房间里的大人们：怪罪信使

你是否在为白天越来越短、黑夜越来越长而感到焦虑？

Are you dreading increasingly shorter days and longer nights?

寒冷多云的西北部冬天让你情绪低落吗？

Do cold, overcast Northwest winters bum you out?

你可能正在经历黑暗综合症，但这里有一个解决办法。

You may be suffering from the big dark, but there is a solution.

我建议你去你的播客应用里听听《Meet Me Here》，这是KUOW的一档艺术类播客，每周为你带来一场活动与文化的盛宴，为你的生活增添亮色。

I'm telling you to talk to your podcast app about Meet Me Here, KUOW's arts podcast, a weekly dose of events and culture to lighten up your life.

收听《Meet Me Here》的副作用包括欢笑、好奇和灵感。

Side effects of Meet Me Here include laughter, curiosity, and inspiration.

你可以在你当地的KUOW应用，或任何你收听播客的平台找到《Meet Me Here》。

Find Meet Me Here on your local KUOW app or wherever you get your podcast.

来自西雅图KUOW的专注时刻。

Focus from KUOW in Seattle.

本集内容包含对虐待的描述以及对自杀的讨论。

This episode includes descriptions of abuse and discussion of suicide.

如果你或你认识的人正处于危机中，请拨打或发送短信至988联系自杀与危机生命线，或发送短信TALK到741741联系危机短信热线。

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK, t a l k, to 741741.

聆听时请照顾好自己。

Please take care while listening.

在我担任记者的二十二年里，我的专长是调查报道，尤其聚焦于特定领域。

In the twenty two years I've been a journalist, my thing has been investigation with a focus on a particular beat.

我称之为‘劣迹男子事务局’。

I call it the Bureau of Men Behaving Badly.

我最自豪的时刻，就是揭露那些有权有势之人的不当行为——说实话，他们大多是男性。

My proudest moments have been revealing the misdeeds of powerful people who, let's be real, tend to be dudes.

一位被指控性侵多名女性的摇滚明星。

A rock star accused of assaulting multiple women.

一位涉嫌强奸和袭击的西雅图夜生活大亨。

A Seattle nightlife mogul suspected of rape and assault.

一位西雅图市长，据目击者称，曾对一名孕妇拔枪相向。

A Seattle mayor who witnesses said pulled a gun on a pregnant woman.

我有时会想，为什么这些角色会吸引我。

I wonder sometimes why these characters appeal to me.

你可以说，在过去二十年里，我一直在重写我在西雅图加菲尔德高中高三时的故事，我依然是那个敢于揭露坏人的热血少年，即使这样做充满风险。

You could make the case that for the past two decades, I've been rewriting the story of my senior year at Garfield High School in Seattle, that I'm still the crusading teenager who wants to expose the bad guys even when it's risky.

但现在，我有了更好的工具可用。

But now, I've got better tools to work with.

我发展出了自己的采访方法，而且说实话，我的很多身份认同都建立在一个前提上：我所从事的工作无疑是正当的。

I've developed my reporting methods, and to be honest, a lot of my identity on the premise that what I do for a living is unquestionably good.

但当我这么说时，我脑海里有时会响起一个声音：但真的是这样吗？

But when I say that, a voice in my head sometimes goes, but is it?

我所揭露的不当行为可能会毁掉人们的生活，撕裂整个社区。

The misconduct I expose can ruin people's lives and shatter communities.

我对此再清楚不过了，因为我亲身经历过。

I know this too well because I've lived through it.

高三那年，当我们担任校报《信使报》的编辑时，我最好的朋友哈沙根告诉我，一位受欢迎的老师汤姆·哈德森可能虐待过至少一名学生。

During senior year, when we were editors for The Messenger, our school newspaper, my best friend, Hushagen, I heard that a popular teacher, Tom Hudson, had possibly abused at least one student.

我们向学校当局报告了这一指控。

We reported that allegation to school authorities.

我们在一篇文章中暗示了此事。

We hinted at it in an article.

最终，哈德森先生被停职。

Ultimately, mister Hudson was placed on leave.

一位我们敬重的艺术新闻老师试图将我们赶出报社。

An art journalism teacher, who we admired and respected, tried to kick us off the paper.

但这只是开始，因为埃拉和我无意中引发了一系列事件，这些事件震惊了加菲尔德中学多年。

That was just the beginning because Ella and I had unwittingly set off a series of events that would shock Garfield for years to come.

在此过程中，我们把自己变成了靶子。

And in doing so, we put targets on our own backs.

我们的老师、朋友，甚至当地媒体，几乎都指责我们毁掉了一位伟人。

Our teachers, friends, even local media, all but accused us of destroying a great man.

似乎没有人会满意，除非他们也摧毁了我们。

And it seemed nobody would be satisfied until they destroyed us too.

来自西雅图KUOW公共广播电台，这里是《现场成年人》第三集：责怪信使。

From KUOW Public Radio in Seattle, this is adults in the room episode three, blame the messenger.

我是艾索尔德·拉夫蒂。

I'm Isolde Raftery.

那是我们高三学年感恩节后的那一周。

It was the week after Thanksgiving of our senior year.

埃拉和我坐在信使教室的地板上。

Ella and I sat on the floor of the messenger classroom.

我们的新闻学老师戴夫·埃里克站在我们面前。

Our journalism teacher, Dave Erick, stood in front of us.

他说，报纸上有两位编辑行为不端。

He said two editors on the paper had acted unethically.

他们把关于哈德森先生的谣言当成了事实刊登出来。

They'd taken a rumor about mister Hudson and printed it as fact.

现在哈德森先生已经被停职了。

And now mister Hudson was suspended.

埃里克先生要求这些编辑辞职。

Mister Eric was asking these editors to resign.

他没有点名任何人，但每个人都知道他指的是谁——我和埃拉。

He didn't call anyone out by name, but everyone knew who he was talking about, Ella and me.

我们刚刚发表了一篇关于师生关系的文章，其中包含埃拉前男友告诉我们的一个故事。

We just published a story questioning student teacher relationships, and it included an anecdote told to us by Ella's ex boyfriend.

他说，他曾在哈德森先生的健身房打完壁球后，被强迫和他一起裸体淋浴。

He said he'd been pressured by mister Hudson to shower with him naked after the two played racquetball at mister Hudson's gym.

我们写得比较含蓄，只说埃拉的前男友感受到一位未具名教师的性张力，之后便保持了距离。

We kept it vague, writing that Ella's ex felt sexual tension from an unnamed teacher and kept his distance after.

埃拉的前男友说，那位教师对此不满，开始对他态度不同。

Ella's ex said the teacher didn't like that and started treating him differently.

我们没有添加任何更多细节，也绝对没有使用任何名字。

We didn't add any more detail than that, and we certainly didn't use names.

但埃里克先生却当着整个通讯社全体成员的面指责我们，说我们导致了同事的停职，这让人困惑，因为埃里克先生之前已经从我们这里听到了更多关于哈德森先生的严重指控，而且他曾承诺会采取行动。

But mister Erick still blamed us in front of the entire messenger staff for his colleague's suspension, which was confusing because mister Erick had already heard even more troubling allegations from us about mister Hudson, and he'd promised to take action.

就在几周前，Messenger的记者罗斯·班克罗夫特和埃拉告诉埃里克先生，罗斯的一个朋友也曾多次被强迫和哈德森先生一起淋浴，而且有时哈德森先生在淋浴时会有生理反应。

Just a few weeks earlier, messenger reporter Rosie Bancroft and Ella told mister Eric that a friend of Rosie's was also coerced to shower with mister Hudson on several occasions, and that sometimes mister Hudson was aroused in those showers.

罗斯的朋友说，哈德森先生甚至曾因生气踢过他一脚，还曾在自己的船上给学生提供酒精，并与他们分享色情杂志。

Rosie's friend said that mister Hudson even kicked him once in anger and that the teacher gave students alcohol and shared porn magazines with them on his boat.

罗斯和埃拉以为，作为法定报告人，埃里克先生会向当局举报。

Rosie and Ella assumed that as a mandated reporter, mister Erick would go to the authorities.

但埃里克先生却说，他会和哈德森先生进行一次男人间的谈话，说服他停止这种行为。

Instead, mister Eric said he'd have a man to man talk with mister Hudson and convince him to knock it off.

他还要求埃拉和罗斯不要告诉任何人。

And he directed Ella and Rosie to not tell anyone else.

但埃拉把一切都告诉了我，于是我去找了当社会工作者的妈妈，她直接联系了当局。

But Ella told me everything, and I went to my social worker mom who phoned the authorities.

几周之内，哈德森先生就被停职了。

Within weeks, mister Hudson was placed on leave.

我常常在想，为什么埃里克先生会觉得直接找哈德森先生谈话会有效果。

I've often wondered why mister Eric thought talking to mister Hudson directly would be effective.

我不明白，一场友好的谈话怎么就能阻止哈德森先生利用青少年男孩，但我感觉埃里克先生并不认为哈德森的行为构成虐待。

I didn't see how having a chummy conversation would stop mister Hudson from taking advantage of teenage boys, but I got the feeling that mister Eric didn't believe mister Hudson's actions qualified as abuse.

就在几周前，他还曾在《西雅图时报》的一篇报道中被引用过，那篇文章是关于我们校长琼斯博士的，他因与一名学生发生性关系而被停职。

He'd been quoted in the Seattle Times a few weeks earlier in a story about our principal, doctor Al Jones, who had been suspended the month before for a sexual relationship with a student.

在文章中，埃里克先生就师生互动发表了看法，他说：‘

In the article, mister Eric opined about student teacher interactions, saying, quote

关于界限到底在哪里，存在很多疑问。

There is a lot of doubt as to what the line may be.

因为当我们听到不当行为时，如果这不属于法律或亲密关系问题，那就留下了很多模糊地带。

Because when we hear about inappropriate conduct, that is not a legal or intimate relationship matter, that leaves a lot of territory.

当埃里克先生在《信使》报社会议上训斥埃拉和我时，他进一步阐述了这一点，告诉全班即使他自己有时也会越过师生界限，但他把我们当作成年人看待，并期望我们自己处理好。

As mister Eric chastised Ella and me at the messenger staff meeting, he expanded on that, telling the class that even he crossed the line with students sometimes, but he thought of us as adults and expected us to handle it.

下课铃响了。

The school bell rang.

我突然哭了出来，冲出了房间。

I burst into tears and bolted from the room.

我被解雇后感到非常崩溃。

I was devastated about being fired.

埃拉留下来，试图说服埃里克先生改变主意。

Ella stayed behind to try to convince mister Eric to change his mind.

我总觉得，这根本说不通。

I had this notion that, like, this doesn't make any sense.

你一定不理解。

You must not understand.

我知道他有点混蛋，但我就是想跟他谈谈。

I know he's like a kind of a dick, but, like, I'm just gonna talk to him.

在教室里只剩下埃拉和埃里克先生时，他说我们在《信使报》上匿名刊登的故事明显是关于哈德森先生的。

Alone in the classroom with Ella, mister Eric said our anonymized story in the messenger was obviously about mister Hudson.

有多少老师会在校外与学生见面？

How many teachers meet with students outside of school?

他问道。

He asked.

埃拉提到了游泳教练，但埃里克先生根本不想就新闻伦理进行善意的讨论。

Ella mentioned the swim coach, but mister Eric was in no mood for a good faith debate about journalistic ethics.

他 basically 给了我一堂课，说，你知道，埃拉，我做过很多心理分析，世界根本不是非黑即白的。

He, like, gave me a a lecture basically where he was like, well, you know, Ella, I've done a lot of psychoanalysis, and the world is just not black and white.

它是灰色的。

It's gray.

而且，你知道，这些关系是双向的。

And, you know, it it it's it goes both ways in these relationships.

那那些来找我、问成绩时还把胸部蹭在我身上的学生呢？

And what about the students who, you know, come over to me and rub their tits on me when they're asking about their grade?

当埃里克先生说出这话时，埃拉感觉自己的灵魂突然离开了身体。

When mister Erick said that, Ella remembers a feeling of suddenly leaving her body.

但埃里克先生并没有停止说话。

But mister Erick didn't stop talking.

在迷雾中，埃拉努力集中注意力。

Through the fog, Ella tried to focus.

埃里克先生说，当他还是学生时，老师曾对他有性方面的暗示，但他没有反抗，因为他不想破坏这些关系。

Mister Erick said that when he was a student, teachers made sexual advances toward him, but he didn't push back because he didn't wanna jeopardize those relationships.

老师向学生搭讪。

Teachers hitting on students.

学生向老师搭讪。

Students hitting on teachers.

埃里克先生暗示，这不过是高中时期的事。

Mister Erick implied, that was just high school.

不值得毁掉一位受人尊敬的教育者的事业。

Nothing worth tarnishing a respected educator's career for.

这是埃拉当时在日记里写的内容。

Here's what Ella wrote in her diary at the time.

那感觉太强烈了。

It was so up.

他把自己塑造成受害者，把伊索尔德和我置于无法自辩的境地，而每个人都在质问我们，质疑我们做了什么。

He made himself the victim and put Isolde and I in a position where we couldn't defend ourselves, but everyone was questioning us and what we did.

但艾拉也开始怀疑，也许埃里克先生说得有道理。

But Ella also found herself wondering, maybe mister Eric had a point.

我有点被说服了。

I felt sort of persuaded.

我记得当时有点觉得，他说得对。

I remember feeling a little bit like, he's right.

我不确定。

I don't know.

有很多事情我不了解。

There's a lot I don't know.

我只是个孩子。

I'm just a kid.

实际上，关于学生和老师之间的这种关系，可能存在着更多的共谋，当时我感到非常困惑，是不是我做错了什么？

And actually, there probably is a lot more complicity in terms of how these relationships work between students and teachers and they felt very like confused and did I do something wrong?

我懂什么？

What do I know?

这是一种极其深层的煤气灯效应，而且对我影响非常大。

It's such deep, deep, deep gaslighting and it was so effective on me.

我的意思是，他真的非常崇拜他。

I mean, he really did idolize him.

他太酷了。

He was so cool.

我的意思是，他骑摩托车，戴耳环，穿皮衣，看起来简直太棒了。

I mean, he drove, a motorcycle and an earring and he wore leather and, like, he seemed awesome.

你知道吗，即使我们有时觉得他有点让人不舒服，也丝毫没有减少他的酷炫感。

You know, even if we knew he was sometimes a little icky, it didn't take away from his, like, coolness.

我现在说出来都有点不好意思，但埃拉和我真的觉得埃里克先生非常酷。

I'm almost embarrassed to say this now, but Ella and I really did think mister Eric was deeply cool.

他四十多岁，当时以一种让我们觉得兴奋的方式对我们调情。

He was a man in his forties, and he was flirty with us in a way that felt exciting at the time.

尽管我们是他的学生，还是未成年人，但埃里克先生通过他成熟风趣的交谈，让我们感觉自己是平等的。

Even though we were his students and minors, mister Eric made us feel like equals with his mature banter.

我记得有一次，埃里克先生和我在 Messenger 教室里讨论一个故事。

I remember one time, mister Eric and I were talking about a story in the messenger classroom.

他停顿了一下，上下打量了我一番，然后问：‘你穿多大码的内裤？’

He paused, looked me up and down, and said, what size is your underwear?

我僵住了。

I froze.

等等。

Wait.

什么？

What?

他在观察我的反应，所以我笑了。

He was watching me for a reaction, so I laughed.

我觉得自己必须配合他。

I felt like I had to play along.

当他后来再次问起，又问了一次，我就把它当成了一个笑话。

When he asked again later and then another time, I turned it into a joke.

我坐公交车去了西雅图的Archie McPhee搞笑商店，买了一副超大的内裤。

I rode the bus to Archie McPhee's, a gag shop in Seattle, and bought a gigantic pair of tighty whities.

然后我在全班同学面前大张旗鼓地把它们钉在了墙上。

I then made a big show in front of our whole class, pinning them to the wall.

从他的座位上，Eric先生笑了。

From his desk, mister Eric laughed.

我以为那之后他就不会再问我的内裤尺寸了，但他还是想知道。

I thought he'd stop asking about my underwear after that, but he still wanted to know.

真的，你穿多大码？

Seriously, what size?

老兄。

Dude.

Eric先生并不是唯一一个对我们品头论足的成年人。

Mister Eric wasn't the only grown up leering at us.

我第一次注意到有男人盯着我朋友看，是在Ella十二岁生日那天。

The first time I noticed a man ogling my friends was on Ella's twelfth birthday.

我们正在西雅图市中心闲逛。

We were wandering through Downtown Seattle.

我们的妈妈们跟在后面。

Our moms trailed behind.

我听到一个妈妈对另一个说：孩子们到了那个年纪，男人就开始盯着他们看了。

I heard one say to another, they're at that age when men start checking them out.

一旦我注意到第一个男人在打量我们，就再也无法忽视其他人的目光了。

Once I saw the first man eyeing us, it was impossible not to spot the others.

妈妈们觉得这很恶心，但似乎也把这看作是不可避免的成长仪式。

The moms thought it was gross, but seemed to view this as an inevitable rite of passage.

假装没注意到他们在盯着你。

Just pretend you don't notice them staring.

当老师问起你的内裤时，也要假装这没什么大不了的。

Pretend it's fine when your teacher asks about your underwear.

在埃里克先生要求我们辞去信使职务后，我感觉自己像个迷路的孩子。

After mister Eric called for our resignation from the messenger, I felt like a lost child.

于是我直奔加菲尔德中学的另一位成年职员——临时校长周琪莉。

So I beelined to another adult at Garfield, Cheryl Chow, our interim principal.

周老师是当地传奇人物。

Miss Chow was a local legend.

她的母亲是Ruby Chow，一位餐馆老板，曾为老派西雅图的记者和政客们所熟知。

Her mom was Ruby Chow, a restaurant owner who regaled the journalists and politicians of old school Seattle.

周老师曾担任西雅图市议会议员，并与李小龙是至交好友。

Miss Chow had been on the Seattle City Council and was close family friends with Bruce Lee.

是的，就是那个李小龙。

Yes, that Bruce Lee.

她被派来整顿加菲尔德中学，因为前任校长因性丑闻下台，这意味着我找她谈话那天，她上任还不到两个月。

She'd been brought in to clean up Garfield after the sex scandal that ended the tenure of our previous principal, which meant the day I talked to her, she'd been on the job for less than two months.

周老师听我抽泣着讲述了埃里克先生说的话。

Miss Chow listened as I sobbed and told her what mister Erick said.

她看起来很生气。

She looked angry.

他不能开除你，”她说。

He can't fire you, she said.

你们是学生。

You're students.

在这一片混乱中，我忘了。

In all the drama, I forgot.

送信人不是一份工作。

The messenger wasn't a job.

那是一门课。

It was a class.

Chow小姐告诉埃里克先生，他不能让我们辞职，她还说了别的。

Miss Chow told mister Eric he couldn't make us resign, and she said something else.

他必须在我们报纸团队的同龄人面前向埃拉和我道歉。

He had to apologize to Ella and me in front of our peers on the newspaper.

埃里克先生一定是把道歉信发给Chow小姐审批了，因为我们在为这个播客做研究时，在一堆Chow女士的文件中找到了一份副本。

Mister Eric must have sent his apology to miss Chow for approval because I found a copy of it during our research for this podcast in a trove of Ms.

周女士的旧档案。

Chow's old records.

我请了KOW的一位同事读了他对我们说的话的一部分。

I asked a coworker at KOW to read part of what he said to us.

对我来说，你们是追求新闻事业的成年人。

You are, to me, fellow adults pursuing journalism.

我承认自己混淆了这些优先事项。

I'm guilty of confusing these priorities.

我在课堂上的言论，导致我要求编辑们辞职，正是源于这种混淆。

My comments in this class, which resulted in my calling for editors to resign their positions, resulted from this confusion.

大多数时候，我很乐意把你们当作成年人，因为首先，你们几乎已经是了。

Most of the time, I am happy to confuse you as adults because for one, you almost are.

其次，这能建立一种极佳的工作关系。

And for two, it makes for a wonderful working relationship.

几天后，西雅图的另类周刊《陌生人》刊登了一篇关于埃里克先生的简短新闻。

A few days later, Seattle's alternative weekly paper, The Stranger, wrote a short news piece about Mr.

埃里克试图解雇我们的失败尝试，以及 Chow 女士如何为我们辩护。

Erick's failed attempt to fire us and how Ms.

陈女士为我们挺身而出。

Chow came to our defense.

我读到的时候，彻底崩溃了。

When I read it, I freaked out.

埃拉和我完全不知道我们的故事是怎么引起他们注意的，但我们知道埃里克先生会因此惩罚我们，而他确实这么做了。

Ella and I had no idea how our story came to their attention, but we knew mister Eric would punish us for it, which he did.

埃里克先生将我们从编辑职位上撤了下来。

Mister Erick demoted us from our editor positions.

他让我负责艺术评论，让埃拉去做摄影师。

He put me on arts reviews, and he made Ella a photographer.

这些措施对哈德森先生毫无帮助。

None of this helped mister Hudson.

学区很快启动了正式调查，以核实针对他的指控是否有依据。

The district soon launched an official inquiry to see if the allegations against him had any merit.

他们请来了一位调查员，他负责加菲尔德地区。

They brought on an investigator who was headed for Garfield.

在接下来的几个月里，这位调查员和我经常交谈。

And over the next few months, this investigator and I would talk a lot.

西雅图是一个繁荣的城市。

Seattle is a boom town.

从制造业到科技行业，一些全球最大的公司为该地区带来了就业和财富。

From manufacturing to tech, some of the world's biggest companies have brought jobs and wealth to the region.

但这也伴随着真正的阵痛。

But that comes with real growing pains.

我是约书亚·麦克尼科尔斯。

I'm Joshua McNichols.

我是莫妮卡·尼科尔斯伯格。

And I'm Monica Nicholsberg.

我们主持《繁荣》播客，帮助你理解塑造我们太平洋西北地区生活的经济力量。

We host booming, a podcast that helps you make sense of the economic forces shaping our lives here in the Pacific Northwest.

从西雅图待办事项中的大型预算项目

From the big budget projects on Seattle's to do list

到人工智能时代。

To the artificial intelligence age.

我们深入探讨那些影响你钱包和我们地区的新闻故事。

We get into the stories that hit your wallet and our region.

现在通过KUOW应用或任何你收听播客的平台收听。

Listen now on the KUOW app or wherever you get podcasts.

哈德森先生被停职后不久，我就开始被从第一节课的物理课中叫走。

Soon after mister Hudson was put on leave, I started getting pulled from my first period physics class.

教室里的电话会响。

The classroom phone would ring.

这是一台笨重又可爱的绿色固定电话，固定在墙上。

This was a clunky, cute green landline fused to the wall.

我的老师会接电话

My teacher would answer

你好。

Hello.

然后转向我们，与我对视，皱眉，对着话筒低声说

And then turn to us, make eye contact with me, frown, and mutter into the receiver

我让她下来。

I'll send her down.

学校董事会的调查员在主办公室等我。

The school district's investigator waited for me in the main office.

埃拉和我互相提醒着记起这个人。

Ella and I helped each other remember this guy.

他是一名来自芝加哥的前警察。

He was an ex cop from Chicago.

他叫Got这个口音。

His name was got this accent.

埃迪·埃迪·索姆斯 junior。

Eddie Eddie somebody junior.

你还记得吗，是

Do you remember Was it

埃迪·希尔？

Eddie Hill?

没错。

Indeed.

埃迪·希尔 senior。

Eddie Hill senior.

他是一位年长的非裔前警察，总是穿着皱巴巴的西装，让我想起在电视上见过的侦探。

He was an older black ex cop who wore rumpled suits and reminded me of detectives I'd seen on TV.

在1999年冬天，埃迪·希尔和我每周都会见面。

In winter nineteen ninety nine, Eddie Hill and I met every week.

我原本以为他想和我谈话，是因为我妈妈向当局举报了哈德森先生的指控。

I assumed he wanted to talk to me because my mom had reported the allegations about mister Hudson to the authorities.

我们的谈话大约持续十五分钟。

Our chats lasted roughly fifteen minutes.

我把他听到的关于哈德森先生的一切都告诉了他，但通常情况下，埃迪说得更多。

I told him everything I'd heard about mister Hudson, but usually, Eddie did most of the talking.

他透露别人在说什么，看看我怎么想。

He divulged what others were saying to see what I thought.

作为一名今天的记者，我努力像埃迪那样，寻找我可以信赖的消息来源。

As a journalist today, I try to be like Eddie and find the sources I can trust.

我称他们为我的拉比。

I call them my rabbis.

这些是内部人士，他们向我提供情报，引导我避开潜在的雷区，并为我向其他掌握信息的人背书。

These are insiders who feed me intel, guide me around potential landmines, and vouch for me to others who have information.

我向埃迪介绍了罗斯·班克罗夫特，她对哈德森先生知之甚多。

I pointed Eddie to Rosie Bancroft, who knew a lot about mister Hudson.

除了是《信使报》的记者外，罗斯还是第84号课后户外俱乐部的成员，而这个俱乐部正是哈德森先生所领导的，该团体对其领袖极为忠诚。

Besides being a reporter at the messenger, Rosie was also a member of Post eighty four, the after school outdoors club that mister Hudson ran, a group that was extremely loyal to their leader.

罗斯说，她的第84号俱乐部朋友们起初对她说给埃迪·希尔提供信息并不反对。

Rosie said her post eighty four friends were fine with her talking to Eddie Hill, at first anyway.

我想他们可能觉得，太好了。

I think maybe they thought, great.

就是随便吧。

Like, whatever.

你想说什么就说什么吧。

Say whatever you need to say.

把心里话都倒出来，然后我们大家

Get it out of your system, and then we'll all

继续过自己的生活。

go on about our lives.

寒假来了又走了。

Winter break came and went.

1999年变成了2000年，调查还在继续。

1999 turned into 2000, and the investigation continued.

当我翻看那个时期的学校记录时，很明显，麦斯特·哈德森的众多支持者都对埃迪·希尔的调查持续了这么久感到焦虑。

When I look through school records from that time, it's clear that mister Hudson's many defenders were anxious about how long Eddie Hill's investigation was taking.

我这里有发给学区首席律师马克·格林的旧传真副本。

I have copies of old faxes sent to Mark Green, the top attorney for the school district.

我无法确定是谁写的，因为发件人的个人信息都被遮盖了，但看起来像是家长寄来的。

I can't tell who wrote them because the sender's personal details are blacked out, but they seem to have come from parents.

其中一份写着：‘引述’

One reads, quote

你曾表示，学校开学时事情就会了结。

You indicated things would be wrapped up by the time school resumes.

我想知道事情是否按计划进行，还是出现了意外情况导致延误。

I'd like to know if things are on schedule or if something unforeseen is delaying matters.

还有些未具名家长留给周女士的电话留言，潦草地写在便条上，说埃迪·希尔无权再采访他们的孩子。

There are also phone messages from unnamed parents for miss Chow scribbled on notepads, saying Eddie Hill did not have permission to interview their kids any longer.

共有八十四名学生也停止了配合调查。

Post eighty four students were also done cooperating with the investigation.

当埃迪打电话请他们回来接受访谈时，他们否认知道哈德森先生有任何不当行为，而罗斯说她的俱乐部同伴开始施压，让她远离埃迪。

When Eddie called members back for interviews, they denied knowledge of any inappropriate behavior by mister Hudson, and Rosie said her clubmate started pressuring her to stay away from Eddie.

那还不是全部。

That wasn't all.

一些男生和Post84的学生去找Rosie，说他们对Hudson先生的事说了谎。

Boys and Post eighty four approached Rosie to say they had lied about mister Hudson.

他们说Hudson先生并没有做错任何事。

They said mister Hudson hadn't done anything wrong.

据Rosie回忆，这种不配合的态度只是让调查持续得更久。

As Rosie recalls, this reticence to comply just prolonged the inquiry.

整个调查陷入了一种尴尬的境地，就是说，好吧。

The whole investigation was in this position where, like, okay.

我们有很多事情不能就此罢休，但也没有足够的证据可以采取行动，因为当时在场的人都不愿意谈论这件事。

There's plenty that we can't just let this go, but there's not enough that we can act on it because the people who were there are not willing to talk about it.

所以调查就这样一直拖着，没完没了。

And so it just kept going on and on and on.

我也成了这场支持Hudson的运动的目标。

I became a target of this pro Hudson push too.

一天晚上，Post Eighty Four的学生会长给我家里打了电话，让我保持沉默。

One evening, the student president of Post eighty four called me at home asking me to stay quiet.

那时，我已经和埃迪交谈了好几个星期，完全没有改变主意的打算。

At that point, I'd been talking to Eddie for weeks, and I had no interest in changing course.

我现在明白，Post Eighty Four突然对调查产生敌意的部分原因，是因为哈德森先生一直在与Post Eighty Four的学生和家长联系。

I know now that part of the reason for Post eighty four's sudden hostility toward the investigation was because mister Hudson was talking to Post eighty four kids and their parents.

他打电话给他们，因为自己与深爱的俱乐部渐行渐远而感到痛苦。

He was calling them, distraught by his distance from the club he loved.

有时，他们会去哈德森先生的船上探望他。

Sometimes, they visited mister Hudson on his boat.

他们如此钦佩这个人，又怎能不为他感到心疼呢？

How could they not feel for the man they all admired so much?

学区得知哈德森先生仍在与学生保持联系。

The district heard that mister Hudson was still in touch with his students.

他们发了一封信要求他停止，但他没有听从。

They sent a letter telling him to stop, but he didn't.

这场沉默运动并没有阻止埃迪继续他的工作。

This campaign of silence wasn't keeping Eddie from doing his job.

事实上，他与我分享的细节比我之前听过的任何事情都更令人震惊。

In fact, the details he shared with me were more shocking than anything I'd heard before.

有一天，他问我是否听说过有关哈德森先生涉及口交的事件。

One day, he asked me if I'd heard about incidents of oral sex involving mister Hudson.

我之前并不知道。

I hadn't.

埃迪也向罗斯问过这件事，但她一开始并不明白他在说什么。

Eddie questioned Rosie about this too, but she didn't understand what he was saying at first.

他不得不向我解释什么是口交。

He had to explain to me what fellatio meant.

我也能感觉到很多同学的态度发生了变化。

I could also feel a tone shift from a lot of my classmates.

他们显得更冷淡、更疏远了。

They seemed colder, more standoffish.

当时埃拉和我的邮件显示，我们都以为埃里克先生的道歉能让我们的其他学生记者站到我们这边，但我们都错了。

Emails between Ella and me at the time showed that we both thought mister Eric's apology would get our fellow student journalists back on our side, but we were wrong.

《信使报》的新闻编辑在另类周刊刊登了关于我们几乎被解雇的报道后，写了一封公开信为那位陌生人辩护。

The Messenger's news editor wrote an open letter to the stranger defending mister Eric after the alt weekly published the story about our almost firing.

她写道，任何报纸都不该报道谣言。

It's not the job of any paper to report on rumors, she wrote.

这感觉就像被扇了一巴掌。

It felt like a slap in the face.

这种紧张气氛一直伴随着我们在加菲尔德的每一个角落。

This tension followed us everywhere at Garfield.

我有一位特别特别喜欢的英语老师。

I had this English teacher who I really, really liked.

她说：‘我真的很想教你们跳华尔兹。’

She was like, well, I really wanna teach you guys how to waltz.

你们这些孩子从来都没学过正式的舞蹈，我想教你们跳华尔兹，但我做不到。

You know, you kids never learn like formal dances and I wanna teach you to waltz, but I can't.

如果我碰了任何人，哪怕只是碰一下胳膊肘，我可能就会成为下一个惹麻烦的人。

If I touch anyone even like on their elbow, you know, I might be the next person in trouble.

我只是觉得，天啊，根本没人理解。

And I just felt like, wow, fundamentally, nobody gets it.

这根本不是关于碰胳膊肘的事。

This is not about a elbow touch.

我们的老师一直很喜欢埃拉和我。

Our teachers had always liked Ella and me.

但随着对哈德森先生的调查持续进行，他们对我们变得不耐烦了。

But as the investigation into mister Hudson dragged on, they became short with us.

一位老师邀请埃拉和我去她家喝茶，然后责备我们，说我们举报哈德森先生的指控是错的。

One teacher invited Ella and me to her house for tea and then scolded us, saying we'd done the wrong thing by reporting the claims against Mr.

哈德森。

Hudson.

而我的第一节课物理老师，那个总接到主办公室电话要我课间离开的老师，弄丢了我的一份试卷。

And my first period physics teacher, the one who kept getting calls from the main office to excuse me during class, lost one of my exams.

至少，他是这么告诉我的。

At least, that's what he told me.

他让我重考了一次，我得了A。

He let me retake it, and I got an a.

但他把重考成绩和缺考的F平均后，把我的总成绩降到了C。

But he reduced my overall grade to a c because he averaged the retake with an f from the missing test.

这拉低了我的平均绩点，导致我无法成为毕业致辞代表。

That knocked down my GPA, and it meant I couldn't be valedictorian.

感觉整个学校都站到了埃拉和我这边的对立面。

It felt like the entire school had turned against Ella and me.

每天，我们都要面对持续不断的愤怒目光、冷言冷语，以及因为举报哈德森先生而遭受的直接报复。

Every day, we were subjected subjected to a near constant barrage of angry looks, snide comments, and outright retribution for speaking up about Mr.

哈德森先生。

Hudson.

从那以后，情况只会变得更糟。

And it would only get worse from there.

西雅图每周都有新餐厅开业，有些餐厅门口甚至排起了长队。

Seattle has a new restaurant open every week, and some of them have lines around the block.

但哪些才是真正值得你花时间去吃的呢？

But which ones are actually worth your time?

嘿。

Hey.

我是布兰迪·福伍德，《西雅图美食》的主持人。

I'm Brandy Fowood, host of Seattle Eats.

这是来自KUOW的一档美食播客。

It's a food podcast from KUOW.

在最新一期节目中，西雅图时报的美食评论家汤姆·温分享了哪些新开业的餐厅实至名归，并认为我们这座城市正该尝试一些新东西。

On the latest episode, Seattle Times food critic, Tom Vinn, shares which new openings deserve the hype, and he makes the case we're trying something new in this city.

请在KUOW应用或您常用的播客平台收听《西雅图美食》。

Listen to Seattle Eats on the KUOW app or wherever you get your podcasts.

我一生中大部分时间都住在西雅图，但常常感觉自己像个局外人。

I've lived in Seattle most of my life, but I've often felt like a bit of an outsider.

我觉得这是因为我是移民。

I think that's because I'm an immigrant.

我四岁时家人就搬到了这里。

My family moved here when I was four.

我爸爸是爱尔兰人。

My dad is Irish.

我妈妈来自法国，我们在家说法语。

My mom is from France, and we spoke French at home.

我妈妈的姐妹们用一个词来形容我高三那年冬天感受到的悲伤而苦涩的愤怒。

My mom's sisters use a term to describe the sad, bitter anger I felt in the winter of my senior year.

这个词听起来也像法语中的‘在海上’。

It also sounds like French for out at sea.

那时的我，就像咸涩而孤独的海风。

That was me, salty and alone.

加菲尔德是我第一次找到归属感的地方。

Garfield was the first place where I'd found my people.

但揭发哈德森先生之后，我又感觉自己像个外人。

But after blowing the whistle on mister Hudson, I felt like an interloper again.

我给埃拉发邮件开玩笑说，我只能吃M&M巧克力豆，但其实这也没差多少。

I joked in emails to Ella that I couldn't eat anything but M and M's, but it wasn't far from the truth.

我经常感到恶心。

I was often nauseous.

从十一月到二月，我的体重从九十磅降到了七十五磅。

Between November and February, I dropped from ninety pounds to seventy five.

很明显，大多数朋友都在刻意与我保持距离。

It was obvious that most of my friends were keeping their distance from me.

我给埃拉写信说，我不再知道该如何与人交谈，也再也说不出任何话了。

I wrote to Ella about how I no longer knew how to talk to people and that I had nothing to say anymore.

但随后，埃拉也开始疏远我了。

But then, Ella started pulling away too.

她现在后悔告诉我罗茜的朋友的事。

She now regretted telling me about Rosie's friend.

我觉得是你拿了这件事去告诉了你妈妈，现在你知道的，我成了焦点。

I felt like you're the one who took this and went and told your mom and now, you know, I'm in the hot seat.

我从来不想成为焦点。

I never wanna be in the hot seat.

我讨厌这样。

I hate that.

这真的让人非常难过。

It was just so upsetting.

就像我们的高三本该是那么快乐的一年，却被中间这段极其糟糕的经历给毁了。

Like our senior year, which was supposed to be so fun, sort of marred by this really horrible experience right in the middle of it.

起初我们是一起面对的，但我们的亲密变得令人窒息。

We had been in this together at first, but our closeness became suffocating.

就像一个你总是忍不住去抠的痂。

It's like a scab you can't stop picking.

我就记得自己当时想，我真的厌倦了生气。

Like, I just remember being like, I'm tired of being angry.

我厌倦了悲伤。

I'm tired of being sad.

所以我们确实彼此保持了一些距离。

And so we did we did take some space from each other.

我们仍然在邮件里用像‘Smella’和‘Molde’这样的昵称称呼对方，但这样的频率变少了。

We still called each other nicknames like Smella and Molde in our emails, but they became less frequent.

当我们写信时，通常是互相质问为什么不再一起相处了。

When we did write, it was to ask each other why we weren't spending time together anymore.

Ella 和其他孩子一起玩，但她觉得没人愿意靠近她。

Ella hung out with other kids, but she felt like no one wanted to be near her.

睡觉变得困难。

Sleep was hard.

她做噩梦，还磨牙。

She had nightmares and gnashed her teeth.

在学校，有人叫她‘告密者’。

At school, someone called her a narc.

这本来是个玩笑，但却刺痛了我。

It was a joke, but it stung.

我妈妈看出了我的挣扎。

My mom saw how I was struggling.

她送我去了一位精神科医生那里，诊所位于大学桥的另一边。

She sent me to a psychiatrist whose office was past the University Bridge.

当我走向第一次就诊的路上，走到桥中央时停了下来。

As I walked across it to my first appointment, I stopped at the midway point.

我屏住了呼吸。

I held my breath.

如果我跳下去会怎样？

What if I jumped?

我看不出这些糟糕情绪的出路，但我实在太累了。

I couldn't see a way through these bad feelings, but I was so exhausted.

就连死去都觉得太费劲了。

Even dying felt like too much work.

所以我继续往前走。

So I kept going.

我的男朋友托比似乎是唯一愿意花时间陪我的人。

My boyfriend, Toby, seemed to be the only person who wanted to spend time with me.

你在第二集里听说过托比。

You heard about Toby in episode two.

当他们和哈德森先生一起去毛伊岛潜水时，托比在第84号车厢，哈德森先生让他躺在团队卡车的后部睡觉。

He was in post eighty four when they went on a scuba diving trip with mister Hudson to Maui, and mister Hudson made Toby nap with him in the back of the group's truck.

托比是个高个子、性格随和的人，但他无法将他认识的老师和我描述的那个人联系起来。

Toby was a tall, chill guy, but he couldn't reconcile the teacher he knew with the one I was describing.

这种挫败感逐渐渗透进了我们的关系。

And that frustration entered our relationship.

我们在她父母家吵了一架。

We fought at her folks' place.

我们在我家也吵了一架。

We fought at my folks' place.