希望酷刑

小说。

Novel.

我回家后吃了晚饭，然后整个人就特别低落。

So I came home and then had dinner, and then I was feeling really down.

到现在我还是觉得有点提不起劲。

I'm still feeling kind of down even right now.

去年十二月，我收到了Caty发来的一条语音。

In December, I get this voice note from Caty.

也不是真生谁的气，就是觉得有点不对劲。

Not really, like, mad at anyone or anything.

我觉得大概是压力有点大了吧。

I think it's just, like, feeling a little overwhelmed.

但话说回来。

But yeah.

在首尔待了三个月，这周是Caty在K-pop艺术学校最后的日子，之后她就要飞回洛杉矶了。

After three months in Seoul, it's Caty's last week before she leaves K pop art school and flies back home to LA.

自从她落地韩国，就拼命努力，只为实现当偶像的梦想。

Since she touched down in Korea, she's been working like crazy to pursue her dream to be an idol.

每周上课至少二十小时，练习时间还更多，熬了无数个通宵，三个月内参加了十一场试镜，加上过去几年算下来，总共大概三十场了。

At least twenty hours of lessons every week, even more hours practicing, countless late nights, and 11 auditions in three months, adding to a grand total of around 30 over the past few years as an aspiring idol.

而最重要的一场试镜，就是Caty心心念念的公司——The Black Label。

And the biggest, most important audition, Caty's dream company, The Black Label.

Caty拼尽全力，对自己的表现还挺满意的。

Caty gave it her all and was pretty satisfied with her performance in the audition.

一般能过试镜，或者公司对你有兴趣，都会很快通知你。

Most people who pass the auditions or like the companies are interested in, like, they let you know very fast.

所以如果过了两个星期还没消息，心里基本就明白：唉，大概没戏了。

So usually, if it's kind of like two weeks have passed and there hasn't really been any news, you kind of just like already have a sense that, oh, like, I probably didn't pass.

已经两个星期了。

It's been a fortnight.

所以Caty可以确定，The Black Label没选中她。

So Caty can say for sure she hasn't been cast by the black label.

又一场面试泡汤了。

Another audition bites the dust.

Caty平时特别坚强，但这次我能感觉到，这些拒绝正在一点点击垮她。

Caty is usually remarkably resilient, but I can tell these rejections are starting to wear her down.

我第一次在她声音里听出了绝望。

For the first time, I hear defeat in her voice.

我最害怕的就是，没人再相信我了。

I think that's definitely one of my biggest fears is that people no longer believe in me.

没人再觉得我能行。

People no longer believe that I can do it.

没人再觉得我适合这个了。

People no longer believe that I'm right for this.

我也不确定。

I don't know.

有时候真挺挫败的，我想尽全力，可就是做不到。

I think it's just like sometimes a little frustrating because I want to do the best that I can, but it's like I can't do it.

关键是，Caty得赶紧做决定了。

The thing is, Caty has to make a decision and soon.

她马上就要离开首尔了。

She's about to leave Seoul.

所以，她是该继续追这个K-pop梦，还是该放弃了？

So should she keep pursuing this K pop dream, or is it time to give it up?

我真不知道还能说什么了。

I don't really know what else to say.

我现在就是感觉特别糟。

I just like I'm feeling really bad right now.

来自Novel和USG音频，我是姜海润，这是《Mission K Pop》的最终集。

From novel and USG audio, I'm Haeryun Kang and this is the final episode of Mission K Pop.

这是一个女孩追逐偶像梦想的故事，她的经历揭示了K-pop世界既美好又混乱的真相。

The story of one woman's quest to become an idol and how her journey illuminates the beautiful and chaotic world of K Pop.

第八集：希望的折磨。

Episode eight, Hope Torture.

这一年快结束了，距离卡蒂有点紧张地第一次走进K-pop艺术学校，已经过去三个月了。

It's one of the very last days of the year, three months after a slightly nervous Caty first passed through the halls of K pop art school.

从那以后，每周我们都走进那栋灰蒙蒙的楼，穿过一楼浓烈的香薰味，坐上同一部电梯。

Every week since then, we've entered the gray block of a building, made our way through the stench of potpourri on the 1st Floor, and ridden up the same elevator.

连电梯里的自动播报声，现在都像老朋友一样亲切了。

Even the automated announcements feel like an old friend now.

学校一切都那么熟悉，唯独有一样东西变了——卡蒂的本事。

While the school feels familiar, there's one thing that has changed, Caty's skills.

她已经掌握了K-pop舞蹈里那些刁钻的腋下角度。

She's mastered the armpit angles of K pop choreography.

她的歌声里，我也看到了同样的进步。

And I've seen these same advances in her singing too.

几个月前还觉得根本不可能唱上去的音，现在她轻轻松松就能飙上去。

She can hit notes that seemed impossible just a few months ago.

一开始，我觉得卡蒂在首尔的这段最后时光，就像学期末考完试那周，大家都不用拼命了，纯粹在混日子。

At first, I think of this last stretch of Caty's time in Seoul kinda like the final week of school, you know, after exams when everybody's basically cruising through classes.

但结果完全不是轻松应付的样子。

But it turns out to be anything but cruisy.

你好。

Hello.

你好。

Hello.

早上好。

Good morning.

你别管我啊。

Also, don't mind me.

我这就去洗碗。

I'm gonna be doing my dishes right now.

我昨天才知道，今天有场试镜考核。

I found out yesterday that we have an audition eval today.

考核。

An evaluation.

卡蒂只提前不到24小时接到卡斯的通知，说她得在一群老师面前表演，包括她的舞蹈老师石恩。

With less than twenty four hours notice, Caty is told by Cass that she has to perform in front of a panel of teachers, including her dance teacher, Seok-Eun.

他们会评估她的技能和进步情况。

They're going to assess her skills and progress.

这能帮她决定，是继续追她的K-pop梦想，还是回洛杉矶后干脆换条路走。

It could help her decide if her K pop dream is still worth pursuing or if she should consider other career options when she returns to LA.

我不会。

I don't

我收到这条语音消息的第二天，就在卡西碰见了卡蒂，离她下午六点的评估没多久。

The day after I get this voice memo, I meet Caty at CAS just before her eval at 6PM.

你今天知道自己要干嘛吗？

And do you know what you're doing today?

不知道。

No.

我猜大概就是模拟一次试镜吧。

What I'm just assuming is that it's basically just like an audition simulation.

然后我突然给她来个意外消息。

And then I throw her a curveball.

我刚得知一个消息，本来以为她早就知道了——她第一个上场。

Some news I just found out, which I thought she already knew, that she's up first.

我？

I am?

啥？

What?

等等。

Wait.

我第一个？

I'm first?

开什么玩笑？

What the heck?

这意味着Caty连在等候室里调整心态的时间都没有了。

That means Caty has no time to steady herself in the waiting room.

平时呢，她可以通过窗户看到评估室里面，透过窗帘的缝隙观察别人怎么表演，心里有个底。

There, normally, she can look into the evaluation space through a window, watching the other performances through the gaps in the curtains, getting a sense of how they work.

可这次呢，她是一点准备都没有，直接上场。

This time, she's going in totally blind.

我现在真的一头雾水。

I'm really confused right now.

说实话，我根本不知道这事儿到底要我干啥。

Like, I actually just like, I don't even know what this is going to entail.

是啊。

Yeah.

我真的完全没谱。

I don't I don't know.

咱们该走了吗？

Should we get going?

现在几点了？五十四分。

What time is It is fifty four.

好吧。

Okay.

我们

We

快步走向正在评分的房间。

speed walk over to the room where the evaluations are taking place.

六楼的教室，就是Caty平时上舞蹈课的地方。

The 6th Floor studio, the same place Caty has dance lessons.

今天，这个熟悉的房间里，都是熟面孔，但表情却完全不一样了。

Today, in this familiar room, there are familiar faces, but with unrecognizable expressions.

Caty的老师们全都变成了评委。

Caty's teachers have been transformed into judges.

Caty的舞蹈老师石恩，没像往常那样笑嘻嘻的，而是严肃地盯着面前的一叠纸。

Caty's dance teacher, Seok-Un, isn't grinning like usual, but looks sternly at the stack of papers in front of him.

还有Caty的声乐老师Yoda，以及CAS的另一位负责人。

There's also Caty's vocal teacher, Yoda, and another manager at CAS.

卡蒂放下包，感受到气氛不对，老师们则忙着整理评分表。

While Caty puts down her bag, nervous at the change in energy, the teachers shuffle their grading sheets.

卡蒂用韩语自我介绍，就像她每次试镜时那样。

Caty introduces herself in Korean, the way she always does in auditions.

她说自己也会说英语和中文，是个能跳舞的创作型歌手。

She says she can also speak English and Chinese, and she's a songwriter who's confident in dancing.

卡蒂的

Caty's

站得笔直，准备用原创说唱和编舞点燃舞台。

poised, ready to carve up the stage with her original rap and choreography.

但接着，发生了一件事，让我真有点懵了。

But then something happens that makes me go, for real?

卡蒂当着大家的面站上了体重秤。

Caty steps onto a scale in front of everyone.

评委们则在评分表上，记下了她的体重。

And on the grading sheet, the judges write down her weight.

我听说在K-pop的考核里，称体重挺常见的。

I've heard weighing is pretty common in K pop evals.

我知道正式海选时，每个人的申请表上都会写明体重。

And I know that in official auditions, weight is listed in everyone's application file.

但亲眼看到这一幕，我还是挺震惊的。

But I feel shocked to actually see it.

在明亮的灯光下，Caty脸色有点发红，但她一点没乱，直接接着表演下一段。

Under the bright studio lights, Caty looks a bit flushed, but she doesn't miss a beat and moves on to the next act.

明白了。

Okay.

全球都在跑着追梦呢。

All around the world down running.

行吧。

Okay.

教育背景？Gotti？你根本一点都不了解我。

Educated Iogi, Gotti, you don't even really know me.

凭什么是你？

Why you?

光看我这张脸？

Looking at my looks.

我的脑子才是他的钱。

My brain's his money.

评委们在面前的评分表上唰唰写着。

The judges scribble on the criteria sheets in front of them.

我会成为你梦里最深的向往，是美与野性的化身。

I'll be the dream of your dreams, the beauty and beast.

你明明知道我超厉害。

You know that I slay.

这场景挺少见的，但我好像看到Caty有点紧张。

It's a rare sight, but I think I see Caty nervous.

我听过她唱这首歌好多次了，但今天她的声音里有种不对劲的感觉，好像没完全进入状态。

I've heard her perform this many times before, but there's something in her voice that tells me she's not quite in the zone tonight.

所以我现在就想放飞自我，毕竟我有这个资本。

So all I wanna do because I got the juice.

别惹我。

Don't mess with me.

别碰我。

Don't touch me.

我全天候在线。

I'm all day.

Caty刚唱完，立马就接上了舞蹈表演。

After finishing her vocal performance, Caty goes straight into her dance routine.

还是觉得少了点什么。

Again, something is missing.

我感觉Caty就是在走形式，只想赶紧完事了事。

It feels to me like Caty's going through the motions, that she just wants to get this over with.

接下来就是评委点评了。

Then, come the critiques.

卡蒂在CAS的这些辛苦努力，最终就体现在这个上面？

What might represent the sum of Caty's grueling efforts at CAS.

过去三个月，我觉得卡蒂确实有明显进步，但今晚完全不是那么回事。

I feel like I've seen tangible improvements in Caty for the past three months, but tonight wasn't it.

不过我也不是专家。

I'm no expert though.

她的老师怎么说？

What do her teachers have to say?

开场我就有点懵，评委第一句话又提到了卡蒂的体重。

I'm a little dumbfounded at the start because the very first thing the judges comment on, again, Caty's weight.

他们还夸她减了四公斤，差不多九磅。

They praise her for having lost four kilograms or around nine pounds.

你唱歌时的手势太雷同了。

Your gestures while singing are too similar.

感觉一直重复，没新意。

It feels repetitive.

之前那段有说唱部分，也有演唱部分。

Earlier, there were rap parts and vocal parts.

你唱rap的时候手势，跟唱歌的时候得完全不一样。

The gestures you use when you're rapping should be completely different from those you use when you're singing.

你得好好练练，把这两者区分开来。

I would like you to practice distinguishing these more clearly.

你的舞蹈表现力和眼神交流都特别棒。

Your dance energy and eye contact are excellent.

这应该是Caty的舞蹈老师Suk-Won给的很具体的反馈。

This seems like a concrete note from Caty's dancing teacher, Suk-Won.

但他接着又说——

But then he says

你看起来有点紧张。

You look a little little bit nervous.

Caty说她对这个评价挺意外的，真的。

Caty said she was surprised by the evaluation Yeah.

她说自己完全没察觉到紧张的状态，

That she didn't even know it was happening.

别太实诚了啊。

Don't be honest.

行吧。

K.

其实是这回事——

It's the

其他人也都一样。

same for everyone else.

选秀里的所有安排都来得很突然。

Everything about auditions is sudden.

随时要做好应对突发状况的准备。

Always be prepared for the unexpected.

锡源老师还提到，虽然能看出凯蒂一直在努力表现得自信，但她得真正由内而外地展现出这种底气。

Suk-K-one also says that while he can see Caty trying to project confidence, she needs to really embody it.

我觉得这像是一条挺抽象的评语。

This strikes me as a kind of abstract note.

当自信不是总在的时候，你到底该怎么真正表现出来？

How do you really embody confidence when it's not always there?

他是想让她不管怎样都学会装得像那么回事吗？

Does he just want her to get better at faking it no matter what?

结束了。

Finish.

然后，就完了。

And then, it's over.

卡蒂匆匆离开了录音棚。

Caty hurries out of the studio.

那今天表现怎么样？

So how did it go today?

跟我预想的一模一样。

It definitely went the way I expected it to.

我真没指望能有特别好的结果。

I was not expecting super great results.

他们说的那些，我都觉得挺有道理的。

I think everything that they said, it all, like, makes sense to me.

我就希望我能做得更好一点。

I think I just, like, wish that I could have done better.

首尔古森说了什么让你印象特别深？

What did Seoul Gooseom say that struck you?

总的来说，我今天收到的反馈就是：一切都挺好的，就是我太紧张了，紧张得谁都看得出来。

I think overall, like, the theme of my feedback today was just, everything is really good, but it's just, like, there's a lot of anxiety that's, like, holding me back, and the anxiety is very apparent to everyone that's watching me.

还有件事，一直让我和卡蒂心里不踏实。

There's something else that's playing on Caty's nerves and on my mind.

我特别紧张，因为这是我第一次在评估前称体重。

It made me super nervous because this is the first time I've ever been weighed before at a evaluation.

排在我后面那个女孩，已经两天没吃东西了。

The girl that went right after me, she actually hasn't eaten since two days ago.

这也太惨了。

That's awful.

我当时就想，我早上吃了一大碗面。

I was just like, I had a big bowl of noodles this morning.

表面上看，Caty 对这次评估结果挺淡定的。

On the surface, Caty seems relaxed about how the eval went.

不算差，但也说不上好，根本没给出她未来在K-pop圈前景的明确信号。

Not great, not terrible, but also not providing much in the way of a clear answer about her future in k pop.

但那天晚上，那段语音消息出现了。

Later that night though, that voice note appears.

就是开头你听到的那段。

The one you heard up top of this episode.

我才真正看到了她内心的真实感受。

And I get a glimpse of how she really feels.

我确实完全没料到会这样。

I was definitely very, very caught off guard.

我根本就没心理准备，这事突然就来了。

I just, like, was not mentally prepared at all to have it, like, sprung up so suddenly.

我最怕的就是被人觉得我不认真、不够努力。

My biggest fear is to become, like, viewed as someone that isn't serious or, like, isn't trying that hard.

说到底，其实还是因为我太在意别人怎么看我了。

Like and I guess, like, this goes back to the whole thing about, like, me caring a lot about, like, what other people think about me.

这真的让我特别焦虑。

I think that stresses me out a lot.

我总觉得时间永远不够用。

It always feels like I don't have enough time.

今天这事简直把我打蒙了。

And, like, today just, like, really really threw me for a loop.

所以我也说不准。

So I don't know.

我现在真的有点崩溃。

I'm having a crisis.

我一直在想，Caty的梦想给她带来了多少痛苦。

I keep thinking about how much suffering Caty's dream brings.

韩语里有个词，直译过来叫‘希望酷刑’。

There's this idea in Korean called, which literally means hope torture.

在整个Caty的旅程中，我一直在琢磨这个概念。

And it's something that I've thought about throughout Caty's journey.

希望酷刑就是地平线上那个虚幻的光，让你一直往前走，一直抱着希望。

Hope torture is that illusion on the horizon that makes you keep going, keep hoping.

哪怕你根本达不到目标，希望却推着你，也折磨着你。

Even though you may never reach your goal, the hope fuels you and tortures you.

就在Caty陷入危机、离飞回洛杉矶只剩几天的时候，她收到了YGX的评估结果。

In the midst of Caty's crisis, with only days to go before she flies home to LA, she gets back the results of her YGX evaluations.

YGX是Caty一直在上课的另一家培训机构。

YGX is the other academy where Caty has been taking classes.

还记得上一集吗？如果她在YGX的评估里表现够好，就能升到更高阶的试镜班。

Remember from the last episode, if she does well enough in the YGX evals, she'd be promoted to a higher audition class.

这正是Caty迫切需要的绿灯，是她该继续走K-pop这条路的信号。

And this would be a green light Caty desperately needs, a sign that she should continue with K pop.

我本来可以慢慢在YGX往上爬，跟公司里的人、 academy 的老师多建立点私人关系，这样以后进Black Label的机会还能大一点。

I could kind of work my way up through the ranks at YGX, maybe get to develop some more personal relations with the people in that company, the people at that academy, then I could have a better chance of entering black label still.

转眼就到了十二月的最后几天。

So cut to one of the last days of December.

Caty正坐在一辆疯跑的韩国巴士上。

Caty was on a manic Korean bus ride.

简直像《速度与激情》一样。

It's like Fast and Furious.

首尔的司机一点耐心都没有。

The bus drivers in Seoul have just no patience.

Caty赶着去练习，巴士颠得她脖子都快断了，心里又突然被一记情感重击打中。

Caty was on the way to practice, getting literal whiplash on the bus when emotional whiplash hit.

就在那时，她收到了YGX的评价结果。

That's when she found out the YGX results.

我当时正坐在公交车上呢。

I was actually just, like, sitting on the bus.

戴着耳机听歌，悠闲地发着呆。

Was, like, listening to music and just, like, chilling.

结果朋友在群里给我发消息，说：天啊！

But then my friend texted in our group chat, and she was, oh my gosh.

一个都没通过。

No one made it.

我这才赶紧去看了Instagram。

And then that prompted me to check the Instagram.

YGX刚发了动态，说很遗憾，17到24岁这个年龄段没人晋级。

YGX had posted the story, like, unfortunately, no one from the 17 to 24 age group has been promoted.

Caty也没能晋级。

That included Caty.

她没升到更高的班级。

She hadn't made it to a higher class.

但这次，她不肯就这么接受这个结果。

But this time, she refused to take no for an answer.

所以她约了YGX的一位老师，打算过

So she organized a meeting with a YGX teacher a couple

几天碰面聊聊。

of days later.

见面那天晚上遇上暴风雨了，雨下得特别大。

It was a stormy night that night, like it was raining quite hard actually.

那练习室里全是雾蒙蒙的热气，但外面特别冷。

It was like the rooms are all steamy, but like it was like super cold outside.

她坐在老师对面问老师：‘这是怎么回事？’

She sat across from the teacher and asked her, what's up?

‘我为什么没升班啊？’

Why didn't I get promoted?

结果老师反问了她一个问题。

But the teacher answered with another question.

Caty，你是想当偶像，还是想当音乐人？

Caty, do you want to be an idol or an artist?

这问题还真把我问住了，因为在我看来，偶像本来就是一种音乐人啊。

It caught me kind of off guard because to me, like, idol was always a type of artist.

她这么一问，我反而懵了，心想：你这话到底啥意思？

You know, when she asked me that, I was just like, oh, like, I'm not really sure what you mean by that.

她说，偶像就是那种靠人气带货的，音乐反而是副业。

She was just like, so like idols are influencers who sell music on the side.

就是大家对你着了迷，疯狂追捧你。

It's like, people are just obsessed with you.

你随便发点啥、卖点啥、说点啥，人家都买账，就因为你这个人。

And so like, whatever you put out, whatever you sell, whatever you think, like people will just buy it because it came from you.

不是因为东西本身有多好。

Like, not because of the actual thing itself.

她说，如果你想当音乐人，那就得真刀真枪地把本事练到极致。

She was just like, if you wanna be an artist, then you have to get like really, really good at your craft.

你得拼命练，练到顶尖水平才行。

Like, you have to train to be, like, one of the best.

但如果你想当偶像，哪怕是个 solo 偶像，说实话，现在就看脸和年龄了。

But if you wanted to be an idol, like, even a solo idol, she was just like, honestly speaking, like, these days, it's just about looks and age.

所以她能给我的唯一建议就是：拼了命地节食。

And so all she can really advise me to do is just, like, diet as hard as I can.

老师说，如果 Caty 还想当偶像，她确实有潜力。

The teacher said if Caty still wants to become an idol, she does have potential.

但都 23 岁了，要是想被韩国娱乐公司选中，她得马上准备好出道。

But at 23, Caty needs to be debut ready if she wants to get cast by a K pop company.

咨询完之后，我其实还挺受鼓舞的，虽然我没达成原本的目标——比如通过 Black Label 的试镜，或者在 YGX 项目里更进一步，但感觉大家并没有不看好我。

After the consultation, I was actually feeling like a little bit motivated because even though I didn't kind of achieve the goals that I had, which were to, like, pass the Black Label audition or, like, go up to the next level in the YGX audition program, it didn't feel like people didn't believe in me.

他们是不觉得她没戏吗？

They didn't not believe in her?

看来 Caty 自己说话老爱绕弯子，净用双重否定来怀疑自己。

It seems like Caty is twisting herself in double negatives of self belief.

到目前为止，还没人跟Caty说过她的梦想不现实。

Because so far, no one has told Caty that her dream is impossible.

但我心里有个 cynical 的声音觉得，这一切其实都是生意。

And a cynical part of me thinks all of this is good for business.

梦想的生意。

The dream business.

Caty完全敞开着，随时可能被任何能点燃甚至利用她希望的东西抓住。

And Caty's perfectly exposed, vulnerable to anything that may fuel and even exploit her hope.

Caty在首尔这段旅程快结束时，我在CAS认识的那些熟面孔，比如April，都已经回去了。

By the end of Caty's journey in Seoul, many of the familiar faces I'd gotten to know at CAS, like April, had gone home.

她一次 audition 都没过。

She never passed an audition.

我倒是看到有几个人被经纪公司签成了练习生，但其他人就没那么幸运了。

I did see a couple of students who got signed as trainees by an entertainment company, But the others weren't as lucky.

还有些人想再回来，继续在首尔碰运气，比如想当K-pop舞者的Mona和Akaisha。

Then there are others who want to return to keep trying their luck in Seoul, like wannabe K pop dancers, Mona and Akaisha.

我真记不清学生来来去去到底换了多少批了。

I honestly couldn't keep track of the constant rotation of all the students.

我觉得那些老师和CEO也一样头疼。

I think the cast teachers and the CEO would struggle as well.

每个人在K-pop这片大海里，都像一滴水，周围全是陌生面孔。

Everyone feels like a drop in the K pop ocean, a sea of endless faces.

那Caty还该继续吗？

So should Caty continue?

她该放弃了吗？

Should she give up?

这么来回折腾，我们也没时间再纠结利弊了。

After all this toing and froing, we run out of time to keep weighing the pros and cons.

她得去赶飞机了。

She's got a flight to

赶飞机。

catch.

我

I

真不敢相信，这竟是我在这儿做报道的最后一周了。

can't believe this is like my last week of reporting here.

我也不确定。

I don't know.

在这儿的时间过得也太快了吧。

The time like here went by super, super fast.

十二月底，我在CAST的一楼跟Caty道别，最后一次闻到大堂里那股标志性的香包味儿。

In late December, I say goodbye to Caty on the 1st Floor of CAST, smelling the lobby's signature potpourri stank for the last time.

下次见你，咱们就在洛杉矶了。

Next time I see you, we'll be in LA.

哦，对啊。

Oh, yeah.

哦，你明天就要走了。

Oh, you're leaving tomorrow.

是的

Yeah.

对

Yeah.

我们希望你

And we'll hope you

一路平安啊，Caty，我和她走出CAST大楼，来到小巷里。

have a safe trip back Caty and I step outside the Cast Building into the alleyway.

哇，真美啊。

Oh, it's so pretty.

下雪了。

It's snowing.

我想知道。

I wanna know.

我刚才说，今天

I was saying, like, today

这还是我第一次见到这种情况

is the first day that I've seen it

雪能这么下个不停，连飘一整天。

snow, so, like, continuously fall like this.

哎，我突然有点伤感了。

Oh, this kind of makes me sad.

一下雪就感觉……嗯，一切都要收尾了。

Like, snowing makes it feel like, okay, this is ending.

对

Yeah.

你懂我的意思吧？

You know what I mean?

没错

Yeah.

行吧

Alright.

再见，Caty。

Bye, Caty.

好。

Okay.

Caty拖着步子走远了，双臂紧紧抱着自己。

Caty trudges off, arms wrapped around herself.

雪花在她周围旋舞，头发在风中飘扬。

Snowflakes twirling around her as her hair billows in the wind.

有几个学生正走进K-pop艺术学校。

A few students are entering K pop art school.

有的我认识，有的是新面孔。

Some I recognize, some are new.

街道被他们满满的希望照亮，还有7-Eleven招牌闪烁的橙绿光芒。

The street seems illuminated with the glow of their optimism and the flickering orange and green of a seven eleven sign.

还没反应过来，Caty就消失在首尔的街巷里了。

Before I know it, Caty disappears into the streets of Seoul.

今天是1月7号，我站在凯蒂家门前，在洛杉矶。

Today's January 7 and I am standing in front of Caty's home in LA.

圣盖博谷这天阳光明媚，属于洛杉矶县。

It's a sunny day in San Gabriel Valley, LA County.

我穿着件T恤，早就感觉跟首尔那刺骨的冬天隔了十万八千里。

I'm wearing a t shirt, already feeling light years away from the raging winter in Seoul.

上回我来这儿还是九月，第一次见凯蒂。

The last time I was here was in September and I was meeting Caty for the very first time.

那时候她正准备启程去首尔。

And she was getting ready to go to Seoul.

她参加了好多试镜，见了无数人，每个人都对她的长相、潜力、本事说三道四，现在感觉一切都走到头了。

She's gone through all these different auditions, met all these different people who told her different things about her appearance and her potential and her skills and this feels like the end of the road.

我也不太确定她接下来要干嘛，但咱们走着瞧吧。

I'm not really sure what she's gonna do next, but we'll see.

说着说着，我往旁边一闪，躲开一辆开过来的车。

Mid ramble, I step aside to avoid an oncoming car.

有车过来了。

There's a car coming.

哦，Caty来了。

Oh, there's Caty.

嗨。

Hey.

好吧。

Okay.

Caty正开着一辆特斯拉驶进车道。

Caty's actually driving into the driveway with a Tesla.

不好意思。

Sorry.

我没想到

I didn't know

你们会来得这么早。

you guys would be here so early.

我直接钻进Caty的车后座。

I jump in the back of Caty's car.

我们要去的是Stonefire Grill，就在Katie家附近的一家餐厅。

Our destination is Stonefire Grill, a restaurant near Katie's home.

这地方特像美国到处都能见到的那种连锁家庭餐厅，菜量大得离谱。

It feels like one of those chain family restaurants you see everywhere in The States, with ridiculously huge portions of food.

我们在那儿见到了Cat Jung，23岁，来自湾区。

There we meet Cat Jung, a 23 year old from the Bay Area.

我们得弄个Tivo盒子。

We will get a Tivo box.

还有Louis Sang，也是23岁，来自坦普尔市。

And Louis Sang, also 23 from Temple City.

你和你的打包盒啊。

You and your to go boxes.

你和你从来不吃剩菜这事儿。

You and your lack of eating leftovers.

这真的太

It's so

让我无法理解了。

baffling to me.

剩菜多好吃啊。

Leftovers are so good.

凯蒂、卡特还有路易斯都在洛杉矶的这家韩流培训中心学习过，他们都有着成为偶像的梦想。

Caty, Cat, and Louis have all trained at the K Pop Center here in LA and share dreams of becoming idols.

对啊。

Mhmm.

路易斯和凯特比谁都清楚凯蒂心里的纠结。

Lewis and Cat know better than anyone else, Katie's inner turmoil.

我们坐在户外露台上等餐，听着洛杉矶远处传来的车流声，这三个朋友聊起了他们都快过了试镜的黄金年龄这件事。

As we wait for our food at an outdoor patio, listening to the distant sounds of LA traffic, the three friends discuss how they're all aging out of the auditions.

时不时我就会陷入情绪崩溃的状态。

Every now and then, I'm always like spiraling.

每隔几周，我就想

Every couple weeks, I'm like,

这值得吗？

is this worth it?

我是不是

Like, am

在浪费时间？

I wasting my time?

但另一方面，我觉得这其实也算是一种福气，毕竟我们找到了这么热爱的事，愿意拿一生去投入。

But then at the same time, I feel like it's like kind of almost a blessing too that we kind of have found something that we like so much that we would want to dedicate our life to it.

我好多朋友都卡住了。

Because a lot of my friends, they're like really like stuck.

他们说：我也不太清楚。

They're like, I don't really know.

没什么真让我感兴趣的。

There's not really that much that interests me.

我真不知道自己这辈子想干点啥。

I don't really know what I wanna do with my life.

所以某种程度上，确实挺糟的，但能有个想拼命实现的目标，也挺好的，对吧。

So in some way, yes, it kinda sucks, but yes, it's also kinda nice to, like, have a goal to work towards Yeah.

哪怕我们也不知道这事儿到底能不能成。

Even though we don't know if it might happen or not.

说到底，咱们谁都清楚现实咋样、自己能耐多大，但这不代表就不能做梦。

At the end of the day, I feel like all of us know what reality is in front of us and where our abilities lie, but that doesn't mean we can't have these dreams.

我觉得吧，你要是真让我放飞一下，谁知道呢。

I think if you just kind of let me be, never know.

说不定我真能做成呢。

Like, I might be able to do it.

这一通聊下来，我想起一首特别想让你们听的歌。

This whole discussion makes me think of a song that I really want them to hear.

你们听过Chaolim这个乐队吗？

Do you guys know the band Chaolim?

他们都摇摇头。

They shake their heads.

没人听过。

None of them do.

他们是韩国有名的摇滚乐队之一，但有首歌叫《Idol》，每当我想到这个话题，我都会想起这首歌。

They're one of the most popular Korean rock bands, but they have this song called Idol, which is like one of my favorite songs when I think about this topic.

我给你们放一下吧？

Can I show it to you guys?

好啊。

Mhmm.

当然可以。

Yeah.

没问题。

Of course.

凯蒂、卡特和刘易斯围在一起看手机，我们都看了这首歌的MV。

Katie, Cat, and Lewis huddle around a cell phone and we all watch the music video for the song.