别再白白浪费你的时间

嘿，大家好。

Hey, y'all.

提醒一下，除了这些超棒的视频，我们还有很多工具和资源，能帮你成长，应对你面临的挑战。

Just a reminder that in addition to these awesome videos, we have a ton of tools and resources to help you grow and overcome the challenges that you face.

我们有像Doctor.

We've got things like Doctor.

K的心理健康指南、个性化辅导项目，还有免费社区活动之类的工具，不管你在心理健康旅程的哪个阶段，都能帮到你。

K's guide to mental health, personalized coaching programs, and things like free community events and other sorts of tools to help you no matter where you are on your mental health journey.

所以去看看下面描述里的链接，然后回到视频吧。

So check out the link in the description below and back to the video.

嘿，聊天室的朋友们。

Hey, chat.

欢迎来到HealthyGamerGG播客。

Welcome to the HealthyGamerGG podcast.

我是Doctor.

I'm Doctor.

我叫奥洛·坎诺查，但你可以叫我医生。

Olo Kannocha, but you can call me Doctor.

K医生。

K.

我是一名精神科医生、游戏玩家，也是HealthyGamer的联合创始人。

I'm a psychiatrist, gamer, and co founder of HealthyGamer.

在这个播客里，我们探讨数字时代的心理健康和生活，把复杂的观点拆解开来，帮助你更好地了解自己和周围的世界。

On this podcast, we explore mental health and life in the digital age, breaking down big ideas to help you better understand yourself and the world around you.

那我们就直接开始吧。

So let's dive right in.

我又回来了，因为我又失败了，K医生。

I'm back because I failed again, doctor K.

如果可以的话，请给我一些了结。

Please give me some closure if you can.

之前很多时候，我处理不了事情。

Earlier times, I can't handle things.

也许我应该更努力一点。

Maybe I should try harder.

我能做到的。

I can do this.

别人肯定也都很努力。

Other must have worked hard too.

就算我什么都做不好，什么都应付不了，我也得继续做下去。

Even if I can't do anything or handle anything, I must keep doing.

我迟早会学会怎么处理这些事的。

I would eventually learn how to deal with stuff.

我应该更努力。

I should try harder.

一切都会好起来的。

Everything will be fine.

所以你有点强迫自己拼命工作。

So you kinda force yourself to work hard.

过了很久，我一直在骗自己。

After a long time, I kept fooling myself.

我以为事情会好起来的。

I thought things would work out.

我知道自己心里缺了点什么。

I knew something was missing within me.

我连最简单的事情都做不好。

I couldn't even do the simplest stuff.

简单的事情也让我压力很大。

I took so much stress on simple stuff.

我甚至都没法开始好好生活。

I couldn't even begin to live.

我是个废物，什么都做不好。

I'm a waste who can't do anything properly.

我只想当个寄生虫。

I just wanna be a parasite.

我错了。

I'm wrong.

我什么都失败了。

I failed at everything.

钱、时间、我自己，什么都没了，就像行尸走肉一样。

Money, time, myself, nothing but a walking corpse.

一片灰暗。

Bleak.

所以我觉得当今世界上我们宣扬的最大骗局之一，就是努力能解决你的问题。

So I think one of the biggest scams that we propagate in the world today is that hard work will fix your problems.

我们生活在这样一种文化里，好像你只有一个杠杆，理论上你可以拉动它来改善你的处境，那就是付出更多的努力。

So we live in a culture where, like, you have one lever that theoretically you can pull to improve your situation, which is that you can expend more effort.

如果你在课堂上得了B，只要你多学几个小时，你就能得A。

If you get a b in a class, if you just study more hours, you will get an a.

这其实也有点道理。

And it's, like, sort of true.

比如在我举的那些例子里，如果你确实多学习了，那确实和成绩更好有关。

Like, in the examples that I provided, if you do study more, that is correlated with getting better grades.

如果你确实多工作了，那确实和赚更多钱有关。

If you do work more hours, it is correlated with making more money.

所以这就像是一个简单的万能药，能解决你所有的问题。

So it's kind of this, like, simple cure all for your problems.

但我觉得这里有一个非常非常非常基本的问题，那就是那些在生活中非常成功的人——我和那些住在父母地下室的堕落游戏玩家合作过。

But I think there's, like, a basic basic basic problem here, which is that the people who are very successful in life and I've worked with, like, degenerate gamers living in their parents' basement.

我也和真正的亿万富翁合作过。

I've worked with, like, literal billionaires.

他们之间的区别不在于花在生产上的时间多少。

The difference is not in the amount of time they spent productive.

真正的区别在于他们的努力程度。

The difference is actually in their effort.

我觉得那个堕落游戏玩家，实际上付出的努力比那个成功的企业家要多得多。

The degenerate gamer, I think, actually spent is far more effortful than the successful entrepreneur.

我知道这听起来有点奇怪，但我给大家举个例子。

And I know that sounds weird, but, like, I'll give you all an example.

对吧？

Okay?

你们知道，我是精神科医生。

So, you know, I'm a psychiatrist.

所以我接触的都是抑郁症患者。

So I work with people who have depression.

当人们抑郁的时候，连基本的事情做起来都很费劲。

And when people have depression, basic things require a lot of effort.

起床很费劲。

Getting out of bed requires a lot of effort.

打扫房间也很费劲。

Cleaning your room requires a lot of effort.

还有，说到多动症，我跟一个当教授的同事聊过。

And then also, when we got ADHD, I was talking to a colleague of mine who's a professor.

我那位同事告诉我，他班上有两个学生有多动症。

And the my colleague was telling me that, you know, he he's got two students in his class with ADHD.

他对此感到非常惊讶，因为在他看来，他们能正常交谈。

And he was, like, really surprised by this, because he's like, know, they're able to carry on conversations.

他们在课堂上表现很好，诸如此类的事情。

They participate well in class, all this kind of stuff.

所以他对这个诊断感到困惑。

So he's, like, confused by the diagnosis.

他并不是想说他们没有多动症。

And he's not, like, trying to suggest that they don't have it.

他确实是真心想了解这个情况。

He's he was genuinely trying to learn about this.

所以他就问我，你能给我解释一下吗？

So he's like, can you explain this to me?

因为我对多动症的理解似乎不太一样。

Because it it seems to my perception of what ADHD is is different.

所以我就想，大家可能会觉得困难，但他们看起来参与得很积极。

So I thought, like, people would struggle, but they seem to be well engaged.

然后我跟他解释，ADHD的一个关键点不是你不能做某件事，而是做这件事需要的努力要大得多。

And so I explained to him that one of the key things about ADHD is not that you can't do something, but that the effort required is way higher.

所以当一个神经典型的人参与课堂讨论时，他们付出的代价很低。

So when a neurotypical person has participates in a conversation in class, the cost to them is pretty low.

比如，我可以连续八小时参与对话都没问题。

Like, I can participate in conversations for eight hours a day without a problem.

可能结束后会有点累，但我能做到。

Maybe I feel tired at the end of it, but I can do it.

ADHD的问题在于，付出的努力要大得多。

The problem with ADHD is that the effort is way higher.

我们生活在一个告诉人们要努力工作的社会里。

So we live in a society where we tell people work hard.

尤其是在美国，强调要靠自己努力站起来。

Like so especially in America, lift yourself up by your bootstraps.

这里是充满机遇的土地。

This is the land of opportunity.

你越努力，就会越成功。

The harder you work, the more successful you will be.

很多研究表明，这很可能不是真的。

There's a lot of research that shows that this is probably not true.

作为精神科医生，我意识到这一点，你知道，每个人都在谈论我住院医师培训的时候，那真的很辛苦。

And this is something that I realized as a psychiatrist, like, you know, everyone talks about I was in residency, and residency is, like, hard.

工作量非常大。

It's a lot of work.

在精神科，你基本上每周平均工作八十个小时。

You work eighty hours a week, basically, every week on average in psychiatry.

如果你在外科或神经外科，那大概是100到110个小时。

If you're in surgery or neurosurgery, it's, like, 100, one ten.

还有其他职业，比如投资银行或大型律师事务所，你也会工作超长时间。

There are these other there are these other, you know, professions like investment banking or big law or things like that where you just work crazy amounts of hours.

所以，我当时有一种想法，就是觉得自己成功是因为努力工作。

And so, like, I had this kind of perception that, you know, I'm successful because I work hard.

比如，我每周工作八十个小时，九十个小时。

Like, I'm working eighty hours a week, ninety hours a week.

然后我意识到，我有些病人其实比我工作得更辛苦。

And then I realized, like, I have some patients who actually work way harder than I do.

我有一些病人打三份兼职，因为像沃尔玛这样的单一雇主不给他们全职时间，因为那样就得付福利了。

I have patients who have three part time jobs because a single employer like Walmart won't give them full time hours, because then they have to pay for benefits.

所以他们就在三家公司各工作二十四小时，因为没人愿意给他们福利。

So they work, like, twenty four hours at three companies, because no one's willing to pay them benefits.

这是他们能做到的极限了。所以，努力工作的这个概念，我觉得，如果你心里有这个想法，认为努力工作能解决我的问题。

That's the most that they can And so this concept of hard work, I think, like, this idea that if you have this idea in your mind, that hard work will fix my problems.

我并不是说你不应该高效，不应该努力。

And I'm not saying that you shouldn't be productive and you shouldn't be effortful.

真正难的地方在于，如果努力工作不能解决你的问题，那你到底在争取什么？

This is what's really hard about this is, like, if hard work doesn't fix your problems, like, what are you advocating for?

你知道吗，我一周工作六到七天。

You know, I work six to seven days a week.

这个我们待会儿再说，因为我一提到这个，很多人会不高兴，或者也不是不高兴，他们会想，K医生是不是变成那种鼓吹拼命工作的人了？

We'll we'll get to that in a second, because when I talk about that, a lot of people get upset or not upset, but they're like, is doctor k becoming a hustle culture bro?

其实不是。

Not really.

这个我们待会儿再说。

And we'll we'll get to that in a second.

但关键的是，努力其实通常不是我们真正想做的事情。

But the key thing here is that effort is usually not what we wanna do, actually.

我觉得，努力这件事，就是那种“我只需要更努力工作”的想法，其实是个骗局。

Effort, I think this is this is sort of the scam that this idea of I just need to work harder.

我只需要更努力工作。

I just need to work harder.

我只需要更努力工作。

I just need to work harder.

当我治疗有成瘾问题的病人时，对吧，他们总想着我需要更多的自控力、更多的意志力、更多的努力，更多的努力，更多的努力，更多的努力。

And when I work with patients who have things like addictions, right, there's this idea that I need more self control, more willpower, more effort, more effort, more effort, more effort.

我觉得那不是正确的生活方式。

I don't think that's the right way to live.

其实我觉得，这真的很傻。

I think, actually so this is something that is so silly.

我女儿和我一起玩棋盘游戏。

My daughter and I were playing a board game.

那是大概两年前的事了。

This is, like, two years ago.

我不知道你们有没有遇到过这种情况，就是，你知道，你有一个棋盘游戏的盒子，然后你把盖子盖上。

And I don't know if you guys have ever had this issue where, like, you know, you have, like, a box for a board game, and then you put the lid on top.

她不明白的是，如果盖子稍微歪一点，你就算用再大的力气去压，盒子也永远盖不上。

And she didn't understand this because if the lid is slightly tilted, you can push really really really really really hard, and the box will never go down.

但如果你稍微调整一下盒子的方向，它就能毫不费力地盖上。

Whereas, if you reorient the box just a little bit, it goes down effortlessly.

我觉得生活就是这样。

And this is what I think life is like.

所以当我跟人打交道的时候，比如教练啊什么的，目标不是让他们更努力。

So when I work with people, when when we have, like, coaches and stuff working with people, the goal there is not to get them to just work harder.

我觉得那其实是个错误。

I think that's actually a mistake.

因为如果你只是更努力，最后就会变成这样。

Because when you just work harder, this is how you end up.

你会发现自己付出了很多努力，投入了很多精力，然后彻底精疲力尽。

You end up in this situation where you have all of this hard work that you've expended, all of this enter energy, and then you're absolutely burnt out.

然后我们就开始摇摆，想着我就想当个寄生虫。

And then we get into this, like, pendulum of I just wanna be a parasite.

我就想轻松一点。

I just wanna take it easy.

我厌倦了拼命工作。

I'm tired of working hard.

我什么都不想做。

I wanna do nothing.

我已经努力了很长时间，什么都做了，甚至做得更多，现在我只想什么都不做，甚至更少。

So I've done everything and more for a long time, and now I wanna do nothing and even less.

我想做个废人。

I wanna be a degenerate.

我只希望我有钱。

I just wish I had money.

我希望我中了彩票。

I wish I won the lottery.

我希望我二十年前参加了那个星际争霸锦标赛，第三名有300个比特币，第一名有250美元。

I wish I had participated in that StarCraft tournament twenty years ago where third place was 300 Bitcoin and first place was $250.

我希望我参加了那个比赛。

I wish I had done that.

我希望我能做个寄生虫，因为我们太累了。

I I wish I could just be a parasite, because we're tired.

我们和努力之间的关系完全乱套了。

Our relationship with effort is all messed up.

所以我觉得首先要明白的是，你知道，如果我的问题不是靠一定量的工作就能解决的，我们就会有个想法，就是，好吧。

And so I think the first thing to understand is that, like, you know, if my problem is not solved by a certain amount of work, we have this idea that, like, okay.

那就更努力。

More work.

那我怎么才能更有动力呢？

So how do I build more motivation?

怎么才能更有自律呢？

How do I build more discipline?

我怎么做，怎么做这些事呢？

How do I how do I do this stuff?

我确实和这样的人合作过。

And I've worked with people like that.

所以，我可以说，我和很多大概27到45岁之间的人合作过。

So the I'd say I've worked with a lot of people who are, let's say, between the ages of 27 and 45.

这群人通常都很成功。

And this group of people is classically successful.

所以他们会经历早期的生活危机，也会经历中年危机。

So they have early life crises, and they have midlife crises.

他们会有像冒名顶替综合症这样的问题。

They've got stuff like impostor syndrome.

他们强迫自己拼命工作。

They force themselves to work really hard.

最后他们升职了，但做的却是自己不太想做的事，而且情况从来没有真正好转过。

They end up getting promoted, and then, like, they're doing stuff that they don't really wanna do, and it never really gets better.

他们发现自己有点像被困住了，拼命工作之后，却发现自己站在一座自己并不喜欢的山顶上。

And they kinda find themselves sorta, like, trapped, where they've worked really hard, and and now they find themselves high up on a mountain that they don't like.

所以我觉得，对很多人来说，真正缺少的一个根本性的东西，其实是理解。

So this is where I think a fundamental thing that is missing for a lot of these people is actually understanding.

如果你工作非常努力，但事情并不顺利，那你需要的其实是更好的理解。

That if you are working really hard and things are not working for you, what you need is better understanding.

你只需要稍微调整一下那个箱子。

You need to shift that box just a little bit.

你需要明白阻力的来源是什么。

You need to understand what is the source of resistance.

不要硬撑，稍微调整一下。

And instead of powering through, shift a little bit.

稍微调整你的努力方向，你投入的精力带来的回报会大大不同。

And a shift of your efforts will drastically change the yield on the energy that you put in.

这听起来有点傻，但你知道吗，有时候我觉得我们可以从游戏中学到很多。

And this is something that it's like it's so silly, but, you know, I sometimes think we can learn a lot from gaming.

我觉得任何有排位的多人游戏都是很好的例子。

And I think, like, any sort of ranked multiplayer game, this is a really good example of.

如果你多理解一两个机制，那就能提升一个段位或一枚奖牌。

Where if you understand one or two additional mechanics, that's worth, like, a rank or a medal.

这不是操作技巧的问题。

It's not mechanical skill.

不是努力的问题。

It's not effort.

也不一定是要全神贯注。

It's not necessarily being locked in.

而是说，好吧。

It's like, okay.

比如，如果我学会DOTA2里的拉野，或者补刀稍微好一点，或者学会怎么做某件事，你懂吗？

If I learn how to creep pull from DOTA two or if I get a little bit better at last hitting or if I learn how to do this, if I learn you know?

所以，我记得看到一个DOTA2玩家的帖子，说如果你是核心，在河对岸，而对方有两个人不见了，你就应该离开对方那边的地图。

So so I I remember seeing this post from a DOTA two player that if you're a carry and you're on the other side of the river and two people are missing, you should leave the enemy's side of the map.

就是很简单的东西。

It's like really simple stuff.

从低分段升到高分段，靠的不是多打几局。

And the climb from low rank to high rank is not playing more games.

这就是为什么有些人玩了一万小时的英雄联盟、瓦罗兰特、DOTA2，随便你选。

This is why we have people who played ten thousand hours of League of Legends, Valorant, DOTA two, take your pick.

而且他们还是，比如，卡在青铜或者什么的。

And they're still, like, hard stuck at bronze or whatever.

所以，努力就能改善生活这个想法，我觉得，往好了说是不完整，往坏了说是错的。

So there this this idea that working hard will improve your life, I think is, like, fundamentally incomplete at best and wrong at worst.

就是说，它是错的。

Like, it's wrong.

那么，你应该把精力投入到有成效的事情上吗？

Now should you invest your energy productively?

当然应该。

Absolutely.

不过我们一会儿再谈这个。

But we'll get to that in a second.

所以你需要的是更多的理解。

So what you need is more understanding.

我希望你们注意到这个帖子里的一点：他们从挫折中学到了什么。

And and what I want you all to notice about this post is what are they learning from the friction.

这个人最终会学会怎么处理事情。

This is a person that eventually, I'll learn how to deal with stuff.

我应该更努力一点。

I should try harder.

一切都会好起来的。

Everything will be fine.

他们的身体、大脑和生活都在发出信号，告诉他们这样不行，但他们却忽略了这些信号。

Their body, their brain, their life is sending them signals that this is not working, and they are ignoring those signals.

所以这确实是个问题。

So this is something that, like, know, this is a problem.

这是我们社区里的一个典型问题。

This is a classic problem in our community.

当我开发这个教练项目时，就是针对这个问题设计的。

When I developed the coaching program, this was the problem that was designed to sort of target.

它的运作方式，我跟你们分享一下，带你们稍微了解一下，就是先理解。

And the way that it works, I'll just share this with y'all, and we'll sort of walk y'all through this a little bit, is understanding first.

所以其实很简单。

So really simple.

如果病人被误诊了，比如我诊断错了，那这个药没用，那个药也没用，换别的药还是没用，我就只能一直加大药量。

If a patient has if I have the wrong diagnosis for a patient, this medication doesn't work, this medication doesn't work, this medication doesn't work, I can keep on increasing the doses on medications.

我还可以尝试加别的药。

I can try additional medications.

他们就成了那种治疗无效的难治性病例。

They have this treatment refractory problem.

我可以加强治疗强度，但如果根本诊断错了，再怎么治也没用。

I can increase the intensity of treatment that I provide, but it's not gonna work if I'm misdiagnosing the problem.

就这么简单。

Simple.

你可以打一千把刀塔二或者堡垒之夜，随便什么游戏。

You can play a thousand games of DOTA two or whatever, Fortnite, whatever.

但如果你不吸取教训，不明白为什么努力了却没有进步，那永远都不会有起色。

But if you don't learn from your mistakes, if you don't understand why the effort is not translating into improvement, it's never gonna work.

所以这里有点意思。

So here's what's kind of interesting.

我们在看一些质量改进的数据。

We were looking at some quality improvement data.

很多教练都强调行动和问责，我们的教练也受过这方面的训练。

And a lot of coaching out there is about action and accountability, and and our coaches are trained in that too.

但有趣的是，我觉得我们的教练进展更慢。

But the interesting thing is I think our coaches work slower.

他们需要更长的时间。

It takes them longer.

所以我们看到最佳变化是在十二到十六周，而不是四到八周。

So we see optimal changes in twelve to sixteen weeks, not four to eight weeks.

但我们看到的变化更大，因为重点在于理解你的问题。

But we see larger changes, because it's focused on understanding your problem.

所以让我们来谈谈你的问题是什么。

So let's talk about what your problem is.

所以，你要做的第一件事是这样的。

So here's the first thing that you've gotta do.

这有点奇怪。

This is kinda weird.

但如果你想想“努力”这个概念，好吧，想想你是从哪里学到“努力会改善你的生活”的。

But if you think about this idea of hard work, okay, Think about where you learned hard work will improve your life.

基本上，你是从外部学来的。

Basically, you learned it from the outside.

因为如果你看看自己的经历，努力其实并不奏效。

Because if you look at your own experience like this, hard work is not working.

如果你是一个真的很努力的人，比如有多动症或抑郁症的人，付出大量努力却只得到一点点回报。

If you're someone who has worked really hard, and this can include things like someone who's got ADHD or someone who's got depression, where a ton of effort gives you a tiny little yield.

所以我们从外部被灌输了所有这些观念。

So we've been taught all of this stuff on the outside.

每个人都告诉你，继续努力，继续努力，继续努力。

Everyone tells you just keep working hard, keep working hard, keep working hard.

最终你会搞明白的。

Eventually, you'll figure it out.

这是你从外界学到的。

That's what you learn from the outside.

这对某些人确实有效。

And that works for some people.

但如果对你没用，你需要做的是更好地了解自己，弄清楚诊断是什么。

But if it doesn't work for you, what you need to do is do a better job of understanding yourself, understand what the diagnosis is.

所以我在和这些人打交道时发现，他们忽视了自己内心的信号。

So what I find when I work with these people is they ignore their internal signals.

完全忽视它们。

Just ignore them.

所以当感觉不好的时候，他们觉得必须硬撑过去。

So when something doesn't feel good, I need to power through.

然后他们就会陷入困境。

And they kinda get stuck.

比如，他们之所以会忽略自己的信号，部分原因是如果他们听自己的，最后只会变得麻木。

Like, part of the reason that they sort of ignore their signals is if they listen to themselves, they end up just numbing.

哦，我感觉怎么样？

Oh, what do I feel like?

我的身体感觉怎么样？

What does my body feel like?

我的大脑感觉怎么样？

What does my brain feel like?

我的身体和大脑感觉什么都不想做。

My body and brain feel like doing nothing.

所以我什么都不做。

So I'm gonna do nothing.

好吧，这样不行。

Well, that's not working.

所以我就得忽略身体和大脑的感受。

So then I have to ignore what my body and brain do.

你们大概能理解这一点。

Y'all kinda get that.

所以，如果我学会了忽略自己的身体或大脑，因为听从身体或大脑的指示没有用。

So if I've I learned to ignore my body or brain because listening to my body or brain doesn't work.

然后我就得逼自己一把。

And then I have to push myself.

但那样也没用。

But then that doesn't work either.

所以，我建议你们这样做。

So this is what I recommend y'all do.

这有点难。

This is a bit hard.

注意什么能带来满足感。

Pay attention to what leads to contentment.

而且我们得在这里准确定义满足感。

And we have to define contentment precisely here.

满足感就是后悔的反面。

Contentment is the opposite of regret.

明白吗？

Okay?

所以首先，满足感是事后才有的。

So the first thing is contentment is after the fact.

事情已经做完了。

The action is completed.

如果你内心平静，那就很好。

And if you are at peace, great.

如果你不平静，那做完之后，是什么破坏了这份平静呢？

If you are not at peace, what is the way in which peace gets destroyed after you're done?

基本上就是我们所说的后悔。

It's basically what we call regret.

哎呀，我当时真应该换个做法。

Oh, I should have done things differently.

这还不够。

It's not enough.

我应该做得更多的。

I should've done things more.

所以要注意什么带来平静，什么带来后悔。

So pay attention to what leads to peace and what leads to regret.

有趣的是什么呢？

And here's the interesting thing.

就算你想当个寄生虫，想浪费时间，比如说，你觉得，哦，我累死了。

Even if you wanna be a parasite, if you wanna waste your time, you know, if you're like, oh, I'm exhausted.

我整天只想打游戏。

I all I wanna do is play video games all day.

我不想再工作了。

I don't wanna work anymore.

我工作累了。

I'm tired of working.

那会让你变得麻木。

That will lead to numbness.

那不会带来平静。

It will not lead to peace.

第二天醒来，你会感到后悔。

You'll wake up the next day, and you will have regret.

明白吗？

Okay?

所以接下来我们遇到另一个问题：如果你工作，如果你朝着正确的方向前进，仍然有可能感到后悔，即使你不应该后悔。

So then we get to another problem, which is that if you work, if you are moving in the right direction, direction, there's there's still still a chance that you will have regret even when you shouldn't have regret.

现在有两个选择。

Here's the options.

我觉得什么都不做，现在我很后悔。

I feel like doing nothing, and now I have regret.

明白吗？

Okay?

所以那样不行。

So that doesn't work.

做了点什么，结果还是后悔。

Do something, and I have regret.

那这种后悔的本质是什么呢？

And what is the nature of this regret?

现在，根本问题来了。

Now here's the fundamental problem.

所以他们在寻找平静，但这些人很难找到平静，因为总觉得不够。

So look for peace, but these people have difficulty finding peace, because it's not enough.

应该早点做的。

Should've done it sooner.

对吧？

Okay?

所以这就是你需要寻找的东西。

So this is what you need to look for.

所以你要留意自己是否正朝着正确的方向前进。

So look for when you move in the right direction.

你的思维是怎么把 w 变成 l 的？

What are the ways in which your mind turns a w into an l?

情况就是这样。

This is what happens.

另外还有一条非常、非常、非常关键的线索。

The other thing is that there's a there's one really, really, really key clue.

所以这确实有点难，但很多时候这和我们的自我或 ego 有关。

So so it's it's kinda hard, but so this is going to be oftentimes related to the or ego.

之前我提到过教练辅导。

So earlier, I I I talked about coaching.

我想在座的很多人对这个观点应该很有共鸣。

And so I would venture that there is a lot of people in the audience who resonate with this idea.

然后当我说，好吧，比如你知道的，你可以和别人一起合作时。

And then when I say, okay, like, you know, you can work with somebody else.

而且你知道，我是一名精神科医生。

And the reason you know, I'm a psychiatrist.

所以我亲眼看到了专业人士对一个人成长的影响有多大。

So I saw firsthand the value of the impact that a professional can have on somebody's growth.

这就是我日常工作做的事情。

Like, that's what I do in my day job.

这个模式效果很好，而且非常有科学依据。

It's a model that works really well, super evidence based.

但问题是，我不想和别人合作。

But there's a problem, which is that I don't want to work with somebody else.

盲点的问题就在于，你自己看不到它们。

So the problem with blind spots is that you're blind to them.

所以和别人合作才有帮助。

That's why it helps work with somebody else.

但你不想和别人合作。

But you don't wanna work with somebody else.

你想靠自己搞定一切。

You wanna be able to do it on your own.

所以我在这些人身上发现，其实很微妙，就是他们有很多事情不愿意去做，因为他们觉得人分两种，一种是懒人，一种是勤奋的人。

And so what I find with these people, it's really subtle, is that there are many things that they are unwilling to do because they have this idea that there's, like, lazy people, and then there's the hardworking people.

我想成为后者。

And I want to be this.

我不想成为前者。

I don't wanna be this.

所以很多时候，这些人会拒绝别人的帮助。

So oftentimes, these people will reject help.

这很有意思。

So this is beautiful.

有一篇很棒的文章，讲的是如何照顾那些让人头疼的病人。

There's a great paper taking care of the hateful patient.

吉姆·格罗夫斯，一个非常聪明的人，在麻省总医院工作，我有幸跟他短暂学习过。

So Jim Groves, absolute brilliant man, works at MGH, had the privilege of studying with this guy briefly.

所以他讲到了那种操控性的拒绝帮助的人。

So he talks about manipulative help rejecters.

这些人会主动寻求帮助。

So these are people who will ask for help.

他们看起来其实和那种自以为是的人完全相反。

They actually seem the opposite of entitled.

他们给人的感觉是，觉得任何治疗方案都没用。

They appear to feel that no regimen will help.

他们看起来几乎有点得意洋洋，一次又一次地回到诊所或医院，报告说治疗方案又一次没起作用。

Appearing almost smugly satisfied, they return again and again to the office or clinic to report that once again the regimen did not work.

他们的悲观和顽固的否定态度，似乎随着医生的努力和热情的增加而加剧。

Their pessimism and tenacious naysaying appear to increase in direct proportion to the physician's efforts and enthusiasm.

所以有时候，我并不是说所有属于这一类的人都是那种让人讨厌的病人。

So sometimes I'm not saying that everybody who who, you know, falls into this category is is a isn't the hateful patient.

但很多时候，这些人就是我们所说的那种寻求帮助又拒绝帮助的人。

But oftentimes, these people are very what we call help seeking, help rejecting.

他们寻求帮助，但当别人说，好的，你应该这样做时，他们却不想那么做。

They ask for help, and when someone says, okay, here's what you should do, they don't wanna do that.

因为他们有自己的想法，想按自己的方式来。

Because they have a model of I wanna do it in this way.

想不靠别人帮忙自己搞定。

I wanna do it without help.

想成为那种靠自己努力站起来的人。

I wanna be the kind of person who pulls myself up with my bootstraps.

现在你们有些人可能属于这一类。

Now some of y'all may fall into that category.

有些人可能不是。

Some of y'all may not.

这就是谈论这个话题的挑战所在。

That's the challenge of trying to talk about this.

因为我的核心观点是，这种模式在内心有很多不同的原因。

Because this this is my whole point is that this has this pattern has a lot of different reasons internally.

所以我们可以观察到的这些模式，正是为什么与人合作很有用。

So the patterns that we can look for this is why it's useful to work with people.

所以我分享一些我常看到的模式。

So I'm sharing some of the patterns that I see frequently.

其中一个模式是，当你付出努力并取得进展时，你心里总有个声音告诉你还不够好。

So one pattern is that when you engage in effort and you make progress, something in your mind tells you that it's not good enough.

所以即使你在正确的方向上前进，你非但没有感到安心或自豪、积极，你的大脑反而又添了别的想法。

So even though you're moving in the right direction, instead of feeling peaceful about it, instead of feeling proud or positive about it, your mind adds something else.

你的大脑总让你觉得自己不够好。

You look for your mind adding insufficiency.

总觉得还差一点。

It's not enough.

总觉得太晚了。

It's too late.

总觉得已经落后了。

I've fallen behind.

我早就该开始做这件事了。

I should have started this a long time ago.

你正朝着正确的方向前进，但你的内心却在为此惩罚你。

You're moving in the right direction, and your mind is punishing you for it.

这行不通。

Not gonna work.

第二点要注意的是，如果你理论上在朝着正确的方向前进，这是否在某种程度上影响了你的自尊心？

Second thing to look for, if you are theoretically moving in the right direction, is that impacting your ego in some way?

朝着那个方向前进，是否让你觉得自己变成了一个不想成为的人？

Is moving in that direction make you feel like you're someone that you don't wanna be?

我不想那样做。

I don't wanna do it that way.

我想自己做。

I wanna do it by myself.

我不想让别人看到我有多没用。

I don't wanna show people how pathetic I am.

我不想说，哦，我去看了心理医生，他们帮我解决了问题。

I don't wanna have to say, oh, I went and saw a therapist, and they helped me with my stuff.

我想靠自己做到。

I wanna be able to do it myself.

我想成为这个世界教给我的那种人，就是那种克服逆境的勤奋工作者。

I wanna be the thing that the rest of the world taught me about, which is like the hard worker who conquers adversity.

留意一下自尊心。

Look for ego.

那就是你的第二个线索。

That'll be your second clue.

最重要的是，你知道，有时候在印度，比如我去印度的时候，你会听到有人去修道院之类的地方，然后被那里改变，这很好。

And the most important thing so this is where, you know, some sometimes in India, they like, when I went to India and, you know, you hear these stories about people going to places like monasteries and stuff, and they're, you know, transformed by it, which is great.

让我们去改变别人吧。

Let's transform people.

完全支持。

All for it.

是什么导致了这种转变呢？

What is it that accounts for the transformation?

我在印度学到的最重要的一件事，就是从内心获取数据，而不是从外界。

One of the most important things that I learned in India is getting data from here instead of out there.

什么对你有效？

What is it that works for you?

这就涉及到一些东西，比如努力和勤奋。

And that's where there are certain things, like, speaking of, like, effort and working hard.

我简单解释一下。

So I'll just explain this very simply.

有很多人说，你应该非常非常努力地工作，投入大量的精力。

So there's a lot of people who say that you should work really, really, really hard and expend a bunch of effort.

那些推崇拼搏文化的人，你在领英上能找到他们，他们会说，我一周工作七天，兄弟。

Hustle culture people, you'll find these people on LinkedIn, and they're like, I work seven days a a week, bro.

你必须拼命，拼命才是正道。

You gotta go hard, and, like, going hard is the way to go.