我隐形的丈夫

我一直在读弗兰克的书。

I've been reading Frank's book.

他说战争即将来临，詹姆斯·弗雷泽会在战争中死去。

He says war is coming and that James Fraser dies in it.

这部开创性的系列作品曾风靡全球

The groundbreaking series that captivated the world

当我触摸那些石头时，这并不是一个选择。

When I touched those stones, it wasn't a choice.

如今迎来了它的史诗性结局。

Comes to its epic conclusion.

我注定要在这里。

I am meant to be here.

没有任何事能让你为它的结局做好准备。

Nothing can prepare you for how it ends.

我相信

I have faith

永远在我们心中。

in us always.

《外乡人》最终季将于3月6日首播。

The final season of Outlander premieres March 6.

我们能够相遇，简直是个不小的奇迹。

It's no small miracle that we found each other.

仅在Stars播出。

Only on stars.

爱，如今永恒。

Love now endures.

那爱

Where does that

我爱？

I love?

爱。

Love.

你比任何事物都更坚强。

You're stronger than anything.

你对爱有一种深深的热爱。

You feel a love for love.

我比任何事物都更爱你。

And I love you more than anything.

爱。

Love.

仍然有很多爱。

There's still a lot of love.

来自《纽约时报》，我是安娜·马丁。

From The New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.

这是《现代爱情》。

This is Modern Love.

今天在节目中，我们将讲述一个故事：有时，家庭是靠谎言维系在一起的。

Today on the show, we have a story about how sometimes a family is held together by untruths.

这些并不一定是明显的谎言，而是回避。

These aren't necessarily outright lies, but they're evasions.

它们是一种逃避。

They're avoidances.

它们是掩盖某些事情的沉默。

They're these silences that cover something up.

这篇散文由大卫·卡利夫撰写。

The essay is written by David Califf.

在他的家庭中，这个谎言是关于大卫是同性恋并且幸福地与一位男士结婚的事实。

In his family, the untruth was about how David is gay and very happily married to a man.

大卫的整个家庭都对此保密，没有告诉他的祖母。

David's whole family kept this a secret from his grandmother.

他的散文名为《我丈夫不存在的房子》，开篇讲述大卫回到家乡参加家庭聚会。

His essay is called The House Where My Husband Doesn't Exist, and it begins with David returning to his hometown to go to a family gathering.

我按了祖母家的门铃，然后想起要摘下我的结婚戒指。

I rang the doorbell of my grandmother's house, and then I remembered to pull off my wedding ring.

我把戒指塞进口袋，那一刻我变成了另一个人，一个扮演虚构版自我的演员。

I slipped it into my pocket, and I was someone else, an actor playing a fictional version of me.

我结婚时，家人替我的祖母做了一个决定。

When I got married, my family made a decision for my grandmother.

他们达成一致，所有人都可以知道我的丈夫，唯独她不行。

They agreed that everyone could know about my husband except her.

他们担心她会与我断绝关系，痛斥我父亲，责怪我母亲。

They feared she would disown me, excoriate my father, blame my mother.

我祖母来自旧世界，她遵循着旧有的规矩。

My grandmother was from the old country and she lived by old rules.

我祖母坐在沙发上那个我一向熟悉的位置。

My grandmother sat in the same spot on the couch where I've always known her to be.

但如今，她正通过一根连接着氧气罐的管子呼吸。

But now she was breathing through a tube connected to an oxygen tank.

大卫，她喊道，伸出了双臂。

David, she called out, raising her arms.

我要死了，她说。

I'm dying, she said.

我奶奶已经濒死二十年了。

My grandmother has been dying for twenty years.

然而，在那一天，她萎缩的身体以一种她声音永远无法表达的方式揭示了这个真相。

On that day, however, her shrunken body declared that truth in a way her voice never could.

奶奶，我爱你，我说。

I love you, Nana, I said.

癌症，她说。

Cancer, she said.

我爱你，我回答。

I love you, I replied.

我们的关系建立在数十年间每次仅两分钟的对话之上，内容总是关于她最近的疼痛和不适。

Our relationship had been built on decades of two minute conversations about her most recent aches and pains.

我对她的过去知之甚少，只知道她在巴勒斯坦度过了动荡的一生，十几岁时就被嫁给了一个年长的男人，并成为了一名母亲。

I knew little about her past other than that she'd had a tumultuous life in Palestine, being married off to an older man and becoming a mother while in her teens.

当政治动荡和家族内斗迫使她逃往美国时，她已经又生了三个孩子，并失去了丈夫。

By the time political turmoil and family infighting forced her to flee to The United States, she'd given birth to three more children and lost her husband.

你为什么搬到那里去？

Why did you move up there?

她问。

She asked.

为什么要离开你的家人？

Why leave your family?

我喜欢波特兰，我说。

I like Portland, I said.

我无法告诉她，我和丈夫如何在门廊上看着雨水，或如何 brisk 地徒步去欣赏哥伦比亚河的壮丽景色。

I couldn't tell her about my husband and me watching the rain from our porch or our brisk hikes to see sweeping views of the Columbia River.

她永远也看不到我们在迷雾中的圣约翰大桥下拍摄的婚礼照片。

She'd never see the wedding photos of us under the misty Saint John's Bridge.

你和谁住在一起？

Are you living with anyone?

这个问题不是打探，只是出于好奇。

The question wasn't prying, merely curious.

我能告诉她什么？

What can I tell her?

是的，奶奶。

Yes, Nana.

我和我生命中的挚爱住在一起。

I'm living with the love of my life.

我看着我的姑姑，她是唯一在听的其他人。

I looked at my aunt, the only other person listening in.

我住在一起吗？

Am I living with anyone?

我问。

I asked.

我不知道是否有人刻意编造了这个谎言。

I didn't know if there had been efforts to coordinate this fiction.

有谁特意给我编过背景故事吗？

Had anyone bothered to give me a backstory?

我说，有个室友。

A roommate, I said.

这个词如咒语般回荡，仿佛我召唤出了所有被迫使用这种伪装的同性恋者的幽灵——这个词用于保护，也用于抹去。

The word reverberated like an incantation, as if I had summoned the ghosts of every gay person who had ever been forced to use this pretense, a word to protect and erase.

几十年来，我向世界隐藏了我的感受，并将它们压抑至消亡。

For decades, I hid my feelings from the world and suffocated them into nothingness.

从我接受丈夫求婚的那一刻起，我就发誓永远不会抛弃他。

From the moment I accepted my husband's proposal of marriage, I promised I would never forsake him.

我们的订婚不仅是对他的承诺，也是对我自己的承诺：我再也不会隐藏了。

Our engagement was not only a promise to him, it was a promise to myself that I would never hide again.

但此刻的我，却在这里。

But here I was.

你幸福吗？

Are you happy?

我奶奶问。

My grandmother asked.

我爱你，奶奶，我说。

I love you, Nana, I said.

但此刻，我却在对另一个人说话，对那个在她家中根本不存在的男人说话。

But now I was speaking to someone else, to the man who did not exist in her house.

那天下午，我母亲留在家里陪我丈夫，好让他不那么孤单。

That afternoon, my mother had stayed home with my husband to help him feel less alone.

好让我们所有人都假装这并不是一场表演。

To help us all pretend this was not a charade.

他们正在看电影，或准备午餐，或聊着他的家人以及他与家人疏远的原因。

They were watching a movie or making lunch or chatting about his family and the reasons for his estrangement from them.

我伸手进兜里，摸到了婚戒光滑的轮廓。

I reached into my pocket and felt the smooth contours of my wedding ring.

在口袋的黑暗中，我的手指滑过了戒指。

In the darkness of my pocket, my finger slipped through it.

无论他在做什么，我知道他戴着戒指在做。

Whatever he was doing, I knew he was doing it with his ring on.

结果发现，那并不是大卫最后一次见到他的祖母。

It turns out that wasn't the last time David saw his grandmother.

休息之后，我和他谈了他们最后一次见面的情况。

I talked to him about their final visit after the break.

这部开创性的系列剧曾风靡全球。

The groundbreaking series that captivated the world

当我触摸那些石头时，那不是一种选择。

When I touched those stones, it wasn't a choice.

它迎来了史诗般的结局。

Comes to its epic conclusion.

我们能相遇，简直是个不小的奇迹。

It's no small miracle we found each other.

《外乡人》最终季。

The final season of Outlander.

立即在Starz观看。

Watch now only on Starz.

我是A.G.苏尔兹伯格。

This is AG Sulzberger.

我是《纽约时报》的出版人。

I'm the publisher of The New York Times.

我负责我们的新闻业务和商业运营。

I oversee our news operations and our business.

但我也曾是一名记者，近年来目睹我们的行业不断萎缩，对此我深感忧虑。

But I'm also a former reporter who has watched with a lot of alarm as our profession has shrunk and shrunk in recent years.

通常，在这些广告中，我们会谈论订阅《纽约时报》的重要性。

Normally, in these ads, we talk about the importance of subscribing to The Times.

今天，我想传达一个不同的信息。

I'm here today with a different message.

我鼓励你们支持任何致力于原创报道的新闻机构。

I'm encouraging you to support any news organization that's dedicated to original reporting.

如果是你当地的报纸，那就太好了。

If If that's your local newspaper, terrific.

特别是地方报纸，非常需要你的支持。

Local newspapers in particular need your support.

如果是其他全国性报纸，那也很好。

If that's another national newspaper, that's great too.

如果是《纽约时报》，我们会用这笔钱派遣记者去寻找事实和背景信息，这些是你从人工智能那里永远得不到的。

And if it's The New York Times, we'll use that money to send reporters out to find the facts and context that you'll never get from AI.

就是这样。

That's it.

不是要你点击任何链接。

Not asking you to click on any link.

只是订阅一家由真实记者进行第一手事实报道的新闻机构。

Just subscribe to a real news organization with real journalists doing firsthand fact based reporting.

如果你已经这样做了，谢谢。

And if you already do, thank you.

大卫·卡利夫，非常感谢您朗读您的文章。

David Califf, thank you so much for reading your essay.

谢谢您邀请我。

Thanks for having me.

您的现代爱情文章讲述的是您去加利福尼亚祖母家的一次拜访，当时您以为那是最后一次见到她，但后来您又见了她一次。

So your modern love essay was about a visit to your grandmother's house in California that you thought would be the last time you ever saw her alive, but you actually saw her one more time.

您能跟我讲讲那次最后的探望吗？

Can you tell me about that final visit?

是的。

Yeah.

我当时正要去洛杉矶过假期，而她的身体状况不太好。

I was traveling down to Los Angeles for the holidays, and she was not doing well.

嗯。

Mhmm.

于是我和丈夫从波特兰开车去洛杉矶见她，好让我能和她做最后的告别。

And so my husband and I drove down from Portland to Los Angeles to see her so that I could visit with her one last time.

你知道吗，这很有趣，因为在你的文章中，你原本以为那是你最后一次和祖母说话。

You know, it's interesting because in your essay, you know, you thought that'd be your last time talking to your grandmother.

所以某种程度上，听起来你好像已经说完了所有需要说的话。

So in a way, perhaps, it sounds like you said everything you needed to say.

所以这次真正最后的探望，这次去医院的探望，我不确定。

So this truly final visit, this visit to the hospital, I don't know.

你觉得这次有什么不同吗？

Did you feel like what was different about it?

你已经说了所有需要说的话，那还剩下什么呢？

You'd said what you needed to say, so what was left?

是的。

Yeah.

真的没什么剩下了。

There there really wasn't much left.

但当我一走进去，她一看到我，就认出了我，喊了我的名字，大卫。

But the second I walked in and the second seat she saw me, she recognized me and said, David.

我走过去握住她的手，她也握住了我的手，我们就这样静静地坐了一会儿。

And I came over and took her hand, and she took my hand, and we just sat there for a moment.

你和康斯坦蒂诺一起开车去了医院，和你丈夫一起。

You drove to the hospital with Constantino with your husband.

当你在房间里握着祖母的手时，他当时在哪里？

Where was he during all this when you were in the room holding your grandma's hand?

康斯坦蒂诺在车里等我。

Constantino waited for me in the car.

所以他只是

So he was just

就在外面。

just outside.

他就在外面。

He was just outside.

是的。

Yeah.

我觉得，哪怕只是一瞬间，也值得考虑一下把他带进来。

I think even for just the a split second entertain the idea of bringing him in.

但我觉得，如果我把他带进房间，我就得告诉她他是谁。

But I think if I brought him in the room, I would either have to tell her who he was.

而当时她明显身体状况很差，我觉得这样让她面对一个艰难的问题，或许有些残忍。

And as someone who was clearly ailing at the time, that felt maybe like a a cruel thing to do to give her something difficult to wrestle with.

要么就是对他身份撒谎，但我并不擅长撒谎。

And he was either that or lie about who he was, and I'm overlying.

嗯。

Mhmm.

你离开医院的时候感觉怎么样？

How did you feel as you left the hospital?

我感到很难过。

I felt sad.

我觉得，我内心的一部分在哀悼，不只是因为失去她，也因为我们的关系如此有限、如此表面化，这让我感到些许悲伤，而这并非我所期望的。

I think part of me was grieving a little bit, not just not just losing her, but also a bit of sadness about the limits of our relationship and how it was a a smaller, more superficial relationship than I would have wanted.

我想，如果还有其他情绪的话，那就是一丝解脱。

I think if there was any other emotion, there was a bit of relief.

一方面，是为她感到解脱，因为她已经痛苦了很多年。

And one, relief for her because, she'd been in pain for many years.

另一方面，也是为我自己感到解脱，因为她是地球上最后一个我答应要为她继续隐瞒谎言的人。

Relief for me because she was the last person on Earth who I had agreed to perpetuate a lie for.

所以我知道，一旦她离世，我就能100%真实地做自己，世界上再没有人需要我伪装了。

And so I knew once she had passed that, I could a 100% fully, truly be myself in the world, and there was no one on earth who I needed to pretend to.

你在祖母的葬礼上发言了。

You spoke at your grandmother's funeral.

你在追悼会上说了什么？

What did you talk about in your eulogy?

是的。

Yeah.

我的父母请了几位孙辈分享一段关于祖母的回忆，我和我的妹妹、表弟都答应了。

So my folks had asked a few of the grandchildren to share a memory of their grandmother, and, my sister and my cousin agreed.

我拒绝了，他们又问了一次，我又拒绝了一次。

I declined, and they asked again, and I declined again.

但是

But

你有点在笑，但我感觉这是一件挺让人不舒服的事。

You're kinda laughing, but I feel like that's an kind of uncomfortable thing.

他们问你，你却说不。

They asked you, and you said no.

告诉我你为什么会这样反应。

Tell me about why you reacted that way.

是的。

Yeah.

我几乎对他们问这个问题感到被冒犯，因为我明明已经在《纽约时报》上写过一篇专栏，讲述我和祖母疏远、近乎断绝关系的关系。

Well, I I almost took offense to them even asking me because I had literally wrote a column in the New York Times about my distant and almost estranged relationship with my grandmother.

他们读过那篇文章，然后却来找我，说：‘嘿，你能分享一个关于你祖母的回忆吗？’

And they had read it, and then they come to me and say, hey, would you share a memory of your grandmother?

我最初拒绝的原因之一是我想不出一个值得分享的好回忆。

And one of the original reasons that I declined was because I couldn't think of a good memory to share.

我们一生中只有过如此短暂而肤浅的对话。

We had had a lifetime of such short, superficial conversations.

所以当我同意谈论时，我决定分享我最后一次在医院见到她的场景。

And so when I agreed to speak, I decided I would share about the last time I saw her at the hospital.

那很意义重大，因为我觉得我们在那时确实有了一个瞬间的连接。

And that was meaningful because I felt like we did have a moment there.

那也很有意义，因为我的挚爱、对我来说最重要的人，正停在停车场里。

And it was meaningful because the love of my life, the most important person to me, was outside in a parking lot.

她从未真正看见我，我也从未真正看见她。

She never fully saw me, and I never fully saw her.

但那没关系，我们依然彼此相爱，因为她是我祖母。

And that that's okay that we still loved each other because she was my grandmother.

我是她的孙子，我们因为这层关系而彼此相爱。

I was her grandson, and we loved each other because of that.

也许这就足够了。

And maybe that's enough.

我的意思是，我以前从未听过这样的悼词。

I mean, it it I have to I've never heard a eulogy like that ever before.

但我想，如果我没听过这样的悼词，房间里很多人也都没听过如此坦诚的悼词。

But I imagine that if I haven't heard a eulogy like that, a lot of folks in the room also had not heard a eulogy as honest as that.

你发表完这篇演讲后，家人有什么反应？

What were the reactions from your family after you gave this speech?

我对自己的发言感到很满意，但并不是每个人都这样觉得。

I was very happy with what I said, but not everyone was.

尤其是我爸爸，他是个非常善良温和的人，却勃然大怒。

And, in particular, my dad, who is a very kind and gentle man, was furious.

他觉得这段回忆冒犯了我的祖母。

And he felt like he felt like the memory disrespected my grandmother.

对他来说，我的悼词是自私的。

And to him, my eulogy was selfish.

我觉得他觉得我把焦点放在了自己身上，而不是单纯地分享一些关于她的美好、愉快的事。

I think he felt like I made it about me rather than just sharing something bright and cheery about her.

对我来说，准确地描述我们关系的本质很重要。

And for me, it was important to accurately characterize the nature of our relationship.

我们从未——至少从我这边来说——觉得在她面前敞开心扉。

And we never I, at least from my part, never felt like I was vulnerable with her.

当你对一个人不敞开心扉时，你们就形同陌路。

And and when you aren't vulnerable with someone, you're strangers.

我在想，你其实有很多机会可以把康斯坦蒂诺介绍给你的祖母。

You know, I'm thinking about how there were all these opportunities you had to introduce Constantino to your grandmother.

出于种种原因，每次你都觉得不是合适的时机。

And for so many reasons, every time you decided that it wasn't the right time.

但我想知道，在另一个世界里，如果你把他们介绍给了彼此，你希望你的祖母了解康斯坦蒂诺的哪些方面？了解你的丈夫的哪些方面？

But I wanna know, like, in an alternate world where you had introduced the two of them, what would you have wanted your grandma to know about Constantino, to know about your husband?

我希望她知道，我被爱着，我是完整的。

What I'd want her to know is that I'm loved, and I am complete.

她一直担心我们会不会结婚。

And she was always concerned about us getting married.

所以她内心始终希望我们能通过组建家庭而变得完整。

So there's this part of her that always wanted us to be complete through the creation of family.

而且

And

所以我觉得，如果我能以某种方式让她接受并理解她已经是我的家人，她就会接纳这一点，并为我感到高兴。

so I feel like if there were some way in which I could get her to accept and understand that he is family, that she would be able to accept that and she would be able to be happy for me.

大卫，非常感谢你与我分享你对祖母的回忆。

David, thank you so much for sharing your memories of your grandma with me.

非常感谢你进行这次对话。

Thank you so much for this conversation.

谢谢你邀请我。

Thanks for having me.

你可以在我们的节目笔记中找到大卫·卡利夫的完整《现代爱情》文章链接。

You can find a link to David Califf's full Modern Love essay in our show notes.

《现代爱情》由朱莉娅·博特罗、克里斯蒂娜·何塞和汉斯·比托制作。

Modern Love is produced by Julia Bottero, Christina Jose, and Hans Buteau.

它由莎拉·萨拉森编辑。

It's edited by Sarah Saracen.

我们的执行制片人是詹·波扬。

Our executive producer is Jen Poyant.

本集由罗文·内米斯托混音，我们的节目由马迪·马西洛录制。

This episode was mixed by Rowan Nemisto, and our show is recorded by Maddie Masiello.

《现代爱情》的主题音乐由丹·鲍威尔创作。

The Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell.

原创音乐由玛丽安·洛萨诺和丹·鲍威尔提供。

Original music by Marian Lozano and Dan Powell.

数字制作由内尔·加洛格利负责。

Digital production by Nell Galogli.

《现代爱情》专栏由丹尼尔·琼斯编辑。

The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones.

米娅·李是《现代爱情项目》的编辑。

Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects.

我是安娜·马丁。

I'm Anna Martin.

感谢收听。

Thanks for listening.