作者朗读：你是否曾对妻子隐瞒过一个秘密？

这部开创性的系列剧曾风靡全球，当我触碰那些石头时，这并非一个选择。

The groundbreaking series that captivated the world When I touched those stones, it wasn't a choice.

它迎来了史诗般的结局。

Comes to its epic conclusion.

这简直是个不小的奇迹。

It's no small miracle.

我们找到了彼此。

We found each other.

《外乡人》最终季。

The final season of Outlander.

立即在Starz平台观看。

Watch now only on Starz.

爱就是爱。

Love is love.

来自《纽约时报》，我是安娜·马丁。

From The New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.

这是《现代爱情》。

This is Modern Love.

今天，我们带来哈立德·阿卜杜勒·卡迪尔的完整现代爱情散文。

And today, the full modern love essay by Khalid Abdul Qadir.

这是一个关于男人向妻子隐瞒重大秘密的故事——这些秘密可能改变他们的关系和他的生活，而当他决定向妻子坦白真相时，发生了什么。

It's a story about a man who's keeping secrets from his wife, big secrets that could change their relationship and his life, and what happens when he decides to tell his wife the truth.

以下是哈立德·阿卜杜勒·卡迪尔朗读他的散文《拯救我婚姻的测谎仪测试》。

Here's Khalid Abdul Qadir reading his essay, The Polygraph Test That Saved My Marriage.

你有没有对妻子隐瞒过什么秘密？

Have you ever kept a secret from your wife?

去问问测谎仪专家吧。

Ask the polygraph examiner.

近二十年来，我一直精心塑造自己，成为美国顶尖政府情报机构的理想候选人。

For nearly two decades, I've been grooming myself to be the perfect candidate for one of the premier US government intelligence agencies.

这些机构要求绝对的忠诚，这意味着你应该为他们保守秘密，而不是对他们隐瞒秘密。

These institutions require absolute loyalty, which means you're supposed to keep secrets for them, not from them.

我回答说：是的，我有。

I replied, yes, I have.

我坐得笔直，棕色的手指紧握着椅子的塑料扶手。

I was seated upright, brown knuckling the plastic arms of the chair.

一条黑色的电线紧紧地缠绕在我的胸前。

A black wire had been placed snugly across my chest.

另一个装置被连接在我的指尖上。

Another contraption was attached to my fingertips.

我的心跳得如此剧烈，几乎盖过了所有声音。

My heart thumped so loudly that it nearly drowned out all sound.

我感觉到一滴汗水从腋下沿着侧身滑下，渗入衬衫里。

I felt a bead of sweat roll from my armpit down my side underneath my shirt.

我正在经历坦白真相的过程。

I was experiencing the telling of truth.

尽管我全身的每一根神经都在拼命隐瞒秘密，但我知道我必须诚实，如实回答他的问题。

While every fiber of my being strained to keep my secrets, I knew I had to be honest and just answer his question.

我支支吾吾地解释说，我没有告诉妻子关于我家复杂的历史。

Fumbling through my response, I explained how I had not told my wife about my family's complicated past.

我父亲的关联使他被调查是否与9月11日的恐怖袭击有关。

My father's associations had led him to be investigated for potential connection to the terrorist attacks of September eleventh.

作为他的儿子，我后来被列入了恐怖嫌疑人名单。

And I as his son was later placed on a terrorist suspect list.

我父亲从未因与恐怖主义相关的活动被正式起诉，但污名一直存在。

My father was never formally charged for terrorism related activities, but the stigma remained.

事实上，我参军并投身情报部门的主要原因之一，就是试图通过建立长期忠诚记录、为国家服务来洗清我们身上的污名。

In fact, one of the main reasons I joined the military and pursued work in the intelligence community was to try and cleanse us of all that by creating a long record of loyalty and serving my country.

我确实建立了这样的记录，对此我感到自豪。

I did create that record and I'm proud of it.

我在海军服役期间曾接受过情报官员的审问。

I had been interrogated by intelligence officers when I was in the Navy.

那时，我满身是汗、泪流满面，但我清白无辜，我自己知道。

Back then, I sweated and cried, but I was innocent and I knew it.

这次不一样。

This was different.

我确实隐瞒了妻子一些事情，不仅关于我自己，还包括我家庭的过去。

I was guilty of having hidden things from my wife and not only about me, but about my family's past.

我们婚姻中早已疏远，这种疏离源于彼此缺乏坦诚。

She and I had long been distant in our marriage, a distance that came from a lack of self disclosure.

我驻扎在日本时认识了她。

We met in Japan when I was stationed there.

起初，我有充分的理由对个人生活保持沉默和谨慎。

Early on, I had good reason to be quiet and cagey about my personal life.

对新约会的对象说你曾被列入恐怖分子嫌疑名单，或者你父亲被指控与恐怖主义有关，这显然不是什么吸引人的开场白。

It's not exactly an appealing come on to tell a new date that you were placed on a terrorist suspect list or that your father was accused of terrorist ties.

一旦你习惯了隐藏过去，就会不自觉地以各种方式继续隐瞒。

And once you're accustomed to hiding your past, you tend to keep hiding in all kinds of ways.

我在接受测谎前做了研究，了解到他们想知道我们如何对待对亲人隐瞒的秘密，是为了理解我们如何处理与机构之间的秘密。

I had done my research before the polygraph and learned that the reason they wanna know how we deal with secrets we may be keeping from loved ones is to understand how we would behave with secrets between ourselves and the agency.

我们能保护美国的国家安全吗？

Could we protect US national security?

我们会容易受到勒索或胁迫吗？

Would we be susceptible to blackmail or coercion?

测试员问我：你为什么一直对妻子隐瞒这件事？

The examiner asked me, why have you kept this from your wife?

我告诉他：我怕她不会再像以前那样爱我。

I told him, I was afraid she wouldn't love me in the same way.

那也是实话。

That too was the truth.

我一直害怕别人知道真实的我会如何反应。

I have always been terrified of how people might respond to my true self.

因此，我一生中的大部分时间都在努力呈现一个我认为别人希望看到的自己。

That is why for most of my life, I have tried to offer a version of myself that I believe others wanted to see.

当我还在俄克拉荷马州长大时，我会想：我是黑人，丑陋，矮小，而且有个伊斯兰名字。

When I was growing up in Oklahoma, I would think, I'm black, ugly, short, and I have an Islamic name.

怎么可能有人觉得我有吸引力呢？

How could anyone find me attractive?

持有这样的态度可能会变成一种自我实现的预言。

Having such an attitude could become a self fulfilling prophecy.

结果，真正让我摆脱自卑感的，是我努力挣脱加诸于我家庭的耻辱。

As it turned out, what ultimately delivered me from my inferiority complex was my struggle to break free from the shame placed on my family.

审查员问我：你是否曾经加入过任何旨在推翻美国政府的组织？

The examiner asked me, have you ever been part of an organization with the purpose of overthrowing the US government?

没有，我说。

No, I said.

你还有什么没告诉我的？

What is it you're not telling me?

他问。

He asked.

我本可以从我的借口开始。

I could have started with my excuses.

三岁时失去母亲，让我渴望得到女性的呵护与关爱，而这最终成了一种特殊的弱点。

How losing my mother at age three made me seek the nurturing affection of a woman and how that became a particular kind of weakness.

但不，那样做有什么意义呢？

But no, what would be the point of that?

我只是必须说出来。

I just had to say it.

我有过婚外情。

I had an extramarital affair.

这从来不是我告诉过任何人的事。

This was not something I had told anyone.

在正常情况下，我认为这种坦白会毁掉一段婚姻或这份工作。

Under normal circumstances, I believe this admission would be a deal breaker for marriage or this job.

这表明了一个人不可信，品行低下，很可能不适合这份工作或任何组织。

It indicates the untrustworthiness and overall lack of character of someone who was likely unfit for a job or a union.

但就这份工作而言，坦白或许对我有利，因为我 presumably 会更少受到胁迫或勒索。

When it came to the job though, coming clean could work in my favor as I presumably would be less vulnerable to coercion or blackmail.

然而，我的坦白对我的婚姻意味着什么，却远不那么确定。

What my admission would mean for my marriage, however, was decidedly less

确定。

certain.

我们马上回来。

We'll be right back.

我是AG·索勒斯伯格。

This is AG Solesberger.

我是《纽约时报》的出版人。

I'm the publisher of The New York Times.

我负责我们的新闻业务和商业运营。

I oversee our news operations and our business.

但我也曾是一名记者，近年来眼看着我们这个行业不断萎缩，感到十分担忧。

But I'm also a former reporter who has watched with a lot of alarm as our profession has shrunk and shrunk in recent years.

通常情况下，在这些广告中，我们会谈论订阅《纽约时报》的重要性。

Normally, in these ads, we talk about the importance of subscribing to The Times.

我今天要传达一个不同的信息。

I'm here today with a different message.

我鼓励你们支持任何致力于原创报道的新闻机构。

I'm encouraging you to support any news organization that's dedicated to original reporting.

如果是你们当地的报纸，那就太好了。

If that's your local newspaper, terrific.

特别是地方报纸，非常需要你们的支持。

Local newspapers in particular need your support.

如果是其他全国性报纸，那也很好。

If that's another national newspaper, that's great too.

如果选择《纽约时报》，我们会用这笔钱派遣记者去发掘事实和背景信息，而这些是你们从人工智能那里永远得不到的。

And if it's The New York Times, we'll use that money to send reporters out to find the facts and context that you'll never get from AI.

就这样。

That's it.

并不是要你们点击任何链接。

Not asking you to click on any link.

只需订阅一家拥有真实记者进行第一手事实报道的正规新闻机构。

Just subscribe to a real news organization with real journalists doing firsthand fact based reporting.

如果你已经这样做了，谢谢。

And if you already do, thank you.

我必须说，如果不是因为这个最高机密安全审查流程，我可能永远不会告诉妻子或其他任何人我背叛了她。

I have to say that had it not been for this top secret security clearance process, I probably never would have told my wife or anyone else that I cheated on her.

在为自己的行为承担全部责任时，我并不是希望逃避羞耻或批评。

And in taking full responsibility for my actions, I wasn't hoping to absolve myself from shaming or criticism.

我是一个行为不当的人，但现在我正视自己的背叛与失败。

I am a man who behaved badly, but now takes ownership of his betrayals and failures.

就是这样简单。

It's that simple.

于是，真正的审查流程开始了，这其实是申请进入婚姻局的通行证。

And so began the real clearance process, which was seeking passage into the Bureau of Marriage.

他不错，”审查员说，并向另一位特工竖起了大拇指。

He's good, the examiner said, giving a thumbs up to another agent.

我对自己通过了测谎测试感到惊讶，但后来我意识到，当然会通过，因为我讲的是实话。

I was surprised that I passed the polygraph test, but later I realized, of course I did, because I told the truth.

奇怪的是，这并不意味着我最初就获得了安全许可。

Oddly enough, this didn't mean I was initially granted a security clearance.

也许我的家庭背景起到了一定作用，但对我来说这并不重要。

Perhaps my family history played a part, but it didn't matter to me.

人们因为各种各样的原因被拒绝授予安全许可。

People are denied security clearances for all kinds of reasons.

对我来说，最大的收获和教训是，我没有因为测谎测试而被拒绝授予许可。

For me, the biggest win and lesson was that I wasn't denied clearance because of my polygraph test.

我讲了实话，而且并没有因此受到伤害。

I had told the truth and not been hurt by it.

我相信，我对妻子也该有同样的坦诚，于是我用同样的方式对待她。

I believe that I owed my wife that same honesty and I took the same approach with her.

一天晚上吃完晚饭后，我把安全许可审查的文件交给了她。

After dinner one night, I handed her the file from my security clearance process.

那是一叠文件，详细记录了我生活的方方面面，包括我在测谎测试中讨论过的所有内容。

It was a stack of papers detailing every aspect of my life, including everything I discussed during the polygraph examination.

她读了每一页。

She read every page.

当她快读到结尾时，我已经喝了好几杯威士忌。

As she approached the end, I was already a few glasses into a bottle of whiskey.

我不断把酒瓶往她那边推，隔着桌子示意她如果需要喝一口来缓和情绪，随时可以拿。

I kept pushing the bottle closer to her from across the table in case she wanted to have a glass to take the edge off.

然而，她的眼中涌出了泪水。

Instead, tears welled in her eyes.

她说：我需要一点时间来消化这些。

She said, I need time for this.

她站起身，擦着眼泪，而我正要从椅子上滑下来跪在地上。

She rose from her seat, wiping her eyes just as I was sliding off my chair to my knees.

她根本没理会我。

She paid me no mind.

她直接走进卧室，关上了门。

She just walked into the bedroom and shut the door.

大多数人会问的问题是：你为什么会有婚外情？

The question most have asked is, why did you have an affair?

当时，我和妻子已经分居，但我们并没有同意彼此可以与其他人交往。

At the time, my wife and I had been separated, but we hadn't agreed to see other people.

分居的初衷是为了给我们一些空间，好好思考我们的关系。

The whole point of the separation was to give us the distance to consider our relationship.

并不是为了可以和别人上床。

It wasn't the freedom to sleep with someone else.

然而，我很快便与另一位女性发展了浪漫关系。

Nevertheless, I soon became romantically involved with another woman.

当我和妻子开始修复关系时，我结束了与那位女性的关系。

When my wife and I started to work things out, I ended things with the other woman.

我妻子读完我的档案后，日子变得虚幻而缓慢地流逝。

After my wife read my file, the days felt surreal and passed slowly.

有一段时间，我们什么都没说。

For a while, we didn't say anything.

但有一天，我们又开始聊起一些小事。

But one day, we began talking again about small things.

她该买点黄瓜做沙拉吗？

Should she pick up cucumbers for salad?

还是我更喜欢烤西葫芦薯片？

Or would I prefer baked zucchini pizza chips?

我选了西葫芦薯片。

I voted for zucchini chips.

我们小心翼翼地开始重新走近彼此。

Tentatively, we started to find our way back to each other.

几周后，我妻子递给我一份她自己的文件。

Then a few weeks later, my wife handed me a file of her own.

那是她打出来的几页纸，记录了她的生活。

It was several pages she had typed up about her life.

我妻子来自冲绳，那里大部分岛屿都被美军基地占据。

My wife is from Okinawa, where much of the island is occupied by US military bases.

她曾与美军士兵调情。

She flirted with US military men.

她第一次性经历是和一名海军陆战队员发生的。

She had her first sexual experience with the marine.

她还告诉我，在我们结婚的那一年，我外出期间，她曾与另一名军人有过亲密关系。

She also told me the same year we were married, she'd had an intimate relationship with another serviceman while I was away.

尽管我们那时还未结婚，但她写道，她认为我的出轨是对她所做之事且未向我坦白的因果报应。

Although we weren't yet married, she wrote that she believed my cheating was a karmic payback for her doing what she had done and not telling me about it.

从那以后，我们彼此之间的坦诚越来越多。

From there, more honesty flowed from each of us.

因此，我们越来越亲近。

As a result, we grew closer and closer.

我们对彼此过去的过失更加包容，而非像我原本预期的那样更加疏远。

We were more accepting of each other's past failings, not less, contrary to what I expected.

我们彼此的坦诚，最初是由一场完全无关的测谎仪测试所引发的，它并没有终结我们的婚姻，反而挽救了它。

Our mutual truth telling, which had been spurred by a completely unrelated polygraph test was not ending our marriage, but saving it.

当然，当她把那份文件递给我时，我对此一无所知。

Of course, I didn't know any of that when she handed me her file.

我感到困惑，只是问：这是什么？

Feeling mystified, I simply asked, what's this?

我的秘密，她说。

My secrets, she said.

如果你想听我对哈利德的采访，可以收听名为《你有没有向妻子隐瞒过秘密？》的那期节目。

If you wanna hear my interview with Khalid, check out the episode called have you ever kept a secret from your wife?

你可以在《现代爱情》播客的节目列表中找到它。

You can find it in the Modern Love podcast feed.

这是我们本季的第一期节目，每周三都会在《现代爱情》播客中更新全新的故事。

This is our first episode of the season, full of brand new stories on the Modern Love podcast feed every Wednesday.

《现代爱情》由朱莉娅·博特罗、克里斯蒂娜·何塞、汉斯·布托和克丽丝特尔·杜哈梅尔制作。

Modern Love is produced by Julia Bottero, Christina Jose, Hans Buteau, and Crystal Duhamel.

本节目由我们的执行制片人詹·波兰特剪辑，拉丽莎·安德森协助。

It's edited by our executive producer, Jen Poillant, with help from Larissa Anderson.

本集由科里·施雷普尔混音。

This episode was mixed by Corey Schrepple.

我们的节目由马迪·马西洛录制。

Our show was recorded by Maddie Masiello.

特别感谢娜奥米·夏普和苏珊·李进行事实核查。

Special thanks to Naomi Sharp and Susan Lee for fact checking.

《现代爱情》主题曲由丹·鲍威尔创作。

The modern left theme music is by Dan Powell.

原创音乐由卡罗尔·萨巴罗、马里昂·洛萨诺和丹·鲍威尔创作。

Original music by Carol Sabarow, Marion Lozano, and Dan Powell.

数字制作由马希玛·丘布兰尼和埃尔·加洛克利完成。

Digital production by Mahima Chublany and El Galocli.

《现代爱情》专栏由丹尼尔·琼斯编辑。

The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones.

米娅·李是《现代爱情》项目的编辑。

Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects.

我是安娜·马丁。

I'm Anna Martin.

感谢收听。

Thanks for listening.