保守秘密

我穿着一件香蕉共和国的黑色西装，有趣的是，事后我才意识到我身上还留着原来的缝线和后摆的双开衩。

I'm in my, like, Banana Republic black suit, which fun fact, after the fact, I realized I still had the stitching and the double vent in the back.

我拆掉了那条缝线。

The stitch I had unstitched it.

真是个新手。

So rookie.

还挺可爱的。

So endearing.

在这个新手学术求职市场上，做法是租下一家大酒店，各个招聘的大学分别租用不同的套房。

So in this this rookie academic job market, what you do is there's a is that a big hotel and all the different universities that are recruiting?

他们租下了不同的套房。

They rent out different suites.

每到整点，就会有一群新手求职者在各个房间之间穿梭，推销自己。

And so every hour on the hour, there's this jamboree of rookie candidates moving from room to room to pitch themselves.

于是我发现自己站在了电梯里。

So I found myself in the elevator.

我走进电梯，发现里面有一位明显的求职者。

I get into the elevator, and there's one clearly a job candidate in there.

电梯门关上了。

The elevator doors close.

所以我们实际上被困在一个钢制密室里。

So we're literally in a steel vault.

我放松了警惕。

And I say I let my guard down.

我只是说：哦，我太累了。

I just say, oh, I'm so exhausted.

我全身都透着疲惫。

My whole body just was like exuded exhaustion.

那么那位同行的求职者做了什么？

And then what did the the fellow job candidate do?

他立刻挺直身子，说：哦，这真是一个绝佳的机会，能让资深教授对我的研究提出意见。

He straightened right up and he said, oh, this is such an exciting and fun opportunity to get senior faculty to weigh in on all of my research.

这太惊人了。

It's so amazing.

然后我整个人都朝他翻了个白眼。

And then I, like, gave him the stink eye with my whole body.

我心里就想：真的吗？

I just was like in my mind, what I thought is like, really?

我们明明就在一个钢制密室里，你却不能，我们难道不能真实一点，分享一下彼此的感受，让双方都轻松一点吗？

We're literally in a steel vault, and you can't you we can't just be real, like, have a a real moment of kind of shared feeling that would make us both feel more relaxed.

有趣的是，这种互惠失败的刺痛感会持续存在，因为我们经常在学术会议上见面。

And, you know, it's interesting, this idea that a reciprocity the sting of a reciprocity failure lingers because we see each other regularly at conferences.

嗯。

Mhmm.

他非常有成就。

He's very accomplished.

我相信他是个非常好的人。

And I'm sure he's a really nice guy.

但我从未有过想去主动找他聊天的冲动。

But I've never felt the urge to, like, go chat him up.

我觉得我可以把这归因于这一点。

And I think I think I would attribute it to that.

换句话说，你实际上是主动示好了。

In other words, you basically, you know, you put yourself out there.

他拒绝了。

He he declined.

你所强调的不仅仅是那三十秒的电梯里没有交流，某种程度上，这件事产生了后续影响。

And the point that you're making is not just that you didn't have an exchange in that elevator for thirty seconds, but in some ways, it's had ramifications.

影响。

Ramifications.

你知道，这件事多年来一直回响着，以至于你实际上从未试图去建立联系。

You know, it it's it's echoed, if you will, down the years where you actually haven't tried to make a connection with it.

没错。

Exactly.

所以想象一下，如果我们走另一条路，假设他回应了，说：‘我知道。’

And so imagine if we play the other route of imagine if he had reciprocated and been like, I know.

我刚刚经历了一场疯狂的面试。

I just had this crazy interview.

你能相信吗？

Can you believe it?

那个人说了什么什么的。

This person said that or blah blah blah.

就像那样一个瞬间。

Like a moment, a moment like that.

想象一下，我们本可以成为一生的朋友。

Imagine we could have been lifelong friends.

我认为，我们很多人都陷入了这种自我隐藏，而它是有代价的，莱斯利。

So many of us, I think, into it that self concealment has costs, Leslie.

而且我认为，我们很多人都意识到这些代价是什么。

And many of us, I think, into it what those costs are.

但我们隐藏的原因之一是，我们认为只有自己才拥有羞耻的秘密。

But one reason we hide is that we believe that we alone harbor shameful secrets.

谈谈这个观点：当我们谈论自己保守的秘密时，我们总觉得只有自己才持有这些秘密。

Talk about this idea that when it comes to the things that we hold secret, we somehow imagine that we are the only ones holding those secrets.

是的。

Yeah.

所以我认为，一个主要原因是秘密是看不见的。

So I think a big reason is that secrets are not visible.

我们看不到别人所保守的所有秘密。

We don't see all of the secrets that people are holding.

这让我们觉得自己是唯一保守秘密的人，从而使这些秘密变得更加隐秘。

It makes us feel like we're the only ones that hold secrets, which makes them even more kinda clandestine.

对吧？

Right?

而且它们对我们造成的负担也更大。

And and and they take an even bigger toll on us.

这很有趣。

It's interesting.

哥伦比亚大学的迈克尔·斯拉皮恩和马利亚·梅森做了一些非常出色的工作，设计了一份问卷，以了解人们常见的秘密有哪些。

Michael Slapien over at Columbia has done and Malia Mason, they've done some really great work on a questionnaire to find out what people's common secrets are.

结果发现，人们常常隐瞒很多事情。

And it turns out that there are lots of things that people tend to keep secret.

这是一件非常正常的事。

It's a very normal thing.

我在想，社交媒体在某种程度上是否加剧了这种情况，因为我们不仅听不到别人的秘密，还不断看到他人生活总是光鲜亮丽、充满激情，人们在高档餐厅里玩得非常开心。

I'm wondering if social media in some ways compounds this because now we not only don't hear people's secrets, but we're constantly being presented this view of other people's lives that's always glamorous and excited and people having a great time at fancy restaurants.

于是我们觉得，显然，我吃的是三天前热过的剩饭，这一定说明我是唯一有这种肮脏秘密的人。

And now we feel, well, clearly the fact that I'm eating, you know, a reheated dinner from three days ago, it must show that I'm the only one who has this dirty secret.

别人都在尽情享受生活。

Everyone else is having a grand old time.

对。

Right.

没错。

Exactly.

社交媒体正是因为这个原因而如此有害。

Social media is so toxic for that reason.

正如你所说，完全就是这样。

It just it's it's it's it's it's exactly as you said.

人们展示的是经过精心筛选的自我形象。

People present a curated portrait of themselves.

从逻辑上讲，我们明白这一点，但很难克服那种本能的感受。

And, logically, we know this, but we cannot we have a hard time correcting for it, the visceral feeling.

你看到一个人带着完美的孩子和完美的生活，看起来光彩照人，你会想：天哪。

You see someone who looks gorgeous with their perfect children and their perfect life, and you think, oh my god.

而我的孩子却在大喊大叫。

Meanwhile, my children are screaming.

因此，这种比较会让你对自己产生负面情绪。

And so it makes you feel badly about yourself, these these kinds of comparisons.

当我们回来时，莱斯利做了一项调查，询问人们是否曾经逃税、观看色情内容，或在想去海滩度假时谎称生病。

When we come back, Leslie comes up with a survey asking people if they have ever cheated on their taxes, watched pornography, or called in sick when they wanted to spend a day at the beach.

您正在收听《隐藏的思维》。

You're listening to Hidden Brain.

我是 Shankar Vedanta。

I'm Shankar Vedanta.

这是《隐藏的思维》。

This is Hidden Brain.

我是 Shankar Vedanta。

I'm Shankar Vedanta.

你能想到一个从未与任何人分享过的秘密吗？

Can you think of a secret you haven't shared with anyone?

保守这个秘密让你感觉如何？

How does keeping the secret make you feel?

你觉得如果你把秘密告诉别人，会发生什么？

What do you think would happen if you shared the secret with others?

如果你愿意与《隐藏的思维》的听众分享你的个人故事，请找一个非常安静的房间，用手机录制一段语音备忘录。

If you're willing to share your personal story with the Hidden Brain audience, please find a very quiet room and record a voice memo on your phone.

两到三分钟就足够了。

Two or three minutes is plenty.

请将文件发送至 feedbackhiddenbrain dot org。

Email the file to us at feedbackhiddenbrain dot org.

邮件主题请写：Secrets。

Use the subject line Secrets.

再次提醒，邮箱是 feedbackhiddenbrain dot org。

Again, that's feedbackhiddenbrain dot org.

心理学家莱斯利·约翰是《过度分享的被低估的力量》一书的作者。

Psychologist Leslie John is the author of The Underrated Power of Oversharing.

莱斯利，当你深入探索令人尴尬的自我披露世界时，你和一位顾问曾设计过一些调查问题。

Leslie, as you dived into the world of embarrassing disclosures, you and an adviser once came up with survey questions.

这最终变成了一项极具挑战性的任务。

This turned out to be a very challenging exercise.

怎么会这样？

How so?

我想我可能保持着最尴尬的博士生与导师对话的世界纪录。

I think I might hold the world record for the most awkward, doctoral adviser advisee conversation.

当我还是博士生的时候，我一直对揭示隐私、自我披露和秘密这个话题非常感兴趣。

So when I was a doctoral student, you know, I've been interested in this topic of revealing privacy, self disclosure, secrets for a very long time now.

所以当我还是博士生时，我与导师合作设计了一系列调查问卷，向人们提出敏感问题，并调整不同变量来研究不同的问题。

And so when I was a doctoral student, I worked with my adviser to devise a series of surveys where we asked people sensitive questions, and we varied different things to learn different things.

因此，我们需要想出一些非常敏感的问题来问人们。

And so we needed to come up with really sensitive things to ask people.

于是我们坐在他的办公室里。

And so we sat in his office.

这对我来说是一种典型的闪光记忆。

It's one of these, like, flashbulb memories for me.

你记得自己当时穿着什么衣服、坐在哪里。

You know, you remember exactly what you were wearing and where you were seated.

是的。

Yeah.

所以他一上来就直奔主题。

So he just starts with a bang.

他说：‘那动物性行为呢？’

He says, what about bestiality?

天啊。

Oh, man.

所以，是的，我最想给他留下好印象的人说了这句话。

And so, yeah, I was like the person that I'm most trying to impress said that.

于是我心想：我该怎么办？

And so I was like, what do I do?

我该不该在头脑风暴时提出像那样极其敏感的话题？

Do I do I go for something super sensitive like that in my the things that I bring to the table brainstorming?

我觉得我当时说的每一件事，他都会觉得我是个古板的人。

I felt like everything I said then was like, maybe he's gonna think I'm a prude.

或者如果我说了一些很糟糕的事情，比如：你有没有隐瞒过伴侣你曾感染过性病？

Or then if I said something really bad, like, have you ever neglected to tell a partner about an STD you had?

那他就会觉得我太轻率了。

Then he'd think I was reckless.

而且，光是想到我在担心我的导师，就让我觉得……天啊。

And and just even the thought of that that that I am worrying about my adviser, like, it just oh gosh.

这真是太尴尬了。

It was so cringey.

但我们还是挺过去了。

But we got through it.

我们坚持了下来，最终想出了一份很棒的清单。

We powered through, and we came up with a great list.

从那以后，我就一直使用这些问题以及这些主题的变体，贯穿了我的整个职业生涯。

And I've since been using those questions and variations on those themes for kind of my career so far.

所以这份调查问卷的形式是以‘你有没有曾经……’开头的问题。

So the survey took the form of questions that start with have you ever.

莱斯利，你能读一下这些问题是吗？

Wondering if you can read out a list of these questions, Leslie.

我想让听众自己想想，他们是否曾经做过其中任何一件事。

And I want listeners to ask themselves if they have ever done any of these things.

好的。

Okay.

所以，是的，这些问题——提醒一下，如果你身边有孩子，这些问题可不轻巧。

So, yeah, the questions, be warned, they're doozies if you have children around.

你有没有和朋友的现任丈夫、妻子或伴侣发生过性关系？

Have you ever had sex with the current husband, wife, or partner of a friend?

你有没有幻想过做些可怕的事情，比如

Have you ever had a fantasy of doing something terrible, e.

折磨某人？

Torturing to someone?

你有没有偷过价值超过100美元的东西？

Have you ever stolen anything worth more than a $100?

你是否曾经看过色情材料？

Have you ever looked at pornographic material?

你是否曾经提出过虚假的保险索赔？

Have you ever made a false insurance claim?

你是否曾经在报税时作假？

Have you ever cheated on your tax return?

你是否曾经声称自己拥有实际上并没有的学历？

Have you ever claimed to have education that you didn't actually have?

在恋爱关系中，你是否曾经向伴侣以外的人调情？

While in a relationship, have you ever flirted with somebody other than your partner?

冒领他人的功劳？

Taken credit for someone else's work?

你是否曾经让朋友在你认为他或她饮酒过量的情况下开车？

Have you ever let a friend drive after you thought he or she had had too much drink?

你是否曾经向他人谎报自己的收入？

Lied about your income to someone?

生病了却谎称自己生病了。

Called in sick when you were sick.

假装没看见乞丐，或者在约会时故意不理人，只为让别人吃醋？

Pretended not to see a beggar to avoid seeing a on a date only to make somebody else jealous?

你有没有喝过量，导致宿醉？

Have you ever drunk so much that you got a hangover?

你有没有在公共场所乱扔垃圾？

Have you ever littered in a public space?

你有没有在合租的房子或公寓里没做分内的家务？

Have you ever failed to do chores in a shared house or apartment?

你有没有在通常要给小费的国家，没给服务员小费？

And have you ever failed to tip a waiter in a country in which tipping is customary?

这些问题我都差不多按敏感程度从高到低排列了。

These are the questions, and these I've more or less said them in a decreasing order of sensitivity.

我敢肯定，如果有人在研究环境中问这些问题，人们一定会闭口不言。

I'm sure people must clam up if someone asked them this question in in a research setting.

我也会这么想。

That's what I would think too.

但反复地，就在我所做的所有研究中，真正让我惊讶的是，人们往往非常坦诚。

But again and again, like across all of the research I've done, the one thing that really surprises me is how forthcoming people often are.

这几乎让人觉得人们真的很想吐露心声。

It almost seems like people really want to reveal.

事实上，后续的研究表明，我们确实有一种内在的驱动力去揭示这些事。

And in fact, there's been subsequent research showing that we do have this kind of internal drive to reveal.

这很有趣，因为其中一些事情甚至是违法的。

And it's fascinating because there's even some of these things are even illegal.

现在，我们提问的方式很重要。

Now the way we ask matters.

对吧？

Right?

如果我们面对面在审讯室里问，我不确定人们会不会这么坦诚。

So if we had asked face to face in an interrogation room, I don't know that people would be forthcoming.

但我们询问这些问题的方式是通过一个伪匿名的在线调查进行的。

But the way we ask these, we asked it on a pseudo anonymous online survey.

所以整个过程是在你家的舒适环境中完成的。

So it was done in the comfort of your home.

你不会有人在旁边盯着你、评判你。

You don't have someone staring there watching you judging you.

在一系列研究中，莱斯利探讨了人们是否会因为他人透露了自己不光彩的事情而对其评价降低。

In one set of studies, Leslie has examined whether people think less of those who have revealed unsavory things about themselves.

显而易见，答案是肯定的，对吧？

Obviously, the answer is yes, right?

但事实并非如此，这相当令人惊讶。

Not necessarily, which is pretty shocking.

因此，在这项研究中，我们问人们：假设我们要招聘，你更愿意雇用谁？

So what we did in this study was we asked people, let's say we asked, who would you rather hire?

候选人A在入职调查中被问到的一个问题是：你曾经在工作中被训斥过吗？

And candidate A, one of the questions they had been asked on this intake survey was, have you ever been reprimanded at work?

是的，不是，选择不回答。

Yes, no, choose not to answer.

当然，这些资料都是我们自己构建的。

We, of course, constructed these profiles ourselves.

所以对于候选人A，当被问到‘你是否曾在工作中被训斥过’时，他回答了‘是’。

So candidate a, to the question, have you ever been reprimanded at work, says yes.

直接说出了最糟糕的事情。

Just goes out and says the worst thing.

而候选人B则选择了‘选择不回答’的选项。

Candidate b, on the other hand, clicked the choose not to answer box.

所以这里我们有一个选择。

So here here we have a choice.

参与者有一个选择。

Participants had a choice.

你会更倾向于选择那个承认自己曾被训斥的人，还是那个明显回避不答、说‘我不告诉你’的人？

Would you prefer someone who admits something bad that they've been reprimanded at work to someone who simply but very conspicuously refrains from answering, says, I'm not telling you.

我选择退出。

I'm opting out.

我本质上是在隐瞒。

I'm concealing, essentially.

结果发现，人们一次又一次地更喜欢那个坦白的人。

And it turns out that again and again, people prefer the revealer.

他们更倾向于那个承认错误的人，即使那是一件坏事，而不是选择不回答、明显表示‘我不告诉你’的人。

They prefer the person who admits to the thing, even if it's a bad thing, relative to someone who opts out of answering, who very saliently says, I'm not doing this.

事实上，当你涉及恋爱关系时，也会发现类似的情况。

In fact, you find something along the same lines when it comes to romantic relationships as well.

是的。

Yes.

我们第一次得到这些结果时就做了这个实验。

We did this the first time we got these results.

我们当时想，这会不会是假阳性？

We thought, is this a false positive?

这就像我已故祖母常说的‘疯狂面条’。

This is nutty noodle, as my late grandmother would say.

但我们又用其他问题、其他样本和不同情境重复了这个实验。

But so we did it again with other questions, other samples, other scenarios.

我们尝试的一个场景是在约会领域，我们问人们：你更愿意和哪一个人约会？

And one of the ones we tried was in the realm of dating where what we did was we asked people, which of these two people would you prefer to date?

是人选A还是人选B？

Person a or person b?

其中一个问题是：你曾经提交过虚假的保险索赔吗？

And one of the questions was, have you ever filed a false insurance claim?

人选A明确表示自己经常这么做。

And person a ostensibly has said frequently.

也就是说，他们说出了最糟糕的事情。

So they're saying the worst possible thing.

那

The

另一个人，B，选择了不回答。

other person, person b, has clicked choose not to answer.

而且一次又一次，人们更愿意和某人约会。

And again and again, people, they'd rather date someone.

但这两者都不是什么好人选。

Now neither of these is fine specimens.

你不知道我父亲以前总这么说。

You don't my my father used to always say that.

那才是个好人选。

That's a fine specimen.

是的。

Yeah.

他们俩都不是那种你想带回家见父母的人。

Neither of them are someone you wanna take home to your parents.

但如果真的迫不得已，对吧？如果你陷入这种困境，你会选谁？

But if push came to shove, right, if you're in this tight bind, which would you choose?

因为这深刻地揭示了背后的人性。

Because that's deeply revealing of human nature behind it.

而且一次又一次，我们更喜欢那个坦露的人。

And again and again, we prefer the revealer.

那你认为这告诉我们什么？

And what do you think this is telling us?

为什么我们如此排斥隐藏者，即使唯一的选项是一个坦白自己犯错的坦露者？

Why is it that we are so averse to the hider even when the only option is a revealer who tells us that they have done something wrong?

是的。

Yeah.

这是个很好的问题。

It's a great question.

我们做了大量研究，试图理解为什么会发生这种情况，以及为什么没有发生。

And we did many, many studies to try to understand why this was happening and why it was not happening.

最终，我们发现，对坦露者的偏好源于一种整体的人格判断。

In the end, what we discovered was that the preference for a revealer is driven by a global character judgment.

隐瞒的人是不可信的。

The person who conceals is not to be trusted.

没错。

Right.

因此，我们宁愿和某人约会。

So much so that we we'd rather date someone.

我们宁愿雇佣某人。

We'd rather employ someone.

我们甚至宁愿在地铁上坐在一个坦白的人旁边，哪怕他说的并不是什么好事。

We'd rather even sit next to the subway behind besides someone who comes clean even if it's not the greatest thing to say.

因此，研究人员发现，几种认知偏差塑造了我们隐藏信息的倾向。

So researchers have found that several cognitive biases shape our desire to conceal.

其中之一被称为影响偏差。

One of them is called the impact bias.

什么是影响偏差，莱斯利？

What is the impact bias, Leslie?

是的

Yeah.

所以影响偏差是指我们倾向于高估情绪事件的持续时间。

So the impact bias is how we tend to overestimate the longevity of emotional events.

因此，当我们与某人分手，或者某人与我们分手时，我们会以为自己会陷入低落很长、很长的时间——永远如此。

So we think that when we break up with someone or if someone breaks up with us, we think we're going to be down in the dumps for a very, very long timeeternity.

但事实上，当这种情况发生时，我们常常会惊讶地发现，是的，这很糟糕，但我们比想象中更快地恢复了。

When reality, when that happens, we're often surprised to see, yeah, it sucks, but we're better sooner than we think.

同样，我们认为高峰情绪的持续时间也比实际更长。

Similarly, we think the highs last longer than they do.

比如，你得到了加薪。

Like, you know, we get a raise.

我们以为自己会很长时间都感觉棒极了，但很快我们就适应了，这种感觉迅速消退。

We think we'll be, like, feeling amazing for a really long time, but that we quickly adapt, and it quickly subsides.

因此，影响偏差指的是我们高估情绪事件的持续时间和强度。

So the impact bias refers to how we overestimate the duration and intensity of emotional events.

影响偏差最终塑造了我们的遗憾，以及短期遗憾与长期遗憾之间的差异。

The impact bias ends up shaping what we regret and also the difference between short term regrets and long term regrets.

在一项研究中，心理学家托马斯·吉洛维奇和维多利亚·梅德雷克探讨了这一差异。

In one study, the psychologists Thomas Gilovich and Victoria Medvec explored this difference.

这真的非常有趣，因为他们发现，在短期内，我们往往后悔那些导致不良结果的行为，也就是所谓的‘行动之过’。

It's really fascinating because what they found was that in the short run, we tend to regret the things we did that resulted in bad outcomes, so called sins of commission.

用坦白的话说，就是你说了一些话，也许你有点醉了。

So in disclosure language, it's it's you say something, maybe you're a little tipsy.

你说了些什么。

You say something.

你在晚宴上说得有点过头了。

You feel like you go a little bit too far at a dinner party.

第二天早上，你会经历一场严重的坦白后遗症，内心痛苦地想：‘我为什么要那样做？’

The next morning, you have a massive disclosure hangover where you're that gut wrenching, Oh, why did I do that?

你只想躲起来。

And you just want to hide.

这太糟糕了。

And that sucks.

所以我们非常后悔这些事。

So we regret that a lot.

所以在短期内，刚做完之后，我们会后悔自己做过的事，那些令人后悔的行为。

So in the short run, right after, we regret the things we do, the regrettable things that we did.

但从长期来看，这种模式会反转，我们一生中更后悔的往往是那些没做的事，即 omission 的罪过，那些我们本该做却没做的事。

But in the long run the pattern flips such that what we end up regretting much more over the course of our lives are the things that we didn't do, the sins of omission, the things that we didn't do that we should have done.

正是这些事让我们不断思考：如果当初呢？

Those are the things that leave us thinking, what if?

如果当初我告诉大学时暗恋的人我喜欢他呢？

What if I had told my college crush that I was into him?

比如，我为什么没那么做？

Like, why didn't I do that?

会有什么损失呢？

What would be the harm?

那么，错失的机会有哪些呢？

And what are the missed opportunities?

与此同时，在漫长的岁月里，我们根本不会反复琢磨：也许我被这个人拒绝了。

Meanwhile, we don't ruminate at all over the long haul about, okay, maybe I maybe I was rebuffed by this person.

但至少我知道了真相，你知道，你会获得某种了结，而不会一直纠结下去。

But at least I found out, you know, you get kind of closure and you don't continue perseverating.

有一位临终关怀护士叫布朗妮·韦尔，她写了一本书，名为《临终前五大遗憾》。

There was a book by the hospice care nurse, Bronnie Ware, titled the top five regrets of the dying.

这些遗憾是什么，莱斯利？

What were these regrets, Leslie?

是的。

Yes.

所以布朗妮·韦尔，我的偶像，作为一名姑息护理护士，她花了很多时间陪伴生命即将结束的人们。

So Bronnie Ware, my hero, she has spent as a palliative care nurse, she spent time, a lot of time with people at the very end of their lives.

因此，她对这些人有了很深的了解。

So she gets to know them a lot.

她写了一本书，汇总了人们对遗憾的普遍看法。

And she wrote a book where she collated her observations on what people tended to regret.

所以，在他们临终的病床上，他们说后悔的是什么？

So on their their dying beds, what did they say they regret?

以下是五大遗憾。

And here are the top five regrets.

我真希望我有勇气活出真实的自己，而不是别人期待我的生活。

I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

第二，我希望我没有那么拼命工作。

Number two, I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

第三，我希望我有勇气表达自己的感受。

Number three, I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

叮。

Ding.

叮。

Ding.

叮。

Ding.

叮。

Ding.

叮。

Ding.

第四，我希望我能与朋友们保持联系。

Number four, I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

第五，我希望我能让自己更快乐。

Number five, I wish I had let myself be happier.

因此你可以看到，五个中有四个是关于那些我们没做、却希望做过的事情的遗憾。

And so you can see four out of five of them are regret over things we didn't do that we wish we had done.

尤其是其中一条，是关于没有更多地展现自我、没有表达自己的感受。

And one of them especially is that is one related to not sharing more of ourselves, not expressing our feelings.

你说你自己因为布罗妮·韦尔的书而受到启发，开始更多地进行自我表露。

You say that you yourself were inspired to engage in more self disclosure by by Bronnie Ware's book.

能跟我讲讲最近一次你和母亲之间的经历吗？在那次经历中，你意识到自己其实从未向她倾诉过那么多事情。

Tell me about a recent incident with your mother where, in some ways, you were made aware, if you will, of all the things that you hadn't told her.

天哪。

Oh, jeez.

是的。

Yeah.

这是一次可怕的遭遇。

This was this was a scary episode.

那是圣诞节那天，我和丈夫一整天都在厨房里忙着做饭，多亏了祖父母帮忙照看我们的两个小男孩。

It was it was Christmas Day, and my husband and I had just finished, spending a lot of the day cooking in the kitchen, thanks to grandparents who took care of our little boys.

我们把火鸡端上桌时，发现我妈妈看起来非常憔悴。

And, we're putting the turkey on the table, and my mom looks gaunt.

她说：我感觉真的很不舒服。

She says, I'm really not feeling well.

我突然有种不对劲的感觉。

It's something's just come over me.

我得去躺一会儿。

I gotta go lie down.

于是她去躺下了。

So she went to go lie down.

我们把菜端上桌，然后我上楼去找她。

We serve the stuff, and then I go upstairs to find her.

我发现她躺在浴室里，刚吐过，眼神呆滞，似乎认不出我是谁。

And I find her in the bathroom clearly having vomited and looking at me with this glazed look of, like, unclear who I was.

于是我抱起她，像抱婴儿一样把她搂在怀里。

And I so I grabbed her, and I held her in in my arms like a baby.

就在我这么做的瞬间，她的眼睛翻了上去，身体一下子软了。

And as soon as I did that, her eyes rolled back in her head, and she went limp.

我以为她死在我怀里了。

And I thought that she had died in my arms.

我立刻跳起来，冲出了门。

And I just I sprang up, and I I bolted out the door.

我说，快打911。

I said, call 911.

我丈夫正在打911。

My husband's calling 911.

我冲出门去找隔壁的护士邻居，砰砰砰地敲他们的窗户，她立刻跑出来，冲进屋里，直接带我赶到我妈妈所在的浴室。

I bolt out the door to our neighbor who's a nurse, and I bang bang I'm banging on their windows, and and she comes and she right away, she's runs in, and then we get to the bathroom where my mom was.

我妈妈看着我们，一脸茫然地问：‘你们这是在闹什么？’

And my mom looks at us like, what's all the fuss about?

你们在干什么？

What are you doing?

她没事。

She was fine.

她没事。

She was fine.

后来发现，我们觉得应该是食物中毒。

It turned out that she, we think it was food poisoning.

而且，据说当你剧烈呕吐时，可能会干扰所谓的迷走神经，过度刺激它，导致你需要通过晕厥来重启大脑。

And, apparently, when you vomit so violently, it can disrupt what's called your vagus nerve, which, like, overstimulates it and can either way you need to kinda reset your brain by passing out.

这是我这个外行人的理解。

That's my layperson version of it.

但天啊，那真是太吓人了。

But, oh my gosh, that was so terrifying.

但它真的让我想起，当时我母亲已经74岁了，却依然非常健朗。

But it really it really remind like, my mother at the time was 74, super spry.

她现在依然非常健朗。

She's still super spry.

它真的让我意识到，虽然这话听起来老生常谈，但确实如此：你永远不知道自己的时间何时会到来。

It really reminded me that I know it's cliche to say, but it's so true that you never know when your time is coming.

因此，所谓坦诚，就是别再有所保留。

And so with disclosure, what that means is that, like, don't hold back.

别再吝啬表达你对他们的爱意。

Don't hold back telling someone all the ways you love them.

于是我写下了这份爱的清单，列出了所有我爱妈妈的方式，无论是大事还是小事。

And so I ended up writing this, like, love list, this list of things to my mom about the the way all the ways I love her and all the big things and all the little things.

是的，这对我来说真的很重要。

And, yeah, it was really important to me.

你是读给她听，还是把信给了她？

Did you read the letter to her or did you give her the letter?

我把信放在了她的袜子里。

I put it in her stocking.

信里写了各种各样的事情，包括重要的事。

And it had all kinds of things in it like big things.

比如，我非常感激，也爱妈妈和爸爸的方式，我的意思是，我们非常幸运，虽然不富裕，但生活确实很舒适。

For example, I'm so grateful and I love the way she and my father, they always I mean we are very lucky in that we had we weren't wealthy, but we we definitely were comfortable.

所以我们有幸能追求自己的兴趣。

And so we were in a privileged position to be able to pursue our interests.

我的父母真的、真的非常支持这一点。

And my parents really, really encouraged that.

他们说，永远追随你感兴趣的事情。

They said, always pursue what you're interested in.

我觉得，正是因为我做着自己热爱的事，才来到了哈佛这样神奇的地方。说到底，我确实很努力，但我一直追随自己的兴趣。

And I feel that I got to this amazing place called Harvard doing what I love doing because fundamentally, you know, I worked hard, but I pursued my interest.

在其他那些事情上，我也得到了很多运气。

And I got a lot of luck in all those other things.

但那种生活方式，那些重要的生活教训，我无比感激。

But but the kind of life the important life lessons I'm so grateful for.

还有那些细小的事情也是如此。

And then the small stuff too.

比如，哦，我喜欢她这样，天啊。

Like, oh, I love how she this oh my gosh.

她特别喜欢软糖，而我对颜色非常挑剔。

She so I love gummy candies and what my but I'm very particular on the colors.

我喜欢绿色的，但必须是青柠味的，不是苹果味的。

I like the green ones if they're lime, not apple.

我喜欢红色的。

And I love the red ones.

所以当她来看我们时，会给我一袋软糖熊，专门挑出我喜欢的颜色。

And so when she comes to visit us, she gives me a bag of of Jujubes, gummy bears with curated just the colors I like.

她挑出我不喜欢的那些吃掉，然后把剩下的给女儿，说：‘哦，是的。’

She picks out the ones I don't and eats the dregs, and then she gives her daughter, like, oh, yeah.

这太棒了。

It's amazing.

在我们下一期的节目中，我们将继续探讨自我披露的力量。

In our episode next week, we continue our exploration of the power of self disclosure.

请关注题为《坦诚相告》的这一期。

Look for the episode titled Coming Clean.

我们还会探讨科学证据表明在何时何地最好隐瞒信息、保持低调。

We also look at when and where the scientific evidence suggests it may be best to withhold information and to play your cards close to the chest.

这将在我们的《隐性大脑》付费节目中播出，标题为《何时隐藏真相》。

That's in our Hidden Brain Plus episode titled When to Hide the Truth.

如果你是订阅者，这个节目现在应该已经出现在你的播客推送中了。

If you're a subscriber, that episode should be available in your podcast feed right now.

如果你还没有订阅，请前往 support.hiddenbrain.org。

If you're not yet a subscriber, please go to support.hiddenbrain.org.

如果你使用的是苹果设备，请访问 apple.co/hiddenbrain。

If you are using an Apple device, go to apple.co/hiddenbrain.

再次提醒，网址是 support.hiddenbrain.org 和 apple.co/hiddenbrain。

Again, that's support.hiddenbrain.org and apple.co/hiddenbrain.

莱斯利·约翰是哈佛大学的一位心理学家。

Leslie John is a psychologist at Harvard University.

她是《过度分享的被低估的力量》一书的作者。

She's the author of The Underrated Power of Oversharing.

莱斯利，非常感谢你今天做客《隐藏的思维》。

Leslie, thank you so much for joining me today on Hidden Brain.

这真是一次愉快的交谈。

It's been a delight.

谢谢。

Thank you.

你能想起一次你向别人坦白的经历吗？

Can you think of a time when you came clean to someone else?

你还记得当时发生了什么，以及那种感觉吗？

Do you remember what happened and how it felt?

如果你愿意与《隐性思维》的听众分享你的个人故事，请找一个非常安静的房间，用手机录一段语音备忘录。

If you are willing to share your personal story with the Hidden Brain audience, please find a very quiet room and record a voice memo on your phone.

两到三分钟就足够了。

Two or three minutes is plenty.

请将文件发送至 feedbackhiddenbrain dot org。

Email the file to us at feedbackhiddenbrain dot org.

邮件主题请写：Secrets。

Use the subject line Secrets.

再次提醒，邮箱是 feedbackhiddenbrain dot org。

Again, that's feedbackhiddenbrain dot org.

《隐藏的思维》由隐藏思维媒体制作。

Hidden Brain is produced by Hidden Brain Media.

我们的音频制作团队包括安妮·墨菲·保罗、克里斯汀·王、劳拉·夸雷尔、瑞安·卡茨、奥托姆·巴恩斯、安德鲁·查德威克和尼克·伍德伯里。

Our audio production team includes Annie Murphy Paul, Kristen Wong, Laura Quarrell, Ryan Katz, Autumn Barnes, Andrew Chadwick, and Nick Woodbury.

塔拉·博伊尔是我们的执行制片人。

Tara Boyle is our executive producer.

我是隐藏思维的执行编辑。

I'm Hidden Brain's executive editor.

如果你喜欢这一集，请当面或在社交媒体上告诉你的朋友。

If you like this episode, please tell your friends about it in person or on social media.

我是 Shankar Vedantam。

I'm Shankar Vedanta.

我们很快再见。

See you soon.