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你正在收听《Stand Up New York》播客。
You're listening to a Stand Up New York podcast.
星期二快乐，混蛋。
Happy Tuesday, bitch.
是的。
Yep.
我们将在星期二推出。
We're coming out on a Tuesday.
下周二见。
See you next Tuesday.
这实际上就是我为什么把发布日期改到星期二的原因，这样我就能在每集结尾说‘下周二见’。
That's actually why I changed the release date to Tuesday, so I could say see you next Tuesday at the end of every episode.
但不，我们转向星期二是因为现在就是需要这样。
But no, we are moving to Tuesdays because that is just what needs to happen right now.
欢迎回到《Good in Bed》，这是唯一重要的、也是我所知道的性新闻综艺秀，我是你们的主持人阿里尔·卡普兰。
Welcome back to Good in Bed, the only sex news variety show that matters and that I know of, I being your host Ariel Kaplan.
我从来没听过自己的任何一期节目，因为都经历过，没什么新鲜的。
I never listened to any of my episodes because like, been there, done that.
但消息来源告诉我，我当时说得东一榔头西一棒子的。
But sources tell me that I was a bit all over the freaking place.
而且听起来我好像什么都不知道，作为第二期节目放出来可能真的很糟糕。
And I didn't sound like I knew anything and it was probably pretty bad to put out as a second episode.
对此，我说一声‘对不起’——在希伯来语里就是这个意思。
And to that, I say, which means sorry in Hebrew.
我喜欢说很多话，所以你们只能赶紧跟上节奏了。
I like to say a lot, so you guys are just gonna have to catch up.
现在我把你们都补上进度了。
And now I brought you up to speed.
我目前正在新泽西州泽西城我父亲的家里录制节目。
I am currently recording from my father's house in Jersey City.
祝大家的父亲生日快乐，也补上迟来的生日祝福。
Happy birthday, happy belated birthday to everyone's dad.
今天是父亲节。
It is Father's Day.
我要去洛杉矶见我的恋人，我的洛杉矶恋人。
And I am going to LA to see my lover, my LA lover.
昨晚我和我们的嘉宾莎拉·埃德曼共进晚餐，她简直就是另一个我，但属于A型性格。
And last night, I had dinner with our guest, Sarah Edelman, who is literally me but type A.
而我是她，但属于B型性格。
And I am her but type B.
她比我年轻，也比我漂亮。
And she's younger and hotter than me.
所以昨晚我们去吃晚饭，正如我所说，她是A型性格。
So we go to dinner last night and as I said, she's type a.
当我们吃到炸鸡三明治时，味道好到爆炸，因为我们要分着吃，所以三明治被对半切开，因为我们很甜蜜。
So when we received a fried chicken sandwich, it was so fucking good, that was split down the middle because we were sharing plates because we're cute.
鸡肉中间有点生，于是我便说：‘哎呀，这鸡肉有点生啊。’
The chicken was a little raw in the middle, so I was like, oh look, the chicken's kinda raw.
莎拉快疯了，她说：‘天啊，我们该怎么办？’
And Sarah's freaking out and she's like, oh my god, what are we gonna do?
我们只能吃掉它，必须吃掉它。
We just have to eat it, we have to eat it.
我们该怎么办？
What are we gonna do?
显然，她有很多餐厅焦虑，而作为贝塔，我在有阿尔法在场时就是个贝塔。
Apparently, she has a lot of restaurant anxiety, and the thing about me as a beta, I'm a beta when there's an alpha around.
但如果只有贝塔而没有阿尔法，我就会变成阿尔法。
But if there are only betas and no alpha, I become the alpha.
于是我做了这件脏活。
So I did the dirty work.
我的意思是，我做这件事时真的特别自信。
I mean, I actually I felt so confident doing it.
我觉得我其实应该多跟贝塔待在一起，这样我就能成为阿尔法，因为我真的很吸引阿尔法能量，而这真的让我陷入一种‘ bitch mode’。
Like, I really should probably just surround myself with betas so I become the alpha because I'm I'm very drawn to alpha energy which really just puts me in like a a bitch posish.
总之，服务员向我们道歉，说请我们喝饮料，并免费给我们又上了一盘菜，我们点了鸡肉三明治和薯条。
Anyway, the waitress apologizes, tells us that we get drinks on the house, she brings us another plate of food for free, and we get the chicken sandwich and fries.
天啊，真是太棒了。
Oh my god, were so good.
然后厨师过来道歉了。
And then the chef comes over apologizes.
莎拉只是说：这太过分了，太过分了。
And Sarah's just like, this is too much, too much.
但我从这次经历中学到的是，a）这没问题，你应该为自己应得的东西争取。
But what I took out of that encounter was that a, it's okay and you should demand what you deserved.
我们本该得到一份不会让我们食物中毒的三明治。
I would we deserved a sandwich that was not gonna give us food poisoning.
是的。
Yeah.
我们不仅得到了正确的鸡肉，还因为发声而得到了奖励。
Not only did we get the correct chicken, but we were rewarded for speaking up.
所以这其实没那么可怕。
So it's really not that scary.
那真是一次与莎拉建立深厚联系的很棒经历。
That was a really cool bonding experience with Sarah.
我们直接进入正题吧。
Let's just get into it.
为什么异性恋女孩会在派对上接吻？
Why do straight girls kiss at parties?
大约有20%到30%，我知道这个差距挺大的，但不管怎样，有20%到30%的自认为是异性恋的大学女生曾在派对上亲过另一个女孩。
About 20 to 30%, I know that's a large difference, but whatever, 20 to 30% of college women who identify as straight have kissed another girl at a party.
为什么呢？
Why?
这是发表在《个人关系杂志》上的一项研究的学者们想要找出的答案。
This is what the researchers who published a study in the Journal of Personal Relationships sought to find out.
你知道吗，等一下，我想先聊聊我自己。
You know what, wait before that, I wanna talk about me.
我完全是为了寻求认同、迎合男性凝视而在派对上亲女孩，但同时也因为我确实是个双性恋者，我想我是异性恋浪漫倾向的双性恋，或者我只是一直对双性好奇。
I totally kiss girls at parties for validation, for the male gaze, but also because I'm definitely bisexual and I mean heteroromantic bi sexual, I think, or I'm just perpetually bi curious.
不，应该是异性倾向灵活，我觉得，如果你非要给我贴标签的话，那就是异性倾向灵活。
No, heteroflexible, I think, like, if you must if you must force me to label myself, heteroflexible.
好吧。
Alright.
研究招募了282名年龄在19至41岁之间的异性恋女大学生，但大多数是白人，且主要是大一新生，所以可能只有两三个40岁左右的人。
282 undergraduate straight women, ages 19 to 41, but mostly white and mostly college freshmen, so there was probably like two 40 year olds, were recruited for the study.
研究人员将参与同性表演行为的女性分为三类。
And the researchers divided women who engaged in same sex performativity into three sections.
33%的女性是出于其他动机去亲吻女性。
33% of the women were other motivated to kiss women.
这意味着她们是为了迎合男性凝视、社会压力或制造震惊效果，而这些女性最有可能是姐妹会成员。
This means it was for the male gaze, for social pressure, to shock others, and these women were most likely to be in sorority.
我超爱看姐妹会入会仪式的视频，但关于这个我就不再多说了。
I love watching sorority haze porn and I will not say anything else about that.
这些女性中有54%被归类为动机模糊。
Fifty four percent of these women were profiled as ambiguously motivated.
这些女性的体验较少积极，不太可能再次参与，而且发生时大多处于醉酒状态。
These women had less positive experiences and were less likely to reengage and they were mostly drunk when it happened.
另有13%的女性是出于性动机。
And thirteen percent of these women were sexually motivated.
哇哦。
Woo.
尽管她们自认为是异性恋，但这些女性的动机是性欲望、性探索以及对女性的吸引力，尽管她们自认为是异性恋。
Even though they identify as straight, these women were motivated by sexual desire, sexual experimentation and attraction to women despite identifying as straight.
也许如果她们了解异性恋弹性这个概念，就不会自认为是异性恋了。
Maybe if they knew about heteroflexibility, they wouldn't identify as straight.
研究人员表示，这项研究的主要结论是，出于性动机的女性在派对上与女孩接吻时最有可能获得积极体验，因此这并不总是为了吸引注意。
The main takeaway of the results of the study, the researchers say, is that sexually motivated women are most likely to have a positive experience out of making out with a girl at a party, so it's not always for attention.
即使是为了吸引注意，那又怎样？别用你的评判来烦我。
And even if it is, whatever, fuck off with your judgment.
我不明白我为什么刚才树立了一个虚假的批判靶子。
I don't know why I just made a straw man of judgment.
我刚才有点消极了，对不起。
That was a little negative of me and I'm sorry.
研究结果还支持了这种在公共场合进行尝试是有益的观点。
And the results also support the idea that experimenting like this in public can be beneficial.
所以继续坚持吧。
So keep on keeping on.
在高中时，我和我最好的朋友接吻过。
In high school, I made out with my best friend.
当然是对男生了。
Fur guys, for sure.
是的，我觉得我大多数时候这么做是为了吸引注意，而我其实很难意识到自己是否真的被这种行为吸引。
Yeah, I think most of the times I did it was like for attention and I think I couldn't really access the part where I was like, yeah, am turned on by this.
我不知道，我还在摸索中，好吧？
I don't know, I'm still figuring it out, okay?
别理我。
Leave me alone.
我们接下来的性新闻：一张新地图揭示了全球平均阴茎尺寸。
Our next item of sex news, a new map reveals the average penis size around the world.
美国《太阳报》报道，你不会喜欢英国和美国的排名。
And you won't like where The UK and US rank, the US Sun reports.
其实是个有趣又无聊的事实，我曾经在《美国太阳报》工作过。
Fun, boring fact actually, I used to work at the US Sun.
来自worlddata.info的德国研究人员分析了涵盖90个国家的40项关于阴茎尺寸的研究。
German researchers from worlddata.info analyzed 40 studies spanning 90 countries on penis sizes.
他们避开了自我报告的研究，因为正如你所知，或者本播客的忠实听众都知道，男人会撒谎。
And they avoided self reported studies because as you know, or avid listeners of the pod will know, men lie.
别相信男人。
Hashtag don't believe men.
以下是这项研究的结果。
And here are the results of the study.
阴茎大小与体重指数之间没有相关性。
There was no correlation between penis size and BMI.
所以有时候你会觉得个子大的人阴茎也大，但以我的经验来看，个子大的人阴茎反而小。
So like sometimes you think a big dude might have a big dick, but in my experience big dudes have small dicks.
真正需要小心的是那些矮个子，他们是短小王者。
And it's the tiny ones you have to look out for are short kings.
不只是矮，而是特别瘦弱。
Not even just short, just like really scrawny.
他们简直像是长了第三条腿。
They have like literally a third leg.
这与这些德国研究者——这些古怪的研究者——之前制作的乳房研究或乳房地图不同。
And this was different than a breast study that or breast map that these German researchers, these kinky kinky researchers created.
BMI较高的女性确实拥有更大的乳房，而且，显而易见，这全是脂肪。
Women with higher BMI's did have larger boobs and like, duh, it's all fat.
你有没有听过说男人的鞋码等于他阴茎的大小？
You know how they say a guy's shoe size is the size of his dick?
好吧，这个谣言被揭穿了，老兄。
Well, myth busted bitch.
这根本不对。
That's just not true.
好吧。
Alright.
全球阴茎的平均尺寸在勃起时为5.3英寸。
The average size of penis globally is five point three inches when erect.
厄瓜多尔拥有最长的阴茎，平均长度为6.9英寸。
Ecuador is home to the longest penis averaging at six point nine inches.
太搞笑了。
Hilarious.
不错。
Nice.
平均长度最短的为3.95英寸，属于柬埔寨。
The smallest length averaging at three point nine five inches goes to Cambodia.
我没法确定美国排在哪里，因为他们没给出具体数字，但我们是5.35英寸。
I couldn't tell where The US ranked because they didn't put fucking numbers, but we were at 5.35 inches.
我还查了英国的数据，因为标题里提到了，是5.17英寸。
Then I also got The UK's just because that was in the headline at five point seventeen inches.
我还查了以色列的数据，因为我是个犹太人，是5.35英寸。
And I'm also pulling Israel because I'm a Jew, five point thirty five inches.
他们和美国的数据其实非常接近。
And they were were actually very close to The US.
还有阿根廷，因为我也是阿根廷人，5.86英寸。
And Argentina because I'm also Argentinian, 5.86.
很不错。
Very good.
我来给你说说前十名和后十名。
I'm gonna give you the top 10 and then the bottom 10.
明白吗？
Okay?
没有人喝倒彩，也没有人喝彩。
And no one boos or woos.
我们只是听完后轻轻鼓掌。
We're just gonna we're gonna clap lightly after listening to this.
好的。
Okay.
男性器官尺寸排名前十。
Top 10 dick size.
第一名，厄瓜多尔。
Number one, Ecuador.
第二名，喀麦隆。
Two, Cameroon.
第三名，玻利维亚。
Three, Bolivia.
第四名，苏丹。
Four, Sudan.
五，海地。
Five, Haiti.
六，塞内加尔。
Six, Senegal.
七，哥伦比亚。
Seven, Cambia.
八，古巴。
Eight, Cuba.
九，荷兰。
Nine, Netherlands.
十，赞比亚，6.21英寸。
10, Zambia at 6.21 inches.
倒数前十：第十是柬埔寨，第九是缅甸，为4.21英寸。
Bottom ten, ten Cambodia, nine Myanmar that was at 4.21 inches.
八，菲律宾；七，斯里兰卡；六，香港；七，孟加拉国；八，泰国；九，越南；十，马来西亚，有健康的4.52英寸。
Eight The Philippines, seven Sri Lanka, six Hong Kong, seven Bangladesh, eight Thailand, nine Vietnam, 10 Malaysia at a healthy four point five two inches.
太棒了。
Yay.
接下来是我们最后一则重磅新闻：一款约会应用的研究发现了令人惊讶的星座约会关联。
And for our last piece of extremely hard hitting news, a dating app study finds surprising zodiac dating links.
96.3 KKLZ 报道。
Ninety six point three KKLZ reports.
我始终会给予记者应有的认可，因为作为一名记者，这是正确的事情。
I'm always gonna give credit to the journalists because that's the right thing to do as a journalist.
这款名为 Dua（拼写为 d-u-a）的新型约会应用分析了其五十万用户，通过他们的生日确定了各自的星座，并分析了他们的行为，比如是否吸烟、是否想要孩子等等。
This newish, I think, dating app called Dua, d u a, analyzed 500,000 of their users and determined their zodiac signs from their birthdays and analyzed their behaviors like do they smoke, do they want kids, etcetera.
顺便说一句，Dua 是一款基于族群的约会应用。
Dua is an ethnic based dating app by the way.
我不知道他们是否也为犹太人做类似分析，我承认我有点偏颇，但以下是研究结果。
I don't know if they do for Jews, I'm like sorry I'm being so biased but And these were the results.
处女座是最受欢迎的星座，其次是射手座和天秤座。
Virgos are the most desired zodiac followed by Sagittarius and Libras.
我可不是这些类型的人。
I am none of those things.
最不受欢迎的星座是巨蟹座、水瓶座和双鱼座。
The least desired signs are Cancer, Aquarius, Pisces.
有意思。
Interesting.
其实这没什么意思，因为我对这些星座一无所知，除了我自己的和我正在约会的人。
It's actually not interesting because I don't know anything about any of these except for my own and whoever I'm dating at the time.
天蝎座和巨蟹座是终极情侣，祝所有配对成功的人幸福。
Scorpio and Cancer are the ultimate power couple, Mazal Tov to anyone in that combination.
天秤座女性和双鱼座男性在约会后最常感到后悔，因此他们会删除匹配对象。
Libra women and Pisces men have dating regret the most, so they delete their matches after going out on a date with them.
或者也许只是匹配后就删除了，因为我不知道他们是怎么知道是否真的约过会的。
Or maybe it's just after matching with them because I don't know how they're supposed to know if they went out on a date.
双鱼座历来因为害怕被拒绝而倾向于从关系中退缩。
And Pisces historically tend to pull away from relationships out of fear of being rejected.
所以这是一致的。
So that aligns.
哪些星座最渴望成为父母？
Which signs have the strongest desire for parenthood?
狮子座领先，其次是白羊座和摩羯座。
Leo's take the lead, followed by Aries and Capricorn.
这对我来说非常有趣，因为我是摩羯座，我一直想上《16岁怀孕》这个节目。
This is very interesting to me because I'm a Capricorn and I always wanted to be on 16 and Pregnant.
而我正在交往的那个人是狮子座，我可以证实这一点。
And the person I'm seeing is a Leo and can confirm.
然后是白羊座，阿瑞尔，我不太了解男生们。
And then Aries, Ariel, I don't know guys.
天蝎座男性最致力于维系一段关系。
Scorpio men are the most committed to making a relationship work.
为你高兴。
Good for you.
所以我去了这个应用的网站，看到有一条评论，是一对夫妇写的：当我们有了女儿，就给她取名叫杜阿。
So I went to the app's website and someone wrote as a review, like a couple wrote, when we have a daughter we will name her Dua.
求你了，别这样。
Please don't.
求你了。
Please.
为什么？
Why?
为谁？
For who?
为什么？
For why?
这是个糟糕的主意。
It's a bad idea.
接下来是莎拉·埃德尔曼。
And now for Sarah Edelman.
她白天在纽约市担任研究科学家，研究生殖健康。
By day she works as a research scientist in New York City studying reproductive health.
晚上她则在全市各地表演喜剧，主持两档月度演出：布什维克的‘迪斯科小憩喜剧’和‘不淑女喜剧’（在Stand Up New York）。
By night she performs comedy all over the city, hosts two monthly shows, disco nap comedy in Bushwick and unladylike comedy at Stand Up New York.
她将担任朱迪·戈尔德的开场嘉宾。
She's open for Judy Gold.
她曾出演过HBO《游戏理论》第二季的两集，你可以在6月30日去Caveat观看她的30分钟幻灯片演示，主题是她主持男性不育人体试验的经历，以及所有受试者如何爱上了她。
She's been on two episodes of HBO's Game Theory season two, and you can catch her on June 30 at Caveat for a thirty minute PowerPoint presentation on her experience running a human subjects trial on male infertility and how all the research subjects fell in love with her.
下面请看莎拉。
Here's Sarah.
你为什么在床上这么棒？
Why are you good in bed?
也许你床上技术很差。
Maybe you're bad in bed.
不。
No.
哦，我不是。
Oh, I'm not.
我觉得你犹豫了一下。
I think You hesitated.
不是。
No.
我正在想一个好答案。
I'm trying to think of a good answer.
我挺愿意跟着感觉走的。
I am like kinda down for to vibe.
如果感觉不好，我也只是为了段子而已。
And if it's not a good vibe, I'm in it for the bit.
所以，不管怎样我都无所谓。
So, it's fine either way by me.
我也不是想说很容易。
I also am I don't wanna say easy.
我有过很多一夜情。
I've had a lot of one night stands.
有多少次？
How many?
17次。
17.
你手机里有清单吗？
Do you have a list on your phone?
哦，有的。
Oh, yeah.
对。
Yeah.
你能马上翻出来看一下吗？
Can you actually pull it up real quick?
我最近刚删了，因为
I actually recently deleted it per
你为什么要这么做？
Why the fuck would you do that?
我觉得我跟男朋友谈了三年恋爱，已经不再需要这段关系了。
I felt like I've dating my boyfriend for three years and I felt like I didn't really need it anymore.
就在三周年纪念日。
On the third anniversary.
是的。
Yeah.
这是我送给你的礼物，亲爱的。
This is my gift to you, sweetheart.
为了彻底放手。
To like set free.
我觉得你应该去查一下你最近删除的记录，可能时间太久了。
I actually I think you should go into your like recently deleted It might have been too long ago.
我去帮你找找。
I'll go look for it.
好的。
Okay.
我的意思是，这对你的后代来说相当重要。
I mean, I'm just like, that's kind of important for your descendants.
对。
Right.
不，你说得对。
No, you're right.
我很多朋友经常说，我会亲他，但不会和他上床。
I A lot of friends I have say a lot of the time, like, I'd kiss him, but I wouldn't fuck him.
但对我来说，这都是一回事。
And to me, that's all the same.
等等。
Wait.
好的。
Okay.
我会和某人发生关系，但不会亲吻他们。
I would fuck someone, but not kiss them.
有意思。
Interesting.
比如，我曾经和一些人接吻过，
Like, I've had I've made out with a
很多吻技很差的人，实际上性能力却很好或很差。
lot of really bad kissers who were really good and bad actually.
我刚才跟你讲过这样一个人。
I was just telling you about someone who was like that.
所以是这样。
So yeah.
有意思。
Interesting.
对。
Yeah.
我觉得，如果我和你相处了超过三十分钟，还不和你发生关系就是浪费时间。
I feel like if I've spent more than thirty minutes with you, it would be a waste of my time to not have sex with you.
好的。
Okay.
你和男人和女人发生关系，还是只和男人？
And do you have sex with men and women or just men?
抱歉。
Sorry.
只和男人。
Only men.
好的。
Okay.
抱歉。
Sorry.
最直的其实是我的
Straightest was my
我高中时最直的评语。
most straight was my high school superlative.
这太糟糕了。
That's awful.
我上的是女子学校。
I went to an all girls school.
但很多
But a lot
女生之间会约会，但这从来不是我的风格。
of girls hooked up with each other and I it was never my MO.
我从未亲过女孩。
I've never kissed a girl.
哇。
Wow.
这所学校的氛围不像天主教学校吗？
This wasn't like a Catholic school?
那是一所全女生学校，但不是天主教学校。
It was all girls, but it wasn't Catholic.
你知道我是犹太人，但很多
Like, know you're Jewish, but a lot
犹太女孩确实会去天主教学校。
of Jewish girls do go to Catholic schools.
学校？有意思。
School Interesting.
在城里。
In the city.
但没错，我从来都对男孩着迷，
But, yeah, I've never I've always been boy crazy
明白了。
Okay.
我一辈子都是这样。
My whole life.
好吧。
Alright.
好的。
Okay.
等一下。
Wait.
等一下。
Wait.
我想进入通信环节。
I I wanna get into the comms.
不行。
No.
求你了。
Please.
我知道你正被精子淹没，周围都是精液。
I know you're, like, drowning in cum, like surrounded by semen.
我喜欢这些头韵。
I love the alliterations.
谢谢。
Thank you.
我读过你的网站。
I've read your website.
精液_median（谐音梗）。
Cummedian.
精液_median（谐音梗）。
Cummedian.
哦。
Oh.
精液_median（谐音梗）。
Cummedian.
我不是在搞搞笑那一套。
It's not like I'm working Silly.
我们正在进行工作坊。
We're workshopping.
我会把这件事做完。
I'm get that done.
你
You
需要喜欢，这样更好，它更
need to like It's better It's
视觉的。
Visual.
这是一个视觉上的视觉体验。
It's a visual Visual.
是的。
Yeah.
不是音频。
Not audio.
对。
Right.
音频。
Audio.
随便吧。
Whatever.
听觉的。
Auditory.
你说感觉很好，但对你来说，什么是好的性生活？
You said that the vibe is good, but like, what is good sex to you?
那你觉得怎么样？
How about that?
我，好吧。
I Okay.
我无法通过性行为达到高潮。
I can't orgasm from sex.
我对此有一整段内容。
I do a whole bit about this.
比如插入式性行为？
Like penetrative sex?
任何方式都行。
Like anything.
真的吗？
Really?
你看。
See.
我真有一整段内容。
I I have a whole bit.
我谈过我是如何在很小的时候用欧乐-B牙刷自慰的，我觉得我只是让自己变得迟钝了。
I talk about how I started masturbating with an Oral B toothbrush at a young age, and I think I just desensitized myself.
好的。
Okay.
爱就是爱。
Love is love.
而且正因为这是一个性教育喜剧播客，我想说，是的，你确实可能让自己变得麻木，但你还是可以恢复的。
And Just because this is a sex educational comedy podcast, I do wanna say that, like, yeah, it is possible to desensitize yourself, but, like, you can bounce back.
我听说过。
I've heard that.
我知道。
I know.
这真是太破坏了
That's so ruining the
我知道。
I know.
我懒。
I'm lazy.
我是说，我是个高效的人。
Like, I'm an efficient person.
如果我用振动器五分钟就能获得一次极爽的高潮，为什么还要再花二十分钟呢？
If I can have a great orgasm from a vibrator in five minutes, why would I wanna take another twenty minutes?
时间就是金钱。
Time is money.
是的。
Yeah.
我有两份工作。
Like, I have two jobs.
我很忙。
Like, I'm busy.
好吧。
Okay.
行了。
Alright.
我们开始吧。
Let's get into it.
等等，实际上。
Actually, wait.
我的思绪飘得太远了。
My mind is going so many places.
没关系。
That's fine.
好吧。
Alright.
先把无性高潮的问题放一放。
Putting a pin in the anorgasmia.
好的。
Okay.
这指的是无法达到高潮的人，而且还有不同类型。
And that means someone who can't cum and there's different types.
聊聊你的日常工作。
And getting into your day job.
好的。
Okay.
你将在6月30日有一场演出。
So you have a show coming up June 30.
天啊。
Oh my god.
是的。
Yeah.
好的。
Okay.
所以我正在准备一个三十分钟的版本，这是我正在创作的一人秀。
So I'm doing so I'm doing a thirty minute version of a one woman show I'm working on.
投影节，一个注意事项，09:30。
A projector fest, a caveat, a 09:30.
投影节。
Projector fest.
投影节。
Projector fest.
酷。
Cool.
由雷德主办，他很棒。
Run by Reid who's great.
这有点讲述一个痴迷男孩的青春期女孩的成长故事。
And it's sort of about how the boy crazy coming of age girl Cumming.
成长过程中，她最终在一家精子银行工作，而这正是我目前的工作。
Cumming of age ended up working at a sperm bank, which is what I do.
我多年来一直从事女性健康研究，后来我获得了研究生学位，当时正在求职，看到一份生殖健康研究科学家的职位招聘信息，于是去应聘了。
I studied women's health research for years and then And I got my graduate then I was interviewing at Jobs and I saw a listing for reproductive health research scientists and I interviewed for it.
那位女士说：顺便说一下，这可能不是你想象的那种生殖方式。
And the woman was like, by the way, it might not be the type of reproduction you're thinking of.
我们正在进行一项精液研究。
We're doing a semen study.
你中大奖了。
You hit the jackpot.
那时正值经济衰退，我不知道该怎么办。
It was a recession and I didn't know what to do.
所以我接受了这份工作。
So I took the job.
什么？
What?
你本来要拒绝这份工作吗？
You were gonna say no to that?
我不知道。
I don't know.
我当时想，这跟我学的东西不太一样。
Was like, I'm mostly It wasn't what I studied.
我只是觉得有点傻。
I just It felt silly.
对。
Right.
好的。
Okay.
对。
Right.
对。
Right.
我刚开始说脱口秀的时候就是这样。
That's right when I started stand up.
我找了所有男性喜剧演员，我的老板说：为什么这个样本中抗抑郁药的使用率这么高？
I got all the male comedians from And my boss was like, why is the antidepressant use so high in this sample?
他们非常失业且沮丧。
It's very unemployed and sad.
这很有趣。
That is interesting.
展开剩余字幕（还有 480 条）
是的
Yeah.
有45位喜剧演员参与了这项初步研究。
Like 45 comedians come for a pilot study.
这项研究叫什么？
On What's the study called?
正式名称是《有机磷农药与健康年轻男性精液质量的关系》。
The official It's called organophosphate pesticides and semen quality in healthy young men.
所以，这不是健康年轻的喜剧演员，不是。
So it's Oh, not healthy young comedian No.
男性喜剧演员。
Male comedian.
不是。
No.
嗯，我被允许随意挑选45个人。
Well, I was allowed to get 45 of whomever I wanted.
哦，但他们只是恰好
Oh, but they were just happened to
是喜剧演员吗？
be comedians?
他们恰好
They happened to
是喜剧演员。
be comedians.
好的。
Okay.
嗯，他们肯定会在你未来的研究中出现。
Well, they're definitely in your future research.
我觉得你应该研究一下男性喜剧演员。
I think you should do something about male comedians.
所以我这么做了。
So I did.
我根据我认为他们有多好看和多有趣，给这45个人打了一到十分的分数。
I ranked all 45 on a scale of one to 10 for how good looking I thought they were and how funny I thought were.
然后我把这些数据输入到我的线性回归模型中，发现了一些非常有趣的结果。
And I put that into, like, my linear regression models, and I found some really interesting stuff.
后来我和我的老板讨论了要展示这些内容，她说我必须填写所有的伦理审批表格，并向每位参与者发送通知，因为这超出了你最初参与研究时所同意的范围。
And then I talked to my boss about presenting this, and she said I would have had to do all of this ethics paperwork and send it out to each participant because that's not what you consented to when you originally started the study.
对。
Right.
所以我得完成所有这些文书工作，还得请律师介入。
So I would have had to do all this paperwork and get a lawyer involved.
我觉得不值得。
I was like, it's not worth it.
那这不就是你幻灯片里展示的内容吗？
So is that not what you're presenting in your slideshow?
不是。
No.
我主要只是在讲我的一些经历。
I'm mostly just like talking about like my experiences.
哦，明白了。
Oh, okay.
比如学到的教训。
Like lessons learned.
好的。
Alright.
其实我的意思是，讲讲抗抑郁药的事，哦。
Well, what I actually meant was do something on antidepressants Oh.
男性喜剧演员
Male comedians
没关系。
That's okay.
还有勃起功能障碍。
And like erection dysfunction.
是的
Yeah.
嗯，其中一个
Well, one of
在我自己做的个人研究中，关于那个。
the in my own personal research that I did on the Yeah.
根据这些喜剧演员的数据，保持勃起的能力与我对你幽默感的评价高度相关，我觉得这有点像大男子气概的表现。
With the data from the comedians, the the ability to maintain an erection was highly correlated with my perception of how funny you are, which I think is like a big dick energy sort of thing.
这太好笑了。
That is so funny.
是的
Yeah.
是的
Yeah.
我试过
Of I tried
去测量
to measure
他们所有的阴茎，但他们拒绝了。
all their penises, but they said no.
为什么？
Why?
我不知道。
I don't know.
但他们的反应告诉了我一切我需要知道的。
But their reaction told me everything I needed.
还有如何
And how
那其实是研究的一部分，为了观察他们的反应
That was part of the study actually to see their reaction
如何
How to
你男朋友对你接触这么多阴茎有什么看法？
does your boyfriend feel about you dealing with so many dicks?
我的第一个参与者就是他。
I mean, was my first participant.
是的。
Yeah.
但我和我的老板一起仔细分析了他的数据。
But my boss and I went over his analysis together.
你当时是怎么说的？要小心。
What was your she was first like, be careful.
他低调地成了整个研究中最能生育的男性。
Was low key the most fertile guy in the whole study.
是的。
Yeah.
哇。
Wow.
这就像
That's like
真的很棒。
It was really nice.
这
That's
特别可爱。
so like cute.
真的很可爱。
It was really cute.
它就像是我所有世界的完美融合。
It was like a beautiful blend of all my worlds.
哇。
Wow.
这就像你们俩像是巴沙里特一样，你们注定要……不。
That's like you guys are like Basharit, like you're meant to No.
我觉得这是Basharit。
Think it's Basharit.
哇。
Wow.
而且我们是的。
And we Yeah.
我不认为他真的介意。
I don't think he really minds.
我的意思是，当我用女性魅力去争取邀约或做事情时，他称之为‘女性魅力’。
I mean, he calls it pussy power when I use pussy power to get booked or do stuff.
你知道的，他支持这一点。
Like, you know, he's supportive of that.
他真是够呛。
He's a lot.
好吧。
Okay.
他是个女权主义者。
He's a feminist.
哦，是的。
Oh, yeah.
好的。
Okay.
你觉得女权主义者和非女权主义者约会怎么样？
What do you think about feminists dating non feminists?
我没什么想法，我不确定。
I don't have anything like I don't know.
我觉得想和谁约会就和谁约会吧。
I think date whoever you wanna date.
我只是觉得你
I'm just like I feel like you
guys会争论。
guys would argue.
比如，那可能还挺有趣的。
Like Maybe that's like fun.
我想是吧。
I guess.
我是说，我曾经和一个非女权主义者约会过。
I mean, I dated a non feminist.
我上一个男朋友。
My last boyfriend.
他来自一个非常宗教的家庭，相当传统和保守，确实引发了一些问题，但我真的很爱他，所以还是愿意和他约会。
He was like, you know, came from a very religious background and he was pretty traditional and conservative and like it definitely caused like I really loved him so I was like willing to date him.
嗯。
Mhmm.
但这引发了很多问题。
But it caused all sorts of issues.
我打算和
I'm gonna talk to
我待会儿跟你聊这个，好吧。
you about this later Okay.
退出播客。
Off the pod.
好的。
Okay.
但就是像谁付钱、之类的那些事。
But just the stuff like who pays for what and like whatever.
比如，我不
Like, I don't
哦，那些是哦。
Oh, those are the Oh.
比如，我不
Like, I don't
不想被期待去做某些事来付钱。
wanna be expected to do x y z to pay for stuff.
根本不在那里。
Not even there.
比如性方面的事啊，对。
Like, sex stuff or yeah.
资金问题。
Financing.
比如各种方式。
Like, the ways.
我不想为这些事付钱。
I don't wanna pay for stuff.
实际上，我什么都付。
Actually, I pay for everything.
我总是付钱。
I pay for always.
我因为你是妈妈。
I because you're a mommy.
我是
I'm
妈妈。
mommy.
我是个妈妈。
And I'm a mommy.
我喜欢当妈妈。
I love to mommy.
是的。
Yeah.
你真的吗？
You do?
是的。
Yes.
我喜欢，呃，我是个控制狂。
I love well, I'm a like I'm a control freak.
我是那种类型的人。
I'm type a.
因为这是一种我能表达的方式，我喜欢扮演上帝。
Because which is a way that I can express my type I like to play God.
而且我那些长期交往的男性，都是我拯救过的男人。
And like the men that I've that I've had long term relationships with are all men I've like saved.
成功了吗？
Successfully?
是的。
Yes.
就像我养育了他们一样。
Like I've And raised
他们都爱上了你。
they all like fall in love with you.
哦，是的。
Oh, yeah.
你和他们都分手了吗？
Did you break up with all of them?
是的。
Yeah.
他们两个都曾试图
And they've both tried
向你求婚。
to propose.
这就是拯救男人的事情，嗯。
That's the thing about saving men Mhmm.
异性恋关系的标签是，他们深深地爱上了你。
Heteronormative relationships hashtag, is that they fall in love with you so deeply.
当你像我和你非常相似的时候，是的。
And then when you're the like, you and I are very similar Yeah.
看得出来。
Can tell.
但也不一样。
But Also different.
但你是A型，我是B型，但核心是一样的。
But you are type a, I'm type b, but the same like core.
是的。
Yeah.
比如，我们只一起在沙发上坐了大约十五分钟。
Like I we've only been on a couch together for like maybe fifteen minutes.
我觉得我们很有默契。
I feel like connected.
对。
Yeah.
但我觉得特别奇怪，我看到的是什么？
But it's very like I'm seeing like what?
这就像
This is like
所以你就像在照镜子？
So like you're looking in a mirror?
是的。
Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
感觉就是这样。
It feels the way.
那个年轻两岁的。
The one that's two years younger.
但，是的，恰恰相反。
But, yeah, the opposite.
好的。
Okay.
总之对我来说。
Anyway for me.
别让我显老。
Don't age me.
是的。
Yeah.
当你到了28岁的时候，就会开始觉得：天啊，我真老了。
I'm at when you turn 28, that's when you start being like, oh, I'm so old.
你正在经历土星回归吗？
Are you going through a Saturn return?
我不知道那到底是什么意思，但我现在就是觉得。
I don't know what the fuck that means, but I'm going People through
你是在问我这个吗？
asking you that?
不是。
No.
只是没人问而已。
It's just like some No one's asking.
理论是每二十八年你会经历一次重大突破或人生转变。
Theory that like every twenty eight years you have some sort of major breakthrough or life change.
是的，我正在经历。
Oh, yes I am.
我28岁的时候，还有28乘以2的那个年纪。
I was at 28 and whatever 28 times two is.
15岁真糟。
15 sucks.
别看我。
Don't look at me.
别指望我做科学实验。
Don't trust me to do science.
如果你知道我有多蠢，你就不会相信任何科学了。
If you knew how dumb I was, you wouldn't trust any of the science.
前几天我搜了下，染色体是什么？
The other day I googled, what is a chromosome?
你不是去哥伦比亚大学了吗？
Didn't you go to Columbia?
读研的时候。
For grad.
那又怎样？
So?
我本科在达特茅斯学院读的。
I went to Dartmouth for undergrad.
是的。
Yeah.
我不知道自己是怎么进这两所学校的。
And I don't know how I got into either of those schools.
你是笑着混过去的。
You laughed your way through.
对。
Yeah.
你迷住了他们。
You charmed them.
是的。
Yeah.
好吧。
Okay.
我不知道我们刚才在聊什么，因为我已经忘了。
I don't know what we were just talking about because I already forgot.
我要继续了，因为我还有很多其他问题想问，好吧。
I'm gonna move on to because I have so many other questions I wanna Okay.
问啊，是的。
Ask Oh, yeah.
对不起。
I'm sorry.
在我们离开这个研究话题之前，你提到这个节目时说，所有的男人都爱上了你。
Before we move on from the research study, you tout the show as like you talk about how all the men fall in love with you.
是的。
Yeah.
而且我
And I
我不想剧透太多，但对那些无法来纽约市的观众来说，嗯。
don't wanna spoil so much, but for the folks back home who can't come to New York City Yeah.
你能分享一些什么样的细节呢？
What are some like details that you can share?
嗯，我的意思是，
Well, mean,
我认为这是一种非常基础的巴甫洛夫式反应。
I think it's a very basic Pavlovian response.
就像你刚射精，然后就看到我。
Like you've just ejaculated and then you're seeing me.
这是立刻发生的。
It's like immediate.
我戴着小手套，穿着乳胶外套。
And I've got my little gloves on, I got the latex coat.
实际上，我需要做的这次访问只需要十五分钟。
And like the visit really only takes fifteen minutes, what I have to do.
比如我要给你量血压、称体重之类的。
Like I have to take your blood pressure and weigh you whatever.
嗯嗯。
Uh-huh.
但整个小时的时段都被预留了，每个男人都待满了整整一小时，向我倾诉心声。
But the room's blocked out for the hour and every single one of the guys stayed the hour and poured their hearts out to me.
我的意思是，他们都离开我的办公室时说，这感觉就像在做心理治疗。
Mean, all of them left my office being like, that felt like therapy.
哇哦。
Wow.
我不知道这是为什么。
I don't know what it is.
我还觉得，当你躺在检查台上，身上盖着纸，我穿着白大褂、戴着眼镜坐在旁边。
I also think it's something like, you're on the exam table with the paper and I'm here with my lab coat on and my glasses.
这感觉就像对的。
And it's like Yeah.
这有点像性感护士的角色扮演。
It kinda feels like a Sexy nurse role play.
是的。
Yeah.
我非常清楚。
I know very much.
你只是在买它。
You're just buy it.
医疗保健。
Healthcare.
我觉得这对他们来说太令人兴奋了。
Like, think it was so exciting for them.
因为他们都是喜剧演员。
Because they're all comedians.
所以我给了他们
And I gave them
全是小猪佩奇贴纸或者像艾摩那样的东西。
all like Peppa Pig stickers or like Elmo.
哦，天哪。
Oh, it's like, oh god.
我喜欢当妈妈。
I love to be mommy.
哇。
Wow.
你简直如鱼得水。
You were fucking thriving.
谢谢。
Thank you.
该死。
Damn.
好吧。
Okay.
所以你喜欢当妈妈，但你想要个爸爸吗？
So you like to be mommy, but do you want a daddy?
不太想。
Not really.
我觉得我真的不
I feel I really don't
喜欢被人指使。
like being told what to do.
我的意思是，有时候我会因为做决定而感到疲惫，如果我男朋友帮我们订了晚餐，或者他说：‘你穿那条我最喜欢的裙子好吗？’，那感觉真好。
I mean, sometimes I get decision fatigue and it's so nice if if my boyfriend just makes a dinner reservation for us or he's like, Will you wear this dress that I love?
有人替我做决定，感觉真不错。
Like it feels nice to have decisions be made for me.
是的。
Yeah.
这确实感觉很好。
That does feel good.
大多数时候，我更喜欢自己做决定。
Most of the time, I prefer to make choices.
而且因为我更挑剔。
Also because I'm more particular.
所以对我来说，花精力做决定是值得的，因为这样我会喜欢我们正在做的事情。
So I'd rather, it's worth it for me to put the effort into making a decision if it means I'll like what we're doing.
好的。
Okay.
在卧室里
In the bedroom
嗯。
Mhmm.
你也是这么强势吗？
Are you just as dominant?
不是。
No.
那就是我的假期了。
That's my vacation.
我就想放松一下。
I just wanna chill the fuck out.
好吧。
Okay.
所以你是受方。
So you're a sub.
枕头公主。
Pillow princess.
是的。
Yes.
枕头公主或者
Pillow princess or
服从者？
a sub?
更偏向枕头公主。
More pillow princess.
我只是不想动。
I just don't wanna move.
好的。
Okay.
在关系刚开始的时候，我有时会更主动一些。
Are you Sometimes in the beginning of relationships, I'm a little more aggressive.
你谈过几段恋爱？
How many relationships have you been in?
我有过三个认真的男朋友。
I've had three serious boyfriends.
好的。
Okay.
然后就像，偶尔会有短暂的约炮。
And then like And then like one night stands in between.
但我从16岁起就一直有伴侣，或者从18岁开始只单身过六周。
But I've only been single since I was 16 or since I was 18 for six weeks.
哇。
Wow.
就像，直接跳进去。
Like, jump.
好的。
Okay.
我无法独自一人。
I can't be alone.
太可怕了。
Very scary.
哦。
Oh.
哦，是的。
Oh, yeah.
我想好好梳理一下这一点。
I wanna unpack that.
但我已经接受了。
But I've accepted it.
我觉得其实可以这么说。
I think that there's Okay.
我觉得社会对连续单恋者有很多评判，我经常跟人说，哦，我经常换男朋友，人们就会问，换男朋友？
I think that there's a lot of like judgment against serial monogamists for being like a lot of times I tell people like, oh, I have like boyfriend hopped and people are like, Boyfriend hopped?
换男朋友。
Boyfriend hopped.
换。
Hopped.
哦，不是被压倒的。
Oh, Not topped.
这不是我的风格。
Not my MO.
哦，男朋友中的主导者。
Oh, boyfriend topper.
好吧。
Okay.
但然后人们会说，哦，你需要学会独处。
But And then people are like, oh, you need to learn to be on alone.
其实，我人生前十八年都是独处的。
It's like, I was alone for the first eighteen years of my life.
在每段关系之间，我都是独处的。
In between the relationships, I was alone.
我不喜欢这样。
I don't prefer it.
而且你对不起。
And do you Sorry.
你看起来很外向，但非常外向。
You seem extroverted, but Very extroverted.
好的。
Okay.
所以你大概从与他人相处中获得能量，而我是个外向者，却几乎从不和别人在一起，这就是我感到如此抑郁和焦虑的原因。
So you probably thrive from being around other people all the I'm an extrovert and I'm hardly ever with people and that's why I'm like so depressed and anxious.
我认为外向者应该一直处在恋爱关系中。
I think extroverts should be in relationships all the time.
完全对。
Totally.
他们应该总是和别人在一起。
They should always be with someone else.
完全对。
Totally.
我和我的初恋男友非常依赖彼此。
My current my first boyfriend and I were very codependent.
比如，我们在大学时是室友。
Like, we were roommates at our college.
我们总是待在一起，形影不离。
We're with each other all the time, peace and cod.
我们在一起待了四年半。
We're together for four and
等等。
a half Wait.
你们是当室友时认识的吗？
You met as roommates?
或者不是。
Or No.
我上的那所大学可以有性别中立的室友安排。
We the college I went to could have, like, gender neutral roommates.
所以，我们在大学时住在一起。
So, like, we lived together in college.
是的。
So, yeah.
在一起四年了。
Were together for four years.
关系非常认真。
It was very serious.
非常认真。
Very serious.
那真的是一种共生依赖。
And that was really codependent.
我现在的男朋友上夜班。
My current boyfriend works nights.
因为要站台表演，我们每周只能见一两次，最多两次。
And because of stand up, we really only see each other a couple one, maybe two times a week.
但你们住在一起？
But you live together?
哦，我们住在一起。
Oh, we live together.
但我们就像夜晚的薯片一样。
But we're like chips in the night.
比如，我每天早上十点出门，晚上一点才从脱口秀演出回家，然后我就
Like, I get home, I leave the house every day at ten and I get home from stand up at like one and I
去睡觉。
go to bed.
然后他凌晨四点下班回家，他经营一家嘻哈工作室。
And then he'll get home at 4AM from work and he'll he's a he works he runs a hip hop studio.
然后他从凌晨四点睡到中午。
And then he'll sleep from 4AM to noon
或者一点。
or one.
天啊，他在床上真的很棒。
Oh man, he's like really good in bed.
他在床上很厉害。
He's good in bed.
他和很多女人睡过。
He's slept with a lot of women.
那他可是有经验了。
Then he'll He's had practice.
是的。
Yeah.
他年纪大一些。
He's older.
对。
Yeah.
然后他就……所以我们就像夜班轮换一样。
And then he So we're kinda like shifts in the night.
好的。
Okay.
是的。
Yeah.
但这样对我而言挺好的，既能独处，又能和他在一起。
That's But it's been good for I'm me to like both alone and with him at the same time.
比如，我得学会接受各种情况。
Like, I have to learn how to like Whatever.
但单口喜剧真的占据了我生活的全部。
But stand up's really taken over my life.
我可以把脚放在这上面吗？
Can I put my feet on this?
我不知道。
I don't know.
海莉？
Hailey?
我确定没关系。
I'm sure it's fine.
是笔记。
Is Notes.
她在写。
She writing
哦。
Oh.
她在做文字记录。
She's transcribing.
她就像法庭书记员。
She's like the court stenographer.
书记员，是的。
Stenographer, yeah.
我也去过了
I also went
去了达特茅斯。
to Dartmouth.
开玩笑的。
Just kidding.
我根本没去。
I didn't at all.
我去了一所十大联盟的学校。
I went to a big 10 school.
她去哪了？
Where'd she go?
印第安纳。
Indiana.
哦，你刚才说？
Oh, You said?
是的。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
但是
But
我觉得，可能只对我而言，印第安纳州是金赛研究所的所在地。
I'm like, I interestingly, only to me probably, Indiana is home to the Kinsey Institute.
你知道金赛研究所吗？
Well, do you know the Kinsey Institute?
为什么听起来这么奇怪？
Why does that sound so funny?
它是顶级的性研究机构之一。
It's one of, the top sex research institutes.
是的。
Yes.
我认识阿尔弗雷德·金赛吗？
I've know Alfred Kinsey?
是的。
Yes.
性研究之父，他主导了上世纪五十年代规模最大、关于女性与男性性行为的研究，非常有趣。
The father of the of sex research, sex He spearheaded, like, the fur the the biggest study on female sexuality and male sexuality in the fifties Interesting.
并在印第安纳大学创立了金赛研究所。
And established the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.
但今年却被一个叫什么的人取消了资助？
But it was just defunded this year from someone called Why?
好像是林赛·苏伊特之类的，管他呢。
Something like Lindsay Suites, whatever suites.
好吧。
Okay.
她说，他当时还把恋童癖者也纳入了研究对象。
And she's like, he included like pedophiles.
这正好引出我想问你一个问题。
This is a good segue to a question I have for you.
但他把恋童癖者也纳入了他的研究，我不喜欢这一点。
But he included pedophiles in his study and I don't like that.
而且人家会说，管他呢，他已经死了，后来也有其他研究，你干嘛还在意？
And it's like, whatever, he's dead and there's been other research like, why do you care?
这真让人难过。
That sucks.
这个过渡正好，好吧。
This segue here Okay.
我想让你给我讲讲《企鹅俱乐部》。
Is I want you to tell me about Club Penguin.
好的。
Okay.
这现在是我最拿手的部分。
This is my best bit right now.
我只是说，这是真的。
I just this is true.
我正在从你身上榨取
I'm milking you for your
最好的部分。这是真的。
best This is true.
这完全是真的。
This is completely true.
我想要一个男朋友。
I wanted a boyfriend.
我不知道去哪里找男朋友。
I didn't know where to find a boyfriend.
所以我注册了一个Club Penguin账号。
So I made a Club Penguin account.
那里人人都在。
It's where everyone was at.
我们都懂。
We all know.
是的
Yeah.
那非常酷。
It was very cool.
为了注册一个Club Penguin账号，我不得不学会所有的乘法表。
I had to learn all my times tables to get a Club Penguin account.
那是我父母的规定。
That was like the rule with my parents.
哦。
Oh.
当你……的时候，那种感觉太满足了。
So satisfying, like, when you
我七的乘法表特别难。
I really struggled with seven.
七？
Sevens?
还有十一。
And elevens.
七乘七？
Seven times seven?
四十九。
49.
是的。
Yeah.
好吧。
Okay.
谢谢，我其实根本不该得到我现在这份工作。
Thank And I really should not have been allowed to get the job I have.
你需要数学吗？
You need math?
什么？
What?
嗯，可以让别人来处理
Well, someone else can take care
这些事情。
of stuff.
别人可以做。
Someone else can do.
我有计算器。
I have a calculator.
没关系。
It's fine.
所以我注册了一个Club Penguin账号，给雪屋里的所有男生发消息，想找个男朋友。
So I made this Club Penguin account and I was messaging all the guy everyone in my igloo trying to find a boyfriend.
你那里有多少人
How many people were
在你的
in your
像你家吗？
Like your house?
还有你那只小斗牛犬，是的。
And like your little pugly Yeah.
海雀或者别的什么。
Puffin or whatever.
是的。
Yeah.
puffin 什么的。
Puff whatever.
我还想去冰钓什么的。
And I'd like go ice fishing and whatever.
这个账号因涉嫌恋童癖被封了，因为冰屋里的其他人都在问：‘你怎么回事？’
And the account was removed under suspicion of pedophilia because everyone else in this igloo was like, how are you?
谁喜欢热巧克力？
Like who likes hot chocolate?
谁想去冰钓？
Like who wants to go ice fishing?
我当时想，谁在这个冰屋子里，年龄在九到十一岁之间，住在纽约开车可达的范围内，是男性，还发了多张照片？
And I was like, who in the igloo is between the ages of nine and 11, lives within driving distance of New York, is male, send multiple photos.
有人回应了吗？
Did anybody respond?
另外你能发一下
Also can you send
照片？没有，没人回应。
photos No, in no one.
我不知道。
That don't know.
没人回应，账号被封了。
Nobody responded, the account was taken down.
我试着申诉，但他们说：不可能是孩子干的。
I tried to like dispute it and they were like, no child would do this.
但我一直这样，我的幼儿园男朋友和我分手时，我把他照片装在保鲜袋里，随身当钱包带着。
But I've always been I mean, when my preschool boyfriend and I broke up, I carried a photo of him around in his ziplock bag, like a purse.
哇。
Wow.
持续了好几个月。
For months.
这真的很可怜。
It was very It's very sad.
你……你在接受治疗吗？
Do you Are you in therapy?
是的。
Oh, yeah.
等等。
Wait.
就是，那个，像是
Like, what's the what's the, like
我这么痴迷男生的原因是什么？
The reason behind my boy crazy?
是的。
Yeah.
她认为我在家里得不到足够的认可。
She thinks I wasn't getting enough validation at home.
比如，我有个弟弟，特别有纪律问题，然后我父母又生了个孩子，而我就像那个可以随时打开就没事的慢炖锅。
Like, I had a brother who was very had a lot of discipline issues, and then my parents had another baby, and I was kind of like the crock pot you could just turn on and it's fine.
嗯。
Mhmm.
所以他们其实不用太操心我。
And so they didn't really have to worry about me.
但不操心的另一面，就是得不到多少关注、表扬或者其他东西。
But the other side of not worrying about is not getting a lot of attention and praise and whatever.
这确实挺多的。
That's like a lot.
这基本上就是激发我独脚戏灵感的最初想法。
That was sort of the initial idea that inspired my one woman show hour or whatever.
哇。
Wow.
但我的治疗师说，好吧，你到处寻找认可，比如去表演单口喜剧，或者成为serial monogamist，或者就是‘你喜欢我吗？’
But my therapist is like, okay, you went looking for praise everywhere you could, I e doing stand up comedy or, you know, being a serial monogamist or being like, well, you like me?
是的。
Yeah.
这很有趣，因为你不仅有过十七次一夜情，还经历过三段非常认真的关系。
That's interesting because you you weren't even just You've had seventeen one night stands, but you've been in three very serious relationships.
也就是说，你依然能与他人建立健康的关系。
Like, you're in You can still have healthy relationships with other people.
我约会是为了结婚。
I date to marry.
这很好。
That's great.
我约会是为了结婚。
You date to marry.
哦，是的。
Oh, yeah.
我不喜欢浪费我的
I don't like to waste my
时间，正如我们讨论的那样。
time as discussed.
那是什么时候停止的？
And when did that stop?
那些一夜情是在这些关系之间发生的，是的。
When did oh, the one night stands were in between these Yeah.
如果其中任何一个有成为配偶的可能，我早就成为他们的女朋友了。
And those were like If any of them were like spousal prospects, I would've been their girlfriends.
那你对伴侣有什么要求？
So what do you look for in a partner?
什么是婚姻对象啊。
What's a spousal Yeah.
就是那种，你觉得自己价值观非常相似的人。
Someone that, like, you feel like you have really similar values.
我知道我想要孩子。
I know that I want kids.
这对我来说是不可妥协的。
Like, that's a deal breaker for me.
嗯。
Mhmm.
我希望我的孩子在犹太教环境中长大。
I want my kids to be raised Jewish.
嗯。
Mhmm.
那是
That's a
对我来说这也是个底线。
deal breaker for me.
哪种犹太教？
What kind of Jewish?
我从小在保守派环境中长大，大概介于保守派和
I grew up conservatives, probably like somewhere between conservative
和#MeToo之间。
and Me too.
等等。
Wait.
你上的是女子学校？
Where'd you you went to an all girls school.
你没上过希伯来学校。
You didn't go to Hebrew school.
你去了贝内·格塞尔恩，那是
Went to Bene Gesserun, which is
就像在
like on
这里的街区。
the block here.
好的。
Okay.
酷。
Cool.
我只是觉得，像我被折磨那样去折磨我的孩子很重要。
And I just think it's important to to like torture my children the same way I was tortured.
这真的能塑造性格。
It really builds character.
真的很有用。
It really does.
真的真的很有用。
It really really does.
这很重要。
It's like it's important.
确实如此。
It is.
我们的目的并不是为了惩罚才这么做。
Like, it's not like we're not gonna do it like to punish.
你会因此心存感激的
It's like you will appreciate
的。
it.
是的。
Yeah.
我现在确实感激，但当时我非常讨厌。
And I and now I appreciate it, but I hated it at the time.
是的。
Yeah.
所以我去了犹太日校，从幼儿园到高三。
That so I went to Jewish day school Oh, from nursery to senior year.
哇。
Wow.
感谢上帝。
Baruch Hashem.
是的。
Yes.
感谢上帝，我的家人有能力送我去上学。
Baruch Hashem that my family could afford to send me to school.
我有三个哥哥。
So have three older brothers.
我们都去上了。
We all went.
我们是保守派抚养长大的。
And we were raised conservative.
你们家里吃 kosher 食物吗？
Were you kosher in the house?
或者是什么程度的？
Or what sort of level?
比如，我不吃猪肉，但会吃贝类。
Like, I don't eat pork, but I eat shellfish.
我们家里是吃 kosher 的，但不会等三十分钟那么久。
We didn't we were kosher in the house, but we didn't wait, like, thirty minutes.
你会把肉和
You mix meat and
奶制品混在一起吃，还是全都
dairy or you all
我们不会混着吃，
We didn't mix it,
但我们会吃，比如，对。
but we would eat it, like Right.
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