我不想要孩子，而我丈夫想要。我们的婚姻能维持下去吗？

二十四小时。

Twenty four hours.

是的。

Yeah.

没错。

Exactly.

真不错。

Good for you.

你还是可以退出的。

You could still bow out.

你知道的。

You know?

所以，我跟他说了，你知道我这个人。

So anyway, I told him, like, you know this about me.

我不想要孩子。

I don't wanna have kids.

他说，他宁愿和我在一起，也不要孩子。

And he said, I'd rather be with you than have kids.

所以对我来说，这个问题就这么定了。

So to me, this settled the issue.

你知道，我当时觉得没必要再提了，现在回头看，这想法太天真了。

You know, I didn't feel the need to again, this is naive in hindsight.

我们其实并没有认真讨论过这件事。

We did not really have a conversation about it.

我从来没问他：你想要孩子吗？

I never asked him, do you want to have kids?

我只是觉得，我已经尽到责任了。

I just thought, I've done my due diligence.

我已经告诉他关于我的情况了。

I've told him the information about me.

他知道了。

He knows.

我们很好。

We're good.

我们马上回来。

We'll be right back.

我一直在读弗兰克的书。

I've been reading Frank's book.

他说战争即将来临，詹姆斯·弗雷泽会死。

He says war is coming and that James Fraser dies.

一部震撼全球的开创性剧集。

Groundbreaking series that captivated the world

当我触摸那些石头时，这不是一个选择。

When I touch those stones, it wasn't a choice.

迎来了它的史诗结局。

Comes to its epic conclusion.

我注定要在这里。

I'm meant to be here.

没有什么能让你做好心理准备迎接它的结局。

Nothing can prepare you for how it ends.

我有信心。

I have faith

永远相信我们。

in us always.

《外乡人》最终季将于3月6日开播。

The final season of Outlander premieres March 6.

我们能相遇，简直是个不小的奇迹。

It's no small miracle we found each other.

仅在Stars播出。

Only on stars.

我是贾德森·琼斯。

I'm Judson Jones.

我是《纽约时报》的记者兼气象学家。

I'm a reporter and meteorologist at the New York Times.

近二十年来，我一直报道极端天气，而由于气候变化，极端天气正变得越来越严重，及时且准确的天气信息也变得愈发重要。

For about two decades, I've been covering extreme weather, which is getting worse because of climate change, and it's becoming more important to get timely and accurate weather information.

因此，我们发送这些定制化的简报，提前最多三天告知您可能影响您或您关心的地方的极端天气。

That's why we send these customized newsletters letting you know up to three days in advance about extreme weather that could impact you or a place you care about.

在《纽约时报》，您可以确信我们发布的所有内容都基于我们所能获得的最准确、经过验证的科学信息，因为我们希望您能根据这些信息实时做出关于生活的决策。

At The Times, you can be confident that everything we publish is based off the most accurate scientific and vetted information available to us because we want you to be able to make real time decisions about how to go about your life.

这种工作让订阅《纽约时报》变得如此有价值，也是您支持基于事实的独立新闻的方式。

This is the kind of work that makes subscribing to The New York Times so valuable, and it's how you can support fact based independent journalism.

如果您想订阅，请前往 nytimes.com/subscribe。

So if you'd like to subscribe, go to nytimes.com/subscribe.

你搬到了美国。

You move to The US.

是的。

Yeah.

你们一起安顿下来，开始了共同的生活。

You settle into a life together.

这件事后来又提起来过吗？

Does this come up again?

我的意思是，听起来你们并没有真的分手。

I mean, it sounds like you weren't breaking it up.

他提了吗？

Did he?

是的。

Yeah.

他很快就提起了这件事。

He he brought it up pretty quickly.

我没法告诉你具体有多快，或者第一次是什么时候，但在我搬过去后不久他就提了。

And I can't tell you how quickly or when was the first time, but it was pretty quickly after I moved.

我突然想起来，不知怎的，这变成了一件他开始想谈的事情，仿佛我们还在继续讨论它。

And I just remembered that all of a sudden, this became a thing that he started to to wanna open up, as if it was still something that we were discussing.

很多年以后，很久很久以后，他告诉我，他曾对他的母亲说，她没有孩子。

And he told me many years later, many, many years later, that he had said to his mother, she doesn't have kids.

你知道吗？

You know?

他妈妈安慰他，别担心这件事。

And his mom reassured him, don't worry about it.

她会改变主意的。

She'll change her mind.

她那个年纪的时候，我也不想要孩子。

At her age, I didn't want kids either.

你知道，她说我会改变主意的。我不认为他说谎了，他真的没有一丝恶意。

You know, she'll So come I don't think he lied when he said, you know, like, he he does not have a malicious bone in his body.

我不认为他说谎了，他说过，我宁愿和你在一起，也不要孩子。

I don't think he lied when he said, I'd rather be with you than have kids.

是的。

Yeah.

我觉得这只是某种组合，比如，我觉得我能做到这一点。

I think it was just some combination of, like, I think I can do this.

而另一部分是，她最终还是会改变主意的。

And then the other part is like, well, she'll probably get come around anyway.

对。

Right.

或者，换句话说，同时持有两种矛盾的想法，这简直就是人类的常态，我觉得，这就是人类的处境。

Or or, you know, sort of holding two contradictory thoughts at once, which is, like, quite literally the human experience I feel, you know, like the human condition.

是的。

Yeah.

所以很清楚。

So it's clear.

他开始再次提起这件事，重新打开了你以为已经关闭的门。

It becomes he starts bringing this back up, opening back up this door that you thought was closed.

是的。

Yeah.

他会怎么说呢？你知道的，即使你记不清具体的对话，一般来说，他会怎么说？你又会怎么回应？

What would he say, you know, even general, if you don't remember specific conversations, and and how would you respond?

是的。

Yeah.

再说一遍，他会说的一件事是，你是个特别有爱心的人。

Well, again, you know, one of the things that he would say is like, you are such a loving person.

你很适合做这个。

You would be good at this.

还有另一件事，你知道，他知道我感觉自己跟他相比像个胆小鬼。

And the other thing, you know, he knew that I felt sort of like a scaredy cat comparison to him.

对吧？

Right?

他是个见多识广的人，做过很多冒险的事，而我却没有。

He was this worldly man who had done all this very adventurous stuff, and I had not.

所以我认为，对他来说，这不过是另一个类似的例子。

And so I think this was just another example of that to him.

你知道的？

You know?

生孩子，确实是一件大事。

That, like, having a kid, sure, it's this big thing.

除非你亲自经历，否则你不会明白那是什么感觉。

You won't know what it's like until you do it.

从这个角度看，这真是一场冒险。

So in that sense, it's very much an adventure.

但你知道，别被恐惧绊住脚步。

But, you know, just get over your fear.

那段时间对我来说整体上非常艰难，因为我刚搬了家。

And this was a very difficult time for me in general because I had just moved.

我刚辞了工作。

I had just quit my job.

我抛下了家人、朋友，还有我的语言、城市，所有我熟悉和热爱、让我成为我的东西，我都抛下了。

I had left behind my family, my friends, you know, my language, my city, my like, everything that I knew and loved and that made me feel like me, I had left behind.

而我还不能工作。

And I couldn't work yet.

我一个朋友都没有。

I didn't have a single friend yet.

这真不容易。

That's tough.

是的。

Yeah.

所以我只是想，我到底是谁？

So I just was like, what am I?

我完全无依无靠。

I'm so untethered.

我甚至不知道自己是谁。

I don't even know who I am.

因为我会告诉他，对，就是那个，哦，是的。

Because I would tell him, right, like, the oh, yeah.

还有我们之间的不平等。

Well, the inequality between us also.

他是个美国人。

Like, he was American.

他熟悉那个地方。

He knew the place.

他有份工作。

He had a job.

他那时候算是安顿下来了。

He was sort of in his like, he was home.

对吧？

Right?

而我没有。

And I was not.

所以他有这个优势。

So he had that advantage.

他有一份好工作。

He had a good job.

我当时还不被允许工作。

I was not yet allowed to work.

而且，你知道的，回到我们之前说的，即使我有工作，也永远不可能是那种能养家糊口的工作。

And again, you know, to go back to what we said before, like, even if I had a job, it would never be the one that would be able to provide for the family.

他可以留在家里照顾孩子。

And, you know, he could be the one to stay home with the kid.

我知道，如果非得有一个人放弃工作，那一定是我。

Like, I knew that, like, if anyone had to give up work, it would be me.

这让我也非常生气。

And so that made me very angry too.

但他经常说的一件事是：不，我们会想办法的。

But then he one of the things that he would say is like, no, I would we would figure it out.

我会找一份可以做兼职的工作，你知道的，我有储蓄。

I would take a job where I could take part time, you know, like, I have savings.

我不会让你这么做。

Like, I would not let you do this

独自一人。

alone.

他对于

He has an answer to

哦，是的。

Oh, yeah.

你所说的每一件事都有答案。

Everything you're saying.

对。

Yeah.

他曾经让你信服吗？

Did he ever convince you?

不是靠言语。

Not with words.

在我们结婚多年后，发生了一件事。

Something happened many years into our marriage.

我意外怀孕了。

I got pregnant by accident.

我是在他出差时发现的。

And I found out when he was on a trip.

我发现的那天，正是他回来的日子。

And the day I found out was the day he was coming back.

所以我知道自己只有这么点时间去考虑，因为我不想让他回来时还一无所知，我想在他回来前弄清楚该怎么办。

So I knew I had only this much time to sort of because what I didn't want it like, I wanted I wanted to figure out what to do before he came back.

因为我的想法是，如果我决定不要这个孩子，我根本不想让他知道我怀孕了。

Because my reasoning was, if I decide not to have this baby, I don't even want him to know that I'm pregnant.

因为那样会彻底击垮他。

Because that would gut him.

哇。

Wow.

你的丈夫，你不想让他知道。

Your husband, you don't want him to know.

是的

Yeah.

哇

Wow.

嗯嗯

Mhmm.

所以他回家了，我想着，你知道，我不能告诉别人，因为我还没想好怎么做。

So he came home, and and I thought, well, you know, I can't I can't share this because I haven't figured it out yet.

但他一进门，就得知他妹妹去世了。

But he came in, and he had just learned that his sister had died.

天哪。

Oh my gosh.

我很难过。

I'm so sorry.

她已经病了很久。

And she had been sick for a long time.

这并不令人惊讶。

It was not a surprise.

但你知道，她还很年轻。

But it was You know, she was very young.

这真的非常悲惨。

It was really tragic.

而且，这件事还带有一种宇宙般的意味。

And also, there was this this sort of cosmic element to it.

对吧？

Right?

就像，我体内正孕育着一个新的生命。

Like, here, I have this new life inside me.

一个生命开始之际，另一个生命却结束了。

Like, this one life begins as this other life ends.

我感觉或许我并不了解生命的全部。

And I felt like maybe maybe I don't know everything about life.

也许生命知道一些比我、比我那点小小的意志、我对工作和各种事情的计划都要宏大的事情。

Like, maybe life knows some things that are bigger than me, and my little, you know, will, and what my plans for my job and whatever.

所以我告诉他了。

And so I told him.

哇。

Wow.

他的表情，我永远都不会忘记。

And his face, like I will never forget this.

他用手捂着嘴，我想可能是为了掩饰他的微笑。

His face, he was holding his hand in front of his mouth, I think maybe in order to hide his smile.

但那感觉就像阳光突然穿透云层，照在他的脸上，你知道吗？

But it was like the sun broke over, like, through the clouds over his face, you know?

他立刻就容光焕发了。

Like, he was beaming immediately.

就是那一刻，我想，我应该试试。

That was the moment where I thought, I think I should try.

养孩子可不是靠试一试就能行的。

Well, there's no trying with having a kid.

对吧？

Right?

我该怎么说呢？

How how should I put this?

我不是说里面完全没有信心的成分。

It's not like I think there's no confidence involved.

你知道的。

You know?

我根本没信心自己能做好。

I did not have any confidence I could do it.

但我心想，他看起来那么开心。

But I thought, he is so happy.

这里显然有某种征兆，你知道的，他妹妹去世了，而我却怀孕了。

There's like a sign here, you know, with his sister dying and me being pregnant.

我觉得我不该再强加我的意志了。

I think I should stop imposing my will.

我觉得我应该顺其自然，随它去吧。

I think I should just let life run its course and go with this.

那你这么做了吗？

So did you?

没有。

No.

简短的回答是没做。

The short answer is no.

但这也花了一点时间，你知道的？

But it took a little bit, you know?

而且，也许这不是每个人的经历，但我的怀孕经历确实带来了深刻的身体和情感变化。

Like, also, because maybe that's not everyone's experience, but my experience being pregnant was a really profound physical and emotional change.

你知道，体内的荷尔蒙就像一种强大的药物，对吧？

You know, like, immediately, like, the hormones that run through your body are a powerful drug, you know?

我感到一种平时并不常有的平静和乐观。

And I felt, like, calm and optimistic in a way that I don't really usually, you know, do.

很有趣。

Interesting.

这给了我信心。

And so, that gave me confidence.

我当时想，是啊，也许这就是当母亲的感觉。

I was like, yeah, maybe I can maybe this is what it will feel like to be a mother.

你只是，你知道的，突然就变成一个能胜任这件事的人。

Like, you just, you know, you're just sort of transformed into a person who can do this.

一个不同的自己。

A different self.

是的。

Yeah.

生命一定是以某种方式安排好的，或者说，进化就是这样设计的。

It must be that life sort of has or, like, you know, evolution has arranged it this way.

对吧？

Right?

就像，你可能觉得自己做不到，但事情发生了，你却发现你能行。

Like, maybe you can't do it, but then it's happening, and you can.

你知道的？

You know?

所以我想到，也许这仅仅是未来会怎样的开端。

So I thought, maybe this is just the start of how it's gonna be.

你感觉很好。

You felt good.

我感觉棒极了。

I felt great.

哇。

Wow.

我还可以。

I have okay.

这些都是些复古的东西，我在理智上并不认同，也不太在道德上认同，或者不管怎么说。

This is all this retro stuff that I don't intellectually agree with or sort of, you know, ethically or whatever.

当然。

Sure.

但纯粹从身体和情感上来说，我感觉自己特别像个女人。

But purely physically, emotionally, I felt like such a woman.

我总觉得我总是穿裤子。

I felt like I always wear pants.

你知道吗？

You know?

我觉得我需要穿裙子。

I felt like I need dresses.

我需要那种走路时衣服能围绕着我飘动的感觉。

I need to sort of walk and feel my clothes sort of whirl around me.

所有这些，你知道，都是荷尔蒙引起的。

All this stuff, you know, from just the hormones.

荷尔蒙来得太急了。

The hormones are rushed.

我的意思是，我当时在继续推进这件事。

I mean, I I am struck that at the time, you're moving forward with it.

嗯。

Mhmm.

过去几年里，你一直坚定地反对这一点。

This is a thing that for the past several years, you've been incredibly staunchly Mhmm.

反对。

Opposed.

你正在过着与你原本意图完全相反的生活。

That you are living the opposite of what you intended.

是的。

Yep.

而你现在感觉很好。

And you are feeling good.

我的意思是，你正被荷尔蒙淹没。

I mean, you're being flooded with hormones.

是的。

Yeah.

但你感觉很好。

But you're feeling good.

是的。

Yeah.

乐观吗？

Optimistic?

哦，是的。

Oh, yeah.

我感觉，就像我之前说的那样，你怎么能把这样的世界强加给孩子呢？

I I felt you know, this thing that I said earlier, right, about, like, how can you afflict this world onto a kid?

是的。

Yeah.

你对此有什么想法？

What did think about that?

我没想过这个问题。

Did not think about it.

你知道的？

You know?

我没法告诉你我当时是怎么想的。

And I don't I can't tell you what I did think.

那根本没在我脑子里。

It was just not on my mind.

我只是相信一切都会好起来的。

And I just believed that things would be okay.

这种感觉持续了多久？

How long did this feeling last?

我

I

我不确定100%。

don't know a 100%.

我觉得是两周。

I think two weeks.

荷尔蒙发生了变化。

The hormones changed.

我感到恶心。

I got nauseous.

另外，他的妹妹去世了。

Also, so his sister had died.

我们去了加利福尼亚见他的家人。

We went to California to see his family.

这时你已经不在加利福尼亚了吗？

You're not in California anymore at this time?

哦，抱歉。

Oh, sorry.

是的

Yeah.

这时，我们已经搬到了纽约。

At this point, we'd moved to New York.

明白了。

Gotcha.

我们在加州的时候，变化就开始了。

And it's while we were in California that it started shifting.

当我们住在加州时，我一直很不开心。

I had been so unhappy in California when we lived there.

你知道，那不是我的归属地。

You know, it was not my place.

我爱纽约。

I love New York.

我爱四季。

I love seasons.

我喜欢散步。

I love walking.

我喜欢那些有点黑色幽默的人，你知道吗？

I love people with a sort of darker sense of humor, you know?

所以只是加州不适合我。

So it was just California was not my place.

而我们又回到了那个我曾经非常不开心的地方。

And there we were again, in this place where I had been so unhappy.

而且，是的，荷尔蒙开始变化，我开始恶心，完全感觉不到那种药物带来的感觉。

And, yeah, and the hormones started changing, and I got nauseous, and I just wasn't feeling at all the drug that I felt.

就好像我找回了真实的自己，你知道吗？

And it was like I came back to myself, you know?

我发现我依然是我，我依然不想要这一切。

And I and it turns out I was still me, and I still didn't want this.

当你在加州时，你突然醒悟了。

And it hit you when you were in California.

是的

Yeah.

我们当时住在他妈妈家，我记得我确切的位置。

We were staying with his mom, and I remember exactly where I was.

我当时躺在客卧的地毯上，感觉被困在了自己的身体里。

I was, you know, on the carpet, on the floor, in the guest room, and I felt sort of trapped in my own body.

你知道，这一团细胞即将变成胎儿，然后变成婴儿，最终会出生。

You know, like this this clump of cells is gonna soon turn into, you know, a fetus, and then a baby, and then it's gonna, you know, come out.

我只是觉得，天啊。

And I don't it just felt like, wow.

从这里开始，情况不会再好转了。

It's it's not gonna get better from here.

你知道吗？

You know?

每一周过去，它都会让我陷得更深。

It's only going to entrap me more every passing week.

如果我现在就已经感到被困住了，我没法继续下去。

And if I already feel trapped now, I can't do this.

所以我告诉他了。

And so I told him.

那你当时告诉他了？

You told him then?

是的。

Yeah.

我的意思是，我上网查了。

I mean, I I went online.

我预约了纽约计划生育协会最早的一次就诊。

I booked the first available appointment with Planned Parenthood in New York.

那是在两周后。

That was two weeks ahead.

然后我告诉他，就飞去了纽约。

And then I told him, and I flew to New York.

哇。

Wow.

他对此有什么反应？

How did he respond to that?

他非常温柔。

He was so kind.

我知道。

I know.

一想到这个，我就心碎。

It breaks my heart to think about.

他并没有生我的气。

Like, he was not angry with me.

他没有试图说服我。

He didn't try to convince me.

他帮助了我。

He helped me.

他帮我订了飞机票。

He booked my plane ticket for me.

他开车送我去机场。

He drove me to the airport.

但这些都是你一个人做的吗？

But you were doing this on your own?

嗯，我不太确定是不是完全记清了，但我记得他问过，你知道的，比如‘我要不要陪你去？’

Well, I think I I don't remember this a 100% sure, but I think he he asked, like, you know, yeah, like, should I come?

我觉得我当时说，不用了。

And I think I said, no.

那感觉太过了，你知道我的意思吧？

That seemed like too you know what I mean?

我不希望他在那里握着我的手，看着我做这个手术，你知道的？

I don't want him to be there holding my hand while I abort this, you know?

他其实非常想要这个孩子。

This baby that he really wants.

是的。

Yeah.

对。

Yeah.

所以我一个人完成了这件事。

So I did it on my own.

你离开诊所时感觉如何？

How did you feel leaving the office?

所以

So

我去了一家计划生育协会。

I went to Planned Parenthood.

我不太记得了，可能有四个人在给你做流产前要见你，你知道的。

I can't remember how it's maybe, like, four people that you see, you know, before they give you the abortion.

他们会问我一些问题，比如，你之前用过什么避孕方式？

And, you know, they would ask me questions, like, what kind of birth control did you use?

你知道的。

You know?

比如他们问了，一个人做超声波，另一个人，总之有好几个人问我各种问题，而我也喜欢问他们问题。

Like so they asked then, like, one person does the sonogram and one so there were all these people who were asking me all these questions, and I like asking people questions.

所以他们会问我，我也会问他们。

So they would ask me, and I would ask them.

他们真的非常友善和开放。

And they were so wonderful and open.

你知道的。

You know?

我当时就问，你想生孩子吗？

I was like, do you wanna have a kid?

你知道的。

You know?

哇。

And Wow.

你在问他们这个问题。

You're asking them that.

哦，是的。

Oh, yeah.

在计划生育协会。

At the Planned Parenthood.

在计划生育协会。

At the Planned Parenthood.

他们会回答我。

And they would answer me.

你知道吗？

You know?

他们都非常开放。

They were so open.

每一个都是如此。

Every single one of them.

你知道的。

You know?

其中一个说，是的。

And one was like, yeah.

我觉得是。

I think so.

不过不是和我现在这个男人。

Not with the guy I'm with, though.

真的，姐妹。

That's real, sister.

没错。

Yep.

然后，你知道，另一个女人说，我有孩子。

And then, you know, another woman was like, I have kids.

我有两个。

I have two.

我14岁的时候有了第一个孩子。

I had my first one when I was 14.

我非常爱我的孩子们。

And I love my kids to death.

而且，我绝不希望任何人经历我所经历的那些事。

And also, I don't ever want anyone to have to go through what I went through.

这就是为什么我在这里工作。

So this is why I work here.

你知道吗？

You know?

所以，这些女性真的非常坦诚，她们待我像对待一个普通人，你知道的，是的。

So, these women were really, like, forthcoming, and they were really like, they treated me like a human, you know Yeah.

她正在为自己的人生做出一个至关重要的决定。

Who was making a very important decision for her life.

她们认真对待这件事。

And they were taking that seriously.

我做了手术，然后从手术室出来了。

I had the surgery, and then I came out of the Operation Room.

他们把你安排到那种大椅子上，周围有小帘子，还给你果汁和饼干。

And they put you in, like, one of those big chairs with a little curtain around it, and they give you juice and a cookie.

突然间，我对我丈夫感到很愧疚，你知道吗？

And suddenly, I felt very guilty towards my husband, you know?

另一位护士走过来问我：你感觉怎么样？

And another nurse comes up to me and is like, how are you feeling?

我想她可能是想问我的心率之类的，但其实我也不确定。

And I suppose she's I don't know actually, I suppose, but probably, she's asking about my heart rate or whatever.

但我告诉她我现在的感受。

But I told her how I was feeling.

而且我

And I

你说你感到愧疚。

told You said I'm feeling guilty.

哦，是的。

Oh, yeah.

因为你丈夫想要这个孩子，所以你感到内疚。

Guilty because your husband wanted this baby.

对。

Yeah.

你把这件事告诉了她。

You shared that with her.

对。

Yeah.

她坐在那把大椅子的扶手上。

And she sat down on the armrest of this big chair.

她说，你没有什么好内疚的。

And she said, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

如果你不想要这个孩子，那么这么做是不对的。

If you don't want this, it would not be right to do this.

而你做了对你来说正确的事。

And you have, you know, you did what was right for you.

我真的想让你知道，你没有做错任何事。

And I really want you to know that you did nothing wrong.

所以，要回答你的问题——当你离开那个办公室时，你感觉如何？这花了好长一段时间。

So when this is a long way to answer your question, how did you feel when I when you left that office?

我感到非常被支持。

I felt so supported.

我感到无比轻松和感激。

I felt incredibly relieved and grateful.

另外，我当时不知道的是，一旦那团细胞消失，那些激素也会立刻消失。

Also, what I didn't know was that those hormones are gone the moment that the clump of cells is gone.

哇哦。

Woah.

是的。

Yeah.

我不知道这一点。

I did not know that.

也许这并不准确，也许会有科学家给你打电话说，不是这样的。

And maybe that's not, Maybe a scientist is gonna call you and be like, no.

但当时我的感觉就是这样。

But that's what it felt like.

是的。

Yeah.

所以，我立刻不再恶心了。

So I was no longer nauseous immediately.

我不再感觉与自己的身体脱节了。

I no longer felt, like, sort of dissociated from my body.

我重新做回了自己。

Like, I was me again.

就像是，哦，我回来了。

It was like, oh, I'm back.

这就是我所认识的我的大脑。

Here's my brain as I know it.

稍微更悲观一点，但欢迎回来。

Slightly more, you know, pessimistic, but welcome back.

是的。

Yeah.

你知道吗？

You know?

对。

Yeah.

能再次做回自己真好。

It's nice to feel like myself again.

所以，是的，我立刻就知道这是适合我的决定。

So, yeah, I I I knew right away this was the this was the decision for me.

我想知道，这次流产有没有改变你的关系，改变你的婚姻？

I guess I want to know, did this abortion change your relationship, change your marriage?

是的。

Yes.

当然。

Absolutely.

怎么个改变法？

How?

你知道的，我们平时不太会聊那些沉重的情感话题。

You know, we weren't the biggest talkers about hard emotional stuff.

你知道，他可能不太擅长表达自己内心最深层的心理感受。

You know, he was not very good, maybe, at sort of voicing the deepest layers of, like, all of the stuff that went on psychologically for him.

而且我害怕去问，你知道的？

And I was afraid to ask, you know?

我其实不太想了解。

I kind of didn't wanna know.

了解什么？

Know what?

什么

What

是的

Yeah.

他感觉怎么样。

How he was feeling.

我不想了解他的悲伤，你知道吗？

I did not wanna know about his sadness, you know?

所以，你知道，因为他没有主动说，而我也没有问，我们就没谈过这件事。

And so, you know, because he wasn't offering and I wasn't asking, we didn't talk about it.

但之后，他确实慢慢地衰弱下去了。

But it definitely he was after that, he was sort of slowly wasting away.

你知道吗？

You know?

比如，他再也不好好吃饭了。

Like, he's he didn't eat well anymore.

他是个特别乐观的人。

Like, he's such an optimistic person.

他笑得很快。

He's very quick to smile.

他的眼睛里总有一种光芒。

There's like a sort of light in his eyes.

你知道，他总是特别开心地看到那只鸟、那只松鼠，但那种神情消失了。

You know, he's always so happy to see, you know, this bird and this squirrel, and like, that was gone.

他的脸变得有些灰暗，这种状态持续了好几个月。

And like, his face was sort of gray, and that went off for months.

你坐在椅子上之后感受到的那份内疚，后来又浮现出来了吗？

Did that guilt resurface that you'd felt in the chair after the

哦，是的。

Oh, yeah.

你是怎么处理它的？

What did you do with it?

什么都没做。

Nothing.

我把它们压下去了。

I smushed it down.

你懂的？

You know?

我不想跟它有任何关系。

I didn't wanna do anything with it.

因为我就一直这样，内疚并没有让我怀疑：我是不是做错了什么？

Because I did keep like, the guilt didn't make me wonder, oh, did I make a mistake?

没有。

No.

我知道。

I knew.

我真的、真的、真的、真的、真的知道。

I really, really, really, really, really knew.

所以，那是一种内疚，但也是一种无能为力。

And so, it was guilt, but also powerlessness.

我很抱歉伤害了你，我如此深爱的这个人。

Like, I am so sorry that I hurt you, this person that I love so much.

而且，我不会为此做任何事。

And also, I'm not gonna do anything about it.

这太糟糕了。

Like, that's awful.

你知道吗？

You know?

是的。

Yeah.

你们还在一起吗？

Did you stay together?

后来怎么样了？

What happened?

我们又在一起待了一年多一点。

We stayed together for another year year and a month or so.

然后，到了我的生日，我办了一场生日派对。

And then, it was my birthday, and I organized a birthday party.

我从来不会办生日派对。

I never organized birthday parties.

我觉得那太奢侈了，简直像是给孩子办的。

Like, that seemed so indulgent to me, so much like for a child.

而且，说实话，就算只是去参加派对，我也不喜欢。

And also, like, I don't love parties even when I just go to one, you know?

而娜拉说，你知道的，人生短暂，我要办一场派对，我真的很开心，因为我和我们的生活相处得非常愉快，你知道吗？

And and Nala was like, you know, life is short, and I'm gonna do a party, and I'm so happy, and this is like, because I I was so happy with our life, you know?

因为，好吧，我丈夫的状态真的不太好。

Because, okay, my husband was really not doing great.

但几个月后，你知道的，他开始有些变化了。

But then he then, after a few months, you know, he started something shifted.

他重新开始照顾自己了。

He started taking care of himself again.

他开始锻炼了。

He started working out.

他很喜欢这样。

He loves that.

他经常去游泳。

Like, he, you know, he went swimming a lot.

他就做那些让他感觉良好的事情，然后感觉好多了。

Like, he just did the things that made him feel good, and he felt better.

我觉得太好了。

And so I thought, fabulous.

我们终于渡过难关了。

We've turned the corner.

我们回来了。

We're back.

我们回来了。

We're back.

你知道吗，我们挺过了这场风暴，对吧？

You know, we've, like, withstood the storm or you know?

所以我当时特别兴奋，你知道吗？

So I was riding this high, you know?

我想，哇。

And I thought, wow.

我爱我的生活。

I love my life.

爱纽约。

Love New York.

爱我的感情关系。

Love my relationship.

不想生孩子。

Don't wanna have a kid.

不要孩子。

Don't have a kid.

太好了。

Great.

所以我组织了一场生日派对，玩得非常开心。

So I organized a birthday party, and had such a good time.

我自己都没想到，我在派对上居然玩得这么开心。

Surprised myself that I had a good time at a party.

那天晚上，我仍然有点兴奋，就是那种因为派对而情绪高涨的感觉。

And that night, I was still sort of, you know, just yeah, like, up, you know, from the whole party thing.

我们躺在床上，他脸上突然有了点表情。

And we're lying in bed, and something happens on his face.

然后他说，我有件事想和你谈谈。

And, you know, he says, I need to talk about something.

他告诉我，他真的很想要一个孩子。

And he told me, I really wanna have a kid.

我得试试这个。

I have to try this.

我想当时就是这样，当我告诉他，对不起，我做不到。

And I think it was just like, you know, when I told him, I'm sorry, I can't do this.

我必须堕胎。

I have to have an abortion.

他没有和我争执。

He didn't fight me.

事情就是那样。

It was like that.

我也没有和他争执。

I didn't fight him.

因为他是我非常在乎的人。

Because he's this person I care about so much.

我希望他能得到他想要的，但我无法给他。

I want him to have what he wants, and I can't give it to him.

所以他离开了。

So he left.

你和一个你如此深爱的人的关系，对我来说，这非常清楚，是的。

This relationship with someone you love so deeply, it's so clear to me Mhmm.

这段关系结束了，因为你不能成为母亲。

Ended because you did not you could not be a mother.

是的。

Mhmm.

那让你身处何地？

Where did that leave you?

为了保护他，我必须明确地表达，我们在八年的婚姻中一直都很清楚，不行。

There was there was a I could be in order to protect him, I wanted to really be, like, clear throughout our eight years of marriage, you know, like, nope.

我不想要那个。

Don't want that.

你想要设立界限。

You wanted to have a boundary.

是的

Yeah.

我只是不想打扰他，你知道的？

And I just didn't wanna mess with him, you know?

给他希望，也许本不该有希望，不是吗？

Give him hope where maybe There hope didn't you

走。

go.

我不希望他从我这里看到任何关于这件事的模棱两可。

I didn't want him to see any ambiguity from my side about this.

但他还是离开了，你知道吗？

But then he left, you know?

突然间，我放下了防备，也开始审视自己的生活，对吧？

And all of a sudden, just put down my armor and take stock of my life too, right?

然后我想，天啊，我爱这个男人。

And like, wow, I love this man.

他走了。

He is gone.

这是因为我不想要孩子。

This is because I don't wanna have a kid.

这就是我的决定所付出的代价。

This is what my decision has cost me.

等等。

Wait.

为什么我不觉得这真的这么重要？

Why do I not what is this really so important?

这比我对他还重要？

This is this is more important than he is to me?

这简直太荒谬了。

Like, it just it's it's so ridiculous.

对吧？

Right?

因为当时我已经39岁了。

Because at this point, I was, yeah, 39.

我一直在非常认真地思考这个问题。

I had been thinking about this pretty intense.

这其实是我二十多年来一直以某种方式在思考的问题。

Like, this was, you know, a question that I was always sort of thinking about in some capacity for two decades.

对吧？

Right?

但就在那一刻，仿佛我第一次真正地问出了这个问题。

And yet, in that moment, it was as if it was the first time that I was really asking.

它

It

这让我觉得特别有意思，因为有一种可能的情况是，你知道，你离婚了或者他离开了，你们分开了。

it it's really interesting to me because there's a way I feel this could have gone where, you know, you you get this divorce or he leaves, you know, you you separate.

这很难，但你看看这个情况，你会说，我知道我不想要孩子。

And it's so hard, but you you look at the situation and you say, you know, I knew I didn't want to have kids.

现在我没有孩子了。

Now I don't have kids.

你知道的，这事已经定了。

You know, it's settled.

但事情并不是这样发生的。

But this is not what happened.

事实上，相反的情况发生了，一扇门被打开了，所有你或许从未允许自己感受的情绪都涌了进来，是的。

In fact, the opposite happened where it's like this door was open and all of these emotions you hadn't perhaps allowed yourself to feel Yeah.

纷纷涌来。

Come flooding in.

听起来像是怀疑，是的。

And it sounds like doubt Yeah.

怀疑是其中一种情绪。

Is one of those emotions.

对这种确定性的怀疑

Doubt in this certainty

你不想当母亲，你不想要孩子。

that you don't wanna be a mother, that you don't want kids.

你知道吗，有趣的是，这种怀疑并不是关于我是否想要孩子。

Well, you know, the interesting thing is, like, the doubt was not about, do I wanna have a kid or not?

我仍然确信我不想要。

I still felt certain that I didn't.

这种怀疑更多是：我是不是没有出于正确的原因而不想要？

The doubt was more like, do I not want it for the right reasons?

也许我丈夫说的对，这是你的恐惧在作祟。

Maybe this thing that my husband said, like, it's it's your fear talking.

也许他是对的。

Maybe he's right.

我问自己，我哪里有问题？

What I asked myself was, what is wrong with me?

我为什么是这样的人？

Why am I this kind of person?

我能改变吗？

And can I change?

我们马上回来。

We'll be right back.

我一直在读弗兰克的书。

I've been reading Frank's book.

他说战争即将来临，詹姆斯·弗雷泽会死。

He says war is coming and that James Fraser dies.

这部开创性的系列剧曾风靡全球

The groundbreaking series that captivated the world

当我触摸那些石头时，这根本不是一种选择。

When I touched those stones, it wasn't wasn't a a choice.

迎来了史诗般的结局。

Comes to its epic conclusion.

我注定要在这里。

I am meant to be here.