每个完美主义者都需要听到的心态转变（重播）

欢迎收听玛丽的一杯茶播客。

Welcome to the Mary's Cup of Tea Podcast.

我是你的主持人，耶尔科夫斯基。

I'm your host, Jelkovsky.

我是一名作家、演讲者，同时也是自爱的倡导者。

I'm an author, speaker, and all around self love advocate.

这个播客会激励你去爱自己。

And this is the podcast that'll inspire you to love yourself.

这期节目特别送给那些追求完美的人。

This message is especially for my perfectionists.

如果你感到很大的压力，要求自己必须完美，无论是身材、成绩、人际关系，还是你的言行举止，比如那种社交焦虑，觉得自己必须对别人说出完美的话，才能让他们有某种感受，然后一直在脑子里反复纠结。

If you feel a lot of pressure to be perfect, whether that's your body or your grades or your relationship or the way you act or the things you say to other people, like that kind of social anxiety of, like, I have to say the perfect thing to this person in order to make them feel a certain way and just constantly overthinking in your head.

所以，我想让你想一想，当你专注于完美主义或追求完美时，你错过了哪些东西？

So I want you to think about when you're focused on perfectionism or being perfect, what things are you missing out on?

你是在等待完美的时机吗？

Are you waiting for the perfect moment?

你是不是在等着自己具备所有完美的技能和工具，才去申请那份工作？

Are you waiting to have all the perfect skills and tools you need to apply for that job?

你是不是把所有事情都想得太复杂，结果根本不去行动，因为你属于那种除非知道自己能做好，否则就不愿意去做的人，而“做好”其实就是“做到完美”的另一种说法。

Are you completely overthinking everything and you don't take action at all because you're the kind of person that doesn't want to do it unless you know you're gonna be able to do it well, and well is code word for perfectly.

所以当你想到这些的时候，完美主义显然是个阻碍。

So when you think about these things, perfectionism is obviously something that gets in the way.

我一直觉得自己是个完美主义者。

And I've always identified as a perfectionist.

我以前以为完美主义是一种性格特质，但后来才意识到并不是这样。

Like, I thought perfectionism was a personality trait, and I didn't realize that it's not.

你的性格并不是追求完美。

Your personality is not trying to be perfect.

那只是焦虑的一种表现，或者说是希望别人喜欢你的表现，再加上很多其他因素，让你潜意识里觉得，只要自己完美了，只要能把事情做得特别好，这些问题就能解决。

That is just a manifestation or a form of anxiety and wanting people to like you and a combination of so many different things that you think subconsciously that those things can be solved if you were just perfect, if you could just do this really, really well.

结果，你把所有的责任、责备和负担都压在自己身上，压在你追求完美的能力上，而这种能力根本不存在。

And in turn, you're putting all the responsibility and the blame and the burden on yourself and your ability to be perfect, which does not exist.

当你想着要做到完美时，那其实是一种表演。

When you think about being perfect, that is a performance.

那是一种远离现实的幻觉。

That is an illusion that is so far removed from reality.

它根本不存在。

It does not exist.

当你看到p e r f e c t这个词，我希望我没拼错，当你看到p e r f e c t这个词，当你看到它，想到它，你是怎么念的？

When you see the word p e r f e c t, I hope I spelled that right, when you see the word p e r f e c t, when you see it, when you think about it, how do you pronounce it?

不管是大声说出来还是在心里默念，你是怎么说的？

Whether that's out loud or in your head, like, how do you say it?

很可能你念的是“perfect”。

Chances are you probably pronounce it like perfect.

你念成“perfect”的可能性非常非常小。

Chances are very, very slim that you pronounce it perfect.

你听出区别了吗？

Do you hear the difference?

完美和追求完美。

Perfect and perfect.

完美是形容词。

Perfect is an adjective.

我们很少会把那个词想成从完美到追求完美。

Very rarely do we think of that word as perfect to perfect.

而追求完美是动词。

And perfect is a verb.

它是让某件事变得更好的过程，是不断完善的过程。

It is the process of perfecting something, the process of making something better.

这里的关键词是过程，当你在追求完美时，它永远不会完美，因为完美是一种幻觉。

And the keyword here is process, that when you are perfecting something, it's never perfect because perfect is an illusion.

它不存在。

It doesn't exist.

它永远不会完全完美，但追求完美的过程其实也没那么糟。

It is never ever fully perfect, but it's the process of perfecting that isn't all so bad.

我觉得对于身体以外的大多数事情，还有想改变身体这件事，因为我觉得你的身体已经很完美了，没什么需要改变的。

I would say that for most things outside of your body and trying to change your body because I think that your body is already perfect and there's nothing that needs to change.

但是对于很多你想做到完美的事情，你从来不给自己机会去完善，因为很可能你一开始就太执着于完美，以至于你连试都不试，连让自己犯错的机会都不给，然后一步步去完善。

But for many other things that you're trying to be perfect at, you never give yourself the opportunity to perfect because chances are you're so caught up in being perfect right off the bat that you don't even try, that you don't even let yourself be bad and then take micro steps into perfecting.

所以这更多是关于，比如你想创业、开博客，或者想尝试新事物、去上新课、学语言、约会、和朋友出去玩。

And so this is more in the realm of, like, if you want to start a business or a blog or you wanna try something new, go to a new class, learn a language, date, go out with friends.

就像，如果你有想做的事、想尝试的事或者想提高的事，你从来不会真正让自己去做，因为你太纠结于要立刻完美地完成它们。

Like, if there's things that you wanna do or try or get better at, you never really let yourself do them because you get so held back on trying to have them done perfectly right away.

正因为如此，并不是说你是完美主义者。

And because of that, it's not that you're a perfectionist.

只是你不让自己处在完善的过程中，因为说实话，这就是最让人纠结的地方，如果你从不让自己处在完善的过程中，那你怎么能称自己为完美主义者呢？

It's just that you don't let yourself be in the process of perfecting because truly, and this is where the mind fuck is, if you never let yourself be in the process of perfecting, then how can you call yourself a perfectionist?

我们所说的完美主义者，其实是那些活在一切都要时刻完美这种幻觉里的人。

A perfectionist, as we know it, is actually somebody who just lives under the illusion of everything needs to be perfect all of the time.

如果不完美，那就不值得做，我甚至不会去尝试，我就是个废物，我不配拥有生活中任何美好的东西，因为它不能立刻完美。

And if it's not, then it's not worth it, and I'm not even gonna try, and I'm a piece of shit, and I am not worthy of anything good in my life because it's not perfect right away.

这就是让我们止步不前的原因。

That is what holds us back.

那个形容词“完美”和追求一个不存在的东西，而不是动词“完善”，去经历学习的过程。

That adjective perfect and striving to be something that doesn't exist rather than the verb of perfect, to perfect, being in that process of learning.

基本上，你只是在学习，每一步都在变得更好。

Basically, all you're doing is learning, and with each and every step, you're getting better.

所以如果你想减轻追求完美的压力，那就让自己去经历完善的过程吧。

So if you want to ease the pressure of being perfect, allow yourself to instead be in the process of perfecting.

别再等待那个完美的时刻，等你看起来完美、一切都完美了才出去认识新朋友。

So stop waiting for the perfect moment where you look perfect and everything is perfect for you to go out and meet new people.

相反，就让自己处于这样的过程中：我在努力，我在学习，或者我在摆脱社交焦虑，想要在别人面前更自在、更投入，真正享受约会，无论是和朋友还是潜在的恋爱对象。

Instead, just be in the process of, I'm working or I'm learning or unlearning my social anxiety and wanting to be more comfortable and present around other people and really enjoy myself on dates, whether that's with friends or potential romantic partners.

这就是完善我的社交技巧的过程，当然，这些技巧其实并不需要完善，因为那是个幻觉。

And that is the process of, like, maybe perfecting my social skills when, of course, they don't really need to be perfected because that's an illusion.

但当你能够思考并更多地进入那个过程和那个“完善”的动词时，它就会迫使你迈出第一步。

But when you can think and step into more of just that process and that verb of perfecting, then what it does is it forces you to take the first step.

它逼着你继续迈出那些步伐，并且明白永远不可能完全完美，因为那都是假的。

It forces you to continue taking those steps and knowing that it'll never be fully perfect because that's fake.

那不是真实的。

It's not real.

根本没人想要那样。

Nobody even wants that.

我们不喜欢看那些完美的人。

We don't like to look at perfect people.

看到那些看似完美的人，我们会觉得自己很糟糕。

We feel like shit when we look at people who seem perfect.

但有些东西一直吸引我们去看，也许那只是我们自我贬低的倾向，我们会想，看看那些完美的人吧，我们知道他们不是真实的，因为他们做了那么多整容手术、修图，还有那么多钱去做那些特别奢侈的事情。

And something keeps drawing us to that, and maybe that's just our self deprecating tendencies where we're like, let's look at perfect people who we know aren't real because they have so much cosmetic surgery and editing and so much money to do all these really extravagant things.

我们看着他们，我觉得大多数人看那些所谓的完美的人，并不会感到被激励。

And we look at them, and I don't think most people look at, quote, unquote, perfect people and feel inspired by that.

我觉得大多数人看的时候，多少带着点嫉妒，或者那种奇怪的向往感。

I think most of us look at it in some kind of, like, jealousy or this weird aspirational sense.

我刚才想说什么来着？

Where was I going with that?

我为什么突然说起这个？

Why did I start talking about that?

哦，重点是，完美不仅不存在，而且也不让人愉快。

Oh, the point is that not only does being perfect not exist, but it's also just not pleasant.

它不值得追求。

It's not anything to strive for.

它不会让别人更欣赏你、更亲近你，或者更爱你。

It's not something that makes people admire you or connect with you or love you more.

所以，追求完美根本不值得。

So it's just not worth it.

我希望你把完美主义看作一种应对机制。

And I want you to see perfectionism as a coping mechanism.

并不是说你的性格就是完美主义的，这就是你本来的样子，你永远会被它控制。

It's not that your personality is perfectionistic and that this is just who you are and you will always be controlled by it.

这只是你学会的一种方式，试图赢得别人的认可，甚至可能是爱，无论是你的父母对你期望非常高，只有当你拿回全A的成绩时才表现出为你骄傲，还是你的前任总是让你觉得自己不够好。

It's just that that's the way that you learned to somehow try to earn people's approval and maybe even love, whether that's your parents having just really, really high expectations of you and only showing that they're proud of you if you brought home straight a's or maybe your ex always made you feel like you're not good enough.

他们看着别人的身材，那些社会或你认为完美的身材，你也想成为那样。

And they looked at other people's bodies, bodies who society or you thought were perfect, and you wanted to be that.

你以为只要自己更完美，就能赢得他们的爱。

And you thought that you could somehow earn their love if you were just more perfect.

但事实是，那不是真正的爱。

But the truth is that that's not real love.

真正的爱是赢不来的。

You can't earn real love.

完美并不是爱、成功以及我们在生活中追求的那些东西的前提条件。

Being perfect is not a prerequisite for love and success and all these things that we kind of strive for in life.

这些东西没有一样是来自完美的。

None of them come from being perfect.

如果你确实觉得它们来自完美，或者你只是学会了那是别人对你的期望，那么要知道，那是他们的应对机制。

And if so, if you do feel like they come from being perfect or at some point you just learned that that's what people want from you, then know that that was their coping mechanism.

比如说，你父母对你期望很高，对你很严格，而你努力做到完美来达到他们的要求，这其实是他们自己在应对生活失控的一种方式。

For example, your parents having really high expectations from you and being really hard on you and you trying to be perfect to live up to that, that was your parents coping with the fact that they fell out of control with their life.

他们觉得如果能控制自己的孩子，或者确保孩子能有所成就，那就能反映他们的价值，或者某种程度上解决他们自己的问题。

And they thought if they could control their children or make sure that they live up to be something, then that would be a reflection of them or that would somehow solve their problems.

这跟你本身没有关系。

It has nothing to do with you.

我知道这些想法很难改变，需要花很多时间，做很多深入的工作才能摆脱，但为了挣脱完美主义的枷锁，这一切都是值得的。

And I know these are things that are just so difficult and time consuming and require a lot of in-depth work to unlearn, but it's worth it to break free from the chains of perfectionism.