视角：你可以飞行和穿越时间，但前提是必须做这件事 😳 | Hey Tablo 第18集

你可以瞬间传送到任何在网上惹你生气的陌生人旁边。

You can instantly teleport next to any anonymous person that pisses you off online.

Reddit 上好像有个叫 '超烂超能力' 的板块。

Apparently there's this thing on Reddit called shittysuperpowers.

Reddit 真的是啥都有。

Reddit literally has everything.

嘿，塔布罗！

Hey Tablo!

超级英雄季又要回来了。

Superhero season is coming back.

以前有一阵子，大家看腻了超级英雄，谁都不想碰这玩意儿。

There was a period of time where people had superhero fatigue and wanted nothing to do with superheroes or superhero movies.

但今年夏天有《蜘蛛侠》，接着又是《复仇者联盟》。

But this year, we're getting Spider Man this summer and then Avengers.

末日降临。

Doomsday.

雷神也要回来了。

Thor is coming back.

史蒂夫·罗杰斯。

Steve Rogers.

美国队长要回归了。

Captain America is coming back.

还有《神奇四侠》也会加入。

And there's gonna be like Fantastic Four in there.

还有X战警。

And X Men.

就是原来的那批X战警演员。

Like the original X Men cast.

独眼龙、X教授、万磁王，原班人马全都要回来。

Cyclops, Professor X, Magneto, the original cast is coming back.

我知道漫威在藏着掖着，嘴上否认，但我敢肯定，他们年底之前一定会放出最后一个预告片，因为电影不是定在十二月上映吗？

And I know like, Marvel's hiding it and they're denying it, but I know that the last teaser they're gonna drop before the end of the year, because it's coming out like December, right?

百分之六十二点五。

62.5%.

你等着瞧吧。

You watch.

我敢说我的预测准确率有六十二点五百分比。

I'm gonna predict with 62.5% accuracy.

他们最后放出的角色肯定是死侍。

The last character that they're gonna drop is Deadpool.

我打赌死侍和金刚狼肯定会出现。

I guarantee you Deadpool and Wolverine are gonna be in it.

我不确定金刚狼会不会出现。

I'm not sure if Wolverine's gonna be in it.

行吧。

Okay.

那就是三十六点五到三十七点五。

That's the 36 37.5.

是的

Yeah.

那37.5%是我拿不准的部分。

That's the 37.5% that I'm not sure about.

但另外那62.5%，我敢肯定死侍一定会出场，还可能会跟蜘蛛侠来段对手戏啥的。

But the other 62.5%, I know Deadpool's gonna come out, and he's gonna have, like, a scene with Spider Man or something.

场面绝对会炸裂，直接颠覆世界观。

And it's gonna be, like, it's gonna be fucking world shattering.

整个超级英雄季会彻底回归，漫威终于能补上这些年堆的那些没用的烂内容了。

And then that whole, like, superhero season is gonna fully be back, and Marvel is gonna finally make up for years and years of content we didn't need.

但他们真会干成这事。

But they're gonna do it.

他们一定能搞定。

They're gonna pull it off.

我就是知道。

I know it.

所以今天我们要干的事儿是，有个Reddit子版块，专门让人发一些烂到家的超能力或者烂英雄点子。

So what we're gonna do today is there's this subreddit, and it's just people posting their ideas for shitty superpowers and shitty superheroes.

咱们一个个看，还要更进一步——直接听他们念出来。

We're gonna go through them, and we're gonna go a step further and hear them.

明白不？

Okay?

今天我可得彻底放飞自我了，因为我根本没法同时干好几件事。

So I'm gonna be fully ADHD mode today because I can't do multiple things at once.

我是说，我做YouTube、做播客、写歌、还给别人写歌。

I mean, I do YouTube, have a podcast, I make music, I write songs for other people.

有时候呢，我甚至写书。

Sometimes I write like just books.

我还带孩子。

I raise a child.

我觉得我是个不错的丈夫。

I'm a good husband I think.

我这些事儿全用一只手就忙活过来了。

I mean I juggle all of that with one hand.

对了，说到超能力，我有个本事特别强——特别会起名字和标题。

Oh by the way, speaking of superpowers, I have the superpower of coming up with really good names and titles.

明白吧？

Okay?

我写过四百多首歌了。

I've written 400 something songs.

每首歌的标题都是我起的。

I came up with titles for all of them.

所以我给咱们这个社群也想了个名字。

So I came up with a name for our community.

我真没想到，这事儿居然拖到现在才想到。

I don't know why it never occurred to me before.

你懂的，说唱歌手老爱提那些黑粉吧？

You know how rappers always talk about haters?

所以我们叫他‘嘿，塔博’，‘嘿，塔博’，干脆叫‘嘿，塔兹’吧。

But we're like Hey Tablo, so Hey Tablo, so Hey Taz.

我们就叫‘嘿，塔兹’。

We are Hey Tas.

这名字不咋样？

Not good?

还在打磨中呢。

It's a work in progress.

明白不？

Okay?

咱们看看评论咋说。

We'll see the comments.

赶紧留言啊。

Leave a comment.

嘿，塔兹。

Hey Tas.

嘿，Tas。

H E Y T A S.

嘿，Tas。

Hey Tas.

总之，这叫‘垃圾超能力’。

Anyways, shittysuperpowers.

来咯。

Here we go.

第一个。

The first one.

你打架的时候，能召唤一个70岁以上的老头来帮你。

You can summon a random man who is 70 years old or older to help you when you are in a fight.

刚有人评论说：‘你就凭这玩意儿，还敢跟谁打？’

Someone just commented, Just waiting for someone to say, You and what army?

然后你就把这70岁的老头召唤出来。

And then you summon the 70 year old.

所以你是说，这算超能力，是因为你召唤出来的那个七十岁老头会说些特别疯的话，对吧？

Okay, so I take it that this is a superpower because the 70 year old that you summon will say some crazy shit, right?

或者他

Or he

可能是个前拳击手呢。

could be like an ex boxer.

谁知道呢？

Who knows?

我反正第一反应不会觉得召唤个七十岁老头是为了这个。

I don't think that's the first thing that comes to mind when you summon a seven year old man.

好吧。

Okay.

我不确定原帖是不是这个意思，但我觉得吧，这个七十岁老头一开口，

I'm not sure if this is what the original poster intended, but my take on this is that the seven Okay.

准得蹦出些离谱的话来。

A seven year old man is gonna say some crazy ass shit.

他们是来自那个年代的，你知道吧？

Like, they come from a time, okay?

那时候的人说话，有些话现在根本没法忍。

They come from a time where they were saying things that you should not be getting away with.

他们脑子里有些特别离谱的想法。

They had some fucked up views.

如果你召唤出来的这个七岁老头就是那种人，我敢打赌，他准会蹦出一堆荒唐到极点的话，完全不适合2026年，而你对面那家伙明显是2026年的人。

And if this seven year old man that you summon is one of those seven year old men, I'm sure he'll say some outrageous wild shit that does not belong in 2026 to this person that you're fighting who presumably is from 2026.

那场面，直接把他脑子干烧了。

So it will melt his mind.

就是那种，你知道的，长辈们常说的那些话？

Like some of the shit You know the shit that grandparents say?

你爱他们，毕竟他们是长辈，可说的话真是错得离谱。

Like you love them because they're your grandparents but terribly wrong.

你想象一下，我正跟米特拉和透子吵架呢，突然召唤出个七岁老头——算了，不说了。

Just imagine like a seven year old man like I summon a seven year old man when I'm with Mithra and Toukatsu and I'm arguing with them and the seven year old actually never mind.

我现在跟一群七岁小孩儿组队。

I'm in a team with seven year old men.

打斗的时候召唤个七岁小孩儿。

Summon a seven year old man in a fight.

等等，你是不是觉得原帖作者就是这个意思？

Wait, is this what you think the original poster was intending?

还是说，你觉得七十岁的老头儿身子骨弱，拿他当人肉盾牌，那个前拳击手就不敢对你下重手了，毕竟你挡着个七岁孩子？

Or is it because like a 70 year old man is frail, so if you use him as a human shield, the ex boxer that you're fighting with is less likely to punch the shit out of you because now you have a human shield that is seven years old.

我一开始也是这么想的。

That was where my mind went

我一听到就立刻想到，

when I Okay.

一个七岁小孩儿突然开喷，疯狂输出。

My mind went straight to a seven year old like going on a crazy ass rant.

明白吧？

Okay?

行吧。

That is Okay.

我打算把那个七岁的小孩放在B级。

I'm gonna place seven year old man at B.

这有S级、A级、B级、C级和D级。

There's an S level, A level, B level, C level and D level.

我觉得他大概算B级吧，毕竟当人肉盾牌的话，也帮不上啥忙。

I think he's about a B because, you know, if he's the human shield, it's not going to help you very much.

好了，咱们看下一个。

Okay, let's go to the next one.

我得说，发这种帖子的人，我挺喜欢的。

I gotta say the people who are posting this shit on Reddit, I like them.

我喜欢他们。

I like them.

你这叫不用读心术的超能力。

You have the power of non mind reading.

看你一眼，就能捕捉到对方心里没想的那件事。

When looking at someone, you can read one random thing that's not on their mind.

这个帖子说，不管你是在现实里还是通过电视、视频看一个人，只要专心盯着，就能读到他此刻没在想的事。

This poster explains, when you look at someone either in real life or like on TV or on video and you concentrate, you can read one thing that's not on their mind at that moment.

比如，如果对方正想着要吃个甜甜圈，你用这能力一读，可能反而听到他压根没想参军。

For example, if you use that power on someone who is thinking about wanting a donut right now, you might read that they aren't thinking about joining the Navy at that moment.

明白了。

Okay.

咱们用个更熟悉的例子来说明吧。

Let's try to frame this within something that we are familiar with.

比如说，我现在盯着Two Cuts看。

Let's say I'm looking at Two Cuts, right?

他开车，我坐副驾，死死盯着他，心里一集中，突然听见自己脑子里冒出一句：他根本没想买猫。

And he's driving and I'm on the passenger side and I'm looking at him and I concentrate really hard and I hear in my head that he's not thinking about buying a cat.

可这对我有啥用？

How's that gonna help me?

这反而比读心术更让人疯掉。

That would actually drive you more insane than being able to mind read.

大家都想当读心者，觉得这能力超酷，对吧？

People wanna be like mind readers, they want that superpower, right?

就跟个炫技一样。

It's like a fancy.

但你仔细想想，读心其实是一种折磨，因为你老听见别人脑子里的想法，还都是你不想听的。

But if you think about it, becoming a mind reader is torture because you're constantly hearing thoughts of people and thoughts that you don't want to hear, right?

他们可能在心里骂你，甚至想些离谱的事，比如脑子里蹦出个七岁小孩的念头。

They might be thinking terrible things about you, They might be thinking terrible things like they're, you know, they're like a seven year old man.

对吧？

Right?

老听见这些乱七八糟的想法，没完没了的，谁受得了？

They might be thinking just like wrong things and you don't want to hear all of that constantly all the time.

真能把你逼疯。

That will drive you insane.

但要是不能读心，反而更疯，因为你只能瞥见冰山一角，对吧？

But non mind reading would drive you even crazier because you are literally tapping into just like the tip of the iceberg, Right?

因为人家可能根本没想那么多事。

Because they could be not thinking about so many different things.

他们可能只想着一件事，但没想的却有几十亿件。

They can only be thinking about one thing, but they can be not thinking about billions of things.

所以你反而会更纠结他们没想的那几百万件事，拼命想猜出他们到底在想啥。

So, it will make you wonder more about the other like millions and millions of things that they're not thinking about so you can zero in on the thing that they're thinking about.

这根本就是个烂超能力。

So this is a terrible superpower.

说白了，这简直是一种折磨。

It's actually like an affliction.

这哪是超能力，分明是诅咒。

This is like a terrible curse.

这根本不是什么礼物。

It's not a gift.

超能力怎么说也该是个礼物，再差也得是礼物。

A superpower is supposed to be a gift no matter how shitty.

所以这个简直烂到家了。

So this is going to D.

好了，咱们看下一个。

Okay, let's look at the next one.

每回你撞到脚趾头，那东西都会跟你道歉，求你原谅。

Every time you stub your toe, the object apologizes and begs for forgiveness.

比如乐高。

So LEGO.

你踩到乐高，它还跟你说：‘对不起，先生。’

If you step on LEGO, the LEGO is like I'm sorry, sir.

我真是迟钝得可以。

I'm so obtuse.

行吧。

Okay.

这能力确实够烂的，但还不是你自己的能力。

Well, this is a really shitty superpower but it's not even your own superpower.

这是物品自己的能力。

It's the object's superpower.

是它们在说话。

They're the ones talking.

就是那东西在跟你说话。

Like the object is talking.

它都人格化了，会说话、会想事儿，还跟你道歉。

It's becoming personified and like, you know, it's talking, thinking and apologizing.

那这能力是它们的，不是你的。

Then it's their superpower, not yours.

所以这个也归D类。

So this goes to D.

我对超能力可是挺较真的。

I'm really strict with superpowers by the way.

我小时候特别喜欢画超级英雄，老是涂涂画画，给他们编各种超能力，天哪！

When I was a little kid, one of my hobbies was drawing superheroes and doodling superheroes and coming up with different superpowers for them Oh MY God!

真是个极客啊！

Such a nerd!

我这下直接流失了三十个Epik High的粉丝。

I just lost 30 Epik High fans.

很久以前，Epik High本来打算拍一部关于超级英雄的MV。

A long time ago, EPIC HIGH actually was going to make a music video about superheroes.

就是把我们自己演成超级英雄那种。

Like it was going be about us as superheroes.

但问题是，我们是Epik High啊，你说我们这种人哪像英雄？

But what we were going to do since we're EPIC you know, we're not really the hero type, right?

谁会信啊？

Like who would buy that?

你要真看到我们穿着斗篷出现在屏幕上，根本没法当真。

If you saw us on screen with capes, you just wouldn't believe it.

所以我和导演商量的点子是，我们当超级英雄，但能力特别烂。

So the idea that the director and I discussed was that we were going to be superheroes but with really crappy superpowers.

比如隐身人，但只能隐身一半，半透明那种，别人一眼就能看见你，根本骗不了人，但技术上你确实能隐身，对吧？

For example, Invisible Man but you're only half invisible, you're like half see through so people can definitely see you and you're not fooling anyone but you are technically able to become invisible, right?

就一半。

Only half.

整个MV的剧情是，世界马上要毁灭了，而我们是唯一拥有这些垃圾超能力的人。

And what the music video was gonna be is like there was gonna be some catastrophic event about to destroy the world and we're the only ones with these, you know, shittysuperpowers.

对了，再来一个超能力。

Anyways, here's another superpower.

每周能让一个YouTube频道掉一个订阅者。

Can make any Youtube channel lose one subscriber once a week.

这简直是太牛逼了，这超能力。

Oh, this is great fucking superpower.

在看评论之前，我先给这个能力打个S级。

Okay, before I even go to the comments, I'm giving this an S.

有人刚说，其实我们根本不需要什么超能力。

Someone just said, I don't even think we need superpower for this.

你要花整整365天才能让一个人失去365个订阅者。

It would take you three sixty five days to make someone lose three sixty five subscribers.

那也是每周一次啊。

That's once a week as well.

天哪！

Oh shit!

所以是54次？

So it's like fifty four?

一年不是52周吗？

Fifty four weeks fifty two weeks in a year?

唉，真是服了。

Man.

我真是个傻子。

I'm so stupid.

我只是提醒你一下，如果真有人有这本事，别用在我身上，我自己就能搞定。

I'm just letting you know, if anybody actually has this superpower, don't use it on me because I can do this all on my own.

咱们看下一个。

Let's look at the next one.

你可以用一段公告代替放屁声，直接告诉别人你放屁了。

You can replace fart sounds with an announcement that tells people you farted.

所以你就不用说‘我刚放了个屁’了。

So instead of you're like, I just farted.

如果让我选声音和口音，那我肯定要一个‘他刚放了个屁’这样的播报。

If I get to choose the voice and the accent, then yes, I want like a, He just farted.

这样的话，估计没人会生气。

That way, I don't think anybody would be mad.

不过这口音我得要那个味儿。

I need it in that accent though.

我就要英式口音。

I need like a British accent.

我不确定自己模仿的英式口音对不对，但我就想要那种刚抿了一口茶的贵妇，慢悠悠地说一句：‘他又放屁了。’

I'm not even sure if I'm doing the right British accent, but like I need like a lady who just sipped from her tea and she's like, He farted again.

或者来个苏格兰口音的：‘这混蛋又放屁了。’

Or I need like a Scottish accent like, The fucker farted again.

或者干脆直接来个日语版也行，反正没人会因为我在放屁而生气。

Or I need just straight up in Japanese, Any of these will do because no one's going to get mad that I farted.

说不定他们还巴不得我多放点，太好笑了。

In fact, they're probably going to want me to keep farting cause it's so funny.

他们准会说：‘老兄，赶紧给他塞点能催屁的玩意儿！’

They're like, Yo, we gotta feed him as much fucking fart inducing crap as possible.

快叫个人去点个快餐，炸鸡披萨管够，让他放个痛快，我得再听一遍那句‘他又放屁了’。

Somebody order fast food or something, just stuff him with like tacos and like pizza so that he farts again because I need to hear that again.

我真想再听一次那句‘他又放屁了’。

I need to hear that He farted again.

如果能自己选口音，这简直是SSS级超能力。

If I get to choose the accent, this is this is an A level superpower.

这事儿真够烂的，但偏偏烂得挺带劲。

This is really shitty, but in a good way.

你其实能把自己读过的书给‘重读’成没读过。

You can unread a book you have read.

咱们每个人都有这本事。

We all have that superpower.

是啊，确实如此。

Yeah, truly.

对啊。

Yeah.

上大学嘛。

College.

你一毕业，立马就把读过的书全给忘得一干二净。

Like, the minute you graduate, you just unread every book you've read.

这不就是上学的真谛，毕业的真正含义嘛。

That's literally what school is, what graduation means.

定义就是，你把读过的书重新‘没读过’一遍。

The definition is you unread the books you have read.

这根本算不上什么超能力。

It's not even a superpower.

别开玩笑了，说得靠谱点。

Come on, do better.

但要是你特别喜欢一本书，想再体验一次呢？

No, but what if it's a book that you really enjoyed and you want to have that experience again?

或者也可以是‘没看过’一部电影。

Or this could be unwatch a movie.

你这么一说，倒让我想想。

Now that you put it that way, let's see.

要是我能彻底忘了《教父2》，那我就能再看一遍了。

So if I can completely forget Godfather two, I can rewatch it.

但问题是，我真想再看吗？毕竟我根本‘没看过’啊。

But will I want to because I haven't seen it?

等等。

Wait.

等等。

Wait.

这说不通。

That makes no sense.

不行。

No.

但也不行。

But no.

不行。

No.

我的意思是，对吧。

I mean, yeah.

我明白你的意思。

I see what you mean.

我懂你的意思。

I see what you mean.

虽然还是个渣渣超能力，但我明白你的意思。

Still a c level shitty superpower, but I understand.

比如说，有人看一部电影，因为太喜欢了，看了三四遍，结果碰上个压根没看过的。

Like, people say, if I've seen a movie, like, three, four times because I love it so much and then I run into somebody who's never seen it.

我有个朋友，《复仇者联盟3》上映的时候，他一部漫威电影都没看过。

Like, one of my friends, when Infinity War came out, he hadn't seen any Marvel movie.

啊？

Oh.

真不是开玩笑。

No joke.

他压根不跟风，典型的文艺青年。

Like, any like, he didn't buy into the hype because he's like a total hipster.

住在布鲁克林的威廉斯堡。

Lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

但他表现得好像根本没听说过这些电影似的。

But like he's like he acted like he hadn't even heard of these movies.

他说：‘哦，听说过《复仇者联盟3》。’

He's like, Yeah, heard about Infinity War.

现在这事儿可火了。

It's it's the like craze these days.

我一部漫威电影都没看过。

I haven't seen any Marvel movies.

我当时心想：哎呀，你可真幸运。

And I remember thinking, Oh, I wish you're so lucky.

我真希望自己是你，那样我就能重新再看一遍，就像第一次看一样。

I was like, I wish I was you because I can see them all again for the first time.

所以这部分我确实能懂。

So I do understand that part.

可浪费了这么多时间啊。

But then all the time wasted.

那段时间永远回不来了。

You never get that time back.

我这辈子大概有四成时间都在看电影。

So I spent maybe like a good 40% of my life watching movies.

真的假的。

Seriously.

天哪，我浪费了这么多生命。

Oh my God, I wasted so much of my life.

我真希望有个超能力，能把时间要回来。

I need a superpower where I get back the time.

你要是能绷住屁股两小时，就能飞。

You can fly if you can clench your ass for two hours.

说实话，值了。

Honestly, worth it.

真的特别值。

Seriously worth it.

你要是这么一想，其实也没那么糟。

It's not so bad if you think about it.

我的意思是，你现在不是都能飞了吗？

I mean, because right now, you can fly, right?

你可以去机场，然后办个登机手续。

You can go to the airport and then you do the airport check-in.

国际航班还得提前两三个小时到，受那堆罪，托运行李、排队，烦死了。

For international flights, you have to get there two hours, like three hours in advance to fucking put up with all that shit, get your bag through, and then wait in line.

上了飞机，还得再等半小时才起飞。

You're on the plane, doesn't take off for like thirty minutes.

你得跟家人视频告别两次。

You have to say goodbye to your like FaceTime your family twice.

我其实还没走呢。

I actually didn't leave yet.

我还以为要起飞了，结果没走。

I thought we were taken off but we're not.

这可比两小时长多了。

And that takes way longer than two hours.

所以为了能飞起来，你得憋着两小时。

So clenching your ass for two hours so that you can physically fly.

这不比私人飞机强多了吗？

This is better than a private jet, right?

花两小时干这点事儿，完全值了，你知道的。

It's well worth, you know, it's just a little bit of work for two hours.

我的天，憋着能有多难？

I mean is clenching your ass that hard?

看你憋得多使劲了。

Depends on how much you clench.

要是飞得越远，得憋得越紧，那才搞笑呢。

It would be funny if you had to clench it harder if you're flying kind of far away.

比如你从首尔飞巴西，得憋上好几个小时——但其实最多就两小时啊，关键是憋得越紧，就能飞得越远，对吧？

Like, if you're planning to go from Seoul to like, Brazil, you gotta clench for like But it's all two hours, like it's the time The max limit is two hours, but the harder you clench, the more you can fly, right?

所以你要是去日本，稍微绷一下就行，根本没人看得出来。

So if you're just going to Japan, you can sort of just be like Like people wouldn't even notice.

你就坐在那儿，朋友还觉得你哪儿不对劲，说不上来哪儿怪。

You're just sitting there and your friends are like, There's something wrong, there's something off about him, I don't know what.

但他们真的一点都发现不了。

And they won't even notice.

你还能跟他们正常聊天、喝咖啡，然后一飞就到日本了。

You're gonna have full conversations, you're gonna have coffee with them, and then you fly to Japan.

但你要去澳洲，那可就得使劲儿绷了。

But if you're going to Australia, then you're gonna have to clench that shit.

别人肯定能看出来，你得专门腾出两小时，一个人待着，不能说话，就得拿着手机使劲绷。

People are gonna know you're gonna have to like set set aside two hours of your day where like you're alone and you don't have to talk to anyone, you have to be on the phone and just clench.

你就干坐着，别的啥也不用干，就绷着就行。

Like that's all you gotta like you just have to sit there and clench.

但等你飞在天上，跟一群同样绷着的人一起翱翔的时候，那感觉绝对值了。

But it's gonna be so worth it when you're, like, flying through the air with a bunch of other ass clenchers.

这可是S级操作，我觉得。

This is s s level, I think.

因为实在太容易做到了。

Because it's so doable.

而且说实话，每个人都会这么做。

And like, this is something that everyone will do.

我知道你现在正看着呢，心里肯定在想：这疯了吧。

Like I know you're watching right now, you're thinking, That's crazy.

谁会没事花两小时夹屁股，就为了能坐飞机？

Why would anybody want to clench their ass for two hours so that they can fly?

但我跟你们说，要是真有这选项，你们那些嘴上喊着‘不行，塔布罗，太恶心了’的人——

But I'm telling you, if this option becomes available, every single one of you that are like, No, Tablo, that's disgusting.

‘我绝对不干，塔布罗’，

No, I would never do that, Tablo.

我打赌你们会第一个冲上去夹屁股，反正不要钱嘛。

I guarantee you will be first in line clenching your ass because it's free.

你就能免费飞去你最爱的地方，对吧？

You're flying to your favorite destinations for free, right?

谁不愿意夹紧屁股呢？

Who wouldn't clench their ass?

到时候肯定全民夹屁股，成风潮了。

It's going be a whole epidemic of ass clenching.

人人都在夹屁股，夹到大家都觉得太正常了，根本不会觉得尴尬——你刚旅行回来，跟朋友吃早午餐，人家问你：‘你去哪儿了？’

Like everyone's going to be clenching ass to the point where it becomes so normalized that it's not something even to be like embarrassed about because everyone's, you know, they're gonna get back from their trip and you're having like a brunch and you're like, So where did you go?

我说我去罗马了。

Oh I went to Rome.

那你肯定夹得特别使劲吧？

Oh you must have clenched your ass really hard.

对方还会说：‘对啊！’

And they're like Yes!

因为这事儿会变得特别普通。

Because it'll become so normal.

以后坐飞机就这么玩了。

That'll just be the way we fly.

说实话，我团队刚跟我提这个‘超级废物能力’的子论坛时，我心想：这玩意儿能干啥？

Not gonna lie, at first when my team told me there's this subreddit of shittysuperpowers, I was like What can I really do with that?

结果我发现，这论坛简直太牛了！

And I'm just realizing that this subreddit kicks ass!

下一个：每抠一次左鼻孔，你就长高一厘米；每抠一次右鼻孔，你就矮两厘米。

Next one Every time you pick your left nostril, you become taller by one centimeter and every time you pick your right nostril, you become shorter by two centimeters.

那我肯定一整天都在抠左鼻孔。

Oh, I would be picking my left nostril all day.

我会长得超高，别人一看我身高就知道我为啥这么高了。

I would get so tall that people will see me and they'll know how I got that tall.

他们准得说：‘那哥们儿左鼻孔都快抠出洞了。’

They'll be like, Oh, that guy picked the shit out of his left nostril.

不过嘛，这能力真没啥用。

Again, not very helpful.

D。

D.

我的意思是，你长到多高才会看起来怪怪的？

Because I mean, how much taller are you gonna get before you start looking weird?

等等，你可以换另一边鼻孔嘛，哦，这直接升到A级了——我只要左鼻孔捏十下，就能长到理想身高了。

Oh wait, you can just pick the other nostril and Okay, this is moving straight up to an A because I just need to pick for me to get to my ideal height, I just need to pick my left nostril like 10 times.

就这十下就够了。

That's all I need.

我再长十厘米就行。

I just need 10 centimeters more.

我以前还真想过买那个东西。

I once thought about buying that thing.

就是那种健身房里，把脚踝固定住然后把你倒挂起来的设备，你懂吧？

You know that thing at certain gyms where like you lock your ankles in and then it flips you upside down?

我还真动过念头要买一个，因为我觉得地心引力太欺负人了。

I even thought about buying that because I was like, Gravity is kicking my ass.

我越长越矮，这我可受不了。

I'm getting shorter and I don't like it.

所以每次要上台演出前，我都在想：要不要倒挂两小时，拉一拉身子？

So I'm like before I do a concert or something, maybe I need to hang upside down for like two hours, right?

可大多数健身房都没这玩意儿，我本来想自己买一个，但我老婆不让我买——但重点是，引力真的太狠了。

I can't go to like most gyms don't have that thing so like maybe I should just buy one and my wife didn't let me but my point is gravity kicks your ass.

引力这玩意儿，简直就是超能力，真的。

Gravity is like that is a superpower, seriously.

要是我能选一种超能力，我一定选控制引力，那样就能飞，能搬动物体，能成为地球上、甚至全宇宙最强的存在。

If I could have any superpower, I would want the ability to control gravity because that will allow you to fly, that will allow you to manipulate things, that will allow you to be the most powerful being on earth or in the universe if you can control gravity.

听说外星人根本做不到。

They say aliens can't.

所以UFO之所以能飞，据说就是靠操控引力。

That's why UFOs apparently are being propelled by its manipulation of gravity.

引力啊，既是你要掌控的终极力量，也是最能把你按在地上摩擦的家伙。

So gravity is the power that you want and it's also powerful in kicking your ass.

你能读心，但你读到的内容已经被谷歌翻译了上千遍了。

You can read minds though what you read has been translated through Google 1,000 times.

有人做过一个实验。

So someone did an experiment.

他们从英语开始，转到乌兹别克语，再经过一百多种语言，最后又转回英语。

They started from English and then went to Uzbek and then like a 100 other languages and then landed back at English.

原文是：‘你好，我叫卢卡斯。’

And the input was, Hello, my name is Lucas.

我是宇航员。

I'm an astronaut.

下个月我就要去月球了。

I'm flying to the moon next month.

我将在月球上过我的三十岁生日。

I'll be on the moon for my 30 birthday.

结果出来变成了：‘我看见了一个人。’

This came out as I saw someone.

这简直就是翻译失真的完美诠释。

Literally the definition of lost in translation.

就像那个传话游戏，你悄悄跟第一个人说句话，传到第八个人那儿，意思早就变样了。

So if it's like, you know that game where you whisper something to someone and then by, like, the eighth person, it becomes something completely different.

你记得那个17岁男孩的视频吗？玩传话游戏，结果‘苹果派’最后变成了‘Epik High’。

You know that famous video with 17 when they're playing that game and then Apple Pie became Epik High?

要是这么多人经过这么多语言转译，最后出来的肯定完全不是原话了。

So if that happens with like you know, three or four people going through these many languages, you're gonna get something completely different.

所以这算个烂到家的超能力。

So this is a shittysuperpower.

明白了。

Okay.

下一个。

Next one.

你的两颗门牙是金刚不坏的河狸牙。

Your two front teeth are invincible beaver teeth.

我懂，经历过。

Been there.

早干过了。

Done that.

行吧。

Okay.

14。

14.

你可以瞬间传送到任何在网上惹你生气的陌生人旁边。

You can instantly teleport next to any anonymous person that pisses you off online.

有人评论说：这才是隐藏技能。

Someone commented That's the secret cap.

我每次都被气得不行。

I always get pissed off.

那就是初代复仇者联盟里的浩克。

That's the that's Hulk from the first Avengers.

我真是个极客。

I'm such a nerd.

所以这能力就是让网络上的人负起责任。

So it's the power to bring accountability to the internet.

是啊，但如果我传送过去发现对方是我认识的人，那可就太心碎了。

Yeah but if they piss me off and I teleport right next to them and it turns out to be someone I know, that would be fucking heartbreaking.

你传送过去，结果还在自己家，然后你就懵了：啥？

Like you teleport and you're still in your house, so you're like What?

你记得那个著名的案例吗？有个妈妈为了博关注，网上欺负自己孩子，简直疯了——这种事其实也发生在我身上。

It's like You know that there was like this famous case where it was the mom who was like cyberbullying their kid for some kind of attention, like some crazy thing and I mean this kind of happened to me, right?

当年我被一群人同时网暴的时候，我去报了警，追查了几个特别过分的。

Like when I went through like that everyone cyberbullying me at the same time thing and I went to the police and went after some of the really harsh ones.

结果发现其中两个居然是我亲戚，他们正是这事的导火索。

Two of them turned out to be my relatives and they were sort of pivotal in having that whole thing start.

从一开始他们就在那儿推波助澜。

Like they were there from the beginning.