亲爱的生活指南：我快撑不下去了

你是否有生活中无人能解答的疑问？

Do you have a question that no one in your life can help with?

那些让周围人惊呼'天啊，这问题真怪'的难题。

Something that makes the people around you go, yikes. What a weird question.

别担心，在《How To Do Everything》节目里，我们愿意帮你解决。每周都有顶尖专家来答疑解惑。

Well, Freak, here on How To Do Everything, we wanna help you out. Each week, we get fantastic experts to answer your questions.

比如美国桂冠诗人艾达·利蒙、健美冠军阿诺德·施瓦辛格，还有说唱歌手里克·罗斯。

People like US poet laureate Ada Limon, bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger, and rapper Rick Ross.

第二季刚刚上线，快去收听NPR出品的《How To Do Everything》。

Season two just launched. Go listen to how to do everything from NPR.

这里是NPR《生活指南》节目。大家好，我是玛丽埃尔。亲密关系既能滋养我们，也可能带来巨大困扰。当朋友、伴侣、家人或同事反复让我们失望，那些循环出现的矛盾模式会让你感觉陷入僵局。

You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, everybody. It's Mariel. The relationships we have with the people we're close to can be so good for us, and they can also be incredibly frustrating. Our friends, our partners, our family members, our colleagues, they sometimes disappoint us often in patterns that repeat over and over again and make you feel like you're at an impasse.

婚姻家庭治疗师玛丽亚·西格尔·德吉尔（执业机构名为BFF治疗中心）对此有丰富建议。在本期《亲爱的生活指南》——记者安迪·卡格尔制作的系列节目中，安迪代听众向玛丽亚提出了多个匿名求助问题。这些问题来自生活的不同领域：友情、爱情、职场，但提问者都因身边人达到了忍耐极限。

Mariah Seger Degeare is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Her practice is called BFF therapy, and she has a lot of advice for navigating these moments. On this edition of Dear Life Kit, the series from reporter Andy Cagle, Andy asks Maria a series of anonymous questions from listeners who are at the end of their ropes. Questions will come from different arenas of life. Friendship, romantic love, work, but they all come from folks who've reached a breaking point with the people around them.

在继续本期节目前，我想分享我们正在制作的一个令人兴奋的新闻通讯系列。美国信用卡债务规模惊人，确切地说2025年将达到1.21万亿美元。在LifeKit，我们深知人们负债的原因多种多样，我们绝非来此指责。

Before we jump back into the episode, I want to share an exciting newsletter series we've been working on. There is a staggering amount of credit card debt in America. $1,210,000,000,000 in 2025 to be exact. Here at LifeKit, we know there are so many reasons people get into debt. We're not here to shame.

我们是来提供帮助的。为此我们制作了特别通讯系列，助你应对信用卡债务——从追踪消费到选择切实可行的还款计划，我们将全程指导。您可在npr.org/creditcarddebt注册，或在本期节目描述中找到链接。

We're here to help. So we made a special newsletter series to help you tackle your credit card We'll walk you through everything from tracking your spending to picking a debt payment plan you'll actually stick to. You can sign up at npr.org/creditcarddebt, or you can find the link in the description for this episode.

好的，莫莉亚。这是我们的第一个问题：亲爱的Life Kit，我最好的朋友又和她那个有暴力倾向的前男友在一起了。他曾对她实施身体、精神和情感上的虐待。最终她结束了关系并申请了限制令。

Okay, Moriah. Here's our first question. Dear life, Kit, my best friend is backdating her abusive ex boyfriend. He was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive towards her. Eventually, she broke things off and got a restraining order.

五年后，她刚结束另一段感情，又开始和这个前男友纠缠。我解释过鉴于他的所作所为，我很难接受他，但她坚称他已经改变。我基本避免谈论他或与他们相处，但这造成了我们友谊的裂痕，她说我不能接受她的幸福。我该怎么办？——劳伦的闺蜜

Flash forward five years, she just got out of a different relationship and started hooking up with her old ex. I explained how it'd be hard for me to accept him after knowing what he's done, but she says that he's changed. I pretty much avoid speaking about him or hanging out around them, but it's put a rift in our friendship because she says I can't accept her happiness. What should I do? Signed for Lauren Bestie.

莫莉亚，这个问题包含许多层面。首先从大局来看：在这种情况下，闺蜜的职责是什么？

Mariah, there are a lot of questions in this question. Big picture here first. What is a best friend's duty in this situation?

是的，这确实很棘手。问题不仅在于她交往的对象，还在于你朋友的价值观目前与你严重不符。考虑到她刚经历分手，我猜她正处在一种你从未体验过的特殊孤独状态中。

Yeah. And this is a really hard one. It's not just about this person they're hooking up with. It's about also the fact that your friend, their values are very misaligned with yours right now. Because they came out of this breakup, I would imagine they're in a place of a very different type of loneliness than you have ever felt.

她陷入了某种循环。另外重要的是：我们常以最美好的眼光看待朋友。不仅希望他们过得好，还忽略了他们的不安。我们将他们视为自己熟知的、有能力且卓越的个体，全心全意地爱护着。

They're stuck in whatever cycle it is. It's also important to think about is we often see our friends in the best way possible. It's not just we want the best for them. We don't see them with their insecurities. We're seeing them as these capable, majestic human beings who we've known and who we absolutely love and care about.

那么，我们为何能如此神奇地看待一个人，即便他们满身缺点，对吧？人可以既神奇又有缺点。让我们回到这一点。因此，我们甚至难以理解他们为何会那样做，因为我们视他们为一个真正有能力、可爱的人，有望建立健康的关系。所以这里要尊重一个事实：是的，你不会确切知道他们在这段关系中的感受，但你也无法假装——这一点非常重要——你会为这段关系背书。

And so how can someone we see so magically, right, even with all their faults, right? You can be magical and have faults. Go back to that. And so it's so hard to even fathom why they would do that because we see them as a really capable, lovable human being that can have a healthy relationship, hopefully. And so in this is honoring the fact that, yep, you're not gonna know exactly what they feel in this relationship, but you also can't pretend, which is really important, that you're gonna cosign the relationship.

非常重要的是，不要继续在一个虚假的自我版本上建立你们的友谊。

It's really important to not continue to build your friendship on a big fake sort of version of yourself.

这正是我接下来要问的。关于这段关系的回避问题。就像，是否有可能完全绕开它？比如，就只是去做做美甲，聊聊工作，聊聊...我不知道，聊聊政治。

That was gonna be my next question. Is the avoidance of of the relationship? It was like, is it possible to just skirt around it? Like, just, you know, get your nails done and, talk about work and talk about I don't know. Talk about politics.

聊除了男朋友之外的一切。不可能。

Talk about everything except for the boyfriend. Not possible.

不。换个角度想，如果你回避男朋友或建立一种回避式的友谊，你实际上是在强化你朋友正在做的事情。他们建立的关系很可能主要是为了回避过去的虐待，以满足另一个需求。所以你也在做类似的事情：回避这件大事以满足一个需求，即维持这段对我如此珍贵的友谊。我也会非常好奇。

No. If you think about it another way is if you avoid the boyfriend or create a friendship of avoidance, you're actually reinforcing the exact thing your friend is doing. They're creating a relationship that's probably mostly avoiding the amount of abuse in the past to get another need met. So you're kind of doing a similar thing of I'm avoiding this big thing to get a need met, which is maintaining this friendship that has such value to me. I would also be really curious.

他是如何回来并重新进入这个系统的？因为这是你的人际系统，你的社群。

How is he coming back and reentering this system? Because this is your system of people, your community.

没错。

Right.

那么他是否进行了实质性的修复？修复至关重要。他应该已经做了修复，你希望他是与那位复合的伴侣一起完成的。但同样，如果我们静下心来思考，如果要共同构建生活，我们该如何与生命中其他重要的人建立修复关系？

And so is he doing any actual repair? Repair is so key. He must have done a repair, you would hope with the partner that he went back to. But also, if we sit here and think about it is if you're going to build a life together, how have we created any repair with these other important people in their life?

是的，这很有道理。你知道吗，我也在回想Life Kit节目里关于支持身处虐待关系中的朋友那期内容。那里的建议同样是与朋友保持联系，让他们知道自己被爱着。嗯。对我们四位老友还有什么最后的建议吗？

Yeah, that makes sense. You know, I'm also thinking about the episode Life Kit has done on supporting a friend in an abusive relationship. And the advice there similarly was to stay in touch with a friend and just let them know that they're loved. Yeah. Final thoughts for our four long bestie?

这很难。成年人的关系很难。友谊也很难。考虑到我们与朋友共同成长多年，我们确实能够一起成熟。这是非常美好的事情。

It's hard. Adult relationships are hard. Friendships are hard. Considering we're growing up with our friends over the years, we really are able to mature together. And it's a really beautiful thing.

而友谊中的重聚，可能成为我们最珍视的时刻之一，像是重新相识并深入交往。这种非恋爱关系中存在的深刻亲密感非常特别。

And that coming back together in friendships can be like some of our most cherished moments of sort of like reacquainting and going deeper. It's profound intimacy that you have in these non romantic relationships.

在继续之前，如果有听众正遭遇家庭暴力，可以拨打全国家庭暴力热线80799安全。现在来看第二个问题。亲爱的Life Kit，我和妻子通过试管婴儿三次尝试要孩子都失败了，现在积蓄所剩无几。我们都心碎了。她想用最后的积蓄再试一次，但我想放弃尝试转向领养。

Before we move on, if any listeners find themselves in a domestic abuse situation, they can call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 80799 safe. Let's move to question two. Dear Life Kit, my wife and I have tried and failed to have a child via IVF three times and are now scraping the bottom of our savings. We're both heartbroken. She wants to use the last of our savings to try one more time but I want to move on and try to adopt.

她悲痛欲绝无法释怀。我也在哀伤，她知道，但我试图向前看。而她每当听到姐姐新生儿的消息，或是电视里播放涉及怀孕分娩情节的电影时，就会冲进另一个房间哭泣或发怒。我们的日常谈话总因重新聚焦婴儿话题而陷入危机。我不知道该如何帮助她。

She is distraught and can't move on. I'm grieving too, she knows, but I'm trying to move forward. As for her, she often runs into the other room, cries, or gets angry when someone brings up her sister's new baby or someone plays a movie on TV with any pregnancy or childbirth in the plot. Our daily conversations veer into crises as our focus returns to babies. I don't know how to help her.

署名：婴儿忧郁。玛利亚，我对这对夫妇深表同情。

Signed, baby blues. Mariah, my heart goes out to this couple.

是的。我最初的想法是这个问题可以分为两部分。一方面，我该如何支持我所爱的人，在这个我们都感到悲痛的时刻，她对我来说意味着一切？对吧？我该如何支持我的伴侣，她现在如此脆弱？

Yeah. My initial thought is we're looking at of two pieces to this question. We have, how do I support this person who I love, who's everything in this moment of grief that I'm feeling too? Right? How do I support my partner and who's just tender?

对吧？非常非常脆弱，几乎处于崩溃边缘，对吧？任何与孩子、与未来相关的事情都会刺痛他们。然后还有，我们该怎么办？比如，那个共同的决定是什么？

Right? So so so tender, very much on edge, right? Everything's hurting them related to baby related to future. And then also, what do we do? Like, what's that collective decision?

而他们甚至没有问到的第三部分是，当这个人以更强烈的悲痛在我身边哭泣时，我该如何处理自己的悲伤？这不仅关乎孩子，更是哀悼你们对未来生活的全部想象。还有很多的恐惧。对这对夫妇来说，感觉就像处在一个没有计划的紧急状态中。因为原本的计划早在他们开始试管婴儿之前就已经定好了。

And the third part that they're not even asking is like, how do I tend to my grief when this person is weeping next to me with much bigger expressions of grief? It's not just the baby, but it's grieving the entire image of what your future life was going to look like. And there's a lot of fear. And so for this couple, it feels very much in this urgent emergency space without a plan. Because the plan was that thing over there way before they probably ever started IVF.

对吧？所以现在我们就像在说，好吧，再花一万块，继续尝试。你懂我的意思吗？这有点像在赌博，对那个为钱焦虑的人来说是这样，而另一个人则觉得，虽然像赌博，但万一成功了呢？

Right? And so now we're just being like, Okay, 10 more grand, do more. You know what I mean? It's just like, it's almost like you're gambling a little bit for the person who's stressed about the money and the other person's feeling like, oh, I'm gambling, but what if what if it all works out?

是的。我能感受到那种紧迫感。而且几乎没有中间地带。他们能采取什么步骤来确保无论做什么决定，都是一起行动而不是分开的？尤其是当他们觉得非此即彼的时候？

Yeah. I feel that urgency. And there's not a lot of middle ground. What steps can they take to ensure whatever move they make, they're doing so together and not apart when it's when it feels a little bit black or white for them?

是的。所以实际上，双方都需要谈谈，比如，我们需要什么才能感到安全，再次进行这些对话？要达成这样的对话，可能需要治疗，也可能是当下的整体健康状态，明白吗？在我们制定计划、考虑选择之前，我需要帮助自己的身体平静下来，对吧？有没有什么你们想一起做的事？想一起锻炼吗？

Yeah. So really, for both partners to talk about, like, what do we need to feel safe about having these conversations again? And so to get to that conversation could be therapy, could be, you know, overall wellness right now, you know, before we even get to making a plan, thinking about our options, I need to help calm my body down, right? And are there things you want to do together? Do want to work out together?

想一起冥想吗？即使我们在考虑怀孕，你们也会想做那些能减少生活压力的事情。然后真正讨论的是，对我们来说，什么样的生活是有意义的？在设定这个目标时，花费的风险是什么？考虑到他们各自关于金钱的历史、成长过程中与金钱的关系，以及在这些决定中各自可能要放弃的东西，这些都是非常重要的。

Do you want to meditate together? And even if we're thinking about getting pregnant, you're going to want to do all those things that are bringing less stress to your life. Then really talking about, yeah, like, what is a meaningful life for us? And as we set that up, what you know, what is the risk in spending? And then if we think of each of their own history around money, their relationship to money growing up, what they're each potentially giving up in these decisions are really big things.

我认为这个问题之所以如此痛苦，是因为他们所期待的结果完全超出了他们的掌控范围。也许并非每个人都渴望成为父母或经历过试管婴儿治疗，但我想很多人都能理解那种感受。对于如何在无力感中保持希望，您有什么建议？

I think what makes this question so painful is that the outcome that they're hoping for is so entirely out of their control. And maybe not everyone out there wants to become a parent or has gone through IVF, but I imagine a lot of people can understand that feeling. What advice do you have for us on how to hold on to hope in moments of powerlessness?

允许自己悲伤。明白吗？实际上，当我们给自己留出'可能根本不会成功'的心理空间时，反而更容易保持希望。我在辅导夫妻时发现最困难的一点是，如果其中一方真心想亲自怀孕分娩，当他们考虑领养等其他可能性时，内心其实在告诉自己未来将失去什么。很多时候这还涉及其他心理创伤，比如'我和母亲关系不亲密'。

Allow yourself to grieve. Right? It's actually easier to hold on to hope when we allow ourselves the space of like, it simply might not happen. You know, one of the hardest things I find when I work with couples is that, you know, if one person truly wants to carry a child child and birth a child themselves, it's what are they telling themselves they won't have in the future if they open up the idea to fostering and adopting in these different things, right? And a lot of time it is about other wounds of like, oh, I wasn't close with my mother.

所以他们会觉得'如果选择领养而非生育，就意味着我也不会和孩子亲近'。人们给这些选择附加了太多额外意义——这对我的人格和人生目标意味着什么？

So if I adopt versus caring, like, I'm not gonna be close. And so it's I've attached all these other things to what that means, though. And what does that mean for me as a person and purpose?

明白了。所以必须拨开这些表层想法。广告之后，我们将继续解答听众们处于崩溃边缘的问题。准备好第三个问题了吗？好的。

Got it. So you have to get underneath all the other things. When we come back, more questions from listeners at their breaking points. You ready for number three? Yep.

亲爱的生活指南：由于丈夫的工作习惯，我越来越难以尊重他。疫情以来我们都居家办公。我以职业操守为傲，在同事和公司里口碑很好。丈夫收入比我高很多，但工作投入度远不及我。

Dear life kit. I'm having trouble respecting my husband because of his work habits. We've both been working from home since COVID. I pride myself on my work ethic and have a very good reputation amongst my peers and my company in general. My husband makes a substantial amount more than me, but he doesn't work nearly as hard as I do.

他每天早晨都在处理私事——动辄耗时数小时，经常提前下班或该工作时到处闲逛。这让我非常恼火，因为当他整天懈怠时，我近期工作压力大到考虑放弃二十多年的职位。返回办公室办公对我不可行。

He spends his morning doing personal things. We're talking hours at a time. He often signs off early or runs around during the day when he should be at his desk. This bothers me so much because while he's slacking off all day, my work has been so stressful lately that I'm considering leaving my position after twenty plus years on the job. Going back to the office isn't an option for me.

他本可以回办公室，但何必呢？现在这样太舒服了。除开朝九晚五的工作矛盾，我们婚姻的其他方面都很和谐，但这个烦人的问题快把我逼疯了。求助人敬上。

It is for him, but why would he go? He has it too good. My husband and I get along very well in every other aspect of our lives, but this pesky nine to five situation is driving me up the wall. Please help. Signed.

暴躁的同事。好吧，这个情况可能比我们之前听到的几个要轻松一些，但我真的能感受到CeCe的恼怒。Mariah，在我看来，这里的主要问题是嫉妒。你也是这样认为的吗？

Cranky coworker. Alright. So this situation is perhaps a bit more lighthearted than the last few we've heard, but I can really feel CeCe's irritation here. To me, Mariah, the main issue I'm seeing here is envy. Are you hearing this the same way?

是的。我绝对听到了嫉妒，他们感觉自己被困在了目前的处境中。更深层次地说，我认为有两个重要的问题：一是他们一开始就告诉我们，比如我为自己的工作道德感到自豪。所以他们的归属感、目的感和价值感与产出挂钩。而他们看到自己的伴侣，尽管收入不错，但产出却没有达到预期。

Yeah. I'm definitely hearing envy, jealousy, they feel stuck in their position. Deeper than that, I think there's two really big things is one, they're telling us right in the beginning, like I pride myself in their work ethic. So their sense of belonging, purpose, value is tied to output. And they're seeing their partner, even though they're bringing in a nice income, their output isn't there.

所以我认为这是嫉妒，但你也因此对伴侣失去了一些尊重，因为这是你尊重自己的方式。如果你在偷懒，实际上你是不快乐的，可能还在过度工作。所以你或许应该减少一些工作量。但你怎么能做到呢？因为这是你看待自己价值的方式。

So I think it's envy, but you've lost some respect for your partner in twisted into that, because that's how you respect yourself. And so if you were slacking off, I mean, reality, you're unhappy and probably overworking. So you probably should be working a little bit less. But how could you do that? Because that is how you see value in yourself.

所以你们需要作为伴侣来谈谈这个问题。但你不必强迫他们变得痛苦，这样你才能快乐。就像‘痛苦喜欢有伴’那样。为什么要这样对他们呢？

And so you got to talk about that as a couple. But you don't need to force them to be miserable so that you know, like the misery loves company Yeah. So that you're happy. Like, why? Why would you do that to them?

你爱他们。为什么要这样做？

You love them. Why would you do that?

完全同意。Maria，我想我们都有那些让人恼火的小毛病。伴侣身上总有些事会让我们特别不爽。我们如何判断什么时候值得说出来或试图改变，什么时候可能只是你自己需要处理的问题？

Absolutely. Maria, I think we all have those bugaboos. We we have things about our partner that really get under our skin. How can we gauge when it's worth speaking up about or trying to make a change and when it might just be your own issue to deal with?

嗯，希望你的伴侣能够对你说，比如，我觉得这可能和你的一些问题有关。明白我的意思吗？如果伴侣这样说，你能听得进去吗？比如，我在想这是否与你在工作中的不快乐有关，而把关系当作你不快乐的替罪羊很容易。这确实很难从伴侣那里听到，因为其中一部分是关系体系引发的问题。

Well, if hopefully your partner is able to say that to you, to be like, I think this could be some of your stuff. Right? You know what I mean? Can you hear that if your partner says that to be like, you know, I'm wondering if this has to do with you and your unhappiness at work, and it's easy to blame the relationship for your unhappiness. Right, which is like such a hard thing to hear from a partner, because some of it is the system of the relationship that is bringing it out.

而且，是的，我是说，他们听起来非常疲惫。那么，我们该如何处理你的疲惫与向外投射的问题？比如，你解决了这个问题。是的，我会感觉好一些。

And, yeah, I mean, and they sound very burnt out. So what are we doing about your burnt out versus projecting out? Like, you fix that. Yeah. I'm gonna feel better.

嗯。

Mhmm.

那样也是不可持续的。

That's not sustainable either.

最后一个问题。我们准备好了吗？嗯。亲爱的生活指南，我和丈夫在一起六年了，我们有一个一岁的儿子。在我们相遇之前，我们都曾有过认真的恋爱关系。

Last question. Are we ready? Mhmm. Dear life kit, my husband and I have been together for six years, and we have a one year old son. Before we met, we had both been in serious relationships.

我与前男友保持着礼貌但疏远的关系。而我丈夫的前女友却频繁出现在我们的生活中。她每年都会准时寄来圣诞贺卡，邮寄给他充满纪念意义的包裹，大约每月发短信聊天一次，偶尔还会因她遇到的一些问题歇斯底里地打电话来。我丈夫知道这一切让我困扰，但他感到矛盾，因为他仍然关心她，而且她患有严重的精神疾病。

I have a courteous but distant relationship with my ex. My husband's on the other hand, is very much in our lives. She sends us Christmas cards every year without fail. She mails him packages with sentimental objects, texts him about once a month to chat, and occasionally calls hysterical over some issues she's experiencing. My husband is aware that all of this bothers me, but he feels conflicted because he still cares about her and because she suffers from extreme mental illness.

六年来我一直对这个情况保持耐心，但我厌倦了她随心所欲地介入我们的生活。我该如何让丈夫明白适可而止？署名：六年之痒。好的。

I've been patient about the situation for six years, but I'm tired of her inserting herself into our lives whenever she feels like it. How do I make my husband understand enough is enough? Signed. Six year itch. Okay.

这显然是个棘手的情况。我认为，对我来说，导致局面发展到这种忍无可忍地步的复杂因素在于其中的心理健康问题。丈夫应该在多大程度上为前女友的心理健康负责？

This is clearly a sticky situation. The complicating factor here, I think, for me, the reason why it's gotten to an end of the rope type situation is the mental health portion of this. To what extent should the husband feel responsible for the mental health of a past girlfriend?

是的。我认为实际情况是，坦白说，他之所以纵容前女友是因为他有求必应。所以我觉得丈夫需要明白，这不仅仅是边界问题，还关乎你的新恋情、家庭、现在的父母等等，但更重要的是要真正思考与前任的关系。这对她有什么好处？他需要向前任重申：嘿，你知道的，请在特定时间之外不要在情绪崩溃时来电，你还能联系谁呢？

Yeah. I believe what's happening is he I mean, honestly, he's enabling the past girlfriend because he's available. So I think the husband understanding it's not just about it is about boundaries and your new relationship and family and your parent now, and all that, but it's much more around like, really think about this relationship with your ex. And what is this doing for her? He needs to reinstate to the ex like, hey, you know, please don't call after a certain time in a moment of distress, like who else can you call?

不管是不是前任，我认为有个只在困境中求助的朋友确实会影响关系，因为你知道，总是在晚餐时间、家庭时光这类时刻。又来了，某某又来电话了，因为他们把你当作某种伪心理医生，反反复复地找上门。所以告诉朋友设定界限是可以的，比如：我必须优先关爱眼前的家人，同时也在乎你。要守住这些边界。

Ex or not, I think having a friend that only reaches out in distress can really impact relationships because it's, know, during dinner, family time, things like that. And it's Oh, here's so and so calling again, because they reach for you as sort of like the fake therapist, you know, over and over and over again. So it's okay to tell a friend to set some boundaries and be like, I have to love my family right here and I do care about you. And to sort of hold some of those boundaries.

听起来我们的来信者'六年之痒'曾试图向丈夫传达这个信息，但对方置若罔闻。是的。她的问题是：怎样才能让丈夫明白适可而止？

It sounds like our letter writer, Six Year Itch, has tried to get this message across to her husband, and it's fallen on deaf ears. Yeah. Her question is, how do I make my husband understand enough is enough?

是啊，让人理解你的立场和感受很难。所以要持续表达你的感受，而非指挥对方怎么做。如果这对夫妻在我面前做伴侣治疗，我会问丈夫：谈谈你被抛弃的经历吧，说说那个创伤。

Yeah. It's hard to make someone understand your perspective and feeling. So keep talking about how it feels for you versus telling them what to do. And if the couple was in the room with me, like if this brought them into couples therapy, I would ask the husband, tell me about when you were abandoned. Tell me about that wound.

如果你理解丈夫为何觉得'我不能对困境中的人见死不救'，就能明白这与前任无关，而是伴侣需要在此刻现身。关键要告诉妻子：有某种深层原因让他无法抽身。这并不意味着如果他足够爱你就会改变。我们常陷入这种困境——当伴侣不改变时，或自我安慰说改变就意味着我赢了、我足够好、他们够在乎、选择了留下。

If you understand why the husband feels like I cannot abandon someone in distress, you can start to see it's not about the ex. It's about my partner's need to show up here. And the important thing to tell to the wife is something's going on that they can't step away. And it doesn't mean if they loved you enough, they would. And a lot of times we struggle with that when a partner doesn't change, or we tell ourselves when they do change, it means I've won, I'm enough, they care enough, they're choosing to be here.

但当人们无法改变时，往往有重大原因。大多数情况下，并非他还爱着前任，对吧？听起来更像是忧虑、恐惧、愧疚。

But when people can't change, something huge is happening. And most of the time, it's not that he's in love with his ex. Right? It sounds like worry, fear, guilt.

这封信让我思考一个更宏观的问题：我们对所爱之人负有什么义务？我想我们都会为亲友做出某种程度的牺牲——勉强应付讨厌的叔叔、接听深夜来电、搬家、借钱等等。你该如何划定界限，才能避免对至亲之人彻底失去耐心？

What this what this letter brought for me is a larger question of of what do we owe the people we love? You know, I think we all make sacrifices for our friends and family to some extent, playing nice with that uncle you can't stand, picking up the late night phone call, moving, lending some money, etcetera. Where do you draw a boundary so you can avoid ever getting to the end of your rope with a loved one?

是的。我特别喜欢这句话：边界就是爱自己与爱他人之间的距离。我们对我们所爱的人负有什么责任？爱并不意味着在任何时候、以任何状态或形式、不惜一切代价地百分百付出。那不是爱，对吧？

Yeah. I love the quote, boundaries is distance between loving myself and loving you. What do we owe people we love? Love is not 1000% showing up at all times in any state or any form and just at any cost to yourself. That's not love, right?

这很值得思考，不是吗？我们对这类关系有很多不同的称呼，比如共生关系等等。当伴侣的行为正在破坏他们现实生活的稳定性时，接听那些电话并不是爱的表现，因为那实际上在伤害他们。明白吗？

That's something, right? We have a lot of different names for those things, codependent relationships, all these different things. This partner is doing something that is creating instability in their active life. It is not an act of love picking up those phone calls because it's hurting them. Right?

这种行为正在伤害他们深爱的人——那个与他们共同养育孩子、此刻就站在眼前的人。所以这并非源于整体健康的状态，也不是在朝着稳定生活的方向努力，而是出于其他原因。

It's hurting someone they love who they have a child with, who's right here in front of them. So it's not coming from a place of overall wellness and building towards a life that's stable. It's coming from something else.

玛丽亚·西克，非常感谢您抽出时间分享建议。在结束前，我们邀请每位《亲爱的生活指南》嘉宾给出最重要的建议。我很想听听您的。

Mariah Seeker to hear. Thank you so much for your time, for your advice. Before you go, we ask every guest of Dear Life Kit for their best piece of advice. I would love to hear yours.

我最近深刻体会到的建议是：倾听自己的内心。当我们忽视直觉时，实际上是在背叛自己，我们必须停止这种行为。

My advice that I'm really sitting in is about listening to yourself. When we don't listen to our intuition, we're actually really betraying ourself, and we need to stop doing that.

谢谢您，玛丽亚。

Thanks, Mariah.

谢谢。

Thank you.

以上是《生活指南》记者安迪·泰格尔的报道。本期节目由西尔维·道格拉斯制作，视觉编辑贝丝·卡林，数字编辑玛莉卡·格雷布。梅根·凯恩担任监制，贝丝·多诺万为执行制片人。制作团队还包括玛格丽特·索里诺和克莱尔·玛丽·施耐德。

That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tegel. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our visuals editor is Beth Carlin, and our digital editor is Malika Grebe. Megan Kane is our supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Margaret Sorino and Claire Marie Schneider.

工程支持由蒂芙尼·维拉卡斯特罗提供。我是玛丽埃尔·塞格拉。感谢您的收听。

Engineering support comes from Tiffany Veracastro. I'm Mariel Seguera. Thanks for listening.