019. 提升自信：从复杂性创伤后应激障碍（CPTSD）的视角理解

你好。

Hello.

你好。

Hello.

你好。

Hello.

还有你好。

And hello.

欢迎来到CPTSD医学播客。

And welcome to the CPTSD Medicine podcast.

我是您的主持人，安娜·华莱士。

I am your host, Anna Wallace.

我是一名IFS三级治疗师，曾任健康与人类发展系应用发展心理学的副教授，也是《CPTSD医学疗愈方案》464页课程的作者，同时也是本播客的主持人。

I am an IFS level three practitioner, a former associate professor of applied developmental psychology in a health and human development department, and I am the author of the CPTSD medicine healing Protocol four sixty four page curriculum, and I'm also the host of this podcast.

所以你在这里。

So you're here.

欢迎。

Welcome.

如果你以前从未听过我现场讲话，我非常感激你在这里。

If you've never heard me live before, I'm so grateful you're here.

如果你是长期听众，我也同样感激你在这里。

If you're a longtime listener, I am equally grateful you are here.

如果你是新来的，你可能在想，什么是CPTSD疗法？

And if you're brand new, you might be wondering what is CPTSD medicine?

CPTSD疗法旨在为打破循环的人提供整体性的治疗方案。

CPTSD medicine exists to provide holistic treatment solutions for cycle breakers.

所以我们不再想浪费时间了。

So we're not interested in fucking around anymore.

我们关注的是解决复杂创伤的根源，这样我们就不会再在关系中受苦，而是能够自由地快乐生活。

We're interested in root cause resolution of our complex trauma so that we are no longer suffering in our relationships, but we are free to live joyfully.

创伤并没有夺走我们的生命。

Trauma didn't take our life.

我们现在正在生活。

We are now living our life.

因此，从根本上说，CPTSD疗法旨在提高童年创伤幸存者的治愈率。

So at its heart and its core, CPTSD medicine exists to create cure rates among survivors of childhood traumas trauma.

那些曾经经历过的人可以说：我曾患有CPTSD。

Those who set can say, I had CPTSD.

我现在不再患有CPTSD了。

I no longer have CPTSD.

而我们在CPTSD疗法中特别专注于这项工作，因为我们不可能对每个人都面面俱到，那样行不通。

And the way that we're specifically focused on this work in CPTSD medicine, because we can't be everyone, everything to everyone, that doesn't work.

我试过那样做。

I have tried that.

那行不通。

It does not work.

这会导致双方都感到沮丧。

It leads to frustration on both sides.

我们真正服务得最好的，是那些在工作中极其成功、表现卓越、拥有极强的生存应对机制，但在爱情中却迷失方向的人。

Really who we serve best are someone the humans that are very, very successful at work, crush it, have a very well developed I must survival response, but are very lost in love.

那种完成任务、掌控大局、强势领导的能量，完全无法迁移到亲密关系中。

It's like that getting things done, taking charge, boss energy does not translate at all into intimate partnerships.

你感到无能为力。

You feel powerless.

你感到绝望。

You feel desperate.

你感到依赖。

You feel needy.

你会用各种方式操控，比如性、外貌、金钱、机会——这并不是因为你是个坏人，而是因为你极度害怕不被选择，这种恐惧扭曲了整个关系场域。

You use all sorts of things as manipulation, sex, appearance, money, opportunity, not because you're a bad human, but because you are so frightened to not be chosen, it distorts the entire relational field.

因此，这个播客主要分享关于关系的内容，帮助你思考自己的关系、洞察关系中的问题、提供一些实用方法和解决方案，让你能从CPTSD医学的视角看待关系，并决定：我是否正在迈出一步，成为这门医学的学生？

And so this podcast is largely about sharing with you relational content, you know, thinking about your relationships, insights into your relationships, some how tos, some, problem solving so that you get a sense of the CPTSD medicine lens on relationships and you can decide, am I taking a step closer to become a student of the medicine?

而这门医学的学生，是指那些投入其中、每天都在运用各种方法与实践来化解自己CPTSD的人。

And students of the medicine are those that are invested in CPTSD medicine, are using the practices, the approaches, all of it on a daily basis to resolve their CPTSD.

所以我们既要做内在的工作，也要做外在的工作。

So there's internal work that we do, and there's external work that we do.

我非常兴奋地宣布，网站上新增了一个资源页面。

I'm so excited to announce that there's a brand new resource page on the website.

所以是 CPTSD 医学 / 资源。

So CPTSD medicine backslash resources.

我会把链接放在节目笔记里，这个页面现在将集中所有相关链接。

I'll put the link in the show notes, and this is now gonna house all the links.

无论是免费资源，还是与你可能感兴趣的内容相关的任何服务，都会放在这个资源页面上。

So if it's a freebie, if it's a, you know, offer that's related to something that you might be interested in, it will be on that resources page.

我已根据大家最常问到的关于 CPTSD 和关系的问题，对这个资源页面进行了分类整理。

And I've organized that research resources page by the most common questions that I get asked about CPTSD and relationships.

所以这是一个资源库。

So it's a resource.

它会定期更新。

It'll be updated regularly.

你会看到，有些问题刚刚提出，因为我还没来得及写好文字，也没插入所有链接，但我只是想现在强调一下：在节目笔记中，你会开始看到明确的指引——前往资源页面，前往资源页面，这是应对CPTSD医学的下一步行动方向。

You're gonna see that some of the questions posed have come in soon because I haven't written the text and I haven't inserted all the links, but I just wanna highlight that now because in the show notes, you'll start to see just head to the resources page, head to the resources page as this singular direction to take the next step with CPTSD medicine.

所以今天的节目是关于自信的。

So today's episode is about confidence.

我最近一直在思考自信，因为‘自信自我能量大师课’即将在十月开课。

Confidence is on my mind because the Confidence Self Energy Masterclass is coming up at the October.

自信是十一种自我能量之一。

Confidence is one of 11 self energies.

我们目前正在开展一系列自我能量课程，我会实时授课，同时录播内容也会提供。

We have a self energy series going on right now where I'm teaching things live, and then the replays are also available.

我们原计划接下来讲授同情心，但我内心有强烈的直觉，甚至感受到宇宙的召唤，希望回到序列中，再次live授课自信这一主题。

We're slated to teach compassion next, but I have this strong intuition and kinda pull from the universe to go back in the sequence and teach confidence again, teach it again live.

我对自信有了新的见解。

I have some new insights into it.

在CPTSD康复的各个阶段、路径和旅程中，自信都是一种至关重要的自我能量。

It's such a critical self energy at many different parts of the many different segments and pathways and journeys of, you know, CPTSD resolution.

所以我会用新的内容重新直播讲授。

So I'm gonna reteach it live with new material.

所以如果你已经加入了自我能量系列课程，你就拥有访问权限。

So if you're already in the self energy series, you've got access to it.

你会收到Zoom的链接。

You'll get the Zoom links.

如果你是新来的，想加入这个课程，相关信息就在资源页面上。

If you're brand new and you're like, oh, I might wanna join this, that's on the resources page.

你会看到一个链接，可以通过它购买10月27日至29日举行的这门大师课的入场资格。

You'll see a link to purchase entrance into that master class happening October 27 through the twenty ninth.

如果你在这些日期之后收听，会有一个回放链接，你可以购买回放内容。

If you're listening to this after those dates, there'll be a replay link where you can purchase the replays.

如果你找不到链接，只需在Instagram上给我发私信，账号是CPTSD medicine，我会确保你收到链接。

And if you can't find the link, just DM me on Instagram, CPTSD medicine, and I'll make sure you get the link.

无论你找到任何链接，都可以这样操作。

That's with any links across anything you find.

如果它没有引导到你预期的方向，就给我发Instagram私信。

If it's not leading to where you think it leads, just DM me on Instagram.

我会提供你所需的一切。

I will get you what you need.

我希望你能得到你需要的东西，你知道的，随着事物的发展和变化，有时链接会变动。

I I want you to have what you need, and, you know, of course, as things evolve and shift, sometimes links change.

我会改进这些内容。

I improve things.

我会完善这些内容，但我能帮你获得你需要的东西。

I refine things, but I can get you what you need.

今天我们将会讨论自信。

So we're gonna be talking about confidence today.

我会给你一个小小的样本，展示我是如何理解自信的。

I'm gonna give you, like, a little sampler of of kind of how I think about confidence.

如果这个内容深深打动了你，你可能想深入探索这个自信大师课。

So if it really lands with you, you might wanna explore that confidence masterclass.

但我想要先给你一个小小的预览，不是那种秘密的预览。

But I want to begin with just a sneak kind of not sneak peek.

我觉得这个词不太对，因为这件事已经发生了。

I don't think that's the right word because it's already going on.

但我想说，这算是一个样本吧。

But I guess it's a sample.

我不确定。

I don't know.

让你一窥幕后，看看所谓的‘幸福结局’，这是目前CPTSD疗愈的核心方案。

A look inside, like, behind the curtain, look into happily ever after, which is the signature container for CPTSD medicine right now.

持续六个月。

It's six months.

你会收到一份协议的纸质副本寄到你手上。

You get a copy of the protocol mailed to you.

我们每周有两次辅导电话。

We have weekly twice weekly coaching calls.

它包括与我的一对一辅导，以及一个社群。

It includes one on one sessions with me, a community.

它涵盖了我知道你需要做的所有内容，以深入解决CPTSD的根本原因。

It's everything that I know you need to do deep root cause resolution of CPTSD.

这凝聚了我过去四年多来从事这项工作最精华的部分。

It's like the best of the best of the last four plus years I've been doing of this work.

严格来说是五年，但第一年我只是刚开始。

Technically five, but my first year, I was just getting started.

所以，是过去四年，尤其是最近三年高度集中的、以深度课程为导向的工作成果。

So, like, the last four years and really the last three years of very concentrated, you know, deep level curriculum oriented work.

但我知道，有时候你会想：我不太清楚这会是什么样子。

But, you know, I know sometimes it's like, well, I don't really know what that would look like.

即使我写过很多关于它的内容，我还是不知道这会是什么感觉。

I don't know what that would feel like even though I've written a lot about it.

因此，我有机会直接、非常真实地与大家分享。

And so I had an opportunity to just share directly very authentically.

所以我们在每个月的前三个星期，每周二和周四都有辅导通话，就在这个框架内进行。

So we have coaching calls on Tuesdays and Thursdays in that container the first three weeks of every month.

我总是告诉《幸福永远》课程的学生，如果你无法实时参加辅导通话，只需在我们的Mighty Networks私人社区的活动页面下留言，我会在通话中实时回复你。

And I always tell students in happily ever after, if you can't come to one of the coaching calls live, just leave a comment on the event on our Mighty Networks, our private community, and I'll just I'll answer it live on the call.

所以即使你没有实时参与，你也能收到我回答你问题的录音。

So you'll get a recording of me answering your question even if you weren't there live.

实时参与的好处是你能来回互动，取消静音，我们可以交谈、一起探讨和优化，但即使只是得到你好奇问题的答案，也很好。

Now the benefit of being there live is you can go back and forth, unmute, we can talk, we can, you know, iterate and refine together, but it's good to get just an answer that you're curious about.

昨天在我们上一次小组辅导通话中有人发了一个问题，我错过了。

And there was one posted on our last group coaching call yesterday, and I missed it.

我没有做到位，没在通话时查看评论，看看有没有人留言，我向那位学生承诺会回答他的问题，确保他能得到回复。

I failed you know, look at the comments to see if anyone had posted while I was on the call, and I promised the student that I would answer the question and make sure they got it.

所以我决定在播客里回答这个问题，这样你们就能真正看到我们正在进行的对话，也能感受到我在《幸福永远》这个框架中的 coaching 方式，如果你正在考虑加入的话。

And so I thought I would answer it on the podcast so that you could really see kind of the conversations we're having and also just get, you know, a feel for the way that I coach in this container in the case that you're considering joining happily ever after.

好的。

Okay.

所以这位学生发了这样的内容。

So here is what the student posted.

我今天不会参加。

I will not be there today.

我会看回放。

I will watch the replay.

这是一个宽泛的辅导请求，或者说更像是一次来自经验的鼓励，如果可能的话，围绕在与他人关系中将能量收回来时的恐惧。

A broad coaching request or more so like a pep talk from experience, if possible, around the fear of pulling our energy back inward in the context of a relationship with another human.

换句话说，当对方退缩时，你感到恐慌，并不是因为自我约束感觉太强或太难，而是担心退回来会对关系造成更大伤害，或对方无法在另一边与你相遇。

In other words, when someone else pulls away and there is panic, not because containment feels too much or too hard, but out of concern that pulling back will be more damaging to the relationship or the other human will not meet us on the other side.

好的。

Alright.

好的。

Alright.

所以，如果你和这位当事人是实时对话，我会问一些澄清性问题，以确保我完全理解背景。

So so, you know, if we were live with this human, I would ask some clarifying questions just to make sure I fully understand the context.

但基于这个背景，我假设——其中一部分我是知道的——核心问题在于将我们的能量收回来这个概念。

But given the context, I'm assuming, and some of it I know, the core question is about this idea of pulling our energy back.

好的。

Okay.

如果你刚接触CPTSD疗愈，可能之前没听过这个说法，但如果你已经关注一段时间，或者作为学生学习了一段时间，你就明白这指的是什么。

If you're new to CPTSD medicine, you probably haven't heard this before, but if you've been following for a little bit or have been a student for a little bit, you understand what this means.

接下来我简单讲解一下这个概念。

So quick teaching on this concept.

如果你相信，就像我所相信的那样，复杂创伤本质上就是能量，我们讨论的只是事物的能量层面，我们讨论的是我们所运行的能量，以及我们思想互动的能量与频率。

If you believe, like I believe that complex trauma is just really energy, we're just talking about the energetics of things, we're talking about the energy we're running, we're talking about the energy and the frequency of interaction of our thoughts.

当然，内容确实存在，但通常内容之所以重要，是因为它会激活某些能量，或者内容本身带有某种频率。

Of course, there's content for sure, but often the content is only important because it activates certain energies or it has a frequency to the content.

所以，即使是内容，也带有某种能量负荷。

So even content kinda has an energetic charge to it.

我们使用的词语、表达方式。

The words we use, the phrasing we use.

所以如果一切皆是能量，我们有时会注意到，作为童年创伤的幸存者，我们早已习惯没有能力在能量层面进行自我保护。

So if it's all energy, what we can sometimes notice is that we are so used to, as a childhood trauma survivor, having no capacity to energetically protect.

我们就像一个边界模糊的存在，不清楚自己从哪里开始、到哪里结束，这通常是因为我们在童年时期为了满足需求，不断试图与他人的能量融合。

It's like we're this diffuse being that does not know where we end and begin, and it's often because we spent our childhood trying to merge with other humans' energies in order to get our needs met.

在某些情况下，我们的父母甚至鼓励这种行为，因为这能满足他们自身的内在需求。

In some cases, our parents promoted this because it fed their own internal system and met their needs.

这在某种程度上造成了过度纠缠，有时甚至类似于情感乱伦的情况。

And it it kinda created a enmeshment, sometimes like an emotional incest kind of situation.

你知道，‘共生依赖’这个词听起来温和一些，但对我来说，‘过度纠缠’或‘情感乱伦’这些概念比‘共生依赖’更具冲击力，不过这可能又是另一个话题了。

You know, codependency is a tamer word, but to me, this idea of enmeshment or emotional incest packs a more powerful punch than codependency, but that's probably a whole other episode.

因此，作为正在疗愈复杂创伤的人，我们通常需要练习将能量重新拉回自己身上。

So what we wanna do often as a human resolving our complex trauma is we really wanna practice this pulling our energy back towards us.

因为有时我们甚至察觉不到自己正在被能量分散——我们试图与他人的能量纠缠，过度支撑他人，无节制地付出，替别人解决问题，陷入这种模式：因为不信任他人，控制局面不仅让我感到熟悉，更让我整个系统觉得安全。

And it's because sometimes we don't even notice that we're being energetically diffused, we're trying to entangle in somebody else's energy, we're propping somebody up, we're over giving, we're solving other people's problems, we're engaged in this, I'm doing too much in this relationship because I don't trust and controlling what happens feels not only more familiar but safer to my entire system.

这种模式真正有害的地方在于——虽然它带来的问题有很多，但其中之一就是我们精疲力竭，因为一个人在替四个人做工作。

And what's really detrimental about this, I mean, there's so many things that are detrimental about this, but one, we're exhausted because we're doing the work of like four humans in one human body.

但第二点，尤其是在我们成年后的亲密关系中，我们从不让人家自己站稳脚跟，也不让他们对自己所付出的部分负责。

But two, especially with our consenting adult relationships, we never allow somebody else to kind of stand on their own two feet metaphorically or just take ownership of what they're contributing.

如果我们替他们做了一切，替他们促成一切，我们就无从了解他们究竟是怎样的人。

We don't know what someone's made of if we're doing everything for them, if we're making it happen for them.

他们没有自由或自主权去独立采取有力的行动，而我们也就无法客观地评估：这是否符合我的标准？

They don't have the freedom or the autonomy to take empowered action independently and then we can assess with some objectivity, does this meet my standard or not?

这让我感到安心，还是激起了我的不安全感？

Did this make me feel secure or did it activate my insecurity?

如果我们总是与他人纠缠不清，总是与他人界限模糊，我们就无法从关系场中获得可靠的信息。

So if we're always entangled with others, we're always kind of enmeshed with others, we don't get good data sources from the relational field.

因此，这背后有一个能量层面的因素——我们感到精疲力尽。

So there's a energetic piece to it, we're exhausted.

但同时，还有一个更客观、更合逻辑的真相与有效性层面。

But there's also just like a truth and validity piece to it that's more objective and logical.

我们对这个人的了解完全是错误的。

We get terrible data about this other human.

因此，收回我们的能量是作为医学学生的一项基础练习。

And so pulling our energy back is a foundational practice as a student of the medicine.

但《幸福终生》中的这位学生指出，这样做可能会引发大量恐慌，既来自对方，也来自我们自己。

But what this student in Happily Ever After is noting is that it can cause a lot of panic to do that, both from the other human and from ourselves.

所以我要从两个角度来谈，因为我不确定《幸福终生》中的这位学生究竟想表达什么。

So I'm gonna speak to both because in the, I'm not sure exactly what my the student in happily ever after wanted.

他们是正在收回自己的能量吗？

Like, is are they pulling their energy back?

是别人在收回他们的能量吗？

Is somebody else pulling their energy back?

这正是我在辅导通话中希望得到澄清的问题。

That's the clarifying question I would want to have answered in the coaching call.

但为了照顾所有听众，让你们能了解双方的观点，我会分别回答这两种情况。

But I'm gonna answer both just for the sake, you know, whoever's listening and that you kinda get both sides.

假设我就是那个正在收回自己能量的人。

So let's say I'm the human pulling my energy back.

因此，如果我这样做，内心会感到恐慌，担心事情可能不会如愿。

And so there's a panic internally that if I do that, this might not work out.

我可能会听到坏消息。

I might get bad news.

我可能得不到我想要的东西。

I might not get what I want.

因此，这会刺破我们可能陷入的幻想，或者我们部分自我所沉浸的幻想，因为当下的现实让人感到不悦、可怕，我们还没有准备好面对它。

And so it pierces the fantasy that we may have been in or parts of us may have been in because the present moment reality feels undesirable, scary, we're not ready for it.

所以当我们一直都在努力支持他人、推动他人时，我们的能量就会纠缠在一起，我们仍然可以活在幻想中，因为我们可能在控制着这个幻想。

And so when we're always doing the work, we're propping somebody up or pushing someone along, our energy's entangled, we can still live in a fantasy space because we may be controlling the fantasy.

我们在塑造它。

We're shaping it.

我们在影响它。

We're influencing it.

我们对会发生的事情有着极大的影响力，幻想因此得以维持。

We're, you know, highly influential in what happens, the fantasy can stay intact.

当我们收回自己的能量，不再支持他人，不替他们解决问题，不替他们促成事情时，我们可能会听到一些坏消息。

When we pull our energy back and we're not propping somebody up, we're not solving problems for them, we're not making things happen for them, we may get some bad news.

哦，他们还没准备好采取行动。

Oh, they're not ready to act.

他们没有自我引领。

They're not self led.

他们没有获得赋能。

They're not empowered.

他们没有像我这样投入。

They're not as committed as I am.

他们没有像我这样有远见，没有像我这样勇敢，也没有像我这样优先处理事情。

They're not as visionary as I am, they're not as brave as I am, they're not prioritizing things the same way I am.

这对我们内心那些尚未愈合的深层背叛创伤来说可能很难承受，因此不被选择的感觉就像死亡一样。

And that can be hard for parts of us who have a deeper betrayal wounding that hasn't been healed yet and so not being chosen feels like death.

幻想更安全，现实却充满危险。

Fantasy is safer, reality is dangerous.

对这部分来说，现实是危险的，但我们生活在现实中，所以幻想终究会破灭。

Reality is dangerous to this part, but we live in reality, so the fantasy is gonna crash and burn anyway.

我们需要真正理解的是，我们只是在推迟心碎，因为心碎终将到来——因为我们生活在现实中。

And that's what we really need to understand is like, we're just postponing the heartbreak because the heartbreak will come because we live in reality.

维持幻想令人精疲力尽，生活总会介入，幻想无法长久保持完整。

The fantasy is exhausting to sustain and life will get in the way, and the fantasy cannot stay intact.

这正是我有很多问题的原因之一。

It's part of why I have a lot of issue.

这是另一个话题了，但你知道，婚礼和订婚，我们对它们总是充满期待。

This is a separate episode, but, you know, weddings and engagements and, you know, we get so excited about them.

这就是为什么我把这个核心课程命名为‘从此幸福’，因为这其实是在调侃我们被灌输的这种幻想，带点讽刺意味。

And it's part of why I named the signature container happily ever after because it's kind of a tongue in cheek kind of punch cheap shot at this fantasy we're sold.

因为在‘从此幸福’中，我们真正要做的，是自己创造幸福，因为你能独立站立，因为你拥有自己。

Because the real work we do in happily ever after is like, you're gonna be happily ever after because you're making the happen, because you can stand on your own, because you've got you.

这才是‘从此幸福’的秘诀——不是救世主，不是披着铠甲的骑士，也不是你一直在扶持的那个人。

That's the recipe for happily ever after, not the savior, not the knight in shining armor, not the person you're propping up.

因此，当你面对坠入现实的前景，当你收回能量、面对那些恐慌的部分时，你感受到的恐慌，你只需要让它们明白：无论怎样，心碎终将到来——如果这不是真实的，如果这不是真的，如果这只是一个幻想。

And so the panic that you feel over the prospect of dropping into reality and seeing what happens when you pull your energy back, working with those panicked parts, you just have to let them know that the heartbreak is coming no matter what, if this isn't real, if this isn't true, if this is fantasy.

现在知道总比以后知道要好。

And it's better to know now than it is later.

所以面对恐慌，你要明白：无论发生什么，我都会陪着你，幻想终将破灭，泡泡迟早会炸裂。

And so with the panic, it's just this, I've got us no matter what happens, and fantasy will burst, the bubble will burst eventually.

所以我们现在就弄清楚吧，因为现在会很痛苦，但六个月后可能会更痛苦。

So let's just find this out now because it's gonna be painful now, but it might even be more painful in six months.

不过，你们中有些人有某种模式或系统，它们已经超越了我刚才说的这些。

Now, some of you have a pattern or a system, however, that's out smarted what I just said.

这可能就是你的情况：你有一个极其聪明的系统。

So this may be you, where it's like you have a system that's so smart.

它会说：如果现在打破这个幻想，现在会非常痛苦。

It's like, hey, it's gonna hurt a lot right now if we break this fantasy.

六个月后，痛苦会简直要命。

Six months from now, it's gonna hurt like fucking hell.

这是幻想破灭的顶峰，真的会很痛。

It's the peak of the fantasy bursting, it's gonna really hurt.

但如果我们等下去，情况会变得极其糟糕和具有破坏性，比如他们开始威胁要离开我们，因为他们察觉到幻想已经走到了尽头——我们还在索求更多，却没把能量收回来，而生活却在不断介入。

But if we wait it out and it gets so bad and so destructive and like they start threatening to leave us because it's like they're sensing the fantasy has gone to, we're asking for more, we haven't pulled our energy back, but life is getting in the way.

那时痛苦会少一些，因为我们的关系现实将不再那么梦幻。

It'll hurt less then because the reality of our relationship will no longer be so fantastical.

就像现在，我陷入了这种现实，一种地狱般的现实。

And it's like, now I'm in this reality of, like, hell.

即使是普通关系中的日常现实，但我却身处一种复杂的创伤性关系泥潭中，这种状态反而更容易让人离开。

Like, even normal day reality of relationships, but I'm in this complex trauma hellish landscape of relational fuckery, and that's easier to leave.

所以你们中的一些系统确实会朝这个方向运作，但我告诉你们，这并不是正确的路。

So some of your systems do orient that way, but I am telling you, like, that that's not the way.

我明白。

I get it.

也许从某种衡量标准来看，痛苦确实会少一些，但这种做法对其他部分造成的代价——再创伤、社会羞辱，以及这种关系终结所带来的二次成年创伤——是巨大的。

It does hurt maybe less, you know, kind of in some measured way, but the toll that takes on other parts, the re traumatization that happens, the social humiliation, that kind of ending to a relationship creates secondary adult trauma.

你可能不需要立即处理这个问题，但随着你逐步疗愈复杂性创伤后应激障碍，如果你通常以这种方式结束关系，你就无法绕过这种二次成年创伤。

You might not have to process it right away, but as you resolve your CPTSD, you will not be able to bypass that secondary adult trauma if that's the way you typically end relationships.

但那个辅导问题可能还隐含着另一个想法：如果我收回我的能量时，对方恐慌了怎么办？

But then the other thing that may be being asked in that coaching question is this idea of, okay, what if the other person panics when I pull my energy back?

他们原本有点中立，有点回避，但当他们察觉到我放下了绳子、停止了舞蹈，或者在绳子上松了点力时。

It's like they're kind of neutral, they're kind of avoidant, but then when they sense that I've kind of put down the rope or I've stopped the dance or I've, you know, given some slack in the rope.

我没有在推。

Like, I I'm not pushing.

我没有在强迫。

I'm not forcing.

我只是说，好吧。

I'm kind of like, okay.

你随意吧，这感觉很真实。

Do what you want, and it feels real.

他们可能会突然变得非常关注你，或者以之前从未有过的方式给予你关注，因为这对他们来说就是这种互动模式。

They might start to be really attentive or really, you know, giving you attention in ways they weren't because this is the dance for them.

这就是追逐、回避、追逐、回避。

It's the chase, avoid, chase, avoid.

当你陷入这种推拉模式时，会形成一种自我强化的动态。

And and when you're in that push pull, that creates a dynamic that can build its own momentum.

所以，如果你不再追逐，不再支撑对方，把你的能量全部收回来，然后你就会收到一点小小的提醒或消息。

So if you kind of stop chasing, stop propping somebody else, pull up all your pull your energy back, and then you get a little poke or a little ping.

嘿，你去哪儿了？

Hey, where are you?

就像那种小小的、感觉不太对劲的举动。

Like, just a little like, like something that's doesn't feel quite right.

要么是攻击性的、刻薄的，要么是过分夸奖、热情洋溢且充满赞美的。

Either it's aggressive, it's mean, or it can be flattering and effusive and kind of complimentary.

但你注意到，这些举动都是在你放下一切之后才出现的。

But you're noticing the action came when you kind of put things down.

在这种情况下，你不禁会想：你对这段关系到底有多投入？

You know, in that scenario, it's kind of like, well, how invested are you in this relationship?

如果你非常投入这段关系，觉得它有潜力，想看看会走向何方，你仍然可以保持中立，只是回以中立的态度。

If you're super invested in the relationship, you think it has promise, you wanna see where it goes, you know, you can still be neutral and just kind of give a neutrality back.

不用了，我很好。

No, I'm good.

或者就说，谢谢。

Or like, oh, thanks.

你知道的，或者就只是回以一种中立的反应，不管那是什么样子。

You know, or just like, you just kind of give neutral whatever that looks like.

我需要具体的措辞才能给出具体的回应，但你就是简单地回以中立的态度。

Like I would need specific words to be able to give something specific, but you just like neutral back.

如果他们态度恶劣，你就保持中立。

If they're mean, you're neutral.

你不要接招吵架。

You don't pick up the fight.

如果他们特别殷勤，你就同样回以中立。

If they're super attentive, you're neutral back.

你不会回赠更多能量，但你会承认它。

You don't give them more energy back, but you acknowledge it.

你只是静静观察事情如何自然发展，最终在等待对方做出不反应的回应。

And you just kinda see how it unfolds naturally and eventually you're waiting for the nonreactive response.

你在等待对方产生好奇，开始提问，重新以真正富有成效、脚踏实地的方式与你互动，推动你们的关系向前发展，而不是仅仅停留在表面关注或故意挑衅来引发你的反应，而是真正持续地努力去建设这段关系。

You're looking for the human to get curious, start asking questions, start reengaging you in a truly productive, grounded way that moves your relationship forward, not just surface level attention or poking the bear to get your reaction, but an actual sustained real effort to continue to build the relationship forward.

满足你真实而真诚的需求，解决问题，或为未来做规划，但要深入地做，不是表面层次的深入。

Meeting your needs that are real authentic, solving problems, or planning for the future, but in a deep way, like not a surface deep way.

所以，这就是我对这个问题的回答。

So that would be my answer to that question.

如果我们是在一次辅导通话中，可能还有更多可以深入探讨的内容，但这就是对这个问题的初步回应。

There's probably more that we could follow-up on if we were in a coaching call, but that's the start to the the question.

所以，如果你渴望从我这里获得这种个性化的辅导和关注，欢迎你申请加入《幸福永远》项目。

So if you're craving that kind of personalized coaching, personalized attention from me in happily ever after, I invite you to to apply.

这一点也在网站上。

That is also on the website.

但这并不是本集的主要焦点。

But that is not the main focus of this episode.

本集的主要焦点是关于自信的一点小教程，因为自信作为一种自我能量至关重要。

The main focus of this episode is a little tutorial in confidence because confidence is so critically important as a self energy.

我感觉到关于这十一种自我能量，有什么信息正在传递给我。

I feel there's something coming through for me about these 11 self energies.

当我编写课程时，它们自然地组织了起来，按照我希望在十个满月周期内教授它们的自然流程，这就是完整的课程。

They organize themselves when I was writing the curriculum, just kind of this natural flow of the way that I wanted to teach them across the 10 moon cycles, that's the full curriculum.

我一直在追问：为什么它们会以这种方式呈现？

And I've been interrogating why did they come through in that way?

这是否是组织它们的最佳方式？

And is that the way to organize them?

该如何教授它们？

Like how to teach them?

因此，自我能量系列是按这个顺序教授的，但我感觉在它们呈现的顺序背后，还隐藏着关于我如何教授这十一种能量的深层教学意义，我尚未完全领悟，但我一旦弄清楚，就会非常兴奋地与你分享。

So the self energy series is taught in that order, but I feel like there's some underlying teaching about the way the order came through of how I teach the 11 that I haven't quite landed on yet, but I'm super excited when I do to share that with you.

所以我会让你第一个知道。

So I will, you'll be the first to know.

自信是在课程开始时教授的。

Confidence is taught at the beginning of the curriculum.

它属于当下方向的召唤，即关于摆脱那种幻想。

It's in the present directional calling, which is about getting out of that fantasy.

因此，这是对那个辅导问题的直接回应。

And so in direct response to that coaching question.

所以当下方向的召唤，其实就是说：我就在这里，我不需要活在幻想世界里。

So the present directional calling is really about like, I'm here, I don't need to be in a fantasy world.

事实上，活在幻想世界已经伤害了我，伤害了我的内在系统，也伤害了我的外部世界，我需要真正地让自己明白：活在当下是安全的。

In fact, being in a fantasy world has harmed me, harmed my internal system, harmed my external world, and I need to really download for myself that it's safe to be in the present moment.

而且，如果我不活在当下，现在和未来就会发生很多糟糕的事情。

And in fact, if I'm not in the present moment, a lot of bad things are happening now and in the future.

因此，自信是一种自我能量，它让我们知道：无论发生什么，我都没事。

And so confidence is a self energy that really lets us know I'm okay no matter what.

能够接触到这一点非常重要，因为它会建立起一种内在信念：我知道自己能应对糟糕的结果，能承受不适，能面对失望，能接受真相，因为这才是真正让我获得自由的原因。

And it's so important to have access to this because it creates this inner belief that you know what, I can handle a bad outcome, I can handle the discomfort, I can handle the disappointment, I can handle the truth because that's what sets me free.

我知道自己能应对，因为无论发生什么，我都没事。

And I know I can handle it because I'm okay no matter what.

从历史上看，作为童年创伤、复杂创伤的幸存者，我们可能已被专业人士诊断出一系列症状，或者我们只是知道自己在某些量表上得分很高，但我们从未真正做到‘无论发生什么，我都没事’。

Now we historically, as survivors of childhood trauma with complex trauma and a set of symptoms that have been diagnosed likely by a professional or that we just know we score high on some scanners, we have not been okay no matter what.

你知道，我们并没有这样的证据。

You know, that that's not the evidence we have.

我他妈的从来就没做到过‘无论发生什么，我都没事’。

I I haven't fucking been okay no matter what.

所以，坦纳，那种说法并不准确。

So, like, that's not accurate, Tanner.

我并没有那种感觉。

I don't feel that.

好吧。

Okay.

很好。

Well, good.

我们现在正在做基线评估。

We're now getting a baseline assessment.

你并没有在任何情况下都安然无恙。

You have not been okay no matter what.

在某些情况下，你显然过得不好，但我们必须改变这一点。

You have been decidedly not okay during certain situations, but we've got to change that.

这必须改变，因为你无法走出复杂性创伤后应激障碍的另一端。

That has got to change because you can't get to the other side of CPTSD.

你无法快乐地生活。

You can't live joyfully.

你无法拥有主权地生活，除非你确信自己无论发生什么都安然无恙，否则你无法摆脱复杂性创伤后应激障碍的该死牢笼。

You can't live with sovereignty, you can't get out of the fucking cage of CPTSD unless you know you are okay no matter what.

因为只有这样，你才能获得自由，去清理你的关系，去冒险，去表达自己，停止蜷缩、压抑和躲藏，摆脱羞耻感——真正的自信才是出路。

Because then that gives you freedom to start cleaning up your relationships, to start taking risks, to start expressing yourself, to stop living contracted, constricted and hiding, full of shame, like just confidence is the way out.

但我们该如何建立这种状态呢？

But how do we build that?

因为这不能靠心态，也不是一句积极的自我肯定，而是需要随着时间慢慢培养。

Because you can't, it's not a mindset, it's not an affirmation, it's slowly accessed over time.

所以我们知道，拥有纯粹、强大、自信的自我能量的最终状态，就是无论发生什么都要像马丁·路德·金那样。

So we know the end state of running pure, potent, confident self energy is MLK no matter what.

它能帮助你真正地清理人际关系，甚至包括那些你珍视的关系。

It helps you start to really, really clean up the relationships, even ones you hold near and dear.

但我们该如何到达那里呢？

But how do we get there?

我无法在一期播客中提供一套完整的自信培养课程。

So I can't give a full curriculum tutorial confidence in a podcast episode.

所以我今天只给你一些快速的思考要点。

So I'm just gonna give you some quick things to think about today.

第一个是关于价值感，第二个是关于强烈情绪，它们的运作方式出人意料。

The first is about worthiness, and the second one is about big emotions and they track in unexpected ways.

当我们感受到强烈、激烈的负面情绪时，往往会围绕这些情绪编织出一个故事。

Often when we feel big, intense, negative emotions, a story is created around it.

这可以说是人类的天性。

This is kind of like the human way.

作为童年创伤的幸存者，你不仅会更强烈地感受到情绪，而且在基因层面，你的身体会以更高的频率激活警报，因为你的家族过去曾经历过某种极其混乱、创伤性且改变人生的事件，比如一场巨大的变故。

Now as a childhood trauma survivor, not only do you feel your feelings more intensely, but genetically, you have codes that are activating alarms at a higher level because somewhere in your past with your family, something very, very chaotic, traumatic, and life changing happened, like a massive event.

而那种恐惧、羞耻和不信任，通过基因和环境代代相传，不断延续，直到你来到这个世界，成为打破这一循环的人。

And then that fear, that shame, that mistrust carried on genetically, environmentally, and it kept getting passed down, passed down, passed down until you arrive at you, the cycle breaker.

因此，这些强烈的情绪是真实的，它们与普通人的感受不同。

And so those intense emotions are real and they're different than a normal human.

你的身体对这些情绪做出的警报反应，也与普通人不同。

The alarms your body gives in response to those emotions are also different than the normal human.

作为人类，我们天生就是意义创造者，这一点我非常欣赏。

Now we are meaning making machines as humans, which I love.

我的意思是，这正是身为人类最棒的特质之一。

I mean, that's one of the best things about being human.

我们解读事物。

We interpret things.

我们分析事物。

We analyze things.

我们理解事物。

We make sense of things.

因此，我们自然会试图弄清楚为什么我感觉如此不同？

And so of course, we're gonna naturally try to make sense of why do I feel so different?

为什么我感受如此深刻？

Why do I feel things so deeply?

为什么我的身体反应如此强烈？

Why does my body respond so intensely?

我感觉不同。

I feel different.

我觉得自己像个怪人。

I feel like a freak.

我觉得这不正常。

I feel like this is not normal.

我觉得别人无法理解这一点。

I feel like people don't understand this.

我觉得自己在这些事情上是个异类。

I feel just so out an outlier of these things.

好吧，你确实是。

Okay, well you are.

所以，坦白说，你确实是。

So like, let's be honest, you are.

但你的身心、心灵、子宫所开始讲述的故事并不准确。

But the story your mind, body, heart, soul, womb started telling was not an accurate one.

它很可能充满了羞耻感，比如‘我不是个好人’，这通常发生在我们非常年幼时依恋关系破裂的时候。

And it probably centered in a lot of shame, I am not a good human, which is kind of when the attachment bond is ruptured when we're very, very young.

在子宫里，在婴儿期，我就不是个好人。

In utero, infancy, I'm not a good human.

这就是我们下载的羞耻代码。

This is the code we download, the shame code.

这与‘等等，我一文不值’紧密相连。

That's so tightened to like, wait, I'm not worth anything.

我是个糟糕的人，我一文不值。

I'm a bad human, I'm not worth anything.

因此，我们的价值感非常非常低。

So we have this worthiness that is very, very low.

不要对任何人抱有期待，不要追求任何东西，不要幻想优秀的人会选中你，你必须躲在表现、面具或你构建的僵化人设背后，因为做真实的、脆弱的自己并不安全——因为你不值得。

Don't expect anything from anybody else, don't strive for anything, don't imagine someone high quality is gonna pick you, you really need to hide behind performance or a mask or an elaborate rigid persona that you've created because it's not safe just to be your human vulnerable self because you are not worthy.

你是个垃圾。

You are a piece of shit.

你一文不值，所以躲起来吧。

You're not worth anything, so hide.

这些情绪与价值感缺失、强烈的负面情绪纠缠在一起，最终变成：我不行。

That gets all tangled together with those big emotions, the worthiness, lack of, the intense negative emotions, those come together and it's like, I am not okay.

我需要别人。

I need somebody else.

这在一定程度上是将我们的安全、幸福和福祉外包出去的根本原因之一。

And this is kind of one of the root causes of outsourcing, our safety, our well-being, our happiness.

因此，我们发展出这些生存策略，只为被选中。

And so we develop these survival strategies to be chosen.

我要智胜、赚得更多、更巧妙地应对、超越性吸引力、表现得更夸张、表现得更出色。

I'm going to outwit, out earn, outmaneuver, out sex, outlandish, outperform.

我的意思是，要在所有这些方面都做到顶尖。

I mean, out all these things, like, the top.

我必须做得非常好。

I need to be so good.

我必须彻底成功。

I need to crush it.

我必须完美无缺。

I need to be perfect.

我需要做到，我的意思是，对每个人来说，这都各不相同。

I need to and I mean, whatever it is for each of us, and it's so unique.

每个幸存者都有自己独特的一面，那种过度的一面，隐藏着因羞耻而滋生的深层无价值感，这些感受因强烈的负面情绪和神经系统发出的警报而变得真实。

Every survivor has a unique little, like, over aspect of them, the too much aspect of them, Hiding the deep feelings of unworthiness fueled by shame, made to feel real by the intense negative emotions and the alarms our nervous system sends off.

所以在本教程中，我只是大致设定了发生这种情况的背景。

And so in this tutorial, like so I just kind of set the context of why it's happening.

背景至关重要，因为你需要理解事情发生的原因，才能发展出干预理论，真正将这种疗愈方法内化为自己的东西。

So context is so important because you need to understand the why something is happening so you can develop an intervention theory and really make this medicine yours.

我推荐一些对我和我的学生都有效的方法。

I suggest interventions that have worked for me and have worked for students.

但归根结底，要想成为这种疗愈方法的有效学习者，你必须让它成为你自己的东西。

But ultimately, to be an effective student of the medicine, you have to make the medicine yours.

它必须是个性化的，你需要量身定制，你拥有自己的专长、智慧，以及来自你家族传承的疗愈之道。

It has to be personalized, you have to tailor it, you have your own expertise, you have your own wisdom, you have your own family lineages medicine.

因此，这些都需要融入其中。

So that needs to be woven in.

但作为一般性的干预方式，我们希望开始将强烈的负面情绪与内心的故事脱钩并放慢节奏，以此重建对自信的感知，让自我能量流动起来：当我们感受到强烈的负面情绪时，要立即觉察内心正在讲述的故事，并打断这些故事。

But generically as an intervention, what we wanna start decoupling and slowing down in order to kind of build our access back to confidence and get this self energy flowing is that when we feel an intense negative emotion, we wanna immediately notice the stories that are being told internally and disrupt those stories.

不要把这些故事视为糟糕的、不要让它们成为更多羞耻的来源，也不要从道德层面判定它们是错的，而只是提醒自己：我不确定这真的发生了。

Not make them bad, not make them more sources of shame, not make them wrong morally at some level, but just, hey, I'm not sure that's actually what's happening.

我不确定这是否是对现实的准确描述。

I don't know if that's an accurate portrayal.

充满同情，充满善意，充满同理心。

So much compassion, so much kindness, so much empathy.

这本质上是一种内在的关系性工作。

This is relational work internally.

你不是在进行交易或功利性的处理，而是在与自己建立关系；那些讲述故事的部分、那些实体、那些祖先——无论它们来自何处——都需要以同情、好奇、善意和同理心去对待，温和地暗示：也许这个说法对你并不适用，但让它在另一个相信它为真的部分或实体中落地，让它知道：做不同的自己是安全的。

You're not being transactional or instrumental, you're building a relationship with yourself and the story is told internally, the parts that are telling the stories, the entities, the ancestors, wherever they're coming from, compassion, curiosity, kindness, and empathy, just gently kind of suggesting that may not land for you, but letting it land for another part or an entity that believes it is true, it's safe to be different.

但一旦你将强烈的负面情绪与故事脱钩，你就需要安全、私密的空间来充分表达这种情绪，让它释放，避免被压抑在体内并转化为生存性的行为。

But then once you kind of decouple the intense negative emotion with the story, you really need safe private containers to fully express that emotion so it releases, so it doesn't get trapped inside and channeled into a survival action.

比如，我无法承受这种感觉，它太不舒服了。

Like I can't feel this feeling, it feels too uncomfortable.

我来拍个性感的TikTok视频发出去。

Let me film a sexy TikTok and post it.

我来给这个客户过度付出吧。

Let me, you know, over give with this one client.

我来把整个房子都打扫干净，却不向孩子提任何要求；我来加班到很晚，好让老板一醒来就看到我什么都做完了，不管是什么方式。

Let me clean the whole house and not ask anything of my children, let me work late so that my boss wakes up and sees I've done everything, whatever it is.

如果你有更多麻木的倾向，我刚才主要讲了‘我必须’的能量，但有些人可能会喝酒喝到不省人事，有些人会刷社交媒体，有些人会连续几个小时打电子游戏。

Now, of you have more numbing tendencies, I just focused on kind of the I must energies, but some of you may drink yourself into oblivion, some of you may scroll social media, some of you may play video games for hours.

你知道，你可能更倾向于麻木，也就是进入‘我不愿’的状态。

You know, you may have more of a numbing, a more kind of just go into I won't mode.

所以，只是留意一下你自身系统的能量状态。

So, you know, just kind of noticing the energetics of your own system.

但无论哪种情况，你都没有表达出那种情绪，情绪没有释放出来，如果这么说你能理解的话。

But in either case, you're not expressing the emotion, it's not getting out, if that makes sense.

因此，这需要发生——但不是在别人面前，不是和你的伴侣或孩子在一起，而是在远离现实世界的、安全的私人疗愈空间里。

And so that needs to happen, not in front of your people, not, you know, with your partner or your children, but a safe, private healing container away from your real world.

一旦情绪释放了，你就有了更多的可能性和开放性，去真正地问：这里背后隐藏的恐惧是什么？

Then once that's released, you have more possibility and openness to really start to, like, ask, what's the fear underneath here?

这里背后真正的担忧是什么？

What's the concern underneath here?

你会被引导到你正在感受的核心脆弱点。

And you'll be directed to a core vulnerability you are feeling.

对于这个核心脆弱点，你想要做的是在现实世界中测试你最亲近的关系，看看是否能一点点地分享这种脆弱，不要一次性全盘托出，因为你需要先测试，只是分享一小部分，比如5%的脆弱。

And what you wanna do with that core vulnerability is test out your closest relationships in the real world and see if you can share that vulnerability in small bits, not the whole thing because you wanna test, but, like, just a little bit of it, 5% of the vulnerability.

看看这个人会如何回应。

See how this other human responds.

他们是轻视你吗？

Are they dismissive?

他们有在认真听吗？

Are they paying attention?

他们有认可你吗？

Do they validate?

他们是否认真倾听？

Do they listen thoroughly?

他们是否回应爱、关怀与善意？

Do they reflect back love and care and kindness?

还是他们只是回避、投射、轻视，或者太忙了？

Or are they just deflecting, projecting, dismissing, or too busy?

这就是为什么你需要采取小小的步骤，因为你不想向那些不安全或没有尽到责任的人过度暴露自己。

That's why you wanna take little baby steps because you don't wanna expose yourself too much to someone that's not safe or someone that's not doing what they need to do.

如果你没有可以分享脆弱性的关系环境，那么一个疗愈性的容器就能提供帮助——虽然它是人为的，因为你为此付费，它在你的现实生活中并不真实，但它可以成为你在修复人际关系时的桥梁和社群空间。

And if you don't have that relational context to share with vulnerability, that's where a healing container can help be artificial because you're paying for it, so it's not real in your real life, but it can be a bridge community and space for you while you're cleaning things up in the relational field.

这很美好，这没有任何奇怪或错误的地方。

And that's beautiful, there's nothing icky or wrong about that.

我认为，这是我想在创伤领域改变的最重要事情之一。

Like I think that's one of the biggest things I wanna change in the trauma space.

如果你没有自然获得所需的东西，有时你必须为它付费。

Sometimes you have to pay for what you need if you don't have it organically and naturally.