为什么过分努力反而会把他推得更远 | 回放

为什么这么多人会有这样的经历：表现出兴趣后，那个人突然就失去了兴趣。

Why it is that so many people have the experience of showing interest, and then when they show interest, all of a sudden, that person starts to lose interest.

这是为什么？

What is that?

因为这是一个我认为很多人在说‘总是这样’时所做出的断言。

Because this is a claim I think a lot of people make when they say this always happens.

我表现出兴趣，然后他们就消失了。

I show interest and they disappear.

这暗示了表现出兴趣本身 inherently 就是不吸引人的。

That would be to suggest that showing interest itself is inherently unattractive.

没错。

Right.

要反驳这个说法的真理性会很困难。

And it would be hard to argue the truth of that statement.

我认为我们几乎应该拆解一下：一旦我们表现出兴趣，是什么原因导致对方失去兴趣？

I think we should almost break this down into what are the causes of someone losing interest once we show our interest?

这种现象可以归为哪些类别？

What categories could that phenomenon fall into?

我想先谈谈，史蒂夫，你觉得这个想法怎么样：有些人并不是在寻找你所寻找的东西，或者他们情绪上不健康。

I'd like to start, and I'm wondering what you think of this, Steve, with a simple idea that some people are not looking for what you're looking for or are unhealthy emotionally.

是的。

Yes.

所以这是两件不同的事情。

So those are two separate things.

它们不一定相同，但我们就先从这两点开始吧。

They're not necessarily the same thing, but let's just start with those two things.

史蒂夫，你对这两点有什么看法？

What are your thoughts on on those two, Steve?

是的。

Yes.

我同意。

I agree.

所以第一种情况可能是，一旦你表现出足够的兴趣，让他们感到害怕，他们就会意识到：哦，我不愿意和这个人有这么深的承诺。

So the first one may be that once you show a level of interest that freaks them out, they they realize, oh, I don't wanna commit to this person this much.

我曾经被他们吸引。

I was attracted to them.

我和他们在一起很开心。

I was having fun with them.

我很享受约会的过程，但他们对我非常投入，于是他们可能会想：我现在得退后了，因为我陷得太深了，或者我不想去他们想走的那条路。

I was enjoying dating, but they're really into me and they might be like, I'm backing off now because I've gotten in too deep or I don't want to go where this person's taking me.

我认为这是一种确实会发生在人们身上的真实现象。

I think that is a real phenomenon that happens to people.

说得完全正确。

That's exactly right.

所以你不能把这当成个人问题。

So you can't make that a personal issue.

你只能认为有些人还没准备好进入一段真正的关系，这就是为什么当他们意识到我已经准备好时，会选择退缩。

You just have to say some people are not ready for a real relationship and that's why they're backing off when they realize that I am ready for a real relationship.

我们必须开始把这看作是积极的，而不是消极的。

And we have to start seeing that as a positive, not a negative.

如果我发现某人并不想要一段认真的关系，因此他们离开了，那我怎么能让他们留下来呢？

That if I learned that someone doesn't want a real relationship and that makes them go away, well, how was I gonna get them to stay?

通过假装我不想要一段认真的关系吗？

By pretending I didn't want a real relationship?

这仅仅意味着我把自己的痛苦推迟到了未来，直到我最终承认我想要更多。

All that means is I'm deferring my hurt to some time down the road when I finally admit that I want more.

然后呢？

And then guess what?

你还是会得到同样的答案，那就是：我害怕了。

You're gonna get the exact same answer, which is I'm scared.

我不想要更多。

I don't want more.

我我本来没打算这样。

I I was I didn't sign up for this.

关于那个男人的真相是，他从你们刚开始约会时可能就已经有这样的感觉了。

And the truth is about that guy is that he may have already felt that way from the very beginning of you dating.

并不是因为你提出来，表现出太多兴趣，他才突然觉得：我要走了。

It's not that you brought it up and suddenly showed too much interest, and now he's like, I'm out.

他可能从一开始就没打算进一步发展，只是因为你引发了这场对话。

He may have never planned to take things further, but it's only because you prompted the conversation.

所以从这个意义上说

So in that sense

他现在在退缩。

That he's now backing off.

从这个意义上讲，你所经历的只是揭示了对方一直以来的真实意图。

In that sense, what you're experiencing is just a a revealing of what someone's intentions have been all along.

因此，我们可以排除这种情形，不仅不必为此感到难过，反而是一件好事。

So we can kind of rule that out as not just something not to to feel bad about, but actually a good thing.

当你表现出更大的兴趣，却揭示了对方根本没有意愿将这段关系进一步发展时，你应当为自己感到骄傲。

That you should feel proud of yourself in the moments where you showing a greater interest reveals that someone has no intention of making something more of this situation with you.

不过，有一种情况不属于上述类别，那就是当你表达对某人的兴趣、展现出更多好感时，确实会对他们产生影响。

Though there is a different there is something that doesn't fall into that category, which is when you bringing up your interest in someone, when you showing more interest actually does have an effect on them.

这会让他们退缩。

It does repel them.

这种情况通常发生在对方本身情绪不健康的时候。

And this is the case of someone being emotionally unhealthy themselves.

是的。

Yes.

在这种情况下，可以从不同角度来理解。

So in this situation, there's different ways of looking at it.

一种是，这个人其实并不怎么看重自己。

One is you have the person who doesn't actually think a lot of themselves.

这就是‘我觉得自己很丑，所以如果你喜欢我，那你一定也很丑’这种心态。

So this is the I'm hideous so if you like me you must be hideous effect

格劳乔·马克斯说得对：‘我不会加入任何愿意接纳我这样的成员的俱乐部。’

Groucho Marx Right I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member

没错。

Exactly.

所以这是一种自我厌恶的现象。

So this is the self the kind of self loathing phenomenon.

我不喜欢自己。

I don't like myself.

我不重视自己。

I don't value myself.

所以如果你喜欢我，那你也一定没什么价值。

So if you like me then you must not have much value.

另一方面，有些人对幸福的态度是不断追求他们认为一旦得到就会让自己幸福的东西。

The other side of it is someone who their relationship with happiness is one of constantly trying to attain something that they think will make them happy once they get it.

一个简单的商业例子是，你知道，为什么呢？

A simple example of this in commercial terms is, you know, why does I don't know.

为什么美国运通要推出白金卡？

Why does American Express have a platinum card?

这是为了让拥有普通美国运通卡的人有所追求。

It's so that people who have a regular Amex can have something to aspire to.

嗯。

Mhmm.

对吧？

Right?

那么区别在哪里？

Now what's the difference?

除非我每个月花一大笔钱，否则为什么我要选择一张限额更高的白金卡而不是普通美国运通卡？

Why unless I'm spending a fortune every month, why would I want a platinum with a much higher limit over a regular Amex?

因为我以为，钱包里有张白金卡会让我更快乐。

Because I think that something about having that platinum card in my wallet is gonna make me happier.

现在我有了白金卡，美国运通却说：对了，你知道吗？Jay Z 拥有一张黑卡？

Now I've got the platinum card, and Amex says, by the way, you know, did you know Jay Z has a black card?

他有一张美国运通黑卡。

He has an Amex black card.

你不想拥有黑卡吗？

Don't you want the black card?

然后你就会问，等等，那是什么？

And you go, wait, what's that one?

他们就会说，这是我们推出的一种超级特别的美国运通卡。

And they go, it's a super special Amex we have.

拥有这张卡的人非常少，而现在你也想要这张卡了。

There's very few people who have it And now you want that one.

为什么？

Why?

它会改变你的生活吗？

Is it gonna change your life?

在某种程度上，我们一定觉得，啊，那会让我更快乐。

On some level, we must think, ah, that's gonna make me happier.

如果我能得到那张卡就好了。

If I could just get that one.

顺便说一下，你完全可以肯定，美国运通肯定还有一种我们普通人根本不知道的超级特别卡。

And you can guarantee that after that by the way, Amex there probably is some some some super special Amex that us mere mortals don't even know about.

你知道的，某种只有杰伊·兹想加入的美国运通俱乐部。

You know, some some sort of Amex club that Jay Z is trying to get into.

就只有贝索斯和马斯克而已，就这些人。

It's just it's just it's just Bezos and Elon Musk, that's it.

但当你听说那个俱乐部时，你会想，哦，我也想加入那个俱乐部，因为真正吸引人的是这种对成就的执着。

But when you hear about that club, you go, oh, I wanna be in that club, Because what it's really about is this obsession with attainment.

这种对‘我需要某样东西’的执着。

This obsession with I need something.

我需要别的东西。

I need something else.

我觉得那样会让我更快乐。

I think that's gonna make me happier.

你知道，《汉密尔顿》里那句歌词：我永远不会满足。

You know, that line that in Hamilton, you know, I'll never be satisfied.

就是那种感觉，那句话非常非常有力，我永远都不会满足。

It's that feeling of, you know, that phrase is very very powerful, you know, I'll never be satisfied.

我总是在寻找更大的、更好的、更排他的俱乐部，而对于这样的人而言，永远不会有哪个俱乐部够格让他们停止寻找下一个排他性俱乐部，因为你知道吗？

I'm always looking for the bigger thing, the better thing, the more exclusive club and you can never, for someone like that, you can never be a a great enough club for them not to be looking for another exclusive club because guess what?

一旦你对这样的人表现出兴趣，你就不再是那个排他性俱乐部了。

The moment you show interest in a person like that, you're no longer the exclusive club.

一旦你对这样的人表现出接纳，你就已经认可了他们，而接纳对他们来说却是个减分项，因为接纳意味着我已经赢了，现在得去追求另一个新的胜利。

The moment you show interest to a person like that, you've accepted them and acceptance is a turn off for them because acceptance means I already won and there's a different win now to go for.

是的。

Yeah.

所以

So

那他们现在要去追求更大的猎物是什么？

now they go for the what's the bigger kill?

更大的胜利是什么？

What's the bigger win?

更排他的俱乐部是什么？

What's the more exclusive club?

一旦你真正接受了某人，你就再也不能成为那个俱乐部了。

You can never be that club once you actually accept someone.

因为你接受了他们，你就再也不能成为他们眼中的排他性俱乐部了。

You can never again be the exclusive club to them because you accepted them.

你邀请他们进来了。

You invited them in.

所以像这样的人，我想我所作的区分是，有些人与自己有着极其不健康的关系，他们厌恶自己，因此一想到你喜欢他们，就立刻认为你一定不够好。

So someone like that so, you know, there's there's people I guess the way I'm the distinction I'm drawing is that there are people that have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with themselves where they loathe themselves and that's why they they immediately think that you must not be great if you like them.

还有一类人与幸福有着非常不健康的关系，他们认为幸福总是在游戏中，而不在拥有之中。

And then there's the people that have a really unhealthy relationship with happiness where they think that the happiness is always in the game, never in the having.

嗯。

Mhmm.

一旦他们得到了你，就再也无法得到你了。

And once they have you, they can no longer get you.

这是其中一类。

That's one group.

现在，我们也不必担心会吓跑这样的人。

Now we also shouldn't be worried about scaring off someone like that.

所以，我们可能会说，我表现出兴趣后，对方却失去兴趣的这种现象，是否只是因为这些人根本不适合我，而我应该庆幸自己把他们拒之门外呢？

So we might say, so does that just mean that all of this phenomenon of me showing interest and someone losing their interest once I show mine is just all about these people that I should be happy I'm repelling because they're wrong for me.

他们要么还没准备好。

They're either not ready.

他们想要的东西和我不一样，或者他们情绪不健康，或者对幸福有着不健康的关系。

They don't want the same things as me, or they're emotionally unhealthy or they have an unhealthy relationship with happiness.

也许吧。

Maybe.

但还有另一种类型。

But there is another category.

是的。

Yes.

而这一类需要我们审视自己。

And this is the one where we have to look at ourselves.

是的。

Yes.

这是这个方程式中自我反思的部分，也许正是我表现出兴趣时失去兴趣的原因——在于我表达兴趣的方式。

This is the self reflective part of this equation, which is perhaps one of the reasons I'm losing interest when I'm showing interest is in the manner in which I show interest.

那我们来谈谈这个，史蒂夫。

So let's talk about that, Steve.

我想知道你对这个问题有什么看法。

What are you I'm curious to know what your thoughts are on this.

我认为这不仅关乎兴趣的强度，更关乎你对什么表现出兴趣。

I think it's in what not just intensity perhaps of interest, but in what you're showing an interest in.

人们并不愚蠢，他们能感受到，比如，你的兴趣是否仅仅是为了填补生活中某种空洞的关系缺口，你只是需要一段关系来弥补自尊心的某些缺失，并将对方理想化，他们能感觉到自己获得了本不该有的关注和爱意。

And people are not stupid, and they can feel if, for example, your interest is only in fulfilling some some empty relationship shaped hole in your life where you just are needing a relationship to plug up certain gaps in your self esteem, and you have turned them into an idealized version of themselves, and they can feel like they have this unearned level of attention and affection.

于是他们想，这个人把我变成了他整个世界的中心，而有人会因此感到恐慌，因为他们的兴趣并不仅仅针对我，而是源于他们想要修复自己内心某种破碎感的需求。

And they think, oh, this person is turning me into the source of their whole world and someone can freak out then and be like, the level of the the interest they have is not just about me, it's about them needing to fix something that they feel is broken about them.

那是

That's

完全正确。

absolutely right.

完全正确。

Absolutely right.

那么，你认为关键迹象有哪些？

Now what would you say are the key signs?

我们有哪些方式会透露出，我们在当前吸引阶段过于重视对方，没有真正有机地了解他们，而是过快地对他们形成了不健康的判断，以至于进展太快，让对方开始退缩？

What are the ways that we telegraph that we are valuing someone more than we should for the stage of attraction we're in, that we are not actually getting to know them organically, but have really quickly made up our minds about them in an unhealthy way, that we are moving at a pace that is making someone start to take a step back.

在早期阶段，人们应该留意自己哪些具体行为可能传递了错误信号，从而把对方推远？

What are the what are the practical things that someone should watch out for in their own behavior that might be telegraphing the wrong things in those early stages and pushing someone away?

我认为，这或许体现在你过早地对对方做出了判断。

I think it's perhaps the way you are what you are deciding about them early on.

如果你不是在观察他们的行为，而是仅仅因为被他们迅速吸引并深信不疑，还没等他们真正向你证明自己为何会是个好伴侣、为何真心在乎你，他们甚至还没在你的生活中优先考虑你，但你却为他们生活，发现自己为了他们而放弃原本重要的事情。

If you are not looking at their behavior, but you are just you are just so you were just so bowled over and bought into them really quickly before they've actually had any time to prove to you why they would be a great boyfriend or why they would why they really, really care about you, and they're not prioritizing you yet in your life, but you're you're living for them, you find yourself dropping things that would otherwise have been important to you for them.

突然间，你的工作成了次要的，你的朋友也成了次要的，如果你知道自己有这种突然开始放弃一切的倾向，我认为这就是一个警示信号。

Suddenly your work is a backseat, suddenly your friends are a backseat and if you know you have that tendency to just suddenly start dropping things, I think that's a warning sign.

我一直认为，我们以不健康的方式被他人吸引并投入感情，与人们对待名人的方式有很多相似之处。

I have always thought that the way that we get attracted to people in unhealthy ways and invest in unhealthy ways has a lot of parallels in the way that people behave around celebrities.

是的。

Yeah.

当我们喜欢一位名人时，通常是因为一些非常单一的原因。

When we have a favorite celebrity, we often like them or admire them for some pretty one dimensional reasons.

对吧？

Right?

你最喜欢的音乐人，很可能是因为他们作为音乐人非常出色。

That your favorite musician you really like probably because they're really great at being a musician.

他们吉他弹得特别好，或者嗓音绝佳，或者你特别喜欢他们的歌曲。

They play that guitar really well or they have an amazing voice or you really like their songs.

你最喜欢的演员，是因为他们在电影中把角色演得特别好。

Your favorite actor you like because they play a role really well in a movie.

他们是个出色的演员。

They're a great actor.

我们来谈谈补水吧。

Let's talk about hydration.

我每天早上都坚持一套固定的routine。

I have a routine that I practice every single morning.

我醒来后，会先喝两杯水，然后再做其他事。

I wake up and I drink two glasses of water before I do anything else.

其中一杯只是普通的水，但让我能喝下第二杯的原因是电解质——因为它让喝水变得更有趣。

One of them is just a glass of water, but the thing that helps me drink a second glass of water is an electrolyte, because it makes it more fun.

我最近特别喜欢Cure，这是一种植物基的电解质饮品粉，纯净天然，不含添加糖，每份仅含25卡路里。

I have been loving Cure, which is a plant based electrolyte drink mix that is clean and natural with no added sugar and just 25 calories per serving.

它专注于有效补水，且不会导致能量崩溃。

It is all about effective hydration without the crash.

Cure提供多种清爽口味。

Cure offers a variety of refreshing flavors.

目前，我最喜欢的是浆果石榴味，还有西瓜、血橙、草莓猕猴桃和柠檬水口味。

Right now, I am enjoying berry pomegranate, but there is also watermelon, blood orange, strawberry kiwi, and lemonade.

它们从不过于甜腻或人工。

They are never too sweet or artificial.

百分之七十五的美国人处于脱水状态。

Seventy five percent of Americans are dehydrated.

这可能导致疲劳、脑雾和皮肤干燥。

This can lead to fatigue, brain fog, and dry skin.

Cure 采用椰子水粉和喜马拉雅粉盐等优质成分来解决这个问题。

Cure tackles this with high quality ingredients like coconut water powder and pink Himalayan salt.

这关乎高效补水，而不产生疲惫感。

It is all about effective hydration without the crash.

Love Life 的听众可以通过代码 LOVE LIFE 在 curehydration.com/lovelife 获得首单 20% 的折扣。

For Love Life listeners, you can get 20% off your first order at curehydration.com/lovelife with code LOVE LIFE.

还有一个额外福利。

And here's a bonus.

CURE已获得FSA和HSA认证，您可以使用FSA或HSA资金以更明智的方式保持水分。

CURE is FSA, HSA approved, so you can use your FSA or HSA funds to stay hydrated the smart way.

不要只是多喝水。

Don't just drink more water.

用CURE来提升它。

Upgrade it with cure.

这几乎与他们作为一个人是谁无关，因为你根本不了解他们是谁，也与他们是否在你身上投资毫无关系，因为他们甚至都不认识你。

This has almost nothing to do with who they are as a person because you don't know who they are as a person, And it certainly has nothing to do with what they're investing in you because they don't even know you.

然而，当有人见到自己最喜欢的名人时，名人所习惯的是，这个人会竭尽全力去接近名人、取悦他们，为他们做任何事，甚至以完全不合理的极端方式为他们付出。

And yet when someone meets their favorite celebrity, what celebrities are used to is that that person falls over themselves to try to meet that celebrity, impress them, they do anything for them, They'd go out of their way in completely unreasonable ways for that celebrity.

那么这到底意味着什么？

So what's that really about?

这其实是对一个人的某种特质过度估值，并在根本不了解他们是谁的情况下，就决定自己有多喜欢他们。

It's about overvaluing this quality in a person and deciding how much we like them when we really have no idea who they even are.

现在，让我们暂时把话题拉回到人们的感情生活上。

Now let's bring it back to the to people's love lives for a moment.

人们可能会说：我见过这个人两三次了，这不仅仅是外貌，我真的喜欢他们。

People could say, well I have, I've seen this person like two or three times now and it's not just their looks, you know, I really like them.

我觉得他们是个非常有趣的人。

I think they're a really interesting person.

你要明白，这仍然有点单一维度。

Think well you have to understand that it's still kind of one dimensional.

即使你觉得他们很有趣，约会时表现也很棒，你看到的仍然是他们非常有限的几个方面。

Even if you think they're really interesting and they've been great on a date, you're still seeing them in very few dimensions.

你对他们了解得并不多。

You don't know a lot about them.

所以你要问自己：基于我现在对这个人的了解程度，我的这份兴趣到底有多理性？

So you have to ask yourself how much interest is is truly rational right now for how well I know this person?

如果我现在高估了这个人，可能会犯哪些错误？

And and what are some of the mistakes that I could make if I overvalue this person right now?

我会开始放弃每周所有的晚上。

Well, I start giving up every night of the week.

我不断给他们发消息，当他们不回我时，我就再发一条。

I start bombarding their phone with messages, and when they don't text me back, I send another one.

我总是不停地回应他们临时的请求，因为我只想靠近他们。

I respond to last minute requests constantly from them because I just wanna be near them.

所以即使我原本有其他安排，我也会在最后一刻放下一切，只为去见他们。

So even if I had other plans, at the last minute, I'll drop whatever it is I have going on in order to see them.

我会做任何事，只为了能靠近他们。

I'll do anything I can just to be near them.

我忽视了自己在付出，而他们在索取的事实。

I ignore the fact that I'm giving and they're taking.

他们只是不停地索取，索取，再索取。

That they're just taking and taking and taking.

我不断地付出，付出，再付出，只因为我只想越来越靠近他们。

I'm just giving, giving, giving because I just want to get closer and closer and closer.

当别人看到这些情况时，他们开始担心，嗯，这个人……或许我会感到不安，觉得这里有点不对劲。

And when people see these things, they start to get concerned that, well this person well perhaps I get concerned, oh this I'm starting to get a strange feeling here.

我不知道这个人之所以给我这么多关注，是因为我配得上，还是因为我根本不配。

I don't know if this person's giving me this this person can't be giving me all this attention because I've earned it, because I haven't.

也不可能是因为我回赠了他们这么多，因为我根本没有。

And it can't be because I'm giving them so much back because I'm not.

所以这一定和他们的价值有关。

So this must be to do with their value now.

这一定是因为他们并不真正珍惜自己，而这并不吸引人。

It must be to do with the fact that either they don't really value themselves, which isn't attractive.

是的。

Yeah.

或者是因为他们高估了我，这意味着他们根本没有真正看到我。

Or it's to do with the fact that they've overvalued me, which means they're not really seeing me.

或者是因为他们想要的和我根本无关。

Or it's to do with the fact that what they want has nothing to do with me.

他们想要的只是一段关系。

What they want is a relationship.

他们想要的是一个目标，不管他们的目标是什么，但这与我关系不大。

What they want is a goal, whatever their goal is, but it has very little to do with me.

嗯。

Yeah.

这让我开始感到不安，因为我现在感觉自己与这个人没有任何真正的联系。

And that's starting to creep me out because I'm now feeling detached from any real connection with this person.

我所看到的只是一个追逐目标的人，他们有一个在遇见我之前就已存在的既定计划。

All I'm really seeing is someone who's driving after a goal and a preset agenda that they have that existed before they met me.

所以，如果我们决定喜欢某人，稍微表现出喜欢他们并没有错。

So we can solve that by if we decide we like someone, there's nothing wrong with showing that you like someone a little bit.

你必须给予他们一点，但不一定需要给予更多。

You have to give them a little bit but you don't necessarily have to give them more than that.

即使你说，是的，但我对这个人如此有吸引力。

And even if you say, yeah, but I'm so attracted to this person.

你可能对这个人非常有吸引力，但你的吸引力程度和你设定的界限是完全不同的两回事。

You can be so attracted to this person, but how attracted you are and what boundaries you have are very different things.

被深深吸引并不意味着没有界限。

Being so attracted doesn't have to mean having no boundaries.

你仍然可以说，是的，我。

You can still say, yeah, am.

我确实被某人深深吸引。

I am massively attracted to someone.

你甚至可以对某人这么说，但这并不意味着你愿意每周每晚都见他们。

You can even say that to someone, but it doesn't mean that you're willing to see them every night of the week.

这并不意味着你会去追逐他们。

It doesn't mean that you're gonna chase them.

这并不意味着如果你看到不喜欢的行为，你不会指出来。

It doesn't mean that if you see behavior you don't like, you're not gonna call it out.

这并不意味着他们会得到你更多的关注，除非他们开始向你展示更多的关注。

It doesn't mean they're gonna get more of your attention unless they start showing you more of their attention.

这就是人们常犯的根本性错误。

This is this is the fundamental mistake people make.

对某人产生强烈的吸引力。

Be wildly attracted to someone.

觉得某人非常性感。

Think someone is incredibly sexy.

你知道什么最有力量吗？

You know what's powerful?

有人知道你认为他们极其性感有魅力，同时也知道这并不会影响你在做选择时的行为。

Someone knowing that you think they're incredibly sexy and attractive and also knowing that that has no effect on your behavior when it comes down to what choices you make.

哦，没错。

Oh, yeah.

这真的非常有力量。

That's incredibly powerful.

如果人们看到这一点，比如，这还不足以让他们妥协自己的自尊，他们仍然会设立界限，表达不同意见，这就说明他们并没有被这种情绪所控制。

If people see that, like, that doesn't even that's not enough for them to compromise their self respect or they'll still put up boundaries or express when they disagree it's like man they're not controlled by that emotion.

这就是让人变得强大的原因——你不会因为被我吸引就违背自己的利益。

And that's what makes someone a powerful person Oh, you're not going to override your own what's good for you because you're attracted to me.

这并不意味着对方现在就需要知道你所有真正被他们吸引的方式。

And that doesn't mean that someone needs to know all of the ways that you're really attracted to them right now.

他们可以慢慢更了解一些，但最终这关乎衡量。

They can get to know that a little more slowly, but ultimately it's about measuring.

这关乎把一切放在正确的位置上。

It's about seeing everything in its proper place.

如果我正确地重视事物，那么你在外貌吸引力上给我打九分，并不会改变你在我需要支持、在困难时刻陪伴我、与我建立最深层的连接、接纳我的缺点和阴暗面、接纳真实的我的方面，还远远达不到两分的事实。

Am not gonna I can't if I'm valuing things right, then the fact that you score a nine for me in the physical attraction box doesn't change the fact that you're not even at a two yet in terms of being there for me in difficult situations or connecting with me on the deepest possible level of accepting my flaws and my darker side and who I am.

你现在怎么可能在那个尺度上打分呢？

How could you possibly be scoring anything on that scale right now?

我还没告诉你这些事呢。

I haven't told you any of that stuff.

我甚至还没让你看到我最糟糕的一面。

I haven't even shown you the worst parts of me.

我甚至还没给你机会去接纳我更困难的那些部分。

I haven't even given you a chance to accept the more difficult parts of me yet.

那么，我怎么可能知道你在那个层面上是否适合我呢？

So how could I possibly know whether you you're right for me on that level?

我做不到。

I can't.

所以在了解我们在这几个重大方面可能成为怎样的关系时，我可能会表现出喜欢你，但这种喜欢不会伴随着大量的投入。

So while I get to know what we could be in all of these really major categories, I may demonstrate that I like you, but that's not gonna be met by an incredible amount of investment.

我仍然会给你一点点，看看你是否能在我这里回应。

I'm still gonna give you a little bit and see if you meet me there.

但如果你在对某人感兴趣时，总是不断地给予，而对方只是接受，然后你又继续给予，却不等对方是否回报，就立刻再次给予。

But if if what you do when you're interested in someone is give and give and give and then they take and then you give, you don't wait to see if they give back, you just start giving again.

是的。

Yeah.

这种行为才会让人感到不适。

That's what starts to creep someone out.

是的。

Yeah.

因为他们会想：哎呀，这里发生什么了？

Because they go, uh-oh, what's going on here?

为什么？

Why?

我只是接受了，却什么都没回报。

I just took and I didn't give anything back.

现在他们可能并没有意识到这一点。

Now they may not consciously realize this.

很多人不会 consciously 意识到这一点，因为当我们身边有一个人总是付出时，我们的本能就是接受。

A lot of people won't consciously realize it because sometimes when we're around someone who gives a lot, the instinct is to take.

是的。

Yeah.

我们的本能只是享受他们给予的一切，但我们会无意识地开始把他们的付出视为理所当然。

The instinct is just to enjoy what they're giving, but we will unconsciously begin to take it for granted what they're giving.

当我们把某事视为理所当然时，就不会觉得是自己挣来的，于是只是等着它自动到来。

And when we take something for granted, we don't associate with earning it and so we just wait for it to come to us.

嗯。

Yeah.

我们甚至可能对此感到反感，因为我们想：哦，我根本没有为这种情况付出什么，而这个人却一直在给予。

We might even be repelled by it because we go, oh, this feels I'm not I'm not even giving to this situation and this person keeps giving.

这种感觉有点恶心，于是我们产生了一种不好的感觉，开始逐渐疏远，因为这种情况中某人不断给予、不断给予、不断给予，而我们却毫无回报，这让人觉得不可靠。

There's something icky about this, and then we get a bad feeling and then we start to drift away because something about this situation gives us a bad feeling because something about someone giving and giving and giving and giving, even though we're not giving back, feels unreliable.

这感觉像是一种操控。

It feels like a manipulation.

这感觉像一个人不稳定。

It feels like someone who's not stable.

这感觉像一个人没有设立任何界限，所有这些都可能让我们感到些许恐惧。

It feels like someone who doesn't have rules in place and all of these things can can make us a little afraid.

我无法信任一个没有自我界限的人。

I can't trust a person who doesn't have any boundaries around themselves.

我无法相信他们会为自己做正确的事。

I can't trust that they'll do what's right for themselves.

我不相信他们对我的感受是真实的，因为如果他们的感受是真实的，他们本该对这种情况感到反感。

I can't trust that their feelings around me are real because if their feelings around me were real, they should be turned off by this.

这种情况本该影响局势，但它并没有。

This should have affected the situation, but it hasn't.

那么，他们的感受究竟基于什么？

So what are their feelings based on?

哦，这个人身上还有别的事情在发生。

Oh there's something else going on with this person.

有一些我不知道的其他事情。

There's some other stuff I don't know about.

我并不了解。

I'm not aware of.

这个人有一面是不好的，可能是阴暗的、不快乐的、绝望的、受伤的，或者试图修复一些与我无关的事情，这一切都让人觉得不舒服。

There's a side of this person that's not good, that's dark or unhappy or desperate or hurt or trying to fix something that has nothing to do with me and all of that feels like, eesh.

嗯。

Yeah.

嗯。

Yeah.

我要推开，我要把这里推开。

I'm gonna push I'm gonna push away here.

非常感谢你收听这一集。

Thank you so much for listening to the episode.

希望你喜欢这一集。

I hope you enjoyed it.

在离开之前，今天一定要做这件事。

Before you go, make sure that you do this today.

我向你保证，每周你都因为没做我接下来要说的事而错失良机。

I promise you every week you are missing out by not doing what I'm about to say.

我每周五都会给一组注册了的人发送私人邮件。

I am sending a private email to a group of people who have registered for it every single Friday.

这封邮件叫《三种关系》，每封邮件都充满了如何改善我所认为决定你生活品质的三种关系的建议。

The email is called the three relationships, and every email is packed with advice on how you can improve one of the three relationships that I believe determine the quality of your life.

你与他人的关系、你与自己的关系，以及你与生命本身的关系。

Your relationship with other people, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with life itself.

这是一封非常有价值的邮件。

It's a super valuable email.

人们都非常期待这封邮件。

People really look forward to it.

这不是那种你不会打开的邮件。

This is not the kind of email that you don't open.

这是一种让你每周五都迫不及待想在收件箱里看到的邮件。

It's the kind of email you can't wait to see in your inbox every Friday.

前往 3relationships.com 免费注册这封邮件，本周五我在你的收件箱里等你。

Go over to the 3relationships.com to sign up for that email for free, and I will see you in your inbox this Friday.

谢谢大家的收听。

Thanks for listening, everyone.

我们下一期再见。

I'll see you in the next episode.

保重，热爱生活。

Be well and love life.