我侄女吞下了一个AirPod，我还能连接吗？| Hey Tablo 第13集

我女朋友说也许我不该和那位母亲争执，但我看不出我哪里做错了。

My girlfriend said maybe I shouldn't have argued with the mother, but I don't see what I've done wrong.

我因为要求一个女孩从跑步机上下来，还和她母亲争执，我是坏人吗？

Am I the asshole for asking a girl to get off a treadmill in the gym and also arguing with her mother?

不是。

No.

我会说不是，但让我们看看其他人怎么想。

I'm gonna say no, but let's see what everyone else thinks.

你不是坏人，但下次你可以考虑先通知工作人员，而不是直接和母亲发生冲突。

Not the asshole, but next time you might consider just notifying an attendant first instead of like engaging with the mom.

对吧？

Right?

是的。

Yeah.

问题是这样。

Here's the thing.

很多妈妈都是混蛋。

A lot of moms are assholes.

很多爸爸也是混蛋。

A lot of dads are assholes.

很多父母都是混蛋。

A lot of parents are assholes.

他们在成为父母之前，甚至还是孩子的时候，就是混蛋了。

They were probably assholes before they became parents, when they were kids.

他们当过大学混蛋。

They became college assholes.

他们当过大学毕业后的混蛋。

They became post college assholes.

他们在三四十岁时成了混蛋，现在当了父母，却还是混蛋。

They became assholes in their thirties, forties, and now they're parents, but they're still assholes.

一个人当了妈妈或爸爸，并不意味着他们突然就 magically 摆脱了混蛋本性。

And just because someone is a mom or a dad doesn't mean all of a sudden they're magically, like, cured of assholeness.

那就叫混蛋吧。

Asshole it is.

有一次，真实故事，我和春去滑冰，那天是平安夜。

This one time, true story, I went ice skating with Haru, and it was on Christmas Eve.

那时候春还很小，你知道的，基本上是个小孩子。

And Haru was a little, you know, basically a baby at the time.

她大概五岁或六岁左右。

She was like maybe five, six.

所以我们去滑冰了。

So we go ice skating.

她特别开心。

She's so happy.

这件事我到现在讲起来还是难以置信。

This this I can't even I still can't believe it as I'm telling you.

有两个和春年纪差不多的女孩，她们是双胞胎，对吧？

These two girls that were about the same age as Haru, they're like twins, right?

穿得非常漂亮。

Dressed very nicely.

我想他们认出了Haru，因为那时候Haru正和我一起参加一档真人秀。

And I guess they recognized Haru from because Haru was on a reality show with me at the time.

我们那时已经退出了，但他们一定还记得。

We had quit by then, but they must have remembered.

所以她们好像说：‘哦，那是Haru。’

So they were like, I guess saying like, oh, that's Haru.

旁边有个妈妈或者奶奶。

And there there was a mom or a grandma.

我不太确定。

I'm not sure.

她看起来特别老。

She looked super old.

所以很可能那位奶奶和她们在一起，穿着一件奢华得不得了的大衣。

So probably grandma was with them, like in this lavish ass coat.

对吧？

Right?

而且我们根本不知道这些事在发生，因为我们当时只顾着买票之类的事情。

And I didn't even know like, we weren't even aware that this was going on because we were getting tickets and stuff like this.

对吧？

Right?

这位奶奶就过来说：‘你过来，和这些孩子跟Haru拍张照吧。’

And this this grandma's like, hey, you come over here and take pictures with my with with these kids to Haru.

对吧？

Right?

Haru就说了：‘我当时也愣住了，对吧？’

And Haru is like, I was like, Right?

她只是个孩子。

And she's just a kid.

所以她就问：‘这是怎么回事？’

So she's like, What's going on?

对吧？

Right?

我拿到了票，也听到了。

And I got the tickets and I heard it.

所以我问：出什么事了？

So I was like, What's going on?

她却说：让你孩子过来拍照。

And she's like, Tell your kid to come and take pictures.

我当时说：你应该自己去问。

And I was like, You should ask.

你不能命令我孩子做什么。

Like, you don't tell my kid what to do.

你能礼貌地问一下吗？

Can you please ask nicely?

她真的说了，用韩语，她真的对我的女儿说了。

And she's like, she legit said, in Korean, she legit said, But she said it to my daughter.

好吧？

Okay?

我当时没问题。

I was okay.

让我翻译一下。

Let me translate.

意思是，既然你们就是一群小丑， basically，是艺人或者名人，如果我们叫你们来拍照，你们就得来拍照。

What that means is since you guys are just clowns, basically, entertainers or famous people, if we tell you to come and do do this and take pictures, you you come and take pictures.

整个这种情况完全没必要。

And this is just like totally uncalled for, this whole situation.

其实，他们任何时候都可以直接过来礼貌地问一下。

Like, at any point, they could have just come up and asked.

这本来完全可以是一件文明又愉快的事。

It it could have been a very civil and happy thing.

对吧？

Right?

在我心里，我想着，今天是平安夜。

And in my mind, I'm like, it's this Christmas Eve.

我觉得这些双胞胎被迫以这种方式成长，目睹这一切，很可能以为这就是正常的做法，这让我感到非常难过。

I feel terrible that these twins have to be raised this way and see this happen and probably think that this is the normal way to to do things.

但我一直在犹豫，我该不该冲她大喊？

But I'm like, I'm like debating, should I should I yell at her?

我到底该怎么做才好？

Like, do I what do I do here?

今天可是平安夜，对吧？

It's Christmas Eve, right?

所以一瞬间我犹豫了该怎么做，因为是平安夜，尽管这整个情况完全没道理，我也不想毁了双胞胎的平安夜。

So in a split second I debated what to do because it was Christmas Eve and, you know, even though the situation was totally uncalled for, I didn't want to ruin the twins Christmas Eve either.

但我只是用一种冷静、冰冷、带着厌世语气的腔调，对那个女人说：‘你去死吧。’

But I just, in a calm, cold, tableau rapper mode, born hater mode voice, told the told the lady to go fuck herself.

我只是想说，这种人确实存在。

But I'm just saying, people like that exist.

有趣的是，在这种情况下，那位女士往往因为年纪大了，可能不会这么做。

And what's funny is in situations like this, quite often, that lady, because she was old, she might not do do it.

但如果她年轻一点，她可能会回家后在网上发帖，说她遇到了Tableau和他的孩子，但我是很礼貌地请求拍张照片之类的，结果他们拒绝了。

But, like, if she was a little younger, she would probably go home and then post online, oh, I ran into Tableau and his kid, but, like, I asked nicely for a photo or whatever, and they refused.

而整个互联网都会相信那个人，因为他们听不到我的说法，或者根本不在乎。

And and all of the Internet will believe that person because they don't get to hear my side or they don't care.

这就是他们愿意相信的东西。

That's what they want to believe.

所以我这么说是因为，肯定有人会说：怎么可能有人这么糟糕、这么自以为是、脑子这么有问题呢？

And so I'm saying that because somebody's definitely gonna be like, there's no way somebody's gonna be that fucked up or that entitled or that messed up in the head.

这种人确实存在。

They exist.

这种人多得数不清。

Countless numbers of them exist.

所以你不是那个混蛋。

So you're not the asshole.

我女儿的男朋友说他会修车，但我帮她修了，我是坏人吗？

Am I the asshole for fixing my daughter's car when her boyfriend said he'd handle it?

好吧。

Okay.

所以我想，这应该是个女儿控老爸。

So I guess that this is a this is a girl dad.

我女儿21岁，女生，我一直和她关系很亲密。

My daughter, 21, female, and I have always been pretty close.

几个月前她搬去和男朋友一起住了。

She moved in with her boyfriend a couple months ago.

看着她搬出去有点难熬，但我知道她已经成年了，正在建立自己的生活。

It was a little tough seeing her move out, but I know she's an adult and building her own life.

我觉得问题就出在这里——当老爸的太难过了。

I feel like the problem started here with the dad being sad.

总之，她开的是一辆高里程的老款卡罗拉。

Anyways, she drives an old Corolla with a lot of miles on it.

几周前，她提到当车速达到高速时，方向盘开始抖动。

A couple weeks ago, she mentioned the steering wheel had started shaking when she got up to the highway speeds.

她告诉我，她男朋友说他会处理这件事。

She told me her boyfriend said he would take care of it.

我来处理。

I'll take care of it.

又过了一周，但车还是没去检查。

Another week went by and it still hadn't been looked at.

上个周末她来我这里，说车况变得更糟了，开车让她开始感到紧张。

Last weekend she came by to my place and said the car was getting worse, and it was starting to make her nervous to drive.

于是我开车试了一下，果然方向盘抖得很厉害，刹车时车身也会震动。

So I took it for a quick drive and sure enough, the wheel was shaking pretty bad and it shuddered when I hit the brakes.

我在车道上拆下了前轮，发现前刹车盘已经变形，刹车片磨损得也不均匀。

I pulled the front wheels off in the driveway, and it was pretty obvious the front brake rotors were warped and the brake pads were worn unevenly.

我赶紧去汽配店买了新的刹车盘和刹车片，当天下午就换好了。

I ran to the parts store, grabbed new rotors and pads, and swapped them out that afternoon.

花了几个小时，之后车子开起来又平稳了。

Took a couple of hours, and after that, the car drove smooth again.

我女儿非常高兴，一再感谢我。

My daughter was really happy and thanked me a bunch.

对我来说，这没什么大不了的。

To me, it wasn't a big deal.

我一辈子都在修车，而她是我的孩子。

I've worked on cars most of my life, and she's my kid.

她是我的女儿。

She's my daughter.

几天后，她和她男朋友来我家吃晚饭。

A few days later, she and her boyfriend came over for dinner.

有一刻，他把我拉到一旁，告诉我：你不该修车的。

At one point, he pulled me aside and told me, You shouldn't have fixed the car.

这是我的责任。

It's my responsibility.

作为她的男朋友，处理这种事情是我的责任。

As her boyfriend, it's my responsibility to handle that kind of thing.

你越界了。

You stepped on my toes.

从那以后，他对我就很冷淡，气氛也变得很奇怪。

Since then, he's been pretty short with me and the vibe has been weird.

我女儿说，他觉得我削弱了他的地位。

My daughter says he feels like I undermined him.

在我看来，她仍然是我的女儿，如果她的车有什么安全隐患，而我一个下午就能修好，我当然会去修。

From my point of view, she's still my daughter and if something on her car is unsafe and I can fix it in an afternoon, I'm going to.

先生，您修得非常好，先生。

And sir, you did a good job, sir.

这混蛋真让人火大。

Fuck this guy.

这个男朋友真差劲。

This boyfriend sucks.

她可能会有危险。

She could have been in danger.

你知道，这可不是什么随便的事。

You know, this isn't just some like fickle thing.

这关系到她的生命安全。

This is like her literal safety.

她可能会受伤，甚至丧命。

Know, she could be harmed, she could die.

她可能会伤害到别人。

Like she could hurt someone else.

这是一件非常严重的事情，而这个男朋友的行为只是众多问题中的一个。

Like this is a serious serious fucking matter and this boyfriend clearly, it's one of many things.

他可能只是懒惰，或者在装样子，或者根本不在乎她的安全和福祉。

He could just be lazy, He could be grandstanding or like not actually interested in her safety or well-being.

或者他可能就是那种类型的男人，觉得‘哦，是的，一切都会好起来的’。

Or he might just be like one of those guys who was like, Oh yeah, everything will be fine.

又不是车会出事故。

It's not like the car is gonna get into an accident.

又不是你会死，你知道的。

It's not like you're gonna, you know, you're not gonna die.

所有这些品质，都是我女儿男朋友的致命缺点。

All of those things are terrible qualities for a boyfriend of my daughter.

对不起。

I'm sorry.

你搬回来了。

You moved back.

真是个懒虫。

What a slacker.

如果你他娘的答应了要修车，那你就得把车修好。

If you fucking promised you're gonna fix the car, you fixed the car.

我打赌他平时也老是蹭别人的车搭。

I bet he's bumming rides all the time too.

他连自己的安全都不在乎，连自己经常搭便车的车都不愿意修。

He doesn't even care about his own safety enough to fix the damn car that he's like, you know, hitching rides on.

在座的各位如果不知道的话，其实我也是一个女儿的爸爸。

For any of you that don't know, I'm actually a girl dad as well.

我有一个女儿。

I'm a I'm a I have a daughter.

如果她男朋友这么干，我根本就不会去修车。

And if her boyfriend did this, I'd be like, I wouldn't even fix the car.

我会说：女儿，这是你的新车，法拉利。

I'd be like, Daughter, here's your new Ferrari.

只有一个条件。

Only one condition.

评论里说，他更在意自己的形象，而不是你女儿的安全。

The comments, He's more concerned about how he looks than your daughter's safety.

没错！

Exactly!

我真心建议她想想他还有哪些其他方式在控制她。

I would honestly suggest she thinks about what other ways he tries to control her.

是的。

Yeah.

他只是想看起来很酷。

Like, he's trying to look good.

我看起来怎么样根本不该成为考虑的因素。

Like, me looking good shouldn't even be part of the equation.

如果你真的爱一个人，唯一重要的应该是他们是否安全、是否快乐、他们的福祉是否得到了保障。

The only thing that should matter if you truly love a person is whether or not they're safe, whether or not they're happy, whether or not their well-being is being taken care of.

对吧？

Right?

谁在乎你长什么样？

Who cares how you look?

我在家的99%时间都看起来像个傻子。

I look like an absolute fool 99% of the time when I'm home.

明白吗？

Okay?

我就像是长了米老鼠的手，我妻子和女儿根本不会想，哇，这人真酷。

Just like, I'm basically, I got like Mickey Mouse hands, my wife, my daughter, they're not like, Oh, what a cool guy.

她们才不会这么想。

What a They don't do that.

春也不会想，我爸爸是超级英雄。

Haru is not like, My dad is a superhero.

她从不这么想。

She doesn't do that.

她只会说，天啊，我爸爸真是个傻瓜。

She's like, Damn, my dad's an idiot.

99%的时间都是这样。

99% of the time.

但那剩下的1%时间，当她们真的需要我时，我会立刻出现。

But that 1% of the time when they really need me, I am there immediately.

我从不拖延。

I don't put it off.

我不会说，哦，等我去打完高尔夫再修车。

I don't say, Oh, I'll fix the car after I go golf.

事实上，我根本不打高尔夫。

In fact, I don't even golf.

我不打高尔夫。

I don't golf.

打高尔夫每次都要六个小时，而我根本没有这个问题。

Golfing requires like six hours every time and I don't have that problem.

但我也不开车。

But I don't drive either.

所以当你提到那个人谈论刹车盘之类的东西时，我完全听不懂，他们说的那些东西简直就像独角兽的零件。

So when you were talking when this person was talking about rotors and stuff, have no idea what I was like, they they might as well be like parts of a unicorn.

完全让我摸不着头脑。

Like, makes no sense to me.

总之，我们来看另一个例子。

Anyways, let's look at another one.

我因为把嫂子织给我的毛衣染了颜色，是不是很过分？

Am I the asshole for dying the sweater my sister-in-law knitted for me?

我的嫂子，我弟弟的妻子，主动提出要给我织一件毛衣。

My sister-in-law, my brother's wife, offered to make me a sweater.

我自己也会织毛衣，所以我理解完成一件作品需要投入多少时间和精力。

I am also a knitter, and I understand the time and effort that goes into a project.

我答应了，但提出能不能自己选颜色，还说愿意出钱买毛线。

I said yes, but asked if I could pick out the color and also said I would happily pay for the yarn.

她拒绝了，说她只是想找个理由用掉自己已经囤的毛线。

She declined and said she wanted it as an excuse to use up her stash that she already has.

她给我织好了毛衣，合身极了，但颜色是米色，我根本不会穿。

She finished the sweater for me and it fit great, but was in a beige color that I would never wear.

我是柔秋型人，偏爱李子色、玫瑰色、砖红色、橄榄色等等。

I'm a soft autumn who favors plums, roses, terracottas, olives, etcetera.

我不太喜欢纯色，但我很喜欢这件毛衣的款式，所以最后我把它染成了漂亮的绿色。

I don't like plain colors very much, but I love the look of the sweater, so I ended up dyeing it to a pretty green.

我穿着它和家人待在一起时，她也在场。

I wore it when I was hanging out with the family and she was there.

她说它看起来像是她给我织的那件。

She said it looked like the one she had made me.

我说，没错，但我把它染了色。

I said, It is, but I dyed it.

她盯着我看了很久，最后说：我希望你提前告诉我你要做这种事。

She stared at me for a long time and finally said, I wish you would have told me you were gonna do something like that.

我根本不会把我的Malabrigo羊毛浪费在你身上。

I wouldn't have wasted my Malabrigo on you.

Malabrigo是什么？

What is a Malabrigo?

我完全不知道。

I have no clue.

是的，我想这是一种米色的毛线。

Yeah, I guess it's some kind of yarn that's beige.

我感到很惊讶，告诉她我非常喜欢这件毛衣。

I was taken aback and told her that I absolutely loved the sweater.

我根本不会穿它作为米色的样子。

I just would have never worn it as a beige.

她脸上露出一副酸柠檬的表情，说她以后绝不会再为我织任何东西。

She got the sour lemon look on her face and said she would keep in mind to never ever knit anything for me again.

她完全有权利不再为我织东西。

She has every right to not knit for me again.

但把这件毛衣染色真的有那么严重吗？

But was dying that sweater really that big of a deal?

我是混蛋吗？

Am I the asshole?

这真是个棘手的问题。

This is a tricky one.

所以让我们看看评论区里的专家们怎么说。

So let's go to the experts in the comments.

好吧。

Okay.

有个人说：嗨。

One person's like, hi.

我是个织毛衣的，也是个纱线挑剔者。

Knitter and yarn snob here.

你不是混蛋。

Not the asshole.

你可以告诉她，Malabrigo 并没有那么特别，她当初本该听你的关于颜色的建议。

And you can tell her Malabrigo is not that special, and she should have listened to you about the color in the first place.

是的。

Yeah.

看到了吧？

See?

马毛线也没那么特别。

The Malabrigo was not that special.

我的意思是，它就是普通的马毛线。

I mean, it's just a Malabrigo.

不是所有的马毛线都是特别的马毛线。

Not all malabrigos are special malabrigos.

对吧？

Right?

好吧，再来一个。

Okay, here's another one.

谁他娘的会买米色的马毛线？

Who the fuck buys beige malabrigo?

好吧，这个人好像对马毛线有心理阴影。

Okay, this person has like some kind of malabrigo trauma.

如果是特别的色系，那我确实会不爽。

If it was a special color line, sure, I'd be annoyed.

像是生肖年度色系之类的。

Like, color of the year of the zodiac line or something.

好吧。

Okay.

yarn 和编织这个领域的世界简直太棒了。

The universe of that is yarns and and knitting is incredible.

当然，如果我正在为某人织毛衣，并且知道他们很在意颜色，我会让他们从 SQs 里选。

Of course, if I were knitting a sweater for someone and knew they cared about the color, I'd let them pick from SQs.

我想，我不清楚那是什么。

I guess, I don't know what that is.

颜色。

Colors.

作为一个织者，我不是那种讨厌的人，但似乎嫂子的要求也太多了。

As a knitter, not the asshole, and it seems like sister-in-law is is a lot.

好吧。

Okay.

我就直说了，这其实是个挺棘手的情况，比如说，这事儿跟编织没关系。

I'm just gonna say, like, this is a tricky situation where, like, let's say let's say that this wasn't knitting.

假设这个嫂子是个发型师或者搞头发的。

Let's say the sister-in-law was a hair style stylist or hair person.

你去她的店，她给你剪头发或者造型。

You go to her shop and she cuts your hair or, like, styles your hair.

结果第二天你不太满意，就去别家重新剪了一次。

And the next day, you don't like it very much, so the next day you go to another place and you cut it again.

然后你去家庭聚会，她问：‘我给你剪得这么短？’

And then you go to the family gathering and she's like, you did I cut it that short?

她还说：‘没有啊，我就只是稍微修了下刘海而已。’

And she's like, no, I kinda I just cut a little bit off like the bangs.

我能理解他们可能会觉得，如果你不喜欢，本来可以直接告诉我；但另一方面，如果你真被弄成个傻样，那也只能这么办了。

I can see how they they might feel like, you know, if you didn't like it, you could have just told me like but at the same time, if they made you look like an idiot, you gotta do what you gotta do.

很多人觉得她不是坏人，因为她没给你选择的余地。

A lot of people are like, not the asshole because she didn't give you a choice.

但撇开这个不说，我从阅读这些麻省理工的家伙们的言论中发现，人们太较真了。

But that aside, what I've noticed from reading all these MIT assholes, people are too serious.

通常，当有人生气、被激怒或过度反应时，往往是因为他们太过于严肃了。

Usually, when someone gets, like, mad, like, someone gets angry or, like, a lot of times when people get like triggered and overreact, it's because they are too damn serious.

活得这么严肃真的很难。

Like, it's hard to get through life being that serious.

我们面对的事情可不止是Malabrigo毛线。

We have more to deal with than Malabrigo.

还有其他乱七八糟的毛线等着我们去解开。

There's other yarns we need to untangle.

在前行的路上，你会遇到一大堆巨大的毛线团需要解开。

There's like huge balls of yarn you're gonna have to untangle as you go.

但同时，这位发帖人其实可以问问嫂子：‘我把它染成绿色可以吗？’

But also, like the the poster could have asked the sister-in-law, is it okay if I if I dye it green?

因为你知道，我其实不太穿米色。

Because I, you know, I don't really wear beige.

然后她就说：‘你怎么敢问我这个问题？’

And then she's like, How dare you ask me that?

我浪费了我的马ala帕里瓦危险。

I wasted my mala pariva hazard.

然后你就能明白，她真是疯了。

Then you can just realize that she's batshit crazy.

从远处看，那些觉得自己有理却过度反应的人，总是像个傻子。

From far away, someone who feels justified but is like overreacting always looks like the fool.

别紧张。

So chill.

冷静点。

Calm down.

我是不是混蛋，因为我把妹妹的性别揭示蛋糕做成了灰色？

Am I the asshole for making my sister's gender reveal cake gray?

因为她不肯告诉我性别。

Because she wouldn't tell me the gender.

我，23岁男性，烘焙是我的爱好，而且我其实挺擅长的。

I, 23 male, bake as a hobby, and I'm actually pretty good at it.

比如，我私下里会为婚礼和婴儿派对收钱。

Like, I get paid under the table for weddings and baby showers.

我妹妹怀孕了，想让我给她做性别揭晓蛋糕。

My sister is pregnant and wanted me to make the cake for her gender reveal.

我让她发给我信息，这样我好准备里面的馅料，比如经典的粉色或蓝色夹心。

I asked her to send me the info so I could, you know, prep the inside, like classic pink or blue filling.

她说：不不不不不。

She says, oh, no no no no no.

我想保持惊喜。

I I wanna be surprised.

她说会有人稍后发信息给我。

She says she'll have someone email the info to me later.

但后来没人发过来。

But someone never did.

截止日期到了，我却还是不知道性别。

Deadline comes, and I still have no gender.

于是我做了蛋糕。

So I make the cake.

里面是灰色的，外面也是灰色的，完全就是水泥风。

It's gray inside, gray outside, just full on cement vibes.

我还特意加了点糖霜云朵来营造效果。

I even added little fondant clouds for effect.

味道还是很好，但看起来简直糟糕透顶。

It still tastes great, but visually, grim as hell.

揭晓那天，他们切开蛋糕，我姐姐气坏了。

The reveal day comes, they cut into it, and my sister looks pissed.

她丈夫一脸困惑。

Her husband is confused.

人们开始窃窃私语。

People start murmuring.

然后她把我拉到一边说：好吧，让我先说一句，再继续。

Then she pulls me aside like, okay, let me just say before I continue.

到目前为止，在Reddit上，这个人是写得最好的。

So far on Reddit, this person is the best writer.

明白吗？

Okay?

这个人写得真不错。

This person is good.

我查了一下，这是十个月前的事了，但那个账号已经被删了。

And I I checked, and this was ten months ago, but the account has been deleted.

我跟你说，这个人简直就像个著名作家什么的。

I'm telling you, this person is is like a famous author or something.

明白吗？

Okay?

我简直被吸引住了。

I'm, like, riveted.

我现在完全投入进去了。

I'm invested right now.

总之，好吧，丈夫一脸困惑。

Anyways, okay, so husband's confused.

姐姐看起来很生气。

Sister looks pissed.

人们开始窃窃私语。

People start murmuring.

然后她把我拉到一边，问我：你为什么要把它弄成灰色？

Then she pulls me aside and she says, Why would you make it grey?

这太被动攻击性了。

That's so passive aggressive.

我平静地提醒她，没人告诉我性别。

I calmly reminded her that no one told me the gender.

我手头根本没有任何信息可以参考。

I literally had no data to work with.

我告诉她，我不会去猜，也不会随便给别人的宝宝蛋糕搞即兴发挥。

I told her I wasn't about to guess or go full improv on someone's baby cake.

现在，我妈妈说我当着全家人的面让她丢脸了，说我应该再努力一点。

Now, my mom says I embarrassed her in front of the family and that I should have tried harder.

努力去干什么？

Tried harder to do what?

靠气场召唤出性别吗？

Summon the gender through vibes?

有个编辑。

There's an edit.

我其实确实跟进过了。

I actually did follow-up.

在公布前几天，我问她信息有没有发过来，她只是说类似‘有人在处理’的话。

I asked her a couple days before the reveal if the info had been sent, and she just said something like, someone's taking care of it.

我以为这事已经解决了。

I figured it was handled.

我当时不想打扰她，因为她那时看起来对此挺随意的。

I didn't want to pester her since she seemed chill about it at the time.

好吧。

Okay.

这有点棘手，因为我觉得其实有更多有创意的方式来处理这种情况。

This is tricky because I think there is there could have been more creative ways to handle this situation.

你可以把蛋糕做成一半粉红一半蓝色来制造惊喜，或者做两个蛋糕，但实际上，也许完全用灰色、彻底走爱伦·坡风格才是更有创意的选择，比如全水泥风。

You could have made the cake half pink and half blue to surprise or you could have made two cakes and just actually, maybe just doing it completely gray and full on Edgar Allan Poe might have been the more creative choice, like full on cement.

我们来看看评论怎么说。

Let's look at what the comments say.

你为什么没告诉她你根本没收到邮件，这样你就能做出她想要的性别揭晓蛋糕了？

Why didn't you tell her you never received the email so you could make the gender reveal cake she wanted?

我告诉过她。

I did.

我在送蛋糕的时候就告诉她我没收到邮件，而且我不想冒险猜错。

I told her when I dropped off the cake that I never got the email and I didn't want to risk guessing wrong.

这位作者在每条评论里都在极力为自己辩护。

This author is like fully in every comment defending himself.

你应该让她知道你没有收到信息。

You should have let her know you didn't have the info.

你本可以选一个可爱的普通巧克力或香草蛋糕，但你却选择变得刻薄和小气。

You could have just gone with a cute normal chocolate or vanilla cake, but no, you chose to be mean and petty.

你才是那个混蛋。

You're the asshole.

这真的是最搞笑的部分。

That's honestly the funniest part.

我不确定该做蓝色的还是粉色的。

I didn't know if I should make it blue or pink.

我特意做了中性颜色的蛋糕。

Went entirely out of my way to make a neutral color.

中性颜色的蛋糕就是巧克力或香草味的。

A neutral colored cake is chocolate or vanilla.

大家都说，人们很在意蛋糕。

Everyone is like, people care about cake.

但让我这么说吧，我可能有点讨人厌，但有时候我们真得感谢身边那些轻微的讨人厌的人——那些不会伤害我们、攻击我们，也不会真正毁掉我们生活的人，比如，为了性别派对特意做了一个灰色的蛋糕的人。

But let me just say, possibly a little bit of an asshole, but sometimes sometimes sometimes we have to thank the assholes around us, like the mild assholes, like the assholes who, you know, don't like harm us or or attack us or, you know, actually ruin our lives, but, you know, just make a cake that's gray for a gender reveal.

是的。

Yes.

也许稍微破坏了性别派对的氛围，但十年后，对所有相关的人来说，这比一个简单的蓝色、粉色、红色或巧克力蛋糕要难忘得多。

Might have ruined the gender reveal party a little bit, but it'll be way more memorable ten years from now for all parties involved than just some, you know, just a blue or, you know, pink or red cake or chocolate cake.

我不知道。

I don't know.

如果有人这么做，我一点也不介意，我只会笑到肚子疼。

I would I wouldn't mind if somebody did this, I would just laugh my ass off.

如果蛋糕和毛衣对你来说很重要，那我凭什么说这不对呢？

And I mean, if cakes and sweaters matter to you, then who am I to say it shouldn't?

但就我个人而言，如果有人这么做，我只会笑，因为这太搞笑了。

But personally for me, if somebody did this, I would just laugh because it's like funny.

这太搞笑了，这个人居然做了一个全水泥灰色的蛋糕，因为我们忘了告诉他宝宝的性别。

It's like, this is hilarious that this person made a full on cement gray cake because we forgot to tell him like the gender of the baby.

我会拿着这个灰色蛋糕拍照。

And this is I would be like taking pictures with the gray cake.

这可是以后讲给我孩子听的故事。

And it's what a story to tell my kid.

你知道吗，在你的性别派对上，你叔叔做了一个全水泥蛋糕。

You know, at your gender reveal party, your uncle made a full cement cake.

看看这张照片。

Check out this picture.

所有东西都是彩色的，只有蛋糕不是。

It's fully colored except the cake.

蛋糕是黑白的。

The cake is in black and white.

你知道的，我向来不把事情看得太严肃。

You know, it would've you know, I I tend to not take things too seriously.

人们总是对我干些荒唐的事，尤其是DJ Toucats。

Like, people do fucked up shit to me all the time, especially DJ Toucats.

他毁掉我的生日派对和所有特别场合。

Ruins my birthday parties and any special occasion.

他完全搞砸了，让所有人都扫兴。

He just completely destroys it and ruins it for everyone.

但我并不真的生气。

But I don't get that mad.

我就觉得挺搞笑的。

I'm just like funny.

你知道他们本来可以怎么做吗？

You know what they could have done?

问你猜猜看。

Ask you for prediction.

是的。

Yeah.

他们本可以的。

They could have.

他们本可以来找我，Tableau，问你妹妹的孩子性别，我能以62.5%的准确率猜对。

They could have come to, hey, Tableau, asked the gender of the baby of your sister, and with 62.5% accuracy, I would have guessed right.

你蛋糕的颜色有62.5%的概率会正确地是蓝色或粉色。

62.5% of your cake would have either been blue or pink correctly.

你们不需要Calcchi或者这些预测标记。

You guys don't need Calcchi or these prediction markers.

干脆把所有那些应用都删了。

Just get rid of all those apps.

每周来一次Tableau，我会帮你预测并解决所有问题。

Come to, hey, Tableau once a week, and I will predict for you all your all your problems away.

我会把它们都预测掉。

I'll predict them away.

这就是邪教如何终结的。

This is how cult stopped.

62.5%的人。

The 62.5 percenters.

你也是6.25%的吗？

Are you from the 6.25 as well?

是的。

Yes.

62.5%。

62.5.

62.5%。

62.5.

我把眼球贴在冰箱里所有食物上以防偷吃，我是混蛋吗？

Am I the asshole for putting googly eyes on all the food in the fridge to prevent snacking?

我室友什么都吃。

My roommate eats everything.

我买一包奶酪棒，第二天早上就全没了。

I'll buy a pack of cheese sticks and they're gone by morning.

我先礼貌地请求了，然后给东西贴了标签。

I asked nicely, then I labeled the stuff.

没有任何改变。

No change.

于是我灵机一动。

So I got creative.

我买了一包贴纸式的眼球，贴在了所有东西上。

I bought a pack of stick on googly eyes and put them on everything.

牛奶？

Milk?

眼睛。

Eyes.

剩的意大利面？

Leftover spaghetti?

在评判你。

Judging you.

我还贴了一个在香蕉上。

Even taped one to a banana.

这招管用了。

It worked.

他说这让他觉得毛骨悚然，于是不再吃我的东西了。

He said it creeped him out, and he stopped eating my stuff.

现在他说我这是被动攻击，把冰箱变成了一个情感上充满敌意的空间。

Now he says I'm being passive aggressive and creating an emotionally hostile refrigerator.

你知道吗，有些人就是应该被允许说出自己的想法。

You know, some people just should be allowed to say words.

我因为把冰箱变成一部监控恐怖片来阻止我的食物消失，是个混蛋吗？

Am I the asshole for turning the fridge into a surveillance horror movie to stop my food from vanishing?

首先，创意满分。

First of all, points for the creativity.

给你的食物赋予个性，让它们不能被随意吃掉，这是一种办法。

Giving your food personalities so that they can't just be devoured is is one way to do it.

我们来看看评论吧。

Let's look at the comments.

好的。

Okay.

我觉得你应该在冰箱门上贴个标签，写上‘情绪恶劣的冰箱’。

I think you should put a sign on the fridge door that says Emotionally Hostile Refrigerator.

老实说，如果LG推出一款情绪恶劣的冰箱，我一定买。

Not gonna lie, if LG drops an emotionally hostile refrigerator, I'm buying.

如果我去商店买新冰箱，他们说：这是带AI功能的新冰箱，这是只情绪恶劣的冰箱。

If I go to the store to get a new fridge and they're like, this is the new fridge with AI functions and this is the fridge that is just emotionally hostile.

我肯定会选那个。

I'm gonna be like, I'm getting that one.

多棒的说法啊。

What a phrase.

情绪恶劣的冰箱。

Emotionally hostile refrigerator.

每个人都爱这个。

Everyone is in love with this.

我爱这个情绪敌对的冰箱。

I'm in love with emotional hostile refrigerator.

这是有史以来最棒的短语。

This is the greatest phrase ever.

这其实并不是被动攻击。

This isn't really passive aggressive.

这仅仅是一种富有创意且有趣的方式来处理事情。

This is just a creative and sort of fun way to handle things.

之前他也警告过他几次。

So he's warned him a few times as well before.

是的。

Yeah.

别吃别人的东西，天啊。

Don't eat other people's oh my god.

如果哈德尔现在正在看这个，她会开始到处贴上玻璃珠眼睛。

If Huddle's watching this right now, she's gonna start putting googly eyes everywhere.

她经常对我很生气，因为有时候我也不知道自己怎么了。

She gets so upset at me because sometimes I'll just I don't know what it is.

我只是回家。

I just come home.

我妻子会问：‘你想吃点夜宵吗？’

My wife's like, do you want like a late dinner?

我会说：‘不用了。’

And I'm like, no.

不用了。

No.

不用了。

No.

我没事。

I'm okay.

我觉得现在吃太晚了。

Like, it's too late for me to eat.

她就说，好吧。

And she's like, okay.

你确定吗？

Are you sure?

因为，是的，你不可能在凌晨两点还出来吃东西。

Because, yeah, like, you're not gonna come out and eat something like at 2AM.

对吧？

Right?

我就说，不。

And I'm like, no.

我身体很健康。

I'm like healthy.

我喜欢锻炼。

I like workout.

然后正好在凌晨两点，我盯着冰箱说：有什么能吃的吗？

And then exactly at 2AM, I'm like, looking in the fridge and saying, Anything to eat?

然后厨房桌上有点东西，我就吃了。

And then there's something like on the kitchen table and I eat it.

第二天，春就问：谁吃了这个？

Next day Haru's like, who ate this?

这是我最喜欢的东西。

This was my favorite thing.

谁吃的？

Who ate it?

一直都是我。

And it's always me.

对吧？

Right?

所以我被骂了，还得应付一个情绪敌对的家庭。

So I get yelled at and then I have to deal with an emotionally hostile family.

我懂。

I I get it.

如果哈德尔给所有东西都贴上玻璃珠眼睛，我肯定会在吃之前再三考虑。

If Huddle puts googly eyes on on everything, I definitely will think twice before I before I eat it.

就此，我们结束《嘿，表格》。

And with that, we conclude Hey Tableau.

下周请继续关注我们的精彩内容。

Join us next week for some incredible content.

你会大吃一惊的。

You will be blown away.

我们为你准备了惊人的内容。

We have something amazing for you.

请前往每一个播客平台。

Please go to every podcast platform.

即使你不用这些平台，即使你只是在YouTube上观看，也去那些平台给个评分和评论吧。

Even if you don't use it, even if you're only watching on YouTube, go to those platforms and rate review.

给我打个五星级好评，夸到天上去。

Give me like five stars and like praise it to the heavens.

另外，如果你现在只是在听音频，我知道很多我们的听众都是只听音频，比如通勤时，你可能想回来看看YouTube上的视频，因为视频能带来另一层乐趣。

And also, if you're only listening on audio right now, I know a lot of our community is listening audio only, like on commutes and stuff, you might wanna come back to the YouTube channel and see the video too because the video adds like another layer of fun.

所以我想说的是，尽量听和看所有内容，全部都要。

So what I'm trying to say is just listen and watch everything, everything.

而且，这是一次毫不掩饰的广告，推荐我另一档节目《Epikaze》，这周的嘉宾简直太棒了。

And also, this is a shameless plug for another show of mine, Epikaze this week has the most incredible guests.

请一定要去看看。

So please check that out.

周四。

Thursday.

BTS，RM，糖。

BTS, RM, sugar.

嘿，Tableau。

Hey, Tableau.