厌倦了不断“修复”自己？这里教你如何停止挣扎，开始真正生活（重播）

欢迎收听玛丽的一杯茶播客。

Welcome to the Mary's Cup of Tea Podcast.

我是你的主持人，玛丽·耶尔科夫斯基。

I'm your host, Mary Jelkovsky.

我是一名作家、演讲者，同时也是自爱的倡导者。

I'm an author, speaker, and all around self love advocate.

这个播客会激励你去爱自己。

And this is the podcast that'll inspire you to love your yourself.

嘿，自爱者们。

Hey, self lovers.

首先，抱歉这期播客的标题有点奇怪和普通。

First of all, sorry for the generic weird podcast episode title.

我确实很纠结该给这期节目起什么名字，因为它有点深奥和特别，我不知道什么标题能涵盖所有内容。

I truly was struggling with, like, what to name this episode because it's kind of esoteric and weird, and I didn't know what would just capture all of it.

所以非常感谢你点击进来并信任我。

So I greatly appreciate you clicking on this and trusting me.

话虽如此，我也想提醒你，这个想法我还没完全想清楚，我是一边说一边在梳理，因为我通常都是边说话边思考的。

And with that being said, I also want to warn you that I haven't fully developed this idea yet, and I'm kind of flushing it out as I speak because I generally think as I'm talking.

而且这件事一直让我夜不能寐。

And this is just something that has been keeping me up at night.

我最近睡得不太好。

I haven't been sleeping really well.

我一直做一些很清晰的梦，而且在治疗中、睡眠中、和朋友聊天时，以及观察世界和人们的状态时，我都在有意识和无意识地处理很多事情，诸如此类。

I've been having, like, very vivid dreams, and I've just been processing a lot both consciously and subconsciously in therapy and in my sleep and in talking with friends and just observing people in the state of the world and all of that jazz.

所以我会尽力把这个想法用语言表达出来。

So I'm gonna do my best to put this idea into words.

但如果它引起了你的共鸣，或者你有什么想补充的，或者你有自己的想法，欢迎去Mary's Podcast的Instagram给我发私信，因为我很想听听你的看法，想知道这是否引起了你的共鸣，或者你是否觉得我们方向对了，但我可能漏掉了一个关键……

But if it calls you or if you have something to add or some thoughts of your own, feel free to hop on over to at Mary's podcast and send me a DM over there on Instagram because I would love to hear what you think and if this resonated with you or if you think maybe we're on the right track here, but I'm missing, like, a big key...

拼图的重要一块，请告诉我。

The big piece of the puzzle, please let me know.

就像我说的，我一直在思考很多事情，我注意到很多人，包括我自己，都在挣扎。

So like I said, I've been thinking about a lot, and I've noticed that so many people, myself included, are struggling a lot.

有些困难是很大的，当然也是合理的，而且所有的困难都是非常合理的。

Some of the struggles are big and definitely warranted and always all the struggles are so so valid.

但这里我就说说我自己吧。

But I'll speak for myself here.

我在自己身上注意到的一点，真的让我很烦，就是有时候我纠结的事情，根本不值得想那么多。

What I've noticed in myself, which really annoys me, is that sometimes I'm struggling about things that just, like, aren't worth even thinking so much about.

就好像我的大脑在凭空制造问题，这有点像一种混合状态。

It's almost like my brain is making up problems that aren't there, and it's kind of this mix.

我的意思是，这……

I mean, it's...

我想这……

I guess it's...

等一下。

Hold on a second.

一方面，有很多东西我们可以批评，比如社会、世界现状等等。

On one hand, there's a lot that we can critique about society, the state of the world, etcetera.

我很喜欢我们讨论那些不对的地方，或者那些对我们个人和整个人类不利的事情。

And I love that we're talking about what's not right or what's not conducive to us as individual humans and to humanity as a whole.

而且我特别高兴，你知道，我会第一个说这早就该来了，但我真的很开心我们开始认真对待心理健康，更公开地谈论这些事情。

And I absolutely love, and you know, will be the first person to say that this has been a long time coming, but I'm really glad that we're taking our mental health seriously and talking about things more openly.

另一方面，至少在我自己身上，再说一遍，我只说我自己，我注意到抱怨生活好像已经成了一种习惯。

And on the other hand, at least in myself, again, I'll speak for myself, I've noticed that I feel like complaining about life has become like a habit.

当我抱怨某件事的时候，我其实并不是在找解决办法，甚至不希望它被解决。

When I'm complaining about something, I'm not really even looking for a solution or I don't even want it to be fixed.

我只是在说一些我纠结的事情，把它们说出来，就是为了跟别人产生共鸣，或者几乎是在给自己找借口，解释为什么我做不到，为什么这个对我不起作用，为什么我……

I'm just kind of saying stuff that I'm struggling with and, like, verbalizing things and putting them out there for the sake of, like, relating to someone or almost making, like, excuses for myself as to why I can't do something or why this isn't working for me or why I'm...

我不知道。

I don't know.

就是自己给自己设限，典型的自我设限思维。

Just like getting in my own way, the epitome of limiting beliefs.

而且我坚信，我们在这个星球上的终极目标不一定是快乐，而是满足，找到内心的平静和生活的意义。

And I firmly believe that the ultimate goal of us on this planet is not necessarily to be happy, but rather to be content and find a sense of peace and meaning in our lives.

我在之前的一集里聊过这个，我会在节目笔记里放上链接。

And I talked about this in a previous episode that I'll link in the show notes.

我不记得是哪一集了，但标题是《别追求快乐，试试这个》。

I don't remember what episode number it was, but it was called stop trying to be happy and do this instead.

在那集里，我说与其追求快乐，不如试着在生活中寻找更多意义，或者创造更多意义，因为指望自己一直快乐真的不现实。

And in that episode, I talked about how instead of striving to be happy, we might be better off trying to look for more meaning in our lives or create more meaning in our lives because it's truly unrealistic to believe that we'll be happy all of the time.

而且，正是因为我们不断追求快乐，才让自己变得不快乐。

And by constantly striving to be happy, that's actually how we're making ourselves unhappy.

这听起来很矛盾，但我觉得这正好适用于我观察到的这种“挣扎”现象：我们越是挣扎，越是把挣扎说出来，看似想停止挣扎，结果反而挣扎得更厉害，因为我们太执着于不挣扎，想把生活里每件小事都修好。

And it's paradoxical, but I think it kind of applies to this whole struggle phenomenon that I'm witnessing is that by constantly struggling and, like, giving voice to our struggles and seemingly trying to stop struggling, we're only struggling more because we're so set on not struggling and, like, fixing every little thing in our lives.

你明白我的意思吗？

Does that make sense?

这就像一下子反转了。

It almost, like, flips the switch.

这种事就是这样，你越用力推，越努力试，想得越多，处理得越多，你就越……

It's one of those things that, like, the harder you push, the harder you try, the more you think, the more you process, the more you...

我想，你越是了解自己、看清自己。

I guess, the more you kind of know and realize things about yourself.

就像你总能找到可以挑剔的地方，总能找到可以批评的地方，总能找到可以改进的地方，总想着变得更好，你几乎会掉进这个陷阱，就是不断地自我提升，却从来不能完全满足、完全平静，只是享受过程，而不是拼命去修复你自认为的所谓“问题”。

It's like you always find something to pick apart, and you're always finding something to criticize, and you're always finding something to work on and some way to be better, and you almost fall into this trap of, like, constantly improving yourself and never ever just being 100% content, 100% at peace, just enjoying the ride without diligently trying to fix everything you think is quote unquote wrong with you.

我觉得这里面有很多因素，但其中一些就像享乐适应，基本上就是说，一旦我们在生活中达到某种好的水平，比如某人开始赚更多钱，一开始会感觉很好。

I think that there's like so many things that are going into this, but some of the things are like hedonic adaptation, which is essentially the idea that, like, as soon as we achieve some level of, like, good things in our lives, like, say, somebody starts making more money, it feels good for a little bit.

短期内，我们会想，哦，太好了。

In the short term, we're like, oh, yay.

我赚更多钱了。

I'm making more money.

我有更多钱可以花了。

I have more money to spend.

但长期来看，我们会把这当作新的常态，然后就不再那么高兴了。

But in the long term, we get used to that as our baseline, and then we're no longer as happy about it.

这就是所谓的享乐适应，而且这已经被反复证明了无数次。

So that's called hedonic adaptation, and it's something that's been proven so many times.

这是那种我们大脑都会有的认知偏差之一，就是我们会慢慢习惯生活中那些好的东西。

It's one of those, like, cognitive biases that all of our brains do is that we just kinda get used to the good stuff in our lives.

再加上享乐适应和这种消费主义文化，我们总是追求更多，拼命工作，总想变得更厉害，更别提还有那种攀比心理了。

And a blend between hedonic adaptation and then this, like, consumerist culture where we're always striving for more and hustle and grind messages, where we're always trying to be something bigger, and not to mention comparisonitis.

总觉得别人的草更绿。

The grass is always greener on the other side.

总有人过得比自己好。

Somebody always has it better.

我住在亚利桑那的郊区，但刷了一个小时TikTok后，我就觉得，我需要一个远离电网的小木屋。

I live in the suburbs of Arizona, but suddenly after one hour on TikTok, I'm like, I need a cottage off the grid.

但刷到另一个TikTok页面，我又觉得，不对。

But then I'm on a different side of TikTok, and I'm like, no.

我需要一个纽约市的阁楼。

I need a loft in New York City.

而且在这些时刻，我完全意识不到。

And it's like, I fail to recognize in those moments.

我总会试着让自己重新脚踏实地。

I always try to reground myself.

但在那些时刻，我的大脑就是忘了，我其实有一个温馨的家，住在一个让我感到安全的地方，而且我喜欢住在这里。

But in those moments, my brain just forgets that I have a lovely home in an area that I feel safe in, and I like living here.

我的居住环境其实没什么特别不好的。

And there's nothing particularly wrong with my living situation.

我只是总在想着还能怎么更好。

I'm just constantly looking for what could be better.

我还想说，孤独感也是我们常常感到挣扎的一个原因。

And I would also argue that loneliness plays into this reason why we're, like, often struggling.

因为当我们感到孤独时，我们会寻找东西来填补那种缺乏连接的空白，而我们以为能填补它的，不是人与人之间的连接，而是别的东西。

Because when we're lonely, we're looking for things to fill that void of connection, and we think that what's going to fill it is something other than human connection.

我们觉得，只要我能拥有这个，或者达到那个，或者赚更多，或者做得更多，我就值得被连接。

We think that if only I could have this or achieve this or make more or do more with myself, then I'll be worthy of connection.

但实际上，我们大多数人真正缺少的，是社区，是那些我们信任、每天都能见到的人，是那种亲密和团结，是真正感受到被那些真心为我们好的人支持和拥抱。

But in reality, most of us just are really lacking community and people we trust and see on a daily basis and that closeness and togetherness and really feeling like supported and held by people who have your best interest at heart.

你知道吗？

You know?

为什么去隔壁邻居家借一杯糖会这么奇怪？

Why is it so weird to go next door to the neighbor and ask for a cup of sugar?

为什么这这么奇怪？

Why is that so weird?

而且不知怎么的，这件事变得特别特别奇怪。

And for some reason, it's become so so weird.

所以我们在某种程度上变得孤立和孤独。

So we have become, like, isolated and lonely in some ways.

也许我们在其他方面联系更紧密，但我认为我们一直在试图填补这个空缺，这就是为什么我们总觉得自己在挣扎，即使客观上我们并没有在挣扎。

Perhaps we're more connected in other ways, but I think that there's this void that we're constantly trying to fill, which is why we feel like we're always struggling even if we're not objectively struggling.

当我观察自己的思维时，我之所以注意到这一点，是因为除了小屋的例子，我还发现自己经常在想“要是……就好了”。

When I observe my thinking, the reason why I noticed this in my own thought patterns, it's because aside from the cottage example, I also find myself thinking in, like, if only.

比如，要是我爸爸愿意跟我说话，我就不会在治疗中为他哭泣了。

Like, if only my dad would talk to me, then I wouldn't be in therapy crying about him.

要是我的未来婆婆完全接受我梦想中的婚礼，那就根本不会有任何冲突了。

If only my future mother-in-law was totally okay with the wedding that I pictured, then there would be absolutely no conflict whatsoever.

事实是，就算没有这种烦恼，也会有别的烦恼。

And the truth is that if there's not one type of struggle, there's another one.

就是说，我们不可能把所有问题和烦恼都彻底解决掉，然后一切就都消失了，生活就完美了。

Like, it's not like we can fully rid ourselves of all problems, of all struggles, and then everything's gonna go away and life will just be perfect.

我注意到自己身上，我把完美主义，特别是追求身体外形、成绩、成就或者某种声望的完美主义，尤其是在我饮食失调和健身的那段日子里，换成了另一种东西。

What I've noticed in myself is that I've replaced perfectionism, specifically striving for perfectionism in terms of how my body looks or my grades or how much I achieve or some kind of clout, right, especially back in my disordered eating and fitness days.

我把那种完美主义换成了稍微不同的东西，可能更被社会接受，本身也不是坏事，但对我来说却成了一种完美主义，那就是追求生活的完美。以为解决问题是最终目标，却没意识到解决了一个问题，还会有下一个问题，而挣扎本身就是生活的一部分。

I've replaced that kind of perfectionism with something a little bit different and something that's probably a little bit more socially acceptable and not inherently a bad thing, but that's become a sort of perfectionism for me, which is like perfecting my life, Thinking that fixing problems is an end goal and not recognizing that once I fix one problem, there's going to be another problem And that the struggle is a part of life.

挣扎是生活的一部分。

Struggling is a part of life.

因为记住，你的大脑是个解决问题的高手。

Because remember, your brain is a master problem solver.

它天生就爱找问题。

It's wired to be looking for problems.

如果没有问题，它甚至会试图制造问题。

And if there aren't any problems, it will even try to create them.

所以，我们才要做心态训练，为什么我们……

Hence, why we do mindset work, why we...

我现在跟你说这些，是因为我想克服一些限制性信念，尤其是那些隐藏得很深的，不再被那些主要存在于我们脑海中的问题所困扰。

Why I'm talking to you about this right now is because I wanna overcome some of these limiting beliefs, especially the sneaky ones, and stop succumbing to problems that are mainly in our minds.

因为有时候，故事就是：我总得为某件事挣扎。

Because sometimes the story is, I must always be struggling with something.

我总得在某种程度上提升自己。

I must always be working on myself in some way.

总有需要改进的地方。

There is always something to improve.

我现在的样子还不够好。

I am not good enough as I am.

归根结底就是这样。

That's what it boils down to.

而对此的解药，就是那种感觉……

And the antidote to that, to feeling that just...

那叫什么来着？

What is that called?

就像，生活中的那种不满感，其实是要认识到每个人都在为某些事情挣扎。

Like, the feeling of dissatisfaction in our lives is to recognize that everyone is always struggling with something.

如果你把这一点当作生活的事实来接受，感觉会怎样？

How does it feel if you accept that as a fact of life?

你现在经历的一切完全正常。

That what you're going through right now is totally normal.

无论是什么，你都会挺过去的。

Whatever it is, you will come out on the other side.

而且，即使身处其中，你也正好在你该在的位置，你正在用你知道的最好的方式应对，没有什么克服能神奇地解决一切。

But also, even in the midst of it, you are exactly where you need to be and you are dealing with it the best you know how, and there is no overcoming it that is going to, like, magically fix everything.

我们都在不断进化，不断前行。

We're just all on this constant evolution, this constant journey.

就我个人而言，我花了太多时间等待某件事让我，所谓的，不再挣扎，但完全没用。

And personally, I've spent way too long waiting for something to make me, quote, unquote, stop struggling with absolutely no luck.

我不觉得这是因为我是个不知感恩的贱人什么的。

And I don't think this is because I'm an ungrateful bitch or something.

我觉得这只是说明我们被灌输了一个谎言，这个谎言说存在某种理想状态，一旦你达到了，还有下一个。

I think it just means that we've been fed a lie, This lie that says there's some sort of ideal to achieve, and once you've achieved it, there's another one.

这又是享乐适应、消费主义、追求更多、和别人比较、感到孤独、试图填补空虚的结合，而不知道这一切归根结底只是觉得自己不够好，不值得满足，也不允许自己简单地存在。

Again, it's like this blend between hedonic adaptation, consumerism, striving for more, comparing yourself to others, feeling lonely, trying to fill a void, not knowing that it all boils down to just not feeling worthy enough to be content and to give yourself grace to just exist.

而最大的心态转变就是认识到，99%的时间里，我们都会在挣扎、处理事情或经历某些事情。

And the big mindset shift is recognizing that 99% of the time, we will be struggling or dealing with something or going through something.

这百分之百正常。

And that is 100% normal.

这就是生活。

That is life.

没有哪里要去，因为你已经成功了。

There is nowhere to go because you've already made it.

一旦你认识到挣扎就是生活，你就会停止挣扎，开始真正地生活。

You will stop struggling and start living once you recognize that struggling is living.

而且每一次挣扎本身并没有什么特别独特的地方。

And there's nothing particularly unique about each individual struggle.

这是不是说，我在告诉你们，发生在你们身上的坏事都没关系呢？

Does this mean I'm telling everyone that bad things that happened to you are okay?

不是的。

No.

主要取决于你怎么定义“没关系”。

Mainly, it depends on how you define okay.

我觉得，相信坏事是可以接受的，和接受坏事在某种程度上会发生在每个人身上，这两者是有区别的。

I think there's a difference between believing that bad things are acceptable and accepting that bad things happen to everyone to some extent.

所以，我相信要对自己有同情心，始终为自己挺身而出，明辨是非，做内在的功课，努力去疗愈那些伤害过我们的人和事。

So I believe in having compassion for ourselves and always sticking up for ourselves and knowing what's right and doing inner work and trying to heal the people, the situations that have wronged us.

这包括不一定非要修复一切，要知道自己已经是完整的，不需要知道所有答案或找到所有解决方案，因为那真的不可能。

And that includes not necessarily needing to fix everything, knowing that you are already whole, and not needing to know all the answers or find all the solutions because that is truly impossible.

而且我们越逼自己去做那些事，就越会觉得不满意、不开心，总觉得哪里不对劲，有点怪怪的，总是有事情可以跟闺蜜打电话抱怨，从来不肯让自己彻底放松、享受生活，然后就是那种‘管他呢’的心态。

And the more we put pressure on ourselves to do that, the more we'll always feel dissatisfied, disgruntled, just a little bit off, a little bit weird, always something to complain about on the phone with your best friend, Never letting yourself just fully let go and enjoy life and just being like, what the fuck?

没事的。

It's fine.

我们就随便折腾折腾，走着瞧吧。

We'll just fuck around and find out.

但现在，我挺好的。

But right now, I'm okay.

挣扎就是活着。

Struggling is living.

矛盾的是，我们越不抗拒生活中的挣扎，就越会发现这些挣扎慢慢平息了。

Paradoxically, the less we resist the struggles of our lives, the more we'll find that these struggles subside.

它们在脑海里不再那么吵，生活也变得更平静一些。

They're not as loud in our heads, and life just becomes a little bit more peaceful.

而且这还是在什么都没改变的情况下。

And that's without changing anything external.

这就是简单地接受生活就是挣扎这个事实。

That's with simply accepting the fact that living is struggling.

你觉得呢？

What do you think?

在Instagram上告诉我你的想法。

Let me know what you think on the Instagram.

我出汗了，因为我觉得那段话好像是从我内心涌出来的。

I'm sweating because I feel like that message just kind of came out of me.

我希望你能理解我的意思。

I hope that you received it the way I meant it.

其实，我相信你已经理解了我的意思，归根结底，我只是想告诉你，你已经足够了，你的生活也足够了，你做的任何额外的事情都只是锦上添花。

Actually, I'm gonna trust that you received it the way I meant it, and that's ultimately is just me telling you that you are enough, your life is enough, and anything you're doing extra is just that.

只是额外的。

It's just extra.

只是加分项。

It's just a bonus.

但你内心的本质是完全没问题的，你正好在你该在的地方。

But who you are at your core is totally okay and perfectly fine, and you are exactly where you need to be.

希望我的话今天能引起你的共鸣，我们下期节目再见。

I hope my words resonated with you today, and I'll talk to you in the next episode.

嘿，爱自己的人们。

Hey, self lovers.

在我们告别之前，还有一件事。

Just one more thing before we farewell.

如果你一直在听《玛丽的一杯茶》播客，我会非常感激你能在Apple上留下评论，或者在Spotify上给节目评分。

If you've been enjoying the Mary's Cup of Tea Podcast, I would greatly appreciate it if you could leave a review on Apple or rate the show on Spotify.

你的反馈能帮助播客成长。

Your feedback helps the podcast grow.

而且，作为一个爱的语言是肯定话语的人，你的善意话语对我来说意义重大。

And as someone whose love language is words of affirmation, your kind words mean the world to me.

如果你在Apple上收听，你可以在播客主页上一直往下滑，在底部你会看到留下评论的地方。

If you're listening on Apple, you can just scroll all the way down on the podcast homepage, and at the bottom, you will see a place to leave a review.

如果你在Spotify上收听，在节目主页上会有一个小星星，点击那个星星就可以给我们评分。

And if you're listening on Spotify, on the show's homepage, there will be a little star, and clicking that star will let you send in your rating.

非常感谢你的收听，也谢谢你帮我传播自爱的礼物。

Thank you so much for listening and helping me spread the gift of self love.

说到自爱的礼物，别忘了买我的书，这本书在全球各大书店和网上都有售。

And speaking of the gift of self love, make sure you pick up my book, which is available in stores and online worldwide.

只要访问maryscupoftea.com/book，你就能找到所有购买《自爱的礼物》的链接，无论是在亚马逊、沃尔玛、塔吉特、独立小书店，还是其他任何卖书的地方。

Just go to maryscupoftea.com/book, and you'll find all the links to order The Gift of Self Love, whether that's on Amazon, Walmart, Target, small indie bookstores, and wherever else books are sold.

再次感谢你一直以来的支持。

Again, thank you so much for your endless support.

请永远记住，你是被爱着的。

Please always remember that you are loved.

我爱你，我们下次在《Mary's Cup of Tea》播客中再见。

I love you, and I will talk to you next time on the Mary's Cup of Tea Podcast.