002. 认识自我价值：复杂性创伤后应激障碍幸存者指南

你好，你好，你好，欢迎来到CPTSD医学播客。

Hello, hello, hello and hello, and welcome to the CPTSD Medicine Podcast.

如果我们还没有机会见面或直接合作过，我是坦纳。

If we haven't had the pleasure of meeting each other or working with each other directly yet, I am Tanner.

我是CPTSD医学的创始人，一名三级IFS治疗师，也曾是健康与人类发展系的应用发展心理学副教授。

I am the founder of CPTSD Medicine, a level three IFS practitioner, and a former associate professor of applied developmental psychology in the Health and Human Development Department.

我非常感激是算法或朋友推荐让我们在这个播客中相遇。

And I am just so grateful that the algorithm or a personal referral connected us in this podcast space.

如果你是播客的长期听众，或是最近才开始连续收听的听众，我非常感谢你持续回来。

If you are a longtime listener or a recent binge listener of the podcast, I am so grateful you keep returning.

时间是非常宝贵的资源，你愿意将它投入于与CPTSD医学共同探索创伤疗愈，这对我来说意义非凡，是一种莫大的荣幸。

Time is such a precious resource, so the fact that you are devoting it to your CPTSD resolution in communion with CPTSD medicine means the world to me, and it is a great, great honor.

你知道，2025年对我来说一直非常紧张。

You know, all of 2025 has been intense for me.

你知道，自2020年以来，我的旅程中也经历过其他阶段，那时我刚了解到复杂创伤，并正处于积极的CPTSD疗愈过程中。

You know, there's been other periods of my journey since 2020, you know, when I learned what complex trauma was and I was in active CPTSD resolution.

你知道，对我而言，这真正关乎于在更深的层面上体现真我，并围绕这种真我的体现来重塑我的生活。

You know, this has really been about embodiment of true self at some much deeper level for me and really aligning my life around that embodiment of true self.

对大多数人来说，这是一个持续多年的历程。

And that's a multi year process for most humans.

我们开始CPTSD疗愈之旅时，几乎完全被创伤能量所裹挟，以一种持续的生存模式运行着这些创伤能量。

We begin our CPTSD resolution journey blended almost entirely with trauma energies, running those trauma energies in a survival mode that is in your constant state.

而当我们卸下这些创伤能量，接触、增强并净化我们内在的本真能量时，这本身也具有独特的挑战性。

And then as we unburden those trauma energies and access and amplify and purify our native self energy, that's challenging in its own unique way.

但一旦我们揭示了真我，学会实践自我领导以巩固真我，并且在生活中清理到足以允许我们以真实、真诚、一贯的方式体现真我时，最大的转变就会获得初步的稳定。

But then once we reveal true self and we learn how to practice self leadership to fortify that true self, and then we are granted permission and we clean things up enough in our life to begin embodying true self in an authentic, genuine, consistent way, there's some initial stabilization of the biggest shifts.

但随后还会有更深层的持续稳定过程——那就是：我现在该如何重建我的生活？

But then there's this ongoing deeper stabilization of, well, how am I rebuilding my life now?

而很多这些事情并不会瞬间发生。

And a lot of those things do not happen instantly.

你知道，有些种子需要六个月到一年才能发芽，你还需要将生活中重大的方面与你的内在真正对齐。

You know, there are seeds that you plant that take six months to a year and there, you know, there's bringing big things into alignment with your life.

现在我以一位48岁女性的身份谈论这个话题，我经历过第二次婚姻，两次结婚时都处于生存模式，有继子女和亲生子女，还有自己的事业。

Now I'm speaking to this topic as a 48 year old woman who, you know, is in a second marriage and gotten married twice in survival mode with stepchildren and biological children and a career.

所以，解开、逆转、精炼的过程都非常激烈。

So the unwinding, the undoing, the refining, it's intense.

随着我越来越深入地探索，我真正意识到，CPTSD的疗愈其实有一个非常理想的窗口期。

And you know, as I'm deepening into this, I'm really recognizing that, you know, there is this really optimal window for CPTSD resolution to take place.

当你足够成熟，离开原生家庭足够久，开始意识到那些关系模式并非只是倒霉或会自行消失的阶段，也不是‘只要找到对的人’就能解决的问题。

It's when you are old enough and been out of your house or your childhood house for long enough that you're starting to see the relational patterns as not bad luck or a phase you'll grow out of or, you know, I just need to find the right partner.

你已经足够成熟，能意识到：‘天啊，有问题。’

You're kind of old enough to recognize, oh, fuck.

这里存在一种模式，而我才是那个始终不变的变量——我一直在给这个方程式带来某种无法忽视的东西，但你尚未做出那些具有长期深远影响的伴侣和育儿决定。

There's a pattern here, and I'm the consistent variable, like I am bringing something to this equation that I cannot ignore, but you have yet to make partnering and parenting decisions that have long term enduring consequences.

因此，最近我在CPTSD疗愈领域不断思考：我们该如何、在何时向那些在表面上已经取得成功的年轻专业人士传递信息、定位并干预？

And so I'm really playing around lately in CPTSD medicine of, you know, how and when do we message and target and treat the young professionals that have made it in some senses on paper.

他们拥有学位、有工作，也具备一定程度的经济保障，但在结婚、生子之前，如何帮助他们解决CPTSD，让这些人生选择不是出于生存模式，而是源于对真实自我的践行？

You know, they have the degree, they have the job, they, you know, have some level of financial security, but before they get married, before they have children, you know, how are they able to resolve their CPTSD so that those choices are made not in survival mode, but through an embodiment of true self.

这确实是一种我最近非常关注的预防框架。

It truly is kind of this prevention framework, that I'm really drawn to lately.

因此，这与我在播客中一直推广的一个免费资源有关，那就是：为什么这种事情会发生在我的身上？

And so, you know, this relates to one of the free offers that I've been advertising on this podcast, which is this, why is this happening to me?

你在被分手后，寻求并寻找答案。

You seeking and finding answers after you've been broken up with.

而这真的关乎这个关键窗口期。

And this is really about this window.

所以，如果你是一位年轻专业人士，最近刚经历分手，心碎不已，正在转向CPTSD疗愈方法、各种指南和治疗师，希望有人能帮你理解这一切，你再也不想感受这种痛苦，你知道自己需要疗愈，感觉快要崩溃，无法相信对方竟然离开了你，那么我鼓励你立即报名参加。

So if you are a young professional and you've just recently been broken up with and you're heartbroken and you're turning to CPTSD medicine and other guides and therapists to be like, help me make sense of this, I don't ever want to feel this way again, I know I need healing, I feel like I'm losing my mind, I can't believe this person walked away from me, help, then I'm going to encourage you to opt in.

因此，无论是个人还是专业层面，我最近深入探索的正是这个理想时机——CPTSD疗愈能够触及的最佳窗口期。

So that is like personally and professionally, what I've really been deepening into is this ideal, the optimal window for CPTSD medicine to reach.

然后，就是如何延续这种打破循环、成为家庭支柱的传承性工作，思考多代人的问题，以及我们在人生不同阶段各自需要什么。

And then just, you know, how do we hold this legacy work of the cycle breaker and the householder and thinking about multiple generations and, you know, what we each need at different points in time.

我已经真正地现身说法，为和我一样在四十岁左右、或稍早或稍晚一些、已经做出许多人生决定的人提供支持。

And I've really, you know, shown up and served others like me in their forties and, you know, either a little bit earlier or a little bit later, having already made a lot of decisions.

我只是在想，这是否是CPTSD疗法最理想的干预和传播窗口。

And I'm just wondering if that is the most optimal window for CPTSD medicine to target and message.

所以我正在探索这一点，深入思考，并对此产生好奇。

So I'm just exploring that, leaning into that, getting curious about that.

好的。

All right.

我们到了。

Here we are.

那么，好吧，我想深入探讨核心内容。

So, okay, so I want to deepen into the core contents.

我将转向我列出的治疗CPTSD的治疗师最常见的十大投诉，其中第一项是慢性取悦他人和边界感薄弱。

I'm just going to shift to my list of the top 10 therapist complaints for those that treat CPTSD, and this is chronic people pleasing and poor boundary setting.

因此，治疗师常报告的挫败感在于，他们的来访者难以将治疗中练习和讨论的边界设定技能应用到现实生活中，这是因为对被拒绝或冲突的深层恐惧。

So the frustration that therapists often report related to this is there's difficulty in their clients in translating the boundary setting skills that they practice in session, they talk about in session into real life situations because of a deep fear of rejection or conflict.

好的，让我们深入探讨这一点。

All right, so let's deepen into this.

所以我想说的第一点是，作为一个过去经常消耗大量‘毁灭性能量’并曾被诊断为边缘型人格的人，我认为以今天的标准来看，我可能不再符合这个诊断了，但我想保持透明。

So the first thing I want to say, so as someone who in the past has run a lot of I will destroy energy and has received a borderline personality diagnosis, I don't think I would qualify for that today, but you know, I want to be transparent.

直到我成为CPTSD疗愈指导者之前，我从未真正理解过讨好型行为。

I think I have not understood people pleasing until I became a CPTSD resolution guide.

我开始深入研究CPTSD疗愈方案，是因为我觉得在疗愈领域中，人们对讨好型行为存在一种刻板印象。

I started deepening into the CPTSD medicine healing protocol because I think people pleasing has a stereotypical kind of view of it in the healing space.

我们通常认为讨好型人格就是‘顺从者’——就是那种‘是是是，我不敢发声，总是被踩在脚下，像个地毯，只满足别人的需求，从不考虑自己，也不被允许拥有自己的需求’的人。

So we often think of people pleasers as our fawns, as our ones that are like, oh yes, like I don't speak up, I just get walked all over, I'm a doormat, you know, I just do what everyone else wants, but I never think of myself, I'm not allowed to have my own needs.

所以我想肯定这一点，因为这确实是讨好型行为的一种表现。

And so I want to validate that because obviously that's people pleasing.

但我想让我们更深入地探讨一种更普遍的体验——它不一定总是表现为上述样子，却同样涵盖了这种类型的讨好行为。

But I want us to deepen into the most universal experience that doesn't always look like that, but also accounts for that kind of people pleasing.

但还有一大类未解决CPTSD的人，包括我自己在内，常常很爱表达意见，经常被说成具有攻击性、霸凌、操纵或专横。

But there is a whole subset of humans with unresolved CPTSD, of which I am one, that, you know, often speak up a lot, often have been called aggressive or a bully or manipulative or bossy.

我们会说：‘我可不认同讨好型人格，因为主流媒体呈现的那种形象，我根本不是那样的人。’但事实上你就是，我想帮我们所有人看清背后真正的根源。

And we would be like, well, I don't identify with people pleasing because the way that's presented in mainstream media, like I'm not that, but yet you are that, and I want to help us all see what's underneath.

而这正是边界设定不良的核心所在。

And this is really where it comes to the poor boundary setting.

因此，这是我们所有未解决复杂创伤者的普遍经历，也是我们常常被侵犯、被利用、关系往往以糟糕方式收场的原因。

So this is the universality of us all with unresolved complex trauma and why we often get violated, we often get taken advantage of, our relationships often end in very poor ways.

你知道，我们并不擅长处理关系，而这与边界这个概念密切相关。

You know, we just don't do relationships well, and it really relates to this concept of boundaries.

但我确实想深入探讨这一点，因为我觉得关于边界的一些教导在应对CPTSD时是错误且误导的。

But I do want to deepen into it because there's a lot of boundary teachings that I feel are off and misguided when it comes to CPTSD.

所以我想首先澄清一点——这可能适用于我们本季讨论的所有内容，但我怎么强调都不为过：如果你正在与客户合作，或者你自己是未解决CPTSD的个体，又或者你与一位未解决CPTSD的人有亲密关系，当对方没有活在身体里时，想要在复杂创伤的疗愈上取得任何有意义的进展都会非常困难。

So the very first caveat I want to make, and this probably is across everything we're going to talk about in this season, but I can't say it enough, so I want to say it again, that if you are working with a client or if you are a human with unresolved CPTSD or you're partnered with somebody with unresolved CPTSD, it's going to be very challenging to get anywhere that is meaningful in resolution of complex trauma when somebody is not in their body.

当一个人没有活在身体里时，意味着他们所有的能量都集中在头脑中。

So when somebody is not in their body, it means all of their energy is in their mind.

一切都很认知化。

Everything is very cognitive.

一切都很理智化。

Everything is very intellectual.

一切都是以思维为中心的。

Everything is very mind based.

当一切都集中在思维上，而身体没有任何感受时，关系往往会变得非常交易化、流于表面。

And when everything is very mind based and nothing is really happening in the body, it tends to be very transactional, very surface level.

真正需要发生的是能量回归身体。

And what needs to happen is an energetic return to the body.

我正在感受情绪。

I'm feeling feelings.

我的关系中有一种感官体验。

There's a sensory experience to my relationships.

当我拥抱某人时，这不仅仅是一个认知性的脚本。

When I hug someone, it's not just this cognitive script.

好吧，我正在拥抱某人，但这是肌肤与肌肤的接触。

Okay, I'm hugging somebody, but it's this skin to skin.

天啊，拥抱某人感觉如此美妙、充实——不是性刺激的那种，而是一种滋养性的感受，我无比感激能获得这种人类的触碰和连接。

Oh my gosh, this feels so yummy and juicy to hug somebody, not in a sexually stimulating way, but in a nurturing, I'm so grateful to receive this human touch and this human connection.

这就是身在身体中的含义。

That's what being in your body means.

当有人在你面前表达痛苦时。

It's when someone is expressing suffering in your presence.

你不会去扫描亲密关系的脚本，想着：等等，我现在该说什么？

You're not kind of scanning the scripts of intimacy to be like, wait, what should I say now?

而是真正与他们一同感受那些情绪。

But you're actually feeling the feelings with them.

这是一种共情的体验，但你不会融合或吸收那种能量。

There's an empathic experience, but you're not merging or taking that energy on.

这是一种能量上的区分，但你依然能够真正对别人的痛苦产生共情和慈悲。

There's this energetic differentiation, but you're able to really be empathic and compassionate towards somebody else's suffering.

但你也能对自己过去的错误感受到这种情绪。

But you also can feel that for yourself past mistakes you've made.

你对自己也怀有这种慈悲。

You feel that compassion towards yourself.

因此，这是CPTSD康复中的一个极其关键的里程碑，因为所有的一切都由此展开。

And so that's a really, really critical milestone in CPTSD resolution because everything basically unfolds from there.

我的经历是，我花了将近两年时间进行以认知为基础的内在家庭系统疗法。

So my story is that I spent pretty much two years doing very cognitively based internal family systems work.

这确实帮助我在康复之路上取得了很大进展。

And it did get me far in my recovery.

我的意思是，第一个课程——五个疗愈力循环，就是从那个状态中创作和通灵而来的。

I mean, the first curriculum, the five circuits of healing power was authored and channeled from that space.

这其中有一种温柔。

And, you know, there's a tenderness in that.

其中也有一种赤裸裸的真实感。

There's a rawness in there.

这种状态充满力量，因为五个循环对部分工作的精准把握被极其细腻地呈现出来；而当时我完全处于头脑主导和认知层面，这使得最初的五个疗愈力循环课程得到了极好的体现。

There's a potency in that because the precision of the parts work is captured so exquisitely in the five circuits because I was so mind based and cognitive at that point in time that it did serve that original five circuits of healing power curriculum really, really well.

但在康复旅程进行到大约两年时，我意识到，没有活在身体里，正在阻碍我释放更深层的代际模式、更深层的遗留负担以及更深层的关系疗愈。

But at some point about two years into my resolution journey, I recognized that not being in my body was creating a barrier towards unburdening deeper lineage patterns, deeper legacy burdens, and deeper relational healing.

它开始逐渐缓解日常最剧烈的症状，但还没有触及根本原因。

It was starting to kind of penetrate the most acute symptoms day to day, but it wasn't operating at root cause level.

所以我这么说，是为了强调我在这档播客中要说的每一件事，都假定了一种回归身体的导向，正是这种回归在引领这项工作。

So I just say that to emphasize everything that I'm going to say in this podcast really does assume kind of a return to the body that is guiding this work.

这涉及另一个关于回归身体的系列内容，它被纳入了CPTSD疗愈方案中。

So that's a whole other series about returning to the body and that's in the CPTSD medicine healing protocol.

它深深植根于CPTSD疗愈方案所提供的各种治疗方法中。

It's deeply embedded in the treatments that complex, that CPTSD medicine offers.

但在这里，我快速分享一个非常实用的入门方法：在你一天中的某个时刻暂停一下，扫描你的身体，留意你的能量主要集中在哪个部位？

But what I will say here on the podcast quickly is one really practical way to begin this work is, if you just pause momentarily throughout your day and just scan your body and notice where is my energy predominantly located?

然后试着把你的能量从头脑中拉下来，贯穿整个身体，经过喉咙、胸部、腹部、臀部，一直到膝盖、脚踝，直至脚趾，检查你的能量是否能在全身均匀分布。

And just see if you can pull your energy down from your mind throughout your body, down through your throat, through your chest, through your belly, through your hips, you know, all the way down through your knees, through your ankles, through your toes, and just check to see if your energy can be evenly distributed throughout your body.

你也可以在一天中多次自问：我对这件事感觉如何？

You can also check throughout the day, how am I feeling about this?

如果你发现，通过这种有意识的提示，你能够接触到一些情绪，而在此之前你根本没意识到自己有这样的感受，这就表明你的身体疗愈工作还有更多空间可以深入。

And if you notice you're able to access feelings with this intentional prompt, but you weren't aware that you were feeling that way until you paused and asked yourself that prompt, that is a good indication that there is some more in your body work to be done.

好吧，让我们回到讨好他人和界限这个话题。

All right, so let's get back to this people pleasing and the boundaries.

我们在关系中迷失自我、被人利用、关系以糟糕收场，以及感到关系让我们精疲力尽，都是因为我们尚未真正理解自己作为人的价值，或者只部分理解了自己的价值。

So where we lose ourselves in relationships and we get taken advantage of and relationships end poorly and you know, we're feeling exhausted by our relationships is when we haven't yet understood our own value as a human, or we have a partial understanding of our value as a human.

而这种价值与为他人促成事情紧密相关。

And that value is really tied to making things happen for other humans.

这是一种非常注重行动、成就导向的‘我必须’的能量。

It's a very doing achievement, kind of I must energy.

我有价值，因为我能把整个房子从上到下打扫干净。

I'm valuable because I can clean this house top to bottom.

我有价值，因为我承担了所有育儿的责任。

I'm valuable because I take over all the responsibility for childcare.

我有价值，因为我总是承担团队里那些没人想要做、也不会得到认可的任务。

I'm valuable because I always do the tasks on the team that you don't get credit for and no one wants to do.

我有价值，因为我总是负责策划派对、度假或礼物。

I'm valuable because I always plan the party or the vacation or the gifts.

所以我们可能对自己价值有一种片面的认识，但这种认识基于我们能为他人做什么，而不是我们作为拥有天赋、直觉、欲望、创造力、动力、心灵、联结、同情心，以及独特看待世界方式的神奇生命所固有的价值。

So we may have a partial sense of our value, but it's around what we can do for others, not our innate worthiness as a magical creature that's an energetic being with gifts and intuitions and desires and creativity and drive and heart and connection and compassion and, you know, a way of seeing the world that's unique.

我所说的正是这种价值。

That's the kind of value I'm talking about.

你的神圣蓝图、真实的自我、真正的本质——这个世界如果没有我，就不会是同一个样子。

Your sacred blueprint, your true self, your true essence, this sense of the world would not be the same without me.

当我走进一个房间时，我不需要做任何事。

When I enter a room, I don't need to do anything.

我只是这个神奇的能量星座或组合的调音叉或校准通道。

I'm simply a tuning fork or a calibration portal for this magical constellation or composition of energies.

这是一种非常美好的看待你价值的方式，它可能包含一些你将采取的行动，但并不完全定义为为他人做事。

That's a really beautiful way of seeing your value that might entail some actions you would take, but it's not exclusively defined as doing things for others.

我们在CPTSD疗愈方案中常用的一句最爱的箴言，就是解开‘我只有在上一次表现良好时才有价值’这种观念。

One of my favorite mantras that we work with in the CPTSD Medicine Healing Protocol is just unwinding this sense of I'm only as good as my last performance.

因此我们注意到，许多边界设定不良或在关系场中无法认知自身价值而导致被侵犯的问题，都源于这种对自我价值的根本性误解，而这种误解更深层地源于我们并未真正完全安住于身体中，未能与全部十一种自我能量充分联结，也未能觉察到自己真正的自我蓝图。

So we noticed that a lot of poor boundary setting or an inability to know our value in the relational field that leads to violations stems from this very foundational lack of understanding of our value that stems even more foundationally from us not actually being in our body fully communing with all 11 self energies, not being aware of our true self blueprint.

所以我们还没有展现真实的自我。

So we haven't revealed our true self yet.

因此，我们不了解自己的价值也就不足为奇了。

So it's no wonder we do not know our value.

我们背负着创伤能量的负担。

We have a burden system with trauma energies.

我们被煤气灯操纵，被长期塑造。

We've been gaslit, we've been conditioned.

这很有挑战性。

So that's challenging.

因此，很多疗愈工作都旨在触及这个根本原因。

So that's a lot of the resolution work is to get at this root cause.

如果你是一名治疗师，正试图帮助来访者设立界限，或者你是一个有未解决的复杂创伤的人，正试图设立界限，但你尚未完成关于展现真实自我的CPTSD疗愈里程碑。

So if you're a therapist and you're trying to help a client set boundaries, or you're a human with unresolved complex trauma, and you're trying to set boundaries, but you haven't milestones of CPTSD resolution around revealing your true self.

如果没有创伤和外界塑造，你本该成为怎样的人？

Who are you meant to be without the trauma and conditioning?

你的神圣蓝图是什么？

What is your sacred blueprint?

你的魔力是什么？

What is your magic?

你的本源能量是什么？

What is your native energy?

如果你没有通过卸下创伤能量来真正强化自己真实的一面，那么建立有效且切实可行的界限就会非常困难。

And you haven't really fortified that version of your true self for yourself through unburdening trauma energies, it's really challenging to set boundaries that are effective and embodied.

你知道，你可以说出那些话，试着把它们表达出来，但它们只是空洞的言辞，因为它们没有被你真正内化。

You know, you can say the words and kind of put them out there, but they're just words because they're not embodied.

所以，有一件事——这属于更高级的教导，但我还是在这里提一下：一旦你真正回到身体里，认识并活出你的真我，你就几乎不需要再用语言明确地设定界限了，因为你的能量本身就会说话。

And so one of the things that, you know, this is a more advanced teaching, but I'll just place it here is like, once you're in your body, you know your true self, you're embodying your true self, you hardly ever need to actually explicitly in words, set a boundary because your energy speaks for itself.

人们会自然而然地觉得：天啊，当然他们不会参与那种事。

People are just like, oh my gosh, like, of course they wouldn't be available for that.

就像，我只是知道他们不会那样做。

Like, that's just like, I just know they wouldn't.

所以，你知道，这之间的区别在于，以前人们经常在Instagram上给我发私信，请求免费的指导或建议，用不太恰当的说法，就是把他们的创伤故事一股脑儿倒给我。

So, you know, this is the difference between, you know, people used to show up in my DMs all the time on Instagram, asking for free coaching or free advice, you know, kind of for lack of a better term, trauma dumping these stories on me of their trauma.

当我用言语设定界限时，他们就会对我非常无礼。

And then when I would set a boundary in words, they would be very rude to me.

但现在这种情况再也不会发生了。

That never happens now.

如果有人现在给我发私信，他们会说：我想和你合作。

If people show up in my DMs, they're like, I'd like to work with you.

我在思考最好的方式是什么，或者如何更好地了解你，看看我们是否适合一起工作。

I'm trying to figure out what's the best way to do that or how I can get to know you better to see if we're a good fit to work together.

我的私信里完全不一样了，因为我已经转变了自己所承载的能量，我现在更清晰地表达：这就是我，这就是我愿意提供什么。

Totally different approaches in my DMs because I have shifted the energies I'm running and I'm more of like, this is who I am, this is what I'm available for.

人们能从我的能量、我创作的内容、我参与的合作、我的处事方式，以及我如何尊重自己、如何表达和言说中感受到这一切。

And people just sense it in my energy and the content I create and the collaborations I have and how I show up and how I honor myself and what I say and how I say it.

我几乎再也不需要明确地设定界限了。

I don't need to explicitly set boundaries hardly ever anymore.

所以，你知道，我们价值的这种身体化体现，是这一切的基础。

And so, you know, it's this embodiment piece of our value that is the foundational piece to this all.

当我们真正实现了这一点，就根本不需要去设定界限。

And when we have achieved that, we don't really need to set boundaries.

我们能清楚地知道什么是自己愿意参与的，什么是不愿意参与的。

It's just clear what we're available for and what we're not available for.

在我看来，界限只是一种表面的策略，当我们还没有真正活出真实的自我时才会用到。

Boundaries are kind of a more surface level strategy when we're not embodied in our true self, my opinion.

但除此之外，我想说的是，由于不了解自己的价值，在人际关系中，我们往往会过度付出，或者在进入新的合作、新的友谊、新的合同和新的关系时，缺乏充分的觉察和内在的安定，无法评估对方真正能给予我们什么，而我们又在为此付出什么。

But beyond that, the other piece that I will just say is that from that lack of understanding our value, what happens in the relational field is we tend to over give or we tend to not go into a new collaboration, a new friendship, a new contract, and a new relationship with full discernment and a groundedness about us that assesses the situation to see what is this human offering me and what am I giving in exchange for what they're offering?

这种安排是相互的吗？

Is this arrangement reciprocal?

它感觉公平吗？

Does it feel fair?

它是否建立在一种互惠感的基础之上？

Does it feel like it's grounded in a sense of reciprocity?

但这并不意味着。

Now, this does not mean even.

这并不一定意味着五五开。

This does not necessarily mean fiftyfifty.

这意味着我对这件事感觉良好。

It means I feel good about this.

我从中学到的东西是有益的。

What I get out of this is beneficial.

这是积极的。

It's positive.

这是令人恢复活力的。

It's rejuvenating.

这是有修复作用的。

It's restorative.

这是富有成效的。

It's productive.

这些都是。

It's all these things.

而且我所付出的也感到一致、有意义、有帮助、被重视，这种交换是相互的、平衡的。

And what I give also feels aligned, meaningful, helpful, valued, and the exchange feels reciprocal and even.

我们需要在所有关系中评估这一点。

And this is what we need to assess in all of our relationships.

当我们有了孩子，情况就有点不同了，因为我们通常会为孩子付出更多。

Now, when we have children, it's a little bit of a different equation because we are often going to give more to our children.

如果我们是打破循环的父母，孩子回馈给我们的可能感觉不好，可能不令人满足，可能感觉不到爱。

And if we're a cycle breaking parent, what they give back might not feel great, might not feel satisfying, might not feel loving.

但如果我们长期有效地做好自己的工作，孩子回馈给我们的应该会带来深深的满足感、爱意和支持。

But if we're doing our work effectively over time, what we get back from our children should feel deeply satisfying, loving, and supportive.

所以我只是指出，这有一点不同。

So I'm just noting that's a little bit different.

但当我们缺乏这种认识自我价值的视角，不以互惠的框架来对待关系时，我们往往会不断付出、不断付出、不断付出，不停地做、做、做、做、做，而从长远来看，这是不可持续的。

But when we don't have this perspective of knowing our value and approaching relationships from the framework of reciprocity, We often will over give, over give, over give, do, do, do, do, do and then that is not in the long term sustainable.

因此，常常会出现一种痛苦、无成效、混乱、无序的关系破裂，一切分崩离析，感觉糟糕，看起来也不好，这根本不是应有的方式。

So then there's often this relational rupture that is painful, unproductive, messy, chaotic, and it all kind of falls apart and it doesn't feel good, it doesn't look good, It's just not the way.

所以，要结束这种取悦他人、缺乏界限的状态，我们需要开始认识自己的价值，并真正增强自信的自我能量。

So how we end this people pleasing unboundaried state is we start to know our value and we start to really amplify the self energy of confidence.

无论发生什么，我都 okay。

I'm okay no matter what.

我不需要依赖外部事物来获得稳定、安全和踏实感。

I don't need this external thing to be stable, secure, and grounded.

我对自己有内在的依恋，这构成了我安全感、稳定感和安全感的核心。

I have an internal attachment to myself, which is the core of my sense of safety, stability, and security.

因此，我只在这种稳定与安全的基础上，参与关系领域中的互动。

So I only engage in relationships in the relational field from this sense of stability and security.

我不会在财务上、实际上、精神上、心理上、性方面，或任何其他方面，把我的权力让渡给任何人。

I'm not giving my power away to anyone financially, practically, spiritually, psychologically, sexually, all of the things.

我首先坚定地立足于自己，然后我进入关系领域的任何互动，都基于我对自身价值的理解，是相互的，并且可以低成本甚至零成本地调整、修改和优化，因为一切始终是动态的，没有什么是高风险的。

I am solid with me first and foremost, and then anything that I enter into in the relational field is reciprocal based on my understanding of my value and can be refined, edited, and modified at low to no cost because things are always dynamic and nothing is high stakes.

所以你可以看到，仅从我提供的这个教学中，就能明白要摆脱因害怕被拒绝和冲突而产生的讨好行为，需要多少CVDSD的修复，以及需要多少疗愈才能自然、有机地通过你对某些事情的参与或不参与来设立界限。

So you can see just in this teaching that I offered how much CVDSD resolution is required to end people pleasing out of a fear of rejection and conflict and how much healing is required to just naturally, organically set boundaries through your availability or non availability for certain things.

因此，如果治疗师主要依赖谈话策略或技能策略，他们感到沮丧也就不足为奇了。

So it's no wonder that therapists get frustrated if they're using mostly talk based strategies or skill based strategies.

如果你有未解决的复杂创伤，那么主流自助方法中关于设立界限的建议对你无效，这也毫不奇怪。

And it's no wonder that a lot of the mainstream self help around boundary setting hasn't worked for you if you have unresolved complex trauma.

这真的需要大量的深层疗愈，只有当你逐步完成复杂创伤的修复时，这些状况才会自然、有机地改善，而无需你直接去刻意努力。

This one really is a lot of deep healing required and it's only really as you move through resolution of complex trauma that these things naturally, organically improve without you having to work on them directly.

它们只是疗愈过程的副产品。

They're just a byproduct of the work.

所以，我想回到开头，以防我还没完全弥合我最初提出的这个认知缺口——你不必非得表现得像一个典型的‘讨好型’顺从者，那种像地毯一样被人踩来踩去的人。

And so I just want to go full circle in case I didn't close this kind of gap in what I opened, which is you don't just have to present as a fawn like people pleaser that's more of the doormat type that gets walked all over.

如果你在放弃自己的力量，进入非互惠的关系，即使你被称作具有攻击性或霸凌者，你依然可能是一个讨好者。

You can be called aggressive and a bully and still be a people pleaser if you're giving your power away and you're entering into non reciprocal partnerships.

你在过度付出、过度承担，背负了太多人甚至一个人的负担，而这些关系并不互惠，你也没有运用辨别力去问自己：这个安排对我而言是合适的吗？

You're over giving, you're overdoing, you're carrying too much of the burden for too many humans or even a single human where it's not reciprocal and you're not using discernment to ask yourself, is this a good arrangement for me?

对我们大多数人来说，这些表现大多出现在工作中。

And most of this shows up in the workplace for many of us.

它们也会出现在我们的个人生活中，但有时在个人生活中更难察觉。

It shows up in our personal life, but sometimes it's harder to see in our personal life.

但你可以在职场关系中清楚地看到这一点。

But you can really see this in your workplace relationships.

希望这些内容对你有所帮助。

I hope that has served you well.

我为你加油。

I'm cheering you on.

接下来我要进入本集的第三部分，也就是吸引点击的内容创作。

I'm going to move on to the third portion of this episode, which is the clickbait content creation.

好了，我们现在进入第三部分。

All right, so we're on number three.

这是我第一次读这段内容。

I'm reading this for the first time.

内容创作正在实时进行。

The content creation is happening in real time.

好的，标题是‘感到停滞’。

Okay, so the headline is Feeling Stuck.

试试这个简单的技巧。

Try this Simple Trick.

好的。

Alright.

感到停滞了吗？

Feeling stuck?

试试这个简单的技巧。

Try this simple trick.

好吧，我要基于今天早上我和女儿发生的一件事来展开。

Okay, I'm to base this on something that happened to me this morning with my daughter.

这有点深刻，我不知道这是否适合做点击诱饵内容，但我还是想这么做，因为这就是我此刻的想法。

And this is a little bit deep, so I don't know if this would work for like a clickbait content, but I'm just going to go here because it's what's coming through.

在创伤环境中，当人们释放创伤能量时，最令人困惑的一点就是其中存在的严重扭曲。

One of the things that is the most disorienting in a trauma ecosystem when people are running trauma energies is the level of distortion that is present.

所以，如果你感到卡住了，而你是一个在工作和其他生活领域都能解决复杂问题的聪明人，但在人际情境中——无论是内在还是外在——你却感到停滞不前，如果是内在的，这可以说是内在冲突，但在个人情境中，你就是觉得卡住了。

So if you are feeling stuck and you are a smart human that solves complex problems in work and in other places of your life, but in an interpersonal situation, either internally or externally, you're like this, I guess it'd be intrapersonal if it's internal, but in a personal situation, you're feeling stuck.

你要么不断重复循环，要么在你的人际关系场中，与另一个人的互动完全说不通。

Either you keep looping or something's happening in your relational field that is just not making sense with another human.

一个简单的技巧就是：仔细分辨。

One simple trick is this, is just to really discern.

这里讲述的故事是真的吗？

Is the story being told here true?

还是说，这是一个表面上看似合理、但其实是事后编造的故事？

Or is it a retrofitted story that on the surface kind of makes sense?

它听起来好像有道理。

It tracks as being true.

但当我认真思考，或运用我的判断力时，我会觉得这可能是一个为了合理化令人不适的情绪或未解决的创伤而编造的虚假故事。

But when I really think about it or use my discernment, it feels like this might be a story that's being told that's not true in order to justify uncomfortable emotions or unresolved trauma.

因此，许多在依恋情境中带有未解决创伤的保护性部分，会感受到强烈的负面情绪。

So a lot of protective parts of humans that are running trauma energies have unresolved woundings in the attachment context will feel a big negative feeling.

我感到被拒绝。

I feel rejected.

我感到脆弱。

I feel vulnerable.

我感到被遗弃。

I feel abandoned.

我感到自己不值得。

I feel unworthy.

我感到自己是个负担。

I feel like a burden.

我感到自己是个怪胎。

I feel like a freak.

这些情绪无法被直接命名，因为脆弱感被体验为死亡，或者个体根本缺乏觉察——内在系统甚至没有意识到这种恐惧的存在。

That cannot be named directly because vulnerability is felt like death or there's a lack of awareness that it's not even like the internal system isn't even aware that that fear is present.

由于缺乏觉察和无法展现脆弱，我就会感受到这种糟糕的情绪。

So because of the lack of awareness and the lack of ability to be vulnerable, it's like, I feel this bad feeling.

我能列出哪些事实来证明，我有理由对这个人感到不安？

What facts can I string together about what is happening that justify me feeling upset at this other human?

于是我们编出了看似基于事实、合情合理的故事情节，但当我们试图应对时，却感觉像陷入流沙。

So we get these stories that sound fact based, sound reasonable, but then when we try to navigate it, it's like we feel like we're in quicksand.

我们感觉没有出口。

We feel like there's no exit door.

我们感觉被困住了。

We feel trapped.

我们觉得，我不知道该如何摆脱这种状况。

We feel like, I don't know how to get out of this.

作为你的CPTSD疗愈指导者，我要告诉你，这并不正常。

And I'm just going to tell you, as your CPTSD resolution guide, that is not normal.

通常情况下，当我们的人际关系出现问题时，我们能迅速找到解决方案。

Typically, when we have a problem in the relational field, we can quickly identify solutions.

我们可以通过脆弱和真实迅速达成共识。

We can quickly get on the same page with vulnerability and truth.

虽然可能需要一些时间来落实行动并完全解决，但我们会很快达到真实共鸣的状态。

And it might take a little bit to work out the actions and have it fully resolved, but it's like we arrive at truth resonance fairly quickly.

所以，这与和伴侣花十二个小时来回纠缠、反复争吵、大喊大叫、摔门而去，最后却说‘我都不记得我们在吵什么了’形成了鲜明对比。

So this is the difference between spending twelve hours with a partner, circling and spinning and spiraling and yelling and slamming doors and then being like, I don't even know what we're fighting about.

在你只是继续往前走之前，我们甚至不知道自己在谈什么；而相比之下，一个小时激烈的辩论后，我们却能清楚知道该怎么做。

We don't even know what we're talking about until you just move on versus an hour of very heated debate where it's like, okay, we know exactly what we need to do.

我们就这样做吧。

Let's do this.

我会换种方式来做。

I'll do this differently.

你承诺了这件事，咱们现在就干。

You're promising this, let's fucking go.

如果你感到被困住，注意那些正在被讲述的故事，并运用判断力去分辨：这些是否是看似有事实依据、实则不真实、用来掩盖或隐藏深层恐惧的便利性叙事——而这种恐惧，可能当事人自己都没意识到，或觉得在当下情境中无法说出口。

So if you're feeling stuck, notice the stories that are being told and use discernment to understand if they're convenient fact based stories that are not true that are masking or hiding an underlying fear that someone either isn't aware of or doesn't feel they can name out loud in the context.

我再次提醒你，为什么会发生这种情况？

I'm going to remind you once again the why is this happening?

在某人离开你之后，寻找答案的这个免费三段视频指导系列。

Finding answers after somebody has left you that free three video guided series.

如果你心碎了，链接在节目笔记中。

Link in the show note if you're heartbroken.

如果你需要情感支持，请订阅这个服务。

If you need relationship support, opt into that.

能与你分享这些资料是我的荣幸。

It would be my honor to share those materials with you.

一如既往，能在这里出现并分享所有关于CPTSD疗愈的内容，我感到非常愉快。

As always, it's a pleasure to show up here and share all things CPTSD medicine.

希望这些内容对你有极大的帮助。

I hope this has served you so well.

我真心希望这能改变你的人生。

I actually hope this is life changing.

这正是我在CPTSD医学中始终设定的标准。

That's the bar I always set in CPTSD medicine.

我爱你。

I love you.

我爱你。

I love you.

我他妈的爱你。

I fucking love you.

下次再见。

Until next time.