LG速成课：如何真正达到高潮——与范妮莎·马林一起学习

姐妹们，我想说，非常感谢大家对我新书《不再当老好人的心灵自助指南》的支持。

Lady gang, I wanted to say I am so thankful for all your support of my new book, The Self Help for People Who Are Done Being the Bigger Person.

这本书目前在fthembook.com上热销中。

It is on sale right now at fthembook.com.

我想解释一下出版界的一个事实：预售真的非常重要。

I wanted to explain something about the publishing world that preorders really matter.

我只有三周的时间来为这本书积累一些预售量，这决定了出版社是否会去找Target、Walmart、巴诺书店以及所有独立书店。

I literally have three weeks to get some preorders on this book, and that's how the publisher goes out to Target and Walmart and Barnes and Noble and all your indie booksellers.

他们会说：嘿，这本书有点热度了。

And they basically say, hey, there's a little heat on this book.

你家位于The Grove的巴诺书店愿意进10本吗？

Would you buy 10 for your Barnes and Noble at The Grove?

你家的独立书店愿意进10本吗？

Would you buy 10 for your Indy?

这听起来很疯狂，因为这本书十一月才正式出版，但未来几周的订单真的、真的至关重要。

It's crazy because the book is published in November, but the orders over the next few weeks really, really matter.

如果你打算支持我并购买这本书，如果你能尽早下单，我会非常感激。

If you're planning on supporting me and you're planning on getting the book, if you could do it now sooner than later, I would appreciate it so much.

fthembook.com。

Fthembook.com.

我还提供了各种预售赠品，其中之一是免费加入K型集体，我将在全年里亲自担任你的教练，为书的发布做准备。

And I offered all these pre order bonuses, and one of them is to get into the K Type Collective where I'm literally gonna be your personal coach all year long leading up into the book launch for free.

每周三，你都会收到我布置的作业。

Every Wednesday, you're gonna get homework for me.

可能是社交媒体方面的。

It could be social media.

可能是财务方面的。

It could be money.

也可能是情感方面的。

It could be emotional.

到了周日，我会检查并完成所有工作，告诉你我的看法，并提供个性化的反馈。

And then on Sunday, I'm gonna review it and do all of the work and tell you what I think and give you my personalized feedback.

我们每个月还会在Zoom上举行一次问责会议，大家可以聊聊。

And we're gonna have once monthly accountability meetings as well on Zoom so we can all chat.

我对这个新时代感到非常兴奋。

I'm really excited about this new era.

Lady Gang不会消失，但还是感谢你们的支持。

Lady Gang isn't going anywhere, but thank you for your support.

Fmbook.com。

Fmbook.com.

该做个小快问了。

It's time for a quickie.

Podcast one 呈献《Lady Gang》，好莱坞女孩帮派，带来Lady Gang快问环节。

Podcast one presents the lady gang, the Hollywood girl posse with lady gang quickie.

以下是Kelty Knight、Becca Tobin和Jack Vanick。

Here's Kelty Knight, Becca Tobin, and Jack Vanick.

咱们快点开始吧。

Let's make this quick.

你好。

Hello.

你好。

Hello.

你好。

Hello.

欢迎来到Lady Gang Quickie。

Welcome to Lady Gang Quickie.

我是Becky，和Jack、Kelty在一起，今天我们请来了一位在Lady Gang中呼声很高的嘉宾。

I'm Becky here with Jack and Kelty, and we have someone back by, you know, major demand in the lady gang.

我们之前只给她安排了一期节目。

We didn't give her one episode.

这次我们给她安排了两期节目。

We're giving her two episodes.

Kelty，我们请的是谁？

Kelty, who do we have?

范妮莎·马林来了，她和丈夫赞德一起主持了非常棒的播客《枕头谈话》。

Vanessa Marin is here from the amazing podcast pillow talks that she does with her husband Xander.

我特别喜欢她和赞德的地方在于，他们是一对长期伴侣。

And basically what I love about her and Xander is they're like long term couple.

她是一位持证性治疗师，她教我们如何应对周二那期节目中提到的‘大脑疲劳’问题，保持充满激情的性生活，并与丈夫和爱人保持亲密联系，这正是我所喜欢的。

She's a licensed sex therapist and she's like teaching us how to even though the what we learned on Tuesday's episode, the like brain waves are bored, how to keep an exciting sex life and and stay connected to our husbands and lovers, which I love.

你可以在 vmtherapy.com 查看她的内容，当然也可以在 Instagram 上关注范妮莎和赞德。

You can check her out at vmtherapy.com and of course on their Instagram, Vanessa and Xander.

今天，我想聊聊你的课程，因为有一门叫《结业学校》的课程，主题是关于高潮的。

Today, I wanna talk about your course because there's this course called Finishing School that's all about the orgasms.

我从不。

Now, I'm never.

太棒了。

So good.

真的。

Literally.

我也非常感兴趣，我觉得很多人也是，因为我们持续看到，不仅在流行文化中，甚至在我们的Facebook群组和其他各种群组里，人们都坦白说，这一直是个沉默的话题，但经过这么多年，他们承认自己从未真正体验过高潮。

I also am very interested in this and I think a lot of people are because we are continuing to see people not only in pop culture but like in our Facebook group, in our different groups, like admit it's been a very silent thing but admit after years and years and years like I've never had a real orgasm.

我真的不知道那是什么感觉。

I don't really know what that is like.

就在上周，我看到我们Facebook群组里的女孩们互相提供建议，她们说：‘我太尴尬了。’

And I saw just last week girls in our Facebook group giving each other advice on like, I'm so embarrassed.

她们是匿名发帖的。

They do it anonymously.

我太尴尬了，不敢说，但我从来没有过。

I'm so embarrassed to say this, but I never have.

然后其他女孩说，你需要

And then girls were like, you need

去试试，你知道的，自己动手。

to get a, you know, try yourself.

等等之类的。

Blah blah.

所以我们就在想，可以这么做。

So we were like, can do this.

所以，范妮莎，带我们进入《Lady Gang》的完型学校吧。

So Vanessa, take us to Finishing School here on Lady Gang.

我们需要知道什么？

What do we need to know?

我最初创建完型学校是因为我自己在高潮方面有困难。

So I originally created Finishing School because I struggled with my own orgasm.

我学会了如何独自达到高潮，但和伴侣在一起时却做不到。

So I learned how to orgasm on my own, but I could not get there with a partner.

这让我感到非常困惑。

And it was wildly confusing to me.

为什么自己一个人时这么简单直接，但和伴侣在一起时却感觉完全不可能呢？

Like, how could it be pretty straightforward and simple on my own, but it feels absolutely impossible with a partner.

我还有额外的冒名顶替者综合症，因为我就在这里，想成为一名性治疗师，甚至开始学习成为性治疗师，参与性治疗领域，但我还是搞不懂这个问题。

I had this extra side of impostor syndrome because here I am, like, wanting to be a sex therapist, eventually starting to study to become a sex therapist, being a part of the sex therapy field, and I still couldn't figure it out.

我四处寻找工具、建议和指导，却发现每个人在谷歌搜索‘如何达到高潮’时都能找到的那些老生常谈的东西。

And I was looking around me everywhere trying to find tools, advice, suggestions, and I saw the same generic crap that every woman who's ever Googled, how do I have an orgasm, has ever found.

放松就好。

Just relax.

别去想它，顺其自然。

Don't think about it, and just let it happen.

好吧。

And Okay.

我试了这三招，但很遗憾，它们都没用。

Tried the hell out of those three things, and unfortunately, they did not work.

于是我真正踏上了探索如何真正达到高潮的旅程。

And so I really embarked on this journey to figure out how to actually get there myself.

一旦我弄明白了，我就有了动力去创建一个能帮助其他女性的系统。

And once I did figure it out, then it became motivation to create a system that would work for other women too.

我不希望其他女性再经历我曾经历过的那种羞耻、尴尬、觉得自己破碎不堪、孤立无援的感觉。

I didn't want other women to have to go through the same shame, embarrassment, feeling broken, feeling alone that I went through.

所以，这就是‘完课’的由来。

So that was what Finishing School became.

它提供的是非常循序渐进、毫无废话、别多想、只管放松的那种建议。

It's a really step by step, no bullshit, just don't think about it, just relax kind of advice.

它明确清晰地引导你：先尝试这个，然后尝试那个，再尝试另一个，直到你能每次都能稳定、可靠地达到高潮，因为就像我们在上一集谈到的，大多数女性的问题不是缺乏欲望，而是缺乏享受。

It explicitly, clearly walks you through, first you gotta try this, then you're gonna try this, then you're gonna try that, to get to the point where you can have consistent, reliable orgasms every single time because like we were talking about in the last episode, most women don't have a desire problem, they have an enjoyment problem.

如果我们不享受正在经历的性行为，无法获得高潮和快感，又怎么会渴望它呢？

If we don't enjoy the sex we're having, if we're not having orgasms and pleasure, why would we crave it?

对于一个让你不愉快的体验，渴望它根本说不通。

It doesn't make any sense to crave an experience that's not enjoyable for you.

你能给我们一个简明扼要的总结吗？比如快速列几点，让大家知道这门课到底是什么样的？

Can you give us like a TLDR just of like quick little notes about like what the course is like so people know what to expect?

它涵盖了高潮的三个关键要素。

So it goes over three key components of orgasm.

第一个是技术层面，也就是真正搞清楚我们的身体是如何运作的。

So the first one is the technical aspect, which is literally figuring out how our bodies work.

我稍后会分享更多关于女性如何开始探索这一点的建议。

I'll share some more tips about how women can start exploring that in just a minute.

第二点是心理层面。

The second thing is the mental aspect of it.

我们很多人在性行为中都会被一些想法干扰，比如对自己的身体感到尴尬、自我意识过强、不希望在性爱中成为焦点，或者不习惯让伴侣专注于自己。

So a lot of us struggle with just thoughts that get in the way of us being able to orgasm, embarrassment about our bodies, feeling like self conscious, not wanting to be the center of attention during sex, feeling uncomfortable letting your partner focus on you.

因此，我们需要打破那些我们从小被灌输的负面信念，为自己创造真正能够获得高潮的空间。

So there's a lot of like breaking down those negative beliefs that we were all taught to have in order to create the space for you to actually start having orgasms.

第三点是关系层面。

And then the third is the relational aspect.

很多女性在与伴侣相处时会遇到困难，因为不同的互动模式可能会浮现。

A lot of women struggle with their partner because different dynamics can come up.

也许我们害怕要求伴侣多关注自己。

Maybe we're afraid to ask them to focus on us.

也许我们在关系初期就开始假装高潮，而伴侣以为他们知道该怎么做，但实际上这已经不再适合我们了。

Maybe we started faking at the beginning of the relationship and our partner thinks they know what to do and it actually doesn't really work so well for us anymore.

我们只是在遵循男性与女性性行为的标准模式，专注于性交，但顺便说一句，91%的女性表示性交并不是她们最愉悦的活动，只有10%到15%的女性能仅通过性交达到高潮。

We are just following the standard scripts of what male female sex looks like and we're focusing on intercourse which, by the way, ninety one percent of women say that intercourse is not the most pleasurable activity for them and only ten to fifteen percent of women can actually orgasm from intercourse alone.

这就是关系层面的动态。

So that's the relational dynamic.

因此，我们需要全面地深入这三个主要挑战类别。

So it's really comprehensive going into these three different categories of the main challenges that come up.

但让我们回到技术层面，因为这是许多女性可以立即开始实践的部分。

But let's go back to the technical aspect because that's something that a lot of women can get started on right away.

当我为高潮而挣扎时，我寻求的建议是：去探索你的身体。

When I was struggling with my orgasm, the advice that I sought was like, just explore your body.

我当时想：太好了。

And I was like, great.

但我该怎么做呢？

How do I do that?

于是我提出了几个不同的变量，来真正地拆解这个问题，让它更具体。

So I came up with a couple of different variables to really like break this down and make it more specific.

我们需要关注的第一件事是，弄清楚你的阴蒂喜欢直接接触还是间接接触。

The first thing that we need to focus on is discovering whether your clitoris likes direct or indirect contact.

女性通常可以分为两类。

So women tend to be broken down into two camps.

有些女性喜欢直接刺激阴蒂表面，也就是我们能看到的那小块皮肤。

Some women like directly stimulating the surface of the clitoris, that little nub of skin that we can see.

但对一些女性来说，如果直接触碰阴蒂，会让人觉得：哇，哇，哇，太过了。

And for some women, if you touch the clitoris directly, it's like, woah, woah, woah, that's way too much.

这会让人感觉过于强烈和敏感。

It's really overwhelming and too sensitive.

所以你需要弄清楚你的阴蒂最喜欢哪种方式。

So you wanna figure out what your clitoris likes best.

我总是建议使用一点润滑剂，花点时间先热身，比如轻抚全身，因为如果你直接冲着阴蒂去，很可能也会觉得太敏感——就像大多数男性伴侣一上来就直奔阴蒂时，我们也会觉得特别烦躁一样。

I always recommend using a little bit of lube, spending some time warming yourself up, like touching all over your body because if you go straight for your clitoris, it's probably gonna feel too sensitive just the same way most of us get really annoyed when our male partners go right for the clitoris.

他们可能会说：等等，等等，兄弟。

They're like, Wait, wait, bud.

所以我们有

So we have

要以同样的方式对待自己，慢慢来。

to treat ourselves the same way, ease into it a little bit.

但你可以先用一根手指在阴蒂周围轻轻描绘。

But what you can do is start off, like, using one finger to trace around your clitoris.

一开始不要直接触碰它。

Don't touch it at first.

就绕着它转，感受一下你能感受到多少刺激。

Like, go around it and see how much sensation you feel.

然后慢慢缩小这个圈，直到开始直接触碰阴蒂。

And then slowly narrow that circle in until you're starting to touch the clitoris directly.

你可以试着玩一玩，一会儿扩大范围，一会儿又缩小，从而了解你独特的阴蒂。

And you can kind of play around, go back wider again, go back narrower again, and get a sense for your unique clitoris.

你是喜欢直接触碰，还是更喜欢刺激阴蒂周围？

Do you like it being touched directly or do you like stimulating around the clitoris instead?

所以这是一个很好的起点。

So that's a great starting point.

哇。

Wow.

我以前不知道还有这种事，但这就是为什么当我向一些女性朋友推荐Womanizer时，我会说这是最好的东西。

I didn't know this was a thing but this is why when I suggest the womanizer to some of my girlfriends and I'm like it's the best thing ever.

她们中的一些人说，你疯了。

Some of them are like, you're insane.

我真的很想死。

I I like really wanted to die.

我感觉自己被折磨了。

I felt like I was being tortured.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

这会太强烈了。

It's gonna be too intense.

有些女性实际上需要穿着内衣甚至裤子，通过衣物摩擦阴蒂来刺激，因为直接接触实在太强烈了。

Some women actually need to keep like underwear on or even pants on and like stimulate their clitoris on top of fabric because having that direct contact is just way too intense.

很有趣。

Interesting.

我想回到你一开始说的一件事。

I wanna go back to something you said at the beginning.

好的。

Okay.

所以你自己能高潮，但和伴侣在一起时却有困难。

So you were able to orgasm on your own, and then when you were with a partner, you were having difficulty.

这是为什么？

What is that?

因为我不只是有困难，这太有意思了。

Because I I'm it's not that I'm having difficulty, but it's so interesting.

我可以躺下，三分钟内就自慰完了。

Like, I could lay down and masturbate in, three minutes.

我来去匆匆，刚进浴室，一天就正式开始了。

I'm, like, in, out, I'm in the shower, the day has started.

但当我的丈夫在我身边时，突然间我就得集中注意力了。

But like when my husband's around me, it's all of a sudden like, oh my god, I gotta concentrate.

这用的是同一个振动器，但感觉却完全不同。

So like it's so different but it's the same it's the same vibrator.

到底发生了什么？

Like what is happening?

好的。

Okay.

通常来说，这归结于我们自慰时使用的具体手法。

Usually what this comes down to is the specific technique that we're using to masturbate.

有一个非常简单的说法：一起放电的神经元会彼此连接。

So there's a very simplistic saying that is neurons that fire together wire together.

如果我们每次都以相同的方式自慰，实际上就是在大脑中刻下了一条特定的神经通路，告诉自己：啊，这就是通往愉悦的路径。

So if we masturbate in the same way every single time, we're basically carving little neural pathways in our brain that says, ah, this is the pathway that I go down for pleasure.

现在，我要说得非常清楚。

Now, I wanna be really clear.

任何人使用的任何特定自慰方式都没有问题。

There is nothing wrong with any specific masturbation technique that anybody uses.

无论你如何给自己带来愉悦，都是很棒、很棒、很棒的。

However you bring your body pleasure is amazing and great and wonderful.

我们只需要认真思考自己如何与自己相处。

And we just have to be thoughtful about how we show up with ourselves.

因为对我们大多数人来说，一旦找到能让自己达到高潮的方法，就会不断打磨，变得极其熟练。

Because the majority of us, we figure out what it takes to get us to orgasm and we really refine it get super good at it.

我们每次都做完全相同的事情。

We do exactly the same thing single time.

但再次强调，我们是在训练身体对这种特定、精确的刺激做出反应。

But again, we are training our bodies to respond to that specific, exact kind of stimulation.

问题是，当你和伴侣在一起时，突然间就不再是每次自慰时那种完全一样的方式了。

Then the problem is when you get around your partner, all of a sudden it's not the exact same thing that you do every single time.

而且，我们很多人在自慰时，心理上也会完全抽离。

And a lot of us, when we masturbate, we also kind of mentally check out.

有时候，我可能是个挺懒的自慰者。

Like, I can be a pretty lazy masturbator sometimes.

就是，我知道自己该怎么做。

It's just like, I just I know what I'm doing.

我只是，你知道的，直奔目标。

I'm just, you know, going for the goal.

对吧？

Right?

但当伴侣在身边时，情况就不同了，哦，现在这里有另一个人，我得为他留出一些心理空间，不能只是抽离，沉浸在自己的小世界里。

But then a partner is there, it's like, oh, now there's another person here, and, you know, I have to just kind of make mental space for you, and it's I can't just check out and, you know, be in my own little world.

所以这就是为什么有伴侣在的时候，感觉要难得多。

So that's why it feels so much harder when a partner is there.

所以解决办法是我们自己也要给自慰增添一些新鲜感。

So the solution for that is that we have to spice it up on our own too.

我们要尝试改变自慰的方式。

We have to vary the ways that we masturbate.

别每次都非得追求高潮不可。

Try not going for gold every single time.

也许可以把时间延长到五分钟，而不是三分钟。

Maybe stretch it out to like five minutes instead of three minutes.

有时候可以不用振动器，改用纯手动方式。

Maybe sometimes go acoustic instead of with the vibrator.

纯手动方式。

Acoustic.

这太棒了。

That's amazing.

我们自己能用的方式越多，和伴侣在一起时达到高潮就会越容易。

The more the more ways that we can orgasm on our own, the easier it's gonna be to be able to get there with a partner.

有意思。

Interesting.

这太有趣了。

That's so interesting.

但不幸的是，这又得加上我的红光面膜和保湿手套了。

And but Unfortunately, is just more things to add to my red light mask and my moisturizing gloves.

你知道的。

You know?

该死的。

Like, god damn it.

稍微换一下口交技巧吧。

Just switch out the mouth operation technique a little bit.

你

Do you

觉得很多蛋白粉都特别粉感、很普通吗？

feel like a lot of protein powders are just really chalky and generic?

我很兴奋要跟你分享我最近特别喜欢的一款产品。

I am excited to tell you about the one that I have been loving.

它成分纯净，味道很棒。

It's clean, tastes great.

我们说的是Clean Simple Eats。

We're talking about Clean Simple Eats.

我每天早上都会把香草味蛋白粉加进咖啡里。

I put the vanilla protein powder in my coffee every morning.

它非常美味。

It is delicious.

这就像早上起来的一点小享受，接下来我给你讲点科学知识。

It's like a little treat first thing in the morning, and I'm gonna give you a little science.

Clean Simple Eats使用的是草饲乳清蛋白分离物。

Clean Simple Eats uses grass fed whey protein isolate.

它品质高，效果显著。

It's high quality and highly effective.

乳清蛋白分离物是一种含有完整氨基酸谱的完全蛋白。

Whey protein isolate is a complete protein with a full amino acid profile.

那这意味着什么？

So what does that mean?

这意味着你的身体可以利用每份中的20克蛋白质来支持瘦肌肉、抑制食欲并促进恢复。

It means your body can utilize all 20 grams of protein per serving to support lean muscle, curb cravings, and aid recovery.

也许你对乳糖含量有所顾虑。

Maybe you're concerned about the lactose factor.

Clean Simple Eats 吸收迅速、乳糖含量低，并添加了消化酶，对肠胃更友好。

Clean Simple Eats is fast absorbing low lactose and made with digestive enzymes, making it easy on digestive.

此外，不含任何人工色素、甜味剂或成分。

Plus, no artificial colors, sweeteners, or ingredients.

而且你喜欢在蛋白粉选择上有些变化。

And you like a little variation with your protein options.

他们甚至推出了蛋白粉混合装。

They even have a protein powder variety pack.

你可以尝试多种口味的单份装。

You can try individual servings of multiple flavors.

我就是这么做的。

This is what I did.

这简直太棒了。

It is divine.

Clean Simple Eats 绝对纯净，而且完全美味。

Clean Simple Eats is undeniably clean and a 100% delicious.

前往 cleansimpleeats.com 购买口感最佳的蛋白粉。

Shop the best tasting protein powders at cleansimpleeats.com.

《Lady Gang》由进步保险赞助播出。

Lady Gang is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

你今天选择了收听这个播客。

You chose to hit plan this podcast today.

非常明智的选择。

Very smart choice.

Progressive 喜欢帮助人们做出明智的选择。

And Progressive loves to help people make smart choices.

因此，他们提供了一个名为 Auto Quote Explorer 的工具。

That's why they offer a tool called Auto Quote Explorer.

它让你可以将 Progressive 的汽车保险报价与其他公司的报价进行比较，这将帮助你节省研究时间，同时在选择最适合你的费率时享受节省。

Allows It you to compare your Progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies, and that's gonna help you save time on research, and you can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you.

在本集结束后，请前往 progressive.com 试用一下。

Give it a try after this episode at progressive.com.

Progressive 伤亡保险公司及其关联公司并非在所有州或情况下都可用。

Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates not available in all states or situations.

价格因购买方式而异。

Prices vary based on how you buy.

Lady Gang。

The lady gang.

好的。

Okay.

那么，如果你遇到一些障碍，会是什么呢？

So then what if you're, like, in, like what are some of the blocks?

因为我觉得这里肯定有个社会性的障碍，当你年轻的时候，成长过程中开始有性生活，大家好像都在装，都像在拍色情片一样，但总有一天你会崩溃，心想：我不想再当那样的女孩了。

Because I feel like there's gotta be like a societal block here because when it's like when you're young and you grow up and you start having sex, it's like everyone's faking it, everyone's acting like they're in a porno, and then at some point you break, you're like, I don't want to be that girl anymore.

但对我来说，当我开始组织时，我会变得非常安静。

But then, it's like for me, when I organize, I get very still.

我根本没法东蹦西跳。

Like I can't be bouncing around.

我实际上得

I actually have

把情绪平静下来。

to like calm the down.

你懂我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

所以那时候我就想，那些人嘲笑‘死鱼’的样子，我心想：我不想变成那样的死鱼，但同时我也得别这么东蹦西跳的。

So that can be like, then I just think about like all those like people making fun of like the dead fish and I'm like, don't wanna be like a dead fish, but I also like, I need to not be bopping around so much.

我需要

I need

只是

to just

就这样安静下来，你知道的？

like be, you know?

是的。

Yeah.

你能说说那些让你感到尴尬的事情吗？

So like, can you break down some of those things to not be embarrassed about?

当然。

Definitely.

对。

Yeah.

我们中有太多人陷入了性行为中的表演性质。

So so many of us get into the performative aspect of sex.

我的第一次性行为是在16岁，不知怎么的，我就知道该假装一下。

I mean, the very first time I had sex, was 16 years old and I've somehow knew just to fake it.

没有人直接告诉过我这一点，但不知怎的，这种观念不知不觉渗透进了我那年仅16岁、敏感的心灵里——原来性行为就是得演一场戏。

Don't, you know, nobody had ever directly told me that, but somehow it had wound its way into my tender little 16 year old psyche that that's just what we do is put on this performance with sex.

在我的整个年轻时的性生活中，我所做的全部都是在表演。

And for so much of my, you know, young adult sex life, all I was doing was performing.

这正是我很难与伴侣真正体验到高潮和真实快感的重要原因，因为我把所有的时间和注意力都花在了营造这个体验上。

And that was a huge part of why it was so hard for me to experience a real orgasm and real pleasure with a partner because I was spending all my time and attention just baking the experience.

所以，这确实是一个非常突出的问题。

So, I mean, that's a huge thing that comes up.

我们需要学会更贴近自己的真实感受，为了自己而做爱，而不是为伴侣表演。

We like, we need to learn how to be more in tune with our actual experience, to have sex for ourselves, not to do a performance for our partner.

但你所提到的其实非常普遍。

But what you're talking about is actually really common.

我也有类似的情况，快到高潮前我会变得安静。

I have something similar where I get quiet before an orgasm.

我会完全沉浸在自己的内心世界。

Like, I really go internal.

我必须专注于当下的感受。

I have to focus on the experience.

很多女性都有类似的体验。

A lot of women report that.

我必须真正地与自己建立连接。

Like, I have to like really tune into myself.

我记得刚和赞德开始性生活时，他会听到我从发出声音、享受过程突然变得完全安静。

And I remember early in my sex life with Xander, he would hear me going from like making noise and enjoying myself to all of a sudden being really quiet.

他会以为自己做错了什么，于是就会改变方式。

And he would think he was doing something wrong so he'd switch things up.

然后我会说，不是这样的。

And then I'm like, no.

天啊。

Oh my gosh.

现在我们又回到了

Now we're like back

原点。

at square one.

所以我得告诉他，嘿，其实当我安静下来时，这是好事。

So I had to tell him, hey, actually, when I go quiet, it's a good thing.

他就说，好吧。

And he's like, okay.

我需要一种方式知道这是好事，否则我会觉得自己做得不好。

I need some way of knowing that it's a good thing because otherwise I'm feeling like I'm doing a bad job.

于是我们约定一个小信号，我就轻轻捏一下他的手臂。

So we came up with a little signal where I would just squeeze his arm.

这样对我来说不需要花太多力气。

So it didn't take much effort from me.

也不会让我从当下抽离出来。

It didn't pull me out of the moment.

我仍然可以向内专注自己，但我也通过信号告诉他：继续下去。

I could still go internal and focus on myself, but I was also giving him the signal of like, just keep going.

你做得对。

You're doing the right thing.

所以我觉得像这样的小举动其实非常有帮助。

So I think something small like that can be really helpful.

然后，回到作为当今世界中的女性这一事实，一切都让人分心，我根本就无法集中注意力。

And then what about like rewinding to just the fact of being so just as women in the world today and just everything, it's like, I'm so distracted period.

要做的事情太多了。

There's so much to do.

待办清单上有一大堆事情。

There's so many things on the to do list.

我觉得自己必须完成的事情太多了。

There's so many things I feel like I have to finish.

对我来说，要开始进入当下状态非常困难，因为我还在琢磨今天会是什么样子。

For me, it's very hard to get in to the moment to begin because I'm trying to figure out what my day is going to look like.

就是感觉作为一个普通人，会特别焦虑，心想：好吧，关掉它，现在进入另一种状态。

It's just, feel so crazed as like a normal person to be like, okay, let's switch it off and now go in this mode.

是的。

Yeah.

你不可能直接从忙碌的、不停奔波的、待办事项满满的日常模式，尤其是妈妈模式，一下子切换到性感伴侣模式。

You are not gonna be able to make the transition from busy go, go, go to do list day mode, especially like mom mode too, straight into sexy partner mode.

根本不可能发生。

Like, does not happen.

你没法直接从A跳到B。

You can't go from A to B.

所以我总是强调过渡仪式的重要性。

So I always talk about the importance of a transition ritual.

你必须先回到自己，回到自己的身体，然后才能敞开心扉去与伴侣建立连接。

You have to be able to come back home to yourself, to your own body first before you can be open to connecting with your partner.

所以我总是尽量务实，比如你知道，一天中并没有太多额外时间能去泡上一个小时的澡。

So I am always trying to be really practical about stuff like, you know, there's not a ton of extra time in the day to like take an hour long bubble bath.

对吧？

Right?

但如果你能为妈妈们做到这一点，我经常告诉她们，如果你能走进衣帽间，关上门，不看手机，只是闭上眼睛，静默六十秒，这就能成为一个不错的过渡仪式。

But if you can even just have like for moms, I'll often tell them, if you can go into your closet and close the door and don't look at your phone and just close your eyes and have like sixty seconds of silence, that can be a nice little transition ritual.

它也可以是一些小事，比如绕街区散个步，播放你最爱的歌，来一场单曲舞蹈派对。

It could also be something small like taking a walk around the block, putting on your favorite song and having like a one song dance party.

还有一个非常好的方式是阅读。

Or a really good one is reading.

尤其是如果你喜欢读一些浪漫的言情小说。

And especially if you like reading any like romantic Smuts.

或者言情小说。

Or smuts.

是的。

Yes.

阅读很棒，因为你的大脑会投入到阅读中。

Reading is great because it, your brain is engaged in the reading.

这并不是说，你知道的，你不是在关闭大脑，也不是进入一种冥想的禅定状态。

It's not like, you know, you're not shutting your brain off or like going into a meditative zen state.

你的大脑是参与其中的，但方式非常放松。

Your brain is engaged but it's in a very relaxing way.

而且如果你在读情色小说，你也在获得一些刺激。

And if you're reading smut, you're also getting some stimulation going too.

所以阅读是你能做的最好的过渡仪式之一。

So reading is one of the best transition rituals that you can do.

留出像

Carving out like,

如果你只能做到

if all you can do

一分钟，但如果你有五分钟，设定一个特定的时间会非常有帮助。

is a minute, but maybe if you have five minutes, like having that specific time can be really helpful.

好的。

Okay.

我最后一个问题是，我不想只做一个索取者。

My last question is, I don't wanna just be a taker.

我们怎样才能让男性的高潮更好呢？

How can we make our men's orgasms better?

这可能吗？

Or is that possible?

他们的高潮是不是就只是被动地发生？

Are they just like, pass?

我在想，我们真的需要

I'm like, do we need

吗？

to?

对他们来说太容易了。

It's so easy for them.

像什么？

Like, what?

你在说什么？

What are you talking about?

好吧，我们就友善一点吧。

Well, let's just be nice.

我们应该问这个问题吗？这是个好问题吗？

Is there should we is this a good question or no?

是的。

It is.

对。

Yeah.

不是。

No.

我只是在逗你玩。

I'm just giving you a hard time.

是的。

Yeah.

所以我认为，男性常常会说，他们从口交或手淫中获得的高潮更加强烈。

So I think that men will often say that they have much more intense orgasms from blow jobs or hand jobs.

能够专注于自己的愉悦，单纯地在当下接受，这种感觉真的很棒。

There is something really nice about just being able to focus on your pleasure, on just receiving in the moment.

实际上，这对很多女性来说也非常好，因为当我们为伴侣付出时，往往更容易允许自己接受。

And actually, this can be really nice to do for a lot of women because if we give to our partners, it can often feel easier to allow ourselves to receive.

这就像是，嗯，我刚刚为你做了一件事。

It's like, well, yeah, I just did something for you.

现在轮到我了。

Now it's my turn.

因此，这对女性来说是一种很好的方式，可以帮助她们逐渐学会更舒适地接受。

So this can be a really nice way for women to ease into getting more comfortable receiving them selves.

我们有很棒的终极前戏指南，就像 finishing school 一样，步骤清晰、具体明确。

We have great we have our ultimate foreplay guides that just like the finishing school are really step by step, super clear, really specific instructions.

所以这些都非常适合一起探索。

So those are really fun to explore together.

比如，你为你的伴侣阅读相关部分。

Like, you read the section for your partner.

他为你阅读部分，然后你们努力好好宠爱彼此，给对方带来前所未有的高潮。

He reads the section for you, and you guys try to really spoil each other and give each other the best ever orgasm.

男性的高潮有不同层次吗？还是都是一样的？

Is there a level of orgasm for a man or is it all just one?

男性的高潮范围比女性小得多，因为女性的范围要大得多。

There is a smaller range for men than like Female as there's Female a huge range.

而且女性的神经末梢要多得多。

Also, have way more nerve endings.

整个阴茎有2000到3000个神经末梢，而阴蒂则有8000到10000个神经末梢。

So the entire penis has 2,000 to 3,000 nerve endings whereas the clitoris has 8,000 to 10,000 nerve endings.

所以我们实际上比他们敏感得多，我们的高潮范围也比他们的大得多。

So we are actually way more sensitive than they are and the range of our orgasms can be much bigger than theirs.

他们真惨。

Sucks to be them.

我知道，

I know,

真的不会。

really doesn't.

至少还有一件事。

At least there's one thing.

我们一直跟他们谈论我们女性在性方面遇到的挫折，但嘿，我们至少有一项优势。

I we've talked to them so much about the frustrations that we women have around sex but hey, we got one thing.

我们能获得比他们更多的愉悦。

We can have more pleasure than they can.

太喜欢了。

Love that.

如果有一件事是你希望地球上所有女性都了解关于她们高潮的，那会是什么？

If there's one thing that you want like every woman on the planet to know about her orgasm, what is that?

那便是，高潮不会来自性交。

That it is not gonna come from intercourse.

所以，你知道，我刚刚谈到了阴蒂和阴茎之间神经末梢的差异。

So, you know, I've just talked about the difference in nerve endings between the clitoris and the penis.

如果我能稍微当一下科学极客，给大家科普一下，大多数人不知道阴蒂和阴茎本质上是生物上的对应结构。

If I can geek out on you, like a little science geek for a minute, most people don't know that the clitoris and the penis are basically biological equivalents.

当我们还在子宫里作为胎儿时，最初是没有性器官的，大约在怀孕第8到11周，组织才开始分化成性器官。

So when we're all little fetuses in the womb, we start off like having no genitals, and then around eight to eleven weeks, the tissues start differentiating into our genitals.

所以我喜欢把它比作一团黏土。

So I like to compare it to a ball of clay.

我可以拿一团黏土，把它捏成一个杯子，或者捏成一个盘子。

I could take a ball of clay and I could shape it into a mug or I could shape it into a plate.

所以这其实是一团相同的黏土。

So it's the same ball of clay.

我只是用它捏出了不同的形状。

I just made different shapes with it.

这就是阴茎和阴蒂的关系。

That's the penis and the clitoris.

所以，阴茎和阴蒂分别是各自性别中最敏感的部位。

So the both the penis and the clitoris are the most sensitive part of their respective genders.

它们是让我们达到高潮所需要的刺激部位。

They're the thing that needs stimulation in order for us to reach orgasm.

问题是，在异性伴侣中，我们从小认为性交是最重要的事。

The problem is that in male female couples, we grow up thinking that intercourse is the be all end all.

这就像打出了本垒打。

That is like the home run.

那就是所谓的‘全程深入’，被认为是主要事件。

It's the, you know, going all the way that's the main event.

但当我们进行性交时，女性得到的是阴道的刺激。

But when we are having intercourse, we as women are getting stimulation of our vaginas.

而我们的阴道神经末梢并不多。

And our vaginas don't have very many nerve endings.

想想分娩的痛苦程度就知道了。

Like think about how painful childbirth already is.