思想秘史

好的。

Okay.

那我要做多久，才能开始观察自己的想法？

So how long would I have to do that before I started watching my thoughts?

你已经在观察了。

You are watching.

我一直在观察你的想法。

I was watching your thoughts.

那就是你在观察自己的想法。

That's you watching your thoughts.

这对我有什么帮助？

And how does that help me?

嗯，我有个比喻。

Well, I got a metaphor.

莫里斯

Morris

她从书架上拿了一本书递给我。

pulled a book from her shelf and passed it to me.

对。

Right.

所以这本书。

So this book.

对吧？

Right?

这本书，她告诉我，代表了我一整天所有痛苦的想法。

This book, she told me, represented all of the painful thoughts that I had all day long.

你还记得那些想法吗？

You remember those thoughts.

你不够瘦，你不够聪明，你太老或太年轻。

That you are not thin enough, that you are not smart enough, that you are too old or too young.

那些悄悄告诉你，从这里到那里之间的路无法逾越，你软弱、渺小、不够好的想法。

The thoughts that quietly tell you that the path between here and there is insurmountable, and you are weak and small and not good enough.

这些就是莫里斯告诉我这本书所代表的想法。

Those are the thoughts Morris told me that this book represented.

拿着这本书，从两边握住。

Take this and hold it on either side.

对吧？

Right?

我想让你把它举到脸前，刚好碰到你的鼻子。

And I want you to hold it up to your face so that it's just about touching your nose.

于是我拿起书，把它贴在脸上，就在我的眼睛正前方。

And so I took the book and I pressed it to my face, right in front of my eyes.

莫里斯解释说，我们大多数人平时都这样，让这些想法一直挡在眼前。

And Morris explained that most of us walk around the world with these thoughts right in front of our eyes in this way.

让你的痛苦想法和情绪成为你注意力的首要焦点，你觉得怎么样？

And how is that for you to have your painful thoughts and feelings be the primary focus of your attention?

不太好。

Not so good.

不太好。

Not so good.

我的意思是，这个视角并不好。

I mean, the view isn't great.

当我练习冥想时，莫里斯告诉我，你会学会控制自己注意力的焦点。

When you practice meditation, Morris tells me, you learn to control where you place your attention.

当一个令人困扰的想法进入你的大脑时，你会学会让它只是飘过，而不去理会它。

And when a disturbing thought comes into your brain, you learn how to just let it float by without ever engaging it.

然后她拿起书，轻轻把它放到了我的腿上。

She then takes the book and gently pushes it into my lap.

它仍然在那里，但现在它不再是你的注意力焦点了。

It's still right there, but now it's not the focus of your attention.

这是一种看待想法的新方式，从某种意义上说，也是一种非常古老的方式。

That's the new way of thinking about thoughts, which in a way is a very old way of thinking about thoughts.

核心理念是，不要去纠缠那些负面的想法。

The idea is you don't engage the bad ones.

它们没那么重要。

They don't matter that much.

只要找到那些有帮助的想法，那些能帮你过上你想要的生活的想法。

Just find the thoughts that are helpful, that help you to live the life that you want to live.

把那些想法保持在你面前，其余的，就让它们飘走吧。

Keep those thoughts in front of you, and the rest, just let float away.

它们不是你。

They're not you.

没有好的理由去关注它们。

There's no good reason to focus on them.

这终于把我们带回了S和他的想法所面临的问题上。

Which finally brings us back to S and the problem he had with his thoughts.

如果我伤害了别人或杀了人怎么办？

What if I hurt someone or kill someone?

也许我最好还是被送到精神病院去。

Maybe I'm just better off if you put me in, like, the psych ward.

当S去寻找治疗师时，他显然对心理学界近年来这种关于思维与元思维的奇特演变一无所知。

Now when S set off to find himself a therapist, he obviously knew nothing about this strange evolution and thinking about thinking that's gripped the world of psychotherapy.

很少有人了解这些。

Few people do.

他只是在网上找了一位治疗师，预约后走进了她的办公室。

He just made an appointment with a therapist he found online and walked through her door.

那位最初的心理学家给我带来了非常糟糕的体验。

That first psychologist was a very bad experience.

结果发现，他走进的是第一位弗洛伊德派治疗师的办公室，这位治疗师认为S的想法与他内心某种真实的东西紧密相关。

Turned out that he had walked through Door Number 1 into the office of a Freudian type therapist who believed that Ess's thoughts were connected to something very real inside of him.

我觉得某种程度上，她对我所看到的东西有点害怕，

I think in a way she was kinda scared of what I was seeing,

你知道，

you know,

我脑海中浮现的那些画面——杀人、强奸、残害。

the images that I was having of, you know, the killing, the raping, the maiming.

我有点觉得她可能认为我会构成危险。

And I kinda got that she may think that I would be a danger.

这当然让S更加害怕、更加焦虑，也更加迫切地想要弄清楚他那些可怕想法背后的根源，以便解决导致这些想法的问题。

Which of course made S even more scared and more anxious and more determined to understand what was behind his horrible thoughts so that he could resolve whatever was causing them.

但他真的从未有机会真正检验弗洛伊德式疗法的有效性。

But he really never got the opportunity to test the Freudian process properly.

见了她四五次后，我申请了再次就诊，但再也没有收到回复。

After seeing her four or five times, I had requested another visit and I never got a callback.

这让你怎么想？

And what did that make you think?

我觉得我的状况真的很严重，而且你知道，如果连治疗师都不愿意见我，那我还能去哪儿？

That my condition was really serious and that, you know, if a therapist didn't want to see me, know, where do I go now?

S的情绪急剧下滑，越来越退缩，最终他觉得自己别无选择。

S took a nosedive, retreated from the world more and more until finally he decided he didn't have a choice.

他必须找到另一位治疗师来帮助自己。

He had to find another therapist to help him.

所以他在网上找了一位男士。

So he turned to a man he found online.

他叫什么名字？

Who was his name?

汤姆。

Tom.

汤姆·科博伊。

Tom Corboy.

我们确实去拜访了汤姆·科博伊。

We actually went to visit Tom Corboy.

你好。

Hello.

嗨。

Hi.

他在一座现代玻璃高层建筑中的一间阳光充足的转角办公室工作，那里线条简洁。

He works out of a sunny corner office in a modern glass high rise full of clean lines.

请随意坐。

Make yourselves comfortable.

好的。

Alright.

科博伊向我解释说，当像S这样的人走进他的办公室时，他会使用一种非常特定的疗法来帮助他们。

And Corboy explained to me that when someone like S walks through his door, he has a very specific therapy that he uses with them.

在第三或第四次会话时，好的。

On the third or fourth session Okay.

现在，他交给他们一把刀。

Now he hands them a knife.

没错。

That's right.

你听清楚了。

You heard me.

交给他们一把刀。

Hands them a knife.

这就像那把心理之刀。

That's like the psycho knife.

这确实就像那把心理之刀。

It is like the psycho knife.

而且他

And he

让他们把刀架在自己的喉咙上。

tells them to hold it to his throat.

你是在开玩笑吧？

Are you kidding me?

一点都不是在开玩笑。

Not in the slightest.

你看，科博伊是个第三代疗法类型的人。

You see, Coreboy is a third wave kind of guy.

他经营着S找到治疗师的那家诊所，这家诊所对思想有着非常明确的观点，即我们大多数想法其实并不重要。

He runs the practice where S found a therapist, and that practice has a very strong position on thoughts, which is that most of our thoughts aren't that important.

我们产生的大多数想法都是无意义的。

Most thoughts we have are just nonsense.

它们只是我们大脑中神经元的随机放电，我们不需要对所有这些想法都如此认真。

They're just synapses popping off in our head, and we don't need to take them all so seriously.

根据汤姆的说法，像我们这样的人的问题不在于他们有这些黑暗的想法。

And according to Tom, the problem with people like us is not that they have these dark thoughts.

我们都拥有这些想法。

We all have them.

你知道，如果你把我放在早上4点05分或者高峰期的车上。

You know, you stick me on the 04:05 or rush hour.

过不了多久，我就会开始想杀人。

It's just a matter of time before I start thinking of killing somebody.

S对这些黑暗想法的反应才是问题所在。

It's S's reaction to his dark thoughts that's the problem.

根据科博伊的说法，S患有一种强迫症的亚型，即带有伤害性强迫观念的强迫症。

See, according to Corboy, s has a subset of obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD with harming obsessions.

伤害型强迫症。

Harm OCD.

强迫症是一种思维问题。

Obsessive compulsive disorder is a thinking problem.

你 obsessively 地关注那些最让你反感的事物。

You focus obsessively on the things that most disgust you.

如果你讨厌细菌，你会不断想着细菌，想着它们爬满你全身。

If you hate germs, you think continuously about germs, how they're crawling all over you.

如果你害怕火灾，你会日夜想着烧掉自己的房子。

If you fear fire, you think about burning down your own house day and night.

这其实只是他们害怕什么的问题。

It's really just a question of what they're afraid of.

所以，Ess 和许多像他这样的人（这样的人很多）真正的问题，并不是他们比我们其他人更不道德。

So really, the real problem with Ess and many of the people like him, and there are plenty of them, isn't that they are less moral than the rest of us.

Korboy 说，他们的问题实际上是他们更道德。

Korboy says their problem actually is that they're more moral.

他们的道德认同感是其中一个重要部分。

Their sense of moral identity is a strong part of it.

你看，当我们大多数人产生这些想法时，我们并不会因此感到不安。

See, when most of us have these thoughts, we are unfazed by them.

普通人只会想，真是个荒唐的想法，然后继续过自己的日子。

The average person just goes, silly thought, and gets on with their day.

但患有强迫症的人会有这些想法，并因此感到极度痛苦。

But a person with OCD has these thoughts and they become extremely distressed.

他们对自己脑子里竟然会出现这种想法感到厌恶。

It disgusts them that these thoughts are even in their brain.

如果我伤害了别人或杀了人怎么办？

What if I hurt someone or kill someone?

所以当这样的想法出现在他们脑海中时，他们会尽全力把它赶走。

So when a thought like that comes into their head, they try as hard as they can to push it away.

但这样做只会让这些想法变得更加强烈。

But that, it just makes the thoughts grow stronger.

杀了你的妻子。

Murder your wife.

杀了你的妻子。

Murder your wife.

杀了你的妻子。

Murder your wife.

这种状况的可怕讽刺就在于此。

That's the terrible irony of this condition.

正是一个人的良知，使得这些可怕的想法一次又一次地反复出现。

It's exactly a person's conscientiousness that makes the horrible thoughts return again and again and again.

这就是刀子出现的原因。

That's where the knife comes in.

随着时间推移，库尔布伊勒会鼓励像S这样的患者拿起刀子，把它抵在自己的喉咙上。

Slowly over time, Courbouille encourages patients like S to take the knife, hold it to his throat.

他们会一起坐在那里，持续十分钟、十五分钟。

Together, they'll sit there for ten minutes, for fifteen.

这实际上是一种证据，非常有力的证据，表明尽管S有机会杀人，但他并不会这么做。

Basically, it's a form of evidence, really compelling evidence, that even though S has the opportunity to kill, he's not going to do it.

因此，他不得不面对一个现实：他的想法不值得当真。

And therefore, he's forced to confront the reality that his thoughts should not be taken seriously.

这些想法在任何情况下都不反映这个人的真实性格。

They are not in any way, shape, or form a reflection of that person's character.

这种疗法被称为暴露疗法。

This kind of therapy is called exposure therapy.

你逐步让患者接触他们最恐惧的事物，事实证明这对强迫症极为有效。

You progressively expose people to exactly the thing that they fear most, and it's shown to be incredibly effective for OCD.

这就是为什么科博伊的办公室里不仅有刀。

That's why Corboy doesn't just have knives in his office.

他还专门有一个柜子，存放各种破坏性工具。

He has a whole cabinet devoted to different implements of destruction.

如果有人害怕用锤子把人打死，我们可以给他们这个。

If somebody's afraid of hammering someone to death, we can give them this.

一把锤子。

A mallet.

有一把螺丝刀。

There's a screwdriver.

一把肉切刀。

A meat cleaver.

一把剃须刀。

A razor.

注射针头。

Hypodermic needles.

这些是毒药吗？

Are these like poisons here?

是的。

Mhmm.

然后他让他们把这些东西拿在手里，好的。

And then he asks them to hold these things in their hands Okay.

现在来

Now to

触摸它们

touch them

更大、更锋利的刀。

Bigger, sharper knives.

然后就在他身边反复使用它们。

And use them over and over again right there with him.

我们最近刚磨过这些刀，如果你想感受一下刀刃。

We had them sharpened recently if you'd like to feel the edge.

好的。

Okay.

最终，他们能够以一种新的方式看待自己的想法。

So that ultimately, they can learn to see their thoughts in a new way.

所以你可以感受到它

So you can you can feel that it's

现在，科博伊真的让我自己动手，拿刀抵住他办公室里的喉咙。

Now, Corboy actually had me do this myself, hold a knife to his throat in his office.

好的。

Okay.

所以我拿起这把刀，你想让我把刀放在哪儿？

So I just take this knife, and I where do you want me

哪里？你希望我把脖子放在哪儿？

to Where do put my neck?

你可以在哪里找到我的颈动脉，或者

Where where you can find my jugular or

我把刀刃直接贴到了他喉咙的皮肤上。

I took the blade right up to the skin on his throat.

这样可以吗？

Is this okay?

是的。

Yeah.

你之前那样就挺好。

You were fine the other way.

就连我这样根本不会经历这种事的人，也因为离别人的颈动脉这么近而感到害怕。

And even for me, someone who doesn't actually struggle with this stuff, it was frightening to be so close to someone's jugular.

我弄疼你了吗？

Am I hurting you?

没有。

No.

你确定吗？

Are you sure?

我能感觉到，但不疼。

I can feel it, but it's not hurting.

好。

Okay.

那里皮肤太薄了。

The skin there is so thin.

好的。

Okay.

起初，S连刀都拿不稳。

S, at first, couldn't even hold a knife.

他必须慢慢适应。

He had to work up to it slowly.

首先，他被要求尽量想象最可怕的画面。

First, he was told to just conjure up the worst images he could think of.

一张被毁容的脸，伤害孩子，杀死狗。

A face that was mutilated, harming a child, killing a dog.

他被要求只是坐在那里想着这些画面。

And he was told to just sit there thinking about them.

我会努力在脑海中保持那个画面——伤害孩子，直到它失去意义，我不再害怕去想它。

I would try to hold that in my mind, that image, harming a child until it lost its meaning, and I wasn't scared of doing that.

然后，他被要求进一步升级。

Then he was told to step it up a notch.

把我的手放在狗的脖子上。

Put my hands around the dog's neck.

他被要求坐到狗旁边，双手掐着狗的脖子。

He was told to go sit with his dog, with his hands around his dog's neck.

并想象自己掐死狗的画面。

And bring up the image of strangling my dog to death.

他说，一开始很害怕。

He said at first, it was scary.

你知道那种微乎其微的可能性吗？

You know that slim chance?

如果我的手突然用力，真的掐死了我的狗怎么办？

What if my hands clenched up and I did strangle my dog?

但随着时间推移

But over time

几分钟而已。

A couple minutes.

我意识到，即使我的手绕在他的脖子上，我也不会这么做。

I realized that even with my hands around his neck, I wouldn't do it.

从那以后，每当这个念头浮现，我都能一笑置之。

And so after that, that thought just if it popped in my mind, I was able to laugh it off.

而且

And

最后，最大的挑战。

finally, the biggie.

我的妻子。

My wife.

他不得不对妻子举起刀。

He had to take a knife to his wife.

是的。

Yeah.

我们当时站在厨房里。

We were standing there in the kitchen.

那时是黄昏。

It was dusk.

你知道的，那是夏天，我正准备做晚饭。

It was, you know, summertime, and I was about to prepare dinner.

他从肉块架上拿出一把刀。

And he took out a knife from a butcher block.

是的。

Yeah.

那是一把又大又长的刀。

It was a a big, long bladed knife.

是的。

Yeah.

你知道，他花了好一会儿才真正拿起它，拿起来靠近我。

You know, it took him a while to actually hold it and, you know, pick it up and hold it near me.

但最终他靠近了她。

But eventually he came up close to her.

把刀握在手里，想象着刺向她的情景。

Held the knife in my hand, brought on the image of stabbing her.

我能看出他很紧张。

I could tell he was nervous.

杀了你的妻子。

Murder your wife.

杀了你的妻子。

Murder your wife.

他手里拿着刀。

He had the knife

靠近我的手臂。

near my arm.

杀了你的妻子。

Murder your wife.

他正尽最大努力抓住这个念头。

He's trying as best he can to hold on to that thought.

杀了你的妻子。

Murder your wife.

直接面对它。

And just face it head on.

几分钟后，他注意到自己的心跳没有那么快了。

And after a few minutes, he noticed his heart wasn't beating so fast.

意识到我并没有能力，或者不会去这么做。

Realized that I was not capable or was not going to do it.

所以

So

就这样了。

that was it.

他说随着时间推移

He said in time

四个月。

Four months.

这个

The

他越与这些想法相处

more he sat with the thoughts

成千上万种令人不安的想法。

Thousands and thousands of different disturbing thoughts.

它们就越开始缓解。

The more they began to ease up.

我感觉有了显著的改善，真的又能重新生活了，我想这么说。

To where I felt a significant improvement and could actually could actually live again, I would say.

那么，你是什么时候意识到自己已经自由了？

And, like, when was the moment that you knew that you were free?

我永远不会自由。

I'll never be free.

爸爸。

Daddy.

爸爸。

Daddy.

你想得到它吗？

Do you want to get it?

当然。

Sure.

他

He

他说他仍然有这些想法。

says he still has the thoughts.

我仍然有这些想法。

I still have the thoughts.

我仍然有那些关于我妻子的想法，你知道的。

I still have the thoughts, you know, about my wife.

嘿，你。

Hey, you.

甚至连我的女儿都这样。

Even my my daughter.

你在干什么？

What you doing?

尽管他非常讨厌它们

And as much as he hates them

谁会想要有这样的想法呢？

Who would wanna have that?

现在他真正相信了，他不必去听那些想法

Now he trusts, really trusts, that he doesn't have to listen

去听它们。

to them.

你在看《Rella》吗？

Are you watching Rella?

看《灰姑娘》吗？

Watching Cinderella?

我就让它放在那儿。

I just let it be there.

然后，你知道的，它最终会慢慢消散、消失。

And then, you know, it eventually just dissipates and goes away.

爸爸要回房间了。

Daddy's gonna go back in the room.

好吗？

Okay?

听起来不错吧？

Sound good?

谢谢。

Thank you.

好的。

Okay.

他

He

他说有一个时刻，他意识到一切都会好起来的。

said there was a moment when he knew that things were gonna be okay.

但那景象与他想象中的平静截然不同。

But it didn't look anything like what he thought peace might look like.

他再也没有回到那些思绪尚未爆发前的伊甸园。

He's never been returned to that Eden from before the thoughts broke out.

是的。

Yeah.

我记得我和妻子带着我们的狗去海滩。

I I remember my wife and I going to the beach with our dog.

我们坐在沙丘上，看着夕阳，凝望着夕阳下的水面。

And we're watching the sunset, sitting on dunes, looking out on the water in the sunset.

突然，一个尖锐的想法闯入了我的脑海。

And boom, a stabbing thought popped through my mind.

哦。

Oh.

但后来他注意到了一些奇怪的事情。

But then he noticed something strange.

那个念头飘走了。

The thought floated away.

嗯。

Mhmm.

那只是一个普通的念头。

It was just another thought.

我将永远独自一人。

I'll always be alone.

不会有人爱我。

No one will love me.

突然闪过一个冲动，想直接跳到轨道下。

This flicker of an impulse to just throw myself down the tracks.

我在想颜色。

I'm thinking about colors.

我正在想我的妹妹。

I was thinking about my sister.

我在想该怎么帮她。

I was thinking how I could help her.

把自己从高处扔下去。

Throwing myself off things.

我真蠢。

I'm stupid.

将会有一通

There's gonna be

深夜的电话。

a phone call in the night.

《无形之物》稍后回来。

Invisibilia will return in a moment.

在《星球金钱》节目中，我们已经探讨过许多话题。

On Planet Money, we have covered a lot of topics.

比如，你试着在互联网上搜索某个话题，然后在后面加上‘Planet Money’。

Like, just try searching something on the internet and adding Planet Money to the end of it.

关税价格，Planet Money，这就是一集内容。

Tariff prices, Planet Money, that's an episode.

停车标志之争，Planet Money，这也是一集。

Stop sign war, Planet Money, that too.

阿拉斯加比目鱼大赛，Planet Money。

Alaska Halibut Derby, Planet Money.

只要你能想到的问题，我们很可能已经探讨过了。

If you can ask it, we have probably answered it.

Planet Money，请在NPR应用或你收听播客的任何平台收听。

Planet Money, listen on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.

本周《Consider This》节目中，明尼苏达州的移民与海关执法局特工现在向汤姆·霍曼汇报，他是总统家庭分离政策的策划者。

This week on Consider This, ICE agents in Minnesota now reporting to Tom Homit, the architect of the president's family separation policy.

霍曼向谁汇报？

Who does Homan report to?

到目前为止，一直是斯蒂芬·米勒，但我认为政府已经意识到，听从米勒的建议在公众舆论方面给他们带来了多少麻烦。

Up until now, it's been Stephen Miller, but I think the administration is seeing how much trouble listening to Miller has gotten them in when it comes to public opinion.

本周《考虑此事》节目，请在NPR应用或您收听播客的任何平台收听。

This week on Consider This, listen on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.

情人节快到了，为您的NPR爱好者准备的完美礼物就在NPR商店等着您。

Valentine's Day is coming up, and the perfect gift for the NPR lover in your life is waiting at the NPR shop.

从适合悠闲早晨的毛衣和马克杯，到我们的迷你录音室连帽衫，每位NPR粉丝都能找到心仪之物。

From cozy sweaters and mugs made for slow mornings to our tiny desk hoodie, there's something for every NPR fan.

每笔购买都支持公共媒体和您喜爱的新闻报道。

Each purchase supports public media and the journalism you love.

在shopnpr.org寻找一份有意义的礼物。

Find something meaningful at shopnpr.org.

来自NPR新闻，这里是《无形之力》。

From NPR News, this is Invisibilia.

我是露露·米勒。

I am Lulu Miller.

我是露·斯皮格尔。

And I am Lou Spiegel.

今天，我们来讨论一下想法。

And today, we are discussing thoughts.

如何思考你的想法，以及我们该怎样看待那些我们正在思考的想法。

How to think about your thoughts, what we should think about our thoughts that we think.

最近你对自己的想法有什么看法？

What do you think about your thoughts these days?

我觉得，用一种新的方式来思考想法，对我理解自己的想法帮助极大。

I think that the new way of thinking about thoughts is deeply helpful to how I think about thoughts.

这种新方式就是，你可以让所有想法都随它去。

The new way being that you can just let them all go.

我不必认真对待自己的想法，这个观念让我感到无比解脱，但当我想到我和全国数以百万计的人花了无数个小时去试图理解我们的想法以及它们的来源时，又觉得有点令人不安。

The the idea that I don't have to take my thoughts seriously, I find deeply liberating and slightly disturbing when I think about all of the many, many hours that I and millions of people all over the country have spent trying to understand our thoughts and where they came from.

意思是，这一切都是浪费时间吗？

Like all that's just time wasted?

是的

Yeah.

你对此有什么感受？

How do you feel about it?

嗯，我不确定这是否总是浪费时间。

Well, I'm not sure if it's always time wasted.

比如，我想知道，如果你深入挖掘，是否能获得更深层的领悟。

Like, I wonder if you can get a deeper piece if you really Dig in.

深入挖掘。

Dig in.

是的

Yeah.

为了向你展示一个非常深刻的例子，我想讲讲马丁的故事。

And to show you a pretty profound example of this, I want to tell you the story of Martin.

好的。

Okay.

所以，马丁·皮斯托瑞斯在七十年代末是一个在南非长大的小男孩。

So Martin Pistorius, in the late seventies, was a little boy growing up in South Africa.

要讲述他的故事，我们需要暂时放下关于思想的问题两到三分钟，但之后会回到这个话题。

To tell his story, we're gonna have to leave the question of thoughts for two or three minutes, but it will circle right on back.

明白吗？

Okay?

但这一切始于他三岁时，他走进父母的卧室，告诉他们他长大后想成为他所说的‘电人’。

But it all begins when he was three years old, and he marches into his parents' bedroom and tells them that when he grows up, he wants to be what he calls an electric man.

他总是坚持要我们给他买各种电子设备。

He used to insist that we buy him all sorts of electronic equipment.

电阻、晶体管，你想得到的都有。

Resistors and transistors and you name it.

这些是他的父母，琼和罗德尼·皮斯托瑞斯。

These are his parents, Joan and Rodney Pistorius.

他还会给我们做东西。

And he would build us things.

比如为他们的圣诞树做一个闪烁的星星。

Things like a flashing star for their Christmas tree.

一个警报系统，防止他弟弟碰他的乐高积木。

An alarm system to keep his little brother out of his Legos.

我们有一个坏掉的插头。

We had a broken plug.

我当时没当回事。

I thought nothing of it.

我只是说，马丁，麻烦帮我修一下这个插头。

I just said, Martin, please just fix the plug for me.

你知道，家里有裸露的电线，我却让一个不到11岁的孩子去修。

You know, mean he has live electricity in the house and I'm asking a child younger than 11 to fix it.

而他真的修好了！

And he did!

你觉得他从哪儿学会这些的？

Where do you think he picked this up?

我完全不知道。

I have no idea.

他从小就告诉我，他长大后要当一名电工。

He was always going to be an electric man as he told me when he grew up.

后来，马丁的生活发生了意想不到的转折。

Then Martin's life took an unexpected turn.

他刚满12岁。

He had just turned 12.

有一天他回家说感觉特别不舒服。

He came home one day saying he was feeling very sick.

他说：妈妈，我觉得我快感冒了。

And said, Ma, I think I'm getting flu.

但这并不是普通的生病。

But this wasn't a normal sickness.

马丁开始不停地睡觉，睡了又睡。

Martin began to sleep and sleep and sleep.

几乎一整天都像婴儿一样。

Like a baby nearly all day.

他醒来后就拒绝吃东西。

And when he woke up, he'd refuse food.

罗德总是坐在那里掰开他的嘴，而我则把食物塞进去。

Rod used to sit there and force his mouth open, and I used to put the food in.

他开始流鼻血。

He began getting nosebleeds.

于是他们对他进行了所有可能的检查，包括结核病、帕金森病、威尔逊病、铜缺乏、麻疹等，但所有结果都是阴性。

So they tested him for everything under the sun from TB, Parkinson's disease, Wilson's disease, deficiency in copper, measles, and everything was negative.

但他还是越来越糟。

Still, he got worse and worse.

随着时间推移，他身上的一切都慢慢停滞了。

As the months wore on, everything about him slowly closed down.

他自主活动的能力、眼神交流的能力，最终，说话的能力。

His ability to move by himself, his ability to make eye contact, and finally, his ability to speak.

他最后说的一句话是在医院时问的：什么时候回家？

And the last thing he ever said because he was still in hospital was when home?

他唯一想知道的就是他什么时候能回家。

And all he wanted to know was when is he coming home.

对不起。

And Sorry.

嗨，罗诺。

Hi, Renaud.

嗨。

Hi.

在他的疾病第二年，他的状况逐渐恶化。

He progressively got worse probably in the second year of his illness.

只要我们不叫醒他，他就会一直睡觉。

He was sleeping whenever we didn't wake him up.

他一直保持着胎儿姿势躺着。

He was permanently lying down in the fetal position.

最终，检测结果呈阳性。

And a test finally came back positive.

隐球菌性脑膜炎。

Cryptococcal meningitis.

医生告诉琼和罗德尼，马丁已经无药可救了。

The doctors told Joan and Rodney that Martin was beyond hope.

差不多就是，你知道的，他成了植物人。

As good as not the you know, he's a vegetable.

他完全没有智力。

He has zero intelligence.

他们被要求带他回家。

They were told to take him home.

尽量让他舒适，直到他去世。

Try and keep him comfortable until he died.

但一年过去了，两年也过去了。

But one year passed and two years passed.

马丁一直坚持着。

Martin just kept going.

一直坚持着。

Just kept going.

于是，琼、罗德尼和他们的两个孩子尽最大努力照顾马丁的身体。

So Joan, Rodney, and their two kids did their best to care for Martin's body.

我每天早上五点起床，给他穿好衣服，把他抬上车，送到专门的护理中心，然后把他留在那里。

I'd get up at 05:00 in the morning, get him dressed, load him in the car, take him to the special care center where I'd leave him.

八小时后，我去接他，给他洗澡、喂饭、让他上床睡觉，然后设一个两小时的闹钟，以便醒来帮他翻身，防止他长褥疮。

Eight hours later, I'd pick him up, bath him, feed him, put him in bed, set my alarm for two hours so that I'd wake up to turn him so that he didn't get bedsores.

整夜都是这样吗？

All all throughout the night?

是的。

Yeah.

每两小时我就起来给他翻一次身，然后才能睡一会儿。

Every two hours, I'd get up and turn him over and then get a little bit of sleep.

第二天早上五点，我又开始同样的循环。

And at 05:00 the next morning, I'd start the same cycle.

那就是他们的生活。

That was their lives.

把他塞进车里，送他去，再接他回来。

Load him in the car, drop him off, pick him up.

三年变成了四年。

Three years turned to four.

给他洗澡。

Bath him.

给他喂饭。

Feed him.

把他送上床。

Put him in bed.

四年变成了五年。

Four years turned to five.

第二天早上5点，开始同样的循环。

05:00 the next morning, start the same cycle.

六年。

Six years.

七年。

Seven years.

把他搬上车。

Load him in the car.

把他放下。

Drop him off.

接他回来。

Pick him up.

八年。

Eight.

把他搬上车，放下，再接他回来。

Load him in the car, drop him off, pick him up.

09:10。

09:10.

这太可怕了。

This was so horrific.

琼清楚地记得有一次走上前对他说：

Joan remembers vividly going up to him one time and saying,

我希望你去死。

I hope you die.

你知道，说这种话太恶劣了。

You know, that's a horrible thing to say.

我只是想要一些解脱。

I just wanted some sort of relief.

十一年，十二年。

Eleven years, 12.

把他塞进车里，放下他，再接他回来。

Load him in the car, drop him off, pick him up.

里面还有生命吗？

Was there any life inside?

我不确定。

I was not certain.

根本无从知晓。

It was impossible to know.

我的大脑已经认定他去世了。

And my mind had decided he died.

是的。

Yes.

我当时在场，虽然不是从最开始，但在我的植物状态持续两年左右时，我开始苏醒。

I was there, not from the very beginning, but about two years into my vegetative state, I began to wake up.

这是马丁。

This is Martin.

是的。

Yes.

使用网格来说话。

Using the grid to speak.

这个网格只是一个电脑键盘，让他能快速选择词语，然后由电脑朗读出来。

The grid is just a computer keyboard that allows him to quickly choose words and then have the computer read them out loud.

是的。

Yeah.

现在我要讲他是如何恢复意识，并学会操作键盘和轮椅的。

Now I will get to how he regained consciousness and developed the ability to operate a keyboard and the wheelchair that he uses to get around.

但你们需要知道的是，在大约八年的时间里，当全世界都认为马丁已经不在了的时候，他其实完全清醒。

But what you'd need to know is that for about eight years, while all the world thought that Martin was gone, he was wide awake.

我像普通人一样，对一切都有感知。

I was aware of everything just like any normal person.

他认为自己是在生病四年后醒来的。

He thinks he woke up about four years after he first fell ill.

所以那时他大约十六岁。

So when he was about 16 years old.

我想，用一个模糊的图像来形容它是个不错的方式。

I suppose a good way to describe it is like an out of focus image.

一开始，你完全不知道那是什么，但慢慢地，它逐渐变得清晰，直到你能看得一清二楚。

At first, you have no idea what it is, but slowly it comes into focus until you can see it in crystal clarity.

就在他重新感知世界的过程中，马丁惊恐地意识到自己无法移动身体。

And somewhere in this reawakening to the world, Martin realized to his horror that he couldn't move his body.

他甚至无法说话。

He couldn't even speak.

我盯着我的手臂，拼命希望它能动起来。

I stare at my arm, willing it to move.

我所有的注意力都凝聚在这一刻。

Every bit of me condenses into this moment.

马丁后来写了一本关于这段经历的书，名为《幽灵男孩：我逃离被困在自己身体里的生活》。

Martin would later write a book about this called Ghost Boy, My Escape from a Life Locked Inside My Own Body.

现在，他正在朗读一段文字，讲述某晚他竭尽全力想引起父亲注意的经历。

And this is him reading a passage about one night when he tried as hard as he could to get his father's attention.

我坐在床上。

I am sitting in my bed.

当我父亲为我脱衣服时，我的心在跳动。

My heart is beating as my father undresses me.

我希望他能知道，能明白我已经回到他身边了。

I want him to know, to understand that I've returned to him.

但他的身体完全不听使唤。

But nothing in his body would obey.

我父亲没有认出我。

My father doesn't recognize me.

这种情况一次又一次地发生。

It went like this again and again.

尝试。

Attempt

爸爸，你难道看不见吗？

Dad, can't you see?

还有失败。

And failure.

尝试与失败。

Attempt and failure.

所有人都习惯了我的缺席，以至于当我重新出现时，他们都没有注意到。

Everyone was so used to me not being there that they didn't notice when I began to be present again.

尽管他能看见并理解一切，但这并不重要。

Though he could see and understand everything, it didn't matter.

残酷的现实击中了我——我将以那种方式度过余生，完全孤独一人。

The stark reality hit me that I was going to spend the rest of my life like that, totally alone.

当他最终接受了这个事实，意识到自己确实被困住了时，他说仿佛有什么东西在脑海中迸裂，释放出汹涌的思绪狂潮。

And when he finally accepts this, that he truly is trapped, he said it was like something broke open in his mind, and it unleashed a fury of thoughts.

我完全孤独一人。

I am totally alone.

你真可悲。

You are pathetic.

完全孤独。

Totally alone.

你无能为力。

You are powerless.

你将永远孤独。

You will be alone forever.

完全孤独。

Totally alone.

永远孤独。

Alone forever.

永远孤独。

Alone forever.

他说这些想法简直在猛烈冲击他。

He said the thoughts literally battered him.

你注定失败。

You are doomed.

羞辱了他。

Humiliated him.

你的家人已经看不到你了。

Your family doesn't see you anymore.

你永远逃不出去。

You will never get out.

你的家人

Your family

所以，这是另一个被思绪压垮的男人。

So here is another man overrun by thoughts.

你永远逃不出去。

You will never get out.

你可悲、无力、完全孤独。

You are pathetic, powerless, totally alone.

但与我们其他人不同，他无法打电话给朋友倾诉。

But unlike the rest of us, he can't call a friend to talk about it.

他不能去跑步来清空思绪。

He can't go on a run to clear his head.

他甚至连坐在椅子上的姿势都无法改变。

He can't even move his position in his chair.

他被困在自己的思绪里。

He is trapped in his head.

那么，他该怎么办呢？

And so what does he do?

有一天，他凭直觉发明了那种在我们上一个故事中帮助了S先生的疗愈技巧。

Well, one day he just intuitively invents the very therapeutic technique that so helped the man in our last story, S.

马丁开始与自己的思绪保持距离。

Martin just starts detaching from his thoughts.

你根本不会去思考任何事情。

You don't really think about anything.

你只是单纯地存在着。

You simply exist.

你能描述一下那种感觉吗？

Can you describe what it that feels like?

是的

Yeah.

我想知道，这感觉平静吗？

I wonder, is it peaceful?

或者

Or

不

No.

我不觉得这平静。

I wouldn't say it is peaceful.

这是一个非常黑暗的境地，因为某种程度上，你允许自己消散。

It's a very dark place to find yourself because in a sense you are allowing yourself to vanish.

可能几天，甚至几周，我都把自己封闭起来，内心完全陷入黑暗。

Days, if not weeks, can go by as I close myself down and become entirely black within.

一种虚无，被清洗、被喂食，从轮椅搬上床。

A nothingness that is washed and fed lifted from wheelchair to bed.

有时护士对他很粗心。

Sometimes the nurses were careless with him.

她们会把滚烫的茶水灌进他的喉咙，或让他独自坐在冰冷的浴缸里。

They'd pour scalding hot tea down his throat or leave him in cold baths sitting all alone.

其中一位护士甚至开始故意虐待他。

One of the nurses even began to intentionally abuse him.

你无能为力。

You are powerless.

但当他没有让自己去感受这些想法带来的刺痛时

But instead of allowing himself to feel the sting of these thoughts

我每天坐着花，茫然地凝视着虚空。

I sit flowers each day staring blankly into space.

但有一种想法，他允许自己去思考并细细品味。

Though there was one thought he'd allow himself to engage and savor.

我竭尽全力祈祷并希望死去。

I prayed and wished with all my might to die.

所以，我的朋友，这就是他放下的想法所带来的体验。

So that, my friend, was his experience of letting thoughts go.

不过，偶尔也会有这些事情发生

Though, occasionally, there were these things

你总能指望拥有愉快的一天。

You can always count on having a fun day.

这些事情提供了一种动力，比如巴尼。

These things that provided a kind of motivation, Like Barney.

我爱你。

I love you.

你爱我。

You love me.

我无法向你表达我有多讨厌巴尼。

I cannot even express to you how much I hated Barney.

看啊，

See,

由于全世界都认为马丁基本上是个植物人，他们就让他一直靠在电视机前，一遍又一遍地看《巴尼》的重播，日复一日，永无止境。

since all the world thought that Martin was basically a vegetable, they would leave him propped up in front of the TV watching Barney reruns hour after hour, episode after episode, day after death.

而且

And

有一天，他决定受够了。

one day, he decided he'd had enough.

他想知道现在几点了。

He needed to know what time it was.

因为如果他知道现在几点，就能知道什么时候才会结束。

Because if he could know what time it was, he could know when it would end.

尤其是，他想知道离自己一天中最期待的时刻还有多近。

And specifically, how much closer he was to his favorite moment in the day.

只是为了能熬到被从轮椅上扶起来的那一刻，让身体的疼痛暂时缓解一下。

Simply to make it to when I was taken out of my wheelchair and that for a brief moment, the aches and pains in my body could subside.

问题是，马丁很少坐在钟表附近。

Now the problem was that Martin was rarely seated near a clock.

于是，他求助于这些老朋友——这些思绪，帮助他仔细观察影子的长度变化。

So he calls upon these old allies, these thoughts to help him carefully study the lengths of the shadows.

我会观察阳光如何在房间里移动，或者影子如何在整个白天中变化。

I would watch how the sun moved across the room or how a shadow moved throughout the day.

他开始将自己看到的现象与收集到的零星信息进行匹配。

And he begins to match what he sees with little bits of information he's able to collect.

比如电视里听到的、收音机里的报道，或者护士提到的时间。

What he hears on the television, a radio report, a nurse mentioning the time.

这就像一个需要破解的谜题，而他成功解开了。

It was a puzzle to solve, and he did it.

几个月内，他就能像看钟表一样读懂影子了。

Within a few months, he could read the shadows like a clock.

是的。

Yes.

加尔甘至今仍通过影子来判断时间。

Gargan still tell the time of day by the shadows.

这是他第一次感受到掌控感。

It was his first semblance of control.

仅仅知道一天中自己所处的时间，就让他觉得能够穿越这段时光。

Simply knowing where he was in the day gave him the sense of being able to climb through it.

是的。

Yes.

这段经历最终让他开始以不同的方式思考自己的思维。

And this experience ultimately led him to start thinking about his thoughts differently.

我认为你的想法与你密不可分，是你的一部分。

I think your thoughts are integrally connected to and part of you.

他意识到这些想法可以帮助他，于是他又开始倾听它们。

He realized that they could help him, And so he starts listening to them again.

我会在脑子里和自己以及其他人对话。

I'd have conversations with myself and other people in my head.