我为何以这样的方式去爱：四种依恋类型解析

焦虑型的孩子通常成长于非常关爱但行为不一致的父母身边。

Anxious kids grow up usually with very loving parents, but they're inconsistent.

因此，他们会经历真实的——可能更极端——或感知到的被遗弃。

So they go through either real, which can be more extreme, or perceived abandonment.

真实的遗弃是显而易见的。

Real abandonment is the obvious.

比如父母离开家，从此一去不返。

It's things like a parent leaves the home, never comes back.

嗯。

Mhmm.

有人在六岁时失去了父母。

Somebody has a parent pass away when they're six years old.

这类经历会让他们形成一种心态：天哪，我时刻在提防着像森林里熊一样的被抛弃。

These types of things will imprint this individual to be like, oh my gosh, I'm bracing for my bear in the woods abandonment.

对。

Yep.

但很多孩子的情况是，神经可塑性真正有趣的地方在于，当我们反复经历小T创伤时，随着时间推移，它对大脑的影响会与大T创伤非常相似，因为

A lot of children, though, and what's really interesting about neuroplasticity is when we when we experience a lot of repetition of small T trauma, it ends up over time having a very similar impact on the brain as big T trauma because

比如，如果你工作很忙，你的孩子会怎样？

So like if you, your kid, if you worked a lot?

没错。

Exactly.

在这种情况下，我们可能会看到，你有两个非常爱孩子的父母，但他们总是忙于工作，孩子经常只能和祖父母待在一起，孩子就会想：我的父母去哪儿了？

So in this case, we might see things like you have two very loving parents, but they're always working and you're always kind of left with the grandparents and the kids are like, where are my parents?

为什么我不和他们在一起？

Why am I not with them?

为什么我见不到他们？

Why am I not seeing them?

也可能是一个非常温暖的父母和一个非常冷漠的父母并存，这种对比会让人感觉在两者之间被遗弃了。

It can also be things where there's a very loving parent and then a very cold parent and that juxtaposition feels like this sort of abandonment between the two.

所以这类情况会让人产生一种‘我有被遗弃的创伤’的感觉，而他们后来发展出的主要触发点，往往包括：对被遗弃的恐惧、对孤独的恐惧、被排斥、不被喜欢、被拒绝、不被爱、不够好、不安全。

So those types of situations can register as like, oh my gosh, I I have this abandonment wound And the big triggers they develop because a lot of those types of of condition patterns are, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, excluded, disliked, rejected, unloved, not good enough, unsafe.

这些是他们最在意的事情。

Those are like their big things.

当他们感受到这些触发点时，往往会表现出孩子气的行为。

And when they feel these triggers, they often act a little bit childlike.

我这样说并不是贬义，而是焦虑型依恋的人常常会觉得自己像个小孩。

And I don't say that in any sort of derogatory way, but they report anxiously attached individuals report feeling like a little kid.

举个现实生活中的例子吧。

Like, give me a real world example.

比如，这个女人是谁？我们怎么认识她？

Like, who is this bitch, how do we know her in

比如说，假设这是你的朋友，她正在和一个人约会，但对方好几天没回她消息，也没约她下次见面。

So our let's say so let's say it's your your friend and let's say she's dating somebody and that person hasn't really texted her back in a few hours and she hasn't heard from them or they're not asking her on another date.

她可能会哭。

She might cry.

她可能会变得特别黏人、依赖，疯狂发消息、打电话，陷入恐慌。

She might get really needy, really clingy, really like text a lot, call a lot, panic.

她陷入恐慌了。

She's spiraling.

而且她确实如此。

And she's yeah.

她感觉需要有人像父母一样来安抚她。

And she's feeling like she needs, like, a parent to come soothe her.

而他此刻正在健身房。

And he's literally at the gym.

是的。

Yeah.

而且他可能加班，工作很忙。

And he's or he, like, is working late, and he's got a busy job.

而且你知道，很多焦虑型依恋的人都是这样。

And he's, you know, and and so they a lot of anxious attachment styles.

他们总是妄下结论。

They jump to conclusions.

他们就会恐慌。

They panic.

好的。

Okay.

这不是他们的错。

It's not their fault.

对吧？

Right?

因为他们的潜意识就是这样构建的，但最终他们会陷入非常依赖、粘人的情境中，明白了。

Because it's like this they're wiring of their subconscious but they end up in situations where they're very needy, clingy Got it.

好的。

Okay.

压力很大。

Stressed.

在冲突中，他们就是那种类型，这既甜蜜又惹人怜爱。

They're the types that in a conflict, they're the ones and it's so sweet and endearing.

说实话，我以前经常看到一些来咨询的情侣。

Honestly, I used to see couples they've come in.

不。

No.

他们一个是回避型，一个是焦虑型。

They're like a dismissive and an anxious.

回避型的人无法很好地应对即时冲突，我们待会儿再聊回避型，但他们真的很难在当下处理冲突。

And the dismissive can't and we'll get into dismissive, but they can't process conflict very well on the spot.

所以他们会走进另一个房间，关上门，说需要空间，而焦虑型的人则会跟在他们身后，满屋子追着他们。

So they're like going in the other room and shutting the door and saying they need space and the anxious attachment cells following them around the house.

他们简直就想，我们现在就解决它。

They're like, they're literally like, let's fix it right now.

我现在就想解决它。

I wanna fix it right now.

我有种感觉。

I I have a feeling.

我有很强的感觉。

I have a big feeling.

我想把这件事谈清楚。

I wanna talk it out.

我想把这件事谈清楚。

I wanna talk it out.

而他们却说，我现在没法处理。

And they're like, I can't do this right now.

天哪。

Oh my god.

没错。

Exactly.

他们真的很难自我安抚。

And they really struggle to self soothe.

所以他们几乎只懂得安抚别人。

So they pretty much exclusively soothe for other people.

所以他们正是在这种情况下这样做的。

And so that's where they are doing that.

他们并不是故意要踩踏别人的界限，但有时确实会这样。

And they they don't mean to, like, accidentally step on people's boundaries, but they sometimes do that.

这源于一种想法：让我们把它变得更好。

And it's coming from this place of, like, but let's make it better.

这是出于好意的。

And it's well intentioned.

到目前为止，焦虑型依恋的人往往非常有魅力、讨人喜欢、友善且亲切。

And, you know, to to this point, anxious attachment cells are very, like, charismatic and charming and lovely and friendly.

他们确实发展出了很强的社交能力，因为这是他们学会的方式，没错。

Like, they've really developed a lot of their people skills because that's how they they've learned Exactly.

所以他们也有自己的超能力。

To So so they have these superpowers too.

是的。

Yeah.

但正是这部分让事情变得具有挑战性。

But that's the part that makes it challenging.

然后，不幸的是，他们常常选错人。

And then, unfortunately, they often pick the the wrong people.

他们会选择情感上无法投入的人，因为他们的潜意识舒适区就是把自己放在最后。

They pick the emotionally unavailable people because their subconscious comfort zone, how they treat themselves as they put themselves last.

他们总是取悦他人。

They people please.

他们把自己的需求放在一边。

They put themselves on the back burner.

所以，有意识的头脑会说，哦，我们选个健康、有回应的人吧，但潜意识却说，天啊，这个情感上无法投入的人——

And so what's familiar, their conscious mind says, oh, let's pick the the healthy person, the available person, and the subconscious says, gosh, this unavailable person

就像爸爸那样，根本不在身边，也不愿意谈论这些事。

someone just like dad who's not really there and doesn't wanna talk about it.

没错。

Exactly.

就像你成长过程中所经历的那样。

Like That's what you grow oh.

是的。

Yeah.

天啊。

God.

这使得

It makes

很有道理。

so much sense.

好吧。

Okay.

另外两个是什么？

What are the other two?

而连续体的另一端是冷漠型回避。

So other end of the continuum is the dismissive avoidant.

冷漠型回避者有着截然不同的童年。

Dismissive avoidants have a very starkly different childhood.

他们接收到的很多信息是，他们的情绪没有多少容身之处。

And a lot of their messaging that they receive is that there's not really room for their emotions.

他们也没有多少被关注的时间。

There's not really time for them.

因此他们在童年时期经历了情感忽视。

So they go through childhood emotional neglect.

现在，孩子们天生就需要被回应，Uh-huh。

Now children are wired Uh-huh.

他们需要感到安全。

To need attunement, and they need to feel safe.

是的。

Yep.

他们需要被看见，也需要感到自己是特别的。

They need to feel seen, and they need to feel special.

如果孩子得不到这些，就会对他们产生影响。

And if a child doesn't get that, it's going to affect them.

因此，那些在成长过程中被灌输‘孩子应该安静、不要多嘴’观念的孩子。

And so children who grew up in an environment where they're being told, Oh, don't, you know, children should be seen and not heard.

别当爱哭鬼。

Don't be a crybaby.

滚开。

Get out of here.

或者像‘别哭了’。

Or like, Stop crying.

甚至父母有时会表现出厌恶、回避或羞辱孩子的情绪，即使只是轻微的、反复多次地发生。

And even parents sometimes expressing like, you know, disgust or, you know, deflecting or shaming the child's emotions, even just in small doses repeatedly over time.

这种信息会让孩子觉得：好吧，我这部分是错的。

That type of messaging causes a child to go, okay, this part of me is wrong.

有缺陷的。

Defective.

我内心的情感部分，我脆弱的部分，是羞耻的。

This emotional part of me, this vulnerable part of me is shameful.

因此，他们的依恋策略是压抑自己的需求。

And so what they do is their attachment strategy is they minimize their needs.

他们会觉得：我不占太多空间，我不烦人，我不是任何人的负担，我极度独立——这样不仅让我因为不再总是感到被拒绝而松了一口气，而且还能让我更容易建立亲密关系。

They're like, I just don't take up too much space and I'm not annoying and I'm not a burden to anybody and I'm hyper independent, then not only do I feel relief by not constantly feeling rejected when I just choose not to need anybody, but on top of that, it actually gets me closer to being able to attach.

只要我足够独立，不打扰任何人，我就会被接纳和需要。

Like, I'm gonna be accepted and wanted around if I'm just really independent and I don't bother anybody.

因此，这类人通常在很小的时候就深深压抑了自己的情绪。

And so this individual really represses their emotions deeply, usually at a very early age.

成年后，由于他们常常将亲密关系与痛苦联系在一起，亲密关系会让他们感到被困在一种需求得不到满足的情境中。

And as an adult, because they tend to associate a lot of their conditionings as closeness has been painful, closeness really gets you you basically feel trapped in a situation where your needs aren't met.

是的。

Mhmm.

而成年后，有些人则需要更长时间才能敞开心扉。

Then as an adult, there are individuals who they're a little slower to warm up.

他们更注重隐私。

They're a little more private.

他们更疏离。

They're a little more standoffish.

但当你真正接近他们时，很多回避型的人会选择逃离。

But as you really get close to them, lot of times dismissive avoidance cut and run.

他们会觉得：哦，事情变得认真了。

They're like, oh, things are real.

我感受到了情绪。

I feel emotion.

我不该有情绪。

I'm not supposed to feel emotion.

我应该赶紧离开。

I should get out of here.

他们常常在关系中一再地破坏亲密感。

And they tend to often sabotage closeness in relationships over and over again.

他们可能很难真正做出长期承诺或安定下来。

They may struggle to really make long term commitments or settle down.

如果他们确实做出了承诺，通常会经历两次退缩期。

If they do settle down in a commitment, they usually sort of have these two pull away periods.

比如，你们约会的前四到六个月，他们会退缩。

Like, first four to six months that you're dating them, they they pull back.

很大的退缩。

A big pull.

是的。

Yeah.

在进入承诺和蜜月期之前。

Before the before a commitment into the honeymoon stage.

但接着

But then

当你想求婚时，他们会说：绝对不行。

When you want to get engaged, they're like, absolutely not.

是的。

Yeah.

而且，这是第二个主要问题。

And and it that's the second big one.

你能挺过去吗？

And can you get through that?

比如，你能改变一个人的想法吗？

Like, can you change someone's mind?

人们可以选择去努力并积极参与。

So people can choose to do the work and show up.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

所以，你能改变别人的主意吗？

So they can you change somebody else's mind?

他们必须愿意和你一起努力。

They have to be willing to do the work with you.

你知道的。

You know?

有很多人我们确实可以施压让他们做事情，但这并不能真正解决根本问题。

It there's a lot of people we can, yes, like pressure people into doing things, but then it doesn't, like, solve the root of the problem.

通常那些一开始说‘不’，但我们硬要他们去做、并强迫他们的人。

Usually, in people who kinda said no, but we're going to, we're going to, and they pushed.

结果通常还是，那个人在婚姻中依然回避问题。

Usually, it just ends up that that person's still avoidant in the marriage.

对吧？

Right?

于是他们有了伴侣，却依然抱怨婚姻中感到孤独。

So then they have a partner, And then they report being, like, lonely in the marriage.

所以对我来说，最重要的一件事是：你真的在努力吗？

So to me, the number one most important thing is, like, are you doing the work?

比如，你有没有在做一些自我提升的工作？

Like, are you doing some kind of work on yourself?

我遇到我丈夫的时候，他是回避型的。

When I met my husband, he was dismissive avoidant.

我当时也还有一点恐惧型回避的倾向。

I was a a little bit fearful avoidant still for sure.

他也做了一些自我调整的工作。

He had done a little bit of work too.

我们俩都真正地投入了，认真地做了这些工作，然后关系就蓬勃发展了。

And like we both really showed up and like did the work and like thrived.

但对很多人来说，如果一个人没有在努力，我就会说：别轻易承诺，也别强求，如果你现在都没感到满足的话。

But for a lot of people, if one person's not doing the work, I'm like don't don't commit and don't push for something if you don't see that you're actually fulfilled now.

因为如果你现在都不满足，你看到的就是你将来会得到的。

Because if you're not fulfilled now, what you see is what you're going get.

所以你至少要看到一些行为迹象，表明对方正在努力改变自己的模式。

And so you need to at least see behaviors that indicate that that person is doing something to to shift their patterns.

所以，如果有人多年后回到你的生活，说‘我已经做了些改变，我已经成长了，也许还有可能’，但就像你说的，人就是他们本来的样子。

So if someone came back into your life years later and was like, I've done some work, I've changed and like, you know, maybe there's a possibility, but it's sort of like people what you're saying is like people are who they are.

他们本质上就是这样的，除非他们愿意自我修炼，成为更好的回避型、更好的清理型。

They're like kind of wired this way unless they want to do the work on themselves to be sort of the better version of avoidant, the better version of clean.

是的，你会变得安全型。

Yeah, you become secure.

你愈合了，变得安全型。

You heal and become secure.

而且你会在这样的事实上变得安全：你会学会去展现脆弱。

And like you become secure in the fact that, like, you'll learn to be vulnerable.

你会学会感到自在。

You'll learn to feel comfortable.

我知道我还需要完成第四步。

I I still know I have to do the fourth Yeah.

不。

No.

不。

No.

知道。

Know.

但这是一个非常好的问题。

But it's such a great question.

你会看到人们真正地，你知道的，我接触过成千上万的人，但仅从我个人经验来说，比如和我丈夫。

Like, you'll you'll see people truly, like, just, you know, I've worked with, like, thousands and thousands of people, but even just to speak from personal experience, like, with my husband.

他非常脆弱，真的很开放，愿意分享。

Like, he's so vulnerable, like, just so, like, open and shares.

而且，你知道，我之前跟你说过，别往太深的地方想，但我们失去了我们的狗。

And, like, you know, I told you that right before we started and not to go too far down the rabbit hole, but we are we lost our dog.

我真的很抱歉。

And I'm so sorry.

谢谢你。

And thank you.

而且那是在很久之后的事。

And and it was after, like, you know, a long time.

我们一起看了视频，哭了，你

And like we like you know looked at videos together and cried like it you

知道他

know he

感受到了那些情绪，是的，他完全敞开了，所以你会看到人们深刻地改变，但他们必须通过模式化来学习——学会感到安全，这是一种暴露练习，是随着时间推移不断展现脆弱的过程。事实上，我认为当看到两种不同的依恋风格时，关系中最美丽的地方在于：每个人为让关系运转所需做的，恰好也是他们自我疗愈所必需的。比如典型的焦虑型与回避型关系，一方焦虑，一方回避。

felt the feelings yeah he balls yeah so like there you'll see like people deeply deeply change but they have to learn through through patterning that it's safe to like it's it's exposure work it's like being vulnerable over time and and You know and what I actually think is so beautiful honestly about relationships when you see two different attachment styles is that Exactly what each person needs to do to make the relationship work also just so happens to be what they need to do for their own healing if you take like a very traditional anxious avoidant relationship, somebody anxious, somebody avoidant.

是的。

Yep.

我们还有第四种依恋类型，是的。

We still have the fourth attachment, but Yeah.

焦虑型的人，要让关系顺利运转，很重要的一点是学会给伴侣空间，尊重对方的独立性，学会自我安抚，这样才能实现。

The anxious person, like a big part of what they need to do to make the relationship work is learn to give their partner breathing room, learn to respect their independence, learn to self soothe so that that can happen.

而自我安抚对他们来说至关重要。

And self soothing is is wildly important for them.

他们无论如何都会建立起自我感。

They develop a sense self anyway.

并且学会设立界限，调节自己的神经系统。

And their boundaries and learn to regulate their nervous system.

所以这里有这么多美好的方面。

So there's there's all these beautiful things.

而对于冷漠型回避者来说，在关系中，他们需要学会妥协、敞开心扉、展现脆弱并分享。

And dismissive avoidance for for their relationships, They need to learn to make compromises and open up and be vulnerable and share.

这不仅对关系有益，最终对他们自身的疗愈也极为重要。

And so that's actually healthy for the relationship, but that ultimately is so healing for them.

当然。

Sure.

这真的很美好。

So it's really beautiful.

就像，这是一个美好的机会，但你需要意识到，嘿。

Like, there's a beautiful opportunity, but you need to see, like, hey.

有人正在积极采取行动朝这个方向迈进。

Somebody's actively doing something to move towards it.

不一定非得是治疗课程或咨询。

It doesn't have to be therapy courses counseling.

也不一定非得是那样。

It doesn't have to be that.

是的。

Yeah.

关键是他们明显变得更加坦诚，努力以不同的方式沟通，明显试图打破并改变自己的模式。

It has to be that they're clearly being more vulnerable, clearly trying to communicate differently, clearly trying to break and change their patterns.

好的。

Okay.

第三个是什么？

What's three?

跟我们说说这个女人。

Tell us about this bitch.

是的。

Yeah.

那么第四种依恋风格，它是为了什么？

So fourth attachment style What is was it for?

最后一种依恋风格是恐惧型回避。

The last attachment style is the fearful avoidant.

恐惧型回避的核心主题是童年时期的混乱。

So the fearful avoidant is their overarching theme in childhood is chaos.

更像是严重的创伤，以及你通常会看到的那种情况。

So more like big t trauma and sort of a a typical sense that you'd see.

比如，父母有严重的成瘾问题，或者酗酒，又或者父母患有自恋型人格障碍，今天对你狂热示爱，明天却用内疚、操纵和残忍对待你。

Things like having a parent who's an active addiction or a parent who's an alcoholic, maybe a parent with narcissistic personality disorder where you get like the love bombing one day and then the, you know, guilt tripping and manipulation and kind of cruelty another day.

好的。

Okay.

而核心主题并不一定只限于这些情况。

And the overarching theme, it doesn't have to just be those circumstances.

核心主题就是混乱。

The overarching theme is like chaos.

嗯。

Mhmm.

最重要的是，你永远不知道会得到什么。

And most importantly, you never know what you're gonna get.

因此，在这种环境中长大的孩子，他们的依恋策略，就像焦虑型的是保持亲近，回避型的是保持距离。

So children who grow up in this type of environment, their attachment strategy, just like the anxious is to stay close and the dismissive is to create distance.

恐惧型回避型的依恋策略是高度警觉。

The fearful avoidant attachment strategy is is like, I'm gonna be hypervigilant.

我会留意每一个细微的表情、肢体语言和语调。

I'm gonna notice every little micro expression, body language, tone of voice.

这太有道理了。

This makes so much sense.

如果你看过《盐湖城主妇》真人秀，惠特尼·罗斯就是这种类型。

If you watch The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Whitney Rose is this.

她父亲的事，她已经公开谈过了。

Her dad, she's opened up about it.

她父亲是个酒鬼，经常在她的生活中出现又消失。

Her dad is like was an alcoholic, and he was in and out of her lives.

她总是坐在桌边，可能会说：‘丽莎，你为什么露出那种表情？’

And she's the one that sits at the table and should be like, well, Lisa, why'd you look like that?

或者：‘你为什么这么说？’

Or like, why'd you say that?

然后说：‘不，丽莎，你在2016年1月说过那句话’——她对每一件事都记得清清楚楚，极其警觉。

And be like, no, Lisa, you on January 2016 you said that like she remembers everything categorically she's like hyper vigilantly

在追踪每一件事。

tracking everything

那个追踪者。

the tracker

是的，你并不是故意的，对吧？但这甚至不是有意识的行为。

yeah and you don't mean to right But it's not even conscious.

你不得不这样。

It's you had to.

我这些年听到的最好的例子之一是，有人说过，她能从她上楼回房间时的语气判断出，当她妈妈回家时，她能通过妈妈关门的方式知道情况。

I I I one of the best examples I heard over the years is somebody said, I could tell by the way she said she'd be upstairs in her room and she could tell by the when her mother got home the way she closed the door.

她知道，哦，我该把门关上，躲远点；或者哦，我可以把门开着，跟妈妈打个招呼。

She knew she's like, oh, I should close my door and I should stay away or oh, I can leave my door open and say hi to mom's.

你会注意到所有这些细微的、微小的迹象。

It's like you notice all these little That's tiny

你是如何生存下来的。

how you survive.

没错。

Exactly.

所以真正有趣的是，如果你观察这样的环境，比如你提到的惠特尼，你说过她父亲是个酒鬼。

And so what's really interesting is that if if you look at an environment like that, so let's say that that Whitney, who you mentioned, she her dad was an alcoholic, you said.

所以她长大后，假设有一天爸爸回家了，他喝醉了，但心情还不错。

So she would have grown up and, like, let's say one day dad's coming home and he's drinking and he's in a good mood though.

他看起来很友善、很温柔

He's, like, nice and loving

然后他又戒酒了。

And and then he's sober.

是的，没错。

Yeah, exactly.

另一天，他喝酒了，变得可怕、刻薄、残忍，或者别的什么样子。

Another day he's like drinking and he's scary, mean, cruel, whatever it might be.

这就像是你被训练得认为：森林里的熊很友好，但熊也很可怕。

And it's like you get wired to go, Oh, bears are nice in the woods and bears are terrifying.

这就像是你被训练得认为：爱是好事，嗯。

It's like you get wired to essentially go, okay, love is a good thing Mhmm.

有时候，爱也是可怕的事情。

Sometimes, and love is a terrifying thing sometimes.

这会导致一个人变得非常忽冷忽热、反复无常，常常陷入过山车式的恋情，因为他们总是妄下结论，总是往最坏处想。

And what that causes is the person to be very push pull, very hot and cold, very back and forth, and they often become the roller coaster relationship because they're jumping to conclusions a lot, and they're thinking the worst.

他们是很有深度的人。

They're very deep people.

他们不擅长停留在表面层次。

They're not very good at operating at a surface level.

他们常常会深入研究，比如灵性，或者那些关乎生命深层意义的事情。

They often get into, like, deep research or spirituality or things that are, like, about the deeper parts of life.

天哪。

Oh my god.

她让每个人都必须把情绪彻底释放出来。

She had, like, everyone come and have to, like, blow out their, like, emotion.

好吧。

Okay.

这一切都说得通了。

This all makes sense.

抱歉。

Sorry.

一切最终都会回归

Everything is about comes back

但在《Lady Gang》这里，话题总是围绕家庭主妇，好吧。

to housewives here on Lady Gang, but okay.

是的。

Yes.

好的。

Okay.

明白了。

We got it.

所以，是的，你就会看到这样的情形。

And so and so, yeah, that's what you'll see.

于是他们长大后，在关系中常常忽冷忽热、推拉不定。

And so they grow up, and they're often hot and cold push and pull in relationships.

我是个恐惧型回避者。

I was a fearful avoidant.

你知道吗，你给了很多混合的信号。

I, you know, you give a lot of mixed messages.

人们会追着你，心里想着：但这到底是什么意思？

People kind of like chase after you thinking like, but what is it?

不幸的是，这对对方来说是一种间歇性的强化。

And it's a lot of intermittent reinforcement unfortunately for for the other person.

但这是因为你内心其实非常渴望亲密。

But it's because internally you're like, I really want closeness.

然后你真的获得了亲密。

And then you have closeness.

你心想：天啊。

You're like, oh my gosh.

你真的可能会伤害我。

You could really hurt me.

是的。

Yeah.

现在我需要把你推开。

And now I need to push you away.

所以这就形成了忽冷忽热、时近时远的模式，但归根结底，这是你一生中最重要的疗愈之一，因为除非你真正完成这项工作，否则你内心无法获得平静。

And now and so there's a lot of hot and cold and push pull, but ultimately, it's one of the most important things that you can ever heal because you're not at peace internally until you really do that work.

好的。

Alright.

我们回来后，我想聊聊大脑的可塑性，或者类似的东西，马上回来。

When we come back, I wanna talk about the brain plasticity or whatever that is, we'll be right back.

你知道吗，我最喜欢的一件事就是梅西百货的礼物指南。

You know, one thing I like and love is Macy's and their gift guides.

我如此喜欢它们的原因是，购物真的很困难。

And the reason I love them so much is because it's hard to shop.

有人把所有东西都整理在一个整齐的小地方，这太方便了。

And just having someone put it all in a nice little spot.

而我们最讨厌的一件事就是情人节。

And one thing we loathe is Valentine's Day.

所以在这个由梅西百货赞助的小环节里，我们将讨论这两件事。

So we get to talk about both of those things in this little segment presented by Macy's.

对你们来说，完美的情人节是什么样的？

What is the perfect Valentine's Day for you guys?

我的理想是，扎克那天早上走进来，说：今天的一切都交给我了。

Mine would be for Zach to walk in that morning and say, I'm taking care of everything today.

我来帮你洗衣服。

I'm gonna do your laundry.

我来照顾我们的孩子，送他上学并接他放学。

I'm gonna take care of our kid, drive him and pick him up from school.

我来陪他睡觉，今晚给他洗澡。

I'm gonna do bedtime, and I'm gonna bathe him tonight.

另外，这是一套舒适的睡衣。

Also, here's a cozy little set of pajamas.

哦。

Oh.

也许是一瓶不错的身体乳。

Maybe a nice body lotion.

也许是一些能让我在自己浴室里享受的东西，让我放松安静，独自待上二十四小时。

Maybe something that I could be doing in my own bathroom just to get cozy and quiet and just be left alone for twenty four hours.

这真不错。

That is nice.

你知道吗，我受到启发了，因为在梅西百货的情人节礼物指南上，这款礼物是歌帝梵情人节大师之心铁盒。

You know, I'm inspired by this because on the Macy's Valentine's Day gift guide, this gift was the Godiva Valentine's Day Masterpiece Heart Tin.

然后我查了一下，心想，如果克里斯·奈特（Chris Knight）觉得我需要钻石或者鲜花，不，不。

And then I looked it up, and I was like, if Chris Knight like Chris thinks I need diamonds or I need some flowers, No, no.

我想要歌帝梵的心形铁盒。

I want the Godiva heart tin.

是的。

Yeah.

我还想要泡个澡，坐在浴缸里，慢慢挑选各种巧克力。

And I want a bath and I want to sit in that bathtub and I want to choose all the different chocolates.

我是先吃焦糖的，还是先吃核桃的？我要在浴缸里把整个盒子都吃完。

Am I going have the caramel first or the pecan and I'm going to eat the whole thing while I'm in the bathtub.

谢谢你，梅西百货。

Thank you, Macy's.

听起来真棒。

That sounds so good.

我喜欢

I love

一场完美的情人节巧克力大餐。

a good dive of Valentine's Day heart.

杰克，你理想中的情人节是什么样的？

Jack, what's your perfect Valentine's Day?

我的意思是，嗯，

I mean, well,

我喜欢任何形式的冒险。

I love any sort of an adventure.

所以如果杰瑞德真的给我一个惊喜，安排一次冒险，他大概不会这么做，因为他很担心我会讨厌某样东西。

So if Jared actually surprised me with an adventure, which he probably wouldn't, because he gets really nervous that I'm going to hate something.

所以我可能得自己计划一些我想做的事，但之后我特别想回家。

So I'd have to probably plan something that I want to do, but then I would love to come home.

杰瑞德很擅长做饭，我们一直在收集厨房里需要的所有东西。

Jared's really good at cooking and we have been trying to get all of the things that we need for the kitchen.

我们最近买了一台红色的凯膳怡搅拌机，现在看到它还在他们的礼物指南上。

And we recently got the KitchenAid mixer, the red one, and I see it's on their gift guide right now.

我们一直在添置所有红色的厨具。

And we've been getting all red appliances.

我还从梅西百货买了全套红色的Smeg用品，因为我喜欢这种出其不意的红色点缀。

I also got all of my red Smeg stuff from Macy's because I love like a pop of unexpected red.

但我刚发现他们有款乐扣乐扣的爱心形状产品。

But then I just saw that they have a le crusade heart shaped.

那不是很可爱吗？

How cute is that?

它是白色的。

It's white.

荷兰烤箱。

Dutch oven.

不，是红色的。

No, it's red.

他们有红色的。

They have a red one.

太可爱了。

It's so cute.

我就想，必须买一个。

And I'm like, need that.

尽管我都不知道荷兰烤箱能做什么菜。

Even though I don't even know what you make in a Dutch oven.

我也不知道能做什么，但前几天我看到一个，就觉得太可爱了。

I don't know what you make in it either, but I saw some the other day and I was like, these are so cute.

我觉得你可能会用它炖个炖菜？

I think I do you make like a stew?

我觉得什么都能做。

I think you could do anything.

你可以在拉克鲁兹锅里做任何东西。

You can cook anything in a La Crusade.

哦。

Oh.

是的。

Yeah.

嗯，这正是我需要的。

Well, that's what I need.

贾里德得给我买一个，作为情人节礼物，因为它太可爱了。

Jared needs to get that for himself for me for Valentine's Day because it's so cute.

我太喜欢这个了。

I love this.

也许他可以给你做一个心形的蛋糕。

Maybe he can make you like a cake in the shape of a heart.

哦，我喜欢这个。

Oh, I love that.

好吧。

Okay.

这很有意思，我本来在想该给克里斯买什么，可能什么也不买，但现在可能受到梅西百货礼品指南的启发，因为我没想到梅西百货还有二手商品。

This is very interesting that I was wondering what to get Chris, and I may get him nothing, but I may be inspired by the Macy's gift guide now because I didn't know they have pre owned stuff on Macy's.

真的吗？

Really?

他们有劳力士。

They have Rolexes.

哇哦。

Woah.

而且价格真的很不错。

And the prices are really good.

所以我发现他们有一款自动Jubilee钻石不锈钢劳力士。

So they I saw that they have this automatic Jubilee diamond Rolex stainless steel.

我当时就想，买一款劳力士或者在梅西百货买二手珠宝，感觉真不错。

And I was like, I feel very like good about buying a Rolex or a pre owned something for Macy's.

他们可是懂行的。

Like, they know what's up.

哇哦。

Wow.

但我得说，我想要梅西百货那款三克拉钻石的内外圈耳环。

But I'm gonna say that I would like the Macy's three carat diamond in and out hoop earrings.

我喜欢简约的耳环，也喜欢珠宝。

I love a little easy hoop, and I love a jewelry.

所以，克里斯·奈特，如果你在听的话——你知道你肯定在听——你要是运气好，就能收到这块劳力士。

So Chris Knight, if you're listening, which you know you are, you're getting the Rolex, if you're lucky.

而且，我还想要那副钻石耳环。

And, I would like the diamond earrings.

很可爱。

Cute.

我和贝卡一样，想要Godiva情人节巧克力。

I I'm with Becca, like, want the Godiva Valentine's Day chocolates.

谁不想要呢？

Who doesn't?

那就是

That's what

我们喜欢梅西的原因是，很难搞清楚自己到底想要什么，而这份礼物指南正是为我们准备的。

we love about Macy's is it is so difficult to figure out what the freaky want, and this gift guide is really given to us.

快去macys.com购买他们最受欢迎的商品吧。

So head to macys.com to shop all of their faves.

他们已经为你简化了这一切。

They made it easy for you.

大家情人节快乐。

And happy Valentine's Day, guys.

情人节快乐。

Happy Valentine's Day.

情人节快乐。

Happy Valentine's Day.

Nutrafol为男性和女性提供专属配方，今天由他们赞助Lady Gang，我们非常感激。

Nutrafol offers formulas for men and women, and they are sponsoring Lady Gang today, and we are so thankful.

无论你是产后、更年期，还是采用植物性饮食，都有适合你的产品。

Whether you are postpartum, menopause, if you have a plant based diet, there's something for everything.

你可以在线订购，无需处方。

You can order online, no prescription needed.

自动配送，真是太棒了。

Automated deliveries, it is so great.

通过Nutrafol订阅，你可以最多节省20%。

And with the Nutrafol subscription, you can save up to 20%.

我的头发如此健康、浓密、柔顺，让每个造型都更好看，因为我再也不用担心发型糟糕或脱发需要遮掩的问题。

The fact that my hair is so healthy, so dense, so luscious, it makes every look better because I don't have to worry about having some bad hairdo that we're trying to figure out or thinning that I'm trying to like hide.

这就是为什么我连续六年每天服用Nutrafol，它是排名第一的皮肤科医生推荐的生发补充剂品牌。

And that is why I've been taking Nutrafol for a night for six years, and it is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand.

让你的头发成为你少担心的一件事。

So let your hair be one less thing to worry about.

使用Nutrafol，三到六个月后就能看到更浓密、更强韧、生长更快的头发。

See thicker, stronger, faster growing hair in three to six months with Nutrafol.

限时优惠，Nutrafol为Lady Gang的听众提供首月订阅减10美元，并输入促销码LG Pod即可享受免费配送。

And for a limited time, Nutrafol is offering Lady Gang listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you visit nutrafol.com and enter promo code LG Pod.

访问nutrafol.com，拼写为nutrafol.com，输入促销码LG Pod。

That's nutrafol.com spelled nutrafol.com promo code LG Pod.

Lady Gang。

The Lady Gang.

好的。

Okay.

你之前提到过，大脑是可以被训练的。

You talked about in the brain how you can train.

你能谈谈为什么我们的大脑总是倾向于选择容易的事，而不愿意付出努力吗？

Can you talk about, like, why our brains they go to something that's easy and they don't wanna do the work.

你能解释一下，为什么我们本质上会陷入这些模式吗？

Like, can you just discuss why we're set in these patterns essentially?

是的。

Yeah.

我们会陷入这些模式，是因为我们之前提到过的原因。

We're set in these patterns because it's sort what we mentioned earlier.

一旦你陷入其中，就会觉得：嗯，至少我还能撑下去。

It's like it's like once you're in it, it feels like, well, you've been surviving.

所以这显然有效，而你的潜意识本质上是为生存而设计的。

So this is obviously working, and your subconscious is very survival wired.

因此你会想：这个方法有效。

So you end up going, well, this is working.

那就继续沿用吧。

Let's keep playing it out.

让我们继续重复它。

Let's keep repeating it.

当然。

Sure.

因为你的意识思维更具有分析性和逻辑性，能够评估事物并说：哦，这并不太健康，或者嘿，这实际上在伤害我们。

Because your conscious mind is the more analytical, logical one who can evaluate things and say, oh, this isn't very healthy, or like, hey, this is actually hurting us.

但你的潜意识却说：不，我们一直都在生存，所以这样很好。

But your subconscious is like, no, we've been surviving, and so it's good.

因此，我们常常会回头选择相同类型的主题和模式，因为它们是安全的。

And so oftentimes we'll go back through and choose the same types of themes and patterns because it's what's safe.

而这只是我们的大脑，因为我们的大脑每天必须处理太多事情。

And that's just our brain, because our brain has to, what, process so many things a day.

它没有时间对每件事都进行分析。

It doesn't have time to be analytical on everything.

所以你的意识思维每秒大约接收40到60比特的信息。

Or So your so your conscious mind takes in about 40 to 60 bits per second of information of data.

你的潜意识和无意识共同处理高达每秒十亿比特的信息。

Your subconscious and unconscious collectively takes up to a billion bits per second of data.

所以我们常常会陷入这样的情况：有时候你遇到一个人，人们会说，‘我怎么可能在第一次约会时就知道这个人会是这样呢？’

So we we end up in situations where, you know, sometimes you'll meet somebody and people will say, but how could I have known that on the first date that this person was gonna be this way?

其实，当你第一次见到某人时，微表情、肢体语言、语调——我们会接收大量信息，并且都在快速评估，但并非所有信息都能进入你的意识层面。

Well, when you first meet somebody, micro expressions, body language, tone of voice, like we take up so much information and we're clocking all of that and not all of it's making it up to our conscious mind.

只有极其微小的一部分才会到达你的意识。

A very, very teeny tiny bit of it is.

这就是为什么人们常常说：‘但我当时心里小鹿乱撞啊。’

And that's why oftentimes people say, oh, but I caught butterflies.

感觉那种灵魂伴侣的连接如此强烈。

It felt like the soulmate connection was so strong.

但结果两个月后，对方却把你甩了，原来他是个自恋者。

And then it turns out that like two months later, the person's discarding you when they were a narcissist.

是的。

Yeah.

很多时候，实际情况就是这样。

A lot of times that's actually what's happening.

无论对我们来说什么是熟悉感，我们都会将其等同于安全，即使对方实际上并不安全。

And whatever is that familiarity zone for us, we equate to safety even when that they're not necessarily an actually safe person.

好的。

Okay.

我写了这个问题。

I wrote this question.

当我研究你的作品时，我产生了一个非常有趣的想法，那就是：为什么？

I had a very interesting thought when I was looking at your work, which is like, why?

在《Lady Gang》节目中，我们会观察我们的社群。

So on Lady Gang, we look around at our community.

当杰克在约会时，当我们十年前刚制作这个播客时，我们也会观察自己。

We looked around at ourselves when Jack was dating, when we first got made the podcast ten years ago.

我们会想，为什么我那些如此美丽、聪明、成就卓著的朋友？

And we would be like, Why are my friends that are so beautiful, so smart, so high achieving?

为什么她们经常允许自己并吸引那些情感上不可得的伴侣？

Why do they so often allow themselves and attract these emotionally unavailable partners?

当你看到，天啊，她这么聪明，却做出这么愚蠢的人生决定时，是怎么回事？

And like, you know, when you're like, God, she's such a smart girl and she makes such dumbass decisions for her life.

这到底是为什么？

Like, what is that and why?

这是依恋风格的问题吗？

Is that attachment style?

是的。

Yeah.

这是个非常好的问题。

That's such a great question.

完全正确。

A 100%.

最有可能这样做的两种类型是焦虑型和恐惧型回避型。

So the two that are most likely to do that are the anxious and the fearful avoidant.

有趣的是，你所说的那种人正是情感上的过度承担者。

And what's so interesting is the exact archetype of person you're talking about is, like, the emotional overfunctioner.

他们总是想：我要完美地满足每个人的期望。

They're like, let me be so perfect up to everybody's standards.

我要在关系中绝不犯任何错误。

Let me never make, you know, any mistakes in relationships.

我要给自己施加所有这些压力。

Let me put all of this pressure on myself.

我要确保我身边每个人的需要都得到满足。

Let me make sure everybody's needs around me are taken care of.

我要确保每个人都被看见、被听见。

Let me make sure that everybody is seen and heard.

所有这些关注都集中在外部。

And there's all of this external focus.

嗯。

Mhmm.

而这却是以牺牲自己为代价的。

And it comes at the expense of yourself.

对吧？

Right?

比如，安全型依恋的人学会在关心他人的同时也关注自己，因为他们童年时这样做是安全的。

Like, securely attached people learn to consider themselves while considering others because they had a childhood where that was safe to do.

但对于其他依恋类型，尤其是焦虑型和恐惧型回避型的人，他们不得不专注于取悦他人、赢得他人好感，或努力在环境中保持安全。

But for other attachment cells, especially the anxious and fearful avoidants, they had to be focused on like people pleasing or winning people over or trying to stay safe in their environment.

他们过度专注于他人。

They hyper fixate on others.

如果你看看那些总是情感过度付出的人，他们给自己施加了所有压力、所有期望，那种不断推自己、催促自己、不停前进的状态。

And if you look at like the the person who's always emotionally over functioning, all the pressure on themselves, all the expectations on themselves, all of that, like push, push, push, go, go, go.

那这个人是谁呢？

Well, who's that?

谁在做出牺牲？

Who like, what's the sacrifice?

那代价是什么？

What's the trade off?

就是你。

It's you.

这就像你该说：嘿，这些是我的需求。

It's like your time to say, hey, these are my needs.

这是我需要占据空间的地方。

This is where I need to take up space.

这些是我的感受。

This is these are my feelings.

我也有这些感受。

I have them too.

这就是那种完全没有空间容纳这些的典型人物。

Like, that's the archetype of person where there's just not room made for that.

那么，他们的潜意识舒适区是什么？

And so what's their subconscious comfort zone?

我要选择那些会像我对待自己一样对待我的人。

It's, oh, let me also pick people who are gonna treat me the same way I treat myself.

他们会把我放在最后。

They're gonna put me last.

他们其实不会真的在那儿。

They're not really gonna be there.

他们根本不会注意到我也有需求。

They're not gonna really notice that I have needs.

在关系中，他们通常是索取者多于给予者。

And they're gonna be usually takers more than givers in a relationship.

这简直说的就是我，不过我们正在努力改善。

Oh, it's me to a T, but we're working on it.

不，我觉得这太有意思了，我喜欢你给出的这种思考方式，而不是像有时候那样，当你在关系或工作中做出糟糕的决定时，只是觉得自己‘我真蠢’。

No, I think it's so interesting, and I like that you're giving us a just a thought instead of sometimes with when you make these poor decisions for yourself in relationships at work or whatever it is, you're just like, oh, I I'm just dumb.

我只是应该做得更好。

Like, I just should be better.

我觉得我喜欢这项工作以及你在个人发展学校和这些课程中所做的，是因为你给了我们允许自己对自己温柔一点的许可。

And I think what I like about this work and what you do at the personal development school and these courses is you give us permission to be gentle on ourselves.

而且，你知道，你并不是在说，嘿，这都是你父母的错。

And, you know, and and again, like, don't think you're necessarily saying, hey, it's your parents' fault.

比如，如果父母是成瘾者，那确实很不幸。

Like, obviously, if your parent was an addict, that was unfortunate.

而且，也许这确实是父母的错。

And like, maybe it is your parents fault.

但我是一个有两位充满爱的父母的人，我在八十年代长大，是九十年代的孩子。

But like, I'm someone who I have two loving parents who I grew up in the eighties, child of the nineties.

那时候的育儿方式是不一样的。

Like, it was a different time in parenting.

我是个钥匙儿童。

Like, I was a latchkey kid.

我父母都全职工作。

My parents were both working full time.

他们只是想为我们提供生活所需。

They were trying to provide for us.

他们努力实现那种加拿大式的梦想：买房、贷款、买车。

They were trying to live this like Canadian dream of like, get the mortgage, get the house, get the cars.

而且你知道，我经常得自己照顾自己。

And like, you know, I was left to my own devices a lot, you know?

因此，我从来都不是那种想完美地对待每个人、以免成为麻烦的人。

And so because of that, I think I never I'm like that person who's like, let me show up perfectly for everyone so that I'm not a problem here.

你知道，我不想再增添任何负担。

You know, I don't want to add another.

我有个弟弟，他有点……有点特别。

I have like a brother who's a little bit a little bit.

我弟弟有精神疾病。

My brother's mentally ill.

所以我就决定，我绝不能成为任何人的负担。

And so it was like, I'm just not going to be a problem for anyone.

我会在每件事上都表现得完美无缺，哪怕是以牺牲自己为代价。

I'm going to show up perfectly in everything I do at my own expense.

对。

Right.

但当你进入这种工作状态时，如果我妈妈听到这个播客，她会说：‘我已经尽我所能了。’

But like when you go into this work, then like if my mom's listening to this podcast, she's like, well, I tried the best I could.

你懂我的意思吧？

You know what I mean?

我只是想，减轻一下压力。

And like, I just I want to, like, take the pressure off.

你为孩子所做的一切，都在以某种方式塑造着他们。

Everything you're doing for your kids is them up in some way.

你懂我的意思吧？

Like, you know what I mean?

根本不存在完美的父母。

Like, there is no perfect parent.

像我们所有当妈妈的女性群体此刻都在听着呢。

Like, all of our lady gang moms are listening right there.

天啊。

Like, oh my god.

我孩子哭了，但我没有过去和他聊聊这件事。

My kid cried, and I didn't go to them and have a conversation about it.

他会变得回避型，永远找不到幸福吗？

Are they gonna be avoidant and never find happiness?

你能不能只是……

Like, can you just?

是的。

Yes.

你明白我的意思吗？

Like, do you know what I mean?

我们能不能别给自己这么大压力？

Can we can you take the pressure off us?

因为我觉得我不希望我妈妈感到难过。

Because it feels like I don't want my mom to feel bad.

她已经尽力了。

She did the best she could.

你懂的？

You know?

百分之百。

100%.

所以这里有两个主题。

So there's two themes here.

第一个主题是，如果你是正在经历这一切的成年人，这不是你的错，所以你可以对自己温柔一点，但这是你的责任，因为只有你能解决它。

Theme number one is that if you're the adult who's going through this, it's not your fault so you can be gentle to yourself, but it is your responsibility because only you can fix it.

这是你现在的思维模式。

It's your wiring now.

你作为成年人所承受的是一种条件反射，而改变这些模式并不难。

It's your conditioning you're living with as an adult, and it's not hard to change these patterns.

这只需要在短时间内付出一点承诺。

It just requires like a little bit of commitment across a short period of time.

另一方面，这也是我经常被问到的问题之一。

The flip side of it is it's one of the most common questions I get.

比如，我的最好的朋友，她有时每周会给我打一次电话，说：‘我刚刚又说了这样的话。’

It's like, like I, my, my best friend, she'll call me sometimes, you know, once a week and be like, I just said this.

她是个特别棒的妈妈。

She's like the best mom.

她太出色了。

She's incredible.

她每周都会给我打一次电话。

And she'll call me once a week.

她说完这句话，结果说错了，就那样做了。

Said this and it came out wrong and did it.

天哪。

Oh my gosh.

我的孩子会受到影响吗？

Are my kids gonna be affected?

他们完蛋了。

They're ruined.

我说，不会的。

I'm like, no.

其实这本质上是一种数字游戏。

What it is is it's a it's essentially kind of a numbers game.

这就像一个比例问题。

Like, it's a ratio thing.

如果你作为父母，在85%的时间里都能陪伴孩子、稳定可靠、尽你所能、真正地与孩子在一起，那么你的孩子很可能会成长为一个有安全感的孩子。

So if you're a parent and 85% of the time you're showing up and you're solid, you're consistent, you're doing your best, you're you're pretty present in your with your kids, then you're gonna end up having a really secure kid.

如果你把这个比例降到50%，也就是一半一半，是的，你的孩子更可能形成不安全的依恋模式。

If you get that number down to 50% and it's fifty fifty, yeah, you're gonna have a kid who who's more likely to have an unsecure attachment style.

如果你只有40%的时间在场，60%的时间分心、玩手机或做其他事情，是的，这确实会影响你的孩子。

If it's 40% of the time you're present, 60% of the time you're distracted or you're on your phone or you're doing these things, yes, that will affect your children.

但条件反射是时间累积下的重复加上情绪。

But conditioning is repetition plus emotion over time.

所以，无论我们经历什么，如果你是一位出色的母亲，但有一天你正经历困难，情绪失控，对着后座哭闹的孩子大喊大叫，然后你心想：天哪，自责并不会让你好受。

So whatever experiences we have, if you are an amazing mother and then one day you're going through a hard time and you lose it and you yell at your kid who's crying in the back seat and then you're like, oh my gosh, it doesn't help you to guilt yourself.

自我责备也于事无补。

It doesn't help you to beat yourself up.

真正有帮助的是对自己说：我只是一个普通人。

It helps you to be like, I'm a human.

我也有自己的问题。

I have my own stuff.

同时，向孩子坦诚承认这一点也很重要。

It helps you to also acknowledge it to your kids.

对不起。

Hey, I'm sorry.

我并不完美。

I'm I'm imperfect.