他们只有在满足这4个条件后才会承诺

顺便说一下，如果你不想给生活中某个男性买礼物，也可以买点别的，比如我们每晚都睡的竹纤维床单。

And by the way, if you don't wanna get a present for a man in your life, you can also get something else like their bamboo bedsheets that we sleep in every single night.

所以去 cozyearth.com，使用我们的专属折扣码 LOVE LIFE，享受八折优惠。

So go over to cozyearth.com, use our special discount code LOVE LIFE and get 40% off.

这是送给生活中男性的好选择，如果你不想给男性买礼物，那就为自己买点东西吧。

This is a sure thing for the men in your life, and if you don't want to get something for a man in your life, get something for yourself.

现在回到本期节目。

And now back to the episode.

第一，化学反应。

Number one, chemistry.

第二，满足你的需求有多容易或有多困难。

Number two, how easy or difficult it is to get your needs met.

这涵盖了相当多的内容，但你可能需要一定量的亲密感。

So this covers quite a few things, but you might have a need, for a certain amount of affection.

你可能需要一定量的尊重，或一定量的智力交流。

You might need, a certain amount of respect or a certain amount of intellectual conversation.

你可能需要，不管是什么，一定量的接触。

You might need, whatever it might be, a certain amount of touching.

满足这个需求是容易还是困难？

How easy or difficult is it to get that need met?

是一周一次吗？

Does it happen once a week?

是一天一次吗？

Does it happen every day?

是一个月一次吗？

Is it once a month?

我觉得这能让你有个概念，因为有时候你会误以为，哦，是的，他做了。

I think this just gives you a sense because because you can mistake it sometimes like, oh, it got yeah.

他之前做过一次，所以也许这就够了。

They did it then, so maybe that's okay.

但正如我们在之前的对话中提到的，频率很重要。

But, you know, as we referred to in our previous conversation, frequency matters.

你是否必须拼命争取，才能让别人注意到你，关心你的生活，给你关爱？

And do you have to fight really hard to get someone to even pay attention, to ask you about your life, to give you affection?

你说得对。

You're right.

很多人在关系中，对于自己某些核心需求，都会变得像乞丐一样；当我们习惯了需求得不到满足，或者学会对那些难得满足的需求所给予的残羹冷炙心存感激时，我们就开始与自己内心的这部分产生疏离，你知道吗？因为这实在太痛苦了。

A lot of people are they become kind of beggars in their relationship when it comes to certain core needs that they have, and then when we get used to the fact that our needs aren't being met by someone or we learn to just be intensely grateful for the scraps that we get when those needs do get met, we start to disconnect from those parts of ourselves, you know, because it becomes really painful.

举个例子，如果一个人非常重视亲密感，而他的伴侣却极度吝啬情感或根本不重视亲密感，长期下来，如果你一直感受到这种状态，就会严重损害你的自信。

You know, if you take someone, for example, who really values affection and the person they're with is really withholding of affection or doesn't value affection, that over time starts to re, if you feel that all the time, it starts to really damage your confidence.

你会开始不再认为自己是个有吸引力的人，或者一个值得被爱的人，而这会变得非常痛苦。

You stop thinking of yourself as an attractive person or as a desirable person, And then that becomes really painful.

所以，这种痛苦几乎变得难以承受。

So it almost becomes too painful.

于是，你开始与自己内心的这部分脱节，或者麻木了这部分感受。

So now you start to detach from that part of yourself or you start to numb that part of yourself.

你选择与之疏离，因为你心想：我不能每次想要这种东西时，都反复承受痛苦。

You kind of disconnect from it because you're like, well, I can't keep feeling pain every time I want this thing.

是的。

Yeah.

所以我得想办法把这种需求关闭掉。

So I kind of need to like find a way to turn that need off.

现在我们在关系中开始把自己撕裂。

And now we start to kind of fracture ourselves within the relationship.

有很多人离开关系时，并没有意识到自己内心对某种东西有多么深的渴望。

And there's a lot of people who leave relationships not realizing just how much of a deep hunger there is for something.

是的。

Yeah.

因为他们已经长期缺乏它了。

Because they've gone without it for so long.

是的。

Yeah.

而当他们第一次遇到一个不觉得给予这种东西困难的人时，就会有一种难以置信的时刻，天啊，原来生活可以是这样的。

And then the first time they meet someone who doesn't find it difficult to give that thing, it's like, you know, this unbelievable moment of, oh my God, like this is how it can be.

嗯。

Yeah.

我肯定很多人在新关系中都会经历这种情况，比如沟通顺畅、平静或充满关爱之类的事情。

I'm sure a lot of people experience that when you're in your new relationship and you have, like, easy communication, peaceful or or affection, things like that.

你会想，哇。

You're like, oh, wow.

这就是需求得到满足时的感觉。

This is what it's like when a need gets satiated.

性欲兼容性也是如此，我认为这是关系中一个巨大的隐形杀手。

Same with, a sex drive compatibility, which I think is such a big silent killer of relationships.

嗯。

Mhmm.

如果你的性欲不匹配，而且正如你所说，如果你希望每周有某种频率的性生活，而对方却不希望如此，你就会一直感到被对方拒绝。

If you have incompatible sex drives, and to your point, if you wanna have sex a certain amount of times a week, and the other person doesn't wanna do that, and you're just perpetually feeling rejected by the other person.

这太糟糕了。

It's so it's so horrible.

所以这是第二点。

So that's number two.

第三点是，你是否尊重他们如何安排自己的时间？

Number three is do you feel you respect the way they spend their time?

哦，这一点很重要。

Oh, that's a big one.

这就是生活方式的兼容性。

So just lifestyle compatibility.

我认为，有时候我们在寻找理想伴侣时陷入误区，就是想找一个和自己所有兴趣、爱好都一致，喜欢同样电影的人。

And I think this is where sometimes another way we get tripped up looking for a unicorn, we look for someone who fits all of our interests and hobbies and likes the same kind of movies and all that stuff.

我觉得，其实能有30%的共同点就很不错了。

I think there's, like, almost you can share 30% of that, and that's great.

当然，有一些共同点确实是有帮助的。

There's a there's percentage that is helpful to share for sure.

但其余的部分，更重要的是：我是否尊重他们如何度过自己的时间？

But with the rest, it's more about just do I respect the way they spend their time?

我觉得，即使我自己对这个不感兴趣，但我会想，哦，他们去做这种酷的事情，我尊重这一点，或者他们有这种兴趣，我也能接受。

Do I feel you know, I might not be into it, but I'm like, oh, that's a cool thing they go and do, or I respect that, or they have that interest and I'm cool with it.

如果你觉得他们每周末都喝得烂醉、 party，而我完全不认同这种生活方式，也没有任何兴趣，这会影响你们的关系，因为你可能会失去尊重，会觉得：我不喜欢你这样生活，这和我不匹配。

If you feel like they go get blind drunk every weekend and party and I just do not care for that lifestyle at all and have no interest, that's gonna affect your relationship because you might lose respect, you might be like, I don't like the way you live, it doesn't match me.

所以，是的，我认为关键是尊重别人如何度过他们的时间。

So yeah, I think just respecting the way someone spends their time.

是的，这真的很有趣，因为你说得对，比如周末你去给所有植物浇水，这很美好，是个很棒的事情，而且不需要我做什么，这其实是我做自己重要事情的不错时光，但我确实有种感觉：哦，我真的很尊重奥黛丽的这份热情，但当一个人不断投入你并不感兴趣的事情时，这确实有点棘手，不是吗？

Yeah, it's really interesting that because it's you're right, if I think of like, on the weekend you'll go round watering all of the plants, it's lovely, it's like a lovely thing and it doesn't ask anything of me, like it's actually a nice time where I can do something that's important to me but there is a I do have that sense of like, oh I really respect this passion that Audrey has and it is hard when someone is constantly engaged with something that you don't it's almost it's tricky isn't it?

因为，某种程度上，了解一个人，就是要看能否与他们从某件事中获得的满足产生共鸣。

Because you have to, part of seeing someone, I suppose, is seeing if you can connect with what they get out of a thing.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I mean?

比如，有人周末可能就躺在沙发上看真人秀。

Like someone could be laying on the sofa on a weekend watching reality shows.

是的。

Yeah.

如果你尊重他们作为一个人，尊重他们对人生目标的追求，那么你并不一定需要觉得这种方式很好，比如我会觉得这是我度过时间的绝佳方式。

If you respect them as a person and you respect kind of their sense of purpose in life, then it's not like you have to necessarily think this is a great way to, like I would see this as a great way to spend my time.

你可能只是尊重这是他们放松的方式。

You might just respect the fact that that's how they switch off.

是的。

Yeah.

但我想，如果你真的不尊重真人秀，同时也不尊重他们在另外80%时间里所做的事情，那就会开始成为问题。

But I suppose if you really don't respect reality shows, but you also didn't respect what they're doing the other 80% of the time, that would start to be a problem.

是的。

Yeah.

我认为在承诺的背景下，情况就变得特别有趣，对吧？

And I think in the context of commitment is where it gets really interesting, right?

因为你以前说过，人们并不是只看你们当前做的孤立一件事，他们是在观察，并且会展望未来：这会如何影响我余生的生活？

Because you've said it before, people are looking, they're not looking at like this isolated thing that you're doing, they're looking at it and they're projecting into the future going, how is this going to affect me for the rest of my life?

所以，如果我看到这个人，如你所说，总是出去喝得烂醉，你不会想：哦，他只是喜欢喝酒，这是他社交和放松的方式，没问题。

So if I see this person to your point, like going out and getting drunk all the time, you're not going, oh, they just enjoy drinking and that's the way they socialize and let loose with their friends and it's fine.

你会想，这在五年、十年、十五年的尺度上会如何发展？

You're going, how does this play out on a five and ten and fifteen year timeline?

是的。

Yes.

这是我想要的生活吗？

And do I want that in my life?

我想要这样一个人每天陪在我身边吗？

Do I want that kind a partner in my life every single day?

因为当你考虑承诺时，本质上你就是在思考：我能和这个人共度一生吗？

Because when you're looking at commitment, that's what you're looking at essentially, you're looking at, can I share my life with this person?

是的。

Yeah.

这一切的关键在于人生轨迹。

That's the key thing about all of this is trajectory.

你会观察这些事情，并不断推断：我和这个人在一起的幸福感会走向何方？

You look at like, what's the You see these things and you're constantly deducing what's the trajectory of my happiness with this person.

嗯。

Yeah.

这就是为什么沟通在你的需求中如此重要，因为这并不只是关于偶尔的争吵。

Well, that's why communication is is such a big one on your needs because it's it's not about the odd fight.

我现在非常重视关系中的平静，我认为很多人随着年龄增长也会这样，因为你只会想，天啊，花更多时间在平静的环境中，远比陷入戏剧性、紧张、从争吵中恢复要好得多。

It's like, I've I've really value peace in a relationship now, and I think a lot of people do as they get older because you just go, man, more time spent in peaceful situations is so much more preferable to dramatic, tense, recover from the fight.

也许这段关系充满激情，但你会想，我实在受不了再这样过一天了。

Maybe it's passionate and all that, but you're like, I I can't do this for another day.

我再也承受不了另一个十年这样的关系了。

I can't have another decade of these kind of relationships.

代价太高了。

It's so costly.

和一个把每件事都放大化的人在一起，代价实在太高了。

To be with someone who makes too much of everything is so costly.

当你不断迁就对方时，代价尤其高——当你和这样的人在一起时，你总是要迁就他们，因为你不想激怒他们，你知道一旦激怒了，这一天就毁了。

When you're constantly placate firstly, when you're constant when you're with someone like that, you're always placating them because you're you don't wanna agitate them because you know that that's a ruined day if you do agitate them.

所以你就像是在走钢丝，这需要消耗大量精力，你得时刻管理自己的一言一行，一旦激怒了对方，事后你就会想：‘现在我们得从这场冲突中恢复过来，这又要花时间和精力。’这种状态真的很难受。如果你是个珍惜时间、珍视生活、有目标想实现、有事情想去做的人，那么这一切都会夺走你本可用于重要事务、你的使命、以及其他你无法好好享受的珍贵关系的时间和精力。毕竟，任何人只要有过家人陷入这种关系，都会知道，那个家人很难再和大家保持亲近，因为他们总是在不断安抚另一个人。

So like you then are walking on eggshells, that takes energy, you're managing what you do and say all the time, and if you do inflame that person, it's then afterwards you're like: 'Now we've got to recover from this, that's going to take time and energy' It's really not a nice place to be and if you're someone who actually values time, values life, has things they want to achieve, has things they want to do, all of that is taking time and energy away from what's important to you, from your purpose, from your mission, from other great relationships that you have that you can't enjoy because you're like anyone, I mean listen, anyone who has ever had a family member who's been in one of these kinds of relationships knows that it's really hard for that family member to stay as close to everyone Because they're constantly managing somebody else.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

所以他们开始疏远。

So they start to grow distance.

因此，和一个在这些方面很难相处的人在一起，代价实在太高了。

So the cost is just so high of being in a relationship with someone who's difficult in those ways.

我喜欢这样想：一段美好的关系需要两个善于沟通的人，也需要两个领导者，我认为这两者几乎是同一枚硬币的两面。

I like to think about it like a great relationship needs two communicators and two leaders and I think of those things as almost like two sides of the same coin.

沟通让我能够表达自己的不满，和你讨论这些问题，让你知道我心存怨气，然后我们一起找到解决办法。

Communication is what allows me to feel resentful about something and to talk about it so that you know that I'm resentful and together we can figure that out.

而我这种表达能力，基本上能在争吵发生之前就将其扼杀。

And my ability to do that basically can kill arguments before they ever happen.

所以你需要善于沟通的人，否则当你走到关系的尽头时，回头一看，会发现你们明明有很多问题，而你却从未察觉。

So you need good communicators because otherwise you get to the end of a relationship and and you look back and you go, well you had all these problems and I never knew about them.

是的。

Yeah.

或者在关系进行中，某人突然爆发，而你根本不知道他们如此沮丧，现在你不得不应对这场真正爆发的后果。

Or you just have situations in the middle of a relationship where someone explodes, and you had no idea that they were so frustrated, and now you're dealing with the fallout of a real explosion.

但当我说到需要两个领导者时，我的意思是两个人都在审视这段关系，并思考：今天即使没有被提醒，我怎样才能成为一个更好的伴侣？

But when I say it needs two leaders, that means two people who are actually looking at the relationship and going, what does it mean for me to be a better partner today even without being prompted?

是的。

Yeah.

还有一些细微的线索，比如一个人是否值得承诺，这是我潜意识里非常关注的一点。

And spit and, like, subtle clues in terms of someone being commitment worthy, that is one that I subconsciously really look for.

如果我早期就看到某人能清晰地以这种方式谈论关系，或者未经提醒就主动考虑这段关系的需求，

If I see early on someone can really clearly talk about the relationship in that way or unprompted, oh, they're thinking about the needs of this.

那就说明他们能够不带戏剧性地表达出来。

It's like and they can communicate it without drama.

我觉得这非常吸引人、很有魅力。

I'm I find that so appealing and attractive.

我有个问题想问你们，因为这都与这一点相关。

I have a question for you guys because it all relates to this.

实际上，这涉及到第二点，即满足自身需求的能力。

It was actually something that came up in the second point around the ability to get your needs met.

我们其实一直在围绕这件事打转。

It kind of it's all we're circling around this thing.

我真的很想知道你们的看法。

I'm just I'm really curious to get your thoughts.

因为你们描述的是这样一个人：他能够情绪稳定，以宏观的视角看待这段关系，而不是几乎被当下自己的需求或对某事的个人感知所吞噬。

Because what you're describing is somebody who is actually able to emotionally regulate and kind of look at take a bird's eye view approach to the relationship and not almost get sucked into what they need in one moment and kind of their own perception of something.

而是从整体的角度思考：这段关系需要什么？

And instead looking at it as like, what's, you know, what's needed for the relationship?

对方对此有什么感受？

How does the other person feel about this?

我想知道，我是不是在这件事中也扮演了某种角色，等等。

I wonder if I, you know, I had a part to play in this, etcetera.

你们觉得，在要求别人满足你的需求之前，自己应该学会多少去满足自己的需求呢？

How much do you guys think you should learn to meet your own needs in a relationship before demanding somebody else to meet your needs?

比如，在争吵的情况下，能够提前预判并沟通这一切，这需要一种满足自身需求和自我调节的能力，而这对很多人来说都很难，所以我只是好奇，你们觉得这部分在这一切中占了多大比重。

Because, like, in a in the case of an argument, for instance, and an ability to, like, almost preempt and communicate all of that, that requires a level of meeting your own needs and self regulating that is quite difficult for a lot of people, so I'm just curious how much you guys think that that part that plays a part in all of this.

这需要一定程度的个人责任感。

There's a level of personal ownership that's necessary.

所以，如果你过去三天一直很难相处、焦虑或脾气暴躁，那肯定内心有什么问题，对吧？

So if you've been, if you've, if you have for the last three days been difficult or anxious or grumpy, you know, there's something going on inside, right?

总有什么东西在不断让我烦躁。

There's something that's constantly making me grumpy.

也许我压力很大，也许我不堪重负，或者有什么事情让我们感到焦虑，也许现在我们正担心一些重大的事情。

Maybe I'm stressed, maybe I'm overwhelmed, or there's something that's making us anxious, maybe, you know, there are certain big things that we're worried about right now.

而这些正是我们焦虑的核心。

And that's at the heart of our anxiety.

也不一定和关系有关，对吧？

Not necessarily related to the relationship either, right?

不，不一定非得是

No, doesn't have have to to be be

有关。

related.

它可以是任何事情。

It can be anything.

但它以一种伤害关系的方式表现出来。

But it's coming out in a way that's harming the relationship.

因为你心情不好

Because you're in a grumpy mood

或者有人不断看到我们最糟糕的一面。

or Someone's experiencing the worst side of us constantly.

如果一个人完全无意识，他们可能会一直对伴侣态度恶劣，直到他们焦虑的根源得到解决。

If someone is just fully unconscious, they can continue being difficult with their partner until wherever their anxiety is coming from is resolved.

但如果问题得不到解决，他们就会一直把情绪发泄在伴侣身上。

But if it doesn't get resolved then they just keep taking it out on their partner.

这正是我认为领导力如此重要的地方，沟通会说：嘿，我过去三天表现得这样，是因为我心里一直想着这件事。

It takes, and this is where I think leadership is so important, you know, communication says, hey, the reason I've been showing up in this way over the last three days is because this has been on my mind.

嗯。

Mhmm.

对此我感到抱歉。

And I'm sorry about that.

这就是沟通。

That's communication.

而领导力则更进一步。

Leadership goes a step further.

领导力会说：我也会为改善自己的状态负责，因为我并不想一直把这种情绪带给你。

Leadership says, I am also gonna take responsibility for improving my state here because I don't wanna keep bringing you this energy.

那么，我需要做些什么呢？

So what do I need to do?

也许和你谈谈会有帮助。

And it might be that talking to you is helpful.

所以，健康关系中一个美好的地方就在于，你可以谈论焦虑的来源，而你的伴侣可以帮助你感觉更好或给你安慰。

So, you know, that's one of the beautiful things about a healthy relationship is you can talk about your where your anxiety is coming from, and your partner can help you feel better or reassure you.

但领导力还意味着，我不应该总是依赖伴侣来让我感觉更好。

But leadership is also saying it's not just I'm not gonna constantly ask for my partner to be the thing that makes me feel better.

那我需要做些什么？

What do I need to do?

我需要花一个小时去做心理咨询吗？

Do I need to spend an hour in therapy?

我需要去锻炼一下，以便真正改变自己的状态吗？

Do I need to go out and do a workout so that I can actually change my state?

我需要学习如何自我安抚、冥想或调整呼吸吗？

Do I need to start to learn how to self soothe or meditate or change my breathing?

我需要在早晨建立某种仪式，来让我连接到更富足的状态，感受到更多的积极情绪吗？

Ritual do I need to have in the morning that's gonna connect me with a much more abundant state and feeling a greater feeling of positivity.

领导力意味着，我的责任不仅仅是向伴侣传达哪里出了问题，还要主动思考我为这段关系带来了什么。

Leadership says, it's not just my job to communicate what's wrong to my partner, it's also my job to try to actually lead with what I bring to the relationship.

经过一次互动后，我的伴侣是否比我找到他们时更好了？

Do I leave my partner better than I found them after an interaction?

如果答案是否定的，我就需要为此承担责任。

And if I don't, then I need to start taking accountability for that.

顺便说一句，从承诺的角度来看，要让对方相信你是一个值得托付的绝佳人选，这一点至关重要。

And by the way, from a point of view of commitment and actually convincing somebody that you are a really good choice of person to commit to, I think that is so important.

是的。

Yeah.

因为当一个人看到

Because when someone sees

这个观点太棒了。

That's amazing point.

这才是深层次的东西。

That's the deep stuff.

这真是深刻的内容。

That's really deep stuff.

是的。

Yeah.

问题不是约会时该做什么？

It's not what should you do on a date?

而是你这个人值得被陪伴吗？

It's who are you to be around?

人们是否能窥见一种存在感、责任感、沟通能力和领导力，从而意识到：哦，我在这里很安全。

And does someone get glimpses into like a level of presence, accountability, communication and leadership that makes them realize like, oh, I'm in safe hands.

因为我认为，这就是那种感受。

Because that I think is the feeling.

这种感受就是：我的幸福在这里得到了保障。

The feeling is my happiness is in safe hands here.

完全正确。

That's exactly right.

是的，我信任你，而有26%的人表示他们担心无法信任对方，我认为信任有不同的层次，其中之一就是：我相信你不是那种会让我生活痛苦的疯子。

Yeah, and I trust you, which was 26% of people saying they're worried they can't trust them, I think there's different levels of trust and I think that's one of them, it's I trust you that you're not an insane person who's gonna make my life miserable.

但这是看待这个问题的一种非常敏锐的方式，因为我可以保证，当大多数人看到这项调查的这部分时，

But that's a really That's an astute way of seeing that, because I can guarantee most people when they saw that part of the poll

那是背叛。

It was cheating.

他们会想：哦，我无法信任他们不会背叛我。

It was like, oh, I can't trust them not to betray me.

但你所谈论的，其实是一种更微妙的信任形式，那就是：我能否信任你，把我的幸福交给你？

But there's in some ways a much more nuanced version of trust that you're talking about, which is do I trust you with my happiness?

我能否信任，在这段关系中，我可以把我的人生托付给你，把我的投入交给你，而不会出现一种更隐晦的背叛形式——即你只是逐渐放弃成为最好的伴侣，到了某种程度上

Do I trust that I can in a sense put my life in your hands in this relationship and put my investment into this relationship and that there won't be a much more subtle form of betrayal, which is that you'll simply give up on being the best partner you can be at It some

这一点在婚姻中也极为重要。人们会担心对方可能让自己经济上破产，比如，如果你遇到的人始终如一地理性、善于沟通、拥有良好的价值观等等，你就更有可能说：‘我愿意和这个人结婚，因为无论我们是分开、生孩子，还是其他情况，我知道这个人会以从容的方式处理一切，因为我看到他在其他方面也表现得从容不迫。',

really features heavily in marriage as well, the point of view of people feeling like they can't trust someone to financially ruin them if they Like, again, if you're dealing with somebody who you can see as just a consistently across the board, very reasonable, able to communicate, like has good values, etcetera, etcetera, you're then more likely to be able to say like, well, I'm comfortable with marriage with this person because, you know, whether it's like we separate, we have kids, whatever, I know that this person will handle things with grace because I see them handling things with grace in other areas.

是的，我们生活中曾遇到过一种情况，你本可以对某人怀有极其恶意的意图，因为你知道他们‘活该’受到这样的对待。

Yeah, there was a situation in our lives where, you know, someone that you could have been incredibly had incredibly malicious intent towards for how, you know, how much they kind of deserved it.

你当时设定了非常清晰的界限，然后离开了那个情境，但你对待那个人时没有任何怨恨或恶意，你本可以那样做，但你却表现得非常大度，这让我建立了真正的信任。

You basically you put up very, very clear boundaries and you walked away from that situation, but there was no spite or malice in the way that you treated this person and you could have been forgiven for being that way but you were very big about the situation and that was something that like, built real trust for me.

因为我想，很多人在一段关系结束时都会这样想，我并不是暗示我们的关系会结束，但我们都会考虑这些问题。

Because I was like, you know, plenty of people at the end of a relationship, and I'm not suggesting our relationship's gonna end at any point, but we all think of these things.

在最糟糕的一天，这个人会变成什么样？

Who would this person be on their worst day?

在最讨厌我、最恨我的那一天，这个人会变成什么样？

And who would this person be on the day where they dislike me or hate me the most?

我看到你在那种情境下，始终保持着尊严，而你本可以变成一个极其恶毒的人，但你没有。

And I saw you in a situation where you behaved with nothing but class, in a situation where you could have turned into an extremely malicious person and you didn't.

这对我来说意义重大，看到这一点时，我想：我绝不会像那个人对待你那样对待你。

That was like a huge For me, seeing that was like, oh, well, I would never treat you the way this person treated you.

即使在那时

Even then

所以，我很好。

So I'm good.

不，但我想说的是，即使在那种情况下，她依然保持了风度，这真的非常罕见。

No, but I was like, even then, this, she like behaved with class, that's really, really rare.

是的。

Yeah.

我没有，你知道吗？因为有些人，说实话，我们生活中有一些人，当他们因为不喜欢别人做的事而心生怨恨时，就会露出狰狞的一面。

I didn't, you know, because some of us, like we, let's be honest, there's people we know in our lives who, when they turned spiteful towards someone because they didn't like something someone else did, a monster came out.

我们对自己说：‘嗯，没错，但我们永远不会成为这种行为的受害者，因为我们永远不会伤害他们。’

And we come for ourselves that we'll, you know, well, yeah, but we'll never be on the receiving end of that because we'll never wrong them.

所以某种程度上，我们回避了刚才看到的那些事，但这些时刻很重要。

So we kind of, in a way, we like sidestep what we just saw, but those moments matter.

我们在这些时刻看到一个人如何表现，他们是否秉持正直、风度和品格，这才是他们在最糟糕时的真实模样。

Who we see someone be in those moments and whether they act with integrity, class, character, that's who they are on their worst day.

当他们内心美好的一面失效时，那就是他们的本来面目。

That's who they are when their better angels fail them.

所以我认为，这些我们往往忽视的事情，其实是走向承诺的一部分——当那个人在观察时，我们在其他关系中展现出的自己是什么样子。

So I I I think those things we don't realize, like, part of getting to commitment is who we show ourselves to be in all of our other relationships when that person is observing.

是的。

Yeah.

还有我们所有的微小互动，微小互动，比如，你在原谅小事方面有多好？

And all our micro interactions, microinteractions, like, easily how good are you at forgiving small things?

你有多擅长表达感激？

How good are you at appreciating?

你有多守信，还有，你知道的，钱这方面？

How good are you at keeping your word and, you know, money?

我是不是担心你有一天会买一辆远超我们负担能力三倍的车，做些蠢事？

Are you am I worried you're gonna go buy a car one day that's three times more than we can afford and do something stupid.

然后就会想，哦，天啊。

And it's like, oh, no.

我永远无法信任这个人来管理我们的生活。

I can't ever trust this person to, like, manage our lives.

所有这些事情其实都是我们在暗中衡量的。

All these things really are, like, stuff we're calculating.

是的。

Yeah.

太对了。

So true.

那么，我们决定是否要与某人 commitment 的第四种方式是什么？

So what was the fourth way that we decide whether we should commit to someone?

第四点是共同的意愿。

The fourth one is just shared intention.

让我们说一个共同的愿景。

Let's let's say a shared vision.

不是每个人都知道自己未来十年的生活会是什么样子，但至少你们双方需要认同一个想要共同建设的愿景。

Not everyone knows what the next ten years of their life will look like, but you at least need to both buy into a vision you wanna build together.

如果一方说：‘我明年就要搬去加勒比海，过完全不同的生活’，而另一方却说：‘哦，我已经在这里建立了自己非常投入的职场生涯，我不想那样做。’

So if one of you is like, I'm gonna move to The Caribbean next year and I'm gonna just live a completely different life, and you're like, oh, well, I've kind of set up my corporate career here that I'm really into and I don't want to do that.

或者，如果一个人对未来几年婚姻的看法与你截然不同。

Or if someone wants a completely different view of marriage in the next few years, they have completely different views on it than you.

人们最终会就很多事进行协商，比如去哪里生活，这虽然不是我的选择，但我遇到了这个人，实际上我更想早点实现那个目标，或者早点要孩子。

There's lots of things people do end up negotiating on where they go, that wasn't my choice one, but I met this person and actually I want to do that sooner or I want to have children sooner.

但你不能在明知你们至少在未来两三年内所处的人生阶段或愿景完全不一致的情况下就步入关系。

But you do you can't get in knowing that you don't at all feel like you're in the same stage or vision of what you want at least in the next, like, two to three years.

是的。

Yeah.

我觉得人们对这一点的判断还不够敏锐。

And I think people aren't discerning enough about that, actually.

我觉得你说得对，如果一个人非常有意识，他会仔细考量这四点。

I think like, I think you're right, if someone's being highly intentional, they'll look at all those four things.

但很多时候，当一个人有足够的化学反应、足够的尊重，以及所有那些其他因素时，他们就会觉得：‘愿景的问题以后再处理吧。’

Oftentimes, when someone has enough chemistry, enough respect, enough, like, you know, all of those things, they'll kind of be like, oh, I'll deal with that vision part later.

结果他们最终和某人 commitments，或者与某人关系加深，而这个人其实根本无法让他们幸福。

And then they end up committing to somebody or, you know, going deeper with somebody who isn't actually able to make them happy.

是的。

Yeah.

因为这实际上是最重要的因素之一，即使不是最重要的，也绝对是极其重要的。

Because that's actually one of the most important ones, if not, well, I don't wanna say it's the most, but it's really, really important.

一个根本不愿意

Someone who's just not to

去建立这段关系，或者根本不想一起住、做那些事情。

build that or is kinda like, I don't really wanna move in together and do those sorts of things.

比如，你们的时间表可能会有些微小的差异，每个人对生活的愿景也都不一样。

Like, you you need to at least it it your timelines might vary in little bits, and everyone has different visions for their life.

它们确实会随着时间改变和妥协。

They do end up changing and compromising.

但在一开始，你就不能认为这个人根本不想拥有你想要的东西。

But at the beginning, you can't get in thinking this person doesn't even want the thing that I want.

我还觉得，从一个有效说服别人与你承诺的角度来看，一个诀窍就是主动发起关于愿景和未来的这类对话。

I also think like a pro tip from the point of view of like being an effective convincer of why you should someone should commit to you is to instigate those kinds of conversations around vision and like the future.

因为如果你能真正理解一个人在生活中想要什么、想实现什么，并几乎一起构建这种愿景，同时把自己融入其中——因为你默认用‘我们’来谈论它，或者以一种你们都会觉得有趣、令人兴奋的方式去设想，我认为这会让对方进一步展望未来，心想：这个人，我真的能和他共度一生。

Because if you can really understand what somebody wants in their lives and what they want to achieve and kind of almost start building that vision out together and you incorporate yourself in that vision because you're kind of by default talking about it as you and them, or a way in which you would agree that that would be really fun or really exciting, I think it makes the other person go Again, you project into the future and go, this person, I could do life with this person.

是的。

Yes.

所以我认为，对对方的愿景表现出浓厚兴趣，甚至参与其中，同时判断这个愿景是否与你的愿景相容，这是一项非常有力的练习。

And so I think actually, taking a keen interest and almost like sharing in on that vision, and at the same time, discerning whether or not that vision is compatible with your vision, I think is a really powerful exercise.

在提出这些问题时，用好奇心而非评判的眼光去看待非常重要，因为你可能得不到你期望的关于兼容性的答案，但你真正需要的是诚实的回答。

And applying a lens of curiosity rather than judgment to that when you ask those questions is really important, because you may not get the answers that that you would like in terms of compatibility, but what you want is honest answers.

当人们在早期约会中带着包袱时，是因为他们厌倦了那些不愿承诺的人，厌倦了那些不想谈恋爱、没有相同愿景、只想永远单身的人，这会滋生大量怨恨；因此，当我们向别人询问他们的愿景时，一旦他们给出我们认为是‘错误’的答案，我们就会生气，但实际上，关键在于保持纯粹的好奇心——我们应该告诉自己：他们怎么说并不重要，因为我才刚刚开始和这个人接触，所以这真的无关紧要。

And when people bring baggage to early dating because they're sick and tired of people who don't wanna commit, and they're sick and tired of people who, you know, don't want a relationship and don't have the same vision and want to stay single forever and, like, that breeds a lot of resentment and so now when we go to people and ask questions about their vision, we get mad when they give what we perceive to be the wrong answer, but it's actually about applying just cure like we should tell ourselves it doesn't matter what they say because I'm at the beginning of a process with this person, so it really doesn't matter.

没错，我就只是用好奇的眼光来看待这件事。

Yeah, I'm just going to apply a curious lens to this.

顺便说一下，任何想了解如何实际操作这些内容的人，因为我们现在谈的都是比较宏观的层面，我们推出了一门精彩的全新大师课，专门讲如何达成承诺。

And by the way, for anybody who wants to learn more about how to do any of this practically, because we're speaking quite high level right now, We have an amazing new masterclass, which is all about how to get to commitment.

而且是免费的。

And it's free.

而且是免费的。

And it's free.

事实上，已经有数以万计的人参与过这个项目。

Literally, we've had many, many tens of thousands of people who have come through this now.

如果你还没看过，可以去 getcommitment.com 观看。

If you haven't listened to it, you can go and watch it at getcommitment.com.

我们其实还没有充分讨论过这一点。

We haven't talked about this enough, actually.

这是全新的内容。

This is brand new.

非常棒。

It's really good.

今年我们发生了许多令人兴奋的事情，其中这一项对很多人来说悄然被忽略了。

And we've had so many exciting things happening this year that we've like, this is one of those really exciting things that for a lot of people has slipped under the radar.

这实际上是一个多于一小时的免费大师课，专为那些目前难以获得承诺、并希望了解如何实际应用今天节目中所讨论内容的人准备。

It is literally a it's over an hour, but it's a free masterclass for anybody who is struggling to get commitment today and wants to know, practically speaking, how to apply the messages that we're talking about in today's episode.

所以你可以去 getcommitment.com 观看。

So you can go and watch that at getcommitment.com.

我很高兴你提到这一点，因为我之前担心我们讲得太抽象了，但你说得对，所有实际的细节都包含在这个网络研讨会里。

I'm glad you said that actually, because I was concerned that we were being very kind of heady about it, but you're right, it's like all the practical nitty gritty side of things is contained within that webinar.

另外，说到那些容易被人们忽略的事情，我们十月将举办一次静修活动。

Also, we're on the subject of things slipping under the radar for people, we have a retreat happening in October

是的，我们会举办。

We do.

时间是十月十五日和十六日，在迈阿密。

On the fifteenth and sixteenth in Miami.

你之所以想了解这个，是因为即使你无法亲自飞过去，在迈阿密和我们共度两天的沉浸式辅导，你也可以在线参加。

Now the reason you wanna hear about this is because even if you can't make it and get a flight there and come be with us for two days of immersive coaching in Miami, you can attend this online.

我们提供数字门票，无论你身在世界何处，都会有来自澳大利亚、亚洲、印度的人观看。

We have digital tickets so that wherever you are in the world, we have people are gonna be watching this from Australia, Asia, India.

我们还会有很多来自美国各地的人，因为各种原因无法亲自到场。

We're gonna have people in all parts of America who for whatever reason can't make it.

你忘了欧洲了。

You forget Europe.

还有欧洲，当然。

And Europe, of course.

所以我们将有来自世界各地的人观看这场活动，这将是一场极具影响力的盛会。

So we're gonna have people all over the world watching this, and it's gonna be such a powerful event.

当人们问我，你们在静修营里做些什么？

When people ask me, what do we do on the retreat?

我告诉人们，我们每个人都有些模式在主导着我们生活中所取得的结果。

I tell people we all have patterns that are governing the results that we're getting in life.

这些模式一直在决定着我们的行为，无论我们是否意识到。

These patterns are determining our behaviors all the time, whether we know it or not.

我们的无意识模式塑造着生活的质量、我们在人生中能走多远、我们体验到的爱或总与我们擦肩而过的爱、我们拥有或没有的职业——我们的模式塑造了一切。

Our unconscious patterns are shaping the quality of our life, how far we go in life, the love we are experiencing or the love that keeps passing us by, the careers that we have or don't have, our patterns shape everything.

因此，这次静修营的目标是从根本上改变那些阻碍我们潜能实现的模式。

So this retreat is about being able to fundamentally change the patterns that keep getting in the way of our potential.

比如，关于承诺，如果你觉得你在关系中总是制造很多戏剧性，因为你无法控制自己，你很不安全、焦虑型依恋，或者非常害怕失去对方——这不就是一种模式吗？

Like, for instance, around commitment, if you feel like, you know, you cause a lot of drama in your relationship because you can't help it because you're very insecure, you're very anxiously attached, or you're very kind of, yeah, scared of losing the other person, like that's a pattern, right?

而这正是影响你生活的因素，它可能决定这段关系能否维持下去。

And that's something that's governing your life, and that could dictate whether or not the relationship lasts or doesn't last.

而当我们这样做的时候，事后我们会讨厌自己，会想：我为什么变成这样？

And then when we do that, by the way, we hate ourselves afterwards, because we're like, why am I like this?

为什么我就是改不了？

And why can't I change it?

我们觉得自己破碎了、无能为力，因为我们觉得：我这辈子已经这样三十、四十甚至五十年了。

And we feel broken and we feel helpless because we're like, well, I've been this way for the last thirty years or forty years or fifty years of my life.

我现在还有机会改变吗？

What chance do I have of changing it now?

但你可以在人生的任何阶段改变这些模式。

But you can change those patterns at any point in your life.

你只需要知道如何重新塑造它们。

You just have to know how to rewire them.

你必须学会培养一个不同于你现在内心的声音，我会教你怎么做。

You have to know how to develop a different internal voice than the one you have now, and I'm gonna show you how to do that.

你需要学会以一种更强大方式调节自己的情绪。

And you need to know how to regulate your emotions in a much more powerful way.

在静修营中，我会提供给你实现这一点的工具。

And on the retreat, I'm gonna be giving you the tools to do that.

所以这将是一个极其有力的周末。

So it's gonna be an extremely powerful weekend.

我们从六天缩短到了两天，现在变成了一个周末活动，人们更容易参与，投资成本也更低。

We went down from six days to two days, so it's now a weekend event, much easier for people to get to and much more affordable as an investment.

要购买门票，请访问 mhretreat.com，要么购买现场票，亲自来和我们一起度过这个周末；要么购买在线票，无论你身在世界何处，都可以观看。

To get tickets, go to mhretreat.com, and either get a live ticket and come be with us in person and hang out with us in person for the weekend, or you can get an online ticket and watch it from wherever you are in the world if you can't make it.

再次提醒，门票信息请访问 mhretreat.com。

Again, those tickets are mhretreat.com.

好了。

Alright.

我们这里有一条来自我们‘爱生活’会员的语音留言，属于‘爱生活热线’的一部分。

Well, we have a voice message here from one of our Love Life members as part of Love Life Line.

确实如此。

We do indeed.

这是来自莎拉的。

This is from Sarah.

大卫，你能播放一下吗？

David, could you play?

我有个问题。

So I have a question.

一个人是否可能在所有方面都做对了——比如尊重你的标准、与你良好沟通、与你保持一夫一妻制的关系，但由于过去的创伤，仍然尚未准备好迈入下一步，比如婚姻？

Can someone be doing all the right things such as respecting your standards, communicating with you well, be in a, monogamous relationship with you, and still due to past traumas, not be quite ready for that next step, say marriage.

我年纪较大，55岁，他也是同龄人，我们都希望结婚。

I'm older, I'm 55, he's same age group, both looking to get married.

在这种情况下，你们会建议在相处一年后就分手吗，因为对方根本还没准备好迈入下一步？

Will they is this something where you're, you know, a year in where you recommend to break it off because they're just not ready to take that next step?

还是应该继续与他们在一起，帮助他们逐步克服创伤？

Or should you slowly stay with them, work with them so they can work through their traumas?

这是一个非常好的问题。

Such a great question.

萨拉，我非常理解你的感受，因为当一个人在许多方面都表现得符合你的期望，但从根本上说，他们却告诉你：我无法给你这个对你来说非常重要的东西，即使他们将此归因于自己的创伤或人生经历。

Sara, I really sympathize with this because when someone is showing us the right things in many other ways, but fundamentally they're saying, I can't offer you this thing that's really important to you and okay they're citing their trauma as the reason for that or whatever they've been through in their life as the reason for that.

这确实令人困惑。

It is confusing.

首先，我想说，在所有类似情况下，我都强调：他们的理由并不能改变你的现实。

Now I first want to say what I say in all of these situations, which is their reasons don't change your reality.

所以，他们的理由可能是合理的，但这并不能改变你所处的现实——我想你提到自己五十多岁，正在寻找婚姻。

So their reasons may be valid, but that doesn't change the reality that you're I think you said you're 50 or in your fifties, you're looking for marriage.

这对你来说很重要，否则你也不会提出这个问题，而这个人却不愿意给予你这个。

It's something that sounds important to you, otherwise I don't think you'd be asking this question, and this person's not willing to give that to you.

因此，从这个层面来看，你的现实并非只是不太理想，而是在剥夺你生命中真正重要的东西。

So on that level, your reality is really not it's suboptimal, it's robbing you of something that's really important to you.

当然，你可以对他们背后的原因抱有极大的理解，而我们始终希望做到的是：我并不是说你有责任去说服别人接受某种想法，但我确实认为，我们必须坚定地表达自己的价值观和自己重视的事物。

Now you can be incredibly understanding about where that comes from for them and what we always want to do is I don't mean that it's your job to persuade someone to want something, but I do think we have to be powerful persuaders of our values, of the things that are important to us.

因此，在我们谈论婚姻的方式上，我们应该成为婚姻美好的活广告。

So we in the way that we talk about marriage, we should be a walking advertisement for how great marriage is.

如果婚姻对我们来说很重要，我们就应该成为婚姻的杰出推广者。

Like, we should be if if marriage is something that's important to us, we should be an amazing marketer of marriage.

我们应该用非常美好的语言来谈论婚姻。

We should be someone who talks about it in really beautiful terms.

我们应该展现出一种独特的婚姻愿景，因为婚姻对每个人的意义并不相同。

We should be someone who presents a vision of marriage that is unique to the way we see it, because it's not Marriage, it doesn't mean one thing to everybody.

每个人对婚姻的定义都有自己的理解。

Everyone has their own vision of what marriage means.

别管对方是否认同婚姻本身。

It's forget whether someone's sold on marriage.

他们是否认同你对婚姻的愿景？

Are they sold on your vision of marriage?

因为每个人的婚姻都是独一无二的。

Because every person's marriage is unique to them.

你想要我的婚姻吗？

Do you want my marriage?

别说话，别把我跟别人混为一谈，这简直是对我婚姻的侮辱。

Don't talk don't like insult me by putting marriage with me in the same category as everybody else.

我拥有属于自己的婚姻。

I have my own marriage.

让我分享我心中的婚姻。

Let me share the marriage in my mind.

让我告诉你我的婚姻是什么样子，这样你才能决定你是否想要这样的婚姻。

Let me share what my marriage looks like, so that you can decide if you want that.

这才是真正的影响力。

That's that's true influence.

这才是真正的影响力。

That's true impact.

当我们与任何人交谈时，无论对方是向往婚姻还是心存抗拒，我们都应该始终带着这样的感受离开：我向他们呈现了我心中美好而动人的婚姻愿景，而他们选择了拒绝。

And what we wanna be doing when we're having conversations with anybody, whether they're someone who's, you know, driven towards marriage on or shows resistance is is we always wanna walk away going, I presented a beautiful compelling vision of marriage with me, and they rejected that.

不是他们拒绝了我，而是我从来没有真正展示过那个愿景。

Not they rejected me, but, you know, and I never really presented that.

他们只是拒绝了婚姻这个概念，因为对我来说，这是一种了结。

They just rejected marriage as a concept, because that to me is a form of closure.

对吧？

Right?

所以问问你自己：我在过程中是否做了那些真正展现出与我结婚会是什么样子、让我对婚姻感到兴奋、婚姻对我而言有何特别之处的事情？

So ask yourself, am I doing the things along the way that really show a vision for what marriage with me looks like, for what excites me about marriage, what's special about marriage for me?

这很重要。

That's important.

但我要说的是，你遇到的是一个五十多岁的人，他们用创伤作为不愿结婚的理由。

But what I will say is you're coming across someone in their fifties who's citing their trauma as a reason why they don't wanna get married.

嗯，他们已经有很多时间了。

Well, they've had some time.

但他并没有说他不想结婚，对吧？

But he's not saying he doesn't wanna get married, right?

他说他至今不想结婚的原因是他的创伤。

He's saying the reason he hasn't yet wanted to get married is because of his trauma.

对吗？

Is that right?

我就是这么理解的。

That's what I got from it.

不知道那些是不是几乎敞开了。

Wonder if those are almost open.

那是另一回事。

That's a different thing.

我就是这么理解的。

That's what I got

从这一点来看。

from it.

如果真是这样，萨拉，那我之前说的就更加成立。

And if that's true, Sara, then even more What I said is even more true.

因为那个人会受到你对婚姻的愿景的影响。

Because that person is gonna be influenced by your vision for marriage.

当你分享你的愿景时，你实际上可以成为一种治愈的力量，因为他们可能会想：‘对我而言，过去的婚姻意味着这些事情。’

And you can actually be a healing presence when you share what your vision is, because they might go, wow, for me marriage in the past meant all of these things.

但和你在一起，这是一个吸引我想要投入的愿景。

With you, this is a compelling vision I wanna buy into.

但你尊重自己和你时间的方式是：一个五十多岁、以创伤为由害怕结婚的人，必须展现出克服它的意愿。

But the way you have to respect yourself and your time is that someone who's in their fifties who's citing their trauma as a reason that they're scared of marriage has to be showing willingness to overcome that.

因为你在五十多岁、六十多岁、七十多岁甚至八十岁的时候当然可以改变，但你必须积极参与这种愈合过程。

Because it's not that you can't change in your fifties, of course you can, you can change in your sixties and seventies and eighties, but you have to be a willing participant in that healing.

而不是那种在五十多岁时找借口、把责任推给你的样子。

Not someone who's making excuses about the way they are in their fifties, in a way that they're kind of making your responsibility.

我还想补充一点，Sara，如果这件事对你来说真的很重要，那对他来说也必须重要到愿意去克服。

I also would add, Sara, just that if it's something that's really important to you, it's got to be important to him to overcome.

基本上，总得有一个人做出让步，对吧？

Like, basically, someone has to bend, right?

要么你认为这件事对他更重要，他在其他方面都完美，这只是他无法给予你的唯一一件事，但他让你在各方面都感到安全，那么你就得考虑：为了他，我能否在这件事上做出妥协，因为这对他是如此重要，然后接受我们关系中没有婚姻这一部分；要么这件事对你更重要，而他必须思考：我能否克服自己的恐惧，真正与你共同努力，让婚姻成为我内心真正愿意接受的事情？

And it's either that you go, it's more important to him, he's perfect in every way, this is just the one thing and he makes me feel safe in every way, this is just the one thing he can't give me, in which case you go, can I compromise on this for him, because that's so important to him and just make peace with our relationship without the marriage part, or it's more important to you and he has to go, can I compromise on the fact that I'm afraid and really work together on making this something that I'm comfortable with?

我认为关键在于，谁能在不感到怨恨、不觉得自己放弃了很多、或被迫做了真正不想做的事的前提下，真正做出妥协。

And I think it falls on who can actually compromise without, you know, really feeling resentful or feeling like they've given up or have had to do something they really don't want to do.

但我几乎会和对方进行这些对话，努力深入探讨他真实的想法、你真实的想法，看看是否有可能在这上面达成某种妥协。

But I would almost have those conversations and really try and have the difficult conversation of getting to the bottom of where he really stands with it, where you really stand with it and see whether or not there is a compromise that can be reached with this.

否则，你还能往哪里走呢？

Because it's otherwise, it's like where do you go?

你知道，总得有一个人去付出努力。

You know, it's kind of someone has to do the work somewhere.

这太棒了。

It's fantastic.

这太美了。

It's beautiful.

我太喜欢了。

I love it.

如果你有任何想让我们回答的问题，可以发送到 podcast@matthewhussy.com。

If you have a question that you want to send in for us to answer, you can send your question to podcast@matthewhussy.com.

请以语音留言的形式发送，录制时间不超过三十秒或六十秒，发送至 podcast@matthewhussy.com。

Send it in the form of a voice note, record for thirty seconds or sixty seconds max, and send it to podcast@matthewhussy.com.

我们更倾向于优先回复我们的爱生活会员。

We do favor our love life members.

如果你是我们爱生活会员，你的问题将直接排在最前面。

If you are one of our live loves, then you will be put straight to the front of the line.

所以今天的问题当然来自莎拉，我们一位亲爱的爱生活会员。

So then today's question, of course, was from Sara, one of our dear live loves.

同时，也欢迎随时给我们发送关于播客的反馈。

And feel free at any point also to just send us some feedback about the podcast.

我们很喜欢阅读你们的反馈，比如杰克的这条：嘿，爱生活家族。

We love reading your feedback, like this one from Jack who said, hey, love life gang.

我是一名30岁的年轻人，几年前在一段长达十年的关系结束后搬到了伦敦。

I am a 30 year old who moved to London a couple of years ago after a ten year long relationship ended.

那段时间对我来说非常艰难，但过去两年我所经历的成长，超过了我整个二十岁的岁月。

It was a really hard time for me, but I've seen more growth in the past two years than I did in my entire twenties.

你们的播客对我的帮助无法用言语形容，只能对你们说声谢谢。

Your podcast has helped me beyond words, so thank you will have to do.

当我深陷其中时，一位亲密朋友给了我有史以来最好的建议，我想与你们和听众分享。

When I was in the thick of it, one of my close friends gave me the best advice I've ever heard and wanted to share it with you and the listeners.

分手后的生活，就是一系列的‘第一次’。

Life after a breakup is just a series of firsts.

第一次独自入睡，第一次下班回家，第一个月，第一个假期，第一年。

The first time you go to sleep without the person, the first time you come home from work, the first month, the first holiday, the first year.

最终，你会用完所有的‘第一次’，而你甚至不会意识到那一刻何时到来。

Eventually, you'll run out of firsts, and you won't realize when it happens.

但当那一刻真的来临时，你会发现，自己已经因为度过所有这些‘第一次’而变得更好。

But when it does, you'll be in a better place for getting through all of those firsts.

我认为这非常美好，而且可以应用于任何事情，而不仅仅是关系的结束。

I think this is so beautiful and something you can apply to anything, not just a relationship ending.

感谢你的指导和笑声。

Thanks for your guidance and laughs.

他在结尾还加了一个酸黄瓜表情符号。

And he's included a little pickle emoji at the end.

谢谢你，杰克。

Thank you, Jack.

这是一封多么美好的邮件，你朋友的建议太棒了。

That what a wonderful email, and that is terrific advice from your friend.

这对目前正在经历心碎的人非常有帮助。

Very good for anyone out there going through heartbreak right now.

好了，斯蒂芬，现在就是梅和一些其他人一直期待的时刻了，你有什么妙招？

Well it's that time Stephen, that Mel and a few other people have been waiting for What's up your sleeves?

史蒂夫的袖子。

Steve's sleeves.

大卫，能放一下片头曲吗？

David can we have the jingle?

别难过，你知道我们不能不听另一集《Steve的袖子》就离开。

Don't be bereaved you know that we can't leave without another episode of Steve's sleeves

非常好。

Very good

好了，各位，这些袖子已经彻底卷起来了，就在我这件开衫上。

Well everyone these sleeves are well and truly rolled on my cardigan here.

所以我们现在要玩‘成交还是不成交’。

So we're gonna play deal or no deal breaker.

我会给你们一些想法。

Gonna give you some ideas.

你知道，有时候你遇到一个75%合适的人，你会想，那剩下的5%、10%、20%不合适的地方，是不是太多了？

You know, sometimes you have the 75% right person, and you think, is this five, ten, 20% not is it too much?

我们会说：成交还是不成交？

And we'll say deal or no deal?

不成交？

Breaker?

是该达成协议，还是无法妥协？

Is there a deal to be struck or is it a deal breaker?

好的。

Okay.

他们充满爱意、成功，并且与你共享核心价值观，但他们从不主动表达身体亲密。

So they're loving, successful, and share your core values, but they never initiate physical affection.

总是你需要先迈出第一步。

You always have to make the first move.

达成协议。

Deal to be struck.

达成协议。

Deal to be struck.

需要进行一次对话。

Conversation to be had.

达成协议，有

Deal to be struck, have

好的。

a Okay.

这些都会以‘需要谈谈’结束吗？

Are these all gonna end with have a conversation?

我只是在想，你能，你能不能

Well, I'm just wondering, can you, could

你要是说它

you What speak if it

只有一点点变化呢？

only changes a little bit?

我的意思是，你之前说过，史蒂夫，满足我的需求对我来说有多难？

I mean, you said it earlier, Steve, how hard is it for me to get my needs met?

归根结底，这是一个非常主观的问题：这够不够？

And it comes down to a very subjective question of, is it enough?

这够让我接下来四十年过得下去吗？

Is this enough for me for the next forty years?

这是你必须问自己的问题。

That's the question you have to ask yourself.

好的。

Okay.

他们忠诚、热情且情感上投入，但生活中没有远大的愿景或目标。

They're loyal, warm and emotionally present, but they don't have any big vision or goal in their life.

他们基本上对现状感到满足。

They're basically content with how things are.

你呢？

What do you?

每个人都需要一个远大的目标吗？

Does everyone need a big goal?

我不知道，

I don't know,

我

I

没错。

True.

你需要他们有远大的目标，但是

You need them to have a big goal, but

我认为你希望一个人对自己的人生有愿景，否则你可能会失去尊重，但我确实同意，也许有些情况会导致某人感到如此。对我来说，我读到这些时，几乎觉得这听起来像是某人有点抑郁。

I think you want someone to have a vision for their lives, otherwise I think you might lose respect, but I do agree that maybe there's circumstances as to why somebody might be feeling To me, I read that and I almost feel like it sounds like someone's a bit depressed.

你

You

明白我的意思吗？

know what I mean?

对生活缺乏动力和热情，这并不是

Unmotivated and unenthused by life, which is not an

有吸引力的，只是随波逐流。

attractive But just coasting.

没错。

Correct.

但可能有原因的。

But there might be reasons for that.

也许他们正在经历一些事情，正在应对心理健康问题，我觉得这并不是不可接受的，但我确实认为，和这样的人共度一生会让人精疲力尽，抱歉。

Maybe they're going through something, they're going through mental health stuff, like, I don't think it's like a deal breaker, but I do think that spending a lifetime with someone like that would be draining, sorry.

进行一次对话。

Have a conversation.

进行一次对话。

Have a conversation.

他们在纸上看起来样样都符合你的期望，但你觉得自己在他们身边时，必须展现出更成熟、更完美的自己。

They're everything you want on paper, but you feel like you have to be the more put together version of yourself around them.

你不确定他们是否真的喜欢那个不那么完美、更真实的你。

Like, you're not sure if they'll really like the less put together version of you.

他们喜欢的是你表现良好的时候。

Like, they like you when you're doing good.

我觉得你应该能够做自己。

I think you should be able to be yourself.

你必须成为一种能够持续几十年的自己。

You have to be a version of you that you can be for decades.

这是一场马拉松。

It's a marathon.

但这并不是让你变成最懒惰版本的借口，你需要有耐力来跑完这场赛跑。

And that's not an excuse to go to the laziest version of you either, but you have to like, you need stamina for this race.

你不能以一种会让你精神崩溃的速度去奔跑。

You can't you can't run it at a pace that's gonna make you lose your mind.

那么，你在哪里释放压力呢？

So where do you let the air out?

你在哪儿能稍微放松一下？

Where do you where do you relax a little?

你希望有人欣赏你放松时的样子。

And you want someone who appreciates the relaxed version of you.

事实上，你希望有人欣赏你放松时的样子，因为这意味着他们也可以放松。

You want, in fact, want someone who appreciates the relaxed version of you because it means they can be relaxed too.

他们不需要你时刻完美。如果你总是完美，他们会觉得自己也必须时刻完美。

They don't have to be perfect all the If you're perfect all the time, then they have to they feel like they have to be perfect all the time.

或者他们会觉得自己有权一直拥有完美的你，那样的话，你就有更大的问题了。

Or they feel they're entitled to the perfect you all the time, in which case you've got a bigger problem.

但我宁愿通过做真实的自己，看看会发生什么，来弄清楚一个人是否一直觉得有权拥有一个不切实际的我。

But I'd rather find out if someone feels entitled to an unrealistic version of me all the time by being a realistic version of me and seeing, you know, what happens.

是的。

Yeah.

你不想这样，就像工作一样，如果你的上司容不得你任何失误，那生活会很痛苦。

You don't wanna it's like work, if you have a boss that you can never screw up with, that's a miserable life.

你想要的是一个能和你一起犯错的人，对吧？

You want someone you can make a mistake with, right?

当你犯错时会发生什么？

What happens when you do?

关系的可持续性就在于此。

That's the the sustainability of the relationship is that.

最好的情况是，我知道可以和你一起犯错，虽然不能一直犯错，也不能总是展现平庸的自己，我需要向你展现最好的一面，但同时我也能犯错，并且知道这些错误并不会定义我在你心中的真实形象，反之亦然，这才是美好关系的关键。

The best situations are ones where I know I can screw up with you, can't screw up all the time, I can't bring you my average self all the time, I have to bring you a great version of me but I can also screw up and know that I can screw up and know that that doesn't become the truth of who I am to you and vice versa and that's what makes for a great relationship.

归根结底，我不是在思考：我必须多出色才能留住一个人，而是我在思考：我和这个人有多契合？

Again, comes down to I am not living in a mode of how impressive do I have to be to keep someone, but how compatible am I with someone?

这是一种完全不同的思维模式。

And that's a very different gear.

是的。

Yeah.

这是一个非常关键的区别。

Such a key distinction.

好吧，没得谈，宝贝。

Well, no deal, baby.

那么，史蒂夫的袖子就到这里了。

So that's the end of Steve's sleeves.

他们

They

当时都像是在进行一场对话。

were sort of all like, have a conversation.

不。

No.

最后一个根本不算数。

That last one was no deal.

是吗？

Was it?

不是。

No.

就是试着做你自己。

Was just try being yourself.

我当时想，你至少先穿得正式点，看看会发生什么，再决定算不算数。

I was like, try try you know, I mean, throw on some slacks and see what happens first before you go no deal

是啊，但我说过，你不能就这样做自己，那正是问题所在。

Yeah but I said you don't get to be yourself that was the

你永远无法做自己

condition You never get to be yourself

好吧，你也不能做最差的自己

Well you don't get to be your worse self

哦，那他们确实可以

Oh then they do

无法接受

Deal breaker

谢谢大家参与

Thanks for playing everyone

谢谢大家，哦，听好了，那是史蒂夫的袖子。

Thank you everyone Well listen that was Steve's sleeves.

请在 podcastmatthewhussey.dot.com 留下您的反馈。

Leave us any feedback at podcastmatthewhussey dot com.

主题行。

Subject line.

更多袖子。

More sleeves.

或者就来点羊角面包。

Or just croissants.

别让我和大卫因为这个闹矛盾。

Don't let me and David have a beef over this.

别给我们发任何包含‘羊角面包’这个词的邮件。

Do not send us any emails with the word croissant.

这会表明你偏袒大卫。

It will be a sign that you are favoring David.

在你走之前，如果你对今天的讨论有什么问题，去问Matthew AI吧。

Well, before you go, if you've got a question from today's session, go ask it of Matthew AI.

你可以在askmh.com提问。

You can ask at askmh.com.

你可以打电话或发短信询问。

You can call it or text it.

你现在脑子里想的任何事，你都会想，唉，真希望他们能讲到这个。

Whatever is on your mind right now, you're like, oh, wish they'd have covered this.

好了，Matthew AI 现在就可以为你解答。

Well, matthew a I can cover it for you right now.

去 askmh.com，问问 Matthew AI，你希望我们在本期节目中回答什么问题。

Go to askmh.com and ask matthew a I what you wish we would have answered during the episode.

我们下次再见，继续收听《爱情生活》的另一期节目。

And we will see you next time for another episode of Love Life.

谢谢大家。

Thanks everyone.

谢谢。

Thank you.

再见。

Bye.