阅读文章：我不得不停止追问为什么

我一直在读弗兰克的书。

I've been reading Frank's book.

他说战争即将来临，詹姆斯·弗雷泽会在战争中死去。

He says war is coming and that James Fraser dies in it.

这部开创性的系列作品曾风靡全球

The groundbreaking series that captivated the world

当我触摸那些石头时，这并非一个选择。

When I touched those stones, it wasn't a choice.

迎来了它的史诗性结局。

Comes to its epic conclusion.

我注定要在这里。

I am meant to be here.

没有任何事情能让你为它的结局做好准备。

Nothing can prepare you for how it ends.

我坚信不疑

I have faith

永远在我们心中。

in us always.

《外乡人》最终季将于3月6日首播。

The final season of Outlander premieres March 6.

我们能相遇，简直是个不小的奇迹。

It's no small miracle that we found each other.

仅在Stars播出。

Only on stars.

在节目开始前，我们提醒一下，本期内容涉及自杀话题。

Before we start the show, a brief note that today's episode deals with suicide.

如果你或你认识的人有自杀念头，请拨打全国自杀预防热线：1802738255。

If you or someone you know are having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1802738255.

电话号码是180273 talk。

That's 180273 talk.

现在去爱，去打电话。

Love now and your phone.

爱。

Love.

比任何东西都更强大。

Stronger than anything.

感受这份爱。

Feel the love.

爱。

Love.

我比任何事物都更爱你。

And I love you more than anything.

爱。

Love.

你依然是爱。

You're still love.

爱。

Love.

来自《纽约时报》，我是安娜·马丁。

From The New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.

这是《现代爱情》。

This is Modern Love.

今天，我们将发布两期关于作家萨曼莎·约瑟夫的现代爱情文章《我不得不停止追问为什么》的节目。

And today, we're dropping two episodes with the author Samantha Joseph about her modern love essay, I had to stop asking why.

在本期节目中，您将听到萨曼莎朗读她的完整现代爱情文章。

In this episode, you'll hear Samantha read her full modern love essay.

而在本季最后一期节目中，我将与萨曼莎对话，聊聊她的故事，以及演员大卫·施瓦默如何以一种她多年来梦寐以求的方式帮助了她。

And then for the last episode of our season, I have a conversation with Samantha about her story and about how the actor David Schwimmer helped her in a way she'd literally dreamt about for years.

您可以在我们播客的下一集找到这次访谈。

You can find that interview episode up next in our feed.

现在，请听萨曼莎朗读她的文章。

Now here's Samantha reading her essay.

多年来，我一直在脑海中与大卫·施瓦默进行一场对话。

For years, I have been having a conversation in my head with David Schwimmer.

这都因为我姑姑盖尔。

It's because of my aunt Gail.

她在上世纪九十年代担任NBC喜剧部门经理，参与制作了《老友记》《威尔与格蕾丝》和《布洛森》等节目。

She was a comedy division manager at NBC in the nineteen nineties, and she worked on shows like Friends and Will and Grace and Blossom.

她在1999年11月，39岁时自杀身亡。

She died by suicide at 39 in November 1999.

她去世后，《老友记》有一集专门献给了她。

And after her death, an episode of Friends was dedicated to her.

怎么了？

What's up?

这一集叫《罗斯的牙齿》。

The episode is called The One with Ross's Teeth.

你的牙齿怎么了？

What happened to your teeth?

我做了牙齿美白。

I whitened them.

罗斯过度美白了牙齿，结果和一个拥有黑光灯的女人约会。

Ross over whitens his teeth and ends up on a date with a woman who has a blacklight.

我们刚才说到哪儿了？

So where were we?

当灯光熄灭，黑光灯亮起时，他的牙齿几乎照亮了整个房间。

When the lights go out and the blacklight comes on, his teeth practically illuminate the room.

你怎么了？

What's the matter with you?

我怎么了？

What's the matter with me?

你有黑光灯。

You've got a blacklight.

那是1999年。

It's 1999.

我一直觉得，这一定会让姑姑盖尔笑出声。

I always thought it would have made Aunt Gail laugh.

因为她去世时互联网还未成为我们日常生活的一部分，所以这个纪念页面是搜索她名字时最先出现的内容之一。

And because she died before the Internet was part of our daily lives, this dedication is one of the first things that comes up when you search for her name.

她曾与许多名人合作，但她的朋友们告诉我，她对大卫·施维默有着特别的偏爱。

She worked with many celebrities, but her friends told me she had a special affinity for David Schwimmer.

她甚至给一只猫取名叫鲁珀特，因为据说这只猫入住酒店时会自称这个名字。

She even named one of her cats Rupert because apparently, he would give that as his name when he checked into hotels.

大约五年前，我得知大卫·施维默将出席一场我能够说服老板派我去参加的会议。

About five years ago, I found out that David Schwimmer was gonna be speaking at a conference I could plausibly convince my boss to send me to.

我心想，这会不会终于让我有机会在现实中和他进行一次对话？

I wondered if this might finally be my chance to have that conversation in real life.

我没有多加思考，就报名参加了会议，并从波士顿订好了飞往纽约的机票。

Without giving it enough thought, I registered for the conference and booked my flight from Boston to New York.

几周后，当我真的身在纽约时，恐慌突然袭来。

Several weeks later, when I was actually in New York, the panic set in.

在我心里，大卫·施维默总是能说出恰到好处的话。

In my head, David Schwimmer always said exactly the right thing.

如果现实中的对话与他的形象不符怎么办？

What if a real life conversation with him didn't measure up?

值得冒这个险吗？

Was it worth the risk?

这关系重大。

There was a lot at stake.

小时候在宾夕法尼亚东部长大时，我觉得我姑姑是我认识的最酷的大人。

As a child growing up in Eastern Pennsylvania, I considered my aunt to be the coolest adult I knew.

当我们去好莱坞探望她时，我们一起做的每件事都比我的童年其他经历更明亮、更有趣。

When we visited her in Hollywood, everything we did together was brighter and sillier than anything else in my childhood.

我姑姑喜欢紫色，她的公寓里到处都是紫色的东西。

My aunt loved purple and had an apartment full of purple things.

当韦恩·牛顿造访她在NBC的办公室时，他穿了一件紫色夹克。

When Wayne Newton visited her office at NBC, he wore a purple jacket.

当盖尔看到乔治·克鲁尼在《罗斯安ne》中扮演塑料厂主管时，她就知道他一定会成为明星。

When Gail saw George Clooney play a plastics factory foreman on Roseanne, she knew that he was gonna be a star.

她是个充满魅力的人，在她身边，我也觉得自己更强大、更重要。

She was larger than life, and in her presence, I felt bigger and more important too.

当我十几岁的时候，她开始与我原本亲密无间的家人疏远。

When I was in my teens, she began to distance herself from my otherwise tight knit family.

她对某件事感到愤怒，而我却不明白那是什么。

She was angry about something I didn't understand.

在她去世前大约一年半，我给她打了电话，恳求她重新回到我们家人中间。

About eighteen months before she died, I called her and begged her to be part of our family again.

她说她做不到。

She said she couldn't.

那是我们最后一次交谈。

It was the last time we ever spoke.

以我十六岁时的视角来看，她生活中的一切都显得如此令人兴奋且光彩夺目。

From my vantage point at 16, everything in her life seemed so exciting and glamorous.

她怎么会觉得自杀是唯一的出路呢？

How could suicide feel like her only option?

要理解导致她去世的复杂因素实在太难了。

It was too hard to understand the complicated factors that led to her death.

我非常爱她，也觉得她深爱着我。

I adored her and felt like she adored me.

因此，对我来说，唯一说得通的原因就是我还不够好，她对我的爱还不够深。

And so the only why that made sense to me was that I must not have been good enough, that she must not have loved me enough.

我一遍又一遍地回放我们最后一次对话，试图改写一个不同的结局。

I replayed our last conversation over and over trying to write a different ending.

但无论我说什么，她还是去世了。

But no matter what I said, she still died.

在接下来的二十年里，我一直认为自己很糟糕，不值得被爱。

For the next twenty years, I believed I was bad and unworthy of love.

我们马上回来。

We'll be right back.

我一直在读弗兰克的书。

I've been reading Frank's book.

他说战争即将来临，詹姆斯·弗雷泽会在战争中死去。

He says war is coming and that James Fraser dies in it.

这部开创性的系列剧曾风靡全球，当

The groundbreaking series that captivated the world When

我触摸那些石头时，这不是一个选择。

I touched those stones, it wasn't a choice.

迎来了它的史诗结局。

Comes to its epic conclusion.

我注定要在这里。

I am meant to be here.

没有任何准备能让你做好面对结局的准备。

Nothing can prepare you for how it ends.

要相信

Have faith

我们始终如一。

in us always.

《外乡人》最终季将于3月6日首播。

The final season of Outlander premieres March 6.

我们能相遇，简直是个不小的奇迹。

It's no small miracle we found each other.

仅在Starz平台播出。

Only on Starz.

我是A.G.苏尔茨贝格。

This is AG Sulzberger.

我是《纽约时报》的出版人。

I'm the publisher of The New York Times.

我负责我们的新闻业务和商业运营。

I oversee our news operations and our business.

但我也曾是一名记者，近年来眼看着我们这个行业不断萎缩，感到非常担忧。

But I'm also a former reporter who has watched with a lot of alarm as our profession has shrunk and shrunk in recent years.

通常，在这些广告中，我们会谈论订阅《纽约时报》的重要性。

Normally, in these ads, we talk about the importance of subscribing to The Times.

我今天来这里，想传达一个不同的信息。

I'm here today with a different message.

我鼓励你们支持任何致力于原创报道的新闻机构。

I'm encouraging you to support any news organization organization that's dedicated to original reporting.

如果是你们当地的报纸，那就太好了。

If that's your local newspaper, terrific.

尤其是地方报纸，特别需要你们的支持。

Local newspapers in particular need your support.

如果是其他全国性报纸，那也同样很好。

If that's another national newspaper, that's great too.

如果是《纽约时报》，我们会用这笔钱派遣记者去寻找事实和背景信息，而这些是你们从人工智能那里永远得不到的。

And if it's The New York Times, we'll use that money to send reporters out to find the facts and context that you'll never get from AI.

就这样。

That's it.

我不是要你们点击任何链接。

Not asking you to click on any link.

只需订阅一家由真实记者进行第一手事实报道的新闻机构。

Just subscribe to a real news organization with real journalists doing firsthand fact based reporting.

如果你已经这样做了，谢谢。

And if you already do, thank you.

我需要知道我阿姨为什么离开我，于是我到处寻找答案。

I needed to know why my aunt had left me, and I searched for answers everywhere.

我是我认识的唯一一个雇了私人侦探的大学新生。

I was the only college freshman I knew with a private investigator.

我拿到了她去世当天的警方档案，然后花了多年时间试图忘记其中看到的内容。

I got access to the police file from the day she died, and then I spent years trying to forget what I saw in it.

我去了加州见她的朋友们。

I took a trip to California to meet her friends.

我长得太像她了，他们说就像见到了鬼魂。

I looked so much like her that they said it was like seeing a ghost.

几年前，我甚至尝试过前世回溯。

A few years ago, I even tried past life regression.

这个观点认为，在催眠状态下，你可以与前世连接，并访问生死之间的世界。

The idea is that in a state of hypnosis, you can connect with former lives and visit the world in between lives.

有些人相信，那个世界就像天堂，可以找到已故的亲人。

Some people believe that world is like heaven where lost loved ones can be found.

我对灵魂曾经历过前世的说法持怀疑态度。

I was skeptical of the idea that our souls have lived past lives.

我的朋友伊兰娜是一名从业者，她解释说，即使我不相信，也能获得有意义的体验。

My friend Ilana is a practitioner, and she explained that I didn't have to believe in it to have a meaningful experience.

我可以把它看作是与自己内在智慧的连接。

I could think of it as connecting with my own inner wisdom.

我闭上眼睛，努力放松，她则轻声倒数。

I closed my eyes and tried to relax as she quietly counted down.

很快，我看到自己置身于一具陌生的身体中，身处一个从未去过的地方，说着一种我听不懂的语言。

Soon, I saw myself in a body I didn't recognize, in a place I had never been, speaking a language I didn't know.

我目睹了那个人的死亡，我的灵魂随后进入了生死之间的世界。

I watched that person die, and my soul made its way to the in between world.

那里有盖尔，和我记忆中一模一样。

And there was Gail, exactly like I remembered her.

为什么？

Why?

我问道。

I asked.

她久久地凝视着我。

She looked at me for a long time.

没有为什么，她最终回答道。

There is no why, she eventually replied.

就这样结束了。

And that was it.

我回到了客厅，听着伊兰娜温柔的声音，她正引导我重新回到意识中。

I was back in my living room, listening to Ilana's gentle voice as she welcomed me back into consciousness.

我依然不知道那个房间里发生了什么，但它留给我一份深刻的智慧。

I still don't know what happened in that room, but it left me with a profound piece of wisdom.

没有什么为什么。

There is no why.

我反复思考这句话的含义，现在我相信，真正的教训不是‘没有什么为什么’，而是没有任何‘为什么’能成为她死亡的充分理由。

I thought a lot about what that means, and I now believe the lesson is not that there is no why, but that there is no why that would ever be a good enough reason for her death.

因此，我唯一的选择就是停止追问。

So my only choice was to stop asking.

我的阿姨，或者也许只是我的潜意识，向我抛出了救命的绳索。

My aunt, or maybe just my subconscious, was offering me a lifeline.

一种摆脱我用内疚和羞耻筑成的牢笼的方式。

A way out of the prison I had built out of guilt and shame.

我只需要伸手去抓住它。

All I had to do was take it.

对于自杀丧亲者来说，最令人悲伤的一件事是，他们所爱之人的生命常常被他们的死亡所定义。

One of the saddest things for suicide loss survivors is that their loved one's life is often defined by their death.

那一瞬间掩盖了一切。

That one moment overshadows everything else.

一旦我不再追问为什么，我就有了空间去思考其他问题。

Once I stopped asking why, I had room for other questions.

她是谁？

Who was she?

她产生了怎样的影响？

What impact did she have?

还有谁记得她？

And who still remembered her?

这时，大卫·史威默出现了。

This is where David Schwimmer came in.

在我脑海中，我和大卫·史威默的对话总是这样进行的。

In my head, my conversation with David Schwimmer always went like this.

我说：嗨，大卫。

I say, hi, David.

你很久以前和我的姑姑盖尔·约瑟夫共事过。

You worked with my aunt, Gail Joseph, a long time ago.

大卫说：我记得盖尔。

And David says, I remember Gail.

她做得非常好，我们都特别喜欢她。

She did such a great job, and we all really loved her.

尽管那不是真的，但他的这些话对我意义重大，因为我需要相信她被人爱着，而且她全心投入的工作也做得很好。

Even though it wasn't real, his words meant so much to me because I needed to believe that she was loved and good at the job that she cared so much about.

如果我鼓起勇气去和大卫说话，而他却说：我不记得了？

What if I worked up the nerve to talk to David, and he said, I I don't remember?

或者，如果我根本没机会和他说话呢？

Or what if I didn't get to talk to him at all?

这些恐惧让我在酒店房间里哭得不成样子。

These fears had left me a sobbing mess in my hotel room.

我给最好的朋友萨拉打了电话，告诉她我做不到。

I called my best friend Sarah and told her I could not do it.

我做不到成为大卫·施瓦辛格。

I could not be David Schwimmer.

我不能冒险失去这个梦想。

I couldn't risk the dream.

深吸几口气后，我们达成一致，我要穿上我的‘大女孩裤子’下楼去，因为不尝试才是最糟糕的结果。

After a few deep breaths, we agreed that I was gonna put on my big girl pants and go downstairs because not trying would be the worst outcome.

他在讲话时，我站在后面。

I stood in the back while he spoke.

我本希望在他离开时能拦住他，但演讲结束后，他坐下来听下一位演讲者。

I hoped I could catch him as he left, but after his speech, he sat down to listen to the next speaker.

当那位演讲者结束时，我径直朝他走去，但有个男人先到了。

When that ended, I made a beeline for him, but some man got there first.

等他们终于说完，大卫正要坐下，这时我走上前说：‘嗨，大卫。’

When they finally stopped talking, David tried to sit back down, and that's when I stepped up and said, hi, David.

我是萨曼莎。

I'm Samantha.

你很久以前和我的姑姑盖尔·约瑟夫共事过。

You worked with my aunt Gail Joseph a long time ago.

他微笑着说道：当然记得。

He smiled and said, of course.

我记得盖尔。

I remember Gail.

她很棒，我们都非常喜欢她。

She was great, and we really loved her.

他把手放在心口，补充说：她就像家人一样。

Putting his hand to his heart, he added, she felt like family.

谢谢你给我机会去想起她。

Thank you for giving me the chance to think about her.

那天晚上晚些时候，我又哭了很久。

I did a lot more crying later that evening.

我姑姑没能活到四十岁。

My aunt did not live to see her fortieth birthday.

在过去的一年里，每当我临近四十岁，这个想法就一直伴随着我。

Over the past year, this thought has been with me as I approached 40.

现在，我必须找到一种方法，去承受这种荒诞而痛苦的体验——活得比她更久。

Now I have to find a way to survive the surreal and painful experience of living longer than she ever would.

在过去二十年里，我不断追问她为何结束自己的生命，试图疗愈她去世时破碎的自己。

I spent the last twenty years asking why she took her life, trying to heal the part of myself that broke when she died.

然后，我开始探寻她究竟是怎样的一个人。

Then I searched to understand who she was.

现在，是时候去发现我是谁了。

Now it's time to find out who I am.

去珍惜我拥有的每一个崭新日子。

To make the most of each new day I have.

让我的失去与悲痛有了意义，去爱别人，也感受他们对我的爱，去爱自己，为了我们两个人而活。

To bring purpose to my loss and grief, to love other people and to know they love me back, to love myself, to live for both of us.

想听我与萨曼莎的访谈，请关注我们的节目。

To hear my interview with Samantha, check our feed.

这一集的标题是《我需要大卫·史威默的帮助》。

The episode is called I needed David Schwimmer's help.

《现代爱情》由朱莉娅·博特罗、克里斯蒂娜·何塞和汉斯·布托制作。

Modern Love is produced by Julia Bottero, Christina Jose, and Hans Buteau.

本节目由莎拉·萨拉森编辑。

It's edited by Sarah Saracen.

我们的执行制片人是詹·波扬。

Our executive producer is Jen Poyant.

本集由索菲亚·兰德曼混音，我们的节目由马迪·马西洛录制。

This episode was mixed by Sofia Landman, and our show is recorded by Maddie Masiello.

《现代爱情》的主题音乐由丹·鲍威尔创作。

The Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell.

原创音乐由丹·鲍威尔、马里昂·洛萨诺和罗文·尼米斯托创作。

Original music by Dan Powell, Marion Lozano, and Rowan Nimisto.

数字制作由内尔·加洛格利负责。

Digital production by Nell Galogli.

《现代爱情》专栏由丹尼尔·琼斯编辑。

The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones.

米娅·李是《现代爱情项目》的编辑。

Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects.

我是安娜·马丁。

I'm Anna Martin.

感谢收听。

Thanks for listening.