82 - 我是抑郁了，还是只是圣诞节效应？

欢迎各位女同性恋者来到本期《女同性恋晚餐俱乐部》播客。

Welcome, lesbians, to this week's episode of Lesbian Supper Club podcast.

今天你们将和斯嘉丽一起参与节目。

You are joined by Scarlett today.

如果我听起来有点不对劲，那是因为我确实感觉不太舒服。

If I sound a bit dodgy, it's because I feel a bit dodgy.

我刚从纽约回来，得了严重的胸腔感染和喉炎，可能是甲型流感，后来还发展成了肺炎。

Got back from New York and got a severe chest infection with laryngitis, I think suspected influenza A, and then also what developed into pneumonia.

说实话，这过去的一周半简直太美妙了，你们能想象，我从未像现在这样感到如此孤单——尤其是在床上咳得死去活来，几乎喘不过气，甚至被自己的舌头呛住，心想：如果我现在死了，身边根本没人知道我即将离世。

So it's been a really blissful week and a half, to be honest, as you could imagine, never felt more single in my life actually, other than when I was laid in bed, coughing my fucking guts up to the point where I could barely breathe, found myself choking on my own tongue and thought, if I cock it right now, there's literally no one around me to know that I'm about to die.

那一刻我开始疯狂地哭泣，因为这是一个极其压抑的领悟：咳到嘴唇发紫，无法呼吸，因剧烈咳嗽而吐到自己手上，才真正意识到自己有多孤独。

At which point I then did start crying furiously because it was a really depressing realization to be coughing until your lips go blue, not to be able to catch your breath, then throwing up into your own hands from coughing so badly and realizing just how alone you are.

但我们挺过来了。

But we made it through.

我几乎是拼着最后一口气才熬过来的，那句俗语怎么说来着？

I quite literally made it through by the skin of, what is the saying?

现在我的皮肤？

The skin of my now?

我的牙龈的皮肤？

The skin of my teeth?

天知道。

Fuck knows.

我只是勉强撑了过来，但最终还是挺过来了。

I just, I barely scraped by, but I did get there in the end.

所以，是的，那可真不怎么样。

So yeah, that wasn't great.

但我感觉我正好赶在圣诞节和随之而来的庆祝活动前康复了。

But I feel like I'm just recovering in time for Christmas and the festivities which come with that.

不过我觉得，由于用了抗生素吸入剂，我出现了一些奇怪的副作用，现在一直有心悸。

Although I feel like I've got some weird side effects from antibioticinhaler where I just have constant heart palpitations right now.

我已经给医生打过电话了，因为这感觉不对劲。

I have just rang the doctor about it because it doesn't feel right.

就连我睡不好觉的时候，也会因为半夜突然出现严重的心悸而醒过来，之后就再也睡不着了。

Like even when I'm not sleeping properly because I'm waking up with severe heart palpitations, which I then can't get back to sleep from.

所以是的，这情况确实不怎么样，但我感觉我正在好转，应该来得及在圣诞节前恢复过来。

So yeah, that's not been great, but I do think I'm on the app and hopefully recovered in time for Christmas.

这个周末我要和一些朋友去哈罗盖特，还有我生命中的两个小女孩——我朋友的孩子们，这会很美好，因为我觉得圣诞节期间和孩子们在一起很温馨，而且我相信哈罗盖特一定会很美。

I'm going away this weekend to Harrogate with some friends and two little girls in my life, who's my friend's little children, which will be nice because I think it's nice to be around children at Christmas, and I'm sure Harrogate's gonna be lovely.

然后我会回家过圣诞节。

Then I will come back and go home for Christmas.

之后我可能会再回伦敦，处理中间的一些事情。

And then I'll probably come back to London for the bits in between.

然后一月份我要和我爸去埃及，我非常期待，因为我打算在沙漠里玩越野摩托车，这让我特别兴奋，毕竟之前在福尔特文图拉的越野摩托车之旅是我人生中最棒的一天之一。

And then I'm going to Egypt with my dad in January, which I'm really looking forward to because I'm gonna do some motorcross in the desert, which I'm really looking forward to after my little motorcross adventure that I went on in Forcheventura, which was one of the best days of my life.

我简直等不及要在沙漠里体验一次了。

I cannot wait to do that in the desert.

所以请务必给我发一些沙姆沙伊赫的埃及旅行建议。

So please do send any Egypt recommendations in Sharm El Sheikh.

今天我想聊些什么呢？

What did I wanna talk about today?

首先，我想谈谈纽约，那真的简直太棒了。

Oh, first of all, I wanna speak today about New York, which was genuinely absolutely incredible.

两场活动都售罄了，你们中有许多人给我们发消息，希望举办更多活动，并询问是否有额外的票，因为你们之前根本不知道这件事。

Both events sold out and we had so many of you messaging us, for more events and asking if there was more tickets because you guys didn't know about it.

而活动本身，那些夜晚简直令人难以置信。

And the events themselves, the evenings were just incredible.

再次不可思议地，我们找到了与伦敦活动相似的氛围和人们参与的原因，这太棒了。

Again, somehow managed to find a similar vibe to the type of people and the reasons that people come like for the London events as well, which was incredible.

我们在纽约的第一个晚上也同样精彩。

Our first night in New York as well was incredible.

我们在Johnny's举办，现场有大约180人。

We held at Johnny's, there was like 180 of you there.

真是太有趣了。

It was so much fun.

我也想借此机会特别感谢Eliga Mezcal，他们是我们在纽约的首个赞助商，也是我们在美国的首个酒精类赞助商。

And I just wanna take this time as well to say a special thank you to Eliga Mezcal who were our first New York sponsor, our first alcohol sponsor in The States.

你们真是太棒了。

You guys were amazing.

我们非常喜欢Eliga Mezcal。

We love Eliga Mezcal.

如果你还不了解Eliga Mezcal，他们即将登陆英国。

If you don't know Eliga Mezcal, they're coming over to The UK.

如果你在美国听这个节目，还没试过他们的产品，一定要去试试。

If you're listening to this in America and you haven't tried them, try it.

他们的故事非常动人。

Their story is amazing.

他们的龙舌兰酒简直绝了。

The Mezcal is amazing.

这个品牌背后是一群充满善意、温暖、真诚的了不起的人。

The brand is full of lots of incredible, kind, lovely, genuine people.

作为一个品牌，他们不仅为LGBTQ+社群，也为美国和南美洲的本地社区做了大量贡献。

They, as a brand, have done so much for not only LGBTQ plus communities, but local communities around America and South America.

他们的故事非常精彩。

They have such an incredible story.

Eliga品牌从何而来、如何走到今天的背景令人深受鼓舞。

The background as to where Eligao come from and got to where it is today is super inspiring.

我感到非常幸运，伦敦政治经济学院能够与持有相同价值观和叙事的品牌合作。

And I feel so lucky that LSE is able to partner with brands and work with people that hold the same sentiments and narratives that we do.

这些品牌在为各自社区带来巨大福祉的同时，也为其领域注入了无数欢乐与凝聚力。

And that have done so much good for their respective communities whilst bringing so much joy and community in their space as well together.

他们举办了大量的本地活动和音乐活动。

Like they do so many local events, music events.

他们自己也举办了非常多的本地活动。

They do so many like local events themselves.

Eliga已经赞助了众多精彩项目，并支持了无数优秀的本地慈善机构。

Like Illegal has done so many incredible sponsors and supported so many amazing local charities.

能够与秉持正确理念的品牌合作，真的非常美好。

It's really nice to be able to pair and collaborate with brands that hold all of the right narratives.

我非常感谢Illegal，也非常期待在2026年与他们有更多合作。

So I'm super grateful to Illegal and I can't wait to be working with them more in 2026.

如果你还没尝试过Illegal梅斯卡尔酒，一定要试试，它真的非常好喝。

And if you haven't tried Illegal Mezcal, try Illegal Mezcal because it is very, very nice.

这是我第二次喝，但我非常喜欢。

It was like, I think only my second time trying it and I enjoyed it a lot.

所以现在我成了一个女同性恋的Illegal梅斯卡尔酒爱好者。

So I'm now a lesbian illegal mezcal drinker.

这是我2025年发现的另一个新事物。

That's another discovery that I've had for 2025.

我觉得大家彼此建立了联系，我也能和你们中的许多人交流。

I think people got to connect and I got to speak to so many of you.

我知道Freya也和你们中的许多人交谈了，我们真的度过了非常美好的时光。

I know Freya got to speak to so many of you and we genuinely had like such an amazing time.

所以我非常期待在新的一年重返纽约。

So I'm so looking forward to be able to come back out to New York in the new year.

我们目前正在规划2026年的其他地点，还有一些重磅计划正在筹备中。

We are planning right now other locations for 2026 and there are some really big things in the pipeline.

我对这些进展感到无比兴奋。

I'm so excited about where that's going.

我非常感激，正如你们所知，正如我们之前所说，你们持续的支持总是令人难以置信。

And I'm so grateful for, as you know, as we've said before, just the continued support is just always incredible.

我简直不敢相信，正是因为你们的支持、奉献和齐心协力，这个品牌如今真的走向了全球，这真的让我感到不可思议。

And I can't believe we are actually now taking this brand globally because of the support and like dedication and rallying that all of you guys bring, it is just honestly mind blowing to me.

今天我想聊些什么来着？

What did I wanna talk about today?

我想谈谈圣诞节之类的，今天我想重点聊两件事。

I think talking about Christmas, etcetera, I wanted to kind of speak about two things today.

第一件事是，在经历长时间的抑郁后，情绪开始回升时所伴随的那些感受。

One being kind of the emotions that come up when you dip after coming out of a long bout of depression.

然后我也想谈谈圣诞节这段时间给我带来的感受，以及可能也给你们带来的感受。

And then I wanna speak as well about the feelings that Christmas time bring up for me and probably bring up for a lot of you as well.

我觉得在过去几周里，我比过去几个月更不像自己了。我之前一直谈论自己如何走向康复，如何从人生中一段极其黑暗的时期走出来，以及我感受到的快乐、对自我状态改善的感激，还有生活如何真正开始步入正轨。

I think the last few weeks I have felt not myself as much as I have done the last few months, I've been talking a lot about my journey into healing and pulling myself out of a really dark period of time in my life and how much happier I'd been feeling and how grateful I was for how much better in myself I felt and how much my life really felt like it is falling into place.

我要说的是，这一切依然成立，因为短暂的低谷并不能定义整体的图景。

And I'm gonna say is because it still is because blips don't define the overall picture.

但在过去的几个月里，我一直帮助一位极其亲近的人对抗癌症，而在我去纽约之前，那是一段极其压力巨大的时期。

But over the last few months, I've been helping someone extremely close to me through cancer, which just before I went to New York was an extremely stressful time.

而且在我去纽约之前，我也生病了。

And I got sick as well just before I went to New York.

当然，纽约之行非常精彩，但确保我们做对了事情、传递了正确的能量、营造了恰当的氛围、安排好了场地，这一切依然压力巨大。

And obviously New York was incredible, but also it's still extremely stressful to make sure that we're doing the right thing and bringing the right energy and bringing the right vibe and we've got the spaces right.

所以，尽管这一切令人惊叹，但也极其有压力。

So it's super stressful as much as it's incredible.

再加上生活的琐事：我的洗碗机、洗衣机和冰箱在同一时间坏了，而我又经常不在家，还得处理所有这些事情。

And then just the admin of life, my dishwasher broke at the same time as my washing machine broke and my fridge broke and trying to get all of those things sorted as well when you're never really home.

这一切真的太多了。

And it was just a lot.

再加上又生病了。

And then getting ill on top of that.

在过去几周里，我发现自己在情绪上没有像过去几个月那样平静或有韧性。

Over the last couple of weeks, I have found myself emotionally not as at peace or as resilient as I feel like I've been the last few months.

我私人生活中也发生了一些其他事情，让我受到了一些打击。

And some other stuff happened in my private life as well, which knocked me about a bit.

我没有感受到过去几个月里那种乐观和内心平静的状态。

And I haven't felt that like level of optimism and inner peace that I would say that I've really felt the last few months.

说实话，这真的让我有点措手不及。

And to be honest with you, it's really spun me out a bit.

我想是因为我曾经在黑暗中待了那么久。

I think because I was in such a dark space for such a long time.

我可能对自己许下了一个不切实际的承诺：我绝不会再回到那种状态。

I kind of made probably an unrealistic promise to myself, which was I would never get back to that place.

我根本不想再沾上一点回到那种状态的边。

I would never even wanna touch the sides of getting back to that place.

但实际上，这样看待生活并不现实，因为生活中有太多事情是我们完全无法控制的。

And actually that's not a realistic way of thinking about life because so many things about life are so far out of our control.

对我来说，现在对再次感受到那种状态的恐惧非常巨大。

And I think for me now, the fear of ever feeling like that again is so huge.

因此，我现在生活中的一套规则和准则，就是为了能保持在一个稳固的平台上。

That is so soon as my, probably the set of kind of rules and regulations in which I live my life by now, to be able to stay on a strong platform.

如果我发现这些基础中的任何一个开始动摇，我就发现自己很难保持冷静和展望未来。

If I feel one of those foundations begins to shake, I have noticed that I really struggle with the concept of like keeping myself grounded and looking forward.

我知道我自己本来就容易灾难化思维，我清楚这一点，但之前我已经进步了很多。

So I know that I catastrophize anyway as a person, I know this about myself, but I had got a lot better.

现在我更能意识到：‘这太傻了。’

And I am a lot better at being like, that's stupid.

我不会让自己陷入那种状态。

I'm not gonna let myself go there.

但我觉得自从从纽约回来后，身体不适，反而能停下来好好想想纽约之行前发生的一切，甚至只是静下心来片刻。

But I think since coming back from New York, being unwell, kind of actually being able to sit back for a hot second and just process everything that happened in the lead up to New York, and then also probably just actually sitting down for even a small moment.

过去这一周，我确实觉得非常艰难。

I have actually found really difficult this last week.

我一直在思考明年会是什么样子，而且我已经从工作中被裁员了。

And I've been thinking a lot about what next year looks like, and I've taken a redundancy from work.

这既令人兴奋又充满压力，确实很让人焦虑。

And so that's stressful as much as it's amazing, it's stressful.

我一直在想，要完成所有需要做的事，实现我想达成的目标，把我的品牌推向我期望的方向，以及我们想如何发展播客、如何让它成长。

And thinking about everything that needs to be done and everything I wanna do to be able to achieve the things that I wanna achieve and take this brand to where I want it to go and what we wanna do with the podcast and how we wanna grow that.

这真的很棒，但我给自己施加了太多压力。

And it is so amazing, but I put a lot of pressure on myself.

当你一直忙个不停，根本没有喘息的时刻，你就没有时间去思考。

And I think when you don't have a moment to stop all the while that stressful, you don't have a moment to think.

而卧床休息，被迫躺下，却逼着我去思考，而我并不喜欢这种感觉。

Whereas laying, being forced to lay down in bed forced me into a space of thinking and I didn't like it very much.

这让我意识到，自我成长和自我探索的旅程永远不会真正结束，因为我们一直在变化，每天都会学到新东西，从而也更深入了解自己。

So it's made me realize that I don't think working on ourselves and the journey of working on ourselves is ever really over because we constantly evolve and we learn new things every day and therefore learn new things about ourselves.

但它确实再次让我意识到，我们所有人都是如此脆弱。

But it definitely made me realize again, just how vulnerable we all are.

我们所有人都容易陷入一种想法：嗯，我已经做了足够的努力，现在更快乐了。

And I think we can all get into a space of thinking, right, well, I've done the work now and I'm happier.

所以我几乎已经到达了终点，但实际情况总是在变化。

So I've almost reached this destination, but actually a set of circumstance is always due to change.

我认为，我们能为自己展现的最大力量，就是能够坦然面对变化。

And I think the most strength we can show ourselves is being able to walk through change.

这并不意味着不能经历变化带来的痛苦，而是能够以一种方式应对，让我们能够处理不同的想法、感受和情绪，而不被困住。

And it doesn't mean not being able to suffer through said change, but being able to deal with things in a way that allows us to process different thoughts, feelings, and emotions without getting stuck.

在过去一周半里，我注意到自己一直在反复思考各种情境，这确实严重影响了我。

And I've noticed about myself the last week and a half, I've really been ruminating and getting stuck on different scenarios, which has really been affecting me.

它影响了我的睡眠。

It's been affecting my sleep.

我认为，所有这些因素叠加在一起，再加上生病，真的非常艰难。

I think everything combined, as I say, with being ill has been really difficult.

我感受到了一丝孤独，那种深层的内心孤独，我以前在生活中也曾经历过。

And I felt that glimmer of loneliness, like that deep inner loneliness, which I have felt before in my life.

我原以为自己不会再有这种感觉了。

And I didn't think that I would feel again.

但我确实又感受到了。

And I did.

当我再次感受到时，我也感到害怕，因为我觉得自己刚刚才走出那种状态，来到了一个不再有这种感觉的阶段。

And when I did, that then frightened me as well because I thought, I've only really felt like I've just come out of this space and got to a space where I don't feel like that anymore.

而现在，我又他妈地感受到了那种状态。

And now I'm fucking feeling like it again.

这说明了什么？

What does this mean?

我不想再回到那里。

I don't wanna go back there.

我该怎么回到那里？

How would I go back there?

如果我真的回去了，我会做什么？

What would I do if I did?

我该怎么从中走出来？

How would I get out of it?

我不想过那样的生活。

I don't wanna live in that.

而且情况正逐渐演变成一场巨大的灾难。

And it's just getting to that huge catastrophe.

但事实上，最近几天，我做出了一个决定，不再让自己的思绪飘向那里。

But, actually, the last couple of days, I have made a choice to stop my thoughts from going there.

我决定继续投身于我热爱的事情，继续和我喜爱的人在一起，继续做一些傻乎乎的事，比如在客厅里随着圣诞音乐跳舞，像个孩子一样胡闹。

And I've made a choice to continue to work on the things that I love, continue to be around the people that I love to be around, continue to do stupid things like dancing to Christmas music in the living room and behave like a child.

因为在这些小小的时刻里，我才感到从自己的思绪中解脱出来，给自己一个喘息的机会，避免陷入恶性循环。

Because in those little moments, those are the moments that I feel like relieved from my own thoughts and give myself kind of just a break from spiraling.

所以我想强调一下，如果你正在经历自我疗愈与探索的旅程，或者正在从抑郁中恢复，又或者已经从抑郁中恢复，但内心深处仍时常担心‘如果我再次陷入那种状态怎么办’？

So I kind of wanted to highlight that if you are on a journey of your own self healing and discovery or recovering from depression, or you recovered from depression and you live as well in that moment of like in the back of your mind, always thinking what if I get back there?

而最终，这种想法会逐渐变成你的现实。

And then that at some point kind of becomes your reality.

要知道，这是很正常的。

Just know that it is normal.

我不认为我们应该一发现自己没有始终感到100%良好、没有时刻充满快乐或内在力量时，就立刻责备自己或质疑自己。

And I don't think that we should jump to punishing ourselves or questioning when we don't always feel a 100% and we're not always feeling happy and our strongest within ourselves.

这真的非常正常。

That is is really normal.

我需要不断提醒自己：生命中的每一个时刻都是暂时的，无论是好是坏。

And I needed to remind myself that a lot, that all moments in life are temporary, the good and the bad.

因此，当你身处美好时，你并不会特别去想回到糟糕的状态，因为你内心感受到力量，感受到幸福，并被种种美好事物分散了注意力。

And therefore when you're in the good, you don't think necessarily about going back to the bad because you feel that strength inside yourself and you feel that level of happiness and you're distracted by all the good.

而当那些不太好的情绪悄然袭来时，它们会显得格外庞大、可怕，让你感觉仿佛倒退了十步。

And then sometimes when the not so good creeps up on you, it feels huge and it feels terrifying and it feels like you're taking 10 steps back.

我可以向你保证，你并不是这样，因为如果我猜得没错，当你低落时，你为自己打造了一套应对工具箱，经历过极其黑暗的时期，并因此培养了韧性，所以你不会再回到那些地方。

I can assure you that you're not, because I can imagine if you're anything like me, when you were down, you would have built yourself a toolbox and you would have gone through really dark periods that you have built resilience in, and therefore you don't get back to those places.

但即使你后退了两步，也不意味着你在接下来的四五周里不会再向前迈出十步。

But even if you take two steps back, it doesn't then make mean that you won't take another 10 steps forward in the next four or five weeks.

你只需要继续向前走。

You have to just keep walking forward.

这并不意味着你一路向前时，每时每刻都感到完全快乐。

And it doesn't mean that you walk forward and feel entirely happy all the time.

你依然可以一边向前走，一边和朋友开怀大笑，经历美好的时刻，感受幸福，同时内心深处仍有一丝悲伤，或出现心悸、焦虑和担忧——这些情绪完全可以与庆祝生活、为自己的进步感到骄傲、并对未来保持乐观并存。

You can still walk forward and have laughs with your friends and amazing moments and feel happiness and still have a bit of sadness at the pit of your stomach or the heart palpitations or the anxiety and the worry, those things can coexist with still celebrating your life, celebrating how far you've come and being able to hold optimism for the future.

所以我想要谈谈这一点，谈谈心理健康以及人生旅程并非一条笔直的路径。

So I wanted to talk about that a bit and just about how mental health and just the journey of life is not one straight path.

尽管在过去几个月里，我在这里多次讲述自己生命中的转变——从人生最糟糕的低谷，一路攀升到今年经历最幸福的时刻，这种强烈的对比确实令人惊叹。

And as much as I have been on here these last few months, talking about the transition throughout my life of going to one of the worst places I've ever been, and then coming all the way up and having some of my happiest moments this year of my life, which is incredible, that contrast.

所以，暂时回落到70%的状态并停留一段时间，然后再重新回升到100%，这都是完全可以接受的。

It's then okay to come back down to like a 70% and stay there for a bit and then get back up to a 100%.

事情并不总是非黑即白。

It's not always gonna be all or nothing.

你也不会永远保持一种心态。

And you're not always gonna stay in one mindset forever.

这无论是好是坏，都是不可能的。

It's just impossible, both for good and bad.

说到心态，再说点有点压抑的事情。

And talking of mindset and talking of slightly depressing things.

是的。

Yeah.

我不喜欢圣诞节。

So I don't like Christmas.

我不太清楚这种感觉是从哪儿来的，但这是另一件事。

I don't really know why this has stemmed from, but this is another thing.

我总是在圣诞节时感到沮丧。

I always find that at Christmas, I feel depressed.

我觉得这是一年中令人沮丧的时期。

I think it's a depressing time of year.

如果今天你正在开车回家过圣诞，听着这个播客，心里想着‘太好了’，那就请直接关掉吧，我向你道歉。

And I'm sorry if you're joining this podcast today, driving home for Christmas and feeling like, yay, and just turn me off.

老实说，直接关掉我吧。

Honestly, just turn me the fuck off.

但我必须说出我的真实想法。

But I have to speak my truth.

我不能假装自己喜欢我不喜欢的东西。

I can't pretend that I enjoy something I don't enjoy.

我不喜欢圣诞节。

I don't like Christmas.

从我小时候起，可能就一直不喜欢圣诞节。

I haven't liked Christmas probably ever since I was young.

我觉得这源于我妈妈，因为我妈妈从小就常说，她也不喜欢圣诞节。

I think it started with my mom because my mom always used to say even when we were kids, she didn't like Christmas.

我认为，当你有年幼的孩子时，说你不喜欢圣诞节是非常不妥的。

And I think actually now that's a really bad thing to do when you've got young children is to say that you don't like Christmas.

你迫不及待地想把圣诞树搬走。

You can't wait to take the Christmas tree down.

我和我妈妈聊过这件事，她用典型的萨默塞特口音回答说：嗯，事情就是如此。

Have had conversations with my mom about it to which in her very Somerset accent, she responds saying, well, it is just what it is.

我不喜欢，这也没办法。

I don't like it, which fair enough.

我尊重你的坦诚，妈妈。

I respect the honesty, mom.

但与此同时，你确实做出了要孩子的决定。

But at the same time, like you did make a decision to have children.

所以也许为了孩子，你自己最好别这么任性。

So maybe like pull yourself fucking together for that.

所以我认为，这种意识一直伴随着我。

So I think it stems from that is that there's always been like an awareness of me.

圣诞节一直带有一些负面的意味。

There's been a bit of a negative connotation around Christmas.

但这并不是说我们没有过过很棒的圣诞节，因为我们确实有过。

And that's not to say like we don't have amazing Christmases because we do.

我有个大家庭，每年圣诞节当天或节礼日，全家人都会聚在一起。

Like I've got a really big family and always either on Christmas day or Boxing day, the whole family get together.

我们一共有三十口人。

There's like 30 of us.

我的一些表兄弟姐妹现在已经有孩子了。

Some of my cousins have had children now.

所以周围有很多小孩子。

So there's lots of little kids around.

我家人都很疯狂、吵闹。

My family are crazy, loud.

我们毫不掩饰。

We are shameless.

总是很有趣。

It's always fun.

每个人都变得疯疯癫癫的。

Everyone gets stupid.

我家里从来不会吵架。

There's never any like arguments in my family.

我们吃饭时很少谈到政治这种层面的话题。

We don't really get to that level of like politics at the dinner table.

谢天谢地。

Thank God.

你能想象我吗？

Can you imagine me?

我们待会儿就会说到这个。

And which we will get onto.

所以总是很有趣。

And so it's always fun.

我是说，我从来没有过糟糕的圣诞节。

Like, I don't have bad Christmases.

我只是觉得前期准备特别让人头疼。

I just find the run up.

我不确定这算不算是一种神经多样性表现。

And I don't know if this is like a neurodivergent thing.

我觉得真的特别让人不知所措。

I find it really overwhelming.

首先，我每年都告诉自己，我真的很想好好享受这个节日。

Think, first of all, I tell myself every year, I really wanna enjoy it.

但每年我总是忙这忙那，总想着：‘好吧，下周再做点圣诞相关的事’，或者‘下下周再做’，‘再下下周再做’。

But then every year, I'm always busy doing something or thinking, well, I'll go and do a Christmassy thing next week or do it next week or do it next week.

等我反应过来的时候，已经到圣诞节那一周了。

And then before I know it, it's already the week of Christmas.

而我依然只是在工作，一首圣诞歌都没听过，除非在店里偶然放了；一部圣诞电影都没看过，也没去采购过圣诞用品，甚至连一杯该死的热蛋奶酒都没喝过。

And all I've been doing still is like working and I haven't listened to a single Christmas song unless it's been on in the shop and I haven't watched a single Christmas film and I haven't gone and done the Christmas shopping things or, you know, even got myself a fucking like eggnog latte.

我什么都没做。

I've done nothing.

所以感觉它还没开始就突然结束了。

So it just feels like suddenly it's gone before it's even started.

就在圣诞节前的那一周，我根本没有真正沉浸在任何节日氛围中。

It's like the week before Christmas, I haven't lived in the moment of any of it.

这让我立刻感到沮丧，因为我觉得：这种事情正在发生在我身上，周围都在过节，而我却没能活在当下。

And that makes me feel depressed instantly because I'm like, this is now happening to me, it's happening around me And I'm not in the moment.

现在它又在我还没来得及坐下来好好享受之前，悄悄溜走了。

And now it's slipping away before I've even got chance to sit down and enjoy it.

所以我觉得这非常困难和令人沮丧，因为我总是在想，这种幸福感还没开始就已经结束了。

So I find that really difficult and depressing because I'm always thinking about it as well-being over before it's even started.

天啊，这反映出我的心态真不怎么样，是吧？

God, this is not saying a lot about my mindset, is it?

到了圣诞节那天，我觉得特别压抑。

And then Christmas day, find really depressing.

我不知道这是怎么回事。

Like, I don't know what it is.

而且每年我都尝试，但我就是觉得。

And again, I try every year, but I just find it.

我想这可能和自闭症谱系有关。

I think it is being on the spectrum.

就像，我觉得人们为了享受节日而刻意表演一样。

It's like, I find the fact that people almost put on performance to enjoy it.

我能看见，也能感受到。

I can see and feel.

所以我一直在等它结束，因为我觉得很难真正进入那种‘天啊，圣诞节到了’的状态。

And so I'm waiting for it to be done because I find it difficult to be kind of operating on that level of, oh my god, it's Christmas.

等它结束后，我会感到沮丧，因为我根本没有享受过。

And then when it is done, I feel depressed because I've not enjoyed it.

我没有活在当下。

I've not lived in the moment.

然后又一年过去了，我觉得自己又浪费了一年。

And then another year's passed and I feel like I've wasted another year.

我知道这听起来很傻，但我今天还是想来这里谈谈这个，因为我知道我肯定不是唯一一个——每当我来这里谈论一些非常小众的话题时，都会有很多人给我留言，但这确实是一种悲伤。

And I know it sounds so silly, but I wanted to come on here to talk about that today because I know that I will not be the only one because every time I come on here and talk about something really fucking niche, loads of you message me, but it is a sadness.

我觉得平安夜总是还不错的，因为还有足够的时间去享受。

Like I think like Christmas Eve is always all right because there's still enough time to kind of revel.

我确实能感受到那种圣诞氛围和乐观情绪。

And I do get that bit of like in a like Christmas spirit and optimism.

然后我经常回到萨默塞特。

And then I often go back to Somerset.

所以我会见到朋友，这真的很棒。

So I see friends and that's really nice.

比如见到那些很久没见的朋友，那种感觉就像回家一样，仿佛我们所有人都回到了过去，这真的很美好。

Like see friends that I've not seen in a long time and it feels like home and it feels like we all step back in time and that's really nice.

但圣诞节那天，这一切又是为了什么呢？

But then Christmas day is just all of that for what?

这就是我的感受。

That's what I find.

我甚至还记得小时候的感觉，下楼后我们所有人都坐在那里，拆礼物。

And I even remember feeling it as a child, like going downstairs and us all being sat there and like opening our presents.

整个过程中我都感到紧张，但我不知道原因是什么。

The whole time I feel on edge and I don't know what it is.

求求你们，有谁和我有同感吗？

Please someone say you can relate.

我不知道这是为什么。

I don't know what it is.

我只是觉得希望这一切赶快结束，但又不希望它真的结束，因为结束后我会感到抑郁——因为一切都结束了，而我什么都没做成，也没真正享受过。

I just feel like I want this to be done, but I don't want it to be over because I'm gonna be depressed when it's over because then it's done and I've not done anything and I don't feel like I've enjoyed it.

然后又是十二个月，我不得不重复这个模式、这个循环，因为我根本不知道该如何打破它。

And then it's another twelve months and I'm gonna have to repeat this pattern again and this cycle again, because I don't know how to break out of it.

所以，我觉得这特别令人难过，而且我觉得，周围也总有一些我们认识的人，在这个时候同样经历着困难。

So yeah, I find it super sad and there's, I think as well, because there's always people around us who we know have hardship in these times as well.

比如有人正在饱受抑郁之苦，或者失去了家人，宠物生病了，家里其他人患病，或者没钱做他们想做的事。

Like there is someone who's actively suffering with depression or they've lost a family member or their animal was ill or someone else in the family is ill or they haven't got the money to be able to do the things that they wanna do.

这些事也让我深感困扰，因为我总在想，别人在这样的时候正在经历怎样的痛苦。

And all of that consumes me as well, because I'm just thinking about how other people are suffering during this time.

如果我都有这样的感受——而我身边有这么多美好的人，有朋友、家人，身体健康，经济稳定，我其实非常幸运。

And if I feel the way that I feel, which is just a bit melancholy, when I've got so many amazing people around me, friends, family, I've got good health, you know, and financially stable, I'm so blessed.

如果我都这样觉得，那些没有我这么多美好事物的人，他们又会怎样感受呢？

If I feel like that, how do other people then feel who don't have all of those amazing things that I have?

现在我大声说出来，我对自己说：斯嘉丽，振作起来，别再这样了。

And now I say that out loud, I'm like Scarlett, pull yourself to fucking gather.

但这只是一种感觉，一种我多么希望可以摆脱的感觉，可每年都会准时出现。

But it's just a feeling and it's a feeling that I'd love to be able to stop, but it's just one that I just get every year.

圣诞节和新年之间的低谷期，我反而能接受，因为我能接受‘这一切已经结束了’这个事实。

And then the low between Christmas and New Year, I'm actually all right with because I can make peace with the fact that it's done.

我觉得新年简直糟透了。

New Year's I think is fucking shit.

说实话吧。

Let's be honest.

简直糟透了。

Like it's shite.

又是这样，令人沮丧，真糟。

Is, it's again, it's depressing, it's shit.

哦，鼓掌，鼓掌，鼓掌。

Oh, clap, clap, clap.

都半夜了。

It's fucking midnight.

太好了。

Great.

现在我们要进入一月了，这又是我思绪飘散的时候。

Now we've got go into January and this is again where my mind goes.

我对自己笑出来，因为这确实太糟了，但好吧。

I'm laughing at myself because this is actually so bad, but like, great.

每个人的情绪都低落得要命。

Everyone's fucking skin depressed.

每个人都想节食、去健身房。

Everyone wants to go on a diet and go to the gym.

没人想喝酒了。

No one wants to drink anymore.

然后我们只能熬到一月份发工资。

Then we've got to just get through that until payday January.

一月份过后，生活才慢慢恢复正常，这一切就成了遥远的记忆。

January and And then then life starts to go back to normal and it's just a distant memory.

这就是我对圣诞节的尖锐看法。

So that's my hot take on Christmas.

很抱歉我这么消极，一直抱怨个没完。

I'm really sorry that it is, I've been such a fucking negative Nancy talking about that.

我们到底喜欢圣诞节的什么？

What do we like about Christmas?

对，我超爱百利甜酒。

Right, I fucking love a Bailey's.

我喜欢百利甜酒，尽管我最近没喝酒。

I love a Bailey's although I've not been drinking.

所以这对我现在也不太管用，是吧？

So that's not really working out for me either now is it?

不过我一会儿就会说到这个。

Which I will get on into a minute.

我喜欢百利甜酒。

So I like a Bailey's.

我当然喜欢圣诞节相关的食物，但总是会在圣诞节期间生病，食欲不振，蔫了。

I obviously love the food associated with Christmas, but again, always seem to get sick at Christmas time, lose my appetite, slay.

我还有什么喜欢圣诞节的理由？

What else do I like about Christmas?

我喜欢和家人待在一起。

I love being around my family.

我喜欢和奶奶待在一起，她真的特别好，我超爱我的奶奶。

I love being around like my nan is such like a, like I just love my nan.

我喜欢我的叔叔阿姨、堂表兄弟姐妹以及他们的孩子。

I love like my uncles and aunties and my cousins and their kids.

当然，我也爱我的妈妈和爸爸。

Obviously I love my mom and my dad.

我喜欢待在萨默塞特的家里，做那些让我想起过去的事——比如遛狗、去当地酒吧，这些都让我回想起自己十六七岁、十八岁左右那段简单纯粹的时光。

I like being home in Somerset and doing all of that stuff that reminds me of like walking the dogs, going to the local pub, all of the things that remind me of a really simple time in my life when I was about 16, 17, 18.

所以我特别喜欢这些。

So I love that.

我也喜欢早上和家人在一起，喝一杯热巧克力。

And I do love like getting up and being with the family and having a hot chocolate.

我确实能感受到一些美好的时刻，真的有，但请有人告诉我，你们也明白那种挥之不去的忧郁感，这是我唯一能形容它的词。

Like I do find nice moments, I do, but please someone tell me that they do understand that just the lingering feeling of like melancholy as the only way I can describe it.

再加上，很多人可能不幸地和一些讨厌的家人待在一起，幸运的是，我不用面对这些，因为我想说，我的家人大多都不是那样的。

Toppled on top of that, a lot of you will probably be at home sadly with like asshole family members, which thankfully I don't have to deal with because I would like to say most of mine aren't.

我也觉得现在很多人都知道，我在政治、同性恋权利、不做他妈的无聊混蛋这类事情上，就像个闯进瓷器店的公牛。

I also think a lot of them now know that like, am like a bull in a China shop when it comes to things like politics, gay rights, not being a fucking basic asshole.

所以我已经在家族里确立了自己的位置，我知道如果你想找茬，那我们就来，但你得做好准备，因为显然，不管场合如何，我都不会退让。

So I have established myself enough in the family to know that like, if you wanna go there, we're going, but just make sure that you're prepared to go there because obviously despite the occasion, I won't be backing down.

所以请确保你口袋里备足了弹药。

So make sure you come prepared with a lot of ammo in your back pocket.

所以我觉得现在我们家已经到了一个地步，就是干脆不提这类话题了。

So I think we've got to a point in my family now where we just don't bring up conversations like that.

但这并不意味着这就对了。

And that doesn't make it necessarily right.

但我确实觉得，圣诞节是我们所有人一致同意闭嘴不谈某些事情的唯一时刻。

But I do think at Christmas is the one time we can all agree to just shut the fuck up about certain things.

我觉得有些家庭和有些家人还没达到这个境界。

I think some families and some family members haven't quite got to that yet.

所以如果你是家里唯一一个同性恋，还得独自面对你那个肯定在评论性别、性取向、种族、奈杰尔·法拉奇、特朗普等等的叔叔皮特，我真的很抱歉你还要额外承受这种狗屁闹剧。

So if you are the only gay in the family that's having to single handedly stick up to your uncle Pete, who's no doubt making comments about gender, sexuality, race, Nigel Farage, Trump, etcetera, etcetera, I'm sorry that you have to deal with that added shit show on top.

我的建议是，我个人不会这么做，这可能是很糟糕的建议。

My advice for that is, I don't personally, and this is probably terrible advice.

如果有必要，我觉得往餐桌上扔盘子也没什么大不了的。

I don't see anything wrong with throwing a plate at the dinner table if needs be.

你得做你必须做的事。

Like you've got to do what you've got to do.

如果你得制造个场面，那就得把你要表达的观点彻底讲清楚。

And if you've got to make an entrance, you've got to make a point on the point that you're arguing.

既然如此，不如直接全力以赴。

You may as well go the full throttle.

别觉得往别人的肉汁里吐口水有什么不对。

Don't think there's anything wrong with spitting in people's gravy.

如果你知道，玛乔丽姨妈一坐下就会发表一些种族主义、恐同、性别歧视的言论，涉及性别、世界政治等等。

If you know, aunt Marjorie is going to sit down and make a comment that is in fact racist, homophobic, sexist, about gender, world politics, etcetera, etcetera.

那为什么不提前在她坐下之前，就先给她的肉汁加点‘调料’呢？

Why not get ahead and season her gravy before she's even sat down?

这告诉我，你是一个有远见且富有爱心的人，你知道的。

All that says to me is you're the type of person that thinks ahead and you're a caring person, you know.

我不觉得在餐桌上加入一点该死的恶意有什么不对。

I don't see anything wrong with adding a severe bit of fucking malice to the dinner table.

我们正生活在一个危险的时代。

We're living in treacherous times.

我们生活在一个时代，在这个时代，我认为仅仅做个体面的酷儿已经无法让我们走得更远。

We're living in times where I don't think these days being the respectable queer at the table is getting us far.

那为什么不干脆彻底搞砸呢？

So why not just be absolutely fucking disastrous?

这就是我对这件事的建议。

So that's my advice on that.

正如我所说，我不会去应对这些，我会主动远离那些现在我认为会在我生活中引发这种事的场合，因为我真的不想再置身其中。

As I say, I'm not dealing with it and I've removed I will remove myself from situations that now I think will cause that in my life because I just don't wanna be around it.

我不想和那些无法像我一样思考的人待在一起。

I don't wanna be around people that are not able to think in the same way as me.

当我谈到这一点时，人们会说，不可能总是和每个人意见一致。

And when I talk about that and people say, well, can't always agree with everyone.

好吧，行。

Okay, fine.

但有很多事情，我希望有人能和我持相同看法。

But there's a lot of things that I want to have people that agree.

比如，我想和那些在某些事情上认同我的人待在一起。

Like I want to be around people that agree with me on certain things.

如果你做不到，那我们根本就不是一路人。

And if you can't, we're just not aligned.

我不想和你待在一起。

I don't wanna be around you.

有些事情对我来说，根本不是我要去打开空间、为他人留出空间的问题，尤其是在政治或人们真实的生命问题上。

Like there's certain things to me where it's not about me having to open up spaces and hold spaces for people where, you know, politics are concerned or people's literal fucking lives.

在这些事情上，我不想和任何人妥协，也不愿开放地接受他们的观点。

That's not a place where I wanna meet anyone in the middle and be open to their opinion.

我不想跟你待在一起。

I don't wanna be around you.

我不想跟你说话。

I don't wanna talk to you.

我不想跟你互动。

I don't wanna engage with you.

我觉得你他妈的就是个傻子。

I think you're a fucking idiot.

我觉得你很自私。

I think you're selfish.

我觉得你很蠢。

I think you're stupid.

我对你没什么好说的。

I don't have anything to say to you.

我不尊重你。

I don't respect you.

我不在乎你曾经是我很久的朋友。

I don't care if you were a friend to me for a really long time.

我不在乎你是不是我的家人。

I don't care if you are a family member.

我不在乎是不是孩子的受洗仪式。

I don't care if it's the two year old's christening.

如果你想去那儿，我们就去，要么就闭嘴。

If you wanna go there, we can go there or shut the fuck up.

圣诞节也是一样。

And that goes for Christmas as well.

所以这又是另一番抱怨。

So there's just another rant there.

这就是我对这件事的激烈看法。

That's my hot take on that.

去吧，放手一搏。

Go balls to the wolves.

你提到他们的离婚，我觉得没什么问题。

Don't see any problem with you bringing in their divorce.

他们可能对丈夫或妻子不忠，甚至可能同时和两个人在一起。

The fact they may have cheated on their husband and or wife, maybe they had both at the same time.

你不确定自己关系特别亲密的表亲到底是不是他们两个人的孩子。

The fact that you're not sure if the cousin that you are really close with actually belongs to both of them.

我会直接出击，直接开炮。

I would go straight in, straight in with the snipe.

我只是觉得，没有什么是不能碰的。

I just, I don't think anything could be off limits.

如果你打算这么做，那就干脆彻底一点，因为这会带来两个结果。

If you're gonna go there, you may as well just go the whole hog because what it will do is two things.

首先，你会被要求离开餐桌。

First of all, you'll be asked to remove yourself from the table.

太好了。

Great.

反正你也不愿意跟那些人待在一起，A。

You don't wanna be around those people anyway, A.

B，如果你直接戳穿他们，明年他们更不可能再这么做了。

B, they're probably much less likely to do it next year if you go straight for the juggler.

这就是我学到的。

And that's what I've learned.

当时做起来并不容易，你有时会把自己陷入麻烦。

It's not easy in the moment, you can sometimes get yourself in trouble.

那种情绪会随着时间消退，但你所说的话带来的刺痛感不会消退，这会让它们更不愿意在来年提起。

That does die down over time, what doesn't die down is the sting of what you've said and it makes them less likely to bring it up the year after.

如果他们来年又提起来，那只能说明他们真的很享受，还想再来点。

And if they bring it up the year after again, more for them, they clearly enjoyed it and want some more.

是的，抱歉刚才那番牢骚。

Yeah, sorry for that little rant.

就像我说的，这并不是我自己的经历，但我能想象你们很多人可能都要面对这种情况。

I'm getting, like I say, this is not an experience I have for myself, but I can imagine a lot of you having to deal with that.