如何在任何场合都保持从容：硅谷缺失的礼仪指南 | 萨姆·莱辛

原因在于，这至少提供了一种合理的否认空间，即利用社交情境来规避一些不太得体的行为，从而提升社交礼仪。

The reason is but it's it's at least enough plausible deniability of, like, semi bad etiquette that leverages the social situation to be a better etiquette.

对吧？

Right?

这作为一个细微的线索，是值得思考的。

That it's it's a useful thing to think about as a small cue.

什么？

What?

我记名字特别差。

I'm so bad at remembering names.

我觉得我可能有医学问题。

I, like, I think I have a medical issue.

嗯，是的。

I Yeah.

就是记不住名字。

Just can't remember names.

这个技巧本身就已经非常好用了。

So this tip alone is so good.

为了进一步强调一下，你描述的这种方法几乎有两种方式。

And just to reinforce it, so there's almost like two ways to do this is what you're describing.

一种是说，我妻子的名字叫米歇尔。

Either it's like, my wife's name is Michelle.

所以你会说，嘿，米歇尔。

So it's like, hey, Michelle.

来，认识一下我妻子，米歇尔。

Meet my wife, Michelle.

然后对方会说，哦，我叫鲍勃。

And then they're like, oh, I'm Bob.

很高兴认识你，米歇尔。

Nice to meet you, Michelle.

或者，你可以让场面更尴尬一点，直接说，米歇尔，认识一下，然后就停在那里。

Or it's like make it a little more awkward of just like, Michelle, meet, like like and then let it hang.

是那个是那个

Is that is that the

米歇尔，我想给你介绍一下。

Michelle, wanna introduce you.

对吧？

Right?

或者类似这样的话。

Or something like that.

我想，比如说，你知道的，类似这样的话。

I wanna, like, something like, you know, something like that.

或者我想把你介绍给米歇尔。

Or I wanna introduce you to Michelle.

你要看着他们的眼睛。

You look at them in the eye.

对吧？

Right?

然后你的妻子会说：嗨，我是米歇尔。

And then and then your wife be like, hi, I'm Michelle.

提醒我你的名字，或者说是很高兴认识你， whatever 最后会变成那样。

Remind me your name or it's nice to meet you or whatever it ends up being.

听我说，我来自沃斯堡，我其实有个家族遗传的临床问题，就是脸和名字认不出来。

Look, I also Fortisworth, I actually have such a clinical problem on name face recognition that actually runs in our family.

我有一整套背景故事，你知道，我曾在Facebook工作了很久，很早就深入其中。

I have this whole backstory, which is part know, I worked at Facebook for a long time, was really into it early on.

真的吗？

No kidding.

我想我早期对这个平台感兴趣，是因为那是我第一次在大学里走来走去，觉得认识这些人。

I think part of my early attraction to the platform was it was the first time you walk around college and you're like, know these people.

我只是不记得他们的名字。

I just don't remember their names.

你会想：天哪。

You're like, oh my god.

我有一个可以学习的资源。

There's a resource I can study.

对吧？

Right?

这对我来说是一种非常有价值的社交方式。

Like and this was like a very valuable social thing for me.

我理解你。

So I'm with you.

我也有同样的问题。

I have the same problem.

我觉得很多人都有。

I think a lot of people do.

好的。

Okay.

我们继续聊聊天吧。

Let's move on to conversations.

谈谈，给我们一些建议。

Talk give us some tips.

所以，说到对话，我认为关键还是要欢迎人们加入对话。

So, I mean, on the conversation front, I mean, I think the key again is to welcome people into the conversation.

比如说，你注意一下，有时候这种情况确实会发生。

Like, consider it, you know, there's especially, you see this happen sometimes.

尤其是在存在奇怪的权力关系时。

Especially when there's weird power dynamics at play.

你会看到一些著名的风投或创始人走进房间。

You know, you'll see some famous VC or founder walk into the room.

然后某个年轻的初创者会过去搭话，几乎像围住他们一样。

And then some young startup person will, like, waylay them, right, and, like, kind of almost, like, flock them off.

对吧？

Right?

他们非常兴奋想和这个人交谈，但你也会看到周围还有很多其他人，而你越能包容，心态就越平和，这不是一种稀缺心态。

And they're, like, really excited to talk to this person, but you're like, there's a bunch of people around, and, like, the more you can be inclusive, again, low heart rate, you're not like it's not a scarcity mindset.

这是一种富足心态。

It's an abundance mindset.

我认为这就像是思考对话本质以及如何在房间里展现自己、与人会面时应有的基调。

Like, I think that's kind of like the the tone to think about in terms of like what a conversation is and like how to how to show up at a room and and meet with people.

你知道，我们在书里和很多小组讨论中反复强调的另一个重点是：要提问，但也要有分寸，对吧？

You know, another really big one we we harp on a lot in the book in in kind of a bunch of the panels is like, ask questions but there's a limit, right?

所以，提问是很好的。

So, asking questions is great.

你走进来说，嘿，很高兴认识你。

You're coming in and says, hey, it's nice to meet you.

让我给你讲讲我四分钟的创业推销词，我所做的一切都显得如此自我中心。

Let me give you my four minute startup spiel and everything I've been to is like so self centered.

这有点忽略了对话是一种给予和获取，应该是一种交流的本质。

It kinda misses the point that a conversation is a is a give and a get, and it should be an exchange.

所以当你带着‘我应该提问’的心态去交流，那就很棒了。

And so when you go in with the mindset of I should ask questions, that's great.

做太多就适得其反了。

There is doing it too much.

对吧？

Right?

当提问变得强迫时，我就有这种感觉。

Which is when it's done in a forced way, sometimes I feel this.

你遇到一个人，会觉得像在接受审问，他们只想从你那里榨取信息，却什么也不给你回报。

You you'll meet someone and you feel like it's the inquisition or, like, all they're trying to do is extract information to you and giving you nothing in return.

对吧？

Right?

有时候确实会这样。

Like, this happens sometimes.

所以我认为，这讲的是平衡。

And so I think, like, again, this is about balance.

这讲的是保持平静。

This is about low heart rate.

我认为提问是与人建立联系的好方法，但不要连续问六个问题，一定要确保在某种程度上做到有来有往。

I do think questions are a great tool to engage someone, but don't make it six questions in a row and make sure there's always, in some ways, a give to get.

对吧？

Right?

比如，最好的对话是有人进来时，给你一个想法、一个观点，或引发你的共鸣，就像打乒乓球一样。

Like, if you can come in, the best conversations are coming, someone comes in and gives you an idea or has a point or sparks something that you have it's like a game of ping pong.

当你能对此做出回应，对话就来回往复，充满开放性，对方是在和你互动，而不是单打独斗。

Like, when you can kinda react to it, it goes back and forth where there's openness and they're playing with you, not playing single player.

对吧？

Right?

这几乎就是我对它的理解方式。

It's almost the way I would think about it

在对话中。

in conversation.

所以本质上，它偏向于提问，但并不是百分之百的。

So it's basically indexed towards asking questions, but not, like, a 100%.

是的。

Yeah.

不妨这么想。

Consider almost put it this way.

想象你在打乒乓球，对吧，或者网球，随便什么运动。

Imagine you're playing ping pong, right, or tennis or whatever you want.

把球打回去。

Like, hit the ball back.

对吧？

Right?

这就是问题所在。

That's the question.

对吧？

Right?

然后他们会打回来，你再打回去。

And then they'll hit it back to you, and then you hit it back to them.

对吧？

Right?

就像这样，这才是应有的流畅感。

Like, that's kind of what the flow should be.

如果你连续击中他们十个球，或者你懂我的意思吗？

If you hit 10 balls of them in a row or, like you know what I mean?

或者，你知道的，那种感觉并不是你想要的。

Or, you know, that that's kind of, like, not the vibe you wanna go for.

没错。

Yep.

太棒了。

Awesome.

我们经常谈论匹配词汇。

Look, we talk a lot about matching matching vocabulary.

你会遇到很多不同的人。

You're going to meet a lot of different people.

你知道，你希望让人感到愉快和受欢迎。

You know, you want to make people feel good and welcome.

我不是说你走进房间就开始滔滔不绝地说话，但我的意思是，如果你在和一位大学教授说话，而不是和一个12岁的孩子说话，当他们使用某种词汇水平时，关键是要以一种让他们感到放松和舒适的方式去适应他们，而不是刻意模仿他们，你懂我的意思吗？

You know, I'm not saying that, you know, you should walk into a room and start talking and jibe but like, I am saying like, if you're speaking to a university professor versus a 12 year old, if they're using a certain level of vocabulary words, like, again, the point is to meet people where they're at in a way that makes them feel relaxed and good, not try to, like, mirror them, if that makes sense.

但这里面有一种微妙之处，我认为非常重要。

But there is a subtlety that I think really matters to it.

酷。

Cool.

我再快速指出几个。

There's a few more I'll point out real quick.

与提问这个想法相关，不要一直不停地讲你的完整内容，而是要让人意犹未尽。

Connecting to this idea of asking questions, not trying to give your whole spiel constantly, this idea of leaving them wanting more.

是的。

Yes.

这很重要。

This is important.

我的意思是，归根结底，大多数互动都是这样，比如你遇到了一个你特别感兴趣的人，或者其他什么情况。

I mean, I think in the end of the day, like most interactions, let's say you meet someone you're really interested in or whatever.

如果我们从交易的角度来看，真正的目标是什么？

If we're being transactional about it, what's the real goal?

真正的目标是让对方觉得：哇。

The real goal is to leave people in a position where they're like, wow.

这真是个有趣的人。

That was a really interesting person.

我希望能再次听到他们的消息，或者再次与他们见面，甚至更好。

I love to hear from them again or meet with them again or maybe even better.

偶尔，这种情况会发生。

Every once in while, this will happen.

你会觉得：哇，这真是个有趣的人或想法。

It's like, wow, that's a really interesting person or idea.

有人走过房间对你说：嘿，你真该去和伦尼聊聊。

The person who walks across the room and says, hey, you really should talk to Lenny.

去和萨姆聊聊。

Talk to Sam.

也就是说，你希望让他们觉得：这人真有意思。

Like, that's kind of like, you want to leave them being like, that's interesting.

我喜欢继续这个话题，或者把它延伸下去。

I like to continue this or expand it.

而不是，我听完了这个人的一整段人生故事。

Not, I just heard this entire person's life story.

我再也不想和他们交谈了。

I never need to talk to them again.

对吧？

Right?

所以我认为，关键是留下意犹未尽的感觉，这很重要。

And so I do think there's, you know, again, like, leaving wanting more, right, I think is important.

这既关乎何时得体地告退，也关乎何时适时介入。

And that that is partially about knowing when to excuse yourself gracefully as much as it is about when to enter.

而且，这又回到了丰裕这个概念。

And, again, this comes back to this idea of abundance.

这并不是你唯一的机会。

This isn't your one shot.

你还会拥有其他机会。

You'll have other opportunities.

人们不希望感觉你只是在紧盯着他们，试图要

People don't want to feel like you're just on them just trying to

我跟很多人谈过这个话题，我认为这是一种独特于美国、甚至独特于硅谷的现象。

I've had this conversation with so many, and I think it's a uniquely American and, honestly, a uniquely Silicon Valley thing.

对吧？

Right?

我会进一步说，我们习惯了，尤其是当你年轻时，面对这些重大机会或重要时刻，人们通常习惯了这种稀缺的环境。

I'll go I'll go so far to say that which is, look, we're used to, especially if you're young and these are big opportunities or big moments, people are kind of used to this like environment of scarcity.

这让我想起埃米纳姆的一首歌，他谈到过‘唯一一次机会’。

It, like, reminds me the Eminem song where he talks about, like, a one shot, a one opportunity.

我觉得

I think

哦，埃米纳姆。

it's oh, Eminem.

对。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

这是一首很棒的歌。

It's a great song.

这是一首很棒的歌。

It's a great song.

节奏也很棒。

It's a great beat.

每次在重要演讲前，你都得听一听，给自己打打气。

Every once in a while before a big presentation, you gotta listen to it and pump yourself up.

对吧？

Right?

但事实上，从让人放松、建立关系和礼仪的角度来看，即使你内心深处觉得这真的是我唯一的机会。

But, like, but actually, again, in terms of putting people at ease and building relationships and etiquette, even if in your heart of hearts, you're like, this really is my one shot.

你还是希望展现出自信和从容不迫的富足心态。

You kind of want to show up with the self confidence and the calm of abundance.

不要觉得这会是我唯一的机会。

Being like, is not gonna be my only opportunity.

这是一次机会。

This is an opportunity.

我很兴奋能在这里。

I'm excited to be here.

我全情投入。

I'm engaged.

对吧？

Right?

这是故事的一部分。

This is part of the story.

但这并不是整个故事。

This is not the entire story.

我认为，如果你能提醒自己这一点，就会明白不知道一切也没关系。

And I think if you kind of remind yourself of that, you remind yourself that it's okay to not know everything.

你只需专注于心率平稳、积极参与和眼神交流。

You keep focusing on low heart rate, engagement, eye contact.

你已经走了很远了。

You get so much the way there.

他们还有一个关于如何应对你可能遇到的名人的小贴士。

They also have a tip about how to handle famous people that you might meet.

我的意思是，方法多得是。

I mean, there's so many ways.

我的意思是，关于名人，有很多建议，我觉得通常是这样。

I mean, there's a bunch of tips about, I think, you know, generally famous people.

但我觉得，关键是要避免一味奉承，这基本上就是我的观点。

But, like, I think there's this thing which is, like, not being sycophantic is what I basically say.

但同时，我也觉得，在这场对话中，更准确的说法是不要太过荒谬。

But also, like, you're not being ridiculous is almost the way I would frame it in this conversation.

对吧？

Right?

荒谬的情况是，如果你走到马克·扎克伯格面前，人人都知道他长什么样、是谁，你却说：‘嗨，我是萨姆，你是谁？’

Which the ridiculous is, like, if you go up to Mark Zuckerberg and everyone knows what he looks like and who he is, and you're like, hi, I'm Sam and who are you?

你会想：你在干什么？

You're like, what are you doing?

这简直太荒谬了。

Like, it's like ridiculous.

对吧？

Right?

另一方面，上去说‘你是我见过最重要的人’也是不对的。

On the other hand, going up and being like, you're the most important person I've ever met is wrong.

对吧？

Right?

所以，关键在于一种恰当的方式，这更多是关于风度，对吧？

And so there's a way to just, again, it's it's about grace as much as anything else, right?

要认识到他们也是普通人，而且你是在玩一场重复的游戏，最好的做法是：即使这可能是我唯一的机会见到马克，我也要告诉自己，这并不是我唯一的机会。在理想情况下，当我离开时，我会想，那是个挺不错的人。

And recognizing that they're people and again, you're playing an iterative game and the best thing you can do is say, this is not my only, as much as it might actually be, this is not my only opportunity to meet Mark and in an ideal world, when I walk away, I'm like, that was a pretty nice person.

比如，我可能还想再和他们聊聊，对吧？

Like, maybe I want to talk to them again, right?

现在，如果上去就说：‘给我你的邮箱和电话号码。’

Now, going up and be like, I need your email address and phone number.

这就不对了。

It's like, no.

让他主动提供。

Let let him offer it.

你知道吗？

You know?

像这种事，我觉得很重要。

Like, that that type of stuff, I think, matters.

也许最后一个建议是，你一开始可以说‘很高兴见到你’。

Maybe one last tip is the this you actually start with this one of this line of great to see you.

对。

Yeah.

当你见到某人时，说‘很高兴见到你’，而不是‘很高兴见到你’。

When you meet someone versus, like, nice to see

嗯，再说一遍，伦尼，我和你可能经常用这个，我敢打赌，因为老实说，我们都是根据名字、脸庞之类的来打招呼。

Well, again, Lenny, you and I probably use this all the time, I bet, because I honestly again, we go by name, face, whatever.

这真是一个很难处理的社交情境。

It's really difficult social situation to put someone in.

试着从他们的角度想想。

It just think about from their perspective.

如果你走过去对某人说，嘿。

If you go up to someone and say, hey.

这真的很好。

It's really great.

嘿。

Hey.

很高兴认识你。

It's great to meet you.

你会觉得，我们已经见过五次了。

You're like, we've met five times.

这挺尴尬的，对吧？

It's like quite embarrassing, right?

对你、对他们、对每个人都是如此。

And for them, for you, for everyone.

所以我越来越喜欢这样了。

So, the more I like love it.

事实上，我和我妻子——我结婚多年的妻子，从大学就开始约会了——有个特别有趣的故事，就是我们刚开始约会前的那次。

In fact, I, my wife, my wife of many, many years have dated since college has a really funny story about this which is the first time right before we started dating.

我走过去对她说了句‘很高兴见到你’。

I went up to her and I basically did a nice to see you line.

对吧？

Right?

因为当时我根本记不清我们之前有没有见过面，其实我们见过，而她记得。

Because and I very clearly couldn't remember if we had met before and we had and she remembered.

所以对我来说，这一点很重要，需要记住。

And so for me, this is an important one, right, to keep in mind.

我妻子总是取笑我，说我不记得有没有见过某人。

My wife is constantly making fun of me of saying like, oh, like, not knowing if I've met someone before or not.

她总是说：‘你怎么可能？’

She's like, how can you?

‘我真的不知道该怎么跟你相处了。'

Like, I don't I don't know what to do with you.

这真是个不错的说法。

So that's a great one.

所以那句‘很高兴见到你’很棒，因为无论你是否见过对方都适用。

So the line there is great to see you because it works whether you meet them or not.

没错。

Yeah.

而且again，这是那种事情——听好了，人都是笨拙的。

And again, it's one of those things where here's the thing, people are dumb.

如果你到处对每个人说‘很高兴见到你’，他们会想：这个人可能有很小的概率记不起我是谁。

If you go around saying nice to see you to everyone, they're like, there's a small percentage chance this person doesn't remind me who I remember who I am.

对吧？

Right?

还有其他更可爱的方式，但这样也行。

And there are other ways they're cute, but like, that's okay.

某种程度上，这正是社交礼仪的一部分，就是这样。

Like, that's part of the etiquette dance to some degree is like No.

这没问题。

That's fine.

有问题的是，你说‘很高兴认识你’，但我们已经见过六次了。

What's not fine is, it's so nice to meet you and like we've met six times.

对吧？

Right?

没错。

Yep.

好的。

Okay.

我们来谈谈卫生吧。

Let's talk hygiene.

有几个人让我特别注意。

There's a couple there that stood out to me.

告诉我我有没有漏掉你觉得很重要的地方。

Tell me if I'm missing any that you think are really important.

一个是淡淡的香味。

One is just like subtle fragrance.

嗯。

Yeah.

别闻起来像屎。

Don't smell like shit.

对吧？

Right?

就是别太浓烈。

Like, it's like don't overpower it.

你知道，你不应该闻起来像刚把自己泼满香水一样。

You know, you shouldn't smell like you just doused yourself in perfume.

对吧？

Right?

或者古龙水之类的。

Or cologne or whatever it is.

但你也绝对不应该有异味。

But like, you also shouldn't smell bad.

对吧？

Right?

而且，我觉得你的体味最好是完全不被人察觉，无论从哪个方向来说都是如此。

And like, it's again, your scent should not be noticeable is almost the way I would put it, you know, in any direction.

这根本没有任何好处。

It's it's not you're not there's there's there's no advantage to that.

这基本上就是我的观点。

It's basically what I would say.

顺便说一下，这是个好问题。

By the way, this is a good question.

这些建议对男性和女性都同样适用吗？

Does this advice apply both equally to men and women?

在我们继续讨论的过程中，会不会有什么不同？

Is there anything that as maybe as we go through it

这是个有趣的问题。

So it's an interesting question.

我认为在这本书中，总体来说答案是肯定的。

I think broadly in this book, the answer is broadly yes.

我会说，可能在一月或二月，我们会推出一个我们内部称为‘女性礼仪课程’的课程，因为我的妻子和其他女性说，这很好，但还有很多其他女性需要了解的内容。

I will say that there is probably in January or February going to be a what what we've internally been calling the fem etiquette course because my wife and other women have said, this is good, but there's a bunch of other stuff that women need to know.

所以我目前还无法对此发表意见。

And so I I can't speak to that yet.

我认为在香水方面，无论你的性别如何，你都不希望自己的香水让任何人印象深刻。

I think the fragrance one I would say, I don't think you want your fragrance to be memorable for anyone no matter what your gender is.

太棒了。

Awesome.

这很好。

This is good.

让我先岔开两个话题。

Let me take two tangent tangents here real quick.

其一是，我听说你在播客里讲过关于你孩子的故事，以及这给他们带来的影响。

One is there I heard you told a story on your podcast about your kids and the impact this has had on them.

也许你可以分享一下那个故事。

Maybe share a story there.

好吧，你看。

Well, look.

有趣的是。

Here's the funny thing.

我在做这件事的过程中，真的意识到了。

I I literally have realized in doing this.

我爱我的孩子们。

I love my children.

但他们举止很差。

They have terrible manners.

对吧？

Right?

而且，有些事情他们其实并不差。

And, like, there's a certain things they're, like, not bad at.

但总的来说，我有一个八岁、一个六岁和一个四岁的孩子。

But broadly speaking, I have an eight year old, a six year old, and a four year old.

我真的觉得，哇。

And, like, I'm like, wow.

你们吃饭简直像动物一样。

You guys you guys eat like animals.

你们根本不知道怎么正确使用叉子或刀。

Like, you just, you know, you're you don't know how to use a fork or knife properly.

再说一遍，四岁或六岁的时候，这并不会严重影响他们的人生。

Again, it's not like at four or six, it's not like stopping them well in life.

我心想，如果你们都这样吃饭，我可没法当那个讲究礼仪的人，所以我已经开始把其中一些行为当成挺可爱的了。

I'm like, you, I can't be the etiquette guy if you guys are reading like, so I've I've been putting in some of them as being really cute.

还有一些则特别搞笑，比如我六岁的孩子每次我妻子上桌时都会站起来，从礼仪角度来看，这有点过时了。

Others have been really funny like my six year old has started standing whenever my wife comes to the table, which is kind of arcane from an etiquette perspective.

你可以争论这是否还算是真正的礼仪。

You can argue about whether it's actually even really etiquette anymore or not.

但如果你非常正式的话，当一位女士来到餐桌时，你应该站起来。

But if you're being really formal, when a woman comes to the table, you stand.

对吧？

Right?

让一个六岁的孩子做这件事非常有趣。

It's very funny to have the the six year old do that.

所以在我们家，这很有趣。

So in our household funny.

别急着评判我，一年后，你可以根据我孩子的礼仪来评判我。

Don't judge me yet, but in a year, you can judge me on my children's etiquette.

但可能得写一本儿童礼仪书。

But it might have to be a children's etiquette book.

太好了。

So good.

我认为实际上最后你应该说，无论谁加入你用餐，无论是男人还是女人，你都应该站起来，这是一种现代的思维方式。

I think actually at the end, you say that, whenever anyone joins you for a meal, whether it's a man or woman, you stand up as, like, a modern way of thinking about

我觉得这样说可能更好。

That might be better, is what I would say.

我要说，我们餐桌上的这个话题一直是个持续的、有点好笑的争论。

I will say the the it's a it's an ongoing somewhat hilarious debate at our dinner table.

我现在只是想让他们别像野兽一样用刀叉，但我们正在努力。

I'm just trying to get them to like not use a fork and knife like animals right now, but we're on it.

我们正在逐步改进。

We're working on

我刚才就在谈这个，我刚听了泰勒·科恩和亚历克斯·艾莉森·戈普尼克的播客。

I was just speaking of that, I was just listening to Tyler Cohen head, Alex Alison Gopnik on

好的。

Okay.

她研究儿童。

Podcast, and she studies kids.

她的核心观点是孩子像科学家一样学习，她还详细阐述了孩子们如何通过不断实验，直到找到有效的方法来使用叉子。

And she her whole thing is how kids learn like scientists, and she has a whole thing about how they figure out how to use a fork by just, like, experimenting until something works.

对。

Right.

清楚地说，他们能够自己吃饭。

Like, to be clear, they're able to feed themselves.

有效。

It works.

但你一看，就会想：你在干什么？

But it's like you look at it, and it's like, what are you doing?

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

好吧。

Okay.

另一个离题的话题是，你还没分享你实际上已经给创业者上过的课。

The other tangent is you didn't share the class you actually taught to founders already.

所以，能不能稍微讲讲你教的那门课？

So maybe share a little bit about class you taught.

嗯。

Yeah.

在写书之前，我们专门为YC的创始人开设了一门课。

So, I mean, the before the book, we did a we did a class specifically initially for YC founders.

对吧？

Right?

部分原因是盖瑞对此非常生气。

Partially because YC, Gary's head got very mad about this.

我说，好吧，那我现在必须得做了。

I'm like, well, now I have to do it.

对吧？

Right?

因为这真的很有趣。

Because that that's very funny.

但没错，我们基本上给了他们所有的结业证书，但确实开了一门课。

But but but yeah, we basically, you know, we gave them all certificates of completion, but we did a class.

我们举办了这门课。

We hosted it.

地点在四季酒店。

It was at the Four Seasons.

我们做了一些有趣又有点不拘一格的事情。

We did some stuff that was fun and a little bit irreverent.

比如请了一些非常讲究的威尔克斯·巴舍尔人士带着模特来，谈论不同场合的着装，这种做法有点调侃，但非常有趣。

Like, we had some very fancy Wilkes Basher people come in with models and show up, talk about dress at different of events and things like that which is kind of tongue in cheek but but a lot of fun.

我们还做了鱼子酱和葡萄酒品鉴之类的活动。

We also did like caviar and wine tasting type stuff.

但我们也花了很多时间专注于真正核心的内容，对吧？

But then we also spent a lot of time focusing on like the actual meat of the matter, right?

比如如何保持低心率，如何拥有富足的心态，像直视他人、握手这类基本技能，还有如何用餐才能表现出尊重等等。

Which is things like how to show up with a low heart rate, how to have an abundance mindset, you know, basic skills like looking people the eye, shaking hands, you know, how to eat like this shows that you're being respectful, things like that.

你认为陈一舟为什么对此如此生气？

Why do think Gary Tan was so mad at it?

是因为他认为这是浪费时间，不值得做，而不是直接去打造一个成功的产品吗？

Is it because he's like, this is a waste of time, not worth it versus like, just build a thing that's successful?

我不知道。

I don't know.

我的意思是，我其实不太理解是什么让陈一舟生气，但这没关系。

I mean, I don't really understand what makes Gary Tan mad, and it's fine.

但从我的角度来看，我认为，是的，某种程度上，坦白说，这带点调侃的意味。

But, like, from my perspective, I think, yeah, I think he's just, like in some ways, again, to be clear, it's a little tongue in cheek.

我们有点在调侃YC创始人出来后表现得像野兽一样。

We're a little bit making fun of the fact that YC founders do come out a little bit like animals.

对吧？

Right?

我见过他们很多人。

There's, like, having met with many of them.

我想这也不是他们的错。

I guess not their fault.

他们都是些年轻的孩子。

They're, like, young kids.

他们几个月来一直关在房间里写代码，脑子里想的全是这个。

They've been holed up in a room coding, and that's all they've been thinking about for months or whatever.

所以，当他们来你办公室路演时，比如喝杯咖啡，然后就把杯子留在桌上，也不问你该放哪儿。

And so, like, when they show up at your office to pitch you and, you know, they get a coffee or something, and then they, like, leave it on the table and don't ask you where to put it.

这是一种微妙的迹象，表明他们对周围环境缺乏觉察，你可能知道也可能不知道，但我认为这很有价值。

It's a subtle sign of, like, not being aware of your broader environment that you may or may not know, but, like, I think it's valuable.

也许他们会认为，这是不该关注的事情。

Maybe they're like, this is the wrong thing to focus on.

我只是觉得，这挺搞笑的。

I just think funny as much as anything else.

我非常喜欢。

I love it.

好的。

Okay.

关于卫生方面，还有别的吗？

So on the hygiene thing, is there anything else?

我觉得卫生这件事意味着你应该去读这本书。

I think the hygiene stuff mean, you should get the book.

我觉得这都是些相当明显的卫生细节。

I think it's, like, fairly obvious hygiene stuff.

比如，别弄得一身脏污。

Like, don't be covered in schmutz.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

要懂得尊重。

Like, show respect.

试着预判一下房间的着装风格，别穿得过分正式或太过随意。

Try to anticipate how the room is gonna be dressed, and, like, don't massively overdress or underdress.

就像你穿着燕尾服去参加商务休闲活动，你知道，你就是在刻意吸引注意。

It's like if you show up to a business casual thing in a tuxedo, you know, you're you're like, you're kinda trying to stand out.

别从这个角度让人记住你，但你也别从另一个方向让人记住。

Don't be memorable from that perspective, but you also don't wanna be memorable in the other direction.

哇哦。

It's like, wow.

那个人真的完全不尊重场合。

That that person, like, really has no respect the room.

实际上，你说到下一个类别了，就是着装，我对此很感兴趣。

This actually you're getting to the next category, which is dress, which I'm excited about.

是的。

Yeah.

我的意思是，着装嘛，你看。

I mean, dress like, look.

我得再说一遍，了解规则，但不要总是遵循它们。

I gotta say, again, in terms of know the rules, but don't always follow them.

我刚大学毕业找到第一份工作时，是贝恩公司的初级顾问。

When I my first job out of college, I was an associate at Bain and Company.

对吧？

Right?

这是一家咨询公司。

This is like a consulting firm.

当时有类似商务休闲的着装要求。

And there was, like, a business casual.

我渐渐意识到，虽然有最低着装标准，但并没有最高着装限制。

And I kind of came up with the snarky realization that there was a minimum dress code but there wasn't a maximum dress code.

于是，我在咨询公司里以一种小小的反叛方式开始实行‘燕尾服星期二’，所有初级顾问都穿燕尾服上班，结果他们因为觉得我们穿着燕尾服而不带我们去见客户。

So, I started in the office as somewhat of a mini rebellion in the consulting firm, what we call Tuxedo Tuesdays where all the associates would wear tuxedos to work, which then mean we didn't have to go to the client meetings because they would never take us to client meetings and tuxedos.

所以，好吧。

So it's like, okay.

你知道规则，但目的是为了打破它们。

Like, know, again, you know the rules to break them.

这很有趣。

It was fun.

但从着装角度来看，我觉得关键是整体得体，看起来你很在意，付出了努力，但别过度，这其实就是最简单的着装原则。

But I, you know, I do think from a dress perspective, again, I think the real thing is like, look put together, look like you cared, look like you made some effort, but you don't don't overdo it is basically the upshot of the the most simple way to dress.

除非你故意想打破规则。

Unless unless you're trying to very intentionally break a rule.

对吧？

Right?

也许你确实想这么做，但我认为你应该带着对文化的深刻理解去做。

Which maybe you are, but I think you should do that with a lot of cultural understanding.

这么说吧。

Let's put it that way.

我来分享几个我喜欢的小贴士。

So here's a couple tips that I love.

其中一个简单的建议就是穿着比场合要求高一级。

So one is just dress one level up as a really simple tip.

这是一种轻松取胜的方式。

It's an easy way to win.

不是两件，不是三件，就一件。

Not two, not three, but one.

而且很多时候，可以适当简化。

And oftentimes, can, like, reduce that.

比如你穿着西装时，可以脱掉外套，显得没那么正式。

Like, if you have a suit on, you can like take off the jacket and you're less Sure.

没那么拘谨了。

A little less formal.

对。

Yeah.

完全正确。

A 100%.

然后你谈到单品的合身度 versus 品牌。

And then you talk about fit of the item versus the brand.

100%。

100%.

说到底，合身才是最重要的。

Like, like, at the end of the day, fit is everything.

对吧？

Right?

我再重复一遍。

I say this again.

各位，你们的所有听众都必须明白。

Guys, all your listeners have to understand.

我做这件事的一部分乐趣在于，这其中带有一些虚伪的成分，对吧？

Part of my joy at doing this is there is some level of hypocrisy in it, right?

因为，虽然如此，但这很棒。

Because like, but which is great.

就像，你生活中得有点这种心态，就我自己的行为有时候也是这样，但说到底，一件合身的20美元衬衫，远比一件不合身的500美元衬衫强。

Like, you gotta have a little bit of that in your life in terms of how I myself behave sometimes but look, in the end of the day, like, a well fitting $20 shirt is way better than a misfitting $500 shirt.

对吧？

Right?

坦白说，这其实是一回事。

And candidly, like, it's the same thing.

比如，如果你是个初创公司创始人，你确实想穿得跟场合相称，但你也不该打扮得像个土豪，比如戴一块劳力士。

It's like, if you're a startup founder, you do wanna kinda dress to the level of the room but you kinda shouldn't show up and like like you shouldn't have a Rolex.

对吧？

Right?

作为一个初创公司创始人，戴块劳力士来亮相，简直太没品位了，这么说你能明白吧？

It's like a very classless if that makes sense to like show up as a startup founder with a Rolex.

对吧？

Right?

这又回到了心率的问题上——太用力了。

It's just not again, it goes back to heart rates, trying too hard.

你知道，你骗不了任何人，这就是重点。

You know, you're not gonna trick anyone, right, is the upshot.

对吧？

Right?

嗯。

Yeah.

我们品牌的这一部分，以及这件物品的昂贵程度，是一个非常重要的点，我认为人们并没有意识到，即使是一件相当便宜的东西，只要稍微改一下版型，看起来也会好很多，即使它不是最高品质的。

This bit of our brand and just expensiveness of that item is such a big one that I think is I think people don't realize just like it could be a pretty cheap thing that if you get tailored in some small way, it just looks so much better even if it's not the highest quality item.

完全正确。

A 100%.

我的意思是，我可能会换种说法。

I mean, again, I I would have put put differently.

想想普通人，不是世界上每一个人。

Think about the average person, not every person in the world.

世界上普通人的直觉是，看到一套西装，就能立刻感觉到它合身还是不合身。

The average person in the world can look at a suit and be, like, intuitively that seems like it fits the person or doesn't.

嗯。

Yeah.

大多数人根本不知道这些东西多少钱。

Most people can have no idea what things cost.

对吧？

Right?

比如，你知道我说的是什么意思吗？

Like, if you said, like, you know what I mean?

就像，它根本不是，而且在某些方面，这是一种奇怪的现象：如果你穿着一件非常不合身但价格昂贵的物品出现。

Like, it's just not and like so, in some ways, it's this weird thing where it's like if you show up at a super misfitting but very expensive item.

你会想，你到底在传递什么信号？

You're like, what signal are you setting?

这说明你对文化环境根本不够敏感，对吧？

It's like, well, you're not very aware, right, culturally.

你根本没有和周围环境相匹配。

You're not, like, matching the room.

你对当前情况、人们对真正重要事物的优先级缺乏敏感度。

You're not showing a lot of sensitivity, like, to the situation, what people actually can prioritize.

你是不是想通过穿得时髦来给我留下印象？

And it's like, are you trying to impress me because you have a fancy outfit?

我们到底在谈什么？

Like, what what are we talking about?

你另一个建议是，如果不确定着装要求，直接问就好。

One other tip you have is if you're not sure the level of dress, just ask.

对。

Yeah.

这在一般情况下是个大问题，我觉得人们在各种情境下都害怕提问。

This is a big thing in general, which is I think people are afraid to ask in all sorts of situations.

你知道的？

You know?

小到该用哪把叉子这样的事。

Down to, like, which forks should I use?

你知道吗？

You know?

你知道吗？

You know?

或者期望是什么？

Or what's the expect?

比如，问一下完全没问题。

Like, it is absolutely fine to ask.

事实上，如果你不知道，问出来反而显示出自信、冷静和谦逊。

In fact, if anything, it shows a level of confidence and calm and humility to ask if you don't know.

对吧？

Right?

所以我觉得这是一个很好的例子。

So I actually think this is a great example.

询问着装、礼仪或期望绝对没有问题。

There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking about dress, about etiquette, about expectations.

你知道吗，我再次强调，这又回到了给予与获取这个道理。

You know, I don't, again, it goes back to this whole give to get.

如果你打电话给别人，问了他们一百个关于礼仪的问题，到了某个时候，你就会觉得，这可不是一场乒乓球对打。

If you get someone on the phone and you ask them a 100 questions about etiquette, at a certain point, you're like, there's no, that's not a big game of ping pong.

你可以直接打电话问：嘿，这个活动会是什么样子的？这完全没问题。

Like, you're not getting but like, it's totally fine to call and be like, hey, like, what's, you know, what's this going to look like?

顺便说一下，这很重要，因为在纽约和旧金山，人们的期望是不同的。

And by the way, it's important because in New York versus San Francisco, there is different expectations.

人们做事的方式确实不一样，而且你的工作并不要求你了解每一个可能接触的文化的每一个细节。

Like, people do do things different And, like, your job you're you're not expected to to know every nuance of every culture you might enter.

所以，作为关于着装的最后一个问题，你有什么关于穿得得体的建议吗？

So maybe as a final question in dress, do you have any just, I don't know, tips for dressing well?

我知道这是一个很大的问题，专业人士会花时间去教授并收费。

I know this is a big question that a professional spend time teaching and charging for.

我真的觉得，答案是找到你身边那些穿着得体的人。

I really you know, I think the answer is find someone in your universe who you think dresses well.

而且，再次向他们寻求帮助，从那个角度出发，看看什么才是合理的。

And, again, ask them for help and, like, what makes sense if that makes you know, from that perspective.

再次强调，剪裁得体，非常好。

Again, the well tailored, great.

这确实很有道理。

The that makes a lot of sense.

基本款，我可以这么说，比如要有干净、合身的牛仔裤，诸如此类。

The, like, basics, I can say, yeah, like, have jeans that are clean, right, and, like, fit you, things like that.

但当我妻子听到这个播客节目里我被问到着装的具体细节时，她肯定会偷笑。

But, again, when my wife listens to this podcast episode and hears me being asked about specifics of dress, she's gonna she's gonna be chuckling.

很好。

Great.

这真是个成功。

That's a that's a win.

好的。

Okay.

我们来谈谈用餐。

Let's talk about dining.

给我们一些关于用餐礼仪的建议。

Give us some advice for etiquette during dining.

多给小费。

Tip well.

对吧？

Right?

别不给小费。

Don't don't not tip.

别给太差的小费。

Don't tip badly.

你知道的，别太吝啬，好吧。

You know, don't be super stingy about, you know, okay.

谁点的火焰餐？

Who ordered the flambe?

你知道，账单平分就好。

You know, like, split bills evenly.

让服务员做事更轻松。

Make things easy for waiters.

一般来说，别点菜单上最贵的东西。

In general, it's don't order the most expensive thing on the menu.

这真的有关系吗？

Does it really matter?

尤其是对投资者来说，他们真的会在意吗？

Especially to, like, an investor, do they really care?

不。

No.

他们其实不在意，但会注意到。

They don't really care, but they do notice.

你会觉得，啊，你就是那种完全不在乎东西价格的人。

And you're like, ah, you are the type of person that, like, is truly insensitive to what things cost.

即使它实际上并不重要。

Even if it doesn't actually matter.

对吧？

Right?

所以我觉得有一些类似这样的事情。

So I think there are things like that.

葡萄酒也是一样。

Same with wine.

比如，我认为，理想情况下，不要第一个点菜。

Like and then I think, look, in the terms of asking, ideally, don't order first.

对吧？

Right?

因为我觉得，如果你看到一个人是怎么样的，我们先上开胃菜吗？

Because I think if you see how someone like, are we doing starters?

比如，这个饭局会持续多久？

Like, what, like, what, how long is this meal going to be?

在用餐场合中，很多时候你并不清楚该怎么做，而让别人先定调子，然后你跟着模仿，往往会更好。

Like, there's a lot of times in dining situations you don't know and the more you let someone else set the tone and then match that tone, the better.

你的目标最好是处于中间到靠后的位置，这样说你能明白吗？

Like, you kind of want to go middle of the pack to last if that makes sense.

所以，是的，没错。

So this this yeah.

比如，当有人请你吃饭，像是风投、另一个创业者，有人邀请你

So this in the situation of someone takes you out to dinner, like, it's a VC, another felon, like, someone invites

吃饭，或者不管是什么情况。

you dinner or whatever whatever it is.

嗯。

Yeah.

而且你看，我认为，就这件事而言，我觉得很重要的是：你看。

And look, I I think I the way it is, like, in terms of this, which I obviously think is important is, like, look.

在合理范围内，总是主动提出付钱。

Within reason, always offer to pay.

现在，你应该被拒绝，对吧？

Now, you should be turned down, right?

如果你和一位风投家出去吃饭，对吧？

If you go out with a VC, right?

然后你拿出一张卡。

And you're like, you know, you put a card down.

99%的情况下，他们会说：我来付。

99% of the time, they'll be like, I got this.

拜托，别担心这个，对吧？

Like, please, like, this is, don't worry about it, right?

这样才是正确的态度。

And like, that's the right vibe on it.

如果这顿饭只花10美元，而他们点了一瓶超贵的葡萄酒，你就没必要这么做。

You do not need to do this if it's a $10.00 dinner if they've ordered a super expensive bottle of wine.

这种事情是有界限的，对吧？

Like, there are there are limits to this, right?

但如果你在正常情况下吃一顿普通的饭，你不需要提出AA制。

But if you go out to a normal dinner in a normal situation, you don't offer to split it.

你直接提出请客就行了，对吧？

You just offer to pay for it, right?

然后，你知道，对方应该会婉拒你的好意。

And then, you know, you should be declined on that.

但这里有一点风险，因为有些人可能不会拒绝你，那你就不得不买单了。

But you there is a little bit of a risk there because someone might not decline you and then you kind of are on the hook for it.

但我认为，这才是礼貌的做法，也是得体的处理方式。

But that is, I think, the the polite thing and the polite way to approach it.

如果对方是个亿万富翁呢？

What if they're just like a like a billionaire?

我刚和一位非常成功的风投人士共进晚餐，我觉得提出买单根本没意义，这

I just had dinner with like a very successful VC and I did not feel like offering to pay made sense, which

但还是要看具体情况，没错。

you still It depends what yeah.

实际上，我认为这取决于具体的情况。

I actually would I think it depends what the dynamic is.

如果那位亿万富翁点了一瓶10美元的葡萄酒，你就没必要主动付钱，对吧？

If the billionaire ordered a $10.00 bottle of wine, you don't need to offer, right?

如果你吃的是顿普通的饭，对吧？

If you had a normal meal, right?

实际上，我觉得主动提出付钱很棒，他们几乎肯定会说：当然不用，对吧？

I actually think it's great to offer and they'll almost certainly be like, of course not, right?

但我要告诉你一个有趣的故事，就是当你和特别有身份的人一起吃饭时，对吧？

But I will say, you know, I'll tell you a funny story, which is like, when you go out to with dinner to really fancy people, right?

或者像那种你明白的，这里有两种有趣的情况。

Or like, somebody who's like, you're, you know, there are two interesting dynamics.

一种是，我认为，主动提出付钱甚至真的买单其实特别好，因为现实是，如果你仔细想想，他们显然不在乎钱，但没人这么做，对吧？

One is, it's actually, I think, especially nice to offer and even sometimes pay because the reality is if you think about it, they obviously don't care about the money but no one does that, right?

比如，他们会想：显然你应该付钱，所以你越说‘不不，这次我请客’，就越像是在表达平等对话的态度，我很乐意请客，或者干脆大方地买单。

Like, they're like, well, clearly, you should pay and so the more you're like, oh no, like, I like, I'm treating us like, this is a conversation in equals and like, I'd love to offer or just pay as big.

第二件重要的事是，如果你和一位非常非常有名的人外出用餐，你必须给小费给得特别多，因为这个问题是这样的。

The The second thing which is important is if you're especially if you're out to dinner with someone who's very very well known, you have to tip like crazy because the problem is, this is like one thing.

这不在书里。

This is like a, this is not in the book.

这就像一门201课程，对吧？

This is like a two zero one course, right?

但如果你和那些知名或相对知名的人外出用餐，你主动买单并不是因为他们显然不差钱。

But if you go out to someone that were like, okay, they're either known or relatively known known and you're making the gesture of buying it not because they obviously don't cover the money.

而是因为这种举动本身很得体，你愿意提出买单。

It's more like the gesture that's nice that you would offer that.

你得按照他们会给的小费标准来给，而他们通常会给账单的100%作为小费。

You kind of have to tip the way they would tip and they're gonna tip, like, a 100% of the bill.

对吧？

Right?

因为，这仅仅是正确该做的事。

Because, like, it's just, like, the right thing to do.

所以我觉得，如果你要这么做，真的必须给小费大方一点。

And so I do think you like, if you're gonna do that, you really have to tip well.

明白了。

Got it.

说到小费，天啊。

Speaking of tipping, my god.

我非常讨厌小费这个概念。

I hate tipping so much as a concept.

当然，人们理应得到良好的报酬，我也喜欢他们能赚更多钱。

Like, obviously, people deserve to be paid well, and I love that, you know, they make more money.

但这实在太复杂了，我到底该怎么做？

But it's just so convoluted and just like, what the hell do I do?

我从来都不知道。

I never know.

很多。

A lot.

多给小费。

Tip a lot.

好的。

Okay.

就多给小费吧。

Just tip a lot.

我觉得10%到20%是最少的。

Like, I think 10 20% is the minimum.

比如，当你在一家餐厅用餐时，我觉得你最好给小费到那种程度——让人觉得你一点都不小气，这才是我考虑的方式。

Like, if you're out in, like, a a situate you know, I think you kinda wanna tip in my mind to the level of no one you're effectively paying for would bat an eye that you're being stingy is the way I would think about it.

20%我觉得是最少的。

20% feels like the minimum.

有时候给30%。

30% sometimes.

再多就有点奇怪了，但这事儿确实挺微妙的，我再怎么说吧。

Like, more seems a little bit silly, but it's not it is a squirrelly topic, and I just I don't again, let me put it this way.