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我是丹·巴里，《纽约时报》的资深记者。
I'm Dan Barry, and I'm a longtime reporter with The New York Times.
我在这里工作了三十年，见证了无数变迁。
I've been here for thirty years, and I've seen a lot of things change.
我入职时公司甚至还没有网站。
I was here before there was a website.
但从未改变的是《纽约时报》的使命——追寻事实真相，无论它指向何方。
But one thing hasn't changed at all, and that's the mission of The New York Times, to follow the facts wherever they lead.
如果这意味着要发布政府、领导人或名流不愿公开的内容，那不是我们需要顾虑的。
And if that means publishing something a government or a leader or a celebrity doesn't want aired, that's not our concern.
若你认同事实驱动报道的重要性，可以通过订阅《纽约时报》来支持我们。
If you believe in the importance of fact driven reporting, you can support it by becoming a New York Times subscriber.
此刻相爱
Love now
直到永远。
and forever.
爱。
Love.
爱。
Love.
比任何事物都强大。
Was stronger than anything.
为爱。
For the love.
爱。
Love.
而我爱你胜过世间万物。
And I love you more than anything.
爱。
Love.
这里有爱。
There's love.
爱。
Love.
这里是《纽约时报》，我是安娜·马丁。
From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.
这是现代爱情故事。
This is modern love.
让我告诉你约会中最不喜欢的部分。
Let me tell you about my least favorite part of a date.
就是账单放到桌上的那一刻。
It's the moment the bill hits the table.
无论约会过程是好是坏，账单来时我都会僵住。
Regardless of whether the date's been good, the date's been bad, when that bill comes, I'm frozen.
我不知道该怎么办。
I don't know what to do.
我总在想要不要慢慢掏钱包，希望对方能抢先甩出那张美国运通卡？
I'm like, should I do the slow reach for the wallet, hoping the guy slaps that Amex down?
还是该让他先放卡然后假装有点被冒犯？
Do I just let him throw the card down and then get sort of offended?
因为那感觉就像在说：你觉得我付不起吗？
Because it's like, do you think I can't pay for this?
不过就是杯伏特加苏打水。
It's just a vodka soda.
我们要AA吗？
Should we split it?
这总是有点奇怪。
Which is always kinda weird.
我该用Venmo转他钱吗？
Should I Venmo him?
我该用Venmo转他钱吗？
Should I Venmo him?
就像，哦，天啊。
It's like, oh, god.
每个选择都显得很没面子。
Every option is so undignified.
但今天，我要采访一位《现代爱情》的撰稿人，她对这个问题有个意想不到的解决方案。
But today, I'm talking to a Modern Love essayist who had an unexpected solution to that exact problem.
以下是她的做法。
Here is what she did.
在和某位男士第三次约会时，她提议开一个联名支票账户。
On her third date with a guy, she proposed they open a joint checking account.
不得不说，尽管这听起来相当极端，但她的理由确实开始让我信服了。
And I have to say, even though that sounds quite extreme, her reasoning actually started to convince me.
这是我们的对话。
Here's our conversation.
Janine Lynn，欢迎来到《现代爱情》。
Janine Lynn, welcome to Modern Love.
谢谢邀请我，安娜。
Thanks for having me, Anna.
我想告诉你，今天和你通话的日子特别凑巧，因为我今晚有个约会，我知道结账时我们又要上演那出尴尬的小把戏——我假装伸手掏钱包，但
I wanna tell you that I am talking to you on an incredibly fortuitous day because I have a date tonight, and I know that when the check comes, we're gonna do that horrible, weird, little dance where I, like, reach for the wallet, but
我正看着他呢。
I'm looking at him.
谁来付钱？
Who's gonna pay?
我们要分摊吗？
Should we split it?
哒哒哒。
Da da da.
当你们约会时面对这个问题，你做了件我闻所未闻的事。
And when you were dating and facing this question, you did something I've never heard of anyone doing ever.
你在第三次约会时就要求对方开联名账户。
You asked a guy to open a joint bank account on your third date.
我必须知道。
I have to know.
你告诉别人这事时他们会吓到吗？
Do people freak out when you tell them this?
当然会。
Absolutely.
他们都觉得这太疯狂了。
They think that's bonkers.
没错。
Yes.
是啊。
Yeah.
那确实是个疯狂的主意。
It was a bonkers idea.
你说得对。
And you're right.
账单送来那一刻充满紧张和焦虑，那个瞬间蕴含了太多层次和复杂性。
That moment when the bill comes is so fraught, is so anxiety driven, and there's so many layers and complexities to that moment.
你知道吗，就像，该我付钱吗？
You know, it's like, do I pay?
如果我付钱，是不是意味着我的爱可以买卖？
If I pay, does that mean my my love is for sale?
嗯哼。
Mhmm.
如果他付钱，是不是意味着，就像，他拥有我？
If he pays, does that mean, like, he owns me?
或者，你知道，我们是否需要在这里建立某种阿尔法气质的投射？
Or, you know, is there some sort of projection of alphaness that we need to establish here?
反女权主义。
Anti feminism.
是啊。
Yeah.
没错。
Exactly.
你说得对，我同意。
You say and and I agree.
这是个多么棘手的时刻。
It's such a fraught moment.
你还记得账单来时自己的反应吗？
Do you remember put yourself back when a check came.
你当时说了什么？
What did you say?
他当时说了什么？
What did he say?
你当时做了什么？
What did you do?
所以每当我约会时，无论是共进晚餐、小酌一杯还是打迷你高尔夫，无论做什么，到了该付账的时候，比如晚餐账单刚放到桌上，我的第一反应就是抢过账单主动付钱。
So whenever I was on a date, out to dinner or having drinks or playing miniature golf, whatever it was, whenever it came time to pay or whenever at dinner, for instance, the bill landed on the table, My knee jerk reaction was to grab the bill and offer to pay.
嗯哼。
Mhmm.
而且不是那种温和的'哦，让我来付吧'。
And it wasn't just like a gentle, oh, let me pay.
而是直接'不行'。
It was like a no.
我的手啪地拍在桌上，一把夺过账单，那架势就像我的命都系在这张账单上似的。
My hand slapped the table, laying claim to the Czech presenter, and I took it like it was like like my life depended on it.
我脑子里想着：要是他敢付钱，我就杀了他。
In my brain, I said, if he pays, I'm gonna kill him.
但实际对约会对象说的是：'哦，这次我来吧'。
But what I said to the actual date was like, oh, let me get this.
那他们会瞪大眼睛做什么反应呢？
And what would they do with their eyes wide?
就是，他们当时什么反应？
Like, what was their reaction?
我是说，当然他们会因为我这种暴力抢账单的举动稍微往后缩一下。
I mean, of course, they would kind of recoil a little bit from the the, like, violent grabbing of the bill a little bit.
对。
Yeah.
但之后就会说'好吧'。
But then be like, sure.
你知道的，他们就让我付了。
You know, they just let me pay.
你说要是这个假想中的男人在这次假想约会中付了钱，你就会杀了他。
You said if he pays this, you know, hypothetical guy and this hypothetical date, you will kill him.
为什么？
Why?
为什么有人看似好心为你做事，却会激起如此愤怒？
What is it about someone doing something ostensibly kind for you that ignites such fury?
说实话，安娜，我当时并不明白。
So honestly, Anna, I didn't know at the time.
我只是不停地重复这样做。
I just kept doing it over and over and over again.
那是一种强迫行为。
It was a compulsion.
那是本能反应。
It was instinctual.
我完全不明白那是什么。
I had no idea what that was.
我以为那是，你知道的，女权主义。
I thought it was, you know, feminism.
嗯。
Mhmm.
我以为那是我们大脑对那个时刻的各种想法。
I thought it was whatever conversations we have in our brain about that moment.
直到有次和家人外出用餐，账单来时，我听到父亲说：'如果你付账，我就杀了你'。
And it wasn't until I was out to dinner with my family, and the bill came, and I heard my dad say, if you pay it, I will kill you.
那是谁说的？
And that's Who?
谁？
Who?
是我姑姑们吗？
Is my aunts?
是的。
Yeah.
完全正确。
Totally.
嗯嗯。
Uh-huh.
嗯嗯。
Uh-huh.
就在那一刻我突然想通了。
And so that's when I it clicked in my head.
我当时就想，天啊。
I'm like, oh my god.
这就是我的根源所在。
That's where I get it from.
你和家人外出用餐时，能给我描述下当时的情景吗？
When you went out to dinner with your family, can you sort of tell me what would happen?
你们享用完美食后，接下来会做什么？
You eat a delicious meal and then what?
哦，这种情况通常只发生在中国式的大型宴会上，比如庆祝我祖父生日、祖母生日或其他重要时刻。
Oh, so it would have only really happened in these big Chinese banquets when we were celebrating my grandfather's birthday, my grandmother's birthday, some big moment.
你知道的，我们会在餐厅摆上10桌，每桌坐10位家人。
And there were, you know, tape like, we'd have 10 tables at a restaurant for our family, and every table was 10 people.
大概有八九道菜都摆放在转盘中间。
So it's like eight, nine courses of food all centered all in the middle of this lazy Susan, you know?
你只要转转盘就能夹菜。
And you just turn it around and you'd pick at it.
所以在这长达两小时的宴会结束后，账单就会送过来。
And so at the end of dinner, after this one two hour event, the bill would come.
我小时候就记得这个场景，因为我特别喜欢。
And you could almost I remember this as a kid because I loved it so much.
你几乎能感觉到房间里的能量突然凝固。
You can almost sense the energy in the room pause.
就像动物突然感知到地震时会停下来抬头张望的那个瞬间？
You know that moment where, like, animals suddenly sense an earthquake and they pause and they look up?
是的。
Yes.
就是那种感觉。
It was like that.
没错。
Yeah.
然后所有人都会疯狂抢账单，甚至威胁要动手，想出各种招数来付账。
And everyone would just, like, claw for the bill and threaten bodily harm, have all these different kind of schemes for how to pay for that bill.
我完全能理解，因为我是半个中国人，这个场景我感同身受。
I really I understand in the sense that I am half Chinese, and this is a scene that I can absolutely resonate with.
我记得当时是在密歇根，我祖父母住那里的时候。
I remember being I think it was in Michigan where my grandparents were living at the time.
就像你描述的那样，一大家子人聚餐。
Big dinner, family dinner, like you describe.
我记得我姑姑和我父亲为了账单打得不可开交。
And I remember my aunt and my father fought so violently over the check.
我姑姑不小心抓伤了我父亲，血都溅到桌布上了。
My aunt accidentally scratched my dad, and he bled all over the tablecloth.
我想小孩子可能意识不到发生了什么。
I guess, like, as a kid, you say you weren't aware of what was happening.
当时在你看来是什么样子？
What did it appear like to you?
试着代入小时候的珍妮的视角。
Put yourself in, like, kid Janine brain.
你看到家人在做什么？
What did you see your family doing?
你觉得他们是疯了，还是觉得这本来就是常态？
Did you think, like, they're being insane, or did you think this is kinda just how it is?
我当时觉得这就是正常现象。
I thought it was just kinda how it was.
而且对我来说很有趣，因为我和表亲们会打赌谁会赢。
And I've it was fun for me because my cousins and I would take bets on who would win.
就像在看摔角比赛或大逃杀之类的。
Like, it was a wrestling match or battle royale or something.
是啊。
Yeah.
说实话，真正让我恍然大悟是有次我姑姑赢了账单。
And to be honest, the moment where it really clicked for me was when my aunt won the bill one time.
而我父母，在我看来是不想认输，他们把钞票塞进我手里，让我爬到餐桌底下
And my parents, in what appeared to me as a refusal to lose, they gave me money, bills, in my hand, and asked me to crawl under the dinner table
哇哦。
Woah.
然后悄悄爬到她身边，把钱塞进她口袋，就像反扒窃一样。
And crawl my way towards her and sneak money into her pocket, like a reverse pickpocketing.
这样她晚些时候就会发现口袋里突然多了好多钱。
So she'll she'll have some point later in the night discover she has, like, all these bills.
没错。
Exactly.
为什么？
Why?
为什么？
Why?
在我心里，我觉得这是另一个计谋。
In my mind, I thought it was another scheme.
就像，我父母不愿认输，这是他们获胜的方式。
Like, my parents had refused to lose, and this was a way for them to win.
但当我从与父母共进晚餐后回家的路上，他们正在想办法继续偿还她的晚餐账单，比如通过日用品、给她孩子买衣服等各种方式。
But on my way home from that dinner with my parents, they were brainstorming ways to continue to pay her back for the dinner bill, like with groceries, with clothes for her kids, with all these other things.
我很困惑。
And I was confused.
我在想，为什么？
I was like, why?
我觉得我已经做得很好了，把钱放进了她的口袋。
I would I did a good job putting money in her pocket.
我又没害你。
Like, I didn't kill you.
为什么我们还要继续偿还她？
Why are we still trying to pay her back?
他们说，因为她刚失业了。
And they're like, well, she just lost her job.
所以我们让她赢是为了保全面子，让她享有支付账单的荣誉和特权。
And so we let her win to save face, to have the honor and the privilege of paying for the bill.
但我们知道她负担不起。
But we know she can't afford it.
所以他们知道她负担不起那顿晚餐，正在幕后想办法偿还她，甚至更多，真正照顾她。
So they knew she couldn't afford that dinner, and they are working behind the scenes to pay her back and then some and really to take care of her.
就在那时，我开始清楚地明白这个仪式的真正含义。
And so that's when that that ritual started to become clear to me exactly what it was.
我们都在进行这个仪式，因为我们都渴望获得那一刻的权利、特权与荣耀。
We're all performing this ritual because we all want the right and the privilege and the honor to win that moment.
但在这一切之下，存在着某种无形的制衡机制，只是人们不愿谈及。
But underneath it all is this kind of invisible checks and balances that is happening that you don't really talk about.
因为在此之前，一切都只是，哦，好玩而已。
Because before then, was just like, oh, fun.
他们在争斗。
They're fighting.
而在那之下，正是在那一刻，我意识到所有表象之下还有更深层的事情正在发生。
And then underneath that, that that that was the moment that I learned that there was something more happening underneath all of that.
这真是个发人深省的回忆。
That is a really illuminating memory.
这件事让你对金钱和人际关系有了什么领悟？
What did it teach you about money and relationships?
就是这两者之间的那种关系。
The the the relationship as it were between the two.
这是个好问题。
That's a good question.
这真的很难分开。
It's so hard to separate.
对吧？
Right?
金钱、人际关系与关怀。
Money and relationships and care.
当然，你可以完全不涉及金钱就去关心一个人。
And of course, you can care for someone without having money involved at all.
但金钱曾是我们生活中如此重要的一部分，因为我们拥有的并不多。
But money was such a big part of our lives because we didn't have that much of it.
你知道吗？
You know?
我的家庭是典型的工人阶级。
My family, very working class.
我妈妈以前是服务员。
My mom was a waitress.
我爸爸在工厂工作。
My dad worked in a factory.
同样地，我的叔叔阿姨们也都是蓝领阶层。
Similarly, my aunts and uncles were also blue collar.
所以像这样全家人出去吃大餐，对我们来说是件大事。
And so going out to dinner like that, a big family banquet, was a big deal for us.
你明白吗？
You know?
所以即使现在，只要我愿意，我完全有能力支付每一顿饭钱。
And so even now, I have the means to pay for every dinner if I wanted to.
但总会回到那种感觉，比如有人在看着吗？
But it still comes back to that moment of, like, is someone watching?
有人在关心吗？
Is someone caring?
有人注意到吗？
Is someone noticing?
就像这个时刻的意义，这要追溯到约会的时候。
Like, what this moment means and, like like, this goes back to dating.
就像每次我抢着买单都赢了，因为没人跟我争。
It's like every time I fought for the bill and I won because no one fought me back.
他们被吓到了。
They were scared.
就是，
Like,
我一直抢着买单，不停地买单。
I just kept grabbing the check, grabbing check.
我很乐意这么做，因为我说过，我在乎这件事。
Happy to do it because I was saying, I care about this.
我是在为这段关系投资。
I'm investing in this relationship.
但当没人反对，也没人停下来问一句'你付这个钱真的没问题吗'时
But when no one fought me back and no one stopped to ask the question, are you okay paying this?
你经济上真的能承受一次又一次付这笔账单吗？
Are you financially okay to foot this bill over and over again?
是啊。
Yeah.
那时才真正开始感到受伤，因为这让我不断怀疑，有人注意到吗？
That's when it really started to hurt because then it kept made me wonder, are people noticing?
有人在乎吗？
Are people caring?
有人问过'我付这个账单真的没问题吗'这样的问题吗？
Are people asking the question, am I okay to pay this bill?
如果你不付钱，你害怕会发生什么？
What were you afraid would happen if you didn't pay?
对你来说最坏的情况是什么？
What was that worst case scenario to you?
我试过不付钱。
I tried not paying.
好吧。
Okay.
我试过不付钱，每次都让他们付。
I tried not paying and just letting them pay every time.
这让我感觉很不舒服。
And it just felt gross to me.
感觉非常不自然。
It just felt unnatural.
感觉就像——天啊。
It just felt oh, god.
就是...我的身体本能地抗拒这种情况发生。
Just, like, not it just it wasn't in my body to let that happen.
我尝试过。
And I tried.
我真的非常努力尝试过。
I really gave it a good try.
我一次次让他们付钱。
I let them pay over and over again.
但除了我骨子里的中式习惯，还有那层女权主义思想在作祟。
But, you know, in addition to my inherited Chinese rituals, there was also that layer of feminism.
还有我们讨论账单时涉及的所有其他因素。
There was also that layer of all these other things that we talked about when the bill came.
就像——如果我让他付钱，是不是就欠他什么了？
It was like, if I let him pay, do I owe him something?
你懂吗？
You know?
比如，如果我让他付钱，是不是意味着我的爱是可以被收买的？
Like, if I let him pay, does that mean my love is for sale?
如果我让他付钱，脑子里就会冒出这些问题，让我无法坦然接受他们付账。
If I let him pay like, there were all these questions in my brain that made letting them pay not work for me.
我试过AA制，就是那种
I tried splitting the bill, you know, like
感觉怎么样？
What was that like?
因为那通常是我的做法。
Because that's my approach normally.
然后我就说，
And I'm like,
对，我们AA吧。
yeah, let's split it.
感觉就像你走你的阳关道，我过我的独木桥。
It just felt like you go your way, I'll go my way.
好像我们再也不必见面了。
Like, we don't have to see each other again.
我付了我的那份。
I paid for my stuff.
你付了你的那份。
You paid for your stuff.
我们互不相欠。
We don't owe each other anything.
但这样我也不喜欢，因为晚餐时我们互相了解的那段时光，难道就毫无意义吗？
And I didn't like that either, you know, because that moment we shared over dinner getting to know each other, did that not mean anything enough?
难道那段时光不值得我们投入一点金钱、一点真心吗？
Did that not mean enough for us to invest a little bit of money, a little bit of ourselves into it?
所以看起来，珍妮，这事怎么都不对。
So it seems like, Janine, there's kind of no way to win.
你不喜欢让他买单。
You didn't like letting him pay.
你不喜欢AA制
You didn't like splitting.
你喜欢付账，但同时又觉得，天啊，你难道不该跟我争一下吗？
And you you liked paying, but you were also like, dang, aren't you gonna fight me more?
这就像，这种情况下怎么选都是输
It's like, there's no way to win in this situation.
不
No.
所以在我看来唯一的解决办法就是开联名账户
And that's why the only solution in my mind was the joint bank account.
好吧
Okay.
我们现在得深入聊聊这个，因为大多数人根本不会往这方面想
We're gonna get into it now because that is not where many people's brain would go.
对吧？
Right?
你说这就是为什么唯一解决方案是联名账户
You say that's why the only solution was a joint bank account.
我们需要深挖一下这个想法
We need to dig into that.
这个主意是怎么产生的？
How did that idea come to you?
我只记得那种不断累积的挫败感，嗯
I just remember the growing frustration I felt Mhmm.
当时我一次次地付钱，不管是第三次约会、第四次约会还是第一次约会，从没有人停下来跟我讨论这个问题
Where I was paying date after date, you know, whether it was third date, fourth date, first date, whatever it was, and no one stopped to have a conversation with me about it.
没人停下来——我是说，没人坚持要跟我分摊
No one stopped I mean, no one stopped to fight me back.
但更重要的是，没有人告诉我这一刻意味着什么。
But also, more importantly, no one was talking to me about what this moment meant.
没有人跟我讨论财务状况。
No one was talking to me about finances.
你知道吗？没有人跟我讨论财务兼容性的问题。
No one was talking to me about financial compatibility, you know?
然后然后然后...我的大脑就觉得，我们避而不谈金钱问题简直太荒谬了。
And and then and then and then from there, my brain went, this is so ridiculous that we don't talk about money.
是啊。
Yeah.
是啊。
Yeah.
是啊。
Yeah.
这就像是个大忌讳。
It's like this big issue.
我们干脆避而不谈。
Let's just avoid it.
你懂我意思吧？
You know what I mean?
这个问题复杂到让人不想面对。
It's kinda too complicated to deal with.
虽然刚认识某人时确实会有这种感觉。
Although it does feel that way when you're getting to know someone.
总觉得提起这个话题有点失礼。
It feels kind of rude to bring it up.
所以我完全理解。
So I understand.
好吧。
But okay.
你感受到这种日益增长的挫败感。
You're feeling this growing frustration.
那然后呢？
So then what?
然后我的大脑就开始想，天哪。
Well, so then my brain went to, like, oh my god.
人们在恋爱中测试兼容性的方式有那么多，比开银行账户难多了。
Like, there's so many other ways that people test compatibility in a relationship that's so much harder than opening a bank account.
比如比如什么？
Like Like, what?
哦，我们一起养只宠物看看能不能养孩子。
Oh, let's let's let's get a pet together to see if we can raise a child.
然后你们分手了，还得讨论监护权。
Then you you break up, and then you have to discuss custody Yeah.
关于谁得到宠物。
Over who gets the pet.
你知道吗？
You know?
照顾好点点。
Take care of Spot.
完全同意。
Totally.
是啊。
Yeah.
没错。
Exactly.
或者你们一起搬进公寓同居，然后分手了，就得为谁分到什么家具而争吵，
Or you move in together into an apartment, and then you break up, and then you have to fight over who gets what furniture or,
比如，你现在说得还挺有说服力的。
like, gets You're kinda convincing me right now.
在纽约这样的城市里养狗住公寓？
A dog in apartment in a city like New York?
我觉得，如果关系出了问题，所有这些事情都很难理清。
I'm like, all those things are so tough to disentangle if something doesn't work.
而你说联名账户的话，只要去趟银行就能轻松搞定。
And you're saying with the checking account, you just kinda go to the bank and and it's done.
是的，安娜。
Yes, Anna.
那时候注销银行账户比取消健身房会员还容易。
At the time, it was easier to close a bank account than to cancel a gym membership.
天啊。
Oh my god.
健身房会员真的会想方设法不让你退订。
They really don't let you go on those gym memberships.
我得告诉你。
I'll have you know.
但对我来说，联名银行账户这件事，至少表面上看起来分量更重。
But still, the joint bank account of it all seems to me, at least on its face, to carry, like, a a bigger weight.
我在想这是为什么。
I wonder I wonder why.
你知道吗？
You know?
虽然听你分析同居和养宠物的事很有逻辑，但联名账户总让我觉得像是在宣告婚姻关系。
Like, I hear the apartment and the pet, and you're laying out a very logical argument, but I'm like, something about joint bank account screams like marriage to me.
哦，绝对是这样。
Oh, absolutely.
我甚至认识一些已婚夫妇至今仍不愿开设联名账户，因为他们对金钱的态度截然不同——金钱意味着保障，他们不愿共享分毫，生怕将来离婚。你看，人们对金钱确实可以有各种不同的态度。
I even know people who are married that still won't have a joint bank account because they're so like, they have such a different relationship with money, and money is protection, and I don't want to share any of it because we might get divorced and, you know, like, there's there's so many different relationships that people can have with money for sure.
所以对我来说，联名账户非常合理，我们可以按收入比例存入相同金额。
And so for me, a joint bank account made so much sense because we could each deposit the same amount of money if they if it was proportional to our incomes.
每月我们会固定存入一笔钱作为直接存款。
And it was a certain amount every month that we would direct deposit in.
这样我抢着买单时，仍能感到安心，因为我们都在平等地为这个账户做贡献。
And then I could fight for the bill and still feel like behind the scenes I was taken care of because we were equally contributing to this account.
所以你再次给出了非常理性的论据，说明开设联名账户实际上并不像听起来那么麻烦。
So you're laying out, again, like a very logical argument for why opening a joint bank account actually isn't such a logistical lift as it might sound like.
但与此同时，你知道，人们不会随便养狗。
But at the same time, you know, people don't get a dog.
应该说多数人不会在第三次约会时就养狗或同居，这些你用来类比的事情。
Well, I'll say many people don't get a dog or get an apartment, all these things you're comparing it to on the third date, right, on an early date.
那么你能描述下计划中，你打算如何在相识初期向对方提出这个想法吗？
So can you describe the part of your plan where you wanted to sort of float this to someone in the early stages of getting to know them?
这里的逻辑是什么？
Like, what was the logic there?
根本没什么逻辑，安娜。
There was no logic, Anna.
我只是太累了。
I was just so tired.
在我三十出头的时候，真的厌倦了约会时反复遇到这个问题，我彻底受够了。
So at this point in my, like, early thirties where I was, like, really tired of going on date after date after date where this kept coming up, I was just fed up.
我当时就想，好吧。
I And was like, okay.
这就是我的计划，这样做会引发对方的反应，对我来说很有启发性，然后我再根据情况调整。
This is what I'm gonna do, and this is going to cause a reaction in the other person that's going to be very revealing to me, and then I'll go from there.
所以你们会以双方名义开这个账户，然后呢？
So you'd open up this account in both your names, and then you'd what?
我原本想的是每月按收入比例直接存入一笔钱。
In my brain, it was once a month, we would do a direct deposit that was proportional to our incomes.
你们会按比例分摊。
You'd prorate it.
非常聪明。
Very smart.
对。
Yep.
然后，没错，借记卡上会印我们俩的名字。
And then, yeah, both our names would be on the debit cards.
你们会不会在卡上印合照之类的？
And would you get, like, I don't know, a picture of you guys on the card?
还是说有什么特别设计？
Or what was the thing?
想做到那种程度吗。
Wanna go that far.
嗯。
Yeah.
是啊。
Yeah.
不行。
You can't.
对。
Yeah.
你不能那么做。
You can't do that.
那样太疯狂了。
That that'd be insane.
我能问一下，你觉得这个联名账户里该有多少钱吗？
Can I ask, like, how much would you imagine would be in this joint bank account?
当时我计算了在这些约会晚餐上花了多少钱。
So at the time, I I calculated how much I was spending on these dinner dates.
我确实做了调查。
And I really did your research.
是的。
Yes.
我认真考虑过这件事。
I really thought about this.
这真的让我很困扰。
It was really bothering me.
我想我每月要花上千美元——哇哦。
I think I was spending upwards of a thousand dollars a month Woah.
在约会晚餐上。
On dinner dates.
这可是旧金山湾区。
This is San Francisco Bay Area.
明白。
So Copy that.
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那里的物价真的很高。
Everything is really expensive there.
外出消费太贵了。
Going out is so expensive.
好的。
Okay.
其实我原本想在提案里从更低的金额开始，比如500美元，这样更容易实现。
In my brain, I had wanted to start off in my proposal with something even lower, something more manageable, like $500.
所以每人250美元，考虑到当地物价水平，这看起来更合理，对吧？
So $250 per person, which seems more reasonable, right, given how expensive everything was in
旧金山。
San Francisco.
如果上限设为一千美元，那就很难了。
With a thousand at the top, it would be hard.
是啊。
Yeah.
那绝对不可能同意。
It would be a hard no.
我故意把这个提议说得既疯狂又离谱。
I wanted to make this as crazy and bonkers as it sounded.
但实际上我想让它听起来相当合理且容易——
I wanted this to actually sound quite logical and quite easy to
实现。
do.
嗯。
Mhmm.
你有没有担心过，当你提出这个联名账户时，对方会同意，但之后可能卷款跑路？
Did you worry that you'd propose this joint bank account and this guy would agree to it, but then he'd, like, take all the money and leave town.
你担心过这种情况发生吗？
Were you worried about that happening?
噢，当然担心过。
Oh, yes.
我担心自己会被占便宜。
I was worried about being taken advantage of.
是的。
Yes.
绝对如此。
Absolutely.
所以我才没提议投一千美元进去。
Which is why I didn't propose putting in a thousand dollars.
你懂吧？
You know?
天啊。
Oh my god.
500美元，其实我们俩各出2.5美元，就算这事搞砸了也亏得起。
$500, you know, really $2.50 between the two of us felt like an okay amount to lose if this thing turned into Woah.
有人卷走我的钱。
A guy taking off with my money.
对啊。
Yeah.
所以最坏情况确实在你预想中。
So that worst case scenario was, like, truly in your mind.
你当时觉得那是有可能发生的。
You were like, that's possible.
他可能直接卷款跑路。
He could just take the money and run.
没错。
Yes.
千真万确。
Absolutely.
嗯，这倒是个万无一失的方法，能确认那家伙绝非你的真命天子。
Well, that would be a surefire way to know that guy was not your guy.
我说得对吧？
Am I right?
完全正确。
Exactly.
是啊。
Yeah.
虽然损失了250美元，但能确定这家伙绝对不是我未来要嫁的人，这钱花得值。
$250 lost, but knowing that this guy was definitely not someone I was ever gonna marry was worth the money.
不过我得说，就算是2.5美元，这也算是个风险。
I will just say, though, like, $2.50, that's still a risk.
在我看来，无论怎么算，这都不是笔小数目。
And to me, that shows like, that's a chunk of change no matter which way you slice it.
我觉得这能看出你当时是认真的，对这个计划是动真格的。
And I feel like it shows me that you were, like, you were, like, serious about this plan.
你甚至愿意承担金钱损失。
Like, you were willing to lose money.
可见你对此事有多认真。
That's how serious you were about it.
没错。
Yeah.
我当时在脑子里是这么盘算的：这总比我之前抢着买单、顿顿请客的花销要少。
I mean, the way I rationalized it in my head was it was still less than I was paying when I was constantly fighting to pay the bill and paying for every single dinner.
所以我就想，这比我之前约会投入的还是要少些。
So in my mind, I was like, oh, it's still less than what I was investing in previous dates.
你当时就想，听着。
You're like, look.
我实在不能再多花一分钱了
I couldn't be spending any more money
在这些约会上了
on these dates.
告诉我
Tell me.
你把这个提案打磨得近乎完美
You had this pitch perfected as it were.
你有了这个想法，所有要点都考虑周全
You had this idea, all of the different points locked down.
你还做了调研
You'd researched it.
真正见真章的时刻是当你向人推销时
The real rubber meets the road when you actually pitch it to a person.
告诉我你向谁推销了这个想法
Tell me who the person you pitched this idea to was.
那个人是谁，那个幸运儿是谁？
Who who was the guy, the lucky guy?
他叫阿顿，那是我们的第三次约会
His name is Adon, and it was our third date.
嗯
Mhmm.
我们在Bumble上认识的
We had met on Bumble.
我对他了解不多
I didn't know much about him.
是啊
Yeah.
我知道他来自爱尔兰。
I knew he he was from Ireland.
我知道他刚从商学院毕业，这是他在旧金山科技行业的第一年。
I knew he had just gotten out of business school and was his first year in tech in San Francisco.
我还知道他住在圣马特奥，离我当时居住的旧金山大约二十分钟车程。
And I knew he lived in San Mateo, is about twenty minutes away from me in San Francisco where I was living at the time.
嗯。
Mhmm.
除此之外，我对他了解不多。
Beyond that, I didn't know much else about him.
不过我的确能感觉到他的举止和性格——他是个非常平静、温和的人，非常善良。
I did know, though, if I were to perceive anything about his demeanor or his personality, it was that he was quite calm, gentle kind of soul, like, very kind.
你知道，当一个人走进门时，你立刻就能感受到他们的气质。
You know, immediately when someone walks in the door, you can kind of sense who they are.
就像，哦，这种类型的人，让我重新组织下语言，我...
Like, oh, this is the kind of guy, like, you know so let me back up and say, I Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
当一个人走进房间时，我会立刻想象如果结婚后和他们生活会是什么样子。
When a person walks in the room, I can instantly project or fantasize about what life might be like with them if I were married.
有些男人一进门就会让你觉得'哦，这是那种能和我一起跳伞的类型'。
And, you know, some some guys just walk into the room are like, oh, this is the kind of guy I'm gonna go jump out of a plane with.
懂吗？
You know?
这就是我们将要共同经历的生活。
And that's that's gonna be our life together.
当艾登走进房间时，我就想'哦，这是那种能和我一起品茶，看着羊群从窗前草地经过的人'。
And when Eidon walked into the room, I was like, oh, this is the kind of guy I'm gonna enjoy a cup of tea with as we watch sheep cross the meadows from our window.
知道吗？
Know?
明白。
Dig it.
是啊。
Yeah.
那个，你觉得有吸引力吗？
Was that, like, attractive to you?
你想要那个吗？
Did you want that?
老实说，当时我并不这么认为。
I didn't think so at the time, to be honest.
那时候我还处在人生中渴望和某人一起跳伞的阶段。
Like, I was still in the phase of my life where I wanted to be jumping out of planes with someone.
所以和Adon开设联名账户这个提议没什么损失，因为我觉得他不是我喜欢的类型。
And so there was nothing to lose with Adon and this pitch for a joint pay account because I was like, he's not quite my type.
但他是
But He's the
便宜的那个。
cheap guy.
我想要普通的那款。
I want the plain guy.
对。
Yeah.
没错。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
是啊。
Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
有意思。
Interesting.
所以你当时感觉这事风险不大。
So you kind of were like, it felt low stakes.
是的。
Yes.
我觉得对面坐着的那个男人和我们的关系似乎没什么风险。
It felt the the man sitting across from me and our relationship felt low stakes.
但提议开联名账户绝对是高风险行为，因为那是我第一次真正敞开心扉。
But the proposal to do a joint bank account was certainly very high stakes because it was the first time that I felt like I was really putting myself out there.
说实话，我可能向任何人提出这个建议。
To be honest, like, he could have been anyone that I pitched this to.
在网恋中这并不重要。
With online dating, it doesn't matter.
对吧？
Right?
比如这次约会失败了，你完全可以再约下一个，然后再下一个。
Like, if this date was a bust, you just go on another date, and then you go on another date after that.
你懂我意思吧？
You know?
我觉得你刚才说的这个区别非常重要。
I think that's a really important distinction you just made.
那个男人本身并不重要，但这个提议很重要。
The guy didn't matter so much, but this pitch did.
我想再深入探讨一下这个问题。
And I guess I wanna push on that a little.
就像，你当时在害怕什么情况会发生？
It's like, what were you afraid would happen?
你会做这个提案。
You'd make this pitch.
这是经过充分研究的。
It's well researched.
很严谨。
It's tight.
你还有演示文稿。
You have a deck.
我开玩笑的，但你确实可以准备个演示文稿。
I'm joking, but you might as well have a deck.
你知道，比如，如果这个人拒绝了你，你害怕会发生什么？
You know, like, what were you afraid would happen if this person said no?
我是说，我觉得他拒绝其实也无所谓。
I mean, I guess it doesn't matter if he said no.
你直接去找下一个人提案就行了。
You just pitched to the next person.
但确实，你这次约会中展现出了前所未有的开放态度。
But, yeah, you were opening up in this way you hadn't before on a date.
是啊。
Yeah.
我确实准备了演示文稿，安娜。
I did have a deck, Anna.
哦，你准备了。
Oh, you did.
我本来打算需要的时候再拿出来。
Gonna I was going to bring it out if I needed to.
真的吗？
You did?
你包里是不是有台iPad？
You have, like, an iPad in
你的包里？
your bag?
在我手机上。
On my phone.
但说实话，如果他们拒绝了我的提议，我会觉得他们是在拒绝我这个人，因为我在约会中花了太多精力去扮演一个我以为别人会喜欢的晚餐对象。
But, honestly, if they rejected my proposal, it would have felt like they were rejecting me because I spent so much of my dating experience trying to be someone I thought people wanted to be sitting across from at dinner.
对吧？
Right?
我年轻时，尤其是高中那几年，一直在否定自己中国的那部分身份，拼命想融入主流社会。
I spent so many years of my youth, especially teenage high school years, rejecting the Chinese side of my of my identity and trying to fit into mainstream.
直到我提出联名账户这个想法的瞬间，我才终于感觉在做真实的自己。
And it wasn't until that moment where I had the idea to pitch this joint bank account that I finally felt like I was bringing myself to the table.
我终于能把所有隐藏的东西展现给那个可能要共度余生的人。
I was finally bringing all the stuff that I felt like I was hiding to the person that I would potentially be spending the rest of my life from.
当时我就在想：为什么要对这个人隐藏这些？
And in my mind, I was thinking, why would I hide this from this person?
既然我约会的目标是找到想共度余生的人，那这部分自我就不该继续隐藏下去了。
Like, if I'm on this date with a objective to find the person I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with, this is not an aspect of myself I wanted I I should hide any longer.
所以，如果阿登拒绝我，我肯定会崩溃的。
And so, yeah, if Adon rejected me, I would have been crushed.
哇。
Wow.
但我告诉自己，还有下一个人呢。
But then I told myself, there's the next guy Yeah.
以及下下个人。
And the guy after that.
所以也许没关系。
So maybe it's okay.
也许这次我可以勇敢一次。
Maybe I can be bold for once.
我们马上回来。
We'll be right back.
《纽约时报》应用里有很多你可能没看过的内容。
The New York Times app has all this stuff that you may not have seen.
我可以立即找到符合我现在心情的内容。
I can immediately navigate to something that matches what I'm feeling.
标签页都集中在顶部，分成不同板块。
The way the tabs are at the top with all of the different sections.
这样浏览起来更方便。
It's just easier to navigate that way.
总有一款适合你。
There is something for everyone.
那些个性化页面，YouTube那个是我的最爱。
Those personalized page, the YouTube, that one's my favorite.
我也可以在这个区域轻松保存文章。
I can also save my articles easily in this area.
作者署名下方就有'点击此处收听本文'的选项。
Right under the byline, it says click here if you like to listen to this article.
我喜欢顶部的烹饪标签页，真的很容易找到。
I like that the cooking tab on top is really easily accessible.
如果我正在回家的路上，心里想着：晚餐该做点什么呢？
So if I'm on my way home and I'm just thinking, oh, what am I gonna make for dinner?
我会快速打开烹饪应用，看看厨房里有什么现成的食材。
I'll just quickly go on to cooking and say, oh, I've got this in my pantry.
我打算尝试这里面看到的一些食谱。
I'm gonna try out some of these recipes I see in here.
我总是会去玩游戏。
I go to games always.
玩玩迷你游戏，玩玩Wordle猜词。
Doing the mini, doing the Wordle.
我很喜欢它向我展示的丰富内容。
I loved how much content it exposed me to.
那些我从未想过会在新闻应用中看到的内容。
Things that I never would have thought to turn to a news app for.
这个应用必不可少。
This app is essential.
《纽约时报》应用。
The New York Times app.
所有资讯，尽在一处。
All of the times, all in one place.
立即在nytimes.com/app下载。
Download it now at nytimes.com/app.
于是你来到了这个约会。
So you get to this date.
这是你和艾顿的第三次约会。
It's your third date with Eidon.
手机里已经下载好了Pitch应用。
Pitch is loaded up on the phone.
带我回到那个时刻。
Bring me into that moment.
你在餐桌旁坐下。
You sit down at the table.
你是不是一开始就提这件事
Do you bring it up right at the beginning of
用餐时？
the meal?
不。
No.
我确保我们享用了一顿非常愉快的晚餐。
I make sure we have a really lovely meal.
我特意点了非常美味的食物，我们尽情享受，聊得很开心。
I made sure to order, like, really good food, and we we were enjoying ourselves, had great conversation.
所以当账单放到桌上时，我就能顺势提出这个请求。
So that when the moment came, when the bill landed on the table, I could make this presentation.
给我放慢节奏讲讲。
Slow this down for me.
服务员放下账单。
The waiter drops it off.
通常你会急着抢单。
Normally, you'd claw for this.
但你这次做了什么？
What do you do instead?
我说，嘿。
I say, hey.
能耽误你一分钟说件事吗？
Can I talk to you about something for a second?
就是这一刻。
It's about this moment.
我不知道。
I don't know.
检查了我的牙齿。
Did my teeth.
我说我记不清还说了什么，但大概是，你知道的，这一刻对我和我的家人意义重大。
And I say I don't remember exactly what else what I said, but it was something like, you know, this moment means a lot to me and to my family.
你也注意到了前两次约会，我都坚持要付账，而你也没有反对。
And as you've noticed the first two dates, I've fought you to pay for this bill, and you didn't fight me back.
你就让我付了，这没问题，但让我解释下我的期望。
You just let me pay, which is okay, but let me explain what my expectation is.
我解释了我们的家庭传统，也说了他可能很难凭直觉理解这一点。
And I explained my family ritual, and I explained that it would be hard for him to, like, intuitively understand it.
所以我的提议是开一个联名银行账户。
And so what I would what I'm proposing to you is a joint bank account.
然后，当然可以。
And then, of course yeah.
当然，他当时就懵了，什么？
Of course, he's just like, what?
我知道。
I know.
我正要说，好吧。
I was gonna say, okay.
我们支持你，然后镜头一转。
We're with you, then the camera pans.
当你说到'所以我'时，他脸上是什么表情
What's his face doing when you say and so I
提议讲个笑话。
propose telling a joke.
他以为我在开玩笑。
He thinks I'm I'm joking.
他呢，就在那儿笑。
He's, like, he's laughing.
然后
And then
你就说，不。
you're like, no.
我是认真的。
I'm serious.
是啊。
Yeah.
我还得摆出一副严肃的表情。
And I had to like, there was seriousness on my face.
所以我得等他注意到我的表情。
So I had to wait for him to register my expression.
感觉那是最漫长的停顿。
And it felt like the longest pause ever.
仿佛全世界都屏住呼吸，等着他意识到我对这个提议是认真的。
It felt like the whole world took a breath to wait for him to realize I was serious about this proposal.
当他终于明白我不是在开玩笑时，他的肢体语言说明了一切。
And then when he realized I wasn't joking, of course, his body language said it all.
他就像那样交叉双臂。
It was like he crossed his arms.
他还微微后仰靠在椅子上，好像要躲开我似的。
He kind of leaned back in his chair like he was trying to get away from me.
哦，不。
Oh, no.
哦，不。
Oh, no.
哦，不。
Oh, no.
那让你感觉如何？
And how did that make you feel?
天啊。
Oh my god.
我开始紧张了。
I started I nervous.
我当时非常焦虑。
I was so anxious.
我开始明白，之前和你说的关于银行账户逻辑的那些话，我可能只是在那套逻辑里狂奔。
I started know, everything I said to you earlier about the logic behind the bank account, I was probably just racing through that logic.
我的天。
My god.
话语从我嘴里不断蹦出来。
Words were spilling out of my mouth.
我完全不知道自己在说什么。
I had no idea what I was saying.
我希望自己说的至少是某种逻辑。
I was saying some kind of logic, hopefully.
但我能记住的只有这种肢体语言。
But all I could remember was just this body language.
就像是，在慢慢从我身边抽离。
It was just, like, slowly pulling away from me.
要是他能做到的话，他早就穿墙而逃了，墙上会留下一个8字形的人形窟窿。
If there if he could, he would have ran through the wall, and there would have been an eight on shaped hole in the wall.
你懂吗？
You know?
那种程度的不适感，是我给我们俩共同制造的。
Like, that was the the level of discomfort I had created for both of us.
当然，账单来了，我直接付了钱，因为我对让他遭受这些感到非常抱歉。
And, of course, the bill came, and I just paid for it because I felt so bad for, like, what I subjected him to.
天啊。
Oh my god.
等等。
Wait.
所以账单等等。
So the bill wait.
所以账单来了。
So the bill came.
你说，我有事想和你谈谈。
You're like, I wanna talk to you about something.
你开始推销。
You do the pitch.
他看起来真的不感兴趣。
He seems to really not be into it.
然后你说，知道吗？
And then you're like, you know what?
去他的。
Screw this.
然后你直接把信用卡拍在桌上。
And then you just put your credit card down.
比如，你就这样结束你的推销了？
Like, that's how you ended that pitch?
是啊。
Yeah.
是啊。
Yeah.
我当时就想，你知道吗？
And I was like, you know what?
我让他经历了这段三次约会关系中最尴尬的时刻。
I just subjected him to the most uncomfortable moment in this three date relationship.
我就直接买单了，然后我们就撤了。
I'm just gonna take care of the bill, and, you know, we're just gonna peace out.
他八成要玩消失了。
He's probably gonna ghost me.
我再也见不到这家伙了。
I'm never gonna see this guy again.
然后我们就直接离开了餐厅。
So then we just leave the restaurant.
哇哦。
Woah.
让我们先在这里停留片刻。
And let me just let's just linger here for a second.
你当时开车或坐BART回家时——我不知道你怎么从这次约会回去的——但当时你感觉如何？
How did you feel when you were driving or on the BART, I don't know how you're getting home from this date, but how were you feeling?
我觉得我还在从刚才的经历中缓过神来。
I think I was still recovering from having gone through it.
我并没有特别在意被拒绝什么的。
Like, I wasn't necessarily thinking about being rejected or whatever.
就像是，哇哦，那种感觉。
It was just like, oh, wow.
我的身体还处于做完那件事的余震中。
My body was still in aftershock of having done that.
然后过了几个小时，我才缓过神来，心想好吧。
And then only afterwards, like, a few hours later that I was like, okay.
我对自己说，好吧。
I I told myself, I was like, okay.
你做到了。
You did it.
你提出了自己的需求。
You asked for what you wanted.
虽然这个人没满足你，但我还可以约别人。
You didn't get it from this guy, but there's another guy that I could go on a date with Yeah.
我会再尝试一次的。
That I'm gonna try again with.
所以我觉得这绝对是信心掩盖了失望。
So I think it was confidence masking disappointment for sure.
但我不想放弃。
But I didn't wanna give up on it.
我知道自己不能放弃。
Like, I knew I couldn't give up on it.
所以你没想到会再收到Adon的消息？
So you weren't expecting to hear from Adon again?
没有。
No.
嗯哼。
Mm-mm.
以为一切都结束了。
Thought it was over.
我原以为他会玩消失，会把我电话拉黑，会举报我，会在Bumble上把我标记成骗子。
I was expecting him to ghost me, to block me on his phone, to report me, to Bumble as a scam artist.
但后来他发短信了。
But then he texted.
我不记得具体时间了，可能是几天后吧，反正就是那时候。
I can't remember when, like, if it was a few days later, whatever it was.
收到他的消息真的很意外，但他发来信息说：嘿。
I was really surprised to hear from him, but he texted, hey.
我们在旧金山的一家银行见面开这个账户吧。
Let's meet at a bank in San Francisco and open this account.
好吧。
Okay.
史上最浪漫的短信。
Most romantic text ever.
好吧。
Okay.
我们在银行见面开这个账户吧。
Let's meet at a bank and open this account.
这在你看来基本算是调情短信了。
That's basically a sext to you at this point.
在我的世界里确实如此。
To in my world, yes.
哇哦。
Wow.
好吧。
Okay.
那你感觉如何？
So how did you feel?
这对你来说太意外了。
That's so unexpected for you.
我当时就想，好吧，放马过来吧。
I was like, okay, game on.
我们干就完了。
We're doing this.
就是，好吧。
Like, okay.
他完全相信了我的说辞。
He totally bought my pitch.
你当时就想，我就知道这主意很棒。
You're like, I knew it was I knew it was great.
这是无可否认的。
It was undeniable.
甚至都不用亮出那玩意儿。
Didn't even have to bring out the dick.
是啊。
Yeah.
我们马上回来。
We'll be right back.
好，他说在银行见面。
Okay, so he says meet at a bank.
对。
Yeah.
他选了旧金山的一家银行。
He had picked a bank in San Francisco.
我当时就想，你知道吗？
And I was like, know what?
不。
No.
不。
No.
不。
No.
在我脑海里，我一直在说不行。
In my in my brain, I was like, no.
不。
No.
我得尽量让他觉得这事容易办。
I gotta make this as easy for him as possible.
所以我选了他居住地圣马特奥的一家银行，离他公寓只有六分钟步行距离。
And so I picked a bank in San Mateo where he lived, and it was only a six minute walk away from his apartment.
这样我知道就算他临时反悔，转身回家的距离也很短。
So I knew that there was like a short distance to get cold feet and to turn around.
我本来想说你这人真好，结果发现完全是战略考量。
I was gonna say that's nice of you, but it turns out it was purely strategic.
在进去之前，你有没有问他是什么让他改变了主意？
Before you go in, like, did you ask him, what changed your mind?
要知道，你之前表现得非常不情愿。
You know, you seemed really not into it.
我当时深信是我的绝妙提案和无可辩驳的逻辑说服了他。
I was so convinced that it was because of my brilliant proposal, like, my undefeatable logic, that, like, convinced him.
不过我得说，我们在银行门口碰面时气氛很尴尬。
But I will say, like, we met in front of the bank, and it was awkward.
就像我们没有拥抱或亲吻，你知道，就是见面时通常会做的那些动作。
It was like we didn't hug or kiss, you know, like, do that thing where you do when you greet each other.
但他的肢体语言仍然说明了一切。
And his body language still spoke volumes.
他仍然双臂交叉抱在胸前。
It was still like arms crossed against his chest.
他就像是在机械地走流程，但并没有真正理解正在发生的事情。
He was kind of just there to going through the motions, but hadn't really processed what was happening.
我当时就想，你就接受吧。
I was just like, you know, just take it.
接受他现在的状态。
Take it for what he's here.
我们就这么做。
We're gonna do this.
你的部分不会有任何问题。
No fires for yours.
你知道吗？
You know?
类似这样还是怎样？
Like or what?
但你有没有因此担心，虽然他嘴上说愿意，但实际上...
But were you but was that worrying to you that he was like, yeah.
他说他想这么做，但显然他可能没那么直觉敏锐。
He was saying he wanted to do it, but he clearly wasn't, like, maybe that intuitive.
我是说，我确实问过他，你确定要这样吗？
I mean, I did ask him, are you sure about this?
因为我没直接说，但你的肢体语言和你嘴上说的完全相反。
Because and I didn't necessarily say because your body is saying everything opposite of what your mouth is saying.
但她就是那种，好吧。
But she's like, yes.
我确定。
I'm sure.
所以我就想，行吧。
So I was like, okay.
我们就这么办了。
We're doing this.
然后我们就走进去了。
And so we walk in.
我们没预约，但你知道，他们当时不忙。
We didn't have an appointment, but, you know, they weren't busy.
我们坐下后说要开个联名银行账户。
And we sat down and we said we wanna open a joint bank account.
然后
And
等等。
Wait.
银行柜员有问类似，你们结婚多久了之类的问题吗？
Did the bank teller ask like, so how long you guys been married or something?
就是，有没有那种
Like, did that
我是说，他们默认我们刚结婚要开这个账户。
come I mean, the assumption is that we we just got married and we're opening this bank account.
懂吧？
You know?
嗯。
Yeah.
那你有没有告诉他们我们其实刚认识？
And so did you tell them like we actually just met?
说了。
Yes.
他们什么反应？
How did they react?
好吧。
Okay.
这不太寻常。
That's unusual.
不过生意
But business
归生意。
is business.
让我跟你讲讲透支费的事。
So let me tell you about overdraft fees.
知道吗？
You know?
是啊，那一刻就我们俩对视着，心想'好吧，就这么着吧'。
So yeah, it was quite a moment where it was just like the two of us were looking at each other and we're like, yeah, this is let's just go through this.
这是我们第四次约会，但我们就假装这是完全正常的第四次约会行为。
This is our fourth date, but we're just gonna pretend that this is totally normal fourth date behavior.
你在看细则条款的时候，有没有担心他会突然反悔？
At any point when you were sort of going over the fine print, were you worried he would, like, pull out?
当然有。
Absolutely.
你在那儿的整个过程中，我都在担心他会突然反悔。
The whole time you were there, I was worried he was gonna pull out.
我每分每秒都在关注他，确保这件事对他来说仍然没问题。
Every second I had to look over, I was checking in on him to make sure this was still okay for him.
让我惊讶的是，当我们最终签署文件时，他花了异常长的时间仔细阅读这个银行账户的条款和条件。
And what surprised me was, when we finally got to signing the documents, he spent an inordinate amount of time reading through the terms and conditions of this bank account.
通常这种东西我都会直接签字放弃权利，你知道的，我根本不会看。
And it's normally something that I would just, like, sign my life away for, you know, like, I'm I don't read it.
对。
Right.
字太小了，不值得花时间看。
It's Too small to to take time to look at.
但他却一页接一页地仔细阅读条款和条件，甚至让我感到恼火，因为这本来应该15分钟搞定的事，硬是拖成了45分钟的漫长过程。
But he was going through page after page and after page of of, terms and conditions to the point where I was getting annoyed because I was like, this was supposed to be a fifteen minute thing, and it's turning into a forty five minute experience.
这说明什么
What does that
这对你意味着什么？他表现得如此谨慎认真？
mean to you, though, that he was doing such, like, due diligence?
他是认真的。
He was serious about it.
他对此非常认真。
He was very serious about it.
我几乎感觉...我是说，我无法...虽然我读不懂他的心思，但感觉他是在花时间真正思考这意味着什么，这个联名账户意味着什么，这段关系的条款是什么，签署这份文件对我们的关系和共同生活意味着什么。
And I it almost felt like I couldn't get I mean, I I'm not in his brain, but it felt like he was taking the time to really think about what this meant, what this joint bank account meant, what the terms and conditions of this relationship was, of what signing this document meant for our relationship and our time together.
所以...你...你们最后
So so you you get do you
这次预约是以拿到借记卡结束的吗？
end this appointment with your debit cards?
你们手里拿着新办的借记卡了吗？
Like, you have your new debit cards in hand?
我们当时用的是临时借记卡。
We had temporary debit cards.
是的。
Yep.
哇。
Wow.
嗯。
Mhmm.
那一刻对我来说意义重大，因为我终于得到了梦寐以求的东西。
And it felt like such a big moment for me because it felt like I finally got what I wanted.
就像是，这终于实体化了我对约会如此沮丧的问题的解决方案，现在我终于可以握在手中，终于能在恋爱关系中做真实的自己了。
Like, I finally this was the physical manifestation of the thing that I was that frustrated me so much about dating that I had found a solution for and that I finally had in my hands, you know, and that I could finally use to be myself in a relationship.
所以你当时是说'我们现在就去吃饭吧'这样吗？
So were you like, let's go to dinner right now?
对。
Yeah.
想去吃午饭吗？
You wanna go have lunch?
好啊。
Yeah.
之后我们去吃了午饭，也是为了摆脱那次约会带来的尴尬感。
We went to lunch after that, just to shake off all the weirdness of that date too.
就是想回归正常约会的流程，比如吃个午饭或喝杯咖啡什么的。
Was like, let's go back to some sense of normalcy for what a full date is supposed to look like, which is a lunch or coffee or something.
现在有了新借记卡，账单来的时候感觉如何？
So how did it feel when the bill came now that you have your new debit cards?
那是什么感觉？
What was that like?
你做了什么？
What did you do?
感觉如释重负。
It felt like such relief.
就像，感觉我终于不用再那么别扭了。
Like, it felt like I didn't have to, like, be uncomfortable anymore.
感觉可以做真实的自己，而且他似乎与我很合拍。你知道，他并没有在这件事上和我争执，毕竟账单的事嘛。
It felt like I could just be myself, and it felt like he was on the same page with me, And you it's it's like he didn't fight me back, you know, on it because again, it's On the bill.
就是这次午餐的账单。
On the bill at this luncheon.
没有和我争。
Didn't fight me back.
他没有抢着买单。
He didn't fight me to pay the bill.
他让我付了钱。
He let me pay.
当然，我也明白不能指望他和我争着付账。
And of course, I'm like, I can't expect him to fight me back.
对吧？
Right?
这只是我和家人的习惯。
That's just something my family and I do.
毕竟他不是中国人。
Like, he's not Chinese.
他不会懂的。
He wouldn't understand.
这对来说他并不自然。
It's not intuitive to him.
是啊。
Yeah.
但他开了联名账户这个事实，让我在抢着买单时，不会觉得自己被抢劫或占了便宜。
But the fact that he opened a joint bank account, the fact that, like, me fighting for the bill, can happen without me feeling like I I was being robbed or feeling like I was being taken advantage over.
感觉像安全网。
Feeling like safety net.
没错。
Yeah.
正是如此。
Exactly.
所以那一刻感觉棒极了。
And so that moment felt glorious.
而且交易成功了。
And it went through.
对吧？
Right?
比如可以用你刚开的支票账户里的钱。
Like, can use money from a checking account that you just set up.
我不确定。
I don't know.
因为糟糕的结局可能是，你骄傲地掏出新办的联名借记卡，结果店员说：女士，这张卡被拒付了。
Because the the bad end to this is like, you're, like, proudly put down your new joint debit card, they're like, ma'am, this was declined.
那会非常搞笑。
That would be really funny.
通常
Usually
但这事没发生。
but it didn't happen.
它过去了
It went
它顺利通过了
It went through.
所以你只是每两周往里面存了那么多钱
So you just you deposited however much money into it biweekly.
每次出去约会，你都会用那张借记卡
And anytime you went out to dates, you would use that debit card.
是的
Yep.
所以它奏效了
So it worked.
它奏效了
It worked.
难道你们因为开了这个支票账户就自动成为男女朋友了吗？
And were you, like, automatically boyfriend and girlfriend because you'd opened up this checking account?
之后关系是怎么发展的？
How did the relationship progress from there?
哦，天哪
Oh, gosh.
我们从来没有进行过'定义关系'的对话
We never had the DTR conversation.
哇
Wow.
你们真的没有
You guys are really not
聊太多
talking about much.
不。
No.
但这很有趣，因为，我记得在其他关系中，'让我们定义关系'的对话也同样令人焦虑。
But it's so funny because, like, I I remember with other relationships that def let's define the relationship conversation was also really fraught.
但几乎就像Swank银行账户开通的那一刻，我们就认定了彼此。
But it was almost like when the Swank bank account opened, we were each other's person.
你懂吗？
You know?
就像我们不仅在财务上联系在一起，还通过这个银行账户在象征意义上连接在一起。
It's like we were linked to each other financially, but also symbolically through this bank account.
就像，我们正在一起做这件事。
Like, we were doing this thing together.
我们把这当作我们的兼容性测试。
We had taken this was our compatibility test.
你知道，这是我们迈向承诺的第一步。
You know, this was our our first step towards commitment.
所以我们不需要进行'定义关系'的对话。
And so we didn't need to have the DTR conversation.
因为那种
Because that kind of
就是这样。
was it.
开通银行账户对你们来说就是定义关系的对话。
The opening of the bank account, yeah, was the defining the relationship conversation for you guys.
是啊。
Yeah.
哇。
Wow.
现在我要剧透一下，你们已经结婚九年了。
And now I will do a spoiler, which is you've been married for nine years.
对吧？
Right?
是的。
Yes.
我们在一起九年了。
We've been together nine years.
是的。
Yes.
你们在一起九年了。
You've been together nine years.
是的。
Yes.
结婚多少年了？
Married how many?
我想是七年。
I think seven.
我都记不清了。
I've lost count.
嗯。
Mhmm.
这个联名银行账户还在用吗？
Is this joint bank account still active?
我们唯一再次讨论这件事，是在我们关闭那个账户去开一个福利更好的联名账户时。
So the only time we ever talked about it again was when we closed that account to open an another joint bank account with better benefits.
关闭那个支票账户时，感觉是不是有点...我不知道，既甜蜜又苦涩？这个问题我从来没想过会问别人，但确实如此吗？
Did it feels did it feel, I don't know, bittersweet to sunset that checking account, which is not a question I ever thought I'd ask someone, but did it?
确实如此。
It did.
对我来说确实如此。
For me, it did.
是啊。
Yeah.
因为那是属于我的时刻。
Because it was my moment.
你知道吗？
You know?
那就像是我第一次真正为自己在乎的重要事情开口争取，而且我得到了。
It was like the first time I ever asked for what I wanted that meant something to me in such a huge important way, and I got it.
所以当我们注销那个账户时，很伤感，因为那就像是，哦，那是我人生关键时刻的一部分，对我们关系至关重要的时刻，改变了我们之后的人生，你明白吗？
And so when we closed the account, it was sad, you know, because it was like, oh, that's a part of that moment for me in our relationship that was so crucial that changed the rest of our lives, you know?
但现在我们有很多联名账户了。
But now we have lots of joint bank accounts.
就像是
It's like
少了十几个。
Down a dozen.
哦，天哪。
Oh, gosh.
嗯，我现在想问，既然你们在一起九年了，你有没有问过他？
Well, I wanna ask now, like, did you ever ask him now that you've been, you know, together for nine years?
你有没有问过他，在第三次约会结束到银行见面之间的那几天里，他脑子里在想什么？
Did you ask him what was going through his mind in those, like, days between ending the third date and meeting at the bank?
他怎么说？
What did he say?
你知道吗，我一直以为是因为我的说辞特别有说服力。
You know, I had always thought it was because I had such a solid pitch.
但直到多年后，当我把这个故事分享给朋友们时，其中一个人问道：'他就这么同意和你开联名账户了？'
But it wasn't till years later when I was sharing the story with friends when one of them asked, you know, so he just agreed to open a joint bank account with you?
因为，当然，就像，
Because, of course, like,
怎么会有人这么做呢？
why would anyone do that?
然后我的回应是：'没错，他就是这么做了。'
And then my my my response was, yeah, he did.
我的说辞很有说服力。
I had a solid pitch.
他信了。
He bought it.
你懂吗？
You know?
他真的完全相信了我的话。
He really leaned into what I was saying.
直到那天晚上我才突然想到，我其实应该问问他这是不是真的。
And it only occurred to me that night that I should actually ask him if that was true.
于是我回到家，对他说：'嘿，'
So I went home, and I said, hey.
你还记得我们做的那件疯狂的事吗？
Do you remember that crazy thing we did?
我当时说：'那是因为你相信了我的说辞。'
I was like, it's because you bought my pitch.
对吧？
Right?
然后他就说，不行。
And he was like, no.
不行。
No.
不行。
No.
你当时简直疯了。
You were bonkers.
我答应是因为我需要经济保障。
I said yes because I needed financial stability.
我刚到这个国家还不到（此处语义不完整，保留直译）
I needed a way to build credit in a country that I had just arrived in less
哇哦。
Woah.
这可比我想象的浪漫差远了。
Than a That is not as romantic as I thought.
是啊。
Yeah.
我同意。
I agree.
但这件事确实...经过这么多年后我才惊讶发现，原以为是因为我当时对他说了那些打动人心的话，结果并不是。这个认知让我重新审视了一切，其实这样挺好，因为这让我明白我们各自都有特定需求。
But what it did but so it was it surprised after all these years, when I thought it was because of this compelling thing I said to him, and it wasn't and learning that it wasn't that, it kind of reframed everything for me because in a good way, because what it made me realize was I had specific needs, he had specific needs.
在我们各自未被满足的不同需求中，试图填补这些空缺时，我们意外找到了对双方都有效的解决方案。
And in our in our different unmet needs, trying to fulfill our different unmet needs, we had stumbled upon a solution that worked for both of us.
比如，我需要通过亲密关系来实践我家人那种关爱方式。
Like, I needed a way to practice care in a relationship the way that my family did.
而他需要在新国家建立新生活的基础。
And he needed a way to build a foundation for a new life in a new country.
这件事教会我的是，他未必能理解我的传统。
And so what it taught me was, you know, yeah, he he wouldn't necessarily understand my traditions.
但在那一刻，他接受了这个提议，表明他理解这对我的重要性，并予以尊重。
But what he did in that moment in accepting this proposal for me was that he understood that something was important to me, and he honored that.
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