亲爱的生活指南：我受够了这些不受欢迎的关注

在逆境中茁壮成长，这是地球上那些不可思议的物种每天都在做的事。

Thriving in the face of adversity, that's something the incredible species of our world do every day.

我是克里斯·摩根。

I'm Chris Morgan.

欢迎加入《野性世界》，我们将一同探索自然界中关于希望与韧性的故事，以及它们能教会我们如何理解自己和他人。

Join me on The Wild as we explore stories of hope and resilience in nature and what they can teach us about ourselves and each other.

请收听来自西雅图KUW电台的《野性世界》，NPR广播网的一部分。

Listen to the wild from KUW in Seattle, part of the NPR network.

您正在收听NPR出品的《生活指南》。

You're listening to Life Kit from NPR.

嘿。

Hey.

我是玛丽埃尔。

It's Marielle.

今天我们要聊聊如何应对那些多余且无理的劝告。

Today, we're talking about how to deal with unwanted and unwarranted advice.

还记得那句老话吗？

Now what's that old expression?

意见就像肾上腺——

Opinions are like adrenal glands.

大多数人都有，而且总觉得自己的最棒。也就是说，很多人对于提建议这事特别热衷。

Most of us have them, and we tend to think ours are the best, which is to say a lot of people have strong opinions about offering advice and opinions.

哈，我可太爱给人建议了。

Oh, I love giving advice.

可惜，这是未经请求的。

Unfortunately, unsolicited.

明白我的意思吗？

See what I mean?

顺便说一句，那是NPR的布列塔尼·卢斯。

That was NPR's Brittany Luce, by the way.

如果你还不认识她，她是《It's Been a Minute》的主持人。

If you don't know her already, she's the host of It's Been a Minute.

每周她都会深入探讨我们文化中的热点，并帮助听众理解这些现象。

And every week, she does a deep dive into what's going on in our culture and helps listeners make sense of it.

所以她对这些事情有独到见解很正常，而我会相信她的观点。

So it makes sense that she would have hot takes on things, and I would trust them.

但我确实会寻求建议。

But I do seek advice.

我对不擅长某些事、不了解某些事感到坦然，会直接找人求助，比如问'你能帮我吗？'

I'm comfortable with not being an expert on something and not knowing something and going to somebody, like, to be like, can you help me with this?

或者'你觉得我该怎么做？'

Or what do you think I should do?

问题是试图提供帮助和直接评判或批评你是有区别的。

The thing is there is a difference between someone attempting to be helpful and just straight up judging or criticizing you.

我是那种'如果你有智慧，我会虚心学习'的人。

I'm someone who's like, if you have wisdom, like, I'll learn from it.

我很乐意从中学习。

I'm happy to learn from it.

但我确实认为，如果你直接说'不'，情况会有所不同。

But I do think it's different if you're like, no.

我过得很好，不需要你那些可能带有评判意味的意见，或者暗示我做错了什么。

I'm going along just fine, and I don't need your opinion that might be judgmental or, like, you're doing it wrong.

这类建议通常没人喜欢，真的没人喜欢。

Like, that advice is generally like, nobody likes nobody likes it.

这位是临床心理学家阿迪亚·古登。

That's clinical psychologist Adia Gooden.

你可能在我们'如何做个优雅的输家'或'如何停止自我伤害'的节目中认识她。

You might recognize her from our episodes on how to be a good loser or how to stop hurting your own feelings.

她主张拥抱无条件的自我价值，这对我们今天的话题是非常实用的技能。

She's all about embracing unconditional self worth, a very useful skill to have in your back pocket when it comes to today's topic.

在本期《亲爱的生活工具包》中，生活工具包记者安迪·泰格尔的建议专栏里，布兰妮和阿迪亚将为您提供关于建议的建议。

On this edition of Dear Life kit, the advice series from life kit reporter Andy Tegel, Britney and Adia are gonna give you advice about advice.

她们将指导您如何处理伤人的姻亲、过度好奇的旁观者，以及那些本意良好却总对您抱有超高期望的家人。

They'll talk you through how to handle hurtful in laws, overly curious onlookers, and those family members that mean well but can't seem to quit with their lofty expectations.

本节目由Pushkin Industries为您呈现。

This message is brought to you by Pushkin Industries.

为什么现代女性仍然难以获取关于自己身体的可靠健康信息？

Why is it still so hard for women to find reliable modern health information about their own bodies?

在《解码女性健康》播客中，您将获得专家见解以助您茁壮成长。

On the Decoding Women's Health podcast, you'll get expert insights to help you thrive.

您可以在任何播客平台收听。

Listen wherever you get podcasts.

本条消息来自Marketplace旗下的播客节目《Make Me Smart》。

This message comes from Make Me Smart, a podcast from Marketplace.

每周，主持人Kimberly Adams都会解析科技、文化和经济领域最重要的动态，以及它们如何影响你的日常生活。

Throughout the week, host Kimberly Adams breaks down the most important stories in tech, culture, and the economy, and how they impact your daily life.

欢迎在你喜爱的播客应用上收听《Make Me Smart》。

Listen to Make Me Smart on your favorite podcast app.

好的，各位。

Okay, everybody.

第一个问题是：

Here's question one.

亲爱的生活指南，我正在为与未来嫂子的关系感到困扰。

Dear life kit, I'm struggling with my relationship with my future sister-in-law.

她经常说些伤人又刻薄的话。

She often says things that are hurtful or judgmental.

有一次她对我说：'我爱你，但你这种自我为中心的人根本不配养狗。'

One time, she told me, I love you, but you're too much of a self absorbed person to own a dog.

而当时我正在给她送饭。

And this was over a meal that I had brought over for her.

我过去养过宠物，带大过妹妹，还照顾过生病的母亲。

I've had pets in the past, raised my younger sister, taken care of my sick mom.

我定期做志愿者。

I volunteer regularly.

我不认为自己的生活方式在大多数人眼中是自私的。

I don't live my life in a way that I think most would consider self absorbed.

她经常对我和我的未婚夫（她哥哥）做出的决定评头论足。

She frequently comments on the decisions my fiance, her brother, and I make.

她的评论让我们对自己的决定产生怀疑，情绪低落。

Her comments make us second guess our decisions and bring us down.

过去当我未婚夫提出反对意见时，她会直接驳回，并固执地认为自己是对的而他是错的。

In the past, when my fiance has brought up an opposing opinion, she shuts him down and is adamant that she is right and he is wrong.

所以最近我开始躲着她。

So lately, I've begun avoiding her.

我该如何以健康的方式应对这种情况，并与她建立健康的关系？

How can I cope with the situation in a healthy way and have a healthy relationship with her?

署名：感到心寒的人

Signed, feeling frozen.

嗯，我认为这种情况需要意识到别人的评论其实与你无关。

Well, I, you know, I think this is a situation of needing to recognize when someone's comments are not about you.

我是说，很多时候人际互动中发生的事既与他们无关，也与我们无关。

I mean, many of the times when we interact with people is not it's about them, it's not about us.

如果你清楚自己并不自私、不以自我为中心，就不该让别人的评价动摇你，或颠覆你从自身经历中获得的真实认知。

And if you know for yourself that you are not selfish, that you are not self absorbed, then you shouldn't let somebody's comment that you are derail you or override what you know to be true from your own experience from how you've shown up.

所以我认为首先要做到：如何牢记并认清自我，并扎根于这种认知？

So I think the first thing is how do you remember who you are and know who you are and be grounded in that?

其次要如何判断和辨别该采纳谁的意见，又该忽略谁的意见？

And then how do you determine and discern whose opinion you're going to take and whose opinion you're going to leave, right?

比如如果是你睿智的祖母说'你最近有点太关注自己了，我希望你考虑下这个'，这和一位你感觉并不真正了解你、总爱妄加评论、常让你难受的嫂子说的话就截然不同。

Like if it's your wise grandma and she says, hey, it seems like you've been focusing on yourself a little too much and I want you to think about this, That might be very different than a sister-in-law who you don't really feel knows you, tends to make judgmental comments, and is often making you feel bad.

对吧？

Right?

所以她可能是那种你会觉得'我要把你的意见留在那边，因为那是关于你的'的人。

So she may be somebody who you're like, I'm gonna leave your opinions over there because that's about you.

真的与我无关。

It's really not about me.

然后你可能还需要设定一些界限，比如'嘿，你知道吗，当你给我建议时我感觉被评判了，所以我希望这不要成为我们关系的一部分'之类的。

And then you may also need to set some boundaries like, hey, you know, it feels I feel judged when you you give me advice, so I prefer that not to be part of our relationship or something.

对吧？

Right?

你们可能需要在某个时候进行一次谈话。

You may have a conversation at some point.

我深有同感。

I echo that.

我认为你无法控制她。

I think that, you can't control her.

你只能控制自己的行为，对吧。

You can only control how you Right.

在某种程度上控制你与她互动的方式和时机，以及你如何看待她对你说的话和关于你的评价。

How and when you interact with her to a certain degree, and also, like, how you wanna take on what she's saying to and about you.

不过我还有个问题，你未婚夫在这整件事中是什么立场？

Another question that I have though, where is your fiance in all this?

说到底，是的。

Like at the end of the day Yeah.

那是我的问题。

That was my question.

那是他的妹妹。

That's his sister.

我认为他在管理你们作为夫妻与她的关系上可以发挥更大的作用。

And I think he could play maybe a bigger role in managing your relationship as a couple to her.

听起来似乎还有这样的情况：他在承受她对他的评判以及你们之间关系的很多压力。

It also sounds like maybe there's something going on where he's also taking on a lot as far as like her judgments of him and you guys' relationship.

这也是需要留意的一点。

And that is also something to kind of like be aware of.

记得我的治疗师曾对我说过，当我谈论与某人的棘手问题时，她说，你有没有考虑过这个人可能永远不会改变？

Like, I remember my therapist at one point saying to me, when I was talking about somebody that I was having a difficult issue with, and she said, you know, have you ever considered that this person may never change?

希望你考虑这一点，然后思考未来你希望如何自处。

Like, want you to consider that, and then think about how you wanna conduct yourself going forward.

是的，我认为这不仅是你需要做的，听起来你的未婚夫可能也需要这样做。

And, yeah, I think that's not just something for you to do, but it sounds like it may be something for your fiance to do as well.

是的。

Yeah.

我在这里的一个疑问是，当他们开始新生活，逐渐疏远妹妹时，这种表面现象可能会让人感到艰难。

The one question that I had here is as they're starting a new life, as they're starting to pull away from the sister, like, the optics of that can feel hard.

看起来他们似乎可以在不完全断绝关系的情况下保持距离。

It seems like there might be space for them to distance without, like, totally cutting off.

我认为如果有人质疑，你也可以给人们一个机会去做出不同的选择。

And I think if people question, you could also just you can give people an opportunity to do something different.

你也可以说

You can also say

嗯。

Mhmm.

嘿，你知道吗，每次你说这些话时，我都觉得在被评判和批评，这让我很不舒服。

Hey, you know, every time you make these comments, it makes me feel judged and criticized, and I don't like it.

我希望你能停止这样做。

And I'm hoping you could stop.

你可以给他们一个改正的机会，让他们试着改变。

And you can give them an opportunity to stop, and they can try.

如果他们做到了，那很好。

And if they do, great.

如果他们没做到，他们就会清楚知道关系变化的原因。

And if they don't, they'll know exactly why there has been a shift.

是啊。

Yeah.

这让我想到我常说的一句话。

That makes me think of something that I say.

就像我的人生信条：我会尽我所能付出爱，但不会超出这个限度。

It's like a personal philosophy, which is like, I'm gonna give as much as I can lovingly and no more.

嗯。

Mhmm.

因为如果你付出的超出了你能带着爱意给予的范围，结果要么引发冲突，要么让你觉得吃亏。

Because if you if you give more than what you can give lovingly, you're either gonna either leads to conflict, or it leads to you feeling shortchanged.

即使对方没事，你也会感觉很糟，因为你觉得自己过度付出却被践踏了。

Even if the other person is fine, right, you're feeling terrible because you feel like you overextended yourself and you got trampled on.

这只会让所有人都不开心。

And it just it doesn't make anybody happy.

哇。

Wow.

我喜欢这个观点。

I love that.

这是个很棒的处世哲学。

That's a great philosophy.

接下来是第二个问题。

Moving on to question two.

亲爱的生活指南：作为一个身高六英尺的女性，我经常听到陌生人用各种方式说‘哇’。

Dear life kit, As a six foot tall woman, I am often told by complete strangers variations of, wow.

‘你好高啊’。

You're tall.

这让我感到不适，觉得自己像个奇观。

It makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit like a spectacle.

有人说我该把这当作赞美，但我觉得别人用震惊的语气指出我最显著的特征很无礼。

Some people say I should take it as a compliment, but I think it's rude for others to announce my most prominent feature to me with a tone of shock.

我不想让这些评论变得理所当然，但也不想让评论者难堪。

I don't wanna normalize the comments, but I don't wanna embarrass the commenters either.

我该如何回应呢？

How can I respond?

已签。

Signed.

比我的身高还多。

More than my height.

比我的身高还多。

More than my height.

我很欣赏你不想让发表这些评论的人难堪的态度。

I appreciate the the fact that you don't wanna embarrass, the people who are making these comments.

但我想建议，或许不需要100%的难堪，甚至60%也不必，可以来个恰到好处的15%小尴尬，比如回应说'天啊，你是第一个跟我这么说的人'。

But I I just wanna offer, maybe not 100% embarrassment, or even like 60% embarrassment, but maybe a nice little gritty 15% embarrassment, where you can respond with like, oh my gosh, you are the you are, you know, you're the first person to tell me that.

然后给他们一点笑声，这样你既给了他们和你一起笑的机会，他们也明白你是认真的。

And just give them a little giggle, and then you kind of give them the opportunity to laugh with you, but they know, like, you're not playing.

如果第一次他们没领会暗示，那就可以直接问：'这就是让你如此在意、非得现在说出来的事情吗？'

And then, if they don't take the hint the first time, then you can just be direct and be like, does this the is this the thing that's catching your attention so much that you have to say something right now?

我觉得可以先用一个小玩笑给人一次机会，让他们知道你不喜欢这样，之后如果再犯，直截了当点明，人们就会明白了。

Just feel like if you can give someone sort of like one pass with a little joke to sort of let them know that you don't like it, and then after that, I think if you're really direct, then people will get it.

嗯。

Mhmm.

是的。

Yeah.

我同意布兰妮的看法。

I agree with Britney.

如果有人持续越界，就该严肃对待，明确表示：这样不妥。

If people are continuing to sort of like cross this boundary, being more serious about it and being like, it's not cool.

我对这个感到不舒服。

I'm not comfortable with it.

请停下。

Please stop.

而且我认为，你知道，如果有人我同意。

And I think, you know, if somebody I agree.

如果有人感到有点尴尬或有点像是，哦，我不该那么做。

If somebody feels a little embarrassed or a little like, oh, I shouldn't have done.

就像是，确实如此，这没关系。

It's like, that's true, and that's okay.

你并不是在说自己是个可怕的人，会做出那种事。

You're not saying you're an awful person that you would ever do.

对吧？

Right?

你并没有那样做，但你在传达，实际上，你的行为是有问题的。

You're not doing that, but you're communicating like, actually, what you did is problematic.

应该让别人稍微感受一下，这样他们才会停止这么做。

Somebody else should feel a little taste of it so that they stop doing it.

这样很好。

That's good.

接下来还有更多来自《亲爱的生活指南》的问题。

More questions from Dear Life Kit after this.

现在进入第三个问题。

Moving on to question number three.

亲爱的生活指南，我和男友交往七年了，开始感受到来自家人朋友的压力，催促我们安定下来举办婚礼。

Dear life kit, I've been with my boyfriend for seven years, and I'm starting to feel pressure from family members and friends to settle down and have a wedding.

我们确实计划结婚，但目前两人经济都不稳定。

We're planning on getting married, but neither of us are financially stable right now.

我们想等到经济状况更稳定时再筹备婚礼。

We wanna wait until we are in a more secure place to make wedding plans.

我该如何礼貌地告诉人们我们并不急于结婚？

How can I let people know that we're not in a hurry to get married without being rude?

此致

Signed this.

哦，请继续。

Oh, go ahead.

是的。

Yeah.

署名'不急先生'，不过地球上每个人肯定都能签这个名。

Signed not in a hurry, but also could be signed by everybody on Earth for sure.

我想我们都有类似的经历。

We all have a version of this, I think.

单身但有伴侣的

Single partnered.

已婚的，未婚的

Married, not married.

人人都爱指点你的人生落后了。

Everyone loves to tell you that you are behind in your life.

你做错了。

You are doing it wrong.

布兰妮，你怎么看？

Britney, thoughts?

我经历过这些。

I lived this.

当你直白地说，比如，我和我丈夫，他在交往三年后求婚，对某些人来说这时间实在太长了。

When you literally say, like, my my husband and I, we got he proposed after three years, which for some people is way too long.

等到我们2022年结婚时，我们在一起已经七年左右了。

And then by the time we got married in 2022, we had been together about seven years.

所有人都在问，你们为什么要结婚？

And everybody was asking, like, why are you getting married?

等我们真结了婚，我想你就不会再被大家唠叨了。

And then as soon as we did that, I think you got everyone off your back.

然后大家又开始问，好吧，那你们的孩子呢？

And then everyone's like, okay, well, where are your kids?

要知道，归根结底，我觉得有两件事在发生。

And, you know, people at the end of the day, I think there's like two things happening.

一方面是你生活中的人们可能看到你非常幸福，为你们的关系感到高兴，想要庆祝你们，也希望你能感受到他们从自己类似的庆祝中获得的那种快乐。

One thing is that people in your life probably see that you're very happy and are happy for your relationship, and want to celebrate it and you, and would love to see you feel the happiness that perhaps they get or have gotten from those celebrations that they've had of their own.

所以这可能源自非常善意的出发点。

So it can be coming from like a very loving place.

但另一方面，我觉得当人们觉得你没有按照他们觉得舒适的时间表达成某些人生里程碑时，他们有时也会感到非常焦虑。

And then there's also like another aspect of it, which is that people I think also sometimes feel a lot of anxiety if they feel like you are not hitting certain milestones in a timeline that's comfortable for them.

然后他们可以把那份焦虑投射到你身上。

And then they can take that anxiety and project it onto you.

我的意思是，当你们准备结婚共同生活时，回想我们讨论的第一个问题，现在正是你们讨论并制定策略的好时机，思考如何应对他人的反馈和意见。

And I mean, as you are bringing your lives together to get married, thinking back to that first question we discussed, now is a great time for you all to discuss and strategize how you're going to deal with feedback and input from other people.

我对人们说的话，可能不如DM建议你该说的那么完美。

And what I said to people, maybe it's probably not as great as what a DM might say you should say to people.

但我对人们说，如果你有3万美元想给我，比如你想存钱，如果你有几万美元想给我，尽管来吧。

But I said to people, if you got $30,000 for me that you wanna break off, like if you wanna deposit, if got if you got tens of thousands of dollars that you wanna give me, go right ahead.

另一种稍微温和些的说法是：我目前没有任何进展可以分享，但一旦有消息，你会是第一个知道的。

The other thing that I would say that was mildly gentler is like, I don't have any updates to share right now, but when I do, you'll be the first to know.

这就是我现在被问到生孩子时的回答：哦，我目前还没有任何计划。

Which is what I say now when people ask me about having children, say, oh, I don't have any updates right now.

但一旦有计划，你会是第一个知道的。

But when I do, you'll be the first to know.

这就是我父母问起二胎时我的原话回答。

That's so that's exactly what I I tell my parent when they ask about the second when they ask about.

所以现在我们的新标准是：要个弟弟妹妹。

So now my new benchmark is for us is a is for a sibling.

我就问：你们付托儿所费用吗？

And I'm like, are you paying for daycare?

你们什么时候搬来住？

When are you moving in?

是啊。

Yeah.

基准测试永无止境。

There's never an end to benchmark.

这一切都非常好。

This is all very good.

艾迪，你有什么想法要告诉我们吗？

Idea, what do you what do you have for us?

是的。

Yeah.

我同意布里特妮说的。

I agree with what Britney said.

我认为如果人们是出于爱意，就像在说，你知道的，我们对于如何共同开启人生新篇章是非常慎重和深思熟虑的。

I think if people are coming from a loving place, just saying like, you know, we're being really intentional and thoughtful about how we wanna start our next chapter of our lives together.

婚礼很昂贵。

Weddings are expensive.

我们不想在负债或即将负债的情况下开始共同生活。

We don't wanna start our lives together in debt or going into debt.

我觉得这某种程度上触及了布里特妮提到的焦虑问题。

I think sort of touching on what Britney mentioned about anxiety.

对吧？

Right?

有时候，你知道，可能是那种焦虑，比如如果你不立刻嫁给他，他就会离开。

Sometimes, you know, it could be anxiety of like, you know, if you don't marry him right away, he gonna leave.

所以我认为，再次强调，这可能是你需要表态的时刻，要么说'谢谢你的意见，但我们会做适合我们的事'，要么就让它过去，想着'好吧，很高兴你知道那不是我们的情况'。

And so I think, again, sort of like, it might be a time when you're like, either like, you know, like, thanks for your opinion, but we're gonna do what's right for us or like, letting it roll off and just being like, okay, like, I'm glad you know, that's not our situation.

比如，我并不担心他会离开我。

Like, we're not I'm not worried he's gonna leave me.

我不担心这个或那个会发生。

I'm not worried this or that, the other is gonna happen.

我觉得开个玩笑也挺好，因为人们会想'哦，哦，好吧'。

I think making a joke about it can be good too because people are like, oh, oh, oh, okay.

对吧？

Right?

他们通常就会退让了。

They'll usually back off.

我喜欢这个做法。

I like that.

我最后一个问题是，我们生活中都有那些特别执着的人，对吧？

My last question for you is we all have those people in our lives that push harder, you know?

嗯。

Mhmm.

这有个程度问题。

There there's a spectrum.

所以当温和的方式不奏效时，第二步该怎么做？

So when that light touch doesn't work, what's level two?

就像布列塔尼说的，'请别再问我们了'。

What Brittany was saying, it's like, you know, please stop asking us.

这确实有点让人沮丧和恼火。

It's it's kind of frustrating and annoying.

当你们不断询问我们的计划时，我们一定会让你们知道我们何时朝那个方向发展。

When you keep asking us about our plans, we will be sure to let you know when we are going in that direction.

但在那之前，我只希望你们尊重我们的决策过程。

But until then, I just ask that you respect our decision making.

我同意。

I agree.

而且你必须坚决回绝。

And you just gotta you gotta really push back.

或者说，我其实从没这么做过，但如果情况发展到某种程度，你可以直接给他们一个明确的答复，就像'我已经告诉过你了'。

Or, I mean, I have never really had to do this, but, like, you could also, like if it gets if it gets to a certain point, you could just give them a complete, like, I already told you.

我不会讨论这个。

I'm not discussing this.

然后你就等着看。

And then you just wait.

天啊。

Oh my gosh.

这会让人们感到不安。

It unsettles people.

是的。

Yeah.

因为我觉得这些人有一部分是想让你和他们进行谈判。

Because I think part of this people want you to get into a negotiation with them.

就像，你觉得...

Like, you feeling like,

哦，我

oh, I

必须给出我所有的理由，而你就像，布兰妮说的那样，我已经告诉过你了。

have to give all my reasons, and you like, what Britney said is like, I already told you.

就像是，我不会参与这个讨论。

It's like, I'm not engaging in this discussion.

就像，我们的决定已经做好了。

Like, our decision is made.

对吧。

Right.

嗯哼。

And Mhmm.

因为人们希望能够说服你，或者你为什么这么想？

Because people wanna be able to I wanna convince you or why do you think?

好吧，不。

Well, no.

我们的决定已经做好了。

Our decision is made.

是的。

Yep.

然后就不参与了。

And then not engaging.

不跟你的人生计划讨价还价。

Not negotiating your life plan.

真好笑。

So funny.

我觉得我们今天给出的建议很多都是这样——嗯哼。

I feel like so much of the advice we've given today is like Mhmm.

别听别人的建议。

Don't take other people's advice.

听我们的建议。

Take our advice.

但别听其他人的。

But not others.

好的。

Okay.

我们的最后一个问题，第四个问题。

Our final question, question number four.

亲爱的生活指南，我最近和一群同事变得很亲近。

Dear life kit, I've grown close with a group of coworkers lately.

我们组里有个朋友今年晚些时候要结婚了。

One friend in our group will be getting married later this year.

我们大多数人对这位朋友即将到来的婚姻心情复杂。

Most of us have mixed feelings about our friend's upcoming marriage.

她看起来很幸福，但我们不赞成她未婚夫对待她的方式。

She seems happy, but we disapprove of how her fiance treats her.

我们认为她值得更好的。

We think she deserves better.

我们在集体场合观察过他。

We've observed him in group settings.

他态度疏离，难以沟通，表现得好像自己高人一等。

He's disengaged, hard to talk to, and acts as if he's too good for the gathering.

我们考虑过他可能只是害羞或笨拙，但另一位同事注意到我们朋友的未婚夫既冷淡又爱发号施令。

We consider that he might just be shy or awkward, but another coworker has noticed that our friend's fiance withholds affection and bosses her around.

我们几个人讨论后一致认为，如果处在她的位置，我们会希望有人告知这些情况。

A few of us talked it over and agreed that if we were in her situation, we would want someone to tell us.

我们应该告诉她吗？

Should we tell her?

此致

Signed.

关心你的同事们

Caring coworkers.

我不认为他们会想从同事那里听到这些

I do not think it's true that they would wanna know from a coworker

嗯哼

Mhmm.

如果同事不喜欢他们的未婚夫的话

If their coworker did not like their fiance.

就是啊

Like Right.

没错

Yeah.

在什么世界里？

In what world?

在什么世界里？

In what world?

你不会的。

You would not.

你不会的。

You would not.

对吧？

Right?

而且不行。

And No.

比如，你要从所有人中挑几个出来，把他们拉进会议室然后说

Like, from one from all you're gonna pull them into a conference room and be like

她会，她会把你们全都切断联系。

She will she will cut you all off.

我们都有过本不该维持的关系，也见过朋友和不太合适的人交往，所以很清楚直接说'姑娘，他不适合你'基本上没用。

We've all had enough relationships with people we probably shouldn't have been with and seen friends in relationship with people that weren't great to know that it basically never works to be like, girl, he ain't for you.

是啊。

Yeah.

是啊。

Yeah.

我们什么时候听过这种话？

When have we listened to that?

是啊。

Yeah.

我们什么时候会这样，哦，我朋友都说，他不适合我。

When have we ever been like, oh, my friends were like, he ain't for me.

而我

And I

当时就想，好吧，我要和他分手。

was like, okay, I'm gonna break up with him.

对吧？

Right?

就是，这根本

Like, it just

对。

Yeah.

事情不是这样运作的。

That's not how it works.

首先，要一对一，不要搞集体干预。

First of all, one on one, do not stage an intervention.

别组团去告诉这姑娘你们不喜欢她的未婚夫，那根本没用。

Do not go as a group and tell this girl that you don't like her fiance that is not gonna work.

她再也不会跟你们聊这段感情了，你们也见不到他了。

She's not gonna talk to you about the relationship anymore, and you will not see him anymore.

没错。

Nope.

你们不会再是亲密的同事了。

You're not gonna be close coworkers anymore.

不。

No.

是的。

Yeah.

我同意。

I agree.

尽管你可能百分百正确，但令人受伤的是，你从一开始就能预见到

As much as you could be 100% right, and that's the thing that'll hurt is, like, you could call it from jump

是啊。

Yeah.

而最终你可能被证明完全正确。

And you could be a 100% right in the end.

百分之百正确。

100% right.

但作为关系之外的第三方，尤其是作为同事，这并不总是该由你来指出的。

But it is not something that is really always for you to point out as an outside party to the relationship, especially as a coworker.

不过，如果是超级亲密的兄弟姐妹或真正的闺蜜，那种死党，我觉得你或许有一次机会可以说：'嘿，我就是想确认一下，这么大的变化，你感觉如何？'

Now, as a super close sibling or a real home girl, like the bestie, right, I generally think that you have maybe one time to say, hey, I just wanna check-in with you, like, is a big change, like, how are you feeling?

你真的百分百确定这是适合你的人吗？

Do you really feel a 100% sure this is the right person for you?

如果他们说是，你就说：'好吧。'

And then if they say yes, you just go, alright.

然后你得管住嘴，做个倾听者，做个朋友，给予支持。

And then you gotta keep that mouth shut, Be a sounding board, be a friend, be supportive.

如果你真心把这个人当朋友，就不会希望他们陷入被伴侣孤立且遭受恶劣对待的处境。

And if you really care about this person as a friend, you don't want them to be in a situation where they're socially isolated with a partner who's really not nice to them.

而且，或许在未来的某个时刻，他们会逐渐看清身边这些人。

And, you know, maybe one point in the future, they will kind of see all these people around them.

他们会想，好吧，这个人让我自我感觉良好。

They're like, okay, well, this person makes me feel really good about myself.

我和这个人相处特别开心，而那个人总是秒接电话想和我聊天。

And I have so much fun with this person and this one, like, is always picking up the phone and wants to talk to me.

这个人总想和我去农贸市场，愿意尝试任何我想尝试的新爱好。

And this person always wants to go to like, you know, the farmer's market with me and try whatever new hobby I wanna try.

他们会开始明白，既然我在这些被全力支持的关系里都感觉很好，或许这个人真的不适合我。

They'll start to kinda see like, okay, well, if I feel great in all these other relationships where I'm really supported, maybe this person really isn't for me.

这是场持久战，不急于一时。但如果你真心在乎某人，就会想作为朋友默默支持他们。

It's a long game and it's not necessarily for the week, but, you know, if you really care about someone, then you really just wanna have their back and be there as a friend.

天啊，这太难了

Man, is that hard

做到吗？

to do?

噢，确实很难。

It's oh, it's hard.

太难了。

It's hard.

在你离开前，我们想请每位《亲爱的生活指南》的嘉宾分享一条最佳建议。

Before you go, we ask every guest of Dear Life Kit for their best piece of advice.

我们很想听听你的建议。

We would love to hear yours.

拉黑删除。

Block and delete.

拉黑删除。

Block and delete.

拉黑删除。

Block and delete.

拉黑拉黑删除。

Block Block and delete.

暧昧关系、前任、

Situationship, ex,

旧情人。

old hookup.

如果你想继续前进，就拉黑删除。

If you wanna move forward with your life, block and delete.

没错。

Yes.

如果你想沉溺过去、幻想破灭、心碎不已或持续受伤、浪费时间自怨自艾，那就随你便。

If you wanna play in the past and fantasize and get your heart broken or keep it broken and waste time and be upset, do what you wanna do.

但如果你想向前看，就拉黑删除。

But if you wanna move forward, block and delete.

今天有人需要听到这句话。

Someone needed to hear that today.

我的建议有点不同，那就是学会做自己的好朋友。

Well, mine's a little different, but it would be to learn to be a good friend to yourself.

对吧？

Right?

你看，我们要应对这么多事情，最不需要的就是不断评判和苛责自己。

Like, we deal with so much, and the last thing we need is to be judging and criticizing ourselves constantly.

所以越能学会对自己友善、富有同情心，成为自己的好朋友，生活就会越轻松。

So the more you can learn to be kind and compassionate and a good friend to yourself, I think the easier life is.

阿迪娅·布里特妮，非常感谢你抽空参与。

Adia Brittney, thank you so much for your time.

真是荣幸。

What a pleasure.

谢谢。

Thanks.

这次很开心。

This was fun.

谢谢。

Thank you.

太有趣了。

This was so fun.

刚才发言的是Life Kit记者安迪·泰格尔，他与阿迪娅·古登和布里特妮·卢斯进行了对话。

That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tegel talking to Adia Gooden and Brittany Luce.

这就是我们今天的节目。

And that's our show.

在结束前，我想请大家帮个忙。

Before we go, I do have a favor to ask you.

如果你有空的话，能否给《生活指南》留下五星好评？

If you have a second, would you leave Life Kit a five star review?

如果《生活指南》曾帮你省过钱、做出更健康的选择，或是让你感到被理解，五星好评就是表达支持的最好方式。

If Life Kit has ever helped you save a little money, make a healthier choice for yourself, or it's just made you feel a little more seen, a five star review is a great way to show your support.

非常感谢大家。

Thank you so much.

本期《生活指南》由西尔维·道格拉斯制作。

This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas.

视觉编辑是贝丝·卡林，数字编辑是马利卡·加里布。

Our visuals editor is Beth Carlin, and our digital editor is Malika Garib.

高级监制是梅根·凯恩，执行制片人是贝丝·多诺万。

Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer.