改变我们的心理地图

当我们感受到强烈的情绪时，常常会在胸口和胃里有明显的反应。

And if we think about our our strong emotional responses, you feel it a lot of times in your your chest and your and in your gut.

当你在思考悲伤时，如果这种信号被压制了，这就形成了一种完美的风暴，恰恰与抑郁相关，这给我们带来了全新的概念难题，因为这完全出乎我们的预料。

And if this signal is being suppressed while you're thinking about your sadness, it's that kind of perfect storm that's actually associated with depression, which pose its own sort of conceptual mysteries for us to understand because it's not at all what we expected.

到这个时候，简直就像大脑失去了身体的联系。

It's almost at that point like you have a brain without a body.

你的大脑里充满了各种想法、活动和自我认知，却完全忽略了身体传来的信号。

Your your brain is full of its own thoughts, its own its own activity, its own self perception, but it's not paying attention to signals coming in from the body.

没错。

That's right.

在容易抑郁的人身上，情况是这样的：他们说，我想保护自己，别被这些负面情绪困扰。

In the case of depression vulnerability, what's happening is people are saying, well, I wanna protect myself from these negative feelings.

这些感觉让人难受、有威胁感，或者就是特别不舒服。

They feel bad or or threatening and or just icky.

所以，我决定暂时不接收新信息，先让大脑专心处理‘我很难过’这个模式。

And so I'm gonna just for now, I'm gonna pause taking a new information just while my brain thinks about this model of of me being sad.

与此同时，默认模式网络一直在想：我就继续琢磨为什么我现在该难过，以前什么时候也难过过，把这些事全串起来，直到有新的信息打断我。

And meanwhile, the default mode network is saying, I'm just gonna keep thinking about all the reasons, you know, I I should feel sad right now, and I felt sad in the past, and link all this information together until I get interrupted by new information.

所以这就像是一个配方，一边启动‘难过机器’，一边把所有可能打断难过的信息都挡在外面。

So so you have this kind of recipe for, you know, turning on the sadness machine and then locking all the doors for other visitors that might might interrupt sadness.

这种通过概念化来反复强化悲伤、同时切断身体感受的做法，反而让悲伤变得更持久，真是有点讽刺。

So there's this ironic perpetuation of of our sadness by conceptualizing it and cutting out the sensory aspects of it.

默认模式网络本身并不主动改变，除非它必须整合新的信息。

The default mode network is not in the business of changing unless it it has to integrate new information.

但现在，我们根本不让它接触任何新信息。

Now we're not letting it integrate new information.

换个说法，大脑正在做两件事。

To put this another way, the brain is doing two things.

它一边接收外界信息，一边用这些信息更新对世界的内在认知模型。

It's taking in information and then using that information to improve its internal maps of the world.

容易抑郁的人似乎停止了接收新信息，结果大脑只剩下自己内部的那些模型。

People with a propensity for depression seem to stop taking in information, leaving the brain with only its own internal maps.

如果这些内心地图充满了对一个不公、冷漠、不幸世界的反复思虑，那就会成为我们眼中唯一的世界。

If those maps are filled with ruminations about an unfair, unkind, unhappy world, that becomes the only world we can see.

即使好事发生在我们身上，即使我们时来运转，内心的图景依然描绘着阴郁的景象。

Even if good things happen to us, even when we catch a break, our internal map continues to paint a picture of gloom.

那么，我们该如何更新这些内心的地图呢？

When we come back, how to update our internal maps?

你正在收听《隐藏的思维》。

You are listening to Hidden Brain.

我是尚卡尔·维丹塔。

I am Shankar Vedanta.

这是《隐藏的思维》。

This is Hidden Brain.

我是尚卡尔·维丹塔。

I'm Shankar Vedanta.

诺曼·法布是多伦多大学的心理学家和神经科学家。

Norman Farb is a psychologist and neuroscientist at the University of Toronto.

他和津德尔·西格尔合著了《更好：感官科学如何帮你重拾生活》。

With Zindel Siegel, he's the author of Better in How the New Science of Sensation Can Help You Reclaim Your Life.

通俗心理学经常谈论左脑和右脑的差异。

Pop psychology talks a lot about the differences between the left brain and the right brain.

但诺姆认为，更重要的区别其实是大脑前部和后部之间的差异。

But Norm says the more important distinction might be between the front of the brain and the back of the brain.

大脑前部是我们构建内心地图的主要区域。

The front of the brain is where a lot of our map making happens.

大脑后部则主要负责接收来自感官的信息。

The back of the brain is mostly where the brain picks up information from our senses.

诺姆说，容易抑郁的人，大脑中负责构建地图的部分非常活跃，而处理感官信息的区域却处于关闭状态。

Among people with a propensity for depression, Norm says the map making part of the brain is very active, while the part that processes sensory information is shut down.

我们压力越大，大脑前部就越活跃，而后部的许多区域则会逐渐失去活性。

The more stressed we become, the more we start seeing that the the front of the brain becomes active and many parts of the back of our brain are becoming, deactivated.

所以你可以把它看作是两个伙伴在合作，共同帮助你应对生活。

So I think you can think of it as a a tale of two partners that are trying to work together to help get you through life.

其中一个伙伴是默认模式网络。

And one of these partners is the default mode network.

它大量运用了让我们更高级的那些心理机制，主要任务是构建一个精准的现实模型，帮我们更高效地应对生活。

It really uses a lot of the mental machinery that, you know, makes us more kind of evolved, and its job is to make a really good model of the world and help us use that model to efficiently get through life.

但另一个伙伴是大脑中负责感知的部分，它始终保持着对世界变化的开放态度。

But this other partner is the sensory, parts of our brain that are just still open to the fact that the world is changing.

对吧？

Right?

这几乎就像一种混沌的力量，而我们恰恰需要这种混沌，因为世界一直在变，如果我们的模型不随变化调整，就一定会出错。

It's it's almost like this force of chaos, and we need to have chaos because the world is changing, and our models are going invariably to be wrong if they do not adapt to change.

所以，当人感到压力大、陷入僵局，或者纳闷为什么总在重复同样的行为、经历同样的互动时，很可能是因为我们以为由默认模式网络主导的那部分大脑，变得太强势了。

And so what seems to be happening when people become stressed or you feel like you're stuck in a rut or you wonder why, like, you keep doing the same things or having the same interactions play out the same way, it seems to be the case that the part of our brain, which we think is driven by default mode network activity, has become too dominant.

而这种强势是以牺牲接纳世界混沌为代价的——尽管这种接纳可能让人害怕，但它能更新我们对世界的认知，也意味着我们自己必须改变。

And it it's happening at the expense of the sometimes scary process of letting the chaos of the world in that could change our models of the world, which also means changing us.

与此同时，我觉得这也能解释，为什么有些人一旦有了某种世界观，就很难从中抽身了。

At the same time, I think that this might explain now why someone who has a certain map of the world is sort of finds themselves not able to extricate themselves from it.

问题的一部分可能是，他们根本不再接收那些能告诉他们地图出错的信息。

Part of the problem might be that they simply have stopped taking in information that could tell them that their map is wrong.

对。

Right.

所以当你面对压力时，可能会想，好吧。

So if your response to a stressor is to think, okay.

我现在没时间去学新东西。

I don't have a lot of time to learn something new right now.

我得先处理眼前这个状况。

I have to deal with this situation.

我手头有哪些现成的办法能应对这种情况？

What do I already have in my toolbox to deal with this sort of situation?

有人对我发火，或者我刚经历失败，担心未来会怎样。

Someone is being aggressive towards me, or I've just experienced a failure and I'm worried about what the future holds.

我们总是倾向于依赖已有的经验。

We're driven to use what we already know.

但问题是，如果我们已有的那些认知反而让我们不断陷入冲突、遭遇失败，或者坠入绝望的深渊，那我们还是会不停地从同一个工具箱里拿同样的工具——而这些工具恰恰就是问题的根源。

But if the problem is that what we already know is leading us to repeatedly get into conflict or to run into failure or to descend into the pits of despair, then we just keep reaching in to the toolbox that has the same tools that are are causing the problem in the first place.

我还在想，比如说，你和一个亲近的人吵了一架，那场架特别痛苦，你整个人都被各种情绪淹没了。

I'm also imagining, let's say, you have a fight with someone who is close to you, and the fight is very painful, and, you know, you're flooded with all kinds of sensations.

你的皮质醇水平飙升了。

Your cortisol levels are elevated.

身体发出了大量信号，告诉你确实发生了很不愉快的事，这时候你的默认模式网络就开始运作了。

So there's a lot of signals coming in from from your body that in fact, you know, something very unpleasant has happened, and now your default mode network kicks in.

你开始在脑子里编故事，琢磨这场架是怎么发生的，你和对方的关系到底怎么样。

You're telling yourself a story about how this fight came to be and what your relationship is like with this other person.

这时候，你对这场冲突的解读就进一步被放大了。

You have now the elaboration of the map.

你不仅经历了这场争吵，还额外构建了一套关于这场争吵的完整认知地图。

You have a map of the fight in in addition to the fight.

我觉得你的意思是，吵架结束两个小时后，身体已经不再向你发送‘刚经历了一场可怕争吵’的信号了。

I think what you're saying is that, you know, two hours after the fight is over, the body has stopped sending you signals that a terrible fight has happened.

身体已经恢复平静了，但关于那场争吵的故事、那个心理地图，还在我们脑子里继续上演。

The body has gone back to baseline, but the story of the fight, the map of the fight continues in our heads.

对有些人来说，这个地图变得如此强大，以至于那场争吵实际上还在继续，它的影响能持续一周、一年，甚至十年，而身体当时感受到的那些剧烈反应，早就几个小时后就消失了。

And for some people, that map becomes so powerful that the fight now persists, and now it has a life that basically is lasting a week, a year, a decade when the bodily sensations of that fight, in fact, have dissipated in a couple of hours.

说得太对了。

That that's exactly right.

更隐蔽的是，当你在身体已经平静下来后还在反复讲这个故事，你的身体根本分不清你是在回忆争吵，还是争吵正在发生。

And then the insidious thing is that because you're telling this story even after the body's calmed down, your body doesn't know the difference between you telling the story about the fight or the fight.

所以它会以为那场争吵又来了。

So it thinks the fight's happening again.

于是你一遍又一遍地重复这个故事时，身体就会不断释放更多的皮质醇和压力荷尔蒙。

So you do actually get more cortisol and more stress hormones released into the body as you hold onto this over and over again.

所以，确实有种讽刺意味：我们想逃离糟糕的感觉，这很自然。

And so, yeah, it's really just like this irony that it makes sense that we want to get away from feeling bad.

我们希望把事情拉到一个抽象的层面，通过故事来梳理、操控，这样省力，也更方便思考。

We want to move things into a kind of conceptual realm where we can manipulate them and think about it in terms of a story and it's less energy intensive and all these things.

所以我们才会这么做，这其实很自然。

So it makes sense that we do this.

但不知不觉间，就像你所说的，我们脑子里已经形成了一个挥之不去的冲突画面，走到哪儿都带着。

But then before we know it, exactly as you said, now we have this model of the fight that we can carry with us wherever we go.

现实生活里就是这样。

And that's what happens in real life.

工作中有人说了句什么，身体刚平静下来，开车回家的路上又想起来，身体立马又紧张了。

Someone says something at work, and then your body kinda comes down, but then driving home, you think about it again and the body reacts.

到家后，你还跟家人讲这件事。

And then you go home and you tell your your loved one about it.

于是，这件事又重演了一遍。

And so now it's happened again.

然后你打电话给朋友，说：你猜刚才那人跟我怎么说的？

And then you call, you know, your friend and you say, do you know what what my this person said to me?

就这样一遍又一遍地重复。

And it happens again and again and again.

所以我们一遍又一遍地重复着这场争执，而实际上它一天也就持续了两三分钟。

So we are, like, inflicting the fight over and over again even though it was only, like, two or three minutes of our day.

我想到一个传说是佛陀和佛教里的故事。

You know, I'm thinking about this story that is ascribed to Buddha and Buddhism.

有个说法叫‘第二支箭’。

There's a story of something that's called the second arrow.

据说佛陀说过，人生在世，我们总会被箭射中。

And the Buddha is supposed to have said, as we go through life, you know, we're going to be struck with arrows.

不幸的事总会发生在我们身上。

Unfortunate things are going to happen to us.

悲剧也会突然降临。

Tragedies are going to strike us.

但我们不该再拿第二支箭，往第一支箭的伤口上再扎一次。

But what we shouldn't do is we shouldn't take a second arrow and plunge it into the site of the first injury.

你刚才说的，其实就是这么回事——工作里吵了一架，可你却在脑子里反复重演了二十遍。

And really what you've just described, you know, you have the fight at work, but then you're reliving that fight now 20 times.

而这二十次里，每一次你都在旧伤上又插进一支新箭。

And each of those 20 times, you're plunging a new arrow into the sight of the old wound.

我觉得这里面有个特别贴切的类比。

I think there's a really nice parallel there.

我们对自己遭遇的负面事件所编的故事，就像第二支箭——尤其是当这些故事消极又让人无力的时候。

It's it's these stories we tell ourselves about the negative events that are like the second arrows potentially if if the stories we tell are negative or disempowering.

当然，我们从小就开始通过身边人的行为，学会该怎么讲述故事来解读各种事件。

And, of course, we learn what stories to tell to interpret events very early on in life through the modeling of the people around us.

诺姆说，如果我们跟自己的感官脱节，就很难感受到与他人的联结。

Norm says that being disconnected from our senses can keep us from feeling connected to other people.

我们越活在内心的地图里，越不去留意与他人互动时自己的感受，就越难真正快乐。

The more we live inside the world of our internal maps and the less we pay attention to how our interactions with others make us feel, the less happy we are going to be.

这其实挺危险的，因为我们都知道，理性永远不可能考虑到所有因素。

And it's kind of catastrophic because we know that our reasoning is never able to take everything into account.

有时候，我们做事的理由再充分不过，却可能严重损害了我们与他人的连接感。

And there's times we can have, perfect reasons for our actions and be doing drastic harm to our sense of relatedness or our connectedness.

所以我们从没被教过，要在讲道理的同时，也问问自己：当你觉得自己是对的时，内心是什么感觉？

So we're not taught to balance this sort of reasoning with, well, what does it feel like while you're being right?

当你坚持自己的观点是正确的，那种感觉又是怎样的？

What does it feel like while you're showing that your model is the correct model?

我想表达的是，当事情需要改变时，往往是由感官发出的信号提醒我们的。

And I guess as I'm trying to say, the signal that things need to change is often a sensory signal.

比如，那种与他人建立连接时感受到的奇妙和美好，就是一种重要的感觉。

It's this feeling that there is something amazing and great about feeling connected to other people, for instance.

当你感受到这种断裂，意识到哪怕你在逻辑上、象征意义上完全正确，但心里清楚出了问题——这种感受其实是最强的驱动力，它会促使你暂时放下自己的框架，去想一想：我到底在假设什么？

And to feel that rupture and realize that something's wrong no matter how right you are, like symbolically and logically, that's a really powerful motivator to to put down your model for a little bit and think about, like, you know, what am I assuming here?

对。

Yeah.

当你想想那么多人际矛盾，还有政治立场上的对立，很多时候争的不过是‘我的地图’和‘你的地图’谁对，却从不问一句：这对我们之间的关系造成了什么影响？

And when you when you think about so many, you know, both interpersonal disagreements as well as, you know, partisan disagreements that we have, So much of that is about, you know, my map versus your map as opposed to asking, you know, how does this affect the relationship between me and you?

对。

Yeah.

我真的觉得，说到底，我们很多人想要的——至少我明确知道自己想要的是什么——就是感受到被他人连接、被爱、被接纳。

I I really think I mean, what what many of us want, I can only I can say say definitely what I want is to feel, you know, connected and loved and accepted by by other people.

这是一种真实的情感。

And that's a that's a real feeling.

对吧？

Right?

在我人生最满足的那些时刻，我都能感受到这种连接。

In the times that I am most satisfied with my life, I feel like I have that connection.

它稳定地存在着。

It's able to be there reliably.

而当我情绪最低落的时候，就是那种感觉孤身一人的时刻。

And the times that I felt at my lowest is when I feel, like, alone.

我不是想太夸张啊，虽然我们刚认识，但此刻和你说话，我就真能感觉到一种连接，这让我更愿意敞开心扉，多分享一些。

Not to be too melodramatic, like Shankar, we just met, but I can feel a connection right now as we speak, and that's motivating me to open up more and share more.

这种感觉很有意义。

And it it's meaningful.

我们甚至都没有一个合适的词汇来表达这种感觉。

And I I just feel like we don't even have a a great vocabulary for that.

我们从小没被教过这方面的内容，不像数学或拼写那样被重视，社会上也没有一种文化会去关心这种连接感或疏离感，哪怕它和我们的外在健康或成功指标同样重要。

We're not taught that to the same extent we're taught, you know, math or or spelling, and we don't have a a culture that that checks in on that feeling of connection connection or disconnection as as being as important as maybe some of our outward indicators of of health and success.

我真心觉得，那种与自我、与世界相连的内在感受，进而延伸到与他人、与所有生命之间的联结，才是当人们觉得生活偏离轨道时最常缺失的东西。

And I I really think it's this felt sense of connection both to ourselves in the world, but by extension to other other people, to other living beings that that's often missing when people feel like life has gone awry somehow.

诺姆说，解决办法是主动且持续地重新与感官世界建立联系。

The solution, Norm says, is to deliberately and consistently reconnect with the world of the senses.

去感受，去聆听，去观察。

To feel, to hear, to see.

我们越关注自己的身体，就越不容易被困在内心那些过时的思维模式里。

The more attentive we are of our bodies, the less likely are to get trapped inside our internal outdated maps.

诺姆说，他每天早上都会进行一种触觉练习，帮助自己真正陪伴家人，而不是让脑子里的那些模式指挥他该怎么做。

Norm says he has embraced a tactile practice each morning to help him be present with his family instead of letting the models inside his head tell him how to behave.

你知道吗，早上我如果又累又烦躁，就需要某种方式能直接打破那种状态，提醒我：我其实对如何与这个世界相处是有期待的。

You know, in the morning when I am tired and grumpy, I needed something that would just break right through and remind me that I had some intentions about how I wanted to be in the world.

所以我学会把浴室地板冰凉的瓷砖触碰脚底的感觉，和提醒自己可以主动经营人际关系联系在一起。

So what I I learned to do is associate the feeling of cold tiles on my bathroom floor touching my feet with a reminder that I can be intentional about my relationships.

尤其是在我觉得关系僵化的时候，比如总和孩子吵架，陷入同样的模式，我就会在早上摸一摸那些瓷砖，提醒自己：今天是新的一天。

And I've used that especially in times I felt really, like, calcified in my relationships if I'm stuck in in a pattern where I'm getting, you know, into quarrels with my kids, for instance, then I would use touching those tiles in the morning as a way to remember, like, today's a new day.

这是个重新看待事情的机会。

It's a chance to to look at things differently.

你现在能保持开放的心态吗？

Like, can you stay open right now?

我听说最近有个早上，你和孩子们赶时间，你发现自己越来越生气。

I understand that there was a morning recently when you and your kids were running behind schedule, and you felt yourself getting increasingly angry.

这种情况以前也发生过，你脑子里的老想法在说：他们从来都不听我的。

This had happened before, and your mental maps were saying, They never listen to me.

我们总是迟到。

We're always running late.

Norm，当时你心里在想什么？你后来是怎么做的？

Describe what was happening in your mind and what you did at that point, Norm.

是的。

Yeah.

我一向以自己是个积极参与育儿的家长为傲，我希望孩子们能学会守时，看到我能做到准时送他们上学。

So I pride myself on being an engaged parent, and I want my kids to learn about punctuality and have a model that, like, I should be able to get them to school on time.

但我发现，我越催他们快点准备，他们反而越磨蹭、玩闹，还互相吵嘴。

And I would find that, you know, the harder I pushed them to get ready, the more they would kind of flop around and be playful and, you know, bicker with each other.

我简直要崩溃了。

And I would just be losing my mind.

那种愤怒和挫败感不断累积，心里直嘀咕：这么简单的事，你们为什么就不肯做呢？

Like, I would feel like this rage building up, this frustration of like, why won't you do this basic thing for me?

你们连关心我一下都不愿意吗？

Like, don't you even care about me?

可与此同时，我又在生自己的气——我明明在学习正念啊。

And at the same time, I have a like, I'm meta rage about like, but I'm studying mindfulness.

我应该学会接纳这些情绪，让它们自然过去才对。

I'm supposed to be open to these things and just like, let the let the feeling go.

于是我注意到，好吧。

And so I noticed like, okay.

我就只是观察自己的愤怒。

I'm just gonna notice my rage.

结果三秒钟后，我又忍不住喊：快把鞋穿上！

And then, like, three seconds later, it'd be like, get your, like, freaking shoes on.

对吧？

Right?

光是觉察愤怒、接纳生气的感觉，并不能真正解决这个问题。

Like, so just, like, attending to the rage and being open to the feeling of anger actually wasn't just gonna take care of this problem.

我真正需要做的，是更主动地去探索原因。

What I needed to do was actually be more exploratory.

我记得看着孩子们，心想：他们根本不在乎能不能准时到校。

And I remember looking at my kids and being like, they don't care about getting to school on time.

他们只想玩。

They just wanna play.

我当时就想，如果他们只想玩，心里充满温暖和那种久违的快乐，而不是觉得被排斥、被当成妨碍我计划的人，那会是什么感觉？其实我只是想和他们多连在一起。

And I was like, well, what's it like to feel like you wanna play and feeling this kind of warmth and like the sparkle again of, like, instead of rejection of them, like, sort of othering them as, like, people who are who are affording my plans, like, feeling like, well, I wanna I wanna be connected to them.

我也想玩，但咱们也得去上学啊。

I wanna play too, but we also have to get to school.

后来我才明白，其实我只需要带着这种连接感和玩乐的心情，把他们送出门就行。

And then realizing, like, well, then, Willie, what I just need to do is get them out the door, with this kind of feeling of connection and playfulness.

那我该怎么做到呢？

Like, how could I do that?

我想，要是突然冒出个吓人的大怪物，说要来挠他们痒痒，他们肯定飞快冲出门，而且这完全不是那种火冒三丈的老爸模式。

Well, I bet you if, like, a big scary monster showed up and was threatening to tickle them, they would be really motivated to get out the door, but it wouldn't be like angry dad time.

我感受到了愤怒，但同时也感受到了和孩子们之间的联结。

So I felt the anger, but I also felt this connection to my kids.

于是我就学会了在他们磨磨蹭蹭的时候，变身成那个挠痒痒怪物。

And I learned to become this kind of tickle monster when they were kind of messing around getting out the door.

渐渐地，他们也开始说：‘哦，他又变成挠痒痒怪物了。’

And eventually, they started to be like, oh, he's turning to the tickle monster.

快点把鞋穿上，不然要被挠痒痒了。

Get your shoes on really quick cause you're going to get tickles.

这完全是一种不同的解决方式，不是靠更严厉、更多惩罚，或者跟孩子讲责任之类他们根本不在乎、反而会破坏联结的事。

And it was like a totally different way around the problem that wasn't about being stricter or having more consequences or lecturing them about responsibility or other things that little kids just don't care about and are actually connection disrupting.

所以，没错，探索并不是说只要进入感官体验，所有问题就都解决了。

So, yeah, foraging isn't as simple as just like if you get into sensation, all your problems are solved.

它只是开始去探索的第一步。

It's the beginning of starting to explore.

对吧？

Right?

然后你得回想一下：你到底是在探索什么呢？

And then remembering, like, what are you actually exploring for here?

你愿意接受吗？那种建立联结、获得积极感受的方式，可能根本不是你原本以为的样子，但只要你愿意放下固有认知，尝试别的方法，它很可能就在那里。

Like, you willing to be surprised that the way to get this kind of connection, the way to have this feeling of of positivity, it's not it's not the way you expected it to look, but it's probably available if you're willing to to let go of what you know and try other things.

还有另一种方式可以描述诺姆当时的做法。

There's another way of describing what Norm was doing at that moment.

他当时在实践彻底的接纳。

He was practicing radical acceptance.

他意识到，光是训孩子或者对他们发火，根本解决不了问题。

He realized that he wasn't getting anywhere by lecturing his kids or getting angry with them.

这种接纳让他有了空间去尝试新的方法。

And this acceptance gave him the space to try something new.

最近，我们收到一位叫梅格的听众来信，她分享了自己关于彻底接纳的经历。

Recently, we heard from a listener named Meg who shared her own story of radical acceptance.

几年前，梅格发现自己很难维持她和家人一直以来的生活状态。

A few years ago, Meg was struggling to maintain the life she'd built for herself and her family.

我不仅仅是卡住了。

I wasn't just stuck.

我感觉自己快要崩溃了。

I felt like I was melting.

表面上看，我的生活还不错。

On the surface, my life looked good.

我是一名成功的律师，自己开了律所。

I was a successful lawyer with my own firm.

我有两个可爱的孩子，一个丈夫，还养了一大堆宠物。

I had two beautiful kids, a husband, and a menagerie of pets.

但表面之下，压力实在太大了。

But underneath, the pressure was too much.

我九岁的女儿被诊断出患有自闭症和多动症，还有其他一些问题，当时她正处于危机中。

My nine year old daughter had been diagnosed with autism and ADHD, among other diagnoses, and she was in crisis.

后来，我儿子也得到了同样的诊断。

Later, my son would receive the same diagnosis.

更别说，像许多三十到四十多岁的妈妈一样，我在女儿确诊后，也被诊断出患有自闭症和多动症。

What's more, I like so many other moms in their 30s and 40s was diagnosed with autism and ADHD myself following my daughter's diagnosis.

尽管我做了一些生活上的调整，但还是逼着自己达到那种压垮我的职业和生活标准。

Despite making small changes in my life, I was still pushing myself to levels of professional and personal performance that was breaking me.

梅格自己也不知道，还能撑多久。

Meg didn't know how much longer she could cope with the pressure she was under.

她也不知道该怎么让情况好转。

And she didn't know how to make things better.

但最终，她明白必须做出改变了。

Eventually, though, she accepted that something had to give.

我意识到，我们家人的大脑本质上就是不一样的，不可能按照社会的常规期待来生活。

I realized that my family's brains really are fundamentally different and that we cannot function in the way that society may expect.

一旦我接受了自己的生活不会如当初所计划的那样，一切就开始慢慢变好。

Once I accepted that my life was not going to be the way that I planned, everything changed for the better.

现在，我和我的孩子们都过得很好。

My children and I are now all thriving.

他们上了一所专门为双重特殊儿童设立的学校。

They are in a specialized school for twice exceptional learners.

当我们意识到养育非凡的孩子需要非凡的策略时，我和丈夫彻底调整了育儿方式。

My husband and I shifted our parenting when we realized that having extraordinary children requires strategies that are extraordinary.

我关闭了自己的律师事务所，加入了一家全新的律所，那里接纳真实的我，让我能专心做自己热爱的工作。

I closed my law firm and joined another amazing firm that accepts me for who I am and where I can focus on the work I love.

这甚至让我找到了自己人生的意义——利用我的沟通能力，帮助法律系统中的神经多样性家庭获得更好的理解与支持。

It has even led me to what I believe is my purpose in life, using my communication skills to help others better understand and support neurodivergent families in the legal system.

如果没有对我们一家人本质不同的彻底接纳，我们至今仍会深陷危机，也不可能找到如此充实而有意义的生活方式。

Without the radical acceptance that my family and I are fundamentally different, we would still be in crisis and we would not have found our way to live deeply meaningful and fulfilling lives.

当我们经历一连串的危机时，总想着别处会更好，要么工作少一点，要么多一点。

When we experience a series of crises, we long for greener grass, For less work or more work.

想要换一段关系。

For a different relationship.

想要更大的房子，或者更强的支撑。

For a bigger this or a stronger that.

但很多时候，接受现状，才是走向理想生活的第一步。

But often accepting where we are is the first step in getting where we want to go.

下次回来时，听听我们关于挣扎与接纳的提问和故事。

When we come back, listen our questions and stories about struggle and acceptance.

您正在收听《隐藏的思维》。

You are listening to Hidden Brain.

我是 Shankar Vedanta。

I am Shankar Vedanta.

欢迎收听《隐藏的思维》。

This is Hidden Brain.

我是 Shankar Vedanta。

I'm Shankar Vedanta.

当我们想象未来的生活时，通常会问自己：我想去往哪里？

When we imagine our future lives, we typically ask ourselves, Where do I want to go?

这种对未来的憧憬，往往源于对当下现状的不满。

Often that dream of the future involves frustration with the present.

我们会觉得，自己在事业或感情上，不该是现在这个样子。

We feel we're not where we deserve to be in our career or our relationship.

我们觉得自己受了委屈。

We feel wronged.

斯坦福大学的戴夫·埃文斯说，这种愤怒或不公的感觉，会让我们看不清现实。

At Stanford University, Dave Evans says that these feelings of anger or unfairness can block us from seeing reality clearly.

他和比尔·伯内特合著了《如何用设计思维过上有意义的生活：每天解锁目标、喜悦与心流》。

With Bill Burnett, Dave is the author of How to Live a Meaningful Life using DTH Thinking to Unlock Purpose, Joy, and Flow Every Day.

戴夫最近参加了我们两期《隐性思维》节目，主题分别是《设计有意义的人生》和《彻底接纳》。

Dave recently joined us for two Hidden Brain episodes called Designing a Life that Matters and Radical Acceptance.

上周，我们播出了与戴夫对话的听众互动第一部分，聊了如何摆脱困境。

Last week, we heard part one of our listener focused segment with Dave about getting unstuck.

这周他再次回来，回答听众关于‘彻底接纳’这一理念的问题。

This week, he returns to answer listener questions about the idea of radical acceptance.

戴夫·埃文斯，欢迎再次来到《隐性思维》。

Dave Evans, welcome back to Hidden Brain.

谢谢，尚卡尔。

Thank you, Shankar.

很高兴能回来。

Glad to be here.

戴夫，你在成为斯坦福大学的设计思维导师之前，曾从事过技术工作。

Dave, you spent time as a technologist before you became a design thinker at Stanford University.

无论是在科技领域，还是在帮助人们设计生活的过程中，你都强调，在做出任何改变之前，我们需要先深入理解周围的环境。

And both in the world of technology as well as in the world of helping people design their lives, you say that we need to deeply understand what's going on around us before we can change anything.

但要想真正理解现状，第一步就是接受现实本来的样子。

But in order to deeply understand what's happening, step zero is accepting reality for what it is.

请详细讲讲这个观点。

Unpack this idea for me.

其实，斯坦福大学从1963年开始就在教授设计思维了。

Well, we've been teaching design thinking at Stanford since 1963.

其实，最初被称为以人为本的设计（HCD）的方法，就是在那里开始的。

That's where actually originally called human centered design, HCD, was in fact begun.

这个理念已经存在很长时间了。它的步骤包括：首先是同理心，也就是深入理解你正在观察的事物以及你所处的环境；然后是定义问题，因为你对情况了解得足够透彻，所以能挑出一个真正值得解决的好问题；接着是产生想法，然后把这些想法做成原型；最后，在推向世界之前，先测试一下你的成果，然后就可以放手去做了。

It's been around a long time and the steps are empathy, deeply understand what you're looking at and what you're in the midst of, Then define what problem you're gonna actually solve because you understand the situation well enough to pick a good problem.

先有想法，再把想法做成原型，最后在推向世界之前测试你的成果，然后就可以放手去做了。

Then have ideas, then prototype those ideas, then finally test your result before you let it out into the world and off you go.

所以，这就是这几个步骤。

So those are the steps.

我们发现，同理心、首先深刻理解现状固然重要，但你得自愿进入这个过程。

And we noticed that empathy, deeply understand the situation first and foremost is great, but you have to enter that process willingly.

所以第一步是承认现实就是它当下的样子。

So step zero is accepting the reality is in fact the way it currently is.

我必须先有这份接纳，才能真正去看清我的生活——比如我家里的状况，或者这家公司的情况，还有我未来的儿媳所在的公司，几周前因为人工智能裁掉了40%的员工。

I have to have that acceptance in hand so that when I'm looking at my reality, trying to understand what's going on in my family or what's going on in this company or my soon to be daughter-in-law was in a company that had a 40% layoff a couple of weeks ago because of AI.

我的意思是，我能不能接受这些现实？

Like, okay, do I accept those realities?

只有愿意正视事物本来的样子，我才能更客观，更深入地看清局面，而这种深入的洞察，才是真正让我有能力设计出最佳方案的关键。

Am I willing to see things as they are that enables me to actually be more objective, see more deeply into the situation, and that seeing deeply into the situation is what's gonna free me to empower me to design the best possible thing.

所以，接纳是一切的前提。

So acceptance precedes everything.

说说为什么这种彻底的接纳这么难做到。

Talk about why this radical acceptance is so difficult to achieve.

是什么样的内心活动、想法或情绪在阻碍我们接受自己真实所处的位置？

What are the internal processes, the thoughts, the emotions that get in the way of us being able to accept where we actually are?

这是个很大也很复杂的问题，我简单说一下，根本原因就在于太执着于目标了。

That's a big and complex question, and let me oversimplify and say it's it's really all about being too goal oriented.

我们总期待某种特定的结果。

We long for a certain outcome.

我们有个目标。

We have a goal.

心里想着一件事，然后拼命想去实现它。

We have something in mind, and we're trying to pursue it.

我们还制定了详细的计划，觉得只要照着做就能达成目标。

We have a plan for how we're going to accomplish pursuing that goal.

为了让计划顺利，现实就得按我们的设想走。

In order for that plan to work, reality is supposed to comply.

可现实偏偏不按套路出牌，我们只好调整。

Then reality goes off script and we have to change.

有时候甚至得重新考虑目标本身，因为原来的想法根本行不通。

Maybe we even have to change what our objective is going to be because that's not gonna work out as originally intended.

我们总觉得这太让人失望了。

And we feel like it's so disappointing.

我们甚至会觉得，放弃目标或者换种角度看问题，简直就是不道德。

We may even feel that it's immoral to let go of our goal or to see things a different way.

我可是认真的。

Like, I'm committed.

我对自己发过誓，一定要做到。

I promised myself I was going to do this.

我绝不会放弃。

I'm not gonna give up.

于是，我们死死抓住那个实现目标所必需的现实版本，觉得自己被亏待了。

And so somehow we get so stuck on the version of reality that was required for us to get where we're trying to go that we feel we have been wronged.

你在开场时提到，人们觉得自己受到了不公对待。

In your introduction, said people feel wronged.

所以，接受现实很难，因为我们以为自己是在放弃，甚至是在道德上退缩，但其实并不是。

So acceptance can be hard because we feel like we're giving up, maybe even immorally giving up, and we're not.

我们只是在调整。

We're just adapting.

我们收到了几位听众的来信，他们很难接受自己生活的现实。

We heard from several listeners who struggle to embrace the reality of their own lives.

听众费尔南达来自巴西，是一名电影导演和演员。

Listener Fernanda is from Brazil, and she works as a filmmaker and an actress.

她的梦想是赢得一座奥斯卡奖。

And her dream was to win an Academy Award.

她为实现这个梦想倾注了所有。

She put everything into achieving that dream.

我把一切都放下了。

I put everything aside.

我祖父去世的时候，我都没能回去参加葬礼。

My family, like, my grandfather died, and I couldn't come to the funeral.

我侄子都长大了，现在二十岁了，却几乎不认识我。

Like, my nephew grew up and is now 20 years old, and he barely knows me.

所以我把整个人生都押在了赢得这座奥斯卡奖上，就为了这么一个目标。

And so I put aside my life for this one goal of winning this Oscar, right, one day.

那就是我活着的意义，对吧？

That was the meaning of my life, right?

结果一切突然崩塌了——我身体垮了，陷入重度抑郁，整个行业也在瓦解，根本没戏可拍，谁都没法做事。

And so when it all crumbled because my health gave out and I got into a deep depression and the industry is crumbling and so there's no work, nobody can do anything.

我不是唯一一个垮掉的人，但我总觉得自己的错更大，因为我现在已经44岁了，没有家人，没有孩子，财务上也一无所有。

I'm not the only one crumbling, but I feel like my fault was higher because I am 44 now and I have no family, no kids, nothing to show for really financially.

我灰头土脸地回到巴西的家乡，心里直问：我这一路到底图了个啥？

And I come back to my hometown in Brazil with my tail between my legs and I'm like, what the was all of that for?

这跟那位作者说的完全吻合，我特别喜欢这个播客，现在我想过一种彻底接纳的生活，重新设计人生——换座城市，换个国度，接触不同的文化，重新学习怎么活着。

And this is very much in line with this what this author was saying, and I loved the podcast, and I want to live a radical acceptance life with this idea of designing a new life now where I'm in a different city, in a different country, different culture, and having to relearn how to live, really.

我真的很心疼费尔南达，戴夫。

I really feel for Fernanda, Dave.

你从她的故事里听出了什么？你有什么建议给她吗？

What do you hear in her story, do you have any advice for

我或许能提一些建议。

I might have some suggestions, advice.

我其实不太愿意给人建议。

I'm I'm very loath to give advice.

不过，我有几点想法。

But here are some thoughts.

她清楚自己当初做了什么选择。

She knows which choice she made.

她做了一个非常大胆的决定。

She made a radical choice.

她做出了极其牺牲的承诺。

She made an incredibly sacrificial commitment.

所以，她是明知风险巨大，还是选择了这条路。

So she knowingly took a massive risk.

当一切没有如愿时，最难面对的是——回头一看，我当初心甘情愿付出的代价，实在太高了。

And then when it didn't work out, what was hard to assess is, boy, now looking back on the price I paid, I willingly paid, looks awfully tall.

所以，如果她架子上真摆着一座奥斯卡奖杯，她可能会觉得当初付出的代价没那么沉重。

So she would feel better about that price if in fact she had an Academy Award sitting on her shelf.

如果我和她聊天，我会说：是时候重新想想你的故事了。

And so if I were talking with her, kind of say, it's time to think about your story.

生活本质上是我们讲给自己听的故事。

Life is indeed a story we tell ourselves.

要谨慎选择你的故事，也许现在正是该修改它的时机。

Pick your story carefully, including it might be a time to edit that story.

她的故事是：只要拿到那个奖，我的人生就有价值。

So her story was my life is worthwhile as soon as I get that award.

因为那个奖能证明我是个出色的演员。

Because that award will validate that I've become a terrific actress.

这确实是一种很棒的肯定方式，但这就是衡量演技好坏的唯一标准吗？

Well, that's a great validation form, but is it the exclusive definition of good acting?

所以，也许该重新思考一下这个问题了。

So it might be time to rewrite the question.

明白了。

Okay.

有效果了。

It worked.

我一直在这个行业坚持到了最后。

I stayed in the business as long as I could.

我把自己能练到的水平都做到了。

I got as good as I possibly could.

我尽力了，没留下遗憾。

I didn't fail trying my hardest.

虽然没拿到那个奖，但我成了自己能成为的演员。

It didn't generate that award, but I became the actress I could be.

现在，我可以决定生活是想让我去尝试别的事情了。

And now I get to decide life has invited me to go do something else.

现在该说清楚了，我不是在捡拾自己生活的碎片。

And now it's time to say, okay, it's not picking up the pieces of my life.

就是坦然接受我生活的现实。

It's just accepting the facts of my life.

我现在能和我侄子建立什么样的关系呢？

What relationship with my nephew could I start now?

如果没有家庭的亲密感，我还能做些什么？

What other things could I do if I don't have the intimacy of a family?

现在我能开始设计哪些其他形式的亲密关系呢？

What are other forms of intimacy that I can start designing now?

顺便说一句，自己选择的家人往往比血缘家人更亲密。

Chosen families, by the way, often become more intimate than given families.

我既有血缘家人，也有自己选择的家人，我冰箱上贴的画，两个选中的孙女给我的，比另外九个亲孙子孙女加起来还多。

I've got both chosen and given family and I have more refrigerator art on my refrigerator from my two chosen granddaughters than my nine other real grandkids combined.

所以她面前有几种选择，而接受，是这一切的起点。

So she's got some choices in front of her, and acceptance is where it starts.

这是另一位听众的故事，他正为难以接受现实而困扰。

Here's another story from a listener who's having trouble with acceptance.

纳特是个四十多岁的跨性别男性，人生总体来说过得很不错。

Nat is a trans man in his mid-40s and has had a good life for the most part.

纳特在留言里说，我有自己的房子，有一份特别喜欢的工作。

In a note, Nat says, I own my home, have a job I love.

我有很棒的朋友和家人，身边所有人都完全接纳我，还有一只超棒的狗。

I have great friends and family and full acceptance from everyone in my life, an amazing dog.

我现在是单身，但过去也拥有过充满爱的关系，目前我正在努力改善健康，感觉比以往任何时候都好。

I'm currently single, but I've had loving relationships, and I'm currently working to improve my health and feel better than I have in a long time.

可我还是很难接受自己并非生来就是男性，而且我永远都只能是个‘有点不一样’的男人。

Yet, I still have a hard time accepting the fact that I was not born male and that I'll always be kind of a man.

我为没能以男性身份度过青春岁月而感到惋惜。

I mourn not being able to experience life as a male in my youth.

尽管我知道自己拥有不错的人生，却始终难以真正接纳它，也因此无法完全享受生活，感受真正的快乐。

And even though I know I have a good life, I feel stuck accepting it and therefore can't fully enjoy life and feel truly happy.

所以戴夫，我能体会到纳特的痛苦。

So Dave, I can feel Nat's pain.

我们完全理解纳特的经历和那份失落感，但你能谈谈后悔和反复思虑是如何阻碍我们接纳现状的吗？

Without taking anything away from Nat's story and feelings of loss, can you talk about how feelings of regret and rumination can get in the way of accepting where we are?

我真的很理解纳特的处境。

Well, I really appreciate Nat's situation.

这时候，区分‘接受’和‘认同’就特别关键。

This is where the distinction between acceptance and endorsement is crucial.

我们并不是说，你没生来就是你真正认同的性别，这件事是好的。

We're not saying that it was a good thing that you weren't born who you really are.

我们只是说，这是事实。

We're saying it's true.

如果我彻底地、彻底地接受它，因为这完全超出了我的掌控，那我能做的，就只剩下尽力把眼前的局面过到最好。

And if I fully and radically accept it because it's completely out of my control, then making the best not of a bad situation, making the best of the situation is all that is available.

这几乎引出了一个存在主义的问题。

So here's almost an interesting existential question.

纳特，你真的愿意认定，只有当现实是假的，你才能获得真正的幸福吗？

Nat, do you really want to decide that in order for you to be happy, to be fully happy, reality has to be false.

事实上，你从一开始就是错的，宇宙打从一开始就决定了你无法做真正的自己。

That in fact, you were wrong from the start and the universe decided from the get go that you can't be fully yourself.

这是一个非常重要的决定。

That's an important decision to make.

如果我接受自己生来是这样，而内心认同却是另一回事，那么我的任务就是尽可能拉近这两者之间的距离。

So if I accept I was born one way and my identity was other, and now my task is to bring those two as close to each other as I possibly can.

他正出色地扮演着那只小飞虫的角色。

He's doing a terrific job of being the gnat who is.

一位听众跟我们讲过，他曾面对过一种更深层的挑战。

One listener told us a story about a time when he confronted something of a meta challenge.

他对自己目前的生活状态感到很沮丧。

He was feeling badly about where his life was at.

更糟的是，他还在为自己的这种沮丧情绪感到自责。

And to make matters worse, he was feeling badly about feeling badly.

下面是听众乔科的故事。

Here is listener Jocko.

1978年夏天，我妻子离开了我，跟别人在一起了，那时候我整个人都卡住了，怎么都走不出来。

I was really stuck and spinning my wheels in the summer of nineteen seventy eight after my spouse left me for someone else.

后来我决定开车横跨美国，去探望一个朋友。

And I found myself driving across country to visit a friend.

说来话短，有一次我连夜开车，当太阳从科罗拉多东部升起，我望着窗外的田野。

Long story short, I drove through the night one time and as the sun was rising in Eastern Colorado and I was looking out over the fields.

那景象美得让人心颤。

It was beautiful setting.

那一刻我敞开心扉，突然明白了一个道理：挣扎本身就已经够了，根本不需要再跟挣扎对抗。

I was open and opened to an insight about struggle in general and how one need not fight the struggle.

挣扎就是挣扎，不必再额外去跟它较劲。

The struggle is enough without having to fight the struggle itself.

这话听起来有点抽象，但每当我感到被困住时，它就帮了我大忙——告诉自己，算了，就陪着这份挣扎吧，让它存在。

A bit abstract perhaps, but it has helped me when I felt stuck to realize, okay, let's just be with the struggle and let the struggle exist.

其实，生活本来就是这样。

And in reality, that's what it is.

这就是挣扎本身。

It's the struggle.

但我没必要抗拒它是一场挣扎这个事实。

But I needn't fight the fact that it's a struggle.

所以戴夫，我得说，我特别喜欢这句话：‘挣扎本身就足够了，不必再去对抗它。’

So Dave, I have to say I'm in love with the phrase the struggle is enough without having to fight the struggle.

你觉得乔科的这个领悟怎么样？

What do you think of Jocko's insight?

他说得完全对。

Well, he's exactly right.

这个道理，虽然表达方式不同，但在我经历失去妻子的悲痛过程中，可能是最重要的一课。

And and that lesson slightly different phrased in my own experience was probably the single biggest lesson coming out of my processing the grief of losing my wife.

我觉得乔科领悟到了一个极其深刻的道理。

So I think Jocko has learned a profoundly important lesson.

他注意到的是：她离开了我。

And what he noticed was, oh, she left me.

然后我就想，天哪。

And then there's, oh, no.

她离开了我。

She left me.

挣扎本身就已经足够了。

The struggle is enough.

最初的痛苦已经足够了。

The primary pain is enough.

对痛苦的抗拒，其实是可以选择的。

The reaction against having the pain is elective.

所以我们强烈建议，这其实又回到了接纳——别去抵触痛苦，就让它存在，然后慢慢消化它。

So our strong recommendation, this goes back to acceptance, is, look, just let the pain be the pain and then work that through.

顺便说一句，我亲身经历过这件事，那是在我妻子接受癌症治疗时，我们突然想到的一句话。

My own experience of that, by the way, is there's a very important line that occurred to us when my wife was going through cancer.

她等着做检查。

She waited for a procedure.

他们准备做那种放射性造影检查，护士说：‘注射造影剂的时候，你可能会感觉有点暖暖的。’

They were going do this radio opaque imaging thing, and the nurse says, Oh, and you might feel a little warmth when we inject the dye.

那时候，克劳迪娅已经受够了她所谓的医疗委婉语。

And Claudia was very tired of what she called medical euphemism at that point.

她回嘴说：‘暖暖的？就像把一罐煤油倒进我喉咙，然后点着火那种暖法吗？’

She goes, Oh, a little warmth like where you take a can of cariesene, pour it down my throat and light it on fire.

你们说的就是这个意思？

Is that what you mean?

护士说：‘哦，你以前做过这个检查？’

And the nurse goes, Oh, you've had the procedure before.

她说：‘是的，做过。’

She goes, Yes, I have.

我真的受够这些委婉说法了。

I'm tired of these euphemisms.

于是护士立刻板起脸来。

So the nurse goes all hard ass on her.

她就说：哦，好吧。

And she goes, Oh, okay.

你明白了吧。

So you get it.

是这么回事。

Here's the deal.

其实就是疼。

It's just pain.

明白吗？

Okay?

让它流过去，一会儿就完了。

Let it rinse through you and it's over.

要是抗拒，反而更疼，还拖得更久。

Or you can resist it and it hurts worse and it'll last longer.

你自己选。

It's up to you.

不管怎样，我拿的工资都一样。

I get paid the same either way.

哇哦。

Woah.

这话说得可真够直接的。

Talk about harsh.

结果发现，这是我们听过最有启发性的一句话。

Turns out it was one of the most life giving things we ever heard.

所以那句话——只是疼痛。

So that line, It's just pain.

让它从你身上流过，成了我生活中的座右铭。

Let it rinse through you, became a mantra in my life.

这正是Jocko想表达的意思。

That's exactly what Jocko was saying.

被你深爱的人离开，真的特别痛。

Oh, it's really painful to be left by somebody you're loved with.

让痛苦从你身上流过。

Let it rinse through you.

让你想起日出的那个人，并没有消失，他依然在这里。

That you that the sunrise reminded you is not gone is still here.

当痛苦流经你之后，你依然在这里。

And after that pain rinses through you, you're still here.

现在，让我们继续生活下去。

And now let's go on with life.

我发现，当我只是让痛苦成为痛苦，不去抗拒它，而是接纳它时，它反而更快地从我身上过去了。

So I found when I just let the pain be the pain and I didn't get into reacting against it, I received it, it would go through me quicker.

它离开时，让我更干净清爽。

It would leave me cleaner.

偶尔如果真有值得学习的教训，我也能真正吸收，而不是一味懊恼。

And on the rare occasion there was a lesson, I could actually learn it rather than be upset.

所以，乔科在做一件很难的事，但做得很好。

So Jocko is doing a great job of a hard thing.

当我们回来时，如果你非常渴望一段感情，却还是单身，你该接受吗？

When we come back, should you accept being single when you badly want to be in a relationship?

你正在收听《隐藏的思维》。

You're listening to Hidden Brain.

我是 Shankar Vedanta。

I'm Shankar Vedanta.

这是《隐藏的思维》。

This is Hidden Brain.

我是 Shankar Vedanta。

I'm Shankar Vedanta.

你正打算做出重大的人生改变吗？

Hoping to make a big life change?

首先问问自己：我是否已经完全接纳了当下的自己？

First ask yourself, have I fully accepted where I am right now?

在斯坦福大学，戴夫·埃文斯认为，清晰地认清现实，是做出改变的关键第一步。

At Stanford University, Dave Evans argues that seeing reality clearly is a crucial first step to making change.

但真正看清现实，彻底接受它，是非常困难的。

But seeing reality for what it is, radical acceptance, is very difficult.

戴夫，说说想为自己规划更好的生活是一回事，可我们每天都要面对现实，还要顾及与他人的关系。

Dave, it's one thing to say that we want to plan a better life for ourselves, but we're engaging every day with the world around us, and we have relationships with other people to consider.

听众凯蒂分享了一段话，正好点出了这个现实。

Listener Katie shared a comment that gets at this reality.

她事业很成功。

She enjoys a successful career.

她有三个很棒的孩子。

She has three wonderful children.

但总觉得还缺了点什么。

But something still feels like it's missing.

我离婚快十年了。

I have been divorced close to ten years.

我从来没想过自己现在还会是单身，可事实就是这样。

And I did not think I would still be single now, but I am.

要接受这一点真的很难。

And it's really hard to accept that.

我觉得你们都没提到这个词，但我现在想用一下：拥抱。

And I think the word that you all didn't use, but I'm going to try to use is embrace.

别总这么消极，想着我永远找不到人了。

And instead of being so negative and saying, I'll never find someone.

我永远遇不到对的人了。

I'll never meet someone.

我会一辈子单身了。

I will be single forever.

我不该用这种消极的态度，而该去拥抱现实，接受我现在确实是单身这个事实。

With a negative tone, I need to embrace the reality and accept it that I'm single right now.

我以前谈过恋爱。

I've had relationships.

但都没能走到最后。

None of them were the right one.

我需要真正地学会彻底接受这一部分

And I just need to really work on radical acceptance of this part

的

of

我的生活。

my life.

它可能会变，也可能不会。

It may or may not change.

我不确定。

I don't know.

我想更好地接纳它，继续以工作为使命，以家庭为快乐，还有我的狗、朋友，以及生活中所有其他美好的事物。

And I want to embrace it better and keep living with my work as my mission and my family as my joy and my dog and my friends and all the things I have going on in my life.

所以，戴夫，浪漫关系是这样一个领域：彻底接受既至关重要，又极其困难，因为我们的愿望和偏好，并不能单独决定我们是否能建立关系，或者关系会如何发展。

So, Dave, romantic relationships are one domain where it seems radical acceptance can be both very important and also very difficult, our wants and preferences are not the only things that determine whether we're in a relationship or how that relationship goes.

你觉得凯蒂的故事怎么样？

What do you think of Katie's story?

我经常听到这种事，而我自己也正处在类似的情况中——说实话，我们录这段话的时候，我再过九周就要第三次结婚了。

Well, I hear it often, and I'm kind of living close into it because truth be told, as we are recording this, I am nine weeks from getting married for the third time.

我要娶的这位女士，三十多年没结过婚，二十多年没谈过恋爱了。

And the person I'm about to marry, by the way, hasn't been married in over thirty years, hasn't been in a relationship in over twenty.

所以她和我认识的很多女性、很多男性，都经历过和凯蒂一样的处境。

So she and many women and many men I know have gone through what Katie's going through.

那我对凯蒂的情况怎么看呢？

So what do I think about Katie's situation?

我觉得这真的非常艰难。

I think it's extremely difficult.

特别痛苦，很多人都在经历这样的事。

It's incredibly painful and a lot of people are there.

那我对她处理方式的看法呢？

And what do I think about how she's doing it?

我觉得她做得特别出色。

I think she's doing it brilliantly.

如果你听她说话，她都快哭了，因为她真的很渴望有人陪伴。

If you just listen to her on the verge of tears because she really longs to be with somebody.

我完全理解。

And I get that.

当我经历丧偶的时候，那个词‘鳏夫’对我来说毫无意义。

When I was going through being widowed, you know, the term widower didn't make any sense to me.

那不是我。

That's not who I am.

那我到底是谁？

Who am I?

哦，我是个被截断的丈夫。

Oh, I'm an amputated husband.

我这一生一直都是个‘我们’。

I've been a we all my life.

所以我的身份完全建立在一段关系之上。

So my identity is entirely rooted in a relationship.

所以我只是被拆散的一半。

And so I'm just a broken half of a pair.

我都感觉不到自己是个完整的人了。

I don't even feel like an individual person.

我就像是被拆散的一半。

I just feel like a broken half of a pair.

就像一辆自行车只剩下一个轮子。

You know, like one bicycle wheel.

我能理解她说的是什么。

So I get what she's talking about.

至于她建议的那些，接受现实听起来挺美好的。

Now in terms of what she's doing, embrace reality is a lovely idea.

至少先允许自己面对现实吧。

At least allow reality.

当我从接受开始的时候，那并不是那么简单的事。

When I go from acceptance, it's not something, okay.

我们说极端接纳，其实是完全投入当下，接受现实。

The reason we talk about radical acceptance is like fully lean into okay.

不只是被动接受，而是真正敞开心扉去面对。

Not merely accepting it, but being available.

接纳加上开放的态度，当你主动去观察真实存在的一切——什么是真的、什么是可能的、什么能带来生机，这种体验和一味盯着缺失的东西，完全是两回事。

So acceptance plus availability is, and what does reality have for me here if I lean forward looking at what is true, what is available, what is possible, and ask what might be a life giving in that which is there is an entirely different experience than leaning into that which is missing.

她把所有精力都放在那个空着的椅子上，想着那个不在身边的人，对吧。

She's spending all her energy looking at the empty chair of the partner who's not here Mhmm.

这和关注身边实际陪伴着你的人，完全是两码事。

Is entirely different than looking at the people that she's with.

我们之前刚聊的时候就提过这个，戴夫，但极端接纳和消极顺从之间，界限其实很微妙。

So we discussed this when we had our initial conversations, Dave, but there is a potentially thin line between radical acceptance and being passive.

比如说，你觉得自己生活有问题，或者觉得世界哪里不对劲。

So let's say you feel like something's wrong with your life, or let's say you think something's wrong with the world.

那极端接纳和简单地说‘算了，就这样吧’，到底有什么区别？

What's the difference between radical acceptance and just simply saying, okay, it's the way it is.

什么都做不了。

Nothing can be done.

我不需要做任何事。

I don't have to do anything.

积极接纳和消极被动之间有什么区别？

What's the difference between radical acceptance and being passive?

我们该怎么分辨这两者，并据此行动，以保持自己的主动性？

And how can we tell the difference and and act on the difference so that we retain our sense of agency?

啊，明白了。

Ah, okay.

就是你说的那样，事情本来就是这样的。

So those that that last you know, that's the way things are.

什么也改变不了。

There's nothing can be done.

我不必做任何事。

I don't need to do anything.

这三句话意思完全不同，放在一起不合适。

Those are three very different sentences and they don't go together.

事情本来就是这样。

That's the way things are.

明白了。

Okay.

既然事情本来就是这样，那还能做点什么？

Now that that's the way things are, what can be done?

从‘事情本来就是这样’直接跳到‘什么都做不了’，这是一个重大的决定，而且我觉得是错的。

Going from that's the way things are to nothing can be done is a huge decision and I think a mistake.

错就错在，我们从‘事情本来就是这样’直接推到‘什么都做不了’，因为我们还没调整自己真正想要什么。

The mistake is we go from that's the way things are to nothing can be done because we haven't changed our mind about what we want.

如果根本没办法强迫任何人走进凯蒂的生活，成为她的伴侣，那我也改变不了自己对亲密关系的渴望。

If nothing can be done to force somebody to show up in Katie's life and become her partner, then nothing can be done about my relational longing.

所以，长远的亲密关系在这儿看来短期内是没戏了。

So it doesn't look like long term relationships are happening anytime soon here.

事实就是如此。

That's what's true.

那现在能做些什么呢？

Oh, now what can be done?

我该怎么更好地投入我的友情中？

How can I live more fully into my platonic friendships?

我愿意做个随意约会的人吗？

Do I want to be a casual dater?

这值得我花时间吗？

Is that worth my time or not?

接纳这个现实，其实是鼓励我不要变得消极。

It invites me through acceptance to not become passive.

如果接纳只是让你变得消极，那说明你根本没改变过自己的想法。

Passivity as the outcome of acceptance means you've not changed your mind about anything.

真正的接纳，是让你摆脱‘不可能’的束缚，重新思考‘可能’是什么，然后朝那个方向走。

What acceptance is supposed to do is to free you to change your mind about what can be, not get stuck on what can't be and then move into that.

接纳之所以有帮助，是因为你不再把时间浪费在不需要你关注的事情上了。

The reason acceptance helps is you're no longer wasting your time on something that needn't require your attention.

这样你就能把精力放在真正值得投入的事情上。

So you can do that which deserves your attention.

有些听众提醒我们，戴夫，我们的朋友和家人其实能帮我们接纳当下的状态。

So some listeners pointed out, Dave, that our friends and family can help us to accept where we're at.

听众伊莉丝就分享了一个相关的经历。

Listener Elise had a story to share on that front.

我当初创业开公司，成了个工作狂。

I was an entrepreneur building a company and became a workaholic.

后来是公司里两位核心员工和我丈夫一起介入，才让我意识到得改变。

And it took an intervention with two of my top people at my firm, along with my husband, to get me to change.

有一晚，我丈夫把我叫到厨房桌边，认真地说：‘我们都不认识你了，再这样下去必须改。’

And it was a rather poignant moment when my husband sat me down at the kitchen table one evening and said, we don't know who you are anymore, but something's got to change.

我记得当时看着他，说：‘我知道得改，但我真不知道该怎么改。’

And I remember looking at him and saying, well, I know we need to change, but I don't know how.

这真的开启了一段全新的旅程。

And that began a journey, literally.

我学会了骑摩托车。

I learned to ride a motorcycle.

我跟每个人都说，学骑摩托车让我重新找到了生活中旅途的乐趣。只有当我不再只为工作而活，学会享受沿途的风景，重新成为一个完整的人之后，一切才开始变得更好。

And I tell everybody that learning to ride a motorcycle helped me rediscover the joy in the journey of life and only after I became a whole person again by no longer living just for work, but learning to enjoy the ride, everything seemed to change for the better.

我的婚姻、家人、家庭生活、朋友，还有工作，都发生了变化。令人意外的是，公司之后一路蓬勃发展，最后我把它卖给了一个国际控股公司。

My marriage, my family, my home life, my friends, and my work, which surprisingly, the firm after that grew and grew to an exponential level, and I ended up selling the company to an international holding company.

所以一切最终都很好，但我相信，如果没有那些深爱我的人把我从困境中拉出来，这一切根本不会改变。

So it all turned out really well, but I don't think it ever would have changed if I had never gotten unstuck by those who really, really loved me.

你觉得呢，戴夫？

What do you think, Dave?

我们身边最亲近的人，能帮我们接受现实，促成改变吗？

Can the people who are closest to us help us accept reality and help us change?

当然可以。

Oh, yes.

这种事其实经常发生。

And it happens all the time.

Elise真幸运，有家人，听起来还有同事，愿意用温柔的方式告诉她真相。

And Elise is blessed to have a family and even colleagues, it sounds like, who are willing to tell her the hard truth in a loving way.

我既经历过别人对我这样的干预，也对别人做过这样的事。

I have been involved in both receiving and executing interventions of this nature.

我既被这样干预过，也主动这样干预过别人。

I've had them done to me and I've done them to others.

但每次做这种干预时——比如她丈夫和同事——你根本不知道结果会怎样。

And anytime you go through that, by the way, those giving the intervention, in this case her husband and her colleagues, you never know what you're going to get.

没有谁能保证干预一定有效，也就是说，你未必能足够强烈地触动对方，让他真正改变。

There's no guarantee that the intervention will quote work, meaning you're going to get their attention strongly enough to cause a change to occur.

幸运的是，Elise足够明智，听进了这些话，并且采取了行动。

In Elisa's case, fortunately, she was wise enough to actually hear the message and do something.

她承认：我真的不知道该怎么解决这个问题。

She admitted, I have no idea how to fix this.

因为你成为工作狂，就是因为整天做同一件事，完全占满了你的全部心思，根本没空想别的。

Because of course the reason you become a workaholic is you're doing one thing all the time and it completely occupies all your attention, so you don't have another idea.

亲人会不会成为人生关键转折点的促成者呢？

Can loved ones be the author of critically valuable inflection points?

当然会。

Absolutely.

这种事经常发生。

Happens all the time.

如果你关心的人需要一个转折点，你或许该鼓起勇气去帮他们一把。

So if you love somebody who needs an inflection point, you might wanna think about having the courage to do it.

怎么去做，很重要。

Doing it well matters.

不过，搞砸这种事其实很容易。

By the way, it's really easy to blow one of these.

但要是做对了，它真的能让人重获新生。

But done well, they can be life giving.