《内在优秀育儿法》并非温和育儿

记者和家长们经常问我一个问题：贝基医生，请谈谈温和育儿法。说说温和育儿法吧。说实话，这个问题常让我感到困惑，因为我都不知道该如何确切回答。

So here's a question I get asked a lot from reporters, from parents. Tell me about gentle parenting, Doctor. Becky. Tell me about gentle parenting. And you know, I often am struck by this question because I don't even exactly know what to say.

我的育儿方式、我的'内在美好'理念，在我看来都与'温和'无关。需要说明的是，我并不认为'温和'这个词有什么问题。当我说它不温和时，也不意味着其反面就是对的——既不严厉，也不刻薄。

Nothing about my approach to parenting, nothing about good inside, to me, reads gentle. And to be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with the word gentle. And when I say it's not gentle, I don't think the opposite has to be true either. It's not harsh. It's not mean.

如果要找一个词来描述'内在美好'育儿法和我整个的理念体系，那就是'坚定'。我想深入探讨这点，因为它非常重要——这不仅是语义问题。'内在美好'是坚定而非温和的。我们与孩子相处的许多关键时刻都需要极强的坚定性。

But when I think about a word that describes good inside parenting, and my whole approach, it's the word sturdy. And I want to go into this a little bit because I think it's really important. It's not just semantics. That good inside is sturdy, not gentle. So many of the most critical moments with our kids require intense sturdiness.

比如当孩子在玩伴聚会上失控，周围都是其他家长，我不得不抱起他走向停车场时，他尖叫着'我恨你'、'放我下来'——那一刻的我绝谈不上温和。但同样没有惩罚性，没有伤害性。

The moment when I have to pick my kid up because they're out of control at a play date, and all the other parents are around, and I carry him to the car, and he's screaming, I hate you. Let me down. I don't think there's anything gentle about me in that moment. There's also nothing punitive. There's nothing hurtful.

我认为要在这种时刻保持高效，需要一种深植于心的坚定：角色的坚定、身体的坚定、意图的坚定。这让我联想到飞行员——想象飞机穿越剧烈气流时，你绝对不会想要那种所谓'温和型'的飞行员。

But I think to be effective in that moment, I need intense, grounded sturdiness. Sturdiness in my role, sturdiness in my body, sturdiness in my intention. It makes me think a lot about a pilot. Right? If you think about flying through intense turbulence, and you think about the pilot you might have, I don't want what I would consider a kind of gentle pilot.

'好了各位，我们会解决的'、'你好像很害怕呢'——这种类型完全不符合我的期待。但同样，我也不需要严厉的飞行员。

Alright, everyone. We're gonna figure it out. Seems like you're scared. That to me is not the fit I'm looking for. I also don't want a harsh pilot.

我绝对不想要那种呵斥'你怎么回事？别嚷嚷了！小题大做！'的飞行员。我想要的是坚定的飞行员。对我而言，坚定就是既能保持自我连接，又能与他人建立联结的能力。

I definitely don't want a pilot saying, what's wrong with you? Stop screaming. You're making a big deal out of nothing. I want a sturdy pilot. And to me, sturdiness is the ability to be connected to yourself and be connected to others at the same time.

你能将他人的感受和经历视为真实存在，并在他们的体验与你自身之间保持界限，因此你能理解他们的经历而不被其吞噬。在这种情境下，一个坚定的领航员会说：现在遇到颠簸了。我听到你感到害怕，这很正常。我知道自己在做什么，我会确保我们安全抵达目的地。

You see other people's feelings and experiences as real, and there's a boundary between their experience and your own, so you can see their experience and not be taken over by it. A sturdy pilot in that situation would say, it's turbulent. I hear that you're scared. That's okay. I know what I'm doing, and I'm going to make sure we get to our destination safely.

所以我想谈谈坚定性。我想说明为何内在优秀的育儿方式既不温柔也不软弱。同时，保持坚定并不需要惩罚或后果——纵观人类历史，这些手段从未真正教会任何人任何事。坚定的领导者从不以惩罚作为管理手段。

And so I wanna talk about sturdiness. I wanna talk about why good inside parenting isn't gentle. It isn't soft. And it also to be sturdy does not need consequences or punishments, which have never taught anyone anything in the history of the world. Sturdy leaders don't lead with punishment.

他们不靠后果来领导，也不以摇摆不定示人。在我看来，他们甚至不以温柔为主导。他们凭借清晰的思路、坚定的信念和充分的自信来引领。我深信这正是我们的孩子需要我们展现的特质。

They don't lead with consequences. They don't lead with flimsiness. And in my mind, they don't lead with gentleness either. They lead with clarity and conviction and confidence. And I really believe that's what our kids need from us.

这就是我们今天要探讨的主题。稍事休息后我们继续。我收到大量关于惩罚与后果的疑问，我理解这种困惑。我们从小被灌输这样的观念：如果不给孩子施加后果，就等同于纵容他们的行为。如果你希望孩子成长为正直的成年人，他们必须明白做错事会受惩罚——因为现实生活本就充满惩罚与后果。

And so that's what we're going to be talking about today. We'll be back right after this. I receive so many questions about consequences and punishments, and I get it. We've been raised with this idea that if you're not giving a kid consequences, you're approving of their behavior. If you want your kid to grow up and do an upstanding adult, they have to understand they're gonna get punished because in real life, there are punishments and consequences.

我的看法截然不同。我想通过你的问题来阐明几个非常重要的观点。让我们听听几位不同家长的看法。

I see this very differently. And I wanna go through your questions to illustrate a couple of really important points. So let's hear from a couple different parents.

你好，贝基医生。我有一个三岁的女儿和一个六岁的儿子，我想请教当小女儿辱骂哥哥时，应该给予什么惩罚。我告诉她不允许骂人，这样做不友善，可以生气但不能刻薄。但当她嘴里说出我无法控制的言语时，我不知道该采取什么自然惩罚措施。

Hi, doctor Becky. I have a three year old daughter and a six year old son, and I have a question about what a consequence might be for when my younger daughter calls her older brother names. I tell her that I won't let her call him names and that it's unkind and that she can be mad but not mean. But I don't know what a natural consequence is when I can't control the words that are coming out of her mouth.

这个问题提得非常好。我经常听到类似情况。实际上，我认为我们首先要做的是——我称之为——升级这个问题。在育儿过程中，没有什么比意识到我们提出的问题更重要了。我知道这听起来可能有些奇怪。

This is such a good question. I hear this all the time. And, actually, I think the first thing we need to do is what I'm gonna call kind of upgrade this question. There's not many things that matter more in parenting than noticing the questions we're asking. I know that sounds odd.

你可能会想，不。回答问题不重要吗？其实不是。首先要思考的是，我是否在问自己正确的问题？这里有个问题。

You might think, no. Isn't it important to answer the questions? It's not. It's actually first important to wonder, am I asking myself the right question? Here's a question.

我该给孩子什么惩罚？这么问时，我已经预设了要给予惩罚。对我而言，真正该问的是：我的女儿需要什么？她需要培养哪些技能，才能在感到沮丧或嫉妒弟弟时不说伤人的话？这是截然不同的问题。‘该给什么惩罚’这种问法——

What consequence do I give my kid? Well, I guess I'm already assuming in that question I'm giving a consequence. To me, a question we need to ask ourselves is, what does my daughter need, and what skills does my daughter need to build so that she can feel frustrated or maybe jealous toward her brother and not call him names? Those are very different questions. The question, what consequence can I give?

在我看来根本没有触及我们想要实现的进步或改变。惩罚能让孩子获得下次可用的新技能吗？就像如果我没做好工作项目，老板问‘该给贝基什么惩罚？什么才是自然结果？’我希望能有人提醒我老板：等等，你难道不是希望贝基下次做得更好吗？

Doesn't really in my mind have any understanding of the progress or change we even want to make. Is a consequence going to give a kid a new skill that they can use the next time? It would be like if I didn't do a project well at work, and my boss said, what consequence should I give Becky? What's a natural consequence? I would hope someone would say to my boss, woah, don't you want Becky to do better the next time?

比如，我们该如何教她弥补不足？如何帮助她成长进步？这才是更有赋能意义的问题。让我们一起来探讨：三岁孩子说脏话时，他们的心理状态是怎样的？孩子需要什么技能才能在感到痛苦时，不让情绪通过恶语爆发？

Like, how are we just teaching her what she missed? How are we helping her develop so she can do better? That's a much more empowering question. So let's answer that question a little bit together. What's going on for a three year old when they say mean words, and what skill does a kid need so that they might feel a distressing feeling but the feeling not explode out of them in mean words?

所以我会先选择在冲突之外的时间与女儿沟通——这对成人和孩子都是培养技能的最佳时机。我可能会说：‘有个弟弟真的很不容易，对吧？兄弟姐妹间会产生这么多复杂情绪，真是令人惊讶。’

So what I would do here first with my daughter is talk to her outside the moment. That's always when we build skills for adults and kids. I might just say something like, it's really hard to have a brother. Right? It's amazing how much that can confuse.

孩子们极度渴望被理解。说‘有弟弟很不容易’能让孩子感受到你理解手足关系中那些棘手的时刻。我可能会继续深入：‘我有个难题。有时候我们会对弟弟生气——’

Kids are just so desperate to feel seen. And saying it's so hard to have a brother speaks to your kid's need to feel understood that there's a lot of tricky moments with siblings. I might go a little further. I might say, I have a tricky question. Sometimes we feel mad at our brother.

我理解这种感受，我也是。生气是可以的，但说伤人的话不行。感到愤怒很正常。

I get that. Me too. It's okay to feel mad. It's not okay to say mean words. Okay to feel mad.

我可能会伸出手。说伤人的话是不对的。我可能会看看另一只手。我们能做些什么？然后我可以和我的孩子一起头脑风暴。

I might put my hand out. Not okay to say mean words. I might look at my other hand. What could we do? And then I can work with my kid to brainstorm.

是的，如果你在疑惑，我三岁的孩子能参与其中吗？他们会的。当我们搭建这种能力时，孩子们喜欢激活他们解决问题的能力。所以我认为关键在于，惩罚并不能教会技能。这才是问题的核心。

And yes, if you're wondering, is my three year old going to be able to participate in that? They will. Kids love to activate their problem solving when we scaffold that ability. So I think the key thing here is that consequences don't teach skills. That's really what it's all about.

我并不是说要避免惩罚，因为“这不友善”。虽然确实不友善。但我是一个实用主义者。给孩子一个惩罚并不能帮助他们下次做得更好。如果我们真的致力于改变，就必须致力于教会孩子技能。

I'm not saying avoid the consequence because, quote, it's not nice. I mean, it's not. But I'm a pragmatist. Giving a kid a consequence doesn't help them do better the next time. And if we're really invested in change, we have to be invested in teaching our kids skills.

好的。让我们来看下一位家长的问题。

Alright. Let's go to the next question from a different parent.

你好。我有一个八岁的DFK，我一直在尝试使用Becky医生的方法，在孩子情绪失控时做一个坚定的引导者。在这些时候，我儿子经常会打我，并说我愚蠢和笨。我试图握住他的手阻止他打我，并要求他不要打我，也不要说伤人的话。经过多年错误的方式，我了解到在当下处理这些问题只会让情况升级。

Hi. I have an eight year old DFK, and I've been using doctor Becky's approach in trying to be the sturdy pilot during dysregulated moments. During those times, my son will often hit me and tell me I am stupid and dumb. I try to hold his hand and stop him from hitting and ask him not to hit me and not to use mean words. After years of doing it the wrong way, I've learned that addressing those issues in the moment only escalates things.

我相信我们的新方法帮助他更快地度过这些时刻，并防止完全爆发。但这是我的问题。我该如何回过头来处理这些行为？我觉得我们需要一些惩罚，让他知道这些行为是不对的，但在更平静的时刻再回头处理这些行为感觉效果不佳。而且在他平静下来、表现良好的时候给予惩罚感觉也不对。

I believe our new method is helping him move through those times much quicker and prevent a complete explosion. But here's my question. How do I circle back to addressing those behaviors? I feel that we need consequences so he knows those behaviors are not okay, but it also feels so ineffective to come back to them later in calmer moments. And it doesn't feel right giving consequences when he is calm and doing well later on.

与此同时，感觉我们只是在忽视和纵容不良行为。

In the meantime, it feels like we're just overlooking and giving into bad behavior.

又一个绝妙的问题。对我来说，最触动我的是后果这个概念如何深植于我们的育儿观念中。我们似乎将其视为理所当然。要知道，没有人天生就认为为人父母后，给孩子施加后果是必然手段。

Another excellent question. I think to me, you know, the thing that strikes me is how embedded the idea of consequences are in our ideas about parenting. It's like we've taken them for granted. I know that we weren't born thinking when I become a parent, consequences are going to be the thing I do to my kids or give to my kids. Like, no one was born thinking that way.

我们像接受事实般全盘吸收了这种观念。这正是我想质疑的首要问题——后果论只是人为提出的概念，是有人主张'我们应该给孩子施加后果'。

We've just absorbed it as if it's fact. And so that's the first thing I wanna question. Consequences are an idea. It's something someone put out there. We should give kid consequences.

仅仅因为这种说法历史悠久，并不意味着它始终有效。事实上，当我们审视许多青少年和成年人面临的困境时，这些问题都源于无法调节情绪、自我否定、感到过度或不足。而这些成人期的困扰，往往源自童年时期——当我们最脆弱时无人相助，反而因那些求救行为遭受评判与惩罚。

Just because people have been saying that forever doesn't mean it was ever effective. In fact, if we look at the struggles so many teens and adults have, it all has to do with not being able to regulate your emotions, feeling bad, feeling not worthy, feeling like too much or not enough. Well, guess what? So many of those adult struggles come from our childhood when no one helped us when we were vulnerable and instead judged us and gave us consequences for the behaviors we were engaging, which were just a sign of our desperation and need for help. So when your kid is out of control, your deeply feeling kid or your non deeply feeling kid, you're right.

当孩子处于完全失控的极端情绪状态时，他们脱口而出的话语其实表明其大脑已进入全面防御模式。此时他们正被最原始的脑区支配，感觉正遭受情绪攻击，万物皆成威胁——那些言语绝非事实陈述。

When they're in this out of control, 10 out of 10 dysregulated state, the words that are coming out of their mouth are a sign that they are in total threat mode. They are in the most animalistic part of their brain. They feel like they're being attacked by their feelings. Everything feels like a threat. Their words are not a statement of some truth.

这些言语只是他们被彻底压垮、完全失控的信号。如果我们这样重构问题：当孩子被情绪淹没、被原始脑区控制时，该在他们平静后施加什么后果？说到这里我不禁停顿，或许你也是——因为这种表述方式会让我们困惑摇头：为什么要讨论后果？

Their words are a sign of their overwhelm and feeling of being totally out of control. So if we reframe the question that way, when my kid is overwhelmed and totally out of control and in the purely animalistic part of their brain, What consequence should I give to them when they're calm? I'm pausing, and I I wonder if you are too because I feel like when we say it that way, we shake our heads. Like, what? Why are we talking about consequences?

我们常混淆概念。比如'不施加后果孩子会以为你默许其行为'——这完全是虚构的逻辑。以我自己为例，假设我对丈夫口不择言（同样源于极端情绪状态）...

You know, we conflate things a lot. Well, if you don't give your kid a consequence, they're gonna think that you think it was okay that they treated you that way. Again, and I mean this, it's made up. I mean, I think about myself. Let's say I'm not at my best with my husband.

度过危机后，他可能说'先冷静下来再谈'。重点在于：当人处于10级情绪风暴时，需要的从不是事后惩罚，而是当下被看见和理解。

And I say some words that, you know, I really don't mean again, probably because I'm in a state of threat and feeling like a 10 out of 10. Let's say we get through the moment. Maybe he says in the moment some version of, look, we've got to get through this. We'll talk about this when we're both calm. I don't know.

稍后，如果我们都冷静下来，他对我说些有助于提升技巧的话，比如，嘿，你刚才真的很生气。我不知道。也许我可以帮你，或者既然你已经是成年人了，你可以自己寻求帮助，真正学会如何管理你当时的情绪，这样你就不会再用那些话来跟我说话了。也许如果他继续说，我爱你，我知道你是个好人，我知道你可以改进这一点。我想知道，你是否在想，哇，贝基，你丈夫基本上是在告诉你，你可以那样跟他说话。

Later, if we're calm and he says to me something skill building, like, hey, you were really upset earlier. And I don't know. Maybe I could help you or maybe you could get help yourself now that you're an adult to really figure out how to manage whatever feeling you were having so it doesn't come out in those words you were talking to me. And maybe if he continues and says, and I love you, I know you're a good person, and I know you can work on this. I want to know, are you thinking, wow, Becky, your husband basically said to you that it's okay for you to talk to him like that.

就像，什么样的人真的会有这种感觉？不。当我们处于最糟糕的状态，当我们不堪重负时，我们极度渴望爱我们的人能反映出我们的善良，因为我们自己暂时失去了它。而当他们反而反映出我们的糟糕——你怎么回事？一周不准看电视，尽管这完全有点武断。

Like, what human actually feels that way? No. When we're at our worst and when we're overwhelmed, we are so desperate for the people who love us to reflect back our goodness because we've temporarily lost it ourselves. And when instead they reflect our badness what's wrong with you? No TV for a week, even though it's like kind of totally arbitrary.

我们接收到的信息是，看吧，我真的像我担心的那样糟糕、可怕、有毒且霸道，猜猜怎么着？这只会让那些失控的时刻更有可能发生。我建议在与你的DFK（深度感受型孩子）经历这些时刻后，采取我称之为‘侧门策略’的方法之一，这是深度感受型孩子所需要的。我知道这听起来可能有些矛盾，但我还是要说，因为我亲眼见证这是我和自己孩子（尤其是我的DFK）做过的最有效的事情之一。在她的一些所谓的‘最糟糕时刻’之后，当事情平息下来，我会对她说这样的话。

What we take in is, see, I really am as bad and awful and toxic and overpowering as I worried I was, which guess what? Only makes all of those dysregulated moments more likely. What I would suggest doing after those moments with your DFK is one of what I call the side door strategies that deeply feeling kids need. I know this is gonna sound paradoxical, but I'm gonna say it anyway because I watched it be one of the most powerful things I do with my own kid, definitely my DFK. After some of her quote worst moments, when things have come, I'll say to her something like this.

我有告诉过你我八岁时发生的一件事吗？我——哦，我不能告诉你。哦天哪。我有说过吗？好吧，我看到我弟弟在骑自行车。

Did I ever tell you about this thing that happened to me when I was eight? I oh, I can't tell you. Oh my goodness. Did I okay. Well, I saw my brother riding a bike.

他比我小。我当时——我不知道。我太嫉妒了。你觉得我保持冷静了吗？没有。

He was younger than me. And I was so I don't know. I was so jealous. And do you think I stayed calm? No.

我没有。哦天哪。我妈妈不得不把我抱回房间，你甚至不想知道我对她说了什么。你绝对不想知道。然后我会继续说下去。

I didn't. Oh my goodness. My mom had to carry me to my room, and you don't even wanna know the things I said to her. You don't even wanna know. Then I'll keep going.

我会分享我的屏幕。我恨你。你是最糟糕的。对吧？我在这里做什么？

I'll share my screen. I hate you. You're the worst. Right? What am I doing here?

这为什么有帮助？因为你可能在想，哇，所以你不是给她一个惩罚，而是告诉她你也做过同样的事。是的，没错。

And why is this helpful? Because you might be thinking, wow. So instead of giving her a consequence, you're telling her you've done the same thing. Yes. Yes.

是的，百分之百万的肯定。我正在消除这个时刻的羞耻感。想想你自己，想想你最糟糕的时刻。

Yes. A million percent yes. I'm deshaming the moment. Think about yourself. Think about your worst moment.

想想你最尴尬的时刻。想想，比如你在工作会议上，本该做个精彩的汇报，结果却超级尴尬——裤子掉了，或者说了些根本不是本意的糟糕话。当你和朋友倾诉时，如果像我一样，此刻唯一能帮到你的就是他们告诉你他们也有过类似的经历。

Think about your most embarrassing moment. Think about, you know, a moment, I don't know, you were in a work meeting, and instead of doing a good presentation, I don't know, you got super embarrassed. Your pants fell down, or you said something that was just awful that you didn't even mean, and you're talking to a friend. If you're like me, there's only one thing that's gonna help in this moment. It's if they tell you they basically had the same type of experience.

因为他们真正在告诉你的是：你并没有那么糟糕，你并不孤单，我与你同在。当我们消除情境中的羞耻感，在他人挣扎后与之建立联结时，我们实际上给予了他们所需的连接，让他们开始从困境中爬出来。所以这不仅仅是让孩子感觉好受些。

Because what they're really saying to you is you're not so bad after all. You're not alone. I'm right there with you. And when we de shame a situation, when we connect to someone after their struggle, we actually give them the connection they need to start digging their way out of that hole. And so again, it's not just about helping our kid feel good.

这实际上是在为他们打下基础，以掌握新技能并做出积极改变。嗨，Becky医生。我八岁的女儿（也是个DFK）总是很难管理好自己的物品——给学校笔记本电脑充电、把手套放回篮子，或是芭蕾舞的粉色紧身裤。我们投入了时间和金钱建立结构和惯例，为她的各项活动和学校用品安排了固定位置，但她除非被全程指导，否则根本不会使用它们。

It's actually building the foundation they need to incorporate new skills and make positive change. Hi, doctor Becky. My eight year old daughter, who is also a DFK, just has the hardest time staying on top of her stuff, putting her school laptop on the charger, putting her gloves back in her basket, or her pink tights for ballet. We have invested time and money in setting up structures and routines, creating places for everything that she needs for her activities and for school. But she doesn't use them unless we walk her through the entire process.

所以我们开始觉得，好吧，必须要有后果了。如果她忘了水壶、忘了插电脑电源、没带舞蹈服，她就该承受这些后果。我们该如何让她做好准备撤掉安全网，明确表示‘如果你不做这些事，就要承担后果’呢？谢谢。

So we are starting to feel like, okay, there needs to just be consequences. If she forgets her water bottle, she forgets to plug in her laptop, she doesn't have her uniform for dance. She should just experience that consequence. How do we prepare her to take the safety net out and say, okay, if you don't use these things and you don't do these things, you're gonna feel the consequences. Thank you.

这引发了我对‘后果’这个词的普遍困惑。人们常说：给孩子人为后果（类似惩罚）和让他们体验自然后果（比如忘带水壶时渴望喝水的感受）有区别吗？关于后果，我的总体观点是——接下来会回答这个问题——我认为与孩子互动时，我们持有的心态才是最重要的。心态决定了我们采取的干预措施。

So this brings up a general kind of struggle I have with the word consequences because people say, okay, is there a difference? You're giving a kid a consequence, which is kind of like a punishment, or you're letting them experience natural consequences, which is the feeling you have when you want your water bottle, but you forgot it and your parent didn't put it in your backpack for you. So here's my general perspective about consequences, and then we're gonna get to this question. I think the mindset we're in is the most important thing when it comes to our interactions with our kid. The mindset we're in determines the interventions we use.

关于心态我是这样理解的。你们可能听我说过，我常思考的是‘一个好孩子正在经历困境’，而非‘一个坏孩子在干坏事’。好孩子的本质与他们偶尔的过失行为是有区别的，这关乎心态。但心态还有另一种解读。

And here's how I think about mindset. I think you probably heard me say, I think a lot about how there's a good kid having a hard time, not a bad kid doing bad things. There's a difference between a good kid's identity and there's sometimes bad behavior. That has to do with mindset. But here's another version of mindset.

我常自省：我对孩子使用的语言和内心的疑问，是让我更喜爱并想亲近他们，还是让我产生疏远感？比如当我说出‘后果’这个词时——我该给孩子什么后果？对我而言（这未必适用于所有人），使用‘后果’这个词时，我会对孩子产生抵触情绪。实际上，我对任何要施加后果的人都喜欢不起来。

I just sometimes say myself, the language I'm using about my kid and the question I'm asking myself, does it make me like my kid and make me want to feel closer to them, or does it make me not really like my kid and it makes me want to distance myself? So then I say to myself the word consequence. What consequence should I give my kid? Well, for me, and this might not be true for you, but for me, if I'm using the word consequence, I just don't like my kid. Like, I don't really like anyone I'm giving consequences to.

这个词会激起我的对立感，仿佛对方是敌人。就像如果我迟到或犯错时丈夫在场，他说‘让贝基自己承担后果吧’，这种感觉就像我们站在对立面。

That word, just for me, elicits like a sense of antagonism. I'm like, this is my enemy. And so it makes me think if, I don't know, I was gonna show up late or make some mistake and my husband was around. He's like, I'm just gonna let Becky have that consequence. Again, it just feels like we're we're against each other.

所以这个问题的核心并非传统意义上的‘后果’，不是让孩子承担后果。在我看来，我们讨论的是让生活自然展开——这才是本质。‘让’这个字非常重要，随着孩子长大，我一直在思考这一点。

So what I think this question is really talking about isn't really consequences in that way, letting my kid have consequences. To me, we're just talking about letting life transpire. Like, that's really what we're talking about. Just letting. I think that word is really important, and it's something I've been thinking about with my kids a lot as they get older.

什么是‘让’？比如孩子忘记带水壶，我就让这件事发生；孩子上学前没给笔记本充电，明知会没电，我也让这件事发生。

Letting. What do I mean? My kid doesn't remember his water bottle? I'm gonna let that happen. I'm just gonna let it happen.

我不会干预事件进程。让孩子经历自然的因果循环，不是为了所谓的‘后果’，而是为了让他们在体验中获得改变事态的能力。

I'm not gonna change the course of events. My kid doesn't plug in her laptop before school, and I know it's gonna die. I'm gonna let that happen. I'm just gonna let things transpire. Not because there's a, quote, consequence, but because it's important for my kid to live through the kind of natural arc of events so that they can feel empowered to change that arc of events.

具体指什么循环呢？这位家长的案例很典型：孩子总不充电，过去我可能会唠叨‘早告诉你要充电’...

What what what arc am I talking about? Here's an example from this parent. My kid doesn't charge their laptop. Maybe I've had a history of saying, okay. I said you should do it.

我想我要这么做了。我要给你的笔记本电脑充电。好了，现在充好了。我把它放进你的背包，这样明天之前都不用担心了。

I guess I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna charge your laptop. Okay. Now it's charged. I'm putting it in your backpack, and now it's good until the next day.

情节是怎样的呢？情节是这样的：孩子忘记充电，家长显得不耐烦，家长给电脑充了电。

What's the arc? Here's the arc. Kid forgets to charge. Parent seems annoyed. Parent charges the laptop.

孩子已经给电脑充了电。当我思考事件发展轨迹时——我也鼓励你们这样做——我常想我正试图让自己从这个职责中解脱出来。我不希望我的孩子18岁时，在他们给电脑充电的情节中还关联到我。如果我不希望这样，坦白说，我也不认为这对孩子有好处，对吧？18岁了还依赖我给他们的电脑充电。那么我必须问自己，不是孩子该承受什么后果，而是我在这里的角色是什么？我是在为孩子未来的生活做准备，还是没做准备？

Kid has charged the laptop. Now when I think about an arc of events, and I encourage you to do this too, I often think I am trying to work myself out of a job. I don't think I want my kid when they're 18 to associate me in their arc of having their laptop charged. So if I don't want that for myself, and frankly, I don't think that's good for my kid either, right, to be 18 and be dependent on me to charge their laptop, then I have to ask myself not what consequence should my kid experience, but what is my role here? And how am I preparing or not preparing my kid for, you know, the rest of their life?

水壶也是同样的道理。孩子忘了带水壶，我把水壶放进他们的背包。孩子有了水壶。这是我认为对孩子有帮助的情节吗？我想大家都会同意，这没什么帮助，因为我们想要的情节是：我得自己带水壶。

Same thing with a water bottle. My kid forgets a water bottle. I put the water bottle in their backpack. My kid has a water bottle. Is that not the arc that I think is helpful for my kid, which I think we'd all agree, not so helpful because the arc we want is I have to have a water bottle.

我记得带水壶，自己灌满水，把水壶放进背包。父母完全不参与。那么我就得把自己从这个情节中抽离出来。

I remember my water bottle. I fill up my water bottle. I put my water bottle in the backpack. My parent isn't really involved. Well, then I have to take myself out of the arc.

再说一次，对我来说后果并不在考虑范围内。重要的是韧性、独立性、规划能力。所以如果这对你是个转变——这也是家长在问的——我已经把自己插入了那个情节中。难怪孩子没掌握这些技能，因为我们只是在不断重复由我提供解决方案的情节。我能提前提醒孩子吗？

And, again, consequence for me just doesn't come into the equation. Resilience does, independence, planning skills. So if this is a shift for you, and this is what a parent's asking too, I have kind of inserted myself into that arc. So it's no wonder why my kid isn't gaining these skills because we're just practicing the arc over and over that involves my solutions. Can I give my kid a heads up?

我能用不显得惩罚性的方式来做吗？因为我认为这真的不是目的。目的其实是履行我们作为家长的职责，帮助孩子为生活做好准备。所以，是的，我们可以对孩子说些类似这样的话：嘿，知道我在想什么吗？

And can I do it in a way that doesn't feel punitive? Because, again, I think that's really not the purpose. The purpose is actually doing our job as a parent and helping our kids prepare for life. So, yeah, I think what we could say to our kid there is some version of, hey. You know what I'm thinking about?

有几件不同的事情。你知道的，比如给你的笔记本电脑充电，带水壶，也许还要记得你的作业。问题是这样的，宝贝，我真心这么认为。实际上我是在帮倒忙。

There've been a couple different things. You know, your laptop being charged, your water bottle, maybe it's remembering your homework. Here's the thing. I really mean this, sweetie. I I'm actually doing you a disservice.

短期内，我替你记住了很多事。我记得充电，记得水壶，记得把作业放进文件夹。我知道你有能力记住这些。

In the short term, I'm doing a lot of the remembering for you. I'm remembering the charging. I'm remembering the water bottle. I'm remembering the homework in the folder. And I know you're capable of the remembering.

这就像任何其他技能一样，在变得容易之前都很困难。但我越替你完成这些，你自己练习的机会就越少。而且宝贝，某种程度上，我替你做事也是在暗示我认为你做不到。但我真心相信你能行。

It's like any other skill. It's hard before it becomes easy. But the more I do that skill for you, the less likely you're gonna be able to practice it yourself. And, sweetie, I'm also in some ways telling you that I don't think you're capable of doing it by doing it for you. And I really do think you're capable.

所以我想明确说明，从明天开始。如果我注意到你的水壶没放进书包，我不会去拿；如果发现笔记本没充电，我不会去充；如果看到作业还放在房间书桌上，我不会帮你装进文件夹。我知道这意味着你会遇到诸如‘我没带作业’的情况。

So I just wanna be very clear starting tomorrow. If I notice your water bottle isn't in your bag, I'm not gonna get it. If I notice your laptop isn't charged, I'm not gonna charge it. And if I notice your homework is still on your desk in your room, I'm not gonna put it in your folder. And I know that means there's gonna be moments where you're like, I don't have my homework.

‘笔记本没电了’‘水壶也忘带了’。我向你保证，当你经历这些事后回到家，我绝不会说‘早告诉过你’或‘你得记住啊’。因为这对你来说是全新的开始。

My laptop's not charged. And I don't have my water bottle. And I promise you when you come home after those moments at school, here's what I'm not gonna say. Told you. Well, you gotta remember, I'm really not because this is gonna be new for you.

独立学习任何新技能确实很难，总会遇到波折。所以我会对你说：‘没带水壶是什么感觉？’或‘笔记本没电了？一定很麻烦吧？’我会以这种方式支持你，因为我保证会耐心陪你培养这些能力。这完全是另一种心态。

And learning any new skill independently is actually hard and always has bumps in the road. So what I'm gonna say to you is, oh, what was that like not to have your water bottle or, oh, you didn't have your laptop charged? Oh, it must have been so annoying. I really will show up in that way for you because I promise I'll have patience with you as we help you develop these skills. That is a completely different mentality to me.

这又是一种完全不同的思维方式——不是‘该让孩子承受后果吗？’。还有一点我忍不住要提，在这场对话中非常重要：我们很难忍住不去充电、不装水壶、不整理作业，对吧？这太难了。我们会担心：‘明知孩子要陷入困境’或‘我是不是坏父母？’

It's, again, it's a completely different mindset than should my kid experience that consequence. The other thing, just because I can't help myself, that I think is really important in this conversation is it is so hard for us to not charge the laptop and not fill up that water bottle and not put the homework in the folder. Right? I think it's so hard. We worry, oh, I'm I'm kind of knowing my kid is going into this bad situation, or am I a bad parent?

对吧？如果我的孩子没完成作业，大家就会觉得我是个不称职的妈妈吗？首先，让我们重新明确我们的职责。我们的工作很大程度上是确保孩子在年幼时培养那些在他们长大后、当风险更高时真正需要的技能。无论你现在听这段话时你的孩子多大，也许你在想我的孩子才四岁。

Right? If my kid doesn't have their homework, is everyone gonna think I'm a bad mom? So first of all, I just want to ground ourselves again in our job. So much of our job is making sure our kids develop the skills when they're young that they really need when they're old, when the stakes are so much higher. And no matter how old your kid is right now as you're listening to this, maybe you're thinking my kid is four.

我的孩子七岁了。哦不，我的孩子其实已经18岁，而我一直都做错了。不，你没有。

My kid is seven. Oh, no. My kid is actually 18, and I've been doing this all wrong. No. You haven't.

你的时机把握得恰到好处。无论你的孩子现在多大，他们都会年岁渐长，而风险只会越来越大。所以现在正是时候退一步，不是给孩子惩罚，而是让他们经历需要经历的事情，从而培养那些他们将来必需的独立能力。最后我想总结几点关于后果和惩罚的想法，确保你明白：如果你不施加后果，不给予惩罚，这并不意味着你是个软弱的家长。这绝对不表示你认可孩子的行为。

Your timing is impeccable. No matter how old your kid is now, they're going to be older in years, and the stakes will only be higher. And so this is the perfect time to peel back, not to give your kid consequences, but to let them experience what they need to experience so they can develop those independent skills that they're going to need. I just wanna wrap up with some final thoughts about consequences, about punishments, and making sure that you know, If you don't give consequences, if you don't give punishments, that doesn't mean you're a soft parent. That definitely doesn't mean you're approving of your kid's behavior.

事实上，让我感触很深的一点是，育儿在某些方面是较晚跟上现代化思维的领域之一。想想管理咨询、商业、心理领导力，或是职场中的教练——如果有员工总是忘记项目截止日期或上班迟到，我们都知道惩罚不会让他们更投入工作。同样，如果你对员工说：'嘿，你最近经常迟到，我们是同一个团队的。'

In fact, one of the things that really strikes me is parenting is in some ways one of the later fields to kind of modernize with respect to our thoughts. Right? If we think about management consulting, if we think about business, psychological leadership, if we think about coaching, okay, in the workplace, if you have an employee who's, I don't know, forgetting that their project is due or showing up late to work, I think we know that going to that employee and giving them a punishment is not going to be the thing that makes them more engaged. It also means that if you go to your employee and you say, hey, you've been really late to work. And we're on the same team here.

'我知道你清楚准时上班的重要性，所以一定有什么阻碍了你。让我们一起找出解决办法，我很乐意帮你确保你能做到九点前到岗。' 我不认为会有员工在听完这番话后觉得：'我的老板真是纵容我。'

And I know you know how important it is to be here. And so there must be things that get in your way. Let's figure that out together. And I'm happy to help you to make sure, you know, you can do the things you need to do to get here at nine. I don't think any employee walks out of that conversation saying, my boss really lets me get away with things.

'我的老板太软弱了。' 知道人们会怎么说吗？'真是个高效的老板。' 如果你是个篮球教练，而你的明星球员或任何球员持续上篮失误，我没听说过哪个教练会说：'回你房间去。等你能为球队上篮得分了再回来。'

My boss is so soft. You know what people say? What an effective boss. If you are a basketball coach and your star player or any player is continually missing lamps, I don't know one coach who says, go to your room. Go to your room, and you come back when you can make layups from this team.

'哦，如果你下一个上篮不中，下场比赛我就让你坐冷板凳。' 我不认为有人会觉得这样的教练能激励人心。我们为孩子甚至职业球队想要的教练，是那种会说：'嘿，这场比赛我会让你坐在我身边观战。'

Oh, if you don't make the next layup, I'm going to bench you for the next game. I don't think any of us find that coach inspiring. You know what coach we want for our kids or for even a professional team is the coach that says, hey. You know, I'm gonna sit you down for this game. I'm gonna kind of keep you here with me.

你并没有惹上麻烦，只是遇到了困难。这没关系。我们会在实践中真正解决一些问题。我之所以对你说这些，是因为我相信你。

You're not in trouble. You're having a hard time. That's okay. We're gonna really work on some things in practice. And I'm saying that to you because I believe in you.

我知道有些地方不对劲，我也知道我可以陪伴你一起找出问题所在。我们会做到的。我不认为有人会说，这个教练真软弱。哦，那个教练居然对运动员说漏跑几圈没关系。什么？

And I know something's off, and I know I can be the one with you to help figure this out. We're going to get there. I don't think anyone's saying, what a soft coach. Oh, that coach is really kind of saying to the player that it's okay that they're missing all those laps. What?

这根本说不通。所以让我们把已经融入体育运动中的思维方式，也带入职场和育儿中——当我们谈论年幼的孩子时。我保证这不会导致事情失控，不会培养出被宠坏、觉得可以为所欲为的任性孩子。当然，我们的孩子需要界限。

That doesn't even make sense. So let's bring the thinking that we've already incorporated into athletics, into the workplace, into parenting where we're talking about our small children. I promise it doesn't lead to things going off the rails. It doesn't lead to spoiled, entitled kids who feel like they can act the way they want to act. Of course, our kids need boundaries.

他们需要我们坚定地介入，需要我们阻止他们做出危险行为。然后他们需要我们帮助培养技能。他们需要练习，而且永远、永远、永远需要我们看见不良行为背后那个本质善良的孩子。让我们一起彻底改变育儿方式吧。

They need us to step in with sturdiness. They need us to stop them from engaging in behaviors that are dangerous. And then they need us to help them build skills. They need practice, and they always, always, always need us to see the good kid under the bad behavior. Let's revolutionize parenting together.

感谢收听。要分享故事或向我提问，请访问goodinside.com/podcast。你也可以发送邮件至podcast@goodinside.com。育儿是世界上最艰难也最重要的工作。父母们理应获得资源和支持，这样才能感到充满力量、信心和联结。

Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com/podcast. You could also write me at podcast@goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected.

我非常激动地向大家介绍Good Inside会员计划——首个将可信内容和专家资源与全球价值观相同的家长社区结合的平台。这完全是颠覆性的。Good Inside with Doctor Becky节目由Jesse Baker和Eric Newsom在Magnificent Noise制作，制作团队成员包括Sabrina Farhi、Julia Natt和Kristen Muller。

I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership, the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's totally game changing. Good Inside with Doctor. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Natt, and Kristen Muller.

我还要感谢Erica Belsky、Mary Panico以及Good Inside团队的其他成员。最后在结束前，让我们把手放在心口提醒自己：即使我正经历挣扎，即使外表看起来处境艰难，我的内在始终是美好的。

I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.