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这里是隐性思维。
This is hiddenbrain.
我是尚卡尔·韦丹塔姆。
I'm Shankar Vedantam.
当你在高速公路上走错出口，或在工作中搞砸了一次演讲，你会因为犯错而生自己的气吗？
When you take the wrong turn off the highway or fumble a presentation at work, do you get mad at yourself for making a mistake?
你会真的责怪自己吗？
Do you kick maybe actually kick yourself?
自我批评常常被视为英勇的，甚至高尚的。
Self criticism is often seen as heroic, maybe even noble.
许多人认为这是自我提升最可靠的途径。
Many people think it's the surest path to self improvement.
但真的是这样吗？
But is it?
我们认为，要想成功、实现目标或做出改变，就必须对自己严厉、苛责自己——这种信念，正是我们在研究中发现的阻碍自我同情的首要因素。
The belief that we need to be hard on ourselves, criticize ourselves to succeed or reach our goals or make a change is actually the number one block to self compassion we found in the research.
人们担心，如果对自己太友善，就什么事都做不成了。
People are afraid that if they're kind to themselves, they just won't get anything done.
本周《隐性思维》讲述了一位心理学家的故事，她学会了停止苛责自己，以及你如何将内心的严厉批评者转变为朋友。
This week on Hidden Brain, the story of a psychologist who learned to stop beating up on herself, and how you can convert your harsh inner critic into a friend.
更具自我同情心的人会为
People who are more self compassionate take more responsibility for
自己的错误承担更多责任。
their mistakes.
他们更有责任心，也更可能道歉。
They're more conscientious and more likely to apologize.
讽刺的是，尽管‘自我’这个词出现在自我同情中，但当你采取这种态度时，实际上你不必那么自我中心。
Ironically, even though the word self is in self compassion, when you take that approach, it actually means you don't have to be so self focused.
克里斯汀·内夫的父亲在她很小的时候就离开了家。
Kristin Neff's father left the family when she was a very small child.
那是20世纪60年代末，他决定要做一个嬉皮士。
It was the late 1960s and he decided he was going to be a hippie.
他收拾行装搬到了夏威夷。
He picked up and moved to Hawaii.
其中
One of
我最早的一段记忆，是大概六岁的时候去茂宜岛看望他，他跟我说不要叫他爸爸，叫他狄奥尼修斯大哥，因为我们都是上帝的孩子。
my first memories is going to visit him when I was about six years old in Maui and him telling me please don't call me dad, call me Brother Dionysius because we are all God's children.
我当时感到特别不自在，而且他对我弟弟也说过同样的话。
I was incredibly uncomfortable and he said that to my brother as well.
所以我们没法叫他狄奥尼修斯修道士，这太离谱了。
And so we couldn't call him Brother Dionysius, that was just absurd.
而且问题是，他也不想让我们叫他爸爸。
But we weren't, he didn't want us to call him dad.
所以你懂的，好多年里，我和我哥跟他说话都得说：不好意思，能麻烦把盐递给我吗？
So, you know, for many, many years, both my brother and I were like, excuse me, could you pass the salt, please?
我们跟他说话从来不用任何称呼，因为根本不知道该叫他什么。
Like without using any sort of name for him, because we didn't know what to call him.
所以，那种被忽视和被拒绝的感觉就成了当时的背景。
So that was kind of the backdrop of feeling unwanted and rejected.
随着成长，克里斯汀对父亲的不安全感影响了她的恋爱关系。
As she grew up, Kristin's insecurity about her dad shaped her romantic relationships.
我总是感到有些不安。
And I always kind of felt insecure.
因此，我总有一种想法：如果有个男孩喜欢我，愿意和我在一起，我就应该抓住机会，因为选择并不多。
And so there was always that sense of, if any boy liked me enough to want to be with me, I should go for it because there aren't a lot of options.
这实际上影响了我的第一段婚姻。
And that actually played into my first marriage.
克里斯汀嫁给了杨。
Kristin married Young.
她的丈夫是她在大学时认识的一个男生。
Her husband was a guy she met in college.
他是个好人。
He was a good guy.
他很聪明。
He was intelligent.
他很英俊。
He was handsome.
在那之前，我的男朋友都是一些混蛋。
And up until then my boyfriends had all been kind of jerks.
所以我心想，好吧，我遇到一个不错的了。
And so I kind of thought, okay, I've got a good one.
当他向我求婚时，我会答应。
I'll say yes when he asked me to marry him.
竟然有人真的向我求婚，这太棒了。
That's amazing that someone would actually ask me to marry them.
我就直接答应吧。
I'll just go for it.
但我当时并没有足够的认知去意识到：我到底想要一个怎样的男人？
And I didn't have the larger understanding to realize that, well, what is it that I actually want in a man?
那时候我觉得，只要是个男人，那就够好了。
It was like if it was somebody, that was good enough.
克里斯汀进入了加州大学伯克利分校的研究生院。
Kristin entered graduate school at the University of California Berkeley.
她以为自己的婚姻很好。
She assumed her marriage was good.
她的丈夫对她很专一。
Her husband was committed to her.
但这段婚姻缺乏激情，直到我在伯克利读研时作为研究助理工作的那位男士，我才意识到自己对他有着强烈的激情。
But there wasn't a lot of passion, but I didn't really know what I was missing until the man I worked for as a research assistant in graduate school at UC Berkeley, I found out I did have a lot of passion with.
于是我开始明白，啊，我懂了。
And I started to realize, ah, I see.
这就是我所缺失的东西。
This is what I'm missing.
克里斯汀称这位男士为彼得，尽管那并不是他的真名。
Kristin refers to this man as Peter, although that's not his real name.
首先，他比我大很多。
First of all, he was much older than me.
他比我大大约十五岁。
He was about fifteen years older than me.
所以回过头看，这可能跟我一些父亲相关的问题有关，对吧？
And so looking back, it's probably played into some of my father issues, right?
于是我们开始彼此产生强烈的吸引力。
And so we just started developing this intense attraction toward each other.
有一次，我在他的办公室工作，他看着我，我也看着他，然后我们开始接吻。
At one point I was working with him at his office and he was looking at me and I was looking at him and we started kissing.
于是我们开始了肉体关系，那种激情和强烈程度是我从未经历过的。
So we started having a physical relationship and the passion and the intensity was like nothing I'd ever experienced before.
这几乎像是变成了双重人格。
It's almost like it became a split personality.
所以我跟彼得发生了婚外情。
So I was having this affair with Peter.
我瞒着我丈夫，自己也分裂了。
And I was hiding it from my husband and I was splitting too.
那个仍然已婚的我，感觉糟透了。
The half that was part of me that was still married was horrible.
和彼得在一起的那部分我，简直如在云端。
The part of me that was with Peter, I was like on cloud nine.
我从未感受过如此的爱，如此的激情。
I'd never felt such love, such passion.
我感到自己被深深理解。
I felt so deeply seen.
这太棒了。
It was amazing.
所以这既是最好也是最糟的时刻，同时存在。
So it was like the the best and the worst simultaneously.
我内心的两个部分完全不交流。
And the two sides of me just didn't talk to each other.
还有一个更复杂的因素。
There was one more complicating factor.
克里斯汀和彼得也在向他的伴侣隐瞒他们的婚外情。
Kristin and Peter were also hiding their affair from his partner.
所以又多了一层让我感到恐惧、却完全不去面对的事情。
So one more layer of something that I was horrified about that I just didn't deal with.
更讽刺的是，就在她不断违背各种道德准则的同时，克里斯汀还在研究生院学习道德发展。
To top it off, even as she was breaking all sorts of moral codes, Kristin was in graduate school to study moral development.
这件事在很多方面都是错误的。
There were so many ways in which it was wrong.
当然，当时我根本没想过自己是他的研究助理。
Of course, it didn't even cross my mind at the time that I was his research assistant.
他那方面确实很糟糕，更别提他还在出轨，但你知道，从他的角度来看，这大概算是一种性不恰当的关系。
He was really bad on his part, not to mention he was cheating, but he was, you know, I guess you consider that a sexually inappropriate relationship from his point of view.
但当时，我根本没往那方面想。
But at the time, that didn't even cross my mind.
克里斯汀正准备去印度待一年，进行她的论文研究。
Kristin was preparing to spend a year in India for her dissertation research.
彼得向她承诺，他会离开他的伴侣，去和她团聚。
Peter promised her he was going to leave his partner and join her.
我们已经制定了这些计划。
And we had made these plans.
我以为这就是一切了。
I thought this was it.
我毫不怀疑，我们认为彼此是灵魂伴侣。
I thought we were soulmates without a doubt.
他打算为我离开他的伴侣。
He was gonna leave his partner for me.
他打算去印度。
He was gonna come to India.
我们打算共度一生。
We were gonna spend our lives together.
克里斯汀还没想过该如何告诉丈夫他们的婚姻结束了。
Kristin hadn't thought through how she'd tell her husband that their marriage was over.
我本来以为自己会在某个时候直接告诉他，但在我丈夫发现我们之前，我连这一步都没走到。
I assumed that I would just tell him at some point, but I hadn't even gotten to that point when my husband discovered us.
有一天，她和彼得在上班时，丈夫突然造访。
She and Peter were at work one day when her husband paid a surprise visit.
造访。
Visit.
他敲了办公室的门。
And he knocked on the door of the office.
门开了很久才有人应答，这么说吧。
And it took a long time to answer that knock, let's just say.
他开门的时候，我们都心知肚明，一切瞬间暴露了。
And when he opened the door, like he knew and I knew and it's like it all just came out.
天哪。
Oh God.
这简直是我一生中最糟糕的时刻之一。
It's like one of the worst moments in my entire life.
我告诉他我多么抱歉伤害了他，但我也说，你知道，这才是我生命中的真爱，我必须这么做，我们必须离婚。
I told him how sorry I was for hurting him, but I also said, you know, this is the love of my life and I need to do this and we need to get a divorce.
显然，他对这件事非常非常生气。
And obviously he was very, very angry about it.
我的意思是，我只是觉得特别愧疚，因为伤害了他。
I mean, I just felt I felt horrible for hurting him.
克里斯汀和她的丈夫提起了离婚。
Kristin and her husband filed for divorce.
她去了印度，等待彼得来与她会合。
She left for India and waited for Peter to join her.
我真的以为他会来，他一直说他会来的。
And I really thought he would come, and he kept on saying he would come.
最终，他向她透露了这个消息。
Eventually, he broke the news to her.
我在那里待了大约三个月后，他真的说，克里斯汀，我不来了。
After I was there about three months, he actually said, Kristin, I'm I'm not gonna come.
说我是崩溃的都算轻描淡写了。
To say I was a basket case would probably not be an understatement.
这又再次印证了那个故事线：好吧，我又一次被拒绝了。
It kind of, you know, played into that storyline again of, okay, here I am rejected yet again.
我非常受伤，同时也感到被背叛了。
I was very hurt and I also felt betrayed.
你知道，于是我开始意识到，他之前说想和我共度余生的话，是真的吗？
And you know, so I started to realize, well, did he even mean what he said about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me?
也许不是。
Maybe not.
那也很痛苦。
That was also hard.
在海外待了一年后，克里斯汀搬回伯克利完成她的博士学业。
After a year overseas, Kristin moved back to Berkeley to finish her PhD.
她仍然对彼得生气，完全不想再见到他。
She was still angry at Peter and had no interest in seeing him ever again.
但后来，彼得的伴侣，那位知道他和克里斯汀婚外情的人，联系了她。
But then, Peter's partner, who knew about his affair with Kristin, contacted her.
她给我发了一封邮件，说：‘克里斯汀，我需要告诉你一件事。’
She sent me an email and said, Kristin, I need to tell you something.
彼得得了脑癌，住进了医院。
Peter's in the hospital with brain cancer.
他只剩下几个月可活了。
He only has a couple months left to live.
如果你想见他，这是我的探视时间。
If you wanna see him, here's my visiting hours.
你可以在我没在的时候去。
You can come when I'm not there.
天哪。
Holy shit.
首先，我对她感到无比感激。
First of all, I felt overwhelmingly grateful to her.
什么样的女人会如此善良，对一个试图抢走她丈夫的女人做出这样的事，还特意通知我呢？
Like, what kind of woman would be so kind to this woman who tried to steal her partner that she would do this and let me know.
彼得的伴侣又告诉了克里斯汀一些消息。
Peter's partner had more news for Kristin.
她说，克里斯汀，我得告诉你，这并不是第一次有别的女人遇到这种情况。
She said, Kristin, I have to tell you, this isn't the first time this has happened with another woman.
不知为何，她决定继续和他在一起，但我想这就是他的模式：他会结识更年轻的女人，说要和她们共度一生，然后甩了她们。
For whatever reason, she had decided to stick with him, but I guess this was the pattern that he would meet younger women, say he was gonna spend their life with him, and then dump him.
尽管如此，克里斯汀还是决定去医院看望彼得。
Still, Kristin decided to visit Peter at the hospital.
我只是去看过他一次，因为那时他已经非常接近生命的尽头了。
I just actually went once to see him because he was actually very close to the end.
这真的很难受，因为他已经不能说话了，但他能看见我。
And it was really difficult because he couldn't talk, but he could see me.
他发出一些奇怪的声音和表情，我不知道他是不是太痛苦了。
And he was making these weird sounds and faces because I don't know if he was in so much pain.
他看起来并不高兴见到我。
He didn't seem happy to see me.
于是我只说了再见，我想我告诉他我原谅了他，因为他快要死了，我不希望他带着我恨他的想法离开。
And so I just, I said my goodbyes, you know, and, I think I told him that I forgave him because he was about to die and I didn't want him to end thinking that I hated him.
这并不是电影里那种告别的场景。
It it wasn't a Hollywood script version of how you say goodbye.
这是一种非常尴尬、不确定、模糊的告别方式。
It was a very awkward, uncertain, unclear version of how you say goodbye to someone.
几天后，彼得去世了。
Peter died a few days later.
克里斯汀陷入了一种充满毒性的复杂情绪中。
And Kristin was saddled with a toxic brew of emotions.
我仍然对自己感到无比愤怒。
I'm still incredibly angry at myself.
你知道吗，我得承认，我内心有一部分在想，这会不会是生活在告诉我：好了，Kristin，如果你做了这种事，欺骗、出轨，看看会发生什么。
You know, will admit there was a part of me that thought, is this somehow life saying, okay, you know, Kristin, if you do something like this and you you cheat and you have an affair, look what happens.
我其实并不真的相信这一点，但这个念头确实闪过我的脑海，因为我对自己对丈夫所做的一切仍感到深深的羞愧和内疚。
I didn't really believe that, but that thought crossed my mind because, I still felt so much shame and guilt about what I had done to my husband.
我问Kristin，在她探望Peter之后的那些日子里，她和自己进行了怎样的内心对话。
I asked Kristin about the conversations she had with herself in the days that followed her visit with Peter.
你因为撒谎而感到无比痛苦。
You're feeling horrible for lying.
这不像你真正的样子。
It's not who you are.
你知道，你违背了自己的誓言。
You know, you've broken your vows.
你伤害了一个人。
You've hurt someone.
然后再加上你回来之后，对他的种种愤怒——因为他基本上我不知道他是不是在利用我，但他确实没有对我坦诚，甩了我，把我一个人丢在印度。
And then add on that coming back and all the layers of being angry at him because he basically I don't know if he used me or not, but he basically wasn't honest with me, dumped me, left me in India.
然后他得了脑癌，而我却想原谅他。
And then he's got brain cancer and me wanting to forgive him.
我在笑，但当时当然一点也不好笑。
I'm laughing, but of course it wasn't funny at the time.
这就像一部糟糕的肥皂剧。
It like a bad soap opera.
在所有人中，克里斯汀告诉自己，她本该更清楚的。
Of all people, Kristin told herself she ought to have known better.
她可是正在攻读道德发展的博士学位，天哪。
She was doing a PhD on moral development, for crying out loud.
诚实一直是我核心价值观之一。
Honesty has always been one of my core values.
我天性就是一个极其诚实的人。
I am by nature an incredibly honest person.
撒谎对我来说非常不自然。
Lying comes very unnaturally to me.
所以我不仅在研究道德发展，道德还是我自我概念的一部分，诚实也是我自我概念的一部分，因此当我做了这件事时，我不但虚伪，而且完全不真实。
So not only was I studying moral development, not only was morality kind of part of my self-concept and honesty part of my self-concept so that when I had done this not only was I hypocritical but I was completely inauthentic.
所以我感到非常羞愧，为这件事的发生、为我允许它发生而感到羞愧，甚至还有一个微弱的想法：我是不是通过我的业力，某种程度上导致了这件事的发生？
So I just felt a lot of shame, a lot of shame that this had happened, that I had allowed it to happen, You know, there's even the slight thought, did I somehow cause this to happen through my karma?
我知道我并不真的相信业力，但兄弟狄俄尼索斯，还有我爸爸，确实经常谈论业力。
You know, don't really believe in karma, but brother Dionysia certainly, my dad certainly talked a lot about karma.
我当时对自己非常冷漠。
What I was was I was really cold to myself.
也许你活该这样，你知道，你做了这种事，这就是结果。
Well, maybe you deserve this, you know, you know, you did this, this is what happens.
我不为你感到难过。
I don't feel sorry for you.
你知道，我只是对自己有一种强烈的冷漠。
You know, it just an intense coldness toward myself.
冷漠夹杂着羞愧。
Coldness mixed with shame.
也许你熟悉内心中那种发出如此声音的自我对话。
Perhaps you are familiar with an inner voice that says things like this.
它责备你、批评你、贬低你。
That castigates you, criticizes you, belittles you.
它告诉你，你一无是处。
A voice that tells you that you are no good.
你活该受苦。
That you deserve to suffer.
在情绪崩溃之后，克里斯汀越来越意识到内心中的这种声音。
In the aftermath of her meltdown, Kristin became more and more aware of that voice inside her.
她绝不会想到对别人说出如此苛刻残忍的话。
She would never dream of saying harsh and cruel things to other people.
那她为什么对自己这样呢？
So why was she doing it to herself?
绝大多数人表示，他们对他人比对自己更有同情心、更理解、更友善。
The vast majority of people say they're significantly more compassionate and understanding and kinder to other people than they are to themselves.
你正在收听隐藏思维。
You're listening to hiddenbrain.
我是 Shankar Vedantham。
I'm Shankar Vedanta.
这是隐藏思维。
This is hiddenbrain.
我是 Shankar Vedantham。
I'm Shankar Vedantham.
当她在加州大学伯克利分校攻读研究生时，克里斯汀·内夫在个人生活中做出了一系列选择。
When she was a graduate student at UC Berkeley, Kristin Neff made a series of choices in her personal life.
她后来很长一段时间都为此感到后悔。
She would come to regret them for a long time.
这些错误让她充满了羞耻、评判和自我批评。
These mistakes filled her with shame and judgment and self criticism.
成为心理学家后，她开始研究人们对自己说话的苛刻方式。
After she became a psychologist, she started to study the harsh ways people talk to themselves.
克里斯汀，我经常对自己说一些非常苛刻的话，而这些话我根本不可能对别人说出口。
Kristin, I routinely find myself saying very critical things to myself that I would never dream of saying to another human being.
你研究过人们自我攻击的各种方式。
You've studied all the ways people beat up on themselves.
你发现了什么？
What do you find?
在我的研究中，实际上绝大多数人表示，他们对他人比对自己更有同情心、更理解、更友善，尤其是在自己犯错或失败的时候。
In my research, actually, the vast majority of people say they're significantly more compassionate and understanding and kinder to other people than they are to themselves, especially when they make a mistake or fail some way.
有趣的是，有些人会用严厉的语言表现出来，比如骂自己、用粗鲁的语气说话。
It's interesting, some people manifest this with harsh language, with name calling, they swear at themselves, they really use a harsh tone.
而像我这样的人，更多是一种冷漠或羞耻感。
Other people like myself, it's more just a sense of coldness or shame.
还有一些人几乎像是 dissociate（解离）了，就像对待一个你不喜欢的人一样，干脆不再回他们的电话。
Other people, almost like they disassociate, almost like by abandoning themselves, just the way you might with someone you didn't like, you just stop returning their calls.
对吧？
Right?
因此，这可能表现为一种封闭、麻木的状态。
And so that can manifest as just a shutting down, a going numb.
有时只是一种失望的感觉，像一声叹息。
Sometimes it's just a feeling of disappointment, like a sigh out.
这就是它表现出来的方式。
That's the way it manifests.
但几乎每个人都有一个自我批评者，以这样或那样的方式浮现出来。
But pretty much everyone has a self critic that comes out one way or another.
你提到过‘内在批评者’这个概念。
You've talked about the concept of the inner critic.
我想我们都体验过这种现象。
I think all of us have experienced this.
内在批评者在我们的生活中扮演着什么角色？
What is the role that the inner critic plays in our lives?
嗯，内在批评者实际上扮演着重要的角色。
Well, so the inner critic actually plays an important role.
我喜欢说，我们不应该因为自我批评而责备自己，因为内在批评者源于一种简单的愿望——想要保持安全，对吧？
And I like to say we shouldn't beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up because the inner critic comes from the simple desire to stay safe, right?
我们了解到，内在批评者实际上是在调动身体的战斗、逃跑或冻结反应。
So what we know about the inner critic is it actually is tapping into the body's fight, flight or freeze response.
所以当我们害怕某事，天啊，当我们犯错或失败时，这让人感到恐惧。
And so when we're scared of something and gosh, we make a mistake or fail, it's scary.
我们感到害怕，感到受到威胁。
We feel frightened, we feel threatened.
因此，我们要么与自己斗争，认为可以通过控制局面来获得安全；要么因羞耻而逃避他人看似的评判；要么陷入冻结状态，被困在反复思虑中。
So we either fight ourselves thinking we can control the situation and be safe or we flee in shame from the perceived judgments of others or we kind of freeze and get stuck in rumination.
这些都是我们试图保持安全的非常自然的方式。
And these are all really natural ways we try to stay safe.
所以你甚至可以说，内在批评者的动机是好的，尽管其后果恰恰相反。
So you might even say the motivation of inner critic is a good one even though the consequences are anything but.
我们的内在批评者最初可能进化出来是为了教我们如何生存。
Our inner self critic may have first evolved to teach us how to survive.
如果你在面对捕食者时犯了错误，比如因此失去了一条肢体，那么对自己进行严厉责备以避免重蹈覆辙，或许是有道理的。
If you make a mistake when dealing with a predator, a mistake that costs you a limb for example, it might make sense to beat yourself up over your mistake so you never repeat it.
但今天，这种苛刻的老师即使在我们犯下微不足道的过失时也会出现。
But today, this harsh teacher shows up even when we commit trivial infractions.
即使我们只是做了一件很简单的事，比如朋友跟你聊天，你注意到她似乎胖了一点，有个小肚子，你随口说：‘你是不是怀孕了？’，我们也会感到极度受威胁。
And we actually feel incredibly threatened even when we do something as simple as a friend and you see that she's well you don't know she's put on a little weight, you notice she's got a little bump and you say, Oh, what are you expecting?
她回答说：‘我没有怀孕。’
And she says, I'm not expecting.
顺便说一句，我不久前也遇到过类似的情况。
And by the way, that happened to me not too long ago.
我当时肚子胀得厉害，有人问我：‘你什么时候生？’
I was really bloated and someone said to me, when are you expecting?
我回答说：‘我没有怀孕。’
And I said, I'm not expecting.
当这样的事发生时，感觉就像有捕食者在追你、要置你于死地一样严重，因为那一刻，你的自我认知被彻底摧毁了。
And so something like that happens and it feels as serious as a predator chasing you about to kill you because what's happened is your self-concept at that moment is obliterated.
这感觉就像死亡，因为我们的自我受到了伤害，我们在心理上把自我与真实的肉体自我混淆了。
And it feels like a death because our ego is hurt and we confuse our ego with our actual bodily selves, at least mentally.
当我们失败、犯错、被人批评、不被接纳或被拒绝时，这种感觉确实就像死亡一样。
And when we fail or we make a mistake or someone criticizes us or doesn't accept us or reject us, it does feel like a death.
我不愿这么说，但有些人确实会因为感到极度羞耻而试图结束自己的生命。
And I hate to say this, but some people do go as far as to try to take their own life if they feel too much shame.
羞耻是酗酒、成瘾、自杀念头和饮食失调的重要因素。
Shame is a big factor in alcoholism, in addiction, in suicidal ideation, eating disorders.
大量功能失调的行为都是由羞耻驱动的。
A huge number of dysfunctional behaviors are driven by shame.
羞耻是背后潜藏的暗流，影响着一切。
Shame is kind of the undercurrent behind everything.
比如，羞耻和内疚的区别在于：内疚是‘我做了一件坏事’，这关乎我们的行为。
So the difference between shame and guilt, for instance, guilt is I did something bad, it's about our behaviors.
而羞耻是‘我是个坏人’。
Shame is I am bad.
完美主义和内在批评者之间的联系，你认为这也与羞耻感的现象有关吗？
Is the connection between perfectionism and our inner critic, is that also connected, do you think, to the phenomenon of shame?
哦，是的，绝对有关。
Oh yeah, absolutely.
我的意思是，有些完美主义只是我想做到最好，但如果没有做到，我依然可以接受自己。
I mean, some perfectionism is like, I want to do my very best, but if I don't, I'm still okay.
这种完美主义其实是很有用的。
That's actually useful perfectionism.
适应不良的完美主义、无益的完美主义是：如果我不完美，我就是个糟糕的人。
Maladaptive perfectionism, unhelpful perfectionism is if I'm not perfect, I am bad.
而这种‘我是个糟糕的人’的感觉，就是羞耻。
And that feeling of I am bad is shame.
感受到羞耻，感受到内在批评者带来的痛苦，会促使我们做出许多对心理健康无益的行为。
Feeling shame, feeling the pain caused by the inner self critic, prompts many of us to do things that are unhelpful to our mental well-being.
其中一种应对方式，就是试图通过人为地提升自尊来压抑这种痛苦。
One of those responses, we try to suppress the pain by artificially propping up our self esteem.
自尊本身并没有错。
Self esteem, there's nothing wrong with self esteem.
自尊只是对自我价值的一种判断或评价。
Self esteem is just a judgment or evaluation of self worth.
当你在乎自己时，自然会拥有更高的自尊感。
And when you care about yourself, you're gonna have a higher sense of self esteem.
问题是，很多人还是通过认同自己的自我来获得自尊，对吧？
The problem is a lot of people get their self esteem from again identifying with their ego, right?
所以，如果我觉得自己有魅力，或者别人喜欢我，或者我在事业、运动或其他对我重要的领域取得了成功，我就觉得自己自尊心很强。
So I have high self esteem if I think I'm attractive or if other people like me or if I succeed in business or sports or whatever it is that's important to me to succeed at.
因此，当我们把自尊建立在自我上时，这种对自我价值的判断，一旦我们失败、犯错或被拒绝，由于我们与自我认同紧密相连，这种感觉就像死亡一样。
And so in a way when we're basing our self esteem on our ego, this judgment of self worth, that any time we fail or make a mistake or get rejected, then because we're identified with our ego, again, it feels like death when this happens.
感觉非常非常严重。
Feels very, very serious.
当然，当你最需要鼓励的时候，往往正是你处境低落的时候，而这时自尊却可能离你而去。
And of course, the times that you actually might need a boost is actually when things are down for you, that might be precisely when self esteem deserts you.
没错。
Exactly.
我给你讲个例子，一个有趣但真实的故事。
So I'll just give you an example, a funny, sadly true story.
我和一群朋友在一起。
I was with a group of friends.
我们去参观了一些马术训练场，那里有一位年长的西班牙马术教练。
We were visiting some writing stables, and there was this old Spanish writing instructor.
我当时比较年轻，我是希腊裔，长相有点地中海风格。
I was younger, I'm part Greek, I have kind of mediterranean looks.
他看着我说：‘你真漂亮。’
And he looked at me and he said, Oh, you are very beautiful.
我当时想：‘天啊，这下自尊心得到提升，感觉真好。’
And I was like, Well, gosh, you know, my self esteem boost, feeling good about myself.
但他接着说：‘千万别刮你的小胡子。’
And he said, Don't ever shave your moustache.
好吧，你知道，自尊心一会儿有，一会儿又没了，对吧？
Okay, you know, self esteem here one moment, gone the next, right?
所以它非常脆弱。
And so it's very fragile.
当有人告诉你别刮胡子时，真的特别丢脸。
So it's really humiliating when someone tells you not to shave your mustache.
所以它是个见风使舵的朋友，因为它建立在外部因素上。
And so it's a fair weather friend because it's based on externals.
即使它建立在内在因素上，因为我们并不完美，总会有时出错。
Or even when it's based on internals, because we aren't perfect, we're always going to get it wrong sometimes.
对。
Right.
因为你可能认为自己是个非常认真或非常执着的人，但有时候你可能没能完成或坚持某项任务。
Because you might think of yourself as being a very conscientious person or a very persistent person, and then you might not succeed or persist at a certain task.
那么，你内心对自己的这种认知会怎样呢？
And then what happens to that inner self-concept that you have?
没错。
Exactly.
正是如此。
Exactly.
这就是自尊的问题所在。
That's the problem with self esteem.
拥有自尊本身没什么错，但问题是，你该如何获得它？
There's nothing wrong with having it, but it's how do you get it?
你是通过胜过他人、变得自恋且极度防御自我来获得它，还是通过必须完美或必须成功来获得它？
Do you get it from being better than other people, from being a narcissist and really ego defensive, or do you get it from having to be perfect or having to succeed?
所有这些方式最终都必然会导致问题。
And all of these things are bound to eventually lead to problems.
严厉的内在批评者带来的影响并不仅仅针对我们自己。
The harsh inner critic doesn't have consequences just for us.
当我们对自己苛刻时，这种苛刻的声音也可能在我们与他人的对话中表现出来。
When we are harsh with ourselves, that harsh voice can also come out in our conversations with others.
问题的一部分在于，我们许多人竭力向外界隐藏内心的批评声音。
Part of the problem is that many of us go to pains to hide our inner critic from the outside world.
即使内心的声音变得越来越苛刻，我们仍试图向外界展现出自信和成功的样子。
Even as our inside voice gets harsher, we try to project confidence and success to the outside world.
最终，这种差距可能会变得难以承受。
Eventually, the gap can become overwhelming.
当你经历这些负面情绪时，如果不给予自己同情、善意和支持，而是选择压抑、抑制、憋在心里来应对，那么你实际上并没有处理这些负面情绪。
If you don't give yourself compassion and kindness and support when you're experiencing these negative emotions And instead of the way you try to deal with them is by like shoving them down, suppressing them, bottling them up, then what's going to happen is you haven't actually dealt with those negative emotions.
你并没有真正消化它们。
You haven't processed them.
心理学研究清楚地表明，你抗拒的任何东西都会变得更加强烈。
And what we know very clearly from the psychological research is whatever you resist actually grows stronger.
因此，试图回避这些情绪会制造压力，最终反而强化了这些负面情绪，导致它们爆发时比原本的情况更加严重。
So trying to avoid them creates this pressure so that eventually you've actually strengthened the negative emotion so that when it comes out, it's even worse than it would have been otherwise.
感觉像是其中之一
Feel like one of
对很多人来说，经历了一天的压力后，你回到家时已经精疲力尽，过得并不顺利，可能还在因为自己做过的事，或者没做到的事而责备自己。
the things that happens for many people, you you come home after a stressful day, you're exhausted, you've had a difficult time, maybe the day has not gone well, maybe you're beating up on yourself for things that you have done or things that you should have done that you didn't do.
由于我们没有以健康的方式处理这些情绪，往往会把愤怒、不耐烦或挫败感发泄到别人身上。
And one of the things that we do, because we're not processing this in a way that's healthy, is that we take out this anger or our impatience or frustrations on other people.
如果我们不断批评和苛责自己，就会处于焦虑状态，皮质醇水平升高，这种激活状态让我们更容易对他人失去耐心。
If we're criticizing ourselves and beating ourselves up, it means agitated, our cortisol levels are elevated, and so that activation means we're more likely to have a shorter fuse with others.
此外，别人也能察觉到我们的内心状态。
And then also, other people can pick up on our internal mindset.
如果你感到烦躁不安，别人不仅会因为你的情绪而变得烦躁，还能感受到你的气场，从而也被带动得烦躁起来。
So if you're feeling kind of grumpy and agitated, other people, not only are they grumpy and agitated because you're being grumpy and agitated, but they can also feel your vibe, so to speak, which makes them grumpy and agitated.
这就导致了一个恶性循环，通常不会带来好的结果。
So it leads to this really downward spiral, and then it doesn't lead to good outcomes typically.
我
I
我想谈谈一个相关的想法，即内在批评者如何影响我们与他人的关系。
wanna talk about one related idea, the role that our inner critic plays in shaping our relationships with other people.
在电影《伴娘》中，主角安妮是一位单身女性，觉得自己生活一团糟。
In the movie Bridesmaids, the main character Annie is a single woman who feels her life is a mess.
她向朋友梅根抱怨，我想放一段电影里的短片给你听。
She complains about it to her friend Megan, and I wanna play you a short clip from the movie.
我被公司解雇了。
I got fired from my job.
我被赶出了公寓。
I got kicked out of my apartment.
我付不起任何账单。
I can't pay any of my bills.
我的车破得要命，我一个朋友都没有。
My car is a piece of I don't have any friends.
上一次
The last time
安妮，你觉得那有什么有趣的地方？
find interesting about that, Annie?
让我觉得有趣的是，你居然一个朋友都没有。
It's interesting to me that you have you have absolutely no friends.
你知道为什么这很有趣吗？
You know why it's interesting?
一个朋友就站在你面前，正试图跟你说话，而你却选择谈论你没有朋友这件事。
Here's a friend standing directly in front of you trying to talk to you, and you choose to talk about the fact that you don't have any friends.
你懂我的意思吗？
You know what I mean?
不懂。
Nope.
我觉得你并不想要任何帮助。
I don't think you want any help.
我觉得你只是想开个小小的同情派对。
I think you wanna have a little pity party.
是的。
Yeah.
我觉得安妮想要一场小小的同情派对。
I think Annie wants a little pity party.
所以我认为那个片段中发生的情况是，当你只专注于自我批评，觉得一切都糟糕透顶，陷入这种负面偏见时，你就根本看不到那些美好的事物，比如你其实是有朋友的，对吧？
So I think what was happening in that clip is when you just focus on self criticism and everything's wrong and we're really in this negativity bias, you can't even see the good things like you actually have friends, right?
所以事情并没有你想象的那么糟糕。
So things aren't as bad as you think they are.
你知道吗？你批评自己，觉得自己毫无希望、一无是处，这种想法渐渐会演变成自我怜悯。
You know, you criticize yourself, I'm so hopeless, I'm so worthless, and it kind of starts morphing into self pity.
我们的一部分可能希望这种表现能换来他人的同情和回应，但当然不会，因为谁愿意和一个满是自我怜悯的人待在一起呢？
There may be part of us that's hoping that that will get a compassionate response from others, but of course it doesn't, because who wants to be around someone who's full of self pity?
我从你的研究中领悟到的一点是，自我批评有时可能是自我关注或自我沉溺的延伸，某种程度上，那些经常批评自己的人，往往无法跳出自我来看问题。
One of the things that I took away from your work interesting is that self criticism can sometimes be an outgrowth of self focus or self absorption, that in some ways the person who is regularly criticizing themselves really is often unable to step outside themselves.
对。
Right.
羞耻感和自我批评都是极度自我中心的状态。
So shame and self criticism, they're incredibly self absorbed states.
你只是在想自己有多糟糕、多可怕，犯了多大的错误。
You're just thinking about how awful you are, how horrible you are, what a big mistake you made.
所以自我贬低，别人可能也会稍微喜欢一点。
So self deprecation, other people may kind of like it a little bit.
自我批评，尤其是没有幽默感的时候，非常严肃，真的会让人反感并让你偏离正轨。
The self criticism is, especially when it's done without humor, it's really serious, can turn people off and derail you, really.
所以，除了对我们自己非常苛刻之外，你能谈谈我们中的一些人是如何贬低他人来让自己感觉更好吗？
So, besides being very critical of ourselves, can you talk about how some of us denigrate others to feel better about ourselves?
这表面上是为了提升我们的自尊，但我无法想象这对人际关系会有什么好处。
So it's superficially designed to boost our self esteem, but I can't imagine that this can be good for relationships.
对。
Right.
所以，呃，尚卡尔，我可以问你一个问题吗？
So, well, know, Shankar, can I ask you a question?
好的。
Yes.
如果我说你的播客很普通，你会有什么感觉？
If I said your podcast was average, how would you feel?
我会感到深受伤害。
I would feel deeply wounded.
你会感到深受伤害，对吧？
You'd feel deeply wounded, right?
如果你说我的书很普通，我也会感到深受伤害，对吧？
And if you said my book was average, I'd feel deeply wounded, Right?
所以我们都会受到这种影响，不是吗？
So we all suffer from this, don't we?
我们都必须觉得自己是特别的、超出平均水平的，才能勉强感到自我良好。
We all have to feel special and above average just for baseline to feel good about ourselves.
因此，这种社会比较深深植根于自我价值的需求中。
And so this social comparison is really built into the need for self esteem.
所以我们开始这么做，因为我们都想超越平均水平，其中一种方式就是说：哦，那位学者的研究没我好，或者那个人的播客也没我好。
So what we start doing, because we all want to be above average, is one way to feel above average is to say, oh, that other scholar's work isn't quite as good as mine, or that other person's podcast isn't quite as good as mine.
我们这样做往往很微妙，甚至可能并非有意，但只要有机会，我们总会试图悄悄贬低他人、抬高自己，以此来提升自尊。
And we do it subtly, maybe not even intentionally, but we're always trying, if we can get away with it, to subtly put others down and puff ourselves up in comparison so that we can, again, boost our self esteem.
但某种程度上，我觉得你所说的像是一种糖分带来的兴奋感。
But in some ways, I think what I hear you saying is that this is like a sugar high.
这是一种短暂的爆发，但从某种意义上说，它阻碍了我们去实践那种真正能拉近我们与他人或自己距离的同情心？
It's sort of a transient burst that you get, but in some ways, it's keeping us from exercising the kind of compassion that can actually draw us closer to other people or closer to ourselves?
是的，当我们必须觉得自己优于他人，才能对自己感觉良好时，这就会在关系中制造隔阂，对吧？
Yes, so when we have to feel better than others to feel good about ourselves that creates distance in relationships, right?
但如果我们能对自己保持慈悲，也就是说，接受我们自身是有缺陷的，这也会让我们更贴近他人，因为我们接受他们也有缺陷，接受我们自己也有缺陷。
But if we can be compassionate toward ourselves, in other words we accept that we're flawed, It also allows us to be closer to others because we accept that they're flawed, we accept that we're flawed.
我们实际上能与他人以及自己的不完美产生连接，而不是认为他们有缺陷，而我却没有。
We can actually feel connected to others and our imperfection as opposed to thinking that they're flawed but I'm not.
所以，这就是为什么自我慈悲对人际关系如此有益：当我们能更宽容地对待自己时，就能更宽容地对待他人；我们不必非得比别人优秀才能感觉良好，这意味着我们能在关系中拥有更深的亲密感。
So that's one of the reasons self compassion is so good for relationships that when we can be more forgiving toward ourselves, we can be more forgiving toward others, we don't have to be better than others in order to feel good about ourselves which means we can have more intimacy in relationships.
我们回来后，如何降低内心批评者的声音音量。
When we come back, how to take the voice of our inner critic and turn down the volume.
你正在收听隐藏思维。
You're listening to hiddenbrain.
我是 Shankar Vedanta。
I'm Shankar Vedanta.
这是隐藏思维。
This is hiddenbrain.
我是 Shankar Vedanta。
I'm Shankar Vedanta.
克里斯汀·内夫是德克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校的心理学家。
Kristin Neff is a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin.
她发现，我们对自己往往比对他人更苛刻。
She finds that we're often harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else.
我们会因为自己的缺点而批评自己，为微小的错误责备自己。
We criticize ourselves for shortcomings, beat up on ourselves for trivial mistakes.
克里斯汀，在你读研究生期间经历那段艰难时期时，你找到了各种方式来苛责自己。
Kristin, while you were in graduate school and you went through this terrible saga, you found all kinds of ways to beat up on yourself.
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但你也开启了一段走向自我同情的旅程。
But you also started a journey toward self compassion.
你能告诉我，是什么样的人生经历让你走向了这个方向吗？
Can you tell me what happened in your own life that led you in that direction?
是的。
Yes.
就像我所说的，我当时状态很差，同时也很担心能否拿到博士学位、能否找到工作。
So I was a basket case, like I said, but I was also nervous about getting my PhD, would I get a job?
我了解到正念冥想有助于缓解压力。
And I had learned that mindfulness meditation was good for stress.
我听说过这个方法，当时我在伯克利，离我住的地方不远就有一个冥想小组。
I had heard this and I was in Berkeley and there was a meditation group just down the street from where I lived.
那是一个佛教团体。
And it was a Buddhist group.
我第一次去的那个晚上，带领小组的女士谈到了自我同情。
And the very first night I went, the woman leading the group talked about self compassion.
我听说过同情心。
I had heard of compassion.
我知道佛教徒谈论同情心，但我以前从未听说过自我同情。
Knew that Buddhists talked about compassion, but I'd never heard of self compassion before.
这对我来说真是豁然开朗的时刻。
And it was a real light bulb moment for me.
我当时就想，等等，即使你做错了事，你也有权利对自己温柔和支持，当然，这正是我经历与彼得相关的一切、充满羞愧、内疚和各种纷争的时候。
It was like, wait a second, you're allowed to be kind and supportive to yourself even if you've done something wrong, which of course, so this is when I was going through everything with Peter and all the shame and all the guilt and all drama of it.
当我试着将同情的视角转向自己，并尝试这样做时。
When I tried to turn the lens of compassion inward, and I tried it out.
所以，你知道，克里斯汀，是的，我知道你因为离开丈夫、背叛他而感到非常糟糕，但每个人都会犯错。
So, you know, Kristin, yes, I know you feel really horrible about leaving your husband and cheating on him and all that, but everyone makes mistakes.
你当时已经尽了全力。
You did your best at the time.
你只是想要一种以前从未体验过的新的爱，这再正常不过了。
You wanted this new experience of love that you'd never had before and that's so human.
于是我开始对自己更温暖、更支持、更理解。
So I started being warmer and more supportive and more understanding toward myself.
奇怪的是，这并没有让我觉得：好吧，那就这样吧。
And the crazy thing is it didn't make me say, Okay, well that's fine.
我可以随便去欺骗任何人。
I'll just cheat on whoever.
这并不是说它让我忽视了自己的行为。
It's not like it caused me to dismiss my behavior.
相反，它让我更能为自己的行为承担责任。
It actually allowed me to take more responsibility for it.
我能够正视它，因为当时的情况是我根本不敢去看它。
I could turn toward it because what was happening is I couldn't even look at it.
那仍然太痛苦了，我充满了羞愧。
It was still so painful and I was feeling all the shame.
但我甚至无法真正面对或处理我所做过的事。
But I couldn't even really hold or process what I'd done.
所以，当我越能对自己说：是的，你在经历痛苦，这是人之常情，你犯了个错误。
So the more I was able to say yes you're feeling pain, it was human, you made a mistake.
我仍然感到内疚，因为是的，我后悔自己的行为。
I still felt guilty in the sense that yes I regretted my behavior.
我真希望当时能有足够的智慧或成熟度，避免陷入那种境地，但那时的我就是那样。
I wish I would have had the wherewithal or the maturity to not have been in that situation but that's where I was.
因此，我对自己越温和、越支持，就越能对自己的所作所为承担责任，同时也能够从中走出来。
And so the kinder and more supportive I could be toward myself the more able I was to take responsibility for what I had done but also to move on from it.
对吧？
Right?
所以，我不再被困在那里，而是能够吸取教训。
So instead of being stuck there I was able to learn my lessons.
好吧，今后只要有可能，我绝不会再让自己陷入那种情况。
Okay, I'm never going to get myself in that situation again if I can help it.
并且更加坚定地承诺诚实，努力成为世界上有益的力量，不再伤害他人。
And to really commit much more firmly to honesty and trying to be a force for good in the world and not to harm others.
你知道吗，听你这么说，我意识到当你对自己特别苛刻时，某种程度上你是在告诉自己：我是个这么好的人，所以我可以因为做了这么糟糕的事而惩罚自己。
You know, it's interesting as you're saying this because I'm realizing that when you were really hard on yourself, part of what was happening, I think, was you were telling yourself, look, I'm such a good person that I can beat up on myself for doing this really bad thing.
但当你对自己有同理心时，你实际上是在承认事情的真实发生。
But when you're self compassionate, it's almost like you're saying, I'm actually acknowledging what actually happened.
完全正确。
Absolutely.
所以，自我批评的背后，其实是一种高高在上的姿态。
So the self critic, the back of the self critic is tall.
我是个这么好的人，所以我清楚自己有多糟糕。
I'm such a good person that I know what a bad person I am.
而且，自我批评还有一种控制感，仿佛我本该做得更好，尽管我并没有做到。
And also, the self critic has a sense of control, as if I should have been able to get it right even though I didn't.
这种控制感，加上‘我是个好人，所以我清楚自己有多糟糕’的思维模式，实际上是在抬高自我。
And that sense of control and kind of like I am a good person and I know what a bad person I am, that kind of again props up the ego.
而当你运用自我同情时，你并不是在说‘我是个糟糕、无价值的人’，而是在说：我是个普通人。
And so what you do with self compassion, it's not like you're saying I'm a bad, worthless person, but what you're saying is I'm a human being.
是的，我当时失去了控制。
Yes, I wasn't in control.
当时有很多不成熟的地方，还有许多因素影响了我所做的决定。
There was a lot of immaturity, a lot of factors that played in to the decisions I made.
我并不是唯一一个伤害过别人或做过让自己深深后悔的事的人。
I'm not the only one who's hurt someone or that did something they really regretted.
当你接纳这一点，当你意识到自己是一个有缺陷的人类时，我喜欢说，你正在成为一个富有同情心的混乱体。
And then when you open to that, when you open to the fact that you're a flawed human being, I like to say what you're doing is you're becoming a compassionate mess.
你仍然是个混乱体。
You're still a mess.
你不再期待自己完美无缺，但当你对这种混乱抱以同情时，它就变得更容易应对了。
You don't expect yourself to be perfect, but when you're compassionate toward that mess, it becomes much more workable.
你更能看清自己做过什么，承认它，并为之承担责任。
You're more able to see what you've done, to own it, to take responsibility for it.
你拥有更多的情感资源，可以从错误中学习，并承诺在未来做出不同的尝试。
You have more emotional resources to learn from your mistakes and commit to trying to do something differently in the future.
我在想，当你在做这件事的时候，你内心有没有一个自我批评的部分，会回应说：‘你知道吗，克里斯汀，你只是在让自己脱身而已。’
I'm wondering, as you were doing this, though, was there a part of you, self critical part of you, that would say in response, you know what, Kristin, you're just letting yourself off the hook.
哦，是的，绝对有，对吧？
Oh yeah, absolutely, right?
所以当你刚开始学习自我同情时，会听到一个声音说：‘好吧，我要试着理解并支持自己，我只是凡人’，而另一个声音则说：‘你全是借口，你只是在让自己脱身。’
So when you first learn self compassion, it sounds like this one voice that says, okay, I'm going to try to understand and support myself, I'm only human, and another voice that says, you're full of it, you're just letting yourself off the hook.
因为我们不习惯对自己友善和支持。
Because we aren't used to being kind and supportive toward ourself.
结果就是，自我批评会抗拒现实。
What happens is the self critic resists reality.
自我批评 somehow 相信，只要我们足够努力，完美就是可能的。
The self critic somehow believes that perfection is possible if we just try hard enough.
自我同情则会说：‘嘿，现实其实就是会犯错。’
The self compassion is like, hey, reality actually means making mistakes.
那也没关系。
Well, that's okay.
让我们看看能从它们身上学到什么，并且成长。
Let's just see what we can learn from them and grow.
这花了一段时间，但我在研究中开始发现，实际上，更具自我同情心的人反而更愿意为自己的错误承担责任，他们更认真负责，也更可能道歉。
So it took a while, but what I started to see in my research that actually people who are more self compassionate take more responsibility for their mistakes, they're more conscientious, they're more likely to apologize.
讽刺的是，尽管‘自我’这个词出现在自我同情中，但当你采取这种态度时，实际上你不必那么以自我为中心。
Ironically, even though the word self is in self compassion, when you take that approach, it actually means you don't have to be so self focused.
克里斯汀发现了一些重要的东西。
Kristin had discovered something important.
许多人回避自我同情的原因之一，是因为他们认为苛责自己是进步的唯一方式。
One reason many people avoid self compassion is because they think being harsh with themselves is the only way to improve.
当然，当我们对待同事、朋友或孩子时，我们中的许多人并不相信这一点。
Of course, many of us do not believe this is the case when it comes to dealing with coworkers or friends or children.
但当我们面对自己时，却会回到体罚的旧观念。
But we turn to old ideas about corporal punishment when it comes to ourselves.
我们认为必须苛责自己、批评自己才能成功、实现目标或做出改变，这种信念正是我们在研究中发现的阻碍自我同情的首要因素。
The belief that we need to be hard on ourselves, criticize ourselves to succeed or reach our goals or make a change is actually the number one block to self compassion we found in the research.
人们担心，如果对自己太友善，就什么都做不成了。
People are afraid that they're kind to themselves, they just won't get anything done.
首先，批评确实能在一定程度上起到激励作用。
So first of all, criticism, it kind of works as a motivator.
很多人靠自我批评完成了医学院或法学院的学业。
A lot of people get through med school or law school through self criticism.
但它发挥作用的方式，就像体罚对孩子那样。
But it works kind of the way corporal punishment works with children.
它能带来短期的顺从，却会造成长期的伤害。
It gets short term compliance, but it causes a lot of long term harm.
所以，你可能会通过恐吓或羞辱自己来迫使自己更努力地学习或工作，或者做任何你需要做的事来实现目标。
So it may you may scare yourself or shame yourself into studying more or working harder or whatever it is you need to do to achieve your goals.
但它会带来许多长期的负面后果。
But it has a lot of long term negative consequences.
比如，它会引发焦虑。
So, for instance, it creates anxiety.
一点焦虑是可以接受的。
A little anxiety is okay.
但当你焦虑过多时，实际上会削弱你发挥最佳水平的能力。
But when you have a lot of anxiety, it actually undermines your ability to perform at your best.
如果你感到强烈的羞耻，羞耻会抑制我们学习和成长的能力，因为当我们陷入羞耻时，就无法问自己：我从这个错误中学到了什么？
If you have a lot of shame, shame actually shuts down our ability to learn and to grow because when we've come absorbed in shame, we can't say, well, what did I learn from this mistake?
你只是在想自己是多么糟糕的人。
You're just thinking about what a horrible person you are.
它会导致抑郁等问题。
It leads to things like depression.
而抑郁的表现之一就是缺乏动力。
And again, one of the manifestations of depression is a lack of motivation.
所以，它可能在短期内有效，但从长远来看，却是适得其反的。
So again, it may work in the short term, but in the long run, it's counterproductive.
克里斯汀引用了一项研究，探讨了自我同情在学习中的效果。
Kristin cites one study that examined the efficacy of self compassion in learning.
她在母校加州大学伯克利分校的学生们参加了一次非常困难的词汇测试。
Students at her alma mater, UC Berkeley, were given a very difficult vocabulary test.
这个测试被设计得如此困难，以至于所有学生都失败了。
It was designed to be so difficult that all the students failed.
他们分成了三组。
They had three groups.
第一组得到了自尊心的提升，也就是别担心。
One group they gave a self esteem boost to, which is don't worry about it.
你一定很聪明。
You must be smart.
你可是考进了伯克利呢。
You got into Berkeley for goodness sake.
对吧？
Right?
另一组则什么都没说，意味着这些大概是伯克利的学生，他们很可能因为词汇测试失败而自我责备。
Another group, they didn't tell anything, meant they were probably these are Berkeley students, so they were probably beating themselves up for failing the vocab test.
第三组则被要求对自己保持善意和理解。
And the third group, they told to be self compassionate.
你知道，没关系，每个人都会失败。
You know, hey, it's okay, everyone fails.
这个测试很难，试着对自己温柔一点，多支持自己。
It was a hard test, try to be kind and supportive to yourself.
然后他们说：好了，我们要再给你们一次词汇测试。
And then they said, okay, we're gonna give you the vocab test again.
你们可以随意学习，这里有学习材料，等你们准备好了就告诉我们，我们再进行下一次测试。
You can study as long as you want, here's some materials you can study and just let us know when you're ready to take the next test.
他们发现，那些被鼓励以善意对待失败的人，实际上为下一次测试学习了更长时间。
And what they found is those people who are told to be self compassionate about the failure actually studied longer for the next test.
学习时间与他们的表现好坏有关。
Study time was associated with how well they did.
这表明，你或许能提升自尊，但这并不一定会促使你做得更好，因为嘿，我已经很聪明了，不需要学习。
It kind of shows that you may boost your self esteem, but it's not necessarily going to lead to trying to do any better because, hey, I'm already smart, I don't need to study.
或者当你在责备自己时，这可能会削弱你学习的能力，因为你充满了羞耻感或自我批评；但如果说‘没关系，每个人都会失败，为什么不重新尝试一次呢？’
Or when you're criticizing yourself, it kind of might undermine your ability to study because you're full of the shame or the self criticism, but saying, hey, it's okay, everyone fails, why don't I just try again?
这就是自我同情能带给你的东西。
That's what self compassion gives you.
在你的研究中，你发现自我同情包含三个不同的组成部分。
In your research, you found that self compassion involves three distinct components.
它们是什么，克里斯汀？
What are they, Kristin?
除了我们一直在讨论的善意之外，还有一个是正念，即能够觉察正在发生的一切，并接受它正在发生。
In addition to kindness, which is really what we've been talking about, one is actually mindfulness, which is the ability to become aware of whatever is happening as it's happening and kind of accept that it is happening.
当我们面对自己的痛苦时，无论是因为犯了错误、失败，还是因为像疫情这样的事件或其他生活中的困难，我们通常都不愿意正视它。
When it comes to our own pain, again, whether that pain is because we've made a mistake or we failed or that pain comes from something happens like the pandemic or something difficult in life, we usually don't want to be mindful of it.
我们宁愿假装它不存在。
We'd like to pretend it's not there.
我们宁愿转过身去。
We'd like to turn away.
我们想要反抗它、与之抗争。
We'd like to rail against it and fight against it.
为了善待自己，我们必须承认自己正在受苦。
In order to be kind to ourselves, we have to acknowledge that we're hurting.
这就像一个朋友给你打电话，说：嘿， Shankar，我真的很需要谈谈。
It's almost like if a friend, you know, called you up and said, Hey, I really need to talk, Shankar.
我遇到了一个大问题。
I've got this big problem.
我感觉很糟糕。
I'm feeling badly.
你却说：抱歉，我太忙了。
You're like, I'm sorry, I'm too busy.
我没法跟你聊。
I can't talk to you.
你不会这样对朋友表现出同情的。
You couldn't give that to your friend compassion.
你无法对自己给予同情。
You can't give yourself compassion.
因此，自我同情的第一步是正念，即愿意承认我们正在受苦，即使这种痛苦源于我们所犯的错误或失败。
And so the first step of self compassion is mindfulness, the willingness to acknowledge that we're hurting, even if that hurt comes from some failure or mistake we made.
在我们能够善待自己之前，需要先有这种觉察。
And then we need that before we can be kind to ourselves.
但当我们善待自己时，使这种善待成为同情的，是对他人联结的感知。
But as we're being kind to ourselves, what makes it compassion is the sense of connectedness to others.
我的一生中经历过挣扎，其他人的人生中也都有他们的挣扎。
I have struggled in my life, other people have struggles in their life.
这正是自我同情与自我怜悯的区别所在，而这至关重要。
This is actually what separates self compassion from self pity, and it makes all the difference.
所以我看到这三条不同的线索。
So I'm seeing these three different threads.
有自我友善，有正念，还有——如果你愿意这么说的话——对我们共同人性的认同。
There's self kindness, there's mindfulness, and there's, if you will, a recognition of our common humanity.
是的
Yes.
在谈到正念这一部分时，我注意到你提到的一点：当我们正念地看待自己所做的事情时，既不淡化它，也不夸大它。
And when it comes to the mindfulness component of it as I was struck by something you were saying when we are mindful of what we have done that involves not diminishing what we have done but also it involves not exaggerating what we have done.
因此，正念可能带给我们的，是一种更准确地看待自己实际所作所为的视角，而不是去贬低或夸大它。
So one of the things that mindfulness might give us is it might give us a more accurate picture of what actually we have done rather than minimizing or exaggerating it.
没错。
Exactly.
正念是一种平衡的态度，带有全面的视角。
So mindfulness is kind of it's a balanced stance that has perspective.
我们之所以能在自我同情中拥有这种视角，部分原因在于我们通常对他人是富有同情心的。
And part of the reason we have perspective with self compassion is we're usually compassionate toward others.
这感觉很自然。
That's what feels natural.
因此，当我们对自己施以同情时，我们是在跳出自我，以看待朋友的方式来看待自己。
And so when we're giving compassion to ourselves, we're stepping outside of ourselves, to see ourselves as if we were a friend.
然后说，哇，你真的很难受。
And to say, wow, you're really hurting.
对吧？
Right?
这种距离感，而不是被羞耻感淹没，能给我们所需的视角，既不忽视、不淡化，也不夸大。
And that distance instead of being absorbed in the shame gives us the perspective we need to not ignore minimize, but also not to exaggerate either.
这就是为什么正念对自我同情如此关键。
And that's why mindfulness is so key to self compassion.
在某些方面，放下完美主义、善待自己，说起来容易做起来难，尤其是如果你一生都对自己苛刻的话。
Now, some ways, it's easier said than done, to set aside perfectionism, to be kind to yourself, especially if you've spent a lifetime being harsh.
你有一个关于‘自我同情暂停’的非常有趣的想法。
You have a very interesting idea about something called a self compassion break.
能跟我讲讲，在你生活中，当你被事情困扰时，你是如何进行自我同情暂停的吗？
Tell me about times in your life when you've been caught up with things and you've taken a self compassion break.
是的，自我同情暂停其实非常简单。
Yeah, so the self compassion break is really quite simple.
它涉及有意识地引入正念，觉察你正在经历的事情以及你正在受苦的事实，同时唤起共同人性，提醒自己即使感觉孤独，你其实并不孤单。
It involves intentionally bringing in mindfulness, awareness of what's happening to you and the fact that you're struggling, bringing in common humanity, reminding yourself that you aren't alone even though it may feel like it.
所以每当你注意到痛苦时，就像手机闹钟提醒你：该进行自我同情暂停了。
So whenever you notice there's pain, like the alarm on your phone to say, hey, it's time for a self compassion break.
自我同情暂停不仅包括善意的话语——我们确实会这样对自己说话，就像对待一个好朋友一样，还包括触觉。
And part of the self compassion break is not only kind words, which we do use, speaking to yourself like you might speak to a good friend, but also touch.
对吧？
Right?
只是简单地把手放在心口或脸上，就能唤起那些关于被他人关爱的回忆和感受。
The very simple act of putting your hand on your heart or maybe on your face, it triggers those memories, the feeling of being cared for by others through touch.
整个过程只需大约两分钟。
And it can take like two minutes to do.
这就像给电脑按下重置键，能带来巨大的改变。
It's like pushing the reset button on a computer makes a huge difference.
我也在想，如果能更持续地展现自我同情，是否也能帮助你对他人更加富有同情心。
I'm wondering also if demonstrating more consistent self compassion can help you become more compassionate toward other people.
我的意思是，这对你与朋友的关系有帮助吗？
I mean, does it help you in your relationships with your friends, for example?
它能帮助你让他们变得更加自我同情吗？
Does it help you help them become more self compassionate?
所以答案是肯定的。
So the answer is yes.
首先，我得说，有些人认为你必须先对自己有同情心，才能对他人有同情心。
Well, first of all, I have to say some people say that you have to be self compassionate before you can have compassion for others.
但实际上，根据我的研究，情况并非如此。
Actually, in my research, find that's not the case.
事实上，大多数人对他人都很富有同情心，却对自己缺乏同情。
Actually, most people are very compassionate towards others and not compassionate toward themselves.
但当你对自己有同情心时，它能让你在不耗尽自己的情况下持续对他人保持同情。
But when you are self compassionate, what it does is it allows you to sustain compassion for others without burning out.
如果我们不断给予他人，却不断责备自己，最终我们的能量会枯竭，导致精疲力尽、沮丧，甚至可能因愤怒而爆发。
So if we give and we give and we give toward others and beat ourselves up, eventually our couple will run dry and we'll get burnt out, we'll get frustrated, maybe we'll snap in anger.
所以，自我同情能让你持续地陪伴他人。
So self compassion allows you to sustain being there for others.
此外，研究还表明，当你公开展现自我同情时，他人会通过模仿的过程部分地学会自我同情。
And then also, what we know from the research as well is that when you model self compassion out loud, other people learn self compassion partly through a process of modeling.
所以，当你和自己对话时，不要责备自己，而是说：没关系，我搞砸了，人总会犯错，我会再试一次。
So when you talk to yourself, instead of beating yourself up, you say something like, well, it's okay, I messed up, it's only human, I'll just try again.
这样，其他人就会意识到，也许这是一种更好的自我对话方式，从而在你身边时也开始变得更加自我同情。
Then other people get the message that maybe that's a better way to talk to themselves and they start being more self compassionate when they're around you.
我在想，克里斯汀，帮助人们更善待自己的一个方法，是不是让他们问问自己：如果犯错的不是自己，而是他们的好朋友，他们会怎么回应？
I'm wondering, Kristin, if one way to help people be more compassionate to themselves is to ask themselves how they would respond if the person making a mistake was not them but a good friend of theirs.
这实际上是一种练习方法。
That's actually one of the practices.
我们教人们进行自我同情时，最先教的练习之一就是想象：你关心的一个好朋友正处于和你完全相同的境况中。
One of the first practices we teach people for being self compassionate is to imagine that a good friend they cared about was in the exact same situation that they are.
因为自然地，我们往往对亲近的朋友——那些我们关心的人——会表现出更多的同情心。
Because naturally we tend to be especially our close friends, the ones we care about we tend to be compassionate to them.
你还可以想象一下，那位亲密朋友会对你说些什么，这能为你提供一个参考，告诉你该如何对自己说话。
The other thing you could do is you could imagine what that close friend would say to you and it gives you a model for what type of thing you may say to yourself.
你还谈到与内在批评者交朋友的重要性。
You also talk about the importance of making friends with your inner critic.
你这么说是什么意思？
What do you mean by this?
是的，这非常关键。
Yeah, this is really key.
我们不应该因为批评自己而再责备自己。
Again, we shouldn't beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up.
但如果我们能对内在批评者说：我明白你是在试图通过自我批评来帮助我，但也许更有成效的方式是用同情心来帮助自己。
But if we can say to our inner critic, I see that you're actually trying to help me with your self criticism, but maybe there's a more effective way to help myself, which is actually compassion.
这能让我们的内在批评者感到被倾听。
It allows our inner critic to feel heard.
同样，如果我们压制内在的批评，那个察觉危险的部分就会更加大声地喊叫，以求被听见。
Again, if we shut down our inner criticism, the part of us that sees the danger is gonna try to shout that much louder to be heard.
但如果我们说：嘿，我听见你了。
But if we say, hey, I hear you.
明白了，非常感谢你指出这种行为造成了伤害，或者这没什么帮助，我听见了，谢谢。
Got it, thank you so much for pointing out that this behavior is causing harm or this isn't very helpful, I hear you, thank you.
但我认为，我打算通过鼓励来促成改变，而不是通过羞耻感来促成改变，这种方式实际上会更有效。
But I think the way I'm gonna try to approach this is through encouragement to make a change as opposed to shame to make a change is actually going to be more effective.
克里斯汀，你最近生活中有没有帮助过别人，让他们对自己更有同情心的例子？
Are there examples, Kristin, in your own recent life where you've helped someone else show greater compassion for themselves?
比如我的儿子。
Well, so my son, for instance.
所以我的儿子，我必须一直努力帮助他培养同情心。
So my son, I have to try to help him have compassion all the time.
我的儿子，你可能以为他是我的儿子，所以从不自我批评，但他的自闭症实际上让他非常自我批评，因为他责备自己时，误以为这样能让他掌控局面，避免犯错。
My son you might think because he's my son is never self critical but his autism actually causes him to be very self critical because when he beats himself up he's under the illusion that somehow that's going to allow him to control things so he won't make mistakes.
无论他在学校得了不理想的分数，还是我记得有一次他需要钥匙时却把钥匙弄丢了，他就一直在责备自己。
Whether he gets a grade he doesn't want in school or I remember one time he forgot his keys when he needed them and he was just beating himself up.
多年来他一直抗拒我，他会说：‘妈妈，别跟我谈什么自我同情了’，因为他正处于青春期的叛逆期，就像所有孩子一样。
For years he resisted me, he's like don't give me that self compassion stuff mommy because he was going through his adolescent rebellion like all kids do.
现在他真的明白了。
Now he really gets it.
所以现在，比如当他犯错时，我会听到他对自己说：‘没关系，每个人都会犯错。’
So now for instance, I'll hear him say to himself when he makes a mistake, it's okay, everyone makes mistakes.
这并不是世界末日。
It's not the end of the world.
这实际上现在帮助他更好地应对了。
And it's actually helping him cope now.
我想花一点时间谈谈你和其他人关于自我同情益处的研究。
I want to spend a little time talking about the research that you and others have done into the benefits of self compassion.
我想象有些听者可能会说：‘这不过是空洞的乐观罢了，只是对自己好一点而已。’
I imagine that there are some people who are listening to this who say, you know, this is just happy talk, you know, just being kind to yourself.
但你和其他人确实发现，自我同情在情感上和实践上都有实证支持。
But but you and others have found that there's actually empirical backing at an emotional level, at a practical level, for the benefits of self compassion.
你能向我描述一下这项研究吗？
Can you describe that work to me,
是的，如今这方面的文献已经非常庞大了。
Yeah, well the literature now is huge.
关于自我同情的好处，已有近4000项研究。
It's approaching 4,000 studies on the benefits of self compassion.
这可不是什么空洞的乐观言论，对吧？
It ain't just happy talk, right?
这些研究有的是通过观察那些天生更具有自我同情心的人得出的，他们往往更快乐、对生活更满意、抑郁和焦虑更少、动力更强。
And these studies are either by looking at people who are naturally more self compassionate, they tend to be happier, more satisfied with their lives, less depressed, less anxious, more motivated.
还有大量实验研究，要么是让人们在当下进入自我同情的心态，要么是长期训练他们培养自我同情的能力。
There's also a lot of experimental research, either putting people in a self compassionate frame of mind in the moment or else training them to be self compassionate over the long run.
而且他们自杀的念头也更少。
And again, are less likely to contemplate suicide.
他们的饮食也更健康。
They eat better.
他们睡得更好。
They sleep better.
他们不太可能从事成瘾等试图逃避痛苦的不健康行为。
They're less likely to engage in behaviors like addiction or ways to try to escape their pain that are unhealthy.
他们更有可能采取安全性行为，对吧？
They're more likely to practice safe sex, right?
当你关心自己时，你更有可能做保护自己的事情。
When you care about yourself, you're more likely to do things that protect yourself.
这些好处源源不断。
The benefits go on and on.
它让你更强大。
It makes you stronger.
当你成为自己内在的盟友时，相比把自己当作敌人并不断贬低自己，你将更有能力度过难关。
When you are an inner ally to yourself, you're going to be much more capable of getting through the hard times than when you're an enemy and you know, cut yourself down.
所以，研究结果是——当然，我有点偏颇，但我认为，到目前为止，自我同情对幸福感的好处是无可争议的。
So the research is, well, of course, I'm a little biased, but I think it's incontrovertible at this point that self compassion is good for well-being.
你和一位同事曾研究过自我同情在人际关系中的作用，以及它对个人和亲密关系的影响。
You and a colleague once looked at the role of self compassion in relationships and the effects it had on personal and intimate relationships.
你们发现了什么？
What did you find?
是的，这非常有趣。
Yeah, so it was really interesting.
我们研究了一对对伴侣，让每个人填写自我同情量表，同时也让人们评价对方的行为。
So we had couples and we had each person in the couple fill out the self compassion scale, but we had people rate their partner's behaviors.
比如，你的伴侣对你有多亲密？
Like, how intimate is your partner with you?
他们对你有多友善？
How kind are they to you?
他们对你有多支持？
How supportive are they to you?
他们多久对你发一次脾气，或表现出负面行为？
How often do they get angry at you or get into negative behaviors?
我们发现，那些更具自我同情心的人，被伴侣评价为更好的关系伴侣——更亲密、更体贴、更深情，伴侣也对与这些具有自我同情心的人在一起感到更满意。
And what we found is that people who are more self compassionate were rated by their partners as being much better relationship partners as being closer, more caring, more intimate, they felt more satisfied with self compassionate partners.
这基本上是因为，当我们用自我同情、温暖和关怀来滋养自己时，实际上会让我们拥有更多资源去给予他人。
And basically, that's because when we resource ourselves with self compassion and warmth and care that actually gives us more resources to give to others.
当我们陷入羞耻和自我批评时，实际上会消耗我们给予他人的情感能量。
When we are lost in shame and self criticism we actually have less emotional energy to give to others.
这几乎是个悖论，不是吗？我们越能正视自己的不完美，就越能采取行动去改变；而我们越是因自己的不完美而苛责自己，就越无法真正做出改变。
It's almost a paradox isn't it that the more we're able to see our imperfections the more we can do something about it the more we beat up on ourselves for our imperfections the less we can do about it.
没错。
Exactly.
卡尔·罗杰斯曾著名地指出：这个奇妙的悖论是——我越能接纳自己，我就越能改变。
So Carl Rogers famously said the curious paradox is the more I accept myself, the more I can change.
但这并不是说，我必须先改变才能变得值得被爱。
But it's not like I have to change in order to be worthy.
而是因为我关心自己，不想再受苦，所以我才想要改变。
It's I want to change because I care about myself and I don't want to suffer.
这是一种更有效、更持久的动机形式。
It's a much more effective type of motivation and more sustainable in the long run.
克里斯汀·内夫是德克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校的心理学家。
Kristin Neff is a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin.
她著有《善待自己的确凿力量》和《坚韧：女性如何通过善良发声、掌握权力并茁壮成长》。
She's the author of The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself and Fierce How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive.
克里斯汀，非常感谢你今天做客《隐藏的思维》。
Kristin, thank you so much for joining me today on hiddenbrain.
谢谢你，尚卡尔。
Thank you Shankar.
这真是一次愉快的交谈。
It's been a pleasure.
如果你对克里斯汀·内夫有后续问题，并愿意与《隐藏的思维》的听众分享，请录制一段简短的语音备忘录并发送至 ideas@hiddenbrain.org。
If you have follow-up questions for Kristin Neff and are willing to share them with the hiddenbrain audience, record a short voice memo and send it to us at ideas@hiddenbrain.org.
这个邮箱地址再次是 ideas@hiddenbrain.org。
That email address again is ideas@hiddenbrain.org.
六十秒就足够了。
Sixty seconds is plenty.
请使用主题行：自我同情。
Please use the subject line self compassion.
《隐藏的思维》由隐藏思维媒体制作。
Hidden Brain is produced by hiddenbrain media.
我们的音频制作团队包括布里吉特·麦卡锡、安妮·墨菲·保罗、克里斯汀·王、劳拉·夸雷尔、瑞安·卡茨、奥托姆·巴恩斯和安德鲁·查德威克。
Our audio production team includes Bridget McCarthy, Annie Murphy Paul, Kristin Wong, Laura Quarrell, Ryan Katz, Autumn Barnes, and Andrew Chadwick.
塔拉·布伊尔是我们执行制片人。
Tara Boyle is our executive producer.
我是《隐藏的思维》的执行编辑。
I'm hiddenbrain's executive editor.
如果你喜欢今天的节目，请把它分享给三位需要提醒自己多一些自我同情的人。
If you like today's episode, please share it with three people who could use a reminder to show themselves a bit of self compassion.
如果他们是播客新手，请帮助他们订阅我们的节目。
If they are new to podcasting, please help them to subscribe to our show.
我是尚卡尔·维丹塔。
I'm Shankar Vedanta.
很快再见。
See you soon.
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