周见。

And so when we finally got back, we spent the first night together, and then after the next day I was like, okay, I'll see you next week.

门在那边。

The door's over there.

说实话，我觉得这挺有道理的。

I mean, honestly, that makes sense.

我觉得最贴切的形容就是，你跟一个人待久了，憋着个屁，玩得挺开心，但心里就想：这人得走了，我才能把这屁放出来。

I feel like the closest way to describe it that I can feel is, you know when you hang out with someone for a long time and you, like, hold in a fart and you're like having fun but you're like I need this person to leave so that I could release this fart.

我觉得看是谁吧，能忍的程度不一样，有的人你能忍得住，有的人就忍不住。

I think depending on who it is there's varying levels where you can like stand them or like stand to like hold in that fart.

跟你男朋友在一起，当然能忍的时间就长多了。

And with your boyfriend, of course, the amount of time that you can hold it is much longer.

对吧？

Right?

就是，特别特别久。

Like, super super long.

但你还是得偶尔找个地方放出来。

But you still have to, like, occasionally just release that somewhere.

所以这大概也算是个比喻吧。

So maybe that's, like, somewhat of a metaphor.

对。

Yeah.

而且我觉得因为我们不住在一起，我们的个人空间是分开的。

And I think because we don't live together, our personal space is in separate areas.

这可能是最大的问题。

And that's probably the biggest thing.

如果我们住在一个可以共同生活的地方，那就更容易说，好吧，我们安静一天，各自去自己的空间，然后

If we lived in a some sort of place where it was cohabitating, then it would be easier to be like, alright, let's, you know, take a quiet day, just go to our own spaces and

对。

Right.

恢复一下，而不是像现在这样，好吧，你可以在我的空间恢复，或者我可以在你的空间恢复，但最终可能还是各自在自己的空间里更舒服。

And recover, versus now where it's like, okay, guess you could recover in my space or I could recover in your space, but it might just be ultimately more comfortable if we're in our own spaces.

嗯。

Mhmm.

是的。

Yeah.

确实是这样。

That's true.

我觉得你说得对。

I feel like you're right.

环境确实对它有挺大的影响。

Environment definitely does have a big impact on it.

当你们一起布置共享空间，比如合租的公寓或者房子时，你们可以分别划出各自的区域。

And when you're curating, like, a shared space together, your shared apartment or, you know, your shared house, then you can carve out those spaces separately.

但当你去别人家的时候，就不可避免地有点像客人和房东的关系。

But when you're over at someone else's place, it's like inevitably kind of a guest and innkeeper type of relationship.

对。

Yeah.

没错。

Exactly.

但我

But I

除了个人空间这个概念，我很喜欢你提到的保持自我意识这一点。

guess beyond this concept of personal space, I like that you mentioned maintaining a sense of self.

我觉得这对内向的人来说是很自然的事情。

I kind of feel like this is something that comes very naturally to introverts.

这只是我个人的看法。

This is just my personal theory.

而作为一个外向的人，我的自我意识有时来自于我和周围人的关系。

And as an extrovert myself, my sense of self is sometimes derived from the relationships that I have with people around me.

所以，并不是独处的时间让我更觉得自己像自己。

So it's not necessarily like personal time that makes me feel more like myself.

而是确认我和最亲近的朋友、家人的关系，在他们眼中看到自己。

It's like affirming my relationships with my closest friends and family and seeing myself in their eyes.

就像，那才是我真正的自我，你懂吗？

Like, that's my true sense of self, you know?

那么，你的这种自我意识是什么样的呢？

So how does this sense of self look like for you?

你觉得哪些因素能让你真正感到自在，做回自己呢？

Like, what do you think are factors that make you really feel like at home and like yourself?

哦。

Oh.

好的。

Okay.

我觉得，有一部分是做自己想做的事情。

I guess, like, one part of it is doing things that I want to do.

不是那种社交义务，或者虽然我想做，但因为是别人让我做的，或者别人在组织什么活动。

Not something that's a social obligation or something that, like, maybe I do want to do, but it was like because someone else told me or like someone else is hosting something.

我觉得这很重要。

I think that's a big part.

所以，你知道，就是一些独自的爱好。而且我觉得，在一段关系里，很多时候需要妥协，或者你们要像团队一样合作。

So I guess, you know, solo hobbies to put it into a And I guess, like, in a relationship, most of the time there's some sort of compromise or you're, like, working as a team.

你们就像是一个整体。

You're like a unit together.

但在我看来，能保持自己的独立人格，做独立的个体很重要，因为这样当你们组成团队时，才能把各自的优点带进来。

But then to be able to have, like, your own sense of self and, like, be your own unit is important in my perspective because then when you come together as a team, you can bring your other qualities in.

你们带着各自的不同点一起合作，才能组成一个更强大、更稳固的团队。

You work together with your differences to become like a better, stronger unit together.

这么说你能明白吗？

If that makes sense.

对。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

我脑海里浮现的是工作小组之类的画面。

I'm like picturing like a work group or something.

就像公司里的团队。

Like a corporate team.

不过确实有道理。

But it makes sense.

比如说，如果你把生活的百分之百都分享给伴侣，那在这段关系之外，你就没多少空间去继续提升它了。

Like, if you share 100% of your life with your partner, there's not a ton you can do outside of that relationship to continue to enhance it.

嗯。

Mhmm.

我觉得这会导致很多相互依赖的问题，对吧。

And I think it leads to a lot of like codependency Yeah.

就是你得等着伴侣，才能去做某件事，或者必须有伴侣在场，你才能完成某个目标。

Where you're waiting for your partner so that you can do something or you have to have your partner to be there so that you can check this off.

这是我过去一直在挣扎的问题，可能现在也还在努力应对，就是怎么才能不把一段那么纯粹、美好、真诚的关系，比如一段牢固的感情，变成别的东西。

And that's something that I've definitely struggled with a lot in the past and probably still continue to kind of grapple with of like, how do I not take something that is so pure and awesome and genuine like a strong relationship?

怎么才能不让自己把它变成一种必需品，变成我生活中每件事都依赖的东西。

How do I prevent myself from morphing it into like something that I need and like depend on to do every single thing in my life?

我觉得疫情对我来说是个很大的转折点，而且是往坏的方向。

And I think COVID was like a big turning point for me for the worse.

不。

No.

因为我觉得疫情前大家都有自己的生活，你也习惯了那样，那就是常态。

Because I feel like pre COVID everyone had their own life, and you were so used to that and it was like the status quo.

然后疫情期间，显然你不能出门。

And then during COVID obviously you can't go out.

我相信疫情期间和伴侣住在一起的人可能能理解这一点，但就是你真的只能作为一个整体来做事情。

I'm sure anyone who was living with their partner during COVID might be able to relate to parts of this but it's like you truly can only do things as like a unit.

我觉得当时我做得最独立的事情可能就是打游戏或者去跑步。

I think the most like solo thing I was doing at the time was like maybe gaming or like going on runs.

然后疫情后，重新建立各自的个人生活，我觉得是一个学习的过程，几乎是从零开始。

And then post COVID building our individual lives back up I think was a learning process, like almost doing it from bottoms up.

所以是的，这对我来说不是自然而然的事情。

So yeah, it's not something that comes like very naturally for me.

我觉得我自然的想法就是想把喜欢的东西涂满我生活的每个角落，你懂吗？

Like I think my natural desire is to like want to take this thing that I love and just slather it onto every aspect of my life, you know?

那倒是挺合理的。

That's fair.

而且我觉得这也不仅仅是内向和外向的差别。

And I feel like that's not even necessarily just an introvertextrovert difference as well.

因为我觉得我可能比我男朋友更渴望独立一些。

Because I feel like I probably crave independence a little more than, like, my boyfriend does.

他确实更倾向于多花时间在一起，少分开。

He definitely leans more towards spending more time together and less time apart.

其实，这让我在心理治疗中学到了一些概念。

Actually, this made me learn some concept in therapy.

我们的生活就像是一个维恩图。

Our lives are a Venn diagram.

当你在一段关系里，这个维恩图，你知道的，恋爱关系、友情，任何关系，你的维恩图，你的圆圈会重叠，而你需要自己决定重叠多少。

When you're in a relationship, this Venn diagram, you know, a romantic relationship, a friendship, any sort of relationship, your Venn diagrams, your circles overlap, and it's up to you too to decide how much you want that overlap to be.

但如果重叠变成百分之百，那就变成了相互依赖，这对谁都不好。

But if that overlap becomes a 100, then that becomes codependency and that's not good for anyone.

所以，关键是要找到你和伴侣之间的健康平衡，既不是零也不是百分之百。

So it's like, what is the healthy balance for both you and your partner without going to like zero or a 100?

答案就在两者之间。

The answer lies somewhere in between.

对。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

有道理。

That makes sense.

我也觉得，你和你的伴侣一起决定这件事，这很有道理。

It also makes a lot of sense to me that you and your partner decide this together.

嗯。

Mhmm.

这不是能根据一个人的意愿来决定的事情。

It's not something that can be decided based on, like, what one person wants.

所以你说得对。

So you're right.

我觉得你们确实得合作，才能找到一个对两个人都合适的方案。

I guess you do have to kind of collaborate to reach a point that works for both of you.

对。

Yeah.

好。

Okay.

你觉得你们的维恩图重叠百分比会是多少？

What do you think your Venn diagram percentage overlap would be?

哦，我觉得实际上，最近我学到的是这个。

Oh, I feel like it has to be like actually, recently my learning has been this.

嗯。

Mhmm.

我觉得我的直觉是几乎百分之百。

I think my instinct is to have it be like almost a 100%.

说实话。

If I'm being honest.

可能不是百分之百，大概百分之九十吧。

Maybe not a 100, maybe like 90.

我觉得这是我的直觉。

I think that's my instinct.

然后最近，我觉得我的社交生活更丰富了，算是吧。

And then lately, I feel like I've been having just more enrichment in my social life, guess.

更多的闺蜜聚会，还有更多有趣的事情可以庆祝，不一定总是和我丈夫一起。

More girl strips and more, you know, fun things to celebrate that doesn't always involve my husband.

嗯。

Mhmm.

虽然这有点违背我的意愿，不是我最想要的。

Even though that kind of goes against my will and like what I want.

但我意识到它带来的好处，那种情感上或者心理上的影响，对我来说是巨大的。

I realized the benefit that it has, that emotional or maybe mental impact that it has on me is huge.

所以我的答案是，虽然我可能希望是百分之九十，但健康的平衡点大概是百分之七十五。

So my answer is that even though I probably want it to be at like 90, I think the healthy balance is maybe like 75.

70到75吧。

70 to 75.

最近差不多就是这个趋势。

And that's kind of where it's been trending lately.

感觉一直就在70到75这个区间徘徊。

Like I feel like it sits around that like 70 to 75 mark.

那挺好的。

That's good.

而且我觉得，两个人住在一起的话，维恩图的重合度自然会变高。

And I feel like it's natural for the Venn diagram percentage to increase when you live together as well.

对我来说，能保持比较小的重合度，其实挺难得的。

I feel like it's almost a privilege for me to be able to have the Venn diagram percentage smaller.

不过你刚才提到和闺蜜出去玩，还有不带你老公参加的其他社交活动，我突然想起来，你从大学开始就一直在参加一个读书会。

But when you talked about having girls trips and, like, more other social happenings without your husband, I also remembered you have a book club that's been going on since, like, college.

对吧？

Right?

对。

Right.

那个读书会，我觉得詹姆斯没参加，也从来没参加过。

That one, I think James isn't a part of and never has been.

对吧？

Right?

确实是这样。

That is true.

是的。

Yeah.

他不参加那些活动。

He doesn't sit in on those.

然后这让我想到，天哪，你也需要这些社交活动，因为这样你才有机会分享你的趣事。

And then that made my mind wander off to, like, dude, you also need these social interactions because then it gives you the chance to, like, share your funny stories

嗯哼。

Mhmm.

有时候故事的主角不在场。

Without having sometimes the subject of the story being there.

没错。

True.

或者说，不只是聊工作上的事。

Or, like, without it being, like, just work stuff.

对吧？

Right?

对。

Yeah.

我觉得默认就是聊工作里发生的事。

I feel like the default is like, this happened at work.

然后就没话说了，因为其他事都聊过了。

And then it like dries up because everything else is shared.

你说得太对了。

But you're so right.

我觉得我生活中有一些一直在进行的事情，是分开的，我都没注意到。

I guess there are parts of my life that have been ongoing that are separate and I just don't notice it.

不过，我记得你提到过你的维恩图比例比较低，所以我特别好奇你理想中的比例是多少。

However, I know that you mentioned that you have a lower Venn diagram percentage, so I'm so curious what your ideal level is.

天哪。

Oh my god.

好吧。

Okay.

我记得我第一次了解到这个概念的时候，我就在想这个问题。

I remember when I first learned about this concept and I was thinking about it.

那也是在我们的关系早期，先说明一下。

This was also earlier in my relationship, just as a, you know, preface.

我觉得我的比例大概是30吧。

I think my percentage was like maybe it was like 30.

兄弟。

Bro.

等等，等等。

Wait, wait.

不过那是在刚开始的时候。

This was in the beginning though.

就是，关系刚开始的时候。

Like, the beginning of the relationship.

我们还在，你知道的，

We're still like, you know

慢慢升温。

Ramping up.

对。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

然后

And

我其实记得很清楚，因为你知道，在恋爱刚开始的时候，就像蜜月期一样，你们会花很多时间在一起。

I actually distinctly remember because, you know, in the beginning of a relationship, it's like, oh, honeymoon phase, and you're, like, spending so much time together.

我记得有一次，我和我男朋友几乎连续待在一起两周。

And I think there was this one point where me and my boyfriend spent almost, like, two weeks straight together.

哇。

Woah.

至少感觉上是这样。

At least it felt like that.

要么是连续一周，要么是连续两周。

It was either one week straight or two weeks straight.

好的。

Okay.

然后那段时间结束后，我跟他说，我觉得我需要比刚才更多的独处时间。

And then at the end of that time, I told him, I was like, oh, I think I need more alone time than what just happened.

就是告诉你一声。

Just to let you know.

我觉得以后我们真的不应该连续待在一起那么长时间，因为我需要时间自己充电，做自己的事情。

Like, I feel like in the future, we should avoid having, like, such long consecutive time together because I need time to, like, recharge and do my own activities as well.

然后我就说，好吧。

And I was like, okay.

但现在我觉得我们的交集大概在百分之五十左右吧？

But I guess now my Venn diagram is more 50 ish?

我喜欢我们俩都这么极端，我是说，我觉得百分之九十比百分之三十更极端。

I like how we both have such extreme, I mean, I will say 90 feels more extreme than 30.

但我们都是从极端开始，然后慢慢往中间靠拢。

But we start off with the extreme number and we've settled off more in the middle.

说实话，我很欣赏这一点。

Honestly, I can appreciate that.

作为一个喜欢并希望尽可能多交集的人，我觉得你设定明确的界限真的很值得称赞。

As someone who enjoys and wants as much overlap as possible, I think it's really commendable that you set a hard boundary.

而且设定界限这个概念本身就让我觉得很了不起。

And boundary setting as a concept is just already impressive to me.

但能够识别自己的需求，并且尽早告诉伴侣，我觉得这是非常健康的。

But to be able to identify what your need is and to communicate that to your partner early on I think is super healthy.

对，因为最大的问题是我能感觉到自己某种程度上不像自己了。

Yeah, because the big thing was I could feel myself not being myself in a sense.

比如我没有做一些恋爱前习惯做的事情。

Like I wasn't doing some of the things that I'm used to doing before the relationship.

因为你有自己的日常安排，然后你不得不相应地调整。

Because you kind of have your own routine and then you have to, like, adjust it accordingly.

所以有时候那种突然的变化挺难适应的。

So sometimes that, like, sudden change is a lot.

我猜我注意到了这一点，然后我就想，天哪，我得把自己的生活理顺。

I guess I noticed that and I was like, Oh god, I need to get my life together.

好吧，还有，我不知道你有没有这种感觉，但有时候我觉得在恋爱中花时间在一起，你生活中的其他事情就像暂停了一样。

Okay, also, I don't know if you feel this, but sometimes I feel like spending time together in a relationship, everything else in your life is on pause.

哦。

Oh.

我觉得是因为大部分时间都花在你们两个人作为一个整体上。

I guess because it's like so much of the time is focused on you two as a unit.

对。

Yeah.

然后你作为一个个体的生活就有点像暂停了。

And then like your life as one person is on pause kind of.

哦，有意思。

Oh, interesting.

我觉得对我来说，回想单身时期挺难的，那都是好久以前的事了。

I guess I it's like hard for me to think back on like my single era, beyonds ago.

但我完全能理解，这确实会让你不得不把某些事情往后放。

But I can definitely understand that it forces you to deprioritize certain stuff.

而且我觉得这种情况会一直持续下去。

And I think that goes on.

不只是恋爱初期才这样。

It's not just an early relationship thing.

你的感情关系至少会是前三名的优先事项，对吧？

Like your relationship will be at least top three priority, right?

即使你们在一起很久了。

Even if you're in it for a long time.

所以我能理解你会开始给其他事情排序，然后不得不调整安排来适应这个。

So I can understand that you start to like rank other things and like have to shuffle stuff around and adjust to that.

对。

Yeah.

举个例子，刚开始我们花很多时间在一起，边界还没设定好，或者我们的日常还没调整过来，我突然有种感觉，比如，我好久没跟某些朋友聊天了，或者好久没见某些朋友了，因为我们一直专注于这段感情。

One example could be in the beginning when we were spending a lot of time together and boundaries weren't set or, like, our routines weren't adjusted yet, there was suddenly a feeling on my end like, oh, I haven't talked to some of these friends in a while or I haven't seen certain friends in a while because we've been so focused on this relationship.

现在生活中的其他事情感觉都变成了模糊的背景。

And now everything else in my life just feels like it's like the blurry background.

对。

Yeah.

我觉得你说得很对。

I feel like you're very right.

就是会有一种视角上的转变。

Like, there is sort of a perspective shift that happens.

但你觉得这有点像钟摆一样吗？

But do you think it's kind of like a pendulum?

比如说，在恋爱的新阶段过了一段时间之后，会不会又摆回来？

Like, maybe after a certain amount of time in, like, the new part of a relationship, it swings back?

还是你觉得，在恋爱开始或者萌芽阶段被放到次要位置的事情，就会一直保持次要？

Or do you feel like things that get deprioritized during the conception or inception of a relationship stays deprioritized?

可能确实有点钟摆式的摆动。

Maybe there is a little bit of a pendulum swing.

你知道吗？

You know what?

我觉得我们之前从另一个角度聊过这个，就是说，有时候人们刚进入一段新恋情，会暂时消失一阵子，对吧？

I think we've kind of talked about this before from the other perspective where we're like, Oh, sometimes when people enter new relationships they disappear for a little while, right?

这完全可以理解。

And that's completely understandable.

所以你说得对，确实会摆回来，因为之后他们会开始调整自己的日常，学会在保持自我的同时，也作为一个整体来相处。

So you're right, it does swing back because then they start to adjust their routines and figure out how to be their own person while also being a unit.

而且我觉得有时候摆回来需要更长的时间。

And I guess sometimes it takes longer to swing back.

对。

Mhmm.

有时候也不会完全摆回来。

And sometimes it doesn't swing back all the way.

其实，我觉得大多数时候，它都不会完全回到原来的水平。

Actually, guess, like, most of the time it won't swing back all the way to the level it used to be.

没错。

Right.

这就是你必须接受的事情。

And that's just something you have to accept.

确实。

That's true.

我是说，当一个人谈恋爱的时候，有太多事情会发生变化，不管是自己谈恋爱，还是看着朋友开始一段新恋情。

I mean, there are just so many things that change when someone is in a relationship, whether it's yourself or like watching a friend enter a new relationship.

我个人经历过的一件事是，当你在一段感情中时，开始新的事情会感觉很奇怪，至少对我来说是这样。

One thing that I've experienced on a personal level is there's something that feels very weird, at least to me, about starting something new when you're in a relationship.

这和单身时开始新的事情感觉完全不同。

And it feels completely different from starting something new when you're single.

我觉得主要区别在于，当我在恋爱中想开始新的事情时，我的第一反应总是，哦，我该不该问问詹姆斯要不要一起？

And I think the main difference is like when I'm in a relationship and I want to start something new, my thought is always like, oh should I ask James if he also wants to join?

或者，我该不该看看他有没有兴趣做这个？

Or like should I see if he's interested in doing this?

这总是我首先考虑的事情。

And that's always like the first check for me.

并不是说他坚持要求我每次开始新的事情都要问他。

It's never that like he insists on being asked every time I start something.

我觉得这更多是我自己的习惯。

Like, I think it's more of like me doing it.

但我总是在想，这件事是我们一起做，还是他不想做，那我就自己去做。

But I'm always evaluating if this is gonna be something we do together or if it's gonna be something that he doesn't wanna do, therefore I do by myself.

嗯。

Mhmm.

你也有这种感觉吗，还是说这只是我个人的问题？

Do you feel that way or is this like a is this like a me thing?

不。

No.

不。

No.

我绝对也有这种感觉。

I definitely feel that way.

有时候我会想，是啊，我可能要尝试点新东西。

There's sometimes where it's like, yeah, maybe I'm gonna do something new.

然后我脑子里有个声音说，天哪，我是不是该叫我男朋友一起来？

And then there's this part of my brain that's like, damn, should I, like, invite my boyfriend?

这就像是自私的一面和关系的一面之间的小小斗争。

It's a little war between the selfish side and the, like, relationship side.

就像，哦，但如果我只是想让这件事成为我自己的事呢？

It's like, oh, but, like, what if I just want this thing to be my thing?

对。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

我几乎觉得，从某种古老的角度看，当活动有很明显的性别区分时，事情会更容易。

I almost feel like, in an archaic way, like it's easier when the activities are like very gendered.

明白。

Mhmm.

我想一个简单的例子是，没有多少男生会坚持做瑜伽，你懂吧？

I guess like an easy example is not a ton of guys commit to like a yoga routine, you know?

是的。

Yeah.

所以对我来说，去Core Power就很自然，不用非得问你要不要一起来。

So then it would be very natural for me to be like, going to Core Power and then not have to be like, do you wanna come?

比如，你想不想跟我一起踏上这段瑜伽之旅？

Like, you wanna embark on this yoga journey with you?

对。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

但我不知道。

But I don't know.

如果我突然迷上棒球之类的，我会觉得有义务说，哦，我们应该一起玩。

If I were to suddenly get into like baseball or something, like, I would feel obligated to be like, oh, we should play together.

詹姆斯会说，你怎么能不邀请我去，比如，

James is like, how could you not invite me to, like,

运动？

sports?

对。

Yeah.

没错。

Exactly.

明白。

Mhmm.

这很合理。

That's very fair.

但换个角度说，嗯，我也不确定这算不算换个角度。

But on the flip side well, I don't know if it's, like, flip side.

但比如说，在另一种情况下，如果是你以前一个人做或者和一群人一起做的事呢？

But, like, in another scenario, what about something that you used to do alone or with a group of people?

现在你谈恋爱了，你会邀请你的另一半加入，还是把它留作自己的活动？

Now that you're in a relationship, do you invite your partner in or do you keep it as your own activity?

所以我想，比如你的读书会。

So I guess, like, example, your book club.

对。

Right.

你有没有邀请过詹姆斯参加？

Did you ever invite James to it?

说到我们的读书会，挺有意思的，因为它是为核心成员办的。

So for our book club, it's kinda funny because it's for core members.

我们读书会有两个成员是一对，他们已经订婚了。

Two of the members on our book club are together, like they're engaged.

另外两个，就是我和另一个男的。

The other two, it's like me and this other guy.

是的。

Yeah.

当然，我有詹姆斯，然后我们另一个读书会成员也有他的妻子。

Obviously, I have James and then our other book club member has his wife as well.

所以基本上就是四个核心读者，然后还有两个算是边缘的，但不是核心成员。

So it's kind of like a core group of four readers and then we have the two people who are adjacent but not, you know, a core member.

对。

Right.

所以我们搞了一个叫“书影俱乐部”的活动，按理说另外两个人应该看我们读的那些书改编的电影。

So we do this thing called like book and movie club where allegedly, like, the other two people are supposed to watch the movies of the books that we read.

所以这个概念本身就包含了他们，但他们不来参加我们的会议。

So they're kind of like built into the concept, you know, but they don't come to our meetings.

他们真的只是来参加节日聚会，或者我们聚餐的时候，或者我们每年年底搞的年度派对，那时候我们会做演示什么的。

They really just come for like holiday gatherings or when we do dinners or we have like an annual end of year party that we do where we'll go over presentations and stuff.

所以他们总会到场。

So they'll always be there.

我觉得这其实是一个很好的例子，说明你有自己珍视的东西，同时让你的伴侣参与进来，让他们感到被包容，而不是强迫他们接受这个概念。

I think that's actually a pretty healthy example of having something that is sacred to you and incorporating your partner and having them feel included without forcing the concept.

因为我觉得如果我是詹姆斯，我会说这对我很重要。

Because I feel like if I were to be like James, this means a lot to me.

我希望你读书，加入我们的读书俱乐部。

Like I want you to read and be a part of our book club.

如果我们俩都硬来，可能最后都不开心，我逼他读书，他也不想读。

Like we would maybe both end up miserable where I'm like forcing him to read and he doesn't wanna read.

对。

Yeah.

反过来想，如果詹姆斯也有一样对他来说特别重要、特别上心的事，就像我的读书会对我来说那样，而他连介绍都不介绍给我，也不试着让我参与进去，那我也会有点难过，你懂吗？

On the flip side, like I think if James were to have something as close to his heart and as like important as, you know, my book club is to me and he didn't even try to introduce me to people or like try to incorporate me at all, like, I would also be kind of sad, you know?

我觉得另一个例子就是他的游戏小组。

Like, I guess the other example is his gaming group

嗯。

Mhmm.

你也在这个小组里，经常和这群人一起玩游戏。

Where you also are in that group and, like, play games with this group of people all the time.

他们邀请过我一起玩，但没要求我每次都到场。

I have been invited to play games, but I'm not expected to always be there.

这种平衡我就很喜欢，

And that's, like, the balance that I enjoy,

你知道吗？

you know?

嗯。

Mhmm.

别担心。

Don't worry.

詹姆斯已经不在那个组里玩了。

James doesn't even play in that group anymore.

那倒是真的。

That's true.

好的。

Okay.

等等。

Wait.

但再往回想想。

But also rewind.